1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,560 My name is Yuko Manakapale, Ben thank you for your invitation, I hope you feel better 2 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:16,440 and thank you so much for being so nice to me, you guys are so friendly and kind and 3 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:23,560 I drove from Redondo Beach so I was like it's raining, you know, oh my gosh I would rather 4 00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:28,680 stay home and I go I have to drive to the valley but then like I mean this is it's funny 5 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:34,900 I'm still okay my sobriety date is November 20th 1996 so I have 27 years you know but 6 00:00:34,900 --> 00:00:43,060 still I'm still an alcoholic, but as soon as I just walked in this I love this room 7 00:00:43,060 --> 00:00:48,620 it's so I mean it's just I feel at home you know so thank you so much for welcoming me 8 00:00:48,620 --> 00:00:56,160 and being so kind to me thank you so much and I'm sorry I didn't get it anyone who's 9 00:00:56,160 --> 00:01:01,960 new no anyone who's in your first year sure yeah okay well welcome welcome to Alcoholics 10 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:10,480 Anonymous and so Ben thanks again for the honor and privilege oh so Mariana oh my gosh 11 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:17,540 you are amazing I mean she told my story I'm not exaggerating she told my story so you 12 00:01:17,540 --> 00:01:24,760 really don't need to hear me seriously I was like oh my gosh me too me too me too so but 13 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:35,600 I guess I will share since I drove all the way no so anyway okay so I I mean can you 14 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:43,120 tell that I'm Japanese my name is Yuko so and I surprisingly I made another Japanese 15 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:51,440 selfie right nice to meet you and when I got sober I thought I was the only Japanese alcoholic 16 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:58,040 like in this entire world I didn't see any Japanese people in AA so like okay I guess 17 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:04,240 I'm not an alcoholic you know but now like it's Tadashi there's Tomo and actually thanks 18 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:11,880 to the pandemics I got connected to Japan four years ago and I sponsor a bunch of people 19 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:20,880 in Japan and Sophie I'm gonna invite you I run a couple of two weekly Japanese bilingual 20 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:28,080 meeting so on zoom and last summer I went to Japan and we started a new group and we 21 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:32,800 had a conference and I'm going there next month for the second conference and with my 22 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:38,720 sponsor and my grand sponsor they decided to help me and they're gonna speak for Japan 23 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:46,120 and it's it's been just it's so exciting it's just amazing you know so um okay so I I'm 24 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:50,400 sure I I thought I would run out of time to talk about that so I just wanted to mention 25 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:56,960 that thanks to AA and this AA community and the connection it's just phenomenal you know 26 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:02,280 you don't get this anywhere else so I'm so grateful and thanks again for your incredible 27 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:08,880 share it was very touched and so okay so I was born and raised in Japan so um Japan was 28 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:16,440 my problem um yes actually I was I was my problem but I was I won't get into um oh and 29 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:22,600 Kristin Kristin good to see you Kristin's my grand sponsor and she's heard me so many 30 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:28,440 times but she's like Yuko I'm gonna log on my head is busy so like really okay so but 31 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:34,720 she heard uh Mariana so that was wonderful oh so I adore her she helps me with uh the 32 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:39,960 Japanese meetings it's just so much work to run by bilingual meetings Kristin knows that 33 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:47,080 um so anyway so I was uh my childhood was very uneventful I was just so miserable very 34 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:52,360 very painfully shy I'm the fourth of five children two brothers and two sisters I was 35 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:57,240 embarrassed to have so many siblings because none of my friends have that many siblings 36 00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:03,200 I knew I was different the problem of being Japanese actually problem of living in Japan 37 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:09,520 is that 99% of people around your Japanese and I didn't fit in that was my problem you 38 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:15,840 know I was like an anti uh Japanese Japanese living in Japan you know born and raised and 39 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:22,340 I I just was just very weird and I knew I was different and people thought mentioned 40 00:04:22,340 --> 00:04:28,520 I was different um I couldn't sit still I was daydreaming um and my brother I have two 41 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:35,480 brothers but younger older brother is six years older than me and he was an overachiever 42 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:43,000 he was just a you know student president he was a straight-A student and he was a pitcher 43 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:50,480 on his high school baseball team baseball is huge in Japan and he was so popular with 44 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:55,420 girls and all that and he used to tell me Yuko you're an embarrassment you know I wish 45 00:04:55,420 --> 00:05:01,360 you were not my sister and that you are just stupid you know ugly and you will be single 46 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:07,160 for the rest of your life because nobody will want you and I was probably seven or eight 47 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:13,720 when he told me that and yeah but good news is that he and I I mean I'm not single no 48 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:20,100 but anyway so yeah you know I have kids you know so and but he and I my brother and