1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,720 - Good evening, my name is Peggy and I am an alcoholic 2 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:06,300 and I am so honored and I feel privileged to be here 3 00:00:06,300 --> 00:00:08,840 to share my experience, strength and hope with you. 4 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:11,880 I was so delighted to get a text from Ben 5 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:15,160 asking me to do this because brand new sober, 6 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:18,800 I would come to these meetings of quality of life 7 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:22,400 because you guys got the greatest speakers 8 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:25,560 on Saturday nights and I would sit there and go, wow, 9 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:27,700 and here I am, what a trip, you know? 10 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,600 And so thank you Ben, thank you so much 11 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:34,040 for considering me to be your Saturday night speaker. 12 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:37,040 And wouldn't you know, my two guests 13 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:41,380 stem from being part of the quality of life family, 14 00:00:41,380 --> 00:00:46,380 never fully being a quality of life member 15 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,220 but on the fringes always have I been 16 00:00:49,220 --> 00:00:51,440 and I've always loved each and every one of you, 17 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:52,480 so thank you. 18 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:56,520 And I go to a meeting in this very same room 19 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,240 on Sunday mornings and I want to thank you guys 20 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,560 for cleaning up so nicely for us the next day. 21 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:07,560 So I have a sponsor, she's 21 years sober, 22 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:11,760 I have two home groups 'cause one's never enough for me 23 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:16,360 and one is 7 a.m. Valley Club on Saturdays 24 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:19,040 and the other one is here tomorrow, 25 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:21,440 my little book study, Big Bang book study. 26 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,880 And I was finally separated from alcohol 27 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:31,880 by the grace of God on August 8th, 2012 at 58 years old. 28 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:37,200 I mean, you know, it took a lot to get to hear you guys. 29 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,400 So I'd like to welcome you people 30 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,540 that are sitting back there that had the courage 31 00:01:43,540 --> 00:01:46,520 to identify as somebody new to this program, 32 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,660 try to keep an open mind. 33 00:01:48,660 --> 00:01:51,840 You know, this is absolutely a godsend, 34 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:55,720 it's absolutely amazing to me to be here. 35 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:59,080 Since I started, oh, so I lived in a sober living 36 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:02,000 in August, September, October for a year 37 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:05,960 and at about 30 days, 40 days sober or so, 38 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,800 you know, our thing was the girls would climb in my car 39 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,460 'cause I'm the only one that had a car, 40 00:02:11,460 --> 00:02:14,880 it was my home before I got there, I lived in it. 41 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:19,620 And we would blast metal, smoke cigarettes 42 00:02:19,620 --> 00:02:22,400 and look for meetings, it was a big deal. 43 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,400 And we landed at the Sunday night 44 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,000 beginners meeting of Quad, you know, 45 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,440 and that's how this journey began 46 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,920 and how I got to know so many of you, thank you. 47 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:37,480 And so since then, I've become a grandmother, 48 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:41,040 I have three grandkids and they call me Spicy G, 49 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:41,880 I don't know why. 50 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:49,780 And I have lived in the same residence longer 51 00:02:49,780 --> 00:02:53,360 than any place I've ever lived in in my adult life. 52 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:58,240 I have kept the same job longer than I've had any time 53 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:02,200 in my adult life and I get to be in the helping industry. 54 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,560 I get to work with people that have major, minor, 55 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,240 moderate mental health difficulties. 56 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:12,080 I am a therapist, I can say that out loud. 57 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:16,760 It took a long time for me to even be able to say it 58 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:18,300 'cause I couldn't believe it. 59 00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:22,820 So I got to sleep in a bed last night, you know, 60 00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:25,840 with a roof over my head, not my car, 61 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,240 not a chaise lounge in someone's backyard. 62 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:29,560 Every day when I wake up, 63 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:31,920 I'm amazed that that got to happen again. 64 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,880 So much so that I will make that bed 65 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:39,000 and I will kneel beside it because I know that part mostly, 66 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,920 it's that grace that was allowed me, 67 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,120 that this can happen. 68 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:46,800 So when I woke up this morning, I woke up from a dream 69 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,700 and I thought, why this dream on the day I'm going 70 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:54,000 to a breakfast with my sponsor and sponsee sisters, 71 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,320 why this dream when I'm going 72 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,840 to my 90 year old mom's house, you know, 73 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:01,200 to help her because she's starting to establish things 74 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,400 before she passes. 