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 - Everybody, I'm Miss Sandra.

2
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 I'm an alcoholic.

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 - Hi, Miss Sandra.

4
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 - Hello.

5
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 This is kind of cool.

6
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 Look at that.

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 Do I know anybody here?

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 Anyways, welcome.

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 I'm glad you're here.

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 It's kind of cool.

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 It's like, I was like, how did they see it?

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 I was like, oh, it took me a while to see this camera.

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 You guys are all fancy here.

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 Thank you for inviting me to come share with you tonight.

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 And I want to thank these lovely women that came

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 to, we had a lovely dinner before the meeting

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 and I'm on this text chain of just women in recovery

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 and I'm speaking at a meeting if anyone wants to go.

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 And when one person said yes, and then another,

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 and then it's just like this, like, oh, let's go have dinner.

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 It's just so, just to like put it out there.

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 Like what you, I mean, it's such a gift of the program

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 to like ask for what you need and people show up.

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 Like that, that's a miracle.

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 That wasn't happening in the home I grew up in.

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 You know, you didn't share anything.

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 You didn't have any needs.

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 You didn't, it wasn't safe.

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 And, you know, you didn't have feelings, no opinions,

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 no needs, none, you know, just keep your head down.

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 Like just don't, you know, catch the eye of the alcoholic

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 and just kind of keep a low profile and everything's fine.

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 So I love that, you know, I get to have a new experience

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 here, you know, and over time and welcome

35
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 if you're new, this is such a safe place

36
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 and Alcoholics Anonymous has just, you know,

37
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 changed my life.

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 I've been here a long time.

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 I start, you know, I grew up in an alcoholic home.

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 I thank you, Nate, for your share.

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 I identified with a lot of what you said.

42
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 And, you know, I too, like just never felt comfortable

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 in my skin.

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 I just always, for as far as back as I can remember,

45
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 just felt like I didn't fit in my skin.

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 I didn't, I was incredibly uncomfortable,

47
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 painfully uncomfortable around other people.

48
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 I didn't know what people, you know, when I was little

49
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 and even in preschool and people are playing, you know,

50
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 kids are playing on the playground.

51
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 I'm like, they're laughing.

52
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 I mean, it just seems like they're laughing.

53
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 They're having fun.

54
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 What are they talking about?

55
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 Like, what are they doing?

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 I just felt like it was an alien.

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 I was like, what is happening here?

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 Like that, nothing's funny.

59
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 There is no having any fun.

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 And I was very serious from a very young age.

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 And my favorite thing to do is just be by myself,

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 like be by myself.

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 Then I don't have to, you know,

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 I guess I don't have to have any feelings.

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 I don't have to deal with reality.

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 I don't have to deal with alcoholism.

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 I don't have to, you know,

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 feel anything I don't want to feel.

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 So it was just better to be invisible.

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 And so I spent, you know, and it's interesting because,

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 you know, I, my mom was that, you know,

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 was a stay at home mom.

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 But I have very little memory of her growing up.

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 I think I was isolating and she was isolating.

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 And it was, it was a long time into sobriety.

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 And one day, you know,

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 I have a beautiful relationship with my parents today

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 because of this program.

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 And, you know, and I, and I asked her if, you know,

80
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 she like, you know, had depression growing up

81
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 and she said, and we talked about that because, you know,

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 one of my children, you know, is, you know, had, you know,

83
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 has had problems with depression.

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 And I just like had this light bulb when I was like,

85
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 never my mom, like had, 'cause it, 'cause where was she?

86
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 She was in the house, but I don't know where.

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 Like I, you know, we were not interacting.

88
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 And so we talked about that.

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 We had, you know, had a real conversation about that.

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 And, you know, it wasn't okay to like have problems,

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 you know, so she had to hide that.

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 That wasn't something she ever got help with.

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 And, you know, that was so, that was so sad to me.

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 And I just thought, yeah, that is like the disease

95
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 of alcoholism and, you know, and her untreated alanonism,

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 you know, so devastating, you know, it just devastates.

