1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,480 - Rooftop Alcoholics, Ben, thank you for inviting me. 2 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:07,560 It's my favorite thing to do on a Saturday night. 3 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:08,400 If I'm gonna speak, 4 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,280 I wanna speak like two blocks from my house. 5 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:14,760 You know, this is the thing to do. 6 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,640 I just wanna put some time on here 7 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:19,960 so I don't get too far into it and not get sober. 8 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,140 Man, I grew up on this block right here, 9 00:00:22,140 --> 00:00:23,840 on White Oak and Stag. 10 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:27,500 And you know, and that was, you know, in the '70s. 11 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:30,440 And it was a crazy house, you know. 12 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,780 I had that house that, you know, 13 00:00:32,780 --> 00:00:35,560 there was lots of hitting and yelling. 14 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:39,420 And just, you name it, any kind of abuse there was. 15 00:00:39,420 --> 00:00:41,360 You know, I would, my dad was a musician. 16 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,160 He'd come home late at night and, you know, 17 00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:49,000 you'd hear him screaming and him hitting my mom 18 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,160 and her fighting him off. 19 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:52,720 And I remember just feeling like such a coward, 20 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,320 just a little kid, you know, five years old maybe. 21 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,800 And putting my head underneath the blanket 22 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,520 and pretending like I was asleep, you know. 23 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,720 And then I had two brothers that were 24 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,360 eight and nine years older than me, you know. 25 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:06,520 And I was not their dad. 26 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,520 And they would do the best they could. 27 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:12,120 And he would beat the hell out of them, you know. 28 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:13,600 And they would beat the hell out of me. 29 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,800 You know, it was a vicious cycle, you know. 30 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,280 And I would go to school, you know. 31 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:20,440 And I remember like thinking, 32 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:23,040 I'm the only one that feels like this. 33 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:25,920 I'm the only one that's seeing what I'm seeing, you know, 34 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,400 that has a house like this. 35 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:28,960 And that's not the truth. 36 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,400 That's just my perception. 37 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,540 Lots of people grow up like that. 38 00:01:32,540 --> 00:01:35,720 But from as long as I can remember, 39 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,480 home was not a safe place to be, you know. 40 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,860 You would not ask for help. 41 00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:42,540 You would not show weakness. 42 00:01:42,540 --> 00:01:48,560 In return, I would go to school and I never asked for help. 43 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,420 I was a bully, you know, 'cause I was bullied. 44 00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:54,600 I was, you know, I felt like, you know, 45 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,060 if I can take the beatings I get at home, 46 00:01:57,060 --> 00:01:59,520 there's no way that you're gonna hurt me at school. 47 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,340 You're my age or you're a kid. 48 00:02:01,340 --> 00:02:02,180 There's no way. 49 00:02:02,180 --> 00:02:05,400 I take beatings from my brother who's nine years older. 50 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:10,400 And, but I had this rage and I think you talked about it. 51 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,920 Like I would, you know, I would get in a pickle 52 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:17,480 and I can always, I can remember like teachers 53 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,900 and police officers and well-meaning people just like, 54 00:02:20,900 --> 00:02:24,560 if you just apologize, you're off. 55 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:25,400 You're good. 56 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,920 And I'd just be like, no, I'd be like, no, no way. 57 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:32,880 You know, and inside I'm like, I would talk to myself. 58 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,520 I'd be like, why can't you just apologize? 59 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,240 Why can't you just get over this? 60 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,600 And I was just so full of rage, man. 61 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,320 And fear, I mean, fear is really what it was, 62 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,520 what I learned later in life after I got sober. 63 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,540 But, you know, and then my dad split 64 00:02:49,540 --> 00:02:52,480 and it was just my mom raising three boys, you know. 65 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:56,960 And I would watch my, my mom was, she's an alcoholic 66 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:00,960 and she didn't start drinking until after he left 67 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,360 'cause she had to. 68 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:05,440 And, you know, I would see her come home, 69 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:08,240 her coworkers carry her in the door 70 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,160 and I would just be like, what's wrong with my mom? 71 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:12,700 You know, I would just have this, I would just, 72 00:03:12,700 --> 00:03:13,540 all this fear. 73 00:03:13,540 --> 00:03:15,800 I mean, 'cause it was like, if I didn't have her, 74 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:16,940 like who's gonna take care of me? 75 00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:18,040 I remember thinking that. 76 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,320 Like she's the only one I got. 77 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,760 And they'd throw her in bed 78 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,440 and then I'd see her crawl around 'cause she couldn't walk. 79 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,820 And she would crawl around the floor. 