1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,620 - My name is Kirk West, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,620 --> 00:00:04,620 Thank you to Ben for asking me out 3 00:00:04,620 --> 00:00:06,100 to participate in my own sobriety, 4 00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:08,240 but apparently he's asking everybody that I know 5 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:11,100 that 15 guys have come before me. 6 00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:12,840 So what does that tell you? 7 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,160 Ish is a real kind and gentle soul. 8 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:18,040 I met him when he first got sober at the USRI meeting, 9 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:20,400 was leading the meeting the night that he showed up. 10 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:21,940 It's a problem in discussion meeting. 11 00:00:21,940 --> 00:00:23,300 And I could tell he had a problem. 12 00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:25,980 And he's still, as you can tell, got a few now. 13 00:00:25,980 --> 00:00:29,560 And I called on him and he shared at that time 14 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:31,600 from the heart 'cause he was hurting. 15 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,420 And that was real genuine to me. 16 00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:35,040 And he's always considerate of me 17 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:36,120 and everybody in the group. 18 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,120 And so I'm honored to have him as a friend 19 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:39,760 and glad that he's leading this meeting. 20 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:43,160 You know, it's 2024 and I have all the highfalutin phones 21 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:44,200 and computers and all that stuff. 22 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:45,320 I just know how to work them. 23 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:47,600 And I punched in the wrong address to this meeting hall, 24 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:48,920 which I've been at a hundred times, 25 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:51,760 not a hundred, a few times, maybe twice. 26 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,200 And the thing's taking me off the camera bill 27 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,000 and I call Ish and I said, 28 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,140 "Hey, can you text me the address?" 29 00:00:59,140 --> 00:01:00,160 And he texted to me. 30 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,480 And he said, "I'm pissed off at the world. 31 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:04,800 It's not my fault. 32 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,280 I'm angry at myself 'cause I feel real stupid." 33 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,260 And in my life, I always felt stupid. 34 00:01:09,260 --> 00:01:11,560 So I drank, I didn't feel so stupid when I was drunk. 35 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:12,560 Acted stupid. 36 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:14,240 And so I said, "I need to calm down 37 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,800 because now I'm hitting every light to get here 38 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:16,640 and I don't wanna be late 39 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,040 'cause you should be here a half hour ahead." 40 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:19,320 'Cause I was trained pretty well. 41 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:20,460 And the lights are hitting, 42 00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:22,640 this person's going slow and it's raining. 43 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,160 So I push on the Beatles. 44 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,560 I grew up with the Beatles and I push on their station 45 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:28,120 and nowhere man is playing. 46 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:29,720 And I feel like a nowhere man. 47 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:31,920 So at the top of my lungs, I'm singing in my car 48 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,680 and I feel better and I arrive. 49 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,560 I was at Ish and I and a bunch of us 50 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:40,060 were at the sobriety capital of the world last night 51 00:01:40,060 --> 00:01:40,900 in India. 52 00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:43,040 I know it's sobriety capital of the world 53 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,760 'cause they have a sign that says sobriety capital of the world 54 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,920 and anything that's on the internet 55 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:49,600 or on a sign has gotta be true. 56 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:51,080 So, but we had a great time. 57 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,200 49 of us, 49 or 39? 58 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:57,080 Maybe 39 went from some meetings that we go to 59 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,760 and all met there and all got to speak for a minute 60 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:01,320 in order of sobriety. 61 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:05,760 And it's, in my heart, I feel as a human being today 62 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:07,520 and I never felt that way, I'm not strong. 63 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,560 My sobriety date is July 23rd, 1984. 64 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:13,160 My sponsor is Tom B. 65 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,400 And my home group is USR Men's Recovery. 66 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,480 I mean, men's stay on Thursday night. 67 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:22,680 And I have a kinship, I think, or a familiarity 68 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:27,200 or a relationship with this group here about 36 years ago. 69 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,600 My sponsor, Chuck A., we sat in his living room 70 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:32,240 and we decided we were gonna start a meeting in a group. 71 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,800 And I was sitting there and we were going 72 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:35,640 around the living room with a guy named Mike Kelly. 73 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:38,520 And I don't know if Mike Kelly's still alive, I don't know. 74 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,160 He said, we were trying to come up with a name 75 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,560 and he said, "What about license session?" 76 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,760 And I find it very offensive when you guys say Lyft, 77 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:46,080 but that's okay, that's me, I'm kinda weird that way. 78 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:49,240 But anyway, and I thought, what a great name for a meeting. 79 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:50,880 To just give you an idea how I drank, 80 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:54,320 when I was a youth, my mother passed away 81 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,800 in my father's bed when I was six months old. 82 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,120 Now, I don't think that adversely affected me at that time, 83 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:00,360 but I know it did throughout life 84 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:01,560 and that's not why I drank. 85 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,200 I know it really adversely affected my father. 86 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:05,800 And I knew my father could never get in touch 87 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,120 with his emotions. 88 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,800 And because of that, I don't think, you know, 89 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,040 I don't think that really matters. 90 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:13,800 But my father, I never, 91 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,080 the house that we lived in was never good enough. 92 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:18,240 The clothes that they put on me were never nice enough. 93 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,640 The cars that they drove were not cool enough. 94 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:23,320 And if I saw a cool guy at school, I wanted to be that guy. 95 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,280 I didn't know who I was, I didn't know what to do. 96 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:29,440 And I got kicked out of church, what's it called? 97 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,200 Sunday school, first time I ever went. 98 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:32,920 I got kicked out 'cause I was talking. 99 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,200 We moved around a lot as a kid and I hated that. 100 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,000 'Cause you always gotta reform 101 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,760 whatever you think your personality is 102 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,240 at each place that you end up. 103 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:44,200 And I found it real quickly that if I was the funny man 104 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,760 or I caused problems and all the attention was on me, 105 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,120 I got some attention, whether it was negative or positive. 106 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:50,480 And we moved around a lot. 107 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:51,360 I didn't like that. 108 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:54,120 I discovered, we ended up in Granada Hills, California 109 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,960 when I was about 14, well, I was in 12. 110 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,000 But when I was 14, I think it was the first time 111 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,000 that I ever got drunk. 