1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,720 Armando Alcoholic, thank you Ben for asking me. 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,360 Not so much to Sunny, our mutual friend, 3 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:10,000 you know, who canceled on my H&I panel 4 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,680 and pawned me to this meeting tonight. 5 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:14,720 So, but I've been trained to be a yes guy. 6 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:17,040 There was a point in my sobriety where I was a no guy 7 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:18,400 and I paid the price for it. 8 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,720 So just bear with me guys, I'm a little bit nervous. 9 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:26,680 I drank too much coffee and I stayed a little bit longer 10 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:28,040 in the sauna at the gym earlier. 11 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:30,240 So this is a little bit going everywhere today. 12 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:31,800 So I don't know what's gonna come out, 13 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:35,680 but I have a sponsor, Richard P. in Canyon Country. 14 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,880 I have a home group table up the street. 15 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:39,500 My pronouns are now and more. 16 00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:43,280 For a while, I was never invited. 17 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:45,920 You're, you know, and it's not welcome anywhere. 18 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,060 And, you know, thanks for inviting me again. 19 00:00:48,060 --> 00:00:50,160 Before I really crashed and burned 20 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:52,240 when I was still welcome in some places, 21 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:56,640 the feedback from the hosts or my friends 22 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,360 who would have me the next day, 23 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,760 it's not like, oh, you were so helpful last night. 24 00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:03,600 We can't wait to have you again. 25 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:04,680 It wasn't like that. 26 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:07,960 You know, it's more like you throw up in the rug, 27 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,680 you broke my wife's wedding gift, 28 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,560 you were hitting my mother-in-law, 29 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:15,080 and you clip the neighbor's car on the way out, you know, 30 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,520 and that was the kind of drinking I did. 31 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:21,080 And it's just not even, you know, when I really crashed 32 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:22,520 and burned. 33 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:25,460 So I sat on those chairs for a while, 34 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:30,000 either in a county jail, in rehabs, or in prison, 35 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,600 and a speaker would show up or an H&I pal would show up 36 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,440 and talk, and they would, you know, 37 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,080 share good information that saved my life. 38 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,320 And all I hear is, keep coming back, it works if you work it. 39 00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:44,240 'Cause while I was sitting there, I was checked out, 40 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,720 just thinking of who's gonna co-sign the apartment 41 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,080 so I can get a big bag and I can get her back 42 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,600 and get a car so I can sell drugs. 43 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:54,600 You're gonna get a Subaru, it's inconspicuous, you know, 44 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,720 cops don't check on Subaru. 45 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:59,640 I mean, all of that is going on and on and on. 46 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,560 While I'm sober, you know, 47 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:04,120 I was not under the influence of anything. 48 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:08,640 I was in a safe place and I was hijacked by my alcoholism. 49 00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:12,520 And to have alcoholism, you know, it'll never go away. 50 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:15,480 It's not in the bottle, it's not in the syringe, 51 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:18,160 it's not in the pipe, it's in my mind. 52 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:20,800 Every morning, it's knocking on the door, you know, 53 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,720 I demand payment, you know, let's go. 54 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:26,080 Either I, you know, I respond with God in the steps 55 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:30,200 or I go with, you know, what happened at work five days ago, 56 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,960 you know, and I'm in the shower, getting ready for work 57 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,200 and playing this mental chess game, you know, 58 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,400 this guy rolling the forklift, you know, 59 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:40,960 I'm gonna get even with him today. 60 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,520 I'm gonna unload this trailer slow 61 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:47,320 so he can leave the, you know, and I haven't even 62 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,680 left the place yet, you know, I haven't had coffee yet, 63 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,320 you know, I'm already exhausted. 64 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,280 I do that sober, you know, by the time I get to work, 65 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:56,080 the guy's on vacation. 66 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:57,520 (indistinct) 67 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,800 I go, see you in 45 minutes, you know, I can't get back, 68 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:05,320 but that's alcoholism, so I went to a party in 1985. 69 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,800 I liked it so much, I stayed till 2004. 