80 00:03:27,820 --> 00:03:30,480 And after years of watching that, I was like, 81 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:31,320 I was just callous to it. 82 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,400 I was just like, she's just drunk again, you know. 83 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,200 And then like seventh grade, man, 84 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,780 as soon as I got into Northridge Junior High, you know, 85 00:03:38,780 --> 00:03:41,240 kids said, hey, you wanna come with us, you know. 86 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:44,600 And we went over here to Sherman Way, 87 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:48,040 the Thrifty's over here on Sherman Way and Etiwanda. 88 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,240 And we stole a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps. 89 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,280 And that's the nastiest shit. 90 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,720 I don't know why. 91 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,160 That's a white person thing. 92 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:59,040 Mexicans don't drink Peppermint Schnapps. 93 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,720 But it was the closest thing to the door, you know. 94 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,900 And we, it was like toothpaste and gasoline. 95 00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:11,220 We rode our bicycles over to an alley, 96 00:04:11,220 --> 00:04:13,580 which is, I did a lot of drinking in alleys. 97 00:04:13,580 --> 00:04:16,600 I felt comfortable in alleys, you know, 98 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:20,560 and parking lots and rooftops. 99 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,800 And we're three 12-year-olds, you know, 100 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,600 in a circle there and we're taking shots 101 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,040 of this god-lawful Peppermint Schnapps. 102 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,760 And I can remember what it did for me. 103 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,460 It just took all that fear away, you know. 104 00:04:32,460 --> 00:04:35,320 And, 'cause that was, I mean, 105 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,440 that was just the common thread in my life was just fear. 106 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,680 Fear at home, fear at school, 107 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:44,680 fear at football practice, at the teen center, on victory, 108 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:45,720 you know. 109 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,760 I remember, I remember my first day, 110 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:49,680 'cause my brother played popcorn and football 111 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,600 and then high school football at Cleveland. 112 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:52,440 I want to play football. 113 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,240 And my mom didn't have any money, you know. 114 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:55,480 And she's like, all right, you know, 115 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,680 just know that you play, you're playing. 116 00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:00,320 And the first practice, this kid knocked the shit out of me. 117 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,620 I walked right off the field to the car. 118 00:05:02,620 --> 00:05:03,840 I'm like, let's go. 119 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:07,160 She's like, no, get your ass back out there, you know. 120 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:11,160 And again, I'm like, I'm full of fear, you know. 121 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,520 And I'm getting yelled at by this guy, the coach. 122 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,040 He's yelling at me. 123 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,400 And the parents would sit in the parking lot 124 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,480 and they would drink, you know, and smoke, you know. 125 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,080 That was the '70s. 126 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:25,720 And, you know, did I drink every day at 12 years old? 127 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,580 Not every day, but man, 128 00:05:27,580 --> 00:05:30,600 we came pretty close to drinking every day, you know. 129 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,320 I would go into my mom's room. 130 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:36,240 My mom used to sleep with her purse like this, you know. 131 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:39,560 'Cause it was just, my brothers were robbing and blowing. 132 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,580 We had deadbolts on all, 133 00:05:41,580 --> 00:05:44,480 everybody had deadbolts on their bedroom doors. 134 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,720 So you'd come in through the window 135 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,420 and you'd need a key 'cause there was a dead, 136 00:05:48,420 --> 00:05:49,260 you had a key. 137 00:05:49,260 --> 00:05:51,280 You had to get out of the room with a key too. 138 00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:53,160 So you had to go back out, you know. 139 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:56,360 And I would go and all I needed was $1.50, man. 140 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:59,000 At first, I'd go through the couch pillows, 141 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,040 see if I could find some change. 142 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:06,040 I just needed $1.50 so I could get a 40 of Old Emmish 800. 143 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:10,640 Yeah, I would put it at Rick Slicker through 7-Eleven 144 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:13,020 on White Oak and Sadokoy, you know. 145 00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:16,600 All I needed was, man, this is 13 years old, you know. 146 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:21,120 And we're drinking, it was easier to steal hard alcohol 147 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,360 than, you know, a 12-pack of beer. 148 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:24,560 You just steal a bottle. 149 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,080 And at 12, 13 years old, I'm drinking, 150 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:30,720 I'm drinking a pint of Southern Comfort, no problem. 151 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:31,840 I could, you know. 152 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:32,680 I love that. 153 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,660 I don't know, everybody talks shit about Southern Comfort. 