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 It's heartbreaking how it devastates lives.

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 And, you know, and I grew up,

99
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 I have my brother six years older than me.

100
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 And, you know, he, you know, was a drug addict

101
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 from a young age, alcohol, you know, drinking alcohol,

102
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 all kinds of drugs.

103
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 He was kind of the wild one.

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 And my parents, you know,

105
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 there was a lot of alcohol in our home, a lot,

106
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 like fully stocked bars and then,

107
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 and closets with just cases of wine

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 and gallon bottles of vodka.

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 And like, just my parents like entertained

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 and like, they weren't like keeping track of any alcohol,

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 you know, so it was really a free for all.

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 So I was nine and my brother was 15

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 and he was like well into his, you know, disease.

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 And we lived in a small town in Kansas

115
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 and about an hour away was a bigger town

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 that where all of my parents' friends were.

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 So they, I think they decided at about that age,

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 it was fine for them to be gone a lot

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 and with their friends and we were just home

120
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 and, you know, people would come

121
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 and the parties would start and then I would just,

122
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 that's when my brother and I kind of started

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 actually getting along because, you know,

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 I'd keep my mouth shut and then I'd get like, you know,

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 whatever drugs and alcohol I wanted, you know.

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 And I just remember the first time, I was nine years old

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 and I mean, I had to had alcohol before then I think,

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 like at little family events and stuff.

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 But I just remember that like at that age,

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 like that feeling of taking in that drink

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 and then it just like went in,

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 like just to the bottom of my toes,

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 out to the tips of my fingers, like just this,

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 everything just kind of went like this.

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 Like, 'cause I just had felt like,

136
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 so like my outsides and my insides didn't match,

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 like I didn't fit in my skin, just so uncomfortable.

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 And this sense of ease and comfort came over me

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 and I just remember feeling like,

140
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 how did I not know about this?

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 Like, where has this been all my life?

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 Like, you know, and of course, you know,

143
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 when my kids were nine, I was like, that is,

144
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 I, you know, it just didn't compute in my brain,

145
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 like how old and just tired and broken

146
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 I already felt at that age.

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 And, you know, and alcohol was really my solution.

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 There was no other solution being offered anywhere

149
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 and so that was what I had access to

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 and I had access to a lot of it.

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 And if I wasn't drinking, I was planning.

152
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 I was like, I'm a really, really good poker player.

153
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 I'm a good at cards,

154
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 but I also have a really good poker face

155
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 'cause I've been lying for a very, very long time.

156
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 And I have this very sweet, you know, like a crackled face,

157
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 you know, just like, and I can just,

158
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 I could lie to you like nobody's business.

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 And I, you know, I totally, you know, anyways,

160
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 so that was kind of my relationship with alcohol.

161
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 I never, I don't ever feel like I crossed some invisible line

162
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 it was just like from the get-go it was on

163
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 and it was my solution for a long time.

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 I mean, I did, I got sober young, but it worked.

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 It worked when it worked.

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 And then as boys came in on the scene, you know,

167
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 then combine that with alcohol and, you know,

168
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 there was drama and, you know, it just, it was fantastic.

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 You know, it was like, I didn't have to deal with reality.

170
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 I didn't have to deal with, you know, any like feeling.

171
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 I just was like this elixir of like insanity.

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 And, you know, I was, you know, violent with my boyfriends,

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 like, you know, I punched my boyfriends,

174
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 throw things at them, you know, I've just,

175
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 and just, I was out of control.

176
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 I was just out of my mind.

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 Like my body was just like explosive

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 'cause I had so much, you know,

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 a lot of feelings that I didn't know how to have.

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 And so anger was my primary tool.

181
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 My primary feeling, because that was my sense of power.

182
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 And, you know, all the other, you know,

183
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 it was anytime I had any kind of sadness, fear,

184
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 disappointment, betrayal, grief,

185
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 any of those feelings that were not safe to have,

186
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 you know, anger was right there.

