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 Hi, Jennifer alcoholic. I have a sobriety date of August 4th, 2007.

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 I have a sponsor and I have a home group and I'm just here to share what it was

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 like, what happened and what I'm like today. And so, um,

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 it was fun and then it wasn't, and then I wanted to stop, but I couldn't.

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 That's the short version, right? Um, so you go a little bit more detail.

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 Um, so I actually always knew, it feels like I always knew about alcoholism.

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 Um, my dad's family lives back East in Massachusetts and I always heard how bad

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 they all had, you know, had it. And so I always knew it ran in my family.

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 Um, my dad's been sober since before I was born.

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 And I remember learning the serenity prayer and it was just a nice little

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 saying, you know, I remember coming across his, um, AA chips, um,

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 his family from back East got sober and, um,

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 what's in him and AA chips. And I would,

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 I found it when I was like stealing coins out of his ashtray off of his bureau,

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 you know? And so he would tell, he told me about that. And so I,

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 I knew that he had been in, been an alcoholic.

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 I knew that he drank and I knew his stories. So I always knew that that was there.

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 So I was kind of warned about it, but, um, you know,

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 I definitely didn't think it applied to me and I definitely didn't,

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 I couldn't even picture my dad as the alcoholic that I thought an alcoholic

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 looked like. Right. So to me,

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 I always thought the alcoholic was the guy on the street with the trench coat

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 and the alcohol in the bag. I always pictured that as what an alcoholic was.

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 Um, I too can relate to the 10 minute speaker. Thank you for your share. Um,

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 the whole not feeling like part of, not feeling, you know,

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 just feeling different. But, um, I didn't really know what it was.

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 I just was a really big thinker.

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 I don't know if we got any other thinkers in the room,

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 but I would just think and think, and then I think, why am I thinking so much?

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 And I'm talking about like, since before I started kindergarten,

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 I was getting migraines. Um,

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 I remember my mom having to walk me around the apartment complex cause like the

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 second grade homework was stressing me out too much. Like, um,

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 I was just constantly just thinking way too much insomnia,

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 like from that point on even. Um, and that's very lonely when you're like,

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 you know,

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 in second grade and the whole house is asleep and you're awake and you're just

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 thinking, gosh, it was awful. Um,

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 so I basically needed the drink long before I took it, you know, and, um,

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 I didn't take my first drink until I was about 20,

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 which was one of the things that I would compare myself to everybody else in the

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 rooms and here when they were like six drinking behind the dumpster, you know,

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 and I was like that and I can't be one, you know, but, um, you know,

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 so I was about 20 when I had my first drink and even then I remember it was at a

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 party at the, at the beach, um, at the beach house.

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 And I felt kind of cool holding the red cup,

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 but I still didn't feel on the inside the way everybody's outside look like they

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 just all seem to just get it or something, you know,

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 and I just did not feel that feeling.

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 So I did not feel that feeling until I had my first,

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 my first drunk when I turned 21 and I was drinking with people from work.

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 Um, you know, I was falling off at the bar stool, walking into the walls. Um,

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 the girlfriends went home, I kept kicking it with the guys. Um,

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 and I remember I came to the next morning and the girlfriend was in the back

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 room and she was saying, Oh my God, she's laying in her own vomit.

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 And I remember thinking, when can I do this again? You know,

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 when can I do this again?

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 Cause I had finally felt that sense of peace and comfort that comes with taking

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 a few drinks. I just hadn't been drinking enough up until that point. You know,

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 um, I didn't start drinking that like, you know,

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 I didn't start drinking every day all the time. At that point,

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 I drank as much as I could when I could.

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 I found some other substances to keep me occupied. In the meantime, um,

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 I was going to college. Um,

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 I used to say I don't know how I managed to graduate. Well, I do.

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 I lied and cheated. That's how I managed to graduate, you know?

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 So I managed to graduate college. Um, and at that point I,

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 I realized it felt to me like I had been wasting my time.

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 Like what was I doing in college? Just going to work, going to school.

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 I wasn't happy. I needed to be having fun. You know,

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 I was like 23 years old and I needed to get the party going. My sister,

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 I have three sisters. I usually only talk about the, my younger one,

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 probably only going to talk about the younger one again today.

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 We'll see what happens. But, uh, she was old enough to start drinking.

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 And so she had friends already that I didn't have. So there we go. I had it,

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 I was set, you know, and we would be at the bar.

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 There was always a reason to be there. Whether it was,

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 we knew the bartender who poured heavy for us on Monday,

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 Tuesday was two for somewhere, you know, Wednesday I think was a rest day,

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 Thursday it's already the weekend, you know? So there was always a reason to be

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 at the bar and to be drinking. Um, and even back then,

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 like I knew in the back of my mind that my drinking was probably not quite

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 normal, but I was around other people who seem to be drinking the same way I was.

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 So it was easy to write it off. Um, so I became a substitute school teacher.

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 Like I've always known I wanted to be a teacher my whole life.

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 There was a time period I wanted to be an astronaut and then the spaceship blew

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 up. Um, and you know, and my, my nana scared me away from the math. So, um,

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 I was going to be a teacher, so I became a substitute school teacher.

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 And I don't know if, um, if you ever had one of those,

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 but I was definitely one that you're like, something is wrong with this one.

