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 Good evening, everybody. My name is Todd and I'm an alcoholic.

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 Thank you very much Ben for asking me to come tonight.

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 I love this group. This group has been...you guys are so good to each other.

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 Like you really are there for each other. You're a great example of what Alcoholics Anonymous

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 does as a group and what Alcoholics Anonymous...what groups can do

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 within the larger AA frame and I just

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 appreciate you so much. When I was...well, I'll tell that story later.

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 My sobriety date is October 7, 2011

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 and so that gives me 12 and a half

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 years, a little more. And actually more important than that

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 yesterday was 655 Friday nights that I've

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 been sober. And I count my Friday nights because I got sober on a Friday

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 and it's kind of difficult if you're going to get sober to

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 face the weekend without drinking and using, at least for

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 me. And for me to be able to say that my sobriety

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 date is October 7, 2011 is crazy because I'm the

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 guy who I absolutely did not want to get sober. I came

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 kicking and screaming. There was no reason why I needed to

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 be sober. It was everything and everybody else and all the circumstances and the terrible

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 the things that had happened

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 to me. And I was a victim and you know

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 I would just leave me alone. In fact, if you would come over and bring me drugs and

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 alcohol it would probably work out better for all of us. You know, I'm the

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 guy that since I'm about 12 and a half I start smoking marijuana

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 12 and a half and I'm smoking every 15 minutes from that

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 point on. I mean, literally. I roll 12 joints in the morning and put them in the

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 back of my pocket and that's how I go to school. That's how I went to work. You know, I smoke when

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 I drive. I smoke when...you know, I am...and then I'm a big time smoker.

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 I also smoked a pack and a half of Marlboro Red Box from maybe age

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 14. I would drink whatever was available when I was a kid

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 you know, because not much was available except what we

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 could steal out of, you know, our parents

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 friends bars. My parents

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 really weren't drinkers. I think they had a bottle of triple sec

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 above the refrigerator and

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 sure enough we tried it. Triple secs, not good by itself.

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 But I always, from the time before I even

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 start drinking or using, from the time I'm about 6 years old, I'm the kid

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 that I'll go in the front yard and I will spin and spin and spin around and around

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 and around and around and get my head off like that and I always want to just get

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 out of myself that way. I always want a different feeling. And when I found

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 alcohol and drugs, it was

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 that was what I was meant for. And I was

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 very comfortable. I wasn't the kid that was paranoid or

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 worried about the police or the FBI or any of that

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 you know, I had no

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 low tolerance at all. I mean, I was able to drink and drink

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 and drink and drink and smoke and smoke and smoke and smoke. I didn't understand people that couldn't handle

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 their alcohol because I could. I don't know why and I always

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 wanted one more. And through my whole drinking career, that's how

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 it was. I mean, if I have this in my hand and that glass gets more than half empty

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 I am thinking about how to fill it up with the next one. I am always about

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 the next one. I absolutely have the obsession of more

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 and needing more. And you know, so

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 what it was like, I kind of skate by as a kid

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 and in my 20s, but that doesn't mean that there wasn't chaos

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 and that there wasn't a lot of lying by omission

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 and there wasn't, I mean, if I'm nine minutes late

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 I'm on time, you know, at that point. I wasn't really

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 successful in anything that I did, but I was really good at like covering up.

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 And you know, sure there were some nights that I spent in the drunk tank. There's

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 probably five or six, you know, where I get

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 pulled in and they throw me in for an overnight.

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 There was relationships that, you know, ended in turmoil because

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 of our drinking and using.

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 You know, there were people that I let down, but you know, I took my car over the

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 side of a freeway once and I'm

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 such a good boy I waited for the police to show up. And they threw me

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 in jail that night too. But I was basically able to skate

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 by because, you know, I was good to my grandma. So people thought I was a good kid.

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 People thought I was good. And I was social. I wasn't, it didn't make me go

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 run away. And all my friends were drinking and using too, so it all seemed

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 very, very normal. I mean, I did not think that this was out of the

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 ordinary or something that was abnormal in any way.

