1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,300 - Hi everybody, I'm Penny and I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:05,560 I wanna thank Sophie for your 10 minutes, 3 00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:06,920 well, your whatever minutes. 4 00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:11,160 Wasn't quite 10, but it packed a powerful punch anyway 5 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,880 and I'm personally glad you're here. 6 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:18,400 And I wanna, I think I'll get the stuff I have to do 7 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:19,960 out of the way. 8 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,540 First, I'll thank my friend Debbie for coming with me. 9 00:00:22,540 --> 00:00:24,480 She's a really great friend. 10 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:27,280 We're in the dreaded Pacific group together. 11 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:30,360 And so, but Debbie's the kind of friend 12 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,520 that everybody should have, you know, 13 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,340 and the things that I've gotten from being sober, 14 00:00:35,340 --> 00:00:38,320 besides the main thing is that I'm sober, right? 15 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:41,640 That's all I'm guaranteed by coming to AA 16 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,040 is that I'll be sober. 17 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,300 I'm not guaranteed cars or boyfriends or girlfriends 18 00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:49,120 or any of that, but I have found from being sober 19 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:52,240 that you also get friends here and real friends. 20 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:54,800 And Debbie's one of those real friends. 21 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:57,760 My sponsor Veronica's on Zoom. 22 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:01,420 She's another person that's a complete gift to me 23 00:01:01,420 --> 00:01:02,380 of this program. 24 00:01:02,380 --> 00:01:04,400 And she thinks that I help her so much. 25 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:06,840 And I swear to you guys, honestly, I'm being honest. 26 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,280 I don't really do anything. 27 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:10,800 I feel like she helps me more than I help her. 28 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,560 I have taken her through the steps 29 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:14,460 and we're getting ready to go through them again. 30 00:01:14,460 --> 00:01:19,000 But you know, what started as a sponsor relationship 31 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,960 has become a really deep friendship. 32 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,360 And Veronica's always there for me. 33 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:26,000 And I'm really grateful to Veronica. 34 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,240 She's a joy in my life. 35 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,160 And I think that's all the people. 36 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:34,600 I invited a few other friends here that live in the Valley. 37 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,080 I live in Encino. 38 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,540 I go to a lot of meetings on the West Side 39 00:01:38,540 --> 00:01:40,920 only 'cause I'm in the Pacific group. 40 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:43,680 And so my stats are, and first of all, 41 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:46,760 I'm your booby prize or whatever you call it 42 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,320 because my roommate was supposed to speak here 43 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,440 and she wasn't able to, and she suggested me. 44 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:55,480 And so I thank Ben for letting me pinch hit for her. 45 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:56,860 You guys should have had Cindy, 46 00:01:56,860 --> 00:01:58,460 but I'm gonna do the best I can 47 00:01:58,460 --> 00:02:00,500 and hopefully we'll all get through the night. 48 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:02,740 And maybe the only thing I ever, 49 00:02:02,740 --> 00:02:05,080 well, the main, main, main thing 50 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:07,180 is I wanna welcome the newcomers in the room. 51 00:02:07,180 --> 00:02:09,940 And I think I saw like about three hands. 52 00:02:09,940 --> 00:02:13,880 And I think one of our newcomers read chapter five 53 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:14,940 and did a great job. 54 00:02:14,940 --> 00:02:17,520 And I don't know when I was new and people would say, 55 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,000 "Well, we have the meetings for the newcomers." 56 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:22,480 I didn't really, meaning me, I didn't believe it. 57 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,480 But then I've come to find out 58 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:26,480 that that is the reason we have the meetings 59 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:30,340 because when I got sober, if there hadn't been meetings, 60 00:02:30,340 --> 00:02:32,000 I don't know that I would have stayed sober. 61 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:35,600 And so I feel like I'm so grateful to be sober 62 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:39,320 that I feel like it is my responsibility to pay it back. 63 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:41,840 And one of the ways that we pay it back 64 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:43,000 is that we have meetings 65 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,040 so the newcomers have somewhere to go 66 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,080 and hopefully hear a message of hope 67 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,480 from one of the speakers. 68 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,840 The very first time I tried to get sober, 69 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:55,120 I really did not think that you could have life 70 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:56,800 without drugs or alcohol. 71 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,600 I mean, I really, really believed that you could not. 72 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:03,240 And when somebody told me that you could or something, 73 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,920 or maybe I went to an AA meeting, I don't remember, 74 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:08,320 but I remember that I had hope for the first time. 75 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,240 Like I figured if a bunch of people like you guys 76 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:15,400 who were probably as crazy as I was are sitting here sober, 77 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,000 maybe there was a chance for me. 78 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,320 And I even didn't believe it 100%, 79 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,120 but I thought maybe there was a chance 80 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,680 and that little bit of hope turned into, 81 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,400 well, I've had a few sobriety. 