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 You know, that was definitely me.

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 So I used to think that I was hungover when I went to work,

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 but the way I drank, I was definitely still drunk. You know,

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 I was puking at the red lights.

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 I would make sure I had a trash can underneath the teacher's desk, you know,

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 and I would try to wait for the five minute passing period and sometimes I

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 couldn't. So I was politely puking under the podium, you know, and, uh,

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 and I thought, I thought that it was normal. I wrote it off in my head.

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 The alcoholic life became my only normal one. I thought, okay,

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 I'm 24 years old. If all these old teachers, which, oh gosh, I am now, you know,

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 if all these old teachers were as young as me, you know,

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 they would be just as ill in the morning as I am.

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 Like if all my friends didn't have these waitressing jobs that they got to sleep

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 it off, they'd be as thick as I am. Like, I always just found those excuses,

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 right? And just try to make it be okay.

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 I remember one time I was teaching little, um, second graders,

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 I'd shown up late. I was reeking of the Jack Daniels. Um, and I remember like,

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 you know, it was time for lunch and they're like, you gotta walk us out,

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 you know? And I was like, you just gotta go. You just gotta go.

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 And like the last kid didn't make it out in time.

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 And I actually puked on this kid, you know, and then I pretended it was a sneeze.

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 I went, ha-choo, like it was a sneeze.

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 And I didn't follow them out to the lunch line.

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 Like I made them get there on their own.

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 I just crawled over to the book nook and took a nap is what I did, you know?

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 And I remember getting, um,

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 a letter like a week later or something saying that they didn't want me back at

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 that school. And I remember thinking, why?

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 Like I really remember having that thought, why is it?

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 Cause I didn't grade the papers. Like,

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 I think there was bigger problems going on than that, you know? And, um,

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 so I just,

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 so I decided that my problem was that I didn't know if I had a job the next day

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 or not. That's why I kept drinking. Because I, if I didn't know,

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 I had was either calling in to see if I had a job and then if I did it,

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 I just pick up the next drink. Right. And it wasn't even my drink. Let's,

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 let's be clear on that. I was always the hanger on. I would go to the bar.

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 I would try to work the room, get myself a couple of drinks,

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 say thanks for talking for two minutes and walk away. You know,

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 I was not going there to make friends. I was like the purse watcher at that point.

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 I would watch, I would much rather just sit there and watch everyone's purses

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 and get my drink on, you know?

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 And so I was actually sleeping on my dad's couch at the time,

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 sealing his quarters once again,

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 so that I had enough money to get on the bus cause my car had been repossessed.

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 So I could get that first drink, you know? Um,

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 and so I was going to whatever house, you know, the usual, um, party spot.

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 I love that. I call it a party. Like it was like four of us maybe, you know,

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 like, I don't know that it's exactly a party, but that's what it was someday.

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 Some days there was a nice big party there, but I was like,

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 I knew where you stashed your beers that you thought you were hiding that,

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 you know, they weren't being hidden very well and I would drink those. And, um,

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 so yeah, so that's what I was doing. And, um, I,

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 so that was the problem that I didn't know if I had the job the next day.

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 So I decided I needed to go back to school. I got evicted from my house,

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 you know, and that's why I was sleeping on my dad's couch. And, um,

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 and I went back to school.

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 I found a couple other teachers to be that looked like they were drinking like

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 me until I went missing when we were supposed to be drinking together.

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 And they're all, you went off with some guy you said you knew. And I was like,

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 Oh, okay, great. You know, that was a little embarrassing. Um,

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 and those words and comprehensible demoralization, you know, those just,

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 that's just all of my drinking pretty much. Um, I remember asking my,

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 one of my sisters who is not an alcoholic,

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 if she ever had any experiences of incomprehensible demoralization.

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 And I remember her sitting there thinking and thinking and thinking, and she's,

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 Oh, well, there was this one time, but then I had like 10 in my head,

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 you know? And so I was like, okay, we definitely do not drink the same. Um,

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 so I went back to school. I became a, uh, I got my, I became a teacher.

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 I got a job. Now I'm teaching kids who are, um, on probation.

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 I'm teaching kids who are coming straight from juvenile hall.

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 They've got probation officers, you know, and I'm telling them,

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 you can't pass out in my class mainly cause I couldn't.

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 So then you shouldn't be able to either, you know,

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 and I actually remember telling them one time that there are responsible donors

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 out there. Like who says that to high schoolers? Like, you know,

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 who says that? Um,

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 and that was before it even became legal in California.

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 And I'm trying to act like it's okay. Um,

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 and basically I found the teachers that I thought drank like me, you know,

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 I remember being in the, this, this memory came to mind this week. And, um,

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 I remember I was in the teacher's room and someone asked me, so do you drink?

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 And I was like, Oh yeah, I drink. I mean,

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 that was not me holding a nice little bottle of anything.

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 That was the square bottle of Jack that I was throwing back when they asked me.

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 And I remember when I did it, I was like, Oh God, Oh God, did they catch on?

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 Did they see what I was in my head holding and drinking? And you know, um,

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 so I met up with a couple of people and we started, um, the drinking club,

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 we even called it the drinking club, you know,

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 and then I had to even it out by joining a couple other teachers with the book

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 club, but that didn't fix anything either, you know,

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 and I remember, um,

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 there was this big test that you have to take to become a school teacher,

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 you know, and it's like a five hour test and it's all the subjects.

