1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,720 - Hi everybody, my name is Erin and I am an alcoholic. 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:05,780 - Hi Erin. 3 00:00:05,780 --> 00:00:08,840 - And thank you Ben for inviting me to come out 4 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:11,040 to this very friendly group. 5 00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:12,460 Yeah, you guys are great. 6 00:00:12,460 --> 00:00:17,000 Thank you to John for his share, that was great. 7 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,720 A lot of similarities there, John. 8 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:21,340 And congratulations on the new baby. 9 00:00:21,340 --> 00:00:23,960 And welcome to our new folks, those of you here. 10 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,440 I hope you find what I found here. 11 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:29,260 And that was hope, that's what I found when I got here 12 00:00:29,260 --> 00:00:30,660 to the rooms of AA. 13 00:00:30,660 --> 00:00:35,660 My sobriety date is August 28th, 2007, 2007. 14 00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:39,800 I don't say it that often, but I'm grateful 15 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:42,920 that I just celebrated 16 years a couple months ago. 16 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:47,400 So, that's amazing to me 'cause by the end, 17 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,500 before I got here, I had about a three hour window 18 00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:53,400 that I could go before I had to have alcohol in my system. 19 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:56,720 And that's with the alcohol that I already had in my system 20 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,020 because I was basically saturated. 21 00:00:59,020 --> 00:01:02,000 But that window would start to close 22 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,360 and those shakes would start and that nausea would start 23 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:08,200 and that would be the, that was where my drinking took me. 24 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:10,480 But that was a long time coming. 25 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:15,160 I am an alcoholic that has had a very slow progression 26 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,880 of my disease, very, very slow. 27 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,640 I was born and raised here in the valley. 28 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,000 I'm a valley girl, yes I am. 29 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,100 Born in Burbank, grew up in Woodland Hills. 30 00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:26,740 And I actually, the first place my parents lived 31 00:01:26,740 --> 00:01:30,320 when I was born was down Yarmouth, like somewhere down there. 32 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,760 I was very young, I don't remember. 33 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:36,120 We moved to Woodland Hills when I was about six years old. 34 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:39,400 But yeah, so this has been my home. 35 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,160 And you know, unlike our 10 minute speaker, 36 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,640 I came from a family that there is no history of alcoholism 37 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,160 in my immediate family. 38 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:51,640 Now, way back when, who knows? 39 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:54,500 But my immediate family, no. 40 00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:58,520 They were just loving, wonderful, supportive, 41 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:01,120 great parents, me and my sister. 42 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,800 My sister was mentally challenged, 43 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,800 but growing up with that, I, you know, 44 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,280 we didn't know until we got to a certain age. 45 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:10,600 She was one of these kids. 46 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,040 I guess nowadays she'd be called on the spectrum. 47 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,760 But when we were growing up, there was no difference. 48 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:20,180 But when we hit like adolescence and into puberty, 49 00:02:20,180 --> 00:02:23,320 and it was almost like she just mentally stopped growing. 50 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:26,120 She was about a 10 year old mentally, 51 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:27,440 and that's where she stopped. 52 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:31,040 And you know, she was a loving, wonderful human being. 53 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:34,160 She really was, she was a special spirit. 54 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:37,080 And I do believe in those energies, 55 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:38,520 and I do believe in that. 56 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,960 That is the higher power I look to. 57 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,280 My higher power has many different names, 58 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:45,960 depending on the day and how I feel, 59 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,440 but that's usually how it works for me. 60 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,620 Anyway, you know, I grew up with this great family. 61 00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:52,000 My father was an actor. 62 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,880 So I was raised around a lot of creative people, 63 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:59,640 a lot of that energy when my parents would have parties 64 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,080 or what they, we would go to our friends 65 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,920 that would have these cocktail parties and whatnot. 66 00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,480 And what I saw were adults having a grand time, 67 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:10,120 having fun, laughing, you know, funny. 68 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,480 They were funny people because they were all, 69 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:13,640 a lot of them were, you know, 70 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:16,460 in the entertainment business, they were very creative. 71 00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:19,920 So I was always just joyous. 72 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:21,140 And that's what I remember. 73 00:03:21,140 --> 00:03:23,120 That's what I saw as a kid. 74 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,840 Like, this is what adults do. 75 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,200 How fun is this? 76 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,240 It's fantastic. 77 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,240 And so that was my image. 78 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:32,460 And when time came for me in high school 79 00:03:32,460 --> 00:03:34,800 is when I started experimenting with, you know, 80 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,560 all right, let's see what this does. 81 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,400 And well, you know, 82 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:43,460 immediately I enjoyed the effect produced by alcohol. 83 00:03:43,460 --> 00:03:46,380 It did, you know, give me that silliness, 84 00:03:46,380 --> 00:03:47,620 that giddiness, that, 85 00:03:47,620 --> 00:03:50,240 and I could see why they enjoyed having so much fun. 86 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:53,280 And like I said, I'm a slow progressing alcoholic. 87 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,640 So even though I enjoyed it and, you know, 88 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:58,680 in the very beginning there were, you know, 89 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,520 a couple of times of overdoing it and getting sick. 90 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:04,800 And one time to my mother's dismay, 91 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:05,720 I was with my friends. 92 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,880 We decided to try Slow Gin. 93 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:10,520 And first of all, it's a lovely color. 