1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:09,000 I'm Joe Knakalik, and thanks Bennett for asking me to participate in my sobriety and share with y'all tonight. 2 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:19,500 And it's an honor and a privilege to suit up and show up and do the things in AA, and I don't do a lot of speaker meetings here in San Diego, so you know, it's a nice change of pace for me. 3 00:00:19,500 --> 00:00:29,300 Anyway, I shared my 10-minute not that long ago, most of you heard my story, so feel free to nod off, it won't offend me, might call you out on it. 4 00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:49,800 But it won't offend me. Anyway, man, I always say I'm a functioning alcoholic, but that I mean real simple, you know, I was never arrested, I didn't crash cars, I didn't lose jobs, my family loved me, I knew they loved me, I had friends, I did well in school. 5 00:00:49,800 --> 00:01:01,300 Really, on the outside, nothing should have been wrong. Now, on the inside, I'm a neurotic, self-obsessed, worrisome mess. 6 00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:16,300 And I got no idea how you guys get by in life, and I try to mimic what you do, and I try to be good at sports, but I'm not good at sports, and I try to be social, but I'm not good at being social. 7 00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:23,800 And, you know, I was good at school, I was good at school, and I was good at getting people to like me. Those were my two assets growing up. 8 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:34,300 And I didn't know the second one, but I knew the first one, school was my jam. So I discovered alcohol in middle school, I didn't really get drunk in middle school, but I discovered alcohol in middle school. 9 00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:48,800 I always wanted to be cool, that was my thing. And I was anything but cool. My brother, he was cool. That's what I wanted to be. And middle school, I discovered that if you brought an airline bottle of alcohol to school, it made you cool. 10 00:01:48,800 --> 00:02:02,300 At least that's how I felt. And I liked that feeling. In high school, I discovered the facts of alcohol, because I actually drank the alcohol, and that little airline bottle passing around between me and my friends didn't get us really drunk. 11 00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:15,800 But in high school, I started getting drunk. And it was the Bartles and James wine cooler era, and we were at Strawberry Hills Boone Farm in Mad Dog 2020. 12 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:24,800 And I drank that till my friends started saying, "Hey, dude, that ain't how a man drinks. Drink beer, tequila, and whiskey." 13 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:34,800 And it took me a little bit to get customs to the taste of beer and tequila and whiskey, but I acclimated to that taste pretty quickly, and that's how I started rolling. 14 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:48,800 And I remember those early days with the wine coolers, I'd go out with my friend. We'd go out to where they're building a lot of housing, and we'd go out to one of those vacant lots they were building, and we'd drink those wine coolers down, and I'd throw up, and then we'd go to school. 15 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:58,800 And I didn't see anything wrong with that, except my brother, he was cool. He was also a troublemaker, got in trouble with the law, got in trouble with school, you know, didn't butt-head with my mom. 16 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:05,300 And after fighting with him, my mom made it pretty easy on me. She's here visiting right now, by the way, my mom. 17 00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:13,800 Anyway, she made it pretty easy on me. I was like, "Get good grades, be polite, stay out of my way." I did those things, and I was pretty much left to my own devices. 18 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:22,800 The important thing was, because I was good at school, was that I go to college, which ain't no big deal for me, because college is school, school is easy. 19 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:29,800 I like doing things that are very easy, that I get maximum reward from, and for me, that's college. 20 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:45,800 So I go, and you all know, you heard before, I don't want the regular 9-to-5 housewife, kids, picket fence, none of that stuff. I want to be an artist. And I don't know how to be an artist, but I want to be an artist. 21 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:52,800 Now, what I think you do for an artist is you drink a lot. You drink a lot, and you hang out with your friends, and you tend to do artsy things. 22 00:03:52,800 --> 00:04:01,800 I started doing that in college, and we hung out, we drank, and I'm like, "Tracy, I did drugs, because drugs are awesome, and they were often free." 23 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:10,800 Like Tracy, I had my - thank you for your share, by the way, Tracy, I didn't relate to quite a bit of it - I had my mantra to prove I wasn't drunk. 24 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:19,800 It was just the fundamental theorem of calculus, because I'm a snob. So that was my proof, because I can do this. Look at me, y'all. 25 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:33,800 It isn't very sophisticated to recite the fundamental theorem of calculus when you're puking on people, and being obnoxious and stuff like that, but hey, it didn't stop me, because that's the kind of class act I am. 26 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:42,800 And what can I say, man, I loved it until I started having a few issues. My issues are kind of in the puking range, where I like to throw up a lot. 27 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:49,800 I mean, I don't like to throw up, I just did. I drank a lot, I threw up, and then I would drink more. And I didn't see anything wrong with that. 28 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:56,800 And I like to run my mouth, as y'all know, but y'all think I ain't got no filter now, put some tequila in me, and I ain't got no filter. 