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 Everybody I knew was doing this. So what

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 happens to me is, like I say, kind of skate by

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 in my teens and twenties, my thirties, and

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 this whole time, you know, I had a belief in

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 a higher power that I referred to as God. But it was

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 not really a belief as much as it was a respect. It was a respect

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 because other people had this God thing. I had no

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 connection. I had no relationship. I had no spirituality whatsoever.

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 In fact, I thought spirituality was religion

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 and I was absolutely not a religious person, so I wasn't going to subscribe to

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 anything like that, you know, connection. But I did have a respect. So it's not

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 like I didn't, I wasn't exposed to a higher power.

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 I just wasn't connected. And when I turned 41,

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 I faced the great tragedy of my life.

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 And I know that that happens to everybody. Everybody comes across something

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 that they consider like the big thing that knocks you off balance and

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 you know, and I didn't know anything about the program, V alcohol, it's anonymous

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 when this happened. I had a solution, one solution only

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 and that was drinking and using. And that's really what I thought worked.

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 That got me away from my pain. You know, that got me away

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 from the memories and the, you know, it helped me

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 to have a shield. That was my shield. And

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 my great tragedy was I was in a relationship from the time I was 30

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 up until 41. And we

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 I was in a relationship with somebody who was an absolute

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 alcoholic and a complete speed demon. And I was just the guy that

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 smokes pot every 15 minutes and can handle his alcohol. You know, I'm the guy who

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 I had a cocaine Thursday and I had a cocaine February. You know, I was the guy

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 who was judging this person for all their drinking and using.

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 Not really even aware of how I was or

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 looking at myself ever. Anyhow, one Sunday night

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 we get into, well Sunday morning actually, we get into an

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 argument, an argument that lasts all day. And usually when

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 I would get in an argument with John, he would win every

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 single time. He'd win every time. But this particular day

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 that wasn't happening. This particular day, every time it started up

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 between us, I won. I got the exclamation point. You know, I got

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 the point across. I shut him down. You know, and I just wasn't gonna

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 have it anymore. I wasn't gonna have it. It was one of those and this argument lasted

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 all day and into the night and about 9.45 that night

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 he took me out in our backyard and he put a gun

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 to his head and he blew his brains out right in front of me. And he won the argument

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 that day. And I hate to say it, but the only way that an alcoholic ever wins an argument

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 is to hurt somebody else. It's never a win-win with an alcoholic.

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 Ever. I'm so glad for this program that I realize that a real win is something where I

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 lift you up, not where I'm lifted up myself. And then when I lift

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 you up, we're both raised. And if it's a win-win, then that's a win. But in this

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 particular case, John won by suicide. And

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 he really changed my life. And because I had no

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 connection at all with anything bigger than me, I went off the rails.

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 And I ran to my only solution.

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 You know, I upped the ante with the drugs.

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 I crawled into the bottle. I, you know, I lived inside the

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 pipe. And everything about that time was

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 horrible. This happened October 1, 2006.

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 And by December of that year, I'd lost

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 60 pounds. I couldn't work. My whole family was

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 afraid of me. I wasn't allowed over at my mother's house.

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 My brothers wouldn't talk to me. I had very few friends that were

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 coming around. Now, you know, right after the suicide, of course, everybody

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 was, I mean, I had 40 people at my house for two weeks. And boy was

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 I glad when they were gone. Because I just needed to get

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 loaded. And I did. And I found crystal methamphetamine.

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 And I just, I did everything I could to try to live in

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 my solution. Again, I knew nothing about this program. I knew nothing

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 about spirituality. So I had nothing else to go to. Only what I knew. And

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 by December, I, you know, my body was

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 starting to really fail. I mean, I

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 got down to about 119 pounds. And

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 worse than that, my mind really went wayward. I mean, I'm

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 the guy that, you know, I see every tree person. And

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 I see all the shadow people. And it all makes sense to me. And, you

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 know, I'm channeling different voices. And I'm listening. And I'm talking. I mean, I absolutely

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 know how those crazy people on the street, those homeless people, when they talk to themselves, I'm like,

