Hi, Jennifer alcoholic. I have a sobriety date of August 4th, 2007.
I have a sponsor and I have a home group and I'm just here to share what it was
like, what happened and what I'm like today. And so, um,
it was fun and then it wasn't, and then I wanted to stop, but I couldn't.
That's the short version, right? Um, so you go a little bit more detail.
Um, so I actually always knew, it feels like I always knew about alcoholism.
Um, my dad's family lives back East in Massachusetts and I always heard how bad
they all had, you know, had it. And so I always knew it ran in my family.
Um, my dad's been sober since before I was born.
And I remember learning the serenity prayer and it was just a nice little
saying, you know, I remember coming across his, um, AA chips, um,
his family from back East got sober and, um,
what's in him and AA chips. And I would,
I found it when I was like stealing coins out of his ashtray off of his bureau,
you know? And so he would tell, he told me about that. And so I,
I knew that he had been in, been an alcoholic.
I knew that he drank and I knew his stories. So I always knew that that was there.
So I was kind of warned about it, but, um, you know,
I definitely didn't think it applied to me and I definitely didn't,
I couldn't even picture my dad as the alcoholic that I thought an alcoholic
looked like. Right. So to me,
I always thought the alcoholic was the guy on the street with the trench coat
and the alcohol in the bag. I always pictured that as what an alcoholic was.
Um, I too can relate to the 10 minute speaker. Thank you for your share. Um,
the whole not feeling like part of, not feeling, you know,
just feeling different. But, um, I didn't really know what it was.
I just was a really big thinker.
I don't know if we got any other thinkers in the room,
but I would just think and think, and then I think, why am I thinking so much?
And I'm talking about like, since before I started kindergarten,
I was getting migraines. Um,
I remember my mom having to walk me around the apartment complex cause like the
second grade homework was stressing me out too much. Like, um,
I was just constantly just thinking way too much insomnia,
like from that point on even. Um, and that's very lonely when you're like,
you know,
in second grade and the whole house is asleep and you're awake and you're just
thinking, gosh, it was awful. Um,
so I basically needed the drink long before I took it, you know, and, um,
I didn't take my first drink until I was about 20,
which was one of the things that I would compare myself to everybody else in the
rooms and here when they were like six drinking behind the dumpster, you know,
and I was like that and I can't be one, you know, but, um, you know,
so I was about 20 when I had my first drink and even then I remember it was at a
party at the, at the beach, um, at the beach house.
And I felt kind of cool holding the red cup,
but I still didn't feel on the inside the way everybody's outside look like they
just all seem to just get it or something, you know,
and I just did not feel that feeling.
So I did not feel that feeling until I had my first,
my first drunk when I turned 21 and I was drinking with people from work.
Um, you know, I was falling off at the bar stool, walking into the walls. Um,
the girlfriends went home, I kept kicking it with the guys. Um,
and I remember I came to the next morning and the girlfriend was in the back
room and she was saying, Oh my God, she's laying in her own vomit.
And I remember thinking, when can I do this again? You know,
when can I do this again?
Cause I had finally felt that sense of peace and comfort that comes with taking
a few drinks. I just hadn't been drinking enough up until that point. You know,
um, I didn't start drinking that like, you know,
I didn't start drinking every day all the time. At that point,
I drank as much as I could when I could.
I found some other substances to keep me occupied. In the meantime, um,
I was going to college. Um,
I used to say I don't know how I managed to graduate. Well, I do.
I lied and cheated. That's how I managed to graduate, you know?
So I managed to graduate college. Um, and at that point I,
I realized it felt to me like I had been wasting my time.
Like what was I doing in college? Just going to work, going to school.
I wasn't happy. I needed to be having fun. You know,
I was like 23 years old and I needed to get the party going. My sister,
I have three sisters. I usually only talk about the, my younger one,
probably only going to talk about the younger one again today.
We'll see what happens. But, uh, she was old enough to start drinking.
And so she had friends already that I didn't have. So there we go. I had it,
I was set, you know, and we would be at the bar.