94 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:14,480 And when you mix it with what we were mixing it with, 95 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,560 and I got so sick. 96 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,960 Slow Gin Fizz is what we were partying with that night. 97 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,520 And oh baby, never had it again. 98 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,440 But yeah, my mom wasn't real happy 99 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:27,240 when it ended up on the white rug in my bedroom. 100 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,260 So anyway, there was that. 101 00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:33,260 But again, to see that for me at that point, 102 00:04:33,260 --> 00:04:34,560 it was the fun part of it. 103 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,320 I was still having fun with it. 104 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,080 It wasn't something that all of a sudden 105 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,960 I was just craving it and I had to do it again. 106 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,180 And I had to have it. 107 00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:44,560 And I was an active kid and I was busy. 108 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,880 You know, I was, I started taking dancing very young, 109 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,600 started ballet lessons when I was a very young kid. 110 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,640 And I just loved doing that kind of thing. 111 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:54,720 I loved performing. 112 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:55,960 I was raised around it. 113 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,840 So that was naturally what I enjoyed doing. 114 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,120 And so through school, that's when I was busy. 115 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,680 I was doing that kind of stuff. 116 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:06,080 And so I liked to party with my friends. 117 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:07,180 Like I say, in high school, 118 00:05:07,180 --> 00:05:08,740 started smoking pot a little bit. 119 00:05:08,740 --> 00:05:09,580 That was fun. 120 00:05:09,580 --> 00:05:10,580 I was enjoying it. 121 00:05:10,580 --> 00:05:13,400 But again, it wasn't really a problem at that point. 122 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:17,220 It wasn't so much that I was out of control right away. 123 00:05:17,220 --> 00:05:20,160 So I get out of high school and I decide, you know what? 124 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,940 I want to get right into this whole deal 125 00:05:21,940 --> 00:05:23,760 and I'm going to start auditioning for shows 126 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,440 and I'm going to start doing my thing. 127 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,540 And you know, I don't really need to go to college. 128 00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:29,120 So it kind of brushed that off. 129 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,960 And I wasn't getting a lot of work 130 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:35,320 auditioning for shows in LA because I'm six feet tall. 131 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,500 And at that time, 132 00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:39,480 when you are auditioning for the chorus or something, 133 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,200 they didn't want you taller than the lead. 134 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,800 So most cases I was always taller than the lead. 135 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,760 And one day some guy, I was working as a waitress 136 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:48,600 and a guy said to me, 137 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:50,200 "Have you ever thought about going to Vegas?" 138 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,120 And I said, "No, I really hadn't thought of that." 139 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,400 And he said, "Well, you know, 140 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,760 they like tall women there, you know, to be in the shows." 141 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,960 At that time, there was still the big extravaganza. 142 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:00,900 So I said, "All right." 143 00:06:00,900 --> 00:06:03,280 So girlfriend and I decided that was it. 144 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:06,200 20 years old, packed up the car, let's go to Vegas. 145 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,120 What do I know? 146 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,680 You know, I miss those days of just complete, 147 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,680 who cares, whatever. 148 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:14,080 And you know, the world's my oyster. 149 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:14,920 And off we went. 150 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:19,720 And you know, and again, yes, I was doing, I was drinking. 151 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,560 I was smoking pot, doing a little speed here and there. 152 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:23,960 How can that hurt? 153 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:27,020 And you know, it was still, it wasn't a problem. 154 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:29,680 I was still able to separate what I needed to do, 155 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,400 what I needed to take care of, how I needed to function. 156 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,600 And so I went, I auditioned, I got a job. 157 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:36,760 Didn't take very long. 158 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,260 And I started working at the Dunes Hotel 159 00:06:39,260 --> 00:06:40,480 in Casino de Paris. 160 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:41,840 That was my first job. 161 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:45,960 And this was back when the Dunes Hotel still existed. 162 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,240 It's kind of sad nowadays. 163 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,120 I look better. 164 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,200 And I know Adam's from Vegas. 165 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,080 And I know there's some other people from Vegas 166 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,080 I heard from Adam. 167 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,960 Vegas, I had a really good time. 168 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:01,520 I spent, you know, basically my 20s there. 169 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,560 I turned 21 in Vegas. 170 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:06,840 And I was working in a show on the strip. 171 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:10,080 And I was living a dream that I didn't even know I had. 172 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:11,840 But I was doing what I loved doing. 173 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,080 I was performing and it was fantastic. 174 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:17,040 And I think I actually, I think it was John mentioned it, 175 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,000 but I was surrounded by people 176 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,600 that we all did the same thing. 177 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,640 We all basically partied the same. 178 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,080 So it wasn't like anything was going to stand out. 179 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:28,140 Anything was unusual. 180 00:07:28,140 --> 00:07:30,040 We worked hard, we played hard. 181 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,100 You know, we got off work at two o'clock in the morning. 182 00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:32,940 What are you gonna do? 183 00:07:32,940 --> 00:07:34,560 You're all, you know, hopped up. 184 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:35,400 What are we gonna do? 185 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,600 We go out, we go dancing. 