1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,560 Hi everybody, my name is Janice Offowitz. 2 00:00:01,560 --> 00:00:02,940 I'm an alcoholic. 3 00:00:02,940 --> 00:00:04,080 Hello. 4 00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:05,340 And I think I can wait right there. 5 00:00:05,340 --> 00:00:06,720 Hi everybody on Zoom. 6 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:08,480 Nice to see you all. 7 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:10,240 I am super honored to be here 8 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:14,000 and I want to thank Ben for the honor and privilege. 9 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,440 And we've become buddies, texting buddies. 10 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,760 And I love that about Alcoholics Anonymous. 11 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,340 And I want to thank Skylar for reading chapter five. 12 00:00:21,340 --> 00:00:24,100 And I want to read Tarik for reading the 12 traditions. 13 00:00:24,100 --> 00:00:26,360 And I want to thank my hostess with the mostest, 14 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,960 Karen, for welcoming me and showing me around, 15 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,960 especially the bathroom when I got here, no luck. 16 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:32,680 And your love and your kindness. 17 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:36,480 And Bruce for being my escort in the good way today, right? 18 00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:38,120 And I especially want to thank Sean. 19 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:40,560 That was an awesome, awesome share. 20 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,080 Thank you so much. 21 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:44,000 I got a meeting because now you got to hear me, 22 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,100 but I got my meeting. 23 00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,720 Thank you so much. 24 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,980 I absolutely love Alcoholics Anonymous 25 00:00:48,980 --> 00:00:50,440 and I love alcoholics. 26 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:52,440 And Nate, great job leading the meeting. 27 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,200 And it was so great to meet 28 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,280 each and every one of you tonight. 29 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:57,840 And I feel like I'm meeting all of you too. 30 00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,480 You know, you're my brothers and my sisters. 31 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:00,840 You're my people, you're my tribe. 32 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:01,840 You are my peeps. 33 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:03,040 And you know, bottom line, 34 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:04,320 let me tell you my variety date. 35 00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:06,460 It's May 11th, 1997. 36 00:01:06,460 --> 00:01:08,920 My home group is the Pacific roof down the street 37 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:10,660 and my sponsor's Pat Yoke. 38 00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:15,560 And those are really important things to me to this day. 39 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,980 I love Alcoholics Anonymous. 40 00:01:17,980 --> 00:01:20,920 You know, I didn't get sober my first, second, third, 41 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:23,880 fourth, fifth, I can't even. 42 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:24,840 Anybody relate? 43 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:25,800 I'm a retread. 44 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,280 But one thing about me, 45 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:29,480 one thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is I do know, 46 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,080 I related to everything Sean was saying. 47 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,460 One thing I do know is that I know a lot of people 48 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:34,820 that got sober their first name. 49 00:01:34,820 --> 00:01:36,460 And I know that that's possible. 50 00:01:36,460 --> 00:01:37,480 That's not my story. 51 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:40,920 And I'm gonna keep my story because here's how it goes. 52 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:42,940 I was born in Torrance, California. 53 00:01:42,940 --> 00:01:44,720 I'm the middle misfit of three kids. 54 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:45,560 And you know what? 55 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:48,200 I was born, I believe, alcoholic. 56 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,040 You know, I was lying at the age of two and three. 57 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,560 You know, did you eat the cookies in the cookie jar? 58 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:54,860 There's crumbs all over my face. 59 00:01:54,860 --> 00:01:55,860 And I'm like, no. 60 00:01:55,860 --> 00:01:59,240 Did you take all the icing off the cake and put it back? 61 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,080 No, my sister did it. 62 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:03,160 You know, I was just a liar, right? 63 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:04,560 I was a liar. 64 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:07,920 There was something about my family, 65 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,720 mom, dad, brother, sister, love my family so much. 66 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,320 We had a dysfunctional family. 67 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,320 Mom and dad fought all the time. 68 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:15,960 That doesn't make me alcoholic. 69 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,560 But they fought, they weren't a good mix. 70 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:19,760 But you know, they did everything for us. 71 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:21,000 And it wasn't enough. 72 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,200 You know, I'm the girl that needs more. 73 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:24,920 I need more of everything. 74 00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:26,920 I was a chunky kid. 75 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:28,920 I remember at the age of five, 76 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,480 it was all about me and kindergarten. 77 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,440 My mom cut my hair and everybody called me James. 78 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:36,560 And I had a profound effect of that. 79 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:38,800 You know, and I, you know, it was like, 80 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,960 I remember very early too in my very young years. 81 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,900 My mom and dad would fight, but my mom would say, 82 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:45,000 you know, go out in the world 83 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,840 and make sure everybody thinks everything is fine. 84 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:47,920 You know, it's fine. 85 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:48,760 We don't fight. 86 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,280 We don't like pull knives out of the house. 87 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,420 We don't have pots and pans flying through the house. 88 00:02:52,420 --> 00:02:54,640 So I became fine. 89 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,080 Everything is good, fine. 90 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:57,920 People pleasing, Sean, me too. 91 00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:01,280 People pleasing, whatever you wanted to see is what you got. 92 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,280 You know, and my first chemical 93 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:06,200 from the neck up besides sugar was Dexadrine. 94 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:07,920 Okay, I'm a very high energy girl. 95 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:11,260 I do not need to be on speed at the age of nine. 96 00:03:11,260 --> 00:03:13,040 At the age of nine, I was chunky. 97 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,360 My mom did not want that for us girls 98 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,520 because my mother was a very heavy girl 99 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:20,160 and she did everything in her power to help us. 100 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:22,180 So I was taking Dexadrine at the age of nine. 101 00:03:22,180 --> 00:03:24,400 I was helping mom clean the house. 