1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,320 - Thank you for that announcement, that introduction. 2 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:05,400 Ben, thank you for inviting me tonight. 3 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:06,920 It's an honor and a privilege. 4 00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:09,080 And welcome to the newcomers. 5 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:11,600 I'm John C. and I'm an alcoholic. 6 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,800 I don't go by John C. anymore 7 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,920 because as I moved to Palm Springs, 8 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:19,240 I went into a meeting 9 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:21,680 and I started announcing myself as John C. 10 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,720 And a guy walked up to me after the meeting one day 11 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:26,500 and he says, "That's a very unusual name you have." 12 00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:27,880 And I said, "John?" 13 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:29,920 He said, "Oh, I thought your name was Chauncey." 14 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:31,580 (all laughing) 15 00:00:31,580 --> 00:00:36,120 So I thought about Bruce calling me Josie and the Pussycats 16 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:36,960 for many years. 17 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:41,400 I got sober September 3rd, 2013. 18 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,760 I went to a brief outpatient for 10 days, 19 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:46,920 had no intention of going into AA, 20 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:50,500 and my doctor suggested that I go to a few AA meetings. 21 00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:53,060 And I said, "Well, I've had one sobriety. 22 00:00:53,060 --> 00:00:54,160 I'll go into that in a minute." 23 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:56,280 I had a sobriety in the past. 24 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:59,040 I went to AA and it didn't work and I didn't like it. 25 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,000 And he says, "Well, do it for me." 26 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,880 So I went to one meeting and it didn't, 27 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,200 it just didn't work for me, that one. 28 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:10,360 But then the second meeting I went to was Quality of Life. 29 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:11,320 - Quality of Life. 30 00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:12,900 - Your old location. 31 00:01:12,900 --> 00:01:14,720 I came in through Sherman Way. 32 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,400 So I came in through the back way 33 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,600 and worked my way down into the meeting hall 34 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,540 and someone put out their hand and welcomed me, James. 35 00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:22,680 (all laughing) 36 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,680 Yeah, and I will never forget that. 37 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:28,040 Put out his hand and said, "I'm James, who are you?" 38 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:30,440 And other people in the meeting were very welcoming. 39 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:33,680 And it was just, I mean, I just knew I was home 40 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,880 and I didn't know what a home group was. 41 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,440 Now I do, and a home group's very important, 42 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:39,760 but I knew that I was home. 43 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:41,280 So how did I get here? 44 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:44,000 Let's go back a very long time. 45 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,520 When I was a small child, 46 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:49,080 I think about four or five or six years old, 47 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,840 I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. 48 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:54,240 I just, there was just something wrong. 49 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:57,340 I didn't feel like I belonged in that family. 50 00:01:57,340 --> 00:01:58,880 I felt out of place. 51 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,400 It just didn't feel right. 52 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,680 A few years later, I realized, 53 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,380 I was about seven or eight years old, that I was gay. 54 00:02:05,380 --> 00:02:09,200 And that was, to me, the start of a big secret 55 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,000 that I couldn't tell anybody. 56 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,800 I couldn't talk about it. 57 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,620 I had to hide my feelings. 58 00:02:14,620 --> 00:02:16,200 And it was a secret that I felt like 59 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,400 I had to take to my grave because nobody would understand 60 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,080 and I just don't even want to deal with this. 61 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:24,720 So I had a very uncomfortable childhood, 62 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,520 I think largely because of that. 63 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,680 Now, my family was a normal family. 64 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:31,120 My mother grew up in an alcoholic family 65 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,560 and her father was a raging alcoholic 66 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,720 who left on the weekends and got drunk 67 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,120 and came back and went to work on Monday morning. 68 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,240 And they had kind of an absent father 69 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,880 and they'd have to go bail him out from jail once in a while. 70 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:45,960 So when my mother married my father, 71 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:50,000 they were going to have a non-alcoholic household. 72 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,320 So when I grew up, I didn't know that people drank. 73 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,520 Drinking was something, there were two bars in town 74 00:02:55,520 --> 00:03:00,160 and drinking was something that normal people didn't drink. 75 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,800 I was told that that's something that very few people did 76 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,880 and it was bad and we just didn't go there. 77 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:08,560 That's just, we didn't associate with people like that. 78 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:12,440 So that actually made it easier when I started to drink 79 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,520 that I was under the radar. 80 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:15,560 They weren't looking for it. 81 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,360 But anyway, so when I was about 14 years old, 82 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,320 one of my best friends discovered 83 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,760 that I had never had a drink. 84 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,520 And he said, "Oh, we've got to fix that." 85 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:28,520 So I remember this evening vividly in my mind, 86 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,600 four of us went to a drive-in theater 87 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,560 which had stalls between the cars 88 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,240 and it was an x-rated drive-in theater. 