1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,680 - I'm an alcoholic, my name is Fernando. 2 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:02,520 - Hi, Fernando. 3 00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:04,220 - Yes, there's another mic. 4 00:00:04,220 --> 00:00:07,360 Welcome if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous. 5 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:08,520 I'm really happy to be here. 6 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:10,240 I wanna thank, well, I would thank Ben 7 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:12,240 for inviting me, he's not here though. 8 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,560 Thank you for filling in. 9 00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:16,120 Appreciate doing anything for Alcoholics Anonymous 10 00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:19,320 that I'm asked to do as a way to try to pay back 11 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,320 Alcoholics Anonymous for the life it's given me, 12 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:23,340 a life I did not know I wanted, 13 00:00:23,340 --> 00:00:26,880 and it's turned me into someone I didn't know I wanted to be 14 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,500 and didn't wanna be, to be honest. 15 00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:30,800 - And thank you for your 10 minute lead and your share. 16 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,040 That was awesome. 17 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:33,160 - I need it all I need to hear. 18 00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:36,240 But I'm supposed to talk for, 19 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:37,600 until the lights tell me to shut up, 20 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:38,620 so I'm gonna try to do that. 21 00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:41,560 And because I've worked the steps with the sponsor 22 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,420 out of the big book inside of a home group, 23 00:00:43,420 --> 00:00:46,460 I have a sobriety date of April 28, 1998. 24 00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:48,680 For that, I owe Alcoholics Anonymous my life. 25 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:52,060 That is not possible without you guys. 26 00:00:52,060 --> 00:00:54,160 I know that because for eight to 10 years 27 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:55,640 before my current sobriety date, 28 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,340 I went in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous 29 00:00:57,340 --> 00:00:58,240 going to treatment centers. 30 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:01,560 I was more out than in, but I had been to AA before. 31 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,240 And as a teenager, I started getting sent to AA, 32 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:05,080 not my idea. 33 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:08,120 I did not come to AA, judges and school administrators 34 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,660 and different people thought I should check out AA. 35 00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:12,440 They apparently had a problem with my drinking. 36 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:13,280 I did not. 37 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,640 I was having fun, so I was kind of confused, 38 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,600 but didn't have a choice 'cause I was a teenager. 39 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,160 My parents kind of co-signed that. 40 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,960 And it would be profound arrogance. 41 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,460 So this is not my first sobriety date, 42 00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:25,760 but it would be really stupid and foolish 43 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,560 if I think this is my last sobriety date 44 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,080 because I can drink again. 45 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:31,600 Far more spiritual, serious people 46 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:33,840 in Alcoholics Anonymous have drank than me. 47 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,320 One of them I was married to, my first wife, 48 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,120 a far more honest spiritual person than me. 49 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:39,800 And she's drinking herself to death 50 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,240 in the streets of New Orleans. 51 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:43,760 So I don't take my sobriety for granted. 52 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,640 And the only answer to an AA request is yes, 53 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,160 because I have a friend. 54 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,800 We were supposed to do a panel like 15 years ago. 55 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,680 And she told me, "I can't go." 56 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:53,580 And I was like, "That's fine." 57 00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:55,160 And then she called me up two weeks later 58 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:56,360 and was like, "Did I drink?" 59 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,800 Like, "If I'd gone, I wouldn't have drank it." 60 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:02,520 And so I try to hang on to what I have, you know? 61 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,840 And one day is like a big deal to me. 62 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:08,160 Like, remember how much time you got? 63 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,000 It's, when I was new, this old timer, Kip Collins, 64 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:11,840 who's at the big meeting, 65 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,200 and this guy who used to sponsor my friend 66 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,480 used to tell me it's easier to stay sober. 67 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:19,000 It's way easier to stay sober 68 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,860 than it is to try to get sober again. 69 00:02:20,860 --> 00:02:22,160 And I've had that experience. 70 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:24,720 And so like, I know that no matter how inconvenient 71 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,080 or difficult it is to do things to stay sober today, 72 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,480 it is gonna be way harder to get sober, 73 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:33,080 especially if I'm in prison or in the hospital 74 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,680 or the things that happen to me when I drink. 75 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,880 So I was born in Los Angeles. 76 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:38,560 Both my parents were born in Los Angeles. 77 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:39,560 Doesn't make me an alcoholic, 78 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:42,360 but it made being a teenage alcoholic a lot of fun 79 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:46,560 because we, where I grew up in the East side of LA, 80 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,200 in LA County, they would, most, 81 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,320 we knew the liquor stores that would sell to people, 82 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,760 you could be like 10 years old and they'd sell you alcohol. 83 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:54,840 And so that was cool. 84 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:58,680 And then I had cousins that were drug dealers. 85 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:02,000 Oh, my current sponsor, before I forget, is Allenby. 86 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,320 And my current home group is a Pacific group. 87 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,600 It takes a village to keep an alcoholic sober. 88 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:08,680 And I'm the village idiot in that group. 89 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,440 So they tolerate me. 90 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,240 So, but, so my parents are not alcoholic. 91 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:15,800 My grandfathers are alcoholic, 92 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:20,600 but my parents met at Griffith Park in the sixties 93 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,040 at a Janice Joplin and Jimi Hendrix concert. 94 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:26,080 And then, and then I was told recently 95 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,720 I was conceived in the bathroom of the whiskey 96 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:29,800 at Sunset Strip. 97 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:35,880 And, and my dad is Hispanic and my mother's dad is Hispanic 98 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,000 and his mother is Jewish from Spain. 