102 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:25,880 Mom and dad drank. 103 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:27,600 Mom and dad did drink. 104 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,440 They seemed to get along better when they drank. 105 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:32,040 I loved everything about the drink with them. 106 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,200 I loved everything. 107 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,240 I loved the clicky click of the ice. 108 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,800 I loved everything that they did. 109 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,120 It was very attractive and sexy to me. 110 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,440 My dad smoked. 111 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:41,480 I loved that. 112 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:43,000 My brother and sister didn't like that 113 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,440 but I remember I was very young 114 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,120 and mom and dad were Italian 115 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:48,200 and we could have a little wine at dinner 116 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:49,400 and we could have a little beer. 117 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:52,040 I remember I had some beer, my dad's Coors beer 118 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,640 when I was like 10, 11. 119 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,760 I remember I would put salt in my dad's phone. 120 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:57,760 That was so cool. 121 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:02,760 And cold duck and Spamanti and Bartles and James 122 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,960 but the thing I really liked was Booms Farm tickle pink. 123 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:08,680 Anybody get tickled pink like I did? 124 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:09,520 I loved it. 125 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:12,760 And so I remember, here's life is what's going on. 126 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,120 I'm the girl, I'm very sociable. 127 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,940 I get along with people that I'm uncomfortable in my skin. 128 00:04:17,940 --> 00:04:19,940 Super uncomfortable in my skin. 129 00:04:19,940 --> 00:04:22,480 I care more about what you think of me than I do. 130 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,800 So I'm going to be whatever you want me to be. 131 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:25,880 And I remember that. 132 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:29,320 But when I drink, honey, I am a bag of chips 133 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,600 and you are lucky to be with me. 134 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,800 And that started happening for me very early. 135 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,020 When I started getting that buzz on, 136 00:04:35,020 --> 00:04:38,280 I'm like, oh, you are on the natch. 137 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:39,360 I care about what you think of me. 138 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:40,960 Oh my God, what do you think of me, Nancy? 139 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,400 Am I okay with everything in my teeth? 140 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:43,240 Is my butt too big? 141 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:44,360 Do you think that's my, 142 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,500 that's already the committee going really young, right? 143 00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:48,400 Like you're talking to me but I'm already thinking 144 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:49,520 about what I'm gonna say back to you 145 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:50,840 because I care about what you think 146 00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:52,960 and I need to make you think that I'm really smart. 147 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,700 And that was going very early for me. 148 00:04:55,700 --> 00:04:56,540 Anybody relate? 149 00:04:56,540 --> 00:04:58,200 The committee was started, right? 150 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,680 And I'm like, oh my gosh, but when I drink, I really care. 151 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:02,520 I really don't care. 152 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:03,520 And that happened for me. 153 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,040 It changed my perception of me and of you. 154 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,800 And I wasn't drinking every day 155 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,640 at the age of 12 and 13 and 14. 156 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,520 But I do remember I started getting my buzz on 157 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,960 in high school and I remember my first brown out. 158 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,220 My parents live in Torrance. 159 00:05:17,220 --> 00:05:18,920 I actually live in that home now. 160 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:19,760 I'll get to that. 161 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,040 And I remember my first kind of brown blackout. 162 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:25,360 Everybody was laughing with me at the time 163 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,240 and pretty soon I become the laugh of the party 164 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:32,600 because I am nothing short of a liar, cheat, thief 165 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,720 and a ho ho ho as an alcoholic drinking woman. 166 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:36,820 That is what I am. 167 00:05:36,820 --> 00:05:37,960 That is what I do. 168 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:38,960 I go to jail. 169 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,280 I got DUIs. 170 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:42,280 I go to jail. 171 00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:45,480 In the car, smashing the car, on my bike, 172 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,440 walking drunk in public, on the bus. 173 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:49,960 I go to jail. 174 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,040 But that didn't start until I was 21. 175 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:55,120 So before I was 21, my parents had a, 176 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,580 this is when I started really like 177 00:05:56,580 --> 00:05:58,520 kind of already disappointed family. 178 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,720 You know, they had a graduation party for me. 179 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:01,720 And I don't know about you guys, 180 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:02,960 but I don't like to eat when I drink 181 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,680 because I like the effect produced by alcohol. 182 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,920 So I sort of blacked out at my high school graduation. 183 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,040 I don't remember. 184 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:10,500 And my parents had a little party for me 185 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,800 and I forgot to go. 186 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,600 You know, so I'm 17 years old 187 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,240 and already starting to disappoint the family. 188 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:18,740 But I always thought alcohol was the thing 189 00:06:18,740 --> 00:06:21,480 that it was very glamorous and exciting. 190 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:23,440 And I wanted to grow up really fast. 191 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,040 That's just who I was. 192 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:28,040 I started getting into bars when I was 19. 193 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:32,240 The rain tree and beach bum birds and the red onion 194 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:35,520 and poncho and wands and Don Jose, you know, 195 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,040 all these places that I was going. 196 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,960 And I started doing things that allowed me to drink more. 197 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:39,780 Right? 