There was always a reason to be there. Whether it was,
we knew the bartender who poured heavy for us on Monday,
Tuesday was two for somewhere, you know, Wednesday I think was a rest day,
Thursday it's already the weekend, you know? So there was always a reason to be
at the bar and to be drinking. Um, and even back then,
like I knew in the back of my mind that my drinking was probably not quite
normal, but I was around other people who seem to be drinking the same way I was.
So it was easy to write it off. Um, so I became a substitute school teacher.
Like I've always known I wanted to be a teacher my whole life.
There was a time period I wanted to be an astronaut and then the spaceship blew
up. Um, and you know, and my, my nana scared me away from the math. So, um,
I was going to be a teacher, so I became a substitute school teacher.
And I don't know if, um, if you ever had one of those,
but I was definitely one that you're like, something is wrong with this one.
You know, that was definitely me.
So I used to think that I was hungover when I went to work,
but the way I drank, I was definitely still drunk. You know,
I was puking at the red lights.
I would make sure I had a trash can underneath the teacher's desk, you know,
and I would try to wait for the five minute passing period and sometimes I
couldn't. So I was politely puking under the podium, you know, and, uh,
and I thought, I thought that it was normal. I wrote it off in my head.
The alcoholic life became my only normal one. I thought, okay,
I'm 24 years old. If all these old teachers, which, oh gosh, I am now, you know,
if all these old teachers were as young as me, you know,
they would be just as ill in the morning as I am.
Like if all my friends didn't have these waitressing jobs that they got to sleep
it off, they'd be as thick as I am. Like, I always just found those excuses,
right? And just try to make it be okay.
I remember one time I was teaching little, um, second graders,
I'd shown up late. I was reeking of the Jack Daniels. Um, and I remember like,
you know, it was time for lunch and they're like, you gotta walk us out,
you know? And I was like, you just gotta go. You just gotta go.
And like the last kid didn't make it out in time.
And I actually puked on this kid, you know, and then I pretended it was a sneeze.
I went, ha-choo, like it was a sneeze.
And I didn't follow them out to the lunch line.
Like I made them get there on their own.
I just crawled over to the book nook and took a nap is what I did, you know?
And I remember getting, um,
a letter like a week later or something saying that they didn't want me back at
that school. And I remember thinking, why?
Like I really remember having that thought, why is it?
Cause I didn't grade the papers. Like,
I think there was bigger problems going on than that, you know? And, um,
so I just,
so I decided that my problem was that I didn't know if I had a job the next day
or not. That's why I kept drinking. Because I, if I didn't know,
I had was either calling in to see if I had a job and then if I did it,
I just pick up the next drink. Right. And it wasn't even my drink. Let's,
let's be clear on that. I was always the hanger on. I would go to the bar.
I would try to work the room, get myself a couple of drinks,
say thanks for talking for two minutes and walk away. You know,
I was not going there to make friends. I was like the purse watcher at that point.
I would watch, I would much rather just sit there and watch everyone's purses
and get my drink on, you know?
And so I was actually sleeping on my dad's couch at the time,
sealing his quarters once again,
so that I had enough money to get on the bus cause my car had been repossessed.
So I could get that first drink, you know? Um,
and so I was going to whatever house, you know, the usual, um, party spot.
I love that. I call it a party. Like it was like four of us maybe, you know,
like, I don't know that it's exactly a party, but that's what it was someday.
Some days there was a nice big party there, but I was like,
I knew where you stashed your beers that you thought you were hiding that,
you know, they weren't being hidden very well and I would drink those. And, um,
so yeah, so that's what I was doing. And, um, I,
so that was the problem that I didn't know if I had the job the next day.
So I decided I needed to go back to school. I got evicted from my house,
you know, and that's why I was sleeping on my dad's couch. And, um,
and I went back to school.
I found a couple other teachers to be that looked like they were drinking like
me until I went missing when we were supposed to be drinking together.
