1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,240 - Hi everybody, I'm Mike, alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:04,060 - Mike. - Hi Mike. 3 00:00:04,060 --> 00:00:07,220 - And hi everyone, nice to see you all. 4 00:00:07,220 --> 00:00:09,180 I'm guessing I'm looking at a room 5 00:00:09,180 --> 00:00:11,260 in the San Fernando Valley, am I right? 6 00:00:11,260 --> 00:00:12,100 - Yeah. - Yes. 7 00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:14,060 - All right, that's my old home. 8 00:00:14,060 --> 00:00:16,780 I grew up, a good portion of my growing up 9 00:00:16,780 --> 00:00:20,060 was done in the valley, and my, our, 10 00:00:20,060 --> 00:00:23,180 really my story in Alcoholics Anonymous 11 00:00:23,180 --> 00:00:24,580 began in the valley as well. 12 00:00:24,580 --> 00:00:27,840 So I have a real connection to where you're at. 13 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:30,320 I'm in Henderson, Nevada right now, 14 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:33,600 but I actually currently live in Belleville, Illinois. 15 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,560 So we're all over the map. 16 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:39,660 I wanna thank our 10-minute speaker for his talk, 17 00:00:39,660 --> 00:00:42,480 great talk, and welcome anyone who's new, 18 00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:45,620 who didn't identify themselves as a newcomer, it's okay. 19 00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:48,920 I mean, maybe you're all regulars at this group, 20 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:52,280 but I remember when I first got to AA, 21 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,460 I was the guy sitting in the back, closest to the door, 22 00:00:55,460 --> 00:00:58,980 because first of all, I'm not a joiner, 23 00:00:58,980 --> 00:01:03,440 and people scared the hell out of me, and I hated everyone, 24 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:07,360 and I was looking for the quickest opportunity to escape. 25 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:10,840 So I didn't want any attention drawn to me, 26 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,080 and yet I wanted the world to acknowledge 27 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:15,420 that I was the most important person on the planet. 28 00:01:15,420 --> 00:01:17,480 It was a real dichotomy. 29 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:20,560 Anyway, let me tell you a little bit about myself. 30 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:23,720 I gotta get drunk, and I gotta get sober, 31 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,240 and I've always had trouble telling my story 32 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,480 in a linear fashion. 33 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,160 I seem to jump around a lot, 34 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,160 but I'm gonna really try to keep it simple, 35 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:32,440 do my very best. 36 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:36,080 As I stated, my name is Michael Coleman. 37 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,120 I'm an alcoholic. 38 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:42,520 I have a sobriety date of January the 10th, 1989. 39 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,800 I just celebrated 35 years of sobriety. 40 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:48,500 I have a sponsor, Clement Kahn. 41 00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:52,600 Clem lives in St. Louis, and I met him there 42 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,000 when I moved to St. Louis. 43 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,000 I happened to find the greatest AA group, 44 00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,980 greatest home group in the world. 45 00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:01,840 Everybody says if your home group 46 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,680 isn't the best home group in the world, 47 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:06,280 it's getting another home group, and I believe that. 48 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:10,000 I got lucky that I found my old home group, 49 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:15,000 which was Carry the Message Group 138 in St. Louis, 50 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:19,160 and I met Clement, and I also sponsor one other person 51 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:22,080 currently, one other fellow in the fellowship. 52 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,680 So I'm in a good position. 53 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,460 They call that the middle of the boat, right? 54 00:02:25,460 --> 00:02:28,240 I have a sponsor, and I'm sponsoring somebody else, 55 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:29,660 so I'm right in the middle, 56 00:02:29,660 --> 00:02:32,320 which is where a drunk like me belongs, 57 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:36,280 because as I stated, I'm a real alcoholic, 58 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:40,340 and I gotta be right in the middle of you all, 59 00:02:40,340 --> 00:02:44,540 'cause if I'm left to my own devices, 60 00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:47,000 I'm off the radar, and you'll never see me again. 61 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,180 I need to be accountable. 62 00:02:49,180 --> 00:02:52,320 So I guess I'll try to tell you a little bit 63 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,200 about my background, where I came from. 64 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:57,120 I grew up in West Los Angeles. 65 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,680 My earliest memories are of growing up 66 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,120 in West LA on Centinella. 67 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:04,640 My parents were teenage parents, 68 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:07,920 and also budding alcoholics themselves. 69 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:11,900 My dad was really an alcoholic beyond human aid, 70 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,360 probably at the age of 13. 71 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,280 So when my parents had me at 18, 72 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,320 my dad was already chronic, 73 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:23,760 and my mother met my dad at a dance 74 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:25,660 at Santa Monica High School. 75 00:03:25,660 --> 00:03:29,280 My dad had run away from San Diego. 76 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,820 His parents threw him out of the house, 77 00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:34,780 and he ran away and came up to Santa Monica, LA, 78 00:03:34,780 --> 00:03:37,160 to enroll in high school at Uni High. 79 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,560 Met my mother and my mom, and he was at this dance. 80 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:41,560 He'd been in a fight. 81 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:45,080 He was a surfer, and his best friend was Doug Moody. 82 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:46,380 He was barefooted. 83 00:03:46,380 --> 00:03:49,560 He had shorts on and a torn windbreaker. 84 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:52,320 And apparently my mom said, "I took one look at your dad." 85 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,080 And the first thought that came to my mind 86 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:55,320 was he needs a mommy. 87 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:58,140 And that's kind of how our little family began. 88 00:03:58,140 --> 00:04:02,040 My family at that time were really close. 89 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:05,120 All of our family lived in close proximity 90 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,520 to one another in Santa Monica, 91 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:08,840 which at the time was really 92 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,600 like a sleepy little beach town, you know? 93 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,360 This is the late '60s into the mid '70s. 94 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,280 It was just kind of everybody knew each other 95 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,640 in Santa Monica, not like that now. 96 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:22,000 But my grandmother worked at Santa Monica Foods. 