112 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,000 We had some concert, we were drinking Red Mountain wine. 113 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,520 My parents were out of town. 114 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,920 I woke up in the front yard next to a pile 115 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,960 of regurgitated Tommy's Burgers. 116 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,600 And I thought, I'm just not gonna drink 117 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:14,760 that Red Mountain wine anymore. 118 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:16,200 Now, I heard a guy speak yesterday. 119 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,280 So the next day I thought, well, I can't wait till I do it. 120 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:19,800 I never thought about that. 121 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,480 But none of that stuff, none of that stuff I said, 122 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,680 well, you shouldn't do pot, you shouldn't drink under it. 123 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:27,040 It never occurred to me because I didn't like it in school 124 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:30,560 because I was embarrassed if I couldn't answer the question. 125 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,600 I played sports a lot, but I would never, 126 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,480 if I couldn't figure it out in about two minutes, 127 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,320 I wouldn't do it because I didn't want, 128 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:37,320 I always thought that the way, 129 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,920 selfish and self-centered evolves in my head a lot 130 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:40,960 'cause that's what I am. 131 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,160 A lot of us are that way. 132 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,640 And I just thought that everybody would be watching me. 133 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:45,560 I was talking on issue. 134 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:46,560 I go, no one's gonna pay attention. 135 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,280 You won't remember what I say. 136 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:49,800 Well, there's no quizzes later. 137 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,640 I'm not gonna say, what did I say? 138 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:52,480 That's how it is. 139 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:53,480 We're all self-absorbed. 140 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:57,560 And so anyway, when I discovered alcohol, it didn't matter. 141 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,480 I felt five foot nine instead of five foot six. 142 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:01,560 I was handsome. 143 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:02,860 I could dance. 144 00:05:02,860 --> 00:05:04,400 I could talk. 145 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,520 I love, it's funny, I moved around a lot as a kid. 146 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:08,960 Minute I got out of high school, I moved to Seattle. 147 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,800 I'm from Seattle and started going to college there 148 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,480 and got into the University of Washington, 149 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:15,680 which surprised me. 150 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,560 I went two years to junior college when my father got me, 151 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:19,960 my brother got me, my mother got me. 152 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,080 I put in an application that had let me in. 153 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:23,840 At this time, I was living with a guy 154 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:27,400 that was importing green stuff in blocks from Mexico, 155 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:28,360 sailing it up. 156 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:31,200 And he had this white powder that looked like baby powder. 157 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:32,600 So I was kind of into that. 158 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,680 And in fact, he was in the import-export business. 159 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,400 He was more involved in the import, not the export. 160 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:39,560 It's a side show there. 161 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:43,400 So anyway, so in fact, the feds knocked on the door 162 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,360 when I was there one day. 163 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,600 And they said, "Is the guy that owns the house here?" 164 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:47,720 And I said, "No, no, he's not." 165 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,160 So they go, "Well, 10 minutes later, I get a call from him." 166 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,360 And a couple of days later, 167 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,040 I just got back from Southern California, 168 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:58,760 had a nice tan orange yellow shirt with a sunflower. 169 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:00,880 I mean, it was really goofy with, you know. 170 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,680 So I had to go speak before a federal grand jury 171 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,040 about what was going on. 172 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:05,880 And I lied. 173 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,120 When I was 14, my mother caught me smoking pot. 174 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:08,960 She didn't know what to do. 175 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,240 She sent me to a Freudian psychiatrist. 176 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,160 And I learned real quick that if I would tell him 177 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,040 what he wanted to hear, he would leave me alone. 178 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:16,640 And when I started to go to him, 179 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,920 I smoked pot and drank a little bit. 180 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,720 When I left, eight months later, 181 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:25,320 I was snorting Coke, sniffing glue, gasoline, 182 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,080 all kind of crazy stuff. 183 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:28,160 And he brought my parents in. 184 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:31,080 My dad was a suit and tie guy, a lawyer sitting there. 185 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,240 "Okay, Mr. and Mrs. West, he's cured." 186 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:35,720 And that, I said, "Well, that's pretty cool." 187 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:37,320 My parents were enablers too. 188 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:41,400 So anyway, I kind of drank my, I got arrested in Seattle. 189 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:45,320 I had a great job a girlfriend of mine had got for me. 190 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,000 And I lost it because I was a drunk. 191 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,320 I didn't know it at the time, but that's why I lost it. 192 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:51,440 And I used up everything there. 193 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:52,720 I got arrested there. 194 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:54,920 And I came back to Southern California 195 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,560 and moved in with mommy and daddy, you know. 196 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:00,000 I asked my, my father would do things like, 197 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:00,840 'cause we were both, 198 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,320 the thing that my father and I spoke about 199 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:03,760 were politics and sports. 200 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:06,920 And he was, he had a contrary view in politics 201 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:08,680 and he loved sports the way I did. 202 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,920 And he would give me articles about athletes 203 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:12,200 that were having trouble with booze 204 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,520 and say, "Maybe you should read this." 205 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,160 But he never talked to me about it. 206 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,040 They were classic enablers. 207 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,200 And I lived there and I was on my mother. 208 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,240 My mother was, my mother was handing out sandwiches, 209 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,240 my stepmother, but I never was allowed to call her that. 210 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:25,280 She wasn't. 211 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,800 She was handing out sandwiches over in Silmon 212 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,960 before it became the cool thing to do. 213 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,080 'Cause she was just a giver. 214 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:32,640 And I was on her list. 215 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,240 I was the number one person on her prayer list. 216 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,040 And I saw that and I laughed about it. 217 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,680 But I didn't know what alcoholism was. 218 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,800 I did know that I kind of drank more than my friends. 219 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,320 And there were times when I would quit 220 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,680 and I would reward myself six months later. 