1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,140 Hello everyone. My name is Ryan. I'm an alcoholic. I'm sobriety dates, 2 00:00:04,140 --> 00:00:09,020 April 1st, 2011. I want to thank Ben Q for asking me to come speak tonight. 3 00:00:09,020 --> 00:00:13,140 Mitch or is it Ben? Ben, right? Yeah, it's Ben. And thank you for your lead. 4 00:00:13,140 --> 00:00:18,060 And I want to welcome the new, the newcomers and people that are attorneys. 5 00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:23,300 So I started drinking and using substances at the age of 6 00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:27,180 13 years old and in Canoga park, 7 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:31,800 a phone was mouth and parthenia. And at that time in like the, the, you know, 8 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:36,660 mid early nineties, like I, I, I, I was, how was I, I was six, 9 00:00:36,660 --> 00:00:37,800 seven years old. And, 10 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:42,720 and I remember at probably my earliest memories and how I can recollect those 11 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:45,480 was through the, really through the step work. You know, 12 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:49,800 when I got to my fourth step, I, I was able to really meditate. 13 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,280 And when I mean by meditate is look at, you know, 14 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:56,340 painstakingly look at my past and really like ask God, like whatever, 15 00:00:56,360 --> 00:01:00,900 whatever you are, God, at that time in my sobriety, when I had six months, 16 00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:03,460 I was really in fear of drinking again. Right. 17 00:01:03,460 --> 00:01:05,860 And fear worked good long enough. 18 00:01:05,860 --> 00:01:09,180 And it was a good thing for me to have when I was really new fear of drinking 19 00:01:09,180 --> 00:01:11,940 again. Right. But I knew from, from previous, 20 00:01:11,940 --> 00:01:15,340 a previous sobriety date that fear wasn't enough. 21 00:01:15,340 --> 00:01:19,460 And fear is really just a feeling and it's self and self-knowledge knowing that 22 00:01:19,460 --> 00:01:21,860 I'm an alcoholic, knowing that I, that I have problems, 23 00:01:21,860 --> 00:01:25,500 that I have an issue with drugs. It's not enough to keep me sober. 24 00:01:25,540 --> 00:01:28,980 And that's why I come to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous still mainly is 25 00:01:28,980 --> 00:01:32,020 because I can't do it by myself. Right. 26 00:01:32,020 --> 00:01:36,660 And I will only speak for myself in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I will 27 00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:41,420 speak from what I've studied in the book and what has come to life for 28 00:01:41,420 --> 00:01:46,540 me and how I, how I see what the book says. Right. And so when I was 29 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:51,580 six or seven years old, I remember being highly influenced by the 30 00:01:51,580 --> 00:01:54,900 world, you know, and what it had to offer around me. Right. 31 00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:59,420 And so seeing my dad drinking all the time and fighting my mom verbally, 32 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:03,020 belittling her and, and, and, and you know, it was normal, right. 33 00:02:03,020 --> 00:02:06,660 I didn't really think anything of it is just, I guess this is how people act, 34 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,340 you know, man and woman with each other. And then, you know, 35 00:02:09,340 --> 00:02:12,380 and then in my neighborhood there was, you know, pimps and, and, 36 00:02:12,380 --> 00:02:17,380 and prostitutes and drug dealers and gang members and, and it was, 37 00:02:17,380 --> 00:02:21,500 and, and then I hung out with their, their kids, you know what I mean? And, 38 00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:25,820 and so growing up, there was a lot of play fighting, 39 00:02:25,820 --> 00:02:29,780 fighting, you know, just, just a lot of ungodly things, you know, 40 00:02:29,780 --> 00:02:32,180 I want to say, you know what I mean? Like just, they weren't, they weren't, 41 00:02:32,180 --> 00:02:34,180 they weren't, you know, looking back at it now, 42 00:02:34,180 --> 00:02:37,940 it was like I cared so much about what you thought of me, you know what I mean? 43 00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:40,380 Like, and if I'm not careful, I can still go there. Right. 44 00:02:40,380 --> 00:02:42,740 So let my mind go to like, you know, 45 00:02:42,740 --> 00:02:45,460 what do they think about me and live in that, you know, 46 00:02:45,460 --> 00:02:49,620 and I'm talking about in all ways in my life, right. Word, relationships, 47 00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:53,460 meeting people, whatever. And so I always felt like I had to be on a defense, 48 00:02:53,460 --> 00:02:57,540 at a young age and, and, you know, and the way I talk, you know, uh, 49 00:02:57,540 --> 00:03:02,580 ruffled and like, I'm always on edge. Right. And cause my dad was always on edge. 50 00:03:02,580 --> 00:03:03,380 So I kind of just, 51 00:03:03,380 --> 00:03:07,540 I kind of just did what he did because who doesn't really look up to their dad 52 00:03:07,540 --> 00:03:09,540 when they're that age. Right. So, um, 53 00:03:09,540 --> 00:03:13,060 I remember drinking juice or water and, and, uh, 54 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:16,500 pretending like I'm drinking with him, you know what I mean? And, and, um, 55 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:19,300 and really what am I saying? My point is like, I'm a natural, 56 00:03:19,420 --> 00:03:23,540 I'm a natural follower. I'm not a natural leader. You know what I mean? I, I, 57 00:03:23,540 --> 00:03:27,060 I, I, uh, I'm insecure. I think of myself, I think, 58 00:03:27,060 --> 00:03:32,060 and what that looks like is I think it hurts. It pains me so much. 59 00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:35,900 I think that you think something of me that's in my head, 60 00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:39,220 but I think you're thinking of it, of me, you know what I mean? 61 00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:43,980 And I'm so stressed out at that age at six, seven, eight, nine, 10 years old. 62 00:03:43,980 --> 00:03:46,700 And, and what happens is over time, it's almost like, 63 00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:50,500 it's almost like I'm sharpening a knife and I'm just getting sharper. 64 00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:53,900 You know what I mean? And, and, and then, um, you know, or, 65 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,860 or what's a better analogy? I guess that's not really a good analogy. 