154 00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:35,600 Man, I loved it. 155 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,060 It was like candy, you know. 156 00:06:37,060 --> 00:06:41,500 I built up this tolerance to alcohol, you know. 157 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,800 I remember playing quarters with my cousins 158 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:46,800 who were my elders. 159 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,460 They were 10, 15 years older than me, you know. 160 00:06:49,460 --> 00:06:51,000 And they had no problem getting high 161 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,640 with their 13, 14-year-old cousin. 162 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,960 And they were just so, they were like, 163 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,160 they looked at me and they're like, you got a problem. 164 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,360 Because I could just take shots. 165 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:04,000 I could just take shots and it was no problem. 166 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,120 And they're like, man, you drink way too much 167 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,900 for a 13-year-old, you know. 168 00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:11,520 And my mom was always trying to get us a dad, you know. 169 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:14,160 We'd be running him off, all these guys. 170 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:17,020 And, you know, her boyfriend of the week 171 00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:19,880 was spending the night. 172 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:24,600 We'd ridden up on our bikes at 12, 1 o'clock in the morning. 173 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,920 And I opened the door and his keys were right there 174 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:29,120 by the front door. 175 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,800 He had the '65 Coupe de Ville Cadillac. 176 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:32,960 It was parked right on White Oak. 177 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,440 I'm like, whoa, wait up, guys. 178 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,160 And I'm 13 years old. 179 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:37,560 I've never driven a car before, 180 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:38,560 but it didn't look that hard. 181 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:42,360 And so we're all these 13-year-olds jumping this Cadillac 182 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:44,360 and we're joyriding around Reseda. 183 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:47,840 Going down Valerio, we pimped a suitcase of beer at 7-Eleven. 184 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:52,080 And, you know, Valerio goes this way, East-West. 185 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,640 And all the streets that go across it 186 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:54,800 have that little gutter. 187 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,660 And that Cadillac would just go boom, boom. 188 00:07:57,660 --> 00:07:59,800 And you would just see all these sparks flying up 189 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,240 and we're laughing. 190 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,680 I can barely see over the street. 191 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:05,560 I'm like, this is the best. 192 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,760 I totally know why people drink and drive. 193 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,040 It's fun, you know? 194 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:11,880 And, you know, this car's like out of gas 195 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,100 and we got to put like 50 cents of gas in it. 196 00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:16,720 And I bring, that's this, that 7-Eleven right there 197 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,000 used to have gas pumps. 198 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:18,840 And I bring it in. 199 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,640 I've never put gas in a car. 200 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:25,040 And those concrete posts that saved the gas pumps, 201 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,760 I went, I just, I brought it in too tight, man. 202 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,600 And I was stuck. 203 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,780 I'm reverse, forward, and I'm just stuck 204 00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:35,680 just grinding this Cadillac on the gas pumps. 205 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,080 And I parked it right back on White Oak, 206 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,040 right in front of our house. 207 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,960 And this poor guy gets up to go to work 208 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,720 and I heard him screaming. 209 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,300 I'm like, yeah, man, I heard someone hit your car last night. 210 00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:47,140 That's a bummer. 211 00:08:47,140 --> 00:08:50,080 We live on a busy street, you know, that's what happens. 212 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:51,960 And once, you know, that guy stuck around 213 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:55,440 and became my dad, you know, and he was a good guy. 214 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:56,260 He was a good guy. 215 00:08:56,260 --> 00:08:57,100 He was the Marlboro man. 216 00:08:57,100 --> 00:08:58,960 I finally had a white dad, you know. 217 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:03,240 He wore a Pendleton every day, a Glazer Union hat, 218 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,680 Levi's and work boots, and smoked pow mows. 219 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,680 He was just hard bastard. 220 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,400 And he did everything for me. 221 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,080 I mean, he showed me really what a man was, you know. 222 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:17,040 And I got to, you know, take care of him before he died. 223 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,540 He had Alzheimer's, you know. 224 00:09:18,540 --> 00:09:20,760 And it was my privilege to do that. 225 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,120 And I learned that here. 226 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,760 I learned, I watched you guys do it for your parents 227 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:27,240 at the end of their life, you know, and it was hard. 228 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:30,620 And I was like, why me, why me, why do I have to do this? 229 00:09:30,620 --> 00:09:33,620 But I didn't want to look back and have regret, you know. 230 00:09:33,620 --> 00:09:37,040 And anyways, you know, I'm a young alcoholic. 