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 asking me to pick up my sobriety. I wasn't nervous the entire time. I know that I walked

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 up here, I'm like, "Ah! God!" It's always, you know, it's so hard, you know, to get going

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 and then, like, by the time I'm done, I'm gonna feel so much greater. Like, it's so

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 weird. But I'll start out with my sobriety date is January 10th, 2014. My sponsor is

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 Maggie and Remain Teachable is my home group. Lordy. Okay, so, growing up, it was me and

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 my older sister. She's five years older. And, you know, our house was chaotic, you know.

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 My mom was there, but not, like, emotionally, you know. She had her own stuff going on.

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 My dad was in and out of prison. The only thing I had was my grandparents would come

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 and get me every weekend. And going to their house, their house was normal, you know. If

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 you dirty the date, you washed it. If you got something, you put it back where it went,

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 you know. And these are, like, such little things, but I even knew then, like, that's

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 normal, you know. My house was nothing like that. You know, my sister was always the one

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 helping to take care of me, getting up for school and things like that, you know. When

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 I was seven, my mom had twins. And, unfortunately, you know, my dad left for a good while this

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 time and she met some new guy. And we lived in Rosemond. But we moved out to, like, an

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 acre of property, like, farther out in Rosemond. My nearest neighbor was, like, half a mile

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 away, you know. And I actually like living out there, you know. I had my bike. I used

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 to ride around everywhere. I got a BB gun for Christmas one year. And I was just, I

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 had so much fun. But I was by myself a lot, you know. I didn't want any friends to come

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 over just because my house was so odd, you know. I felt like nobody else lived this way.

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 I always wanted to be at other people's houses. There was, you know, one scenario. My dad

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 came home. He had gotten out of prison and he actually came to the house. And so it was

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 my mom and my dad in the room and my stepdad was on the couch. And I was, like, 12 years

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 old. And, like, I felt so horrible for my stepdad, you know. Like, I was glad that my

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 dad was there. I was happy. But it was just such a weird dynamic, you know. And what happened

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 was my dad actually OD'd on the toilet and my mom had pulled him into the hallway and

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 she was doing CPR and I had to run to the neighbors because we didn't have a phone.

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 And so, you know, I called the ambulance and they came and I'm sitting outside and one

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 of my friends comes up because she wants me to go horseback riding with her. And I'm just,

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 I'm embarrassed because what do you say? Like, we have an ambulance there. Why? You know.

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 And just, that was my house. My house was just embarrassing. And I didn't realize until

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 later that my mom sold pot. So that is why we always had all these people at my house.

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 We had a guy living on our couch for a year, you know. And just, it was hectic, you know.

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 But my grandparents were my saving grace because I was able to have some sort of normalcy,

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 you know. Whenever we didn't have what we needed, my grandparents always took care of

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 that, you know. As I got older, my sister actually left and moved with my grandparents

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 and that was like my first big resentment. I didn't know it was a resentment until later,

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 but I just didn't understand why she got to leave and I had to stay, you know, because

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 I didn't want to be there. And it was just me and my twin sisters, you know. It was me

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 taking care of them, you know. And then my mom left for a while, left us with this stepdad

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 and I had no idea where she was, you know. And then at 12, I'm in the middle of seventh

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 grade and she comes back and says, "Well, we're moving," you know. And so I had to start

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 a new school and I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to any kind of change even then,

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 you know. I didn't, I just didn't want to have to be the new person. I was so terrified,

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 you know, to have to do that. I remember crying in the office because I just, I didn't want

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 to do that, you know. And I didn't make any friends for a while, you know. I got a nickname

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 because I was taller, I developed more and I just felt totally different than everyone

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 else. I met a friend and her aunt cleaned houses and we went to her friends and we tried

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 that boxed wine. And we both had a glass of it and I just felt, I thought I felt so happy.