66 00:03:56,860 --> 00:04:01,020 Like a crock pot, just slow simmer. And then I just leave it there. 67 00:04:01,020 --> 00:04:03,700 And then eventually it just blows up. You know what I mean? 68 00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:08,540 And so I remember when I was 13 years old around that time, when I started, 69 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:12,340 you know, using substances, there was this kid named Eddie and he, 70 00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:13,860 for some reason he had it out for me, man. 71 00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:16,900 I don't know if it was cause the girl that he liked like me or what the deal was, 72 00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:19,540 but he wanted to fight me. So I fought him one time and I, 73 00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:23,860 I laid him on the ground and like, I grabbed him and I was like, Hey man, like, 74 00:04:23,860 --> 00:04:27,540 you know, it's all good, whatever. And you know, after that for a year, 75 00:04:27,540 --> 00:04:30,020 there was like seven, eight kids after me at all times. You know what I mean? 76 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:33,620 For that whole year I was full fear and I didn't want to tell my dad and I 77 00:04:33,620 --> 00:04:36,540 didn't want to, you know, go to the principal cause I didn't want to be a rat. 78 00:04:36,540 --> 00:04:36,980 You know what I mean? 79 00:04:36,980 --> 00:04:41,540 All the old things that I was taught at even that age and, and my dad, 80 00:04:41,540 --> 00:04:44,620 I remember I finally broke down after like keeping inside. 81 00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:47,100 I couldn't go to sleep and I'm sober. I, you know what I mean? At this, 82 00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:48,780 I'm still having really, you know, 83 00:04:48,780 --> 00:04:51,820 my first taste of alcohol was at five years old cause I was sneaky and I would 84 00:04:51,820 --> 00:04:53,060 go into my, my, 85 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:56,740 under my dad's bed and find the magazines and the, and the weed box and the, 86 00:04:56,740 --> 00:04:59,300 you know what I mean? And his, and his alcohol. And I did that, 87 00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:02,060 but I didn't get drunk then. I was just curious. And so, 88 00:05:02,060 --> 00:05:04,380 but I remember he told me, man, like, you got to fight him, 89 00:05:04,380 --> 00:05:07,540 you got to fight them and don't run. And you know what I mean? I was like, Oh man, 90 00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:11,460 like, that's not what I wanted to hear. I want you to beat him up for me. 91 00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:15,460 Like, so, so what happened was I would just run, 92 00:05:15,460 --> 00:05:19,620 leave school early or ditch. And I remember my, my, my good friend Brandon, 93 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:22,620 Brandon at the time lived in my neighborhood, you know, he's, he was selling, 94 00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:25,740 you know, ounces of wheat at 12 years old, you know, 95 00:05:25,740 --> 00:05:29,700 Coke and guns and like, I was hanging out with that guy. You know what I mean? 96 00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:32,780 His brother was in a wheelchair and it was just all, it was just, 97 00:05:32,780 --> 00:05:36,780 not what 12 year olds should be doing. You know what I mean? And so, and so he, 98 00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:40,300 you know, I smoked my first joint with him and I felt really good. 99 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:45,100 And from that day forward, I won't say, you know, sit here and say, Oh, 100 00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:45,980 like, you know, the, 101 00:05:45,980 --> 00:05:49,980 the whole thing where they say and I was off to the races and I never, 102 00:05:49,980 --> 00:05:50,820 you know what I mean? Whatever. 103 00:05:50,820 --> 00:05:53,580 All I knew is I love the way I felt and I didn't, 104 00:05:53,580 --> 00:05:58,780 the fear of Eddie and running from things and thinking about what you think of 105 00:05:58,780 --> 00:06:03,300 me went away. That's my point. Right. And I didn't know this then, 106 00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:08,260 but that was the solution to my problem, which was me, which was self. And, um, 107 00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:11,580 and thank God for, for, for marijuana and alcohol and all that, 108 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:14,940 because who knows what would have happened. You know what I mean? Um, it, 109 00:06:14,940 --> 00:06:18,860 it calmed me down. And so quickly though, for me quickly, I, 110 00:06:18,860 --> 00:06:20,300 by the time I was in high school, 111 00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:23,980 I was so embarrassed of what how I thought those kids thought of me. And, uh, 112 00:06:23,980 --> 00:06:29,020 I became that guy who would seek out violence and seek out the bully and seek 113 00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:32,900 out these things. And, and it kinda, I was, now I was the Eddie, 114 00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:37,340 you know what I mean? And, and, um, and I was always drunk and dealing dope. 115 00:06:37,340 --> 00:06:39,500 And I would go to school just to ditch school or sell, 116 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:43,060 sell drugs and talk to the girls and whatever. I was that kid that, you know, 117 00:06:43,060 --> 00:06:46,580 your mom's like, stay away from him, you know? And, and so, um, matter of fact, 118 00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:47,940 man, a couple of years ago I was at a, 119 00:06:47,940 --> 00:06:51,380 I was at a bar to see a band and a friend of mine that I used to drink, but he's 120 00:06:51,380 --> 00:06:53,740 like, bro, I thought you were dead. You know what I mean? Like straight. 