- Hi everybody, my name is Erin and I am an alcoholic.
- Hi Erin.
- And thank you Ben for inviting me to come out
to this very friendly group.
Yeah, you guys are great.
Thank you to John for his share, that was great.
A lot of similarities there, John.
And congratulations on the new baby.
And welcome to our new folks, those of you here.
I hope you find what I found here.
And that was hope, that's what I found when I got here
to the rooms of AA.
My sobriety date is August 28th, 2007, 2007.
I don't say it that often, but I'm grateful
that I just celebrated 16 years a couple months ago.
So, that's amazing to me 'cause by the end,
before I got here, I had about a three hour window
that I could go before I had to have alcohol in my system.
And that's with the alcohol that I already had in my system
because I was basically saturated.
But that window would start to close
and those shakes would start and that nausea would start
and that would be the, that was where my drinking took me.
But that was a long time coming.
I am an alcoholic that has had a very slow progression
of my disease, very, very slow.
I was born and raised here in the valley.
I'm a valley girl, yes I am.
Born in Burbank, grew up in Woodland Hills.
And I actually, the first place my parents lived
when I was born was down Yarmouth, like somewhere down there.
I was very young, I don't remember.
We moved to Woodland Hills when I was about six years old.
But yeah, so this has been my home.
And you know, unlike our 10 minute speaker,
I came from a family that there is no history of alcoholism
in my immediate family.
Now, way back when, who knows?
But my immediate family, no.
They were just loving, wonderful, supportive,
great parents, me and my sister.
My sister was mentally challenged,
but growing up with that, I, you know,
we didn't know until we got to a certain age.
She was one of these kids.
I guess nowadays she'd be called on the spectrum.
But when we were growing up, there was no difference.
But when we hit like adolescence and into puberty,
and it was almost like she just mentally stopped growing.
She was about a 10 year old mentally,
and that's where she stopped.
And you know, she was a loving, wonderful human being.
She really was, she was a special spirit.
And I do believe in those energies,
and I do believe in that.
That is the higher power I look to.
My higher power has many different names,
depending on the day and how I feel,
but that's usually how it works for me.
Anyway, you know, I grew up with this great family.
My father was an actor.
So I was raised around a lot of creative people,
a lot of that energy when my parents would have parties
or what they, we would go to our friends
that would have these cocktail parties and whatnot.
And what I saw were adults having a grand time,
having fun, laughing, you know, funny.
They were funny people because they were all,
a lot of them were, you know,
in the entertainment business, they were very creative.
So I was always just joyous.
And that's what I remember.
That's what I saw as a kid.
Like, this is what adults do.
How fun is this?
It's fantastic.
And so that was my image.
And when time came for me in high school
is when I started experimenting with, you know,
all right, let's see what this does.
And well, you know,
immediately I enjoyed the effect produced by alcohol.
It did, you know, give me that silliness,
that giddiness, that,
and I could see why they enjoyed having so much fun.
And like I said, I'm a slow progressing alcoholic.
So even though I enjoyed it and, you know,
in the very beginning there were, you know,
a couple of times of overdoing it and getting sick.
And one time to my mother's dismay,
I was with my friends.
We decided to try Slow Gin.
And first of all, it's a lovely color.
And when you mix it with what we were mixing it with,
and I got so sick.
Slow Gin Fizz is what we were partying with that night.
And oh baby, never had it again.
But yeah, my mom wasn't real happy
when it ended up on the white rug in my bedroom.
So anyway, there was that.
But again, to see that for me at that point,
it was the fun part of it.
I was still having fun with it.
It wasn't something that all of a sudden
I was just craving it and I had to do it again.
And I had to have it.
And I was an active kid and I was busy.
You know, I was, I started taking dancing very young,
started ballet lessons when I was a very young kid.
And I just loved doing that kind of thing.
I loved performing.
I was raised around it.
So that was naturally what I enjoyed doing.
And so through school, that's when I was busy.
I was doing that kind of stuff.
And so I liked to party with my friends.