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 And I showed up to the test and I didn't even have a pencil with an eraser.

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 And I was like, what kind of teacher am I going to be?

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 I don't even have an eraser. And of course,

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 all the other teachers to be in my head had like five of those big fat pink ones.

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 And I was not going to ask for one at all.

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 So the whole time I'm taking the test, I'm just thinking,

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 what do you think you are? What, what kind of teacher are you? I need a drink.

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 I need a drink. I need a drink. And so that drink went out. Um,

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 I went to the bar way too early. I was drinking until closing.

194
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 I heard bikers and booze, a few cities over,

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 I was going to find it in my Volkswagen bug. Instead,

196
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 I came to and there was a police officer at my window and I did not know how or

197
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 why or anything, you know? And, um, so that was my, my DUI.

198
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 Um, and they parked my bug. And when I came the next day, like the,

199
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 it was like I was rocking out to static, the radio didn't even work.

200
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 And it was like blasting. And I was like, Oh my gosh. Um,

201
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 so I ended up getting that,

202
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 which meant that I started coming to Alcoholics Anonymous. That's how I came.

203
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 My first AA meeting, um,

204
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 was actually on my sister's court card. I brought her to one. Um,

205
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 and then I ended up getting my own. And so I started coming to meetings.

206
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 I went to the local Alana club. Um,

207
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 I remember sitting there with my sunglasses on outside,

208
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 even after the sunset, my glasses stayed on. I remember the, um,

209
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 going around the circle and everyone's all so-and-so alcoholic.

210
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 And I was just Jennifer.

211
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 And then one time I accidentally said Jennifer alcoholic and everyone got so

212
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 excited. And I was like, that was seriously a mistake.

213
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 I did not go back to that meeting. Um, and you know, I,

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 I just, I heard that if you were laughing, that meant you were relating.

215
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 So I just tried to stop laughing, but I was, I was definitely relating.

216
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 I could hear in their stories, like something that I could relate to,

217
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 but I was, like I said, looking for those differences. They were this,

218
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,600
 they were that old when they started,

219
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:23,440
 they don't have a professional job like I do, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know,

220
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:27,640
 I hadn't been to jail cause of course that DUI doesn't count. Right. You know,

221
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:31,280
 so it was all of those things looking for differences instead of the

222
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,000
 similarities. So, um, I was, uh,

223
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,880
 I had to do some community service with that first DUI,

224
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:40,000
 which I thought that judge was a bit extreme making me have to do this.

225
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:43,520
 So I was doing that in lieu of jail time. Um,

226
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:46,640
 and I was at the Goodwill hanging up clothes. Um,

227
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,840
 but I was going out to my car and getting it on every couple of hours at break

228
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:53,280
 time anyways, and coming back. And so it wasn't actually too bad, you know,

229
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,400
 a little break from work.

230
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:59,400
 And I remember I came back for graduation and I found out that one of my former

231
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,600
 students had died in a drunk driving accident and she wasn't even the driver.

232
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:06,480
 And I was just like, Oh my God, I can, I can never drink and drive again.

233
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:10,120
 I can never drink and drive again. You know? And, um, you know,

234
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,120
 but first it was, I was never going to drink again,

235
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,520
 but before I turned the key in the ignition, it was, well,

236
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,800
 I'll just never drink and drive again, you know?

237
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,880
 And then six months later I got my second DUI, you know,

238
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:21,160
 and I had changed up the people.

239
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,760
 I wasn't hanging out with those people at the circle anymore. You know,

240
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,040
 I was hanging out with other coworkers. Um,

241
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:30,000
 and I wasn't hanging out at the same places, but I,

242
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,760
 I was still hanging out with me without doing anything.

243
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:37,680
 And I was ready to do some scandalous things with these coworkers that I used to

244
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,000
 do with all those other people.

245
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,040
 And I was going to have to face them on Monday morning.

246
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:45,120
 And I remember when I went to the bar that night, I had had a plan.

247
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:47,200
 My plan was to have one beer and wait it out.

248
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:50,640
 I was going to just kick it in my car for a few hours. And as soon as I got there,

249
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,120
 I said, Jack and Coke, easy Coke.

250
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,800
 And I didn't even know how it came out of my mouth.

251
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,120
 And as soon as I started drinking, I just knew it was on, you know, I just,

252
00:13:57,120 --> 00:14:01,400
 I'm the type of alcoholic. If you be alcoholic like me, we take a drink.

253
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,240
 And then that's it, you know,

254
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:07,120
 it's the phenomenon of craving has settled in and I just need more and more and

255
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,120
 more. I can be walking around in the middle of a blackout,

256
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:13,040
 knocking on the door of the bar, wondering why they won't let me in.

257
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:14,560
 And it's because it's three o'clock in the morning.

258
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:19,400
 My body still wants more, even when I am not drunk, you know, and,

259
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,520
 um, doesn't matter who I make the promises to. It doesn't matter.

260
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:28,440
 It doesn't matter. Um, if I don't do something for me, it's been this,

261
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:32,800
 unless I do that, I'm going to get drunk again. And then what happened was,

262
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:36,320
 I still didn't think that I needed to be sober. Actually, you know,

263
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:39,200
 I was going to the meetings. I started reading the book.