198 00:06:39,780 --> 00:06:43,320 I remember I had a drug driving while I was 21, 24, 31. 199 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,000 And what that was for me, 200 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,560 oh, and by the way, I'm seeing therapists 201 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:47,720 'cause I have a lot of problems. 202 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:48,560 I'm depressed. 203 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:52,080 I have eating disorders, but I drink and I drink. 204 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:56,080 And the only thing that makes me feel okay is that drink. 205 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:59,200 But I'm also, and here's what the other thing about 206 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,440 alcoholics and my brothers and my sisters, 207 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:02,540 we're hard workers. 208 00:07:02,540 --> 00:07:03,860 We've always been a hard worker. 209 00:07:03,860 --> 00:07:05,480 I'm gonna get it done and I'm gonna be a best. 210 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:06,480 I always wanted to be the best. 211 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,680 Gonna be a perfectionist, perfectionist, perfectionist. 212 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,080 You know, but things started happening. 213 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:12,960 21, I got that DUI, you know, 214 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,600 and here's how I drink a DUI. 215 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,680 Here's how I, I just wanna paint the picture for you. 216 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,800 10 Long Island iced teas, lots of kamikaze. 217 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,680 And we were doing shots of orgasms back in those days. 218 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:24,280 And I don't know, I lost track of them. 219 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:25,840 How much I drank it in the car. 220 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:27,520 And you know, I get pulled over 221 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,960 because I'm bombed out of my mind 222 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,600 about a block away from my house. 223 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,040 But there's an office, a female officer and a male officer. 224 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,240 And this is how totally inappropriate I am. 225 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:37,880 So there's a male officer and I offer him 226 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,920 a personal breathalyzer in the back of the car. 227 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,400 We'll call it a day, right? 228 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:43,740 But then I tell the female officer 229 00:07:43,740 --> 00:07:45,760 that I know that she's a lesbian 230 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:46,720 and she's going to rape me. 231 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,220 You know, they don't like that very much. 232 00:07:48,220 --> 00:07:50,800 So they handcuffed me, hogtied me, took me to jail. 233 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,480 First nudge from the judge. 234 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:53,400 Thank you, God. 235 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:54,720 Everything that has happened to me 236 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:58,320 has been my God shots to get here to you, right? 237 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,080 21, get the DUI. 238 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,440 I'm working, you know, I fulfill all those obligations. 239 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:04,280 But boy, I'll tell you, 240 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,900 I'll never forget my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. 241 00:08:06,900 --> 00:08:08,960 Y'all were talking about drinking, right? 242 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,080 Talking about alcohol and my mouth was salivating. 243 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,320 I belong to the first meeting I got here. 244 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:16,000 I didn't get sober till I was 35. 245 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:18,940 So 21, life's going on. 246 00:08:18,940 --> 00:08:20,960 I do things like break dance and weddings 247 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,900 in a short dress with no panties, skirts way up high. 248 00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:27,200 I think you do that too because I'm a blackout drinker. 249 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,920 I am unacceptable to society when I drink. 250 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,060 There is nothing ladylike about me. 251 00:08:32,060 --> 00:08:35,400 I will go home with your husband, your boyfriend, 252 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:36,800 or we'll worry about it later. 253 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,920 I immediately get ugly when I drink. 254 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,980 And I do things that women don't do, right? 255 00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:47,120 Ladies, you know, all bets are off, on the natch. 256 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,580 I already told you what I feel like. 257 00:08:48,580 --> 00:08:49,600 I care about what you think of me. 258 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:50,440 Oh my God, do you like me? 259 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:51,680 Oh my God, what are you thinking about me? 260 00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:52,520 Am I okay? 261 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:53,840 Did I sound smart? 262 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:57,280 Oh my gosh, I drink, I'm like, that's Janice. 263 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,680 You know, and I'm a slur and I'm a barfer 264 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,520 and I pee the bed everywhere I go. 265 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,800 You know, there's nothing ladylike about me 266 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,120 as an alcoholic drinking woman. 267 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,000 Get that second DUI, you know? 268 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,680 And then I, here's the thing that I absolutely love 269 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:15,640 about my story was being written 270 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:17,440 and I wouldn't have had it this way, 271 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:20,200 but I wouldn't change it for the world, you know? 272 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,540 I start, you know, seeing a therapist and I'm a liar. 273 00:09:22,540 --> 00:09:23,560 You know, how much are you drinking? 274 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,080 I'm like drinking bottles of vodka, 275 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:26,840 but you know, there's this thing about me saying 276 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:30,000 I have like three beers, but I don't know, I'm a liar. 277 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,180 My lies have lies. 278 00:09:31,180 --> 00:09:32,840 I can't keep track, right? 279 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,920 My lies have so many lies, I write stuff down. 280 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:36,360 I can't remember what I said. 281 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:39,200 I call everybody and they remember, they remember. 282 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,880 I've got some great people in my life, 283 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,800 my family, they remembered everything. 284 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:46,400 And so, you know, I went into my first rehab 285 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,280 and I'm so grateful for rehabs, 286 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:53,160 for I'm grateful for sobriety homes, 287 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,760 I'm grateful for detoxes. 288 00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:58,520 I'm grateful for all of it, you know? 289 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:02,340 But the two DUIs, you know, I had a lawyer, 290 00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:03,760 you know, I have a therapist, they're all like, 291 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,780 you actually need to be removed for a little bit. 292 00:10:05,780 --> 00:10:07,200 So I went into my first rehab. 