Like I say, in high school,
started smoking pot a little bit.
That was fun.
I was enjoying it.
But again, it wasn't really a problem at that point.
It wasn't so much that I was out of control right away.
So I get out of high school and I decide, you know what?
I want to get right into this whole deal
and I'm going to start auditioning for shows
and I'm going to start doing my thing.
And you know, I don't really need to go to college.
So it kind of brushed that off.
And I wasn't getting a lot of work
auditioning for shows in LA because I'm six feet tall.
And at that time,
when you are auditioning for the chorus or something,
they didn't want you taller than the lead.
So most cases I was always taller than the lead.
And one day some guy, I was working as a waitress
and a guy said to me,
"Have you ever thought about going to Vegas?"
And I said, "No, I really hadn't thought of that."
And he said, "Well, you know,
they like tall women there, you know, to be in the shows."
At that time, there was still the big extravaganza.
So I said, "All right."
So girlfriend and I decided that was it.
20 years old, packed up the car, let's go to Vegas.
What do I know?
You know, I miss those days of just complete,
who cares, whatever.
And you know, the world's my oyster.
And off we went.
And you know, and again, yes, I was doing, I was drinking.
I was smoking pot, doing a little speed here and there.
How can that hurt?
And you know, it was still, it wasn't a problem.
I was still able to separate what I needed to do,
what I needed to take care of, how I needed to function.
And so I went, I auditioned, I got a job.
Didn't take very long.
And I started working at the Dunes Hotel
in Casino de Paris.
That was my first job.
And this was back when the Dunes Hotel still existed.
It's kind of sad nowadays.
I look better.
And I know Adam's from Vegas.
And I know there's some other people from Vegas
I heard from Adam.
Vegas, I had a really good time.
I spent, you know, basically my 20s there.
I turned 21 in Vegas.
And I was working in a show on the strip.
And I was living a dream that I didn't even know I had.
But I was doing what I loved doing.
I was performing and it was fantastic.
And I think I actually, I think it was John mentioned it,
but I was surrounded by people
that we all did the same thing.
We all basically partied the same.
So it wasn't like anything was going to stand out.
Anything was unusual.
We worked hard, we played hard.
You know, we got off work at two o'clock in the morning.
What are you gonna do?
You're all, you know, hopped up.
What are we gonna do?
We go out, we go dancing.
That's what we did.
That was work dancing that we just did.
So now we're gonna go play and that's what we did.
And for a lot of years,
I was still able to keep things on track for the most part.
And when I was new to the program, when I came in,
I heard a speaker say that all the stop signs were there
and I blew through every one of them.
And when I heard him say that something clicked
and I went, oh my gosh, that's exactly what it was.
I just didn't know it at the time
'cause I didn't know what alcoholism was.
I didn't know what being an alcoholic was.
I, you know, my vision of alcoholics were people
that drank out of brown paper bags
and lived in the power hole under a bridge
or something like that was an alcoholic.
I certainly couldn't be that.
And so I had no concept of what the disease was
and the different ways that it can sneak in and take over.
And so kept doing my thing, kept doing my thing
and then finally decided it was time, you know,
'cause it can't dance forever.
And my friends were starting to go to school
and look at other careers or they were getting married
and they were starting to have kids.
And I still wasn't ready for that
and I wanted the party to go on,
but I needed a change
'cause it was getting kind of dull there.
So I came back here and started a whole nother career
and a career that I stayed in for, you know, like 10 years.
I was at that career.
And again, but at all this time,
my alcoholism is slowly, slowly progressing and progressing.
And as the promotions would come
and I would get into certain areas of work
where things were a little looser,
it was not as much pressure on me to do certain things.
How much can it hurt to have a drink in the morning?
What the heck?
And slowly that started and I had no idea.
I had no idea what was actually happening to me.
And what was happening is that progression.
That ism was catching up to me
and it was becoming to where that was it.
And before I knew it, every morning I was getting up
and I was going into the bathroom and I was throwing up
and I was getting sick because the shakes were on.