I 49 00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:25,800 he is the sweetest brother sweetest and it's all because of the steps there's no doubt 50 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:32,820 and he actually lives in Palos Verdes and we um I actually turned 60 a couple weeks 51 00:05:32,820 --> 00:05:39,640 ago and he um he's a gourmet cook and he just uh took so much for me and threw a party for 52 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:46,800 me and he's just the sweetest sweetest brother so um but back to my miserable childhood so 53 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:51,920 I believed him as mean as he was to me and he used to beat me up and stuff but as mean 54 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:57,200 as he was I worshipped him because he was a great you know great you know he was good 55 00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:03,800 at everything so I thought okay he's right I'm ugly stupid no good I will be single for 56 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:10,760 the rest of my life because I'm I'm no good you know nobody will want me so and so I was 57 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:20,000 very quiet sensitive but really weird I couldn't be like those girly Japanese girls so I dressed 58 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:26,560 like a boy and I had a you know really short spiky hair and I dressed like a boy acted 59 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:33,440 like a boy yet I was very awkward with boys I did not know how to carry on like one-on-one 60 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:39,000 conversation at all but people would laugh at me because I was acting funny really like 61 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:46,080 a clown in my class and I guess looking back and that's how I used to cope with the world 62 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:54,960 and my weirdness whatever it was and so and then fast forward I yeah I took my first drink 63 00:06:54,960 --> 00:07:01,240 I think probably a couple days I'm not sure a couple days before I my 18th birthday so 64 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:06,680 I was graduating from school I didn't start drinking much younger or anything at all but 65 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:11,580 I was graduating from high school in Japan high school kids are quite sheltered so we 66 00:07:11,580 --> 00:07:19,200 go wild when we go into college so I was no exception so now we're graduating so they 67 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:26,680 started having parties and then but that this minor party I went like a daytime party and 68 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:34,720 then somebody brought a bottle bottle of Suntory whiskey have you heard Suntory right good 69 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:42,600 stuff and so but you know we were all so innocent so like hey let's try alcohol and then like 70 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:48,080 people have a sip and then like just pass it on to the next person and like oh my gosh 71 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:53,720 you know and then it came to me and then I started drinking it and I loved it instantly 72 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:58,200 and I held on to the bottle and the bottle didn't move from here and then I don't remember 73 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:04,680 but I drunk so much and I got completely wasted I was the only one that was wasted at the 74 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:11,120 party and I became really crazy and I actually grabbed somebody's guitar started playing 75 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,620 the guitar and singing out loud I knew how to play the guitar though but I have never 76 00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:20,200 performed in front of anyone because I was shy you know so I that felt really good and 77 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:25,440 then another thing I did was I started telling everyone in front of me their character defects 78 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:34,280 for the first time in my life that just felt so good right and then another thing the last 79 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:38,600 thing the most embarrassing thing I did was that I'd had a huge crush on this boy in my 80 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:43,320 entire high school years and he was there he was moving to Tokyo we're in Nagoya so 81 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:49,080 he was moving he was leaving me so I just got on him like literally on top of him and 82 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,920 they're like please don't leave me I love you you know and then he's like who's this 83 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:58,840 girl that was my very first drinking episode and I absolutely fell in love with alcohol 84 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:03,800 absolutely fell in love with alcohol my world completely completely changed and I didn't 85 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:07,440 care I didn't feel like I became pretty or anything at all but I just didn't care and 86 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:16,840 then I went on to college and that's when I like you I just partied hard I drank hard 87 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:21,860 and I became a drummer in a rock band and so all I all I did was I didn't go to right 88 00:09:21,860 --> 00:09:27,240 yeah I still play the drums by the way I'm 60 years old and you know 27 years sober and 89 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:32,000 I'm still drummer in a rock band and I love it so that's one of the best gifts of sobriety 90 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:40,480 so so anyway so I have arrived you guys alcohol was so good to me it worked so beautifully 91 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:46,640 and I was so comfortable with whatever and people thought I was funny fun to be with 92 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:53,880 people wanted to be with me I was a center of the party and yeah life was great you know 93 00:09:53,880 --> 00:10:01,040 that life was so good I had so much fun so much fun and also you know I told you I was 94 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:05,560 shy with boys but now you know they seem to like me because I let them sleep with me you 95 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:13,400 know so but I don't do that today if you're new okay you know I'm happily married and 96 