293 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,160 And here's one thing that I am forever grateful 294 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:11,900 for experiencing. 295 00:10:11,900 --> 00:10:14,400 I stayed sober for three and a half years, 296 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,160 but I had dry variety almost that whole time. 297 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,820 Dry variety for me is I'm sober 298 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,080 and I'm living a double life. 299 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,260 At first year of those three and a half years, 300 00:10:23,260 --> 00:10:25,720 I'm working a program, but then I start doing it 301 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,440 Janice's way 'cause don't you know, 302 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,000 I actually am really smart. 303 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,740 Oh, take my will back. 304 00:10:30,740 --> 00:10:32,160 I'm my own higher power. 305 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:36,120 Meetings are things that maybe I'll go visit once in a while 306 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,120 quoting the big book of alcoholics. 307 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:39,640 So notice I'm not living that program 308 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,600 and not cleaning the wreckage up in my past. 309 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,080 And by the way, creating more wreckage, sober. 310 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:47,840 I never wanna forget how homicidal and how suicidal I feel. 311 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:48,960 And I'm so grateful. 312 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,960 I picked up a drink three and a half years and it was on 313 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,520 and it was already bad. 314 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:57,160 And it took not even a week before it got really bad again. 315 00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:58,200 Just bad. 316 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,720 I was drinking two bottles, two gallons of vodka, 317 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,960 probably the first I thought I would sippy sip, 318 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,520 control and enjoy my drinking. 319 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:09,340 Y'all told me that that wouldn't happen and you were right. 320 00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:10,960 I had never done a four step. 321 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:13,080 I had a sponsor in name only 322 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,840 and I hadn't worked one through 12. 323 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:19,040 And that started a series from 91 to 1997 324 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,840 in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous. 325 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,320 In and out, the yes were happening. 326 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,280 The yes are Janice is the kind of girl that gets pregnant 327 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,520 and doesn't know who it was with or how it happened. 328 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,780 I never wanna forget that that's who I am when I drink. 329 00:11:31,780 --> 00:11:33,880 I never wanna forget the hearts I break 330 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,320 as an alcoholic woman and the trust. 331 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:37,740 I heard Sean talk about it. 332 00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,160 Nobody trusted me. 333 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:43,720 I really just was that tornado running through people's lives 334 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:47,840 using and abusing, taking money, stealing from my family, 335 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:48,840 stealing from everybody. 336 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:49,960 I know I never wanna forget 337 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,840 that that's how I live when I drink. 338 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,120 I'm forever grateful that I don't live like that today, 339 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:55,120 that I never wanna forget 340 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,080 because I'm one drink away from it and I know it. 341 00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:59,000 And so what happened for me, 342 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,960 I told you I've always been a hard worker. 343 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:05,960 So I remember I was working at Rockwell International. 344 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:09,480 I remember I was not drinking that three and a half years 345 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,520 and then I stayed there four years drinking. 346 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:12,880 Oh my gosh, you guys. 347 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:16,480 The Ombudsman is like the biggest government in aerospace 348 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,080 if anybody knows that. 349 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,680 And they were writing big reports on me 350 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,720 'cause I was coming to work in the same clothes 351 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,000 as I had on the day before 352 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,520 because I was out drinking all night. 353 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,000 I was stealing out of people's death. 354 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,080 I was stealing out of refrigerators. 355 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,240 And I'll just never forget 356 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,800 that incomprehensible liberalization. 357 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,160 From '95 to '97, and I'm gonna get sober, 358 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,440 '95 to '97, I drank around the clock pop-up vodka 359 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,240 and I moved about a hundred times 360 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,040 because I take Janus everywhere I go 361 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:47,160 and I gotta go when you get to know me, I gotta go. 362 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:48,880 I gotta go, like I gotta go. 363 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:51,840 I moved to Long Beach, Steele Beach, Hawthorne, 364 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,040 Redondo Beach, Torrance. 365 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,280 And everywhere I live, I needed to get out. 366 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,400 And of course I go to jail everywhere I live too. 367 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,000 So in '95, here's what happened. 368 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,000 I lost that job after eight years in aerospace 369 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,520 due to my drinking. 370 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,640 My father was diagnosed with a horrific cancer 371 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:12,760 and I moved so many times 372 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,840 and I ended up really homeless 373 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,240 except my mom and dad were helping me pay my rent. 374 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,400 I was really technically homeless. 375 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,880 And then she stopped paying rent 376 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,920 and dad stopped paying rent and I was like five months behind. 377 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,960 I never wanna forget how fear feels. 378 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,920 Just fear, always looking around my shoulder, 379 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,240 always looking, the phone rings, you know who it is. 380 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:34,840 It's a bill collector. 381 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,480 I don't have anything. 382 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,480 And I would sell my soul to the devil to get money. 383 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,680 Mm-hmm, or to get anything I needed. 