And the only way to stop was to eliminate
what needed to be eliminated and get into the kitchen
and get another drink so I could get through the day,
do what I needed to do.
And that started, that was that progression.
But again, I was very much a person
that would not let people see what was going on.
I'd gotten very good at that facade,
putting that face forward.
So my parents, obviously they knew me better
than anybody in the world.
They knew something was up, especially when holidays
and okay, maybe I can't make it.
Well, no, I'm not feeling well.
I'm not feeling well.
And eventually it got to a point where
I knew I had a problem.
I just didn't know what to do about it.
And my mother got very sick at one point.
She was diagnosed with colon cancer and she got very ill.
And it was me and my dad at that point.
My sister had passed away when she was 30,
not because she obviously was not an alcoholic
or anything like that.
It was just because of her issues
and what she had been born with.
She just shortened her life.
That's all basically.
And it was very hard losing her,
but when my mom got sick and I thought, okay,
I'm gonna have to really, really try.
'Cause I'd been trying off and on for years,
drying out fine.
Okay, it'd be a little hard at first,
but then I'd be okay, I'd last for maybe a month or so,
whatever.
But I never thought that I would need any help.
I know what I'm doing, I can handle this.
I take care of business and she got sick.
So I decided that it was a good time to dry out
so I could really be there to help with her
and help my dad.
And so I managed to stay dry for about three months
and she passed away.
And when she passed away, that was it.
Because now I had the best excuse in the world
and nobody could tell me, nobody could bitch at me,
nobody could complain about the way I was drinking
because don't you know, my best friend just died.
And I was gonna just milk that excuse
for as long as I possibly could.
And I did, I did.
And when my dad got sick about nine years later,
I couldn't dry out for him, but I was there.
I did what I could with the help of the friends
that were still around, thank God.
I struggled through and it wasn't pretty.
But my first surrender came when my dad was,
I believe it was the day before he actually passed.
He was in hospice at home, we had him at his house.
And the hospice nurse and those people, God bless them.
They are angels on earth, people that work in hospice.
I don't know how they do it, but they are tremendous people.
She said to me, you know, we believe
that the hearing is the last thing to go.
So if there's anything you need to say to your father,
now is the time to say it to him.
And we believe that he will hear you
'cause he at this point was non-responsive,
basically comatose.
I made a promise to my dad that I would get well.
And I didn't know what that looked like.
And I didn't know how I was gonna do it.
But in my gut, deep inside, I meant it because I was done.
I wanted to stop drinking
and I just didn't know how I was gonna do it.
I was scared to death.
I was afraid at that point that, you know,
physically my body was starting to break down.
So I didn't know if I would be able to do it
without something seriously bad happening.
Anyway, that was my first surrender.
Again, I didn't realize that until I came to you
and I started learning about the disease of alcoholism.
And I started getting into the book
of Alcoholics Anonymous and hearing, you know,
these stories that we hear, you know,
and I realized that that was a surrender that I made.
And from that point, it was another six months
until I was able to get sober.
And that wasn't a pretty six months, but you know,
it happened and it was now, as I look back on that time,
that was where I call it the pieces of the puzzle
started falling into place.
And a friend got in my face, you know, at the bitter end
and basically said to me, you're killing yourself
and I'm tired of watching it.
And at that point, he said the most important thing
anybody had said to me, at least anybody had said
that it actually sunk in.
He said, if I have to hold your hand to get you help,
I will do that.
And that was the moment of clarity.
I said, okay.
And I had a phone number for an outpatient program
that I'd had for like a year
because I did want to find the help.
And I called them and they said, okay, great,
come in and see us.
Like it was like two days later.
And then of course, you know how we are, wait breaks.
Well, wait a minute, not, I can't yet.
And she was like, well, what's the problem?
What do you mean you can't?
And I thought, okay, here we go.
You know, and that was it.
I was just, it was fear.
It was just the fear kicking in.
And I went in and met with them.
