1
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 - Hi, I'm Linda, I'm an alcoholic.

2
00:00:01,520 --> 00:00:02,400
 - Hi, Linda.

3
00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:05,240
 - I forgot one thing, my water.

4
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:06,920
 Always need my drink.

5
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:09,520
 My sobriety date is June 2nd, 1999.

6
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:11,560
 My sponsor's name is, what is my sponsor?

7
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:12,400
 No, I'm just kidding.

8
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:14,000
 My sponsor's name is Sharon C.

9
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,400
 My home group is Pacifica Group.

10
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 Thank you, Ben, for inviting me to share tonight.

11
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 It's an honor and a privilege

12
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 to do anything for Alcoholics Anonymous.

13
00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:23,440
 And I wanna thank our speaker, our 10-minute speaker, Nancy.

14
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 That was so wonderful.

15
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 I just loved her share.

16
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 And I felt the same way about my life and my family.

17
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 I grew up in Lancaster, that was my first resentment.

18
00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,680
 And if you're from Lancaster, I'm sorry.

19
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,720
 You know, it was just really windy and hot

20
00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:39,440
 and really windy and cold and just really windy.

21
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 And there wasn't much to do except, you know,

22
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 drink and a little bit of crystal mud.

23
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 But I mean, come on, I mean, what else can you do?

24
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 So that was my life back then.

25
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,520
 And my first drink was actually

26
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 with my Mexican-American family.

27
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,760
 I have like, my mom was one of 13.

28
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 And so my aunts were four years older than me,

29
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 four and five years older than me.

30
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 So we would all just hang out.

31
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 So I had my first drink in the park with my chola aunts

32
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 and it was Budweiser.

33
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 And I just remember just drinking that

34
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 and just feeling so good and feeling like I fit in.

35
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 And three, I was 11 and a half.

36
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 And I had all this makeup, lipstick, hairspray.

37
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 I mean, eyeliner, the whole chola thing.

38
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 And I just, the Aquanet.

39
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 And I just loved it.

40
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 And I was not a smoker then,

41
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 but they encouraged me not to,

42
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 but they were fine with me drinking.

43
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 That's so funny.

44
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 So that was my first night drinking.

45
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 Drink one, then I drink another,

46
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 or then I drink another one.

47
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 So that was three.

48
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 And then these cholo guys came

49
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 and they're low rider car.

50
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 And then we jumped in the car with them.

51
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 And then they had more alcohol.

52
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 And I was so drunk that I was starting to throw up

53
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 half in the car and half out of the car as it was moving.

54
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 And then it splashed back in my hair

55
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 when I pulled my head in from outside.

56
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 And it was just so much fun.

57
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 Yeah, I was like, oh my God, this is so much fun.

58
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 There weren't a lot of consequences that night.

59
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 And if it continued to be that way,

60
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 I would probably still be out there.

61
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 What's a little throw up in your hair?

62
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 I mean, really.

63
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 But what happened for me is I had that allergic reaction

64
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 that it talks about in the big book

65
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 and the obsession of the mind.

66
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 'Cause I couldn't wait to go out with them again.

67
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 I hadn't even finished that night.

68
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 And I asked my aunt Becky,

69
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 could I go out with you guys again?

70
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 And she said, yes.

71
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 And I always thought about that fun feeling

72
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 I had way down deep.

73
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 And it was so powerful.

74
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 I have never forgotten.

75
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 I'm 53 years old now.

76
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 And I, that was what, how many years ago?

77
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 40 something years ago?

78
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 I still remember it like it was yesterday.

79
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 What I wore, how I felt, who I was hanging out with.

80
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 And all that stuff went down on my fourth step.

81
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 And so fast forward a little bit,

82
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 I had to go back up to Lancaster

83
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 'cause that's where I lived.

84
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 I was in Orange County.

85
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 But when I went back to Lancaster, I just wanted to drink.

86
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 And so I started sneaking out

87
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 and hanging out with older friends and drinking.

88
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 Not a lot, just every weekend, you know?

89
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 'Cause it's hard to get alcohol when you're 12.

90
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 And I could tell already that my drinking had a hold of me.

91
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 That's how powerful alcoholism, it is the fatal malady

92
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 that was shared earlier.

93
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 It is serious as a heart attack.

94
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 But I didn't think so.

95
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 I just thought we were having fun.

96
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 I thought it was because of my age.

97
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 I thought it was my friends.

98
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 And you know what?

99
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 I was the one that was sneaking out.

100
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 Those good girls were not sneaking out.

101
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 So fast forward, I ran away for good,

102
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 finally, forever, never went back.

103
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 My stepdad was terrible.

104
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 Things were going on in that household

105
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 that never should have happened to a little girl.

106
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 So I was out of there.

107
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 And even when I did tell the truth, nobody believed me.

108
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 But you know what?

109
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 Drinking really helped put all those feelings down.

110
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 All those terrible thoughts and memories.

111
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 I just drank them all away.

112
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 It was so powerful.

113
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 So I left, I'm hitchhiking.

114
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 This guy picks me up.

115
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 I jump in his car.

116
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 He's a local drug dealer, you know?

117
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 The outside business was really successful

118
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 'cause I was good at weighing and measuring.

119
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 But I should have been in high school.

120
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 So I dropped out of high school.

121
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 The only thing that put the brakes on my drinking

122
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 is that I got pregnant really young.

123
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 I was 15 and I had my son and I told the boyfriend,

124
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 we're having a baby.

125
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 And he's like, oh no, you're having a baby.

126
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 Like, what are we gonna do?

127
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 And he's like, what are you gonna do?

128
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 I mean, it was just a mess.

129
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 The stuff and the experiences that I came in here with,

130
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 it's just amazing how the 12 steps

131
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 can put our lives all back together again.

132
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 First, I had to burn it all to the ground

133
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 'cause I didn't know I was alcoholic all the way back then.