264
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:43,680
 I heard if he did the first three words on page one 12, your life would change.

265
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:47,120
 So I bought the book cause I thought three words versus 12 steps.

266
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:51,440
 I want to see what that is. So I got the book, got mad. I would read the book.

267
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:54,360
 I would throw it every time I got to the word God or higher power.

268
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:59,600
 I know you can read all of chapter. Um, I know you can read all of chapter. Oh,

269
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,920
 gosh, chapter three. And, um,

270
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,280
 and then it slips it in on you and like the last page, you know,

271
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:09,480
 and you're like, ah, throw it across the room. Um, and so I just,

272
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,400
 I just couldn't, I couldn't do the whole God thing. And I,

273
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,560
 I was scared because I had heard that I needed the God thing.

274
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:19,480
 The club I was going to said that I was screwed, not as nicely, but you know,

275
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:24,480
 I'm at a podium that I was screwed and I needed God. And, um, and if I,

276
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,080
 and if you didn't have one, you're even more screwed kind of thing.

277
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:31,840
 And I didn't know that the 12 steps were to lead me to my higher power of my own

278
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:35,680
 understanding. I didn't hear that part yet. You know, I didn't understand.

279
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:40,320
 I thought I needed God in order to get sober. I didn't know.

280
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:43,800
 I just needed to be willing, you know? And so what happened for me is, um,

281
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,880
 a year and a half after that second DUI, um,

282
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,920
 the state of California wanted to see me about my teaching credential.

283
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,280
 I was like, what? It's been a year and a half. You know,

284
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:56,480
 I thought that was a bit much. Um, at the same time, um,

285
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,200
 the people from like the,

286
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,520
 the drug education classes are coming in and I was scared they were going to be

287
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:06,440
 able to figure me out. Um, and I just couldn't even like,

288
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:11,320
 period, you know? Um, I just, I just couldn't, I just felt so miserable.

289
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:15,280
 I just was constantly thinking about everything bad that I had ever done or that

290
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:19,120
 was done to me. I thought if this is my life forever,

291
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:23,160
 I can't, I, I can't live this way. You know? And, um,

292
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:26,840
 I was typing up the letter to the credential board trying to say what I was

293
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:31,080
 doing to stay sober. And I realized that whatever I was doing,

294
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,600
 I was not even sober, you know? And, um,

295
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:38,280
 I had basically that moment of super moment of clarity there and almost a mental

296
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,760
 breakdown because like the letter was due like right then cause that's how I

297
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,720
 work. And so I sent off whatever I did and that's when they said, no,

298
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,200
 we actually need to see in person now.

299
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:50,400
 And so I had to go up to Sacramento and I just knew that there was no way I was

300
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:51,840
 going to be able to show up sober.

301
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:55,680
 There was no way I was going to be able to show up sober. And, um,

302
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,760
 I was trying to stop on my own. And when I tried to stop on my own,

303
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:02,960
 all of a sudden I wasn't stopped anymore. You know,

304
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:06,520
 like I couldn't stay stopped and I didn't understand. So like,

305
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:10,840
 I am college educated. I should be able to figure this out.

306
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:14,560
 And I finally saw by looking at my own experience that it didn't matter how

307
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:17,800
 many meetings I was sitting in. Cause I was sitting in meeting after meeting,

308
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:21,840
 just trying to and hoping that that's all that I needed to do for me.

309
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,560
 Sitting at meeting after meeting was not going to work for me.

310
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,800
 Reading the book alone was not going to work for me.

311
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:30,680
 I finally heard my God tell me that I was going to have to work the freaking

312
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:35,080
 steps, you know? And I was like, what? So I went to a few meetings.

313
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:39,400
 I had seen some people around the rooms changing and growing.

314
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,480
 There was this one person that I had seen when they first came in cause I was

315
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:46,840
 there not hanging out, you know, and, and she had changed so much.

316
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,280
 And she had this laugh and I don't know about you,

317
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:50,600
 but I was not laughing anymore.

318
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,120
 I would laugh because everyone was laughing and you're supposed to laugh,

319
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:57,080
 but it was not like a real laugh, you know? And I wanted to laugh again.

320
00:17:57,080 --> 00:18:01,520
 And I had seen that the people she was working with sponsoring were changing and

321
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:05,920
 growing and starting to laugh. And I wondered what she had. And, um,

322
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:07,760
 and she talked about the book,

323
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:11,080
 like she was talking from the big book because I was reading the book.

324
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:15,400
 So I knew when people were, you know, speaking from the book and you know,

325
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,440
 she always would say, um, do you want to go on to the bitter end,

326
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:22,840
 blotting out the intolerable situation as best you can or accept spiritual help,

327
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,040
 you know? And I'd be like, I don't know,

328
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:29,120
 but it was finally at the point where I was like, I need the help.

329
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,360
 I need the help, you know?