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 I was just smiling and laughing and it just kind of felt so good, you know. And my thought

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 was, you know, I want another one because if one made me feel this way then another

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 one has to make me feel even better, you know. And that would basically be the course of

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 my life until I got sober because it's just, I always had to have more. That's, my brain

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 always told me that. And, you know, but I didn't do anything. I was 13 then and I didn't

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 do anything until high school, you know, when I got, when I was a freshman and, you know,

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 I started, I started doing stuff and it was just, that's all I wanted to do. My mom wasn't

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 there really taking care of me. And, you know, when she tried to say anything, I was like,

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 no, sorry. Like you haven't taken care of me, so I'm not going to listen to you. You

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 know, I was such a brat. I really was. And you know, my grandparents really tried to

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 help and, you know, they really just wanted me to be in school and graduate. And I didn't

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 want to do that. I was rarely going to school cause I'd wake up in the morning and be like,

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 I don't want to go, you know. And, um, my mom called my grandparents one night and said,

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 she was just complaining that I didn't want to go to school and yada yada. And then a

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 couple hours later we got a call that my grandma had had a massive heart attack. And, uh, basically

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 she died then, but because my grandpa did CPR, you know, they took her to the hospital

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 and, um, I just, from that point on, I felt that that was my fault. You know, my mom wasn't

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 complaining about me. It wouldn't have stressed her out. And, um, you know, I had a lot of

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 trouble with that because I started getting anxiety and having panic attacks. And, you

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 know, I went to the doctor and started taking psych meds and you know, things seem to kind

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 of be okay, you know, but the problem was I didn't know how to deal with any emotion.

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 I had never had anything like this happen and nobody said anything like my whole family

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 just like fell apart after that, you know? And so I thought things were good. I met a

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 guy and I started going to school again and you know, I, whatever, I thought things were

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 okay until I got pregnant at 17. And, you know, I quit taking medication and things

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 were great. I felt fabulous at 18. I had a daughter and at 19 me and my ex husband got

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 married and you know, I thought this is what you were supposed to do. This is, you know,

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 you meet someone, you have kids, you build a life. I'm doing what the world says I should

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 be doing. And, um, but the problem was I wasn't, I was still myself inside and I didn't know

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 how to deal with any of that. Um, and so what happened with that is when I turned 23, um,

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 the year was 2003 and my dad was actually going to get out of prison in December and

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 he had been in there for like 12 years. And, um, but it happened was two months prior we

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 got a call that he was in the infirmary and he was basically dying and, um, they let him

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 call us on their stupid pay phone and it was a 15 minute call and it was just, it was hectic.

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 And once again here I have all these emotions that I don't know what to do with. I don't

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 know where they should go or how to deal with them. And so I do what I do best and I stuff

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 them and I start, you know, I'm working and some of my back's hurting. So I start taking

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 something for that and then my anxiety is coming back. So instead of going to a doctor,

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 I'm my own doctor. I know it works. So I start taking something else for that. And you know,

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 this gets in the way of my marriage, which I don't see there's a problem with, you know,

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 because I am taking care of the house and taking care of my daughter. Like the bills

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 are paid, things are fine. So I should be able to do what I want to do. And he didn't

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 like that, you know, he wanted me to quit. And because I'm selfish and self centered,

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 I said no. And we ended up splitting up and eventually got a divorce. And, um, you know,

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 I moved back in with my mom and I just stayed stuck for the rest of the time. Um, instead

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 of going back to a doctor, my anxiety and depression just got worse. And I remember

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 I was in the house for four years. Like I was, I was completely scared to leave my driveway.

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 Like I would have crazy panic attacks that I felt like I was dying. Like I was literally

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 dying and um, you know, but because I am still who I am, I met another him because that is

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 going to fix me. That is going to help me. And I ended up getting pregnant and um, I

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 knew that I couldn't, I couldn't take care of this person because I couldn't even take

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 care of my daughter, you know? So what I did is I was coming to get an abortion. Actually,

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 I lived in Lancaster and I was coming out here and the tire in the rim flew off of my

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 car on the freeway and uh, my best friend's mom said it's divine intervention. And I was

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 like, you know, that's crap. No, it's not. Um, but I ended up finding a family and was

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 able to give that child up for adoption. And you know, I think that was one of the best

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 things I'd ever done in my life because this child was able to have a life, you know? Um,

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 so what I also didn't realize is how hard that was on my family because I am selfish

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 and self centered. This is happening to me. It doesn't involve you, so you shouldn't have

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 any feelings about it. But my family did, you know, and I didn't realize that. And um,

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 you know, my sister came to the hospital and couldn't even come in the room, you know?