187
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 You know, anger was the thing that,

188
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 so that took a long time to, you know, to heal in sobriety.

189
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 That was not something that went away easy,

190
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 but it did go away.

191
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 You know, I don't have that impulse today, you know,

192
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 and which is a miracle because, you know, you actually,

193
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 you know, I actually have access to my feelings today.

194
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 You know, I have safe people in my life that, you know,

195
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 I can say when I need something, you know,

196
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 just coming to speak at a meeting, you know,

197
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 like five people are like, yeah, let's go, you know,

198
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 and then, you know, so I just have these amazing people

199
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 in my life, like, so when like life really happens

200
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 and I really need something, you know, I need help.

201
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 And I learned that I can ask for that, you know,

202
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 people show up and that, you know, I've learned,

203
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 I learned here how to ask for help

204
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 and that it's important to do that

205
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 because I also allow other people to be of service.

206
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 And that's what, that's how we heal here

207
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 as we get an experience of showing up for somebody.

208
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 And I mean, when I was new, I got, I was involved in this,

209
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 you know, really, I know I'm jumping around,

210
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 but that's just, come on, ride.

211
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 When I was new, I was in a really active group

212
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 and we would go help people move.

213
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 And, you know, it would just, I was like,

214
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 what does this have to do with sobriety?

215
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 Like that, you know, we would go, you know, help newcomers.

216
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 And then I would just, I would realize like on my way home

217
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 or that night, it's like, I felt so good.

218
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 Like I like thought about someone else for a minute,

219
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,320
 you know, like, like, you know,

220
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:04,080
 it's such a relief to get out of my head

221
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,640
 and like to know that I can be of service,

222
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 that my presence matters.

223
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,200
 You know, those are, that's like, you know,

224
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 a healing that, you know, is so profound.

225
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 Like, where does that happen?

226
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 You know, how do you go from being this kid,

227
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,680
 like wanting to like hang out in a closet

228
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:23,080
 and just like not be around anybody

229
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 and, you know, drinking daily until, you know,

230
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 passing out most of the time.

231
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:33,480
 And, you know, to like being, feeling integrated,

232
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 like my insides and my outsides match today.

233
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 And I'm okay with uncomfortable feelings.

234
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 You know, I get to, you know,

235
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 I'm gonna go back to just like how I actually got sober.

236
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,440
 You know, I just had, oh, you know,

237
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,600
 alcohol and me were thick as thieves.

238
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:57,280
 I did do some drugs, but it was really only,

239
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 'cause I just, I had so much access to alcohol

240
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 that it was not a problem.

241
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:04,720
 Like that really is what did it for me.

242
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:09,040
 You know, some drugs were, I only used

243
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:13,040
 because I could control my alcohol use more.

244
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,360
 I could drink more, I could drink more, longer,

245
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,440
 how I wanted, you know, so those drugs were okay.

246
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,960
 Those helped with the alcohol, but alcohol was the thing

247
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,720
 that really transformed me, that inner shift.

248
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,960
 And just, it set up this craving in me

249
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,080
 where I just would have to take the next drink

250
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 and the next drink and the next drink.

251
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,360
 You know, once I had that first drink, you know,

252
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,360
 when someone sat down and showed me in the book,

253
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:39,480
 the difference between like a hard drinker and an alcoholic,

254
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:40,800
 that phenomenon of craving.

255
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,800
 Once you take that first drink, you have no real choice.

256
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:49,000
 There's, you can't really predict what's gonna happen.

257
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,240
 And that I really identified with.

258
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:56,160
 So my brother wound up, I'm gonna go back for a minute.

259
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,720
 My brother wound up going to treatment.

260
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,880
 I don't know, I think I was 17 or something.

261
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:04,440
 And it really got my attention 'cause I was like,

262
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:06,680
 "Uh oh, that's not good."

263
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:10,760
 You know, 'cause you know, we're like, this is our thing.