97 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,400 I went to McKinley Elementary, 98 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,920 the same school my mom went to. 99 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,260 In fact, some of the same teachers 100 00:04:27,260 --> 00:04:30,160 that were there teaching my mother back when she was little 101 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:31,840 were teaching when I was little. 102 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:33,320 Going to school there was a trip. 103 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:35,920 And anyway, my family liked to drink, 104 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,320 and they used to go out a lot. 105 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,960 And my parents were young, as I stated. 106 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,160 They were teenagers and couldn't afford a babysitter, 107 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,520 so they just dragged me around 108 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:46,600 when they went out drinking. 109 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:51,160 And I was the first Grant's child born and the first cousin, 110 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:54,280 so I was kind of the big shot initially. 111 00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:57,260 And I had all the adult attention that I could possibly want. 112 00:04:57,260 --> 00:05:01,540 And I also matured quickly intellectually, verbally. 113 00:05:01,540 --> 00:05:03,960 My mom tells me that when I was a little baby, 114 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:06,600 I was overweight, and she was pushing me around 115 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:07,880 on the grocery cart. 116 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:11,120 And I would be having completely developed sentences 117 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:13,060 and having conversations with my mother 118 00:05:13,060 --> 00:05:15,080 and people would be like, "That baby talks?" 119 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,440 You know, it just really blew people away. 120 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:20,120 So I guess I was kind of a party favor. 121 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,000 They would take me to these bars and stuff 122 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,680 and I would make everybody laugh. 123 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,860 But I got left alone a lot. 124 00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:29,360 And I was probably, like I said, around adults 125 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,480 probably a lot more than I should have been. 126 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,640 And I developed a pretty avid imaginary life. 127 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:38,260 And I remember I discovered in the bars and stuff, 128 00:05:38,260 --> 00:05:40,120 if you get those wet wipes, you know, 129 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:43,160 that you wipe your hands on, at least back then, 130 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:44,560 I really liked the smell of them. 131 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:47,940 And I used to be laying down in the restaurant booth 132 00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:51,320 and I'd stack about 30 or 40 of these things, 133 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,140 wet ones, on my face. 134 00:05:53,140 --> 00:05:55,440 And I'm like, you know, six years old. 135 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:58,960 I remember a sense of ease and comfort that came out once 136 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,940 when I breathed through those things. 137 00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:03,000 And so it finally dawned on me one day, 138 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:06,800 well into sobriety, Jesus, I guess I was a wet nap huffer 139 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,800 at eight, six years old, you know? 140 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,360 So I guess that was my first drink, wet wipes. 141 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:16,680 And I can assure you it didn't get much better. 142 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,640 It kind of went downhill from there. 143 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:23,160 My father got sober in 1976. 144 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,020 I remember that year vividly 145 00:06:25,020 --> 00:06:27,920 because Roots was on television. 146 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,320 And I don't remember how old I was. 147 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:35,320 I want to say I was right around 11, 66, 76. 148 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:40,160 I was 10 and 76, so yeah, 10, 10 and a half. 149 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,220 Anyway, dad went into one of the original care units 150 00:06:43,220 --> 00:06:44,640 out in the Valley on shoot. 151 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,640 And my parents were in the process of breaking up. 152 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:50,680 They were, my mother's drug addiction 153 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,440 and alcoholism was getting worse 154 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:54,660 and my dad had hit a bottom. 155 00:06:54,660 --> 00:06:56,140 So he went into treatment 156 00:06:56,140 --> 00:06:58,380 and my mom wouldn't take me to go see him. 157 00:06:58,380 --> 00:07:00,700 So I used to ride my bike across the Valley 158 00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:03,120 to go and visit my dad when he was in treatment. 159 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,320 And that's where I, as a 10 year old kid, 160 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:08,520 was first introduced to the steps with Alcoholics Anonymous. 161 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,720 I remember seeing him on the wall when I went to see my dad. 162 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:13,800 And I remember thinking, even at that age, 163 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,920 what an order, I can't go through with it. 164 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,760 My God, it looked like Moses's tablets or something. 165 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:21,000 It was terrifying to me. 166 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,280 I didn't know what they were. 167 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,040 But I did know that my dad was getting better. 168 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,680 So they must, whatever was encrypted in those steps 169 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,660 and traditions must have been good stuff 170 00:07:30,660 --> 00:07:32,220 because dad was getting better. 171 00:07:32,220 --> 00:07:34,240 And I had an expectation. 172 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,040 So I can probably say 173 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,240 that I already had the mind of an alcoholic 174 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,160 even at that young age. 175 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,080 I had a big expectation 176 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,020 that when dad got out of that treatment facility, 177 00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:46,400 I was gonna get my dad back 178 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,200 because I never really knew him as a kid. 179 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:51,440 He was drunk throughout my early childhood. 