- Hi, I'm Patti Cruikshank and I'm an alcoholic.
My sobriety date is August 1st, 2007.
So just in a couple of months, I'll be 17 years sober.
I have a sponsor and my home group is the Pacific Group
and hi to the Zoomers.
And I think I introduced myself to almost everybody here.
Welcome to the newcomers.
I'm so glad you're here.
So I'm gonna tell you a little bit about what it was like,
what happened and what it's like today.
So I grew up in Rancho Palos Verdes,
which is near San Pedro.
And thank you, Janice and Ned.
Janice was my first sponsor
and my husband came here tonight also.
So I grew up from, have a big family.
I have six brothers and a sister.
I'm the second youngest and my sister's the second oldest
with the boys in between and on the two ends.
My mom was an alcoholic.
My dad was a doctor, obstetrician gynecologist
and the ism was all through the family.
There's five brother sisters that are alcoholics
and the other three have type two diabetes from overeating.
And I have, thank you, Mike, for your share, fantastic.
I have a brother with special needs.
He actually fell out of a second story window as a baby.
But you know, today he's in a place and he texts messages.
And he's able to ride the Metro rail all over the place.
And so he's kind of like special in only certain ways
and he can get around, but he's in a wonderful home,
a retirement home with other normal people that are there.
So it's wonderful.
And so my dad, after all those boys,
when I came, I was his little girl.
He taught me how to ski, how to swim, everything.
And you know, he was such a great father to me.
Like when I was in basketball and volleyball,
he would come with all the like the mothers for away games
and he would drive, you know, my co basketball friends
to games and take us, you know, the McDonald's afterwards.
And he'd come to, you know, my games in high school.
And I, you know, one of the things,
I'm just going to jump all around is I was first string
in basketball, like my freshman year.
And my senior year I was sitting on the bench
because drinking was more important.
And I shared with Sharon, it's like those parties
in San Pedro, yeah, the cake parties and stuff.
And going to practice on Saturday morning,
just hung over every Saturday.
And, you know, I just, boys and drinking were, you know,
that was more important, my first three.
So going skiing, I think I was like eight years old.
We went to Mammoth Mountain and my brothers would tease me
until I cried and that was their mission in life.
And we were, I don't know if it was this trip
or another trip, we were down in the basement,
I think of one of my dad's friends with their kids and stuff
and it was like, they pulled out a Ouija board and they go,
how is little Patty going to die?
And it spelled out snowcat, you know,
which are the big tractors on the hill that smash the snow.
And I was afraid, I like just froze, you know,
in college I saw one of those and I would just be like,
and so afterward, you know, after skiing,
we would go to the hot springs
and we had Bota bags back there.
So my dad would let the older siblings, you know,
drink wine and so they had the Bota bags and they said,
let's get, you know, little Patty drunk.
And so they were sporting, you know, wine down my throat.
And on the way back that the radio was playing,
I was singing, I never sounded so good
and they were laughing and, you know,
I was laughing with them instead of crying, you know,
so alcohol from the very beginning,
I loved it from the very beginning.
And I remember, you know, like I shared with high school,
my sister was eight years older, eight and a half,
so she, I had her expired license.
So I was plenty old to buy alcohol.
And, you know, we looked enough alike, you know,
in the picture.
So we would, my girlfriends and I,
we would never go anywhere
without having a party before the party.
So we would go and get like Seagrams and 7UP
and we would go park and we would smoke cigarettes and drink
and then we'd go to the cake parties in San Pedro.
And it was like, I could be the life of the party,
but going in sober somewhere is like Greg said,
the self-centeredness, it's like, what do you think of me?
What am I doing?
Why are you looking at me?
All of that disappeared when I had that drink.
And I was the funniest.
I just was so easy to talk to guys.
And it was just, it took away all my fear.
I did not care what you thought of me anymore.
And, you know, just moving on into, you know, high school.
And I was, I grew up, I think,
a lot trying to just do my very best.
I, you know, I helped my mom out.
I loved my mom, even though she was an alcoholic.