89 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,760 That's why they had the stalls. 90 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,960 So you could also go there and drink. 91 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,760 So we went there in a '59 Chevy Biscayne 92 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,520 and the four of us took a bottle of Seagram 7 93 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,520 and some Coca-Cola and I had the night of my life. 94 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:52,520 I had the most wonderful night and I got very, very drunk. 95 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,560 I threw up, I had a great time. 96 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,200 I went home, I went to bed, I got away with it. 97 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,800 And I said, "I've got to do this every weekend. 98 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,800 "This is just marvelous." 99 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,840 And I also, then I felt like I fit in. 100 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,200 I fit in with my friends that I was drinking with. 101 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:12,200 It was just, that made a lot of my anxiety go away. 102 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,800 As long as I could look forward to that weekend 103 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:18,440 and have that experience and just let it all out, 104 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,280 I felt like I would be fine. 105 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:23,000 So fast forward a few years, I go off to college. 106 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,600 I've never been called mature for my age. 107 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:29,640 So I go to college, I'm expected to go graduate, 108 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,440 go out and get a job like everybody else in the world. 109 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,400 And yet I'm just, I'm a nervous wreck. 110 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,880 And so I basically, 111 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,960 I had a couple of really bad quarters in college 112 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,760 and then I started drinking with the guys on the hall. 113 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,680 And it'd be like on the weekends 114 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:45,840 and then it was every night. 115 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:46,840 And then once in a while, 116 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,040 I would have a couple of sips of bourbon 117 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,560 before I went to class in the morning. 118 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,600 So it's interesting because, 119 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,200 drugs are also a part of my story 120 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,560 and there's a little marijuana involved in college 121 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,600 'cause I was in college in the 70s 122 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:03,200 and it all helped medicate me 123 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,680 and make me feel a little more normal. 124 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:09,080 And I noticed, I used to brag about it. 125 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:10,920 My first year I didn't party much. 126 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,840 And then after that, I partied all the time 127 00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:14,240 and my grades went up. 128 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,760 So a few years later, I graduate from college 129 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:19,240 and I think, okay, enough of this partying stuff, 130 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:20,680 I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna work, 131 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,600 I'm gonna be successful, I'm gonna have a career. 132 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:25,360 I went to school and studied architecture, 133 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:26,480 I love architecture. 134 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:29,760 So I put a lot of effort into my career, 135 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,600 but there's a lot of anxiety 136 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:35,040 and I'm still not a really mature person for my age. 137 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:39,240 And so I would medicate as often as I could every night, 138 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,400 every other night, several times a week, 139 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:43,920 definitely on all weekend 140 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,480 and it would make the anxiety go away. 141 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,360 So Cookie, I could really relate to what you were saying 142 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:53,080 in your 10 minute share about that feeling in your gut 143 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:54,440 and you don't have to get drunk, 144 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:55,840 you just have to take a drink or two 145 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:57,920 and then the anxiety sort of melts away. 146 00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,480 I really related to that. 147 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,440 So I'm not addicted to alcohol at that point 148 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:04,920 in my early career. 149 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,960 I'm usually a daily drinker every other day or every few days 150 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,520 and a couple of days a week, I go out and I go to the bars 151 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,520 and I get really drunk and then I go home 152 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,040 and I don't go out to get drunk, 153 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:20,160 but I go out and I end up getting drunk and it's fun. 154 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,680 And then I get up in the morning and I can barely function, 155 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,720 but I pull myself together and I go to work, 156 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,400 go through the day and then the anxiety comes back, 157 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,480 next night I'm doing the same thing. 158 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:33,040 I'm trying to medicate so that I don't have these feelings. 159 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:34,120 I like secrets. 160 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,760 So most of this, I kept secret from my family. 161 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:38,840 My mother would not want to know 162 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,120 that her son was drinking a lot. 163 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,440 My parents approved of social drinking, 164 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,800 but I was never a social drinker. 165 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:49,640 I mean, the first drunk that I had was hardly social. 166 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,400 That was a get drunk event. 167 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,880 So social drinking for me is go to a cocktail party, 168 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:56,960 have a half a glass of wine and put it down 169 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:57,800 and don't finish it. 170 00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,680 And I've never been that kind of a drinker. 