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 - Okay, hi everybody, my name is Brenda Watson,

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 I'm an alcoholic, and hi everybody on Zoom.

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 Over here, I forgot.

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 And thank you, Ben, for asking me to do this.

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 It's always an honor and a privilege to do something,

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 to be asked to do anything in alcohol,

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 so I'm very grateful, and thank you, Sue,

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 Susan, for your talk, it's good to hear you.

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 And nice to meet, thank you, Karen,

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 for being the hostess, and thank you,

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 the freeways of 101 and 405 that were really clear tonight.

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 So I could get here, and I'll get into my story.

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 It always takes me a little bit to just kind of relax,

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 'cause it's an opportunity to go to,

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 to visit the scene of the crime, right?

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 And so it's not always, it's not always something

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 that I wanna jump in, right in, but then eventually I do.

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 Welcome to the person or whoever's new here.

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 We're glad you're here, and I'll tell you a little bit

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 some things that I was told when I was new,

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 which is if you don't hear something tonight,

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 go to another meeting, there's more than 3,000 meetings

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 in the Los Angeles area, and now with Zoom,

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 we have so many options, so go to another meeting.

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 You know, you're bound to hear something

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 that you might be able to relate to.

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 My sobriety date is December 14th of 1986.

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 I just celebrated 37 years back December,

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 and I can assure you, I had absolutely no intention

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 of staying this long in a, or being this active,

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 as active as I am in AA.

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 I didn't even know I was an alcoholic

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 when I came here the first time, I had no idea.

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 But I'm grateful for that date, you know, and I've never,

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 I didn't know that you could go out and come back,

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 you know, at the time, I just, I had no idea,

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 so I've stayed sober ever since, it's a miracle.

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 I have two home groups, because some of us

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 are sicker than others, and my, always my home group,

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 wherever and ever, my family is the Pacific group,

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 I was raised in the Pacific group,

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 and my other home group is the best of all time,

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 AA in West Hollywood, it's a one-hour meeting,

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 Friday nights, seven to eight, questions and answers,

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 and whoever's got more than 15 years sober in this room,

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 I'm gonna be getting your number,

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 and we're gonna get you over there,

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 and I love my, I love my home groups,

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 you know, they're fantastic, I just feel right at home.

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 My sponsor is Beverly M., and she's been my sponsor

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 for a little over a year, before that,

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 my sponsor was Suzy Nesbitt Altman,

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 and she passed away about a year ago.

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 She was my sponsor for 32 and a half years,

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 and that was a tough relationship to, you know,

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 to transition, you know, I still can hear her in my head,

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 and I can hear her a lot of times,

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 when I feel like, you know, I can't hear anybody else,

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 her voice resonates in my head,

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 and I think that's all my stuff,

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 so you can start judging me now.

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 (laughing)

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 'Cause that's what I do.

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 So I was born in, I was born in a banana plantation

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 in Guatemala, Central America,

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 and that was the nature of my first resentment,

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 because I didn't look like other people that I lived around,

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 you know, I felt out of place, I felt like the ship,

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 you know, the Star Trek ship, or whatever ship,

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 had dropped me off at the wrong place.

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 I just never identify, I didn't feel like I fit in,

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 I was born into a wild family, full of alcoholics,

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 drug addicts, gamblers, sex addicts, untreated alanones,

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 you name it, they were in my family.

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 It made for a very exciting family, very exciting,

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 a lot of chaos, a lot of catastrophes,

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 and you know, to this day, I'm the kind of person

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 that if there's a natural disaster, I'm the person to call,

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 because I know how to handle, I get very focused

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 and very central when something like that happens.

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 And you know, things happen to us kids

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 that shouldn't happen to us kids, you know,

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 my monsters were real when I was little,

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 and that made me very scared,

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 it didn't make me an alcoholic,

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 but it made me be a very scared child, I was always scared.

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 And to this day, I mentioned it before,

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 I still live with a certain amount of fear.

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 You know, it's not, if it wasn't for the tools

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 that the program has given me,

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 I think I would still be afraid.

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 It mostly is my head that creates the scenarios

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 and these things, that's why I don't watch the news,

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 because my head is very good at doing that kind of stuff.

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 But anyway, it didn't make me an alcoholic,

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 but it did make me very apprehensive and scared

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 and all of that, and a nervous kid, you know,

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 I always had a nervous stomach, headaches,

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 et cetera, et cetera.

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 And I had my first drunk when I was 14.

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 I didn't know, I didn't know what alcohol

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 was gonna come into my life, what it was gonna do to me.

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 I'm sure it tasted alcohol, because I come from a culture

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 that I'm sure alcohol was around, I'm sure I tasted it.

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 But this one particular day, I don't know about you,

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 but better than the drunk that night,

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 leading up to the drunk that day.

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 You know, the romancing of the drunk was so exciting.