I would have to get up early and knock on my brother's doors
and like, get up, get up.
And then I'd go make the lunches.
And then I was like, get up, get up.
And, you know, and then I, you know,
finally have to scream and yell, you know,
because the bus was coming and it was like,
and it's kind of like, I carry some of that with me,
the perfectionism of just trying to do everything right
to keep, because everything that happens in my house
stays in my house.
And you don't know anything on the outside.
And so like in high school, I got straight A's
and I just felt this need to do everything perfectly.
And it's like, now I've been in Fallon on it
for like seven years.
'Cause all of these kind of traits,
growing up in the alcoholic home has,
I can really, you know, it affects how I am.
So that has really helped also.
So, you know, going on to college,
I mean, that's where I met my husband.
I was his calculus tutor.
And I just remember, I remember this one class,
I had like three hours and it was like a late class.
It was like four o'clock, it was a business class.
And he and I would go like to Mr. Pockets,
which is the pool hall.
And we would shoot pool and drink pitchers of beer.
And it was the only class where I actually went,
where, you know, I had been drinking.
And I'd go and I'd go, "Yeah, I know the answer."
You know, and it was like, "Oh, it's my best class."
Because I was buzzing, I don't, I did not care.
You know, I typically didn't know the right answer,
but I didn't care if I didn't know the right answer.
I was, and so it just, there again,
it was just like, it took away all my fear.
And I'm, you know, I try to think,
when did I become a daily drinker?
And I look back and it was my junior year in college.
And I remember I would finish my studies
and then I would go when I pour myself a glass of wine.
And one of my roommates said to me,
"Do you drink every night?"
And I was like, "I didn't like the way she said that."
And I was like, "No."
And it was like, I remember the next night,
it was like, you know, I'll show her.
And it was like, I remember it was difficult,
but I was able to like, not pour myself a glass of wine.
And I did not drink to the end of that semester.
And then she was gone.
And then I just picked it up again.
And I think from that point until I got sober,
I drank every day.
And I wasn't a daily drinker, but every night I drank.
And just, you know, I got married,
you know, a couple of years out of college
and I worked my way up the corporate ladder
and I didn't get into too many scrapes.
I think my husband did most of the driving
when we would go out.
So, but the what, you know, one of the, what happened,
I was at this job.
And the other thing I was, I'll just skip around.
My dad, he loved to gamble.
And I picked up that trait too, from him.
And he used to like, his license plate was Mr. Pick Six.
He used to close the office on Wednesdays at nude,
go to Hollywood Park and he had the largest,
he was one of the early winners.
He was like $378,000.
He had all the, you know, all the picks and the Pick Six.
And so anyway, I loved to go to the casinos
and I started to play like online poker
with people all around the world.
And so, and get in these tournaments and such.
And so, you know, one of the what happens is I hated,
I was really upset at my job.
They had taken on this new client and those were terrible.
And I, things were just getting,
my drink was getting more and more and more.
And so I, my husband's mother had passed away
and I was coming home just complaining every night.
I hate my job, I hate the boss, you know.
And his mom had passed away and left him some money.
And he says, you know, you don't have to work
if you don't want to.
And he heard me say that once and he goes,
I never said that to you.
I said, well, that's what I heard.
He probably said you could go find another job or something.
So anyway, I quit my job.
And I said, oh, you know, I'll go do,
fix up the house and I'll do some charity work.
And then I thought, oh, you know,
I could have a couple of weeks off, you know.
And so it was like, I don't know if it was the next day,
but I made myself a cup of coffee and I was like, hmm.
And I was like, well, I'm on vacation for two weeks
before I have to start doing stuff.
So I like dumped coffee down the sink
and I pulled out the vodka bottle out of the fridge,
right in the coffee cup and then a splash of cranberry.
And that started the morning drink.
And then the like, after I had that drink,
I wanted another one and then I wanted another one.
You know, that phenomenon of craving kicks in.
And then the next day, you know,
I start to make myself a cup of coffee and it's like,
I'm on vacation.