171 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:04,680 So anyway, so my drinking got a little out of control. 172 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,360 I guess I was, see, it's put a year on it. 173 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,000 It's about 1989. 174 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,440 I lost a few jobs. 175 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,520 I was living in Atlanta. 176 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,040 I was not dependable. 177 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,720 I didn't show up to work all the time 178 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:16,640 when I showed up to work. 179 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,320 I didn't have a very good attitude 180 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:23,320 and I got laid off from several jobs within a year. 181 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:27,200 And basically I knew that I needed to change something 182 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,400 and I did a geographic. 183 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,560 So I moved to Los Angeles with my partner 184 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,960 and decided to start over, got a good job, 185 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,000 decided I wasn't going to drink. 186 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,480 I wasn't going to do anything. 187 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:42,240 I was just going to white knuckle it. 188 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:43,720 And it didn't go very well. 189 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:46,640 I was really having a meltdown at work 190 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,680 and I pick up the phone at work one day 191 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,560 and call the employee assistance program 192 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,960 because I felt like I was going to do something. 193 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,480 I was going to get fired again 194 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:56,080 and I had nowhere else to go. 195 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:57,600 I had to make this job work. 196 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:01,680 So this is the start of my first sobriety, 197 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,360 which did not turn out very well. 198 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:07,640 So the employee assistance program got me into therapy. 199 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,040 The therapist was a huge fan of AA 200 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,880 and she got me to go to AA meetings 201 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,120 and I did some therapy and I went to AA meetings 202 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,920 and I got a sponsor and my (indistinct) 203 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:21,760 tried to get me to work the steps. 204 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:25,360 And I remember trying to work the first three steps 205 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,680 and I just couldn't, the first step, 206 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:31,240 I just could not comprehend what it meant. 207 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:32,760 Now, looking back on that, 208 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:37,080 I realized that I knew my life was unmanageable 209 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:39,320 and by that, I mean, all I wanted to do 210 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,200 was to get my career back. 211 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,880 I didn't care about changing anything. 212 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,840 I didn't wanna change anything. 213 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:47,640 I thought everything was just fine. 214 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,160 I just needed my career back. 215 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,080 And the part about being powerless over alcohol, 216 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,320 totally lost on me. 217 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,520 I was not powerless over anything. 218 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,840 I am the power, I have the power. 219 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:01,720 So I feel sorry for that first sponsor. 220 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,680 He did his best with me, tried to get me to do 90 and 90 221 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,960 and I don't have time for that. 222 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,840 I have a job, I have a career 223 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,520 and I've got to make that work. 224 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:14,320 So anyway, I was able to cobble together a year 225 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,680 and they gave me a cake. 226 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:19,440 My sponsor gave me some flowers, it was all fun. 227 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,880 And then I sort of wandered away. 228 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:25,240 And by wander away, I mean, my sponsor left town 229 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,840 and he was seriously ill and he ended up dying 230 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,000 and I didn't get another sponsor 231 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,640 and I just didn't go to any more meetings. 232 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,880 I think I maybe went once a month for a while 233 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,720 and I said, nah, I don't eat this. 234 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,960 So I got three very dry years. 235 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,320 I changed absolutely nothing. 236 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:47,520 I never even worked the first step and I felt very thirsty. 237 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:49,000 I mean, I felt miserable. 238 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,320 I felt like everything, everybody was against me. 239 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:53,960 The world was against me. 240 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,280 Everything was a struggle, everything was negative 241 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:59,040 and it just wasn't working very well. 242 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:03,880 And so I went out, I was at a company social. 243 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,480 I didn't intend to go out. 244 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,880 I intended to just stay dry, but I was at a company social 245 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,080 and I'd just been made associate. 246 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:13,200 All the associates are sitting around a table. 247 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,760 We're all dressed up very nicely on a Saturday night 248 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:18,920 and they bring out trays of margaritas 249 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:23,400 and they set the margaritas down in front of each of us 250 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,200 very conspicuously around the table. 251 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:28,800 And I had never told anybody that I worked with 252 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,920 that I was an alcoholic or that I did not drink. 253 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,320 And I looked at that and I said, holy cow, 254 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:35,760 what am I going to do? 255 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,160 I have to drink that. 256 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:40,120 They're going to ask me questions. 