231 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:39,520 I go to recede a continuation, you know, 232 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,780 with all the drug addicts and pregnant girls, you know. 233 00:09:42,780 --> 00:09:43,620 It was perfect. 234 00:09:43,620 --> 00:09:45,600 It was mecca, you know. 235 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,920 And, you know, I finally had a car, an Allen car, 236 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:50,840 a little Ford pickup truck. 237 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,840 And I drank and drove every day. 238 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,880 Every day, I drank on high and drank every day, you know. 239 00:09:55,880 --> 00:10:00,120 I mean, from 13 to probably the time I got sober, 240 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:03,800 my drug of choice was Old English A100 and PCP, you know. 241 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,160 That's where I like to go. 242 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:08,180 I like to like funk, lean against something 243 00:10:08,180 --> 00:10:10,380 and stay there for 10 hours, you know. 244 00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:15,740 And that's back when you could ride around, 245 00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:18,100 people could ride around in the truck, you know. 246 00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:21,160 And I like getting sideways around corners. 247 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,380 My friends are rolling around in the back of this truck 248 00:10:23,380 --> 00:10:25,480 and it's one, two in the morning. 249 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:29,200 We're down at the, we're oxing our dead ends 250 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,640 into Balboa Park in the back. 251 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:34,800 We'd sit there and drink and have the tunes blast in 252 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,340 until wee hours in the morning, really. 253 00:10:37,340 --> 00:10:40,680 And we're driving home and I'm getting crazy driving 254 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:42,800 and these guys are like, let us out. 255 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:43,640 You're gonna kill us. 256 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,240 I let them out and the next corner I go around, 257 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,120 I get sideways and I roll that drink. 258 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:49,980 With me and my buddies, no seat belts. 259 00:10:49,980 --> 00:10:53,360 We rolled that truck a couple of times on a stack 260 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,680 and I landed right on the wheels 261 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:58,880 and the top is smashed in the driver's side. 262 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:02,160 You couldn't, I mean, my head bounced off the roof. 263 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:03,640 All the windows were busted out 264 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,040 and you could not open the doors. 265 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,040 And you talk about, you know, seconds and inches. 266 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,640 I could have killed all those guys 267 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:10,000 that were in the back of that truck. 268 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,600 I couldn't see it at the time, you know. 269 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,280 I was like, you guys got lucky, you know. 270 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:16,440 But looking back, man, I was like, I know there's a guy. 271 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,680 I started that thing right up and I drove it home. 272 00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:20,500 And I drove it to receive a continuation 273 00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,440 for the next two months. 274 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,600 No windshield, the top caved in. 275 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,520 And you know, when you have no wind, 276 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,600 there's a reason for having a windshield, you know. 277 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:34,120 There's bugs and rocks that fly near your face. 278 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:35,760 So I used to wear a motorcycle. 279 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,840 I was very careful 'cause I would just drive, 280 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,480 I would drive up alleys to Lindley 281 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,840 and then I would take Lindley to school 282 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,520 and I'd park it in the high school parking lot, you know. 283 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:50,520 And people were spray painting, ouch, P-O-S, you know. 284 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,960 I remember a girl asking me for my head home. 285 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,280 Obviously she had not seen my car. 286 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,920 I walked up on this piece of crap. 287 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,640 And she's like, "This is your car." 288 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:06,640 And I helped her in the passenger side, you know, 289 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:11,860 like NASCAR and I let her wear my goggles on, you know. 290 00:12:11,860 --> 00:12:16,480 And I lived in this apartment building right here, 291 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,280 the Kingswood Village, right across the street from here. 292 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,960 And that's where it all, you know, fell apart. 293 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:25,080 I had a little girlfriend, she was probably 19. 294 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:30,080 I was 20, you know, maybe 21, it's all up there, you know. 295 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:35,440 I had, my manager was a drug dealer. 296 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,800 We were having a party in my apartment 297 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,960 and he was a boarding egg Christian too, which was weird. 298 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:45,440 And he brought up, he brought the Bible cocaine 299 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:48,240 and he brought his like buddy from church 300 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,880 who did not drink or use. 301 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,040 And I was like, "So you don't want a beer? 302 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,540 "You don't want nothing?" 