82 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:30,480 So I'm sober now a little over 21 years. 83 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:33,040 When I first came into AA, 84 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,920 I stayed sober for eight years. 85 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:39,720 And then I was working in the film industry 86 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,920 and I was on the job in Italy 87 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,520 and everybody was drinking wine 88 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:46,320 and they kept telling me how great these bottles of wine. 89 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:49,120 Oh, it's $400, you should try this wine. 90 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:52,240 And for like two or three days, I said, no, thank you. 91 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:53,880 I don't think I said, I don't drink, 92 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,320 but I just said, no, thank you. 93 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:56,920 And then like around the fourth day, 94 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,120 I thought, well, I'm in a foreign country. 95 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,280 Why would it matter if I had a glass of wine 96 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:02,400 and who's even gonna know? 97 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,000 'Cause I could come back to LA 98 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,280 or yeah, I think I was living in LA at the time, 99 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,440 I know I was. 100 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:10,080 And I wouldn't necessarily have to tell anybody. 101 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:11,960 I could just have a glass of wine. 102 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:16,320 And that led to me trying to control my drinking for a year 103 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:18,280 and then not being able to, 104 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,840 and then trying to get back to AA. 105 00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,720 So I had those, let's say it was seven or eight years. 106 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:27,920 I don't even know exactly, but I couldn't get sober again. 107 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:30,520 And I would come to meetings and I would get a month 108 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:31,720 or maybe a few months 109 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,920 or maybe more than a few months or some days 110 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:37,000 and I would drink and use again. 111 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,040 And what that told me was that, 112 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,480 that God gives you one chance to get sober. 113 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:45,120 And I had my chance and I stayed sober for a while 114 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,640 and I blew it and I wasn't gonna get sober again. 115 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:52,680 And I really didn't believe I could get sober again. 116 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,360 So what I'm gonna say also, it's not, 117 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,200 I hope it doesn't sound like advice 118 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,440 'cause I don't give advice, 119 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,280 but for people that are in their sobriety 120 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:05,240 and they have had the same sobriety date, 121 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:07,160 I recommend you keep it 122 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,840 because I know for myself, 123 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:10,760 it was just really hard to get back. 124 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:13,560 And what ended up happening for me is, 125 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,360 and while I was talking to another friend on the way here 126 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,840 and she was telling me, I should tell this story 127 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:20,880 and I'm probably not gonna tell the whole story, 128 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,880 but the gist of it is, 129 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:26,000 I've been married five times to four guys and one girl 130 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,640 and the girl I'm still friends with. 131 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,520 But the problem with that relationship is I'm not gay 132 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:31,840 and I was in a gay marriage 133 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,120 and it didn't really work if you're not gay. 134 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,920 I tried, believe me, I gave it the college try, 135 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,160 but I was living with that woman 136 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:42,520 who was sober quite a long time in Northern California. 137 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:47,520 And she was sober many, many, many years and I was drinking 138 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,520 and she didn't really see me drinking, 139 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,360 but she would smell my breath and she would go, 140 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,520 oh, your breath smells so sweet. 141 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,460 It was 'cause I was like drinking wine, right? 142 00:05:57,460 --> 00:05:59,780 And I would tell her, well, I just brushed my teeth 143 00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:01,060 and I would make up these stories. 144 00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:02,400 And she was a little naive. 