And they're all, you went off with some guy you said you knew. And I was like,
Oh, okay, great. You know, that was a little embarrassing. Um,
and those words and comprehensible demoralization, you know, those just,
that's just all of my drinking pretty much. Um, I remember asking my,
one of my sisters who is not an alcoholic,
if she ever had any experiences of incomprehensible demoralization.
And I remember her sitting there thinking and thinking and thinking, and she's,
Oh, well, there was this one time, but then I had like 10 in my head,
you know? And so I was like, okay, we definitely do not drink the same. Um,
so I went back to school. I became a, uh, I got my, I became a teacher.
I got a job. Now I'm teaching kids who are, um, on probation.
I'm teaching kids who are coming straight from juvenile hall.
They've got probation officers, you know, and I'm telling them,
you can't pass out in my class mainly cause I couldn't.
So then you shouldn't be able to either, you know,
and I actually remember telling them one time that there are responsible donors
out there. Like who says that to high schoolers? Like, you know,
who says that? Um,
and that was before it even became legal in California.
And I'm trying to act like it's okay. Um,
and basically I found the teachers that I thought drank like me, you know,
I remember being in the, this, this memory came to mind this week. And, um,
I remember I was in the teacher's room and someone asked me, so do you drink?
And I was like, Oh yeah, I drink. I mean,
that was not me holding a nice little bottle of anything.
That was the square bottle of Jack that I was throwing back when they asked me.
And I remember when I did it, I was like, Oh God, Oh God, did they catch on?
Did they see what I was in my head holding and drinking? And you know, um,
so I met up with a couple of people and we started, um, the drinking club,
we even called it the drinking club, you know,
and then I had to even it out by joining a couple other teachers with the book
club, but that didn't fix anything either, you know,
and I remember, um,
there was this big test that you have to take to become a school teacher,
you know, and it's like a five hour test and it's all the subjects.
And I showed up to the test and I didn't even have a pencil with an eraser.
And I was like, what kind of teacher am I going to be?
I don't even have an eraser. And of course,
all the other teachers to be in my head had like five of those big fat pink ones.
And I was not going to ask for one at all.
So the whole time I'm taking the test, I'm just thinking,
what do you think you are? What, what kind of teacher are you? I need a drink.
I need a drink. I need a drink. And so that drink went out. Um,
I went to the bar way too early. I was drinking until closing.
I heard bikers and booze, a few cities over,
I was going to find it in my Volkswagen bug. Instead,
I came to and there was a police officer at my window and I did not know how or
why or anything, you know? And, um, so that was my, my DUI.
Um, and they parked my bug. And when I came the next day, like the,
it was like I was rocking out to static, the radio didn't even work.
And it was like blasting. And I was like, Oh my gosh. Um,
so I ended up getting that,
which meant that I started coming to Alcoholics Anonymous. That's how I came.
My first AA meeting, um,
was actually on my sister's court card. I brought her to one. Um,
and then I ended up getting my own. And so I started coming to meetings.
I went to the local Alana club. Um,
I remember sitting there with my sunglasses on outside,
even after the sunset, my glasses stayed on. I remember the, um,
going around the circle and everyone's all so-and-so alcoholic.
And I was just Jennifer.
And then one time I accidentally said Jennifer alcoholic and everyone got so
excited. And I was like, that was seriously a mistake.
I did not go back to that meeting. Um, and you know, I,
I just, I heard that if you were laughing, that meant you were relating.
So I just tried to stop laughing, but I was, I was definitely relating.
I could hear in their stories, like something that I could relate to,
but I was, like I said, looking for those differences. They were this,
they were that old when they started,
they don't have a professional job like I do, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know,
I hadn't been to jail cause of course that DUI doesn't count. Right. You know,
so it was all of those things looking for differences instead of the
similarities. So, um, I was, uh,
I had to do some community service with that first DUI,
which I thought that judge was a bit extreme making me have to do this.
So I was doing that in lieu of jail time. Um,
and I was at the Goodwill hanging up clothes. Um,
but I was going out to my car and getting it on every couple of hours at break
time anyways, and coming back. And so it wasn't actually too bad, you know,
a little break from work.