They immediately assessed me and said,
we're going to get you into a medical detox.
Thank you God.
'Cause I definitely had to be medically detoxed.
And so very grateful that I was able to get into a detox.
And that was where I heard the first message of hope
was a lovely man, panel of one, H and I,
came in to that detox and shared his story.
I don't remember a lot of what he said,
but I heard that there was hope
and that it wasn't too late for me.
'Cause I really had reached that point
where I thought it was too late.
I had reached the point of thinking, you know what?
I had the efforts and I thought,
this is just the way it's going to be.
I'm just going to be getting up sick every morning,
doing my thing.
That's just the way it's going to be.
And I still had stuff.
I hadn't lost everything yet.
I still had a kitchen where I could keep my vodka
in the refrigerator, in the freezer.
You know, I still had that.
And you know, I was very fortunate
and I'm very grateful for the way
that my parents had taken care of things for me.
And I'm more than grateful to AA
because I didn't lose all of that
because I came to see all of you.
And I came to be in AA
and be part of this tremendous program that saved my life.
And so I started that outpatient program.
They suggested go to meetings.
I thought, oh boy, here we go.
And, but I was willing,
I was so willing to do whatever it took.
At that point, I was so done that whatever it was,
whatever they suggested I do, I would do it.
And I came to the meetings
and whatever you guys suggested, I did it.
And the one thing that I could hear,
'cause my brain was pretty much mush for a good six months,
the first six months,
but there were certain things that I could hear that stuck.
And one of them was get in the middle.
It kept saying, get in the middle,
get in the middle, get in the middle.
I thought, okay, well, I think I can get the middle.
Don't have a whole lot else going on.
So I guess I could try that.
Let's try it.
So, and fortunately I also got hooked up
with my first sponsor who was about six years sober
at the time and she was on fire for AA.
So we didn't mess around.
I mean, she had me into those steps and into the book
and we were working on that like right away.
As soon as I started working with her,
which was fine with me again,
I didn't have a whole lot going on
and I certainly did not want to drink again.
And so I got involved.
I got into H&I, that was one of the first things,
went to the H&I meeting.
And if you've never done H&I, do it, it's fantastic.
And going on panels and then taking panels
and being able to share with the people.
And the one thing that affected me in those early days,
especially with H&I was one of my panels
was at Sylmar Rehab and that's a lockdown facility
and there's different departments in there.
But some of the areas that we would take the panels into
were people that were severely messed up
and it was maybe drugs, maybe alcohol,
maybe it was just something that they had beforehand.
But there were people with wet brain in there
and I had never seen that at that point before
and that scared the life out of me.
Scared me to death because I knew
as soon as I started seeing those people,
I thought that's where I'm going to be
if I don't stick to this thing.
That's what's gonna happen to me.
I just know it.
And so when I would walk out of those panels
and that door would close behind,
I always called it the walk of gratitude.
I thought, thank you God,
that I get to walk out of this place
and I have another day that I have a chance
to improve my life, to do better.
And that's AA, that's what this program is.
You know, it's getting into those steps
and doing the steps and getting into the areas of service.
And through these years,
one of the most important things too that I have found is,
you know, in the beginning, yes,
I mean, I jumped into everything
and tried whatever here and there
and because I needed to be busy,
I needed to know and I needed to learn about this program
and I needed to know the history of Alcoholics Anonymous.
That's just the way my head works.
And it was so helpful to me to know where we came from
and how this developed.
And it just was so important, but as time went on,
I found that because I had tried a little bit of this
and a little bit of that as I went,
I started to find where my strengths were,
what commitments that I particularly liked and was good at.
And, you know, and sponsoring, I do sponsor,
I have sponsored.
Sponsoring is not one of my strongest suits.
I know how to sponsor,
I know how to take somebody through the book.
I haven't had a lot of success with my sponsors,
but that's not on me, that's on them.
You know, God love them.
And I hope that, you know,
each one that I have had contact with
and hope maybe something stuck
and maybe that somewhere down wherever they may be,
that they're doing okay.
