1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,480 - My name's Wayne Butler, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,480 --> 00:00:02,300 - Is there money? 3 00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:03,140 - My head cut off? 4 00:00:03,140 --> 00:00:04,340 No, we're good. 5 00:00:04,340 --> 00:00:05,620 Concerned about myself. 6 00:00:05,620 --> 00:00:07,080 Wayne alcoholic. 7 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:08,220 Handsome invite me, Ben. 8 00:00:08,220 --> 00:00:09,460 I was over here a couple of months ago 9 00:00:09,460 --> 00:00:12,340 when my friend Marty was speaking and I got caught. 10 00:00:12,340 --> 00:00:13,660 So that's all, that's all. 11 00:00:13,660 --> 00:00:16,100 So, you know, just give me a little preview. 12 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:16,940 It's AA life. 13 00:00:16,940 --> 00:00:18,300 How many of you are in your first year? 14 00:00:18,300 --> 00:00:19,380 So I get a beat on you. 15 00:00:19,380 --> 00:00:20,680 Everybody's got more than a year? 16 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:21,520 Thank you, thank you. 17 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:22,840 Good, all right. 18 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,960 Last, three weeks ago, I was in Hawaii. 19 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:26,760 Week before that I was in Roanoke, Virginia 20 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,700 with a men's retreat around this beautiful lake. 21 00:00:28,700 --> 00:00:31,140 Last week, I was on the beach in St. Pete Beach, Florida 22 00:00:31,140 --> 00:00:32,260 doing a workshop. 23 00:00:32,260 --> 00:00:34,060 And this week I'm in Reseda. 24 00:00:34,060 --> 00:00:36,700 I used to go to the group when it was lights and session. 25 00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:40,020 And I'd heard that you'd, they'd split off 26 00:00:40,020 --> 00:00:40,860 and started another group. 27 00:00:40,860 --> 00:00:42,500 And I found that when I came with Marty. 28 00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:44,480 I love you, my own group, specific group. 29 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:48,420 My sponsor is Boston Tommy Mar out of St. Petersburg, Florida. 30 00:00:48,420 --> 00:00:51,560 My previous sponsor was Tom Ivester, Clancy Imisland, 31 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:54,180 and my first sponsor, William Barney Barnett. 32 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,360 So I've got great training in AA. 33 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:57,860 And I want you to know I've been trained. 34 00:00:57,860 --> 00:01:00,660 And I say it like that because I think that's the best 35 00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:02,300 asset of groups like this. 36 00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:03,860 I know, I know where you guys come from. 37 00:01:03,860 --> 00:01:05,820 So I know your group is a training group 38 00:01:05,820 --> 00:01:07,820 and we train each other the AA way. 39 00:01:07,820 --> 00:01:10,300 We train each other to be respectful, to be courteous, 40 00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:11,820 to clean up our act. 41 00:01:11,820 --> 00:01:14,340 And that is no easy job for Wayne Butler, 42 00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:15,260 I have to tell you the truth. 43 00:01:15,260 --> 00:01:18,260 But I acquiesced, if you will. 44 00:01:18,260 --> 00:01:21,160 My sobriety day is 8th of November, 1977. 45 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:23,660 That's 46 years, six months and 17 days, 46 00:01:23,660 --> 00:01:24,880 but who's counting? 47 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,380 This is kind of a cheesy thing. 48 00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:28,860 You hear it a lot, but I think it's accurate. 49 00:01:28,860 --> 00:01:30,700 I'm here on the shoulders of giants. 50 00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:32,860 I owe such a debt. 51 00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,120 And as you, as I unfold my story, 52 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:36,440 you'll understand what I mean. 53 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,940 How I owe, I am one who is grateful he's an alcoholic. 54 00:01:39,940 --> 00:01:42,540 And I know that's an absurd thing to hear, but I am. 55 00:01:42,540 --> 00:01:44,740 And there's a reason why I'm grateful to be an alcoholic. 56 00:01:44,740 --> 00:01:46,240 And I'll share that with you later. 57 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,140 I don't want to pop the surprise just yet. 58 00:01:48,140 --> 00:01:49,660 I remember this guy from the Marina Center 59 00:01:49,660 --> 00:01:50,900 and he was a piece of work. 60 00:01:50,900 --> 00:01:54,780 And Dan, my sponsee of reason, he's my newest sponsee. 61 00:01:54,780 --> 00:01:56,180 Oh, and he got what, three years, four years? 62 00:01:56,180 --> 00:01:57,620 Where you at? 63 00:01:57,620 --> 00:01:58,820 Thank you, no fronts, right? 64 00:01:58,820 --> 00:01:59,820 I gave him a chance. 65 00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:02,360 I'm an alcoholic. 66 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:03,700 I want to become an alcoholic really quick. 67 00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:05,780 Some of you know much of my story. 68 00:02:05,780 --> 00:02:08,380 And so I like to become alcoholic before I tell you my story 69 00:02:08,380 --> 00:02:10,020 because if I tell you my story first, 70 00:02:10,020 --> 00:02:11,460 you might think I'm in the wrong room. 71 00:02:11,460 --> 00:02:14,260 You might think I belong in a psych ward 72 00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:16,220 where I spent most of my life, by the way. 73 00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:17,860 Some people spend their life in prison. 74 00:02:17,860 --> 00:02:20,260 I spent most of my life in psychiatric hospitals. 75 00:02:20,260 --> 00:02:21,940 So I wanted to become an alcoholic first. 76 00:02:21,940 --> 00:02:22,780 And it's so, you know, 77 00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:25,500 Bill devoted four full chapters to step one. 78 00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:27,420 And then he repeated over and over again 79 00:02:27,420 --> 00:02:29,900 that we must get a full knowledge of our condition. 80 00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,100 Not self-knowledge, but a full knowledge of our condition. 81 00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:33,620 I didn't know why that was. 82 00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:36,420 It seemed strange because Clancy would always preach. 83 00:02:36,420 --> 00:02:37,260 Well, he wouldn't preach. 84 00:02:37,260 --> 00:02:40,060 He would say, talk about the disease of perception. 85 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:43,220 And I never quite understood that at first, but I learned. 86 00:02:43,220 --> 00:02:47,380 And I'm so glad I stayed to learn these little conceptions 87 00:02:47,380 --> 00:02:49,340 and misconceptions, by the way. 88 00:02:49,340 --> 00:02:50,580 And you want to read your big book 89 00:02:50,580 --> 00:02:52,180 because a lot of people like me get up here 90 00:02:52,180 --> 00:02:54,580 and start spouting off things are in the big book, 91 00:02:54,580 --> 00:02:57,020 but they're not in the black print. 92 00:02:57,020 --> 00:03:00,060 And so I'm going to try to stick to the black print. 93 00:03:00,060 --> 00:03:03,380 I used to be a big book thump and one book wonder. 94 00:03:03,380 --> 00:03:04,700 That's what my sponsor called me. 95 00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:06,180 Big book thump and one book wonder. 96 00:03:06,180 --> 00:03:08,740 'Cause I would always thump one book, the big book. 97 00:03:08,740 --> 00:03:10,220 All the answers are in the big book. 98 00:03:10,220 --> 00:03:13,060 And he would say to me, don't look like some of yours are. 99 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:15,580 And then he would recite page 164. 100 00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:17,660 We realized we know only a little. 101 00:03:17,660 --> 00:03:20,220 So how can all your answers be in there, you big dummy? 102 00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:21,420 That's how he talked to me. 103 00:03:21,420 --> 00:03:22,260 Really rude. 104 00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:24,740 I was awakened to the three primary books of alcoholics. 105 00:03:24,740 --> 00:03:27,460 Now I'm just a big book to 12 and 12 and 80 comes of age. 106 00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:29,860 And I found myself in the first four chapters, 107 00:03:29,860 --> 00:03:32,300 I found loophole after loophole after loophole. 108 00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:34,260 I can find ways not to be alcoholic 109 00:03:34,260 --> 00:03:35,900 by the way the big book is written. 110 00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:36,740 Anybody can. 111 00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:39,020 But I could not defeat chapter four 112 00:03:39,020 --> 00:03:40,900 and I could not defeat the 12 and 12. 113 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:43,980 Because the 12 and 12 gave my emotional symptoms 114 00:03:43,980 --> 00:03:46,420 more clearer than any of the psychiatrist 115 00:03:46,420 --> 00:03:47,380 that I've had in my life. 116 00:03:47,380 --> 00:03:48,980 And so I'm a chapter four alcoholic. 117 00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:52,100 And I say that because the title of it is We Agnostics. 118 00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:55,100 And the reason I didn't, I refused to read that chapter 119 00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:56,460 because I'm a believer. 