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:20,720 faithful to the same person for 20 something years you know so you can brag about being 97 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:30,600 faithful to your spouse only in AA right so I know so so but I I just slept around you 98 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:36,400 know I used men big time I had no respect for them I just really just used them you 99 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:42,320 know and of course after I got sober I made amends lots of amends but um but I alcohol 100 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:49,240 was still working but I looking back I burned many many bridges many bridges and uh uh thanks 101 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:56,120 to the uh steps I was able to make several amends not all but uh because it you know 102 00:10:56,120 --> 00:11:02,400 I I couldn't it was not um possible but I did my best and so that's why I'm free today 103 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:08,760 you know and so um and then fast forward I have fast forward um I graduated from college 104 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:13,760 not in a proper way and I started working uh for the this musical instrument company 105 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:20,200 in Nagoya I um because you know I play music and then um I was a workaholic too I drank 106 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:26,840 really really hard I kept partying really hard I was in a band and um I worked hard 107 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:32,520 also alcohol again was really alcohol gave me so much power and confidence so I loved 108 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:38,640 work I was workaholic and alcoholic and then one day this guy was sleeping with uh he and 109 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:43,000 I were in the same band and he said hey I need to talk to you and I I don't like when 110 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:48,440 people say I need to talk to you right yeah okay so and then like okay what is it you 111 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:53,080 know and then he said I'm moving to America so like oh shoot I have to find a new boyfriend 112 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,720 but thank god I didn't say anything and the next thing he said was hey let's get married 113 00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:03,400 and move to America so like that sounds awesome well um that's what I did and we got married 114 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:10,000 I had a really wild alcoholic wedding but I have to tell you he wasn't one of us I mean 115 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:15,280 I don't think he was because something tragic happened uh we had a wild alcoholic wedding 116 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:22,680 I was all over some guy who was not my husband at my wedding I got busted and but then like 117 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:27,320 he you know my husband I'm sure he knew about it but he didn't say anything you know next 118 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:31,200 morning I woke up with the worst hangover but he didn't give me a tough time like okay 119 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:37,800 good you know so um because I was like you know I you do whatever I want you to do and 120 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:41,520 I do whatever I want to do and if you don't like it you're out of my life you know that 121 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:45,760 was my attitude it's just so funny because when I was well before I started drinking 122 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:52,280 I felt so so bad about myself so worthless and alcohol gave me so much power and I went 123 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:57,400 to the other extreme like so arrogant you know and I just had no respect for anyone 124 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:03,320 you know no compassion no respect it was all about me really truly self-centered and um 125 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:10,920 so anyway and then um so we got married right so okay good he's not gonna put any restrictions 126 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:16,320 on me I that's what I thought and I was so excited to come to the state to meet you guys 127 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:22,400 and party with you and but the reality hit me that the very first day we started our 128 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:30,320 new life this guy I hardly knew this husband of mine uh told me to stop drinking and right 129 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:38,000 it was tragic for me like you understand right so like what what I was like who are you to 130 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:44,240 who are you to tell me to stop drinking like I was like okay this is over right the first 131 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:50,440 day but I couldn't leave him right away because you know I'm in another country I don't speak 132 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:55,720 English I don't know a soul it's like okay I have to use him until I get settled so that's 133 00:13:55,720 --> 00:14:02,100 exactly what I got it but I did so um so I uh ended up staying with him for four years 134 00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:06,960 long long four years it was miserable I was miserable but so I used to drink behind his 135 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:14,120 back um and uh I was lonely very lonely but again alcohol was my best friend and then 136 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:21,600 uh gradually I'm like I started going to school Glendale College I was in Burbank and uh I 137 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:29,160 took some ESL class and then I met someone of course right I met someone and he was he 138 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:34,400 used to live in Japan he was bilingual so we hit it off and then like I started you 139 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:39,440 know he started taking me to bars and stuff and then like also we used to drink on campus 140 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:44,040 too and then like okay I got him I don't need my husband so I got rid of my husband I mean 141 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:48,080 I shouldn't say got rid of but yeah I left my husband uh when he was on a business trip 142 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:55,480 I I left him