1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,800 - I mean me, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:03,540 - Oh, I didn't have you. 3 00:00:03,540 --> 00:00:05,360 - Oh, thank you. 4 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:06,360 I always do. 5 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:09,900 I'm always like enjoying myself and then it's my turn. 6 00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:15,180 And it doesn't matter how many times I do this. 7 00:00:15,180 --> 00:00:18,080 I just, I always feel that thing in my stomach. 8 00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:19,560 And you know, it's like, 9 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,400 I think about the desperate experiment of the first drink. 10 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:25,320 It's like the desperate experiment of not feeling 11 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:26,880 that thing in my stomach. 12 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:30,120 It's like sometimes I eat and then I don't eat 13 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,280 and then I drink coffee and then I try not to drink coffee, 14 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:34,120 which never works. 15 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:38,720 I always like down coffee, some behaviors, right? 16 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:41,480 And then I eat for, it doesn't matter. 17 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:44,560 One time I, all I ate, I had to go, 18 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,040 I was speaking at Ohio street 19 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:49,080 and all I ate were like red vines. 20 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:53,120 And then I like pounded some cold brew 21 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,960 and then I got up there and I was like, I'm gonna puke. 22 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,840 Like I had so many red vines 23 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:01,880 and I had puked red vines once in my drinking. 24 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:05,120 And I remembered, it flashed back 25 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,960 because I remember thinking like, oh my God, 26 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,640 do I need to go to the hospital 27 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,920 or is this just red vines, right? 28 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:16,440 Is it inner intestines or is this red vines? 29 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:17,880 And of course I didn't go. 30 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,760 But you know, the memories, right? 31 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:22,040 The memories, the things that get triggered. 32 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,680 So anyway, thank you. 33 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:25,820 Thank you, Ben. 34 00:01:25,820 --> 00:01:29,880 So my sobriety date is November 15th, 2002. 35 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,800 My home group is the Pucuema group 36 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,320 where I saw some of you this morning. 37 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,240 Thank you so much for coming 38 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:40,780 and giving us a great talk or a great shares. 39 00:01:40,780 --> 00:01:42,880 Thank you, Ben, for asking me to come. 40 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,400 I thought I knew where you were. 41 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:46,840 I didn't know that you moved 42 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:51,840 and it's, you know, one more time I think I know, right? 43 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:54,160 And if you ever wondered how many times 44 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,000 can someone drive around, you know, 45 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,900 this parking lot without turning in, the answer's four. 46 00:01:59,900 --> 00:02:00,740 (all laughing) 47 00:02:00,740 --> 00:02:03,520 I was just like, nope, nope, I just did circles 48 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,120 for if there's a, if you saw Kia doing circles, 49 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:07,340 like that was me. 50 00:02:07,340 --> 00:02:09,720 And then finally I was like, well, let's just turn in here. 51 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:14,680 And then I saw the triangle and the cone. 52 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,600 And I was like, okay, I'm where I'm supposed to be. 53 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:19,840 And then I asked Karen, thank you so much for your share 54 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,520 and for being the greeter. 55 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,680 I asked, did you used to be somewhere else? 56 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:25,960 And yes, you did. 57 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,920 So, you know, again, it's like, 58 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,280 I think I know God keeps me on my toes. 59 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:32,460 You know, I think I know. 60 00:02:32,460 --> 00:02:36,000 And I was just telling my husband too, like, oh, 61 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,840 I like when I know the area 62 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,240 or when I've been someplace before 63 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,000 because I get a lot of anxiety driving 64 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,360 and, you know, just in general. 65 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:49,840 And I have less anxiety when I know where I'm going. 66 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:54,840 And of course I like, oh my God, like I thought I knew, 67 00:02:54,840 --> 00:03:00,440 but Alcoholics Anonymous, like I don't cave. 68 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:02,600 I left in plenty of time. 69 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,480 You know, I didn't have to worry about being late, you know, 70 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:09,640 because Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me to be prepared, 71 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:13,080 you know, and I, you know, certainly didn't drink. 72 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:18,080 So yeah, and I just, you know, again, I'm glad, 73 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:22,000 I'm glad, so when I signed up to be of service 74 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:26,880 at our Alkathon, I there's only, so, you know, 75 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:31,640 because my life has gotten big as a result of being sober 76 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,440 and Alcoholics Anonymous and I have kids and a husband 77 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:35,880 and we do things, you know, 78 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:40,760 and so Saturday mornings are like the chunk of time 79 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,840 that I can be away from, you know, my kids 80 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,000 and all that stuff. 81 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:49,200 And it was like U.S.R. group and then Quality of Life 82 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,640 and then 185. 83 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,680 And I remember I was hostess for, 84 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,720 I was hosting U.S.R. group last year. 85 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,640 So I was like, I don't want to be their host again. 86 00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:02,760 It's like a men's group. 