134
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 I had my son.

135
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 I promised him I was gonna be a good mom.

136
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 This breaks my heart.

137
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 And I have to just say it really fast

138
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 'cause I really wanted to be a good mom.

139
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 My mom was a good mom.

140
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 So I couldn't stop drinking.

141
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 I was back in the park drinking with some guys

142
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 two weeks after he was born.

143
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 And my mom would say, why do you drink so much?

144
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 And I'm like, I don't know, I'm just trying to have fun, mom.

145
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 Stressful being a single mom.

146
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 I moved.

147
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 I moved all the way from Lancaster to Simi Valley

148
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 'cause it's just as windy in Simi Valley as it is.

149
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 I fit right in.

150
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 I found my people and started going to Chewy's.

151
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 I turned 21 and I was drinking and I was dancing

152
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 and I won $500 in a drinking, excuse me,

153
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 in a dance contest at Quiet Cannon.

154
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 And I don't know if you know where that is,

155
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 but I ended up there in Simi Valley to Quiet.

156
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 And I won $500.

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 I was in a blackout.

158
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 I didn't know I won, but I still won.

159
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 So I was really proud of myself when I came to the next day.

160
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 So drinking wasn't so bad.

161
00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:06,360
 But then there was another time I went drinking

162
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 in the valley and it just, this guy like drugged me

163
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 and he took me away.

164
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 It was terrible.

165
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 My friends couldn't find me.

166
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 So what did I do?

167
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 I kept that all a secret.

168
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 Like when I came to the next day

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 and he actually released me.

170
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 It was somewhere in the valley, I don't remember where.

171
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 And I'm glad he knocked me out

172
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 'cause I don't wanna remember everything.

173
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 But I shouldn't stop drinking then, but I didn't.

174
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 But when he released me and I got back to Simi Valley,

175
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 I closed the door.

176
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 The first thing I did was look all our bruises.

177
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 And then I thought, yeah, I could hide that with makeup.

178
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 But then I needed a drink.

179
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 So I went straight to the refrigerator and got a drink.

180
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 I don't know if it was the wine in the fridge

181
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 or if it was the vodka in the freezer,

182
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 but I did have a drink.

183
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 I did not stop drinking for four more years after that.

184
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:48,120
 But what I decided to do instead was I got married.

185
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 So that doesn't stop me from drinking.

186
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,360
 I thought I would be a good, settle down, be a good girl.

187
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 And like person that I married, I guess that's my husband.

188
00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,600
 The husband that I married was my coworker.

189
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 Cuckoo, this is a crazy story.

190
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:02,560
 And we were just roommates.

191
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 And then I don't know what happened.

192
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 All of a sudden we got married.

193
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 So surprise.

194
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 My mom was like, who are you gonna marry?

195
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 She had no idea like what was even happening.

196
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 And I remember walking down the aisle

197
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:17,440
 and nobody would let me drink before the wedding.

198
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 No one would let me drink.

199
00:06:18,540 --> 00:06:20,840
 So I elegantly walked down the aisle.

200
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:22,520
 And I remember I looked down the aisle

201
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,200
 and I saw the people on his side

202
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:25,960
 and I saw the people on my side.

203
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,040
 And I thought, I need a drink.

204
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 Like this is real.

205
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:29,620
 Have you ever made a decision and thought,

206
00:06:29,620 --> 00:06:31,660
 oh no, now I have to actually do this.

207
00:06:31,660 --> 00:06:34,960
 Luckily there was a lot of alcohol.

208
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,840
 So the whole thing went down and we drank.

209
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:38,800
 And then this is towards the end of my drinking.

210
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,200
 What happened for me was like I just could not stop drinking.

211
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,040
 Now I'm married.

212
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,080
 I have my son and two of his sons

213
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:45,880
 and a dog and a house and a car.

214
00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:48,880
 'Cause I thought having those wonderful family things

215
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,000
 and having like a nice stable home

216
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,560
 would make me be good or stop drinking.

217
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:56,340
 I used to equate being good with not drinking.

218
00:06:56,340 --> 00:06:58,680
 Like I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm not bad.

219
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,280
 I was just really spiritually sick.

220
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,840
 I was so sick that I had to come to AA.

221
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,280
 And the end came because I could not stop drinking.

222
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,300
 I would fly to Las Vegas every Mother's Day

223
00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:09,560
 and say my name was Sarah.

224
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,840
 And then the last time I was hanging out with this pimp guy

225
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,360
 with the hat and a feather and the chain and the fur coat,

226
00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:15,460
 like a real pimp.

227
00:07:15,460 --> 00:07:17,480
 And I just remember he looked me in the eye

228
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,540
 and he's like, Sarah, you sure you wanna do this?

229
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:21,280
 And I said, yes, I wanna party.

230
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:22,800
 And I don't even know where my friends were.

231
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:23,640
 They were gone.

232
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:26,080
 Like the friends I flew to Vegas with.

233
00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:28,480
 And I got out of his car.

234
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:31,100
 He went into this liquor store and I only got out of his car

235
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:33,280
 because at the time I was hearing voices.

236
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:36,000
 And this voice said, Linda, get out of the car and run.

237
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,020
 And I did, I actually did what it said.

238
00:07:38,020 --> 00:07:39,200
 It was a great idea.

239
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,720
 And it grabbed me by the collar or something.

240
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,680
 I believe now that was divine intervention

241
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,460
 or maybe my prayers from my grandma.

242
00:07:46,460 --> 00:07:49,400
 She prayed like the rosary over us every day, it seemed like,

243
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:50,960
 'cause we were all crazy at that time.

244
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,120
 So I went running and that was the last time I drank.

245
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,440
 The last time I drank and I'm so grateful.

246
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,200
 When I look back, nobody was following me.

247
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,840
 I was running across the street,

248
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:00,920
 made it to my hotel, called that husband.