257 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:41,800 I'm not going to be able to answer them. 258 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,200 It's going to be embarrassing 259 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,080 and I don't want to go through that embarrassment. 260 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,080 So I picked up this margarita and I drank it. 261 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,280 And the world didn't end. 262 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,880 It was actually okay. 263 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,440 I went back to my room that night. 264 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,120 I called my partner back at home and I said, 265 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:55,160 you won't believe what happened. 266 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:56,240 I had a drink tonight. 267 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,400 And he says, so? 268 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:58,360 I said, I feel fine. 269 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:02,640 So from that point on, I felt entitled to drink again. 270 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,960 And it didn't hit me right away. 271 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,920 I started, you know, I'd have a drink every now and then, 272 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:11,040 and then we decided to buy another house. 273 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:13,360 And that was just sell one house and buy another. 274 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:14,520 And that was very stressful. 275 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:15,880 And it went on for three months 276 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,200 and I was having double gin and tonics every night. 277 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,760 So, you know, I was really, 278 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,240 every time I got into a little bit of stress, 279 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,280 I was belting down a gin and tonic 280 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:25,960 and feeling a little better about it. 281 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:30,840 And so I was out basically for 20 years, all total. 282 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:34,360 So three years of sobriety, miserable, go out, 283 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,840 stay out for 20 years. 284 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,560 And the last 10 years, 285 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:41,760 I knew every day of that 10 years that I was an alcoholic. 286 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,480 I said that to myself many times. 287 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,440 My partner said it to me once. 288 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,000 He said, you know, 289 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,280 I think you need to think about 290 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,240 what you're doing with alcohol. 291 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,120 I don't think you're so far gone yet 292 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,080 that you can't change your course. 293 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,400 He says, I'm never gonna say this to you again, 294 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,560 but I'm gonna bring it up once this one time. 295 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:03,320 And I remember that was 10 years before I got sober. 296 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,040 And I said, thank you very much. 297 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,720 And I thought to myself, I can outlive this, I think, 298 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,160 you know, I can drink. 299 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,080 And, you know, I just, 300 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:14,680 I didn't think it was going to advance so quickly, 301 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:17,080 but I knew that I was an alcoholic. 302 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:20,760 I knew that I wanted alcohol every day. 303 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:22,560 And there was also some drugs involved. 304 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,200 So the drugs that I would take 305 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,080 would allow me to drink more alcohol 306 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,520 and not feel it as much. 307 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,840 So anyway, so about, 308 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:34,200 I got sober September 3rd, 2013. 309 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:38,080 About 2012, I started to realize 310 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:40,560 that I couldn't go without alcohol for a day. 311 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,120 In fact, I couldn't go without alcohol for a few hours. 312 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:47,000 I started to notice that in the middle of the night, 313 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,960 I would wake up and I would get up 314 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,320 and I would go downstairs 315 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,960 and I would have four or five glasses of vodka 316 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,760 out of the freezer, nice and cold. 317 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,160 And then I could go back to sleep. 318 00:12:56,160 --> 00:13:00,680 So I thought, well, I didn't realize that I had to have it. 319 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,480 I just wanted to have it. 320 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:06,880 And I thought to myself, how many lines I had crossed. 321 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,160 And I would just say, 322 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,320 oh, well, there's another line I've crossed. 323 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,520 You know, that's not so bad. 324 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:16,320 I, you know, it's just what I'm doing, it's okay. 325 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,960 But I was definitely, I had a medical event once 326 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:23,640 where I had to have some minor outpatient surgery. 327 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,840 And the doctor told me not to drink for 14 days 328 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,160 and I was horrified. 329 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,040 And I had to take penicillin and he said, 330 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:33,280 don't drink alcohol or it'll mess with the penicillin 331 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,360 and you really need to do this to heal. 332 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:36,960 So I did what the doctor said. 333 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,880 And I remember that that week was a ordeal. 334 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,960 Every hour of every day, I wanted to drink 335 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,720 and I look forward to the moment when I could drink again. 336 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:48,000 So I realized when I quit, 337 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,880 it's going to be like this for the rest of my life. 338 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:51,880 That's what I thought. 339 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,680 It's always going to be like this. 340 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:55,320 I'm going to, if I quit, 341 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,040 I'm always going to be craving alcohol. 