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 You know, it was like, I was 14, and we were like,

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 you know, what lie are you gonna say to your grandma

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 so you can spend the night, you know?

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 And who's gonna get the booze, you know?

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 Who's gonna get the, and what clubs are we gonna go on?

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 Who's gonna drive in?

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 You know, this whole pageantry.

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 I love the pageantry of the drunk.

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 And that was, the rest of my drinking career was very much

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 like that, it was like the day leading up to the drunk.

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 It was just very exciting.

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 And I remember we were in a group of kids,

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 and there was a bottle of Bacardi right in front of me,

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 a big, tall bottle of Bacardi.

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 And I don't know where this thought came from,

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 but I had this thought that when that bottle gets to me,

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 there's not gonna be enough.

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 We were in a circle, I was in the middle,

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 and when that bottle came my way,

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 I remember grabbing that bottle and just chugging it down

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 as fast as I could, as much as I could.

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 And as soon as I let go of that bottle,

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 you know, fear set in, fear of running out.

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 You know, and fear of like when that bottle gets back to me,

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 there's not gonna be enough again.

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 And it's funny because I remember the rest of the kids

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 were just taking like little sips, you know,

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 and it was burning and they were like,

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 and they're passing around.

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 So when the bottle got to me again,

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 it was almost at the same level, you know?

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 And I went again and chugged it down.

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 And I had a lot of fun that night.

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 I had a great time and I didn't start drinking every day

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 from then on because I was under my grandmother's thumb,

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 which was Tuesday and Tuesday night.

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 And it wasn't until 1976,

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 I came to the United States with my family.

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 All my family moved here, my mother, my sisters,

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 my brothers, my grandmother, cousins, everybody moved here.

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 It wasn't until then that I was in high school

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 and I had a boyfriend and soon I get familiar with this,

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 but my boyfriend had a car and a job.

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 That was the criteria for the boyfriend at the time.

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 And he made the mistake to take me to Hollywood.

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 Hollyweird, like I like to call it, you know?

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 And he took me to this club on Santa Monica and Vine.

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 It's not there any longer.

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 And it was a teenage club.

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 And I remember going to the front of the club

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 and standing there and having this feeling like,

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 my people, these are my people, you know?

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 Men were dancing with men, girls with girls,

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 dogs with dogs, you know?

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 And it was the height of the disco era, you know?

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 It was a Saturday night fever

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 and I had a fever that needed to calm down.

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 And I don't know about you,

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 but I loved mirrors when I was drinking, you know?

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 I loved it.

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 This club had wall to wall mirrors

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 and a pole in the middle of it.

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 And I could check myself out

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 from every angle of that little thing.

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 Selfish, self-centered, vain, et cetera, et cetera.

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 And I loved, I fell in love.

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 This was a Friday night and I thought,

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 I cannot wait to get back here Friday night, you know?

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 And of course then I found out

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 I could come Friday and Saturday night, you know?

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 And then it was Friday, Saturday and Sunday night.

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 And pretty soon the only night I had off

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 was like Monday and Tuesday, you know?

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 And then we found another club

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 that was open on Monday and Tuesday

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 and then it was on every day, right?

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 And there was a liquor store across the street

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 from this club and I had a fake ID

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 because every good teenager has a fake ID.

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 And my fake ID was a Native American woman.

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 She was 5'11" on 5'1".

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 And she had short dark hair and she was 32 years old.

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 And I used that fake ID

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 until a week before my 21st birthday.

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 And I remember a bouncer looking at him

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 and going, "Really, seriously?"

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 And I said, "Yep, I used it up until now."

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 And we would go get tall cans of English 800.

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 And we drank, I drank with a purpose.

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 And my purpose was to get drunk, oblivious,

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 free from self, free from my mind.

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 Because you see, a lot of demons and a lot of,

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 I'm the type of person to this day,

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 type of alcoholic, that my head is out to get me.

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 It is nonstop thinking.

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 And most of the time it's negative

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 and most of the time it's how it's gonna affect me,

206
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 whatever I'm thinking.

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 And so if it wasn't for the tools, I don't know.

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 I don't know where I would be locked up someplace.

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 No doubt, no doubt that that's where I would be.

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 But I drank to free myself of all this.

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 And I had a ball.

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 I had a great time.

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 I'm a party girl.

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 To this day, I'm still a party girl.

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 I just party sober now.

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 But I love to party.

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 You know, and I always, I have to tell you,

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 I always felt great when I was drunk

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 and when I was drinking.

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 And at the time, I didn't speak a lot of English

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 and they were passing around a whole lot of stuff.

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 And I didn't know how to say no.

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 And if it was yours, I was gonna take it, whatever it was.

224
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 And we did a lot of stuff that we shouldn't be doing

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 that I'm sure killed a lot of brain cells.

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 I am not one of those people that has memorized the big book

227
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 because I can barely memorize the first step

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 or, you know, the serenity pair.