249
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:01,760
 All my money was gone

250
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,440
 and actually my friends were gone as well.

251
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,480
 And he flew me home and I flew home in and out of a blackout.

252
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,720
 And back then in '99,

253
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:11,320
 you could still meet your family at the gate.

254
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,560
 He wanted to know what happened

255
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,040
 and what happened to my friends.

256
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,680
 And I told him, you know, they stole my money

257
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,680
 and they left me and I didn't tell him about the pimp.

258
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:23,200
 And so I was gonna just take me to my car

259
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:24,740
 and I was just gonna crash my car

260
00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:26,240
 into the pillar on the freeway.

261
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,880
 'Cause I had been searching for an answer for so long

262
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,420
 about the way that I felt.

263
00:08:31,420 --> 00:08:34,200
 And I'd gone to support groups, not AA.

264
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:35,920
 I've gone to like therapy.

265
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:37,640
 I've gone to psychoanalyst.

266
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,800
 I've gone to, they used to call it,

267
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,080
 some people call it est

268
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:43,120
 and some people call it life spring.

269
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,360
 I went there and spent thousands of dollars

270
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:46,780
 to figure out what was wrong with me.

271
00:08:46,780 --> 00:08:48,840
 And this one guy, normal guy there is like,

272
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:49,800
 I don't know why you're here.

273
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,200
 You don't belong here either.

274
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,360
 And I said, are you sure?

275
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,340
 Like nobody could, and I was such a liar.

276
00:08:54,340 --> 00:08:56,360
 So that weekend I had been polluted

277
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,040
 with alcohol up to my eyeballs.

278
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,120
 Like seriously, like I was sweating it.

279
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:01,240
 I had the shakes.

280
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,320
 I was bloated.

281
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,080
 I was like jaundiced color.

282
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,440
 I was sunburned 'cause I passed out of the hard rock

283
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,840
 hood tub pool on my armpit and my mouth like this.

284
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,680
 And I thought, I'm just gonna kill myself.

285
00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:12,520
 I'm just gonna crap.

286
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,120
 And I did it 'cause when I looked in the rear view mirror,

287
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,920
 my husband at the time was following me.

288
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:20,040
 And I'm forever grateful for that man

289
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,320
 that was following me because that was the end.

290
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,840
 Like I was either gonna get help or kill myself

291
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,120
 and call this lady.

292
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,900
 I called this lady 'cause we were in a class

293
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,160
 and we had gone to a bar,

294
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:31,600
 but then we'd also gone to a play

295
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,760
 and she didn't drink at both places.

296
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:35,920
 The first time I had my eye on her,

297
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,840
 'cause that's weird that you're here with us

298
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:40,920
 and you don't even drink, you drink sparkling water?

299
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:41,760
 What?

300
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,920
 And then we went to a play and I said, let's get a beer.

301
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,980
 And she said, no, I don't drink.

302
00:09:45,980 --> 00:09:48,200
 I have three years of sobriety.

303
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:51,400
 I'm an A&A and I call my sponsor every day.

304
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:54,400
 And I go to a meeting at 7 a.m. in Burbank every day.

305
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,400
 And I go to work right after that.

306
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,560
 And then she told me she stays there the whole eight hours.

307
00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:01,960
 And I thought, good God, how?

308
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,960
 Like, what, you stay there all?

309
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,520
 The whole day, I was so impressed.

310
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,960
 And then she also was really shiny.

311
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,920
 And I thought in my mind,

312
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:12,680
 oh, she must take a shower every day.

313
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,320
 That's how she's so shiny.

314
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:16,560
 So I called her.

315
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,400
 She's the only person I knew that didn't drink.

316
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,300
 And I told her about the pimp story and all that.

317
00:10:20,300 --> 00:10:22,540
 And she said, this is great.

318
00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:25,400
 I was just praying for a baby today.

319
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:28,100
 And when I got out of my meeting and I said,

320
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:29,940
 well, you know, I wouldn't do that

321
00:10:29,940 --> 00:10:32,060
 'cause being a single mom is really hard.

322
00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:35,200
 So not a good idea.

323
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:39,600
 And she said, do I think I cannot drink today?

324
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:40,920
 Do you think you cannot drink today?

325
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,240
 And I said, yes, because I don't have to drink every day.

326
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:45,060
 Just want to drink every day, but I don't have to.

327
00:10:45,060 --> 00:10:46,320
 But for you, I won't.

328
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:47,620
 She said, oh, great.

329
00:10:47,620 --> 00:10:49,920
 When can you go to a meeting at 8 a.m.?

330
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:51,520
 And I remember I hemmed and hawed and I said,

331
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,280
 well, you know, maybe when I'm feeling better

332
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:56,220
 and I'm not so sunburned or whatever,

333
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:57,120
 I don't even know what I said.

334
00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,280
 I think I just said maybe later, like in a few days.

335
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:01,700
 And she's like, no, do you think you can go

336
00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:02,720
 to a meeting right away?

337
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,640
 So I lied and I said yes.

338
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,800
 And I actually did go to AA two days later.

339
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,280
 And she asked me to call her every day.

340
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:10,680
 And she asked me to be willing not to drink.

341
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:12,480
 Had no idea what I was stepping into.

342
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,740
 I went to Alcoholics Anonymous in Westlake Village

343
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,360
 or it was Agoura Hills, right on that borderline

344
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,040
 off the 101 freeway.

345
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,400
 It was at a bank.

346
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:23,520
 There were men lined up and women lined up outside.

347
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,280
 They were drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes.

348
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:26,600
 It was the summer, it was June.

349
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,880
 It was hot.

350
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,880
 And I'd come walking up, not crying.

351
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:31,500
 I don't know why they thought I was crying.

352
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:32,740
 I was just sweating.

353
00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:35,000
 I was so sweaty.

354
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,120
 You know, like when you're really like,

355
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,520
 and you walk in and I was like bloated and sweaty.