29 00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:07,800 But I run my mouth, I got nothing to back it up. And most of the time, be honest, I kind of talk my way out of it, because I'm little, I'm non-threatening, I'm adorable, and I'm willing to buy you a drink. 30 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:15,800 But you know, occasionally, I clean up my mouth, because that's the way it goes. And I'm just a perv. 31 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:22,800 So put those things together with alcohol, and you embarrass yourself from time to time. But I love the way it made me feel, so I didn't want to stop. 32 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:34,800 But somewhere in my 20s, I started realizing that, hey, maybe I don't gotta drink so much all the time. Maybe I could do some of that controlled drinking. 33 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:47,800 Now I never heard the phrase controlled drinking. I didn't know what that was. But I knew I wanted more control over how I acted with the same effect that alcohol produced. 34 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:56,800 And so I tried that. I went out to my friends, and we went out to dinner, and I had a beer, and then I ate my dinner, and then I chased my dinner with a beer, and I stopped. 35 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:05,800 And the problem with a guy like me is I got that phenomenon of craving. I recognized that phrase right away when I first heard it, phenomenon of craving. 36 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:16,800 I knew what that meant. I just crave more. And it's not like I can't, like I'm not howling at the moon, being a werewolf about it or whatever. 37 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:23,800 But I want it real bad, and I get real irritable when I don't get it. And when I get real irritable when I don't get it, I take it out on you. 38 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:29,800 I try to make you feel bad, and I try to upset everybody else's good time so I can make it about me. 39 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:39,800 And so somebody eventually gets mad at me enough that I get mad at them, so I'm entitled to take a drink because that's what I need to shut my brain off. 40 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:45,800 Because once I get started, my brain launches into overdrive if you stop the intake. 41 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:53,800 So I'm restless, irritable, discontented, neurotic, self-obsessed, self-centered, on a dry, good day. 42 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,800 You put alcohol on me and then say, "Dude, no more for you." 43 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:03,800 All that stuff's ramped up to ten, and I am an unbearable human being to be around. 44 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:10,800 And you know, I'm in my twenties, I'm kind of going nowhere, and I realize problem's Texas. 45 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:18,800 I can't handle it due to my sophistication. Me and my friends, we all decided to migrate to the great state of California. 46 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:27,800 And we figured, or at least I figured, you know, you guys was going to welcome me with open arms and bring out the banners and blow the horns and do all that. 47 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:32,800 And you didn't, because y'all didn't need just another idiot from Texas coming into California. 48 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:39,800 So it wasn't like that. And unlike Texas, California's expensive, so for the first time I had a nine-to-five job. 49 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:43,800 It was Teacher's Day. And I didn't like it. And I didn't like it because I didn't like the job. 50 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:51,800 I liked the job, but I didn't like it interfering with my lifestyle, because I was still drinking and I was still drinking heavy, but I had to get up at 6.30 in the morning. 51 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:58,800 And I'm used to drinking until 6.30 in the morning, not getting up at 6.30 in the morning to go drive kids around. 52 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:03,800 So I chased that lifestyle as hard as I could, as best I could, and tried to keep that job. 53 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:10,800 And the two were in conflict. And when I got here, I mean, really, if you looked at it, I mean, my life was good. 54 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:18,800 I had a girlfriend. She was intelligent, beautiful, sophisticated. I had friends that I brought back from Texas. 55 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:27,800 I was friends. I was making the Los Angeles. I was playing in a band. We were having a good time, paying my bills, and it should be fine. 56 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:36,800 But that ain't how my brain works. My brain had always figured out that, or always assumed that given the right combination of things, right, 57 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:46,800 you take this piece over here and you put it with this piece and then you jam this piece here and get everything arranged, then I won't drink the way I do. 58 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:52,800 I won't behave the way I do. I want to embarrass myself that I'll settle down. 59 00:08:52,800 --> 00:09:01,800 And really, when I got to California, I had all that stuff, as any reasonable person could expect, just wasn't enough for me. 60 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:07,800 And I realized the only thing that brought me peace and happiness was drinking. 