1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,600 - Hi guys, it's Katzi Davis, alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:05,840 Mindful of the time. 3 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:07,780 I just forgot my story. 4 00:00:07,780 --> 00:00:12,760 Okay, my sobriety date is August 5th, 2011, 5 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,720 which right in and of itself is an absolute miracle. 6 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:16,960 I can just tell you that right now. 7 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:20,200 And after I'm done talking, you'll agree with me, I promise. 8 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:24,520 I was raised on the East coast in New York 9 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:27,480 by a mother who was a total normie. 10 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:28,480 She still is. 11 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,720 She's a nice Jewish girl from Brooklyn. 12 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:33,780 She's got seven older brothers and an older sister. 13 00:00:33,780 --> 00:00:37,240 And she's always been like in charge of everything 14 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:40,240 and runs the show and takes care of her family. 15 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,720 And she's a sober woman. 16 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,780 She is an absolutely sober woman. 17 00:00:44,780 --> 00:00:49,680 She married a 18 years older than her divorced alcoholic, 18 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:53,000 Cuban, who we thought was Cuban, but that's another story. 19 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,020 23andMe is an amazing thing. 20 00:00:57,940 --> 00:00:59,980 Who drank like a fish 21 00:00:59,980 --> 00:01:02,480 and did all kinds of other outside issues 22 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:06,720 and ran a pot business out of our apartment in Manhattan 23 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,760 and had friends coming over to share 24 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:12,100 in the large mounds of cocaine 25 00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:13,880 that he would leave in the middle of the table. 26 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,720 And from the time I was a very young child, 27 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,780 all I knew is that when I went to my mom's family, 28 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:22,540 it was really quiet and everybody was really nice, 29 00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:23,960 but they just played in the yard. 30 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,720 And then they went to bed by eight o'clock 31 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:27,480 and there were a hundred rules 32 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,260 and all the kids followed the rules 33 00:01:29,260 --> 00:01:32,160 and it just felt very beige and very boring to me. 34 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,520 And then I come home to Manhattan 35 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:35,200 and go with my father's family. 36 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:39,240 And there were fights and music and lights and bars 37 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,560 and everything was loud and colorful 38 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,880 and going on all the time and it was dangerous. 39 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:47,640 And it was scary as a child, but I loved it. 40 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,100 I loved the chaos of it. 41 00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:52,360 I loved being treated like a grownup from the age of like seven 42 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,540 because I had to monitor what was going on 43 00:01:54,540 --> 00:01:56,440 because I was the only sober person in the room 44 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:57,280 most of the time. 45 00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:58,500 My mother, I will say this, 46 00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,920 my mother, my dad would never have allowed her 47 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,000 to not partake in what he was doing. 48 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,440 So she did do some of the party favors 49 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:06,280 with him at that time, 50 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:09,140 but that just wasn't her real desire. 51 00:02:09,140 --> 00:02:12,340 And the second she got out of there, it stopped. 52 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,440 But there was a time when I was definitely 53 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:17,440 the most sober person in the room, almost all the time. 54 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:19,680 And my cousins who were teenagers 55 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,600 were already partaking of everything 56 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,440 and I could not wait for my turn. 57 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,000 As far as I was concerned, alcohol was my birthright. 58 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,840 I could not wait to get to that bar. 59 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,840 It looked exciting and fun. 60 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,800 My dad had this big bottle of Johnny Walker Red, 61 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,820 I think it was, on a swivel. 62 00:02:34,820 --> 00:02:37,360 It was on a big old wooden swivel. 63 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:41,440 And I just wanted to pour some of that for myself so bad 64 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,720 and everything else that was there. 65 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,200 And I would make the drinks for everybody 66 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:46,980 and I would taste them as I went along. 67 00:02:46,980 --> 00:02:49,060 And everything tasted kind of icky, 68 00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:51,660 but I didn't care because I knew I wanted it. 69 00:02:51,660 --> 00:02:53,040 Everybody was having a good time 70 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,240 and I wanted to be part of that party. 71 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,040 But the other side of that is being a child of an alcoholic 72 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,420 means you want to kind of be in control all the time. 73 00:03:00,420 --> 00:03:02,520 So for the longest time, 74 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,960 what I didn't do is what my older cousins did, 75 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,760 which was delve really quickly into heavy drugs 76 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:09,920 because I didn't ever want to not know 77 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:11,080 what was going on in the room. 78 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,800 It was too dangerous to not be aware 79 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,360 of my surroundings all the time. 80 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,960 So I was sort of a careful-butting alcoholic 81 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,600 as a young child. 82 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,040 But by the time I got, my mom and dad divorced, 83 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,600 understandably, when I was like 11. 84 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:29,160 And by the time I got to Los Angeles with my mom, 85 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,020 I was seeking the party, 86 00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:34,720 but not really knowing where to look yet in LA. 87 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:38,680 And what I did know is that every opportunity I had to drink 88 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,680 I knew how much was available to me. 89 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,720 I knew how much was there for everybody in the room 90 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:46,160 and if I thought it was gonna be enough or not. 91 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,760 And I was constantly aware of who was pouring what when. 92 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:51,560 And I learned from a very young age 93 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:53,440 to help out in the kitchen, help the hostess. 94 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,220 Even if I went to parties with my parents, 95 00:03:55,220 --> 00:03:58,380 I would offer to go help the lady of the house 96 00:03:58,380 --> 00:04:01,480 in the kitchen 'cause then I could sneak all the drinks 97 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,000 as I was cleaning them out. 98 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,680 And it was just, I loved everything 99 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,360 about the way alcohol made me feel. 100 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:09,460 I really, really did. 101 00:04:09,460 --> 00:04:12,340 And I hated myself so much. 102 00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:15,020 I had so many terrible things running through my head 103 00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:18,240 all the time, a constant cacophony of what's wrong with you. 104 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,680 And if anybody knew the real you, they wouldn't like you. 105 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,320 And stop doing that and stop making that face 106 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:24,480 and they're seeing you now 107 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:25,440 and what do you think you're doing? 