1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,560 - Hi everybody, I'm Billy Christian, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:03,520 - Hi Billy. 3 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:05,400 - It's good to be here, kind of. 4 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:09,640 I want to thank Karen and Ben for inviting me. 5 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:11,840 It is an honor, it is a privilege, 6 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:14,880 but I don't always feel like coming. 7 00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:16,960 I do appreciate meeting new people 8 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,360 and going to different groups, 9 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:20,040 and that has definitely blessed my life. 10 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:24,100 But our time didn't go on today. 11 00:00:24,100 --> 00:00:26,380 Fortunately, when I was new, 12 00:00:26,380 --> 00:00:30,040 someone pointed out that we have a chapter 13 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:33,120 in our big book called "How It Works". 14 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,680 There is no chapter called "How It Feels". 15 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:40,680 And so, success in this program and in my life 16 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:44,520 has really been blessed by the fact 17 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:49,520 that I have access to a power that has divorced me 18 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:55,640 from how I feel, and I'm able to take certain action 19 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:59,200 and consequently, when I look over my day, 20 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,720 I don't really look at it in terms of how I felt 21 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:03,000 at 10 o'clock in the morning, 22 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,280 or was I anxious at two o'clock. 23 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:07,920 I look at what did I do, 24 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:12,480 and that's a better metrics for how I'm doing. 25 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,440 Did I read, did I pray, did I meditate, 26 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,520 did I talk to another alcoholic, did I go to work, 27 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,280 did I do the things I'm supposed to do? 28 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,680 Anyway, that's a long introduction 29 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,640 into how I arrived here today. 30 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:30,560 I'm from Pasadena, Rose City Speakers is my home group. 31 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:32,920 I have a sponsor by the name of Gerald P, 32 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:37,680 and my sobriety date is October the 11th, 1994. 33 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,800 My last date was for 29 years. 34 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,240 And if you're new, welcome home. 35 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:49,000 Nobody wants you, we want you, so I'm glad you're here. 36 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,080 My story is that I grew up in Inglewood, California. 37 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:56,760 Inglewood in the house, no, I didn't think so. 38 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,880 I didn't think something told me no. 39 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:03,920 And, you know, I grew up in a time, it was a scary time. 40 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:07,400 I think every generation has its challenges. 41 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,960 You know, every time it is complicated by it. 42 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:14,480 I think it's very hard to grow up right now as well. 43 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:18,280 For me, my challenges were, I grew up in this era 44 00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:23,080 where the gangs were starting to take root, you know, 45 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:27,160 in the neighborhood, and that was the Bloods, the Crips, 46 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,240 the LA County Sheriff Department, you know, 47 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,800 the typical suspects. 48 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:35,800 And as a kid, I had, you know, 49 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:40,800 my outlook on life was that the world was a scary place 50 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:44,080 and there were only pockets of safety, you know. 51 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:48,760 And I feel very blessed that the opposite is true now. 52 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:53,400 I feel like most of the spaces I move in are relatively safe 53 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,040 and every now and then, you know, 54 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,520 I find myself in a situation. 55 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,520 But as a kid growing up, you know, 56 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:00,440 there was a lot of fear. 57 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,760 I grew up on a block with a lot of kids. 58 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:07,040 Most of us were poorly supervised boys, 59 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,200 so there was a lot of testosterone. 60 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,240 It was, you know, it was a scary place. 61 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:14,520 When I was 11 years old, I found alcohol, you know. 62 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:16,440 I drank, it wasn't my first drink, 63 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:20,160 but that's the first time I drank alcoholically. 64 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:24,600 I got drunk on two and a half cans of old English 800. 65 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,480 I would never be the same, you know. 66 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:31,280 I had bitten the alcoholic apple of knowledge, you know, 67 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,600 and I would learn that alcohol 68 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:37,760 would vaccinate me from my fears and my feelings. 69 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:41,320 And it was just really no turn of the back at that point, 70 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,320 you know, and pretty soon, you know, 71 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,640 I would say my mid-team, 72 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,680 I started to experience what we call 73 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:53,360 the first nip of the ringer, the first wave of problems. 74 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:58,320 That was when I was wrecking cars, I was getting arrested. 75 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:03,320 I was passing out in inopportune moments, right? 76 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:07,120 One of my favorite examples happened in high school. 77 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,080 I had switched high school. 78 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,240 I was going to Morningside High School in Inglewood 79 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:15,640 and I had transferred to aviation high school 80 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,280 in Redauga Beach. 