342 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:00,200 I'm always going to be miserable without it. 343 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:05,200 But I was so addicted to it and it made me so miserable 344 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:07,640 that, well, a couple of things happened. 345 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:11,440 It was that and my father had died a few years earlier 346 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:12,400 and then my mother died. 347 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,000 My mother died in early 2013. 348 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,120 And when my mother died, my drinking suddenly changed 349 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,160 and I started to have blackouts. 350 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:24,160 And I would think to myself, that generation is gone. 351 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,800 My generation is next. 352 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,200 I'm not really an adult. 353 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,400 I'm not really mature. 354 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:29,800 What am I doing? 355 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,920 I'm ashamed of what I'm doing, but I can't control it. 356 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,800 So anyway, I decided that 357 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,760 if I was going to be miserable drinking, 358 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,920 I would also be miserable if I didn't drink. 359 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,080 But given the choice between the two, 360 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,360 maybe I should try not drinking. 361 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,280 And that misery would be okay. 362 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:48,320 I would get through that. 363 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:49,600 So I decided to quit. 364 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:53,080 So I went to my therapist and we tried to plan it. 365 00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:55,280 And then one day I just decided, I'm just gonna quit. 366 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,040 I'm gonna drink up everything in the house. 367 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:58,080 There'll be nothing left. 368 00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:01,520 And then if I really can't resist, 369 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:05,320 I'll go out and buy some, but I don't intend to do that. 370 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,600 So that was September 2nd. 371 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,600 That was the last day that I had a drink. 372 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,440 I drank everything up in the house, 373 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:16,600 except for the most obscure liqueurs under the kitchen sink, 374 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,040 drank up everything that was drinkable and stopped. 375 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,560 And within a few hours I decided I better get in my car 376 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:23,400 and go to the hospital 377 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,360 because something really crazy was going on. 378 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,080 And I think I was about to have a stroke, 379 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,040 but I didn't get there. 380 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:30,880 I got to the hospital and they got me on some medication. 381 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,120 And then they got me into this outpatient program. 382 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:34,600 And I mean, right away, 383 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:39,520 I was still taking detox medication for alcohol. 384 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:43,040 And three days later, they take me off of that 385 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,280 and I start this outpatient program. 386 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:49,320 And the outpatient program was just kind of a medical approach 387 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,720 to why you shouldn't drink, bad things about drinking. 388 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,040 Here's what the nurse has to say about drinking. 389 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,880 Let's try a little mindful meditation. 390 00:15:56,880 --> 00:16:00,200 That'll help calm you a little bit, things like that. 391 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,560 But what I really enjoyed for those 10 days 392 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:05,280 was being around a group of people 393 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,360 that were in there for various reasons with all addictions. 394 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,360 They were either alcohol or drugs or, you know, 395 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,960 they were all alcohol or drugs. 396 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,800 And what I got from being around that group of people 397 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,000 was I actually got to talk to people 398 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,840 because I had been so isolated. 399 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,920 I worked at home. I drank at home. 400 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,400 I drank around the clock. I didn't talk to anybody. 401 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:29,360 And so in that 10 days, I got to actually talk to some people. 402 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:33,080 And that was very good. I enjoyed it. 403 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,240 And at the end of the 10th day, they gave me a marble 404 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:37,040 and said, "You've graduated. Go home." 405 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,360 I said, "What do I do now?" I said, "Go to AA." 406 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:43,320 So I actually went to AA, and as I said earlier, 407 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,560 I walked into -- second meeting I went to, 408 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,520 I walked into Quality of Life, QAF. 409 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:51,240 And, yeah, my friend Brent doesn't know that secret. 410 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:55,160 When I say Quality of Life, they say, yeah, yeah. 411 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,560 So now you know. 412 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,040 So I looked at what everybody was doing. 413 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,960 They all had sponsors. 414 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,720 There were a group of us in the first year. 415 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:04,880 Scott had a year. 416 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,360 I looked up to Scott like he had 30 years. 417 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,320 And don't we all? Absolutely. 418 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,320 And so I decided to pick guest sponsor. 419 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:15,080 So I got Al to be my sponsor. Al was a big guy. 420 00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:16,480 He was very demanding. 421 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:20,400 He made me take him out and ask him the right way 422 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,920 to be his sponsee. 423 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,680 And he made me promise that I would do everything 424 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,920 that he told me to do. There were no suggestions. 