1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,780 to be alcoholic. Yeah, I'm an alcoholic with alcoholism and thanks for your share and 2 00:00:07,780 --> 00:00:13,440 circumstances are so different and circumstances a lot of times people get confused and think 3 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:17,600 that's alcoholism and nothing should be further from the truth. So Ben, thanks so much for 4 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:22,760 going through the archives and finding a drastic old bullet to come up here and share. I'm 5 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:27,420 definitely the type of alcoholic that has been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence 6 00:00:27,420 --> 00:00:31,880 which I had not even dreamed possible. Let me tell you, I smoked a lot of angel dust, 7 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:36,560 it'll have cocaine, probably six, seven hundred LSD trips. I don't know how many nights in 8 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:42,280 a row I stayed up for how many years and drank and drank and drank and drank. I mean, I'm 9 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:46,880 the type of alcoholic that takes a U.N.M. syringe, puts it in a bottle and put it on 10 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:51,140 a bottle and sticks it out of my bag and shoots it. I mean, I'm the type of guy, why spend 11 00:00:51,140 --> 00:00:56,400 all night getting drunk when you can get snot, slinging, can't stand up, want to puke, can't 12 00:00:56,400 --> 00:01:02,160 walk, think you can dance, over dehydrated, drunk and, you know, like five seconds. Why 13 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:06,320 spend the whole night doing that? I'm the type of drunk that, you know, it's like if 14 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:11,000 you're going to drink all day, you got to start when you first wake up, you know, commitment 15 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:16,400 to the cause, that's all. So I was born in the middle of the last century, just like 16 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:21,400 you. I got to my first meeting a couple of weeks after my 30th birthday and the deal 17 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:26,400 was people have been coming over the house for 10 years, you know, get court cases, what 18 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:30,560 have you, and try to get me to go to meetings. And I was like, oh, they'd be all excited 19 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:34,520 and hyped up about going to meetings. And, well, tell me about these meetings. Was it, 20 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:38,240 well, there's people just like us, but they don't get landed anymore. It's like, well, 21 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:43,400 why do I want to go hang out with them? I want to stay stoned. I love the effect produced 22 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:49,520 by alcohol and all the very little sidekicks, dry goods, stuff that grows out of the ground, 23 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:53,520 stuff that grows out of manure, you know, mushrooms, whatever, you know, it's just like, 24 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:58,800 you know, my first block out, I was still in the diaper. My mom, I was sort of drinking 25 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:03,920 early. I was a periodic from, you know, when I was young like that, but that didn't last 26 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:09,360 long, you know, before I was able to legally drink, I was just getting loaded every day. 27 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:15,480 I mean, my mom left my dad with a Catholic, you know, and in a Catholic church, you don't 28 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:21,120 get divorced, so my mom had the choice of staying with an abusive man, getting kicked 29 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:25,480 out of the Catholic church, so she got kicked out of the Catholic church. Me being with 30 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:31,240 my grand monster, I mean, my grandmother, you know, like you were talking about a periodic 31 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:37,480 with the worst kind of, see, like with me, if you see me before I got here, I'm always 32 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:41,800 drunk and loaded. And if I'm not, I'm trying to figure out how to get something to get 33 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:47,400 drunk and loaded because I need, I have alcoholism, it needs to be treated. And see, they're going 34 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:53,000 to be treated with the spiritual remedy contained in the 12-step process of Alcoholics Anonymous, 35 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:58,240 the program, or I'm going to treat it with alcohol and whatever else I can put into me. 36 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:05,000 And what happened was my grandmother lived in depression, poor lady, careful, hated life, 37 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:10,040 just couldn't stand men and all the hatred she had for men, she took out some men, you 38 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:14,600 know, she did things to me like, oh, I'm just a little diaper bike running around, she's 39 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:18,800 knocking me upside the headband, get that look off your face, she looked just like your 40 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:22,440 dad, no, I'm knocking off your face, you ain't gonna cry, I'll give you a reason to cry about 41 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:26,880 it, dropkick me across the living room floor. Just, you know, the physical abuse, it was 42 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:32,520 tough enough, but the mental and the emotional