330
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:34,480
 And so I asked her on a Friday night in the parking lot and she just asked me if

331
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,640
 I was willing to go in any length to stay sober, you know? And I said, yes,

332
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:41,040
 you know, and she said, um, you know, as she asked me all the things,

333
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:44,200
 so we, that'd be, you know, ask the new person, um,

334
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:47,840
 could you believe that there's a God, you know, kind of thing. And she's like,

335
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,640
 well, you're just not God. Can you believe that? You know? And I was like, yeah,

336
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,640
 I can believe that, you know? And, um,

337
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,360
 she told me that what I found in this book would be better than anything I found

338
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:58,600
 in any bottle or any bag and that it was a guarantee, you know?

339
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,920
 And she told me that I wasn't even taking the steps for me.

340
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:05,040
 I was taking the steps for the person coming up behind me. And, um, she said,

341
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,920
 but I've, um, I don't know, I, she said a lot of other stuff,

342
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:11,960
 but those are the ones that stand out the most. And I can tell you that it is

343
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:15,560
 true. If you take the steps as outlined in that big book with a sponsor,

344
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:19,080
 your life will change. And for me, um, it's mostly,

345
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:20,840
 it's a lot of stuff on the outside has changed,

346
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,560
 but the most important stuff is on the inside that has changed.

347
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:27,320
 Like I do not look at life the way that I used to the way that I react to life

348
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,320
 is not the way that I used to, you know,

349
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,400
 I have definitely had a spiritual experience as a result of taking that to that,

350
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:36,440
 you know, and the whole God thing is to scare me so much, so much.

351
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:40,480
 But my first sponsor just told me that it's just a three letter word that we put

352
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,640
 on something that is unknowing, you know, that is indescribable, you know,

353
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,880
 and that's all that it is, you know, use whatever other word you want to use,

354
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:51,360
 but we tend to use God and I've come to use God as well. You know,

355
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:55,720
 I used to say higher power for the longest time or my HP, you know, but, uh,

356
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,680
 most of the time I just say God. Um,

357
00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:00,480
 so she launched me into a vigorous course of action. I, she said,

358
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,160
 do you have a pen and paper? And I said, well,

359
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,480
 I got my phone with thinking I was going to put her number and she's all,

360
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,200
 you need to go get a pen and paper, you know? And I was like, okay. You know,

361
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,680
 when he got a pen and paper and she said,

362
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,200
 you need to read these pages every morning, 60 to 63,

363
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:14,280
 you need to memorize a third step prayer. You need to,

364
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:15,960
 you think you're a smart one school teacher.

365
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,360
 You can read two chapters a day starting at the doctor's opinion. Um,

366
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,880
 you need to be at a meeting every day. You need to have your hand up.

367
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:25,040
 And all I want you to say is you're working on a third step and that's it.

368
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:29,440
 You do not know anything about staying sober. You're there to carry a message of

369
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:32,240
 solution and that's it, what it is. You're working on your third step.

370
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:36,080
 And you need to go down to, um, detox and help somebody.

371
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,600
 It's a lot more than a phone number, you know, um, and call her every day.

372
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:40,920
 And I just started doing it.

373
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:46,080
 I just started doing it because I did not want my life to living my life the way

374
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,520
 that I was living it anymore. Um,

375
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:52,480
 so I was actually going off of a fake sobriety date at that point too,

376
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,280
 saying I had like a year and a half.

377
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:58,240
 I'd even taken a one year chip and all this stuff. And so I left that on her,

378
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:02,160
 on her voicemail or whatever, might even been a message machine. I'm not sure,

379
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,720
 but I left it for her a couple of days later. And she was like, called me back,

380
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:09,680
 said, congratulations on your nine days or whatever it was at that point.

381
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:12,440
 And start picking up that newcomer chip, you know,

382
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,920
 and I remember she was seemed so excited about it and now I can see why she

383
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:20,120
 probably knew all along. I wasn't really sober, you know? And so, um,

384
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,760
 my God, I tell you like up until today,

385
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:27,760
 still that first newcomer chip is the one that means the most to me it's because

386
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:33,240
 I was finally being honest and it just, it touches me to think about all of

387
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:37,520
 those, like just that braveness that we need to stand up and say,

388
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:39,040
 I need this help, you know,

389
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:42,760
 and doing it in front of people that I'd been faking it in front of as well.

390
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:46,120
 Like that was pretty humbling as I look back on it. And, um,

391
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:48,040
 I just started doing what she suggested.

392
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:52,200
 One of the things I would do is write down my number on a little piece of paper

393
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:56,040
 whenever there was female newcomers and just give it to them. No one called,

394
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:56,640
 you know what I mean?

395
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:59,720
 But I was taking the action and going up to them. I would tell people,

396
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,520
 I need to read these chapters. My sponsor's making me read.

397
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:06,280
 I'll be here early at five 30, you know, for the six o'clock meeting.

398
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:08,800
 If you want to meet up, you know, knew what I would be there.

399
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,480
 Most people didn't show up, you know,

400
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,560
 but I was there and I was doing the reading and getting to know people and,

401
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:17,440
 and I just started taking the action and taking the steps and y'all and, um,

402
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:20,160
 the way I was taken through the steps is my experience.

403
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:23,520
 There's no right or wrong way in my opinion to take the steps.

404
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,200
 Just take the steps. Right.

405
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:28,440
 And I don't believe that my God at least is not going to say,

406
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,880
 you took the steps wrong. You know, now you're going to get drunk.