145 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,760 So she didn't get it until she, 146 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,440 I told her she should go to Al-Anon 147 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:08,640 and then she went to Al-Anon 148 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:10,480 and I thought that was stupid of me 149 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:11,880 to tell her to go to Al-Anon 150 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,040 'cause then she like put the brakes on 151 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,120 with help with enabling me. 152 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,360 But anyway, so I was living in this small town 153 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,760 in Northern California and I, again, 154 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:22,920 I wasn't able to stay sober, 155 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:27,160 but I went to a meeting there and I told this one woman 156 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:30,920 who happens to be sponsored by Sharon, who's in PG, 157 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,520 here in LA, even though this woman lived up 158 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,000 in Northern California where I live. 159 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,600 And I said to her, I said, look, Linda, 160 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:42,000 I can't get sober and I can't stay sober. 161 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,080 I'll do whatever you tell me to do 162 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,540 if you help me get sober and stay sober. 163 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:49,120 And again, I'm not believing that this is gonna happen, 164 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:53,420 but I did start doing what she told me 165 00:06:53,420 --> 00:06:55,380 and I started going to meetings. 166 00:06:55,380 --> 00:06:58,560 And all I did is I would get up in the morning 167 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,560 and pray to God to keep me sober for the day. 168 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:05,880 And that was like the extent of my prayer and meditation. 169 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,980 And then at the end of the day, I would thank God 170 00:07:07,980 --> 00:07:09,280 for keeping me sober. 171 00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:11,720 And I still do that to this day 172 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,080 because when I had that seven or eight years of sobriety, 173 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:18,000 I, everybody, and especially me would have said, 174 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,500 I'm gonna be sober forever. 175 00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:20,440 I love this. 176 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:24,480 I'm the AA cheerleader, I'm sponsoring bunches of girls. 177 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,040 Now I don't feel that way. 178 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,760 I feel like I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go to bed 179 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:32,200 tonight sober and I negotiate every day 180 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,160 because I didn't stay sober. 181 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:37,560 And I know that I'm just one drink away 182 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,840 from not being sober. 183 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,120 And I love being sober. 184 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:44,340 It's probably, I'm gonna say, I was thinking about it today 185 00:07:44,340 --> 00:07:46,800 and it's the best thing in my life 186 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,000 because if I wasn't sober, 187 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,200 I wouldn't have the other stuff I do have in my life. 188 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:56,720 And anyway, so I'm still only speaking for, 189 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,920 okay, 'cause I don't wanna bore you guys into like, 190 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:01,840 I don't wanna be up here for five hours. 191 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,240 I'm wearing heels, so you can't do that anyway. 192 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:08,040 But I will go a little bit back in my story 193 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:11,000 and then hopefully I'll get to get sober. 194 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,440 And because I think when I share, 195 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,680 I like to share the most about sobriety 196 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,880 because I think we can all tell our drunk loves 197 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:22,440 and we all drank and used and did crazy things. 198 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,040 What we did might be different, 199 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,280 but the way we felt I think was the same. 200 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,660 But what I love about talking about sobriety 201 00:08:29,660 --> 00:08:32,920 is so that I can share the tools that I use 202 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,880 in order to keep this good life I've gotten 203 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,640 because of these rooms. 204 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,720 And I loved walking in here and seeing the steps 205 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,680 like each one framed like that. 206 00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:45,080 I think that, I don't know why that's really cool to me, 207 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:48,640 but I wanna also thank you guys 208 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:51,620 because as soon as I got here, I felt very welcomed. 209 00:08:51,620 --> 00:08:55,440 And that's kind of been my experience with AA. 210 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:59,840 I was working in, I think I was in Paris 211 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,720 and I went to an AA meeting there. 212 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,840 They have American or English speaking meetings 213 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,320 and it's the same thing. 214 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,320 And even if they weren't speaking English, 215 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,760 when I walk in a room of Alcoholics Anonymous, 216 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,380 it's the language of the heart. 217 00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:16,480 I feel connected to all the people in Alcoholics Anonymous, 218 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,600 whether we're alike or not alike. 219 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:22,680 I think our disease makes us like connected. 220 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:27,520 Anyway, so I was up in Northern California. 221 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,720 I got sober there finally. 