99 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:42,400 So I'm really stereotypically LA person, 100 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,560 but that doesn't make me alcoholic. 101 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:48,480 Actually, I hated the fact that I lived in LA growing up 102 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:51,600 and wished I didn't live, you know, as an alcoholic, 103 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,040 I wished I lived anywhere and had any other family 104 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:54,880 than my family. 105 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,080 And I'm never comfortable where I'm at. 106 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,240 And I'm never happy with what I got. 107 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,280 And, you know, I actually grew up 108 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:04,960 with extremely loving parents who were not alcoholics. 109 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:08,440 And as a first born male in a Hispanic family, 110 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:09,640 I was treated like a deity. 111 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,560 So I had everything I needed for sure. 112 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,880 And, and usually got what I wanted. 113 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,560 I don't remember ever being told no, 114 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,440 that might make me alcoholic, but, 115 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:23,440 but I had one sibling and, and the first time I drank, 116 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:24,760 I was in middle school. 117 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:27,760 It was the summer between sixth and seventh grade. 118 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:32,280 And my, my cousins asked me to sneak out with them. 119 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:33,280 And so I did. 120 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:34,960 And then I was really, as a kid, 121 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,360 I was really introverted, shy, quiet, a bookworm. 122 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:40,440 I grew up around a lot of books with my, 123 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,160 my mom was an avid book reader. 124 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,560 And, and so like, I just was kind of like scared of kids. 125 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:49,040 Cause like my age and definitely kids older than me. 126 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,720 So my, I was going into middle school. 127 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,200 My cousins were in high school and middle school already. 128 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,000 So I was like, oh, they're gonna, 129 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,920 I'm gonna say something stupid and they're gonna realize 130 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,600 that I'm too young to be hanging around them. 131 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,680 They're gonna make me go back with the younger kids. 132 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:02,360 And so I was like actually terrified, 133 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:04,680 but I wanted to try to fit in. 134 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,800 So I snuck out and as an alcoholic, 135 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,680 I don't need to, to really have experience 136 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,560 or know what you're talking about, 137 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,080 to act like I know what you're talking about. 138 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,600 My cousin was like, hey, we're going to sneak out 139 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,160 and drink and party, you party, right? 140 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,440 And I was like, oh yeah, I'm banging rocks every weekend. 141 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:23,480 And he was like, what? 142 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,840 So whatever dude, like, yeah, sneak out and meet us, 143 00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:28,680 you know, behind the church on the corner of White and Gary, 144 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:30,720 I think it was, but so I snuck out 145 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:34,560 and then they were passing around something in a brown bag, 146 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:37,160 which I know today is, is, is a malt liquor 147 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:38,840 and passing around stuff, smoking it. 148 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:40,640 And then, and I was nervous. 149 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:41,680 I never drank. 150 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:44,840 I was kind of scared, not because I, my grandparents, 151 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,880 I just had no knowledge of alcoholism. 152 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,120 It really wasn't talked about or no preconception. 153 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:50,320 So I wasn't scared about that. 154 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,120 I just thought I would like look stupid 155 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,360 and throw up or something. 156 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:54,920 And, but I took a drink. 157 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:58,000 I just watched people, which is what I have always done. 158 00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,440 Watched people and copy what they did. 159 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,240 And then I took a big swig on the alcohol. 160 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:02,320 It tasted horrible. 161 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,160 And I passed and was like, that was gross. 162 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,760 And then to myself and then took a big hit 163 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:08,360 off of the cigarette there, passing around, 164 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,120 cough my brains out and then try to play it off 165 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,880 like I wasn't hacking along. 166 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:15,560 And then, and then they went around again and again, 167 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:19,040 and then, and then probably like 30 minutes into it, 168 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:20,280 I had a spiritual awakening. 169 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,320 There's magical release and freedom in a bottle for me. 170 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,800 Like I, Mike, I was transformed inside and outside. 171 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,040 Like, like it's a disease of perception. 172 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:32,680 My entire perception was shifted to being comfortable. 173 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,240 And like, when I first was going to hang with my cousins, 174 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,800 I was worried that I was going to be their lower companion 175 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:38,640 or not worthy. 176 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:41,800 And then I was like, why am I hanging around these losers? 177 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,320 Like they were my lower companions. 178 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,480 Like I was like, and I, and I could laugh and have fun 179 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,800 and talk like a grownup, whatever that been. 180 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,480 Talk about sex I hadn't had yet. 181 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,040 Like I had like, just like totally like, you know, 182 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:54,680 it just was an awesome night. 183 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:59,160 Like if you're a shy, introverted, quiet, scared kid like me 184 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,400 and you find something that is a solution, all that, 185 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,760 and they like set you free and you can come out and play 186 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:05,920 and be with other people and have a good time 187 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,960 and not take yourself too seriously and not overthink everything. 188 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,960 Man, I'm like, I'm in, like already I'm like 100%, 189 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,040 like I'm going to do this as much as I can, as often as I can. 190 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,440 And so my cousins were drug dealers. 