1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,520 - Hi, I'm Patti Cruikshank and I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:07,280 My sobriety date is August 1st, 2007. 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:11,300 So just in a couple of months, I'll be 17 years sober. 4 00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:15,760 I have a sponsor and my home group is the Pacific Group 5 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:17,840 and hi to the Zoomers. 6 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:21,180 And I think I introduced myself to almost everybody here. 7 00:00:21,180 --> 00:00:22,600 Welcome to the newcomers. 8 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,260 I'm so glad you're here. 9 00:00:24,260 --> 00:00:27,280 So I'm gonna tell you a little bit about what it was like, 10 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,560 what happened and what it's like today. 11 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:33,320 So I grew up in Rancho Palos Verdes, 12 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,840 which is near San Pedro. 13 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:39,500 And thank you, Janice and Ned. 14 00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,560 Janice was my first sponsor 15 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,040 and my husband came here tonight also. 16 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:47,880 So I grew up from, have a big family. 17 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:49,680 I have six brothers and a sister. 18 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:53,040 I'm the second youngest and my sister's the second oldest 19 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:56,520 with the boys in between and on the two ends. 20 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,760 My mom was an alcoholic. 21 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:03,440 My dad was a doctor, obstetrician gynecologist 22 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,360 and the ism was all through the family. 23 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:09,480 There's five brother sisters that are alcoholics 24 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:13,520 and the other three have type two diabetes from overeating. 25 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:18,520 And I have, thank you, Mike, for your share, fantastic. 26 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:21,800 I have a brother with special needs. 27 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:25,680 He actually fell out of a second story window as a baby. 28 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:32,240 But you know, today he's in a place and he texts messages. 29 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:37,080 And he's able to ride the Metro rail all over the place. 30 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:39,880 And so he's kind of like special in only certain ways 31 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:43,520 and he can get around, but he's in a wonderful home, 32 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:47,920 a retirement home with other normal people that are there. 33 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:49,960 So it's wonderful. 34 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:53,440 And so my dad, after all those boys, 35 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:54,960 when I came, I was his little girl. 36 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,880 He taught me how to ski, how to swim, everything. 37 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:01,920 And you know, he was such a great father to me. 38 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,120 Like when I was in basketball and volleyball, 39 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:07,760 he would come with all the like the mothers for away games 40 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:12,760 and he would drive, you know, my co basketball friends 41 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:16,080 to games and take us, you know, the McDonald's afterwards. 42 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:20,480 And he'd come to, you know, my games in high school. 43 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:21,880 And I, you know, one of the things, 44 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:26,400 I'm just going to jump all around is I was first string 45 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:30,120 in basketball, like my freshman year. 46 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:33,160 And my senior year I was sitting on the bench 47 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:34,840 because drinking was more important. 48 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,720 And I shared with Sharon, it's like those parties 49 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:41,000 in San Pedro, yeah, the cake parties and stuff. 50 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:44,640 And going to practice on Saturday morning, 51 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,280 just hung over every Saturday. 52 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:50,040 And, you know, I just, boys and drinking were, you know, 53 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,920 that was more important, my first three. 54 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:57,520 So going skiing, I think I was like eight years old. 55 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:02,360 We went to Mammoth Mountain and my brothers would tease me 56 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,600 until I cried and that was their mission in life. 57 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,520 And we were, I don't know if it was this trip 58 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,680 or another trip, we were down in the basement, 59 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:14,400 I think of one of my dad's friends with their kids and stuff 60 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,160 and it was like, they pulled out a Ouija board and they go, 61 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,440 how is little Patty going to die? 62 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,720 And it spelled out snowcat, you know, 63 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:28,200 which are the big tractors on the hill that smash the snow. 64 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:32,560 And I was afraid, I like just froze, you know, 65 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,680 in college I saw one of those and I would just be like, 66 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,960 and so afterward, you know, after skiing, 67 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,560 we would go to the hot springs 68 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,080 and we had Bota bags back there. 69 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:45,400 So my dad would let the older siblings, you know, 70 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,760 drink wine and so they had the Bota bags and they said, 71 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:50,880 let's get, you know, little Patty drunk. 72 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:54,600 And so they were sporting, you know, wine down my throat. 73 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:57,400 And on the way back that the radio was playing, 74 00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:00,240 I was singing, I never sounded so good 75 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,360 and they were laughing and, you know, 76 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:05,520 I was laughing with them instead of crying, you know, 77 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,960 so alcohol from the very beginning, 78 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,080 I loved it from the very beginning. 79 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:14,960 And I remember, you know, like I shared with high school, 80 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,040 my sister was eight years older, eight and a half, 81 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:20,320 so she, I had her expired license. 82 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:23,760 So I was plenty old to buy alcohol. 