and I moved in with some guy not this guy I hooked up with but another 143 00:14:55,480 --> 00:15:00,340 guy who was a drug addict but he physically couldn't drink alcohol but he would buy me 144 00:15:00,340 --> 00:15:07,840 a side he's super dry so I thought wow how nice so I moved in with him right so and I 145 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:12,600 got myself a little job I know I just have to talk about sobriety so I will speed up 146 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:18,100 so I got myself a little job at a little Japanese school in Pals-Fertis I thought okay I can 147 00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:25,240 start my new life in West LA so that's where I moved to and then I I was driving to Pals-Fertis 148 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:30,640 that there's a little Japanese school there so um you know I'm a responsible Japanese 149 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:35,460 person I want you know self-supporting and all that and that's how my parents raised 150 00:15:35,460 --> 00:15:43,520 to me so um so I uh did that uh I started uh working and uh but I started partying again 151 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:48,940 because I I got rid of this guy who was trying to control my drinking so like yes you know 152 00:15:48,940 --> 00:15:53,020 this is what I've been waiting for so I started going to lots of bars and started drinking 153 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:59,720 uh I mean I was drinking anyway but um you know partying really hard and um I was hanging 154 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:05,660 out I was already 31 but thanks to I'm sure Sophie probably relates you know thanks to 155 00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:11,840 this Asian genes I looked much younger than my age so I was 31 but I probably looked like 156 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:17,560 in my early 20s and so I was hanging out with like the boys who are more than 10 years younger 157 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:22,240 than me and just partying really really hard going to nightclubs and stuff and I thought 158 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:27,400 this is it this is this is it this is my happiness but something weird started happening because 159 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:32,820 I was really confused I got really confused because I was miserable even though I got 160 00:16:32,820 --> 00:16:37,880 rid of my husband and now partying and for some reason I was not happy and I was confused 161 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:42,880 and so basically alcohol stopped working for me and I just did not know that and then I 162 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:48,760 kept chasing the effect produced by alcohol and of course it just stopped working so no 163 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:53,600 matter how much I drank it didn't work and I was so miserable I got into major depression 164 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:58,520 fast forward I started seeing a psychiatrist because I thought I was going out of my mind 165 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:03,440 really like because there's no reason you know I'm I'm I'm fine you know he's gone and 166 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:07,760 I'm partying and there's nothing wrong with my life I mean I didn't have much money and 167 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:13,080 stuff but that's okay as long as I have my juice you know like um and men and I started 168 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:19,560 using men again just sleeping with a bunch of people no respect and I used people and 169 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:24,960 um this is of course in retrospect but at the time I was the ultimate victim and I was 170 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:30,480 like that's it's their fault it's their fault and then I got really into major depression 171 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:35,960 and I tried to get out of them depression like you know started reading like uh books 172 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:42,120 about depression and just did some writing because my doctor told me to do so and um 173 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:49,740 you know I was in a therapy session and um her name was Amy she was kind you guys um 174 00:17:49,740 --> 00:17:56,240 I'm not against therapy at all I think therapy helps us therapy helps a lot of people but 175 00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:03,200 what I was doing was that so I go see Amy and I open the door and just you know oh I 176 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:11,680 sit and Amy comes in and for 50 minute session for 50 minutes I felt okay I felt okay somebody 177 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:18,180 is paying attention to me somebody's listening to me she's giving me undivided attention 178 00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:24,080 and she's saying Yuuko I'm so sorry wow Yuuko that's courageous Yuuko oh my gosh you've 179 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:29,840 been through a lot you know and I was just dumping everything on her for 50 minutes paying 180 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:35,480 a lot of money right I didn't have money but I did it because I needed her and so 50 minutes 181 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:41,080 and the 50 minute session is okay you call see you next Wednesday and I close the door 182 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:47,080 and I would start walking to the parking lot and guess how I felt I felt worse than before 183 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:52,680 I saw her you know it was just a temporary solution I try to try to find out what was 184 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:58,260 wrong with me and try to find the cause of my misery so that I could fix myself that's 185 00:18:58,260 --> 00:19:03,680 what I was chasing you know but after coming to AA I was taught it's the opposite you know 186 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:10,120 the other way around you know and in fact my first real sponsor um Lindsay told me to 187 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:15,200 stop trying to this is when I was new stop thinking about I mean stop trying to figure 188 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:19,680 out what's wrong with you what's wrong with you is you're just an alcoholic you know that's 189 00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:24,500 what she used to tell me and I