221 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,440 I go, "Well, I really don't have a problem." 222 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:52,360 And then I would go out and I would drink again. 223 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,440 And one time I drove my car in blackout 224 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,080 into a guy's living room. 225 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:01,960 Another time I was driving from Rinaldi down Balboa 226 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,720 on a Saturday in a blackout. 227 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:06,040 And I pulled into the bar because that's what happened. 228 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:07,480 You kind of come to. 229 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,800 And two cops that appeared to be about nine foot four 230 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,040 were body slamming me off the top of the car. 231 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,280 And they took me to jail over at Devonshire. 232 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,640 And my buddy who's died of this disease, 233 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:19,480 but he came in, he was high on martinis and bailed me out. 234 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:20,600 Where's Kirk? 235 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,520 I'm here to pick him up. 236 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,320 And back then they would allow that. 237 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,720 So I wasn't real good with booze. 238 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:29,200 But it was always curious to me how I would quit drinking. 239 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,960 I was brought up in the Episcopal faith 240 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:32,920 and my brother was an Episcopal priest. 241 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,360 And I always thought it was weird 242 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,680 that he would be the acolyte and walk. 243 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,400 And my dad would say, "Open your mouth when you sing." 244 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:40,840 I just hated being at church. 245 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,240 I hated everything about it. 246 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:46,240 So when I would give up drinking for the time being, 247 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:47,400 I would never talk to God. 248 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,040 I would just on my own will quit. 249 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,680 And then six months later, three months later, 250 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:51,600 I'd get drunk again. 251 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,800 And my mother was gonna have the prayer group at her house. 252 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,080 I just lived with mommy and daddy. 253 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,000 I was a grownup. 254 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:57,840 That's why I went to cook. 255 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:58,760 I was gonna be a grownup. 256 00:08:58,760 --> 00:08:59,680 I never knew how to be a, 257 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,080 I didn't know how to be a grownup. 258 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:02,640 I didn't know how to do any of this stuff. 259 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:03,580 And she asked me, she goes, 260 00:09:03,580 --> 00:09:05,400 "Can you please take it easy tonight? 261 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:06,880 The prayer group's coming over tomorrow. 262 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:07,720 I'd like you out of the house." 263 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:08,560 How dare you? 264 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:09,380 I'm not paying rent. 265 00:09:09,380 --> 00:09:11,360 She's fixing me the food I want, but how dare you? 266 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,640 So I went out and tied my lawn and came home 267 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,080 and she just kind of made a lot of noise. 268 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,920 And then I left and got my little beat up 65 Volkswagen 269 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,120 and drove to the Cork and Bib liquor store 270 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,200 and got a recycler and a six pack of beer. 271 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,920 'Cause after all I'm hurting, you know. 272 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,240 I was a guy that drank to go out to drink. 273 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,160 I was a guy that drank to come over to your house 274 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,040 to talk to you. 275 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,520 When I lived at my parents' house, I was getting in shape. 276 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:33,920 I worked at this lumber yard. 277 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,480 I smoked cigarettes. 278 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:38,600 I'd go run six miles by the school that they lived at, 279 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,120 get a bottle of booze, put it in my knapsack, bring it home. 280 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,020 I couldn't talk to my mom and dad. 281 00:09:43,020 --> 00:09:44,720 So I'd go in my room and get hammered and come out. 282 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:46,280 "Hey, what's for dinner, mom?" 283 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:47,120 Yeah, it was out there. 284 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:50,640 And so I got this recycler and there was an ad for somebody. 285 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:54,000 They needed a caretaker at the spawn ranch. 286 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,120 I didn't know it at the time. 287 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,840 So I went up, met with the lady. 288 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,400 She said, "Do you know anything about horses?" 289 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,120 Remember I told you I'm a pretty good liar. 290 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,160 My psychiatrist taught me how to lie. 291 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,120 My parents believed it. 292 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:05,240 So I said, "Oh yeah, I love horses." 293 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:06,080 I was afraid of them. 294 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,520 So she hired me to live in a 38 by eight foot trailer 295 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:13,160 on 56 acres to take care of 28 horses. 296 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:16,400 And about, I don't know, we probably had 15, 20 dogs 297 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,940 at the time and some cows. 298 00:10:18,940 --> 00:10:20,240 I never done any of that stuff. 299 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,120 And she, oh, she did ask me, "Do you ever drink?" 300 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,720 I go, "On occasion, I might have, on occasion." 301 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:25,880 'Cause her husband was a good one. 302 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,800 Went home and reported to my mommy and daddy 303 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,080 that I was moving out. 304 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,560 I'm a big boy now, I'm 28 years old. 305 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:33,840 They pack up, they take two trips to the car 306 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,220 with all my belongings. 307 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,300 Put them in the front seat of my Volkswagen. 308 00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:42,840 And I had, I was fascinated by the Manson family. 309 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,360 I had a dog here 'cause I'd read before 310 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,820 Vincent Bugliosi's novel about, you know, 311 00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:50,800 he's the one that got made sure that Manson went to prison 312 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,480 and the book helped her skelter. 313 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,240 So I put that in my pocket and went up 314 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:55,520 and I had a bottle of wine. 315 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,720 And we looked over at my refrigerator, 316 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,960 which was an old Coke, you know, Coke machine. 317 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,280 That was my refrigerator. 318 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,280 Lit up a doobie and got some wine. 319 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,400 I've got it made. 320 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:05,400 'Cause I didn't care. 321 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:06,760 My friends were buying houses. 322 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:07,940 My friends were getting married. 323 00:11:07,940 --> 00:11:09,160 My friends were having kids. 324 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,180 I didn't care. 325 00:11:10,180 --> 00:11:11,360 This is my life. 326 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,140 You know, look at this freedom I had. 327 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:15,800 And I lived up there for four years drunk 328 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,180 and I would quit again. 329 00:11:17,180 --> 00:11:18,400 I played golf with a buddy of mine 330 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,840 and I would tell this guy, I'd say, 331 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,340 as we're sitting there getting ready to tea off, 332 00:11:22,340 --> 00:11:23,880 I'm firing up a doobie. 333 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,520 He goes, "I ain't not drinking anymore, it's great." 334 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:26,500 And I would go to parties and people, 335 00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:27,800 "Oh, you're not drinking, that's great. 