83 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,280 And, you know, we looked enough alike, you know, 84 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:27,120 in the picture. 85 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:29,400 So we would, my girlfriends and I, 86 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,000 we would never go anywhere 87 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,320 without having a party before the party. 88 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:37,320 So we would go and get like Seagrams and 7UP 89 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:41,400 and we would go park and we would smoke cigarettes and drink 90 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,000 and then we'd go to the cake parties in San Pedro. 91 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:47,440 And it was like, I could be the life of the party, 92 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:50,560 but going in sober somewhere is like Greg said, 93 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,680 the self-centeredness, it's like, what do you think of me? 94 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:54,520 What am I doing? 95 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:55,720 Why are you looking at me? 96 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,440 All of that disappeared when I had that drink. 97 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:00,760 And I was the funniest. 98 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:04,600 I just was so easy to talk to guys. 99 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,680 And it was just, it took away all my fear. 100 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,760 I did not care what you thought of me anymore. 101 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:14,800 And, you know, just moving on into, you know, high school. 102 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,040 And I was, I grew up, I think, 103 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:20,480 a lot trying to just do my very best. 104 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,920 I, you know, I helped my mom out. 105 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,200 I loved my mom, even though she was an alcoholic. 106 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:29,560 I would have to get up early and knock on my brother's doors 107 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:30,800 and like, get up, get up. 108 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,680 And then I'd go make the lunches. 109 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,200 And then I was like, get up, get up. 110 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,360 And, you know, and then I, you know, 111 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,600 finally have to scream and yell, you know, 112 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,680 because the bus was coming and it was like, 113 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:44,240 and it's kind of like, I carry some of that with me, 114 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:47,800 the perfectionism of just trying to do everything right 115 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:50,040 to keep, because everything that happens in my house 116 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:51,000 stays in my house. 117 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,440 And you don't know anything on the outside. 118 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,800 And so like in high school, I got straight A's 119 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,960 and I just felt this need to do everything perfectly. 120 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,800 And it's like, now I've been in Fallon on it 121 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:02,720 for like seven years. 122 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:04,280 'Cause all of these kind of traits, 123 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,720 growing up in the alcoholic home has, 124 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,840 I can really, you know, it affects how I am. 125 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:12,520 So that has really helped also. 126 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,520 So, you know, going on to college, 127 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,480 I mean, that's where I met my husband. 128 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:20,200 I was his calculus tutor. 129 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,680 And I just remember, I remember this one class, 130 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,800 I had like three hours and it was like a late class. 131 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,640 It was like four o'clock, it was a business class. 132 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,720 And he and I would go like to Mr. Pockets, 133 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,000 which is the pool hall. 134 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,800 And we would shoot pool and drink pitchers of beer. 135 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,320 And it was the only class where I actually went, 136 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,200 where, you know, I had been drinking. 137 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,360 And I'd go and I'd go, "Yeah, I know the answer." 138 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,520 You know, and it was like, "Oh, it's my best class." 139 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:47,560 Because I was buzzing, I don't, I did not care. 140 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,160 You know, I typically didn't know the right answer, 141 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,920 but I didn't care if I didn't know the right answer. 142 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,040 I was, and so it just, there again, 143 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,240 it was just like, it took away all my fear. 144 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,240 And I'm, you know, I try to think, 145 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,800 when did I become a daily drinker? 146 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,520 And I look back and it was my junior year in college. 147 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,380 And I remember I would finish my studies 148 00:07:07,380 --> 00:07:10,240 and then I would go when I pour myself a glass of wine. 149 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,160 And one of my roommates said to me, 150 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,760 "Do you drink every night?" 151 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:15,800 And I was like, "I didn't like the way she said that." 152 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,520 And I was like, "No." 153 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,040 And it was like, I remember the next night, 154 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,940 it was like, you know, I'll show her. 155 00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:24,360 And it was like, I remember it was difficult, 156 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:27,800 but I was able to like, not pour myself a glass of wine. 157 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,800 And I did not drink to the end of that semester. 158 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,040 And then she was gone. 159 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,560 And then I just picked it up again. 160 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:38,000 And I think from that point until I got sober, 161 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,320 I drank every day. 162 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:44,180 And I wasn't a daily drinker, but every night I drank. 163 00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:47,160 And just, you know, I got married, 164 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:48,600 you know, a couple of years out of college 165 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:52,160 and I worked my way up the corporate ladder 166 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,520 and I didn't get into too many scrapes. 