222 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:32,960 After I had about a year of sobriety, 223 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,800 I moved back to LA because my kids are in LA 224 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,600 and my friends were all in LA. 225 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:43,400 And I came to LA and my one son was behaving 226 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,200 the way I always tried to manipulate him to behave. 227 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,480 And I found out he was going to the Pacific group. 228 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,400 So I went to the Pacific group 229 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,640 to see who were these crazy people that got my son 230 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,280 to do everything that I couldn't get him to do all his life, 231 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:59,260 like cut his hair and not show off his tattoos 232 00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:01,840 and all the stuff I cared about. 233 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:06,120 But he was also really had become a kind responsible person. 234 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,920 And I went to the Pacific group 235 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,960 and I stayed on the outskirts for the first year 236 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,400 because I wasn't sure I wanted to join. 237 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:16,680 They have, I'm not gonna call them rules, 238 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:19,080 but we have some traditions in PG 239 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,440 that I didn't care about 240 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,040 'cause I don't mind wearing a dress 241 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,480 but a lot of the women don't. 242 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,240 You have to wear a dress if you're speaking 243 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,940 or taking a cake. 244 00:10:26,940 --> 00:10:29,560 The man can't, I don't know if it's different now 245 00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:30,680 since Clancy died, 246 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:33,520 but the man couldn't wear baseball caps in the meeting. 247 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:36,560 And obviously nobody could use their cell phones, 248 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:41,040 but I still believe that nobody should take their cell phone 249 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,480 out when they're in an AA meeting 250 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,160 'cause we're saving our lives for maybe one hour. 251 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:48,400 So what's it gonna hurt if we don't get a text for that hour 252 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:52,160 but I wasn't sure about joining PG 253 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:54,920 and then I went to a roundup thing, 254 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,800 a convention in Palm Springs with a bunch of the PG people. 255 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,200 And I went with a girl that I didn't really know 256 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,440 and she was kind of crazy. 257 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:05,080 And so some other girls told me 258 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,040 to come stay with them at their condo. 259 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:10,200 And one of them was very, very, very active in PG 260 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:11,960 and sponsored a lot of girls 261 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,360 and we became really good friends 262 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:17,560 and she then gently suggested to me, 263 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,440 I kept that sponsor from Northern California, 264 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,040 but my friend, her name's Debbie also, 265 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:26,160 she recommended that I get a local sponsor 266 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,200 because it's really good to see the person 267 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,720 that you're working with. 268 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:34,080 So I got a PG sponsor and I'm gonna say 269 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:37,880 I came in and sat all the way down in PG after that. 270 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:41,360 And it's interesting 'cause the girl that brought me into PG 271 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,080 and who let me stay at her condo 272 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,960 at that thing in Palm Springs, 273 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,920 we became really, really good friends. 274 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:51,360 And then she lived in LA, but she was never legal here. 275 00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:52,520 She was Canadian. 276 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:55,680 So she went to visit her family once in Canada 277 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:58,360 and they didn't let her come back over to the border. 278 00:11:58,360 --> 00:11:59,920 She's still not. 279 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:03,000 So she's been back in Canada for, I don't know, 280 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,400 10 or 12 years. 281 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,840 And the cool thing is she's still my best friend 282 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,560 and I still talk to her on the phone 283 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,320 like probably three times a week. 284 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,640 She works such a great AA program. 285 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:18,000 And next month I have to go to Toronto for work. 286 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,880 I have a celebrity PR firm and one of my celebrities 287 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,960 is gonna be a keynote speaker at a thing in Toronto. 288 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,640 So I'm going also. 289 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,400 And I don't care about the work part of it, 290 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,720 but the good news is I get to see my friend Debbie 291 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,680 and spend a week with her and catch up. 292 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:36,840 And she finally got herself really involved 293 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:37,960 in the AAF there. 