was like that's B you know it's not that pimple but it was 190 00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:29,440 really you know she was really right um so anyway okay just has to pass forward so what 191 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:34,920 happened to me like I started drinking like non-stop I could not stop drinking and I actually 192 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:40,000 was still teaching but I couldn't show up anymore I mean I started missing work and 193 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:45,120 then my boss at that time her name was Peggy she was my alan on she would pull me aside 194 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:50,400 and you go you have to watch yourself they're gonna let you go and I was like what the hell 195 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:55,880 what the heck is she talking about I am overqualified for this job they're lucky to help me you 196 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,800 know that was my attitude you know and I didn't listen to her and then Peggy was like you 197 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:04,400 go you know Ginny Ginny was a substitute teacher at that little school and Ginny was Peggy's 198 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:09,520 best friend so like you know Ginny like well yeah I met her and you know Ginny is in so 199 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:14,240 if you ever want to go to an AA meeting she will be happy to take you there and I was 200 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:19,160 like what so I had never heard alcoholics anonymous but it's called alcoholics anonymous 201 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:23,060 so it's for alcoholics right and just like you I thought that they would teach me how 202 00:20:23,060 --> 00:20:28,760 to drink moderately so uh but either way I was highly offended like are you implying 203 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:33,160 that I'm an alcoholic I cannot be an alcoholic because I'm Japanese you know that was my 204 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:37,640 thing you know and I didn't listen to her advice for the longest time so what happened 205 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:43,480 to me was like I kept digging my hole just deeper and deeper and on my 32nd birthday 206 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:47,940 my sister-in-law other people my psychiatrist other people just started telling me you should 207 00:20:47,940 --> 00:20:53,040 go to AA and I was highly offended and I thought I could do this on my own and I tried to drink 208 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:57,480 less on my own of course it didn't work as I'm an alcoholic and so on my 32nd birthday 209 00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:03,160 probably I hadn't drunk for a week or whatever so I was alone you know all the guys I used 210 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:08,640 they got sick of me and they left me and people who tried to help me I pushed him out of my 211 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:13,880 life because I didn't want them to tell me anything about my drinking so I was the loneliest 212 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:20,340 creature I lost my job and I became homeless by the way but homeless you know I was sleeping 213 00:21:20,340 --> 00:21:27,320 on my friend's couches and stuff but then I finally found a little tiny apartment studio 214 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:32,880 apartment that's all I could afford to and I was just in self-pity I was just resenting 215 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:39,760 my husband and my parents and my work became smaller and smaller and smaller you know and 216 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:45,760 so my 32nd birthday I mean I became really suicidal major depression and I was like I 217 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:52,360 was I hadn't drunk for a few days but okay today's my birthday I deserve two beers like 218 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:57,600 two beers and of course I tried to kill myself that night and I got hospitalized and that 219 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:06,400 was really my bottom you know and so and then when I was ready to I was actually handcuffed 220 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:12,160 and just sent to the hospital by the police but when I was ready to get out of there they 221 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:18,360 said call someone so I called Peggy my alan and she came right away with Ginny who was 222 00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:25,000 in AA and Peggy gave me that look as you know you you know that you guys all know that look 223 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:29,000 and she asked me a hundred questions which I couldn't answer at all and I was like please 224 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:35,320 stop you know and I just was really just mortified that I was still alive I just wanted to end 225 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:41,700 my life and but Ginny I hardly knew she was there and she hugged me and she said Yuko 226 00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:47,160 it's okay it's gonna be okay and I cried in her arms because I knew that somehow I knew 227 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:53,960 that she knew how I felt and she 12-step me that morning and so that's how I ended up 228 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:59,120 knowing that I'm not an alcoholic because I'm Japanese I decided to try AA just took 229 00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:04,480 my life together so and I have only 10 minutes I have to fast forward so I couldn't say it's 230 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:09,440 over right away I kept drinking because I didn't raise my hand as a newcomer and so 231 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:14,600 that was really my first step you know and I didn't talk to anyone people I hear people 232 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:20,400 talk about my sponsor said this and that sponsor what's the sponsor but I couldn't ask anyone 233 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:26,720 like what's the sponsor I could not ask anyone any questions about AA and I kept showing 234 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:32,600 up and just not talking to anyone right after this hideous key coming back you know like 235 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:38,760 I would take off and and it was horrible you know I