75 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,500 Why this dream before I come to speak before you? 76 00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:07,620 I prayed on it, I thought about it 77 00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:09,280 and I'm sharing it with you tonight. 78 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,320 So my dream is vivid and it's in color. 79 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,840 I can tell you why as I proceed. 80 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:18,080 So in this dream, I had a commitment. 81 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,020 It was with a 12 step program. 82 00:04:20,020 --> 00:04:22,680 It's not clear exactly what, but I was in charge 83 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,540 of something and there were a lot of people 84 00:04:24,540 --> 00:04:27,120 in this big conference room walking around, 85 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,260 including my roommate, Todd and his partner. 86 00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:34,840 And I walked outside to the patio and sat in front 87 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:38,280 of these two guys and with impunity, 88 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:42,400 meaning my mind did not expect any kind of punishment. 89 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,020 I proceeded to drink an icy cold one. 90 00:04:45,020 --> 00:04:48,080 It was a green bottle, a green long neck 91 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:52,720 and it was icy cold and it tasted so good. 92 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,480 It was very, very, very vivid, this dream. 93 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,280 And I proceeded to have a second one. 94 00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:00,940 Got up because I knew, oh, that's a bracelet. 95 00:05:00,940 --> 00:05:02,940 Well, you know, old school watch. 96 00:05:02,940 --> 00:05:05,560 I knew that I had something to do in there. 97 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,600 And wouldn't you know, the first two people I run 98 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,280 into are Todd and Joey. 99 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:12,520 And I say to them, I just had a couple of beers. 100 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:16,560 They say to me, guess you'll have to start over again, Peggy. 101 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:21,560 Now this is where the unraveling of my mind begins 102 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:26,440 and where it goes away from that first step, 103 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,920 the underlying principle of honesty. 104 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,280 My thought is, why did I even tell them in my dream? 105 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,560 I'm thinking these things, honesty. 106 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:37,640 I shouldn't have told these guys because I could have 107 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,740 continued and nobody would have ever known. 108 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:44,280 Unraveling this first step of admitting that I'm powerless 109 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:48,040 in my life has become unmanageable with everything 110 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,880 and no reservations. 111 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:53,400 And that layer of honesty underneath that step has fizzled 112 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,560 because already I'm thinking, why did I even tell them? 113 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,100 And then I'm starting to get a little bit irritable. 114 00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:03,840 I'm irritable, I'm discontent because the insanity 115 00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:06,560 has set forth in motion in my head. 116 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,100 I want another one, but I have a commitment. 117 00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:12,300 In my dream, I'm thinking I still have to go up there 118 00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:17,040 and do whatever it was that this group has depended on me 119 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:17,880 to do. 120 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:21,040 I don't want to, I don't want that responsibility. 121 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:22,940 I don't want to have to do this. 122 00:06:22,940 --> 00:06:25,080 It's calling me, it's calling me. 123 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,000 The insanity begins. 124 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,040 Where's God in this in step three? 125 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:29,880 Where is he? 126 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,560 I failed to think of him. 127 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:35,440 So you know, if we work really hard at our steps, 128 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:38,160 certain point, we're gonna know a new freedom 129 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,560 and a new happiness. 130 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,120 It tells us that in the big book. 131 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:42,720 It's part of our promises. 132 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:45,780 Two beers and I'm becoming self-seeking. 133 00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,600 That's supposed to slip away. 134 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,360 It's a promise to us. 135 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,960 That part of our personality, that part of who we have 136 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:56,720 become as a result of doing these steps has seeped back 137 00:06:56,720 --> 00:07:00,040 into me 'cause I don't care about you guys anymore 138 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,900 and this thing that I committed to do 139 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:04,720 and this fundraising that we were doing 140 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:07,600 for a program related situation. 141 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,720 This dream probably lasted five minutes or something 142 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,000 but it stayed with me all day. 143 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,480 And here it is tonight. 144 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:15,400 It's significant. 145 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,080 I've had drinking using dreams in the past 146 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:21,100 in these past 11 and a half, 11 almost a half years. 