303 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:54,380 He's like, "No." 304 00:12:54,380 --> 00:12:56,620 You know, and I'm like, "That makes me uncomfortable." 305 00:12:56,620 --> 00:12:58,240 You know, and I was on this guy. 306 00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,520 I'm like, "Are you a narc?" 307 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,120 You know, "What's going on?" 308 00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:02,520 It just seemed odd, you know. 309 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,760 And I was on this kid and he finally had a drink 310 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,920 and he finally had it and he was having a good time. 311 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,360 I pretty much blacked out at that point. 312 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:11,880 And then I woke up in the morning. 313 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:13,840 I came too and there were some people 314 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,520 that were passed out on the floor, 315 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,200 but I came too to this kid's screams 316 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,120 'cause he had drank too much 317 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:23,040 and he had passed out on his own and his arm was black. 318 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,640 And then we took him to the Northridge emergency 319 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:29,440 and they said that the circulation had been cut off 320 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:30,640 for way too long. 321 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,600 They were gonna have to remove his arm 322 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:33,740 or they're either gonna have to, 323 00:13:33,740 --> 00:13:35,360 he would have to wear it in a sling. 324 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:37,160 I pretty much left at that point. 325 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:41,280 And I knew that was my fault, you know. 326 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,920 And the thing, you know, I just, my life got small, 327 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:45,760 super small. 328 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:49,440 I stopped hanging out and I would just drink it. 329 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:53,760 And I had my girlfriend, we had a brand new baby 330 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:58,760 and I'm drinking and I'm hell on wheels, man. 331 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,140 Getting in fights at work. 332 00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:02,640 I'm putting my hands on that girl, you know. 333 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,880 Anyway, I'd come to in the morning and she'd say, 334 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:08,000 she'd have a mark on her head right here. 335 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,600 Well, I threw the keys at her, you know. 336 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,360 Sweat all up and down. 337 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,880 Man, I'll never do that, you know, I'm so sorry. 338 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:16,720 I meant it. 339 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,480 I mean, I felt like a monster. 340 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:20,200 But the thing is, I'm an alcoholic. 341 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:21,280 I didn't know it at the time, 342 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,240 but the more time that passes from that incident, 343 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:25,440 I start to feel better. 344 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:29,860 The more time that goes by, I started taking the towel back. 345 00:14:29,860 --> 00:14:31,000 And I started saying, 346 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,720 if you wouldn't have been yelling at me, 347 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:33,880 I wouldn't have had to hit you. 348 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:37,180 And then I came home from work one time and she was gone. 349 00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:38,320 All her stuff was gone. 350 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,820 And at this point, my life is so small. 351 00:14:40,820 --> 00:14:43,120 And she was the only one I had left. 352 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,320 So I called up central office 353 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,480 and they directed me to the Valley Club. 354 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:51,000 And at that point, it was on that island in Tampa. 355 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,940 You know, the big Alano Club, you know, 356 00:14:53,940 --> 00:14:57,320 windows in the front with the big tables 357 00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:59,880 and the podium, just like this. 358 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,600 And I'm standing in the parking lot and I'm looking inside 359 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,320 and I see everybody's putting the chairs up on the tables 360 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,240 and they're hugging each other goodbye, you know, 361 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,200 and they're laughing and sitting out there now 362 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:12,960 just shaking my head thinking, 363 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:17,080 I'm never gonna feel the way those people look, you know. 364 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,460 And this isn't the solution, you know. 365 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,460 AA's not my answer, you know. 366 00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:24,080 And Clancy talks about getting to a point 367 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,440 where there's no friendly direction anymore. 368 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:27,280 That was me. 369 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:31,160 I was 24 years old and I had nowhere to go. 370 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,760 I just sat outside and started crying. 371 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,280 And this guy pulled up, he's wearing a suit just like me. 372 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:38,320 He came up to me and he put his arm around me 373 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,560 and he said, it's gonna be all right. 374 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:41,920 It's gonna be all right. 375 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,400 But he took me inside and he sat me down 376 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:45,880 next to this little old lady 377 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:47,720 who must have been about 40 years old. 378 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:52,320 And I'm terrified, I'm terrified. 