356
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,060
 Okay, I was crying, but in the car,

357
00:11:42,060 --> 00:11:43,720
 but not when I walked out.

358
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,520
 And they said, are you new?

359
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:46,880
 And I said, no.

360
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,240
 I just thought they meant new to that area,

361
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:50,080
 not the meeting.

362
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:50,900
 I didn't know.

363
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:52,440
 And they were so kind.

364
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,240
 The power, they talk about it in those steps.

365
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:57,240
 Like the power in our rooms,

366
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,020
 the power greater than ourselves in our room,

367
00:11:59,020 --> 00:12:00,280
 expressing members.

368
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:01,780
 Man, they really just saved me.

369
00:12:01,780 --> 00:12:03,320
 They showed me unconditional love.

370
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:04,920
 And when I said I'm Linda, I'm an alcoholic.

371
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:05,820
 They all clapped.

372
00:12:05,820 --> 00:12:07,760
 They're like, yeah, we knew you were new.

373
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,560
 And I burst into tears.

374
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,620
 No one was clapping for me back then.

375
00:12:11,620 --> 00:12:13,720
 You know, most people would like turn their back on me

376
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,400
 and I don't blame them 'cause I was a mess.

377
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,360
 I was 28 years old when I entered AA.

378
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:21,000
 My kids were a little affected by my drinking.

379
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,840
 My husband at the time never trusted me

380
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,840
 'cause I wasn't a trustworthy girl.

381
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,600
 I would say, I'm gonna go drinking for a little while.

382
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:29,940
 Like I'll be back at 10.

383
00:12:29,940 --> 00:12:32,120
 Then I would call him at like 11 and say,

384
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:33,240
 I'll be back at 12.

385
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:34,880
 And then I would call and it's one.

386
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,600
 I'm like, okay, I'm gonna come home at two

387
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:38,440
 when the bar closed.

388
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,940
 And then I wouldn't come home till like Tuesday

389
00:12:40,940 --> 00:12:42,000
 and I would go missing.

390
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,300
 And he reported me missing.

391
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:45,400
 And I told him, now that's not gonna happen anymore

392
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,160
 now that I'm an alcoholic synonymous.

393
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:48,000
 He's like, what?

394
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,920
 He just didn't even know what AA was either.

395
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,440
 And I started going to women's meetings,

396
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,000
 Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

397
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,440
 And I would go to a meeting on Sundays

398
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,880
 and I would go to a meeting on Wednesday evenings.

399
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,960
 And I met a kind woman there named Becca.

400
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,600
 She got to be one of my closest friends.

401
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,680
 I just talked to her the other, like Thursday.

402
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:04,560
 That's how long she's been my friend.

403
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,880
 Tamara took me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

404
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:07,880
 that first year.

405
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,160
 It was a rocky road.

406
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,080
 I mean, I came so close to drinking

407
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,560
 at least a couple of times.

408
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:14,480
 That one time, I don't remember if it was,

409
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:15,600
 it must've been 60 days.

410
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,440
 I climbed up to smell the vodka

411
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,200
 just 'cause my mind where the illness is centered said,

412
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:24,320
 you should sniff vodka to make sure that it smells like vodka

413
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:25,880
 and I said, okay.

414
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:29,800
 So I sniffed it and I wasn't prepared for the favors

415
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,000
 to go up into my mind, into my head.

416
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,280
 And then I remember holding it.

417
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,560
 I thought, oh my gosh,

418
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,400
 this is when they say you should call someone.

419
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,800
 And I put it back and I climbed down and I called 20 women.

420
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,720
 And God said, okay, if no one answers,

421
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:46,280
 after these 21 women, you call everyone, then you can drink.

422
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,180
 And then I called the last woman.

423
00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:49,460
 God didn't really say that.

424
00:13:49,460 --> 00:13:50,560
 That was my illness.

425
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:51,600
 That's a joke anyway.

426
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,680
 But anyway, so I called her and she answered the phone.

427
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:55,840
 It was a workday.

428
00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:57,040
 She was a teacher.

429
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,080
 She hadn't started school yet.

430
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,520
 That's why she answered.

431
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:01,680
 This is before cell phones.

432
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,080
 And we had the ones that were on the wall.

433
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:07,640
 Anyway, I told her, I said, I just sniffed vodka.

434
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,480
 And she's like, oh, no, no, no, no.

435
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:12,580
 We don't sniff vodka in AA.

436
00:14:12,580 --> 00:14:13,640
 No, we don't do that.

437
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,080
 I'm like, I know that we don't drink,

438
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:16,080
 but we don't sniff either.

439
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:16,920
 She's like, nope.

440
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:18,960
 And she's like, don't you have some kids?

441
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:19,620
 Where are they?

442
00:14:19,620 --> 00:14:20,840
 I'm like, oh, the kids.

443
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,320
 And I was like a squirrel.

444
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:23,960
 So I had to go--

445
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:24,840
 I don't know where the kids were,

446
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:26,460
 but I had to go get them from somewhere.

447
00:14:26,460 --> 00:14:28,120
 And I got to stay sober that day.

448
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,400
 And I just remember my husband was going to throw me out.

449
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,400
 Now it's like 90 days and all my belongings

450
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,720
 were all in the front yard and on the porch.

451
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,080
 Even my chonies were out there.

452
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:39,120
 Everything was out there.

453
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,560
 He was throwing me out because he read my first step.

454
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,640
 So if you're writing, hide your stuff.

455
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,960
 And so he saw all the stuff about the pimp.

456
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,160
 I wasn't even doing anything.

457
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,200
 I just rode in a car.

458
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,480
 But anyway, see how I was still trying to defend myself

459
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,000
 and throwing me out.

460
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,000
 And I said, wait, wait, wait.

461
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:53,600
 The kids were crying.

462
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:54,200
 The dog was barking.