180 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,780 I mean, some of my earliest memories were sounds 181 00:07:54,780 --> 00:07:59,780 like the sounds of my mom vacuuming up buttons in the morning 182 00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:02,040 'cause my dad would come home 183 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:03,700 and they'd get into big arguments 184 00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:05,800 and he'd just rip his shirts open 185 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:07,720 and the buttons would fly all over the house. 186 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,720 Yeah, that was a good one. 187 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:11,880 And then also getting woke up 188 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,840 in the middle of the early morning, 189 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:14,920 my mom would say, come on, 190 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,300 we're gonna go look for your father. 191 00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:18,140 And it'd be a school night 192 00:08:18,140 --> 00:08:19,680 and we'd jump in the Volkswagen 193 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:22,340 and go looking over in Culver City for dad. 194 00:08:22,340 --> 00:08:24,920 And he'd always be at the same damn place 195 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,640 he was always at, at the Tattletail drinking. 196 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,960 And I always think to myself, 197 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,520 what the hell are we gonna go looking for him 198 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,400 because we know where he's at already. 199 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,720 Anyway, mom would be about half in the bag 200 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:38,280 when we'd be out looking for dad 201 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,440 and by the time we'd get back on the freeway 202 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,680 to head back to the valley, 203 00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:44,360 she'd be crossing lanes and stuff, falling asleep. 204 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:45,740 It was pretty scary. 205 00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:48,580 Alcoholics scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. 206 00:08:48,580 --> 00:08:51,160 I just wanna preface by saying that 207 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:55,840 it was not a fun childhood. 208 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,800 Anyway, I gotta fast forward. 209 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:02,960 My parents divorced, my father took a job. 210 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,720 He was a dental supply salesman 211 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,000 and he took a, he worked for his father's company. 212 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,340 So it was a family business, 213 00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:12,000 but my dad took a sales territory 214 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,300 in the central San Joaquin Valley. 215 00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:16,520 And I was living with my mom. 216 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,560 She was trying to get sober herself 217 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,280 and we all know how newcomers are. 218 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,720 I remember my mom was trying to establish a relationship 219 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,280 with her sponsor and on the phone 220 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:26,800 with her sponsor all the time 221 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,360 and trying to raise a preteen son. 222 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,080 And it wasn't going too well. 223 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:33,760 I was an extremely rebellious kid 224 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:36,180 and I used to run away a lot. 225 00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:38,520 Kind of like probably like my dad did when he was a kid. 226 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:42,120 I just disappear for like two days at a time. 227 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:45,060 And when you're 12, 13 years old, that's a problem. 228 00:09:45,060 --> 00:09:49,040 DFS gets involved and stuff like that. 229 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:52,060 And I was putting my hands on my mom and stuff 230 00:09:52,060 --> 00:09:53,600 and it was starting to get, it was escalating. 231 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:54,440 It was getting bad. 232 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,600 And anyway, I forgot to mention that when I grew up 233 00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:01,120 in West LA and in the border of Santa Monica and stuff, 234 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,260 all of my friends were Spanish speaking. 235 00:10:03,260 --> 00:10:05,420 Almost all of my friends were Spanish speaking. 236 00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:09,880 So I was real comfortable with Mexicans. 237 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,640 And I spoke fluent Spanish when I was a little kid. 238 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:15,280 Up until about the age of 11, when we moved to the valley, 239 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:18,040 then I didn't have access or the culture changed. 240 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,360 And so I lost my Spanish, but my mom threw me out 241 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:22,960 and sent me to live with my father, 242 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,680 which I was lucky because I know there's a lot of young men 243 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:27,000 that don't have fathers. 244 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,920 I had one and he was sober by this time. 245 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,000 And he's like, okay, I guess it's my time 246 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,400 to try to raise this kid. 247 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,920 And I went to live with my father who I didn't know. 248 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:37,880 I didn't know him from Adam. 249 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:38,880 And it was very awkward. 250 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,720 I remember when I first moved up there, 251 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:43,700 I was like a skate skater kid in the valley. 252 00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:45,260 I had like long hair and stuff. 253 00:10:45,260 --> 00:10:48,600 And I showed up in this town, Visalia, 254 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:49,940 where my dad was living. 255 00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:54,360 And it was all like agriculture and farmer's kids and stuff. 256 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,320 And by this time I had gotten into punk rock 257 00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,820 and cut all my hair off and shaved my eyebrows. 258 00:10:59,820 --> 00:11:02,160 And I was wearing like black flag t-shirts and stuff. 259 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:03,560 And I show up at this high school 260 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:07,180 and it was not an easy mix. 261 00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:09,440 I mean, it was rough. 262 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:13,040 And then not to mention, I didn't know my dad. 263 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,640 I remember him saying, 264 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,240 I'm gonna get you through high school if it kills us both. 265 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:18,400 And it damn near did. 266 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,480 I mean, it was a rough three years. 267 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,240 But that's really where my drinking began 268 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,660 because before I was even out of high school, 269 00:11:26,660 --> 00:11:29,320 I gradually gravitated towards these people 270 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,360 that I was hanging out with there in Visalia. 