147 00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:25,120 But every single time I would wake up prior to smoking, 148 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:29,440 lighting, drinking, whatever my thing was, 149 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:30,320 I would always wake up. 150 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:34,100 But this time the dream allowed me to go through 151 00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:37,320 and taste it, savor it, and then live through 152 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:40,960 the consequences of what went on in my head afterwards. 153 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,840 Alcohol is a cunning and baffling thing. 154 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:48,080 And it's just like, how do we do this? 155 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:50,160 We work so hard. 156 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:51,280 And Joey's telling me, 157 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,720 oh, you're gonna have to start over again, Peggy. 158 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,000 What does that mean? 159 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,760 I don't wanna hear anything about starting over 160 00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,240 'cause I'm not done yet now. 161 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:00,120 I'm not done yet. 162 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:01,660 And for a person like me, 163 00:08:01,660 --> 00:08:03,820 might as well start digging the grave. 164 00:08:03,820 --> 00:08:04,920 Might as well. 165 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,120 Might as well start digging the grave, you know? 166 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:11,600 'Cause places, the places I've been, 167 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,840 the people I surrounded myself with, 168 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:18,640 the level that it took me at 58 when I got here, 169 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,160 I don't wanna see that again. 170 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,120 This is just a dream, but it was in Technicolor. 171 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,580 And it was something that is significant 172 00:08:25,580 --> 00:08:29,320 because it made me realize just how important 173 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:31,700 the spiritual principles of this program are 174 00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:36,700 and how easily they can unravel with just two beers. 175 00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:40,480 Before sobriety, I lived in Riverside 176 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:44,740 and I had a family there. 177 00:08:44,740 --> 00:08:47,120 I was married to a lawyer. 178 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,280 He's now a Superior Court judge. 179 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,380 And we have three beautiful daughters together. 180 00:08:51,380 --> 00:08:53,000 They're living a beautiful life. 181 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,840 I could not wait for adult time 182 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,720 where it gave me the green card 183 00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:01,680 to go and drink with impunity, I thought, you know? 184 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,160 I was such an embarrassment. 185 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,780 But when that split up because he told me, 186 00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:07,360 "I never trusted you, Peggy. 187 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:08,840 "You're just like my dad," 188 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,280 who had died a couple of years later 189 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:14,280 of direct consequences from drinking. 190 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,680 I can say, "Oh, it's him that spurred me 191 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,840 "into this endless cycle." 192 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:22,560 I can easily tell you guys it's 'cause of him. 193 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:23,400 No, it's not. 194 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,240 It's my life. 195 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,120 I'm an alcoholic. 196 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:29,000 I cannot control and enjoy my drinking. 197 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,680 I can't, you know? 198 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:33,320 And so what happens is that, I mean, 199 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:36,280 it leads me to things that I say I would never do, 200 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:37,920 stuff I was never gonna do 201 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,560 and consequences that are damaging 202 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,080 to the people I love the most, 203 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,480 the parents of my grandkids, my mom, 204 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,600 my 90-year-old mom out there in Northridge, 205 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,040 my siblings, my husbands, and myself. 206 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,720 I cannot drink with impunity. 207 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,640 People who are not alcoholics get to, you know? 208 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:57,200 They might have a hangover or something like that, 209 00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,000 but with us, our thinking unravels 210 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:04,600 and we become so dependent on that drink 211 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:08,040 that we do become selfish and self-seeking. 212 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:11,060 We do become that person where the rest of these things 213 00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:14,720 that I'm telling you I love, spicy G, don't matter so much. 214 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,240 I can say I love you to my kids, 215 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,080 but it's empty because I can't show it, you know? 216 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,200 You guys are gonna need water. 217 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,240 Where's my props? 218 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,320 (laughing) 219 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:27,240 This, this, you know, this, this, this. 220 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,660 It's okay, I'm joking, I'm joking, dude. 221 00:10:29,660 --> 00:10:32,700 This, this, this, you know? 222 00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:35,880 That was really my love, but you couldn't tell me that. 223 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:37,680 You can tell an alcoholic. 224 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:41,400 You guys can always tell an alcoholic, as Eddie says, 225 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,280 but you can't tell 'em much, you know? 226 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,160 You can always tell an alcoholic, 227 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,500 but you can't tell 'em much. 228 00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:48,680 Oh, ha, Joyce! 