abuse, still from time to time comes up, but 43 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:37,920 it doesn't have much power anymore. Do you see some therapy in the light of 12-step working, 44 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:44,000 being clean and sober and living this new AA way of life? Yeah, my first time, my grandfather 45 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:51,040 was having a poker party, you know, and I'm just walking in the table doing more, more, 46 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:54,800 you know, now it's just a championship for things to come. It's always more, more, you 47 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:59,720 know, drink more, more and everything. And basically what happens, I grew up in the San 48 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:04,480 Fernando Valley in the sixties, it was a great time in the United States, it was bad, good 49 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:10,120 guys were getting bothered, those dresses were getting shorter, you ladies stopped wearing 50 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:15,960 bras, which made the view even better, you know, it was a perfect time to grow up, you 51 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:20,800 know, I loved it, sex, drugs and rock and roll, we were just out to have fun and that's 52 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:27,240 what I did, and I had no idea there was a problem. I loved the party, you know, I just 53 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:31,680 loved the party. How many of you know the Fabulous Freak Brothers? Oh my God, out of 54 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:36,840 the sixties cartoon characters? Well, one of their mottos was, times of no money and 55 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:41,640 drugs will get you through better than times of drugs and no money. So I spent all my money 56 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:47,800 on drugs. My mom eventually got married again, and she married a guy who was a World War 57 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:53,200 II sergeant in Germany, and he was pretty disciplined, and he really taught me how to 58 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:58,120 drink, because whatever, your Saturday mornings have to get up at like six o'clock and be 59 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:03,400 on the halfway seven, my mom would pick breakfast by nine o'clock, go out and eat breakfast, 60 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:07,200 work until about one or two should have lunch, and then we'd shoot pool for three or four 61 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:11,520 hours, he'd polish up a fifth or fourth of the room, while we were shooting pool, and 62 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:17,200 he'd go out with my mom, they'd go do their stuff, I'd go out and, you know, do my stuff. 63 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:21,720 Sixties, seventies, it was far more about drugs than alcohol, drugs, all different kinds 64 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:26,480 of stuff like that, starting with commercial weed, mini bennies, drugs, all the pharmaceuticals, 65 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:30,840 everything, just a plethora of everything, all the time, just more and more. And see, 66 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:36,480 what makes me alcoholic was really two simple things that it says, there's a big book, you 67 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:40,660 know, I drink when I don't want to, or when I start to drink, I drink better than I want 68 00:05:40,660 --> 00:05:44,120 to. Two question interview to find out if we're alcoholic. How many people are in the 69 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:48,960 first year? Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous, man. John, right? I'm sorry he's come to this, 70 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:54,200 dude. But the good news is, this is the solution. The bad news is, we're the solution. Because 71 00:05:54,200 --> 00:06:00,000 like this format stated, the primary way this works is what's actually working with another 72 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:05,480 for fun and for free. What happens is that God within us works to talk to the guy within 73 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:11,040 you and that's how we get sober and maintain sobriety. I'm beyond human aid. I have alcoholism. 74 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:15,840 The disease I have, I'm beyond human aid. I need God. Right here, right now, if I don't 75 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:20,520 have the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I've been working in this moment. See, the 76 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:25,360 only thing that will drive me to drink and get loaded is sobriety. I get loaded from 77 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:31,360 a sober state. I mean, my sobriety date is April 11th, April 12th, 1986. You know why 78 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:37,560 it's April 12th, 1986? Because on April 11th, 1986, I was headed to an H&I board meeting. 