couldn't stay sober and finally one 236 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:43,560 sweet lady offered to sponsor me like and then okay what's the sponsor you know and 237 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:49,980 she explained to me I dumped all my problems on her and poor Patricia she was so kind so 238 00:23:49,980 --> 00:23:54,240 kind she really saved my life because she kind of gave up on me she's like Yuko I don't 239 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:58,880 know what to do with you you can't stay sober and she you know it's funny she sentenced 240 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:03,120 me to the Pacific group it's not really that way you know that's how I felt you know like 241 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:07,480 oh maybe you can try this group like what's this like what's the Pacific group oh you'll 242 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:15,640 find out so okay so that's my home group today you guys in West LA so so I went to the Pacific 243 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:20,520 group I didn't raise my hand when I first went there first in our key group and but 244 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:26,000 I heard some great speaker that night for the first time in my life I just related because 245 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:32,640 I was ready I was desperate you know and so so after that night I stayed sober but I didn't 246 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:38,200 go to any meetings so I got drunk again one more time I lost my job and then I decided 247 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:43,060 to go back that following Thursday I went to the key group again and that's when I my 248 00:24:43,060 --> 00:24:51,600 journey started I raised my hand as a newcomer and one guy named Roy Mia you know he sound 249 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:56,560 his name sounds like Japanese but you know I'm like you're not Japanese you don't even 250 00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:02,100 speak Japanese so I'm like they're not real Japanese you know like nobody understands 251 00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:06,800 me you know it's just it's always my excuse you know but the truth of the matter is that 252 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:11,600 I told you like when I grew up in Japan I didn't fit in there Japan was not nice to 253 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:16,240 me and now I'm here and then my excuse is you don't get me because I'm Japanese you 254 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:21,720 know my problem is my alcoholism you know and I had a really bad attitude but in spite 255 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:29,560 of my bad attitude the people in my home group were incredibly kind to me the more miserable 256 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:35,200 I was the kinder you know you guys were and the first I don't know several months like 257 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:41,720 my head was so loud and I got this really really tough sponsor called Lindsay Jackson 258 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:47,840 because my first friend in AA I did not want to have anything to do with you guys but she 259 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:52,520 volunteered to be my friend so like okay you know and then she's like get Lindsay like 260 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:57,440 okay you know so I got Lindsay and she really changed my life she completely changed my 261 00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:04,380 life and so I went to seven meetings a week and seven commitments did all kinds of activities 262 00:26:04,380 --> 00:26:10,160 and by then I got another job actually I was working probably two or three jobs and going 263 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:20,360 to meetings every day and I was driving every you know all over LA and exhausted so by the 264 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:25,200 time I got to the meeting I was and then the meeting time and I would start just dosing 265 00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:31,120 up you know so or my head was really loud so I was having a conversation in my head 266 00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:36,800 you know throughout the main speaker you know I just really couldn't hear the message but 267 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:42,000 again the fellowship of AA really carried me through after the meeting people are like 268 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:46,440 hey you guys you want to go to coffee like coffee it's 9 30 p.m why do you want to go 269 00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:52,440 to coffee but my answer is that okay you know and then I would you know be bitching and 270 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:59,280 moaning and AA people just really listened to me you know and so but Lindsay got me through 271 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:06,880 the steps and I was able to make amends to my family and I wasn't talking to my dad I 272 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:14,000 really I mean I was a big time daddy's girl when I was young but he failed me he failed 273 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:19,840 me and I was never ever ever gonna forgive him for the rest of my life and I got sober 274 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:23,620 Lindsay said no that's okay even before I started making amends and she said to start 275 00:27:23,620 --> 00:27:28,240 calling him once a week you know and I started doing that initially it was awkward but you 276 00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:33,080 know and then I made amends and I kept making living amends and then like he and I just 277 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:39,200 got became so tight so tight you know and he got her daughter back and we were just 278 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:44,920 best buddies and he passed away 10 years ago but I gave him like 17 18 years you know really 279 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:51,440 a good time and that's again one of the best gifts of sobriety and my mom also she passed 280 00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:58,760 away five years ago but you know I and I mentioned about my brother and my sisters and I just 281 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:04,880 I'm really one of those luckiest people that I was able to make really incredible repair 282 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:12,880 