191 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,480 So we started, I immediately tried to hang around them 192 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:24,160 all the time and was like, yeah, let me, you know, help. 193 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:28,840 And, and they did, you know, and so as a kid, you know, 194 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,000 I, there were liquor stores that would sell us, 195 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,360 but they were across town. 196 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:34,800 So it's not easy to drink every day, 197 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:39,040 but there was always drugs around and I do drugs alcoholically. 198 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:41,520 And what I mean by this is my cousin sold weed. 199 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,960 So like we would have weed and I would smoke weed 200 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,960 and we'd be high and then I would smoke more 201 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,440 and then I'd smoke more and they're like, dude, 202 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:49,000 like you literally can't get any higher. 203 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,280 Like at this point you're wasting the weed 204 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:52,600 and that's my alcohols. 205 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,480 I want, that one's too many, a thousand isn't enough. 206 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:58,520 If anything feels good, I'm going to do it and just do it. 207 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,760 Even if I'm not getting an enhancement or benefit from it, 208 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:02,640 I'm going to keep doing it. 209 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,840 And, and so when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous 210 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:08,320 the first time that, that I had to go to a treatment program 211 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,800 in my late teens, I was convinced I was a drug addict 212 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,760 because that was obviously a problem. 213 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,720 But there was a, there was some old dude there. 214 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:17,160 He was 17 years sober. 215 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,520 He was the only sober alcoholic in the treatment center. 216 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:22,360 My first treatment center and his name was Jim. 217 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:23,200 I hated Jim. 218 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,080 He was like always busting my balls. 219 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:26,200 Like you're an alcoholic. 220 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,120 I'm like, I'm not dude. 221 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,960 You're an alcoholic because you're lame and you're old. 222 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,800 Old people are alcoholics. I've been to A. 223 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,000 A was like, I grew up in an atheist home. 224 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,560 I'm a third generation atheist. 225 00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:40,040 My grandparents were atheists and my parents were atheists 226 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,440 in the home I was growing up in. 227 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,360 And so I was like, when they took me to my first A, 228 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:44,920 meaning I was like, what is this? 229 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,560 This is like religious special ed. 230 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,520 Like what, like I don't get it. 231 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,840 Like they're not even talking about a specific, 232 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,360 like a Jewish God, like, you know, a Catholic. 233 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,400 No, it's a God of our understanding. 234 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:57,960 I was like, wow, this is really. 235 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,200 So I immediately was like, I mean, 236 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,760 I thought in treatment that like we're at treatment all day 237 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,240 and we're doing groups in like individual therapy. 238 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:10,600 So I thought recovery and like from whatever's wrong with me 239 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,360 drug addiction, I thought at the time, 240 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,880 like we're doing recovery at the treatment center. 241 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,120 And I thought AA and other 12 step programs 242 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,400 were like extra credit or like for people that believed 243 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,480 in God, neither which applied to me. 244 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,480 So I would like take naps in meetings and not listen 245 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:25,720 or care or pay attention. 246 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,440 But Jim, who I could not escape because he worked 247 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:30,840 in the treatment center I was at was always like, 248 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:31,680 you're a juicer. 249 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:32,960 I'm like, I'm not a juicer bro. 250 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,000 I'm not an alcoholic. 251 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,560 And then one time, so we had family week 252 00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:40,520 and my family came once, my parents and I thought, yeah, 253 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:41,360 that was lame. 254 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:42,200 They were kind of boring. 255 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:46,000 And so then I was, one week I brought a girl, 256 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:49,240 a girlfriend and whatever. 257 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,600 And then the next week I brought a different girl, 258 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:52,640 but they were both blond. 259 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:54,560 So I thought, well, no one will notice. 260 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:57,640 And Jim was like, that's not the same girl. 261 00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,520 And I'm like, dude, why are you always on my ass? 262 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,560 And he's all, the fact that you have two girlfriends 263 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,640 proves you're an alcoholic. 264 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,120 And I'm like, no, it's complicated. 265 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:06,960 And he's all, yeah. 266 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:11,400 And so it's interesting when I left that treatment center, 267 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,920 the non-alcoholic staff told me all the time 268 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:18,960 I was the best patient doing so great that I was voted 269 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,080 most likely to stay sober forever. 270 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:25,280 Like a model patient really got to the core of things, 271 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,680 whatever, whatever they do in treatment, 272 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,720 I don't know how it was there, but I still don't know. 273 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,360 And Jim was like, oh yeah, you know, when you come back. 274 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:34,760 And I was like, I'm not coming back. 275 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,920 And he's all, he said, it's not if we drink, it's when. 276 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,120 And he didn't say you, he said we. 277 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,320 It's not if you drink, if we drink, it's when. 278 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:44,520 And I was out of that treatment center for a week 279 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,760 and I drank and off to the races again. 280 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:51,600 So I didn't go to AA for a while or anything 281 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,960 'cause I'd finished the court had ordered. 282 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,920 But, and I kept my job 'cause I was gonna get fired 283 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,760 from where I was at, so I didn't go to treatment. 284 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:04,480 But in like the couple of years that since I was there, 285 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,440 by the time I got to AA this time, 286 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:08,840 my parents had disowned me 287 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,640 'cause I beat my mom up in a blackout. 