121 00:06:53,740 --> 00:06:57,780 He's like, I thought you died. I was like, thanks. Appreciate that. And so, um, 122 00:06:57,780 --> 00:07:01,900 and, uh, yeah, I, I, um, I got kicked out for fighting. It's, it's, 123 00:07:01,900 --> 00:07:04,620 at 16 years old, I had ninth grade credits and, um, 124 00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:07,740 and I had hurt that guy very, very badly. And he had to get like, 125 00:07:07,740 --> 00:07:12,420 surgical procedure on his face. And, and, um, and, and the guy who was with me, 126 00:07:12,420 --> 00:07:16,180 it did, it took the blame, went to Hawaii for like five years. And, uh, 127 00:07:16,180 --> 00:07:19,540 and I'm still trying to find that guy and thank him for not telling on me and 128 00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:22,820 whatever. And the guy who I did that to him, I still, you know, 129 00:07:22,820 --> 00:07:24,660 I want to make it immense. And if I see him, you know, 130 00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:27,860 I talked to my sponsor about it and this was, you know, I mean, 131 00:07:27,860 --> 00:07:32,540 it's over 13 years. I did, I did my amends by my, my amends the third, 132 00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:36,140 the first time, um, knowing that I didn't know the guy's name. I didn't know, 133 00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:37,740 you know what I mean? But I'm willing to do it. You know, 134 00:07:37,740 --> 00:07:38,980 I'm willing to do it. So, 135 00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:41,780 because I want to stay sober and I want to feel good about my life. 136 00:07:41,780 --> 00:07:44,700 You know what I mean? And I don't want to obsess and I want to write the wrongs. 137 00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:48,660 I've done because I know I did harm and it follows me in my life. 138 00:07:48,660 --> 00:07:49,220 You know what I mean? 139 00:07:49,220 --> 00:07:53,020 So I'm grateful that I have that intuitive thought that I want to make things 140 00:07:53,020 --> 00:07:57,020 right. Regardless of what happens to me. You know what I mean? And so, um, yeah, 141 00:07:57,020 --> 00:07:59,740 so I ended up going to high school drugs, got worse, 142 00:07:59,820 --> 00:08:02,620 start sleeping in the streets, that whole thing. And, and, and, 143 00:08:02,620 --> 00:08:06,940 and by the time I'm 17, 18, um, I'm shaking in the morning, 144 00:08:06,940 --> 00:08:11,460 driving, uh, obsessive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, all that. Right. 145 00:08:11,460 --> 00:08:13,820 I ended up getting sober at 20 years old, but at 19, 146 00:08:13,820 --> 00:08:18,020 I went to a rehab center outpatient. I couldn't use detox, whatever. 147 00:08:18,020 --> 00:08:21,260 There wasn't a lot of rehabs back then. Thank God that I didn't get through, 148 00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:22,140 get through the, 149 00:08:22,140 --> 00:08:26,860 the human trafficking of rehabs that we have today in Los Angeles and all the 150 00:08:26,860 --> 00:08:31,740 other States that like, like LA and, um, or like cities like LA. But, uh, 151 00:08:31,740 --> 00:08:36,220 I remember getting sober after being loaded every day for seven years. 152 00:08:36,220 --> 00:08:40,260 That was a high in itself and I was a raw nerve and the, 153 00:08:40,260 --> 00:08:43,460 and everything was brighter. The lights seem brighter. 154 00:08:43,460 --> 00:08:47,620 I thought you were talking about me. I'm like, I'm like mild schizophrenia. 155 00:08:47,620 --> 00:08:50,540 You know what I mean? Like my mind is way louder than your voice. 156 00:08:50,540 --> 00:08:52,940 You know what I'm saying? And, and, and, and, and I'm, 157 00:08:52,940 --> 00:08:56,060 and I want to fight everybody cause I think you're talking about me in meetings 158 00:08:56,060 --> 00:09:00,180 and, and, and do it. It was, it was bad. And so I never want to forget that. 159 00:09:00,180 --> 00:09:02,100 You know what I mean? And, um, and I was, 160 00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:05,740 the Valley Club was my first a meeting and it was a 5 30 PM meeting when they 161 00:09:05,740 --> 00:09:09,300 had those on a Sunday and there was this guy that just got out doing like 25 162 00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:11,900 years in prison, a lady who just lost her house, 163 00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:14,860 who has a brand new Lexus in the parking lot of the Valley Club. 164 00:09:14,860 --> 00:09:17,100 And then there was a cute girl all the way in the back. I'm like, 165 00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:20,180 I can stay for that, but I don't understand any of these people. 166 00:09:20,180 --> 00:09:25,220 I'm not an alcoholic. And so that was my introduction to AAA, you know, 167 00:09:25,660 --> 00:09:27,380 like my mind's just la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. 168 00:09:27,380 --> 00:09:29,380 And I can't hear anything you're really saying, you know, and I'm, 169 00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:33,540 and I'm comparing myself to you and I'm forgetting the times I'm smoking crack 170 00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:34,380 at Denny's, sleeping, 171 00:09:34,380 --> 00:09:39,380 sleeping behind a trash can or in a Jander's closet breaking into apartment 172 00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:42,420 complexes. You know what I mean? Making my mom cry at night. 173 00:09:42,420 --> 00:09:44,620 And you know what I mean? I'm going to call the cops, come home, 174 00:09:44,620 --> 00:09:48,380 get out of here. My dad's like, get out of here. My mom's calling the cops. 175 00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:51,980 Had me come back in the house. It's just, you know, it's just insanity, right? 176 00:09:51,980 --> 00:09:56,700 Like complete delusional, disrespectful, you know, uncaring, 177 00:09:56,700 --> 00:10:00,220 you know, person that I was, you know? And so, um, 178 00:10:00,220 --> 00:10:03,820 I share that because like, that's what I, that's who I am sober, right? 179 00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:07,580 I get sober and now I have an opinion on how, 180 00:10:07,580 --> 00:10:10,060 how I can run my life again. And it's like, 181 00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:12,820 I can't see that I can't run my own life. My life, 182 00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:16,540 I can't see that my life's unmanageable naturally. I just can't, 183 00:10:16,540 --> 00:10:20,380 you know what I mean? Sometimes I could, if I'm not careful, I mean, I spot, 184 00:10:20,380 --> 00:10:24,700 I actively try to sponsor people. I've been in meetings my whole, my 13 years. 185 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:28,860 I've, I've, I've never been a week without meetings unless I was traveling. 186 00:10:28,860 --> 00:10:30,700 You know what I mean? I've always been in a meeting. 187 00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:34,020 Usually I'm in four to five meetings a week since I've been sober, you know? 188 00:10:34,020 --> 00:10:36,820 And that's not because like, I'm trying to be a good AA guy. 189 00:10:36,820 --> 00:10:39,300 It's cause I thoroughly enjoy going to meetings. 190 00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:44,140 My friends are here and this is a place where AA is a place where it taught me 191 00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:48,180 how to live life and, um, and to enjoy life and to have hope. The big, 192 00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:52,700 the big book talks about the introduction. I'm not a big book, a extraordinaire, 193 00:10:52,700 --> 00:10:56,420 a thumper, or I can, I can't do a word for word, but I, but I know, 194 00:10:56,420 --> 00:11:00,700 I know what it says and it, you know, to an extent by memory. 