463
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,600
 My husband was yelling, look at him.

464
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:56,600
 Look what I found.

465
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,040
 And I said, I can't do anything until I call the sponsor lady.

466
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,240
 Let me go upstairs and call her.

467
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,280
 And he's like, who's that?

468
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:02,720
 And I go, you haven't met her yet.

469
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,440
 And so I ran upstairs and I called Tamara.

470
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,100
 I'm like, Tamara, stuff is going down.

471
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:06,940
 You got to help me.

472
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,560
 And she's like, what's happening?

473
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:09,200
 Did you drink?

474
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:09,860
 And I said, no.

475
00:15:09,860 --> 00:15:11,520
 She's like, oh, thank god.

476
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:14,280
 She was always so happy when I behaved sometimes.

477
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:16,920
 And she only had three years of sobriety.

478
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,320
 She's like, thank god.

479
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:19,600
 So my husband's kicking me out.

480
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:20,600
 She's like, oh, no.

481
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,760
 What did you do?

482
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,640
 And I said, he read my first steps.

483
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,520
 She's like, I told you to hide it.

484
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:26,600
 She's so funny.

485
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,840
 Anyway, she's like, do you have anywhere to go?

486
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:29,800
 Do you have any money?

487
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:30,380
 Do you have any friends?

488
00:15:30,380 --> 00:15:31,240
 No, no, no.

489
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:32,800
 OK, this is what you're going to do.

490
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:34,180
 You're going to tell him that you're staying.

491
00:15:34,180 --> 00:15:36,040
 So go downstairs and just tell him that you'll be staying.

492
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:37,000
 I said, OK, I can do that.

493
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:37,360
 Bye.

494
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:38,280
 I'll call you back if I need to.

495
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:38,780
 OK, bye.

496
00:15:38,780 --> 00:15:39,280
 We hung up.

497
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:40,000
 I went downstairs.

498
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,680
 My husband's face is in the refrigerator

499
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:42,480
 because he's hungry.

500
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:47,600
 And I said, well, I talked to Tamara, and she says I'll be staying, and he's like, what?

501
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,340
 And the kids were like, yay.

502
00:15:49,340 --> 00:15:52,840
 And he slammed the refrigerator, and he's like, what's for dinner?

503
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,360
 So I got to stay.

504
00:15:55,360 --> 00:16:00,120
 I got to stay for a while, because I really had nowhere to go.

505
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,440
 And I got through those 12 steps.

506
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:03,520
 I started going to meetings.

507
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,680
 I would report-- I don't know if you even know this,

508
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:09,920
 but at women's meetings, we report you when you're not being nice to us.

509
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:14,400
 And then the women would say, you could stay sober, in spite of him.

510
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,480
 I'm like, that's true.

511
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:19,000
 And then they would say things like, you don't have to drink over that,

512
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:20,800
 or this one lady.

513
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,920
 All the women had nice things to say.

514
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:29,720
 It's not nice to stab them if you don't stab them, and we don't do that today.

515
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:34,440
 And then this other woman's like, if you need help, if you want to get divorced,

516
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:38,760
 I have been divorced five times, so I'll pay my lawyer's number.

517
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,760
 And I was like, all these women have my back.

518
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,000
 I'm going to be fine.

519
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,080
 And it really was fine.

520
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:46,360
 A year-- I got a year.

521
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,640
 We all celebrated with coffee and cake.

522
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:49,480
 It was really nice.

523
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:50,520
 They were so kind.

524
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:54,600
 And that relationship ended up not staying together with him,

525
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:57,920
 because he wanted his old wife and his old life back.

526
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:01,480
 We were drinking buddies, and he just didn't want a sober wife.

527
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,760
 So we ended up separating and getting divorced,

528
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,040
 and I got to walk through all that completely sober.

529
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,960
 It was very hard.

530
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,280
 I was up close and personal with the carpet for a while.

531
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:16,000
 I was just devastated, especially hard on my boys, all three of them.

532
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,480
 But because of the 12 steps of alcoholics and onions,

533
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,720
 I was able to make amends to all the children and the husbands.

534
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,480
 And then we went to counseling, and we worked all through that,

535
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:27,440
 because I needed to know I was making a decision not based on self.

536
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:30,960
 I was making a decision based on going through the 12 steps, especially

537
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:34,440
 step 10, and turning my will and my life over to the care of God

538
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:37,720
 in step three, including that family, that it's not supposed to work out.

539
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,080
 It's not supposed to work out.

540
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,800
 And I wasn't doing anything to harm them anymore,

541
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,640
 and continued to live that way even until today.

542
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,960
 And that ex-husband and I, we're friendly.

543
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:50,000
 Like, if I see him, he's not afraid.

544
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,320
 He knows I'm cool.

545
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:54,720
 And I've been to the children's wedding and graduations.

546
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:59,280
 And it's just nice, because Alcoholics Anonymous has shown me a way out

547
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,120
 from drinking, but it's also shown me a way

548
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,800
 how to be a good sober wife and mother to children.

549
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,120
 Like, my oldest son is 38 years old now.

550
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:07,720
 He just had his own son.

551
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,920
 He and his girlfriend had their own son, and now that baby's two months old.

552
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,640
 And I get to be a good sober mom for him.

553
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:16,840
 I made that promise to his father, you know, all those years ago,

554
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:17,760
 and I couldn't keep it.

555
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:21,040
 And today, because of Alcoholics Anonymous and just doing this thing

556
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,880
 daily, every day, praying for the knowledge of God's will for me

557
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,680
 and the power to carry that out, when I looked at my little grandson

558
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,880
 and said, I'm going to be a good sober grandma for you,

559
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,960
 I can keep that promise, not because of me,

560
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:35,040
 but because of the power of a higher power in our meetings and steps.

561
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:38,000
 And my experience is, is that several times--

562
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,840
 I shouldn't say several times--

563
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,880
 at least for a good long while, in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous,

564
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,200
 I almost didn't make it.