70 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:11,680 In that party, there was loud music, there was naked women, 71 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:14,640 there was unacceptable behavior, there was parole, 72 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:18,280 probation, high speed chase, liver problems, 73 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,160 lower companionship, homelessness, unemployability, 74 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,480 violence towards me, and I participated 75 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,360 on the other side of that, trips to the ER. 76 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,680 Towards the end of that party, I was at the Voyager, 77 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,440 you know, sitting at the edge of the bed, 78 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,000 and I'm looking at that little gap 79 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,000 between the door and the light, you know, 80 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,400 and I'm rocking back and forth, rocking back and forth, 81 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,560 and the bed and the door, I'm taking a hit, 82 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,280 I'm doing a pull, taking a hit, I'm doing a pull, 83 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,760 you know, I'm waiting for them to come, you know, 84 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:52,040 I wasn't expecting anybody, and a shadow blocked the light, 85 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,040 and I'm like, oh my God, they're here, you know, 86 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,440 but there's, you know, I wasn't expecting anybody, 87 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,880 and what I was doing is I was medicating. 88 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:01,440 I was really sick, I was doing the best that I can 89 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:04,000 with what I have, and did that till the sun came up, 90 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,240 pipe's empty, the bottle's gone, check out time, 91 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:07,960 you know, do the hustle again. 92 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:11,120 And, you know, I learned now, 93 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,160 my sobriety date is May 26, '04, 94 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:14,600 and I didn't do anything special, 95 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,160 you know, it's just that time God told me, like, 96 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,120 combat community, and I listened. 97 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,520 I grew up in the island, my mom's from the Philippines, 98 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,120 my dad's from New Jersey, at the best of both worlds, 99 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:26,520 best of both worlds, you know, 100 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,800 that I have alcoholism at a very young age, 101 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,400 I was seven, I think I was 11, 12 years old, 102 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,600 Tari came out, you know, Tari came out, 103 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,280 and oh man, I told my mom, I want that, 104 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:39,240 you gave me that, I'll be the best son ever. 105 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:42,480 They'll get good grades, do all my chores, 106 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:43,720 they don't have to give me anything 107 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:45,320 for my birthday or Christmas, you know, 108 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,840 I negotiated, you know, and I got it. 109 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:48,680 She gave it. 110 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,360 Three weeks later, that thing meant nothing. 111 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,600 It was sitting in a corner gathering dust, 112 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,000 and that's how I go through life. 113 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,920 Even in sobriety, you know, I would obsess on something, 114 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,360 I would obsess on a phone, a gadget like that, 115 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:03,640 a laptop, or her, and then we'll get the phone, 116 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,720 it's already old, 'cause the new one came out, 117 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,520 and then I would get the laptop, it's too slow now, 118 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,840 'cause it's not loading the pages fast enough, 119 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,200 and then I would get her, all of a sudden, 120 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,400 she's got chubby ankles, I don't want her anymore, you know, 121 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,440 and there is nothing wrong with the phone, 122 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,560 the laptop, or her, I'm the problem. 123 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:23,000 I'm always finding something wrong in my life, 124 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,360 you know, I'm all, you know, I'm like, 125 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,680 when I pushed in on the map, I'm like, 126 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,040 this is not supposed to be here, it's supposed to be there, 127 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:33,000 I'm like, I'm already like, what's going on here, you know, 128 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,200 and, but anyway, you know, what do I know? 129 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:36,840 This is a meeting, this is where they move, 130 00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:39,160 so that's how I go through life, man, 131 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:42,640 and I remember I was, I think, 15 or 16, you know, 132 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,200 I started, you know, partying, you know, 133 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,400 we all do that, the fun, the fun problems, 134 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:50,360 and it was just fun, I was having a blast, you know, 135 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:53,200 just hanging out in the beach, having bonfires, 136 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,160 girls drinking rum, and just having fun, 137 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,400 and having a good time, and I remember, 138 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,320 it's my turn to get the pot that day from the weed guy, 139 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,880 I went to the weed guy's house, 140 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:05,880 so he can get some pot, no weed today, buddy, try this, 141 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:09,480 it was meth, and I was gone, and I gave that my best, 142 