229 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:50,440 (laughing) 230 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,760 You can always tell an alcoholic, you know? 231 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:54,720 But you can't tell 'em much, you know? 232 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,660 That's part of how all of our thinking is, all of us. 233 00:10:57,660 --> 00:11:01,400 Our lives, we become that tornado in people's lives. 234 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:06,400 Thrashing ends, just leaving a wreckage like no other, 235 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,720 because we cannot drink with impunity. 236 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:11,200 When we drink, stuff happens. 237 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,320 In the Texas that I can't use swear words. 238 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,200 (laughing) 239 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,420 Stuff happens, and it ain't pretty, people. 240 00:11:18,420 --> 00:11:22,500 So, so how is it that things change? 241 00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:24,800 I have a sponsor. 242 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:29,800 She's 21 years sober, and women that are sisters, 243 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,760 sponsey sisters, you know? 244 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,360 And we had a lovely little breakfast today. 245 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,800 And what did we do? 246 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,200 She gave us an assignment. 247 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,600 It was a writing assignment. 248 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,200 We're supposed to celebrate the holidays, 249 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,640 but we had a writing assignment. 250 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:46,640 It's cool, it was to think about the upcoming year 251 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,880 as a sober alcoholic, to write an intention 252 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:52,840 on what you would like to improve on, 253 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,360 or what you would like to see happen 254 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:55,600 in some area of your life, 255 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:58,680 and then write about how you're gonna go about doing that, 256 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,560 and share it with each other, you know? 257 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:03,120 And I still had that dream in my head, you know? 258 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,200 And I get over there, and I tell my sponsey sister, 259 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:06,440 they go, "Oh, that's a nightmare." 260 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:07,280 Is it, though? 261 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:09,120 Is it a nightmare, or is it something 262 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,300 that I get to share with you guys, 263 00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:15,440 how quickly we can succumb to the effects of alcohol? 264 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,200 I'm looking around the living room 265 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,360 at her house, at these beautiful women surrounding me. 266 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:21,560 One of them's birthdays today, 267 00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,560 she turned 49, natal birthday, years old. 268 00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:27,560 And she just got accepted into nursing school. 269 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,120 She's so excited, you know? 270 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:33,200 One of them, one, is also starting nursing school 271 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,040 at the beginning of the year. 272 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:39,560 Another one is happily married, loves her husband, 273 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,680 and just became a grandma seven months ago. 274 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,960 You know, I mean, I'm looking around the room, 275 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,280 and I'm looking at how their lives have changed, 276 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:47,800 because they're sober, 277 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,880 but not just 'cause they stopped drinking. 278 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,040 There's work involved, unfortunately. 279 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,120 How much work did it take for us to stay 280 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,480 in that state of mind? 281 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,680 How much lying did we tell ourselves 282 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,360 and to the people around us? 283 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:06,440 How much time did it take to do everything we did? 284 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:10,120 I used to sit in frickin' avocado trees for days. 285 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,400 That's my story. 286 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:14,040 And, you know, they had some nice branches 287 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:17,480 where you can kinda chill and watch the people below me. 288 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,240 I used to watch the neighbors across the street, 289 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:23,160 'cause I'd be up this day and the next day, 290 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:24,920 and sometimes the next. 291 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:28,280 And I'd see them right after the sun would get up, 292 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,360 walk out and pick up the newspaper 293 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:32,560 with a cup of coffee in their hand, 294 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,400 and walk back into their house. 295 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,720 And then I would see them a little bit later 296 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,160 get in their car and drive off. 297 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,760 Hours pass, and I'd see them come home, 298 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,480 and I'm like, "How do they do that? 299 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,480 "How does a person do that?" 300 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:47,640 My life became unmanageable, totally. 301 00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,560 Not like that, how do we do it? 302 00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:52,720 How do we become responsible human beings? 