87 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:04,840 I don't, you know, I don't want them to think like, 88 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:06,400 there she is again, you know, 89 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:10,360 and that's why then I signed up for Quality of Life. 90 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:13,400 And then I was like, oh, but I'm speaking there 91 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:14,760 and that's like too much me. 92 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:18,840 So, you know, that's how much, like still, you know, 93 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:22,640 I'm 21 years sober and like that self, you know, 94 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,840 like nobody cares, you know. 95 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:28,680 Like I spoke this morning and then, you know, again, 96 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,200 like nobody cares, you know, 97 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,080 it's like I sign up to be of service. 98 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,000 Who's gonna even remember, you know, 99 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,760 like who was the hostess last year? 100 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,240 Like nobody, you know, and that's that self 101 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,280 that I deal with on a daily basis, you know, 102 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,760 that Alcoholics Anonymous helps me to like just get over, 103 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:47,960 you know, like get over myself again and again and again, 104 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,960 you know, and thank God. 105 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:54,080 And I'm glad you were there because it felt like, 106 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,160 you know, it's like, oh, friends, you know, 107 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,800 I know Nate, worst bow ties, you know. 108 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,120 I know Roland, he's not yours. 109 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,240 He had a birthday and he's been married a lot of times. 110 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:11,480 I know Nancy doesn't wanna help you 111 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,000 and not only does she not wanna help you, 112 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,480 she wants to watch you burn. 113 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:19,200 Well, I know you and I like that 114 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:24,200 and I remembered it because I identify, I so identify. 115 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,720 When you were sharing, I was like, 116 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,280 ooh, game of thrones, you know. 117 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:33,360 And, you know, like again, and then someone else shared 118 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:34,880 that it doesn't matter, you know, 119 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,800 our thoughts don't matter, it's our actions 120 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,440 and Alcoholics Anonymous teaches me 121 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:39,920 to take the right action. 122 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,360 You know, I can't tell you, 21 years, 123 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:46,760 many, many inventories, you know, many, many commitments, 124 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:50,000 sponsorship and sponsoring, all that stuff. 125 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,840 And I still, like when you were sharing was like, 126 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:54,120 oh, when I'm on the freeway, 127 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,800 I always wish I had like witch powers 128 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:00,560 and I could, you know, like lift someone's car up off 129 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,880 and like grow like Jean Grant, you know. 130 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,360 And then the other day, 131 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,080 so I watched "The Lost Boys" like twice a year 132 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,240 because I love it and also it reminds me of Santa Cruz 133 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:12,080 where I used to live. 134 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:15,520 And so I was walking my dog just two mornings ago 135 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,560 and I was like, I could totally be a vampire. 136 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:21,040 Like I would just feel like the, you know, 137 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:23,440 people from the news that I don't like, you know. 138 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:26,120 I'm like an evil politician, you know, 139 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:29,120 like I would totally do that, it'd be so great. 140 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:32,200 But you know, I don't, those are just thoughts, you know, 141 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:36,240 and a little, you know, sadder than that, you know. 142 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,560 So my dad recently, you know, 143 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,800 my dad almost died in December. 144 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,680 And my dad and as a result of staying sober 145 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:49,440 and alcoholics anonymous, I am a part of my family again. 146 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:53,560 You know, I'm a daughter and I'm a better daughter, 147 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,880 you know, than they had before. 148 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,800 And I have mended those relationships 149 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,120 and I continue to make those living amends 150 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,200 by showing up for them. 151 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,200 And I was able to show up for my mom, you know, 152 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:08,280 and my dad in the hospital, but my thinking, right. 153 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:11,560 And this is, again, you talked about sponsorship. 154 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:14,040 Thank God for my sponsor because my dad has suffered 155 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,720 from depression for a very long time, you know, 156 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:19,840 and it's very hard to be around him, 157 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,280 especially when he's, you know, in those places. 158 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,320 And I am someone that he confides in, you know, 159 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,280 not my mom, not my brother, he doesn't have friends, 160 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,920 you know, like, and it's hard for me, right. 161 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:36,440 And when he was sick and, you know, he was, you know, 162 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:39,760 when it was bad, I talked to my sponsor and I was like, 163 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,640 you know, I feel like maybe he should just die 164 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:47,040 and be released from, you know, the pain of living, right. 165 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,680 And then I felt really bad. 166 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,600 I felt really ashamed, you know, 167 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,040 'cause here's my mom praying like, 168 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,480 "Please God, don't take this man from me," you know. 169 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:57,520 And we worked through that, you know, 170 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,320 I'm not to feel ashamed of my thoughts, right. 