120 00:03:56,460 --> 00:03:58,460 So I told my sponsor, if I read that, 121 00:03:58,460 --> 00:04:00,900 won't God think I'm not sure of myself? 122 00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:03,460 And he looked at me and he says, you are SOS. 123 00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:04,300 And I said, what's that? 124 00:04:04,300 --> 00:04:05,700 He said, you're stuck on stupid. 125 00:04:05,700 --> 00:04:08,660 And he finally got me to read chapter four. 126 00:04:08,660 --> 00:04:09,700 And I'm so glad he did 127 00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:11,260 because I became an alcoholic that day. 128 00:04:11,260 --> 00:04:12,260 And here's what it says. 129 00:04:12,260 --> 00:04:13,580 I'm gonna put it in the first person. 130 00:04:13,580 --> 00:04:16,660 It's on page 44 if you're interested, sentence three. 131 00:04:16,660 --> 00:04:18,100 If when I honestly want to, 132 00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:20,220 do I find I cannot quit drinking entirely? 133 00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:21,060 You know, I've taken a, 134 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:23,660 how many of you have taken a John Hopkins 20 question test? 135 00:04:23,660 --> 00:04:24,580 Are you an alcoholic? 136 00:04:24,580 --> 00:04:26,100 I know many of you probably have. 137 00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:28,740 And I don't mean no disrespect if that test helped you. 138 00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:30,260 But personally, I think it's the dumbest test 139 00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,100 I've ever seen in my life. 140 00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:32,100 Now I'll tell you what, 141 00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:33,660 are there any read aheaders here? 142 00:04:33,660 --> 00:04:35,420 You know what I mean by read ahead, right? 143 00:04:35,420 --> 00:04:37,620 Yeah, like when I get a new book, 144 00:04:37,620 --> 00:04:39,300 I read the ending, see if I like it. 145 00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,340 If I don't, why waste my time reading the book? 146 00:04:41,340 --> 00:04:42,700 And they gave me that little card. 147 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:44,820 I was in the Navy when I first got that card. 148 00:04:44,820 --> 00:04:47,020 And I wasn't an alcoholic, in my opinion. 149 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,180 And they gave me this card with 20 questions on it. 150 00:04:49,180 --> 00:04:50,820 It was at that time, it was a yellow card. 151 00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:53,100 And they put the quantification of the test 152 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:55,140 right at the bottom for everybody to see. 153 00:04:55,140 --> 00:04:56,020 And it goes like this. 154 00:04:56,020 --> 00:04:58,740 If you answer yes to one question, one, 155 00:04:58,740 --> 00:05:00,020 you might be alcoholic. 156 00:05:00,020 --> 00:05:03,300 If you answer yes to two, you are probably alcoholic. 157 00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:05,060 If you answer yes to three or more, 158 00:05:05,060 --> 00:05:06,620 you are definitely alcoholic. 159 00:05:06,620 --> 00:05:07,860 Well, I know they're not getting three. 160 00:05:07,860 --> 00:05:08,900 I don't care what's on the test. 161 00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:10,300 My question is, do I give them one or two? 162 00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:11,700 I don't want them to think I'm lying. 163 00:05:11,700 --> 00:05:14,660 So I'm prepared for 20 questions in here too. 164 00:05:14,660 --> 00:05:17,580 And my sponsor had this ability to take these statements 165 00:05:17,580 --> 00:05:19,060 and turn them into questions for me. 166 00:05:19,060 --> 00:05:20,740 And so that's what he did here. 167 00:05:20,740 --> 00:05:23,820 Question number one, if what I want to, do I find, 168 00:05:23,820 --> 00:05:25,820 if what I honestly want to, 169 00:05:25,820 --> 00:05:27,860 do I find that can I quit drinking entirely? 170 00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:29,780 And we started going back to my drinking history. 171 00:05:29,780 --> 00:05:31,140 When I was in the United States Navy, 172 00:05:31,140 --> 00:05:32,300 I wanted that to be my career. 173 00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:33,220 I loved the military. 174 00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:34,180 I loved everything about it. 175 00:05:34,180 --> 00:05:35,460 I loved the esprit de corps. 176 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,580 I had a chest full of medals from Vietnam. 177 00:05:37,580 --> 00:05:39,780 I had it made, if you want to know the truth, 178 00:05:39,780 --> 00:05:41,660 going in the Navy, staying in the Navy. 179 00:05:41,660 --> 00:05:42,900 But they wanted me not to drink. 180 00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:44,860 You know, something about when the ship's gone 181 00:05:44,860 --> 00:05:47,740 and you're supposed to be on it bothers them a little bit. 182 00:05:47,740 --> 00:05:50,580 We was in Subic Bay, Philippines, and I fell in love. 183 00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:52,020 And when I got back to the ship Monday, 184 00:05:52,020 --> 00:05:52,860 there wasn't no ship. 185 00:05:52,860 --> 00:05:54,340 I thought, uh-oh. 186 00:05:54,340 --> 00:05:56,500 And, but I didn't blame it on drinking. 187 00:05:56,500 --> 00:05:57,340 I blamed it on her. 188 00:05:57,340 --> 00:05:58,580 She kept me busy. 189 00:05:58,580 --> 00:06:01,020 So there were times I honestly wanted to quit drinking. 190 00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:01,860 Anybody else? 191 00:06:01,860 --> 00:06:04,020 I honestly wanted to, and I found I couldn't. 192 00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:05,380 And that was baffling to me. 193 00:06:05,380 --> 00:06:07,100 And if you know, Bill wrote how it works, 194 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,340 alcohol, not disease, alcohol. 195 00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:10,820 Cunning, baffling, powerful. 196 00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:11,980 And it was so baffling to me 197 00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:13,900 why I couldn't just drink one or two and stop 198 00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:16,340 because I know the science of ethanol alcohol. 199 00:06:16,340 --> 00:06:18,380 And the science is a proven fact. 200 00:06:18,380 --> 00:06:19,580 Alcohol is not addictive. 201 00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,620 I don't care what the moneymakers tell you. 202 00:06:21,620 --> 00:06:23,660 Alcohol is not addictive by nature. 203 00:06:23,660 --> 00:06:25,460 Nine out of 10 people can drink safely. 204 00:06:25,460 --> 00:06:27,540 You can't even make someone an alcoholic. 205 00:06:27,540 --> 00:06:29,300 You pour enough booze down somebody's gullet, 206 00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:30,140 that's not gonna make them alcohol. 207 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:31,820 It's gonna piss them off is what it's gonna do. 208 00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:33,780 And normal social drinkers that quit 209 00:06:33,780 --> 00:06:35,740 when they're starting to feel us. 210 00:06:35,740 --> 00:06:36,820 My sister's one of them. 211 00:06:36,820 --> 00:06:38,820 I go bowling with my sister when I'm back in town 212 00:06:38,820 --> 00:06:39,820 'cause I'm the younger brother. 213 00:06:39,820 --> 00:06:41,180 And so I have to kiss her butt. 214 00:06:41,180 --> 00:06:44,260 And I go get her shoes and I go get her a drink. 215 00:06:44,260 --> 00:06:46,140 Slow gin and orange on ice. 216 00:06:46,140 --> 00:06:47,500 I never understood ice. 217 00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:49,740 Why do people put ice in alcohol? 218 00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:51,780 There's volume involved here. 219 00:06:51,780 --> 00:06:53,420 And I get her drink and I swear to God, 220 00:06:53,420 --> 00:06:54,900 we'll be bowling for an hour and a half 221 00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:56,060 and that drink is still there. 222 00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:58,140 And I'm watching the ice melt, I swear to God. 223 00:06:58,140 --> 00:06:59,340 And I don't know if you noticed this or not, 224 00:06:59,340 --> 00:07:01,140 but when the ice melts in a mixed drink, 225 00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:03,860 the water floats to the top because it's lighter than liquor 226 00:07:03,860 --> 00:07:05,540 and it's like drowning alcohol, correct? 227 00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:07,460 And so I'm saying to my sister, you gonna drink that? 228 00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:08,660 And she says, why, is it bothering? 229 00:07:08,660 --> 00:07:09,700 I said, yeah. 230 00:07:09,700 --> 00:07:10,940 And she's, well, don't look at it. 231 00:07:10,940 --> 00:07:12,700 And I just wanna punch her right in the mouth. 232 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,780 It took her two hours to drink that first drink. 233 00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:16,900 And then she says, will you get me another one? 234 00:07:16,900 --> 00:07:18,100 No, I can't take it. 235 00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:19,220 So I go get another one. 236 00:07:19,220 --> 00:07:21,380 She drinks half of it and we're done bowling. 237 00:07:21,380 --> 00:07:23,620 We put our shoes up and I asked her, 238 00:07:23,620 --> 00:07:26,100 are you just gonna leave that there? 