565
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,400
 Like, at two and a half years sober, even though things

566
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,920
 were going OK on the outside, I was still dying on the inside.

567
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,160
 I was in the-- you know guys know my home group.

568
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:56,120
 It's like the busiest home group ever, and strict, and busy.

569
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,720
 And I just was suffering.

570
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,920
 Like, I still hadn't had that spiritual experience.

571
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:04,840
 I was dry, and I was becoming drier, and so sad, and depressed, and lonely,

572
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:05,680
 and blah, blah, blah.

573
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:09,320
 And then my mind would never shut up, no matter how many meetings I went to,

574
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,120
 and how many newcomers I helped, and no matter how many times I

575
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,200
 acted better than I feel.

576
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:14,660
 And I'm very passionate about this.

577
00:19:14,660 --> 00:19:15,680
 I'm not angry.

578
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:18,360
 I'm angry at the disease, because it almost got me.

579
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:21,120
 And I thought, in my mind, where the illness was centered,

580
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:24,920
 that I'm doing everything in AA that they asked me to do.

581
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,160
 How come I don't feel better?

582
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,400
 And my friends didn't get it.

583
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,920
 I'm going to sponsor that move.

584
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,160
 She's like, you better find someone close.

585
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,120
 I'm concerned.

586
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:38,820
 And I finally met a woman after I had gotten myself $68,000 in debt.

587
00:19:38,820 --> 00:19:40,520
 I was behind on the mortgage two months.

588
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,560
 I was behind on all the car payments two months.

589
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:45,960
 I had not filed my taxes on time, so they kept sending me all these letters,

590
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,760
 and interests, and calling.

591
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,040
 And no, they weren't calling.

592
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:50,460
 They were just sending me letters.

593
00:19:50,460 --> 00:19:53,380
 It was the credit card companies that were calling.

594
00:19:53,380 --> 00:19:54,000
 They found me.

595
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:54,720
 They found my mother.

596
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:55,600
 They found my brother.

597
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:57,200
 They were like, where's Linda?

598
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,840
 Then I would wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks.

599
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:01,960
 And then I thought, oh, no.

600
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:02,880
 It's got me.

601
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:05,840
 I met this kind, loving woman, and the power of God spoke through her.

602
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:07,360
 And she told me what was wrong.

603
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:08,920
 She said, I know what's wrong with you.

604
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,720
 You just have untreated alcoholism while sober.

605
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,680
 And have you had a spiritual experience yet?

606
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:14,280
 I said, yeah.

607
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:15,160
 I thought I did.

608
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,280
 [INAUDIBLE]

609
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,640
 She's like, no, you haven't.

610
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,560
 You either have had one, or you haven't.

611
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,440
 You're either pregnant, or you're not.

612
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,080
 It's very simple.

613
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,240
 She was kind of upset.

614
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,320
 She's like, you have all this time--

615
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,360
 two and a half, three years-- and you're still suffering.

616
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:29,880
 You're walking right towards a drink.

617
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,760
 Oh, and I was dating two guys at the same time.

618
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:35,600
 And I had gotten engaged to one guy on the third date, cuckoo.

619
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:36,480
 Cuckoo loony.

620
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,680
 Who proposes to someone a cuckoo to another cuckoo on a third date?

621
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:41,480
 Who does that?

622
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:41,960
 Cuckoo.

623
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,640
 So she said, I'm afraid that you're either going to drink,

624
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:45,720
 or you're going to die.

625
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:47,720
 And I don't know how much time we have left.

626
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,480
 And it's definitely untreated alcoholism while sober.

627
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:53,900
 It's definitely the spirituality manifesting in all this deading

628
00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:57,280
 and all this trip-taking-- because I was going to Hawaii all the time--

629
00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:00,600
 and in the men, in the shopping, and that if you don't do the 12 steps,

630
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:01,520
 you're going to drink and die.

631
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:02,360
 She was serious.

632
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,580
 And I said, are you sure?

633
00:21:04,580 --> 00:21:06,700
 So I'm a secretary of a meeting on a Friday night.

634
00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:07,440
 I can't drink.

635
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,200
 You're like, there's no way.

636
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,160
 I have commitments.

637
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:10,880
 I'm in PG.

638
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,160
 There's no way.

639
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,200
 And she said, I'm going to get insurance on you.

640
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,400
 And I'm going to collect, because I know you're going to die.

641
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:18,640
 I'm going to collect insurance.

642
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:20,400
 So just let me know.

643
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,000
 I was told she was nice, because she was from Texas.

644
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,640
 And I thought she was got that southern withdrawal.

645
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:28,280
 No, she was very serious and very upset.

646
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:29,860
 And I said, OK, what do I got to do?

647
00:21:29,860 --> 00:21:32,040
 She's like, I got to take you all the way through the 12 steps again.

648
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,120
 I said, I don't know what I could possibly learn.

649
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,240
 I've already been through them three times.

650
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,120
 She's like, you're not going to learn anything.

651
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,160
 You're going to have an experience, a spiritual experience.

652
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,780
 And you're going to have an experience and know the love of God.

653
00:21:43,780 --> 00:21:47,520
 And that's what's required for you to overcome this fatal malady that you

654
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:49,560
 have, and that your higher power loves you.

655
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,560
 That's why you're here still today.

656
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,560
 You're getting one more chance.

657
00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:54,940
 Higher power loves everyone.

658
00:21:54,940 --> 00:21:56,440
 Some people take the chance.

659
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:57,240
 Some people don't.

660
00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,240
 Some people are too far gone, or some people just will not.

661
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,840
 And then some people become a will not, and then they become a cannot,

662
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,640
 because they drink and then they die.

663
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,880
 So they don't get to say, no, I don't want to do this.

664
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:09,040
 I'm not going to your meeting.

665
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:10,160
 I don't want to go earlier.