108 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,240 I mean, it would just never shut up. 109 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:29,660 And alcohol shut it up. 110 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:30,880 It shut it down. 111 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,100 When I got to high school, 112 00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:34,560 by the time I got to high school parties 113 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,480 and all I had to do was get there early enough 114 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,920 to get in that kitchen and get to the alcohol first 115 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:42,120 or bring it myself or preload. 116 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,000 I learned to do that really early on. 117 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,640 And as long as I had at least a couple of drinks with me 118 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,040 by the time I walked through that door, 119 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:49,880 by the time people started walking through the door, 120 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,320 I was gonna be okay because I didn't care anymore. 121 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:53,800 Now I don't care what you think of me 122 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,220 or whether you notice that look on my face, who cares? 123 00:04:56,220 --> 00:05:00,360 And I'm calm, finally, just a little bit calm in my head. 124 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:03,940 And trying to find that initial calm that alcohol gave me 125 00:05:03,940 --> 00:05:06,900 is what I chased into madness 126 00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:10,280 for the next 27 years of my life. 127 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:12,640 So I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting 128 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:15,160 when I was like 17 or 18 years old. 129 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,140 I think I was just trying to befriend a girl at school 130 00:05:18,140 --> 00:05:20,160 who was popular and she was going 131 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,840 and she asked me to come support her. 132 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:24,040 And it was at the Ohio Avenue meeting hall, 133 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:25,320 which was right across the street 134 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:26,800 from where my mom had just moved in. 135 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:28,940 We just moved in with my stepdad right there. 136 00:05:28,940 --> 00:05:31,760 So I was a block and a half from my home. 137 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,280 So I always knew that was AA. 138 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:37,080 And from that experience for the next 20 years or so, 139 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:41,060 27 years, I would go in and out of AA like a vagrant. 140 00:05:41,060 --> 00:05:44,080 I would just show up from time to time to get the heat off 141 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,800 or when I thought maybe I'd gone a little too far 142 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:50,600 or to hear, I wanted somebody to teach me how to drink 143 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,160 like a lady, for one thing. 144 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,360 I needed desperately for someone to teach me 145 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:56,200 how to exist with alcohol 146 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:59,480 without having it totally destroy everything around me. 147 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,760 And I loved anything that sped me up. 148 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:05,580 So I did a lot of that too. 149 00:06:05,580 --> 00:06:11,440 Going into my 20s and 30s, I found myself a mate 150 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:13,400 who had a worse problem with cocaine 151 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,540 than I did with alcohol, at least that's what it looked like. 152 00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:18,200 And that was great because that gave me an excuse. 153 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,040 You drink too if you're with this man. 154 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:23,320 Of course I'm drinking, look what he's bringing home 155 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:26,000 and the mess he's making of our lives. 156 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:30,800 And it was really, and we had a child together 157 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:34,480 and that was kind of the biggest wake up call of all for me 158 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,000 although it didn't stop me for, 159 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:38,880 my son was 11 when I got sober, so it takes a while. 160 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:43,880 But I definitely recognize that neither one of us 161 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,720 were capable of being good supportive parents. 162 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:48,220 And my son was diagnosed autistic 163 00:06:48,220 --> 00:06:50,200 when he was three and a half years old. 164 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,280 And from that point on, it was like, 165 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:53,800 I don't know how to do this. 166 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,460 And the more overwhelmed I became, the more I drank. 167 00:06:56,460 --> 00:06:59,840 And what had started out, in all through, 168 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,240 it's a progressive disease, right? 169 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,880 And we all, we start out in one way, it's problems and fun, 170 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:07,320 fun and then fun with problems and then just problems. 171 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:12,320 But for me, it was like the fun really ran out so early on 172 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,400 and I just didn't recognize it, I refused to believe it. 173 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,600 And I kept trying to make it my social life. 174 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,560 And it was just, it's real, I just drink to go out 175 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,320 and to have fun and this is what people do 176 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,700 and we drink to go dancing and we drink to go to bars 177 00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:26,600 and this is how we entertain ourselves. 178 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,360 But the truth is, I was not capable of going out anywhere 179 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,680 unless there was a plan of alcohol included in that night. 180 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,040 I wasn't saying yes to any plan you had 181 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:38,160 that didn't involve a bar or a store or a liquor store 182 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:39,920 'cause that was just a waste of time to me. 183 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,720 And I needed it, I needed it desperately. 184 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,520 In the beginning, the alcohol, 185 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:46,760 it really quickly became my medicine. 186 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,280 First it was my social lubricant, then it became my medicine 187 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:50,880 and once it became my medicine, 188 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:55,520 the need for it was so intense, I absolutely could not stop. 189 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:59,620 And I saw myself like blowing up my life a few times. 190 00:07:59,620 --> 00:08:02,580 I had really good jobs or I'd get into school 191 00:08:02,580 --> 00:08:05,480 and then I'd just drink it away, I'd stop going 192 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:09,800 or I'd become really unreliable and I'd quit that job 193 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,360 because I don't wanna get fired. 194 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,640 So I always quit right before they were gonna fire me. 195 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,480 And so my resume looked great, 196 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:17,660 it was just me making moves, it looked like, 197 00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:21,560 but it was really me, you know, giving up on myself again. 198 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:23,720 And at the last job I worked at, 199 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,980 I was so, I was doing a lot of crystal meth 200 00:08:26,980 --> 00:08:29,040 and I was drinking constantly 201 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,840 and I would go into my car at my lunch hour 202 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,160 and disappear for like two hours 203 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:35,660 as I'd pass out in the car and not even realize it. 204 00:08:35,660 --> 00:08:36,740 By the time I got back upstairs, 205 00:08:36,740 --> 00:08:38,080 everybody's like, "Everybody's been looking for you, 206 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,040 "where have you been?" 207 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,200 And so I had to quit that job 208 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,360 because it was clear I was getting this close. 209 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:47,720 And you know, that was in 2007, I believe. 210 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,200 And my mother had her own business 211 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:54,120 and she had asked her assistant who was one of us 212 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,020 and 18 years sober at the time, 213 00:08:56,020 --> 00:08:58,960 had tried to help me get sober a couple of times. 