61 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:13,800 And so that's what I did. The next few years, I started, I started drinking and started spiraling. 62 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:23,800 And I had gotten to a point where my drinking become unpredictable and I like routine and I like predictability, even with my alcoholism. 63 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:29,800 I like that predictability of routine. Now, at some point in time, I am going to get unpredictable. 64 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:35,800 I'm going to get out of control. But it was always at the same time everybody was kind of out of control. 65 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:42,800 It was three, four o'clock in the morning and the only people still drinking, the only people still acting up, everybody was kind of out of control. 66 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:50,800 And what was happening was, you know, drinking is expensive when you go to the bars, but I like going to the bar. So, you know, you fuel up before you go. 67 00:09:50,800 --> 00:10:01,800 But I was getting too drunk to manage myself enough to get through the evening without embarrassing myself or, or embarrassing the people who are with me. 68 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:09,800 And I was just unwelcome in public. And my girlfriend was a normie. And if you drink, don't date a normie. 69 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:15,800 They are awful people around when you are just ruin everything. 70 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:23,800 They refuse to get drunk and they look at you with those warm, pathetic little eyes and they remember everything you do. 71 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,800 And but I made that mistake. That's kind of girlfriend I had. 72 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:38,800 And, you know, she was a social butterfly and she wanted to be out and she and in her own sick, demented way, she was proud of me and she wanted to show me off in her way. 73 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:46,800 But I couldn't manage. I was either drunk and belligerent or I was sober and unbearable. 74 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:56,800 And, you know, for three years, we kind of did a dance. And at some point in time, I did my second, like try to control my drinking, which was like, I can't just drink a couple of drinks. 75 00:10:56,800 --> 00:11:04,800 I figured that out. I knew the phenomenon of craving. I had the words for it, but I knew that feeling and I knew I had it and I knew once I started, I ain't stopping. 76 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:11,800 But I figured, you know what, man, I got a day job. I'm working like, dude, just drink on the weekends, man. 77 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:18,800 Friday, maybe Saturday, go out, get plastered, but just doodle be low key. 78 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:22,800 And I did it. I went out a Friday night and I had a blast. I had the greatest time. 79 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:27,800 It was awesome. Stars align, magical drinking evening. I love those. 80 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:33,800 Next weekend, I did Friday and Saturday and, you know, I was a little bit more embarrassing, a little bit more clumsy. 81 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:39,800 Then the next week came around like, hey, Wednesday, you know what? It's been a couple of weeks since I drink during the week. 82 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:44,800 I'm giving a test tomorrow. No big deal. I don't really have to pay attention. I can get lit today. 83 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:52,800 And before I knew it, doing the same thing. And my girlfriend, she lived with a with a guy in AA. 84 00:11:52,800 --> 00:12:00,800 He'd been sober for a few years and he came and talked to me and he shared his stories and he told me the things he did and the decisions he made. 85 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:05,800 And I identified with all this dude was like he he auditioned for Saturday Night Live 86 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:12,800 and went back to his hotel to get high by himself instead of going to the after party with everybody else and blew his shot with Saturday Night Live. 87 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:17,800 You know, and I and I really that made sense to me. I see that's how you do life. 88 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:20,800 And, you know, he shared his stories with me. And, you know, I appreciate it. 89 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:27,800 And I related, but at one more I got when I did for twenty one days and twenty one days I was I was a sober, 90 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:31,800 stark raving lunatic, so unbearable. 91 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:38,800 My girlfriend at the time was like, hey, dude, why don't you drink? Because I was more bearable drinking than I was sober. 92 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:44,800 And so I did. And I went for a little while longer. I don't know how much longer, but I went for a little while longer. 93 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:50,800 And what happened was Sunday we were barbecuing my buddy, Joe, who I adore. 