666
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,240
 I don't want to do the steps yet, or I still want to date,

667
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:13,480
 or whatever it is they say.

668
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,280
 So do you want to be a will not, a cannot,

669
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:16,420
 or do you just want to do the work?

670
00:22:16,420 --> 00:22:17,960
 I said, I guess I'll just do the work.

671
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:18,920
 Did all the work.

672
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,920
 We went through step one, and it blew my mind.

673
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:22,880
 I'm like, what book is she reading from?

674
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,400
 Why haven't I heard it like this?

675
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:25,640
 I think I was finally--

676
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:30,040
 all those-- there's a part in the book that says it was blocked by something.

677
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:31,840
 Do you guys remember that part in the book?

678
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,560
 Not property and prestige.

679
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,760
 But anyway, oh, worldly clamors.

680
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:37,840
 I was blocked by the worldly clamors.

681
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,520
 And I had been selling real estate, so I was making a lot of money.

682
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:41,160
 I bought a house.

683
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:41,720
 I bought a car.

684
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:44,080
 I did all these things, and nothing worked.

685
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:47,560
 I still felt empty inside, and I still felt not very spiritual.

686
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:51,800
 So what happened for me was when I saw all of step one,

687
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:53,200
 like I was really hopeless.

688
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,860
 Like I wanted to stop thinking and suffering,

689
00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:57,400
 and I didn't want to drink anymore.

690
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,800
 And I couldn't stop myself from feeling those things

691
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:02,800
 or thinking those things, like powerless over my thinking,

692
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:04,320
 because now I'm not drinking.

693
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,680
 That's when I got that I was really hopeless.

694
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,240
 There's no other way out for me.

695
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,320
 And so I got on my knees, and I did step one.

696
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:12,520
 And then I got to identify a new higher power

697
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:16,120
 and be willing to open my mind to the power of the universe

698
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:17,680
 or whatever I wanted to call it.

699
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,400
 And I got to write down all the old ideas that I had about God.

700
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,360
 I didn't even know I had old ideas.

701
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:23,840
 And none of them were working, because I wasn't

702
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:24,880
 going to the higher power.

703
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:26,120
 And when I would go to the higher power,

704
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:27,640
 I was blocked by all the thinking.

705
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:28,720
 And all of it was negative.

706
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,800
 And then by the time I got to the third step,

707
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,400
 it seemed very serious.

708
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,240
 She had me write a list of all the things

709
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:35,560
 that I needed to be OK.

710
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:36,680
 And the list was long.

711
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:44,000
 A college degree, money, house, peace, sponsees, money.

712
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,760
 I always wanted more money, so money.

713
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:48,240
 Because when we grow up broke, you think money's going to fix

714
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:49,640
 it, it doesn't fix it.

715
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:51,560
 And then I gave her the list of everything

716
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:54,440
 I think I need to be OK, like papers.

717
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:56,640
 So she's like, OK, give them to me.

718
00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,080
 And then she took the list, and she was holding on to my list.

719
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,320
 And I was like, I don't know.

720
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,480
 When she pulled it out, I was trying to pull it back.

721
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:04,600
 Like, I need those.

722
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:05,640
 It was all a lie.

723
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,040
 It was all an illusion.

724
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:08,880
 It was a delusion in my mind.

725
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,640
 And then she took the paper, and she wrote three letters on it.

726
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,880
 G-O-D. And she said, this is going

727
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,320
 to take care of all of this.

728
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:21,640
 I was raised to believe that I had to get mine.

729
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:22,560
 I had to hustle.

730
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:23,360
 I had to work.

731
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,080
 I've been a single mom since I was 15.

732
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:27,560
 I was really good at hustling and working my tail off.

733
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,240
 And she's telling me, God's going

734
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,560
 to fix all these things on this list.

735
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:32,400
 I was floored.

736
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,680
 Only if I turn my will and my life over to the higher power.

737
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,200
 So I waited, and we were on our knees praying.

738
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:41,720
 And then the hot flew by, and I was like, that's not the sign.

739
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:45,000
 She's always wanting me to look for a sign from God.

740
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,720
 Butterflies flew by, and I said, OK, that's the sign.

741
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,800
 And I promise you, my experience is this,

742
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,840
 is that that feeling came in, and it just sat right here

743
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:54,920
 and just filled me up.

744
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:56,280
 Like, everything's going to be OK.

745
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:57,040
 I don't know how.

746
00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:58,680
 Nothing had changed on the outside.

747
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:02,240
 I'm still getting my house taken over by the bank.

748
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:04,120
 I feel like the house is being taken over

749
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:05,880
 by the mortgage banker.

750
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,640
 The car is about to be repoed, because by day 99, that's

751
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:09,360
 when they come get it.

752
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:12,520
 And I was hiding it in places so they wouldn't come get the car.

753
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:13,320
 So ghetto, right?

754
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,040
 Sorry, it's so terrible.

755
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:16,160
 So anyway, that happened.

756
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:17,920
 And then I went all the way through the 12 steps.

757
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,560
 And then by the time I got to step nine,

758
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,480
 I was making amends, paying money back.

759
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:22,520
 I sold my house.

760
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:23,600
 I got rid of the cars.

761
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,040
 I filed taxes.

762
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:26,760
 I didn't actually owe all that money.

763
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:28,000
 I still owed $68,000.

764
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,280
 But it wasn't more than that.

765
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,280
 Once you file your taxes, they're like, oh, yeah,

766
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:33,480
 you're not making any money.

767
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,400
 So we'll adjust this.

768
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,920
 And they patched me through to a special line at the IRS.

769
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:39,380
 I don't know if you guys know that.

770
00:25:39,380 --> 00:25:42,040
 They're like, oh, yeah, we have a special guy you can talk to.

771
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,480
 I'm like, oh, my god, there's more of us?