195 00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:04,420 And it talks about how we have alcohols for thousands of men who have recovered 196 00:11:04,420 --> 00:11:07,980 right from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body seemingly. Right. 197 00:11:07,980 --> 00:11:10,740 So it's, it seems like it's, I'm hopeless, but I'm really not, 198 00:11:10,740 --> 00:11:15,660 but I can't see it for myself. Right. And, and, and hopeless is really bad. 199 00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:18,620 You know what I mean? Like, like, like, like I don't want to live. I can, 200 00:11:18,620 --> 00:11:21,500 I can relate to that. I don't want to live anymore. Nothing matters. 201 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:24,340 I can't feel anything. You know what I mean? You know, you know, 202 00:11:24,340 --> 00:11:26,140 what really is, is, is, is, 203 00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:31,140 is unfortunate when you're drinking blood ice or Miller high life or malt liquor, 204 00:11:31,140 --> 00:11:33,780 whatever you're drinking, you can't even really get drunk anymore. 205 00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:36,020 Your mind's still out. You know what I mean? You don't feel good. 206 00:11:36,020 --> 00:11:39,140 You feel hot and irritated still. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like, 207 00:11:39,140 --> 00:11:43,140 what do you do when you can't not out the way you want to not out and now you're 208 00:11:43,140 --> 00:11:47,660 just, you're itching your leg and it's turning raw and you just want to always 209 00:11:47,660 --> 00:11:50,500 throw up. You know what I mean? It's just like, it sucks. You know what I'm saying? 210 00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,740 And you can't really, you don't feel good about getting high anymore. 211 00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:54,020 And it's just, it's like, 212 00:11:54,020 --> 00:11:57,700 but it doesn't matter because I know that if I don't continue to pray, 213 00:11:57,700 --> 00:12:00,460 thank God for what I have in my life right now, 214 00:12:00,460 --> 00:12:03,900 just as I did when I was riding the dash bus here in Reseda, 215 00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:07,940 when I had lint in my pocket, thanking God for everything I had right then. 216 00:12:07,940 --> 00:12:10,860 You know what I mean? I, I'm not going to be sober for very long. 217 00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:13,940 I gotta be around people who understand what I go through and what I, 218 00:12:13,940 --> 00:12:19,100 what I go through is I'm selfish. I'm self centered. I'm, I'm, I'm, you know, 219 00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:21,700 self will run riot. I want to do what I want to do. 220 00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:25,740 The big book talks about on page 88 talks about how, how we're in less, 221 00:12:25,740 --> 00:12:31,020 we'll be in less, uh, uh, danger of excitement, right? I love excitement. 222 00:12:31,020 --> 00:12:35,220 I like fighting. I like, uh, uh, fast money. You know what I mean? 223 00:12:35,220 --> 00:12:38,340 If I can make fast money and get away with it, I probably would still do it. 224 00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:41,900 You know what I mean? I, I mean, if, if, if I can live with myself, 225 00:12:41,900 --> 00:12:44,780 I would do what I want to do when I want to do it. You know what I mean? 226 00:12:44,780 --> 00:12:46,220 It's just the truth, you know? So, 227 00:12:46,220 --> 00:12:51,260 but being sober and working a program seeking God telling on myself, 228 00:12:51,260 --> 00:12:54,140 right? Fifth step, 10, 11 and 12, right? 229 00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:57,820 Working with other people calling someone when I really don't really want to 230 00:12:57,820 --> 00:12:59,620 call anybody and telling them, Hey, 231 00:12:59,620 --> 00:13:02,940 how are you and trying to get out of myself and listen to what you're saying. 232 00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:06,140 And I don't even gotta be opinionated on that or try to teach you something. 233 00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:09,300 Just listen to how you're, what you're going through, right? 234 00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:13,660 I'm getting out of myself and therefore I get to have peace of mind. I've, 235 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,420 for me, I've been able to have peace of mind. 236 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,660 I've been able to be successful at what I do for work. 237 00:13:18,660 --> 00:13:21,740 I've been able to be honest in my relationships with women. 238 00:13:21,740 --> 00:13:26,060 I've been able to run a business. I've been able to have some hobbies. 239 00:13:26,060 --> 00:13:28,340 I've been able to look at my health and think, 240 00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:31,060 maybe I should be healthier in this way. You know what I mean? 241 00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:35,980 It started with the big book, a guy by the name of Jaime told me, Hey kid, 242 00:13:35,980 --> 00:13:38,380 I don't care what you believe in. It doesn't really matter. 243 00:13:38,380 --> 00:13:41,820 He's like, do you want to stop thinking about killing yourself and drinking? 244 00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:45,700 I'm like, yeah. He's like, well then go home, get on your knees and say, God, 245 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:48,580 whatever you are, please remove this obsession, 246 00:13:48,580 --> 00:13:52,820 which is the thought that overrides all the thoughts to drink and use drugs or 247 00:13:52,820 --> 00:13:54,180 whatever other thing that's, you know, 248 00:13:54,180 --> 00:13:58,460 just gnawing at your brain and your spirit and ask them to please remove it and 249 00:13:58,460 --> 00:14:02,620 do it every day. And I said, okay. Cause I was dumb enough to take suggestion, 250 00:14:02,660 --> 00:14:06,060 you know? And so thank God for these people in AA, man. 251 00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:09,700 How much time do I got? Okay, cool. Wow. Sorry guys. 252 00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:13,580 That was like two minutes. I was like, and so, you know, 253 00:14:13,580 --> 00:14:17,340 the Valley club is where I got sober and let me get back to, let me, 254 00:14:17,340 --> 00:14:18,220 let me backtrack. So, 255 00:14:18,220 --> 00:14:21,340 so when I got sober that first time in that meeting and thinking like, oh, 256 00:14:21,340 --> 00:14:24,100 that girl's cute. You know, these guys, I don't know what they're talking about. 