264
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,320
 And I was like, well, if he has to go to treatment,

265
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:14,760
 I better like get ahold of this thing

266
00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:16,640
 'cause I really don't wanna do that.

267
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:21,640
 And so I tried to be sober on, you know,

268
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,320
 for, I made it like nine months,

269
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:24,360
 but I'll tell you what happened.

270
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:28,440
 And that nine months is like, my life fell apart.

271
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:31,960
 It, I'd like things unraveled, I unraveled.

272
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,800
 I just thought, 'cause I had zero tools.

273
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,680
 Alcohol was my tool, you know?

274
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,320
 And so everything fell apart

275
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,640
 and I just thought I was losing my mind.

276
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:43,920
 I probably was.

277
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,600
 And so I made a call.

278
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:52,440
 I actually had one more run in me after,

279
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,000
 I decided it was spring break.

280
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,880
 It was my first year of college, it was spring break.

281
00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:00,360
 And I thought, you know, we're in Colorado

282
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,400
 and I could drink legally, I think.

283
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:07,480
 So anyways, we were drinking and I decided that I would,

284
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:10,280
 I would drink for like just this thing, you know?

285
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,320
 But you know, I wound up,

286
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:17,320
 I didn't realize that like the last call was much earlier

287
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:20,760
 than I just, I wasn't prepared for the last call.

288
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,480
 And then you're in Colorado and like everything should sit.

289
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,160
 Like you cannot get alcohol.

290
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,880
 So I'm in the middle of my drinking

291
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:31,520
 and I can't get my next drink.

292
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:35,320
 And I literally felt like I was,

293
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:38,400
 I picked a fight with a bouncer, with this huge guy.

294
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,920
 I mean, I was out of my, I was out of my mind.

295
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:44,520
 And I just was like, I could not wrap my brain

296
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,200
 around the fact that I wasn't gonna be able

297
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,040
 to have another drink.

298
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,760
 And I just felt like my insides were like boiling.

299
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:53,720
 I just, I was like panicked.

300
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,280
 Maybe I was having an anxiety attack.

301
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,000
 Maybe that's what that was, I don't know.

302
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:01,040
 But I, it was not, it was really painful.

303
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:05,040
 And I was drinking other people's half, you know,

304
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,320
 drinks that they'd left.

305
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:10,000
 I was like, you know, I was just, I needed another drink.

306
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,560
 And I wasn't, I wasn't able to really get one.

307
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,640
 And so I really knew like,

308
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:19,160
 that's not really a normal relationship with alcohol.

309
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,800
 I mean, I think I like the light bulb went on, you know,

310
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:25,120
 all the things that had kind of happened prior

311
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,360
 and then watching my brother

312
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:30,860
 and then just like feeling so out of control.

313
00:14:30,860 --> 00:14:35,480
 So I have, what time do I actually wrap up?

314
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:36,800
 - 14 Martin.

315
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,440
 - Okay, thanks.

316
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:39,400
 Okay.

317
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,600
 So I made a call,

318
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:45,680
 I had an aunt that had gone to treatment for codependency.

319
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:48,120
 And for some reason, I don't know what I was like called.

320
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:52,320
 I thought like, well, maybe that's in my mind, what I,

321
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:55,080
 how I interpreted that is like, I think I need,

322
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,420
 I know I need help, but I didn't know what it was,

323
00:14:57,420 --> 00:14:59,520
 but I thought, well, maybe I could go for codependency.

324
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:02,400
 Cause I think that kind of means it's other people's fault.

325
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:07,120
 Like, and I can like could definitely see how my problems

326
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,040
 were, you know, other people, you know, making.

327
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:13,480
 So I, however I got there, I wound up there.

328
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,840
 I wound up in treatment and, you know, it was,

329
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:21,160
 it had treatment for codependency, but also alcohol, drug,

330
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:24,600
 food, you know, sex, all kinds of everything, you know?

331
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:28,600
 So, so I mean, they zeroed in on, you know, my alcoholism.