303 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,840 Somebody that has something to give back 304 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:57,720 to help a struggling newcomer, 305 00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,760 because that's our purpose, to stay sober 306 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,960 and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. 307 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,080 In this dream of mine, 308 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:08,080 some of the other underlying principles of our steps, 309 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,640 I can look at brotherly love out the door, 310 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,840 'cause I didn't care about you guys anymore. 311 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:13,680 I care about me. 312 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,440 I wanted to fulfill this thirst I had. 313 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,400 There's no place for brotherly love. 314 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,060 True brotherly love, like in this group here. 315 00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:23,280 When we're drinking, can't, can't. 316 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,280 And when I said, "Where's God in this?" 317 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,920 In this dream of mine, God didn't even come up. 318 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,440 Void from the equation, void. 319 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,600 I know He's there, I know it. 320 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:35,200 I just know it, because here we are. 321 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,720 This is miraculous, this ability for all of us 322 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,120 to come in and stay sober and sit in a meeting 323 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,320 on a Saturday night without drinking. 324 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:47,960 Miraculous is miracles given to us by the grace of God. 325 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,960 His grace, we don't deserve it. 326 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:54,580 He bestows that on us, and a relationship begins between us 327 00:14:54,580 --> 00:14:56,080 and that God of our understanding. 328 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,520 The deepening of that relationship has changed my life. 329 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:04,220 I am so effin' amazed at just how different things can be. 330 00:15:04,220 --> 00:15:08,800 One's perspective, how the world is viewed from me, 331 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,320 my perspective has completely changed. 332 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:16,480 My purpose in life has completely changed. 333 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:21,480 And intention, so if you did the math, 334 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,340 I'm like 69 and almost 69 and a half years old now. 335 00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:29,640 And so I still love metal, that part hasn't changed. 336 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,220 That part hasn't changed. 337 00:15:31,220 --> 00:15:34,640 But how I see the world and how I respond to it 338 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,520 has changed, you know? 339 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,040 It's just like, it just befuddles me. 340 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,960 It makes me kind of like I still don't get it. 341 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,800 I sometimes have to pinch myself, is this real? 342 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,600 But I actually have a master's degree 343 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,840 in counseling psychology, you know? 344 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:53,820 And my oldest daughter told me 11 years ago, 345 00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:56,120 she's going, "Mom, you effed that up. 346 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:59,180 "You blacklisted yourself in that area. 347 00:15:59,180 --> 00:16:01,760 "You'll never be able to do it. 348 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,040 "If you need a job to support your sober living, 349 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,820 "go get a job at Denny's or something. 350 00:16:05,820 --> 00:16:06,920 "That's what you deserve." 351 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,640 It's very painful what happens to our children. 352 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,920 You know, my kids have shared with me 353 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:15,960 just how damaging my behavior and how it affected them. 354 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,760 I can't do anything to change that, 355 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,680 but to change from within myself, you know? 356 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:24,000 So I work in a community mental health agency 357 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,220 and I thought, you know, God's always behind all this. 358 00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:27,240 Like, why not? 359 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:31,760 Why not see if the licensing board will consider me 360 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:33,320 to become a licensed therapist? 361 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:34,520 They said, "Okay." 362 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,960 They allowed me to become registered and that's what I do. 363 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,520 I get to take a lot of the principles 364 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,060 that I've learned here to my clients. 365 00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:44,680 It's amazing. 366 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:48,240 I don't ever say, we got traditions here, you know? 367 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,800 That I got this from AA, you know? 368 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:50,980 Oh, cheers. 369 00:16:50,980 --> 00:16:57,080 You know, but I can steer them to a meeting. 370 00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:00,760 I can tell them that this is something that is life-saving 371 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:01,880 for so many people. 372 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,320 One of these days, you know? 373 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:07,400 I mean like, you know, so I'm at this crossroads in my life. 374 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,680 I get to be in a position to make decisions. 