239 00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,820 She says, yeah, I've had enough. 240 00:07:27,820 --> 00:07:28,660 And I said, what? 241 00:07:28,660 --> 00:07:30,100 She says, I'm starting to feel it. 242 00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:31,900 And I said, feel what? 243 00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:33,620 I don't understand what you're saying. 244 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,020 And she takes her keys out of her purse and hands them to me. 245 00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:38,180 She said, here, you better drive, I've been drinking. 246 00:07:38,180 --> 00:07:40,620 I said, Sharon, you don't understand alcohol at all. 247 00:07:40,620 --> 00:07:41,820 Let me explain something to you. 248 00:07:41,820 --> 00:07:43,300 Creation designed all human beings 249 00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,740 to be able to metabolize one ounce of alcohol per hour. 250 00:07:45,740 --> 00:07:46,580 This is a fact. 251 00:07:46,580 --> 00:07:48,940 Creation designed us to be able to metabolize 252 00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:50,540 one ounce of alcohol per hour. 253 00:07:50,540 --> 00:07:52,940 You've had one and a half ounces in three and a half hours. 254 00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:54,140 There's none in your blood. 255 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,020 What are you feeling? 256 00:07:55,020 --> 00:07:55,900 She didn't care. 257 00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:58,220 She just said, I don't think it's safe for me to drive. 258 00:07:58,220 --> 00:07:59,180 And I said to her, I said, 259 00:07:59,180 --> 00:08:00,940 would you mind telling me what it is you're feeling? 260 00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:01,980 And I was being serious. 261 00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:04,700 And she says, I'm feeling like I'm gonna lose control. 262 00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:07,140 And she gave me the answer that's been plaguing me. 263 00:08:07,140 --> 00:08:09,300 The difference between me and them. 264 00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:10,740 When they start drinking, 265 00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:13,260 they begin to feel like they're gonna lose control. 266 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:15,380 And unless they're partying heavy, they stop. 267 00:08:15,380 --> 00:08:17,540 I feel like I'm gaining control. 268 00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:19,940 That's the difference between me and them. 269 00:08:19,940 --> 00:08:22,700 They're beginning to lose control and they don't want to. 270 00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:24,180 I don't understand that at all. 271 00:08:24,180 --> 00:08:25,780 But I'm feeling and I'm gaining control. 272 00:08:25,780 --> 00:08:27,660 And that's part one. 273 00:08:27,660 --> 00:08:30,380 If I actually want to, I cannot put drinking entirely. 274 00:08:30,380 --> 00:08:31,420 So there's one yes. 275 00:08:31,420 --> 00:08:33,180 Next one, or if when drinking, 276 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,900 do I have little control of the amount I take? 277 00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:36,980 Once again, I can't lie about this. 278 00:08:36,980 --> 00:08:38,820 I'm screwed, I'm two for two. 279 00:08:38,820 --> 00:08:40,420 I don't wanna take the rest of the test. 280 00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:42,540 And fortunately for me, the test is over. 281 00:08:42,540 --> 00:08:44,700 Then it says, you are probably alcoholic. 282 00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:46,580 And I thought, that was close, probably. 283 00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:48,940 And I found out those of us who died drunk and loaded, 284 00:08:48,940 --> 00:08:51,580 most of us died between probably and definitely. 285 00:08:51,580 --> 00:08:52,420 And if you're newer, 286 00:08:52,420 --> 00:08:56,500 I cannot tell you when I went from probably to definitely. 287 00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:58,220 But it was somewhere in my training period. 288 00:08:58,220 --> 00:09:00,220 It was somewhere in that first year or two 289 00:09:00,220 --> 00:09:02,420 where I was being trained the AA way. 290 00:09:02,420 --> 00:09:05,100 Somewhere between the first hundred speakers I heard. 291 00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:07,660 Somewhere between that 50th pot of coffee I made. 292 00:09:07,660 --> 00:09:10,180 I made bad coffee 'cause I didn't want that commitment. 293 00:09:10,180 --> 00:09:13,740 I made coffee so bad it made the Navy look like Starbucks. 294 00:09:13,740 --> 00:09:16,700 Oh, Curly, Curly was just a mean SOB. 295 00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:19,180 He was a body shop, body, body shop guy. 296 00:09:19,180 --> 00:09:21,300 And just as surly as you can be. 297 00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:25,300 And he would come up to me and we got this 30 cup urn, right? 298 00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,740 I would put five cups of browns in there 299 00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:28,900 and it would be like soup. 300 00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,900 And Curly would swirl around. 301 00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:31,860 He would take a drink. 302 00:09:31,860 --> 00:09:34,420 He'd say, boy, that's really stout coffee there, newcomers. 303 00:09:34,420 --> 00:09:35,500 You keep coming back. 304 00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:38,060 I couldn't get fired from the coffee commitment for nothing. 305 00:09:38,060 --> 00:09:41,180 So somewhere between that, going to two meetings a day, 306 00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:43,340 three meetings a day till I got a job. 307 00:09:43,340 --> 00:09:45,460 Somewhere in all these things, 308 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,460 I was pulled without my knowing it 309 00:09:47,460 --> 00:09:48,940 from probably to definitely. 310 00:09:48,940 --> 00:09:51,380 Perhaps it was in step two, maybe step three. 311 00:09:51,380 --> 00:09:52,220 I don't know. 312 00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:53,100 And unlike our first speaker, 313 00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:54,140 thank you for sharing, by the way. 314 00:09:54,140 --> 00:09:55,260 Unlike our first speaker, 315 00:09:55,260 --> 00:09:58,020 I come from a real traumatic childhood. 316 00:09:58,020 --> 00:10:01,140 I'm gonna tell you just two stories for the sake of time. 317 00:10:01,140 --> 00:10:03,220 When I was nine years old. 318 00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:06,020 That was back in the day when it was a very violent home. 319 00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:10,460 My father is a self admitted alcoholic. 320 00:10:10,460 --> 00:10:11,780 He drove truck out of Chicago. 321 00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:13,340 He was a union teamsters. 322 00:10:13,340 --> 00:10:15,060 He was steward for the teamsters. 323 00:10:15,060 --> 00:10:17,180 And he worked for a guy named Jimmy Hoffa out of Michigan. 324 00:10:17,180 --> 00:10:18,380 My dad was a bone breaker. 325 00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:21,060 My dad was a tough guy and he wanted me to be a tough guy. 326 00:10:21,060 --> 00:10:22,220 And I wrote poetry. 327 00:10:22,220 --> 00:10:24,420 I didn't know that's what it was, but he knew what it was. 328 00:10:24,420 --> 00:10:27,340 I have this gift with words, writing words. 329 00:10:27,340 --> 00:10:30,620 And I didn't know that that was a gift, but I could, 330 00:10:30,620 --> 00:10:33,260 when I was nine years old, I was walking home from school 331 00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:35,100 and a neighbor guy pulled me into his basement. 332 00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:37,540 Back then, this is in the 1950s. 333 00:10:37,540 --> 00:10:38,460 I mean, I'm old. 334 00:10:38,460 --> 00:10:41,220 In the 1950s, all houses in my hometown 335 00:10:41,220 --> 00:10:42,660 were heated with coal. 336 00:10:42,660 --> 00:10:44,700 And so we all had coal bins in our basements. 337 00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:46,980 They would load the coal through the basement window. 338 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,420 And he locked me in that coal bin. 339 00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:49,860 He chained me to the coal bin 340 00:10:49,860 --> 00:10:51,220 and he tortured me for three days. 341 00:10:51,220 --> 00:10:52,060 He raped me. 342 00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:52,900 He put things in my body. 343 00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:53,740 He beat me. 344 00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:54,660 He burned my body. 345 00:10:54,660 --> 00:10:56,580 And on Monday morning, he took me naked 346 00:10:56,580 --> 00:10:58,020 and threw me out in the street and told me, 347 00:10:58,020 --> 00:10:59,980 if I told anybody, he would kill me and my family. 348 00:10:59,980 --> 00:11:00,820 And I knew he would. 349 00:11:00,820 --> 00:11:01,860 And I never told a soul. 350 00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:03,660 And I want to tell you about the power of step five. 351 00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:05,100 The first time I owned up to what, 352 00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:06,140 I wouldn't tell the police. 353 00:11:06,140 --> 00:11:07,140 I wouldn't tell my family. 354 00:11:07,140 --> 00:11:07,980 I told nobody. 355 00:11:07,980 --> 00:11:08,800 I shut my mouth. 356 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:09,900 That didn't make me alcoholic. 