332
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:31,680
 And so I wound up there, you know,

333
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,840
 it's like four to seven weeks and I think I'll get out of

334
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:36,060
 here in four weeks, you know, just, you know,

335
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,040
 give me the books that I need to read.

336
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,160
 And, you know, I'm a quick study, I'll figure this out.

337
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:44,120
 So I was there for seven weeks and then they sent me to the,

338
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:48,180
 well, they suggested that I not go back to, you know,

339
00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:52,200
 where I was and that I should just move on with my life.

340
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:56,560
 And so they offered me like a silver living for a year.

341
00:15:56,560 --> 00:16:01,480
 And I just, you know, I really wasn't,

342
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,000
 I didn't know what was going to happen.

343
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:06,320
 Like, you know, but I just had that moment of willingness

344
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,220
 where I really heard like, I cannot go back.

345
00:16:09,220 --> 00:16:10,600
 And I didn't want to go back.

346
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,760
 I never wanted to feel that like out of control,

347
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:16,020
 insane that I felt,

348
00:16:16,020 --> 00:16:18,640
 and they were offering me something different.

349
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:19,880
 I didn't know if it was going to work.

350
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:23,000
 I didn't know what it was, but I was like, okay, whatever.

351
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:24,520
 Okay, fine.

352
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,340
 So I went and then,

353
00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:30,160
 so it started my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous

354
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:34,560
 and that transition kind of from treatment to AA was rocky.

355
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:35,400
 It was painful.

356
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,920
 You know, it's like, I felt like I knew things

357
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,960
 'cause you learn so much in treatment

358
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,320
 about the disease and stuff.

359
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,080
 I felt like I knew a lot.

360
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:49,360
 And then AA was really like, we don't care what you know,

361
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:51,880
 it really matters what you do.

362
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:55,280
 And what we do is we work these steps.

363
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,320
 But the problem with those steps had a lot of God in them.

364
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,320
 And I was not down for that.

365
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,240
 And so I, you know,

366
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:06,440
 but I knew when I was sitting in the meetings,

367
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:10,140
 I went to probably three, at least three meetings a day.

368
00:17:10,140 --> 00:17:14,640
 My, you know, that first year out of, yeah, my first year.

369
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:17,640
 Because it was the only time I felt like a little bit

370
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,960
 of hope, like a little bit of sanity.

371
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,520
 Like my mind was quiet.

372
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:25,120
 Like I liked listening to, going to speaker meetings.

373
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,120
 I didn't want to share.

374
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,040
 I just wanted to kind of listen.

375
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:28,960
 And it took me,

376
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,400
 it was probably a year of going to meetings

377
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,080
 before I actually heard my story.

378
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:37,880
 And, but I just knew that there was hope in this room.

379
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,640
 Like they remembered my name.

380
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:40,800
 They welcomed me.

381
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,480
 They, I wasn't at the meeting.

382
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,360
 They would call me, you know, it's like, you know,

383
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:45,800
 I got commitments.

384
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,800
 I felt a part of something that was bigger than me.

385
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,680
 And that's really just what I needed.

386
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,840
 I just needed to have that surrender

387
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:56,260
 to something bigger than me.

388
00:17:56,260 --> 00:17:59,240
 And the group was my higher power for a long time,

389
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:03,140
 because this sitting in a meeting of however many people

390
00:18:03,140 --> 00:18:06,000
 that are hope hope to die alcoholics

391
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,800
 that are sitting here sober with a message of hope

392
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,320
 and is a power, was a power bigger than me.

393
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,120
 And it is a power bigger than me still today.

394
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:15,360
 Cause you know, there is,

395
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,840
 there's a power greater than us here.

396
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,120
 When we come together to, you know,

397
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:22,680
 bring all of our broken bits and just, you know,

398
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:23,560
 love each other.

399
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:28,080
 It's, you know, that's, that is really a miracle

400
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,400
 and a spiritual experience.