81 00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:21,160 And when I got there, I had learned some new tricks, right? 82 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:26,160 And so one day I took on a quaalude around fourth period, 83 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:29,400 which is a very popular hypnotic sedative 84 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:30,640 in my generation, right? 85 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,840 And I didn't feel it. 86 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:36,280 And so at lunch, I drank a half a pint of spinal comfort. 87 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,600 (laughing) 88 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,480 And I went to my next class 89 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:44,320 and I was sitting there enjoying class, 90 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,320 I was rather relaxed. 91 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,800 And all of a sudden I had heard this horrific crack 92 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:52,720 and I raised up, I realized that it had been my head. 93 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,560 I had face planted on the desk and it popped right back up. 94 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,480 And I looked around the whole class, teacher, students, 95 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,880 everyone was frozen in astonishment, right? 96 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,800 I stood up, I thought it was a good time to make a speech. 97 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,600 (laughing) 98 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,160 It was a short speech. 99 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:12,240 And it went like this, I said, I am sick. 100 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:16,280 And I remember like the whole class was like, oh yes. 101 00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,800 You know, 'cause I nodded in agreement. 102 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,520 And then I walked out and I drove home 103 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:25,160 and I did not drive home very well, I might add. 104 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,320 I'm not sure what I hit on the way home, 105 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:31,240 but something was not the way it was before I got. 106 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,640 Anyway, I can tell you that story 107 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,080 with slightly different circumstances, 108 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:37,880 a lot of different ways, right? 109 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,400 I mean, that happened to me. 110 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,720 That's just my favorite example. 111 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:45,800 Me overshooting the mark happened many, many, many times. 112 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:50,400 And so it's not that surprising that I would find myself 113 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,480 an alcohol synonymous for the first time 114 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,280 when I was about 18 years old. 115 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:58,040 And actually I was at a low point, can't get into it, 116 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,560 but you know, kind of discussed it with myself. 117 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,200 Saw a hotline on the television screen one night 118 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,760 and I called the number. 119 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:09,320 I told the woman on the other end what was going on with me. 120 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:13,280 And she said, "You should go to a meeting." 121 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,760 And she said, "There are no meetings in Inglewood, 122 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,480 but there is one down the beach." 123 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,600 I was kind of familiar, you know, with where it might be, 124 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:24,040 which was rather serendipitous. 125 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,200 And I went into a meeting, now you gotta understand, 126 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,520 this is 40 something years ago. 127 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:33,040 There were no television shows that referenced AA. 128 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,680 People didn't talk about going to a 12 step program. 129 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,800 That was just not part of the conversation. 130 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,720 Certainly not in my circle of people, you know? 131 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:42,560 So this was very new to me. 132 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:45,160 I came in, I sat way in the back, you know, 133 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:47,960 in the, you know, I dare you to get me sober section. 134 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,960 And I listened. 135 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,240 There was something about it. 136 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,400 I'm one of those people, not terribly common, 137 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:58,760 that was drawn to AA fairly quickly, you know? 138 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,080 There was something about the warmth. 139 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,200 I felt that tonight coming in, by the way. 140 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:06,960 Thank you for your welcoming ways here. 141 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,520 But yeah, the warmth, the humor, 142 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:13,000 and the way you told your stories, the hard way, you know? 143 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,800 With the unvarnished truth. 144 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,840 And I was attracted, I was drawn to that. 145 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,680 That was so different than the way I was living my life. 146 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:25,680 And so I started to come back and I got a sponsor. 147 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:30,360 And I went to meetings for 40 days 148 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:32,440 and I worked the first three steps. 149 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:36,240 And then my sponsor started talking about this searching 150 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,000 and fear of small inventory. 151 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,440 And that scared me to death. 152 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:43,760 I was not ready to trust anyone with my story. 153 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:45,760 And of course I drank. 154 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:50,120 So what I learned is a couple of things, 155 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,160 a couple of seeds were planted. 156 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,160 And thing one is that sobriety is good. 157 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,520 This is better. 158 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:58,600 Trust me, I got loaded for 20 years. 