357 00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:12,180 I want you to hear something and this is critically important. 358 00:11:12,180 --> 00:11:13,820 It did not make me alcoholic, 359 00:11:13,820 --> 00:11:15,740 but it added fuel to that fire. 360 00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:16,940 It has to be solved. 361 00:11:16,940 --> 00:11:18,120 It has to be resolved. 362 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,620 Some people out there want to make it 363 00:11:19,620 --> 00:11:21,140 have nothing to do with alcoholism. 364 00:11:21,140 --> 00:11:22,660 And I know that's not what you did. 365 00:11:22,660 --> 00:11:24,580 And I'm glad because I would have said something you did 366 00:11:24,580 --> 00:11:28,160 because it's so dangerous to tell me 367 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,300 that that didn't affect me about drinking. 368 00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:33,220 Because what happened was I discovered that the disease 369 00:11:33,220 --> 00:11:35,500 that they call it a disease is arrested 370 00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:36,660 when we stopped drinking. 371 00:11:36,660 --> 00:11:38,220 And if you're new, I want you to know this. 372 00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:41,060 The disease is arrested the minute you stop drinking 373 00:11:41,060 --> 00:11:42,440 and the obsession lifts. 374 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,360 The disease is arrested. 375 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,200 There's nothing trying to get you. 376 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:47,460 There's nothing wanting you dead. 377 00:11:47,460 --> 00:11:48,760 I had a guy ask me to sponsor him a cup. 378 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,520 We spoke at the club that Dan and I go to. 379 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:52,660 And he starts out by telling him my disease wants me dead. 380 00:11:52,660 --> 00:11:54,180 And I said, I'm gonna have you dead here in a minute. 381 00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:55,600 You keep that crap up. 382 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:58,220 And he says, my disease is doing pushups in the parking lot. 383 00:11:58,220 --> 00:11:59,060 And I said, come with me. 384 00:11:59,060 --> 00:12:00,260 He went out to the parking lot. 385 00:12:00,260 --> 00:12:01,500 And I got down on my hands and knees 386 00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:02,620 and looked underneath the car. 387 00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:03,860 I looked around and he says, what are you doing? 388 00:12:03,860 --> 00:12:06,180 I said, I'm looking for your freaking disease. 389 00:12:06,180 --> 00:12:08,060 It's gotta be down here somewhere doing pushups. 390 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:11,340 I wanted him to feel so mocked that he would listen 391 00:12:11,340 --> 00:12:12,740 and hear what I was trying to say. 392 00:12:12,740 --> 00:12:15,100 There is nothing trying to get you. 393 00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:17,740 And that thing that's in your head, it's not your disease. 394 00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:20,060 It's selfishness and self-centeredness. 395 00:12:20,060 --> 00:12:22,820 See, because otherwise I can't do this program. 396 00:12:22,820 --> 00:12:25,340 'Cause this program is based on a spiritual malady. 397 00:12:25,340 --> 00:12:26,880 It's not based on anything else. 398 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,740 It's based on a spiritual malady. 399 00:12:28,740 --> 00:12:32,660 You see AA is not designed to treat disease of any kind 400 00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:35,980 or this room wouldn't be even close enough 401 00:12:35,980 --> 00:12:36,980 to hold a regular meeting 402 00:12:36,980 --> 00:12:38,980 'cause cancer people would be running in here. 403 00:12:38,980 --> 00:12:40,680 Diabetics would be running in here. 404 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,220 Tuberculins would be, everybody would have medical disease. 405 00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:47,180 If we could fix a disease, this place would be packed. 406 00:12:47,180 --> 00:12:48,780 He's not designed to treat disease. 407 00:12:48,780 --> 00:12:51,400 And what Dr. Silkworth suggests in his opinion 408 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,740 is that the disease is arrested when we stop drinking 409 00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:58,620 because as he says that the only relief they, 410 00:12:58,620 --> 00:13:00,600 the men and women of medicine and science, 411 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,880 the only relief they have to suggest is entire abstinence. 412 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:04,820 That means don't drink. 413 00:13:04,820 --> 00:13:07,380 And so, and they don't give us nothing about that part 414 00:13:07,380 --> 00:13:10,300 that AA believes in is that I have a spiritual malady 415 00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:11,820 that triggers all of that. 416 00:13:11,820 --> 00:13:14,820 And it's disassociated with the disease, but yet it's linked 417 00:13:14,820 --> 00:13:16,420 because if I pick up a drink, 418 00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:18,060 the disease comes out of arrestments. 419 00:13:18,060 --> 00:13:20,700 I've been sober 46 years, six months and eight, 17 days, 420 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:21,540 one day at a time. 421 00:13:21,540 --> 00:13:24,020 My disease was arrested that day, but I didn't know it 422 00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:26,500 'cause people were telling me it's here forever, the disease. 423 00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:27,740 Yes, it's progressive. 424 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:28,980 Yes, it will always be here. 425 00:13:28,980 --> 00:13:30,980 There's no cure, but it's arrested. 426 00:13:30,980 --> 00:13:32,580 It has nothing to do with my life 427 00:13:32,580 --> 00:13:34,500 unless I give it power in my life. 428 00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:36,020 And what I've learned in alcoholics and ominous 429 00:13:36,020 --> 00:13:37,580 through the tutorship that I've had with these, 430 00:13:37,580 --> 00:13:40,860 here's six of my influencers, my heroes. 431 00:13:40,860 --> 00:13:42,860 I went to my first convention when I was 17. 432 00:13:42,860 --> 00:13:44,600 I was weighed 146 pounds. 433 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,580 Now when you're six foot three and you weigh 146 pounds, 434 00:13:47,580 --> 00:13:48,980 as my friend Marnie would say, 435 00:13:48,980 --> 00:13:51,380 "You are too light to fight and too thin to win." 436 00:13:51,380 --> 00:13:54,620 I had four teeth strategically located to whistle and to win. 437 00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:55,660 (laughing) 438 00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:57,740 I had maggot-like hair. 439 00:13:57,740 --> 00:14:00,980 I had so, I was so sick living on Skid Row. 440 00:14:00,980 --> 00:14:02,740 And this is in the wintertime in Illinois. 441 00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:03,960 So I got it bad. 442 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,940 And I just don't know what to do. 443 00:14:05,940 --> 00:14:06,780 I'm lost. 444 00:14:06,780 --> 00:14:09,540 And my sponsor says, I'm gonna take you to salvation. 445 00:14:09,540 --> 00:14:10,380 I'm gonna take you. 446 00:14:10,380 --> 00:14:11,200 They didn't tell me salvation army. 447 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:12,740 So I'm gonna take you and buy you a new set of clothes. 448 00:14:12,740 --> 00:14:14,060 And I want to take you to meet some friends of mine. 449 00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:16,860 So I'm thinking JC Penny or a surgeon robot. 450 00:14:16,860 --> 00:14:18,200 He's thinking salvation army. 451 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,960 Now this is November of 1977. 452 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,020 It's Thanksgiving day. 453 00:14:23,020 --> 00:14:25,500 And on Friday, the day after the convention starts, 454 00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:27,660 he took me to salvation army that Friday morning 455 00:14:27,660 --> 00:14:28,500 and we went shopping. 456 00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,300 And the only suit they had that would work for me 457 00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:34,300 was a lime green double knit polyester leisure suits. 458 00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:36,340 Some of you guys remember the leisure suits. 459 00:14:36,340 --> 00:14:39,180 He bought me a shirt that was, I thought it was silk. 460 00:14:39,180 --> 00:14:42,260 It was brushed polyester, bright yellow, shiny 461 00:14:42,260 --> 00:14:43,700 with animals around it. 462 00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:44,700 I really thought it was cool. 463 00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:46,500 Had two buttons, none were missing. 464 00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:47,740 Two collars down to here. 465 00:14:47,740 --> 00:14:50,160 Made me wear a tie with it 'cause you're one of those guys. 466 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:51,540 The only shoes they had that would fit me 467 00:14:51,540 --> 00:14:53,180 were these black and brown box toe 468 00:14:53,180 --> 00:14:55,020 Oxford platform disco shoes. 469 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:55,860 So we bought it. 470 00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:57,020 Got out of there for a buck 85. 