384 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,680 So and in between that time also, 385 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,280 Rockwell helped me try to get sober 386 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:47,160 and I had a year here in between there 387 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,200 and I have another six months here in between there, 388 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:50,280 another three months here. 389 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,160 And the thing is, is I have a lot of experience 390 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,880 in doing it Janice's way. 391 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:57,400 1997, May 11th, 1997, 392 00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:00,320 I got into the House of Hope in San Pedro for women. 393 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,400 My God knew exactly what I needed 394 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,800 and it was a very structured place 395 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,560 and it was not easy and I'm so grateful. 396 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:09,400 I'm so grateful. 397 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,600 Other sobriety have been sort of given to me 398 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,200 and things have been given to me 399 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,840 and they never stuck because it was too easy. 400 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,760 This is not, this has been, 401 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,200 my sobriety has been working one day 402 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,440 at a time for it and I'm so grateful 403 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,600 and not having handouts and having anybody say here, 404 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,120 here's your car, here's money to get out of debt. 405 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,720 I was in so much debt when I came to you guys. 406 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,200 So I got into the House of Hope 407 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,240 and the requirement there is it's 25 women 408 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,880 living in this house and let me tell you, 409 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:41,240 we came from all walks of life and by the way, 410 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:44,200 I had absolutely no female friends in my life, not one. 411 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,840 I was afraid that if you knew about me, 412 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,760 you would tell me to go away because you did, 413 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:50,280 because I had done something to hurt 414 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,480 and we had to learn how to walk through life 415 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,680 one day at a time and my sponsor would pick me up 416 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:58,000 and take me to meetings and she started taking me 417 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,280 to this place called the Pacific Group 418 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,000 and the girls in that house said, 419 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,520 that would be a really good place for you 420 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,080 and I'm like, what do they mean? 421 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,040 What do they mean by that? 422 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,360 I'm here to tell you, none of those women are sober today. 423 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,680 So grateful, not very many of them 424 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:13,200 and I know that that would have been my path too 425 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:16,240 because my first year of sobriety is what happened 426 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,440 is my sponsor started taking me to the Pacific Group 427 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,920 and I saw something there that I had never seen before 428 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,280 as the women stick with the women 429 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:23,880 and the men stick with the men and that's, 430 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:27,200 I've always been a 13-stepper and all other AA, you know? 431 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,200 And that's exactly what this alcoholic needed. 432 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,480 I needed that, right? 433 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,640 I needed that and it scared me too. 434 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,160 Like I'm like, oh, they're a little too serious here 435 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:36,520 but it's exactly what I needed 436 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,760 and I had never really done what I actually needed, 437 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:39,640 if that makes sense. 438 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:40,960 I always kind of did it my way, 439 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,280 well they're a little too serious. 440 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:45,440 So what happened for me, my first year of sobriety, 441 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,400 I was in the house of hope for six months, 442 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,920 within the in living lockdown, 443 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,640 then I went into sober living, 444 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,640 then I started dating a little beacon boy 445 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,800 who lived around the corner 446 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:57,640 and my sponsor said, 447 00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,360 you would not get in a relationship for a year, right? 448 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,040 And I said, no, I won't and I did. 449 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,960 I'm so grateful that I have that experience too 450 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,600 because it almost took me out, 451 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,080 I made it my higher power 452 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:10,960 and I did started doing what I always do 453 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,680 and what happened for me is I learned the hard way, 454 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:14,760 it's done in my growth 455 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:17,480 but here's some of the good things that happened. 456 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,400 I stayed sober, I went to meetings 457 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,880 and then I made him my higher power 458 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,640 and you know, I finally got it 459 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,520 'cause I had learned it in the Pacific group. 460 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:27,560 There was an attraction there that I couldn't even like, 461 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:28,840 it was so overwhelming 462 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,680 that I knew I actually needed to go there 463 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:31,880 and what happened for me though, 464 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,840 is that my father, I told you he was diagnosed with cancer 465 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,120 and he was really, really, really, really sick 466 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,360 and when he was really, really sick and I wasn't sober, 467 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:40,560 I couldn't be around him 468 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,320 but as long as I was sober, I could be 469 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,320 and my father saw me sober for 10 months 470 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:45,280 before he passed away 471 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:46,600 and I can't even begin to tell you 472 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:47,960 how grateful I am for that, 473 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,560 I can't even begin to tell you 474 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,040 and I got to be there and I got to be with him 475 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:54,000 and I got to be with my mom and him 476 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:55,480 and I promised him, I said, 477 