186 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:37,960 That's what we did. 187 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,920 That was work dancing that we just did. 188 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,560 So now we're gonna go play and that's what we did. 189 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,280 And for a lot of years, 190 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:49,220 I was still able to keep things on track for the most part. 191 00:07:49,220 --> 00:07:51,400 And when I was new to the program, when I came in, 192 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,280 I heard a speaker say that all the stop signs were there 193 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:55,920 and I blew through every one of them. 194 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,600 And when I heard him say that something clicked 195 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,640 and I went, oh my gosh, that's exactly what it was. 196 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,400 I just didn't know it at the time 197 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,800 'cause I didn't know what alcoholism was. 198 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,080 I didn't know what being an alcoholic was. 199 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:11,200 I, you know, my vision of alcoholics were people 200 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,020 that drank out of brown paper bags 201 00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:15,720 and lived in the power hole under a bridge 202 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:17,480 or something like that was an alcoholic. 203 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,240 I certainly couldn't be that. 204 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:23,240 And so I had no concept of what the disease was 205 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:27,160 and the different ways that it can sneak in and take over. 206 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:30,160 And so kept doing my thing, kept doing my thing 207 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,720 and then finally decided it was time, you know, 208 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,160 'cause it can't dance forever. 209 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,760 And my friends were starting to go to school 210 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,280 and look at other careers or they were getting married 211 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:40,640 and they were starting to have kids. 212 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,960 And I still wasn't ready for that 213 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,520 and I wanted the party to go on, 214 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:45,760 but I needed a change 215 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,200 'cause it was getting kind of dull there. 216 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:50,440 So I came back here and started a whole nother career 217 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:55,000 and a career that I stayed in for, you know, like 10 years. 218 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,040 I was at that career. 219 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,160 And again, but at all this time, 220 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:02,440 my alcoholism is slowly, slowly progressing and progressing. 221 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,520 And as the promotions would come 222 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,360 and I would get into certain areas of work 223 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,520 where things were a little looser, 224 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:13,080 it was not as much pressure on me to do certain things. 225 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,600 How much can it hurt to have a drink in the morning? 226 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:16,440 What the heck? 227 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,400 And slowly that started and I had no idea. 228 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:23,200 I had no idea what was actually happening to me. 229 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,960 And what was happening is that progression. 230 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,760 That ism was catching up to me 231 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:30,280 and it was becoming to where that was it. 232 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,400 And before I knew it, every morning I was getting up 233 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,920 and I was going into the bathroom and I was throwing up 234 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,560 and I was getting sick because the shakes were on. 235 00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:41,120 And the only way to stop was to eliminate 236 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,800 what needed to be eliminated and get into the kitchen 237 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,640 and get another drink so I could get through the day, 238 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:47,880 do what I needed to do. 239 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,200 And that started, that was that progression. 240 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,280 But again, I was very much a person 241 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:56,400 that would not let people see what was going on. 242 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,120 I'd gotten very good at that facade, 243 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,160 putting that face forward. 244 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:04,520 So my parents, obviously they knew me better 245 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,560 than anybody in the world. 246 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,960 They knew something was up, especially when holidays 247 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,680 and okay, maybe I can't make it. 248 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:12,320 Well, no, I'm not feeling well. 249 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:13,400 I'm not feeling well. 250 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:17,680 And eventually it got to a point where 251 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:18,880 I knew I had a problem. 252 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,480 I just didn't know what to do about it. 253 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:23,360 And my mother got very sick at one point. 254 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:27,720 She was diagnosed with colon cancer and she got very ill. 255 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,880 And it was me and my dad at that point. 256 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,840 My sister had passed away when she was 30, 257 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:37,040 not because she obviously was not an alcoholic 258 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:37,920 or anything like that. 259 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,560 It was just because of her issues 260 00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:43,520 and what she had been born with. 261 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,120 She just shortened her life. 262 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,280 That's all basically. 263 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:47,880 And it was very hard losing her, 264 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:51,040 but when my mom got sick and I thought, okay, 265 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,680 I'm gonna have to really, really try. 266 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,640 'Cause I'd been trying off and on for years, 267 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,040 drying out fine. 268 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,680 Okay, it'd be a little hard at first, 269 00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:02,080 but then I'd be okay, I'd last for maybe a month or so, 270 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:02,920 whatever. 