257 00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:27,540 They're too old. They're like 30 years old. You know what I mean? I'm like, 258 00:14:27,540 --> 00:14:31,540 you know, just judge comparing myself to you. Like I remember, yeah, man, 259 00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:35,940 that's a sad place to be. I laugh at it now, but it's, it's so sick. Like that, 260 00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:40,140 like that. My mind does that without my approval. You know what I mean? It's, 261 00:14:40,140 --> 00:14:41,740 and so, um, 262 00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:45,500 what happened was I didn't see myself out the door to drink again, 263 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:47,220 but that's what naturally happened. 264 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:51,180 And I remember I had a nug of weed in my jacket or something in my mom's house 265 00:14:51,180 --> 00:14:55,580 and like, and I found it and I just smoked it and I didn't think about like, Hey, 266 00:14:55,580 --> 00:14:58,540 I went to rehab and I go to meetings and I'm like, like, 267 00:14:58,660 --> 00:15:02,340 and I just kicked and I was shaking and I was being over remorseful and 268 00:15:02,340 --> 00:15:05,660 apologizing for all the things that I did in the last seven years. 269 00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:09,260 My brother who's more annoyed now because I'm doing that, you know what I mean? 270 00:15:09,260 --> 00:15:11,780 It's like, I'm like having a nervous breakdown, 271 00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:14,140 anxiety type sweating all the booze out and the dope and, 272 00:15:14,140 --> 00:15:17,740 and now I'm apologize for everything and telling him don't do what I do. 273 00:15:17,740 --> 00:15:20,420 And he's like, get out of my room. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, 274 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:24,100 it's like, he doesn't want to hear that. You know, I'm like making amends, 275 00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:27,100 you know, before I even know what, how to spell amends. You know what I mean? 276 00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:31,780 Like and I'm causing more harm probably. And so, so six months go by, 277 00:15:31,780 --> 00:15:33,540 I'm smoking weed and that lasts about a week. 278 00:15:33,540 --> 00:15:35,900 And I remember telling myself obsessing saying, can't drink, 279 00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:38,820 I'm not going to drink. Drink is my problem. I'm okay with weed telling, 280 00:15:38,820 --> 00:15:41,500 you know, repeatedly, that's an obsession. I'm already loaded. 281 00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:43,220 I'm already obsessing about not drinking. You know what I mean? 282 00:15:43,220 --> 00:15:44,940 It's like candy can't drink, you know? 283 00:15:44,940 --> 00:15:48,620 And so I'm going to meetings take a dirty six, six or would it took it, 284 00:15:48,620 --> 00:15:52,220 took a dirty six month chip and and I remember it fell on the ground when they 285 00:15:52,220 --> 00:15:54,940 handed it to, I'll never forget that. And I'm like, they know they, 286 00:15:54,940 --> 00:15:57,980 they know that I'm level five. I remember thinking that. And, um, 287 00:15:57,980 --> 00:15:59,500 and shortly after that, 288 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:02,220 I remember I was assigned to sponsor cause I'm not going to get one. 289 00:16:02,220 --> 00:16:06,340 And so they, they, this guy, this guy, he actually got loaded later. 290 00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:09,620 And that freaked me out too. Cause I, when I got sober again with my sobriety, 291 00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:13,380 now he got loaded in that for real. So it scared me. Cause I thought he was like, 292 00:16:13,380 --> 00:16:17,380 the, you know, the mayor of AA, you know what I mean? And so, so, uh, 293 00:16:17,380 --> 00:16:19,940 I called and I said, Hey man, I don't think I want to be sober anymore. 294 00:16:19,940 --> 00:16:21,140 He told me, he's like, well, Ryan, 295 00:16:21,140 --> 00:16:23,780 alcoholics autonomous will always be here for you if you want it. 296 00:16:23,780 --> 00:16:26,580 And you can always call me and I'm like, thanks. And I felt so guilty. 297 00:16:26,580 --> 00:16:27,620 And I remember I was in my, 298 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:31,900 my only friend that I had towards the end of my drinking and his name was grumpy 299 00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:35,260 because when I get loaded, I have Disney character friends, you know, 300 00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:39,940 that was his name. His name was grumpy. And I, you know, and, uh, 301 00:16:39,940 --> 00:16:43,620 and he was my best friend, man. And, um, he still is one of my best friends, 302 00:16:43,620 --> 00:16:46,460 you know, and he's not sober. You know what I mean? He's probably one, 303 00:16:46,460 --> 00:16:48,500 he's for sure one of us, but you know, he, you know, 304 00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:49,700 I was sleep on the streets, 305 00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:51,580 choose sleep on the streets and then get kicked out of my house. 306 00:16:51,580 --> 00:16:53,740 And he would kind of like take me under his wing, right. Cause he was on the 307 00:16:53,740 --> 00:16:58,700 streets for seven, seven, seven, eight years. And, um, and, uh, 308 00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:02,700 he would always say, go home or whatever. And I'm like, nah, you know, and, um, 309 00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:07,100 Amber went to one of his flop houses that he was staying at and I'm telling him 310 00:17:07,100 --> 00:17:10,220 that I'm not drinking. This guy's like a huge crystal meth addict. 311 00:17:10,220 --> 00:17:13,700 I wasn't one of those guys, but like he, you know, he would say, dude, 312 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,500 I don't want to hear it. Like fine. Don't drink. You know what I mean? He's like, 313 00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:19,740 you know, and I go into his house, he was staying at and a guy, 314 00:17:19,740 --> 00:17:23,420 I swear he opens the door and he gives me a Natty ice natural ice. And he's like, 315 00:17:23,420 --> 00:17:26,180 Hey man, have a beer. I'm like, I can't drink. And he's like, just have one. 316 00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:29,420 Like, all right. And then, and then that night I'm drinking six beers. 