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 "Oh, I know how that feels. I know how that is." And there was nothing, nothing,

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 nothing that was going to bring me back except a psychic change

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 that this program can offer a person. So one, so

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 December, January, I don't know when it was exactly. But there's

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 one early morning where in my boxer shorts,

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 I crawl up onto my roof. And I had been on the internet. You know,

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 I discovered a webcam chat. It was the first, you know, it was

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 2006. And I discovered a webcam chat. And so I was doing things on the

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 internet that we don't necessarily need to talk about. But I'll let your imagination just

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 run. Bump your nose. Anyways, I was doing

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 a lot of things that I wouldn't want you to Google my screen name with. And

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 it was because I was craving that social interaction that I had had my whole life.

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 But I wasn't allowing myself because I was isolating so much. And

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 I just needed it. And it started, you know,

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 to get really heavy. And I was starting to get

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 stopped in real life by people that I had seen on the

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 screen. And it got really, really, really twisted and

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 weird. And one Saturday morning early

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 in my boxer shorts, I crawl up on my roof. And I decide right then and there

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 I'm going to tell the whole neighborhood exactly what they've been doing

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 to me. And how dare them. How dare them not give me the concessions for

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 what I saw and what I went through. And I know you all know. And I know

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 you all know what a good guy I am. And, you know, and I'm orating

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 about how I'm a nice Jewish book. You know, I'm just a nice guy.

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 And how dare them. And after several minutes

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 of me rattling off, I hear some children

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 who are playing just a couple houses away. I hear this one

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 little girl scream up at me and she says, "You're crazy, mister." And I

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 lost it. I got so upset. And I ran to the very edge of my roof

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 and I started screaming at all these little children. And I'm telling all these

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 kids, "I'm crazy. You're crazy. Don't you know what your

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 parents are doing? Don't you know what they're doing to me? And how dare you?

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 You're, you know, and I'm cursing and I'm saying all kinds of

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 stuff. And I'm talking about their animals. They're foul-mouthed

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 animals who, because the dogs are talking to me at this point, you know,

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 I can hear words in their barks and the

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 dogs curse. And palm trees are mean.

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 But, you know, but psychosis is a bee.

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 And that's what I was in. And anyway, so I'm yelling at

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 little children and after about ten minutes, six policemen

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 start coming up my driveway. They're all in formation. They have their

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 rifles out and they are asking me to come down off the roof. And I am

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 livid. I am so upset. And I scream down to the cops

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 and I say, "Am I doing anything illegal? This is my roof. I'm not doing

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 anything illegal." And they agreed. I wasn't doing anything illegal.

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 But they were just concerned and they wanted me to come down off my roof. And it took them

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 twenty, maybe thirty minutes for me to come down to the edge

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 and get to the ladder and start down the ladder.

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 At which point they abruptly kicked me up, put cuffs

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 on me and threw me in the back of the squad car. They tricked me. And they

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 took me to my very first 5150. And I say my very first because there must have been

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 at least ten or twelve of these incidences. I've been taken to

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 psych wards and hospitals strapped to a gurney.

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 I've been put in isolation. I've been taken by ambulance.

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 I've been taken by police car. I've been taken by family member. I

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 have literally been out of my mind kicking and

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 screaming. And when I get to these places, you know, I try to be good because

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 I want to get out. They don't let you drink and do drugs in these places.

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 And I need to get out. So I would sort of act like I'm paying attention.

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 And I have to say, as much as I hated and I did, I hated being

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 out there. But as much as I hated it, I am so grateful because

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 it's there in those hospitals that for the very first time a panel

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 of alcoholics come in and they do an H&I panel. And it's the very first time

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 that I hear really what Alcoholics Anonymous is. I just

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 didn't know what it was before. I mean, I knew the word sober, but I never knew the word

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 recovery. You know, recovery is something that you do when you

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 upholster a couch. You know, it wasn't anything that I understood.

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 And what I particularly paid attention to

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 was, you know, a panel of alcoholics. It's three people.

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 They come in, they tell their stories. And they were pretty

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 ugly stories. You know, they were, even though, of course, you know,

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 mine was the worst story in the room. Of course, mine's the worst story in the room.