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:58,000 "Dad, you know, I've been trying to do this thing 478 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,240 for a really long time, 479 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:01,960 I've been doing it for everybody else, 480 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,720 this time I gotta do it for me." 481 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:04,760 But you're my backup point, 482 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,120 doesn't matter why I came to AA, 483 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,560 doesn't matter why I kept going to AA, 484 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,840 doesn't matter why I turned myself into the Pacific group 485 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,280 but I did and what happened for me 486 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,640 'cause that first sponsor fired me 487 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,200 'cause I was lying to her, you know, 488 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,800 lying, lying and I learned really quickly 489 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,800 because I really needed that. 490 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,360 I learned really quickly, I got into the Pacific group, 491 00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:24,120 I turned myself in and I started doing 492 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,520 what everyone else was doing, you know? 493 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:27,520 Go to the meetings. 494 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:28,800 Well, first of all, get a sponsor 495 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:29,640 and my sponsor said, 496 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,960 "You're gonna call me every day at the same time." 497 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,440 I didn't realize how unmanageable my life had become. 498 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:35,600 I never really knew that. 499 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,720 The first step is I'm an alcoholic 500 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,360 and my life is unmanageable. 501 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:42,360 I learned really quickly by getting into structure. 502 00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:43,720 Structure has saved my life. 503 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:44,880 Structure saved my life. 504 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:46,200 The Pacific group saved my life. 505 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,720 The structure of the Pacific group. 506 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:51,600 Sponsor and call six women a day, besides my sponsor. 507 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,040 Go to meetings, get there early, stay late, 508 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,560 do everything this group is doing 509 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,660 and the Pacific group, as you guys probably know 510 00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:00,000 because you guys are also active group here 511 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:00,960 and you're structured. 512 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:04,320 We are very structured and that saved my life. 513 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,280 I knew exactly where I needed to be. 514 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,080 I needed to get a job to be self-supporting 515 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,480 through my own contributions 516 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:13,080 but that job is gonna be what I did in between meetings, 517 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:16,120 you know, and I made Alcoholics Anonymous everything 518 00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:17,540 and all of a sudden I'm immersed 519 00:18:17,540 --> 00:18:18,880 in something way bigger than I am, 520 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,160 which is a home group and the same people. 521 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,440 Consistency, seeing the same people. 522 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:27,320 Having a class, 1997, my classmates, you know. 523 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,860 We had 55 to begin with. 524 00:18:28,860 --> 00:18:31,400 We have about 23 now, you know, 525 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:35,480 and these traditions of the Pacific group saved me 526 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,340 and I remember my sponsor would say, 527 00:18:37,340 --> 00:18:38,780 "You know, this is what you're gonna do. 528 00:18:38,780 --> 00:18:39,760 You're gonna call six women. 529 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:41,400 You're not gonna make it about you." 530 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:42,800 You've already dumped on me. 531 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,560 I've already given you the solution for the day. 532 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:45,420 You're gonna get on your knees 533 00:18:45,420 --> 00:18:47,060 and you're gonna start doing things 534 00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:50,520 that you don't believe in, like start talking to your God. 535 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:51,720 We started reading the big book 536 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:53,320 and then we started working the steps 537 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:55,360 the way she directed me, not the way I did. 538 00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:56,640 Oh, steps one through 12, 539 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,240 not skipping four and five 'cause they're too invasive, 540 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,560 you know, and through sponsor direction 541 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:05,880 and through guidance and taking direction, my life changed. 542 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,100 Even without even working the steps, it started to change 543 00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:12,700 and then working the steps and then taking these action. 544 00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:15,040 I was told and it was drilled in my brain. 545 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:16,560 I remember when I heard Clancy speak, 546 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,320 I'm like, "I never heard I had a living problem. 547 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:19,360 I didn't know that. 548 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:20,680 Oh my gosh, I have a living problem." 549 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:24,260 And so I had to learn how to live life on life's terms, 550 00:19:24,260 --> 00:19:25,840 not on Janice's terms. 551 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:26,680 I never knew that. 552 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,080 I thought I had it all going. 553 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:29,080 Oh my God, no. 554 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:32,160 The dumber I became, the better off I was, you know? 555 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,320 I've always been in my own way, always. 556 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:37,200 The ego, the more I said I didn't know, 557 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,360 the more, the better it was for me. 558 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:40,800 The more I said, "Oh my gosh, 559 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,500 I can say no thank you to a hundred requests 560 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:44,560 because I'm a people pleaser. 561 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,420 I want to do a hundred things at the same time." 562 00:19:46,420 --> 00:19:47,260 I don't know about you guys, 563 00:19:47,260 --> 00:19:48,400 but I'd say yes to everything 564 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,300 and show up nowhere when I was drinking. 565 00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:51,360 I'm the biggest flake. 566 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,480 So it was like, do what you say you're going to do. 567 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,040 Be where you say you're going to be. 568 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,520 Start doing this in Alcoholics Anonymous, 569 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,320 take commitments at every meeting. 570 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,140 And if you're not going to show up because you're sick, 571 00:20:01,140 --> 00:20:02,400 you're going to get that covered. 