159 00:07:58,600 --> 00:07:59,440 This is better. 160 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:00,600 So it'd be new. 161 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,760 I don't know if it's your firmest day sober. 162 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,960 The book says we have our pearls off the same skin. 163 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:10,160 But if nothing else, I hope you at least face the ground. 164 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,360 I hope you're rolling around all the time. 165 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:16,000 Because if you're like me in those dark and lonely moments, 166 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,720 it's hard to get that taste out of you. 167 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:21,080 It's hard to forget that there are people like me 168 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,840 that are living relatively happy and productive. 169 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,200 The other thing is that I assembled the magic. 170 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:29,960 Something magical happened for me in those 40 days, 171 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,640 or at least in the very beginning. 172 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,880 And what I'm referring to is this thing 173 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,200 where one day I needed to drink. 174 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,720 And virtually the next day, 175 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,680 I wanted to be so in manageable transition. 176 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:43,960 Bill Wilson calls it the act of prominence in the cloud. 177 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,120 And the recovering community, 178 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:48,520 they call it spontaneous moving. 179 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,040 To me, it just seemed like magic. 180 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,840 And I couldn't seem to get it back. 181 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:57,480 I had this idea to be this Wilson any time I wanted to. 182 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:01,040 And what I learned was that the window of recovery 183 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:04,360 would only crack open every so often. 184 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:08,240 And it would be a long time before I actually got sold. 185 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:13,960 And I began this revolving door coming in and out of treatment 186 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,400 and in and out of the corals. 187 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:21,440 And I just really couldn't get any traction involved. 188 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,720 And I took them all to school. 189 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:32,040 And I was having a field of marijuana business, 190 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:36,720 which was fostering and selling marijuana 191 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:40,880 on my folks at their house. 192 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,080 I know they call it cannabis now. 193 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,000 I understand that you can go to a little place 194 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,640 where they cross on it and buy it, buy it, buy it. 195 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,600 I don't want to sell weed. I don't want to sell it now. 196 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,480 I'm just kidding. I ran with Tom and Caleb. 197 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,520 Anyway, my folks, they were my folks. 198 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:59,360 They were like, "Hey, why don't you just get a gym 199 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:00,920 and straighten up and fly around?" 200 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,560 I was in my early 20s. That seemed logical, right? 201 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:09,600 Unfortunately, logic is not a treatment plan for alcoholism. 202 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,760 It would be nice if it were, but it's not. 203 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,240 But I did. I complied. 204 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:18,040 I got a job in the mailroom of a large law firm 205 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,560 in Central City. This was a good job for me. 206 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:24,160 I mean, I was literally one of the lowest people 207 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,880 on the totem pole, but it was a great pole. 208 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:31,400 It was a great place. And I was grateful for that job. 209 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:35,440 And I'll tell you how I showed my gratitude 210 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,520 is I drank on the very first day. 211 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,600 And the reason for that is simple, 212 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,480 is that they hired an alcohol. 213 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,320 And I worked there for 10 months, 214 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:46,640 and that's right around the time that I knew 215 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,600 that the jig was soon to be up. 216 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:51,800 And I had a very clear picture about this 217 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:55,600 because a kid that worked with me in the mail, 218 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,560 he split up to me one day very quickly. 219 00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:01,360 He said, "Really, can I ask you a question?" 220 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,120 And of course, I know, I said, "Sure." 221 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:06,600 Of course, now I know if you found a job 222 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,560 and somebody very sheepishly comes up and says, 223 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:10,760 "Can I ask you a question?" 224 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:14,720 The correct answer is no, because chances are, 225 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:15,800 you're not gonna like that question. 226 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,280 I didn't. And he said, "How come after lunch, 227 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,240 you always slur your words?" 228 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:24,080 Oh, yeah. Yeah, my heart drops. 229 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:27,160 'Cause I knew, if he knew, probably everybody knew. 230 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,920 And I was certain that he was just concerned about me, 231 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:34,480 that he wasn't asking for the technical answer. 232 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:37,640 I didn't tell him, "Well, it's the methadone 233 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,920 and the malt liquor produces that," you know. 234 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:44,440 Like I knew he wasn't asking for the recipe, you know. 235 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:46,400 And sure enough, I got fired 236 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,600 within days of that conversation. 