471 00:14:57,020 --> 00:14:59,680 I went in six foot three, came out six foot eight. 472 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,100 He took me to his trailer, allowed me to take a bath, 473 00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:04,300 which I hadn't taken in months and months and months. 474 00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,260 And I put that hideous suit on. 475 00:15:06,260 --> 00:15:07,860 But I tell you, I thought it was cool. 476 00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:10,420 I have not had any clothes on like that in a long, long time. 477 00:15:10,420 --> 00:15:11,700 And he took me to that convention, 478 00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,680 stood me at the front door and made me a greeter. 479 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,440 You know when they say we're laughing with you? 480 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:16,580 I wasn't laughing. 481 00:15:16,580 --> 00:15:19,620 And the six members of AA that came to give their talk 482 00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:20,900 in Illinois that weekend. 483 00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:23,140 And I know from my own experience now, 484 00:15:23,140 --> 00:15:25,840 Clancy and Chuck C and Norm Alpe 485 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:29,140 never left California on Thanksgiving, except this one. 486 00:15:29,140 --> 00:15:31,860 They all came to this initial convention 487 00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:33,300 in Rock Island, Illinois. 488 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:34,680 They made a pact to come. 489 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:38,260 It was Norm Alpe, Chuck C, Clancy, Johnny H, 490 00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:41,180 Donnie Shore from Radford, sponsored by Alabama brothers 491 00:15:41,180 --> 00:15:43,480 and a guy named Tom Brady Jr. in South North Carolina. 492 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:45,380 And they became my first six influencers 493 00:15:45,380 --> 00:15:48,340 besides my original sponsor, William Barney Barnett. 494 00:15:48,340 --> 00:15:50,580 And those were just the beginning of my influencers. 495 00:15:50,580 --> 00:15:53,540 And as I stayed sober one day at a time, 496 00:15:53,540 --> 00:15:56,200 I became a guy by the name of Father Joe Martin 497 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,040 befriended me. 498 00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,660 He heard about my case and he took my case under his wing. 499 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,260 And he really became a good friend and a helper to me. 500 00:16:03,260 --> 00:16:05,500 Joe and Charlie, I began to run with Joe and Charlie. 501 00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:08,060 I God know I needed some serious help. 502 00:16:08,060 --> 00:16:09,420 And I was in deep, deep trouble 503 00:16:09,420 --> 00:16:11,060 'cause I've been psychiatrically institutional 504 00:16:11,060 --> 00:16:12,020 like 17 times. 505 00:16:12,020 --> 00:16:14,780 I've been psychiatrically diagnosed 21 times 506 00:16:14,780 --> 00:16:16,700 from the age of nine to the age of 27. 507 00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:18,180 I became very violent. 508 00:16:18,180 --> 00:16:20,100 I was in a water town insane asylum 509 00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:21,880 for the criminally insane 14 times. 510 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,180 I self signed in four times. 511 00:16:23,180 --> 00:16:24,140 That's where my girlfriend lived. 512 00:16:24,140 --> 00:16:25,220 She was hot. 513 00:16:25,220 --> 00:16:27,260 She was in there 'cause she murdered her family. 514 00:16:27,260 --> 00:16:28,460 (laughing) 515 00:16:28,460 --> 00:16:31,820 And she was found and capable of standing 516 00:16:31,820 --> 00:16:33,260 in defense of herself. 517 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:34,100 She never left. 518 00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:35,220 She died in there actually. 519 00:16:35,220 --> 00:16:38,340 But my God, I didn't know about sexual restraint 520 00:16:38,340 --> 00:16:39,180 till I met her. 521 00:16:39,180 --> 00:16:40,100 I was in restraints. 522 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,240 Don't judge me. 523 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,100 And I'm not gonna be graphic, 524 00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,940 but I woke up with somebody bothering me 525 00:16:44,940 --> 00:16:47,260 and I thought I like this girl. 526 00:16:47,260 --> 00:16:48,380 'Cause I was in a padded room, 527 00:16:48,380 --> 00:16:49,340 but they didn't lock my door 528 00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:51,220 'cause I was strapped down to a steel bed. 529 00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:52,260 I wouldn't go in anywhere. 530 00:16:52,260 --> 00:16:53,780 And so I was a captive audience for it. 531 00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:54,940 I fell in love right away. 532 00:16:54,940 --> 00:16:58,580 And my diagnosis was psychopath with homicidal tendencies. 533 00:16:58,580 --> 00:17:00,940 You see on February 13th, 1977, 534 00:17:00,940 --> 00:17:02,940 I tried to stay sober too long without a solution. 535 00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:03,880 I tried not to drink. 536 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:05,740 I tried to will myself into not drinking. 537 00:17:05,740 --> 00:17:07,600 And my mother drove down to my dumpster 538 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:08,620 behind Larry's Oasis 539 00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:10,260 and invited me home for Valentine's dinner. 540 00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:12,460 So we got to her house the morning of February 13th. 541 00:17:12,460 --> 00:17:13,580 I'd been going to AA meetings 542 00:17:13,580 --> 00:17:15,180 for four and a half years drinking the whole time. 543 00:17:15,180 --> 00:17:17,760 Not an alcoholic, giving a diagnosis every time I talk. 544 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:18,900 They would say, "Keep coming back." 545 00:17:18,900 --> 00:17:22,320 And my mom said something that I guess it bothered me. 546 00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:23,300 I don't know, but I left her. 547 00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:24,660 I set my mom's house on fire. 548 00:17:24,660 --> 00:17:26,460 I went out and blew up my dad's car. 549 00:17:26,460 --> 00:17:29,140 I went to a meeting with my pistol and my sponsor says, 550 00:17:29,140 --> 00:17:30,380 "Do you know this program works better 551 00:17:30,380 --> 00:17:33,100 "than you won't drink if you don't drink?" 552 00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,300 And I walked to the other side of the room 553 00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:36,420 and 30 feet away, I pulled a .357 out, 554 00:17:36,420 --> 00:17:38,500 pointed at my sponsor's face and fired a round off at him. 555 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:39,940 And I missed him six inches high. 556 00:17:39,940 --> 00:17:41,100 I came to the next morning 557 00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:42,180 at Francis 600 Mental Health Center 558 00:17:42,180 --> 00:17:43,020 in Rock Island, Illinois, 559 00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:44,220 black and blue from head to toe 560 00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:45,860 from a little AA group therapy. 561 00:17:45,860 --> 00:17:47,380 (laughing) 562 00:17:47,380 --> 00:17:49,020 I was black and blue from head to toe. 563 00:17:49,020 --> 00:17:52,260 I found out those are AA's national colors, black and blue. 564 00:17:52,260 --> 00:17:54,220 I had a visitor that morning, my sponsor. 565 00:17:54,220 --> 00:17:55,380 Now it wasn't a big deal to me. 566 00:17:55,380 --> 00:17:57,300 He often visited me in the psych ward. 567 00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:58,960 I don't remember what I did that night. 568 00:17:58,960 --> 00:17:59,860 I was in a blackout. 569 00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:02,820 I had no clue what I'd done the night before, 570 00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:04,260 but I knew I was in a lot of trouble. 571 00:18:04,260 --> 00:18:06,980 And he visited me and he ends up by saying, 572 00:18:06,980 --> 00:18:08,860 he said, "I don't know something wrong with you dummy." 573 00:18:08,860 --> 00:18:11,340 And he says, "And if they let you out of here, 574 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:12,460 "and I don't know that they're going to, 575 00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:13,460 "they're talking about keeping you 576 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:14,780 "and studying you a while." 577 00:18:14,780 --> 00:18:16,300 He says, "But if they do let you out of here, 578 00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:18,320 "if you'll come with me and do what I did and still do, 579 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:19,660 "I believe you can recover too." 580 00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:20,500 And then he left. 581 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,580 It didn't mean anything to me at the time 582 00:18:22,580 --> 00:18:25,420 because I didn't know what I'd done, but that afternoon, 583 00:18:25,420 --> 00:18:28,580 when this psych nurse was going off duty, 584 00:18:28,580 --> 00:18:30,360 she was standing outside my door, 585 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,060 telling the oncoming psych nurse my case. 586 00:18:33,060 --> 00:18:34,300 And that was the first time I heard 587 00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:35,420 what I tried to do that night. 