379 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:55,640 And she was white, she was a scientist. 380 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,160 She was a lot older than me 381 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,600 and all I see is the differences, you know, 382 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:03,760 and she bought me a big book and she opened the book 383 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:07,560 and she wrote, this is your sobriety date, June 11th, 1992. 384 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,120 And she said, that guy that brought you in there, 385 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,120 you should ask him to be your sponsor. 386 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,960 I was like, yeah, all right, I'll do it. 387 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,480 I didn't know what it all meant. 388 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:17,760 But I was desperate enough to take actions 389 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,960 that I didn't believe in, you know. 390 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:23,720 And that lady was Marilyn Slater from the Pacific group. 391 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:25,120 And when she started sharing her story, 392 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:26,960 I started to identify, you know, 393 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,760 just like she's drunk right now 394 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:32,880 and she knows she's held up in her garage drunk again 395 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,840 and it's gonna be like this tomorrow 396 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,840 and the next day and the next day 397 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,280 and it's never gonna change. 398 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,280 And I know how that feels and I identified. 399 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:45,520 And that guy was, the guy that has to be my sponsor 400 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,640 was a year and a half sober. 401 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,400 Might as well have been sober, you know. 402 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:51,880 Like how do you get a year and a half sober? 403 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:55,440 And he told me to be at his house the next day 404 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:56,840 and he was gonna take me to a meeting 405 00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,680 and I showed up in proper meeting attire 406 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,720 for June in the Valley with flip-flops, shorts 407 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:03,640 and a tank top. 408 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:05,040 Well, I didn't know that he just started 409 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:06,200 going to the Pacific group. 410 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,280 So it's Wednesday night 411 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:09,760 and he takes me to the Wednesday night Pacific group meeting 412 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,920 on sunset and he was on the parking crew 413 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:16,440 and they gave me the airport flashlight. 414 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,000 He's like, "Get over there and tell those people 415 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,320 to turn down the driveway." 416 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:21,960 I'm just like, "My life's over. 417 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:26,000 What's this have to do with getting sober, you know? 418 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,560 Am I gonna get my girlfriend back, you know? 419 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:29,520 And you guys just kept, 420 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,240 you just told me to keep coming back, you know?" 421 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,120 I'm like, "Man, no one's listening to me. 422 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:34,960 They just keep me, 423 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,000 they just tell me to keep coming back. 424 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,480 They don't wanna hear my problems. 425 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,840 They don't understand, you know?" 426 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:45,600 And, you know, that's a group of action, I'll say that. 427 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,000 I have a lot of problems with the Pacific group. 428 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:51,000 Man, it saved my life, saved my life, you know? 429 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,840 I drank the Kool-Aid, I'll tell you that. 430 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:56,760 I was like seven meetings a week, the yard on Saturday, 431 00:17:56,760 --> 00:18:00,440 going to watches, going to parties, you know? 432 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,120 And it was a slow burn for me. 433 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,840 It's like, I don't trust these people. 434 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,800 I definitely don't trust men. 435 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:10,320 And it's hard when you don't trust anybody, you know? 436 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,240 But the beauty was they played softball for me. 437 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,880 I hadn't played sports, I hadn't run, I hadn't laughed, 438 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:17,880 you know? 439 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:22,160 And over there, you learn to grow some thick skin. 440 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:23,840 You learn to laugh at yourself. 441 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,840 And nothing was funny at first. 442 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:28,280 I got in a lot of fights in sobriety 443 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,320 'cause I thought you were laughing at me, you know? 444 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,920 And you were, everybody was, you know? 445 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:37,040 And it was funny, but I was so hypersensitive, man. 446 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:40,240 Like you made me look stupid, you're gonna pay. 447 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,840 'Cause I remember what that felt like when I was a kid, 448 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,040 you know? 449 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,520 Except I'm not a little kid anymore, you know? 450 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,800 And these are people that care about me. 451 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:52,480 And I can remember if you saw a picture of me 452 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:56,200 before I got sober and everybody in my family, 453 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,840 any kind of family picture, everybody had a smile like this. 454 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:00,440 I mean, no one knew how to smile. 