94 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:56,800 He he was off on Mondays. I worked on Mondays, but he was off on and I had plenty of sick time because I saved my sick days. 95 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:01,800 I'd show up to work, hungover because I was good and I was going to take off Monday. 96 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:04,800 We're going to go fishing. We were talking about doing this fishing trip. We were going to go do that. 97 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:09,800 And what that gives me is permission on Sunday to drink exactly the way I want to drink. 98 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:17,800 And so I did. I proceeded to drink exactly the way I wanted to drink, but I did not proceed to get as drunk as I wanted to get drunk. 99 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:22,800 I got drunk, but my brain was just busy and active and I'm uncomfortable. 100 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,800 So when I'm uncomfortable, I want to make you uncomfortable. 101 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:31,800 So I'm doing really stupid things like I'm threatening to jump off a one story balcony. 102 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,800 And, you know, I'm trying to break bottles on the walls. 103 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:38,800 You know, my girlfriend walks out and leaves because she don't want to be a part of that. 104 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:44,800 And who could blame her? And my roommate comes in and he sees what I'm doing and the state address I was in. 105 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,800 And he walked out because that was the wise decision to make. 106 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:53,800 And I eventually passed out and I woke up the next day late because I was too hungover and drunk the night before I go fishing. 107 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:59,800 So I sat down on the couch and my buddy was like, "Dude, you scared me last night." 108 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,800 And this was the guy who, like, if I throw a beer on somebody, he smooths it over. 109 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:10,800 If I get in trouble, he smooths it over like he's cleaned up more than my share of messes and more than his share of messes. 110 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:14,800 And he was like, "Dude, you were scary." And I'm like, "Yeah, Joe, I'm going to move back to Texas." 111 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,800 And then he walks away from me in disgust. 112 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,800 But I didn't tell him my full thought. And my full thought is I'm going to go back to Texas. 113 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:24,800 I'm going to drink myself to death because California is way too expensive to drink myself to death. 114 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,800 Why not go to Texas where I could do it with some frugality? 115 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:34,800 But there's something in me. I think I just want that girlfriend back, you know, no validation. 116 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:38,800 So I knew I had that AA card to play, so I played it. 117 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:42,800 I'm like, "I'm going to go to AA." And she was like, "Cool, call central office." 118 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:47,800 And my MO is, "I'll do it tomorrow." And I did it. I called them that day. 119 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,800 And they told me about a meeting. And they said it was a mixed meeting. 120 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:56,800 And they said it was starting at 7 o'clock. And they told me to show up 15 minutes early, i.e. 645. 121 00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:01,800 And I did. I showed up at 645. And they lied to me. It was a men's meeting. 122 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:06,800 And the meeting didn't start until 730. And so a couple people said hi to me. And I said hi. 123 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:15,800 And then I realized it started at 730. And 45 minutes to deal with you people with two days of sobriety under my belt was too much. 124 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:21,800 So I took a lap around the block. And I sat for my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Yay me! 125 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:29,800 And people were talking about giving me business cards. And they were talking about sponsors and big books and all this cult stuff I wasn't interested in. 126 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:33,800 But it was a men's meeting. And we went and we all identified and had to say we were alcoholic. 127 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:38,800 I said I had two days. And I remember a dude who had four days. And I still remember that dude. 128 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:50,800 And other people it was years. If you said a year or 30 years, you were speaking that Charlie Brown wop wop music to me. 129 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:58,800 That adult life. It meant nothing to me after that. Everything from one year past that, you're speaking crazy talk. 130 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:04,800 But there was a dude there with four months. And I listened to that. I listened to that dude and I listened to that for four months. 