317 00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:33,620 You know what I mean? I mean, it's like, I can't have two or three, you know, 318 00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:36,620 I had six beers. I wanted, I wanted some, some, some, 319 00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:40,620 some coding cough service at that time. I was dipping that my cigarettes and I, 320 00:17:40,620 --> 00:17:41,980 you know, some weed and you know what I mean? 321 00:17:41,980 --> 00:17:45,340 And I want to not out before I go to sleep. You know what I mean? So, um, you know, 322 00:17:45,340 --> 00:17:49,540 and, and, and, and, and I remember I couldn't even last a week. Like I'm, I'm, 323 00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:53,580 I'm doing opiates. I'm drinking every day in the morning. You know what I mean? 324 00:17:53,580 --> 00:17:58,140 My face is blotchy. Um, and five months go by, I'm in a bad car accident. 325 00:17:58,140 --> 00:18:02,620 And that day, I'll never forget it that day. I'm with this guy, Chris. And, um, 326 00:18:02,620 --> 00:18:06,740 this is where like alkaline water was a new thing like to the, to LA. 327 00:18:06,740 --> 00:18:09,580 And like, he was like, I'm going to go to this alkaline water interview. 328 00:18:09,580 --> 00:18:12,660 I'm like, well, whatever. I have like a 12 pack of my backpack, 329 00:18:12,660 --> 00:18:16,380 you know what I mean? And I'm just hanging out with him drinking his car. 330 00:18:16,380 --> 00:18:20,380 And like, like it was a 9 AM or something like that. And we go to Santa Clarita. 331 00:18:20,380 --> 00:18:23,940 And on our way back on the freeway for the Valley, 332 00:18:23,940 --> 00:18:27,900 there was a van on its back and there was a lady in there and there was blood 333 00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:30,860 coming out of her car. And let me show you how, how selfish I am. 334 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:35,180 This is an example of who I am. Right. Loaded. He said, Oh dude, I got to help. 335 00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:38,340 Right. I'm like, I'm like, you know, F that. You know what I mean? I said, 336 00:18:38,340 --> 00:18:40,820 I said, forget her. You know what I mean? Like, like how, 337 00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:45,460 how sick of a person was I like, I don't even know who that person was. 338 00:18:45,460 --> 00:18:47,460 You know what I mean? But I'll never forget that. 339 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:51,180 And I sat in the car and was just drinking while he was trying to help her. 340 00:18:51,180 --> 00:18:55,580 The car's catching on fire. I don't get out of his car. He's pulled over and, 341 00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:58,460 and ambulance come, fire department come, they take over whenever we leave. 342 00:18:58,460 --> 00:19:00,940 I don't even think anything of it. That, that day, 343 00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:03,380 a couple hours ago by just me off, I'm at my mom's house. 344 00:19:03,380 --> 00:19:06,300 This other guy, Mike, who has a car. I mean, 345 00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:10,700 I never had a job until I was 22 years old. You know what I mean? No work ethic. 346 00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:14,300 This other guy, he has a car. He's a Christian dude. 347 00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:18,060 Never smoked weed in his life. Just a goody two shoe, whatever. So he, so, 348 00:19:18,060 --> 00:19:20,860 so I'm using him for a ride cause I can do that. 349 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,020 That's what I do when I get loaded. 350 00:19:22,020 --> 00:19:24,380 I want to take advantage of you and whatever I can get out of you. Right. 351 00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:28,260 And so we go to Valley circle. We get, we, you know, we're going to go, 352 00:19:28,260 --> 00:19:32,500 I'm already drunk all day, right? I get a pint at the liquor store and I asked 353 00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:33,260 this guy to get me, 354 00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:36,660 get me a bottle and come to find out he's in a sober living. Right. 355 00:19:36,660 --> 00:19:39,220 And he gets me a bottle and he's like, can you give us a ride or sober living? 356 00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,980 And I said, sure, I'm not driving. You know what I mean? 357 00:19:41,340 --> 00:19:45,860 So Mike gives him a ride. We're on van Owen on a, on a, 358 00:19:45,860 --> 00:19:49,260 on a cul-de-sac we're making a left and he owned, we almost get hit by a car. 359 00:19:49,260 --> 00:19:50,740 I'm like, dude, learn how to drive. 360 00:19:50,740 --> 00:19:54,940 And I'm cussing at him and he says, and I'm like angry at him, you know? 361 00:19:54,940 --> 00:19:58,180 And then I'm like, now he's looking at me and I'm like, dude, now go. 362 00:19:58,180 --> 00:20:02,140 So we make a left. We get T-boned by Denali going like 60 miles an hour. 363 00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:03,300 That was the same day that I, 364 00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:06,060 that I did that to that lady that I didn't get to try to help that lady. 365 00:20:06,060 --> 00:20:09,180 Same day. I, our car flips, all the windows are out. 366 00:20:09,220 --> 00:20:11,740 The guy in the back seat from Sullivan broke his whole hip. 367 00:20:11,740 --> 00:20:15,220 I'm bleeding internally. I'm coughing up blood. I can't move. 368 00:20:15,220 --> 00:20:19,420 We all get knocked out. I somehow get out of his fall out of his driver's seat. 369 00:20:19,420 --> 00:20:21,900 Everyone comes out of the neighborhood. I'm on the gurney. I go to the ER, 370 00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:25,340 whatever. No such hospital. I have a catheter. I'm urinating blood. 371 00:20:25,340 --> 00:20:29,420 I'm in the ICU for two weeks. The cops tell my mom and my dad, 372 00:20:29,420 --> 00:20:31,140 we don't even know how your son's alive. 373 00:20:31,140 --> 00:20:34,220 Cause I got the full impact and I have was a scrape on my head, dude. 374 00:20:34,220 --> 00:20:37,580 It was like, I mean, that's, that's what I get for being selfish. 375 00:20:38,460 --> 00:20:41,260 You know, I really, I look at it now. I mean, it's, if you think about it, 376 00:20:41,260 --> 00:20:42,060 you know what I mean? Like, 377 00:20:42,060 --> 00:20:45,260 and that day was a day where I believed in God for the first time in my life. 378 00:20:45,260 --> 00:20:48,620 And I never grew up, my, my dad's still an atheist or not an atheist, 379 00:20:48,620 --> 00:20:52,260 but agnostic. He doesn't, I mean, he was more to the side of atheism. 380 00:20:52,260 --> 00:20:55,860 He doesn't want to talk about anything religious or spiritual, whatever. 