167 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,440 I think my husband did most of the driving 168 00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:58,680 when we would go out. 169 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:03,680 So, but the what, you know, one of the, what happened, 170 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:07,300 I was at this job. 171 00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:09,760 And the other thing I was, I'll just skip around. 172 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,360 My dad, he loved to gamble. 173 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:16,060 And I picked up that trait too, from him. 174 00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:20,680 And he used to like, his license plate was Mr. Pick Six. 175 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:24,760 He used to close the office on Wednesdays at nude, 176 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:29,280 go to Hollywood Park and he had the largest, 177 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:30,880 he was one of the early winners. 178 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:35,360 He was like $378,000. 179 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:39,720 He had all the, you know, all the picks and the Pick Six. 180 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:44,720 And so anyway, I loved to go to the casinos 181 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:48,360 and I started to play like online poker 182 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,240 with people all around the world. 183 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:53,760 And so, and get in these tournaments and such. 184 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:58,760 And so, you know, one of the what happens is I hated, 185 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:03,680 I was really upset at my job. 186 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:06,480 They had taken on this new client and those were terrible. 187 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,320 And I, things were just getting, 188 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:11,000 my drink was getting more and more and more. 189 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,840 And so I, my husband's mother had passed away 190 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,480 and I was coming home just complaining every night. 191 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,240 I hate my job, I hate the boss, you know. 192 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,360 And his mom had passed away and left him some money. 193 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,360 And he says, you know, you don't have to work 194 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:27,360 if you don't want to. 195 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,400 And he heard me say that once and he goes, 196 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,920 I never said that to you. 197 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,760 I said, well, that's what I heard. 198 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:36,120 He probably said you could go find another job or something. 199 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,240 So anyway, I quit my job. 200 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:42,800 And I said, oh, you know, I'll go do, 201 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:45,240 fix up the house and I'll do some charity work. 202 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:48,000 And then I thought, oh, you know, 203 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,360 I could have a couple of weeks off, you know. 204 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:53,120 And so it was like, I don't know if it was the next day, 205 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:57,400 but I made myself a cup of coffee and I was like, hmm. 206 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,400 And I was like, well, I'm on vacation for two weeks 207 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,120 before I have to start doing stuff. 208 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,200 So I like dumped coffee down the sink 209 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,000 and I pulled out the vodka bottle out of the fridge, 210 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,840 right in the coffee cup and then a splash of cranberry. 211 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,800 And that started the morning drink. 212 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,240 And then the like, after I had that drink, 213 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,600 I wanted another one and then I wanted another one. 214 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,840 You know, that phenomenon of craving kicks in. 215 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,800 And then the next day, you know, 216 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,040 I start to make myself a cup of coffee and it's like, 217 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,000 I'm on vacation. 218 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,600 And that started around the clock drinking 219 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,960 and it lasted for four years. 220 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:34,160 It, I started to gamble more. 221 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,680 I thought, who am I hurting? 222 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,160 If I get on the computer at midnight, 223 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:39,640 my husband's already asleep. 224 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:40,840 It's not gonna hurt him. 225 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,200 You know, he, you know, I'm in the other room 226 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,200 and I'm laughing because we're, you know, yeah. 227 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:49,000 And I'm drinking and this is turning into like 228 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,560 to four in the morning and I'm asleep, you know, 229 00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,840 then I'm sleeping until noon. 230 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,200 And this, and this goes on and on. 231 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,040 And it did, it did bother him very much. 232 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:01,760 And, and then, you know, so now I have, 233 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,000 my favorite casino was like Pachanga 234 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,120 and he would come down with me. 235 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,360 I just remember this. 236 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,360 I remember this one time we're walking 237 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,920 where the slots are and I had had too much to drink. 238 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:14,200 And I never knew that your like muscles could give out. 239 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,560 Like if you have too much to drink and we're walking 240 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:21,280 and I just fall onto my knees and I look up and I'm done. 241 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,800 And he like pulled me up onto a seat 242 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:28,000 and I was like, into like a, like a walk again. 243 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,000 And there was one time I was by myself at Pachanga 244 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:35,120 and I usually try to really manage my drinking 245 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,840 so that when I get to the, to the room, 246 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:39,880 then I can just, I'm gonna be in for the night, 247 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,560 then I can just drink as much as I want. 248 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:42,720 But when I'm on the floor, 249 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:44,400 I wanna make sure I don't overdo it. 250 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:49,000 But this time it was like, I stood up and I was like, whoa. 251 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:52,160 And I was like, I had to get, you know, 252 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,320 from there all the way to the elevator. 