455 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,640 No one laughed, nothing was funny, you know? 456 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:07,000 And then I looked at a picture at a wedding, 457 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,520 a AA wedding, and it was the first time I had ever smiled. 458 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:13,640 And I mean, it was cool, but it was also sad, you know? 459 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,640 'Cause I started to, I started to laugh in AA. 460 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,480 I started to laugh at myself. 461 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:20,280 I started to, you know, 462 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:22,920 just not take everything so seriously. 463 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,480 And my life started to change 464 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,120 when I didn't even notice it, you know? 465 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,960 And I started to not, I noticed that I started 466 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:34,160 to not be afraid all the time, every day. 467 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,760 And you know, I do jiu-jitsu now. 468 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,080 I've been doing jiu-jitsu for a long time. 469 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:42,560 And that's my, I have another community in that community. 470 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:46,600 And we all went out to coffee after class yesterday. 471 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,560 We're sitting there, it's just like this. 472 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,480 It's a fellowship, you know? 473 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,400 We're sitting there, we take pictures. 474 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,200 Now look at my pictures and pictures of these guys 475 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,720 who are, I would never mix with these people. 476 00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,880 Not because I'm better than them, 477 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:03,440 but because I'm not good enough to be with people like this. 478 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,040 That was my problem, you know? 479 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,480 I'm just, I'm not good enough, I'm dumb. 480 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,440 And drinking, fix that. 481 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,000 So you take that away from me, 482 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,520 and now what am I left with? 483 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:15,520 I have to fix, I have to work on my character defects. 484 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,400 I have to see what my shortcomings are. 485 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,040 I gotta drink some of this water, thanks. 486 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:22,800 And it takes a lot of work, you know? 487 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,480 It's like the steps, the steps in my first year, 488 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:26,840 I did them the best I could. 489 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,400 The best I could for someone that couldn't remember 490 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:31,440 half of the shit he had done, you know? 491 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,240 But you get five years of sobriety, 492 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,360 all of a sudden my life is running out my sleeve, you know? 493 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,720 And I'm remembering stuff that I had done. 494 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:42,520 Like that kid that happened with his arm across the street, 495 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,640 I didn't remember that in my first inventory. 496 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,320 I didn't, I was a burnout, man. 497 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,440 I could not read when I got here, you know? 498 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,840 And to get asked to do, you know, 499 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,120 how it works Wednesday night, 500 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,600 I'm stuttering and stumbling through there. 501 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:57,840 I'm sweating. 502 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,920 I'm like, I'm gonna pout, you gotta breathe, you know? 503 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,880 Like the best part of life is breathing. 504 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,160 And I'm like, I'm gonna pass out, you know? 505 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:10,840 And I'm that guy that got through the chapter five 506 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,920 and everybody applauded, you know? 507 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,480 And I felt that big. 508 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:17,000 So, you know, getting about five years of sobriety, 509 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,000 I had to go through the steps again 510 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,040 and it had to be thorough. 511 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:24,760 And then my sobriety went to a different level 512 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:25,600 at that point. 513 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,680 And then I started sponsoring guys, you know? 514 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:28,680 'Cause I would whine. 515 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,120 I'd had like two, three years, three years of sobriety. 516 00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,240 And I'm like, how come no one's asking me to sponsor them? 517 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:34,880 You know, I got a lot to offer. 518 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:37,360 I had nothing to offer, you know? 519 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,800 I was that guy on the fringe talking shit 520 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,880 about all you got, all you joiners, you know? 521 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:43,920 You kiss asses. 522 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:45,160 Oh, I gotta commit. 