271 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:06,480 But I never thought that I would need any help. 272 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,520 I know what I'm doing, I can handle this. 273 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:11,160 I take care of business and she got sick. 274 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:13,720 So I decided that it was a good time to dry out 275 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,640 so I could really be there to help with her 276 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:16,560 and help my dad. 277 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:20,320 And so I managed to stay dry for about three months 278 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,360 and she passed away. 279 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,400 And when she passed away, that was it. 280 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,760 Because now I had the best excuse in the world 281 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,520 and nobody could tell me, nobody could bitch at me, 282 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,920 nobody could complain about the way I was drinking 283 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:33,320 because don't you know, my best friend just died. 284 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:36,320 And I was gonna just milk that excuse 285 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:37,720 for as long as I possibly could. 286 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:38,920 And I did, I did. 287 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:42,360 And when my dad got sick about nine years later, 288 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,920 I couldn't dry out for him, but I was there. 289 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,640 I did what I could with the help of the friends 290 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,320 that were still around, thank God. 291 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,160 I struggled through and it wasn't pretty. 292 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:54,840 But my first surrender came when my dad was, 293 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:57,400 I believe it was the day before he actually passed. 294 00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:00,600 He was in hospice at home, we had him at his house. 295 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:05,000 And the hospice nurse and those people, God bless them. 296 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,600 They are angels on earth, people that work in hospice. 297 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,440 I don't know how they do it, but they are tremendous people. 298 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,000 She said to me, you know, we believe 299 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,880 that the hearing is the last thing to go. 300 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,480 So if there's anything you need to say to your father, 301 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,360 now is the time to say it to him. 302 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:19,840 And we believe that he will hear you 303 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,200 'cause he at this point was non-responsive, 304 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,520 basically comatose. 305 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:26,560 I made a promise to my dad that I would get well. 306 00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:28,200 And I didn't know what that looked like. 307 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,560 And I didn't know how I was gonna do it. 308 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:35,200 But in my gut, deep inside, I meant it because I was done. 309 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,440 I wanted to stop drinking 310 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,640 and I just didn't know how I was gonna do it. 311 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:40,800 I was scared to death. 312 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:44,600 I was afraid at that point that, you know, 313 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:48,240 physically my body was starting to break down. 314 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,360 So I didn't know if I would be able to do it 315 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:55,920 without something seriously bad happening. 316 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,080 Anyway, that was my first surrender. 317 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,640 Again, I didn't realize that until I came to you 318 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:04,000 and I started learning about the disease of alcoholism. 319 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,960 And I started getting into the book 320 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:09,760 of Alcoholics Anonymous and hearing, you know, 321 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:12,400 these stories that we hear, you know, 322 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,920 and I realized that that was a surrender that I made. 323 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,560 And from that point, it was another six months 324 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,520 until I was able to get sober. 325 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,800 And that wasn't a pretty six months, but you know, 326 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,240 it happened and it was now, as I look back on that time, 327 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,720 that was where I call it the pieces of the puzzle 328 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,480 started falling into place. 329 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:35,160 And a friend got in my face, you know, at the bitter end 330 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,840 and basically said to me, you're killing yourself 331 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:39,080 and I'm tired of watching it. 332 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,920 And at that point, he said the most important thing 333 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:45,320 anybody had said to me, at least anybody had said 334 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:46,640 that it actually sunk in. 335 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:50,200 He said, if I have to hold your hand to get you help, 336 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,240 I will do that. 337 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,480 And that was the moment of clarity. 338 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:54,320 I said, okay. 339 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:56,440 And I had a phone number for an outpatient program 340 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:58,080 that I'd had for like a year 341 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,360 because I did want to find the help. 342 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,760 And I called them and they said, okay, great, 343 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:04,680 come in and see us. 344 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,560 Like it was like two days later. 345 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,640 And then of course, you know how we are, wait breaks. 346 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,840 Well, wait a minute, not, I can't yet. 347 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,440 And she was like, well, what's the problem? 348 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,720 What do you mean you can't? 349 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,240 And I thought, okay, here we go. 350 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:19,360 You know, and that was it. 351 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:20,720 I was just, it was fear. 352 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,440 It was just the fear kicking in. 353 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,240 And I went in and met with them. 354 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:25,880 They immediately assessed me and said, 355 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,880 we're going to get you into a medical detox. 356 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:30,360 Thank you God. 357 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,000 'Cause I definitely had to be medically detoxed. 358 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:37,280 And so very grateful that I was able to get into a detox. 359 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:40,520 And that was where I heard the first message of hope 360 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:44,400 was a lovely man, panel of one, H and I, 361 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,520 came in to that detox and shared his story. 