336 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:28,760 Oh, that's great." 337 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:29,680 And I go, "Yeah, that's great." 338 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:31,840 But inside, I felt like I just didn't, 339 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,200 I felt like nothing. 340 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,240 I wanted to drink. 341 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:37,360 And I'd go, "Yeah, but I think there's something 342 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,800 that I need to do more than just quitting. 343 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,040 I think that there's something." 344 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,520 So I knew all along that I wouldn't do this thing 345 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:44,360 the right way. 346 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,880 I ended up going to a psychiatrist and she told me, 347 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,900 and thank you, welcome, Ryan. 348 00:11:48,900 --> 00:11:50,000 And thank you for reading that. 349 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,900 That's hard to do when you're new. 350 00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:54,880 It is, and you did a great job because she took me, 351 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,080 she told me to go to some meetings. 352 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,840 So I went to some meetings. 353 00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:01,360 It was at de Young's towing over up top 354 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:02,800 off Sherman Way in Topanga. 355 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:03,980 And that's the first meeting I went to. 356 00:12:03,980 --> 00:12:05,760 And I went drunk and the next week I went to, 357 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:06,600 she goes, "Did you go to the meeting?" 358 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,120 I go, "Yeah, I was hammered." 359 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:09,600 She goes, "I didn't tell you you couldn't drink, 360 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,600 but you should, you know, you probably shouldn't." 361 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,640 And I continued to go. 362 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,800 And I remember the first time I said, "I'm an alcoholic." 363 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,980 And the only other meeting I'd really been to, 364 00:12:16,980 --> 00:12:20,360 I had this, a buddy of mine's wife at my house 365 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:21,600 staying for a while. 366 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:22,920 And she had to go to AA meeting. 367 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,520 And I went to one with her at the Sons of Norway 368 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:26,360 and I was hammered. 369 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,940 'Cause I had to get hammered to communicate like this. 370 00:12:28,940 --> 00:12:31,080 And I thought, because you know, now I know everything 371 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,500 and I'm talking to the guys again. 372 00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:34,280 We get out of the meeting, "That's great, not a big deal." 373 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:35,360 I go, "It's a nice hammer." 374 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,880 So anyway, so this therapist finally told me, 375 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,600 she says, "You know, you fire guns up there?" 376 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,100 And I says, "Yeah, I shoot at stuff." 377 00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:42,960 And I would shoot at people, you know, 378 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,520 people up on the Santa Susana Pass. 379 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,560 So if you ever have a bullet hole from 40 years ago, 380 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:48,440 it's probably me. 381 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:49,600 She said, "You can't do that. 382 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,160 You're jeopardizing my license." 383 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,220 And that didn't make sense. 384 00:12:52,220 --> 00:12:53,360 And the next week she goes, "What'd you do?" 385 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,760 I said, "A buddy of mine came up and we shot squirrels 386 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,180 and you know, all the varmints up there." 387 00:12:58,180 --> 00:12:59,260 She goes, "I can't see any." 388 00:12:59,260 --> 00:13:00,100 I said, "Why?" 389 00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,520 She goes, "'Cause you jeopardized my license, I told you that." 390 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,720 And one more time, see, it was never my fault. 391 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:05,960 It was yours, nevermind. 392 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,600 And I ended up going to a place 393 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:10,560 called the Grandview Foundation in Pasadena. 394 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:11,720 And I went for 30 days. 395 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,640 The first night I was there, I was in my room by myself, 396 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:16,840 alone and lonely, and I cried myself to sleep. 397 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:18,320 And then I started doing the deal. 398 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,800 And then about four or five days into it, 399 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,400 when the cobwebs cleared, I was arguing with them about, 400 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,120 "This can't, what do you mean, disease? 401 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:25,400 It doesn't make any sense to me 402 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,160 'cause I'm a very argumentative person." 403 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,520 And I finished there and I went back into that ranch. 404 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,600 30 days, went back up to that ranch. 405 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:32,800 I was doing what I was doing. 406 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:35,480 I cleaned the dog poop and we didn't have as many horses. 407 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,480 We sold them to some guy in South America or something. 408 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:39,400 We had a lot of dogs. 409 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:43,960 We had Neapolitan Mastiffs, Quisans, and Rottweilers, 410 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,240 very expensive animals. 411 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,200 And I ran with them. 412 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,400 They were my buddies. 413 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,720 Those are the people I hung around with. 414 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,600 The way I made money, I've been a sports official 415 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,200 in the San Fernando Valley for 40 years. 416 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,080 So 39, I've been sober 39. 417 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,080 So one year I was hammered all the time 418 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,120 doing your kids' games or whatever. 419 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,120 So, and I was up at that ranch and I was there for 30 days 420 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,880 and I wasn't drinking, wasn't smoking pot, 421 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,040 wasn't snorkeling coke, wasn't taking pills. 422 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,000 And I felt like crap. 423 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,040 And I said, "It didn't make sense, I'm sober now." 424 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:11,800 And a light bulb went off in my head and I said, 425 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,600 "Yeah, they say you should probably go to some meetings." 426 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,920 I jumped in my car and went down to the Valley Club 427 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,360 where I was over by the college inn. 428 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,640 And I walked in and I met a man, sat down. 429 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:20,680 He had Marlboro cigarettes. 430 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:21,640 I didn't have any at the time. 431 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:22,960 I sat down and talked to him. 432 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:26,080 And the conversation that we had was so comfortable. 433 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:27,880 And we talked and talked and I bumped cigarettes 434 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,400 and we sat outside of that meeting and talked. 435 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,960 And he said, "Kirk, you know, you never have to be alone 436 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,000 again ever in your life unless you choose to." 437 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:35,840 And I said, "Okay." 438 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,080 And I thought, "Well, you don't get it. 439 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,880 I'm a loner, that's romantic." 440 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,160 And we started going to meetings. 441 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,800 And the first meeting I went to was the Sons of Norway. 442 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,920 And I walked in and the guy greeted me and says, 443 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,680 "I wish I knew who I was, we might've known." 444 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:49,520 I don't know. 445 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,240 And I shake his hand and I come back the next week 446 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:52,640 and he goes, "Hey Kirk, how are you doing?" 