375 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,280 I didn't have that 11 and a half years ago. 376 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:16,480 My decision is which trash can am I gonna open up 377 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:19,200 to see what recyclables you guys have for me, you know? 378 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,760 That kind of lifestyle, like that, you know? 379 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,360 Like my kids used to send their friends to find me. 380 00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,920 Like in the big book, they talk about a searching party 381 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,720 looking for this guy that's in a barn. 382 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,800 They sent searching parties out looking for me 383 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,080 to see if I was still alive. 384 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,880 They didn't even know if their old mom had kicked it or not. 385 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,080 How damaging to a child. 386 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,600 Not today, not today, guys. 387 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:43,080 On Black Friday, it was my youngest daughter's birthday. 388 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,120 I'm texting her, what do you want? 389 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,040 You have to get a present from mom, you know? 390 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,700 A mom present, but what do you want? 391 00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,440 It's Black Friday, I'm willing to go out there 392 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:51,400 and get you something. 393 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,280 Finally, she texts me back and she says, 394 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,720 I wanna spend time with you. 395 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,200 That's all I want from you, mom. 396 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,400 Will you come to Disneyland? 397 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,880 So on December 12th, I'm going to Disneyland. 398 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:03,720 It'll be her daughter, my granddaughter's first trip there. 399 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:06,320 Yes, I might come, like thank you. 400 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:12,200 You know, and that dream was so vivid and so real. 401 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,480 The way it messes up our head 402 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:19,320 and unravels all the work that we do 403 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:23,840 to become a responsible, upstanding person of the world. 404 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:27,440 Somebody that can take a look at my wrongdoings 405 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,040 and make amends to the people that I harm. 406 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,200 Two beers, I see cold beers. 407 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,600 And the effect was like the nightmare 408 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:38,460 that we all experience before we get here. 409 00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:42,100 I'm responsible as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 410 00:18:42,100 --> 00:18:46,360 When somebody asks me to participate, I'm going to do that. 411 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:48,800 It's part of what we do here 412 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,440 to share our experience, strength at home. 413 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:54,220 Maybe, maybe, maybe somebody hears something. 414 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,600 Maybe we make a difference in somebody's life. 415 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,020 One person's life. 416 00:18:58,020 --> 00:19:01,280 When we do this, when we extend our hand, I'm responsible. 417 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:05,040 I used to hate that word, responsibility. 418 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,600 Ooh, did that grind on me. 419 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,320 Accountability, hated those words. 420 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:10,440 It got in the way. 421 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:13,680 What that meant was in the way of my lifestyle, 422 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:15,360 selfish and self-seeking. 423 00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:18,220 But if we keep working on this, that slips away, people. 424 00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:22,000 I love the new freedom and new happiness bestowed upon me 425 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,120 from Alcoholics Anonymous, you know? 426 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:28,240 I'm like still mystified at how a person like me 427 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:31,240 could be here alive, sober, you know, 428 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,200 with a new perception, a new way of looking at life. 429 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:37,240 When they tell us in the reading today, 430 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,640 this is a program of traction, not promotion. 431 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,680 I hope I can, for one, be that person 432 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:48,520 just by my example, my behavior, my continued sobriety, 433 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:49,800 the people, you know? 434 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:53,200 I hope that the way I do things outside of here, 435 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:56,120 like the 12 step, we carry these principles 436 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:59,280 in all of our affairs, that I'm able to do that. 437 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,760 They say we're not saints, and I definitely am not, you know? 438 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:03,760 No, I'm not. 439 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:08,760 You know, I tend to use very colorful language sometimes 440 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:11,280 when it may not be appropriate, you know? 441 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:15,600 I sometimes feel anxiety, and I sometimes get pissed off. 442 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,120 I walked out on a meeting at work the other day. 443 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,480 Well, I respected me and walked out. 444 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,800 So I have to keep learning and keep my head 445 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:28,040 in a place where I am still open to learning. 446 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,160 I never, never, never wanna close my mind 447 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,240 to what this program has to offer. 448 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:34,840 My name's Peggy, I'm an alcoholic, 449 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:36,480 and I'm grateful to be here tonight. 450 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:37,320 Thank you.