214 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:02,280 Since I'd moved, I had moved up to San Francisco in my 20s 215 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:03,360 and I moved back down here 216 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:05,300 when I was getting divorced in my 30s. 217 00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:07,760 And because I knew I couldn't raise my kid on my own, 218 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,880 there was no way, so I had to be near my family. 219 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:13,320 And my mom, I came to work for her 220 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,120 and I was just such a mess at that point. 221 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,000 And her assistant recognized it in me. 222 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,720 She had taken me to the Marina Center a few times 223 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,200 a couple of years before I started working there 224 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,860 and she'd come to my house 225 00:09:24,860 --> 00:09:26,860 and we'd gotten all the wine bottles out of my house 226 00:09:26,860 --> 00:09:28,320 and she'd help me clean everything up 227 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,680 and okay, this time I'm gonna get sober, sure thing. 228 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,840 And I just couldn't do it. 229 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:37,320 I never heard the magic and I don't know how I missed it, 230 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,240 but so many times I went to a meeting 231 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:40,860 and I just didn't hear it. 232 00:09:40,860 --> 00:09:42,360 I wasn't listening for it. 233 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:43,880 I was only listening for the reasons 234 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,000 why I didn't need to stay and why I was different from you 235 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:50,280 and why I wasn't, you know, I just knew in my gut 236 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:51,340 that this wasn't gonna work for me 237 00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:54,320 because I'd been to AA before, why would it? 238 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,660 But I also knew as time was going by 239 00:09:56,660 --> 00:09:58,000 that I was making my life 240 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,440 and my surroundings worse and worse. 241 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:05,100 By the time I came here this time, I had four years solid 242 00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:10,100 from 2007 to 2011 of not drawing a sober breath. 243 00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:14,320 I sat down on my couch, there was no more bars, 244 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,740 there was no more social life, there were no more drugs 245 00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:19,000 because you have to go to other people to get drugs 246 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,880 and I didn't wanna deal with anybody else. 247 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,720 You know, the best thing about alcohol 248 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,660 was I could walk into any store in the city 249 00:10:24,660 --> 00:10:26,460 and get what I needed and go home 250 00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,360 and be left to my own devices. 251 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:29,840 Nobody was gonna comment on it, 252 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,200 nobody was gonna step on it and make it not right. 253 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,440 You know, I didn't have to worry about any of that. 254 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:37,920 So I'm sort of grateful that that happened inside my brain 255 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:39,760 around the time that fentanyl showed up 256 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,520 because God only knows. 257 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:46,520 But I absolutely did not know how to exist 258 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,720 without alcohol. 259 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:50,800 And at that point, I really was at the place 260 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,600 where it wasn't working anymore, 261 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:53,700 but I couldn't live without it. 262 00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:57,600 And I didn't have any place in between to sit myself. 263 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:01,480 I was just stuck in this never ending rotation 264 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:05,040 of bottles of booze and going to work with a bottle 265 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,680 like this full of sake 266 00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:09,360 that I was going to my desk with every day 267 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:13,100 because it didn't have tannins in it like white wine, 268 00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:15,800 but it didn't get me drunk as fast as vodka, 269 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,480 which is what I needed, what I wanted, 270 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,720 but I couldn't risk overshooting the mark that badly 271 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:21,880 every time I went to work. 272 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,000 So sake, I was able to sort of keep it down, 273 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,960 keep it quiet, keep a mellow buzz going 274 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,040 until I could get home and drink the way I wanna drink. 275 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:33,280 And I was poisoning myself too. 276 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:36,300 And my mom asked me to go to a therapist 277 00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:37,720 for like the 20th time. 278 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,400 I've been to every kind of therapy known to man. 279 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:42,240 I've gone to art therapy, a psychic therapist. 280 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,840 I have no idea what that was supposed to be. 281 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,920 I went to doctors who were just pill pushers, 282 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,460 who would just give me their sample cards all the time. 283 00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:54,040 And everything, every kind of therapy 284 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:55,800 because I was constantly trying to find out 285 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:56,800 what was wrong with me. 286 00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,020 And therapists I loved because they would tell me 287 00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:02,360 why it was my father's fault, then my mother's fault, 288 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,080 then everybody else's fault. 289 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,380 And I never had to take responsibility for anything. 290 00:12:06,380 --> 00:12:08,160 I just had to take that little pill 291 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:11,720 and listen to and keep coming back the next week. 292 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:16,300 And the problem was with my last therapist, 293 00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,460 she could tell what was going on with me. 294 00:12:18,460 --> 00:12:20,600 She could see the yellow behind my eyes 295 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:24,620 and how pale my skin was and how bloated my stomach was 296 00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:27,520 from my liver being blown up. 297 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,560 And she said, "I'd like to put you in an antidepressant, 298 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,640 "but I can't until you cut down on your drinking." 299 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,200 I'm like, "I've only been here a couple of times. 300 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:35,420 "I've never even mentioned alcohol. 301 00:12:35,420 --> 00:12:36,920 "What is she talking about?" 302 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:37,760 I said, "What are you talking about?" 303 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,360 She said, "Well, we could start with that water bottle." 304 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,260 And I just said, "You think I think it's full of water." 305 00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:43,960 Now, my normal response to being caught like this 306 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,920 is the best defense is a good offense. 307 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,960 I get angry, I get in your face and I get out of there 308 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,800 and you never hear from me again. 309 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,840 And this, I always consider my first surrender 310 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,600 because for the first time, instead of saying, 311 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,680 "F you and I'm out of here and who do you think 312 00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:58,520 "you're talking to?" 313 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,520 And leaving, I swallowed it and I said, 314 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:03,240 "What do you think I should do?" 315 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:06,060 And she said, "Well, my brother's in a 12-step program 316 00:13:06,060 --> 00:13:07,080 "that seems to work for him." 317 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:08,360 And I'm like, "Oh, I've got it." 318 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:09,800 And she said, "Yeah, but let's..." 319 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,500 I said, "I tell you what, let's get you 320 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,220 "to a gastroenterologist first and figure out 321 00:13:13,220 --> 00:13:15,000 "what's wrong with you because you don't look so good." 322 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,240 So she sent me to a doctor and the doctor told me 323 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,080 that my liver enzymes were through the roof 324 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,940 and my liver was twice its normal size 325 00:13:20,940 --> 00:13:23,600 and I had burned a hole in the lining of my esophagus, 326 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,560 which is why it hurts so much to drink. 