And I remember I came back for graduation and I found out that one of my former
students had died in a drunk driving accident and she wasn't even the driver.
And I was just like, Oh my God, I can, I can never drink and drive again.
I can never drink and drive again. You know? And, um, you know,
but first it was, I was never going to drink again,
but before I turned the key in the ignition, it was, well,
I'll just never drink and drive again, you know?
And then six months later I got my second DUI, you know,
and I had changed up the people.
I wasn't hanging out with those people at the circle anymore. You know,
I was hanging out with other coworkers. Um,
and I wasn't hanging out at the same places, but I,
I was still hanging out with me without doing anything.
And I was ready to do some scandalous things with these coworkers that I used to
do with all those other people.
And I was going to have to face them on Monday morning.
And I remember when I went to the bar that night, I had had a plan.
My plan was to have one beer and wait it out.
I was going to just kick it in my car for a few hours. And as soon as I got there,
I said, Jack and Coke, easy Coke.
And I didn't even know how it came out of my mouth.
And as soon as I started drinking, I just knew it was on, you know, I just,
I'm the type of alcoholic. If you be alcoholic like me, we take a drink.
And then that's it, you know,
it's the phenomenon of craving has settled in and I just need more and more and
more. I can be walking around in the middle of a blackout,
knocking on the door of the bar, wondering why they won't let me in.
And it's because it's three o'clock in the morning.
My body still wants more, even when I am not drunk, you know, and,
um, doesn't matter who I make the promises to. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. Um, if I don't do something for me, it's been this,
unless I do that, I'm going to get drunk again. And then what happened was,
I still didn't think that I needed to be sober. Actually, you know,
I was going to the meetings. I started reading the book.
I heard if he did the first three words on page one 12, your life would change.
So I bought the book cause I thought three words versus 12 steps.
I want to see what that is. So I got the book, got mad. I would read the book.
I would throw it every time I got to the word God or higher power.
I know you can read all of chapter. Um, I know you can read all of chapter. Oh,
gosh, chapter three. And, um,
and then it slips it in on you and like the last page, you know,
and you're like, ah, throw it across the room. Um, and so I just,
I just couldn't, I couldn't do the whole God thing. And I,
I was scared because I had heard that I needed the God thing.
The club I was going to said that I was screwed, not as nicely, but you know,
I'm at a podium that I was screwed and I needed God. And, um, and if I,
and if you didn't have one, you're even more screwed kind of thing.
And I didn't know that the 12 steps were to lead me to my higher power of my own
understanding. I didn't hear that part yet. You know, I didn't understand.
I thought I needed God in order to get sober. I didn't know.
I just needed to be willing, you know? And so what happened for me is, um,
a year and a half after that second DUI, um,
the state of California wanted to see me about my teaching credential.
I was like, what? It's been a year and a half. You know,
I thought that was a bit much. Um, at the same time, um,
the people from like the,
the drug education classes are coming in and I was scared they were going to be
able to figure me out. Um, and I just couldn't even like,
period, you know? Um, I just, I just couldn't, I just felt so miserable.
I just was constantly thinking about everything bad that I had ever done or that
was done to me. I thought if this is my life forever,
I can't, I, I can't live this way. You know? And, um,
I was typing up the letter to the credential board trying to say what I was
doing to stay sober. And I realized that whatever I was doing,
I was not even sober, you know? And, um,
I had basically that moment of super moment of clarity there and almost a mental
breakdown because like the letter was due like right then cause that's how I
work. And so I sent off whatever I did and that's when they said, no,
we actually need to see in person now.
And so I had to go up to Sacramento and I just knew that there was no way I was
going to be able to show up sober.
There was no way I was going to be able to show up sober. And, um,
I was trying to stop on my own. And when I tried to stop on my own,
all of a sudden I wasn't stopped anymore. You know,
like I couldn't stay stopped and I didn't understand. So like,
I am college educated. I should be able to figure this out.