And that started around the clock drinking
and it lasted for four years.
It, I started to gamble more.
I thought, who am I hurting?
If I get on the computer at midnight,
my husband's already asleep.
It's not gonna hurt him.
You know, he, you know, I'm in the other room
and I'm laughing because we're, you know, yeah.
And I'm drinking and this is turning into like
to four in the morning and I'm asleep, you know,
then I'm sleeping until noon.
And this, and this goes on and on.
And it did, it did bother him very much.
And, and then, you know, so now I have,
my favorite casino was like Pachanga
and he would come down with me.
I just remember this.
I remember this one time we're walking
where the slots are and I had had too much to drink.
And I never knew that your like muscles could give out.
Like if you have too much to drink and we're walking
and I just fall onto my knees and I look up and I'm done.
And he like pulled me up onto a seat
and I was like, into like a, like a walk again.
And there was one time I was by myself at Pachanga
and I usually try to really manage my drinking
so that when I get to the, to the room,
then I can just, I'm gonna be in for the night,
then I can just drink as much as I want.
But when I'm on the floor,
I wanna make sure I don't overdo it.
But this time it was like, I stood up and I was like, whoa.
And I was like, I had to get, you know,
from there all the way to the elevator.
And I am just like, okay, there's a gift shop.
And I'm like, I was like, there's a couch to like,
get there, sit down for a minute.
And so I was just, anyway, that goes on.
And my drinking is getting worse.
My husband would like come home and I'd like jump up
because I would be doing,
watching these judge shows all day long.
I'm doing crossword puzzles and I like get up and it's like,
oh, let me go wash the dishes or something.
And so anyway, this went on and on.
And he finally, you know, he left, he had enough.
And then at that point in time, it's like,
I didn't have to get up and walk upstairs.
I remember just falling to my knees and climbing,
crawling up the stairs
because I knew nobody was coming in anymore.
I was so far gone.
I didn't see that there could be any help for me.
I would, I was going like to the doctor,
like every three months and he'd be, stop drinking.
You know, and how much do you drink?
And he was like, oh, two glasses of wine.
So that, and my health started getting worse.
I had to go to a specialist.
And this is the next thing that happened.
I went back for the results and he says,
"I have good news and bad news."
He goes, "I found no cancer in your blood system."
He goes, "But your liver's in failure."
And this was a specialist.
He had no idea that I drank so much.
And he goes, "I, we need to run, you know,
hepatitis A, B, and C, you know, tests on you."
And then he goes, "Do you drink?"
I was like, eh.
And he goes, "I need you to stop drinking for 30 days.
And then we're gonna run all these tests."
I said, "This is it."
You know, I left there and I stopped at Trader Joe's.
And I got like these juices and the non-alcoholic beer.
And I think that this is it.
'Cause I kind of had tried to stop it.
I just thought, oh, you know,
I'll stop two weeks before I have to go see the doctor.
I'll stop a week, all the day.
And then I just, but I showed up for everything.
So I went home.
And by this time, my husband had filed for divorce
and you know, all of these signs I could look back on
and say, they're like signs from God, like bam, bam, bam.
You know, wake up.
And so this one woke me up.
It was like, I grew up Catholic and suicide was a mortal sin
and you're gonna rot in hell for eternity
if you kill yourself.
And it was like, I'm gonna kill myself
if I don't stop drinking.
And that was plain and clear to me.
And so like the next, I was able not to drink
for the rest of that day.
The next day, I am climbing the walls.
And I pour myself a drink and I call my sister
and I said, Missy, my liver's on failure
and I can't stop drinking.
And she goes, and she's been with a man
that she never saw take a drink,
but he was sober in the program.
And she goes, we'll find you a place up here in Santa Barbara.
She lives in Santa Barbara.
And so there's this great Costa Serena place in Santa Barbara
that I got the number for.
So I started calling and it was like,
well, we don't have room right now, call back tomorrow.
And I don't know if this went on
for a week or two weeks or something.
I think they weed out the people
that aren't serious about it.