588 00:18:35,420 --> 00:18:36,260 And then the next morning, 589 00:18:36,260 --> 00:18:39,200 they transferred me to the Watertown Insane Asylum, 590 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,700 and I was in there for good, they said. 591 00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:41,900 They said, "I ain't going anywhere." 592 00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:44,140 And now I wouldn't mind being an alcoholic 593 00:18:44,140 --> 00:18:44,980 if you wanted to know the truth, 594 00:18:44,980 --> 00:18:46,220 because when you're on a psych ward, 595 00:18:46,220 --> 00:18:47,700 you have no rights, none at all. 596 00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:48,940 And I found that out the hard way. 597 00:18:48,940 --> 00:18:50,500 You can't even get a lawyer. 598 00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:53,620 Everything is up to that head psychiatrist. 599 00:18:53,620 --> 00:18:55,180 I don't say that to overwhelm anybody. 600 00:18:55,180 --> 00:18:56,540 That's just my case. 601 00:18:56,540 --> 00:18:58,300 And I got a couple of other things I want to tell you 602 00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:01,000 because I want to emphasize the importance of sponsorship. 603 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,120 God is a given. 604 00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:03,340 If you have a problem with God, 605 00:19:03,340 --> 00:19:05,460 no need to worry about that, in my opinion. 606 00:19:05,460 --> 00:19:07,540 I believe God and AA are the same thing. 607 00:19:07,540 --> 00:19:09,020 I believe that there's a guy 608 00:19:09,020 --> 00:19:10,500 who wrote a book called "Not God." 609 00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:13,980 It's not AA approved, but we let him come into our archives, 610 00:19:13,980 --> 00:19:16,740 the only non-alcoholic ever to be allowed in our archives. 611 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,660 He was doing a doctoral thesis, 612 00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:20,220 and he wanted to do the history of AA 613 00:19:20,220 --> 00:19:22,240 because we'd become so successful, 614 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,580 society knew we had something that nobody else had. 615 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:27,340 And so we gave him permission to go into our archives 616 00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:30,580 because we had so many people giving their idea 617 00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:31,420 of the history of AA, 618 00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,300 and it was really muddled there for a while. 619 00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:34,900 And we wanted an outsider to come in 620 00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:35,960 and give an objective view 621 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,540 instead of all these other subjective views 622 00:19:37,540 --> 00:19:38,460 we've been given. 623 00:19:38,460 --> 00:19:40,220 And when he got done, he wrote his thesis, 624 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:42,420 would turn it into a book, and he called it "Not God." 625 00:19:42,420 --> 00:19:43,740 And I was really struck by that. 626 00:19:43,740 --> 00:19:44,960 Why did he call it "Not God?" 627 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,140 So I hunted him up, and I found Ernest, 628 00:19:47,140 --> 00:19:48,900 and I got to have an audience with him. 629 00:19:48,900 --> 00:19:50,140 And I said, "I got a question for you. 630 00:19:50,140 --> 00:19:51,140 Would you mind sharing with me 631 00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:53,220 why you named that book "Not God?" 632 00:19:53,220 --> 00:19:55,140 He said, "Well, obviously, I didn't read the flap." 633 00:19:55,140 --> 00:19:55,980 I said, "What?" 634 00:19:55,980 --> 00:19:57,180 "See, the dust cover." 635 00:19:57,180 --> 00:19:58,900 So then we read it together, 636 00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:00,260 and it says right on the flap 637 00:20:00,260 --> 00:20:02,740 that these people must learn they're not God 638 00:20:02,740 --> 00:20:04,820 and quit playing, say, "Quit playing God." 639 00:20:04,820 --> 00:20:07,260 But the second one is the one that struck me. 640 00:20:07,260 --> 00:20:08,660 He says, "In my opinion, 641 00:20:08,660 --> 00:20:10,780 after studying the history of alcoholics and hormones, 642 00:20:10,780 --> 00:20:13,180 I do not believe AA's about God." 643 00:20:13,180 --> 00:20:16,460 He says, "Lots of those alcoholics make AA about God 644 00:20:16,460 --> 00:20:18,940 because it's an emotional panacea for them." 645 00:20:18,940 --> 00:20:22,020 He says, "But what I believe is AA is of God." 646 00:20:22,020 --> 00:20:23,580 And that turned the course of my life, 647 00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:25,420 and AA, I thought, "Oh, that's it." 648 00:20:25,420 --> 00:20:27,240 So when I'm with you, I'm not with me. 649 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:28,680 When I'm with you, we're of God. 650 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,300 You know that part in "How It Works," part B, 651 00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:32,740 where it says, "Probably no human power 652 00:20:32,740 --> 00:20:34,040 who leads the revolution?" 653 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,940 So many people inherently drop the word "probably," 654 00:20:36,940 --> 00:20:38,500 and they say, "No human power." 655 00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:40,100 And then they'll talk about your sponsor. 656 00:20:40,100 --> 00:20:41,460 That's including your sponsor. 657 00:20:41,460 --> 00:20:44,620 But the erroneous nature of that statement is this. 658 00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:46,500 Bill wasn't talking about that. 659 00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:49,240 When you read his handwritten remarks 660 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:50,660 before the book was published, 661 00:20:50,660 --> 00:20:52,600 you get to see a clearer picture. 662 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:56,140 What he's talking about there is that when we get together, 663 00:20:56,140 --> 00:20:57,420 when I was talking to this fellow here, 664 00:20:57,420 --> 00:20:59,500 when he reminded me about the Marina Center, 665 00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:02,580 and we're talking about AA, talking about the steps, 666 00:21:02,580 --> 00:21:04,080 we are no longer a human power. 667 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:05,460 We are now a spiritual power. 668 00:21:05,460 --> 00:21:07,020 That's why we help each other. 669 00:21:07,020 --> 00:21:09,100 That's how come we have the power 670 00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:12,480 to help a troubled alcoholic in the health and life 671 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,340 is because we become a spiritual power. 672 00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:15,940 It's only momentary, though, isn't it? 673 00:21:15,940 --> 00:21:18,700 As long as we're talking about AA and service work 674 00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:21,980 and sponsorship and the steps, we're spiritual powers. 675 00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:24,000 And we have the power to alter the course 676 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,860 of an individual like me long before them well-meaning 677 00:21:26,860 --> 00:21:29,020 experts can ever turn the tide for us. 678 00:21:29,020 --> 00:21:30,340 And I'm not bad mouthing them. 679 00:21:30,340 --> 00:21:31,500 That's just my experience. 680 00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:33,780 And I had an experience when I was 10 years old. 681 00:21:33,780 --> 00:21:34,780 This is the other story. 682 00:21:34,780 --> 00:21:36,560 And I want you to hear this to the end. 683 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,160 Don't judge me until I'm done, 684 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,780 because it's worthy of judgment. 685 00:21:39,780 --> 00:21:42,460 When I was 10 years old, my dad, being a truck driver, 686 00:21:42,460 --> 00:21:44,460 his loads went through the Deep South. 687 00:21:44,460 --> 00:21:45,780 My dad was a hateful man. 688 00:21:45,780 --> 00:21:46,840 I was raised in hate. 689 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:47,680 My dad was a hate. 690 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:48,500 I'm not blaming him. 691 00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:49,580 I'm just stating facts. 692 00:21:49,580 --> 00:21:50,420 And by the way, 693 00:21:50,420 --> 00:21:52,860 I forgot to add this in my pitch at the beginning. 694 00:21:52,860 --> 00:21:54,700 I never shared nothing in my talk 695 00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:56,000 I haven't fully recovered from. 696 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,180 I want you to know that. 697 00:21:57,180 --> 00:21:59,080 My sponsor trained me. 698 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,780 You bring your problems to me first. 699 00:22:00,780 --> 00:22:02,260 Don't take it to the group and whine 700 00:22:02,260 --> 00:22:05,100 so you can get a bunch of uggs and then feel better 701 00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:07,660 and then lose all your motivation to do anything. 702 00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:08,740 He says, "You come to me, 703 00:22:08,740 --> 00:22:10,540 "we'll step our way through the problem, 704 00:22:10,540 --> 00:22:11,940 "then you take that to the meeting." 