271 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:36,360 My dad was living this kind of middle class suburban life. 272 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,840 And it was boring to me. 273 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:41,500 My father was kind of like a control freak, 274 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:44,640 real OCD and the house was sterile. 275 00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:47,720 And I had responsibilities to like keep the house clean, 276 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,400 but there was no cleaning to be done. 277 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:50,240 It was crazy. 278 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,160 And I just remember wanting to get 279 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,980 as far away from there as possible. 280 00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,980 And I gravitated towards hanging out 281 00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:58,160 with the people that I felt comfortable with. 282 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:01,360 The North side of Visalia, the Cholos 283 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,860 and the Cholas and the whole Latino 284 00:12:03,860 --> 00:12:05,440 like low rider culture thing 285 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:06,920 that was happening at my school. 286 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,160 It was pretty much either farmers or that. 287 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:12,800 And they looked like I felt tough, mysterious, angry. 288 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,600 They accepted me because I had an Anglo friend 289 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,080 that was raised in that neighborhood. 290 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,680 And that's where I really learned how to drink really. 291 00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:23,040 I spent the majority of my rest of my high school years 292 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,220 in backyards on the North side of Visalia, 293 00:12:25,220 --> 00:12:27,200 drunk and high and freezing cold, 294 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,680 because I always seem to wind up somewhere without a jacket. 295 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:30,760 It was like inevitable. 296 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,640 And they have tule fog in that San Joaquin Valley 297 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,500 and man that fog would settle in 298 00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:36,980 and it would be freezing cold 299 00:12:36,980 --> 00:12:39,960 and I'd be just shit faced and freezing cold. 300 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,640 That seemed to be the memories I had 301 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,200 of my last years of high school. 302 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,500 But I got out of high school 303 00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:48,160 and right away got away from those folks 304 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:51,560 because my alcoholism once was set fire. 305 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:54,600 If you're no longer serving my needs, 306 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,200 I'll find somebody else that will. 307 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,440 Mind you, I sobered up when I was 22. 308 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:02,180 So I really, I had very little legal drinking in my story. 309 00:13:02,180 --> 00:13:05,220 I ran across the guy, I got a job in a record store, 310 00:13:05,220 --> 00:13:06,600 which was sort of a dream job. 311 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,640 And I ran across the guy that was managing that store. 312 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,820 He was about 10 years older than me. 313 00:13:11,820 --> 00:13:13,160 So he was like an older brother. 314 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,560 And this was in the mid '80s, '84. 315 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,900 And he was a coke dealer, which was very convenient. 316 00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:22,160 And so he took me under his wing as sort of like a protege. 317 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:26,160 And boy, we did a lot of drinking. 318 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,180 I liked, this is an AA meeting. 319 00:13:28,180 --> 00:13:29,840 I believe in stimulus of purpose, 320 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:33,520 but I can just say that being in the '80s and being a drunk, 321 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,760 that white powder was a real boom to alcoholism 322 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:39,800 and drinking because I could drink for days 323 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:43,300 and not fall asleep or pass out. 324 00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:44,760 Although it didn't always work 325 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,800 because I was a blackout drinker. 326 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,240 And I'll get to that part of my story. 327 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,480 My daughter actually lives in the same town 328 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:53,920 where I have my bottom. 329 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,300 And she had her bottom there too. 330 00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:58,040 And it's interesting because last time I was in town, 331 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:00,640 we were standing at an intersection 332 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,080 and she had some of her worst drinking 333 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,680 on the east side of the street. 334 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,540 And I had some of my worst drinking 335 00:14:06,540 --> 00:14:07,920 on the west side of the street. 336 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:12,920 It was very curious, but I ran a ground in around 1987 337 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:17,080 behind cocaine and alcohol. 338 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,280 And I did something that I would never have done 339 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:22,040 had I not ran out of answers and needed help. 340 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:25,240 I picked up the phone and did what any self-respecting 341 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,280 drunk will do when the chips are down. 342 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:31,340 I called my mommy and I called my mother and I said, 343 00:14:31,340 --> 00:14:33,960 I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. 344 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,340 I think I'm losing my mind. 345 00:14:35,340 --> 00:14:38,640 Now my parents, my mother was already had been sober now 346 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:39,860 for a few years. 347 00:14:39,860 --> 00:14:42,820 And she was real active in AA in the Valley. 348 00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:45,340 Hole in the sky, the nest, 349 00:14:45,340 --> 00:14:48,860 all of the old spots in the Valley. 350 00:14:48,860 --> 00:14:53,480 My mom was real busy and active in the Valley 351 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:54,600 Alcoholics Anonymous. 352 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:58,280 And all of those people in those clubs 353 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,560 and the knowledge that came out of those places 354 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,320 and the spirituality that came out 355 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,120 of those ratty old AA clubhouses in the Valley, 356 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,840 that was a big part of my foundation in AA. 357 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,400 I met a lot of those people. 