362 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,840 I don't remember a lot of what he said, 363 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:52,760 but I heard that there was hope 364 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,720 and that it wasn't too late for me. 365 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:56,240 'Cause I really had reached that point 366 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,600 where I thought it was too late. 367 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:00,560 I had reached the point of thinking, you know what? 368 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,880 I had the efforts and I thought, 369 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,280 this is just the way it's going to be. 370 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,560 I'm just going to be getting up sick every morning, 371 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:07,520 doing my thing. 372 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:08,880 That's just the way it's going to be. 373 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,240 And I still had stuff. 374 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:11,840 I hadn't lost everything yet. 375 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,800 I still had a kitchen where I could keep my vodka 376 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,080 in the refrigerator, in the freezer. 377 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,760 You know, I still had that. 378 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,400 And you know, I was very fortunate 379 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,280 and I'm very grateful for the way 380 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:27,080 that my parents had taken care of things for me. 381 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,400 And I'm more than grateful to AA 382 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,320 because I didn't lose all of that 383 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,880 because I came to see all of you. 384 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:35,520 And I came to be in AA 385 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:39,200 and be part of this tremendous program that saved my life. 386 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,480 And so I started that outpatient program. 387 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:42,920 They suggested go to meetings. 388 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:44,840 I thought, oh boy, here we go. 389 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,320 And, but I was willing, 390 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:49,000 I was so willing to do whatever it took. 391 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,400 At that point, I was so done that whatever it was, 392 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:55,800 whatever they suggested I do, I would do it. 393 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,280 And I came to the meetings 394 00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:00,000 and whatever you guys suggested, I did it. 395 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,720 And the one thing that I could hear, 396 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:05,240 'cause my brain was pretty much mush for a good six months, 397 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:06,200 the first six months, 398 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,840 but there were certain things that I could hear that stuck. 399 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:10,280 And one of them was get in the middle. 400 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:11,560 It kept saying, get in the middle, 401 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:12,720 get in the middle, get in the middle. 402 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:14,920 I thought, okay, well, I think I can get the middle. 403 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,440 Don't have a whole lot else going on. 404 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,960 So I guess I could try that. 405 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,120 Let's try it. 406 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:22,480 So, and fortunately I also got hooked up 407 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:25,920 with my first sponsor who was about six years sober 408 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,400 at the time and she was on fire for AA. 409 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:30,800 So we didn't mess around. 410 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:34,400 I mean, she had me into those steps and into the book 411 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,880 and we were working on that like right away. 412 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:38,720 As soon as I started working with her, 413 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,200 which was fine with me again, 414 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,040 I didn't have a whole lot going on 415 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,160 and I certainly did not want to drink again. 416 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,160 And so I got involved. 417 00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:49,200 I got into H&I, that was one of the first things, 418 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:50,560 went to the H&I meeting. 419 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,680 And if you've never done H&I, do it, it's fantastic. 420 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,120 And going on panels and then taking panels 421 00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:00,800 and being able to share with the people. 422 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:05,000 And the one thing that affected me in those early days, 423 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,600 especially with H&I was one of my panels 424 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:11,280 was at Sylmar Rehab and that's a lockdown facility 425 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,400 and there's different departments in there. 426 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:17,800 But some of the areas that we would take the panels into 427 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,280 were people that were severely messed up 428 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,720 and it was maybe drugs, maybe alcohol, 429 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:26,240 maybe it was just something that they had beforehand. 430 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,240 But there were people with wet brain in there 431 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:31,520 and I had never seen that at that point before 432 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:33,360 and that scared the life out of me. 433 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,800 Scared me to death because I knew 434 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,560 as soon as I started seeing those people, 435 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,440 I thought that's where I'm going to be 436 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,600 if I don't stick to this thing. 437 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:43,160 That's what's gonna happen to me. 438 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:44,000 I just know it. 439 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,080 And so when I would walk out of those panels 440 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,160 and that door would close behind, 441 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,400 I always called it the walk of gratitude. 442 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,120 I thought, thank you God, 443 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:55,040 that I get to walk out of this place 444 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,720 and I have another day that I have a chance 445 00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,880 to improve my life, to do better. 446 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:03,920 And that's AA, that's what this program is. 447 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,360 You know, it's getting into those steps 448 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:11,120 and doing the steps and getting into the areas of service. 