171 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:02,920 She's like, "It's okay," you know, because I did, 172 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,720 I felt bad for thinking that, you know. 173 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:09,680 And also that's my shit, you know, that's me. 174 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,260 That's my thinking, you know, like I, you know, 175 00:08:12,260 --> 00:08:13,480 that was my solution. 176 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,080 That is my solution to everything, just die. 177 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,280 You know, like if I'm dead, 178 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,560 then I won't have to worry about it, you know, 179 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,000 like nevermind everyone else. 180 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,760 That's what I've been working for so long 181 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,280 in Alcoholics Anonymous to overcome, right. 182 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:31,160 I have the ability to think of others, not just me, right. 183 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:35,600 And she helped me not to feel bad for that thought, 184 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,600 you know, I don't feel bad for my thinking. 185 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:41,380 What I did was I showed up and I supported, you know, 186 00:08:41,380 --> 00:08:45,280 my mom and what she needed, you know, and I, 187 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,240 and it went away, you know, 188 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,740 and this is how I live in Alcoholics Anonymous. 189 00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:54,740 And I guess I am like reverse, right, like, and I'm hot. 190 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,080 (laughing) 191 00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:02,820 So, you know, I drank, you know, 192 00:09:02,820 --> 00:09:04,220 my first drink, I was 14. 193 00:09:04,220 --> 00:09:07,200 I kind of, I grew up in the, in the Valley Woodland Hills. 194 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:10,940 I went to, you know, Chaminade and it's always fun. 195 00:09:10,940 --> 00:09:12,920 Before I came here, I went to follow your heart 196 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,760 'cause I love follow your heart, you know, 197 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:18,480 and I spent some money and driving down Sherman way, 198 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,840 you know, it's like, oh, my friend lived here 199 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:22,780 and there's the DMV where I failed 200 00:09:22,780 --> 00:09:24,600 my driver's license like twice. 201 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,740 And, you know, little things. 202 00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:29,800 I remember, you know, when it, 'cause I live in Glendale. 203 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,720 So, you know, sometimes I'll drive by a liquor store 204 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:33,740 where it's gone now. 205 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,560 I think there's like a, I don't know what's there now. 206 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,640 It was the green jug liquor on like Platt. 207 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:41,960 And I remember he had like a bunk check that I posted, 208 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,760 you know, like posted up and so little, you know, 209 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:45,920 little memories, you know, 210 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,620 and I'm grateful for those memories, you know, 211 00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:51,540 because it reminds me of what it used to be like, right? 212 00:09:51,540 --> 00:09:53,980 What I used to be like, and I hope I never forget it. 213 00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:56,440 Esther, who's a member of our group always says, 214 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,580 or yeah, she almost says, 215 00:09:58,580 --> 00:10:01,180 I never want to forget what it used to be like, you know, 216 00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:04,240 and then the old timers in my group talk about the price 217 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:07,820 you pay as having to go back and I'm always reminded. 218 00:10:07,820 --> 00:10:10,860 I'm always reminded, even, you know, like, you know, 219 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,980 my husband likes to watch like these shows, 220 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,600 like "Cops" or, you know, I don't know, 221 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,280 like some smuggler show where they, you know, 222 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,620 stop them at the airport and, you know, and it's like, 223 00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:24,180 I feel for, you know, alcohol and drugs 224 00:10:24,180 --> 00:10:28,060 are such a big part of why those people are in trouble, 225 00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:30,660 you know, and some of them, you can really see suffering. 226 00:10:30,660 --> 00:10:33,940 You know, my husband, he does TikTok too, he's sober too. 227 00:10:33,940 --> 00:10:37,980 And, you know, sometimes we watch videos of like drunk 228 00:10:37,980 --> 00:10:40,880 people and sometimes they're funny, you know, 229 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,740 like someone who's like eating pizza in a coma or whatever, 230 00:10:44,740 --> 00:10:47,440 you know, just like, and sometimes they're not funny. 231 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:49,700 You know, sometimes it's somebody and you can see it 232 00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:51,620 in their eyes, like they're gone, you know, 233 00:10:51,620 --> 00:10:55,040 and there's just rage or there's just pain, you know, 234 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:59,620 and I get grateful every time, you know, because I know, 235 00:10:59,620 --> 00:11:03,820 I know how that feels and then I get grateful, you know, 236 00:11:03,820 --> 00:11:06,620 'cause I know what it feels like to be on the other side, 237 00:11:06,620 --> 00:11:10,660 right, and, you know, I never drank normally ever. 238 00:11:10,660 --> 00:11:13,620 You know, my first drink was my first drunk, I was 14. 239 00:11:13,620 --> 00:11:15,700 It was before a homecoming dance. 240 00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:17,860 We drank vodka and orange juice in the park. 241 00:11:17,860 --> 00:11:19,980 It was my first date with a boy ever. 242 00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:23,100 And I puked and made out with my date and blacked out. 243 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:26,700 And that's like my whole experience drinking. 244 00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:28,820 I was a puking, blackout, make out drunk. 245 00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:33,180 I blacked out from the get-go, you know, 246 00:11:33,180 --> 00:11:36,660 and I, you know, I was at a meeting recently 247 00:11:36,660 --> 00:11:39,280 and this woman who was leading the meeting shared 248 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:43,540 about how she threw up in her car vent one time. 249 00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:45,220 And when I shared, I was like, 250 00:11:45,220 --> 00:11:48,940 I also threw up in my car vent again, like the memory. 251 00:11:48,940 --> 00:11:50,340 Like I don't, I didn't remember. 252 00:11:50,340 --> 00:11:52,260 And then I remembered when she said it 253 00:11:52,260 --> 00:11:55,620 'cause I remember, I hope no one's eating. 