131 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:12,800 Because four months sounded reasonable to me. I could do that. And so I was like shit especially because if you think you only got a few months or whatever and you don't got nothing to give. 132 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:18,800 Somebody new in the meeting, they don't care squat about 20 years of sobriety. They don't mean nothing to them. 133 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:26,800 But four months, that might mean something to them. Or two months or 60 days or whatever. Y'all mean a lot more to somebody new than somebody with a lot of time. 134 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:33,800 At least that's what it was for me. Anyway man, so I got a sponsor and he started telling me, because I was too afraid to deal with you guys without a sponsor. 135 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:39,800 And so again, I like routine. Tell me what to do. And he told me what to do. He told me to get a big book and call him every single day. 136 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:48,800 Reads 90/90 and get commitments and go to meetings early and drive Alex around. Drive Lewis around and do this and do that. Blah blah blah blah. 137 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:55,800 And I'm like dude, what an order man. But I committed to doing it for 30 days. I'm like I'll do it for 30 days to see what happens. 138 00:16:55,800 --> 00:17:03,800 And after 30 days, what happened was I realized you guys weren't just like, I had this thing about AA, this conception. 139 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:10,800 You guys weren't like me who got sober. You were dropped off from the planet Alcoholics Anonymous. 140 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:16,800 And you were put on this earth to annoy people who enjoy drinking and having a good time. 141 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:27,800 That's just what I thought. And you know, I realized like you guys are bar people and I'm a bar person. I could sit at a bar store and I could turn in either direction. 142 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:32,800 And I can have a conversation with anybody. I could do that at a bar and I could do that at AA. 143 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:40,800 And I like that. And that gave me my first hope. Pinhole. Small. That gave me my first hopeful moment I'd had in a very long time. 144 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:49,800 So I decided, alright, I get this. Again, I'm a fundamental theorem of calculus kind of guy. Alcoholics Anonymous is not going to work for a guy of my sophistication. 145 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:56,800 But I'm also neurotic. I know I'm neurotic. And I don't want to be agitated by my own neurosis so I figured I'll do all the things you tell me to do. 146 00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:05,800 I'll do them the best I can. And when they don't work for me, I can walk out the door skipping and dancing because I don't need to hear my voice and I can go do what I want. 147 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:11,800 And so I did. I started doing all the things you asked me to do. And I did them to the best of my ability. 148 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:19,800 And I figured out Alcoholics Anonymous don't care about motivation or what your motives are so long as you do them sincerely. And I did. 149 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:25,800 And I started doing the commitments. I started doing the AA stuff and all that. That was fine. But it also got me into the steps. 150 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:35,800 And, you know, man, the steps is where I started finding a solution to my problem, which really isn't alcohol. It's a symptom. My problem's with me. I didn't know that, but that's my problem. 151 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:39,800 So the first step, you know, powerless over alcohol. My life had become unmanageable. That was easy for me. 152 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:48,800 I drink until there's no more drink to be drunk. And my solution to life is drink myself to death in Texas. 153 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:56,800 That is unmanageable. And I came to believe in a power greater than myself. There was no such thing in my universe. 154 00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:06,800 I was the power greater than myself and greater than you and greater than everybody else. That concept I found very difficult to get a hold of. 155 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:14,800 But eventually somebody broke it down to me, or at least got me to the understanding that despite my ego and attitude, I had a higher power. 156 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:25,800 And that's alcohol, because alcohol always told me what to do, when to do it, how to do it. And I made no decisions anymore once alcohol took the wheel. 157 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:34,800 So all I need is something bigger than that. And at that point in time, I believed AA and sponsorship and commitments and big books. 