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 But we had a great time, great time.

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 And I suffer from another disease,

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 which is if it's good over here, it's better over there.

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 And we would jump in my car.

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 I bought this car for $300.

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 I wish I had it today.

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 It was a '67 Pontiac Le Mans, yellow.

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 Fabulous car.

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 I love all cars.

238
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 And I really wish I had it today,

239
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 but I didn't know you put oil in the car.

240
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 I mean, I was barely putting like $2 of gas, $3 of gas

241
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 when gas, when $2, $3 would have got us something, you know?

242
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 And we would be in the heart of Hollyweird

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 and then somebody would say, "There's a great party

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 in Pico Rivera."

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 And if you know what Pico Rivera is, it's quite a ways east.

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 And we would go to Pico Rivera and we would be at some party.

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 And then somebody goes, "Oh, let's go to City of Terrace.

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 There's another party over there."

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 And we'd hop around, you know, we'd hop around.

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 And then somebody would have the bright idea

251
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,040
 that we're so close to Tijuana,

252
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,640
 why don't we just head on to Tijuana, right?

253
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,160
 Now, at this point, I'm the only person,

254
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:53,480
 well, I'm the one with the car,

255
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,960
 and I am not a legal alien at the time.

256
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,920
 Now, do you think that stopped me from crossing that border?

257
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,360
 Didn't even cross my mind.

258
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,800
 I went and we went to the serious, most filthiest,

259
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,800
 I mean, we saw things in those clubs in Tijuana

260
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,120
 that you can just imagine.

261
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:12,040
 And I loved it, I loved it.

262
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:13,920
 And then we were piled back in my car.

263
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:16,640
 There were like eight to 12 kids in my car.

264
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:20,160
 I'm an alcoholic, so I do have a tendency to exaggerate.

265
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,800
 No, but the car was packed.

266
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:26,360
 And we would get, we would go through the officers, right?

267
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,480
 And like six in the morning, five, six in the morning,

268
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,760
 seven, you know, the sun coming up in your life.

269
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,800
 And he would just go, "Citizens, U.S. citizens?"

270
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,680
 And we would go, "Yep, and where we went, there we went."

271
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:40,920
 I mean, how, and that happened a couple of times.

272
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:44,000
 How did we not get thrown in jail or done something?

273
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,200
 I just think the grace of God was so incredible

274
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,160
 at the time, you know, watching out for us.

275
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:52,120
 I mean, many a times when my car didn't have any gas,

276
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,440
 I would walk down, you know, from Hollywood

277
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,000
 at four in the morning with my brother.

278
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,960
 My brother was my dancing partner and my drinking partner.

279
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,280
 And you know, we were kids.

280
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,320
 And then all of a sudden a car would drive by

281
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:05,680
 and we would hitchhike and somebody would pick us up.

282
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,680
 How did something awful didn't happen to us?

283
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,560
 I, to this day, I really think

284
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:12,480
 that there was definitely an angel watching over us.

285
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,640
 But anyway, then I moved to Venice,

286
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:18,160
 which is another fabulous place for an alcoholic like me.

287
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,920
 And I lived right on the boardwalk, you know?

288
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,040
 And it was like, when the freaks come out at night,

289
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,400
 that's when I came out, you know?

290
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,120
 I didn't really, I saw the sun some

291
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:28,880
 because I lived right on the beach.

292
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:31,920
 But it was, I didn't get up until like midday

293
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:33,760
 or two in the afternoon, you know?

294
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:35,000
 'Cause I was a night person.

295
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,440
 I always told myself, "I'm a night person, you know?

296
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,160
 You're a morning person, I'm a night person."

297
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:41,440
 And I had a great time in Venice too.

298
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:42,720
 You know, just a wonderful time.

299
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:43,920
 Never thought I would leave Venice

300
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:45,320
 because I felt like home.

301
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:48,360
 I felt like home with all these, you know, strange people.

302
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:49,360
 You know, I feel like it.

303
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,400
 Anyway, the Santa Monica Highway Police

304
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:52,640
 didn't think it was so cute

305
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,440
 that I was drinking and driving.

306
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,680
 I had come out of a club in Santa Monica

307
00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,040
 and I had drank a lot of tequila that night.

308
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:00,880
 As a matter of fact,

309
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,160
 my friends took away my keys that night.

310
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,200
 But you know how we are.

311
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,240
 We're charming.

312
00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,960
 I mean, you know, my first sponsor said to me,

313
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,240
 "It's not acute alcoholism, Brenda.

314
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,440
 It's acute and you will die."

315
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,640
 But she knew that up until that point,

316
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,080
 I had used cuteness to get my way, right?

317
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,960
 So this night I got the keys away from my friends.

318
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,680
 And I said, "You know, I'm just gonna go home.

319
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,320
 Just a couple of blocks down."

320
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,960
 And I jumped on the freeway heading on to Hollywood

321
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:28,080
 with no lights on.