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 Um, and I think about that now and it was really crappy, you know, it just, the things

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 that I put my family through because it was all about me. Um, you know, but did I change?

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 No, I sure didn't because there was nothing wrong. And um, you know, for like the next

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 10 years, that's all I did. I just kept getting lower and lower and I kept, you know, finding

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 lower companions. Um, because in my world everybody was doing what I was doing, you

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 know? And no, that's not the case. It's just only the people that I attracted because that's

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 what I was doing. Um, you know, when it's like 2012 or something, I decided I'm going

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 to move to Florida because that's going to help. Like I'm, you know, cause I'm with another

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 him and he's going to help and we're going to get to Florida and things will be great.

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 And no, they weren't because I'm still me and I'm still hanging around people that I

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 shouldn't be hanging around. And you know, it was chaos. It was six months. My friends

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 were able to help get me a bus ticket back home and I came back to California and moved

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 with my friend and unfortunately I kept, I just couldn't stop the cycle. I didn't know

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 how to stop anything. Um, but in the end of 2013 I was, um, I was laying on the couch

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 and I was coming down and I remember cutting myself and you know, seeing the blood, I didn't

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 feel the pain. And right then I just, something clicked and I said, do you have a problem?

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 Like you need help. You really need help. And so what I actually did was I went to Tarzana

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 treatment center and I started filling out all the paperwork and I don't know why I did

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 that. I honestly don't because I don't feel that that was me doing that. You know, um,

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 the ladies asking me all these questions and I was actually honest with her, you know,

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 about what I was doing. And they said, okay, well we don't have a bed yet, so you'll have

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 to keep calling until we do. And you know, I always say this because I don't know if

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 it was like this for you, but if I try something once and it doesn't work, well at least I

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 try, you know, I'm not putting any more effort if I'm not getting anything in return. So,

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 but for some reason I kept calling. It was the weirdest thing. And on January 8th they

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 said, we have a bed. We need to be here at nine, eight in the morning tomorrow. And I

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 was like, Oh my God, like terrified yet. I'd had like three months preparation, but I,

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 you know, packed all my stuff and that consisted of a suitcase and a duckle bag. And that was

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 all I owned. And you know, last thing I remember was hugging my best friend and frying. Next

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 thing you know, I wake up in the lobby at Tarzana here in Rosita and uh, I don't know

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 how that happened. And I think that was my higher power because I had $200 in my pocket

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 and I could have told the guy, Nope, I don't want to go, you know, but I got in there and

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 I did two weeks in detox and um, I'm nuts. I know I'm nuts, but they had people in panels

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 coming in. And the first one that I went to, I got a big book and a 12 and 12. Like I just,

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 I felt that I was going to need those. And um, I don't remember hearing anything specific

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 when they came. I just, I felt something, you know, and um, they were asking me what

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 I wanted to do and I said, well, I want to go into residential. Like I don't want to

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 go back to where I was at. And they said, well, we probably don't have a bed and you

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 know, so I go to my room and I fling my books and I'm crying cause I have to be dramatic,

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 you know, and I was just, I was so upset. I didn't want to go back, you know, and the

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 next day they took me to the office and they slid a paper over and they were able to get

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 me 90 days in residential and that was the best thing in the world for me. Um, so when

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 panels would come in, everybody's in detox, they don't want to do nothing. They want to

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 sleep. Here I am going, the panel's here and I'm like walking around all excited and they're

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 like, nobody cares, you know? And I just, I don't know, I felt something, you know,

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 I felt some sort of maybe I could be okay, you know, and I went into the residential

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 side and I ended up staying there for nine months and um, I am so grateful for that because

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 I didn't start going to outside meetings until like my first month and a half being in there.