253 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,360 And I am just like, okay, there's a gift shop. 254 00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,320 And I'm like, I was like, there's a couch to like, 255 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:00,800 get there, sit down for a minute. 256 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,440 And so I was just, anyway, that goes on. 257 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,800 And my drinking is getting worse. 258 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:09,680 My husband would like come home and I'd like jump up 259 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:10,880 because I would be doing, 260 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:14,000 watching these judge shows all day long. 261 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,960 I'm doing crossword puzzles and I like get up and it's like, 262 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,480 oh, let me go wash the dishes or something. 263 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:23,360 And so anyway, this went on and on. 264 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:28,360 And he finally, you know, he left, he had enough. 265 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,800 And then at that point in time, it's like, 266 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,880 I didn't have to get up and walk upstairs. 267 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:38,200 I remember just falling to my knees and climbing, 268 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,680 crawling up the stairs 269 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,960 because I knew nobody was coming in anymore. 270 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,680 I was so far gone. 271 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:47,200 I didn't see that there could be any help for me. 272 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,160 I would, I was going like to the doctor, 273 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:53,120 like every three months and he'd be, stop drinking. 274 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,440 You know, and how much do you drink? 275 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,600 And he was like, oh, two glasses of wine. 276 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:02,360 So that, and my health started getting worse. 277 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,160 I had to go to a specialist. 278 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:07,840 And this is the next thing that happened. 279 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,240 I went back for the results and he says, 280 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:11,680 "I have good news and bad news." 281 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,800 He goes, "I found no cancer in your blood system." 282 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,280 He goes, "But your liver's in failure." 283 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:17,320 And this was a specialist. 284 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:20,240 He had no idea that I drank so much. 285 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,880 And he goes, "I, we need to run, you know, 286 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,360 hepatitis A, B, and C, you know, tests on you." 287 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,880 And then he goes, "Do you drink?" 288 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,320 I was like, eh. 289 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:34,160 And he goes, "I need you to stop drinking for 30 days. 290 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,760 And then we're gonna run all these tests." 291 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:36,960 I said, "This is it." 292 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:41,600 You know, I left there and I stopped at Trader Joe's. 293 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:45,040 And I got like these juices and the non-alcoholic beer. 294 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:46,880 And I think that this is it. 295 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,880 'Cause I kind of had tried to stop it. 296 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:51,480 I just thought, oh, you know, 297 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,120 I'll stop two weeks before I have to go see the doctor. 298 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,320 I'll stop a week, all the day. 299 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,840 And then I just, but I showed up for everything. 300 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,720 So I went home. 301 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:06,720 And by this time, my husband had filed for divorce 302 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:11,760 and you know, all of these signs I could look back on 303 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:15,600 and say, they're like signs from God, like bam, bam, bam. 304 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,160 You know, wake up. 305 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:19,160 And so this one woke me up. 306 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:24,160 It was like, I grew up Catholic and suicide was a mortal sin 307 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:27,040 and you're gonna rot in hell for eternity 308 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,240 if you kill yourself. 309 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,720 And it was like, I'm gonna kill myself 310 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,320 if I don't stop drinking. 311 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,800 And that was plain and clear to me. 312 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,680 And so like the next, I was able not to drink 313 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:38,800 for the rest of that day. 314 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:42,560 The next day, I am climbing the walls. 315 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,520 And I pour myself a drink and I call my sister 316 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,960 and I said, Missy, my liver's on failure 317 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,360 and I can't stop drinking. 318 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,800 And she goes, and she's been with a man 319 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:54,320 that she never saw take a drink, 320 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:57,160 but he was sober in the program. 321 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,960 And she goes, we'll find you a place up here in Santa Barbara. 322 00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,920 She lives in Santa Barbara. 323 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,640 And so there's this great Costa Serena place in Santa Barbara 324 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,160 that I got the number for. 325 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,480 So I started calling and it was like, 326 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:14,280 well, we don't have room right now, call back tomorrow. 327 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,520 And I don't know if this went on 328 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:17,520 for a week or two weeks or something. 329 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,000 I think they weed out the people 330 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,680 that aren't serious about it. 331 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,560 But I was drinking as least as possible 332 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:28,560 just to be able to maintain and go through the DTs, 333 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,720 which I don't know, several times, 334 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,000 the shaking in the morning, I became the president, 335 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,680 actually my last two years of living a double life. 336 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,280 I was the president for my charity organization. 