327 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:29,760 And to eat and to anything and that, you know, 328 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,640 I was going to head into cirrhosis if I didn't stop it. 329 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:33,880 So that was terrifying. 330 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:37,280 And then she hooked me up with a place called 331 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:41,640 Las Encinas out in Pasadena and it's a detox and a rehab. 332 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:44,760 And I agreed to go out there and I drove out there 333 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:46,960 with a bottle of wine in my car and got drunk 334 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,020 on the way there and when I got there, 335 00:13:50,020 --> 00:13:53,120 they put me through their whole intake process 336 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:54,640 and everything else and they sat me down and said, 337 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,960 "Okay, we've got a bed ready for you, you know, 338 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:57,800 "come down the hall." 339 00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:58,840 And I said, "Oh, no, no, no, no. 340 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,420 "I'm just here to check you guys out. 341 00:14:00,420 --> 00:14:01,600 "I was just coming to audit it. 342 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,100 "I have to arrange babysitting for my son 343 00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,800 "and I have to do this and talk to my boss 344 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:06,640 "and blah, blah, blah." 345 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:08,140 My boss is my mother. 346 00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:10,920 And they said, "Well, okay, but you're gonna have to go 347 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:12,400 "through this whole process again. 348 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,580 "We have to start from scratch next time." 349 00:14:14,580 --> 00:14:16,320 Said, "Okay, that's fine." 350 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:19,400 And I left and I went home and I'm like, "I can't, I can't." 351 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,360 But a few days later, my son took one of my water bottles 352 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,240 and he did this before he took the sip. 353 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,600 And I knew that meant he'd gotten my bottle before. 354 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:28,920 And that kind of broke my heart. 355 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,760 And I can tell you about my very, 356 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:35,080 very capable autistic son is that when he was younger, 357 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,400 you know, he didn't know how to interact 358 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:38,720 with the children very much. 359 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,720 And he would get inappropriate or get in their face 360 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:41,960 or try to hold on to people. 361 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,600 So if he wanted to go to the park or be anywhere in public, 362 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:48,000 I had to be focused on him and pay attention to him 363 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,360 and make sure that I was watching him at all times 364 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,280 so that nothing bad happened with another child. 365 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,640 And so that he could enjoy himself in the park and play. 366 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,420 Well, that was too much for Cassie 367 00:14:56,420 --> 00:14:59,200 because I've got my bottle full of whatever, 368 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:02,280 sake or 7-Up and vodka or whatever it is 369 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:03,840 I'm bringing to the park that day. 370 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,040 And I can't be bothered to pay attention to him. 371 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,920 And it's not, it's getting very uncomfortable. 372 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:10,480 So instead of straightening myself up 373 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,360 and going to the park sober once in a while, 374 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:13,900 or just not drinking for that hour 375 00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:15,200 and paying attention to my kid, 376 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:18,520 I just turned my apartment into a playground for him. 377 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,160 I let him draw on the walls. 378 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:23,400 I let him do whatever he wanted with crayons and stuff. 379 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,880 I bought every CD and DVD known to man, 380 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:31,080 every kid's show on the planet I had on video or DVD. 381 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,400 And he had a machine in his room 382 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,560 and he had a machine in the living room 383 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,880 and he could watch whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. 384 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,800 And he could play and draw on the walls. 385 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,960 And I let him turn, I mean, 386 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,620 my carpet got crunchy from all the crayons 387 00:15:43,620 --> 00:15:45,920 'cause I wasn't cleaning up after us very much anymore 388 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,160 at this point either. 389 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,720 And the dining room table was just full of paper 390 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,600 and drawings and stuff everywhere. 391 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:56,240 And it was the most unhealthy, inappropriate thing 392 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,440 I could possibly have done with this autistic child 393 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:01,600 was just to like shut down his life completely 394 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,800 outside of school, he did go to school. 395 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,560 And it was, you know, it's my biggest shame 396 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,040 that and I brought him with me once for a drug buy, 397 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,080 which was horrifying. 398 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,640 And when I see myself in those moments, 399 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,240 when I can see myself sitting in that car 400 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,880 waiting for the dealer to come get me my Coke 401 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,920 while my son is in the backseat crying 402 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,460 and the dealer saying, "You gotta come to the house with me, 403 00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:23,720 "you can't do it here." 404 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,720 So I leave my son in the car and go. 405 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,520 I am the stupidest lucky girl on the planet 406 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:30,780 that no policeman came up 407 00:16:30,780 --> 00:16:32,880 and took my child away from me that night. 408 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,160 He should have been taken away from me. 409 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,660 There were months and months and months 410 00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:38,980 where I had no business being a parent to that child. 411 00:16:38,980 --> 00:16:42,040 And I was only slightly better than his father, 412 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,880 you know, who was living a few hundred miles away anyway. 413 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:48,860 And when I think about what I was willing to trade 414 00:16:48,860 --> 00:16:51,940 for that little bit of alcohol, it is such a waste. 415 00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:54,020 It is such a waste that I was willing to trade 416 00:16:54,020 --> 00:16:56,640 not just my dignity, not just my common sense, 417 00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:00,980 but my son's safety, his security, his education, 418 00:17:00,980 --> 00:17:02,760 everything so that I could keep drinking 419 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:03,760 the way I wanted to drink. 420 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,280 And I think that that was enough for me. 421 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,380 I think that that moment of watching him 422 00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:11,280 take a sniff off the bottle before he drank it 423 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,600 was just enough for me. 424 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,320 That really shut me down. 425 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,760 And I went back out to, I told my mom I needed to go. 426 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:19,480 I needed a rest, I needed something. 