425 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,480 There was, "I'm going to tell you what to do, 426 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:31,800 and that's what you're going to do." 427 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,640 And that went very well. 428 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,800 Then I got to working with Al 429 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,840 and going to all the Quality of Life meetings. 430 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:40,000 I got a year. 431 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:43,240 And Jerry and Katie had a watch for me. 432 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:46,200 And so the day of the watch, I wrecked my car. 433 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,920 And I thought, oh, well, that's bad timing. 434 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,160 But wow, I'm really not, this is different. 435 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:57,200 It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. 436 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,760 Now, go back a few years earlier, 437 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,880 and I had a brand new convertible. 438 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,840 And somebody hit my convertible, 439 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,280 and it had to go in the shop. 440 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:09,880 And I went home and I pouted and I drank for a month. 441 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,520 That's what I had to do. 442 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:12,720 I mean, literally a month. 443 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,800 I didn't leave the house for a month. 444 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,920 So now here I am, I've got a year. 445 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,040 I wrecked my car. It's okay. 446 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:22,640 I drove it with a crack grill, and I went to my watch. 447 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,880 The watch was great. We had a good time. 448 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:28,680 Jerry offered me a beer before midnight. 449 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:31,480 And I said, "No, thank you, I'll take a rain check." 450 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,320 And so then I go on from there. 451 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:37,800 And about three years, Al left our group, 452 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,480 and I had another sponsor, Jerry. 453 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:44,040 But then I was talking to Greg a lot, 454 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,520 and Greg said to me one day at about three years, 455 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:47,480 I'll never forget this. 456 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:49,600 He said, "You know, your first year or two, 457 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,760 you're really in a drinking program." 458 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,160 And he said, "John, I think you'll realize 459 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,800 as time goes on that you're really, 460 00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,880 once you get past the drinking part of it, 461 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,080 you're really in a thinking program." 462 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:02,920 And that really stuck with me. 463 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,560 I didn't know exactly what he meant at the time, 464 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,520 but I knew that it sounded pretty important 465 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:08,880 and I needed to think about it. 466 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:12,760 So Jerry and I then toured my fifth year. 467 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,280 Jerry and I did work the steps again. 468 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:18,600 And this time I took a serious look at the character defects 469 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,160 and I made a list of character. 470 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:21,160 I did some amends. 471 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,400 Jerry helped me do some amends 472 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:25,320 I didn't do the first time around, so I felt a little better. 473 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,800 So I didn't have a lot of guilt going on, 474 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,200 but I did have this list of character defects, 475 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,960 and I started working on some of them. 476 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,800 And some of them, I just, I didn't want to work on them. 477 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,680 There were some that I put on the back burner, 478 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,240 so I'll deal with those later. 479 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:44,200 So at about seven years, I find myself, 480 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,640 we're in the middle of COVID and I take the opportunity 481 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,040 to move to Palm Springs and start over 482 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,800 with a different group and so I found a clubhouse out there. 483 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:56,040 And then I started to think, how happy are you really? 484 00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:57,960 How are you doing in your sobriety? 485 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:02,240 You're not drinking, but just can it be better? 486 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,960 So I started to look at ways that I could get some more tools 487 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,360 and I talked to people to try to figure out 488 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:09,600 what other people were doing. 489 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:11,800 And it was a combination of things. 490 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,360 Number one, I wanted to work 491 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,320 on some of those character defects, 492 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,320 because some of them I could put up with them, 493 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:19,520 but they really made me feel bad about myself 494 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:21,720 and they were things that I could really work on. 495 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,600 And there was some sexual inventory in there 496 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,040 and I'm not going to go into that, 497 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:29,920 but there were some things that I just, 498 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,320 they still gave me shame. 499 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:34,280 At seven years, I still had some shame 500 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:37,480 and I still wasn't always being honest with my sponsor. 501 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,320 So I decided, okay, we'll work on that. 502 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:45,080 Now at about eight years, I found myself in pain one day 503 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,400 and ended up in the hospital. 504 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,400 And the hospital diagnosed very quickly 505 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,200 that I had bone cancer and that was a big surprise. 