381 00:20:55,860 --> 00:20:56,500 But you know, 382 00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:59,420 I remember being in like the sixth day in the ICU like saying, 383 00:20:59,420 --> 00:21:01,980 cause I remember I was there and I, 384 00:21:01,980 --> 00:21:06,780 I was on the Demerol and I was craving a malt liquor, 385 00:21:06,780 --> 00:21:11,260 dude. I was great. I could taste it. And I just broke down. I said, God, 386 00:21:11,260 --> 00:21:13,860 please help me. I'm just, I'm yelling. I'm like, 387 00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:17,940 why am I thinking about this right now? You know what I mean? Like, and I, 388 00:21:17,940 --> 00:21:21,340 and it's cliched hallmark is this may sound, I thought came to my mind. 389 00:21:21,340 --> 00:21:24,900 I said a voice for real. Like I said, you know where to go. 390 00:21:24,900 --> 00:21:28,180 And I thought about the Valley club last place I thought about going to or 391 00:21:28,180 --> 00:21:32,140 getting sober again. Right. That was an act of God for me for sure. A hundred percent. 392 00:21:32,140 --> 00:21:36,300 And so I get on ICU, the doctor's like, Hey, are you in pain? I said, yeah, 393 00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:38,900 my whole right. So my body's in pain. He's like, I'm going to give you these, 394 00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:43,340 these, these, you know, what was it? Uh, like enough, like you didn't, uh, uh, 395 00:21:43,340 --> 00:21:46,900 Norco. And I'm like, no, I'm a drug addict. Don't give me that. 396 00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:49,300 You know what I mean? And he's like, are you in pain? Take him like, okay, 397 00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:53,060 whatever that day. I'm taking three or four every hour. You know what I mean? 398 00:21:53,060 --> 00:21:57,780 I'm smoking weed and I'm taking more. I'm I, and now I'm just nodding off again. 399 00:21:57,780 --> 00:21:58,740 And I, and I just, 400 00:21:58,740 --> 00:22:03,940 the suicidal thoughts came back and on March 31st, 2011 I got on my knees and 401 00:22:03,940 --> 00:22:07,820 I said, God, I just want to die. Please help me. I can't do this anymore. 402 00:22:07,820 --> 00:22:11,340 I'm crying. I mean, that was like, for me to get that emotional, 403 00:22:11,340 --> 00:22:14,420 that was like my third or fourth time getting that emotional, you know, 404 00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:18,500 like in regards to like my usage and just my thoughts and like, 405 00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:21,220 and I just couldn't do it. And for some reason or the other, 406 00:22:21,220 --> 00:22:25,220 God took my prayer a lot more seriously than I did because I've done that 407 00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:28,700 before, you know? And so what happened was, uh, 408 00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:32,100 I asked my mom to give me a ride at the Valley club on April 1st and he, 409 00:22:32,100 --> 00:22:34,980 and she did, thank God. And, and, and, um, 410 00:22:34,980 --> 00:22:38,580 and a guy by the name of Jerry Bromley was there to, to, to welcome me back. 411 00:22:38,580 --> 00:22:41,660 And Jerry, Jerry, I can say his name cause he's passed now, 412 00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:44,500 but Jerry Bromley was a, was a, was a, 413 00:22:44,500 --> 00:22:47,820 was a biker somebody who I would never want to talk to. 414 00:22:47,820 --> 00:22:52,500 And I was affiliated with certain cliques when I was younger that were against 415 00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:54,220 what Jerry Bromley was about. Right. 416 00:22:54,220 --> 00:22:58,660 And Jerry Bromley was a guy who believed in God. He was sober 15 years. 417 00:22:58,740 --> 00:23:03,420 And he, he said, Hey kid, he's like, welcome back. He's got swastika on his neck. 418 00:23:03,420 --> 00:23:06,060 You know what I mean? Just like somebody I would never talk to, you know, 419 00:23:06,060 --> 00:23:08,660 and he's like, I'm going to be here every time you take a chip. 420 00:23:08,660 --> 00:23:11,700 And that guy was there every time I took a chip. And, uh, 421 00:23:11,700 --> 00:23:13,740 I didn't even tell him about it. I mean, I didn't use my phone. 422 00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:15,740 I had a flip phone back. I didn't use my phone. You know what I mean? 423 00:23:15,740 --> 00:23:18,060 He was always there. And, uh, and I'll never forget that. 424 00:23:18,060 --> 00:23:21,180 And once I was a couple months after I took a year sober, 425 00:23:21,180 --> 00:23:24,620 Jerry was honest Harley, or I think he had an Indian, whatever he was on. 426 00:23:24,620 --> 00:23:28,740 And he would come in and pulled in and I'll never forget. He parks his bike. 427 00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:31,820 And he falls off his bike, puts the kicks that falls off. 428 00:23:31,820 --> 00:23:34,340 We run over there for like, what happened to you? You know, 429 00:23:34,340 --> 00:23:36,420 there's a guy trying to revive him. He says, 430 00:23:36,420 --> 00:23:40,700 this kid had like 60 days and he said, stay sober. And he died. 431 00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:45,180 Like it was a trip. Like I'm, I'm not, I'm laughing because it's like, 432 00:23:45,180 --> 00:23:46,900 it's like, it doesn't sound real, 433 00:23:46,900 --> 00:23:50,380 but I was there and there's other people to vouch for it. And it's, 434 00:23:50,380 --> 00:23:52,180 and I'll share that experience with you guys today, 435 00:23:52,180 --> 00:23:56,940 because there's been many like crazy situations in AA that I'm 436 00:23:56,940 --> 00:24:00,220 like, that's something out of a movie, dude. Like, that's not even like, 437 00:24:00,220 --> 00:24:03,820 that doesn't happen. That's, I've never witnessed something like that. 438 00:24:03,820 --> 00:24:08,220 You know what I mean? And, and, and that was an attraction for me for AA. 439 00:24:08,220 --> 00:24:11,100 It was a sad day. It was a sad couple of months for me. 440 00:24:11,100 --> 00:24:12,980 Cause I really liked that guy. I got to like that. 441 00:24:12,980 --> 00:24:16,060 I came to like see like good in that guy and not judge him. 442 00:24:16,060 --> 00:24:19,700 Like I always do with everybody. Like how I think everybody judges me, you know? 443 00:24:19,780 --> 00:24:23,420 And so yeah. And so I can tell you stories about a hundred people, 444 00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:27,380 a guy named Art who was 90 something when he died, I think. And he, he, 445 00:24:27,380 --> 00:24:31,100 him and his family escaped the, the, the warfare in Germany or whatever. 446 00:24:31,100 --> 00:24:34,180 And I would come into the meetings and I would like be like, you know, 447 00:24:34,180 --> 00:24:36,180 resentful at a girl or like, you know, 448 00:24:36,180 --> 00:24:40,500 or like I hate my job and I'm taking the bus. I'm still broke. I never, 449 00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:43,620 I never caught up three years sober because I'm because I had a DUI because I 450 00:24:43,620 --> 00:24:45,940 just, I didn't know how to manage money. My life was unmanageable still. 