But I was drinking as least as possible
just to be able to maintain and go through the DTs,
which I don't know, several times,
the shaking in the morning, I became the president,
actually my last two years of living a double life.
I was the president for my charity organization.
And we had this afternoon luncheon and I got there
and I didn't drink if I knew I was gonna go there.
I didn't want alcohol in my breath or anything.
I remember sitting there being so dry in the mouth
and we had sat down for lunch
and they were gonna serve wine and everything.
And I'm staring at the water and I'm like,
my hand was just shaking and I was just like,
I just have to sit there and just like,
and not be able to eat or drink basically
because my hands were shaking so much.
So getting back to Casa Serena,
they finally, maybe it was two weeks,
they said, okay, we don't have room,
but we go to Casa Esperanza for detox.
And when you're done, we'll have a place for you.
And so I got in and like the next day,
I remember my last drink was sipped at Kitchen Sink,
standing up and that was vodka with a splash of cranberry.
And that was my last drink
and I took off the Casa Esperanza,
which was just a room smaller than this
with two larger rooms just for the men
and one for the women.
It was part of the Salvation Army,
just a little annex attached to it.
So it sounds fancy, but it was not.
So,
(all laughing)
So I was there and a lot of things started happening.
I don't know, day two or day three.
Like day two, I'm like, I'm laying in bed.
I'm like, I'm hearing this helicopter
just circling forever, you know?
And it was in the middle of the night,
they had some security guard
that was in the little office area.
And I opened up the door and I said,
what's going on outside?
There's a helicopter that's been circling for hours.
And he's like, no, there's not.
And I run outside and I'm looking for it.
There's no helicopter anyway.
And then I don't know, this weird stuff started going on
and I think it was like day, the third night.
And then the counselor says,
I'm gonna try to get you in to see a doctor tomorrow.
He saw that it was, he didn't want me to go,
I don't know, but he was gonna get me in the next day.
And so before he got me in that night,
I'm laying there and this moonlight's coming in
and I'm seeing this like cat on the floor.
And then it's like, I grabbed my notebook.
I go, I know that cat, but I know there's not a cat there.
And so I go, I'm gonna just write this stuff down
when it's happening.
And like every single page in my notebook
had this beautiful writing on
and there wasn't an empty page.
And that wasn't true either.
So anyway, I'm gonna go up to the cat
and it's gonna disappear.
I go up to the cat and it doesn't disappear.
And I'm like, I'm ready to pick it up.
But it jumps like slow motion onto one of the beds.
And then it's like, I just stand and I'm watching it.
And then there's another cat and it jumps on the bed
and that cat jumps on the next bed.
And then they just start going more and more
and more and more.
And they just slow motion cats jumping
from one bed to the next.
And so I go up to one of my roommates
and I'm like, wake up.
And they go, what?
I go, there's cats all over the place.
And I remember before they called the ambulance,
I remember they're going like, what's your favorite song?
I have to, oh my God, I have, 'cause my husband's here
and he has it, I don't even, what that song is like.
♪ It's getting hot in here when I take off ♪
Oh my, and it's almost like a hit song.
And I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And it's like, I don't even know who's thinking that.
But they're like, look here, I'm like, what?
Anyway, the ambulance came.
They took me to a cottage hospital.
And I'm in like the emergency room
and they're trying to put the needle in my arm or whatever.
And the nurse is standing over there and there's this shelf
and there's a cat on the shelf behind her.
I'm like looking and she's going, what are you doing?
What are you looking at?
I go, there's a cat behind you.
And then she's like, no, there's not,
she was stuck looking at it.
It was like, I'm looking down the hallway.
It's like, oh, there's more, anyway.
They got the needle in.
They gave me whatever and I was out.
And when I woke up, there was like two trays of food.
I don't know how long I was out.
I was like, and I had no health insurance.
So I mean, it was like four years.
Cobra was long gone over.
And I was like, I gotta get out of here.
I can't afford this.
And I was like, the doctor came and goes,
you couldn't even walk when you got here.