407
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:35,800
 If I do it honestly and willingly, then that's the best that I can do. Right.

408
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:37,760
 And so, and I did, I followed her direction.

409
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:41,680
 I took those steps and she had me working on my first,

410
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:45,440
 I did my first fifth step at five weeks sober, you know? Oh, actually,

411
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:49,960
 I got to go up to Sacramento following her direction. Right. So I was, um,

412
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:53,240
 three weeks sober, two weeks working with her.

413
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:58,000
 And I went up to the, um, I went up to Sacramento, found them,

414
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,080
 found the meetings beforehand, mapped it out.

415
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,040
 So I knew where I was going when I went there, came back.

416
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:06,040
 And I remember I drove all the way straight to the meeting that she was at.

417
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,600
 You know, there was only like 30 minutes left of the meeting that Friday night,

418
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,880
 but I showed up because I knew that I needed to be there, you know?

419
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:14,480
 And she was shocked because of course she was, you know,

420
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:17,960
 and so I showed up and that's when she put me on my fourth step and she told me

421
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,880
 I had two weeks to write it. And so I sat with it every day. Like she's, um,

422
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:24,880
 gave me the direction to pray for whatever needed to come up,

423
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,720
 to come up in the willingness to put it down. And I just did.

424
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:31,160
 And so two weeks later I sat down and I did that fifth step and I felt

425
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,520
 physically hit with the truth about me. Literally.

426
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:36,760
 I could not believe who I really was. I was shocked. So like,

427
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,040
 I really thought I would, she said,

428
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:39,840
 do you think you're the innocent little school teacher? Don't you?

429
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:41,920
 And I was like, oh, see, she gets it. And she's all, you're not, you know,

430
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,240
 I was like, oh, you know,

431
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,480
 and then she like pointed out all the patterns that I couldn't even see.

432
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,480
 And she'd be like, well, didn't you say this over here about that? I'm like,

433
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:52,400
 uh huh. But what about you? You know? And it didn't come out like that,

434
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:54,920
 but that's the way I heard it, you know, and it's so true.

435
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:56,280
 Every time I do an inventory,

436
00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:00,600
 the biggest thing that comes out is what a bill hypocrite I am such a big

437
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:04,840
 hypocrite expecting everybody to act a certain way when I act the same way or

438
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,320
 worse. Right. And so, um, you know, I took that action.

439
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:11,520
 I started the six and seven as it's outlined in the book.

440
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,560
 I thought I was going to get a couple of weeks for the eighth step. She said,

441
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:17,680
 it's a list. You got the weekend, you know? And so I got the weekend.

442
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,720
 And I just started taking those nights, making those nights step of men.

443
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,880
 She said, we don't just surprise people. You need to make an appointment to do it.

444
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:26,160
 You know? And so I would do that.

445
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:30,080
 And I remember the one that I made for my mom, I did it at our local Cocos.

446
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,360
 Uh, I remember I had heard from someone else like, you know,

447
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:35,720
 get on your knees and pray before you make the amends.

448
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:37,480
 And I went into the bathroom and I was like,

449
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:41,400
 am I going to get on my knees and pray in this bathroom? And then my God said,

450
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:45,440
 you got on your knees and puked in that toilet. And I was like, oh, okay.

451
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,480
 I guess I can't get on my knees and pray. And so I did, you know,

452
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,800
 and then I went out and I made that amends and we were crying and,

453
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:54,360
 and I started noticing people wearing, um, like badges, right.

454
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:58,600
 And the SoCal convention was happening across the way from that Cocos.

455
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:02,360
 And that was when, you know, I just totally felt a moment in, um,

456
00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:03,160
 all those God shots,

457
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,440
 especially when you're newly sober that you're looking for that was definitely

458
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:10,680
 one. Um, and so, you know, some amends went better than others.

459
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:15,360
 I remember my one brother-in-law was like crying. I'd never seen this man cry.

460
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,320
 He's been my brother, like in my life since I was seven.

461
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:20,240
 And I had never seen him cry.

462
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:24,280
 And he was crying over the things I put his kids through that I don't think I

463
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:25,560
 even brought up, you know,

464
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:30,040
 or even really put down on my inventory very much as much as it was affecting

465
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:30,880
 him. You know,

466
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:34,840
 when he was talking about a time that his kids were waiting on Christmas to open

467
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:38,880
 up gifts for their aunt Jen to come. And I just didn't, you know,

468
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:43,400
 for way too late. And so, um, I just couldn't even believe that.

469
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,880
 And I did not want to be that person ever again.

470
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:48,880
 And that's one of the things about the, um,

471
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:52,560
 that taking steps or doing any kind of work in Alcoholics Anonymous,

472
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:56,960
 the more that I do, the more that I have the willingness to do more, you know?

473
00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:00,240
 And so, um, um, you know, I got the,

474
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:03,280
 the 10 step is the one that promises us we're going to recoil from it as if it's

475
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:06,160
 a hot flame. I don't know about you, but that's why I'm here, you know,

476
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:10,520
 so I better make sure that I'm doing that, which I fall short on terribly. Um,

477
00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:13,400
 I have been doing a lot of regular reading,

478
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:18,320
 but when I first got sober, I was reading certain pages every day. And, um,

479
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:22,600
 my, I find some reason or another to blame why I can't do that anymore,

480
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:26,960
 you know? And so I do, um, read and I pray, I definitely pray.