447 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:55,400 And for the first time in my life, for many, many years, 448 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,120 I felt like somebody really cared. 449 00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:59,160 And it made a lot of sense to me. 450 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,760 So we started this journey of, you know, like all of you, 451 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,480 I'm not gonna tell you anything you guys haven't heard here. 452 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,400 You read the big book from cover to cover. 453 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:06,480 You do the steps. 454 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,040 You know, I do the steps the same way 455 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,720 with guys I sponsor now. 456 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,280 And go to 90 meetings in 90 days. 457 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,280 You gotta have 90, all the commitments. 458 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,120 And I said, "Yeah." 459 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:16,360 And I remember I told you I was a liar 460 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:17,920 and I've been involved in sports. 461 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:20,520 And I got a call on a Sunday night to work this final 462 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,920 in this Pop Warner football game, which was a big deal. 463 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,400 So I thought, and I went and saw Chuck at the meeting 464 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,880 on Monday and he goes, "So how was your meeting last night?" 465 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,040 I would go to the Valley Club. 466 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:30,000 It's great, great. 467 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,040 Who was the speaker? 468 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:31,880 Who was the speaker? 469 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:32,720 I go, "Well." 470 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:34,600 And I'm not a chauvinist, but I said to him, 471 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,480 I was a woman, so I wasn't interested. 472 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:37,320 And he goes, "Oh, really?" 473 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:38,160 I go, "Yeah, what'd you do last night?" 474 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,520 He goes, "I spoke at the Valley Club." 475 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:45,080 And now I'm from the old school and he is in my face. 476 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:46,720 And I'm not gonna use the words that he used, 477 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,080 but everything that he was saying to me was right. 478 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,520 You're a liar, you're a cheat, you're this, you're that. 479 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,440 And I said, and I couldn't, I couldn't not say you. 480 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,920 And then this guy stands straight up, 481 00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:59,200 he was smoking pommels, he stands straight up, 482 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,960 two years in sobriety, grabs his chest 483 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,040 and hits the deck and dies right there. 484 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,040 We tried to revive him and all that stuff. 485 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,320 And they came and they said he was dead 486 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:07,280 the minute he hit the ground. 487 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:08,640 And I'm thinking, well, at least this guy's 488 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,200 not gonna be giving me any more grief. 489 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,720 And as soon as they track him out, he's right there 490 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:14,440 and he goes, "We're gonna talk about this." 491 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:18,640 Valuable lesson about who I was that I could finally admit. 492 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:20,360 I trusted that man implicitly. 493 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:24,720 I trusted him and told him every deep dark secret I had 494 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,000 and regurgitated it in my fifth step. 495 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,960 And there are things in there that I shared with him 496 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,960 and with God that are still mine, but I regurgitated him, 497 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,760 but I trusted him and that's important. 498 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:36,960 And the irony is that he couldn't continue 499 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:40,120 to do what he was doing and walk the walk and he died drunk. 500 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,920 There were so many episodes that I saw people die 501 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:45,200 in this program that I believe what it said. 502 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,800 You know, I asked people, I asked a guy last night, 503 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,800 did I tell you guys I was at the sober capital 504 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,720 of the world last night and I asked this guy, he came back. 505 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:54,560 He goes, "Yeah, I'm back." 506 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,960 I go, "Well," I said, "Well, how was it out there? 507 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:57,800 Did it get any better?" 508 00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,480 He goes, "No, it never does." 509 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:00,680 And he's trying it again. 510 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,760 I've had one sobriety and that's all I want to have. 511 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:05,160 I got married in this program. 512 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:06,560 Chuck was my best man. 513 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,560 Sandy, his wife, was my wife's maid of honor. 514 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:12,000 Sandy ended up marrying after Chuck passed, 515 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,240 a guy named Tom who dated my wife. 516 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:15,880 I mean, it's kind of crazy. 517 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,640 Not while she was my wife, at least I don't think so. 518 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,360 I mean, we were separated for a while, 519 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:21,960 so anything could happen, I don't know. 520 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,240 But anyway, I had a son. 521 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,120 I have a son who's 34 years old 522 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,480 and never had to see me drunk 523 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:31,640 and understands this program through life lessons 524 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,400 I've taught him somehow better than I do sometimes. 525 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,960 And he's estranged from my wife 526 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,800 because she doesn't like the fact that he married a woman 527 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,800 that's seven years older than he is. 528 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:45,160 I guess mothers that are really like the woman 529 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:46,920 that the only son marries. 530 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:48,280 I guess that's the way it is. 531 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:49,840 Here's the important part of this deal. 532 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:50,840 I got busy. 533 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:52,840 I asked Chuck to not be my sponsor anymore. 534 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:53,880 He chased me out of his house, 535 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,120 a place where I had butt prints in his seats 536 00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:57,720 'cause I was there all the time 537 00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:58,920 'cause I didn't know how to live life. 538 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:02,320 We got wedding gifts and my wife took them back 539 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,120 and I go, "Can you do that stuff?" 540 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,080 I didn't know you could do that. 541 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:06,400 So anything that I had to ask him, 542 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,000 I would ask him about love, about this, about that. 543 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,800 And I got another sponsor 544 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,560 'cause I thought that he was in the movie industry 545 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:13,680 and I thought, well, he could probably get me 546 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:14,520 in the movie industry. 547 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,880 And he wasn't a good sponsor 'cause he was too busy. 548 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,320 And then about 15 years later, I was at a meeting 549 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:20,600 and he was there with a coat and tie. 550 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,960 I go, "Oh, he's probably gonna take a cake." 551 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:22,800 Or he's probably speaking. 552 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,440 He has great talk, probably speaking. 