358 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,840 I knew a lot of those people personally, 359 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,780 those old personalities in those clubs. 360 00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:14,920 I can't name them all. 361 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,360 If I had time to write some of those names down, I will. 362 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:19,640 But my mom's gone now. 363 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,120 So it's hard for me to make a connection 364 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,060 and I'll get to that as well. 365 00:15:24,060 --> 00:15:27,320 I'm really grateful to the clubs in the Valley 366 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:30,960 and the people and the wonderful people that went before me 367 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:34,880 because they're partly responsible for why I'm here today. 368 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:39,240 So I got, my parents said, look, why don't you, 369 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,920 my mom and my stepfather said, look, 370 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:44,040 why don't you come down and stay with us for a while 371 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:47,120 and dry out and maybe try some AA meetings. 372 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,340 This was like '87, '88. 373 00:15:49,340 --> 00:15:52,800 And I had a girlfriend, I had drug connections 374 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,960 and walking away from all of that was must've, 375 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,900 I must've really been willing to go to any lengths. 376 00:15:58,900 --> 00:15:59,740 And I did it. 377 00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:02,960 I packed up my stuff and I moved back down 378 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,880 to Southern California to stay with my parents 379 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,000 and try to dry out. 380 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,520 And it worked for about two weeks. 381 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:14,000 I went to my first meeting as a potential member 382 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,000 of Alcoholics Anonymous and I raised my hand. 383 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,000 And in that meeting that I went to, 384 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,520 they gave me a cork that said, put the plug in the jug, 385 00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,880 which was pretty apropos because at the end 386 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:26,160 of my really bad drinking, I was just drinking cheap, 387 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:28,480 you know, Gallo wine by the gallon 388 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,280 and I couldn't really afford anything else. 389 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,320 So, and I, with conviction, I really believed 390 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:36,800 that I was joining AA, I loved what they had to say 391 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:39,120 and I felt like this was gonna be my spot. 392 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,760 I'd earned my seat and I was drunk within two weeks. 393 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:46,760 And what happened was amidst many other situations, 394 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:51,480 my parents had a hall closet where they kept cases of beer, 395 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:54,760 inexpensive beer for my stepfather's dad 396 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:55,840 when he came to visit. 397 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:59,600 And I'm underage, I'm an alcoholic who needs a drink, dad. 398 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:00,720 And I didn't have access 399 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,280 because all my connections were gone, I'd moved away. 400 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,800 And I found that beer and I drank up multiple cases of beer. 401 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:07,760 I don't know how many. 402 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,720 And I realized I can't replace it. 403 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,520 And I was so mortified that I just, 404 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:13,960 I left in the middle of the night. 405 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,640 I packed up my shit and crawled out the window and left. 406 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,200 I was, I didn't know what to do. 407 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,920 And that's kind of how I handled business 408 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,120 at that time of my life. 409 00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:24,640 If things got too hot or if I didn't know 410 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:27,160 how to make things better, if I'd said something to you 411 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,760 that was offensive or whatever, I just disappeared. 412 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,120 And so that was that. 413 00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:33,520 My folks didn't know where I was 414 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,440 and I just kind of disappeared into the night. 415 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,080 Got a job, I forget what happened. 416 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,480 Anyway, long story short, I wound up realizing 417 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,880 that I needed to get that girlfriend back in my life 418 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:46,120 because maybe she would slow my drinking down. 419 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:48,680 So I called Diana and she said, 420 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,640 "No, I'm not gonna move down there and live with you, 421 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:51,560 but I'll marry you." 422 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,120 Well, that seemed like a great idea. 423 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:54,480 I thought, well, I'll marry her 424 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,160 and then she'll help me sober up. 425 00:17:56,160 --> 00:18:01,160 And so we got married in like '88 or something. 426 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:04,320 And I remember just before the wedding, 427 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,360 I was smoking a big fat joint 428 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:08,560 and drinking a bottle of whiskey with her aunt. 429 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,440 And I actually had a thing for her aunt. 430 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:15,040 It's shameful, but I was more interested in her aunt 431 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,360 than I was my fiance. 432 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:19,400 And I don't remember my wedding. 433 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,640 I was in a brownout and I came to 434 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,920 and I was in the middle of saying vows 435 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:28,920 and it really got worse from there, I can assure you. 436 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:32,880 We were pregnant very, very quickly. 437 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,520 And then things got bad for me. 438 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,880 I started deteriorating rapidly. 439 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:39,680 There was a lot of violence. 440 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:43,760 There was a lot of me needing a drink, 441 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,880 me not having a drink. 