322
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,240
 And I'm a hundred percent sure that night

323
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,360
 I probably would have killed somebody.

324
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,000
 I just heard a speaker the other day

325
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,440
 who killed a little boy, 14-year-old boy.

326
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,880
 And for the grace of God, that would have been me, right?

327
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,040
 There's no doubt.

328
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:40,400
 And they threw me in the tank

329
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:43,240
 and the next morning they took me in front of a judge

330
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:47,200
 and the judge sentenced me to six AA meetings.

331
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,840
 And I remember raising my hand quickly and saying,

332
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,240
 "But your honor, I'm not an alcoholic."

333
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,160
 And I meant it.

334
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:54,680
 And then the public defender said,

335
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:57,440
 "If you don't shut up, he's gonna give you 60 meetings."

336
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,080
 And I thought, 60 meetings?

337
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,320
 That was horrifying.

338
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:01,160
 I was horrified.

339
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,040
 And so I went to my first meeting of alcoholics and armors

340
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,880
 in the Alamo Club in the west side of Pico Boulevard.

341
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:11,880
 And I sat up front and I did not identify with these people.

342
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,880
 You know, they looked like the, Susan talked,

343
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,720
 the trench coats, you know, with, you know,

344
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,640
 they looked like they had just come out of jail, no job.

345
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:21,680
 I had a job, I had a car, I had a place to live.

346
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,520
 So I looked for all the differences.

347
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,200
 And if you're new here in this room, you know,

348
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,680
 I urge you to try to listen to the similarities

349
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:31,040
 because I looked for all the differences.

350
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,320
 And I just, you know, I'm not like these people.

351
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:34,160
 So I left.

352
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:35,320
 In the next eight months,

353
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,080
 I did everything that is described

354
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,600
 in the big book in chapter three.

355
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:43,160
 I joined a gym for $500 and I went to a sauna twice,

356
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:44,280
 never exercised.

357
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,880
 I switched drinks, you know, I try to control,

358
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:51,040
 I try to enjoy my driving and not drinking.

359
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:52,760
 And then somebody said, you know,

360
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:56,560
 if you smoke hashish, it's organic and it's not addictive.

361
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,680
 And then after staring at a trash bag for three hours

362
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,800
 with that stuff, I thought, I gotta start drinking.

363
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,200
 You know, this stuff is gonna kill me.

364
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,920
 And my last drunk started on Thanksgiving of 1986.

365
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,040
 You know, I love that, you know, some people think,

366
00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:11,440
 well, my last drunk was one day or two days.

367
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:15,040
 My drunk began on Thanksgiving of 1986.

368
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:19,240
 And I was drinking with a force that I,

369
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:23,640
 because I was trying so hard to get out of my brain,

370
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,440
 to get out of self and I wasn't able to anymore.

371
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,840
 And I remember, you know, the last weekend

372
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:32,040
 before I got sober, I had drank a lot of tequila

373
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,360
 and I love tequila 'cause it makes you hallucinate

374
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,200
 and it makes you see things that are not there.

375
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,280
 I also love chartreuse, which, oh, you know,

376
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,160
 you ooze green stuff out of coming out of your body.

377
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,080
 And those were my last drunks.

378
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,880
 And I remember getting on my knees in front of the toilet

379
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:49,480
 because that was one of my favorite places to pray at.

380
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,040
 You know, you feel the coolness of the toilet

381
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,560
 right next to your cheek, you know,

382
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,800
 and you're just praying to a God that,

383
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,240
 I was praying to a God that I did not believe in.

384
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:01,000
 'Cause I knew I was in his naughty list, you know.

385
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,720
 Somebody had said, you know, I mean,

386
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,840
 good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

387
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:06,320
 And I was gonna take the ladder.

388
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:07,480
 You know, I was gonna go everywhere.

389
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:10,320
 And I prayed and I said the alcoholic prayer.

390
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:11,800
 I said, "God, please help me."

391
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:12,880
 Not believing in God.

392
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,640
 And the next morning I went back to that Alano Club

393
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,480
 and somebody recognized me, you know,

394
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,640
 which I don't, you know how we recognize newcomers.

395
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:21,400
 And this guy's name was Luis.

396
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,520
 And I will never forget Luis.

397
00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,080
 And I've never seen him since.

398
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,680
 37 years later, I've never seen Luis since.

399
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,960
 But Luis told me by far the most powerful words

400
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,840
 that I will utter tonight.

401
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:35,000
 He said, "Get up to the podium, say your name,

402
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,600
 "say that you're an alcoholic and that you need help."

403
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,960
 And I don't know why I listened to Luis.

404
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:40,960
 He was a stranger.

405
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,480
 I don't listen to anyone.

406
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:43,480
 I'm a rebel.

407
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,040
 I break rules.

408
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,360
 Rules were to be broken.

409
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:47,600
 Laws were to be broken.