449 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,200 And through these years, 450 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:16,680 one of the most important things too that I have found is, 451 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,320 you know, in the beginning, yes, 452 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:19,920 I mean, I jumped into everything 453 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,560 and tried whatever here and there 454 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,200 and because I needed to be busy, 455 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,640 I needed to know and I needed to learn about this program 456 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:30,080 and I needed to know the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. 457 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,120 That's just the way my head works. 458 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:36,680 And it was so helpful to me to know where we came from 459 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,040 and how this developed. 460 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:42,600 And it just was so important, but as time went on, 461 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:46,360 I found that because I had tried a little bit of this 462 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:48,960 and a little bit of that as I went, 463 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,720 I started to find where my strengths were, 464 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:56,320 what commitments that I particularly liked and was good at. 465 00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:00,360 And, you know, and sponsoring, I do sponsor, 466 00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:02,840 I have sponsored. 467 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:06,720 Sponsoring is not one of my strongest suits. 468 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,040 I know how to sponsor, 469 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:09,840 I know how to take somebody through the book. 470 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,080 I haven't had a lot of success with my sponsors, 471 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:13,960 but that's not on me, that's on them. 472 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,400 You know, God love them. 473 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:16,600 And I hope that, you know, 474 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,600 each one that I have had contact with 475 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,680 and hope maybe something stuck 476 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,520 and maybe that somewhere down wherever they may be, 477 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,520 that they're doing okay. 478 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,680 But, you know, I'm sure you've all seen it too. 479 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,600 Some people are great sponsors. 480 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,520 That's just a natural, they're just natural sponsors. 481 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:33,720 And that's fantastic. 482 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,840 Some people are great speakers and that's fantastic. 483 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,920 Some people make really good coffee. 484 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,520 I mean, really, you can tell the difference 485 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:45,000 when you switch over that commitment, right? 486 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,800 I mean, you know, the coffee was pretty darn good 487 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,040 and then they switched that commitment. 488 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:52,120 It's like, whoa, we're gonna have to talk to this one, okay. 489 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:54,920 But you know what, the point I'm making is, 490 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:57,520 you know, I've just found that it's important 491 00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:00,320 to find your niche because that's what, 492 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:03,360 at least for me, for my personal experience, 493 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,120 that's what keeps me coming back 494 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:08,360 because then it's because I enjoy it. 495 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:11,680 And I, you know, I was fortunate enough 496 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,480 to get involved with the convention as well, 497 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,600 San Fernando Valley Convention. 498 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,960 And again, that was when I was five months sober. 499 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:21,440 I went to my first convention as a volunteer 500 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:24,720 and in 2017, I was the chairperson. 501 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:28,680 So, you know, you just jump in there and get to it 502 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,480 and, you know, these things happen 503 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,640 and it's been just a blessing to me. 504 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,440 And, you know, I'm retired now. 505 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:37,080 I've been retired for a while actually 506 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:38,920 because I took care of my dad in the end. 507 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,040 And like I said, that time that wasn't too lovely, 508 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,800 but, you know, fortunately, 509 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,600 I'm blessed that I was able to retire 510 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:50,320 and, you know, I have a very simple life now. 511 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,960 It's simple, but it's wonderful, it's lovely. 512 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,680 You know, I basically get to do it. 513 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,400 I'm not married, I never married, 514 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,680 I never had kids by choice. 515 00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,920 Nothing against people that do, but wasn't my thing, 516 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:02,920 wasn't in the cards. 517 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,920 But, you know, the thing is it just, 518 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,040 it gives me, I have a freedom now. 519 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:10,200 And the freedom is not just because of what's on the outside 520 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:12,920 and what I have on the outside, the freedom is now inside. 521 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,920 And that's because of Alcoholics Anonymous, 522 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:18,480 because now instead of that dread and darkness 523 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:21,280 and that black hole, 'cause like I said earlier, 524 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,640 facade, all the facade always, oh, everything's great. 525 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,520 I could put that up really good, but nobody knew, 526 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,600 nobody saw the darkness and how bad it was. 527 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,080 And I certainly was not a person who was gonna kill myself 528 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,040 because that's not the person that my parents raised. 529 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:37,440 And out of respect for them, 530 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,600 I would never have done anything like that. 531 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:42,480 You know, their love and support is basically, 532 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,240 I think, for many years what saved my life 533 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,880 in the sense that there was just so much respect for them 534 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:50,320 that I wouldn't do anything. 535 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,920 I mean, it was bad enough I was killing myself slowly. 536 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,800 You know, the good news is I found the answer 537 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,960 and I found the solution, and that's here. 538 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,280 That was here in Alcoholics Anonymous. 