442 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:49,080 And then eventually, her parents came 443 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,440 and just picked her up in the middle of the night 444 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,160 and they didn't bother to tell me get some help 445 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:58,720 or we don't want you in our lives anymore or anything. 446 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,640 It was an eight hour round trip for them. 447 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:05,080 They got her and the little baby that was coming 448 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:05,920 and they split. 449 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:10,200 And it was a period of incomprehensible demoralization. 450 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:12,040 We all know what that is. 451 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,280 Doesn't matter who you are or where you're at 452 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,980 when you come through the doors, 453 00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:20,240 even if you don't have a understanding of what that word 454 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,440 or what those combination of words means, 455 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,160 somehow we all seem to understand it on some level. 456 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,560 And boy, I sure did. 457 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,480 So things happen fast after that. 458 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:33,480 I can say, I'll speed up and say that I called my mother 459 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,160 again and my mother did the best thing 460 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,800 she ever could have done for me. 461 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,360 She'd been to Al-Anon and she knew better 462 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:42,000 than to get involved in my life. 463 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:46,320 And she said, yeah, we know what's wrong with you, Michael. 464 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:49,160 And I stay right where you're at. 465 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,720 I didn't live far from them at the time. 466 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:53,440 They said, my mother said, I'm coming. 467 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:54,800 You stay right where you're at. 468 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,240 Your father and I are coming down. 469 00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:59,240 Well, shortly thereafter, there was a knock on my door 470 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,420 and I didn't answer the door at that time. 471 00:20:01,420 --> 00:20:04,280 I didn't answer the phone and I didn't look at the mail 472 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,240 because it brought nothing but bad news. 473 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,740 I had the law after me and everything else. 474 00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:12,360 And knock on the door, I opened the door 475 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:15,040 and I still can't tell anybody why I did that. 476 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,320 But there was a fat guy on my doorstep and he said, 477 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,160 my name's Ernie Hanrahan, Mike, 478 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,440 and I'm a friend of your parents. 479 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,720 I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 480 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:24,600 May I come in? 481 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,840 And he spoke with me with such dignity 482 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,340 and he spoke to me like I was a human being 483 00:20:29,340 --> 00:20:30,720 and I let him in. 484 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:34,120 I still can't tell you why, but my house was destroyed. 485 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,320 I'd been up there for several days 486 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,060 without a drink and needing one. 487 00:20:38,060 --> 00:20:41,840 And I punched out windows and tore up rugs and it was bad. 488 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,920 And he just looked over the top of all that wreckage. 489 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:48,580 And he told me that I could come to a meeting with him 490 00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:51,960 if I so wished and I agreed to do that. 491 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:55,120 And that was my beginning in Alcoholics Anonymous. 492 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:59,280 And that was my first complete sober day 493 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,500 was the 10th of January from sunrise to sunset 494 00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:03,340 without a drink. 495 00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:04,800 And I haven't had a drink. 496 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:08,120 I haven't, I've been blessed not to have found it necessary 497 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,520 to take a drink from that point. 498 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:11,440 Now there's been a lot of challenges in my life. 499 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:14,600 I got real busy right away because I had a sponsor 500 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,920 that insisted that I get busy. 501 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,240 And my first sponsor was a woman, a Catholic nun 502 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,880 by the name of Mary Moritz. 503 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,960 Mary saw that I didn't have enough humility 504 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,880 to ask any of the guys in the group for us to sponsor me. 505 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,600 And she walked up one day and said, I'm your sponsor. 506 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,660 And she was tough and a very interesting woman. 507 00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:36,240 She was an intellectual and had written books. 508 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:40,260 And then I met this guy named, oh God, I can't believe 509 00:21:40,260 --> 00:21:41,360 I can't remember his name. 510 00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:42,200 It'll come to me. 511 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,080 He was a circuit speaker and he came up 512 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,520 to where I got sober, that little town in the desert, 513 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:47,360 Palmdale. 514 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:48,920 I got sober at the Palmdale group. 515 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,440 It's no longer there, but it was a great place. 516 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,760 Just this ratty little AA clubhouse with an oil spot 517 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:57,640 in the middle of the room and couches with big holes in them 518 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:00,740 and a floor safe where they put the seventh tradition money 519 00:22:00,740 --> 00:22:02,380 and it kept getting broken into. 520 00:22:02,380 --> 00:22:04,200 And people would steal the seventh tradition. 521 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:05,260 I love that place. 522 00:22:05,260 --> 00:22:07,480 I just thought it was the best place on earth. 523 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:11,800 And this guy, oh God, oh, it's terrible. 524 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:14,060 I can't remember his name, but he was a circuit speaker 525 00:22:14,060 --> 00:22:15,360 from out there in the valley. 526 00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:18,800 He came up and spoke and I was so moved by his talk, 527 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,480 I asked him to sponsor me. 528 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,560 And he said, yeah, you call me every day. 529 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:25,040 And he said, Mike, you need to understand something. 