79 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:43,680 I had had sobriety dates in '83, '84. I don't think I had any in '85. I came in, I had a 80 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:50,640 very different set of principles that I did by. In '86, I was on the H&I board. I probably 81 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:55,000 had three pals at the time I was on the board for the San Fernando Valley. The H&I board 82 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:59,200 meeting was out in Arcadia someplace and I was smoking a couple of packs of cigarettes 83 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:03,840 a day at that time. One of them was a kind of roach that was about that big and I was 84 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:10,600 working in. You know what? I got one hit off that roach. After not being loaded for a while, 85 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:15,660 I was really loaded after that one hit. Now see, the non-alcoholic, my plan was to take 86 00:07:15,660 --> 00:07:19,680 one hit, put it down. You know what I did? I smoked that thing until I sucked that whole 87 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:26,060 cherry down my throat. You know? I said, "Should I bring me to an H&I event?" Let me tell you. 88 00:07:26,060 --> 00:07:30,400 When I got there, I got there late because when I'm limited, I'm late. I'm not waiting 89 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:34,880 for you. You're going to wait for me. That's one of the environments of Kurt Kirby being 90 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:39,200 Kurt Kirby back in those days. I was like, "God, you're willing to get me a Kurt." I'm 91 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:43,880 like, "Yeah. Got anything to drink? Something to munch on?" The last time I put chemicals 92 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:50,260 in me, I had a good time. I got here. I got to my first meeting a couple of weeks after 93 00:07:50,260 --> 00:07:57,960 my 30th birthday which was in the summer of 1983. It was a perfect meeting for me. I told 94 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:02,680 you people have been trying to get me to meetings for years. It was in West Hollywood called 95 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:07,960 Architects of Adversity. It was a closed meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was not an alcoholic. 96 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:12,680 I was a hope to die pilfering. You know what happened? I kept coming to these AA meetings 97 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:17,880 and I caught alcoholism. John, I don't know what you know about alcoholism, but it's incurable. 98 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:23,680 Once you got it, you got it. You can't get rid of it. The good news is we have a solution 99 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:29,160 for it. You so eloquently spoke about the 12 step process and about having a good sponsor 100 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:35,400 and having sponsors and being in the middle of the herd. I can trace my lineage in Alcoholics 101 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:41,400 Anonymous. I have a bunch of big books. One of them lists all the people all the way to 102 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:47,160 Dr. Bob. I guess it wasn't written about Dr. Bob because Dr. Bob's way of doing things 103 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:52,520 is a little bit different than Bill. It was all a 12 step process, 6 step process at that 104 00:08:52,520 --> 00:09:00,160 point in time. Bill decided 6 are good, 12 is better. What the hell? Think about it. 105 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:08,600 I love things that move unexpectedly like that. Hell yeah. Everything's gonna change. 106 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:13,720 You know, it's like, blow with the go. Just keep moving. Keep it simple. I forgot where 107 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:18,780 I was when this thing was installed. Imagine, yeah, 6 steps and then 12 steps. Imagine coming 108 00:09:18,780 --> 00:09:23,040 in here, you got a nice newcomer, you're bringing them in, you're gonna tell him about the 12 109 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:29,440 step process and you walk in and they're leaving. You know what? We got 24 steps now. That's 110 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:33,640 what Bill did to these four characters when he wrote the 12 steps. And he didn't even 111 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:38,440 know it was 12 steps until he went and numbered them. In fact, Mike and I go to a meeting 112 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:43,600 called Love and Tolerance on Wednesday nights and there's a guy that was really excited 113 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:48,520 named Tim about the steps and being sober and all this stuff, you know, and he wants 114 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:54,880 to argue with me about 6 and 7. You know, he's like, why? He's like, what's the difference 115 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:59,480 between character defects and shortcomings? I'm like, nothing. He goes, no, no. Now, this 116 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:05,680 guy was like 8 months. I even went to go with 37 years and 40 years membership. You see, 117 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:10,720 the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. And I got that desire at 118 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:15,280 my first meeting. Up until that first meeting, I was gonna stay stoned the best of my life. 119 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:19,280 And what happened? See, John, why we come to meetings really is to ruin it for you newcomers. 