427 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:23,760 And she's like, whatever you need that will get you healthy, 428 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,000 I don't care what it is. 429 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,040 But I didn't mention alcohol. 430 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:27,400 I didn't tell her it was a detox. 431 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,760 I went out there to Los Encinas again, 432 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,960 this time with like three bottles of sake in my trunk. 433 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,800 And I sat out all night long 434 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:39,400 and drank just outside their parking lot and waited. 435 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,200 And when I saw the sprinklers come on 436 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,200 and heard the gardeners, I said, well, I guess it's time. 437 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:46,000 And I drove in and I walked inside 438 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,820 and there was a woman parked next to me. 439 00:17:47,820 --> 00:17:49,280 And when she opened to the trunk of her car, 440 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:52,200 there were like thousands of those little airport bottles 441 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,040 in her trunk. 442 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,040 And I'm like, oh, okay. 443 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,160 I'm not the only one who came here preloaded. 444 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,040 So, and we both sort of toddled inside 445 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:01,960 and they just sat me in a corner in a room 446 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,800 and propped me up against a wall 447 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,500 and let me sleep it off for three hours, 448 00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:07,560 which I later found out I was very fortunate 449 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:09,920 because the other woman got carted off to a hospital. 450 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:13,240 So they checked me in and I got in 451 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,880 and I spent the next three days mostly on Librium 452 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,460 and not knowing which way was up 453 00:18:18,460 --> 00:18:20,320 and barely able to walk up the stairs 454 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:23,280 and not paying attention to anything. 455 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,480 And then on that third day, 456 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,120 they lowered my Librium enough for me 457 00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:30,100 to sort of wake up out of the fog. 458 00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:32,840 And I went to an H&I meeting. 459 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:33,800 I've been to alcoholics, 460 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,920 none was probably 20 times before then, 461 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,520 but I never heard it before. 462 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,640 And this time I heard it. 463 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,360 A gentleman who was dressed in a suit 464 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:45,160 and he was a former cop and had zero in common with him 465 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:47,040 talked about drinking against his will. 466 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:50,440 And that got me because that is what had been happening 467 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,160 to me every day of my life for the last four years. 468 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:56,320 I'm waking up every morning swearing, swearing, 469 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,440 I am not gonna drink today. 470 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,520 I am not gonna do this day. 471 00:18:58,520 --> 00:18:59,680 I'm gonna put it aside. 472 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,480 I'm gonna give my body a break for a few days, 473 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:03,480 something, anything, I'm not gonna do it. 474 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:04,900 And by whatever time that day 475 00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:06,120 that I couldn't take it anymore, 476 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:08,280 I forgot that Solomon if I made to myself, 477 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,560 I had opened up another bottle and taken another drink. 478 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,680 And I so related to what he was talking about 479 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:15,440 and the feelings he was talking about. 480 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,440 And there was a girl in this place, her name was Amanda. 481 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,120 And I've never seen her since. 482 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,520 I have no idea if she stayed sober. 483 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:22,520 I don't know what happened to her, 484 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,000 but she was my guardian angel. 485 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:28,080 She took up a big book and she said, a soft bound big book. 486 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,320 And she said, well, let's figure out your sobriety date. 487 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,140 When did you get here? 488 00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:33,320 And I was like, I got here on Monday or Sunday 489 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:34,240 or whatever the hell day it was. 490 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,020 And she said, so, well, 491 00:19:36,020 --> 00:19:37,240 when did you stop taking delivery? 492 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,360 And I said, today, she said, August 5th, it is. 493 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:40,600 So we wrote that in the book. 494 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,200 And she got me a 12 and 12 and we did the same thing. 495 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,520 It's really put my initials in there. 496 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,860 And she made me circle things in the book 497 00:19:46,860 --> 00:19:49,000 that stood out to me and pay attention to it. 498 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,920 And she said, you hold onto this like a talisman. 499 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:52,480 It is gonna be your good luck charm. 500 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,000 And I did, I carried that book around me 501 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,240 for 11 years or 10 years until I think I finally, 502 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,120 I left it behind someplace which really broke my heart. 503 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:04,820 But it kept me that holding onto that 504 00:20:04,820 --> 00:20:06,960 and believing that I needed to keep that date 505 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,400 really, really worked for me. 506 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,760 For some reason, I believed that like, 507 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,360 I couldn't give up that date no matter what. 508 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,800 Like August 5th was gonna be the most important day ever 509 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,040 for me and I just could not, 510 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:18,800 I could not have any other sobriety date. 511 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,000 So I came, the second thing she did for me 512 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,720 was she introduced me to a girlfriend of hers 513 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,400 who was visiting her. 514 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,660 And she made me give that girl my number 515 00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:28,880 and promised to meet her at a meeting the day I got it. 516 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,720 And I don't know why I said yes, but I did. 517 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,280 And I got out of there after like eight days 518 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,080 because it was all, my insurance ran out 519 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:37,720 and I didn't have any more money to stay there. 520 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,640 And I had been physically removed from alcohol now, 521 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,960 but I had no idea how to exist in the world of it. 522 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,160 I had no idea what to do. 523 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:48,100 And all the woman said to me that Amanda introduced me to 524 00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:51,040 was you drank every day, get your ass in a seat every day, 525 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,840 pardon my French, get your butt into a seat every day 526 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,560 and don't drink that, don't drink at night. 527 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:57,880 That's my best advice to you. 528 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:00,480 Just go and talk to somebody in the program. 529 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:02,780 So I left there, I met her at a meeting 530 00:21:02,780 --> 00:21:04,800 at the Marina Center, been there before. 