772
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,280
 And he's like, I bet you'll feel better

773
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:48,240
 once you get this cleaned up.

774
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:49,480
 I was like, ah.

775
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,480
 My son was in Iraq during this time.

776
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,160
 And he was really upset because I had to sell the family home.

777
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:55,960
 He thought we would never have a home again.

778
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:59,240
 Because when you grow up like that, I said, I'm sorry.

779
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,000
 I have to sell that family house.

780
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:01,760
 I can't do it.

781
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:04,480
 So when he was in Iraq, he decided to buy a house online.

782
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,960
 This was many, many years ago, like 23 years ago.

783
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,000
 And he bought a house from Iraq.

784
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,520
 And I remember talking to the--

785
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:15,920
 there was something that happened with this credit.

786
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:17,240
 And it got sent to collections.

787
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,320
 And this is the power of God for me.

788
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:20,400
 I just needed a sign.

789
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:23,480
 And then I talked to the Verizon guy on behalf of my son

790
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,440
 because I was selling real estate at the time.

791
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:26,880
 And they were going through escrow.

792
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:28,040
 And I asked him, could you please help

793
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,720
 correct my son's credit score?

794
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:32,200
 It looks like Verizon is taking him to collections.

795
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,080
 But he doesn't even have a cell phone.

796
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:37,040
 They told him to use his deployment papers to cut it

797
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:37,720
 off.

798
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,960
 And he said, oh, yeah, I could take care of that right now.

799
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,240
 You must have been so scared.

800
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:43,360
 He was a Vietnam veteran.

801
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:45,680
 And he's like, we just take care of these things one thing

802
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:46,200
 at a time.

803
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:47,240
 Don't you worry.

804
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:48,560
 I'm like, are you in program?

805
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,160
 And he's like, yeah, how'd you know?

806
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:52,020
 I said, because we're going to take care of these one thing

807
00:26:52,020 --> 00:26:52,520
 at a time.

808
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:55,800
 No customer service person says that.

809
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:56,840
 Who are you?

810
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:58,760
 Who in AA sent you?

811
00:26:58,760 --> 00:26:59,760
 It all got cleaned up.

812
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,280
 And my point in sharing that story

813
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:05,640
 is that every little thing, seemingly good or seemingly

814
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,880
 bad, every little thing I give to the higher power,

815
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:11,200
 I give over to the higher power in step 10, 11,

816
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:14,280
 and then continue to do 12, be here with you guys tonight,

817
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:15,240
 gets taken care of.

818
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:18,000
 It may not be what I want, but it's always, always--

819
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,480
 I don't want to say it's always OK.

820
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:22,240
 I never know what's coming down the pike.

821
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,760
 And I don't want to know because some terrible things have

822
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:26,840
 happened while I've been in sorority, none of which

823
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:30,120
 is anyone's fault. It's just that I have people pass away.

824
00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:31,840
 There's alcoholics that I tried to help,

825
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:34,400
 but they went out and drank and killed themselves.

826
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:35,520
 And it's like, I get it.

827
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,200
 I get it because I was one of those gals

828
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:38,560
 that I almost didn't make it.

829
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,000
 So what it's like today is that I have a sober home.

830
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:42,200
 I married a sober man.

831
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:43,800
 I have a four-year-old son.

832
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:44,680
 He has four years.

833
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:46,320
 No, I'm just kidding.

834
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:48,240
 He's four and a half.

835
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,040
 I have a grandson.

836
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:51,840
 I sponsor women.

837
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:53,760
 I talk to my sponsors.

838
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,280
 My sponsor texted me earlier today.

839
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:57,600
 My sponsor, Sharon, is amazing.

840
00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:01,480
 She's got, I don't know, maybe 50 or 70 women she sponsors.

841
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:03,800
 And she always takes time for me.

842
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,960
 I feel like I'm the only one, and I know I'm not.

843
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:07,480
 She sent me this text message

844
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:10,480
 because wishing me good luck tomorrow,

845
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:11,680
 not because I'm Irish,

846
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:15,080
 because she knows that I've been working really hard

847
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,520
 for the last few months to run the LA Marathon.

848
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:20,400
 And it's hard because juggling all your schedule,

849
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:22,280
 juggling your child, juggling work,

850
00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:24,640
 your loved ones, your sponcies, going to meetings,

851
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:27,840
 staying sober for me is the only way to live life.

852
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:29,600
 It's full from the time I get up

853
00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:31,000
 to the time I go to bed tonight.

854
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:33,680
 And so she gets it, and she does more AA than me.

855
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,400
 And she sent me a little text saying,

856
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,400
 "I know you're gonna do great, girl, just smile.

857
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,120
 And when you're running, think of me."

858
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:40,880
 And I'm like, "I'm never gonna think of you, but I will.

859
00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:42,680
 I'll try, I'll really try."

860
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:43,520
 And I'm thinking of me.

861
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:45,360
 I'm like, "How the hell am I gonna finish this thing?"

862
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,320
 And just think of me and God shining on you,

863
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:49,600
 like all these lovely things.

864
00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:51,920
 And I just like sit in the kitchen, you know,

865
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:54,320
 like she really cares, she really loves me.

866
00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:56,520
 And she's so kind.

867
00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:57,960
 She's like, "If you wanna run the marathon,

868
00:28:57,960 --> 00:28:59,080
 go run a marathon."

869
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,080
 And so I never thought I would have the discipline.

870
00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:03,600
 And I ran LA back in 2005.

871
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:06,200
 I ran New York in 2022.

872
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:08,720
 And now I'm running LA tomorrow.

873
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:11,520
 And it did cross my mind, Ben, I'm so sorry.

874
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:12,760
 I can't be here tonight.

875
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:15,120
 (laughing)

876
00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:17,520
 And then I said, I texted you back,

877
00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:20,120
 "I'll be right back, I'll see you on Saturday."

878
00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:21,680
 Thank you everyone for listening.