120 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:25,680 You know, we can't have it in my family. We're gonna win it for you. That's what it's about, 121 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:31,680 dude. Oh, my God. But, you know, he wants to argue with me. I got that desire at my 122 00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:39,920 first meeting. And basically what happened was I caught alcohol and I'm so happy I did 123 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:44,480 because I have a solution. I didn't know that there was a problem. I mean, every once in 124 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:52,240 a while I'd run into like an Al-Anon or whatever, you know, and they'd want to fix me and change 125 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:56,640 me and all that kind of stuff. And it's just like I would feel pitiful for a few hours 126 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:02,000 because he'd be doing that shit to me, you know, just like that. And then I do a couple 127 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:07,040 more hits and I'm fine, you know, just like like two different times. Today, we call them 128 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:15,280 Al's. Al's doing it, we were just bummed, you know, I was a bum a few times, you know, I lived on the streets for 12 months, 129 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:19,920 nine months, whatever it was. It was just, you know, Janice Joplin started about it, you know, 130 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:25,200 you've got nothing left to lose, you know, it's just freedom. I love Sunday Night Show and I'm homeless, 131 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:30,960 you know, because I walk around the city, it's so quiet, you know, you can hear things two, three, four 132 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:36,240 miles away, car driving or whatever. It's quite a snipe. But I tell you what, I like when I leave 133 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:41,440 here, I'm gonna go to my house, go to sleep in my bed, got a king size bed because I think I'm a king, 134 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:46,240 you know, have really nice flannel sheets on it because it's that time of year, you know, I take 135 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:51,760 time to spoil me. And the reason I do is I'm like my own best friend, you know, I'm in a no matter what club, 136 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:56,960 I don't drink, I don't use no matter what. So what time am I going to talk to? Okay, I just want to 137 00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:02,160 stay somewhere crowded because I don't have a canned pitch of people come up here, you know, every 138 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:09,440 time five years later, it's the exact same thing. Just like every time I think I'm, thanks for hunting 139 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:15,680 me down. Yeah, I'm gonna speak at that meeting. Like, oh, God, just use me. Let me help somebody. 140 00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:19,520 No, basically, there's not a whole lot of new stuff that comes out of me. I've maybe heard 141 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:24,000 everything I'm going to say. And most of the time I would rather hear me than a lot of you. That's why I 142 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:30,080 talk to me a lot. Also, I love to hear intelligent, good looking men talk, you know, just the problem 143 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:35,520 is if I ever catch myself going, what'd you say? Then I might have a problem. So anyway, that first 144 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:40,560 meeting, you know, who was there? Guys and gals, like you people, clean and sober. And you spoke 145 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:46,480 about spoke about they had a conscious contact with God, and the energy in that room really got 146 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:52,400 me. And by the end of that meeting, what happened was, I was like, Yeah, I think I'd rather not get 147 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:58,160 loaded than get loaded. If that's what it's like, the way you guys are. And what happened was after 148 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:03,680 the meeting, nobody took me, told me what I had to do, anything like that. I haven't had a whole lot 149 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:08,960 of people tell me what to do. And so I checked, I'd share what I do. And if that's what you want 150 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:14,640 to do, if you don't, you can keep what you got, enjoy what you got, not enjoy it, feel pitiful, 151 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:19,040 incomprehensible, demoralization, or whatever you're feeling. So anyway, what happened was 152 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:23,760 they got a line in front of me, you know, there were some people came up, Kurt, you got to go on 153 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:28,640 family surrenders, you're gonna die. I'm like, relax, relax, maybe somebody comes over and finds 154 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:33,200 me blue and almost dead. But I'm still here, you know, I like to shoot the mark and just do the 155 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:37,120 other thing, you know, when you come back. And then a few people came up to me and said, Kurt, 156 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:42,320 I'm so glad you're here. Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Here's that book, Alcoholics Anonymous. 157 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:47,760 We know you're not an alcoholic, you're a drug addict. So where it says alcoholic, put in drug 158 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:56,000 addict, where it says alcohol, put in cocaine, speed, heroin, LSD, whatever, read the book, 159 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:59,840 tell us what you think. And I thought, well, there's somebody they want me to straighten 160 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:03,920 their book out, you know, they they know an intelligent person when they see one, 161 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:10,080 you know, you know, our book tells us one of the problems, selfishness, self centeredness, 162 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:14,480 that we believe is the root of our problem. And then somebody else came up with a directory, 163 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:18,560 the other really important piece of literature, second most important piece