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 And um, when I did, they brought me to this meeting where everybody's outside and we're

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 all smiling and happy and talking and you know, they're wanting to shake your hand and

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 they're wanting to introduce themselves. They want to know your name. First of all, it's

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 too much. It's way too much. I don't want to tell you nothing. And with the way that

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 I felt about myself, like why do you want to know anything about me? You know? And,

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 but I kept coming back, you know, there was a woman who would come and pick up women from

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 Tarzana and take them to meetings. And you know, I started going to those meetings and

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 I started hearing what the people were sharing, you know, and when I got Maggie as my sponsor,

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 she said, Lord, it was like, I felt like she was like a scroll, you know, it was just like

168
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 running down with all the things I had to do. Cause it's like, you need to read the

169
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 big book cover to cover. You got to call me every day. You got to go to a meeting every

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 day. Just a lot of stuff. Now mind you, it is not a lot of stuff. It's really not because

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 I'm in treatment. I have nothing to do. Like I go to their groups all day and that's all

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 they do. Like I have the time. And you know, and I said, okay, fine. You know, I started

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 doing those things and you know, she said, you need to get a higher power. And I didn't

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 have any sort of religion growing up and nothing. And so it just felt odd. You know, she said,

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 talk to him as a friend. And I felt so stupid cause at night I'm like, Hey, you know, how's

176
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 it going? Like I'm trying to feel it out, you know? And it's not, it feels so stupid.

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 Like it felt, I felt ridiculous doing it, but thankfully it doesn't matter how ridiculous

178
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 you feel. It doesn't matter what you think about it. But by taking that action, I started

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 to feel something, you know, and I started doing my steps with her. And when I got to

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 my third step, that was really when I felt this connection with a higher power that I

181
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 had never had. Looking back on things and the way that I got to where I was, I definitely

182
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 had a higher power the whole time. And I just didn't know it. When I was in treatment, I

183
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 had seen that my ex husband had went and tried to get full custody of my daughter. Now, mind

184
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 you, I hadn't seen my daughter in five years. She was nine the last time I had seen her.

185
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 And I was once again, selfish and self-centered. I told the judge I had went to a program when

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 I didn't and he said, all right, well, I want to see all the paperwork. And when I left

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 that day, I just f it. That's how I felt because I didn't have any of that. So I, you know,

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 the last time I saw her, it was Mother's Day. And, um, you know, so when I saw that he was

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 going for full custody, you know, I talked with my sponsor. She said, okay, this is what

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 we're going to do, you know, and she guided me in the right direction of what I needed

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 to do. My first court date was actually on her sobriety birthday and she actually went

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 down to Lancaster with me to the courthouse, you know, and I never had somebody do that

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 for me. I never had someone do something for me that didn't want anything in return, you

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 know? Um, but by doing the step work, by coming to the meetings and having commitment and

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 following somebody else's direction, I was able to make it through all those court dates.

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 You know, the judge had me put my daughter in reunification therapy and I had to pay

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 for that. My joy working at the Goodwill, you know, I have this little, I was able to

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 get this little job, you know, and the cool thing was is my sponsor said, this is what

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 you need to do when you get a job because you need to be able to still go to your meetings.

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 And I was like, people aren't going to hire me if my availability isn't open. Like that

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 my thought, like it needs to be open on all days. She said, no, you need to let them know

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 this time, like you can't work past this time, you know? And I did that and I was able to

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 get a job and they worked with me, you know, and that was amazing because never did I think

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 that would happen, you know? So I start doing all of this. I'm having to take the Metro

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 lane to Lancaster. I'm an hour late to court each time because it doesn't get there until

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 nine o'clock and court starts at eight, you know, but I just kept doing it, you know,

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 and it took a long time. It took a year of my daughter being in therapy and then six

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 months of me and her both being in therapy. And you know, I remember calling my sponsor

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 one night and I'm crying and I said, I'm not doing this anymore. She can come and find

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 me when she's 18 and my sponsor's like, no, that's not what's going to happen. You know,

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 she's like, you're just, you're going to do the next right. Indicated stuff, you know?

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 And that's what I love about this program is because my mind can be so chaotic and crazy,

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 but I have someone that I can talk to that says, calm down, you know, take a breath.