410
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,040
 And for some reason, I listened to Luis

411
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,480
 and I got up to the podium and I said,

412
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:52,320
 "My name is Bryn.

413
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:53,760
 "I'm an alcoholic and I need help."

414
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,360
 And my journey in alcoholics anonymous began.

415
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:58,560
 And they started giving me all this commitment.

416
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,040
 And I thought, what were these poor people doing

417
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,080
 before I got here?

418
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:03,400
 (all laughing)

419
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,520
 I got the coffee commitment, the literature commitment,

420
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:06,880
 the secretary commitment.

421
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,600
 I had a commitment every day.

422
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,320
 I had no idea they were trying to save my life.

423
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,480
 I was arrogant.

424
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:16,440
 And then I kept hearing about get a sponsor, get a sponsor.

425
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,680
 And so I had run across this little meeting directory

426
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,320
 that somebody had given me at drunk driving school.

427
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:26,120
 And I went to the Santa Monica Way of Life,

428
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,320
 Saturday night meeting of the Pacific group.

429
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:31,280
 And I walked in, I had two weeks sober.

430
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,800
 I walked in and there were like 400 young people

431
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:35,640
 at this meeting.

432
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:39,120
 10, a lot of teeth all coming all at once at me.

433
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,360
 And here's my number, call me.

434
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,600
 And of course, I was like overwhelmed.

435
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,000
 And I met my first sponsor there.

436
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,680
 And I learned how to stay sober for my first sponsor.

437
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,400
 She only sponsored me for three months.

438
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,560
 And I'll tell you in a minute why.

439
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,320
 But she told me to get to a meeting an hour

440
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,200
 before the meeting starts.

441
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,440
 She told me to get a commitment

442
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,480
 at every meeting that I go to.

443
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,200
 She told me to shake hands,

444
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,800
 ask people for their phone numbers, call them.

445
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:02,880
 I didn't call them.

446
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:03,840
 I just got their phone.

447
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,280
 And she told me to call her every day.

448
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:08,480
 She told me to call her every day at 7.30 in the morning.

449
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:09,640
 But I had never gotten up.

450
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:11,680
 That's 7.30 in the morning, not until that morning.

451
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:12,800
 So I called her at 11.

452
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,480
 And she kept hanging up on me, like five times.

453
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:17,520
 And then the sixth time she goes,

454
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:18,880
 "What time did I tell you to call me?"

455
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,120
 You remember, I don't like this type of people.

456
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,640
 I said, "7.30."

457
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,120
 He goes, "Talk to you tomorrow, click."

458
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,080
 Kind of rough, but I need it.

459
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,600
 She could see right through all my baloney,

460
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,000
 all my BSing.

461
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:32,840
 She could see,

462
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,840
 I hope you have somebody like that in your life,

463
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,600
 'cause I need something like that in my life.

464
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:41,000
 Or otherwise I'll do a Mexican hat dance around you.

465
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,880
 I'll just pull it from someplace.

466
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,200
 Anyway, I did everything she asked me to do,

467
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:48,000
 except for don't get into a relationship.

468
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,080
 I had met him in drunk driving school,

469
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:51,320
 because that's where I go

470
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:53,560
 to pick from the elite of the insane.

471
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,960
 And he was really cute, blonde, blue eyes,

472
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,200
 my type, tall.

473
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,440
 And I thought, "He's got a lot of potential."

474
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:00,840
 And he wasn't sober.

475
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,120
 He had a bunch of chips dangling.

476
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:04,600
 And apparently he was,

477
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,480
 like every week he was raising his hand.

478
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,040
 That's like he was collecting all these chips.

479
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:12,280
 But then when I came into the Santa Monica way of life,

480
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,800
 I got glued to him.

481
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,560
 And what made him more exciting

482
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,520
 is that he had another girl pregnant,

483
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,360
 another newcomer pregnant in our group.

484
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:24,600
 It made for a really fun first year of sobriety, really fun.

485
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,480
 Sometimes you think people are talking about you,

486
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:28,800
 but in this case they were talking about us.

487
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:32,600
 And my home group at the time was pretty big.

488
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,440
 I mean, my home group was about 1,200 people,

489
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,720
 and they were all talking about us.

490
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:39,480
 And anyway, at the end of that year,

491
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,520
 I remember that in our home group,

492
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:43,840
 when you turn one,

493
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,560
 they have this thing called a watch.

494
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,840
 And people come to watch you turn one.

495
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,600
 And we start at 10 o'clock at night,

496
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,080
 and then right at midnight,

497
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,720
 they go 10, nine, eight, seven,

498
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,560
 and they go happy birthday.

499
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,480
 And I remember thinking, did I smoke something?

500
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,000
 Did I drink something?

501
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,960
 It was so overwhelming to think

502
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,680
 that I was sober for a year,

503
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:09,760
 because it was not possible for me to stop drinking.