237 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:49,800 I was devastated. 238 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:50,920 I was not, it was weird. 239 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,000 I was not surprised, but I was devastated. 240 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,680 I was devastated for two reasons. 241 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,760 Reason number one, it was starting to dawn on me 242 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,320 that I was not gonna jerk off this alcoholism 243 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:01,640 and become a regular person. 244 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:03,840 Like I wasn't gonna have that idea. 245 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,800 Maybe this is a phase and I'm just gonna, you know, 246 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:09,640 adulting all of a sudden and everything will be fine. 247 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:11,480 That illusion was gone. 248 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,920 And then the second thing is it just so happens 249 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:17,240 that me getting fired coincided with my father 250 00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:18,880 being diagnosed with cancer. 251 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:21,200 And so here I am, I'm living at home. 252 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:22,880 I got no hustle. 253 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,080 I dropped out of school. 254 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,240 I'm unemployable. 255 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,640 I try to be there for my father. 256 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,600 I would, you know, I'm trying to be the dutiful son. 257 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:32,600 If he's going to chemotherapy, I'll take him. 258 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:36,600 If he could eat before or after, we would go have sushi. 259 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,760 That was my thing, you know. 260 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,560 And that worked for a while, but eventually, you know, 261 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:45,680 my father got progressively worse and I got progressively worse. 262 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:48,320 And there came a day when my father was gravely ill 263 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:51,280 and back in the hospital and the nurse called and said, 264 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,000 "You guys need to come down here now." 265 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,480 And my mother and my sister, who were not alcohol, 266 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:56,960 but neither was my father. 267 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,880 My mother and my sister got ready to go to the hospital 268 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,600 and say their goodbyes to my dad, and I did not. 269 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:03,760 And I loved my father. 270 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,000 He wasn't perfect, but I loved him. 271 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,840 But I stayed home because of the emotional coward 272 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,520 that I was, and I got him. 273 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,760 And, of course, my father died that night. 274 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,760 And I mention that because from that point on, 275 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:20,240 that became a huge impediment to my sobriety. 276 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,280 Like, well, you know, from that point on, 277 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:25,960 if I was in jail or in treatment, 278 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:29,720 at the same time, you know, after, you know, 279 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,800 a week or two of being separated from a drink or a drug, 280 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:35,040 I would be flooded with guilt. 281 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,440 And what I wanted to know from you alcoholics in office 282 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,000 is how would I ever live with that shit? 283 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,480 How would I ever live with the shame 284 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,280 of turning my back on my father when he's dead? 285 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:47,960 Which, of course, is a good question, 286 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:51,600 but I never asked anyone, and I never stuck around 287 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,680 long enough to get the answer until this time. 288 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:56,360 With the help of a sponsor 289 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,360 and the big book of alcoholics anonymous 290 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,800 that come across that line in front of me, 291 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:02,400 I read the big book every day. 292 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:06,440 And I read it today. 293 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,120 It's on page 124. 294 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:09,800 And it says, "Cling to the thought," 295 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:10,960 as if it were speaking to me, 296 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,360 "Cling to the thought that in God's hands, 297 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:17,680 the dark past is the greatest possession you have." 298 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,160 Now, if you've never heard that line before, 299 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:24,720 just take a second to absorb the audacity of that statement, 300 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,960 that our deepest, darkest secrets, 301 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,200 the things that we don't want to tell anyone 302 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:34,040 is the greatest possession we have. 303 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,840 And I don't know if that's true for so-called normal, 304 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,080 but for us, that is the message of hope. 305 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:39,920 It goes on to say, 306 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:44,760 "That is what inverts death and misery for other alcoholics." 307 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:47,240 'Cause when I sit across from the new man and he says, 308 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:50,160 "Billy, you don't understand, I've done bad things," 309 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,320 I get to say, "Me too, yeah, me too. 310 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,840 Now let's walk together on this path." 311 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,160 So what happened, the thing that happened, 312 00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:01,200 a lot of things happened, but my father passing away 313 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,480 and the combination of that and my behavior 314 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:09,320 really fractured our little family unit, you know? 315 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:13,400 And eventually my mother and my sister would move away 316 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,560 with no forwarding address. 