572 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,160 And I started feeling this self-esteem 573 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,240 through accountability. 574 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,040 But really the most important thing 575 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,560 was for me to be there for you. 576 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:11,840 Not wait till I have it and work all those steps. 577 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,920 And then I can be of service, be of service today. 578 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,440 And I started taking those contrary actions 579 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:19,920 and going to all these events with people 580 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:20,880 I didn't even know. 581 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,060 Because what I love about my home group 582 00:20:23,060 --> 00:20:24,240 is everybody's included. 583 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,400 Which made me just be part of something. 584 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,040 Just, I'm one of many. 585 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:29,800 I'm not, it's not all about me. 586 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,340 Thank you, God. 587 00:20:31,340 --> 00:20:32,800 It right-sized me. 588 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:33,640 Does that make sense? 589 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,360 It right-sized me. 590 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,680 So many things I have thought. 591 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,080 Six minutes, seven, eight. 592 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:38,960 Oh, you have a timer. 593 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:39,560 OK. 594 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:40,360 Thank you, Abraham. 595 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:41,520 Thank you, Ben. 596 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:44,000 The little, here's the thing that started really, 597 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,520 like I remember when I first got my sponsor, 598 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:50,920 I was in such financial fear because I told you guys. 599 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:51,720 I had a lot of debt. 600 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,880 And everybody, the creditors were always calling. 601 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,760 So I was always afraid to answer the phone. 602 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:56,640 But you know what I did? 603 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,520 Well, she told me, before we even get into steps, 604 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,320 we're going to look at your financial problems. 605 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:01,320 And we're going to start. 606 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:02,640 So I got in touch with the IRS. 607 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:03,760 I owed them money. 608 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,680 And then we got in touch with all the collectors. 609 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:07,320 All of a sudden that fear went away. 610 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,840 And I was making payments because my sponsor so very 611 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,280 kindly said, it's not your money. 612 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,800 It took me 7 and 1/2 years to pay back the IRS. 613 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,240 One little checky-poo at a time. 614 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:19,400 I will never forget that last check for a read-up. 615 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,520 But the other thing was big. 616 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,080 Do what you say you're going to do. 617 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,400 How many times have you stolen the trust 618 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,680 and you've broken the hearts of your family? 619 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,880 When you say you're going to do something, you do it. 620 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:31,560 You suit up. 621 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:32,080 You show up. 622 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:32,520 You're there. 623 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:33,440 You're there on time. 624 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:34,120 You get there. 625 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,840 Mom, dad, I lost my dad, and mom. 626 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:42,200 Mom and I had the most loving, tumultuous relationship 627 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,080 because I broke her heart. 628 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,320 She was the one who always came and picked me up in jail. 629 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:49,320 My mom would do anything for us kids. 630 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,840 Even if she couldn't stand me, she still 631 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:54,840 would help me until she no longer did, right? 632 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:58,560 So my living amends, first of all, my direct amends 633 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:01,640 through sponsors, guidance, and direction, and then 634 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,480 maximum living amends and maximum living amends. 635 00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,320 In five minutes, I'm going to tell you 636 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,680 I found the love of my life in Alcoholics Anonymous. 637 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:09,400 I'm married. 638 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,400 Didn't do any breakdancing at my wedding. 639 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:12,000 We alone. 640 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,040 We went to Las Vegas. 641 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,480 First marriage ever in my entire life 642 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:17,960 because thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, 643 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,920 I have learned how to act better than I feel until I 644 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,360 feel better about the way I act and to become 645 00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:24,920 a sober, dignified woman. 646 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,200 I can still get down with the best of you, don't worry. 647 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,440 But I know what's appropriate and what's not, you know? 648 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,800 And what I started doing was taking that to my family. 649 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:34,600 I wanted them to say, good job, good job. 650 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:35,480 You're so great. 651 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:36,520 You're sober. 652 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,400 Well, I had broken their hearts so many times 653 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:39,200 they didn't do that. 654 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:40,520 So you guys are my family. 655 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,400 This is where I got the love, my brothers and my sisters. 656 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,720 And I started in the AA playground. 657 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,160 If I'm making mistakes, I'm doing it 658 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,160 with my brothers and my sisters and my sponsors 659 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,200 helping me, guide me to make that right 660 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,600 and then take the best of the best to the family 661 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,440 because I had done enough harm and enough hurting 662 00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:59,200 that that's been in the forefront of my sobriety 663 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:01,560 is, oh my gosh, maximum living amends. 664 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:03,600 Don't do what you used to do. 665 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,360 So, you know, I'll tell you about my family. 666 00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:07,120 I have a sister. 