504
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:11,200
 I love drinking.

505
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:14,320
 I thought, how am I ever gonna go to a Dodger game

506
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,760
 and not have a beer and a hot dog?

507
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,680
 Now, I had never been to a Dodger game.

508
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,440
 But I did think about it.

509
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,400
 So it was not possible, but God made it,

510
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,000
 God did the impossible.

511
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,760
 And I did not believe in God,

512
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,440
 but God did the impossible for me.

513
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:34,080
 Anyway, my husband went to get our marriage license,

514
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,680
 and he came back and yelling,

515
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,560
 "Honey, we can't get married."

516
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:38,600
 And I said, "Why, honey?

517
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:39,520
 Why can't we get married?"

518
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,040
 And he goes, "Because apparently you already are."

519
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,360
 And I guess in my drunken stupor,

520
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:46,880
 for some years before, I had married somebody,

521
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,520
 and I had no recollection, no recollection.

522
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:52,400
 So it took me two and a half years to find his name,

523
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:53,640
 find out who he was.

524
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,160
 It was a friend of mine's friend

525
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,480
 who was gonna be deported, and when I was drunk,

526
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,240
 I said, "I'll marry him."

527
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:00,320
 You know that, that.

528
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,440
 We're such generous people, right?

529
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,760
 I mean, I was one of those people,

530
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,360
 ah, pick up the tab, right?

531
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:08,280
 Little did I know I was hurting me.

532
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:09,840
 I was trying to get validation.

533
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,440
 I was trying to get value from your approval.

534
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,720
 But anyway, at the end of, we got married,

535
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,320
 and at the end of my first year,

536
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,640
 I mean, life happens that has a lot of ups and downs,

537
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:21,760
 a lot of good and bad.

538
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,400
 Alcoholics Anonymous never promised me jobs,

539
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,520
 and I've had many.

540
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:28,160
 It never promised me a house, and I've had several.

541
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,600
 It never promised me a man, and I've had one.

542
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:34,400
 And you know, it promises me 24 hours sober.

543
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:38,000
 It promises me freedom from the bondage of self

544
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,640
 for 24 hours, right?

545
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,320
 And I'm way overpaid if I get that.

546
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,080
 I'm shooting for midnight tonight.

547
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,200
 If I get that, I'm overpaid, you know?

548
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,920
 That's why, you know, the extras,

549
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,320
 the blessings that have come into my life,

550
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:51,400
 I mean, they could never,

551
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,160
 never repaid what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me.

552
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:57,140
 But anyway, I had, I became an instant mom.

553
00:21:57,140 --> 00:21:59,640
 I had this little redhead boy with blue eyes

554
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:01,360
 who was just, it's the light of my life.

555
00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,600
 He just made me a grandma again, has two kids.

556
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,280
 And Mondays, he had another little baby girl.

557
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,280
 And I remember, you know,

558
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,480
 because of the tools of the program,

559
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,720
 the steps and making amends,

560
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:16,400
 his mother has had a very hard time staying sober

561
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:17,240
 continuously.

562
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,000
 And, you know, she thanked me

563
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,160
 when he graduated from law school.

564
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:23,580
 You know, she said, you know,

565
00:22:23,580 --> 00:22:25,000
 thank you for being the mother

566
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,600
 that I couldn't be at that time.

567
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,640
 And you know, I was not mother material, you know?

568
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,720
 I was in the gutter and the alleys.

569
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:33,440
 You know, I was, I was a wild thing.

570
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:34,800
 And, but for some reason,

571
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:36,760
 God gave me that gift of being a mother.

572
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,480
 And I have been a great mother.

573
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:41,000
 My three kids have grown up in Alcoholics Anonymous.

574
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,100
 I used to bring my kids.

575
00:22:42,100 --> 00:22:43,920
 All, they all have been through AA.

576
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:45,000
 And as a matter of fact,

577
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,080
 one of them started to quack like a duck

578
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:48,220
 and walk like a duck.

579
00:22:48,220 --> 00:22:49,960
 And sure enough, he's a duck.

580
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:53,840
 And he's celebrating five years of sobriety in May,

581
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,480
 Cinco de Mayo, Cinco de Drinko.

582
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:57,920
 And I tell him, I said,

583
00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:01,360
 every mother's dream is for their son to come in through AA.

584
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,600
 But luckily, you know, he has found his truck.

585
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:04,760
 He has found his people.

586
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,000
 He's very involved in Lockie Pie.

587
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,000
 And today I went to a little event that they had.

588
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,800
 And it's all these young people that are on fire

589
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:14,840
 for AA, enthusiastic.

590
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,400
 I feel like a dinosaur when I'm around them.

591
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:21,600
 But they are, I love their contagious enthusiasm for AA.

592
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:22,440
 It's really wonderful.

593
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:23,960
 And like I told you, you know,

594
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,920
 life has good, it has bad, it has ugly, it has wonderful.