317 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:19,720 I wouldn't know where they lived for about 10 years. 318 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:25,280 And there was a little money flowing around the family, 319 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,160 it was enough to keep myself afloat for a while, 320 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:31,080 but eventually the bottom fell out of my life 321 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,120 and I became homeless personally. 322 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,280 I was a kid growing up in downtown Los Angeles. 323 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:38,840 And when I say that, I mean really and truly, 324 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:42,760 because I've been in all this glory, sleeping on the sidewalk, 325 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:46,560 I would say technically, I guess you would call it 326 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:51,560 a homeless, alcoholic, cranky window washer. 327 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,160 I was one of those people in the '90s, 328 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,080 that if you parked your car near me, 329 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,760 I just started watching the windows 330 00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,920 and hopefully we work on a paper plane. 331 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,560 And I wore the uniform, I was filthy. 332 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:09,160 I would go literally months without changing my clothes 333 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,960 or bathing, my feet smelled so bad, 334 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,240 I could have taken off my shoes and robbed a bank. 335 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,960 And I lived like that for a long time. 336 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,280 You know, I lived on the street. 337 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,480 There was a part of me that was concerned. 338 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:25,440 I was like, wow, you know, this might not end well. 339 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:30,200 And then there was another part that had a sense of relief 340 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,640 that I didn't have to pretend to be 341 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,600 a regular person anymore, you know? 342 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,840 And drugs are part of my story, namely cocaine and heroin, 343 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:40,280 but I'm a real alcoholic. 344 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:45,200 And at this point in time, alcohol had become a necessity. 345 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:50,200 And I would have to crack open that Chimo liquor 346 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:54,960 or that Cisco or that gin and drink it down 347 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:58,360 before the police would come and report. 348 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,880 Often it would be the same police officer 349 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:04,160 and we'd have pretty much the same conversation every time. 350 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,160 He'd say, Mr. Christian, I told you 351 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,320 you cannot live in this doorway. 352 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,120 There are these stores around here. 353 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,120 They don't want you here. 354 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:15,440 And then I would say something smart to him like, 355 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,200 you know, you think it's a business district. 356 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,200 I think it's a residential neighborhood. 357 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,280 You know, we just got a little zoning problem. 358 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,600 And then he would threaten to take me to jail. 359 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,760 You want to go to jail? I'll take you to jail. 360 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:31,320 And then I would say, is it burrito night? 361 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,360 You know, 'cause sometimes at Parker Center 362 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,720 they would have these frozen burritos. 363 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:39,200 He never took me to jail, but he would call the drunk tank 364 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,520 and the drunk tank would come 365 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,920 and drive me a couple of miles east and let me go. 366 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,160 Kind of like the Department of Fish and Game 367 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:50,280 with a problem bear, the same concept. 368 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:53,120 Here's the interesting part of that story. 369 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:54,960 I'm somewhere about five years 370 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,680 sitting in a meeting in Pasadena. 371 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,160 Guess who walks in and raise their hands 372 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,080 and will come, that police officer. 373 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,880 And I went up to him. 374 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,480 I was like, oh, I'll sponsor that guy. 375 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,960 Like, nobody touched that, that was mine. 376 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,720 And I went up to him. 377 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,800 I introduced myself and didn't ring any bells. 378 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:14,120 And then I quietly mentioned where he might know me from. 379 00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:15,960 I'll never forget this as long as I live. 380 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,840 He kind of leaned back, he squinted. 381 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:22,760 And when he recognized me, he reached out and he hugged me. 382 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:26,240 I mean, he hugged me like he was trying to hug the whole body. 383 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,800 Like whatever happened to me, he needed to have happened to him. 384 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:33,960 And so it's just a beautiful and bizarre moment in our lives. 385 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,280 A lot of things happened. 386 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:40,280 Basically, I went into a rehab for the 14th time 387 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,800 in October of 1994. 388 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,240 I wasn't planning on being sober. 389 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:49,480 But something bothered me and I saw it. 390 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,480 I heard that song a lot, too. 391 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:52,920 I didn't know the specifics. 