254 00:11:55,620 --> 00:11:58,940 I remember how hard it was to clean it. 255 00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:02,900 And it was chunky and the smell, 256 00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:06,020 like it just smelled forever, right? 257 00:12:06,020 --> 00:12:07,780 I had such an alcoholic car. 258 00:12:07,780 --> 00:12:10,300 Like this was a car that my parents bought me 259 00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:13,980 when I turned 16, you know, and I was ungrateful 260 00:12:13,980 --> 00:12:15,860 because my friends got better cars. 261 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:20,340 You know, my friends got Jeeps and Celicas and BMWs 262 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,940 and I go to Honda Civic and it was brand new, you know? 263 00:12:22,940 --> 00:12:26,380 And I was ungrateful, you know? 264 00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:29,280 And I drove it and I, you know, crashed it. 265 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,860 And I mean, I remember, you know, 266 00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:35,780 I remember driving like to Santa Barbara and coming back 267 00:12:35,780 --> 00:12:39,020 and, you know, waking up to like my car shaking 268 00:12:39,020 --> 00:12:41,420 and it was like scraping against a mountain 269 00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:43,020 on the 118 freeway. 270 00:12:43,020 --> 00:12:45,340 And, you know, and then right after that mountain 271 00:12:45,340 --> 00:12:47,140 was like nothing, you know? 272 00:12:47,140 --> 00:12:50,760 And I didn't have a God in my life at that time 273 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:53,440 or I didn't have a relationship with God. 274 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,780 Oh, there's the camera. 275 00:12:54,780 --> 00:12:57,980 I was wondering, I was wondering like where it was. 276 00:12:57,980 --> 00:12:59,680 I was like looking around the room. 277 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,500 It's right there. 278 00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:03,820 Yeah, so, you know, 279 00:13:03,820 --> 00:13:07,140 I didn't chalk anything up to anything, right? 280 00:13:07,140 --> 00:13:09,740 So, you know, I drank inappropriately. 281 00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:13,620 I couldn't have, I couldn't do life things, right? 282 00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:16,780 So the way I got by is, you know, I went to college, 283 00:13:16,780 --> 00:13:17,960 my parents paid for stuff. 284 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:21,940 It took me six years to get a four-year degree 285 00:13:21,940 --> 00:13:23,940 because of, you know, drinking. 286 00:13:23,940 --> 00:13:27,120 I managed and then I just, you know, 287 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:30,880 basically lived off of, you know, boyfriends, you know? 288 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:35,360 And what happened because the disease is progressive. 289 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:37,840 And even though when people talked about crossing 290 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:39,920 that invisible line, like I really like, 291 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,920 I don't know if I ever had fun, you know, 292 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,100 because I blacked out and I puked 293 00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:45,700 and people took care of me. 294 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:49,440 And even worse than missing something, right? 295 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,100 Is someone telling you something you did, you know, 296 00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:55,880 that is embarrassing or something that you said 297 00:13:55,880 --> 00:14:00,060 that like destroyed a relationship, right? 298 00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:03,680 But I, you know, you just, I drank through it, you know, 299 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:07,140 because, and when I think about what alcohol did for me, 300 00:14:07,140 --> 00:14:10,400 it really, you know, the more I live sober 301 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,400 and the more I learn about myself in sobriety 302 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,280 through these inventories, right? 303 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:18,140 Is that, you know, 'cause when I got here, 304 00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:22,500 I wouldn't have told you that I didn't feel like a part of, 305 00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:26,660 you know, I didn't identify or I didn't know what that was, 306 00:14:26,660 --> 00:14:27,840 you know, and I wouldn't have told you 307 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,680 that I was fearful or anxious, you know? 308 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,280 But I absolutely was. 309 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:37,280 I am completely run by fear, you know? 310 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:42,280 And once I'm able to identify the source of my bad behavior, 311 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:46,440 then I can do something about it, you know? 312 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,840 And that's what Alcoholics Anonymous teaches me to do. 313 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:51,840 Like I have to uncover, I have to identify like, 314 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,400 what's, why am I doing these things? 315 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:58,620 Like one of the, you know, I think about in my book study, 316 00:14:58,620 --> 00:15:01,720 we're in, or we just started chapter three, 317 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:02,900 but we were in chapter two 318 00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:05,560 and that's like making it a good chapter. 319 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,480 And I love where it talks about like 320 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,520 the baffling nature of alcoholism, you know, 321 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,760 because, and I'm gonna paraphrase, you know, 322 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,400 it says like we're alcoholics 323 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:18,720 and we can think of like thousands of reasons to drink, 324 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,340 right, there's always an excuse to drink. 325 00:15:21,340 --> 00:15:23,600 And it says, but every once in a while, 326 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,480 the alcoholic will tell the truth. 327 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:28,880 And the truth is that they have absolutely no idea 328 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,840 why they took the first drink, you know? 329 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:33,200 And that's what I remember, you know, 330 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,840 it's not like drinking, you know, 331 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,980 when everybody else is drinking 332 00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:40,640 and we're having a party or whatever, 333 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:44,160 it's knowing what happens as a result of my drinking, 334 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,120 the destruction that it causes, the person I become, 335 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,200 when people ask me not to drink. 336 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,020 This is how I knew I was an alcoholic, 337 00:15:51,020 --> 00:15:53,320 a long time before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. 338 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,400 My, I knew I was powerless over alcohol, you know, 339 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:57,880 and I knew my life was unmanageable 340 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:01,880 'cause I couldn't like keep jobs or relationships 341 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:04,640 or, you know, like cars, I couldn't do anything. 