158 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:42,800 Like I believed that worked for you. And I believed that that could work for me. And that became my higher power for a very long time. 159 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:57,800 And I had to turn my will, my power over to that higher power. Well, I was already pretty much doing what you guys asked me to do with the commitments and go here and do this and pick up Alex and Woodland Hills from North Hollywood and take them to a meeting in Van Nuys. 160 00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:03,800 Actually, I was doing that kind of stuff. So okay, I guess I'm turning my will and my life over to care God as I understood them. 161 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:20,800 Or I did my inventory, which was fine, I can kind of write on paper, the nasty things and all my stuff, I could do that my higher power, whatever that is, knows all that stuff, sharing it with another human being I was not that into, but I did it. 162 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:34,800 I tried to keep some things to myself and they didn't work. So then I shared everything with them. And that was better than I had. And I keep for me, it wasn't about like keeping like that, that secret that you want to take to your grave about that for me, it was something I was reading on my list. 163 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:47,800 And I just skipped over because I thought it wasn't worth mentioning. And I had to share that. And got my relief for step five. And as Jason used to say, I earned my seat in Alcoholics Anonymous because once you do your step five, it's kind of a big deal. 164 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:58,800 And then I was like, okay, side relief, sweet man, step five, but then six and seven came around. And I'm reading that character defects, turn it over, blah, blah, I don't kind of really do anything. 165 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:11,800 And that one's been kind of my Achilles heel since alcoholics since I've gotten here, because I'm aware that my character defects, like I by the time in my sobriety now I'm my relationship with my higher power is very different. 166 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:25,800 And I'm aware that without my higher power, I get drunk. I know this, I know this to be true, whatever my higher power is without it, I will get drunk. I just believe that I know my character defects get in the way of my connection to that higher power. 167 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:34,800 And I just love my character defects. And sometimes they get in the way of my higher power, the longer I stay sober, the less I can allow that because just makes me more and more uncomfortable. 168 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:44,800 And I don't like it. Rogue gets narrow, that's a true statement. So giving up those character defects, man, that was all that's been a challenge. Eight, nine, like amends cool, I can make a list. 169 00:21:44,800 --> 00:22:01,800 Nine by that time I did my my fifth step. So I'm like, here, sponsor, here's my list of amends. And then he just told me what to do, making these amends in person, make this amends living this, your neurotic and self obsessed, it wasn't even your issue. 170 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:16,800 Let it go and broke it down for me very simple. And then 10 I started, I'd started praying way before I got to 10. Not because I wanted to, but because I had said I do all the things that AA had told me I would do, told me to do because it wasn't going to work for me. 171 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:30,800 One of the things my sponsor told me to do was pray. I thought it was stupid. I did it because I had already made this deal. And prayer gives me relief. I don't know why. I don't know how. I just know it does. So I keep doing it. 172 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:42,800 I meditate here and there off and on. I do some of that stuff too. So, um, and what was it? Oh, inventory taken yours first, mine second. That's just the order things for me. 173 00:22:42,800 --> 00:23:07,800 Um, and 12, you know, I'm a, I'm a service talk, Alex anonymous. I, uh, I, uh, I did my steps. I've had spiritual awakening. So, so what's my higher power? And then, and then, and then the hard part, you know, if you read step 12, it's real short on spiritual experience. It's a little bit longer on, uh, you know, giving back to AA and it's real invested in, you know, practice these principles and all of my affairs. 174 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:19,800 And, and that's, that's, that's the nitty gritty because I've alcohol. It got me hiding from life my entire life, and I don't want to hide an alcoholics anonymous. 175 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:30,800 So really most of my life is outside of AA now because of the foundation you guys gave me and, you know, taught me how to be a decent human being. 176 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:42,800 So, you know, I started as a teacher's assistant when, uh, when I got sober, I think I was still a teacher's assistant. And, uh, at some point in time, my boss was like, dude, you, you got to make a decision, man. 177 00:23:42,800 --> 00:24:00,800 You're on an emergency credential. Like you can't go on like this. And in sobriety, I got my teaching credential, uh, became a fully credentialed teacher, uh, taught in a non-public school for 11 years. Knucklehead kids, um, very difficult job. Did that for a long time. 178 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:13,800 Was assistant principal of that place, um, left and worked in Las Virgenus for eight years where I was a special education teacher with my buddy, Steve. And we had a blast and, uh, met my wife in AA. 179 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:30,800 Went to work, met the good wife though in AA. So I met my wife in AA and got married. And, uh, she eventually got a, uh, a job opportunity in San Diego and she had, she, she's a hard worker. 180 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:49,800 She got her admin credential. She's a teacher and it brought us here to San Diego. And, uh, that's where I'm at now. And I, it's hard to, it's hard to leave. Like I was 15 years sober when I left. And it's hard to believe that it's like, yeah, 15 years has been honestly, it's been almost five years, um, since I left. 181 00:24:49,800 --> 00:25:00,800 And for that 15 years, you guys were my sobriety. That's all I knew. I didn't know other ways I'd been to other meetings, but I didn't really go to other meetings, but I, um, I got to San Diego on a Tuesday. 