392 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:54,120 I didn't even know it was happening. 393 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:57,960 I just said, I've been around for 14 years. 394 00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,440 I know what I'm doing, man. 395 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:00,280 I know it, man. 396 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,680 You go to meetings, you get a sponsor, you go to steps. 397 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,880 You really like praying, meditating, doing something. 398 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:08,920 As soon as I shared that magical transition, 399 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:12,200 I instantly wanted to be sober. 400 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:13,440 I got sober on a birthday. 401 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,560 I went to a little meeting. 402 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,200 I raised my hand as a newcomer. 403 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:20,600 Like, man, I really, bravely did this evening. 404 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,400 And the secretary came over 405 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,000 and asked me if I had a big book. 406 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,480 I said, no. 407 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:29,600 And he offered it to me and I have to book him a story. 408 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,440 Now, I didn't know his story. 409 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,480 And frankly, I didn't care what his story was. 410 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,400 He had, it was the secretary. 411 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,720 And he ended up just saying, big books, you're it, pal. 412 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,160 And it turns out, you know, 413 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,760 I mean, there was a moment where I realized 414 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,440 that when you're in an emergency room, 415 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:50,080 it's not the time to go shopping for doctors, okay? 416 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:53,080 It's not the time to say, who else is on duty? 417 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:54,720 It's you. 418 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,960 Once we started to do some work, 419 00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:00,760 and we started to uncover, discover the story, 420 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:05,480 we realized, oh, you know, he grew up in Brentwood 421 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,200 and I grew up in Inglewood. 422 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,120 You know, that's quite different. 423 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:12,280 I used to see, I learned later 424 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:15,600 that I used to see his father on television. 425 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,560 And my father used to repair television. 426 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:21,360 Well, we started to, you know, get down to the nitty gritty. 427 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:26,080 Oh, we behaved, we thought, we felt in a lot of similar ways. 428 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:30,840 And I really jumped on the program, you know, 429 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,440 I jumped in with both feet. 430 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,520 And that was good because what happened 431 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:40,280 is at a certain point, I was both, 432 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,800 you know, those new, those first weeks and months, 433 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:47,760 you know, I was both joyous and scared to death, right? 434 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:51,280 I was scared to death because I got problems. 435 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,560 Alcoholics in the house, like I have been, 436 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,320 I haven't had a job in 10 years, 437 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,680 since the job I told you about. 438 00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,760 I've been living on the street for three and a half years, 439 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,040 which does something to a psyche, right? 440 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:04,560 I no longer felt like I was part of society. 441 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:08,040 My, on top of that, I had eight failures to appear in court. 442 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,440 I had eight warrants, nothing serious, 443 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,680 but I had been getting tickets for jaywalking 444 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:16,440 and open container tickets, and I had eight warrants. 445 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:20,560 And then my only family essentially was my mother 446 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:21,400 and my sister. 447 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,200 They were, you know, parks unknown 448 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,600 and the alcohol and protection program somewhere. 449 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:29,840 So, and I, and I shared with my father 450 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,240 after doing a little work, building up a little trust. 451 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:33,920 And I said, listen, this is what's gonna happen. 452 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:37,200 Eventually, I'm going to have some negative contact 453 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,360 with the police and I'm gonna get crack for these warrants. 454 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:42,120 And they're gonna send me to the county jail. 455 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,000 And when I get out of the county jail, 456 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,200 I will have lost, you know, this sober living 457 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:49,240 that I'm living in and I had a little part-time job 458 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,280 and I will be back at square one. 459 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:53,640 And I'll tell you, I know what square one looks like 460 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,480 when I get out of county jail in downtown Los Angeles. 461 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,600 And he said to me, he said, I have a plan. 462 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:00,440 Don't worry about it. 463 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,480 And I was like, let's hear it. 464 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:06,480 And he said, what you're gonna do 465 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,120 is you're gonna go down to the courthouse 466 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:11,720 and you're gonna put your faces on the dock. 467 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:14,800 And then you're gonna go upstairs and get a public defender. 468 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,920 And he said, I'm gonna go to court with you one time. 469 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:21,640 And I said, that's the plan, knock on the front door. 470 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:25,000 I mean, I thought you were gonna say something reasonable 471 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,600 like change your name, get plastic surgery, something. 