451 00:24:45,940 --> 00:24:49,140 You know what I mean? I, I, I, I, I didn't know how to do anything, you know, 452 00:24:49,140 --> 00:24:50,900 and, and guys in a gimme jobs. 453 00:24:50,900 --> 00:24:53,780 Like I was so bean sprouts with this guy Dexter who, 454 00:24:53,780 --> 00:24:57,540 who would go to the meeting and play a saxophone outside the meeting, 455 00:24:57,540 --> 00:25:00,860 which is very annoying. Right. And I was like, what is this guy doing, man? 456 00:25:00,860 --> 00:25:04,140 He gave me my first job in a, I was so bean sprouts at a farmer's market, 457 00:25:04,140 --> 00:25:07,340 you know? And, and, and, and, and, uh, my, my sponsor, 458 00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:10,180 what I have now who's been with me the last 12 years, you know, 459 00:25:10,180 --> 00:25:13,020 he has these old classic cars and like his style is cool. I'm like, 460 00:25:13,020 --> 00:25:15,540 that guy's my sponsor. You know what I mean? I like how he, 461 00:25:15,540 --> 00:25:18,860 how he lives his life. I like things he's into. And that guy, man, 462 00:25:18,860 --> 00:25:20,060 like would always call me, 463 00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:23,340 how you doing buddy after just getting out of a divorce or having a fight at his 464 00:25:23,340 --> 00:25:26,140 job. And he would think about me, you know what I mean? And he helped me, 465 00:25:26,140 --> 00:25:27,540 he got me through the step work. 466 00:25:27,540 --> 00:25:31,420 And the reason why he's still my sponsor today is because he took his time with 467 00:25:31,420 --> 00:25:33,140 me. He did it, you know, 468 00:25:33,140 --> 00:25:37,180 I was honest and thorough with him and I had spiritual experience. These, 469 00:25:37,180 --> 00:25:40,460 these I had feelings come about me that I'm like, that's God, man, 470 00:25:40,460 --> 00:25:43,300 that's God talking to me. And, um, I didn't, I didn't, 471 00:25:43,300 --> 00:25:45,740 I didn't like any of my jobs and he kept his mouth shut. 472 00:25:45,740 --> 00:25:47,980 That's something that's, I should say, it's very important. 473 00:25:48,020 --> 00:25:51,740 That man as far as I know, everything I've told him to stay between me and him. 474 00:25:51,740 --> 00:25:55,140 And that's why he's my sponsor today. Cause he has a closed mouth and um, 475 00:25:55,140 --> 00:25:56,980 and he helped me and he still helps me, you know? 476 00:25:56,980 --> 00:25:59,820 And so this guy Art would be like, I go in there and have a bad day. 477 00:25:59,820 --> 00:26:02,740 And this old man Art was sitting on the couch, same place every time. And you 478 00:26:02,740 --> 00:26:05,380 know, Valekov has a bunch of meetings and he'd be like, Oh God. 479 00:26:05,380 --> 00:26:08,020 And I wouldn't even tell him anything. He'd look at me and be like, junior, 480 00:26:08,020 --> 00:26:11,780 only the toe knows. I'm like, how does this guy know I'm going through something? 481 00:26:11,780 --> 00:26:13,020 I didn't even talk to him. You know what I mean? 482 00:26:13,020 --> 00:26:16,340 But like I felt he knew that I was going through something. You know what I mean? 483 00:26:16,420 --> 00:26:19,380 And for me, that was like a God experience, you know? Weird. I know, 484 00:26:19,380 --> 00:26:21,780 but these are things I'll never forget. And, um, 485 00:26:21,780 --> 00:26:23,700 I hated all my jobs like eight years sober, 486 00:26:23,700 --> 00:26:27,060 got into a bad relationship when I had five years sober dating a newcomer, 487 00:26:27,060 --> 00:26:28,780 which is, I highly recommend you do that. 488 00:26:28,780 --> 00:26:33,460 And so I thought I was gonna marry her at delusions of grandeur. I was like, 489 00:26:33,460 --> 00:26:36,220 you know what I mean? She just, she's coming off of a, you know, 490 00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:39,820 the morphine maintenance or what is, what is it? Uh, yeah, 491 00:26:39,820 --> 00:26:43,580 she's coming off a maintenance program. I'm going to marry this girl. And so, 492 00:26:43,580 --> 00:26:46,180 and so, you know, uh, I go to Spain cause I, 493 00:26:46,180 --> 00:26:48,940 cause I never traveled anywhere outside Reseda before my life. 494 00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:52,940 So I go to Spain and like hit your sober and, and, and, and I come back, 495 00:26:52,940 --> 00:26:56,300 I find out my dad's dying and she, the same night I find out my dad's died. 496 00:26:56,300 --> 00:26:57,860 She's like, I'm leaving you. I don't love you. 497 00:26:57,860 --> 00:27:00,660 I already found a place a month ago and I'm taking the dog with me. 498 00:27:00,660 --> 00:27:02,460 You know, same thing like the, 499 00:27:02,460 --> 00:27:06,380 all that same night after I had a great time in Spain and oh my God, 500 00:27:06,380 --> 00:27:10,260 I was devastated. I didn't want to drink the obsession for me to just say this to, 501 00:27:10,260 --> 00:27:12,900 I'm going to end right now. I'm everywhere, but thank you guys for listening. 502 00:27:12,900 --> 00:27:15,860 I, you know, the obsession after doing the step work was removed. 503 00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:20,340 Never to return once a year. Maybe the thought of drinking looks good. 504 00:27:20,340 --> 00:27:23,460 It looks attractive and it's quickly supplanted with, that's insane. 505 00:27:23,460 --> 00:27:25,460 That's insane. It doesn't look good. And I don't, I don't, 506 00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:27,780 and then I tell my sponsor, Hey, I had a thought today. I had this, 507 00:27:27,780 --> 00:27:29,780 this weird thought and he's like, Oh, okay, thanks for telling me. 508 00:27:29,780 --> 00:27:33,500 It's good that you did that. And it doesn't affect my life, you know? And um, 509 00:27:33,500 --> 00:27:35,620 if you're a new man and you want that gone, um, 510 00:27:35,620 --> 00:27:38,500 it will happen for you if you're honest and thorough and you want any of an 511 00:27:38,500 --> 00:27:42,020 honest desire to be cleanest over. It's happened for me. And um, 512 00:27:42,020 --> 00:27:43,620 so dealing with that relationship, 513 00:27:43,700 --> 00:27:47,420 I did what exactly with Jerry Bromley what art did for me, 514 00:27:47,420 --> 00:27:49,500 what my sponsor Joel W did for me. 515 00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:53,100 And it was get out of myself regardless of what I'm going through and talk to a 516 00:27:53,100 --> 00:27:56,700 newcomer and get into what they're, what's going on in them with prayer, 517 00:27:56,700 --> 00:28:00,500 asking God specifically to help remove these things from you and show me what 518 00:28:00,500 --> 00:28:03,420 I'm supposed to do using the set, utilizing the seven step prayer, 519 00:28:03,420 --> 00:28:07,660 the third step prayer. Um, and if you're new, I'm here to help. If, if you know, 520 00:28:07,660 --> 00:28:08,380 if you're serious, 521 00:28:08,380 --> 00:28:10,180 if you mean business and you want to be clean sober, 522 00:28:10,180 --> 00:28:11,980 I'm here to help and thank you guys for having me.