595
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:28,440
 And I was a year and a half sober

596
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:30,440
 when my little sister was 16.

597
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,720
 And as a result of drugs and alcohol,

598
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:34,520
 not her, she wasn't doing it,

599
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:36,680
 but she was at the wrong time at the wrong place.

600
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,120
 And she was, she was killed.

601
00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:40,480
 She was shot right in the head and died instantly.

602
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:42,400
 And you know, the call that they made was to me.

603
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:45,300
 Because by that time I had a year and a half sobriety.

604
00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:47,840
 And I was able to take care of the whole family.

605
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,800
 My whole family fell apart at the time.

606
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:51,280
 My siblings, my mother.

607
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,760
 My mother was wailing like a wild animal

608
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:55,120
 because she had lost her baby.

609
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:59,800
 And I went to my meetings and I go to a lot of meetings.

610
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:00,640
 Thank God for that.

611
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,960
 Because I went to the meetings to get the strength

612
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,420
 to bring back to my family.

613
00:24:04,420 --> 00:24:06,940
 And I remember I was asked to make the decision

614
00:24:06,940 --> 00:24:09,560
 to take my sister off that life support machine.

615
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,300
 And that was a tough decision to make.

616
00:24:11,300 --> 00:24:12,240
 And it wasn't, you know,

617
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,240
 I remember going to my meeting that night

618
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:15,620
 and meditating on it.

619
00:24:15,620 --> 00:24:18,040
 And not really knowing what to do.

620
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,120
 But then I talked to the doctors the next morning

621
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:21,680
 and I made the decision, you know.

622
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:23,240
 And my mom was devastated.

623
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,120
 And that was a very rough time,

624
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:27,040
 tough time in my family's life.

625
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:29,480
 And I handle all businesses.

626
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,520
 Because up until that point I had become

627
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:36,040
 a good member of society, a good member of my family

628
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:38,080
 that I could handle those type of businesses.

629
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,320
 And then, you know, all kinds of things happened.

630
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:43,200
 My husband and I have been separated now for 14 years.

631
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:45,320
 He's a very active member of AA.

632
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:49,480
 And, you know, I learned through the steps as well

633
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,160
 and through, you know, the 11 steps especially

634
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:55,040
 is that true love never dies, you know.

635
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:59,320
 The love that I've had through all of these years

636
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,600
 doesn't have to be killed in order for me

637
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,320
 to surpass the emotional pain.

638
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:07,040
 You know, it can be transformed.

639
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:09,560
 And I think that's probably, by far,

640
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:11,600
 one of the most wonderful gifts

641
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:15,680
 that I've been giving in AA is this amount of love

642
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:19,200
 that I have for my fellows, for my fellow humans.

643
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:22,440
 You know, the amount of patience and generosity

644
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:26,840
 and kindness that I have because it's been given to me.

645
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:30,200
 You know, in the last 15 years I took care of my mother

646
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:31,640
 and I took care of my grandmother

647
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,240
 and I took care of my mother-in-law

648
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,640
 even though I was not with my husband anymore.

649
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,000
 She had lost her only daughter to a drunk driving person.

650
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:40,960
 And I knew that the humane thing to do

651
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:42,920
 was to take care of my mother-in-law.

652
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:44,240
 And she had full dementia.

653
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,600
 She didn't recognize her kids, but she knew who I was.

654
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:48,560
 She didn't know my name,

655
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:51,840
 but she knew I was the most important person in her life

656
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:53,720
 in the last three years of her life

657
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:55,200
 because I cared for her

658
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,160
 like I would have cared for one of my children.

659
00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:58,600
 And I took care of my grandmother.

660
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,000
 And my grandmother was my master when I was little.

661
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:02,560
 You know, and because of the steps,

662
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,600
 because of the gifts that I was given

663
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:06,120
 through the traditions as well,

664
00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:08,800
 I got to learn where my grandmother came from,

665
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:12,120
 what a warrior she was, what she sacrificed.

666
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:14,680
 You know, she was born in 1923.

667
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:15,920
 She lived that, you know,

668
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,240
 repercussions of the wars, the world wars.

669
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:19,280
 And she was a warrior.

670
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:20,720
 She was an incredible woman.

671
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:23,920
 And I was able to give my grandmother the blessing

672
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:24,760
 when she passed away.

673
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:26,040
 She passed away in my home

674
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:28,280
 and my mother-in-law passed away in my home.

675
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,280
 And I was able to help them bless them

676
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:33,480
 and take them into the transition into,

677
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:34,800
 you know, beyond the veil.

678
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,840
 And it was a beautiful experience

679
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:38,560
 to watch these two women, you know,

680
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:39,600
 take their last breath.

681
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,520
 And my mother has alcoholic dementia

682
00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:44,000
 because my mother, after my sister died,

683
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:45,960
 she drank with a vengeance, you know,

684
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,440
 and she has alcoholic dementia.