472 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:29,920 But he said, do it. 473 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:32,160 And I swear to you, I did not, 474 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:35,400 I had no faith in this plan at all, but I did it. 475 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,760 I went down, I did everything that he said. 476 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:42,120 The public defender said, you know, 477 00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:45,240 bring in letters from this job and from rehab that you, 478 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:48,560 you know, and I brought in letters 479 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,880 from every person I knew who could write. 480 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,720 So I go to court, very large courtroom. 481 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,840 And my sponsor's there. 482 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,960 And I'm thinking, I know how this is gonna go. 483 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:03,000 Like I, I'm already catastrophizing. 484 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,920 I know how this is gonna work, right? 485 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:06,400 We're gonna be here all day. 486 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,880 And then they're gonna take me into custody 487 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,400 in one of the side doors. 488 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,080 But none of that worked in that fashion. 489 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:17,760 In fact, because I had a lawyer, they took me first, right? 490 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,320 My public defender was there. 491 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,920 And I'll never forget the judge, you know, 492 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:26,000 they read the charges and then she looked at the paperwork 493 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,040 and then she looked up and she said, 494 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,320 how long have you been sober? 495 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:30,960 I said, nine months, very quickly. 496 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,680 You know, we who are sober, 497 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,000 we know how long we've been sober, right? 498 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:35,840 We'll see. 499 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,320 And it was a good thing. 500 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,320 You know, I didn't fumble at that moment. 501 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:43,080 And she, she kind of, she nodded her head, 502 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:46,280 she nodded her head and then she, she said, okay, 503 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:47,880 one year in the county jail. 504 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,280 It was a very long pause. 505 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:50,880 And then she says, suspended. 506 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,600 Don't come back, Mr. Christian, you know. 507 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:55,120 And this, all of this took five minutes, 508 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:58,000 not $1, fine, nothing. 509 00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:58,840 Just five minutes. 510 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:00,800 I remember walking out of there 511 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:02,680 and that was the first time I thought, 512 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,080 it was the first really tangible moment 513 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,000 that I thought maybe this, this thing always really works. 514 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,200 Maybe, maybe it works. 515 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,400 It was, and I, I had believed, 516 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:12,800 I had come to believe that, 517 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,240 that the power we created in ourselves 518 00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:15,600 will restore you to sanity. 519 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,440 I wasn't so sure it was going to work for me, right? 520 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,520 But this was the first time when I thought, oh yeah. 521 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:21,440 Now I gotta tell you that I did come back. 522 00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:22,840 I've come back as a sponsor. 523 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:24,920 I've come back as a speaker in drug court 524 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,640 and I've come back as a lawyer. 525 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:30,160 I am now a public defender in that very same building, 526 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,240 eight blocks away on the same street 527 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,160 from where I slept in that doorway. 528 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,720 The point is, is that everything that happened, 529 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:39,360 everything that happened is a result of me putting 530 00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,400 all my eggs in this basket. 531 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,880 Every good thing can be reverse engineered 532 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:47,840 to this program and the people that I met 533 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,120 and the influences along the way 534 00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:53,720 and me setting aside how I feel about things 535 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,640 and just taking direction and taking action. 536 00:24:56,640 --> 00:25:00,200 And that has resulted in a life that 29 years ago, 537 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:04,440 I would not have even been close to dreaming of myself. 538 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:07,600 I just, in closing, I always like to give credit 539 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:09,880 where credit is due because it's not about me. 540 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:11,040 It's not what I did. 541 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:12,280 It's about you. 542 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:13,600 It's about this fellowship. 543 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:15,480 It's about these steps. 544 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,840 It's about this program and it's about what God did. 545 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:21,320 And what God did was peel me off this sidewalk 546 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,960 and shook the dirt off of me and prop me up 547 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,400 just like he's propping me up right now. 548 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,000 So we can say, this is what I can do because I'm God. 549 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:29,840 That's it. 550 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:30,680 Thank you.