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 I've called myself the king of 5150 because I've had so many. But generally, I

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 speak at these meetings and I look around the room and I realize I'm not the king. But anyways,

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 I hear for the first time that maybe,

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 maybe there just might be a different way for me to be.

225
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 That perhaps I might be doing something wrong that's not

226
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:04,000
 keeping me comfortable. Maybe drinking really

227
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:08,000
 isn't the solution. Maybe that's the thing that's tying me up. Maybe that's

228
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:12,000
 the problem. And here's what I really liked about them. They never

229
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:16,000
 shook their finger at me and pointed at me and said, "You should stop drinking! Don't do

230
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:20,000
 drugs! You should not do drugs! How dare you! How dare you do this! You better

231
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:24,000
 stop!" You know, they didn't tell me to do anything. They just talked about themselves.

232
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 And then they said this, that they didn't think about

233
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:32,000
 drinking. The obsession had been lifted. And after the story that

234
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:36,000
 I just heard from each of them, I'm like, "The obsession had been lifted?"

235
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:40,000
 I mean, I absolutely am obsessed with drinking

236
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:44,000
 and using drugs. Period. I constantly think about it.

237
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:48,000
 I'd say I constantly think about it when I don't have it, but I always have it.

238
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:52,000
 So even if I have it, I'm thinking about how to get the next one. If I'm in a bar and they call

239
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:56,000
 last call, I'm the first one at that bar and I'm asking for two. I'm not getting

240
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:00,000
 one. I drink nine Long Island iced teas. I do not

241
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:04,000
 drink beer. And when I'm being good, it's vodka.

242
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:08,000
 It's vodka. So as I get older, it was kettle one because, you know,

243
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:12,000
 I don't want to have a headache that Kamchatka used to give me.

244
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:16,000
 But I always wanted, you know,

245
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:20,000
 more. And they were saying that that obsession had been lifted.

246
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:24,000
 It was hard for me to believe because I have my thoughts.

247
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:28,000
 I have my racing thoughts. And I've been dealing with them by drinking alcohol

248
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:32,000
 and doing drugs. So curious to me. And they said, you know, it would be great

249
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:36,000
 if when you get out of here, you have an exit plan. Go to one of these meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous.

250
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:40,000
 There's over 3,000 meetings in Los Angeles. You're the luckiest person alive

251
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:44,000
 to be in this disease in L.A.

252
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:48,000
 Go to your counselor. Get a book. Call central office. They told me all these things

253
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:52,000
 how I can connect. And they said, oh, and this. Do it the day you walk out.

254
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:56,000
 Do it the very day. Because what will happen is you don't ever want to drink

255
00:16:56,000 --> 00:17:00,000
 and use again after being held in this hospital. And you'll go home and you will

256
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:04,000
 absolutely say that you don't want to. But as soon as you get home,

257
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:08,000
 your life goes like this. And my hand goes like this.

258
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:12,000
 And I'm going to call the connect and I'm going to go get alcohol because I don't know anything else.

259
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:16,000
 So run to the solution. Run to the solution. I wish I did. Because

260
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:20,000
 I obviously had another couple of years

261
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:24,000
 in my disease. When I first discovered Alcoholics Anonymous

262
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:28,000
 I can never get past 10 or 12 days for just under three years.

263
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:32,000
 I stand up as a newcomer at every meeting for almost

264
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:36,000
 three years. And when they say, you know, oh, we do this

265
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:40,000
 not to embarrass you, but so that we can get to know you, I'm like, you all know me.

266
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,000
 Like, you definitely know me. But, you know, I kind of credit

267
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:48,000
 my sobriety today to the fact that I

268
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:52,000
 was honest then. I never told you I was sober when I

269
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:56,000
 wasn't sober. I never lied about that. And coupled

270
00:17:56,000 --> 00:18:00,000
 with, you know, when they'd say keep coming back, I kept coming back. I did.

271
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:04,000
 Now, I would use or go out and I wouldn't come back that day or even

272
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,000
 the next day or maybe even that week. But I would come back because I knew

273
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:12,000
 that there was a solution here. And I was definitely at the end of my rope.