And I finally saw by looking at my own experience that it didn't matter how
many meetings I was sitting in. Cause I was sitting in meeting after meeting,
just trying to and hoping that that's all that I needed to do for me.
Sitting at meeting after meeting was not going to work for me.
Reading the book alone was not going to work for me.
I finally heard my God tell me that I was going to have to work the freaking
steps, you know? And I was like, what? So I went to a few meetings.
I had seen some people around the rooms changing and growing.
There was this one person that I had seen when they first came in cause I was
there not hanging out, you know, and, and she had changed so much.
And she had this laugh and I don't know about you,
but I was not laughing anymore.
I would laugh because everyone was laughing and you're supposed to laugh,
but it was not like a real laugh, you know? And I wanted to laugh again.
And I had seen that the people she was working with sponsoring were changing and
growing and starting to laugh. And I wondered what she had. And, um,
and she talked about the book,
like she was talking from the big book because I was reading the book.
So I knew when people were, you know, speaking from the book and you know,
she always would say, um, do you want to go on to the bitter end,
blotting out the intolerable situation as best you can or accept spiritual help,
you know? And I'd be like, I don't know,
but it was finally at the point where I was like, I need the help.
I need the help, you know?
And so I asked her on a Friday night in the parking lot and she just asked me if
I was willing to go in any length to stay sober, you know? And I said, yes,
you know, and she said, um, you know, as she asked me all the things,
so we, that'd be, you know, ask the new person, um,
could you believe that there's a God, you know, kind of thing. And she's like,
well, you're just not God. Can you believe that? You know? And I was like, yeah,
I can believe that, you know? And, um,
she told me that what I found in this book would be better than anything I found
in any bottle or any bag and that it was a guarantee, you know?
And she told me that I wasn't even taking the steps for me.
I was taking the steps for the person coming up behind me. And, um, she said,
but I've, um, I don't know, I, she said a lot of other stuff,
but those are the ones that stand out the most. And I can tell you that it is
true. If you take the steps as outlined in that big book with a sponsor,
your life will change. And for me, um, it's mostly,
it's a lot of stuff on the outside has changed,
but the most important stuff is on the inside that has changed.
Like I do not look at life the way that I used to the way that I react to life
is not the way that I used to, you know,
I have definitely had a spiritual experience as a result of taking that to that,
you know, and the whole God thing is to scare me so much, so much.
But my first sponsor just told me that it's just a three letter word that we put
on something that is unknowing, you know, that is indescribable, you know,
and that's all that it is, you know, use whatever other word you want to use,
but we tend to use God and I've come to use God as well. You know,
I used to say higher power for the longest time or my HP, you know, but, uh,
most of the time I just say God. Um,
so she launched me into a vigorous course of action. I, she said,
do you have a pen and paper? And I said, well,
I got my phone with thinking I was going to put her number and she's all,
you need to go get a pen and paper, you know? And I was like, okay. You know,
when he got a pen and paper and she said,
you need to read these pages every morning, 60 to 63,
you need to memorize a third step prayer. You need to,
you think you're a smart one school teacher.
You can read two chapters a day starting at the doctor's opinion. Um,
you need to be at a meeting every day. You need to have your hand up.
And all I want you to say is you're working on a third step and that's it.
You do not know anything about staying sober. You're there to carry a message of
solution and that's it, what it is. You're working on your third step.
And you need to go down to, um, detox and help somebody.
It's a lot more than a phone number, you know, um, and call her every day.
And I just started doing it.
I just started doing it because I did not want my life to living my life the way
that I was living it anymore. Um,
so I was actually going off of a fake sobriety date at that point too,
saying I had like a year and a half.
I'd even taken a one year chip and all this stuff. And so I left that on her,
on her voicemail or whatever, might even been a message machine. I'm not sure,
but I left it for her a couple of days later. And she was like, called me back,
said, congratulations on your nine days or whatever it was at that point.