705 00:22:11,940 --> 00:22:14,940 He says, "That group has a right to be protected from you." 706 00:22:14,940 --> 00:22:15,780 Talk to me about that. 707 00:22:15,780 --> 00:22:17,000 So what I used to be like, 708 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,860 I've got about eight, nine minutes, right? 709 00:22:18,860 --> 00:22:19,700 - Yeah. - Okay. 710 00:22:19,700 --> 00:22:21,260 We're supposed to share what we used to be like. 711 00:22:21,260 --> 00:22:22,340 I just shared what happened. 712 00:22:22,340 --> 00:22:24,580 That alcoholic home, the insanity of it, 713 00:22:24,580 --> 00:22:25,980 I became neurotic. 714 00:22:25,980 --> 00:22:27,500 I was so scared. 715 00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:29,060 Here's the power of alcohol. 716 00:22:29,060 --> 00:22:30,580 I wanna give you the problem first 717 00:22:30,580 --> 00:22:32,040 on the power of alcohol 718 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,900 and the power of alcoholics anonymous, if you will. 719 00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:35,980 But my dad, when I was 10 years old, 720 00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:37,220 he kind of kept me close to him 721 00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:40,380 after they know what happened to my body 'cause they saw it, 722 00:22:40,380 --> 00:22:42,260 but I would never give it up who it was. 723 00:22:42,260 --> 00:22:44,420 And so my dad kind of tried to protect me. 724 00:22:44,420 --> 00:22:46,580 And so he took me on runs with him 725 00:22:46,580 --> 00:22:48,140 and he took me through the deep South, 726 00:22:48,140 --> 00:22:50,340 Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi. 727 00:22:50,340 --> 00:22:52,340 And my dad belonged to a hate organization. 728 00:22:52,340 --> 00:22:54,740 And I didn't know I was being groomed into it. 729 00:22:54,740 --> 00:22:57,540 When I was 10 years old, he took me to Mississippi 730 00:22:57,540 --> 00:22:59,780 and they had this farm that a bunch of people were at 731 00:22:59,780 --> 00:23:01,460 dressed in funky looking robes. 732 00:23:01,460 --> 00:23:03,180 And they had these funky looking hats. 733 00:23:03,180 --> 00:23:04,920 They even had a junior outfit for me. 734 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:07,120 And I have to tell you too, I thought it was cool. 735 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,380 I don't know what it is, but they put it on me. 736 00:23:09,380 --> 00:23:10,540 And I felt like I belonged. 737 00:23:10,540 --> 00:23:12,040 It was a part of what was going on. 738 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,740 And I'm looking to belong to something. 739 00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:16,540 I'm looking to want to feel like I fit in and I'm a part of. 740 00:23:16,540 --> 00:23:17,660 And they put that outfit on me. 741 00:23:17,660 --> 00:23:20,140 And I remember asking my dad if I could work to school. 742 00:23:20,140 --> 00:23:23,060 He says, "No, this is just for parties." 743 00:23:23,060 --> 00:23:25,420 I was like, "Okay, I'm 10, I don't know nothing." 744 00:23:25,420 --> 00:23:27,000 And I'd like to tell you, they did not get me, 745 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:27,840 but they got me. 746 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,420 When I got here, what I used to be like, 747 00:23:29,420 --> 00:23:31,940 when I got here, I was a white beater, a child abuser, 748 00:23:31,940 --> 00:23:34,420 an animal abuser, I was racist, bigoted, 749 00:23:34,420 --> 00:23:36,100 what you call homophobic. 750 00:23:36,100 --> 00:23:37,620 All those labels you could put on me, 751 00:23:37,620 --> 00:23:39,780 I was nothing but 100% hate, 752 00:23:39,780 --> 00:23:42,100 looking for someone to open it up on. 753 00:23:42,100 --> 00:23:42,940 That's what I was. 754 00:23:42,940 --> 00:23:44,660 That's what I used to be like when I got here. 755 00:23:44,660 --> 00:23:46,740 It's repugnant, but it's the truth. 756 00:23:46,740 --> 00:23:47,900 And there's no answer for that, 757 00:23:47,900 --> 00:23:49,340 they told me in the psych ward. 758 00:23:49,340 --> 00:23:51,580 I have to be medicated for the rest of my life, they said. 759 00:23:51,580 --> 00:23:52,860 I wasn't safe to be around. 760 00:23:52,860 --> 00:23:53,780 They called me killer. 761 00:23:53,780 --> 00:23:55,720 A lot of names that I brought into AA. 762 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:56,960 And there's no answer for me. 763 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:58,420 I didn't think there was an answer for me, 764 00:23:58,420 --> 00:24:00,060 but Barney says there is. 765 00:24:00,060 --> 00:24:01,660 And when I was seven years sober, 766 00:24:01,660 --> 00:24:03,740 I'm running around AA meetings in the Quad Cities, 767 00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:05,300 putting guns in people's faces, 768 00:24:05,300 --> 00:24:08,000 not trying to hate my sponsors so they'll fire me. 769 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,200 And I'll tell you that story. 770 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,480 'Cause how does a guy like me overcome something like that? 771 00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:14,180 What power can possibly relieve that in me? 772 00:24:14,180 --> 00:24:16,460 When I was three months sober, Charles, a black man, 773 00:24:16,460 --> 00:24:17,740 came up and asked me to sponsor him. 774 00:24:17,740 --> 00:24:19,540 I pulled my gun out of the back of my belt, 775 00:24:19,540 --> 00:24:21,460 put it to his head and I said, "Get away from me." 776 00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:22,420 And I called him a name. 777 00:24:22,420 --> 00:24:23,820 I said, "I'll put you in the ground." 778 00:24:23,820 --> 00:24:24,780 And I left the meeting. 779 00:24:24,780 --> 00:24:26,660 I got a call that night, my sponsor called me. 780 00:24:26,660 --> 00:24:28,420 Says, "I heard you told Charles you wouldn't sponsor him." 781 00:24:28,420 --> 00:24:29,700 I said, "I can't sponsor him. 782 00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:30,660 You heard my fifth step. 783 00:24:30,660 --> 00:24:32,220 You know why I can't sponsor him. 784 00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:33,560 You're gonna explain something to you, dummy." 785 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,660 Says, "Are you aware nobody in AA likes you?" 786 00:24:35,660 --> 00:24:36,500 I said, "Not." 787 00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:38,940 He said, "Not one soul in AA likes you." 788 00:24:38,940 --> 00:24:41,540 And I said, "Yeah, so much for love and tolerance." 789 00:24:41,540 --> 00:24:43,340 And he says, "Are you aware that I am the only alcoholic 790 00:24:43,340 --> 00:24:45,380 in the Quad Cities that'll sponsor you?" 791 00:24:45,380 --> 00:24:47,180 I'm it, I got the short straw. 792 00:24:47,180 --> 00:24:48,320 And if I don't sponsor you, 793 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:49,980 you got no chance of staying sober. 794 00:24:49,980 --> 00:24:50,820 And I believed him. 795 00:24:50,820 --> 00:24:51,640 And I said, "Okay." 796 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:52,480 He says, "You're gonna go home now. 797 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:53,380 You're gonna call Charles. 798 00:24:53,380 --> 00:24:54,480 You're gonna apologize. 799 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,180 You're gonna tell him you'll never use that word again 800 00:24:56,180 --> 00:24:57,300 as long as you live. 801 00:24:57,300 --> 00:24:59,940 And if he'll forgive you, you'd be happy to sponsor him." 802 00:24:59,940 --> 00:25:02,900 Now, I know there ain't a snowball's chance in hell 803 00:25:02,900 --> 00:25:04,860 he's gonna want me to sponsor him, so I'll do it. 804 00:25:04,860 --> 00:25:06,140 So I called Charles up. 805 00:25:06,140 --> 00:25:07,260 He was surprised I called. 806 00:25:07,260 --> 00:25:09,140 And I did exactly what Barney said to do. 807 00:25:09,140 --> 00:25:11,540 I wrote a script and I was monotone. 808 00:25:11,540 --> 00:25:13,460 I wanted him to know I wasn't sincere. 809 00:25:13,460 --> 00:25:16,340 I said, "Charles, I'm sorry I said such and such. 810 00:25:16,340 --> 00:25:18,620 I'll never use that word again as long as I live. 811 00:25:18,620 --> 00:25:19,660 I would like you to forgive me. 812 00:25:19,660 --> 00:25:20,660 And if you're willing to forgive me, 813 00:25:20,660 --> 00:25:21,960 I'll be happy to be your sponsor." 814 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,140 Charles starts crying. 815 00:25:23,140 --> 00:25:24,660 And he says, "I can't believe you've done this." 816 00:25:24,660 --> 00:25:26,900 He says, "Of course I want you to be my sponsor." 817 00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:27,940 I thought that didn't work. 818 00:25:27,940 --> 00:25:30,340 Three months later, this six foot lesbian come up to me, 819 00:25:30,340 --> 00:25:32,560 poked me in the chest, says, "You're gonna sponsor me." 820 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:33,400 I said, "The hell I am. 821 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,080 Get on your kickstand and ride your ass away from me." 822 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:37,580 Got a call that night from my sponsor. 823 00:25:37,580 --> 00:25:39,380 Same routine, called her up. 824 00:25:39,380 --> 00:25:41,300 She says, "I told you he's gonna sponsor me." 825 00:25:41,300 --> 00:25:43,660 And then not too long after that, Adam, Adam, 826 00:25:43,660 --> 00:25:45,260 the Jew asked me to sponsor him. 827 00:25:45,260 --> 00:25:46,780 I'm not even gonna repeat what I said here. 828 00:25:46,780 --> 00:25:48,780 Got a phone call that night. 829 00:25:48,780 --> 00:25:49,980 That happened six more times 830 00:25:49,980 --> 00:25:51,260 in my first two years of sobriety. 