274
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:16,000
 And I had no good ideas. So I start going to

275
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:20,000
 AA meetings and I thought I had surrendered

276
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:24,000
 because I read all these fine steps on the wall, you know, but I'm looking

277
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:28,000
 at the steps and like, well, I'm absolutely powerless. I understand that.

278
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:32,000
 I guess I'm unmanageable. I mean, you know, what happened and

279
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:36,000
 what could something really I guess maybe something can restore me to sanity. And then step

280
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:40,000
 three, that was the best, you know, turn my will

281
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:44,000
 my will, the things that I want, turn it over to something bigger

282
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:48,000
 than me to help make those decisions. And I was on board for

283
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:52,000
 one, two and three. But that step four, that was a trick because they're going to make me read that

284
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:56,000
 to somebody in step five. And I'm not going to do those two. So let's look at, you know,

285
00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,000
 and that's how I that's how I surrender. I picked and

286
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:04,000
 choose what steps I was going to play with. And sure enough, I

287
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:08,000
 didn't stay sober. Oh, you know, for the first year, marijuana was not going to be part of

288
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:12,000
 my program. You know, I knew that I should probably stop drinking

289
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:16,000
 alcohol and certainly I shouldn't be smoking crystal meth, but I never smoked drunk

290
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:20,000
 kick to dogs. So, you know, the funny thing

291
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:24,000
 was is the longer I kept smoking marijuana and even if I considered

292
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:28,000
 that, you know, sober still was only a day or two before I

293
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:32,000
 would drink or use drugs. It wasn't until I put that down that I was able

294
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:36,000
 to put it all down. And like I say, it took a long time. What happened

295
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:40,000
 was I started doing what I saw you were doing and I

296
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:44,000
 started to mimic what you were doing. And you were reading that book with different people.

297
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:48,000
 So I guess I need to read that book with different people. I wasn't I tried

298
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:52,000
 to pick a sponsor, but it didn't work out. And then the second guy

299
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:56,000
 I picked was a little too religious and said Jesus

300
00:19:56,000 --> 00:20:00,000
 was going to save me and I had to get rid of him. And, you know,

301
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:04,000
 I really couldn't pick a sponsor until I

302
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:08,000
 had some physical sobriety. I mean, I picked my sponsor at like

303
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:12,000
 two or three months sober, the sponsor that I have today.

304
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:16,000
 And he's the man that took me through the steps. He read the forwards with

305
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:20,000
 me. He read The Doctor's Opinion and he read every chapter in that book.

306
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:24,000
 And we had a book study where we would read a story out of the

307
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:28,000
 first, second, and third editions. So I got to read all the stories with him

308
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:32,000
 as well. And he really did walk me through that book. And

309
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:36,000
 at 60 days sober. Well, let's go back just a little bit.

310
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:40,000
 At 26 days sober. It had been three years.

311
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:44,000
 And I, you know, there were people betting against me. You know, I was

312
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:48,000
 so not right sized. I would stand up on chairs and scream

313
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:52,000
 at people, "This is right size. You don't understand."

314
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:56,000
 But at 26 days sober, I realized

315
00:20:56,000 --> 00:21:00,000
 that day something was different. Like the surrender was different. And it wasn't that

316
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:04,000
 I surrendered to a higher power. I surrendered to what

317
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:08,000
 was right. The right thing to do. The next right thing.

318
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:12,000
 That was my real surrender. It wasn't having

319
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:16,000
 an excuse or reason or a better idea. Or, "Oh, I know

320
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:20,000
 I should." Or, "I will. I will win." Or, "If this

321
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:24,000
 happens, I will do." It wasn't any of that. It was if that was the right thing

322
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:28,000
 to do because I had a little bit of physical sobriety. You know, I absolutely believed

323
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:32,000
 that God always lets you know exactly what the right thing is.

324
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:36,000
 You know, this stuff that, "Oh, I don't know what God's will is." Well, God's will

325
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:40,000
 is to help other people that are around you. We aren't born on

326
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,000
 an island by ourselves. I was born with seven and a half billion people

327
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:48,000
 in this world. And I think that I'm supposed to help my fellows.