of literature we have 164 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:22,640 here. They go, here's our directory, here's the meeting we're going to be at Thursday, 165 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:26,720 here's the meeting we're going to be at Friday. In fact, if you want to get get there early and 166 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:31,120 help us set up, that would be great. Oh, in fact, we're going out to coffee afterwards, 167 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:34,880 you want to come with us. And you know what I thought? What do they want from me? You see, 168 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:40,000 when I got here, I was a taker, not a giver. When I'm a taker, I'm a loser. It's as simple as that. 169 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,800 Seems like the more I give, the more I try to share it, the richer my life becomes, and the more 170 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:49,040 at ease and comfort I have in life. Who would have thought? See, that's what you're in store for, 171 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:54,960 John. Look out. Everything. What do they say? Only one thing has to change? Anything. That's all. 172 00:14:54,960 --> 00:15:01,680 Just one thing. Everything. And everything has changed. And I still think I'm looking out at 173 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:07,680 30 year old eyes, except the body's a little bit older. So anyway, then came the quandary 174 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:12,720 trying to figure this thing out. And what I found out is there's no step that says figure it out. 175 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:18,880 And what happened was, I kept going to meetings, and I finally took a sobriety day, kept getting 176 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:23,600 loaded, but just kept that sobriety day. Because, you know, after six months, I got tired of the way 177 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:28,240 you guys were looking at me, I'm still raising my hand as a newcomer. And there's people taking, 178 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:33,440 you know, chips, six month chips that I saw come in, and I'm living in the recovery house, 179 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:39,760 out by the clay house. And one of the reasons you don't get in fights, and you don't get loaded, 180 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:44,640 you have to move out. I could not get in fights, I could do that. But I couldn't not get loaded. 181 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:50,320 And see, even now I can't not get loaded. But we can get I can stay sober with you guys. See, 182 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:57,200 I still have no power. First step is such a clear step. What it says is we admitted we were 183 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:03,600 powerless over alcohol. Admitted, I tend to think the word admitted in that sentence means to let 184 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:08,880 in kind of like we get admitted to a sporting event or the movies or whatever it is. I let that 185 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:14,560 idea in. You said you were a conceited alcoholic, conceited to your innermost selves that you were 186 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:21,120 alcoholic. So I got to let that in way, way, way inside. And, you know, it doesn't say in that 187 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:26,960 step. We're alcoholic says we admitted it. But we admitted we were powerless. And see, I know what 188 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:31,600 powerlessness is. Powerlessness is when I'm standing in front of the Honorable Judge Hughes 189 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:36,400 in Division 101, dressed looking nice like this because I want to fool him, waiting for him to 190 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:40,960 tell me what the next five to 25 years of my life are going to be like. Because see, the police don't 191 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:45,840 play fair. They come to my house and take me away, telling me I'm having way too much fun on my 192 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:51,440 schedule, my road to a happy destiny. They want to give me a break. You know, I'm not safe for society. 193 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:57,360 Anyway, what happened was I took an inventory, probably the best inventory in the history of 194 00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:02,240 Alcoholics Anonymous. I took it on speed, you know, just a little medicinal speed because 195 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:08,720 my brain was so broke. I couldn't figure that shit out. Resentments? It was a resentment. You know, 196 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:14,160 my sponsor gave me a whole list of ideas of who, you know, it's just like I couldn't figure it out. 197 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:18,960 It was just medicinal speed. I just shot like, you know, twenty dollars worth and he's like, 198 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:24,000 "Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, I got that shit. Such good inventory. Oh, yeah." You know, 199 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:29,200 basically what happened was I turned it in. I got a hundred percent plus extra credit on it, 200 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:34,640 you know. No, I sat there with my sponsor with whole sweats running down and I was being as 201 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:40,000 honest as I had ever been with anybody in my life. And it was a scary thing to do. Anyway, 202 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,880 I'm sponsoring copious numbers of people taking people through, you know, the first seven steps 203 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:48,960 in a Monday night group. You know, we take people and we run around a lot of people going like, 204 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:54,480 "I'm in a covered half hour." No, fix you. We've been in a meeting on Monday night, 6 o'clock, 205 00:17:54,480 --> 00:18:00,320 going till midnight and 3 o'clock, 6 o'clock the next day, taking through the first seven steps. 