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,000 chased that for a good 20 years, 143 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,360 and I did the geographic, you know, I left the islands, 144 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:19,000 I ended up in Reno, Nevada, Sacramento, the Bay Area, 145 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,920 and then I ended up here in Los Angeles 146 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,280 after the earthquake in '94, yeah, I was here in '94, 147 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:27,960 June, I was here, and then in all those stops that I made, 148 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,760 there were people that opened their homes, 149 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,800 their carts to me, they fed me, 150 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,800 they let me get back on my feet, 151 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,560 some of them even let me use their cars, 152 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,480 gave me debit cards to use, just let me know what you charge, 153 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,280 you know, so you can buy your work clothes or uniform, 154 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:42,760 and they were nice, you know, 155 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,760 and while I was getting back on my feet, 156 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,640 you know, I would get triggered, triggered, 157 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:50,480 and I would, you know, the rent goes up my nose, 158 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:54,000 the car payment goes to the casino or the liquor store 159 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:55,640 or the bar, and I would leave 160 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:59,280 without explaining anything to them or apologizing, 161 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:00,880 I wouldn't even tell them I'll make it up to you, 162 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:03,560 I'll just pop to my neck, stop all the wreckage, 163 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,280 you know, and thanks to this program, 164 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:07,920 I circled back all of them, some of them were receptive, 165 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:09,680 some of them, God bless, you know, 166 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:10,760 keep doing what you're doing, 167 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,320 so I ended up here in '94 in Highland Park, 168 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:16,640 once more, I was hopeful, people opened their doors for me, 169 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,040 so I could get back on my feet, and it didn't take long, 170 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,040 I, the neighbor across the street, 171 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,200 we, you know, we both got paid on Fridays, 172 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,400 and, you know, I remember first Friday, 173 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:29,360 we drank, the next Friday, he pulled out a joint, 174 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,800 and we did some lines, and then the third Friday, 175 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,920 we smoked some crack, went to McConaughey Park, 176 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,880 and the fourth Friday, he looked at me, 177 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,360 and he just gave me the mug, and I said, you know, 178 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,400 'cause he made a mistake, 179 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,280 he showed me where McConaughey Park is, 180 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:44,720 I ditched him, you know, I, that's the kind of, you know, 181 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,480 alcoholic I am, you can't show me where to get that, 182 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:48,640 you know, I'll leave you, 183 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,880 and when the McConaughey Park is just for crack, 184 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:53,680 and I'm at location, you know, 185 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,240 had to learn Spanish real quick, 186 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,000 so I could get high better, you know, 187 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,520 without Rosetta Stone, and, you know, 188 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,080 that's the kind of thing, 189 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,040 that's the kind of thinking I bring here, you know, 190 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,600 I've learned another language so I could get high better, 191 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,200 but when it comes to step work, picking up a newcomer, 192 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,480 doing, you know, my inventory, 193 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,640 I'm like, let's put a hold on that, you know, 194 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,720 so I, you know, and it didn't take long, you know, 195 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,960 after McConaughey Park, I just went downhill, 196 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:21,080 I just crashed and burned, and ended up in the streets, 197 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,320 I hung up with, hung out with the wrong crowd, 198 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:26,200 I had a lot of legal problems, and multiple counties, 199 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:30,400 and the, you know, it's just the problems just kept piling, 200 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,480 piling up, and I didn't know what to do, 201 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:35,880 and I, you know, I remember there were times, you know, 202 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:37,920 I would talk to God, please let this end, 203 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,280 I don't know how, I'm too scared to go, you know, 204 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,320 do it myself, but I just, I was tired on the streets, 205 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:47,480 so I fast forwarded 2004, I paroled again once more, 206 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,840 when I got loaded, and I had nowhere to go, 207 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,880 nobody wanted, you know, not welcome anywhere, 208 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,360 even the dope guy's garage, you know, and go away, 209 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,160 you know, and I didn't know, and I asked a friend, 210 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,320 what should I do, and he told me, 211 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,160 