288 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,400 My dad threatened to kill me 289 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,560 if I ever was in the neighborhood we lived in. 290 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:15,400 We're from East LA. 291 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,480 And my dad is one of the founding members, 292 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,280 one of the biggest gangs that still exists today. 293 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,600 And he was in prison at that point 294 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,080 and called me from prison and was like, 295 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:25,120 if you don't leave the house 296 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,080 or I hear you're in the neighborhood, 297 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:27,440 I'll have you killed from this prison, 298 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:28,520 I won't you beat up your mom. 299 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,260 I had drug dealers in front of me 300 00:11:30,260 --> 00:11:31,720 from South Central Los Angeles 301 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,960 in front of me $10,000 worth of coke to sell for them. 302 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,160 One night I accidentally smoked it all. 303 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,500 It can happen, right? 304 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,200 They kidnapped my girlfriend and murdered her. 305 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:44,320 And a public defender told me the FBI was investigating me. 306 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,520 And so I was like, I got to get out of LA. 307 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:49,720 And I was in junior college at that point 308 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,000 and could transfer to a four-year university. 309 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,560 And then I met a woman who I knew from high school kinda, 310 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,600 but we never really talked. 311 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:01,320 I was like a metalhead kid and she was like a school, 312 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,480 like honor roll student, whatever. 313 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:06,120 We started talking and I told her, 314 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,920 she's like, yeah, I'm going to college in Orange County, 315 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:11,120 have my own place. 316 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:14,800 And I live by myself, blah, blah, blah. 317 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:15,920 And I was like, wow, that's... 318 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,480 And so I'm a taker, so I'm a loser. 319 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,160 The takers in life are losers. 320 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,200 The winners in life are the givers. 321 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,600 Just look around alcoholics anonymous, 322 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,520 the losers are the takers, the winners are the givers. 323 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,100 And in life, you can look outside of it and that's true. 324 00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:33,640 But so of course I'm like sized up the situation. 325 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,800 I'm like, I've always really crushed on you, 326 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:36,640 always loved you. 327 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,940 And she was just, and she fell for it. 328 00:12:38,940 --> 00:12:41,080 So she let me move in with her. 329 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:44,840 So I'm not like a mastermind criminal genius. 330 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:46,180 I didn't move to New York, Florida. 331 00:12:46,180 --> 00:12:48,800 I moved 30 minutes away to Orange County. 332 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,720 They could have gotten a call when you told me. 333 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,800 But I thought I'm on a college campus. 334 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,160 There's no way they'll find me. 335 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:57,560 And I was there and I enrolled and gotten to school. 336 00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:58,880 School's always been easy for me, 337 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,880 probably because of my mom's family 338 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,160 and how much she had me reading growing up. 339 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:05,880 So I was attending a four year university 340 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,980 and basically my alcoholism was getting worse. 341 00:13:08,980 --> 00:13:13,320 And the big book says, they might, like the big book says, 342 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:14,840 my thinking and drinking were getting worse. 343 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:16,140 I was getting more insane. 344 00:13:16,140 --> 00:13:18,520 My alcohols and drugs were getting worse 345 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:20,520 and I was becoming extremely violent 346 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,600 and putting hands on my girlfriend at the time 347 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,000 who had become my fiance. 348 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:30,000 And so I went to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, I think. 349 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,460 I came out of a blackout and I was in a tube 350 00:13:32,460 --> 00:13:33,680 and there was a loud clicking noise 351 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,020 and they're doing MRI on my brain. 352 00:13:35,020 --> 00:13:37,000 They said I was taking the hospital unconscious. 353 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,960 They said my liver and kidneys were shutting down 354 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,560 and they said, your immune system is so destroyed. 355 00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:44,120 You got mold right in your back, a big patch of mold. 356 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:45,200 We think you have AIDS. 357 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,280 They test me and said, you're HIV negative. 358 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:48,820 And then they said, you do drugs and alcohol. 359 00:13:48,820 --> 00:13:49,880 And I was like, I'm really, 360 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,720 I'm super offended that you would suggest 361 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:53,880 to do drugs and alcohol. 362 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,360 They're like, well, you had a really high blood alcohol 363 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:57,200 when you got here. 364 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,900 And I was like, I want to file a complaint 365 00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:00,160 when you see your manager. 366 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:03,080 Are you accusing him of being a drug addict alcoholic? 367 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,320 And they were like, you can't stay here. 368 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,820 You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. 369 00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:08,800 You don't have health insurance. 370 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,680 So I went to the apartment that I lived out with 371 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:13,160 with my girlfriend and it was totally empty. 372 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,040 She got a U-Haul truck while I was in the hospital 373 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:15,880 and ran from the life. 374 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,120 So I'm delusional and thought, 375 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,380 oh, I didn't know we were moving. 376 00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:21,960 And I thought, well, I'll just post up here 377 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,860 until she comes and gets and takes me to our new place. 378 00:14:24,860 --> 00:14:27,920 And my past sponsor, Jeff, used to remind me, 379 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,840 it's been 25 years now she hasn't come to gate news. 380 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:33,980 But I thought that there's no way she would leave me. 381 00:14:33,980 --> 00:14:37,280 And so I would wait for her to come. 382 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:39,160 I would get panhandle every day 383 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,600 to get enough money to drink into a blackout. 