337 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:45,720 And we had this afternoon luncheon and I got there 338 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:49,040 and I didn't drink if I knew I was gonna go there. 339 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,120 I didn't want alcohol in my breath or anything. 340 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,040 I remember sitting there being so dry in the mouth 341 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,600 and we had sat down for lunch 342 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:57,520 and they were gonna serve wine and everything. 343 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,360 And I'm staring at the water and I'm like, 344 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:04,000 my hand was just shaking and I was just like, 345 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,880 I just have to sit there and just like, 346 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,200 and not be able to eat or drink basically 347 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,400 because my hands were shaking so much. 348 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,440 So getting back to Casa Serena, 349 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,320 they finally, maybe it was two weeks, 350 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,440 they said, okay, we don't have room, 351 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:23,200 but we go to Casa Esperanza for detox. 352 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:26,280 And when you're done, we'll have a place for you. 353 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:29,480 And so I got in and like the next day, 354 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,520 I remember my last drink was sipped at Kitchen Sink, 355 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:37,520 standing up and that was vodka with a splash of cranberry. 356 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,720 And that was my last drink 357 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,880 and I took off the Casa Esperanza, 358 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:46,520 which was just a room smaller than this 359 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,920 with two larger rooms just for the men 360 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:49,760 and one for the women. 361 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,200 It was part of the Salvation Army, 362 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,280 just a little annex attached to it. 363 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,720 So it sounds fancy, but it was not. 364 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:57,560 So, 365 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,320 (all laughing) 366 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:04,240 So I was there and a lot of things started happening. 367 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,560 I don't know, day two or day three. 368 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,120 Like day two, I'm like, I'm laying in bed. 369 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,400 I'm like, I'm hearing this helicopter 370 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,880 just circling forever, you know? 371 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,680 And it was in the middle of the night, 372 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,160 they had some security guard 373 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,240 that was in the little office area. 374 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,640 And I opened up the door and I said, 375 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,160 what's going on outside? 376 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:27,520 There's a helicopter that's been circling for hours. 377 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,120 And he's like, no, there's not. 378 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:32,280 And I run outside and I'm looking for it. 379 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,280 There's no helicopter anyway. 380 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:37,520 And then I don't know, this weird stuff started going on 381 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:42,120 and I think it was like day, the third night. 382 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,600 And then the counselor says, 383 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:47,480 I'm gonna try to get you in to see a doctor tomorrow. 384 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,120 He saw that it was, he didn't want me to go, 385 00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:53,560 I don't know, but he was gonna get me in the next day. 386 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,840 And so before he got me in that night, 387 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:59,160 I'm laying there and this moonlight's coming in 388 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:02,000 and I'm seeing this like cat on the floor. 389 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:06,040 And then it's like, I grabbed my notebook. 390 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,440 I go, I know that cat, but I know there's not a cat there. 391 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,440 And so I go, I'm gonna just write this stuff down 392 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,120 when it's happening. 393 00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:14,560 And like every single page in my notebook 394 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,320 had this beautiful writing on 395 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:17,800 and there wasn't an empty page. 396 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,960 And that wasn't true either. 397 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,840 So anyway, I'm gonna go up to the cat 398 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:23,880 and it's gonna disappear. 399 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,160 I go up to the cat and it doesn't disappear. 400 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,800 And I'm like, I'm ready to pick it up. 401 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:32,160 But it jumps like slow motion onto one of the beds. 402 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:35,320 And then it's like, I just stand and I'm watching it. 403 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,760 And then there's another cat and it jumps on the bed 404 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,880 and that cat jumps on the next bed. 405 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,600 And then they just start going more and more 406 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:44,440 and more and more. 407 00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,960 And they just slow motion cats jumping 408 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,880 from one bed to the next. 409 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,680 And so I go up to one of my roommates 410 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,360 and I'm like, wake up. 411 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:54,520 And they go, what? 412 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:57,000 I go, there's cats all over the place. 413 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,640 And I remember before they called the ambulance, 414 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,960 I remember they're going like, what's your favorite song? 415 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,600 I have to, oh my God, I have, 'cause my husband's here 416 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,640 and he has it, I don't even, what that song is like. 417 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,840 ♪ It's getting hot in here when I take off ♪ 418 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,640 Oh my, and it's almost like a hit song. 419 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,640 And I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah. 420 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,360 And it's like, I don't even know who's thinking that. 421 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:19,360 But they're like, look here, I'm like, what? 422 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:21,000 Anyway, the ambulance came. 423 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,840 They took me to a cottage hospital. 