342 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:06,520 I wasn't a functioning person, right? 343 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:10,440 I was completely dependent on somebody else to, you know, 344 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,800 feed me and clean with me and house me 345 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:16,160 and more than anything, like provide me with drinks, right? 346 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,120 And that only goes so far when you're like psycho 347 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:22,620 because that's what happens to me. 348 00:16:22,620 --> 00:16:26,360 I was, I was trying, I was in a meeting 349 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,880 and I was trying to, it was like in a nutshell, 350 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,920 like if you want to know who, like what I look like 351 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:36,360 when I was drinking, in this movie, "Casino," 352 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:39,320 there's a scene where Sharon Stone's character, 353 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:42,660 like drives up on the curb, you know, 354 00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:47,160 and she's like gets out and she's like screaming 355 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:50,580 and yelling and kicking plants and picking up like dirt 356 00:16:50,580 --> 00:16:53,320 and like throwing it and Robert De Niro comes out 357 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,440 and he's like in his bathroom and he's all calm 358 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,640 and you know, all the neighbors have come out 359 00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,160 and they're like watching and he's like, 360 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:00,640 "Look, you're embarrassing yourself." 361 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,280 He's like super calm and she's like, you know? 362 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:04,500 And I'm like, that's me. 363 00:17:04,500 --> 00:17:06,840 Like that's, add alcohol, right? 364 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:11,120 That's who I become, like just crazy, inappropriate. 365 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:14,240 And I knew I was powerless, 366 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:17,120 but it didn't keep me from drinking, right? 367 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:20,880 I think about it, like what was I getting out of it? 368 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:24,320 It absolutely worked against me in all areas of my life, 369 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,320 but it did something, you know? 370 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,280 And at the beginning, it just, you know, 371 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:31,200 it made things okay, I just felt okay. 372 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,200 You know, like this brain that I have that's like, 373 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:34,920 is this okay, is this okay, what am I doing? 374 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:35,760 What are you saying? 375 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,420 Like what, you know, like it just quieted it down 376 00:17:38,420 --> 00:17:40,720 and I felt like, okay, I'm good. 377 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,100 You know, like I can breathe, it's okay. 378 00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:45,720 And then what alcohol, what I needed it to do 379 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,040 was to like suppress the feelings 380 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,200 that came from my bad behaviors, you know, 381 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,400 and the people that I hurt and the things that I did 382 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:54,480 when I was drunk. 383 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:59,480 I couldn't live with the knowing or feeling of that, right? 384 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:04,280 But at some point, alcohol stopped keeping me from feeling 385 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,440 or numbing me or whatever, you know? 386 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:09,520 And that's all I, and I couldn't not drink. 387 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,880 You know, and my parents had tried to help me 388 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:13,740 and they sent me to a couple of rehabs. 389 00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:16,840 I went to a 28 day program in Palm Desert 390 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,480 and I'm sure it was a good program. 391 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,540 It didn't work because I didn't wanna stop drinking, 392 00:18:22,540 --> 00:18:26,160 you know, like I, so I played ping pong 393 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:30,400 and ate frozen yogurt and fraternized and hit a bottom, 394 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,500 you know, because when, you know, 395 00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:35,900 my solution to everything is to, you know, kill myself. 396 00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:40,900 And I think I like half, you know, I had a relationship, 397 00:18:40,900 --> 00:18:43,660 I could feel him pulling away, you know, 398 00:18:43,660 --> 00:18:45,420 and I think about that panic. 399 00:18:45,420 --> 00:18:48,720 Like those feelings are so, and I think it's, 400 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,560 I really think it's God, you know, helping me out. 401 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,860 Like those feelings are so fresh. 402 00:18:53,860 --> 00:18:57,200 I can feel it, you know, that panic of knowing he was, 403 00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:01,640 you know, my lifeline, you know, is pulling away 404 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,580 and I did, you know, did whatever, like, 405 00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:07,520 well, I'm gonna kill myself if you even, whatever. 406 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:12,800 And then my parents put me in a 90 day program 407 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,900 in Simi Valley where I just said what I needed to say, 408 00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:17,600 went through the notions again, 409 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,580 had no interest in getting sober 410 00:19:19,580 --> 00:19:21,740 and went to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. 411 00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:25,260 Like I, you know, and I only know this now 412 00:19:25,260 --> 00:19:29,240 after doing inventories, like I wasn't one of, 413 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,340 I didn't not believe you, you know, 414 00:19:31,340 --> 00:19:32,860 when I was sitting in these meetings, 415 00:19:32,860 --> 00:19:36,720 I didn't not believe that you were sober and happy 416 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:39,920 and joyous and free and live in life. 417 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:41,740 I wasn't interested, you know, 418 00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:45,580 and the more I do these inventories and learn about myself, 419 00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:48,440 you know, because things pop up and I gotta, you know, 420 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,240 get into action. 