let's go ask your parole officer to see what he could do, 212 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:04,920 and the parole officer said, 213 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,000 I can't violate you, you're tested clean, 214 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,720 let me see what I can do, and he made some phone calls, 215 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,360 I got into a program, it's called People in Progress, 216 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:13,960 in Sun Valley, I got in there, 217 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:17,840 and I kind of start getting my life back on track, 218 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,480 thanks to, they have a lot of self-step programs, 219 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,120 alcoholics, anonymous, narcotics, anonymous, and CA, 220 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:25,840 and all that, I attended all those meetings, 221 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:29,000 they want me to go, and I think the fourth month, 222 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,080 I got into, I got my driver's license, 223 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:33,400 I was driving the clients, and I mean, 224 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,760 I backed up the van for a park car, 225 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,760 and had to let me go, and my thinking was, 226 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,040 you know, I don't have resources, 227 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,440 I'm going back to the street, 228 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:43,800 and they were trying to place me there, 229 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,520 trying to make phone calls for a bed available, 230 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,480 you know, to try help their son, 231 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,680 you know, all these nonprofits here back then, 232 00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:52,360 I don't have health insurance, you know, 233 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:55,240 and a clock was ticking, I was in a couch at their lobby, 234 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:57,640 and my plan was, you know, if this don't work out 235 00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,960 at around 12 or once, time to party again. 236 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,200 The last minute, you know, one of their phone calls, 237 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:03,160 the calls that they made, 238 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,520 a bed opened up at Salvation Army in Van Nuys, 239 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,760 and I think I had 40 or 60 bucks, 240 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,520 I was asking directions, how do I get there, 241 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:14,200 what's the plus, I think you should take a cab, 242 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,040 that's what the guys, 243 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:17,080 and the best cab ride I ever took, 244 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,840 and I went and got in there, 245 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:22,960 and did their program, and I met my second sponsor there, 246 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,880 and this guy made God real for me, 247 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:28,240 he told me, kid, you've been trying this all your life, 248 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:31,040 yeah, you're gonna need God, 249 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:34,000 you just need God, and I listened to him for the first time, 250 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,000 he told me you need God morning, noon, and night, 251 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,400 and in between, Costco at the post office, 252 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,360 when people are not using turn signals, 253 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,840 you're gonna need God, you know, 254 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:45,320 when you're at HR, and you're getting written up again, 255 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:47,600 'cause I can't answer the phone, you're gonna need God, 256 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:52,600 you know, 'cause I go to HR, I'm a regular at the HR, 257 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,640 his words come out of my mouth, 258 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,440 and I'm in insensitivity training, 259 00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,000 like at least once a month, 260 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,680 Armando, somebody filed a complaint again, 261 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,240 you need to watch the video and sign this, 262 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,800 okay, I'm sorry, I'm gonna get my name back, 263 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,920 but anyway, my sponsor, you know, my second sponsor, 264 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,240 and you know, he was very patient with me, 265 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:13,240 he read the big book, the 12 and 12, 266 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:16,520 and he gave me a dictionary, I didn't have a smartphone, 267 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,960 I didn't know, line by line, word by word, 268 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,440 sentence by sentence, you know, page by page, 269 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,280 he said, we need to do this orally, you know, 270 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:26,200 so, you know, we don't have to go, you know, 271 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,160 and if I didn't know a word, he made me look it up, 272 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:31,680 to this day, I still don't know some of those words, 273 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:34,680 and they're not big words, it's just, I'm not educated, 274 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,760 you know, I know what dilemma, and willingness, 275 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,400 all of that, and I'm using my sponsor, 276 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,000 see, you're in a dilemma right now, 277 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,200 what is that, look it up, you know, like, 278 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:46,120 I'm trying to be smart with him, but, 279 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,880 so, yeah, we're reading the big book, 280 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,200 and then there's a part in the doctor's opinion that said, 281 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:53,240 