424 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,680 And I'm in like the emergency room 425 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:30,880 and they're trying to put the needle in my arm or whatever. 426 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,560 And the nurse is standing over there and there's this shelf 427 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,920 and there's a cat on the shelf behind her. 428 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:40,200 I'm like looking and she's going, what are you doing? 429 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:41,280 What are you looking at? 430 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,840 I go, there's a cat behind you. 431 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,360 And then she's like, no, there's not, 432 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:47,680 she was stuck looking at it. 433 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,280 It was like, I'm looking down the hallway. 434 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,240 It's like, oh, there's more, anyway. 435 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:52,800 They got the needle in. 436 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,320 They gave me whatever and I was out. 437 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:59,160 And when I woke up, there was like two trays of food. 438 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,480 I don't know how long I was out. 439 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,720 I was like, and I had no health insurance. 440 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,400 So I mean, it was like four years. 441 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:06,600 Cobra was long gone over. 442 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,680 And I was like, I gotta get out of here. 443 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:09,880 I can't afford this. 444 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,400 And I was like, the doctor came and goes, 445 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,480 you couldn't even walk when you got here. 446 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,520 And so I go, I can walk now. 447 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:16,360 I need to get out. 448 00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:20,400 And they gave me a pass to go back to Casa Esperanza. 449 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,960 And so I don't know if it's day four or five 450 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,640 or whatever it was. 451 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,960 And I go back and maybe it was the next day. 452 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,960 We were circling up for our meetings 453 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,920 and I was the first one to sit down. 454 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,000 And, oh, I forgot to mention this. 455 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,640 I prayed every night. 456 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:40,600 And so I was praying to God while I was drinking. 457 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:41,640 I was praying every night, 458 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,040 God help me be the best person I can be. 459 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:44,880 And I'm drunk. 460 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,960 And I'm doing this night after night, nothing's changing. 461 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,680 And I just, I'm a hypocrite. 462 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:50,840 And what did I do? 463 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,200 I stopped praying. 464 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,440 And I, by the time I stopped drinking, 465 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,360 I was in such a depression 466 00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,640 that I did not wanna wake up anymore. 467 00:20:58,640 --> 00:20:59,760 I wanted to die. 468 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,320 And so when I finally surrendered, 469 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,960 you know, I didn't, I thought it was my willpower. 470 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,920 I didn't know that I was powerless. 471 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,080 I didn't know it was a disease. 472 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,520 I didn't believe any of that. 473 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,560 But I mean, I was open, but I was like, really? 474 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:19,160 And so we were, I prayed ever so hard 475 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,360 when I finally surrendered. 476 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,080 It was like, God, please help me. 477 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:26,240 And that's when I, you know, went into Casa Esperanza. 478 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,720 And so it was, I don't know, day five or six. 479 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,360 We're circling up on the first one to sit down 480 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:34,120 and this feeling comes over me. 481 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,440 And it's kind of like hazy, bubbly. 482 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,320 And it was just like the best feeling 483 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:40,800 I've ever had in my entire life. 484 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,720 I don't know if it lasted a minute or what. 485 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:45,160 It's never happened again. 486 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:48,800 And I realized later that the obsession to drink 487 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,840 was lifted from me. 488 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:52,680 And of course I thought, you know, 489 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:54,720 like any minute I thought it's gonna come back. 490 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,080 All those things they said, it's like, 491 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:59,880 stay away from the alcohol, you know, at the supermarket. 492 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:01,080 Don't go down those aisles. 493 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:02,800 And it's like, you know, I listen. 494 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:06,400 I said, I'll do whatever, you know, the counselors say. 495 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,880 And that's what, that's how I was. 496 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,480 I went on to Casa, Casa Serena. 497 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,840 That was a Victorian house for like 18 women. 498 00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:17,760 And, you know, I was so desperate surrendered 499 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,800 that I was like, what do I do? 500 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:20,640 What do I do? 501 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,720 Just tell me what I'm supposed to do. 502 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,560 And so, but the other women there, 503 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,840 the majority of the women there were like, 504 00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:31,080 well, this is better than being in jail, you know. 505 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,360 And so I was definitely the minority 506 00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:37,440 and I just thought everybody was like me that it wasn't. 507 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:42,440 So, you know, I stayed at Casa Serena for three months 508 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:45,960 and I did the, you know, the work. 509 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,000 Some people got actual jobs 510 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,080 and I said, I'm going, I have to go back home. 511 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:54,160 So I helped fix food for the homeless 512 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:55,560 and I volunteered for that. 513 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,360 But I, you know, I loved it there. 