294 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:41,640 She fought it for a while because she wanted 295 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,480 to still be part of the Pacific group, 296 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:47,040 but again, and this is again my opinion, 297 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,640 but if you're gonna have a home group, 298 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:52,200 it should be maybe a home group where people can see you. 299 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:53,960 I have a sponsor named Quincy. 300 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,280 I don't know if some of you might know Quincy, 301 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:57,520 Karen shaking her head. 302 00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,440 She's a great speaker and she sponsors a lot of people. 303 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:05,440 And anyway, so my background story is I was born in Michigan 304 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:09,640 and I was the third of four daughters 305 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,680 and my parents wanted boys the whole time. 306 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,280 So my name was Penny because there was a song 307 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:15,680 on the radio in those days. 308 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:18,800 I'm really old and the song was Penny's from heaven. 309 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:22,200 And so I thought, wow, they put a lot into naming me. 310 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,160 They just picked a song from the radio, 311 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:28,040 but my mother was an alcoholic, a practicing alcoholic. 312 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:31,000 And my father chose to be a traveling salesman, 313 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,680 which I don't really blame him 314 00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,840 'cause they had four daughters. 315 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,560 So it was my mom and four girls, 316 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,200 and then my poor dad, right? 317 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,880 So my dad would travel and then my mom would drink all week 318 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,800 when he was gone and she would forget to feed us. 319 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,120 Most of the time she would forget to feed us. 320 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:52,120 So as a child, I remember my sisters and I would open up 321 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:54,920 like a can of chicken noodle soup that was cold 322 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,840 and we would drink it out of a cigar because we were hungry. 323 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,440 I also remember that my mom would drink in the kitchen 324 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,520 when she was supposed to be making dinner 325 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:06,280 and I would try to go in the kitchen 326 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,120 so that she wouldn't drink 'cause I knew she was drinking. 327 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,800 Even when I was little, I knew it wasn't good. 328 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,280 And she would tell me to get out of the kitchen. 329 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,160 Children in the kitchen make me nervous 330 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:17,940 and I would go out of the kitchen 331 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,280 and I would peek around the corner 332 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,560 and I would see her getting her bottle of, 333 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,240 she drank this awful beer called Stroh's beer. 334 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,760 And I would see her get her bottle of Stroh's beer 335 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,200 out of the cupboard and drink it. 336 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:33,080 And she caught our house on fire a lot 'cause she smoked. 337 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,280 And then when my dad would come home, 338 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:37,320 she wouldn't get as drunk, 339 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,140 but they would fight all the time. 340 00:14:39,140 --> 00:14:41,620 But I liked my dad being home 'cause we got fed. 341 00:14:41,620 --> 00:14:44,680 So the trade-off was I was either hungry 342 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,020 or I was dealing with my parents fighting. 343 00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:50,800 And I don't consider myself a victim 344 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,560 because of the way I was raised and I'm not an alcoholic 345 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,440 because my mother was an alcoholic 346 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,900 or because of my childhood. 347 00:14:56,900 --> 00:15:00,200 I like who I am today and I think I had to live through 348 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,400 everything I lived through in order to be who I am today. 349 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,880 But I always say to myself, I don't wanna live, 350 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:07,880 I don't wanna go through that again. 351 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:12,880 So when I was, so I had a scholarship to a college 352 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,020 and all I could think about was getting out of the house 353 00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:18,800 when I was like in high school, right? 354 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,500 Just get away from these crazy people, 355 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:24,980 this alcoholic mother, this father who's fighting 356 00:15:24,980 --> 00:15:26,280 with the alcoholic mother. 357 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:30,060 And what I ended up doing is I had a hippie boyfriend, 358 00:15:30,060 --> 00:15:33,480 had really long hair and the first time I slept with him, 359 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:34,520 I got pregnant. 360 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,520 So I got pregnant when I was 17. 361 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,420 And so as soon as I graduated from high school, 362 00:15:40,420 --> 00:15:41,880 we got married. 363 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:43,720 I'm Jewish and he was Jewish 364 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,160 and so we even had a Jewish wedding. 365 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,280 He just had to wear a wig because my dad wouldn't let him go 366 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,500 with his long hair for the wedding. 367 00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:55,020 But anyway, so we got married, I turned 18, 368 00:15:55,020 --> 00:16:00,020 I had my baby Andy and then my husband died in an accident. 