206 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:07,120 And basically what happened was I was on my way to that H&I board meeting on April 11th, 1986. 207 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:12,400 Took a cake around to the board meeting the next day, didn't tell anybody. I just thought it was 208 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:17,440 none of your business that I smoked blue and shot a little speed up, you know. So I was doing 209 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:20,880 everything else except not getting loaded. I mean, what happened was a buddy of mine, 210 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:25,520 one night I had a bachelor pad here in Woodland Hill, this perfect bachelor pad with a four 211 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:31,920 bedroom, had a great stereo, black bottom swimming pool, jacuzzi, all the necessary things for fun 212 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:40,400 for a young guy. We had a present in February of '88. He came for two years from me for four years 213 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:44,560 and he looked across the living room and he says, "Tape, you know, I can honestly say I haven't been 214 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:49,120 loaded in two years." And I couldn't look back at Lenny and go, "You know what, dude, I haven't been 215 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:55,680 loaded in four years." And that lie died inside of me. What happened is I'm in a couple of meditation 216 00:18:55,680 --> 00:19:00,240 books every morning. I'm trying, I'm meditating, I'm sponsoring a bunch of people, taking them 217 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:05,520 through the stuff, doing all this stuff, have commitments every day, you know, every activity 218 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:10,880 stuff. And I feel good. You know, it's just like, it's easy for me to lie to you guys. I grew up 219 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:16,080 with people, people who told me don't lie, but I'm really good at getting you to believe what I want 220 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:20,880 you to believe without actually telling you the lie. You know, I'm just so dishonest. And that's 221 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:25,600 what chapter five, that first paragraph tells us, you know, who makes this program, who doesn't and 222 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:30,160 why. And it's all about honesty, which says, "There's rarely ever seen a person fail to definitely 223 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:35,920 follow their pain." Now listen to this, those who do not recover are people, there's two kinds, 224 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:43,040 who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. And it's usually men and 225 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:48,720 women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. You know, I was incapable 226 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:53,840 of being honest with myself. I'm not that way anymore, but I was up until that point. And 227 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:59,200 basically what happened was it was when that lie died inside of me, and I knew I had to get honest, 228 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:06,400 okay. I almost saw my ninth step work, I was really enjoying life, had a good job. Things 229 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:11,200 were really nice on the outside, they were really comfortable on the inside, except for that one 230 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:16,560 little lie. And basically what happened was it was really, really simple. I went to God and I go, 231 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:22,000 "God, you know what?" Every person that I've heard that lied about their sober day, they went out and 232 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:27,680 got loaded and created even more havoc and more problems than they came in with. And I came in 233 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:34,560 with a lot of situations that had to be rectified, that I got to rectify and clean up. And basically 234 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:40,000 what happened was I got to go to a meeting one night that I had started years before and get 235 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:45,200 honest. And let me tell you, at that moment when it was a candlelight man, I said, "You know, guy, 236 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:49,920 why ask God for the courage?" And I don't know how you guys pray, but when I ask God for certain 237 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:56,400 specific things, see, God is really old and sometimes she moves way too slowly. So I give 238 00:20:56,400 --> 00:21:00,320 her praise, you know, it's like, "I want the courage and I want it by this date." You know, 239 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:04,720 if it's God's will, the courage came long before the date. Went to the meeting, I'm sitting in 240 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:08,960 there, it's candlelight meeting, I'm like, "You know what, guys? I've been lying to my whole time. 241 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:13,520 I don't even know what my sobriety date is, but I've been lying to you guys." And at that moment, 242 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:19,360 there was such a peace inside that I knew that forever