530 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:28,760 He said, you're a very, you're the kind of alcoholic 531 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:33,120 that is at risk for a certain death. 532 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:36,640 It's easy for you and I and people like us 533 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,900 to die of alcoholism 'cause we're too damn smart 534 00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:39,740 for this thing. 535 00:22:39,740 --> 00:22:42,040 It's a simple program for complicated people. 536 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,920 He said, the steps are numbered for the intellectuals. 537 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:45,760 Remember that. 538 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,120 And I've never forgotten it. 539 00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:48,960 And I'm really grateful to that guy. 540 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,040 He's passed away now. 541 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,560 But my daughter was, I sobered up in January of '89 542 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,420 and my daughter was born in April. 543 00:22:55,420 --> 00:22:57,600 So it was a very tumultuous time. 544 00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,480 And I didn't know how to be a father. 545 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,580 I didn't know how to really do anything. 546 00:23:01,580 --> 00:23:03,440 I was barely, barely employable. 547 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,200 I couldn't keep two conscious thoughts. 548 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,960 And later we had a real sticky custody battle 549 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:09,800 and it was ugly. 550 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,480 And I wound up doing a sober geographic 551 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:14,160 and running away from California. 552 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,680 And I wound up in St. Louis. 553 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:19,720 And I was in once again, at 14 years of sobriety, 554 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:21,120 I wouldn't call it sobriety. 555 00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:23,880 I'd kind of stopped doing what we know, 556 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,440 what we do around here in order to preserve 557 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:29,840 our mental health and our spiritual health. 558 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,240 I'd stopped working steps. 559 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,840 I'd stopped working with other alcoholics 560 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,400 and I'd really stopped going to meetings. 561 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,660 Not a good idea for someone like myself. 562 00:23:38,660 --> 00:23:40,960 And I landed in St. Louis 563 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,280 and I was really on a severe dry drunk. 564 00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:47,220 And it was Providence that spun me into my, 565 00:23:47,220 --> 00:23:49,760 what would become my home group there in St. Louis. 566 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,160 And I later found out that I really believe 567 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,000 that things happen in your life for reasons. 568 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,200 At least that's what I believe for myself. 569 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,120 God works in very mysterious ways 570 00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,320 and he's guided me to people, places 571 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,600 and things in my life for certain reasons. 572 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:07,240 I didn't plan to go to St. Louis, you know, to the contrary. 573 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,760 But I wound up there so that I would meet the people 574 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,780 that I met in that home group. 575 00:24:11,780 --> 00:24:16,460 And I met my sponsor and revolutionized my recovery. 576 00:24:16,460 --> 00:24:19,500 I was introduced to the third legacy 577 00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:23,440 of Alcoholics Anonymous and service work 578 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:27,960 and being part of a network of chain of sponsorship 579 00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:30,240 and guys that are very close 580 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,680 and hold each other accountable. 581 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,680 And I'm still close to those men. 582 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:39,480 It's funny too, because I'm out here in Anderson 583 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:42,880 and I guess I should bring it up to the current moment 584 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,080 'cause I know my time is gonna run out here pretty soon. 585 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:49,120 But my mother died on the 29th of December 586 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:52,300 and she died with 42 years of sobriety. 587 00:24:52,300 --> 00:24:54,840 And she was one of the biggest inspirations in my life. 588 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,000 My mother helped me so much in my life 589 00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:00,140 and she was one of my greatest friends. 590 00:25:00,140 --> 00:25:02,860 If she wasn't my mother, I would have had her as a friend. 591 00:25:02,860 --> 00:25:06,760 And she was a confidant and she was a wonderful, 592 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,040 wonderful member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 593 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:10,840 And I miss her terribly 594 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:12,560 and I'll miss her the rest of my life. 595 00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:15,800 She fell ill two months prior to her death 596 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,560 and I came out here to care for her. 597 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:21,120 And it was just a whole ordeal of hospitals 598 00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:24,480 and skilled nursing facilities and the rest. 599 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:28,960 And then she finally was just relieved of her suffering 600 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:30,700 on the 29th of December. 601 00:25:30,700 --> 00:25:35,040 And so I'm here and I'm saddled with the responsibility 602 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:36,280 of unpacking her life. 603 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,120 I've got a house here that I was hoping to keep 604 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:41,420 but it's becoming rapidly evident 605 00:25:41,420 --> 00:25:44,040 that it's not financially feasible 606 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,480 nor is it responsible for me to try to do that. 607 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,240 So I've got to put this house on the market. 608 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,880 And once again, members of Alcoholics Anonymous 609 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:53,560 are coming to, they're surrounding me. 610 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,720 And I haven't been alone for once 611 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:58,520 throughout this whole experience since I've been out here. 612 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,960 My old friend, Tom Lugo, who I sobered up with. 613 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:06,000 Tom was in the rooms in Palmdale when I arrived in '89. 614 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,700 And our friendship has lasted that long, 35 years. 