481
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:28,280
 I pray all day long.

482
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:32,400
 I was taught from the very beginning to say thy will be done more than you can

483
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,120
 think that I will be done. That will be done. That will be done.

484
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:39,640
 Once you say it a few times, say it a few more. And the reason is, you know, um,

485
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,920
 our alcohol is in centers in our mind. If this was a bottle of booze,

486
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,080
 it's going to sit there until my mind tells me to pick it up.

487
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:49,800
 And so what I need to do is stop this. And if I'm saying that I will be done,

488
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,040
 that would be done, that will be done, that will be done.

489
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:54,720
 You can't think of anything else, you know, try it. You know,

490
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,360
 you can't have more than that thought in your head.

491
00:26:57,360 --> 00:27:00,800
 And so if you're constantly saying that I will be done, then you're, you're,

492
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:03,520
 you're selfish and self centeredness is not going to take over.

493
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:07,320
 And that desire, that thought to go and drink is not going to be there,

494
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:10,840
 you know, just constantly that I will be done. Like I go to a Monday night,

495
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,840
 like I said, I have a home group, it's Belfast, our big book group.

496
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:18,160
 There's a big speaker meeting on Monday nights and some of those speakers do not

497
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:21,200
 talk fast enough. They just talk too slowly.

498
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,200
 And so I have to sit there and in between their words,

499
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,960
 I'm literally saying that I will be done because if I'm not,

500
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:29,520
 I'm not going to be present to listen.

501
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:33,360
 And I'm also going to just be busy thinking about me. And so, um,

502
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:35,080
 that will be done constantly.

503
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:38,440
 And I started helping people from the very beginning by taking, um,

504
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,440
 going down to detox. I was told to do that,

505
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:42,920
 which is also a form of doing your third step,

506
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:47,080
 but it's also working on getting started on practicing for that 12 step, you know,

507
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:51,200
 and I started sponsoring when I had about six months. Um, so, you know,

508
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:54,320
 life changed a lot since then, you know, that was, you know,

509
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:58,280
 that was 15 years ago. We're coming up on when I started sponsoring. Um,

510
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,840
 I don't have any sponsors from back then, um, with me,

511
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:05,200
 we're not trudging the road together. I'm not with the same sponsor. Um,

512
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:09,280
 at that sponsor, what happened? She, um, made some humongous changes in her life.

513
00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:14,280
 Um, she was switching up all her meetings and she told me that she did not know

514
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:17,280
 what to tell me when I kept coming to her, she had nothing else to give.

515
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:20,600
 And so I needed to get a new sponsor and I got very mad.

516
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:24,360
 I was very resentful. Um, and, um,

517
00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:26,120
 I knew I needed to get a new sponsor.

518
00:28:26,120 --> 00:28:28,520
 So I got this temporary sponsor in between that I didn't really have any

519
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,760
 willingness to do anything with. And everyone kept telling me,

520
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:34,080
 go check out Bellflower big book group. And I was like, no, definitely not.

521
00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:34,840
 You know, um,

522
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:38,840
 I checked out if AA was a cult before I got sober and Bellflower big book group

523
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:42,080
 would show up. And so I was like, no, I'm not going there. You know? Um,

524
00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:46,240
 but as I said, it's my home group, you know, I met up with a person. Um,

525
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:47,360
 someone had given me my,

526
00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:50,080
 one of my mentors had given me this person's numbers that she knew a lot of

527
00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:51,000
 people in the group.

528
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:55,360
 So I met up with her and her early sobriety matched up with mine because, um,

529
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:59,400
 because I used to think if you weren't taking the steps the way I took them,

530
00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:02,840
 then you were doing it wrong. And maybe you tried it my way when I saw you in

531
00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:05,800
 detox, but I did not want to think that way anymore.

532
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:09,120
 But I also did not know how not to think that way anymore.

533
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:13,680
 And so the sponsor I got used to think that way and didn't think that way

534
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:16,760
 anymore. And so I need, I knew I needed her to be my sponsor.

535
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:19,400
 So I started taking her directions. First, we were just meeting up.

536
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:21,680
 She said, I just need to see her at one of the meetings once a week.

537
00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:24,200
 She did not tell me to come up to Bellflower,

538
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:28,680
 but after meeting with her for a few months, she kept telling me, I just,

539
00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:31,120
 I just keep hearing, come to Bellflower, come to Monday night,

540
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:31,960
 come to Monday night.

541
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:37,000
 And I realized that what she was hearing was her God consciousness from

542
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,960
 within. And why was I trying to fight this God consciousness?

543
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:45,680
 And so I just did it, you know, totally unwillingly,

544
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:49,720
 but I knew my life was on the line just as much as it was when I first got

545
00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:53,560
 sober. So I just started going, you know, and I was not happy.

546
00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:57,560
 I felt all types of feelings, mostly self-centered fear.

547
00:29:57,560 --> 00:29:59,200
 I did not want to get out of my seat,

548
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:01,600
 but I would try to find someone who looked a little more scared than I was and

549
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:05,520
 go over and talk to them, you know, and put out my hand, um, and,

550
00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:09,200
 and do the things. Um, my, I don't know what else is my,

551
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,880
 some good experience to share. So, um,

552
00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:16,040
 I was always looking for, it seemed like I was always looking for the,

553
00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:20,840
 the him and I was not very good at that. Um, I was deaf.