everything was going to be okay. Whether 243 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:25,760 it felt comfortable or not. And what that was, was I was all in on this deal. I'd completely given 244 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:30,880 myself to this simple program at that moment in time. And basically what happened was my life 245 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:36,880 really changed a lot after that. I ended up impregnating another girl, you know, and instead 246 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:43,120 of abortion this time, we had a pregnancy. In fact, I talked to that guy today, I think it was 247 00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:47,680 an hour and 15 minutes when I was done because my phone automatically touched people, you know, 248 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:51,840 he's one of my best friends. And he's got a brother, he's one of my other best friends. 249 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:57,360 Another one of my best friends is Mike Spence right here. If you don't have a Mike Spence in 250 00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:02,480 your life, I hope you have a guy as wonderful as Mike is to me, you know, and I hope I am to him, 251 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:07,440 and I think I am. You know what, we build relationships with people. My two sons are 32 252 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:14,240 and 34, and before I got here, there was no way I could have kids. I was way too selfish and self-centered. 253 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:20,000 Kids, oh my God, they're so icky, you know, just like get away, you know, it's just like, 254 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:24,640 you know why they're called dependents on the tax form? Because they depend on us so much, 255 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:29,280 like I didn't want any of that crap. I was too selfish and self-centered, and you know what I 256 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:35,120 found out? Once I got clean and sober, the transformation that the 12-step promises us, 257 00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:42,080 a complete rearrangement of everything, I found out what was always inside of me was a compassionate, 258 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:47,440 caring, loving, understanding person that just wants to be nice and love people. I couldn't have 259 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:52,320 had a better day today. I woke up in my house, went to the grocery store, bought some stuff, 260 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:57,440 went home, made a nice breakfast, got dressed, went and umpired the game out in the Gore Hills. 261 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:02,000 I love spending time on the baseball field. I'm the most loved guy on the baseball field, 262 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:08,960 the umpire, you know, between El Camino and the Gore Hills. Basically, there were some kids at 263 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:14,800 El Camino that I've umpired. They were so happy to see me run into a lady who's in our fellowship. 264 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:21,280 It was one of the parents at El Camino, another one who's a parent who I haven't seen in like a 265 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:28,240 year, whose stepson is playing for Gore, so we got to check quite a bit and get caught up and stuff. 266 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:33,600 And you know, I went home, almost fell asleep, talked to my son. He called back when I backed 267 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:39,600 into the driveway. So I talked to him for an hour plus. And it's just, I get to live such an 268 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,920 incredible life out there. I'll tell you, I tell you, we've got five minutes to go. I take care of 269 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:49,280 five things every day. And I could talk for 35 minutes on each one of these things. But the five 270 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:54,320 things I take care of every day is mind, body, spirit, family, friends, and the other effort, 271 00:23:54,320 --> 00:24:00,560 finances, because money is important here. I take care of my mind as I'm constantly feeding it new, 272 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:05,840 diverse information. I'm reading new stuff, gathering new information, living life with 273 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:11,200 an open mind. Oh, look at that. The light came off. Five minutes. Good job. Good job, Jojo. Yes. 274 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:16,880 Yeah. I didn't throw those lights out because I didn't think I could talk. I loved listening to 275 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:23,360 me talk. I didn't talk until midnight. Easy. So mind, body, oh my God. In 2019, I'm running 276 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:28,320 by the planet just having a good time. I had the little thought, but I'd had hepatitis A, B, and C, 277 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:32,960 got rid of the C, got tested for a year, came back, morphed into a different genotech, 278 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:36,640 went in, got rid of it again, got tested for a couple of years, didn't come back, 279 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:41,280 stopped going to the doctor. It's like four years later, we have the little God voice, 280 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:46,000 you know, male intuition, whatever you want to call it. Because see, I work hard to keep 281 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:49,920 a conscious contact with God. And I had the thought, "You shouldn't let your blood work, 282 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:54,160 