369 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:03,640 One year later when Andy was a year old. 370 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:08,640 So I became a model and I went on the road modeling 371 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,960 and I took my son with me and I ended up in San Francisco. 372 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,740 And in those days, like my solution to life 373 00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:18,480 was like to find somebody to take care of me. 374 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,200 In those days, it was always a guy 375 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,560 and it was usually get married 376 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:22,720 and have them take care of you. 377 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,960 And so I moved in with this artist. 378 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,360 My son was then about three years old. 379 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:30,760 And then when I was living with the artists, 380 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:31,740 we were kind of poor. 381 00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:34,840 We lived in a canning factory in San Francisco. 382 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,560 Before it was really cool to live in a factory. 383 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:41,080 It was, anyway, I lived there and one day I woke up 384 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,900 and I decided, I don't know if it was one day I woke up, 385 00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:45,920 but I decided I should marry a doctor. 386 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,720 That if I married a doctor, it would solve all my problems. 387 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,400 He would have money and he would take care of me. 388 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:52,240 Those two things. 389 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,700 So I lived in San Francisco and I thought, 390 00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:57,520 well, where can you meet a doctor? 391 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,500 And I thought Palm Springs, Las Vegas, or Lake Tahoe. 392 00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,160 I'd never been to any of those places before. 393 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,340 And I ended up going to Lake Tahoe. 394 00:17:05,340 --> 00:17:08,160 And four days later, I married a doctor 395 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,760 that I met there at the gambling tables. 396 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:11,600 Which I always say, 397 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:15,480 don't doubt the will of an alcoholic woman, right? 398 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,280 He said what attracted him to me, he thought I was pretty. 399 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,520 And he liked the way I drank tequila 400 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,120 at two o'clock in the afternoon. 401 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:24,040 So we got married by Reverend Love 402 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:27,160 at the Lake Tahoe Wedding Chapel four days after we met. 403 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,060 Then I had to go back and tell the artist 404 00:17:29,060 --> 00:17:31,080 that not only was I not marrying him, 405 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:34,000 but I was moving out and taking my son. 406 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,600 I had to introduce my son to his new father. 407 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,280 I called my sister who was very Jewish. 408 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:42,040 Her name was Pam Horwitz and I called her and I said, 409 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:45,080 oh, guess what, you're gonna be so proud of me. 410 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:46,600 I did it, I married a doctor. 411 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,480 She said, so what's your new last name? 412 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:49,720 And I said, Biscarin. 413 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,920 She said, what kind of name is Biscarin? 414 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,440 I said, I think we're Italian. 415 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,180 And to tell you the truth, he was Mexican, 416 00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:57,400 but I didn't know it 'cause we had known each other 417 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,760 really well after four days. 418 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:02,680 So I said, oh, she said, what kind of name is that? 419 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,120 I said, I think we're Italian. 420 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,560 And she says, I told you to marry a Jewish doctor 421 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,500 and she hung up the phone. 422 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:11,040 Anyway, we were, it's a weird story, 423 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,740 but I was married to him for 47 years, 424 00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:15,720 not with him all that time. 425 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,720 He just passed away a year ago, but after we, 426 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:22,200 so we had, so he adopted my son Andy 427 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,160 because my son Andy's father had died. 428 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:29,080 And then we had a son, Michael, who is also a doctor. 429 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:33,720 And my ex-husband died like about a year ago now. 430 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:36,000 And he was still the head of our family. 431 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,560 Like he took care of all of us. 432 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,400 So it's been a bit of a hard year for all of, 433 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,360 for my sons and myself. 434 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:46,640 My one son that's a doctor, it was really close to his dad. 435 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,320 And my other son used to be sober. 436 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:53,280 He's the one that I followed into PG, into Pacific group. 437 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:55,520 But he, I don't think he's sober now. 438 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:59,380 I can't tell, but he doesn't go to AA meetings. 