514 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:02,880 And it was like two weeks before I graduated. 515 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:05,200 I said, you gotta let me go home for the weekend. 516 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,360 I need to find a meeting in my area. 517 00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:10,680 And during that time, we, on a Friday night, 518 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:14,360 it would be the Gucci meeting, which was this church. 519 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:16,560 And so much of the majority of the time, 520 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:18,720 the speaker would be, oh, I'm so-and-so, 521 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:19,920 I'm from the Pacific group. 522 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,360 And I was like, the Pacific group, I'm hearing that again. 523 00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:25,360 And so I asked somebody, I go, what's the Pacific group? 524 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:27,400 They go, oh, it's down there where you live. 525 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:30,600 It's a real big group and they're really strict and all. 526 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:33,200 You know, and it's like, I want that, you know. 527 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:38,200 So I kind of knew, you know, I mean, I had a temporary sponsor, 528 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:41,800 temporary because I'm not staying up in Santa Barbara. 529 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:45,200 And so I wanted the Pacific group 530 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:46,680 and I wanted to get a sponsor 531 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:48,080 and I wanted to find a home group. 532 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,000 And so I only had one meeting that I knew of. 533 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,880 And then they go, once you go to that meeting, 534 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,320 then you'll get a directory 535 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,400 and then you'll have all the meetings around you. 536 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:56,240 So I said, okay. 537 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,560 So it was like St. Paul's was the meeting 538 00:23:58,560 --> 00:23:59,960 I was gonna go to in the basement. 539 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:02,480 And I get there, my husband drops me off. 540 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,840 'Cause they have the annual fair going on. 541 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,880 And I was like, okay, I'll see you. 542 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,480 And so I go to where the basement is, 543 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:12,640 it's like antique show down here. 544 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,240 I was like, I called her. 545 00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:17,160 I said, there's no AA meeting here. 546 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:18,840 And I was so upset. 547 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:21,080 He picks me up and then I call central office 548 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,080 and we finally narrowed it down. 549 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:24,840 The next day at nine o'clock, 550 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,480 there's a meeting and he went with me 551 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,800 and we see all the, there's men cleaning there. 552 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:31,600 I go, oh no, it's a men's stag. 553 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:35,440 Anyway, a woman went into the meeting and it's like, oh. 554 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:38,520 And that's where I found Janice was there. 555 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,560 And it turns out it was a Pacific group meeting. 556 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,760 And I got a sponsor, I got a home group 557 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,960 and I found my people. 558 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:52,480 And so I was just so, I know this was all God. 559 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,640 And so anyhow, I was so happy. 560 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:58,240 And then, yeah, then that kind of started my journey. 561 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:00,960 And Janice had me going to a meeting. 562 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,880 Every night you go to a meeting every night 563 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,440 and you get a commitment at every one of your meetings. 564 00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:10,840 And I did that and I said, well, what about the day? 565 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:12,280 And she goes, well, you can, 566 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:14,440 if you wanna go to day meetings, that's fine too. 567 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:15,280 You can pick those. 568 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,080 And so I was going to 14 meetings. 569 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:22,080 So we, for my first year of sobriety, 570 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:26,320 I was pretty messed up. 571 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,920 I took like a year, I think, for me to finally say, 572 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,720 okay, I'm ready to go back to work. 573 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:32,560 But going back to Casa Serena. 574 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,320 So my husband, that divorce that had been filed 575 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,360 was not finalized. 576 00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:40,520 And so he started coming up on the weekends 577 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:44,680 and visiting when I was at Casa Serena. 578 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,640 And I remember this one time we went at the solving 579 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:51,760 and so we're driving up the coast and I was quiet. 580 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,160 And I think, a lot of times when I'm quiet, 581 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,480 I'm like mad about something, I'm pissed off. 582 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:59,640 Like I'm like looking at the hills and the water 583 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:00,920 and he's like, what's wrong? 584 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,120 Because I'm not saying anything. 585 00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:07,080 I go, oh, look at the mountains and the water. 586 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,480 And like, who are you? 587 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:13,080 I think he saw that there was definitely a change in me. 588 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:16,640 And so that divorce just fizzled away 589 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:20,120 and we're actually going to be celebrating next month, 590 00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,360 40 years of marriage. 591 00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:27,360 So there again, it's in God's time. 592 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,040 And so, oh boy. 593 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:33,600 So I started looking for a, thank you, I see that. 594 00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:35,800 I started looking for a job 595 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:39,000 and it was a full-time job, looking for a job. 596 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:41,040 I was, I had that four years. 