God." I'm like, "No, I feel great. I'm like a lot of people 10, 20 years younger than me. 283 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:57,760 They can't keep up with me. They're having trouble keeping up with me. I'm fine." About 284 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:02,400 two weeks later, I have the same thought. I go in and have this poor doctor. I tell him my story, 285 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:06,640 you know, about everything. He's like, "We're going to run every test in the world around you, 286 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:11,600 right?" I call back about four days later when I'm supposed to call back. And they go, "Oh, 287 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:16,320 you have to come in and talk to the doctor for results." And that's never good news because if 288 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:20,000 everything's fine, I'm just like, "Yeah, you're great. Thanks for coming in. We'll see you in 289 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:24,160 six months." I go in, "This poor doctor, you would have thought he was getting a death sentence." 290 00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:30,000 He's like, "Your hepatitis C has come back. You have liver cancer, stage 4 cirrhosis of the lip." 291 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:35,600 And see, he can't scare me with that shit, you know? You know why? God's in charge. She's got 292 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:39,360 the perfect plan. Whatever's going to happen is going to happen. I haven't been hanging on 293 00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:45,280 back for 30 plus years. It's not a big deal to me. So what do we do? Get rid of the hep C, 294 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:48,400 then the liver? He's like, "Do you know how serious this is?" And I'm like, "Yeah, that's what 295 00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:52,880 I want to know. What's the plan of action?" You already know what the problem is. Anyway, 296 00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:58,480 tomorrow will be the celebration of getting rid of the liver cancer and being cancer-free for 297 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:04,400 four years, which is really, really a full thing. You know, God has brought so many great doctors 298 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:09,120 to us, and my job is to really lead them. Bless you. Do it again, and I'll tell you to stop it. 299 00:26:09,120 --> 00:26:15,200 I love doing that. Anyway, checked in for one night at UCLA, and then probably had 20 whatever 300 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:22,560 sleepovers in 2020 at the Hotel Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. Give me complications with 301 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:27,840 the liver and the wild like clothing and infections and all kinds of stuff. Nothing to do with COVID. 302 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:32,640 You know, Mike was such a great friend. He'd pick me up, take me there, drop me off, come back later, 303 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:36,720 pick me up. You know, like going on Tuesday, I'm supposed to get up that Tuesday evening and not 304 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:42,080 get out until Friday. You know, it's just like, they've only one in one time. You don't know if 305 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:46,240 you're coming in a deadly line. Mike, what do you want me to sign? Let's go. You know, it's just 306 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:52,080 like, it's not that I wanted to die. I just knew that God has a perfect plan. I have such a reliance 307 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:57,920 and a trust that I got nothing to worry about. My life is really, really simple. Mind, body, spirit. 308 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:03,360 You know what? I see constantly through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact 309 00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:08,640 with God. I live in the 10 step. To me, the 10 step isn't some writing thing at the end of the 310 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:14,000 day, month or year. It's a walk around step. So it's very clearly we've entered the world of the 311 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:20,320 spirit. What does that mean? I've left the world of self behind and entered into the world of the 312 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:25,600 spirit with God. One minute? Yeah, one minute. So the 10 step is really, really simple. It says to 313 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:30,080 watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and prayer, the four things from the four step. 314 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:33,920 You know what? You're sitting here and you don't think you're God's favorite? You are. I think 315 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:39,760 we're all God's favorite. You know what? We've been given such a priceless gift here, sobriety. 316 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:44,800 Oh my God. I'm so lucky. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me was that first meeting 317 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:49,520 of Alcoholics Anonymous and then being able to pick this way of life up and practice it on a 318 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:54,320 daily basis. I just get to hang out with somebody I love all day, every day. And that's me, you 319 00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:58,560 know? And then God puts a bunch of really cool people in front of me and I get to add a lot of 320 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:02,640 joy to their life. I get to give rather than take. Time's up. Thanks for letting me share. 321 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,200 Thanks, Kurt.