685
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:50,080
 And I go see my mother once a week.

686
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:51,600
 And, you know, it's a blessing.

687
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,200
 She has a great connection to her higher power.

688
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,080
 She always talks about God.

689
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:59,240
 She says the most beautiful prayers before we eat.

690
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:00,800
 And every day is a new day to her.

691
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,320
 You know, she doesn't know where she's at.

692
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,560
 She doesn't know she's been there for a long time.

693
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,320
 And every day is like, "When am I gonna leave?"

694
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:09,920
 And, you know, every day I say, "Soon."

695
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:11,400
 And she's lovely.

696
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,720
 She's just a beautiful being.

697
00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:15,440
 And I get to give that back.

698
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:19,160
 You know, I get to see what alcohol would do to me,

699
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,080
 thank you, if I kept drinking.

700
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,360
 And I hope if you're sitting here tonight

701
00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:25,360
 that you know where your movie will end

702
00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:26,640
 if you keep on drinking.

703
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:29,720
 You know, my movie will end in a federal prison in Mexico

704
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:31,200
 because I've killed somebody.

705
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:33,360
 And I don't know why that is the vision that I have,

706
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:34,560
 but I know that's the vision.

707
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:35,960
 I love going to Mexico.

708
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:37,400
 And I love drinking and driving.

709
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:40,280
 And I know that I would get mixed up with lower companions

710
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:41,640
 because that's where I feel at home.

711
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:42,800
 And that's where I would end up.

712
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,160
 So I hope that you know where your movie would end up

713
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:46,600
 if you pick up a drink again.

714
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:47,960
 I know where my movie would end.

715
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,480
 And then, you know, what else can I tell you?

716
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,760
 Just that I am forever grateful

717
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:54,840
 for what has been given to me.

718
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,600
 I really know, you know, there's been cash and prices

719
00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:58,880
 because I've worked hard for them.

720
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:02,560
 But also I think that the biggest gift that I get to have

721
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:06,200
 is, like I said, freedom from all this thinking.

722
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:08,080
 And I do it one day at a time.

723
00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:09,440
 I go to a meeting every day.

724
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:10,440
 Every day I go to a meeting.

725
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,760
 And sometimes, like yesterday, I went to three meetings.

726
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:14,680
 Not because I wanted to, but a couple of them

727
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:15,920
 were kind of snuck in there.

728
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,000
 And somebody called me and they needed me

729
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:19,160
 to cover a commitment.

730
00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:21,480
 But I love meetings of AA

731
00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:24,440
 because every time I walk into a meeting of AA,

732
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:27,280
 I walk out with hope every single time.

733
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:29,480
 It doesn't matter where my head is out to get me.

734
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:32,080
 And believe me, I have not always been the greatest

735
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,000
 of examples of AA.

736
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:37,600
 When I was about 10 years, between 10 and 12 years sober,

737
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:39,200
 I chipped away on my integrity.

738
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,360
 And I did things that I wasn't proud of.

739
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:43,120
 And believe me, it's easier to make amends

740
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:44,440
 for when you were drunk,

741
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,880
 but harder to make amends when you were sober.

742
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:48,120
 And I did do that.

743
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,360
 I cleaned house, I came honest,

744
00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:52,400
 and I started making amends.

745
00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:55,520
 And I plugged back into my home group, you know,

746
00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:57,600
 and I plugged in back into AA,

747
00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:59,520
 has always saved my life.

748
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:02,760
 You know, I'm giving commitments and they saved my life.

749
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:07,200
 You know, my home group has been like wheeling me back in

750
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:08,040
 a little bit by little,

751
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:10,120
 like a couple of years ago with the pandemic.

752
00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:12,400
 They asked me to be secretary of a Zoom meeting.

753
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:14,880
 Then they asked me to be hostess at this conference

754
00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:15,960
 in Mountain High.

755
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:18,520
 And pretty soon I'm like committed, you know,

756
00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:20,920
 saving my life, saving my life.

757
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:21,960
 And so anyway, you know,

758
00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,280
 I'm gonna thank you for saving my life tonight

759
00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:26,920
 because I know that by listening to Susan,

760
00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:28,880
 by watching your eyes, you know,

761
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,880
 because your eyes were clear and sober,

762
00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:36,640
 and I can feel the hope vibrations and the love vibrations.

763
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:40,400
 And it might be hokey if you want it to be corny or hokey,

764
00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:41,560
 but I do feel that.

765
00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:44,120
 I feel, I felt the love when I walked into this hall,

766
00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:45,360
 because I know for a fact,

767
00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:47,320
 a lot of people have walked through this hall

768
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:50,200
 and have wanted to stay sober and maybe they couldn't.

769
00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:51,840
 And we get to do that this tonight.

770
00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:53,960
 So thank you very much for your rifle.

771
00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:56,380
 (indistinct)