615 00:26:09,700 --> 00:26:11,200 And Tom lives out here now. 616 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:13,820 And Tom was here waiting for me on the ground 617 00:26:13,820 --> 00:26:15,880 when I arrived to come take care of my mother. 618 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:17,760 And he introduced me to this network 619 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:20,560 and wonderful group of guys that he befriended. 620 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,600 You know, Sean and Adam are two of them. 621 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,120 They're here tonight on this Zoom. 622 00:26:24,120 --> 00:26:27,480 And I'm eternally grateful to these men. 623 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,440 I mean, they're my new friends 624 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:32,400 and they've been carrying me emotionally and just, you know, 625 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,880 just their friendship and their fellowship 626 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:36,080 just means the world to me. 627 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:38,600 And I'm never alone unless I wanna be. 628 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:39,500 And that's the key. 629 00:26:39,500 --> 00:26:42,200 I can choose to be alone in Alcoholics Anonymous, 630 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,220 but it's a choice. 631 00:26:43,220 --> 00:26:45,340 If you avail yourself to the fellowship, 632 00:26:45,340 --> 00:26:47,680 all you gotta do is put your hand out, but it's up to you. 633 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,680 It's up to me to say, you know, 634 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:53,400 "Hey, I'm Mike, I'm an alcoholic and I'm new here." 635 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,960 Or, you know, "This is what's going on in my life." 636 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:57,280 Whatever the case may be. 637 00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:59,840 If I sit in the back of the room by the door, 638 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:01,920 the lone wolf with the poker face 639 00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:04,240 that never tells anybody what the hell's going on. 640 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,020 You know, I'm gonna continue to get what I'm asking for 641 00:27:07,020 --> 00:27:10,280 because it took pain to bring me to a point 642 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:11,200 where I could open up. 643 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:14,200 And I just don't wanna be the lone wolf, you know, 644 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:16,440 because we all know what happens to that, you know, 645 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:19,040 that sick animal that's out there on the periphery. 646 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:21,320 You know, the lion gets ahold of its throat 647 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:22,420 and rips its throat out. 648 00:27:22,420 --> 00:27:24,500 And that's what alcoholism will do to me 649 00:27:24,500 --> 00:27:26,960 if I'm left to my own devices. 650 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:29,120 So some good news. 651 00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:35,040 My sponsor will be here in about a week. 652 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:38,160 He's coming out here and James Vaughn, 653 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,280 who is from my area in St. Louis, 654 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,640 moved out here with his wife, Genoa, 655 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:46,040 and he manages the AA club here 656 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:47,760 that all of us go to meetings at. 657 00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:50,240 And so James is part of my sponsorship chain 658 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,840 and our sponsor, Clem, is coming out here in about a week, 659 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,480 which is very important to me. 660 00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,040 He's gonna be able to visit me at my mom's house 661 00:27:58,040 --> 00:27:59,640 and I think it'll be good for me 662 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:02,280 just to get centered and see my sponsor. 663 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:03,900 I miss him. 664 00:28:03,900 --> 00:28:08,900 And my daughter, my daughter almost died of alcoholism 665 00:28:08,900 --> 00:28:11,800 a couple of years ago. 666 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:15,740 And as we all know, there's nothing that any one person 667 00:28:15,740 --> 00:28:18,180 can do to save another drunk. 668 00:28:18,180 --> 00:28:20,520 It has to come from a higher source. 669 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:23,120 And we were always there for her 670 00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:24,580 and I was always there for her. 671 00:28:24,580 --> 00:28:25,680 She would get on the phone. 672 00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:27,680 She likes to debate 673 00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:30,200 and she would like to get on the phone and debate. 674 00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:33,000 She had a head full of AA and a belly full of booze 675 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,720 and she'd love to get on the phone with me 676 00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:38,320 and debate the text of Alcoholics Anonymous. 677 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:39,280 And she knew it. 678 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:40,920 She knew a lot of that book up here. 679 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:43,560 But we'd always get to that point where I'd say, 680 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:45,080 look, babe, I gotta go. 681 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,400 I'm not gonna sit here and debate something 682 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,520 that's for me, indebatable. 683 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:51,400 It works for me. 684 00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:54,680 And when you're ready to talk sober, let's talk. 685 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:55,500 Call me tomorrow. 686 00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:56,340 I love you. 687 00:28:56,340 --> 00:28:57,360 And I'd have to hang up that phone. 688 00:28:57,360 --> 00:28:59,360 Well, she finally hung around 689 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:01,960 her little local ratty AA clubhouse 690 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:04,360 and she drank the Kool-Aid, so to speak. 691 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:06,640 They told me when I went to go out there 692 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:09,760 and celebrate her number, her first year of sobriety, 693 00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:11,960 that your daughter was like a feral cat. 694 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:13,320 She hung around the club 695 00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:15,600 until finally she came in through the door 696 00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:18,820 and she sat down and she'll have two years in February. 697 00:29:18,820 --> 00:29:21,080 So it's an absolute miracle. 698 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:22,760 From my dad to my mom, 699 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:24,720 because my mom really got the message 700 00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,760 from my biological father, 701 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:29,440 to myself and then to my daughter. 702 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:33,980 We're like four generations of sobriety and it's a miracle. 703 00:29:33,980 --> 00:29:38,440 And I'm eternally grateful to AA, 704 00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:40,040 to the book Alcoholics Anonymous, 705 00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:41,620 to Bill and Bob and all of you. 706 00:29:41,620 --> 00:29:42,460 I love you. 707 00:29:42,460 --> 00:29:43,280 Thanks. 708 00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:44,120 - Yay.