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 This is what we're going to do, you know? And that's what I never realized is I made

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 all my decisions off of my emotions. You know, I, I never saw the bigger picture. I couldn't

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 see past anything of my emotions, like what I was thinking right then. And you know, that's

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 been amazing to find in this program that I don't have to do that. You know, I can have

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 feelings and thoughts like, but they're not going to last, you know, and it's helped me

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 to keep my list of arms down, you know, being sober. However, you know, I kept doing what

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 I was supposed to do. You know, I met one of the best people in this program. We actually

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 met in treatment and we had been going to these meetings and you know, his birthday

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 was January 1st. And so, you know, we started every year taking our sponsors out together

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 for our birthdays and taking Kate at the same time. And, you know, he was the best, like

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 the best friend that I could ever have, you know, somebody that I could just completely

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 trust and, you know, we did everything together, you know, and unfortunately, you know, he

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 passed away earlier this year and it, it was like the worst. I feel like it's the worst

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 thing that I've ever had to go through being sober because it just didn't seem right, you

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 know, it's just, it's not fair. And I was, I was, I still am struggling with the why,

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 you know, because it doesn't seem like it had to happen, you know, but I'm also grateful

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 that I got to have him in my life and I'm grateful that I got to be with him when everything

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 was going on and that, you know, I had have, you know, a job now that allows me to have

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 more flexibility, you know. They say, get a friend in this program and I have so many

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 of them, you know, I live with sober women, you know, me and Nancy, it's been, thank you.

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 It's been seven years, you know, that we have lived together and it's been crazy. It hasn't

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 always been easy. It's fabulous because there's times I don't want to go to my sponsor or

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 there's times that something happens right then and there and I can't get to my sponsor,

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 but I have sober women that are right there. It's three in the morning and something happens,

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 I can go to her, you know, and it's just, it has really helped me to grow, to learn

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 to be a friend and to learn the world doesn't revolve around me as much as I want it to.

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 It just doesn't, you know. So I ended up getting, you know, my daughter back in my life. She

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 is 22 years old. I was there for her graduation, you know, I was there for dance recitals.

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 I have the best relationship with her, you know, she comes and stays the night Wednesdays

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 and Mondays and I just, she talks to me, you know, like she wants to hang out. I've been

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 to three concerts this year because she's like, you want to go here? And my answer is

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 always, yes, I do. I don't care what it is, you know, I don't care just to be able to

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 spend time with her, you know. And one other thing that I completely forgot is, which seems

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 like an afterthought, I lost my mom as well, you know. And I guess for me, I feel it was

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 hard losing my mom it was, but I feel that it wasn't as hard because I feel that now

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 she's finally at peace. My thought is she was one of us and her life was constant chaos.

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 For about a year and a half, she was homeless in Lancaster and there was nothing I could

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 do, like nothing. And it killed me every single time, you know. But the great thing is the

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 program had taught me how to be a daughter and I was able to be there for her. Even though

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 I couldn't constantly help her, I was able to still be there for her. And that was one

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 of the greatest gifts as well that I got because I never thought that that would happen. It

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 is hard to be there for someone when you just want to shake them, you know, you want to

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 shake them and say, just start doing this, you know, like your life will be better. My

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 two younger sisters, those twins, they are both in the wind doing whatever they want

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 to do. And they know that I've been here, they've seen me, they've seen how I've changed

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 and they're not ready. And I can't, you know, my sister would always hit me up for money

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 and of course here and there I would give it to her, but I finally told her, I can't,

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 I can't do this. If you cannot get sober, I cannot help you. And that has been the hardest

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 thing to do because she doesn't contact you anymore. I don't know. I don't know what goes

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 on with them, you know, but I know that they have their own higher power and I know that

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 I just still have to keep doing what I'm doing because regardless, I'm still an example,

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 even though they still haven't gotten it yet and they're, you know, maybe they will, you

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 know, that's all I can hope for. You know, it's been, it's been a crazy nine and a half

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 years. It's been the absolute best because I never thought that my life would be what

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 it is now. Never, never did I think I'd have a relationship with my daughter. Never did

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 I think that I would be able to live and self be self-supporting, you know, I pay rent and