you know not that not I did not that I did it the steps did it you know so and so it's 283 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:17,840 just incredible so just yeah I will keep your dad in my prayers but you know towards the 284 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:24,600 end of their lives I was in you know back and forth between Japan and LA and also to 285 00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:34,000 not so 2020 my best friend my sister she passed away of cancer and she was in Chicago so I 286 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:40,120 just took many many trips my husband was so understanding too so okay five minutes thank 287 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:48,960 you so I just went on many many trips to just you know make living amends and I never regretted 288 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:56,040 you know and so but she passed away 2020 so I just skipped it real quick but so my first 289 00:28:56,040 --> 00:29:00,640 year I wasn't allowed to date and I mean I could have never done it without Lindsay's 290 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:06,600 direction because I was a slut really you know but I did it and then after I turned 291 00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:15,360 the year I I started dating Keith my now husband and then we got into kind of a serious relationship 292 00:29:15,360 --> 00:29:20,840 and then I got scared so I was gonna dump him before he was gonna dump me you know and 293 00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:25,040 then I told Lindsay like I think you know and then he started telling me I love you 294 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:33,000 Yuko and I was like no say that you know because okay I'm Japanese we don't say I love you 295 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:39,000 we don't we just don't so like he would say I love you you go and like no and like well 296 00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:45,040 thank you you know I was like I think we don't say that you know so and then like I talked 297 00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:49,400 to Lindsay like she started telling me I love you what do I do like oh you don't love him 298 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:54,240 like are you kidding me I'm crazy about him he's the best thing that's ever happened and 299 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:58,760 she said well then you have to say I love you back like he deserves to know you know 300 00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:03,960 so I started doing like I started doing it and today you know we've been together for 301 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:10,560 I don't know how since 1998 so long time and we have the best relationship but best marriage 302 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:15,280 and of course we have lots of ups and downs and we got two kids beautiful beautiful kids 303 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:21,400 we raised those two kids by the principles of this program I went to graduate school 304 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:27,720 I got master's degree and I became a teacher at a couple different colleges and I just 305 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:33,200 fell in love with teaching I just my life is good and so my kids were just incredible 306 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:42,240 you know just and life was good and but so they are 22 and 19 my kids but so my especially 307 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:49,820 my older one was a golden child okay golden really so kind by nature so honest by nature 308 00:30:49,820 --> 00:30:55,120 and my younger one was a pistol and she was wild so Keith and I were worried about my 309 00:30:55,120 --> 00:31:03,320 younger one but when Kiko my golden child was 15 16 something's shifted and she turned 310 00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:08,640 into a one of us you know and that was the toughest time he and I have gone through many 311 00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:14,320 many things sobriety in our marriage but that was by far the toughest thing Kiko hitting 312 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:18,960 the bottom we had to kick her out of our house and she became homeless and we did not know 313 00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:25,400 where she was and that's when that was 2020 and I got connected to Japan and God was so 314 00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:30,120 good to me because I had to take care of my alcoholism and I couldn't help her because 315 00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:35,240 she was my daughter she has her own higher power so and my sister died at the same time 316 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:43,000 and it was a tough time but I just a in Japan is tiny because of a culture so I got to I 317 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:53,280 still you know I mean getting to be of service to them and so and then Kiko was finally she 318 00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:58,680 at bottom and then she went agreed to go to rehab and when she was in rehab she heard 319 00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:05,140 someone in the Pacific group and then she she got hers as her sponsor and she has three 320 00:32:05,140 --> 00:32:10,040 and a half years sober today yeah thank you and she's in the middle of the Pacific group 321 00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:15,240 and my identity became Kiko's mom you know and I don't mind and she's going to Japan 322 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:20,240 with me next month and then she's going to be one of the young people speaker you know 323 00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:27,700 and so I'm just so my life is so so good today you guys and one minute okay so I'm gonna 324 00:32:27,700 --> 00:32:33,800 just wrap it up but you know I'm I'm an alcoholic before I'm Japanese I'm an alcoholic before 325 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:40,320 I'm daughter or my wife I'm a mother I'm just an alcoholic period you know and the rest 326 00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:46,240 of the things all the things you know I didn't even expect to be those are all bonus for 327 00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:55,200 me and because I'm an alcoholic nothing can come between AA and God it's so that I said 328 00:32:55,200 --> 00:33:02,260 nothing can come between me me and alcohol except for God and AA so thank you so much 329 00:33:02,260 --> 00:33:03,780 much for my life. Thank you.