831 00:25:51,260 --> 00:25:53,940 And I found out later that Barney was sending them to me. 832 00:25:53,940 --> 00:25:56,220 My sponsor was sending them to me. 833 00:25:56,220 --> 00:25:58,640 That's spiritual power and it worked, it worked. 834 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,260 I have now sponsored everything 835 00:26:00,260 --> 00:26:02,220 that my dad's crew taught me to hate. 836 00:26:02,220 --> 00:26:04,660 I don't think there's any other way I could have been freed 837 00:26:04,660 --> 00:26:06,180 from that amount of hatred in my body. 838 00:26:06,180 --> 00:26:07,700 But I had to get free of alcohol first. 839 00:26:07,700 --> 00:26:09,500 And then I met the two goals of AA, 840 00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:11,740 victory over alcohol and freedom from the bondage itself. 841 00:26:11,740 --> 00:26:13,580 And I learned, I'm gonna try to get this in in two minutes. 842 00:26:13,580 --> 00:26:15,900 I learned there's three phases of 12 step development. 843 00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:16,720 And it's so critical. 844 00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:18,340 It helps to know this if you sponsor people. 845 00:26:18,340 --> 00:26:19,980 And I know you guys sponsor people. 846 00:26:19,980 --> 00:26:22,060 The three phases of 12 step development 847 00:26:22,060 --> 00:26:24,700 is desperation, restoration, and transformation. 848 00:26:24,700 --> 00:26:26,460 Steps one, two, and three are desperate. 849 00:26:26,460 --> 00:26:29,140 We wanna get these newcomers started on the steps 850 00:26:29,140 --> 00:26:30,140 while they're desperate. 851 00:26:30,140 --> 00:26:33,380 Because you and I both know as the desperation lifts, 852 00:26:33,380 --> 00:26:34,460 so does the willingness. 853 00:26:34,460 --> 00:26:36,220 And so we get them while they're desperate. 854 00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:38,560 And if they're not very desperate, I'll help them with that. 855 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,500 I'll take them through the big book and the 12 and 12 856 00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:41,660 and I'll read facts to them 857 00:26:41,660 --> 00:26:43,340 to try to get their soul desperate. 858 00:26:43,340 --> 00:26:45,260 Not their head, but their soul. 859 00:26:45,260 --> 00:26:46,300 Because if they're desperate, 860 00:26:46,300 --> 00:26:48,520 they'll move on to phase two, restoration. 861 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:50,180 And the reason restoration is so important 862 00:26:50,180 --> 00:26:52,060 is steps four through nine. 863 00:26:52,060 --> 00:26:54,200 A lot of newcomers don't really know 864 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:55,940 why we need to do four through nine, 865 00:26:55,940 --> 00:26:57,700 except to clean up the slate, right? 866 00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:59,460 But the truth of the matter is there's a duality 867 00:26:59,460 --> 00:27:00,780 to step four through nine. 868 00:27:00,780 --> 00:27:02,880 Be restored to sanity where alcohol is concerned. 869 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:05,820 I am absolutely convinced I can never drink alcohol safely. 870 00:27:05,820 --> 00:27:07,660 I'm restored to sanity where alcohol is concerned 871 00:27:07,660 --> 00:27:08,980 for one day, one day at a time. 872 00:27:08,980 --> 00:27:10,420 The other one is to be restored to sanity 873 00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:11,420 where life is concerned. 874 00:27:11,420 --> 00:27:13,460 You see, steps four through nine have to be done 875 00:27:13,460 --> 00:27:15,380 if I'm ever to be a free citizen, 876 00:27:15,380 --> 00:27:17,420 if I'm ever to be a man amongst men, 877 00:27:17,420 --> 00:27:20,140 if I'm ever to be a human being among other human beings, 878 00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:22,020 I have to do steps four through nine, 879 00:27:22,020 --> 00:27:24,100 or I won't get to the transformation phase, 880 00:27:24,100 --> 00:27:25,300 steps 10, 11, and 12. 881 00:27:25,300 --> 00:27:27,480 It's so important to get to the transformation phase 882 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:28,740 because I've been transformed. 883 00:27:28,740 --> 00:27:30,340 And I know God's not done with me yet, 884 00:27:30,340 --> 00:27:32,040 my sponsor's not done with me yet, 885 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:34,300 which means there's still more transforming to do. 886 00:27:34,300 --> 00:27:35,740 I can't do it for myself. 887 00:27:35,740 --> 00:27:37,160 And so I sponsor alcoholics. 888 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,420 I work with alcoholics I don't sponsor. 889 00:27:39,420 --> 00:27:41,020 I'm engaged in AA. 890 00:27:41,020 --> 00:27:44,020 And I get the fringe benefit of traveling around the world. 891 00:27:44,020 --> 00:27:46,820 I've been around the world several times in AA 892 00:27:46,820 --> 00:27:49,080 doing AA service for fun and for free. 893 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:50,100 That's not meant for bragging. 894 00:27:50,100 --> 00:27:51,780 That's to tell you that I have no idea 895 00:27:51,780 --> 00:27:53,100 that was God's plan for me. 896 00:27:53,100 --> 00:27:56,220 And I'm so happy to feel like I'm useful, 897 00:27:56,220 --> 00:27:58,520 to feel like I'm a part of society. 898 00:27:58,520 --> 00:27:59,900 I want to tell you one quick story, 899 00:27:59,900 --> 00:28:02,060 the one minute lighting on yet so I can get it in. 900 00:28:02,060 --> 00:28:03,800 How many would you believe if I told you I became a cop? 901 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:04,640 It's impossible. 902 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:06,660 With my record, I've been arrested nine times, 903 00:28:06,660 --> 00:28:09,100 twice while drinking, seven times in AA meetings. 904 00:28:09,100 --> 00:28:09,980 (laughing) 905 00:28:09,980 --> 00:28:12,900 You haven't lived till you've been arrested in AA meetings. 906 00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:14,060 Those cops came in there one time, 907 00:28:14,060 --> 00:28:15,700 they come up to the door and there was no motion. 908 00:28:15,700 --> 00:28:17,180 So the group turned and looked, 909 00:28:17,180 --> 00:28:19,260 I saw these two deputies and they were looking right at me 910 00:28:19,260 --> 00:28:20,940 and I knew they had the right guy. 911 00:28:20,940 --> 00:28:22,700 And so they come in and I was fine 912 00:28:22,700 --> 00:28:24,180 till they got that first handcuff on me 913 00:28:24,180 --> 00:28:25,500 and then all hell broke loose. 914 00:28:25,500 --> 00:28:27,380 And I want to thank my home group for getting out of the way 915 00:28:27,380 --> 00:28:28,380 to give them room to work. 916 00:28:28,380 --> 00:28:30,880 They got me handcuffed or dragging me out the door. 917 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:33,500 And as I pass by a newcomer, who's holding the door open, 918 00:28:33,500 --> 00:28:36,140 he goes like this, "Keep coming back." 919 00:28:36,140 --> 00:28:37,700 I did not believe I could ever be a cop, 920 00:28:37,700 --> 00:28:38,700 but I want you to know something. 921 00:28:38,700 --> 00:28:40,500 Murals Fish Academy, I'm not the miracle. 922 00:28:40,500 --> 00:28:42,020 AA is the miracle. 923 00:28:42,020 --> 00:28:44,060 And I'm one of the beneficiaries of this miracle. 924 00:28:44,060 --> 00:28:45,660 And I went through the motions, my sponsor, 925 00:28:45,660 --> 00:28:47,300 he sponsored a bunch of lawyers. 926 00:28:47,300 --> 00:28:48,580 They got my record expunged. 927 00:28:48,580 --> 00:28:50,500 They got my psych report sealed. 928 00:28:50,500 --> 00:28:52,740 And at 10 years this Friday, I passed all the tests. 929 00:28:52,740 --> 00:28:55,380 I passed the polygraph test 930 00:28:55,380 --> 00:28:57,540 and I got sent to the Polk County Sheriff's Academy. 931 00:28:57,540 --> 00:29:00,580 And I graduated fourth in my class out of 16. 932 00:29:00,580 --> 00:29:02,660 Not bad for a guy who's in a retarded class in school, 933 00:29:02,660 --> 00:29:03,500 right? 934 00:29:03,500 --> 00:29:05,460 And I got to do drunk driving 935 00:29:05,460 --> 00:29:07,940 and I got to arrest a whole bunch of alcoholics. 936 00:29:07,940 --> 00:29:10,000 And I got to 12 step them and take them to jail 937 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:11,900 and then tell the judge, if we take them to AA, 938 00:29:11,900 --> 00:29:13,140 they might have a chance. 939 00:29:13,140 --> 00:29:15,420 And they allowed me during the course of my time as a cop, 940 00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:18,580 I took 37 members that became members of AA, 941 00:29:18,580 --> 00:29:21,940 37 men and women that I had arrested for drunk driving. 942 00:29:21,940 --> 00:29:25,340 And they allowed them to come to AA and change their life. 943 00:29:25,340 --> 00:29:26,820 I still sponsored many of them. 944 00:29:26,820 --> 00:29:27,860 Two have died sober. 945 00:29:27,860 --> 00:29:29,380 The other 35 are still sober. 946 00:29:29,380 --> 00:29:31,460 I get cards for most of them every Christmas 947 00:29:31,460 --> 00:29:32,860 because God used me. 948 00:29:32,860 --> 00:29:35,300 And then when I couldn't be used anymore, that job ended. 949 00:29:35,300 --> 00:29:38,300 I got called to California to work as a bodyguard. 950 00:29:38,300 --> 00:29:39,620 I've been here ever since. 951 00:29:39,620 --> 00:29:41,740 And so just to close that up, 952 00:29:41,740 --> 00:29:43,940 the grace of God and the power of 12 steps 953 00:29:43,940 --> 00:29:46,180 have transformed my life completely. 954 00:29:46,180 --> 00:29:47,740 And I suppose if it could work for me, 955 00:29:47,740 --> 00:29:48,860 perhaps it can work for you. 956 00:29:48,860 --> 00:29:49,700 Thanks.