328
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:52,000
 And lift them up. And help them see light. And if I do,

329
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:56,000
 if I do help you, and the light does come on in your eyes, that light

330
00:21:56,000 --> 00:22:00,000
 is shining on me, my life just got brighter. So, I had been

331
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:04,000
 surrendering to the next right thing. The right thing was read the book with

332
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:08,000
 these people. Do these steps. Really start these steps.

333
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:12,000
 They come early. Stay late.

334
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:16,000
 Clean those bathrooms. Pick up the sponge and do those

335
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:20,000
 tables. And, you know, that's, I started doing that because

336
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:24,000
 you were doing that and I knew that was the right thing to do. And on that 26th day of sobriety

337
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:28,000
 when I realized that I was going to get 30 days, I was going to get

338
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:32,000
 30 days. I just knew it. And, like I said, I was a cigarette

339
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:36,000
 smoker for a very long time. On that 26th day after the meeting in the morning,

340
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:40,000
 I was outside with my friend Jody and I lit up a cigarette and we

341
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:44,000
 started talking. As soon as I took the first drag, my head said, "Todd,

342
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:48,000
 you don't need those cigarettes anymore either." And rather than make an excuse,

343
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:52,000
 you know, it was like November. I could have made a resolution

344
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:56,000
 on January 1st. Or, you know, I'm smoking with Jody

345
00:22:56,000 --> 00:23:00,000
 who was a very heavy smoker and Jody really needs to quit. And if Jody

346
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:04,000
 quits, maybe I'll quit and we'll support each other. Or here was

347
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:08,000
 the best one. I had 18 cigarettes in my top pocket here.

348
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:12,000
 When this pack is over, I will never buy them again.

349
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:16,000
 I'm just going to finish this pack. They're very expensive. Rather than

350
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:20,000
 have any other idea, my head said, "Todd, you don't need those cigarettes anymore

351
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:24,000
 either." My hand just went like this. I took them out. I walked over to the

352
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:28,000
 trash and I threw them away. And I have not had a cigarette since by some miracle

353
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:32,000
 of this program and that practice of

354
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:36,000
 doing right action. Just doing what is right. And, you know,

355
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:40,000
 I didn't even know I was going to quit two minutes before I did. And I didn't quit. I'll tell you

356
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:44,000
 what. I didn't quit. And I didn't quit drinking. And I didn't quit doing drugs. You know what I

357
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:48,000
 did? I surrendered. I surrendered to what is right. And that's what makes

358
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:52,000
 it possible. That's what makes it simple. You know, I hesitate

359
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:56,000
 before I'm going to say easy because I know that sobriety is not

360
00:23:56,000 --> 00:24:00,000
 easy for a lot of people. That's only because I'm in my own way. That's only because

361
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:04,000
 I'm making choices that I'm not running through something

362
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:08,000
 bigger than me. And that doesn't have to be God. In fact, in the beginning

363
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:12,000
 it was just, I chose nature. I chose the universe.

364
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:16,000
 I chose, you know, I certainly wasn't going to be able to stop the

365
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:20,000
 waves from coming up. Or to, you know, set the

366
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:24,000
 sun and raise the moon. That wasn't up to me. So

367
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:28,000
 I felt like that was certainly bigger than me. And that's what I chose.

368
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:32,000
 And of course, you know, here's the thing about spirituality and connection.

369
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:36,000
 If you are in a completely dark closet,

370
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:40,000
 completely dark, and you open that door that much, not even

371
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:44,000
 that much, I can't even, just that much, and let just that much light

372
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:48,000
 in, you're not in a dark closet anymore. And the more you have light, for me,

373
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:52,000
 you know, I have the disease of more. I want, if I feel good,

374
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:56,000
 I want more of that good. I want to push that door open a little bit more.