553 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:25,280 Well, he wasn't. 554 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:26,720 He was taking a cake for one year. 555 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,760 And that was another indication that this thing, 556 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:29,760 what it says in that book 557 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,080 about this being a progressive disease is true. 558 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:32,920 I believe that. 559 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,240 I don't understand sometimes 560 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:35,480 why people don't believe that. 561 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,000 I just don't, but that's me. 562 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,520 But then I asked a guy who was a football coach at Crespi 563 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,160 and he sponsored me for a while 564 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,280 and I started going to meetings out in the Gora. 565 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,280 I gotta tell you that life's in session, man. 566 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:47,360 I know you guys went to that. 567 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,440 That men's stag meeting started at my house. 568 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:51,360 Did you know that? 569 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:52,320 There were 12 people there. 570 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,080 Disciples, I call them. 571 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,520 (laughing) 572 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,960 But anyway, that doesn't mean I think I was, 573 00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,200 you know, that's not what I'm saying. 574 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,920 But anyway, so then here's the crusher for this deal 575 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,560 that's important for you to listen to and anybody else. 576 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,800 I went, I sponsored myself for about 17 years. 577 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:09,920 I didn't go to meetings. 578 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,600 I came by life's in session one night 579 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:14,120 and I had 17 years of sobriety. 580 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:14,960 I have a regret. 581 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,000 I have a really good friend who says never reminisce 582 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,600 with regret and that's true. 583 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,400 But I regret that I stopped going to life's, bless you. 584 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:22,240 I used to sit right there. 585 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,080 I had my seats, you know, how we do that? 586 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:27,000 Anyway, I stopped going and I went back. 587 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,760 I was having a bad day and I went back and I walked up 588 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,360 and someone goes, "Hey, how you doing? 589 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:32,200 "What are you doing? 590 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,040 "How you doing?" 591 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:33,880 You know, like you guys, we do. 592 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:34,720 I go, "Hey, fine." 593 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:35,960 He goes, "How long have you been sober?" 594 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:36,840 I go, "17 years." 595 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:37,680 He goes, "Oh, okay." 596 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:38,680 And now he's off to the next guy. 597 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,520 I go, "What are you doing? 598 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:41,880 "You didn't break. 599 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:42,720 "Chop liver here. 600 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:44,560 "I might be dying inside." 601 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,400 17 years I did that, but I always answered phones 602 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,920 from central office, go to the office. 603 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:52,600 I had friends that had channels at Wayside. 604 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,480 A buddy of mine came to me, 605 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,560 he's like a baseball umpire buddy of mine, dear friend. 606 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:57,520 And he said, "Will you talk to me? 607 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:58,380 "Would you go out to dinner? 608 00:19:58,380 --> 00:20:00,760 "My son just got arrested for drunk driving." 609 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:01,600 I said, "Yeah." 610 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,760 And we went, had dinner. 611 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:03,840 I was impressed with his son 612 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,440 'cause he told the truth, I could tell. 613 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:06,800 And we started going to meetings 614 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:10,120 and I take him to meetings and I didn't go to meetings, 615 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:10,960 but I would take him. 616 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,920 I knew how to fake it and I felt like such a hypocrite. 617 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,400 I felt like such a hypocrite. 618 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:20,120 And, but what I learned in life's in session 619 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:21,920 and what you guys learn in quality of life 620 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,520 held me in good stead. 621 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,520 I never, in all those 17 years, 622 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:28,020 never once thought about drinking. 623 00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:29,920 I thought about beating my wife up 624 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:32,880 or ramming my car into somebody else's car 625 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,520 or telling the coach and kicking them in the you-know-where, 626 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,440 but I never, ever thought about drinking. 627 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,960 And so when I seen I lost my train of thought, 628 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,600 if I go off on a tangent, it doesn't really matter. 629 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:46,960 So, I felt like a hypocrite and this guy, 630 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,640 Bob Fisher was my sponsor before Tom and Bob passed. 631 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:51,480 Great man. 632 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,280 I remember Bob when I was brand new. 633 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,160 I used to go to a Monday night meeting 634 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,680 over at the hospital 635 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,040 and Bob had that booming voice and that smile 636 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,080 and he was always so nice to everybody. 637 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:02,720 And I would answer the phones Thursday night 638 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,240 when he'd call me, "Hey, Kirk, any calls?" 639 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,120 Well, yeah, we'd talk about it. 640 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:10,000 And I was so, about 15 years that I hadn't had a sponsor. 641 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,520 I said, "Well, I need a sponsor." 642 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,520 He goes, "Well, I don't sponsor people now." 643 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,240 And I said, "Okay, I gotta go." 644 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:18,360 Well, what he really had said was, "My wife has gotten sick. 645 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,520 "I only sponsor guys that have time." 646 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,280 And I had time, but I didn't hear that. 647 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,920 Two years later, I asked him again. 648 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:27,040 Now, two years, I mean, I screwed up my insides. 649 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,120 My relationship, my, 650 00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:31,480 I don't know if my relationship would have ended anyway. 651 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,360 We were kind of oil and water. 652 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:34,320 That's how we were. 653 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,680 If I said, "This is a nice brown jacket." 654 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,080 She'd go, "No, it's really not brown," you know. 655 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,280 And she'd drive me nuts and then I'd have to react to that. 656 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:42,640 'Cause when you're sponsoring yourself, 657 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:44,920 you can't run by anything with anybody. 658 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:45,760 You just can't. 659 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:49,520 And then the next time he says, "Yeah, I'll sponsor you." 660 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:50,360 I didn't know that. 661 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,440 And I met him at the USR 662 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,080 and that's where my life kind of took off. 663 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:56,000 See, I thought because I coached at Northridge Little League 664 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,320 we were very successful there and had a lot of good guys. 665 00:21:58,320 --> 00:21:59,760 Some of them made it to the major leagues 666 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:01,440 that played ball for me, not because of me, 667 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:05,040 but they liked me and all the stuff that I learned here. 668 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:06,560 I thought it was good enough just to go, 669 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:08,460 "Well, sure, I'll write you a letter of recommendation. 