But, you know, I'm sure you've all seen it too.
Some people are great sponsors.
That's just a natural, they're just natural sponsors.
And that's fantastic.
Some people are great speakers and that's fantastic.
Some people make really good coffee.
I mean, really, you can tell the difference
when you switch over that commitment, right?
I mean, you know, the coffee was pretty darn good
and then they switched that commitment.
It's like, whoa, we're gonna have to talk to this one, okay.
But you know what, the point I'm making is,
you know, I've just found that it's important
to find your niche because that's what,
at least for me, for my personal experience,
that's what keeps me coming back
because then it's because I enjoy it.
And I, you know, I was fortunate enough
to get involved with the convention as well,
San Fernando Valley Convention.
And again, that was when I was five months sober.
I went to my first convention as a volunteer
and in 2017, I was the chairperson.
So, you know, you just jump in there and get to it
and, you know, these things happen
and it's been just a blessing to me.
And, you know, I'm retired now.
I've been retired for a while actually
because I took care of my dad in the end.
And like I said, that time that wasn't too lovely,
but, you know, fortunately,
I'm blessed that I was able to retire
and, you know, I have a very simple life now.
It's simple, but it's wonderful, it's lovely.
You know, I basically get to do it.
I'm not married, I never married,
I never had kids by choice.
Nothing against people that do, but wasn't my thing,
wasn't in the cards.
But, you know, the thing is it just,
it gives me, I have a freedom now.
And the freedom is not just because of what's on the outside
and what I have on the outside, the freedom is now inside.
And that's because of Alcoholics Anonymous,
because now instead of that dread and darkness
and that black hole, 'cause like I said earlier,
facade, all the facade always, oh, everything's great.
I could put that up really good, but nobody knew,
nobody saw the darkness and how bad it was.
And I certainly was not a person who was gonna kill myself
because that's not the person that my parents raised.
And out of respect for them,
I would never have done anything like that.
You know, their love and support is basically,
I think, for many years what saved my life
in the sense that there was just so much respect for them
that I wouldn't do anything.
I mean, it was bad enough I was killing myself slowly.
You know, the good news is I found the answer
and I found the solution, and that's here.
That was here in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And, you know, as it says in "A Vision for You,"
it talks about, you know, how,
that I'm trying to think where it is that,
but, you know, the hideous four horsemen,
the jumping off place, the beginning of that chapter
is just so exactly, when I heard it read for the first time,
it was another one of those things
that just completely clicked in my head
of that place of can't live with it
and I can't live without it.
But the reality is I can live without it.
And, you know, that it's truly a blessing
to be able to do that.
Now, I had mentioned earlier that, you know,
the energies and the spirits that I believe in,
and so my higher power, I do have different names.
I call God sometimes, I call Spirit of the Universe.
It's one of the things I love about it in the big book,
the way Bill writes about spirits, you know?
And he has many different names that he uses.
He doesn't use God all the time.
And he was another one, again,
talking about the history and learning the history.
He also felt that way.
He had an aversion to organized religion.
I did too.
I mean, I was not raised in a strict religion.
My parents were very kind of,
well, my dad never really even said the word God,
I don't think.
It wasn't that he was, you know,
against or had a problem with it.
He just wasn't his thing
and he never really talked much about it.
But my mom was a seeker
and she would try many different things.
And so I think from her is where I got that sense of,
you know, there's many different versions
and there's, as one of the sayings goes,
there's many paths to God.
And so, yeah, that wasn't hard for me to grasp that.
And especially, again, reading Bill's story
and learning about how he felt about it.
And so being able to call whatever it is
that works for you is the beauty of it.
And that was one of the things, again,
that pulled me into AA
because when I got here, you said, you know,
we don't care what you believe.
'Cause that was one of my things.
It's like, oh, they're gonna start talking about God
and you gotta believe in God
and you gotta believe this way.
The way I envisioned organized religion had done
when I was younger.
And no, you guys were like, nope, we don't care.