384 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,320 I'd wake up, I'm curled in the fetal position 385 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,640 in an empty apartment that she used to live in 386 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:49,840 and I wasn't on the lease that she used to pay rent for. 387 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:51,120 I have no way to pay the rent. 388 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,280 And she, I would wake up and curse to God, 389 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,860 I didn't believe him for letting me wake up on 5 p.m., 390 00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:59,300 go panhandle, beg for more money, start drinking again, 391 00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:02,560 drink into a blackout, wake up about 5 p.m. the next day. 392 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,680 So, and that was like my life, 393 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:06,880 the cycle of my life and my daily routine. 394 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:10,840 And the Fortune Alano Club, I was going to college, 395 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,040 we used to be in the middle. 396 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:13,680 It's a bar town, it's a drinking town, 397 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:14,760 a college drinking town. 398 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:15,960 They used to have their Alano Club 399 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,280 in the middle of all the bars. 400 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:20,480 And I thought it was a bar 401 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,040 because everybody standing outside looked like drunks. 402 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,040 They were smoking and drinking coffee. 403 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:28,120 And there was like a bar in every direction, 404 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:29,560 five feet from the Alano Club. 405 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,840 And so I went in and tried to buy a drink 406 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:34,720 and they were like, "Well, we don't sell alcohol, 407 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:35,840 "but here's a free cup of coffee, 408 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:37,040 "you should try to hang out." 409 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,320 And so I'm outside minding my own business, 410 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:42,400 like looking for someone to panhandle more money 411 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:43,760 or thinking what to do next. 412 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:47,320 And this kid, Keon, he was 21 years old and two years old, 413 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,560 came up and started like, was way too excited, 414 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,000 way too worried about what was going on with me, 415 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,320 way too interested in me. 416 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,160 He was like, "What's your deal? 417 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:56,000 "What's up? 418 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:56,820 "What's going on?" 419 00:15:56,820 --> 00:15:57,660 I'm like, "Whoa." 420 00:15:57,660 --> 00:15:59,780 And then he's like, "Are you going to the meeting?" 421 00:15:59,780 --> 00:16:01,600 I was like, "Uh, I guess." 422 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,260 You know, I thought he would like, 423 00:16:03,260 --> 00:16:05,520 I thought actually he acted like he was drunk. 424 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:06,360 He was not. 425 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,240 He just was really probably drunk on the steps. 426 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,680 He was trying to 12-step me. 427 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:13,000 He was drunk on a different spiritual experience. 428 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,900 And to this day, the most enthusiastic, excited person 429 00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:18,240 about AI I've ever met. 430 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,000 And so I went, it was during the break, 431 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,640 we went in the meeting and then after the meeting, 432 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,200 he was like, "Do you want to go to a meeting tomorrow?" 433 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,620 My home group meets tomorrow and I'm like, 434 00:16:25,620 --> 00:16:27,420 "Nah, dude, I'm like way too busy. 435 00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,640 "Like I literally told you guys what I do." 436 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,120 Like I'm way too busy, I have a lot of stuff to do, 437 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:35,120 a lot of suicide to think about, like I'm really busy. 438 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:38,840 And he was like, "Oh, my home group has a huge steak dinner 439 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,080 "with free food and then we have the meeting." 440 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:42,680 And I couldn't remember the last time I ate. 441 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,280 So I was like, "Oh yeah, I'm totally down, pick me up." 442 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:48,320 So my plan was to go to the meeting and eat 443 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,080 and then like bounce before the meeting started. 444 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,360 And I was 12-step into a group 445 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,120 where that's not even possible. 446 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,560 A group like my current home group. 447 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,360 Everybody obviously knew I was new, 448 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,960 even though it was a huge meeting, like 300 people. 449 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,640 And everybody came up to me and was, 450 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:03,960 "Oh, you're new, you're new." 451 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,000 And then this guy named Jeff Nichols was like, 452 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:06,840 "Oh, are you new?" 453 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,120 And I was like, "No, I started coming to meetings 454 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,720 "10 years ago." 455 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,200 He's all, "Oh, you're 10 years sober?" 456 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,600 I'm like, "No, I drank on the way to the meeting actually." 457 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,220 And he was like, "Well, if you're not new 458 00:17:17,220 --> 00:17:18,900 "and you've been here before, what's gonna be different? 459 00:17:18,900 --> 00:17:20,080 "What are you gonna do different? 460 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,540 "Or are you just gonna be a drunken loser again? 461 00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:22,680 "You're just gonna go out? 462 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:23,680 "Like what are you gonna do different? 463 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,920 "You've been here before, you act like you know everything." 464 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,720 And I was like, I made the mistake of thinking out loud 465 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,400 and I was like, "Well, I've never gotten a sponsor 466 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:31,440 "and worked all the steps." 467 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,880 And he said, he got excited, I was like, "Who brought you?" 468 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:34,720 And I said, "Keon." 469 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,160 I asked Keon to be a sponsor. 470 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:37,460 And I was like, "I don't know, Keon. 471 00:17:37,460 --> 00:17:38,800 "I just met him yesterday." 472 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,920 And Jeff got all crazy on me and he said, 473 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:43,120 "Don't be a little bee. 474 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:45,340 "You're overthinking it, it's not that big of a deal. 475 00:17:45,340 --> 00:17:46,360 "It's not a marriage. 476 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:47,920 "Ask him to be your sponsor tonight. 477 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,000 "If you change your mind later, 478 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,280 "he can change your sponsors. 479 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:51,600 "Just take action tonight. 480 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:52,960 "It's a program of action, 481 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,420 "not of thinking or doing stuff when you feel like it." 482 00:17:55,420 --> 00:17:57,980 And that has served me well to this day. 483 00:17:57,980 --> 00:17:59,160 It's still what I live by. 484 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,840 So I asked Keon to be my sponsor. 