401
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:34,040
 And you know, so I do remember my first AA meeting

402
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,240
 when I got out of treatment

403
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,800
 and there was this guy in a suit and he was like,

404
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,600
 and I'm reading the steps on the wall

405
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,760
 and I'm contemplating which ones I can avoid

406
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,840
 and which ones I have to do, you know,

407
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:47,640
 I wasn't going to do those God steps.

408
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,960
 And I just thought, well, he's the president of AA.

409
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,120
 So I'll talk to him after the meeting.

410
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:56,320
 I just, I didn't know like that people just, you know,

411
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:59,520
 volunteer just like tonight's is my turn to tell my story.

412
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,560
 I mean, next week you're going to have someone else up here

413
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,620
 and enough people, you sit here enough times,

414
00:19:04,620 --> 00:19:05,540
 you're going to hear your story.

415
00:19:05,540 --> 00:19:07,480
 You're going to hear something that you need.

416
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,420
 And that's the beauty of this thing.

417
00:19:09,420 --> 00:19:11,800
 It's like, we just, we take turns at service.

418
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:15,720
 We, you know, when you think about the worldwide fellowship

419
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,060
 and how many millions and millions of millions of alcoholics

420
00:19:18,060 --> 00:19:20,720
 are sober today with alcohol synonymous,

421
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:24,160
 that really doesn't have a structure, no one runs it.

422
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:28,640
 Like it's, you know, that's, that is a miracle right there.

423
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,360
 So, you know, they told me things when I was new

424
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,400
 that, you know, really helped me.

425
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,760
 They're kind of, you know, corny and, you know,

426
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,600
 like don't leave before the miracle,

427
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:41,280
 listen for the similarities and not the differences,

428
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,120
 you know, just, you know, pick something bigger than,

429
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:46,760
 as long as you're not the biggest power in your life,

430
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,000
 this can work for you, you know,

431
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:53,120
 and get somebody that can sit down, you know,

432
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,400
 sit down with me and look at the book.

433
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:56,700
 And, you know, I had people,

434
00:19:56,700 --> 00:19:59,920
 I've had different people in my sobriety, you know,

435
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:03,080
 my sobriety dates, March 25th, 1986.

436
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:06,460
 And I've gone through the steps a lot, a lot of times,

437
00:20:06,460 --> 00:20:08,920
 and I've had different people take me through the steps

438
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,780
 and different people kind of work at different,

439
00:20:10,780 --> 00:20:12,020
 but the steps are the steps.

440
00:20:12,020 --> 00:20:15,480
 And I don't have to do it perfect for it to work.

441
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:16,740
 I just have to do it.

442
00:20:16,740 --> 00:20:19,520
 And, you know, I have spent, I have been stuck

443
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:23,840
 on four steps before for a very obscene amount of time.

444
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:28,520
 And because my brain wants to do it perfect

445
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:32,020
 so that I can be perfect so that I don't have to,

446
00:20:32,020 --> 00:20:34,800
 like at the end of the, at the end of the wash, right,

447
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,200
 I can just like kind of rise above human,

448
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,380
 be the spiritual being.

449
00:20:38,380 --> 00:20:40,720
 And I don't have to have any of these messy human emotions,

450
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,560
 which is all I ever wanted to avoid with my alcohol.

451
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,160
 So what I find out when I work through the steps

452
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:49,120
 is that, you know, I can face anything in life.

453
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:53,120
 I can experience any emotion that I need to experience.

454
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,540
 I can really listen deeply to who I am.

455
00:20:56,540 --> 00:20:59,720
 And I have what I need when I need it.

456
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:01,260
 You know, that's the relationship

457
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,720
 with a power greater than me

458
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,080
 that I'm never fully gonna understand.

459
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,080
 You know, that word, as we understood God and the steps

460
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:11,440
 has always been baffling to me 'cause I really, you know,

461
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:14,040
 for me, I don't think I'm ever really gonna understand God

462
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,040
 or how God works.