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 2018 I was able to buy my first car. Like I had never owned anything, you know, I was

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 never able to do that, you know, and because of those stupid commitments that I'm like,

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 these are not going to help me. Well, it's helped me to be accountable. It's helped me

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 to show up. It has helped me to be of service any way that I can, you know, and people tend

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 to see that and they're like, Oh no, you know, because they can kill on me and that was never

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 the case. If you told me you needed me to do something, I'd say, okay, and then you

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 wouldn't see me for a while, you know, because I either forgot or I just didn't want to do

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 it, you know? Um, but that's not how it is today. Like if I genuinely can't do something,

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 I'm going to help you try to find a way to get it done. You know, I just, it's, it's

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 such a weird perception shift that I've had, you know, however, there are times where I'm

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 down on myself, you know, like as of right now because I am not happy with my appearance,

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 but the problem with that is I'm not doing anything about it, you know, so I can't complain.

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 I can't say anything because if I'm not willing to do the work, then that's on me, you know,

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 and that's, it's a struggle. It's so annoying. Finally went for a walk yesterday, so we'll

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 see. I guess planning on doing it tonight, you know, and I'm trying to tell myself that

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 it's small things. Like it doesn't have to be some busy, big, crazy transformation. It

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 just needs to be something small. Like when I was learning to pray every night, like that's

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 all I got to do is I just got to take the first step and start doing it, you know? And

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 um, it's because of this program, my whole life where I am now is because of this program,

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 you know? And if you are new, really just stay, you know, just, I had no other options.

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 I really didn't, you know, stay for a year and see how your life goes. Because if not,

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 the whole wide world is waiting for you if you want it, you know? And for me, and that's

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 not even what I said, I listened to people that come back after going out and they say

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 it is so much worse and I don't want that. You know, I don't like pain. I don't. And

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 so I just, I'm, I'd rather do the things that I was taught here. Even when my head tells

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 me that I don't want to, I'd rather do that than to have to fully come back in here on

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 my hands and knees and just be completely done. You know, I, I found after cleaning

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 out my mom's stuff, I found some letters. Um, one of them was one I had written to my

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 daughter and it was like a goodbye letter. And the minute I started reading it, I broke

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 down crying and I just had all those feelings that I had when I was writing that letter.

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 And I am grateful that I found that because I like being reminded of that because I don't

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 ever want to have those feelings. Those were the worst ever, you know? And if I stay here,

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 if I listen to somebody else and I just keep doing the work, I don't ever have to have

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 those feelings, you know? And they also say, get a friend. And I say, yes, get a friend,

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 get many friends because you're not going to always like what your sponsor says. You're

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 not always going to want to talk to your sponsor, you know what I mean? But having a friend,

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 you're able to talk to them and you know, you won't feel as bad when they tell you you're

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 crazy. You can't do that, you know? Um, because Juan told me that all the time, but I also

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 told him that all the time too, but it's the first time I ever had a true friendship, you

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 know, as being in these rooms because I have people that love me enough to tell me when

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 I'm messing up to love me enough to not want to see me hurt or do anything, you know, to

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 jeopardize my life. And I am really grateful for that because the people that I had in

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 my life were like, go, go, go, you know, they want to see you keep, you know, going farther

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 down the scale. And, um, you know, I'm just really grateful for the program. I'm really

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 grateful that I fell in with a group that was very structured that, you know, you go

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 to meetings every day, you get a commitment, you do this, you do that. And like, just it

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 ingrained in me when I'm laying in bed and I'm like, I am not going to that meeting,

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 I'm not doing it. But at a certain point my body gets up and starts getting ready, even

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 though my head is still saying, I'm not going, I don't want to, but I get ready and I go

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 because my feet have been trained to do that because I don't need to listen to my head

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 all the time because as I'm still, I'm still not okay. I am, but I'm not, you know, I still

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 have my old self in here. Thank you. And it's never going to go away, but I am a part of

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 something that makes it to where I can have a life today and I can be okay just being

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 by myself. And that was never the case. I am so grateful for that. And I am grateful

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 for everyone that I have found in Alcoholics Anonymous to help me on this path. So thank

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 you guys for letting me share.