485 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:01,880 I got a big book. 486 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:02,820 I got a commitment. 487 00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:03,840 I got a home group. 488 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,480 Things I did not want and did not ask for, I got. 489 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,280 And that was the beginning of this sobriety. 490 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:11,400 When I was about a year sober, Keon relapsed. 491 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,360 And his sponsor told me, 492 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,920 what Keon had been telling me for 11 months, 493 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,360 that the shelf life of the steps is one day, 494 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:19,560 then I'm not gonna stay sober 495 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,880 in yesterday's program or what I did yesterday. 496 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:23,680 I only stay sober, safe, sane, 497 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,280 and comfortable on what I do today. 498 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:27,080 Not yesterday, not what I did last week. 499 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,960 And I didn't believe Keon, 500 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,120 but I believed him when he relapsed. 501 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:35,200 And I thought alcoholism was like a myth or not real 502 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,560 or something they were using to scare us and keep us in A. 503 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,400 But I knew Keon drank against his will. 504 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,760 He had a sobriety date and A symbols tattooed on his body. 505 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:44,040 And I know he loved AA, 506 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,120 but he is susceptible to what we all are susceptible, 507 00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:49,320 resting on our laurels, however long that takes. 508 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:50,320 We don't know. 509 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,640 Guy from my home group, Steve Lopez, Steve L, 510 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,400 says that we all get a certain amount 511 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,560 of idiot time around here. 512 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:58,600 And we don't know if it's one day, half a day, or 10 years. 513 00:18:58,600 --> 00:18:59,920 And I'm not willing to take that risk. 514 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:01,240 Today, then I was, 515 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:04,280 but now it's a matter of life or death for me every day. 516 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,640 And taking it serious every day, 517 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,200 seeing it as a matter of life or death 518 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,200 and taking actions every day and really being on top, 519 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:12,400 be working my program aggressively 520 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,560 and proactively on a daily basis. 521 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,760 Not only do I stay sober, but my life gets better. 522 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,120 So it's like, I don't look forward to it 523 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:20,560 and I dread it sometimes. 524 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:21,800 I'm gonna be honest. 525 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,280 You are the people I can be honest with. 526 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,080 But when I do it and I complete it, 527 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,640 my life progressively gets better 528 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,160 and I get more comfortable in my skin 529 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,360 and I have hope and promise for tomorrow. 530 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:32,360 Because if I'm left to what I wanna do, 531 00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,240 in half a day, I wanna kill myself. 532 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,160 I'm immediately like feeling sorry for myself. 533 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:42,160 My disease is really shows up as I want what I don't have. 534 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,280 You know, I want other people's stuff. 535 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:45,480 And I know I'm good. 536 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:46,720 And then I'm spiritually fit 537 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:47,960 when I don't want what I don't have 538 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,040 and I'm happy with what I got. 539 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,080 And that's most of the time I'm in that condition 540 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:54,880 because I treat my alcoholism aggressively and proactively. 541 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:58,600 And when my, I try to, in my group, 542 00:19:58,600 --> 00:19:59,960 there's stuff to do every day. 543 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:00,880 And I try to do that. 544 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,080 I sponsor people and talk to other alcoholics every day 545 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:03,920 that I sponsor. 546 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,280 I talk to my sponsor twice a week on the phone, 547 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:07,480 my check-in days. 548 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,200 And I talk to my sponsors every day 549 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,920 and I see my sponsor at least twice a week in person, 550 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,440 usually more than twice a week. 551 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,360 And yeah, it's a pain in the ass. 552 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:16,200 It sucks. 553 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,020 It's a grind. 554 00:20:17,020 --> 00:20:18,880 It's a lot of tedious footwork, 555 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,240 but the alternative is not worth it. 556 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:24,200 Like always, I feel really comfortable in my skin 557 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,560 and I feel like a man and I can look the world in the eye 558 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:27,720 and have self-respect. 559 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,880 Things I don't have when I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. 560 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,680 And my sponsor told me the last time I talked to him, 561 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,400 we don't get to feel sorry for ourselves in the end 562 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,080 because I was feeling sorry for myself. 563 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:40,040 So, key on relapse, and then I moved to Oregon, 564 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,340 got a girl pregnant from a meeting in Silver Lake, 565 00:20:42,340 --> 00:20:43,840 had to come back to LA. 566 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:45,700 We were trying to raise my son together. 567 00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:47,120 We weren't together. 568 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:49,200 We never were like boyfriend and girlfriend really, 569 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,400 and never lived together. 570 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,200 Just like I was trying to step up 571 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,320 and do what I was supposed to do, what I've been taught here. 572 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,020 I went for a while without a sponsor. 573 00:20:56,020 --> 00:20:58,140 I was only like over a little over a year sober 574 00:20:58,140 --> 00:21:00,380 and me and her almost killed each other 575 00:21:00,380 --> 00:21:01,800 because I was untreated. 576 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:02,880 She was untreated. 577 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,160 We weren't going to meetings. 578 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,580 After Keyon went out, I stopped going to my first home group 579 00:21:06,580 --> 00:21:09,680 and I ran into a meeting and tackled the first guy I saw 580 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:11,060 and begged him to be my sponsor and was like, 581 00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:12,720 "Dude, I'm going insane." 582 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,160 Like this, I got a girl pregnant 583 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,200 and it's totally an overwhelming situation. 584 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,880 And he got me back in the process, 585 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,760 got me back into a program of action. 