463
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,960
 But I know that there are so many God shots

464
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,920
 in my, when I'm paying attention

465
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,760
 and sometimes when I'm really struggling,

466
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:26,180
 you know, and I feel disconnected, which happens,

467
00:21:26,180 --> 00:21:30,040
 you know, I just, I just try and look for where,

468
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,720
 where are the places where there's like spirit express,

469
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,920
 you know, expressed in the world, you know,

470
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,560
 and where can I look for that?

471
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,440
 And it's, you know, I'm thinking about somebody

472
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,660
 and then they call or, you know,

473
00:21:42,660 --> 00:21:44,520
 I run into somebody in the grocery store

474
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:47,100
 that I needed to have a conversation with

475
00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:51,160
 or, you know, just like little things that, you know,

476
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,600
 you know, I say yes to sponsoring somebody

477
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,040
 that I don't know at all.

478
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:57,440
 And we sit down for the first time when we start talking

479
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,440
 and we have the exact same story.

480
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:01,640
 Like, it's like, how does that happen?

481
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:05,040
 Or something that's so painful that I've gone through

482
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,040
 that they need my experience, strength and hope.

483
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:11,760
 Like, so I just know that, you know, the promise that,

484
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,320
 you know, our darkest past is our greatest asset

485
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,800
 is like a real thing here.

486
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:21,440
 But we do have to sit down in this, in Alcoholics Anonymous

487
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:25,060
 and notice who's sitting next to us and,

488
00:22:25,060 --> 00:22:29,500
 and, you know, be here early, look for, you know,

489
00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:33,280
 and look for the people that are leaving early

490
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:35,440
 and chase them out the door.

491
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:41,480
 But you know, that, and notice whose lights,

492
00:22:41,740 --> 00:22:45,320
 whose eyes are dim, who need, who need like someone

493
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,080
 to just notice them.

494
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:49,640
 You know, that's how this thing just keeps going.

495
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,760
 You know, we, we just keep passing this on.

496
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:57,760
 And I, thank you, you know, the women and the men

497
00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:03,020
 that have gone before me, you know, I just,

498
00:23:03,020 --> 00:23:05,840
 I do stand on the shoulders of giants really.

499
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:09,160
 And, and I didn't want to just kind of talk about my family

500
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,960
 for a minute too, because, you know,

501
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:15,280
 I had a really difficult time with my relationship

502
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,280
 with my brother through his drug addiction.

503
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:18,840
 And that was really painful.

504
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,680
 I was sober and he wasn't.

505
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:24,160
 And for a very, very long time, he's still not sober,

506
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:27,040
 but he's not into having drug use.

507
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:30,080
 He just like, you know, kind of drinks beer daily.

508
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:33,560
 And that's, that's, you know, how he's managed it.

509
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:36,400
 But the fact that he's not using drugs every day

510
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,600
 and isn't homeless and isn't in jail anymore,

511
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,480
 like it's amazing.

512
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:42,960
 And we have a very close relationship today,

513
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,760
 but every time I would write an adventure,

514
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:46,800
 he'd be on it again.

515
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,120
 He'd be like, I just had so many resentments.

516
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:51,320
 And he's like, what is this?

517
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,440
 You know, and I would get to the men's part and, you know,

518
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:57,680
 and then one, one time through I was reading in the book

519
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:01,320
 where it says, you know, we see how our character defects

520
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:02,800
 brought out the worst in others.

521
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:06,720
 I was like, oh, like I just, I like heard that, you know,

522
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,960
 I'm sure I'd heard it a lot, but I like,

523
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:11,040
 it really went in and it's just like, oh,

524
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:13,680
 I can see I'm not a safe person for him.

525
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,800
 I have judgment, criticism, you know, I'm punishing.

526
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,120
 I'm, you know, I, you know, I have expectation,

527
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:21,440
 unrealistic expectations.

528
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:23,160
 You know, it's like all these things it's like,

529
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:26,000
 didn't it make, you know, that's not, you know,

530
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,600
 I can't have a relationship, you know,

531
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,160
 that's not a recipe for a close relationship.