And start picking up that newcomer chip, you know,
and I remember she was seemed so excited about it and now I can see why she
probably knew all along. I wasn't really sober, you know? And so, um,
my God, I tell you like up until today,
still that first newcomer chip is the one that means the most to me it's because
I was finally being honest and it just, it touches me to think about all of
those, like just that braveness that we need to stand up and say,
I need this help, you know,
and doing it in front of people that I'd been faking it in front of as well.
Like that was pretty humbling as I look back on it. And, um,
I just started doing what she suggested.
One of the things I would do is write down my number on a little piece of paper
whenever there was female newcomers and just give it to them. No one called,
you know what I mean?
But I was taking the action and going up to them. I would tell people,
I need to read these chapters. My sponsor's making me read.
I'll be here early at five 30, you know, for the six o'clock meeting.
If you want to meet up, you know, knew what I would be there.
Most people didn't show up, you know,
but I was there and I was doing the reading and getting to know people and,
and I just started taking the action and taking the steps and y'all and, um,
the way I was taken through the steps is my experience.
There's no right or wrong way in my opinion to take the steps.
Just take the steps. Right.
And I don't believe that my God at least is not going to say,
you took the steps wrong. You know, now you're going to get drunk.
If I do it honestly and willingly, then that's the best that I can do. Right.
And so, and I did, I followed her direction.
I took those steps and she had me working on my first,
I did my first fifth step at five weeks sober, you know? Oh, actually,
I got to go up to Sacramento following her direction. Right. So I was, um,
three weeks sober, two weeks working with her.
And I went up to the, um, I went up to Sacramento, found them,
found the meetings beforehand, mapped it out.
So I knew where I was going when I went there, came back.
And I remember I drove all the way straight to the meeting that she was at.
You know, there was only like 30 minutes left of the meeting that Friday night,
but I showed up because I knew that I needed to be there, you know?
And she was shocked because of course she was, you know,
and so I showed up and that's when she put me on my fourth step and she told me
I had two weeks to write it. And so I sat with it every day. Like she's, um,
gave me the direction to pray for whatever needed to come up,
to come up in the willingness to put it down. And I just did.
And so two weeks later I sat down and I did that fifth step and I felt
physically hit with the truth about me. Literally.
I could not believe who I really was. I was shocked. So like,
I really thought I would, she said,
do you think you're the innocent little school teacher? Don't you?
And I was like, oh, see, she gets it. And she's all, you're not, you know,
I was like, oh, you know,
and then she like pointed out all the patterns that I couldn't even see.
And she'd be like, well, didn't you say this over here about that? I'm like,
uh huh. But what about you? You know? And it didn't come out like that,
but that's the way I heard it, you know, and it's so true.
Every time I do an inventory,
the biggest thing that comes out is what a bill hypocrite I am such a big
hypocrite expecting everybody to act a certain way when I act the same way or
worse. Right. And so, um, you know, I took that action.
I started the six and seven as it's outlined in the book.
I thought I was going to get a couple of weeks for the eighth step. She said,
it's a list. You got the weekend, you know? And so I got the weekend.
And I just started taking those nights, making those nights step of men.
She said, we don't just surprise people. You need to make an appointment to do it.
You know? And so I would do that.
And I remember the one that I made for my mom, I did it at our local Cocos.
Uh, I remember I had heard from someone else like, you know,
get on your knees and pray before you make the amends.
And I went into the bathroom and I was like,
am I going to get on my knees and pray in this bathroom? And then my God said,
you got on your knees and puked in that toilet. And I was like, oh, okay.
I guess I can't get on my knees and pray. And so I did, you know,
and then I went out and I made that amends and we were crying and,
and I started noticing people wearing, um, like badges, right.
And the SoCal convention was happening across the way from that Cocos.
And that was when, you know, I just totally felt a moment in, um,
all those God shots,
especially when you're newly sober that you're looking for that was definitely
one. Um, and so, you know, some amends went better than others.
I remember my one brother-in-law was like crying. I'd never seen this man cry.
He's been my brother, like in my life since I was seven.