And so I go, I can walk now.
I need to get out.
And they gave me a pass to go back to Casa Esperanza.
And so I don't know if it's day four or five
or whatever it was.
And I go back and maybe it was the next day.
We were circling up for our meetings
and I was the first one to sit down.
And, oh, I forgot to mention this.
I prayed every night.
And so I was praying to God while I was drinking.
I was praying every night,
God help me be the best person I can be.
And I'm drunk.
And I'm doing this night after night, nothing's changing.
And I just, I'm a hypocrite.
And what did I do?
I stopped praying.
And I, by the time I stopped drinking,
I was in such a depression
that I did not wanna wake up anymore.
I wanted to die.
And so when I finally surrendered,
you know, I didn't, I thought it was my willpower.
I didn't know that I was powerless.
I didn't know it was a disease.
I didn't believe any of that.
But I mean, I was open, but I was like, really?
And so we were, I prayed ever so hard
when I finally surrendered.
It was like, God, please help me.
And that's when I, you know, went into Casa Esperanza.
And so it was, I don't know, day five or six.
We're circling up on the first one to sit down
and this feeling comes over me.
And it's kind of like hazy, bubbly.
And it was just like the best feeling
I've ever had in my entire life.
I don't know if it lasted a minute or what.
It's never happened again.
And I realized later that the obsession to drink
was lifted from me.
And of course I thought, you know,
like any minute I thought it's gonna come back.
All those things they said, it's like,
stay away from the alcohol, you know, at the supermarket.
Don't go down those aisles.
And it's like, you know, I listen.
I said, I'll do whatever, you know, the counselors say.
And that's what, that's how I was.
I went on to Casa, Casa Serena.
That was a Victorian house for like 18 women.
And, you know, I was so desperate surrendered
that I was like, what do I do?
What do I do?
Just tell me what I'm supposed to do.
And so, but the other women there,
the majority of the women there were like,
well, this is better than being in jail, you know.
And so I was definitely the minority
and I just thought everybody was like me that it wasn't.
So, you know, I stayed at Casa Serena for three months
and I did the, you know, the work.
Some people got actual jobs
and I said, I'm going, I have to go back home.
So I helped fix food for the homeless
and I volunteered for that.
But I, you know, I loved it there.
And it was like two weeks before I graduated.
I said, you gotta let me go home for the weekend.
I need to find a meeting in my area.
And during that time, we, on a Friday night,
it would be the Gucci meeting, which was this church.
And so much of the majority of the time,
the speaker would be, oh, I'm so-and-so,
I'm from the Pacific group.
And I was like, the Pacific group, I'm hearing that again.
And so I asked somebody, I go, what's the Pacific group?
They go, oh, it's down there where you live.
It's a real big group and they're really strict and all.
You know, and it's like, I want that, you know.
So I kind of knew, you know, I mean, I had a temporary sponsor,
temporary because I'm not staying up in Santa Barbara.
And so I wanted the Pacific group
and I wanted to get a sponsor
and I wanted to find a home group.
And so I only had one meeting that I knew of.
And then they go, once you go to that meeting,
then you'll get a directory
and then you'll have all the meetings around you.
So I said, okay.
So it was like St. Paul's was the meeting
I was gonna go to in the basement.
And I get there, my husband drops me off.
'Cause they have the annual fair going on.
And I was like, okay, I'll see you.
And so I go to where the basement is,
it's like antique show down here.
I was like, I called her.
I said, there's no AA meeting here.
And I was so upset.
He picks me up and then I call central office
and we finally narrowed it down.
The next day at nine o'clock,
there's a meeting and he went with me
and we see all the, there's men cleaning there.
I go, oh no, it's a men's stag.
Anyway, a woman went into the meeting and it's like, oh.
And that's where I found Janice was there.
And it turns out it was a Pacific group meeting.
And I got a sponsor, I got a home group
and I found my people.
And so I was just so, I know this was all God.
And so anyhow, I was so happy.
And then, yeah, then that kind of started my journey.
And Janice had me going to a meeting.