531 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,160 It was a women's meeting. 532 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:07,680 They were very nice to me. 533 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,000 I don't remember anything that was said 534 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:09,960 or anything that happened, 535 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,720 but I promised I would come meet them again the next night. 536 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,280 So I came back again the next day and I met them again. 537 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,360 And then the next night, as I said, 538 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,640 I knew what Ohio Avenue meeting hall was. 539 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:20,480 I always knew it. 540 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:21,980 And I worked across the street from it. 541 00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:24,520 And I used to walk down the back stairs of my office 542 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:27,160 with my bottle or my solo cup in my hand 543 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,760 and either drink it and look at everybody 544 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,640 in the parking lot and think suckers and drink down 545 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:35,780 or think, you know, someday, someday, I'll be there someday. 546 00:21:35,780 --> 00:21:37,360 I just don't know when that's gonna be. 547 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:40,560 And I, you know, that Monday night, 548 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,760 I walked across the street, I went in the back 549 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,680 'cause I didn't know you had to go in the front. 550 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:46,740 So I never met the secretary. 551 00:21:46,740 --> 00:21:49,820 And this woman named Mary Ann King 552 00:21:49,820 --> 00:21:51,560 was sitting right up front there 553 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,600 and she held her hand out to me and said, 554 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,040 "Welcome honey, what's your name?" 555 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,120 And she sat me down and she got some of, 556 00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,320 she introduced me to a couple of the women 557 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:00,520 and they got a directory out 558 00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,120 and they started circling things in the directory 559 00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:02,980 and handing it to me. 560 00:22:02,980 --> 00:22:04,720 And she had me sitting so that I had a woman 561 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,760 on each side of me and they were holding on to me, 562 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:07,840 which is a really good thing 563 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:09,320 because when I found out there was a break, 564 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,480 I was gonna bolt for sure. 565 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:14,480 But these women held on to me so I couldn't go anywhere. 566 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,120 And I still have that first directory 567 00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:18,640 with those first few members in it. 568 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:22,200 And I tell you, I believe in talismans, I really do. 569 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:23,960 Good luck charms have helped keep me sober, 570 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,640 but you know, and good luck people in my life. 571 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,440 What happened after that was a series 572 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,200 of what I now understand are God shots, 573 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,200 but I thought they were just coincidences and happenstance. 574 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,440 I opened up that directory and I found a meeting, 575 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:36,440 I'm all about convenience, 576 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,200 and I found a meeting that was just up the block for me 577 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,880 and I went there and it was closed, it was dark. 578 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,540 I was like, "Well, I tried, that's it. 579 00:22:42,540 --> 00:22:45,240 "Okay, I did three days in AA, I'm going home now." 580 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,640 And a woman came out from behind one of the pillars 581 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:48,900 of this, it was a church. 582 00:22:48,900 --> 00:22:49,740 And she said, "Wait, wait, wait, 583 00:22:49,740 --> 00:22:51,000 "are you looking for the AA meeting?" 584 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,720 I said, "Yeah," I said, "But it doesn't seem to be here." 585 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:53,640 And she said, "No, I know, 586 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,020 "I'm talking to central office right now, 587 00:22:55,020 --> 00:22:57,080 "they're gonna find us another meeting, just hold on. 588 00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:57,920 "She's got to hold them out." 589 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:01,200 I'm like, "Okay," so she gets off the phone with them, 590 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,840 she's found this meeting, it's just a few blocks away. 591 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,540 She gives me the address, said, "Thanks so much, 592 00:23:05,540 --> 00:23:06,800 "I'll see you there," I start to walk off. 593 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,280 She goes, "Wait, wait, I just moved here from San Diego. 594 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,880 "I have no idea where I am, can I follow you there?" 595 00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:15,420 Okay, so I let her follow me there. 596 00:23:15,420 --> 00:23:18,420 And I end up at this little church on Butler Avenue 597 00:23:18,420 --> 00:23:20,000 called Cardio United Methodist. 598 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,820 And it turned out that they had a women's meeting 599 00:23:21,820 --> 00:23:23,720 every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday night 600 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:24,760 at the same church. 601 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,280 And I'm all about convenience and location, right? 602 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,720 And this is still just, it's still within a mile of my house. 603 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:32,680 So I walk in with her, the woman who's greeting 604 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:34,680 is the woman who would become my sponsor. 605 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,560 Her name is Debbie Casper, and she's a comedy writer, 606 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,520 and she's one of the funniest, most charming, 607 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,400 lovely women in the world, but she is hard. 608 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:45,040 In the beginning, especially, she had no time 609 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,120 for any excuses about anything. 610 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:49,680 She, it was, it was not just 90 and 90, 611 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,840 it was however many you can squeeze into a day, do it. 612 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,120 Said, "If you drank all day long, 613 00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:55,500 "you should be in meetings all day long, 614 00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:56,900 "whatever it takes, I don't care, 615 00:23:56,900 --> 00:23:58,720 "but you do whatever you need to do to stay sober 616 00:23:58,720 --> 00:23:59,640 "for the next 24 hours, 617 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,000 "and I'll talk to you tomorrow morning." 618 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,480 And that's how we started our relationship. 619 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,880 I met so many women in that meeting. 620 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,640 One woman, Millie Greenberg, who I feel like now 621 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,320 she's my guardian angel, I just miss her so. 622 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:13,620 But she told me to tell my mother, when I said, 623 00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:16,120 "My mother said that Jews aren't alcoholics." 624 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:17,460 And she said, "Oh, you have her, you give her my number. 625 00:24:17,460 --> 00:24:19,480 "Tell her to call me, I'll explain it to her." 626 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:23,380 And there was this little triumvirate 627 00:24:23,380 --> 00:24:25,600 of little old ladies in there. 628 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,920 Millie, a woman named Virginia, and one named Miriam, 629 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,480 who still comes to our Sunday morning meeting now. 630 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:35,040 And those three women just, they boobied me. 631 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:36,560 They were like grandmas, 632 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,800 and they gave me so much love and affection. 