182 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:09,800 I went to my first meeting on a Wednesday because I was used to going to meetings on Wednesday and I knew I'd better do it right away. And I met a dude there and he like, dude, here's a meeting here. 183 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:19,800 Cause you, cause you guys taught me how to do it. Cause in San Diego, they do this thing where it's like, Hey, is there anybody from out of town? And I was like, yeah, I'm from Los Angeles. And, and I just moved to San Diego and this dude was like, Hey man, this meeting's great. 184 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:35,800 And this meeting's great. And you should go to this meeting. And so dude was like, Hey, there's this meeting, there's this meeting. And they got me connected to AA. And I, and I, one of the things the guy introduced me to was a Sunday, a men's meeting that I go to almost every week. 185 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:48,800 I'm probably going after this cause my mom's in town. So I probably spend Sunday with my mom, but almost every week. And I've been the secretary of that meeting and I've made coffee for them. And on the, on the, they call it the phone list person. 186 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:57,800 And just because you guys taught me how to, you know, I don't say no to AA requests. So they asked me to do things and I do it. And I go to that meeting regularly and I'm of service. 187 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:07,800 And I go to a Tuesday meeting, which is a, just a black print meeting, which my wife that's was her home group and thought I was just going to kind of go there to support her. 188 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:20,800 And she went a couple times and really interfered with her work. And I started going regularly and got commitments there and it's set up. And I did their phone list and you know, I'm connected to those meetings. 189 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:30,800 And then I go to my Wednesday virtual coif meeting where I see all my people that's given me a good, a good life and foundation. 190 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:41,800 And where I'm at today is a, you know, I'm at my second position for, for teaching first place I got, got to a place where it was no longer tolerable for me. 191 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:53,800 And I'd left, but because of all the things you taught me, guys taught me how to do. One of the assistant principals I had, he became principal at a new place and I contacted him and I'm like, Hey dude, you got a position? 192 00:26:53,800 --> 00:27:05,800 And he's like, dude, I got you now. And he got me an interview and hired me. And and now I'm really enjoying teaching. I hated teaching. I hated it going back after COVID and loved it during COVID. 193 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:12,800 That was awesome. But hated it after the COVID and didn't like what my district was doing and I let them know I didn't like it. 194 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:20,800 And, you know, it was just a brutal year last year. And, you know, I got this new job and they like me, I'm enjoying it and it's a really good place. 195 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:31,800 And now I got my, got my mom in town and you guys, you know, when I got to AA, my mom and I weren't speaking and we didn't talk. 196 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:38,800 And you guys taught me how to make amends to her and you guys taught me how to forgive her and you guys taught me how to be of service. 197 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:46,800 And I am. And she can drive me crazy. And her dog, who is now cohabitating with us as well, can drive me crazy. 198 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:51,800 But she's going to be here for two months and I'm OK with that because she's retired. 199 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:57,800 And, you know, she lives with my brother. And for those of you who met my brother know how challenging that can be. 200 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:10,800 So she's spending her up her winter with me. And I know that all I got to do is be of service, act as if and call my sponsor friends here and call my friends in in San Diego. 201 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:13,800 It's taken me a while to get close to a couple of guys here in San Diego. 202 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:22,800 But I had the first dude I kind of got close with. He during Covid he hash tag them like many do travel where we still talk to at least once a month, once or a couple of months. 203 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:28,800 And he's got married. He's living Singapore. And I'm looking forward to seeing him again when he gets into town. 204 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:35,800 He's a Texas Woodlow. And, you know, man, I know I got three minutes left, but I'm pretty much just scrounging for time. 205 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:42,800 So I'm going to stop yammering. And thank you, Bennett, for allowing me to to be of service. 206 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:48,800 And thanks, Greg, for your multi year of sponsorship and everything you do for me. 207 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:54,800 And, Bruce, thanks for staying awake, man. I totally appreciate that, bro. And all life is all. 208 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:56,800 Thank you, guys. You share.