And I had never seen him cry.
And he was crying over the things I put his kids through that I don't think I
even brought up, you know,
or even really put down on my inventory very much as much as it was affecting
him. You know,
when he was talking about a time that his kids were waiting on Christmas to open
up gifts for their aunt Jen to come. And I just didn't, you know,
for way too late. And so, um, I just couldn't even believe that.
And I did not want to be that person ever again.
And that's one of the things about the, um,
that taking steps or doing any kind of work in Alcoholics Anonymous,
the more that I do, the more that I have the willingness to do more, you know?
And so, um, um, you know, I got the,
the 10 step is the one that promises us we're going to recoil from it as if it's
a hot flame. I don't know about you, but that's why I'm here, you know,
so I better make sure that I'm doing that, which I fall short on terribly. Um,
I have been doing a lot of regular reading,
but when I first got sober, I was reading certain pages every day. And, um,
my, I find some reason or another to blame why I can't do that anymore,
you know? And so I do, um, read and I pray, I definitely pray.
I pray all day long.
I was taught from the very beginning to say thy will be done more than you can
think that I will be done. That will be done. That will be done.
Once you say it a few times, say it a few more. And the reason is, you know, um,
our alcohol is in centers in our mind. If this was a bottle of booze,
it's going to sit there until my mind tells me to pick it up.
And so what I need to do is stop this. And if I'm saying that I will be done,
that would be done, that will be done, that will be done.
You can't think of anything else, you know, try it. You know,
you can't have more than that thought in your head.
And so if you're constantly saying that I will be done, then you're, you're,
you're selfish and self centeredness is not going to take over.
And that desire, that thought to go and drink is not going to be there,
you know, just constantly that I will be done. Like I go to a Monday night,
like I said, I have a home group, it's Belfast, our big book group.
There's a big speaker meeting on Monday nights and some of those speakers do not
talk fast enough. They just talk too slowly.
And so I have to sit there and in between their words,
I'm literally saying that I will be done because if I'm not,
I'm not going to be present to listen.
And I'm also going to just be busy thinking about me. And so, um,
that will be done constantly.
And I started helping people from the very beginning by taking, um,
going down to detox. I was told to do that,
which is also a form of doing your third step,
but it's also working on getting started on practicing for that 12 step, you know,
and I started sponsoring when I had about six months. Um, so, you know,
life changed a lot since then, you know, that was, you know,
that was 15 years ago. We're coming up on when I started sponsoring. Um,
I don't have any sponsors from back then, um, with me,
we're not trudging the road together. I'm not with the same sponsor. Um,
at that sponsor, what happened? She, um, made some humongous changes in her life.
Um, she was switching up all her meetings and she told me that she did not know
what to tell me when I kept coming to her, she had nothing else to give.
And so I needed to get a new sponsor and I got very mad.
I was very resentful. Um, and, um,
I knew I needed to get a new sponsor.
So I got this temporary sponsor in between that I didn't really have any
willingness to do anything with. And everyone kept telling me,
go check out Bellflower big book group. And I was like, no, definitely not.
You know, um,
I checked out if AA was a cult before I got sober and Bellflower big book group
would show up. And so I was like, no, I'm not going there. You know? Um,
but as I said, it's my home group, you know, I met up with a person. Um,
someone had given me my,
one of my mentors had given me this person's numbers that she knew a lot of
people in the group.
So I met up with her and her early sobriety matched up with mine because, um,
because I used to think if you weren't taking the steps the way I took them,
then you were doing it wrong. And maybe you tried it my way when I saw you in
detox, but I did not want to think that way anymore.
But I also did not know how not to think that way anymore.
And so the sponsor I got used to think that way and didn't think that way
anymore. And so I need, I knew I needed her to be my sponsor.
So I started taking her directions. First, we were just meeting up.
She said, I just need to see her at one of the meetings once a week.
She did not tell me to come up to Bellflower,
but after meeting with her for a few months, she kept telling me, I just,
I just keep hearing, come to Bellflower, come to Monday night,
come to Monday night.