439 00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:01,520 And frankly, I'm really worried about him 440 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,480 because there's weird drugs out there now. 441 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,480 And I think he's not sober, 442 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:08,520 but I also have gone enough myself to Al-Anon 443 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,360 to know that I can't get him sober. 444 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:16,000 I mean, I did get him to go to our Saturday night meeting 445 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,960 and give me a cake for 21 years recently. 446 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,860 And he did that and everybody was so glad to see him 447 00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:24,320 because everybody in our group loved him 448 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:25,560 and they wish he was back. 449 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:29,360 But I just have to keep praying that he doesn't die. 450 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:32,640 He also has a son who's gonna turn 14 tomorrow. 451 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,280 And my son Andy is divorced, 452 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:37,320 so he doesn't have his son a lot. 453 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:41,640 But so in all of this, I don't know if it sounds like, 454 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,680 "Oh my God, she's had a horrible life." 455 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,400 Or, "Oh my God, she's had an exciting life." 456 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:50,080 What I will tell you is that since I've been sober 457 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,560 and even in my old sobriety, 458 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:54,840 but definitely for the past 21 years, 459 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:57,400 the most important thing to me is to stay sober 460 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,420 because again, I know that I can't have my sons in my life. 461 00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:02,320 I can't take care of my grandson. 462 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:06,740 My life, I mean, I still work. 463 00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:09,900 I have a really good job and I wouldn't have any of this. 464 00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:11,900 I wouldn't have friends like Debbie. 465 00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:15,480 And obviously I wouldn't be sponsoring Little Veronica there 466 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,240 but I'm so grateful. 467 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,840 And all I did was I did when she's very, very, 468 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:22,880 very thorough about doing the steps. 469 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,600 And I think that what I've heard 470 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,560 from the years I've been here was that, 471 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,600 we can go to AA meetings and we can do all this stuff, 472 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,680 but unless we work the steps, 473 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,760 we don't get to be exactly happy, joyous and free. 474 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,400 And I don't know if I can even use those words. 475 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,760 I'll describe myself. 476 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,400 I don't know if I'd ever say I'm happy, joyous and free. 477 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:42,520 I am free. 478 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:43,560 I love my life. 479 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:44,880 I love my friends. 480 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:49,880 I love that I go to work and I love the meetings in LA. 481 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:53,420 I was gonna move away from here at one time. 482 00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:58,040 And I realized that for me, the meetings are so important 483 00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:01,880 because again, because I struggled so much with being sober 484 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,200 that it's really important to me to go to meetings a lot 485 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:06,400 and wanna go to meetings. 486 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,880 And I love the meetings here. 487 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:10,160 All of them, not just the PG meetings. 488 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:15,160 I, for some reason, not 'cause of Sydney, I don't think, 489 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:16,680 but I'm speaking a lot. 490 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,920 So I'm speaking in San Pedro coming up 491 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:20,640 and then I'm speaking in Big Bear 492 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:25,120 and I'm speaking at the 502 Club in Covina. 493 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:27,120 And speaking's not my favorite thing, 494 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,680 but I'll tell you what I love about it. 495 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,640 I love that I can come in this room 496 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:34,320 and hope that I said something that one of the newcomers 497 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,440 that makes them wanna keep coming back 498 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,600 and that you guys were so lovely 499 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,720 to spend your Saturday night with me. 500 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:45,400 I normally go to a meeting on Saturday night in Santa Monica 501 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:50,040 where I had a big commitment for the past year. 502 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:51,840 And then now there's a new secretary 503 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:53,280 and I didn't take a commitment 504 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,800 'cause it's kinda hard to never be able to, 505 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,720 always have to wear a dress on Saturday 506 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,080 and never be able to go out of town on the weekend. 