375
00:24:56,000 --> 00:25:00,000
 I want to see more of what that is. And my higher power

376
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:04,000
 has evolved into a comfortable, easy, simple

377
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:08,000
 God that is as important as everybody

378
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:12,000
 else's. And that's one thing I really, really love about this program. That

379
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:16,000
 you know, as soon as I say God, everybody has a different picture, a different idea.

380
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:20,000
 And what you think is just as important as what I think, even if you think

381
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:24,000
 it doesn't exist, it's exactly as important as mine. I sort of feel

382
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:28,000
 with spirituality and higher power that if that were a

383
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:32,000
 blanket, every single one of us gets to carry a single thread. So my

384
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:36,000
 thread is not more important than your thread. It's all part of the blanket. And

385
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:40,000
 you know, my thread might be different colors than your thread, or

386
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:44,000
 it might have a different shape than your thread. But it's just as

387
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:48,000
 viable and just as important. And for so long as I try

388
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:52,000
 to seek what that is, I'm in the know.

389
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:56,000
 For so long as I try, I don't have to figure out higher

390
00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:00,000
 power and God. And I never will. I never will. I just have to

391
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:04,000
 continue to seek and ask and be close to and let and get out of the way

392
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:08,000
 from. And say you first. You go first. In fact, I was sitting

393
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:12,000
 up and I said, okay, God, go stand there so I can stand right with you, you know.

394
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:16,000
 And my spirituality is,

395
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:20,000
 well, my spiritual awakening was that I stopped levitating, you know. I

396
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:24,000
 was levitating before I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, and I stopped

397
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:28,000
 levitating. My spirituality and connection is certainly real and certainly

398
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:32,000
 up there, but my feet are firmly planted on this Earth.

399
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:36,000
 You know, that make no bones about it. I am not some

400
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:40,000
 giant guru that thinks I'm floating on air. I am

401
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:44,000
 real world spirituality. It is being used and

402
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:48,000
 I am being used and it is working with and through me. And

403
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:52,000
 it's not anything that I have to like tell anybody that, oh, this is

404
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:56,000
 how it is. You must believe me. No, it's just something that

405
00:26:56,000 --> 00:27:00,000
 comes with me. I mean, the greatest gift that Alcoholics Anonymous has given me

406
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:04,000
 is definitely a connection with spirit. And, I mean, that's the key to

407
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:08,000
 the kingdom for me. And, you know, the keys to this kingdom,

408
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:12,000
 I've been given the keys to the kingdom, but I got to tell you, those keys will get

409
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:16,000
 awful rusty if I don't use them to help set other people free.

410
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:20,000
 If I don't carry this message that I have found to other people,

411
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:24,000
 what good is it? And if I can't help you

412
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:28,000
 see something inside yourself, you don't need to see it in me.

413
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:32,000
 And I don't need to go around proving to anyone that I'm sober. I go

414
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:36,000
 home at night and I put my head on the pillow. And I know. But if

415
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:40,000
 you can see it within yourself, that's what I want to help, you know,

416
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:44,000
 manufacture. And I got to tell you, I've been gifted with

417
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:48,000
 a lot of wonderful commitments in Alcoholics Anonymous.

418
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:52,000
 But one of the greatest things that I got to do was

419
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,000
 at 60 Days Sober go to the H&I group in the San Fernando

420
00:27:56,000 --> 00:28:00,000
 Valley and volunteer my time. Because that's where I found the message and I wanted to carry

421
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:04,000
 the message of Alcoholics the way that it was carried to me. So I wanted to go on

422
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:08,000
 panels and I went to the H&I meeting and

423
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:12,000
 it was different then. Now they have panels on tables. But before

424
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:16,000
 they used to call them from the podium and they had said

425
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:20,000
 I thought that they were asking people to speak on a panel. And he said Tuesday

426
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:24,000
 and nobody raised their hand. And I was like, nobody raised their hand? Okay, well I'm

427
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:28,000
 over. I can speak on Tuesday. And they came over and they ran a little sheet to me and they

428
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:32,000
 had given me my own panel. I didn't know I only had 60 days. And all my

429
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:36,000
 friends came up to me and said, oh no, you can't do that. You have to have six months and you can't

430
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:40,000
 do that. And the chairperson of that particular panel looked at me and she said,

431
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:44,000
 you know what, kid, we need you. And we're going to take a chance on you and I'm going to let you have the panel.