597 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:44,800 I finally, after like a month of like, this is not working. 598 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,720 I can't have this gap in my resume and volunteering. 599 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:51,080 And so I filled in this gap 600 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:53,320 and I was able to start giving some interviews. 601 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:57,920 And I remember there's like, suddenly it was like four months 602 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:01,000 after I started looking, I'm getting two hits 603 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,640 and one was a full-time job. 604 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,840 And this other one was like three days a week. 605 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:09,560 And both of them wanted me back for like a second interview. 606 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:12,480 And I was like, God, I don't ask for signs, 607 00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,720 but please give me a sign. 608 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,920 And so I went for the part-time one 609 00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:20,840 and the office manager, she was showing me around 610 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,160 and she goes, and this would be your office. 611 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,160 And I had, in my old office, 612 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:28,840 I had these two Mediterranean prints on the wall 613 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:32,160 that had purchased and right up there 614 00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:33,560 was two Mediterranean prints. 615 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:36,480 And one of them was exactly the one that I had purchased. 616 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:39,360 And I said, that same print was in my old office. 617 00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:42,200 And she actually said, that must be a sign. 618 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:45,120 And I said, and that's the job I took. 619 00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:46,840 And you know what, it was perfect. 620 00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:50,760 I needed that starting again with the three days. 621 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:53,040 And then within a year, it was four days. 622 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:57,440 And that was like almost 16 years ago and I'm still there. 623 00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:01,520 So that was my first job in sobriety 624 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,240 and I still have it and I love it. 625 00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:04,600 I love getting up every day. 626 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:07,600 I'm afraid to quit my job, right? 627 00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:11,640 Yeah, I just, I love getting up, getting dressed, 628 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:16,640 going to work and yeah, my coworker has 21 years. 629 00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:19,880 We just have an interview and she's gonna work remotely. 630 00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:23,080 And so we're looking for somebody that could be 631 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:25,320 admin assistant, we've just been interviewing. 632 00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:30,320 And I just pray every day to God and I have faith 633 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,480 that he's gonna put the right one in our path 634 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:34,600 and it's gonna be fine. 635 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:39,600 And so what I do now, I've done the steps twice. 636 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:43,360 The first time I did the steps was just kind of, 637 00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:46,160 I think, getting through them and knowing what they were 638 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:48,160 and just knowing all the assignments. 639 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:52,720 And then I wanna say six, seven years later, 640 00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:54,640 I did the steps again. 641 00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:58,320 So it was a different process where it was like, 642 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:01,400 they say killing that layer where you're getting in deeper 643 00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:05,720 and then getting sponsors and then taking them 644 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:10,720 through the book and seeing them come to life and grow. 645 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:15,800 It's such a wonderful program. 646 00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:20,920 It saved my life and I've seen it save so many other lives. 647 00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:25,520 And I have my siblings that are alcoholics 648 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:28,600 on the most part and have found recovery. 649 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:32,120 One did and one is kind of trying to control it again 650 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:34,680 and because their kids moved out of the house 651 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:39,160 and it's like, and then one has never found sobriety 652 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:42,920 and he just had part, I think, part of his big toe removed 653 00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:46,480 because it's affecting his body. 654 00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:51,040 But I mentioned I have Alan on now, 655 00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:55,200 which has really helped me know that I need to focus 656 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:58,920 on myself and be helped and be supportive 657 00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:00,840 of the ones around me. 658 00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:03,040 And that's all I can do. 659 00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:05,720 But if I could just leave it with, 660 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:10,240 I came in here wanting to die and now I have a life 661 00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:12,520 that I love waking up every day. 662 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:15,280 I hit my knees, now I roll out of bed, 663 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:16,920 I hit my knees and I said, 664 00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:19,960 "First thing is God, thank you for another beautiful day." 665 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:22,280 And when I sleep at night, I say, 666 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,560 "God, thank you for another day of sobriety." 667 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:26,280 I say my morning and nightly prayers. 668 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,560 I read a daily reflection. 669 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:30,360 I call my sponsor every day. 670 00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:33,040 I might call my Alan on sponsor once a week. 671 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,760 I go to five meetings and I would never step away. 672 00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,040 I've never stepped away from the program 673 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:41,160 because I thought I was doing okay. 674 00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:43,360 I've never, never stepped away. 675 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,600 So I think I'm that finished. 676 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:47,480 And I wanna thank you all 677 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:49,200 for letting me share here tonight. 678 00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:50,040 Thank you.