421 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,280 I can see like, I just, I didn't wanna do the work. 422 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,440 You know, at first I used to say like, 423 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,440 oh, I wasn't interested, you know, 424 00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,320 I didn't wanna live your way of life, 425 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,060 but I didn't wanna do, 426 00:20:01,060 --> 00:20:04,120 I didn't wanna do anything for it, you know? 427 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:09,040 And so what happened was when I conceded to my innermost self 428 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,000 that I was an alcoholic and it wasn't like, 429 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:14,080 oh, I'm an alcoholic, you know, like I'm an alcoholic 430 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,840 and I, you know, I'm powerless over alcohol, right? 431 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,040 And my life's unmanageable. 432 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,000 It was conceding to my innermost self. 433 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,120 It was I'm an alcoholic and that means I can't drink, 434 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:27,240 you know, and when that, when I had that realization, 435 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,360 you know, and I love in the book where it talks about, 436 00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:32,400 we had, you know, 12 terms and I love the book 437 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,840 because it speaks to someone like me. 438 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:39,200 Like I, you can't give me more than two choices, right? 439 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,280 Like, like God is or he isn't. 440 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:43,320 Like, you know, what's it gonna be? 441 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,640 You know, and it's like, well, I guess he is, 442 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,960 you know, and it's like, okay, let's do that. 443 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,960 You know, but it's like we have two alternatives to face. 444 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,800 Like one is to go onto the bitter end, 445 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:55,480 blotting out your miserable existence, you know, 446 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,000 and the other is to accept spiritual health, right? 447 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,600 And that was the part I wasn't willing to do, right? 448 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:03,400 And dying was taking too long, you know? 449 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:07,720 So I made a decision because if I, 450 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,760 I didn't wanna be alive if I couldn't drink 451 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,560 and I couldn't keep drinking, you know, 452 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:14,920 I couldn't continue to drink. 453 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:18,040 It's that lonely place they talk about in the big book 454 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,680 where, you know, the jumping off place, you know, 455 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:24,000 can't imagine life either with or without alcohol. 456 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,280 And it was such a horrible place to be, you know? 457 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,840 And so what happened was I, you know, 458 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,440 I broke into my parents' house while they were on vacation. 459 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:36,480 We had a dog that had epilepsy and took medicine. 460 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,080 I knew where it was 'cause I also used to take it. 461 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:44,080 And I broke in, took that bottle of Barbiturates, 462 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,720 fully expected never to wake up again. 463 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,960 And, you know, God was working in my life 464 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,680 before I acknowledged him or allowed him to 465 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,440 because my brother, who was an adult, 466 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,160 who didn't live there, called the paramedics 467 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,920 and I woke up in ICU at Olive View Hospital. 468 00:21:57,920 --> 00:21:59,960 My first thought was, "F you, God." 469 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,360 And I didn't have a relationship with God 470 00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:03,640 before alcoholics anonymous. 471 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:05,600 I grew up a certain way. 472 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,920 I dropped out of confirmation when I was 15. 473 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:10,200 And it was like, there's God in his people 474 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:11,200 and me and smart people. 475 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,840 And, you know, that's the way it's gonna be. 476 00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:17,040 And, you know, you said it, Karen. 477 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,520 In diagnostics, it says, "Deep down in every man, 478 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,880 "woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God." 479 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,480 And when I woke up in that ICU and wasn't dead, 480 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,240 my first thought was, "F you, God." 481 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,920 You know, it's like, I knew it was God's fault. 482 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:34,920 But that's what had to happen for me to, like, surrender. 483 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,840 You know, and my surrender wasn't gracious. 484 00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:39,720 It was like, whatever, you know? 485 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,200 And I stayed at, they kicked me up to the sixth floor 486 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:44,400 at Olive View Hospital. 487 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,440 I stayed there for 10 days. 488 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:49,760 They placed me in a six-month women's recovery home 489 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,360 in Sylmar. 490 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:52,320 It's not there anymore. 491 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,200 It was called Oasis. 492 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:55,680 And that's where my life changed. 493 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,080 And, you know, those feelings, 494 00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:59,840 I'll never forget how it felt when I got to the gate. 495 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,600 You know, and this woman ran up to the gate, 496 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,280 and she's like, "Hi, I'm your big sister. 497 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,800 "We're gonna love you 'til you love yourself." 498 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,120 And I was just like, "Whatever," you know? 499 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:10,960 And I really felt like God won, you know? 500 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:13,680 I, taking those pills was my last good idea. 501 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,760 I felt like God wouldn't let me die. 502 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,880 This is my punishment, you know, and I accepted it. 503 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,000 And that's how I showed up to my home group. 504 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,720 I mean, some of you were there this morning. 505 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,360 These people are amazing and bright and loving, you know? 506 00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:29,040 Like, God is there, right? 