670 00:22:08,460 --> 00:22:09,560 "I know how to do that." 671 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:10,600 "Well, sure." 672 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:11,440 But it wasn't. 673 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:15,080 'Cause just the same way that I knew when I was smoking dope 674 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,240 and not drinking that there was something wrong, 675 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,120 I knew that when I was doing all these things 676 00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,880 and thinking I was being Mr. A, there was something wrong, 677 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,160 that I was cheating the program. 678 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:24,280 I was cheating what I had learned. 679 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,200 And so he became my sponsor 680 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,200 and I started going to the USR where I met Ish. 681 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,000 And the first night that I walked into that meeting, 682 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,160 there was a bunch of guys smoking cigars out front 683 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,080 and I walked up and just like I did in my first meeting, 684 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:40,640 I figured, you know, how long I had 29 years at the time 685 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,080 or something like that, I don't know. 686 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,280 I walked up, shouldn't some guys come up 687 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,280 and talk in the mirror, you know? 688 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,320 And they didn't. 689 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,240 And I went and sat by myself, just like new people do. 690 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:53,080 And then I finally figured out the next week I just went up, 691 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,160 shook the hand of five people I didn't know 692 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,960 and then six and then got active 693 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,200 and then went and answered phones and did all that stuff. 694 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:00,480 And now I'm in the middle. 695 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,640 When I was out there, when I was, 696 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:03,880 we never used this expression, 697 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,180 at least I never heard it when I was at Life's in Session 698 00:23:06,180 --> 00:23:08,480 or even after that when I was going to other meetings, 699 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:09,320 being in the middle. 700 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:10,240 I never knew what that meant. 701 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:11,400 But I know what it's like now. 702 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:12,800 It's important, you know? 703 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:13,680 It's really important. 704 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,040 I love those guys at that meeting. 705 00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:16,280 They saved my butt, you know? 706 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,960 And I think that, I mean, Ischger, like I told you, 707 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,960 I think he likes to, he's a good dude. 708 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,280 And he offers me compliments 709 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,400 by just including me in everything. 710 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:29,120 And sometimes even after 39 years and the last 11 years, 711 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,300 I've really rigorously worked in his program. 712 00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:33,240 I still don't know how to accept that sometimes 713 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,360 because I still suffer from inadequacies 714 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:38,720 and low self-esteem and not good enough. 715 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,480 And that's why I gotta keep coming to these meetings 716 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:41,600 and telling you guys that. 717 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:42,880 You know, Bob was a great guy 718 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,840 and I would share with him things that were going on. 719 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,060 A relationship with my ex-wife and my son 720 00:23:47,060 --> 00:23:49,640 was just the only thing that really screwed up my life 721 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:51,320 and the only problem I really had. 722 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,120 And he said, you know, you just need to turn it over 723 00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:55,480 and that's none of your business. 724 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:56,320 And that was hard. 725 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,520 It was easy, but it was hard to do because I have answers. 726 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,540 You ask me a question after the meeting, I'll answer it. 727 00:24:00,540 --> 00:24:01,760 You know, I'll probably be right 728 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:03,680 'cause that's the kind of guy, at least I think of him. 729 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,000 But anyway, so my friend's son got sober, 730 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,160 went to the Sunset Group, 731 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,560 got very involved about eight months ago. 732 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:11,680 My friend called me and he goes, 733 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:13,640 my daughter is having a problem with alcohol 734 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,800 and you're not gonna like this, Kurt. 735 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,900 She's gonna go to recovery. 736 00:24:17,900 --> 00:24:18,740 I go, that's great. 737 00:24:18,740 --> 00:24:21,240 In Hawaii, on Maui. 738 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:22,480 Oh, how much does that set you? 739 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,020 64 large, I know. 740 00:24:24,020 --> 00:24:25,160 Well, it wasn't his money. 741 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:26,000 No, that's great. 742 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,360 Just tell me when she gets back 743 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,000 and what her next rehab's gonna be because that's true. 744 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:30,840 We all know that. 745 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,880 And she came back and then she went to Betty Ford. 746 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:35,960 I didn't take him up on sober living 747 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,440 and came back and went back to Betty Ford. 748 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:39,800 It was never her fault. 749 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,000 It was always somebody's fault. 750 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:42,560 Her dad's fault, her mom's fault. 751 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,240 Now I gotta talk Al-Anon stuff to this guy. 752 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:45,080 I don't know. 753 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,280 That's what I take to my Al-Anon guys by doing this right. 754 00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:49,800 But I would text her and call her and leave a message. 755 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,480 I'm going to a Pacific Group meeting Wednesday night. 756 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:52,320 You wanna go? 757 00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,640 And she opened the last text that she sent me and said, 758 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,640 well, I'm not, I'm suffering from a sickness right now. 759 00:24:57,640 --> 00:24:58,560 I don't feel well. 760 00:24:58,560 --> 00:24:59,640 So I'm not this weak. 761 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,040 And when I read that, I sent it to his father 762 00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,120 and I said, if only she knew what sickness she was, 763 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,560 that she was, you know, and two Mondays ago, 764 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,360 he called me and she died. 765 00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:10,640 Yeah, I don't feel, you know, it's just, 766 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,360 and there's another, yeah, I don't know. 767 00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:13,280 I don't know you people. 768 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,840 And I know that Ryan's new and it doesn't matter. 769 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:17,400 I know guys that have gone out 770 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,000 with 25 years in sobriety. 771 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,580 I saw a guy take a cake at an agora men's stag meeting 772 00:25:21,580 --> 00:25:23,000 for 25 years. 773 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:23,880 He wasn't there for two weeks. 774 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:24,760 I go, where the hell is the guy? 775 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:25,600 He blew his head off. 776 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:26,420 That's what he did. 777 00:25:26,420 --> 00:25:30,080 So this is, you know, this is a kind of a scary deal. 778 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,200 So it's sad because next Monday, 779 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:33,840 I'm going to go to his daughter's funeral. 