586 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,320 And that treated all my problems 587 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,480 and took care of all my problems at the time, 588 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,660 which was not employed enough to raise a child. 589 00:21:29,660 --> 00:21:31,560 And then when my son's mother was, 590 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:35,280 when my son was not even walking yet, he was months old, 591 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,040 his mother relapsed and went to prison. 592 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:38,920 And I ended up with full legal 593 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,440 and physical custody of a newborn baby. 594 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,400 And when I was drinking and using, 595 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,200 even though I was capable of getting good grades in college, 596 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,560 before I was sober, 597 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,520 they wouldn't have given me custody of a goldfish. 598 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:50,720 They would have said, "You're in the bushes. 599 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:51,560 "You're going to kill it." 600 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,000 And I got full custody of an actual human baby. 601 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,940 And I was terrified and uncertain. 602 00:21:56,940 --> 00:21:59,320 And like, I thought I was going to kill the baby. 603 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,400 But people, I leaned harder into Alcoholics Anonymous 604 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,080 and people in AA showed me how to be a father, 605 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:06,360 helped me take care of my son, 606 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,040 watched him while I went to meetings, babysat him. 607 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:10,440 I took him to a lot of meetings. 608 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,880 And when he was about a year old, 609 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,040 so if that hadn't happened, 610 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:17,440 not that I think God got my son's mother drunk 611 00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:19,800 so that I could be a good dad or whatever, 612 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,180 but I got to see my son's first steps 613 00:22:22,180 --> 00:22:23,080 and hear his first words, 614 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,600 things his mother did not get to see 615 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:25,640 because she was in jail. 616 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:29,280 And now I'm so grateful for the fact that I've been, 617 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:32,480 because before that, I was still a dirt bag and selfish. 618 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:33,800 And if she didn't go to jail, 619 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:36,160 I didn't go visit my son that often. 620 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,200 And I certainly was not paying her child's, 621 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,800 I was paying it really sporadically. 622 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:43,860 And then it flipped where I had to change his diapers 623 00:22:43,860 --> 00:22:45,240 and it was kind of like unwilling, 624 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:46,960 but AA was there. 625 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,640 I had a foundation and I did have a new home group. 626 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,560 And everything I was taking care of 627 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,040 and my son was taking care of. 628 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,880 I met another woman who's 60 days sober. 629 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:59,000 And I thought, well, this one's cured and married that one. 630 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,240 And that was an experience. 631 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,240 She was taken out of our, 632 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:08,560 living out of our house in straps down 633 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:09,920 'cause she tried to kill herself. 634 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:10,800 She was newly sober. 635 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:11,800 She did not relapse, 636 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,340 but that let her know that she needed 637 00:23:13,340 --> 00:23:15,520 to work in aggressive program. 638 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:16,840 And then she got really involved 639 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,960 and was a really, really good member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 640 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,680 And when we were in our lives, we're getting better. 641 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:22,800 And she helped raise my son. 642 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,800 She raised a kid that was not her biological father, 643 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,200 mother, her biological child. 644 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,160 And when his mother got out of jail, 645 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,840 his mother tried to beat up my wife all the time. 646 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,440 And she had to deal with that and she did. 647 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:39,320 And it was a lot of chaos and drama and court evaluations. 648 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:41,560 And I got to keep custody and she got visitation. 649 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,280 She ended up getting sober because of the pressures 650 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,640 of trying to be a part of his life. 651 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:48,140 And the courts are like, either you're sober, 652 00:23:48,140 --> 00:23:48,980 you don't see him. 653 00:23:48,980 --> 00:23:52,560 And so I can't take credit for that nor do I try to, 654 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,080 but she ended up getting sober. 655 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,920 So my son had a really good life. 656 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,120 And his mother, his stepmother, my ex-wife, 657 00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,560 went to school. 658 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,880 Her parents were wealthy and paid for school 659 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:04,840 just since she was sober. 660 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,440 And she ended up getting a PhD in teaching at a university 661 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,120 and being a writer, a professional writer. 662 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:11,940 And she got academic success, a little bit of fame. 663 00:24:11,940 --> 00:24:13,280 They're flying around the country. 664 00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:15,880 So she would talk at different universities about writing. 665 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,800 And she got to the point where she was, this is her works. 666 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,600 She will tell you this today. 667 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:21,600 This is what happened. 668 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,080 This is not like what I'm assuming happened. 669 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:27,760 She gave me an ultimatum and said, 670 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:29,120 we've been in AA for 10 years. 671 00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:30,960 I'm like, we don't need to do this anymore. 672 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:31,800 I'm over it. 673 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,240 I feel like I'm fine. 674 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:35,960 And I had always been taught, 675 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,160 I have alcoholism till the day I die. 676 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,040 And if I have a progressive disease, 677 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,560 that means I'm more alcoholic today 678 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,360 than when I got here 26 years ago. 679 00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:47,000 If I drank, I would not start off where I left off. 680 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,400 I would start off as if I had never stopped drinking 681 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,520 and using, which means I would die. 682 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:55,400 So Johnny H, he just took a cake at my home group Wednesday 683 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:56,960 for 63 years. 684 00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,700 Johnny H says, if we have a progressive disease, 685 00:24:59,700 --> 00:25:01,080 we need progressive recovery. 