506 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,000 And having bone cancer was one of the biggest fears 507 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,240 I've ever had in my life. 508 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,040 Having cancer was one of the biggest fears 509 00:20:58,040 --> 00:20:59,320 that I've ever had in my life. 510 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:00,800 And there I was faced with it. 511 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,960 And I remember laying there in great pain 512 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,520 after getting that diagnosis 513 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,440 and thinking about it for about an hour. 514 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:11,040 And it's something that I learned in the program 515 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:14,760 told me to work the steps and say the serenity prayer 516 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,560 and just put one foot in front of the other 517 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:21,200 and think positive thoughts rather than negative thoughts. 518 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,760 And I just moved forward and it didn't look good at first. 519 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,440 My brother flew out to help take care of me. 520 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:31,840 And after two days with me, he said, you're different. 521 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,000 You're not responding to this 522 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,560 the way I thought you would at all. 523 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,000 And I said, well, I don't know quite how to explain it, 524 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,040 but it's not the end of the world. 525 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,120 It's just another health problem. 526 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:45,240 And I started to think of the fact that alcoholism 527 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,120 is a life-threatening illness 528 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:49,880 and I've been dealing with it by working the program. 529 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:53,080 And this is just another life-threatening program, 530 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,960 the life-threatening thing that I need to deal with. 531 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,520 And it's just one day at a time. 532 00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,640 And I am truly amazed 533 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:01,680 that I was able to look at it that way, 534 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:04,320 but I thank the program, what I've learned in the program, 535 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:08,720 what the support and the advice I've gotten from my sponsors 536 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:12,040 have really helped me to get through things like that. 537 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:16,640 And I gotta say worst things have happened to me in sobriety 538 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:19,760 than ever happened to me when I was drinking and using, 539 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,760 but it's my perception is totally different. 540 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,320 It's just the total 180 degree turn 541 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,720 and it's little things that I've learned along the way. 542 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,920 And you study the steps for years 543 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:32,360 and then all of a sudden one day when you need them, 544 00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,880 they come to you and you can apply them 545 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,400 and it helps you get through the day. 546 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,760 And all you need to do is get through this day. 547 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:41,400 You don't know what tomorrow is. 548 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:44,160 And I know that I'm not gonna drink 549 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,920 because I didn't drink yesterday and I didn't drink today. 550 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:50,120 And tomorrow I'm gonna do the same thing that I did today. 551 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,880 And I think that's going to keep me from drinking. 552 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:56,800 Now, my goal though is to be a little better every day, 553 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,400 be a little better tomorrow than I am today. 554 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,840 And that means working on those character defects. 555 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:03,680 It means doing a lot of service. 556 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,920 I do as much service as I can handle 557 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:07,960 without totally overloading myself. 558 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:10,640 And yet I give myself some free time 559 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:12,120 because I need some free time. 560 00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:14,440 I mean, I think we all deserve to pay ourselves 561 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,240 a little time once in a while, 562 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:18,320 but we also need to give back to others. 563 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:19,760 We need to be out there. 564 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,760 We need to give a good example 565 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,640 to other people in the program. 566 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:25,600 And I do what I can. 567 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,560 So I've only got a few minutes left 568 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:30,760 and I wanted to leave you with one thing 569 00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:33,280 that's very inspirational to me. 570 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:36,880 As Bill sees it, page one, the very first page. 571 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,320 Take me a minute to get to it. 572 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:39,920 This is how I see my sobriety. 573 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:41,960 Page one, personality change. 574 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:44,040 It has often been said of AA 575 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,360 that we are interested only in alcoholism. 576 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:47,440 That is not true. 577 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:50,360 We have to get over drinking in order to stay alive. 578 00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,760 But anyone who knows the alcoholic personality 579 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:56,280 by firsthand contact knows that no true alkie 580 00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:58,200 ever stops drinking permanently 581 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:01,480 without undergoing a profound personality change. 582 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,520 We thought conditions drove us to drink. 583 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,520 And when we tried to correct these conditions 584 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:09,120 and found that we couldn't do so to our entire satisfaction, 585 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:12,520 our drinking went out of hand and we became alcoholics. 586 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:16,400 It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves 587 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:20,560 to meet conditions, whatever they were. 588 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,240 I think that describes where I'm trying to be today. 589 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,640 And thanks, it's good to see all of you again.