Doesn't matter.
You can call it what you want.
You can believe in what you want.
You just gotta know that there's something bigger than you.
I was like, all right, that's good.
I can do that.
And so that, you know, that was where it started.
And as the years have gone on, like I say,
I believe in angels and I believe in energy
and I believe in the spirit of the universe.
And I trust that it will get me through.
And so far it has, you know, it gets me through.
It gets me through when things get difficult.
The beginning of this year was a beast
as far as losing people and just wonderful AA people.
And the beginning of the year,
within a matter of a few weeks,
two of the women, one was my grand sponsor
and one was my great-grand sponsor
when I was brand new, when I first started.
And then they became just really dear friends of mine
as time went on.
And within a few weeks, they both passed away.
I don't know, those of you that knew Bob Fisher
from central office, fantastic, wonderful Bob Fisher.
That just the man that, you know,
every time I saw that man, just was like,
"Give me a hug, Bob Fisher,
"and I'll know all is right with the world."
And it was, and we lost him.
And that was a huge blow just to everybody,
to all who knew him and came in touch.
But thank God we had those people.
You know, I'm so grateful for the people
that have come before and the people
that have kept the doors open
and, you know, have continued to carry the message.
And then I look at that and every time
we do lose our wonderful old timers
and those that have helped us through, you know,
it's like, well, then that's them passing the torch to us.
'Cause if AA is to survive, we all have to continue.
We have to continue to do what we do
and carry the message and be the examples.
And again, going back to what I was saying
about finding your niche, like when I walked in tonight,
so many of you there that were so friendly
and greeted and said, "Hi."
And that's just a wonderful thing, you know,
and that's important.
And not all meetings do that.
I'm sure you all know that.
You've been to meetings where not everybody,
you know, is that, I mean, hopefully most of them are,
but, you know, and that's just great
because that pulls you in.
That's, you know, the example.
We show the example, this is what we have,
not promotion, what is it?
Thank you.
You know, the old brain cells came back,
like, you know, in the first five to 10 years.
And now I've reached that age
where now they're starting to, you know, that's all right.
At least I got some of them back.
That's the good news.
Anybody that's new, they may think like,
I was somewhere not too long ago
and I said that and there was a young lady
and she was like, "Really?"
I said, "Yeah, hang in there, they'll come back."
You know, they will, but you just gotta have faith.
But yeah, so, you know, I'm so grateful for this program
and I like to have fun in this program
and I really do my best to enjoy, you know,
and have the fun and be silly,
but I take my sobriety very seriously.
I mean, there's no joke about being an alcoholic
and I know that it wouldn't take much.
It wouldn't take much.
And the thing that I always, you know, it's that fear,
but it's a good fear.
My sponsor now says that's a good, healthy fear.
You know, that I always say that I don't know
if I was to all of a sudden decide,
you know what, I got this thing,
I think I'll go ahead and take a drink.
How bad could it be?
First of all, if I'd be stupid enough
to throw away everything I've worked so hard for,
but it could happen.
I don't know that I would come back.
I don't know that I would have that strength
or that energy to actually do that again.
So you know what?
I don't think I'm gonna play that game
'cause I have that healthy fear
and I will hold on to that healthy fear.
And I'm just so grateful that there is Alcoholics Anonymous,
that there is a solution.
And again, you know, just to put it out there though,
I also believe in acknowledging other ways
that people have found to stay sober
'cause there are other ways.
AA is, it says it in our literature,
we are not the only answer.
We're a pretty damn good answer,
but there are other ways that people can do it.
And again, it goes with what I said earlier
about finding your niche.
You know, if you're not finding where you fit in yet,
keep searching for it.
Keep searching for it because you will find it.
Just the important thing is, you know, hang on,
hold onto the hope that your life can be better.
And that's what I do.
That's the best I can do.
And I try to do that every day, each day,
one day at a time.
I try to practice these principles in all my affairs.
And I thank you all for inviting me,
for allowing me to come and share with you.
Thank you.