532
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:35,960
 And today we, I still, you know,

533
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:40,960
 he's an untreated alcoholic and so I protect myself

534
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:47,160
 and I also can open my heart to him.

535
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,640
 And I know that, you know, in my relationship with my,

536
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,040
 you know, with my dad, you know,

537
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:58,040
 just this very super controlling alcoholic in my life

538
00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:00,120
 that over time, you know,

539
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:03,840
 my amends to him was to really just let him off the hook

540
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:06,960
 for having to see me a certain way,

541
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,560
 think I'm doing good in my life or give me anything,

542
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:10,840
 any accolade, you know, it's just like,

543
00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:13,880
 he just off the hook, it's my job to understand him

544
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,360
 and to see him in a different way.

545
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:20,920
 So those kinds of living amends, you know,

546
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:23,360
 has transformed our relationship.

547
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:27,040
 And, you know, he says things today, like, you know,

548
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,040
 I'm sure you'll figure it out, you know,

549
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:32,640
 or he'll call me and ask me my opinion on something.

550
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:35,640
 I mean, like that right there is a miracle.

551
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,480
 He wants to know what I have to say today.

552
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:41,280
 And that's, you know, that's kind of amazing.

553
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,160
 My mom and I are very close.

554
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:48,160
 I'm married, you know, I've been with my husband 30 years.

555
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:52,880
 We've got a 21 and 24 year old that has, you know,

556
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:55,280
 they've never seen us drink and, you know,

557
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:59,320
 we've raised them in a sober home and that is such a gift.

558
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:00,720
 You know, it's really a gift.

559
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,680
 And, you know, where, you know,

560
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:07,760
 my spiritual journey here has just, you know,

561
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:11,320
 my relationship with my higher power has evolved a lot.

562
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,800
 And, you know, I really, thank you.

563
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:17,680
 I really just, you know, want to say like, you know,

564
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:22,400
 when truth, you know, prayer, meditation, self, you know,

565
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:24,720
 self reflection, pen to paper,

566
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:27,520
 all of those things that our 12 and 12 talks about,

567
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:29,480
 like the unshakable foundation for life.

568
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:32,040
 When take, when practiced altogether.

569
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:35,120
 And I feel like that has been the greatest gift here

570
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:38,440
 is that I have an unshakable foundation for life.

571
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:40,280
 And, you know, I feel like my, you know,

572
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,520
 my insights and my outside match today.

573
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:48,520
 And I know who I am, I am who I am and whatever.

574
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:50,840
 I'm not one way with one person, another way with another.

575
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:54,960
 You know, it's like, I'm just, I am, I feel like, you know,

576
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:57,640
 my feet are planted on the ground when, you know,

577
00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,840
 a truth is revealed, I don't have to fear it.

578
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:03,840
 I don't have to, like there are uncomfortable truths

579
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:06,760
 sometimes that are revealed and things.

580
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:11,320
 And, you know, I just know that it's an opportunity

581
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:12,160
 for me to grow.

582
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:13,920
 I can walk through anything.

583
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:15,800
 I don't have to do it alone.

584
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:20,000
 And I can be, you know, I'm just, you know,

585
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:22,320
 I can go as deep as I want to go

586
00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:23,840
 and be as free as I want to be.

587
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:25,560
 Again, just keep going here.

588
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:29,480
 And I love, love, love Alcoholics Anonymous.

589
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:32,960
 It is such a miracle that we're all just here

590
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:37,160
 on a Saturday night, sane, sober, together.

591
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:40,640
 And if you're new, really, really, really

592
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,120
 just keep coming back.

593
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:44,840
 'Cause there is a beautiful message here.

594
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:47,800
 And if you haven't heard what you needed to hear,

595
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:51,240
 just keep coming 'cause you will if you are an alcoholic.

596
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,200
 So thanks so much for being here tonight.

597
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,280
 (indistinct)