432
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:48,000
 You're just going to mirror somebody else for one or two months and then you can have your own panel.

433
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:52,000
 And thank God she did because I have been sober ever since. And

434
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:56,000
 I had that panel and I started to come

435
00:28:56,000 --> 00:29:00,000
 early and help pack the books. And the next thing you know, the next year I was the literature fund

436
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:04,000
 chair. And then suddenly I was the co-chair

437
00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:08,000
 of the whole H&I program and soon the director, the director

438
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:12,000
 in charge of 150 plus

439
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:16,000
 panels in jails and institutions every month. The guy

440
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:20,000
 that was standing on the roof screaming and yelling at children and being taken into

441
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:24,000
 those places and being held strapped to a gurney. That was

442
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:28,000
 the guy that was in charge for a little while. That's one thing that

443
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:32,000
 Alcoholics Anonymous really does well. It transforms people

444
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:36,000
 in amazing ways and makes them so

445
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:40,000
 comfortable. And I have to tell you, the obsession has been lifted

446
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:44,000
 long lifted long ago. And the only time I think about

447
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:48,000
 drinking or using is when I'm at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and talking about

448
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:52,000
 it. And I'm protected there because I'm right in the middle. Right in the middle.

449
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:56,000
 I don't think I've ever had a bad day in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've had some bad moments.

450
00:29:56,000 --> 00:30:00,000
 You know, bad things have happened. You know, life is life and bad things have happened.

451
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:04,000
 There are no bad days in AA. There are only good days and

452
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:08,000
 great days. And a good day is I wake up in the morning

453
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:12,000
 and I go to my meeting. I go to work.

454
00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:16,000
 I talk to an alcoholic or two. You know, things go okay at work.

455
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:20,000
 I have a nice lunch. You know, I go home, watch a little

456
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:24,000
 TV, have dinner, connect with some friends, what have you. I go to sleep

457
00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:28,000
 and I didn't drink that day. And boy, that's a good day. But a great day.

458
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:32,000
 A great day in Alcoholics Anonymous is when I wake up

459
00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:36,000
 in the morning and my car doesn't start. I'm going to be late to work. I might not even get to work.

460
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:40,000
 I've got to figure out how to get to work. I'll call them. They're upset that I have to get there.

461
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:44,000
 When I finally get there, everything at work goes wrong. And people are yelling at me

462
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:48,000
 and I feel like I've let somebody down and

463
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:52,000
 I get a call later and my brother dies that day. And I'm

464
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:56,000
 devastated when I go home and I don't eat and

465
00:30:56,000 --> 00:31:00,000
 I'm crying and I go home and I put my head on the pillow and

466
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:04,000
 I didn't drink. And that's a great day in Alcoholics Anonymous because

467
00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:08,000
 it doesn't matter what your circumstances are in this program. You

468
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:12,000
 don't have to drink ever again if you don't want to. And even if you

469
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:16,000
 want to, you don't have to. And I had to before knowing

470
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:20,000
 what this program was. I absolutely had to. And that's

471
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:24,000
 gone. I am relieved. You know, I am so grateful.

472
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:28,000
 So grateful to be standing here, 40 pounds,

473
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:32,000
 too sober, and have my work life and

474
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:36,000
 my family life and my home life and my friend life and

475
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:40,000
 my relationship with me. I have a relationship

476
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:44,000
 with myself. I like myself. And I'm comfortable with myself.

477
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:48,000
 And I am not first. I do ask God to go first.

478
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:52,000
 And it works. It really works. It really does.

479
00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:56,000
 I want to thank everybody for being here tonight. I really appreciate being

480
00:31:56,000 --> 00:32:00,000
 asked to speak. And when I thank you, I don't thank you just

481
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:04,000
 for myself, but I thank you truly from the bottom of my

482
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:08,000
 mother's heart. Because if you could see what her life is today

483
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:11,000
 because she has a sober son, thank you so much for being here.