686 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:04,080 So I should be doing more today than I did when I was new. 687 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:06,520 I should be doing more today than I did last year. 688 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,420 If I do not change my sobriety date, well, every year, 689 00:25:09,420 --> 00:25:10,840 every year when I have a birthday, 690 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:13,640 I just have a birthday in April, I think, am I doing more? 691 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:14,760 Am I more responsible? 692 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:16,720 Am I helping more men? 693 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:18,280 Am I doing more things 694 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:20,320 and taking on more responsibility in my home? 695 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,000 And I hope I am, but I have a sponsor for that 696 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,300 to ask him those questions. 697 00:25:24,300 --> 00:25:26,800 And so she was like, it's me or AA. 698 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:30,920 And I could go with her and enjoy the fruits of her success, 699 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:31,800 I guess, and mine. 700 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,360 'Cause at that point I'd been promoted at work and die, 701 00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:36,280 or I could stay with AA and live 702 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:37,920 and then have a whole new adventure. 703 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,280 And so it sucked and it was hard, 704 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:43,200 but I told her, I tried to make it work 705 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:44,120 and do as much as I could, 706 00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:45,680 but she left me for another guy. 707 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,080 And then I got the divorce papers 708 00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,160 and I was alone with my son for five years. 709 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:51,260 I was just me and my son. 710 00:25:51,260 --> 00:25:53,360 I was just every day, just being a dad, 711 00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:55,840 didn't really date or hang out with women or whatever. 712 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:59,560 And then my son, when he was 17, 713 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:02,280 but I was, my son's mother had married 714 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:04,880 a really awesome guy in AA who was sober longer than me, 715 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,120 a really successful guy. 716 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,060 And so us three were trying to raise my son 717 00:26:09,060 --> 00:26:11,640 'cause in middle school, he started trying to kill himself 718 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:14,080 and start using drugs and alcohol as first rehab. 719 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,440 He ended up and was at 17 in Malibu, 720 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,160 one of the adolescent treatment programs. 721 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:19,240 It was really nice. 722 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:20,440 I don't wanna ever relapse, 723 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,040 but I was like, I wanna stay here. 724 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:23,400 This place is awesome. 725 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,720 On the beach, they had personal chefs, 726 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:28,160 like in a giant mansion and his bedroom, 727 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:29,720 his bedroom that he shared, 728 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,760 or his personal bedroom in that place 729 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,160 was bigger than our entire house. 730 00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:37,880 And he was there and we went to family and all that 731 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:38,880 and tried to help him out. 732 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:42,240 And then, so right now he's probably has two felonies 733 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,160 and he's in jail waiting for a court case 734 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,320 for his third felony from the robbery. 735 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:48,880 And he's one of us. 736 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,840 I mean, his parents are both alcoholic 737 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:52,860 and the genetics are not in his favor. 738 00:26:52,860 --> 00:26:54,900 And so I go visit him in jail. 739 00:26:54,900 --> 00:26:58,640 He comes by our house because the kids love Narcan 740 00:26:58,640 --> 00:26:59,640 or love fentanyl. 741 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,480 I have to have a Narcan kid in my house 742 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,480 and I'm 26 years old, but you know, it's obvious. 743 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,680 But you know, they used to tell me when I was new, 744 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:07,680 we don't shoot our wounded. 745 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,920 We just try to help where we can help and be a good example. 746 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:11,300 And that's what I'm trying to do. 747 00:27:11,300 --> 00:27:13,140 And now he's back in jail where he's safe. 748 00:27:13,140 --> 00:27:14,880 Actually him being in jail is good news. 749 00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:17,440 And I just celebrated two years of marriage 750 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,600 to this beautiful woman in the front row 751 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:23,060 who knows me better than anyone and still stays with me, 752 00:27:23,060 --> 00:27:25,820 which is shocking because I'm flawed and imperfect 753 00:27:25,820 --> 00:27:29,360 and still alcoholic and still self-deluded and insane 754 00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:33,040 and childish, grandiose and narcissistic and arrogant. 755 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:35,920 And those are things not that I am proud of. 756 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:40,040 I hate those things about me, which is why I try so hard to. 757 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:43,200 Step six and seven has been a big deal lately for me. 758 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:45,960 And my discussions with my sponsor, 759 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:50,060 trying to become more of a, you know, 760 00:27:50,060 --> 00:27:51,760 trying to give those things to God. 761 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:55,040 'Cause it's not like we had, my sponsor has a baby meeting 762 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,060 where all his sponsors go to his house 763 00:27:57,060 --> 00:27:59,260 and we read the 12 and 12 of the big book. 764 00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:03,040 And we're on step six, six, we were on step six yesterday, 765 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,260 which today, Thursday, we were on step six. 766 00:28:05,260 --> 00:28:09,080 And basically, you know, people were sharing, 767 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:10,720 yeah, you know, God willing, 768 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:12,480 he'll take away my character defect. 769 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:15,000 For now, I'm just, you know, stuck with them 770 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:16,320 and I'm doing the best I can. 771 00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:18,760 My sponsor said, God's always willing. 772 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:20,040 The one that's unwilling is you. 773 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:23,240 So it's not God that's delaying the removal of your, 774 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,760 it's finding, find out what's in you 775 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:27,640 that is not letting you give that up. 776 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:29,960 And so that is my task today. 777 00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:32,720 And then taking what I learned through my surrender 778 00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:35,760 of my honor power and growing closer to the center 779 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:37,640 of alcoholics and I'm passing that on 780 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:38,680 to the people I sponsor. 781 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:40,280 So that's all the time I have. 782 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:41,540 Thank you for letting me be here. 783 00:28:41,540 --> 00:28:42,920 I absolutely love coming here 784 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:45,120 and really appreciate you letting me share.