523 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:46,000 What's your commitment? 524 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,200 What's your, I got this guy. 525 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:48,280 I'm like, whatever, dude. 526 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:49,840 You know, I signed up for something, 527 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,880 but I wouldn't show up to do it, you know? 528 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:55,360 And I saw everybody that I got sober with getting better. 529 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:56,200 I was not. 530 00:21:56,200 --> 00:22:00,040 And this guy, Homeless Ray, asked me to sponsor him. 531 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,360 Homeless Ray lived on, 532 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,360 he lived behind a bush on Wilshire and Sepulveda 533 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:07,000 on the freeway underpass right there 534 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,320 before they changed it all. 535 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,040 And I'd pull up in my little roofing truck 536 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,280 and I'd honk my horn and Ray would come out, 537 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,400 jump in the truck and we'd go to fellowship 538 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:15,600 before Wednesday night. 539 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:16,760 We'd go to the meeting 540 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,800 and I'd take Ray back to the bush, you know? 541 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,240 I told Ray, I go, you're my first and only sponsee, dude. 542 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:23,760 I'm gonna take you to the top. 543 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,000 Watch, I'm gonna show all these dudes what's up. 544 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,160 Ray drank like three days later. 545 00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:31,400 He was drinking probably the whole time, you know? 546 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:35,000 And my motives weren't right, you know? 547 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,240 I cared more about me than I cared about anybody else. 548 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:41,920 And it wasn't until I started caring about other people 549 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,800 and it happened slow for me. 550 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,840 And, you know, I've been married a few times now. 551 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,760 I love Asian women, yeah. 552 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,840 There's a reason why they tell you don't date in AA. 553 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:54,040 'Cause if it doesn't work out, she's over there 554 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,600 on the other side of the room looking way better 555 00:22:56,600 --> 00:23:00,240 than when she was with me, right? 556 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,040 And now it's not a safe place, you know? 557 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,520 I come here to save my life and all I can think about 558 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:08,320 is her, who she's sitting with, yada, yada, yada. 559 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,800 But, you know, we had some kids, you know? 560 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,040 All the kids worked for me, I have a roofing company, 561 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:16,040 you know, that I started my first year sobriety. 562 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,440 I saw this guy who could not stay sober, 563 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,480 slap a magnet on the side of his van 564 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:21,560 and he was in business. 565 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:24,160 And I was like, man, if this dude can do it, I can do it. 566 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,880 You know, finally I started to believe 567 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,000 that I could do something in life. 568 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,080 You know, I've been in business ever since, you know? 569 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:33,040 That's why I think there's so many entrepreneurs in AA 570 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,240 because no one will hire them, you know? 571 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:37,400 Because we can't work for other people, you know? 572 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,880 And I think we're way sharper 573 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:42,720 than we give ourselves credit for, you know? 574 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,800 I've seen so many people just accomplish so much stuff 575 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:48,760 in AA, you know, in recovery. 576 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,360 Go to school, come out of the mission, 577 00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:53,400 start their own businesses, you know? 578 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:54,240 It's a miracle. 579 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:55,640 That's how I know there's a God. 580 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,080 I know there's a God. 581 00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,120 And it's doing all the stuff that I don't wanna do, 582 00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:02,400 you know, that's what changes my life, you know? 583 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,680 I don't feel like being here. 584 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,080 I mean, I do now. 585 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:10,080 But when I was getting dressed, I was comfy and it was warm. 586 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:13,560 I'm in my underwear, you know? 587 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:17,000 But it's all the stuff that I don't wanna do, you know? 588 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:21,560 Ray T. talks about being divinely inconvenienced, you know? 589 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:22,600 It's God, you know? 590 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:23,800 It's God working my life. 591 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:28,640 It's doing for other people. 592 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,800 That's how I get out of myself, you know? 593 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,120 And I have to keep my commitments 594 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:36,040 and say yes to AA requests. 595 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,480 I do that, my life changes. 596 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:38,320 Thanks so much.