507 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,080 Not that I really go out of town that much, 508 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:03,680 but I didn't take the commitment, 509 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,880 but I still go to that meeting when I can. 510 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:07,920 I go to a meeting that Debbie goes to 511 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,200 on Monday and Wednesday and every day, 512 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,080 and I heard this, somebody shared this 513 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:16,000 at my woman's stash that I go to last night, 514 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,440 that the most important, 515 00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:19,920 one of the most important things for me to do too 516 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:23,000 is focus on not what's going wrong in my life 517 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,920 or what I don't have, but gratitude. 518 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:28,280 And I do believe that whatever we focus on gets bigger. 519 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,840 So, and even somebody said, 520 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,320 the girl that was sharing said it doesn't matter 521 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,280 when she does a gratitude list every day, 522 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,040 whether it's one thing or 10 things, 523 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,520 but let's look at what we have to be grateful for. 524 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,200 And the truth is that when I'm not sober, 525 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:43,600 I'm physically dying. 526 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:47,240 And so if I got nothing else from being sober, 527 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:50,240 but being somewhat healthy and alive 528 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:53,160 and able to participate in life and continue 529 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:57,760 on this beautiful path that I've been given 530 00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:01,200 and that I watch a lot of other people in AA, 531 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,200 and I try to be like the people 532 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:05,080 that I see that are of service. 533 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:07,520 I know a lot of people that are very much of service. 534 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:09,640 They're the people that are at the meeting, 535 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,040 setting up the chairs. 536 00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,880 They're not always the secretary or having the big jobs. 537 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,360 They're just being of service. 538 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:18,840 And the one thing that I also believe is I believe that 539 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:22,520 in the principle that of, I don't know how to say it, 540 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,480 but one of my ways of being of service 541 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:27,960 is to be kind to everybody. 542 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,400 So not just AA people. 543 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:32,680 So be kind to the people in the store where you're shopping. 544 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,440 And I'm the person that lets cars cut in front of me. 545 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,960 If they need to get over, I just go, come on. 546 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:40,520 That's been, I think we all have gifts in life. 547 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:41,960 Like we're born with gifts. 548 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,240 And I think one, I guess I'm gonna call it a gift 549 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,440 is that I wanna be of service to people 550 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:48,640 and I wanna help people. 551 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:50,720 And it doesn't matter who it is. 552 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,320 The other night I was at my meeting 553 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,040 and I was sitting next to a guy and I said, 554 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:55,840 I wish I was more of service. 555 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,600 And he said, well, Penny, I think you're really of service. 556 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,480 Like he's known me a long time. 557 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,880 And he says, you sponsor girls, et cetera. 558 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:03,720 And I said, yeah. 559 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:07,760 But in our reading, it was already said tonight 560 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:11,600 that this is just about one alcoholic talking to another. 561 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,680 And tonight I had the pleasure of coming in here 562 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:14,960 and talking to you. 563 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,720 And I love you guys. 564 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:19,920 And I would love to hear your story sometime 565 00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:22,080 because I think our stories are fascinating. 566 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:23,880 Anyway, I didn't see any lights, 567 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,040 but it seems like it's only been an hour and a half. 568 00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:29,120 I've been on (indistinct) 569 00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:30,160 - Seven minutes. 570 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:33,360 - Oh, well, I'll probably end early, 571 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:36,760 but I'm thinking if there's anything else I can share. 572 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:40,560 I think I already said that one of the joys is sponsoring 573 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:44,480 and working with Veronica, having friends like Debbie. 574 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:47,200 And for the people that are new, 575 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:51,360 I promise you on both of my son and my grandson's life 576 00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:52,600 that it's gonna get better. 577 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,640 And I know in the beginning for me, 578 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:56,640 it was all I could do to just hang on. 579 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:59,200 But every day that I've stayed sober, 580 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,080 my life has gotten richer and richer 581 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:04,200 and I hope it continues that way. 582 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,240 And I hope it does that for all of you too. 583 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,900 and thank you for paying a 12 step call on me.