667 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:10,240 She could not have children, so she adopted from Russia. 668 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:13,360 And her son has fetal alcohol syndrome. 669 00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:16,520 So if I had any children, I would have probably 670 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,000 had that kind of a child. 671 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:19,960 And he's severely troubled. 672 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,200 And I have been able with my husband 673 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:25,240 to help my sister because of Alcoholics Anonymous. 674 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:28,120 And my brother-in-law and my sister-- 675 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:29,560 thank you, I see the green light-- 676 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:31,600 they rely on Alcoholics Anonymous 677 00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:33,800 because he is one of us times 20. 678 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,960 Fetal alcohol syndrome is a very, very sad and very, very, 679 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,120 very, very serious situation. 680 00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:40,960 His biological mother was like me. 681 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:41,960 That's a God shot. 682 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:43,960 And he's got a lot of love in our family. 683 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,200 And my sister and brother-in-law leaned on me a lot 684 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,880 because of you, leaned on me because of Alcoholics Anonymous. 685 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:50,680 I have a brother. 686 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,280 You know, we don't always get everything back the way 687 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:54,840 we think we need it or want it. 688 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,280 But I have a lot of brothers in Alcoholics Anonymous. 689 00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:58,200 And I love my brother. 690 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:00,800 You know, he has his own stuff. 691 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,360 I think he still really holds a resentment. 692 00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:05,920 But, you know, he has his God. 693 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:06,640 And I have mine. 694 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:07,520 And I pray for him. 695 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:08,760 And we get along just fine. 696 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,040 But he's got his stuff. 697 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,480 And I pray for him on a regular basis, trust me. 698 00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,320 My mom-- I'm going to take my remaining time 699 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:16,360 and tell you about my mom. 700 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:19,160 So my husband and I have this amazing husband. 701 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:19,920 He sponsors men. 702 00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:20,800 I sponsor women. 703 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:22,960 My husband and I have been taking care of my mother. 704 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:24,360 I've been taking care of my mother. 705 00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,160 My mother just passed in December. 706 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,320 I miss her so much. 707 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,440 But because of you, and because of Alcoholics Anonymous, 708 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:35,360 and because of a God of my own understanding who I love, 709 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:38,440 and because of strong sponsorship and steps, 710 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:43,160 I got to make maximum living amends to her one day 711 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,640 at a time for my entire sobriety. 712 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:48,880 And then I got to make maximum, maximum living amends 713 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:52,200 by caretaking for her for the last five years. 714 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,920 So she just passed in December. 715 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,200 And I have to tell you, nothing has given me 716 00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,840 a greater sense of love and a purpose 717 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:01,400 in being able to take care of the woman that took care of me. 718 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,960 Being sober is number one God, and you guys 719 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,120 giving me that gift. 720 00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:06,960 Because my mom did not-- 721 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,480 I'm her least favorite child. 722 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:10,200 Trust me. 723 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:11,680 She trusted me the most. 724 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,240 And that is all because of you and the actions 725 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,040 that I continue to take on a regular basis. 726 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,360 And that a loving God that I am leaning very heavily on right 727 00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:24,080 now, my husband and I got to take-- 728 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:27,160 we moved from West LA to take care of my mom five years ago. 729 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,760 So I'm in her home now, the home I grew up in. 730 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,320 And I get to be of maximum service in the community 731 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:33,360 that I tore up. 732 00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:35,160 It all comes full circle. 733 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,480 One day at a time, as long as I-- 734 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:43,120 my sobriety and my love, and one day at a time, I'm into action. 735 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:44,160 I take a lot of action. 736 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:45,480 I take a lot of action. 737 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,080 Sometimes it's not easy. 738 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,760 But as long as I stay out of the way, it's pretty simple. 739 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,080 And sponsoring women. 740 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:54,160 And I have a slew of friends because I 741 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:57,200 have been suiting up and showing up incidentally 742 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,200 one day at a time. 743 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:00,720 And I continue to do that because it's the gift. 744 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:02,160 And I would have missed it all. 745 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:03,320 I would have missed it all. 746 00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:06,120 And so I'm eternally grateful to all of you 747 00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:07,960 for having me here tonight. 748 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,560 It's an adjustment of life. 749 00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:12,040 I can't tell you how having a primary purpose 750 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:16,280 to be taking care of someone 24 hours a day-- 751 00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:17,480 I'm a little lost right now. 752 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:18,640 But I have God. 753 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:19,560 And I have all of you. 754 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:22,760 And I have love in my life that is well beyond what 755 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:24,200 I don't even want to say. 756 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,760 I believe that we all deserve it. 757 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:28,640 It's well beyond my wildest dreams. 758 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:30,000 One day at a time. 759 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,680 Thank you so much for having me.