maladjusted delight, I'm not good at memorizing, 282 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,920 maladjusted delight, outright mental defect, 283 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,960 and full flight from reality, something like that, 284 00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,560 you know, and we read that, you know, 285 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:01,840 I kinda like, it's a little bit excessive, 286 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,800 this is in my head, you know, like, 287 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,000 I just smoked a lot of meth and did burglaries, 288 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,800 you know, you're telling me I'm this, this, and this, 289 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:11,000 and he kinda saw my face, but he said, 290 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,480 "Yep, if the shoe fits, you gotta wear it," 291 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,080 and he's right, the shoe fits. 292 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:17,800 I was in full flight from reality, 293 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:20,480 that the negative consequences of my actions 294 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,680 are just piling up, I'm eating, you know, 295 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,840 I'm stealing food, I'm squatting, you know, 296 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,720 but I still think it's not that bad, I'm in denial, 297 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,440 I'm maladjusted delight, you know, I'm very impatient, 298 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,560 you know, if you're not giving me what I want, 299 00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:34,960 why are you even here, you know, 300 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,120 that's the way I, you know, even the sobriety, 301 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,040 and I'm an outright mental defect, you know, 302 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:42,200 I double down, things are bad, instead of people 303 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,880 dial it down a little bit, I just like, 304 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,240 I go for the next one, you know, and see what happens, 305 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,520 you know, sober, and I've gotten better now, 306 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,280 but that's the thinking that I brought here, 307 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:54,000 and he showed me a different way of life, so, 308 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,160 and he also said, "Watch your thoughts, 309 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,400 your disease will come back, you know, 310 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:01,320 if you're not, you know, doing what we're supposed to do, 311 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,640 'cause this is a way of life, this is not reading, 312 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:06,200 this is just not going to meetings and drinking coffee 313 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,960 and socializing, no, this is a, this is a way of life, 314 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,880 same thing as when you're in your, 315 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,840 I'll call this your addiction, it's a way of life," 316 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,760 and he's right, "There was a part in my sobriety 317 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,480 I got comfortable in not drinking, 318 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,320 'cause life got, it didn't get better, life changed," 319 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:20,480 that's what he said, you know, 320 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:21,960 "Your life will change if you do this, 321 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,720 'cause he never promised me it'll get better," 322 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,120 'cause I would hold him up for that, you know, 323 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:29,920 but it changed, it did, my life changed, you know, 324 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,120 and he explained to me, "Food will get better, 325 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,440 the way you communicate with people will get better, 326 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,920 your relationship with God and at work will get better, 327 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,520 sex will get better," you know, and he said all of that, 328 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,120 you know, and he's right, and I did, you know, 329 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,880 I did the bare minimum, and my life got a little better, 330 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,120 you know, I was, you know, 331 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,320 I was getting passed on shoulder at work, 332 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,240 you know, I'm cultivating relationships again, 333 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,960 I'm still waiting for the sex life to get better this day, 334 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:57,760 but, you know, I just, it's AA, you know, 335 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:02,080 but I kind of slowed down a little bit 'cause it got better, 336 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:05,320 and the disease came back, it crept up on me, you know, 337 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,920 I was not dry, I was crispy for a little while, 338 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,200 I, you know, I failed to enrich my spirit, 339 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:13,280 I mean, enlarge my spiritual life and build new character, 340 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:15,320 I didn't do that, you know, what I did 341 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,560 is I did the next best thing that I can think of, 342 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:20,600 get into a relationship, you know, and oh boy, you know, 343 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:23,240 I did the opposite of, you know, working on the program, 344 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,800 got into a relationship, and my character defects 345 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:29,240 came back on steroids, you know, I was argumentative, 346 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:33,520 I was always complaining, you're never enough, you know, 347 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,800 and I, my alcohol isn't just full blast, you know, 348 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,080 I was three, five, 10, 15 years sober, 349 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,120 and it showed up in different forms, 350 