Every night you go to a meeting every night
and you get a commitment at every one of your meetings.
And I did that and I said, well, what about the day?
And she goes, well, you can,
if you wanna go to day meetings, that's fine too.
You can pick those.
And so I was going to 14 meetings.
So we, for my first year of sobriety,
I was pretty messed up.
I took like a year, I think, for me to finally say,
okay, I'm ready to go back to work.
But going back to Casa Serena.
So my husband, that divorce that had been filed
was not finalized.
And so he started coming up on the weekends
and visiting when I was at Casa Serena.
And I remember this one time we went at the solving
and so we're driving up the coast and I was quiet.
And I think, a lot of times when I'm quiet,
I'm like mad about something, I'm pissed off.
Like I'm like looking at the hills and the water
and he's like, what's wrong?
Because I'm not saying anything.
I go, oh, look at the mountains and the water.
And like, who are you?
I think he saw that there was definitely a change in me.
And so that divorce just fizzled away
and we're actually going to be celebrating next month,
40 years of marriage.
So there again, it's in God's time.
And so, oh boy.
So I started looking for a, thank you, I see that.
I started looking for a job
and it was a full-time job, looking for a job.
I was, I had that four years.
I finally, after like a month of like, this is not working.
I can't have this gap in my resume and volunteering.
And so I filled in this gap
and I was able to start giving some interviews.
And I remember there's like, suddenly it was like four months
after I started looking, I'm getting two hits
and one was a full-time job.
And this other one was like three days a week.
And both of them wanted me back for like a second interview.
And I was like, God, I don't ask for signs,
but please give me a sign.
And so I went for the part-time one
and the office manager, she was showing me around
and she goes, and this would be your office.
And I had, in my old office,
I had these two Mediterranean prints on the wall
that had purchased and right up there
was two Mediterranean prints.
And one of them was exactly the one that I had purchased.
And I said, that same print was in my old office.
And she actually said, that must be a sign.
And I said, and that's the job I took.
And you know what, it was perfect.
I needed that starting again with the three days.
And then within a year, it was four days.
And that was like almost 16 years ago and I'm still there.
So that was my first job in sobriety
and I still have it and I love it.
I love getting up every day.
I'm afraid to quit my job, right?
Yeah, I just, I love getting up, getting dressed,
going to work and yeah, my coworker has 21 years.
We just have an interview and she's gonna work remotely.
And so we're looking for somebody that could be
admin assistant, we've just been interviewing.
And I just pray every day to God and I have faith
that he's gonna put the right one in our path
and it's gonna be fine.
And so what I do now, I've done the steps twice.
The first time I did the steps was just kind of,
I think, getting through them and knowing what they were
and just knowing all the assignments.
And then I wanna say six, seven years later,
I did the steps again.
So it was a different process where it was like,
they say killing that layer where you're getting in deeper
and then getting sponsors and then taking them
through the book and seeing them come to life and grow.
It's such a wonderful program.
It saved my life and I've seen it save so many other lives.
And I have my siblings that are alcoholics
on the most part and have found recovery.
One did and one is kind of trying to control it again
and because their kids moved out of the house
and it's like, and then one has never found sobriety
and he just had part, I think, part of his big toe removed
because it's affecting his body.
But I mentioned I have Alan on now,
which has really helped me know that I need to focus
on myself and be helped and be supportive
of the ones around me.
And that's all I can do.
But if I could just leave it with,
I came in here wanting to die and now I have a life
that I love waking up every day.
I hit my knees, now I roll out of bed,
I hit my knees and I said,
"First thing is God, thank you for another beautiful day."
And when I sleep at night, I say,
"God, thank you for another day of sobriety."
I say my morning and nightly prayers.
I read a daily reflection.
I call my sponsor every day.
I might call my Alan on sponsor once a week.
I go to five meetings and I would never step away.
I've never stepped away from the program
because I thought I was doing okay.
I've never, never stepped away.
So I think I'm that finished.
And I wanna thank you all
for letting me share here tonight.
Thank you.