539 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:04,680 And, you know, as it says in "A Vision for You," 540 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:06,880 it talks about, you know, how, 541 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:10,080 that I'm trying to think where it is that, 542 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,120 but, you know, the hideous four horsemen, 543 00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:16,120 the jumping off place, the beginning of that chapter 544 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:19,920 is just so exactly, when I heard it read for the first time, 545 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:21,440 it was another one of those things 546 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,360 that just completely clicked in my head 547 00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:26,560 of that place of can't live with it 548 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:27,920 and I can't live without it. 549 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,600 But the reality is I can live without it. 550 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,600 And, you know, that it's truly a blessing 551 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:34,760 to be able to do that. 552 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:37,600 Now, I had mentioned earlier that, you know, 553 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,560 the energies and the spirits that I believe in, 554 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,840 and so my higher power, I do have different names. 555 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:48,800 I call God sometimes, I call Spirit of the Universe. 556 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,960 It's one of the things I love about it in the big book, 557 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:54,160 the way Bill writes about spirits, you know? 558 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:56,720 And he has many different names that he uses. 559 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,280 He doesn't use God all the time. 560 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:00,480 And he was another one, again, 561 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,680 talking about the history and learning the history. 562 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,120 He also felt that way. 563 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,600 He had an aversion to organized religion. 564 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:07,440 I did too. 565 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:10,800 I mean, I was not raised in a strict religion. 566 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,320 My parents were very kind of, 567 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:14,560 well, my dad never really even said the word God, 568 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:15,400 I don't think. 569 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,440 It wasn't that he was, you know, 570 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,560 against or had a problem with it. 571 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:21,120 He just wasn't his thing 572 00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:22,880 and he never really talked much about it. 573 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,600 But my mom was a seeker 574 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,720 and she would try many different things. 575 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,960 And so I think from her is where I got that sense of, 576 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,760 you know, there's many different versions 577 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,640 and there's, as one of the sayings goes, 578 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:37,160 there's many paths to God. 579 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:42,160 And so, yeah, that wasn't hard for me to grasp that. 580 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:45,080 And especially, again, reading Bill's story 581 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:47,040 and learning about how he felt about it. 582 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,480 And so being able to call whatever it is 583 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:52,120 that works for you is the beauty of it. 584 00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:53,680 And that was one of the things, again, 585 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:56,440 that pulled me into AA 586 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:58,720 because when I got here, you said, you know, 587 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,320 we don't care what you believe. 588 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:01,680 'Cause that was one of my things. 589 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,360 It's like, oh, they're gonna start talking about God 590 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:05,480 and you gotta believe in God 591 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:06,960 and you gotta believe this way. 592 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,320 The way I envisioned organized religion had done 593 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:11,440 when I was younger. 594 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,200 And no, you guys were like, nope, we don't care. 595 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:15,040 Doesn't matter. 596 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:16,400 You can call it what you want. 597 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,000 You can believe in what you want. 598 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,920 You just gotta know that there's something bigger than you. 599 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:22,400 I was like, all right, that's good. 600 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:23,240 I can do that. 601 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:24,080 I can do that. 602 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:26,880 And so that, you know, that was where it started. 603 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,240 And as the years have gone on, like I say, 604 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,440 I believe in angels and I believe in energy 605 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,360 and I believe in the spirit of the universe. 606 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:37,200 And I trust that it will get me through. 607 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,520 And so far it has, you know, it gets me through. 608 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:44,360 It gets me through when things get difficult. 609 00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:46,560 The beginning of this year was a beast 610 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:51,560 as far as losing people and just wonderful AA people. 611 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:53,240 And the beginning of the year, 612 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:54,840 within a matter of a few weeks, 613 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,960 two of the women, one was my grand sponsor 614 00:24:57,960 --> 00:24:59,520 and one was my great-grand sponsor 615 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,440 when I was brand new, when I first started. 616 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:05,120 And then they became just really dear friends of mine 617 00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:06,360 as time went on. 618 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:09,200 And within a few weeks, they both passed away. 619 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,160 I don't know, those of you that knew Bob Fisher 620 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:14,840 from central office, fantastic, wonderful Bob Fisher. 621 00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:16,200 That just the man that, you know, 622 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,280 every time I saw that man, just was like, 623 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:19,800 "Give me a hug, Bob Fisher, 624 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:21,680 "and I'll know all is right with the world." 625 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:23,560 And it was, and we lost him. 626 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:26,920 And that was a huge blow just to everybody, 627 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:28,880 to all who knew him and came in touch. 628 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,680 But thank God we had those people. 