633 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,840 And I met so many women in that meeting 634 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:45,000 who just completely changed my view 635 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,000 of what Alcoholics Anonymous could be. 636 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,400 They were happy, and they were smart, 637 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,160 and they were some of them very successful, 638 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,180 some of them not so much. 639 00:24:52,180 --> 00:24:53,880 They were all different ages and walks of life, 640 00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:57,100 but they were so calm and peaceful, 641 00:24:57,100 --> 00:24:59,200 and their lives seemed easy. 642 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,280 Like they just knew how to do life. 643 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:02,720 And that was my biggest problem. 644 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,440 I had always felt like I had no idea how to do life. 645 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:07,160 Like nobody had given me the handbook. 646 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:10,320 And being treated like an adult as a very young child, 647 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:12,000 and being the child of an alcoholic 648 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,960 made me mature really quickly. 649 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:16,620 And I swear I hit my maturity peak at 12. 650 00:25:16,620 --> 00:25:19,180 Because at 12, I knew how to behave like a grownup. 651 00:25:19,180 --> 00:25:20,380 And by the time I was a grownup, 652 00:25:20,380 --> 00:25:22,680 I had no idea what adulthood was supposed to look like. 653 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:24,980 I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. 654 00:25:24,980 --> 00:25:26,240 I didn't know how to do anything 655 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:28,280 'cause I had arrested my development 656 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:29,840 from the second I started drinking. 657 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:33,640 I had, I stopped myself in my tracks. 658 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,880 Debbie got me into the steps right away. 659 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:38,800 Once we got to three, she took me out to the beach, 660 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:39,920 and there was gonna be, and she, 661 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:41,040 I told her from the start it was gonna be 662 00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,600 a long haul with me with spirituality, 663 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:45,400 because my dad, I had been raised by a man 664 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,640 who told me that God is for weak-minded people, I'll say. 665 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,000 He used a different word, starts with P. 666 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:55,240 But he was, he absolutely thought that anybody 667 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,960 who needs religion or God in their lives is weak, 668 00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:59,400 and you have to be able to do things for yourself. 669 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,760 And anybody who has a problem with alcohol, 670 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:02,640 they're the problem. 671 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,220 They have to, you have to have willpower. 672 00:26:04,220 --> 00:26:06,020 My father's biggest thing was willpower. 673 00:26:06,020 --> 00:26:08,200 That's what he drummed into me my whole life. 674 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,440 And I just thought I was a failure my whole life 675 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,200 'cause I didn't have the willpower 676 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,640 to stop myself from drinking when I didn't wanna drink. 677 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:15,820 I didn't have the willpower to say, 678 00:26:15,820 --> 00:26:18,080 I'm just gonna have three and just have three. 679 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:19,360 I am not capable of it. 680 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,600 The second I taste alcohol, I want more alcohol. 681 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,260 And until that click goes off in my head, 682 00:26:23,260 --> 00:26:24,580 I'm always looking for that click, 683 00:26:24,580 --> 00:26:26,620 that feeling of like, oh, there it is, 684 00:26:26,620 --> 00:26:28,960 that now it's taking over my brain. 685 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:30,480 And now the alcohol's in my brain, 686 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,840 and now I can just relax and be. 687 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:34,980 I haven't felt that click properly 688 00:26:34,980 --> 00:26:36,860 probably since I was 19 years old, 689 00:26:36,860 --> 00:26:39,380 but I had been searching for it for 27 years. 690 00:26:39,380 --> 00:26:42,720 And by the time I got here, this time I realized, 691 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,440 you all taught me that the click can come 692 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:46,920 from working these steps. 693 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,060 The click can come from taking advantage 694 00:26:49,060 --> 00:26:51,680 of the fellowship and the friendships that we find here 695 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:53,160 and supporting one another. 696 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:56,420 I found a group of women and we all got sober together. 697 00:26:56,420 --> 00:26:57,760 There were three of us to start, 698 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:01,900 and all of our birthdays are in the summer of 2011. 699 00:27:01,900 --> 00:27:05,080 And we went to the same women's meetings together. 700 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:07,200 We would call each other up every day. 701 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:10,320 Saturdays, we started a little meeting for ourselves 702 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:11,600 of a step study in the morning. 703 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:14,040 An old timer came and showed us how to start a meeting, 704 00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:14,880 how to run it. 705 00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:17,040 And we'd go into the room where our 11 o'clock meeting 706 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:19,480 was gonna be at nine o'clock and have a little step study. 707 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,120 And then we'd go to the 11 o'clock 708 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:22,760 and then we'd go to coffee with everybody. 709 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,920 And then we'd go to the AA store, to the recovery store, 710 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:27,720 and shop around in there for a while 711 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:29,240 because we didn't know what to do with ourselves 712 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:30,680 until it was time for another meeting. 713 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,320 The weekends were the absolute worst. 714 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,520 I had to keep like that all day long, 715 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,320 every day in the beginning of my sobriety 716 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:38,100 to keep myself from drinking. 717 00:27:38,100 --> 00:27:42,280 And one of us, she went out after 11 days 718 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,100 and watching her, the devastation on her, 719 00:27:45,100 --> 00:27:47,720 it scared me to death, scared me to death. 720 00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:48,560 I always like to tease her 721 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:50,600 'cause now I'm 11 days more sober than she is 722 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:52,260 and she has been a couple days ahead of me. 723 00:27:52,260 --> 00:27:55,560 But we, not 11 days, I'm six days more sober than her. 724 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,080 Anyway, but we did it. 725 00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:01,620 We still have lunch together a couple of times a year, 726 00:28:01,620 --> 00:28:04,160 the three of us, now it's four of us. 727 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:08,040 And we still celebrate our birthdays together every year. 728 00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:09,960 And we're best buds. 729 00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:11,140 And when we were trying to get in shape, 730 00:28:11,140 --> 00:28:14,200 we started doing walking and reporting our steps 731 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:16,680 to each other like we could do anything 732 00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:18,760 as long as there was more than one of us to do it 733 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:20,080 as far as I was concerned. 734 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,600 It's my favorite thing about this and it's a we program. 735 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:24,500 And I started to tell you that I had trouble 736 00:28:24,500 --> 00:28:27,800 with spirituality and my sponsor took me down to the ocean. 737 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:29,780 I'm sure it's not an original thought, 738 00:28:29,780 --> 00:28:32,500 but she showed me, she said like the waves, 739 00:28:32,500 --> 00:28:34,120 aren't they a power greater than yourself? 740 00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:35,800 Can't you see that something works 741 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,200 that's stronger than you? 742 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:41,680 And she said, the best analogy she gave me was, 743 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:44,440 she said, it's like when you get caught in an undertow, 744 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:48,000 if you fight and fight the waves, you're gonna drown. 745 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,400 You're gonna get turned upside down and pull down. 746 00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:53,000 But if you let go and just relax, 747 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:54,560 you'll often float to the surface. 