And I realized that what she was hearing was her God consciousness from
within. And why was I trying to fight this God consciousness?
And so I just did it, you know, totally unwillingly,
but I knew my life was on the line just as much as it was when I first got
sober. So I just started going, you know, and I was not happy.
I felt all types of feelings, mostly self-centered fear.
I did not want to get out of my seat,
but I would try to find someone who looked a little more scared than I was and
go over and talk to them, you know, and put out my hand, um, and,
and do the things. Um, my, I don't know what else is my,
some good experience to share. So, um,
I was always looking for, it seemed like I was always looking for the,
the him and I was not very good at that. Um, I was deaf.
I was terrible at it, honestly. I don't even know what I was doing. Um,
I never had any experience with it. Um, and fast forward,
I realized I wasn't really looking for a partner.
I was just looking for someone to make babies with that's the truth, you know,
cause that's what I wanted. I wanted a family. And so, um, that's,
that's what I really wanted, but it was not happening. It was not working out.
So, um, I finally decided that I was going to try it on my own, you know,
and I reached out to my sponsor about it and she said, let's go for it.
And so I did the first step, which was freezing eggs. Okay.
And then I waited to see if God and his wife's wisdom would play someone in
front of me to do this together with, which they didn't.
So I tried it and it didn't work and I was devastated, devastated.
And for the next year going to baby showers, when it didn't work for me,
I was mad and resentful and distanced myself from my sponsor and my
sponsor said, what is going on?
And what I finally was able to tell her is every time I see what these things
and you say, hi, how are you? And I just say, fine and walk away.
I'm ready to break down and lose it. And so we were able to get honest with,
I was able to get honest with her and you know,
we were able to walk through that thing. God, she's still my sponsor today,
you know? And so I decided to try again.
I decided that the regret of not trying again was worse than the fear
of walking through the letdown.
And so I tried again and I have my five year old waiting for me at home,
you know, it worked. Um, it doesn't always, but with science and you know,
walk, it worked and I decided I wanted to try again and everyone thought it was
crazy. You know, with my first,
I ended up having to be hospitalized after having him five years ago,
right around this time.
Cause my I ended up having super high blood pressure preeclampsia and everyone
from the home group stepped up and kept me company in that hospital with my new
baby. Um, it was amazing. And when I think about it and um,
I tried again and I also have a three and a half year old waiting for me at
home. So that, um, I would many nights,
I would love to use that as an excuse to not do these things. To be honest,
it would be much easier to stay home, stay cozy, go to sleep.
This is way past my bedtime. You know,
they're already sleeping and usually I am too. Um,
but I know my life depends on it. You know, my five year old was like,
I just wish you could stay, you know, and I was like, you know,
that I go to these so I can be a better mom, you know,
so I can be a better work or, you know, um, my,
my little girl goes and be a better friend or something, you know? And I said,
yeah, you guys don't want me growly. I need to come here.
So I'm not growly so that we can keep doing this thing. And then, you know,
the babysitter says, you know,
and my mom goes to these meetings and all types of things like that.
And I'm trying to teach this, uh, the, the spirit of the steps to my kids.
So they're not just saying, they're sorry. They're saying,
what can I do to make it better? You know,
he's already written a couple of men's letters to his teachers and we do it to
each other. We try to take breaks though. This has been a little serious.
I'm trying to use that one on them lately. You know,
I need to go take a breather,
sit on the top step when the things are getting a little crazy in the mornings
as we're trying to get ready for school. And, um, you know, it's rough.
It's rough. It's, um, it's rough trying to live this everywhere.
You know, but it was so much more rough with a drink in my mouth. Right.
You know,
and it was so much worse without the drink trying to keep it out of my
face and going back to it and just being in that constant insanity,
constant insanity. So, um, you know,
if you are stuck in that deep dark hole,
we know what it's like and we know that there is a way out.
We've been there. So if you are ready to get out of that deep dark hole,
grab ahold of someone who's been there and can show you the way. Thank you.