507 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,640 And I showed up like, "I'm here 'cause I didn't die." 508 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:36,440 You know, thank God, you know, that it doesn't matter, 509 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,600 you know, that I'm a part 510 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:41,000 of Al Pollack's Anonymous, regardless, you know? 511 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,800 And at that recovery home, they said, 512 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,680 "You have to get a sponsor and start the steps, 513 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:45,920 "or you gotta kick rocks." 514 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:47,760 They called it Kickin' Rocks down Polk Street, 515 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,120 and I would picture myself kickin' rocks, you know? 516 00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:53,160 And I got a sponsor, and I had nothing to lose, you know, 517 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,360 by starting the steps. 518 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:58,520 And that woman was so important in my life, you know? 519 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:01,400 I got a new sponsor when I was 14, 520 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,400 and you know, both of these women, 521 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,760 it's like, God put them there for a reason, 522 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,120 and they've never steered me wrong, you know? 523 00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:11,240 I reach out, and I have women in my life where I call them, 524 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,440 and they give me the words, you know? 525 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,680 They give me the words, and it's so simple, you know? 526 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:16,760 It's so simple. 527 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:19,080 Like, I'll fight with my husband, 528 00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,120 and I'll call, you know, my friend Tammy, 529 00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:23,520 and she'll just be like, "Amy, what do you want?" 530 00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:24,680 You know, and I'll be like, 531 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,920 "I wanna go to Disneyland," you know, or whatever. 532 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,520 And then she'll give me the words 533 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:32,040 to like, communicate that with my husband, you know? 534 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,440 And it's crazy, right? 535 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:36,960 And before I run out of time, 536 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,280 I wanna say like, at 12 years sober, 537 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,280 and it's like this inventory I get, 538 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,600 and at 12 years sober, I, you know, 539 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:48,280 in sobriety, I have had, oh, thank you. 540 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,840 I have had, so it's actually funny. 541 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:55,840 I think I've spoken at Quality of Life a couple times, 542 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:58,920 and the first, I remember one time, 543 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:00,920 I was pregnant with my first daughter, 544 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:02,720 and someone had asked me to speak, 545 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,760 and I was like, gonna go, or I was ready to go, 546 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,120 and then I, I don't know, 547 00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:08,960 I might've been like seven months pregnant, 548 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:10,960 and I went to the bathroom, 549 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:13,480 and like, there was something that wasn't normal, 550 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,280 and so I was like, oh, ah, 551 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,480 'cause I was like eight or nine years sober, 552 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:20,760 and I didn't wanna not do my commitment, right? 553 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:22,880 Not do what I said I was gonna do, right? 554 00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,200 That's not what I was taught in Alcoholics Anonymous. 555 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,160 I do what I say I'm gonna do, right? 556 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:28,000 And then I thought like, 557 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,280 I'm not gonna tell my husband I'll deal with it after, 558 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:31,440 'cause he was coming with me. 559 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:33,760 And I told him, I remember, and he's like, 560 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:36,240 we're gonna go to the hospital. 561 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:39,360 So I remember calling the person that asked me 562 00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:42,560 from the group, and I was so, I felt so bad, 563 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:45,880 and I was crying, and I'm like, I can't, I can't show up. 564 00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:47,760 You know, I gotta go to the hospital, 565 00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:49,960 'cause I'm pregnant, and he's like, yeah, 566 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:51,800 go to the hospital. 567 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,800 And you know, I remember little things like that, 568 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:57,600 and it's like my, one of my old timers, Louie's like, 569 00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,360 you know, if I'm not there, 570 00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,560 they're just gonna find another speaker, you know? 571 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,480 Like that's how Alcoholics Anonymous works, you know? 572 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,360 And it's like such these like basic things, right? 573 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:11,240 But it's like, as long as I do the right thing, you know? 574 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:12,800 Or if I don't know what that is, 575 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,400 to call my sponsor to help me to like, 576 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,520 figure out what is the right thing, you know? 577 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:19,480 And the more inventory I do, 578 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:21,880 the more I figure out like where I'm coming from, 579 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:24,440 and what my motives are, and what isn't the right thing, 580 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:25,280 right? 