629 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,080 You know, I'm so grateful for the people 630 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,040 that have come before and the people 631 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:36,800 that have kept the doors open 632 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:41,800 and, you know, have continued to carry the message. 633 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:46,480 And then I look at that and every time 634 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:49,240 we do lose our wonderful old timers 635 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:52,640 and those that have helped us through, you know, 636 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:56,320 it's like, well, then that's them passing the torch to us. 637 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:59,840 'Cause if AA is to survive, we all have to continue. 638 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,080 We have to continue to do what we do 639 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:05,880 and carry the message and be the examples. 640 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:07,880 And again, going back to what I was saying 641 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:11,040 about finding your niche, like when I walked in tonight, 642 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,680 so many of you there that were so friendly 643 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,520 and greeted and said, "Hi." 644 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:17,920 And that's just a wonderful thing, you know, 645 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:19,760 and that's important. 646 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:21,480 And not all meetings do that. 647 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:23,320 I'm sure you all know that. 648 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,200 You've been to meetings where not everybody, 649 00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:28,560 you know, is that, I mean, hopefully most of them are, 650 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,360 but, you know, and that's just great 651 00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:31,960 because that pulls you in. 652 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,000 That's, you know, the example. 653 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,480 We show the example, this is what we have, 654 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:37,760 not promotion, what is it? 655 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:38,800 Thank you. 656 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,640 You know, the old brain cells came back, 657 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,680 like, you know, in the first five to 10 years. 658 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:48,720 And now I've reached that age 659 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,200 where now they're starting to, you know, that's all right. 660 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,440 At least I got some of them back. 661 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,240 That's the good news. 662 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,120 Anybody that's new, they may think like, 663 00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:59,840 I was somewhere not too long ago 664 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:02,480 and I said that and there was a young lady 665 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:04,600 and she was like, "Really?" 666 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:07,560 I said, "Yeah, hang in there, they'll come back." 667 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:11,520 You know, they will, but you just gotta have faith. 668 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:15,880 But yeah, so, you know, I'm so grateful for this program 669 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,760 and I like to have fun in this program 670 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:23,680 and I really do my best to enjoy, you know, 671 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:25,880 and have the fun and be silly, 672 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:28,760 but I take my sobriety very seriously. 673 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:32,480 I mean, there's no joke about being an alcoholic 674 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,520 and I know that it wouldn't take much. 675 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:36,520 It wouldn't take much. 676 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:40,400 And the thing that I always, you know, it's that fear, 677 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:41,920 but it's a good fear. 678 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:46,720 My sponsor now says that's a good, healthy fear. 679 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:49,280 You know, that I always say that I don't know 680 00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,880 if I was to all of a sudden decide, 681 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,280 you know what, I got this thing, 682 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:54,880 I think I'll go ahead and take a drink. 683 00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:55,960 How bad could it be? 684 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:57,320 First of all, if I'd be stupid enough 685 00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:59,680 to throw away everything I've worked so hard for, 686 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,400 but it could happen. 687 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:02,760 I don't know that I would come back. 688 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,680 I don't know that I would have that strength 689 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:07,840 or that energy to actually do that again. 690 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:08,880 So you know what? 691 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:10,480 I don't think I'm gonna play that game 692 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,160 'cause I have that healthy fear 693 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,200 and I will hold on to that healthy fear. 694 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,760 And I'm just so grateful that there is Alcoholics Anonymous, 695 00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:19,600 that there is a solution. 696 00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:22,720 And again, you know, just to put it out there though, 697 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:26,600 I also believe in acknowledging other ways 698 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:28,600 that people have found to stay sober 699 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:30,040 'cause there are other ways. 700 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,000 AA is, it says it in our literature, 701 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,400 we are not the only answer. 702 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:36,360 We're a pretty damn good answer, 703 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:39,000 but there are other ways that people can do it. 704 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:42,320 And again, it goes with what I said earlier 705 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:43,560 about finding your niche. 706 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:48,000 You know, if you're not finding where you fit in yet, 707 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,440 keep searching for it. 708 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:52,040 Keep searching for it because you will find it. 709 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:55,280 Just the important thing is, you know, hang on, 710 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:57,920 hold onto the hope that your life can be better. 711 00:28:57,920 --> 00:28:59,600 And that's what I do. 712 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:01,360 That's the best I can do. 713 00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:03,840 And I try to do that every day, each day, 714 00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:05,040 one day at a time. 715 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:07,840 I try to practice these principles in all my affairs. 716 00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:11,000 And I thank you all for inviting me, 717 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:13,280 for allowing me to come and share with you. 718 00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:14,120 Thank you.