780 00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:35,400 She was only 33 years old. 781 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:38,160 And she, it's just sad. 782 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:42,720 My brother, I start my day by reading three spiritual books 783 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:43,840 and a meditation book. 784 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:46,380 I believe I have a real good concept 785 00:25:46,380 --> 00:25:48,240 and conscious contact with God. 786 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:51,700 But sometimes, like being inadequate, feeling inadequate, 787 00:25:51,700 --> 00:25:55,220 sometimes I want, when I was sponsored by Chuck, 788 00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:56,960 I would go over to his house and I would say, 789 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:58,840 this is going on, this is what's going on. 790 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:00,440 He'd say words, he'd say this, 791 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:02,560 and I'd walk out of there going, my life is great. 792 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:03,840 I want that every time. 793 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,040 The sponsor that I have now, and when I had Bob, 794 00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:07,560 brilliant, brilliant guy. 795 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:09,240 And the sponsor I got, and I asked him something 796 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,780 a couple of days ago about a guy that I'm sponsoring, 797 00:26:11,780 --> 00:26:12,620 answered the question. 798 00:26:12,620 --> 00:26:15,760 But I seem to want, you know, can you, I don't know. 799 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:17,320 It's just very bizarre. 800 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:22,060 But so I read these books and I've read the Bible 801 00:26:22,060 --> 00:26:22,900 three times. 802 00:26:22,900 --> 00:26:24,380 That's a weird thing to do by yourself, 803 00:26:24,380 --> 00:26:26,560 but I have this book and you can read, anyway. 804 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:28,840 So my brother who I was estranged from, 805 00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:32,080 he was the older brother and we were the two sons 806 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,120 of the mother that had passed away. 807 00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:37,040 He dealt with that insanity his way. 808 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:38,440 I dealt with it my way. 809 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:40,440 And we weren't really close. 810 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:43,080 I was a hippie and he was a straight laced dude. 811 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,240 And we'd see each other on and off. 812 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:47,360 And I decided to call him and we were talking to him, 813 00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:48,640 you know, I got lung cancer. 814 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:49,480 He never smoked. 815 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:50,320 I go, wow. 816 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:51,940 He just retired from being a priest, 817 00:26:51,940 --> 00:26:53,920 just bought a piece of property on a nice island 818 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:55,920 in Washington and he had lung cancer. 819 00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,340 And I said, well, would you mind if I ask you questions 820 00:26:58,340 --> 00:26:59,480 about this book here? 821 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:01,240 He goes, no, I mean, who better to ask? 822 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,720 And he wasn't one of these priests that says, 823 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:05,120 if you don't believe what I believe, 824 00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:06,080 then you're going to hell. 825 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:09,320 He was an open-minded guy and it made it interesting. 826 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,440 And I called him all the time and we talked about it. 827 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,140 And then one day he goes, you know, Kirk, 828 00:27:13,140 --> 00:27:15,400 and I said to Bob, I said, you know, 829 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:19,080 I think my brother owes me the men's or, you know, 830 00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:21,040 because see, I was the younger brother 831 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,680 and he was like, you might want to rethink that. 832 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:29,160 And so just out of nowhere, I said, hey, Craig, 833 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:30,840 I just want to tell you, I really love you 834 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,600 and I apologize for it, you know, whatever the amends want. 835 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:35,160 Like, can I get you too, Kirk? 836 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:36,960 And he never did, but that was okay. 837 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:39,280 You know, all the suggestions and all the direction 838 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:40,680 that I get here that I've taken. 839 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:44,040 I had a situation recently where I lost a position 840 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,440 that I've had for many years in the sports community 841 00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,440 and it drove me nuts and I prayed about it. 842 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,560 My sponsor said, let it go. 843 00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:52,200 I said, yeah, but you don't get it. 844 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:53,920 And I finally said, you know what? 845 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:55,960 I'm going to let it go, I'm going to let it go. 846 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,940 It still comes up and infiltrates my brain every once in a while 847 00:27:58,940 --> 00:27:59,780 but that's normal. 848 00:27:59,780 --> 00:28:02,800 I don't get raged about it and I don't feel ripped off. 849 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,440 I just feel that that's God's plan 850 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:05,320 and that's where I'm headed. 851 00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:07,120 So I get the light on. 852 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:08,320 Now I didn't see the red. 853 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:11,280 If I don't see the red one, can we tack on it? 854 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:13,080 No, we can't do that. 855 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:15,080 Anyway, you know, I sit around. 856 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:19,040 I live up in Simi, God's country, by the way. 857 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:20,160 And I had a cat. 858 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:23,100 I have a cat, two raccoons and a couple of birds. 859 00:28:23,100 --> 00:28:27,000 And I had another cat, Larry, but he disappeared. 860 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,280 I think the coyote's gone. 861 00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:29,760 I've suffered a lot of loss. 862 00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:32,280 People, animals in the last year. 863 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,360 I get too confused trying to figure it out 864 00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:36,360 'cause it's really, there's nothing I can do about it. 865 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:38,200 People live and then they die 866 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:39,880 and then they live and then they die. 867 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:41,700 But because of what I was taught here, 868 00:28:41,700 --> 00:28:43,560 when my mother passed, I was there 869 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:45,600 and I rectified all those situations. 870 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,040 When my father died, because he had dementia, 871 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:49,200 I used to go up and visit him. 872 00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:50,520 And I was the only guy, hey, Kurt. 873 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:51,760 And I was the black sheep, 874 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:53,120 but he would always know who I was 875 00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:54,400 and he always knew I was there. 876 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:55,280 My sister called me. 877 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:57,920 I was walking down the first fairway at Simi Hills 878 00:28:57,920 --> 00:28:59,520 and my sister called and she said, 879 00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:00,920 "I think dad's gonna go. 880 00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:01,740 He's right here." 881 00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:04,680 And as I walked down, I said, "Dad, I love you. 882 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,040 Thank you for being such a great example 883 00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:07,960 of being a human being." 884 00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:09,360 He didn't talk a lot. 885 00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:12,260 He just charged me up with his actions. 886 00:29:12,260 --> 00:29:14,940 And because, see, the fact that I can feel that 887 00:29:14,940 --> 00:29:16,760 is because of you guys. 888 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:18,920 The fact that I can say goodbye to him 889 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:21,000 and feel that my side of the street is clean 890 00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:22,320 is because of you guys. 891 00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:24,960 And so there's a lot of things that, 892 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:27,580 I don't have any of these at home. 893 00:29:27,580 --> 00:29:29,400 Is this the door prize? 894 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:30,440 Anyway, thank you. 895 00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:32,000 Thanks for letting me be here.