581 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:26,520 So when I was 12 years sober, 582 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:28,480 I wanted to drive my car off a cliff, you know? 583 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,880 And at 12 years sober, I was in the middle of Alcoholics 584 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:34,800 Anonymous, I was in contact with my sponsor, 585 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,800 I was sponsoring women, I had two kids, 586 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:39,520 I had living amends, I had, you know, 587 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,880 a good member of my group married, all this stuff, 588 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,760 and I wanted to die, you know? 589 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:46,320 And usually when I have those thoughts, 590 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,760 they like kind of fleeted away, you know? 591 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,360 Like, you know, my team loses, I was like, I wanna die, 592 00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:53,280 you know, and then it's like, that's stupid, you know? 593 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:54,560 And then I go on with my life, 594 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,480 and sometimes if I think too hard, 595 00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:57,840 it's like, I'll play the tape through, 596 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,200 and I'll be like, oh, I'll picture my husband on, 597 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:02,280 you know, talking to my kids, your mom loved you, 598 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,800 she was just really sad, and I'll be like, oh no, you know? 599 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:07,600 And then it goes away, but the thought wasn't going away, 600 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,720 you know, and the difference between being suicidal 601 00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:13,960 at 12 years sober, in Alcoholics Anonymous, 602 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:17,880 and before that was, I had a sponsor to reach out to, 603 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:19,600 you know, and I called her and I told her, 604 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,640 these feelings aren't going away, you know? 605 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,480 And I did an inventory, did a fear inventory, 606 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,960 and I uncovered, you know, and it was ugly, you know? 607 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,160 I was in debt, I was in debt, you know? 608 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,960 And what came out on that inventory, 609 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,760 and that I had to face, you know, pen to paper facing me, 610 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,880 was this gross part of me that was like, 611 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:43,680 oh, I'm in debt and I can't buy things, you know? 612 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,040 I can't shop at Anthropologie, like, 613 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:49,920 and I'm gonna, you know, leave this earth because I can't, 614 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:52,000 and I had this resentment against my husband, 615 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:53,760 and I thought it was about the dishes, 616 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:55,560 and I had done these little inventories, 617 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,360 and it hadn't gone away, and when I did that inventory, 618 00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:00,160 what I found out, what I uncovered, 619 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:01,960 was that I was resentful at my husband 620 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:05,520 because he didn't have a job that supported us both, 621 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:10,520 you know, and I was resentful that I also had to work, 622 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:14,480 you know, and I knew what he did when I met him, 623 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,280 and he's a wonderful man and a wonderful dad, 624 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:21,120 and a great AA, you know, and he loves his job. 625 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:24,480 I've never loved a job, you know, and I don't begrudge him 626 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:28,120 that, and so when I was able to see it and recognize, 627 00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:30,840 like, that's not fair, you know? 628 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:33,480 Like, I can't put that on him. 629 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,320 That resentment went away, you know? 630 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:39,600 When I acknowledged that, you know, these little parts, 631 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:40,920 you know, and someone was sharing it, 632 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:42,400 it might have been your time slot, 633 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:43,720 it might have been another one, 634 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,920 that the road gets narrower and I uncover more about myself, 635 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:50,520 you know, it was, you know, thank you so much. 636 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:54,400 I uncover more about myself, you know, and that's how, 637 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:57,000 and I live, you know, I have so much fear 638 00:28:57,000 --> 00:29:00,440 and all this weird thinking and all this self, you know, 639 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:05,440 but what Alcoholics Anonymous helps me do is to live right, 640 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:07,120 do the right thing. 641 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,120 Everything I walk through that's difficult 642 00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,600 in Alcoholics Anonymous, as long as I don't pick up a drink, 643 00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:13,880 brings me closer to that God, right? 644 00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,680 And it does get easier, it does get easier. 645 00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:19,280 Like, one thing I never understood, you know, 646 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:22,920 which is crazy to me, it was that life is life. 647 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,640 Like, sometimes bad things happen, you know? 648 00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:28,040 Disappointment, loss, sadness. 649 00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:30,680 I don't know why I thought I could show up to life 650 00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:32,440 and be like, take care of me 651 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,480 and I never need to feel anything bad, you know? 652 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,640 And that's not what life is and today I choose life, 653 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:41,680 you know, because I have a way to live, you know? 654 00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:44,400 And it's not always easy, but oh my God, you know, 655 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:48,640 it's so, I have so much joy in my life, so much joy. 656 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:53,200 Those kids are so hard, but also like, so worth it. 657 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,400 Everything that's hard in Alcoholics Anonymous 658 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,480 that I've had to do and a lot of it's just me, you know? 659 00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:02,320 Like, looking at me, you know, it's worth it. 660 00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:05,640 It's worth it to get to live in God's grace 661 00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:07,800 and in this gratitude and this love 662 00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:09,880 and to also give it away. 663 00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:11,240 So I should put that in there. 664 00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,720 It's not my forte, but I'm working towards it. 665 00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:17,440 So anyway, thank you so much for letting me share.