554
00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:23,880
 I was terrible at it, honestly. I don't even know what I was doing. Um,

555
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:27,280
 I never had any experience with it. Um, and fast forward,

556
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:29,160
 I realized I wasn't really looking for a partner.

557
00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:32,200
 I was just looking for someone to make babies with that's the truth, you know,

558
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:35,880
 cause that's what I wanted. I wanted a family. And so, um, that's,

559
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:39,400
 that's what I really wanted, but it was not happening. It was not working out.

560
00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:44,040
 So, um, I finally decided that I was going to try it on my own, you know,

561
00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:47,520
 and I reached out to my sponsor about it and she said, let's go for it.

562
00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:49,840
 And so I did the first step, which was freezing eggs. Okay.

563
00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:53,480
 And then I waited to see if God and his wife's wisdom would play someone in

564
00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:56,160
 front of me to do this together with, which they didn't.

565
00:30:56,280 --> 00:31:00,400
 So I tried it and it didn't work and I was devastated, devastated.

566
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:04,200
 And for the next year going to baby showers, when it didn't work for me,

567
00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:08,920
 I was mad and resentful and distanced myself from my sponsor and my

568
00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:11,040
 sponsor said, what is going on?

569
00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:14,800
 And what I finally was able to tell her is every time I see what these things

570
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:17,960
 and you say, hi, how are you? And I just say, fine and walk away.

571
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:22,320
 I'm ready to break down and lose it. And so we were able to get honest with,

572
00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:25,240
 I was able to get honest with her and you know,

573
00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:28,280
 we were able to walk through that thing. God, she's still my sponsor today,

574
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:30,400
 you know? And so I decided to try again.

575
00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:35,480
 I decided that the regret of not trying again was worse than the fear

576
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:37,360
 of walking through the letdown.

577
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:41,680
 And so I tried again and I have my five year old waiting for me at home,

578
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:45,880
 you know, it worked. Um, it doesn't always, but with science and you know,

579
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:50,000
 walk, it worked and I decided I wanted to try again and everyone thought it was

580
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:51,960
 crazy. You know, with my first,

581
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:55,360
 I ended up having to be hospitalized after having him five years ago,

582
00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:56,200
 right around this time.

583
00:31:56,200 --> 00:32:00,280
 Cause my I ended up having super high blood pressure preeclampsia and everyone

584
00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:03,480
 from the home group stepped up and kept me company in that hospital with my new

585
00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:06,600
 baby. Um, it was amazing. And when I think about it and um,

586
00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:09,040
 I tried again and I also have a three and a half year old waiting for me at

587
00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:12,160
 home. So that, um, I would many nights,

588
00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:15,240
 I would love to use that as an excuse to not do these things. To be honest,

589
00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:18,320
 it would be much easier to stay home, stay cozy, go to sleep.

590
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:20,240
 This is way past my bedtime. You know,

591
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:22,720
 they're already sleeping and usually I am too. Um,

592
00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:26,800
 but I know my life depends on it. You know, my five year old was like,

593
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:29,920
 I just wish you could stay, you know, and I was like, you know,

594
00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:32,400
 that I go to these so I can be a better mom, you know,

595
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:35,560
 so I can be a better work or, you know, um, my,

596
00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:38,720
 my little girl goes and be a better friend or something, you know? And I said,

597
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:41,240
 yeah, you guys don't want me growly. I need to come here.

598
00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:45,080
 So I'm not growly so that we can keep doing this thing. And then, you know,

599
00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:46,320
 the babysitter says, you know,

600
00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:49,040
 and my mom goes to these meetings and all types of things like that.

601
00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:53,200
 And I'm trying to teach this, uh, the, the spirit of the steps to my kids.

602
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:55,280
 So they're not just saying, they're sorry. They're saying,

603
00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:57,120
 what can I do to make it better? You know,

604
00:32:57,120 --> 00:33:01,800
 he's already written a couple of men's letters to his teachers and we do it to

605
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:04,240
 each other. We try to take breaks though. This has been a little serious.

606
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:06,040
 I'm trying to use that one on them lately. You know,

607
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:07,120
 I need to go take a breather,

608
00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:10,360
 sit on the top step when the things are getting a little crazy in the mornings

609
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:14,000
 as we're trying to get ready for school. And, um, you know, it's rough.

610
00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:18,680
 It's rough. It's, um, it's rough trying to live this everywhere.

611
00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:22,120
 You know, but it was so much more rough with a drink in my mouth. Right.

612
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:22,800
 You know,

613
00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:27,680
 and it was so much worse without the drink trying to keep it out of my

614
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:31,600
 face and going back to it and just being in that constant insanity,

615
00:33:31,600 --> 00:33:34,560
 constant insanity. So, um, you know,

616
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:37,320
 if you are stuck in that deep dark hole,

617
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:41,640
 we know what it's like and we know that there is a way out.

618
00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:46,160
 We've been there. So if you are ready to get out of that deep dark hole,

619
00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:48,960
 grab ahold of someone who's been there and can show you the way. Thank you.