748 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:56,640 And I could really see that, 749 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:58,980 like I could physically imagine myself letting go 750 00:28:58,980 --> 00:29:00,840 and letting God in that way. 751 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:04,680 And being able to say, I'm not in charge of this 752 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,240 and willpower has nothing to do with it. 753 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:10,080 And the strongest I can be is when I don't try 754 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:11,400 to control everything. 755 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:13,880 My strength comes from when I do let go. 756 00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:17,440 That was such a miracle to me because it was fighting. 757 00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:20,520 I had been fighting all my life trying to figure out 758 00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:21,340 how am I gonna do this? 759 00:29:21,340 --> 00:29:22,180 How am I gonna control this? 760 00:29:22,180 --> 00:29:25,680 And I can't, that's the whole point, we can't. 761 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:28,560 And we have to take responsibility for our actions. 762 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:30,560 And the only thing that we can change 763 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,880 is our perception and our responses. 764 00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:35,400 And that was a revelation to me 765 00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:38,280 and not trying to put the blame on my parents 766 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:41,200 or men or my child or anything else. 767 00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:43,960 And just seeing squarely where it lands at my feet 768 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:47,120 and that I have to be responsible for my own actions. 769 00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:48,400 It made such a difference. 770 00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:50,600 It makes such a difference in my life today 771 00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:52,600 to just follow these simple steps 772 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,080 and do what we're shown here. 773 00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:57,560 I have been so blessed in AA. 774 00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:01,560 I mean, Damon and I met in the rooms 775 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:04,200 of Alcoholics Anonymous, Boy Meets Girl on AA Campus. 776 00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:06,280 And it's been really, really wonderful. 777 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:08,480 And it's been such a great journey to have a partner 778 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:09,960 who's also sober. 779 00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:12,360 But even if all we had gotten, 780 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,520 either one of us was just our sobriety, 781 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:16,160 and that would have been enough. 782 00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:18,680 It's like, it's silly, it's Passover. 783 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:19,520 So I want to say it's Diane, 784 00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:21,920 but nobody knows what the heck I'm talking about. 785 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:26,680 You know, it's like if I had just gotten sober, 786 00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:27,520 it would have been enough. 787 00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:32,520 If I had just learned to let go of all that self-hatred, 788 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:34,520 it would have been more than enough. 789 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:38,200 Being able to help other people is a miracle. 790 00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:42,360 The spirituality is in the service, for sure. 791 00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:43,520 When I first got sober, 792 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:45,680 I got dragged to a few H&I meetings. 793 00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:48,720 And my sponsor made me say yes to everything. 794 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:50,520 They said, "We don't say no to AA requests." 795 00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:52,160 So I said yes to everything. 796 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,200 And a friend needed her panel taken over 797 00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:55,760 at a recovery house downtown. 798 00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:57,480 And I did that for six months, 799 00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,800 starting at six months sober on. 800 00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:04,320 And, you know, I've always been involved in H&I 801 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:05,480 in some way or another. 802 00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:08,160 These last couple of years, I have not done my program, 803 00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:09,000 the way I used to. 804 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:09,920 And I have to be honest, 805 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:11,800 I can feel the difference in my gut. 806 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:14,920 And I know it's time to make a new commitment to my program 807 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:18,040 and to put actions behind my words. 808 00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:19,520 Because just speaking for a podium 809 00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:21,720 is not enough in service to my sobriety. 810 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:24,000 I need to be of service, truly. 811 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,640 Otherwise, if I don't give it away, I cannot keep it. 812 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:30,800 And I do have a couple of sponsors who are, 813 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:32,920 one is very, very self-reliant 814 00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:36,760 and the other only calls me when everything's on fire. 815 00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:41,040 That's okay, I recognize that behavior in myself too. 816 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:42,280 And my sponsor would tell you 817 00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:45,120 that I don't use the phone enough either. 818 00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:48,080 But I have the benefit of she lives in my building. 819 00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:51,080 So she gets stuck seeing me even if it's in the elevator. 820 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:56,040 And, you know, the best thing I can say about sobriety 821 00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:58,680 is that, or about my life in AA now, 822 00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:01,040 is that it's so peaceful. 823 00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:04,240 I lay my head down and I go to sleep for the most part. 824 00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:06,360 I had insomnia at the age of four. 825 00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:08,920 I used to stay up all night at nine. 826 00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:11,480 No kidding, replaying over and over in my head 827 00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:13,920 something I had done or said in kindergarten 828 00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:15,120 when I was five. 829 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:17,080 I mean, my brain could find something to focus on 830 00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:19,400 and just not shut up till the sun came up. 831 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:22,160 And that I go home at night and lay my head down 832 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:24,600 and go to sleep is a miracle. 833 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:25,920 That I wake up in the morning 834 00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,440 and the first thought in my head is not alcohol 835 00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:30,520 is an absolute miracle. 836 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:35,040 I am well aware of how easily I could lose all of this. 837 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:38,360 All I need to do is have one moment of the efforts 838 00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:39,360 or I got this. 839 00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:41,040 There are no three more dangerous words 840 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:43,080 in the English language for an alcoholic of my type 841 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:43,920 than I got this. 842 00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:45,960 Whenever I think I know what's going on 843 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:47,160 and I've got everything under control 844 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:49,400 is when everything breaks apart inside in front of me 845 00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:50,640 in two seconds flat. 846 00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:52,360 And I have too much now to be willing 847 00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:53,520 to give any of it away. 848 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:57,080 I'm so grateful for AA and for the life I've found here. 849 00:32:57,080 --> 00:32:59,440 And I hope I've said anything that's been useful to you. 850 00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:01,960 If not, you'll get a great speaker next week, I'm sure. 851 00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:02,960 But thank you guys.