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:44,640 showed up on video games, I played a retarded, 351 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,400 I'm sorry, a ridiculous amount of video games, you know, 352 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,760 I would play 10, 12 hours of video games, 353 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:54,520 and not make coffee, my commitment, not show up, 354 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,080 and I was, you know, playing Halo, and I would, 355 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,680 at one point I thought I was Master Chief, you know, 356 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,480 and then it showed up in porn, 357 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,320 I destroyed a lot of computers, it showed up in gambling, 358 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,880 I was buying scratchers, you know, 359 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:09,880 I would buy $10 worth of gas and $60 worth of scratchers, 360 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,400 and, you know, have them at home, 361 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,640 and my mom would come, you need gas, you know, 362 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:17,120 no, the tank barely moved, I needed scratchers, 363 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,640 you know, that's what I wanted, it showed up in food, 364 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,320 I was 80 pounds overweight the first three years, 365 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,360 you know, there's not a donut that I meant, 366 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:25,560 I didn't like at the meeting, 367 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,320 I showed up in unnecessary spending, 368 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:31,440 'cause I, through this program, I fixed my finances again, 369 00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,400 I got, you know, a decent credit score, 370 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,480 I was getting cards again, you know, 371 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:38,600 but, you know, I discovered Amazon and eBay, 372 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,460 and, you know, boxes were showing up at the doorstep, 373 00:15:41,460 --> 00:15:43,440 and the cards are getting maxed up, 374 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,380 and, you know, the bill will show up, 375 00:15:45,380 --> 00:15:47,240 and I'm like, I didn't click buy on it, 376 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,680 I just hovered over it, you know, that's the, you know, 377 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,800 I'm in denial, you know, you bought it stupid, 378 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,280 you know, there's eight boxes on the doorstep, 379 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:58,000 and I'm sober, you know, I'm destroying slowly the, 380 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,640 you know, it's like, it says on the book, you know, 381 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,820 termites, the seasonally devoured foundation, 382 00:16:02,820 --> 00:16:04,700 something like that, you know, it's doing that, 383 00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:08,120 and it's, lately I'm, you know, I'm, 384 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:10,520 my alcohol sim showed up in online dating, 385 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,400 swiping like a madman, you know, 386 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,520 I'm on five different apps, you know, 387 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:18,120 Tinder, Hinge, and Plenty of Fish, and swiping, 388 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:21,780 and I'm swiping, and you know, and I match with these women, 389 00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:24,400 and we would talk, and, you know, 390 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,440 and we would just, you know, chat and text and, you know, 391 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:31,160 like, oh my God, thank you for finding my soulmate finally, 392 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:33,840 you know, and, you know, text some more, 393 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:35,640 and, you know, while we're doing that, 394 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,280 oh my God, she's the one, 395 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,200 I'm planning honeymoon in Hawaii already, you know, 396 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,640 just talking on the phone, you know, 397 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,520 and the day would come, we'd try to meet, 398 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:50,520 and she, you know, at Starbucks, of course, I'm sober. 399 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,760 She showed up, she shows up, you know, she's beautiful, 400 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,120 she's wearing a dress, smell like bubblegum, 401 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,200 I look down, she's wearing flip-flops, you know, 402 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,880 it's no pedicure, so I cancel the wedding in my head, 403 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,240 you know, like, it's a deal breaker, you know, 404 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,600 like, I'm a feed guy, you know, what's wrong with that, 405 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:09,880 you know, that's, you know, I'm the problem, you know, 406 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:13,000 and so what I do, you know, I go home, 407 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,760 'cause, you know, failure again, 408 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,720 I can't find a soulmate, a girlfriend, in sobriety, 409 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,560 I isolate, I don't return texts or calls, you know, 410 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,520 I find excuse not to show up at an H&I panel, you know, 411 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:27,760 I order food, I eat all of it, all pizza, 412 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,920 now I'm down, you know, I eat the whole thing, 413 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:32,520 so I go to the gym and I work out for three hours, 414 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:35,520 'cause seeing my clothes doesn't fit me anymore, 415 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,400 to the point of injuring myself, 416 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:41,480 and, you know, I go home and pass out, I wake up, 417 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,440 I watch six episodes of Dexter back to back to back, 418 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,640 you know, just to get rid of that experience, you know, 419 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:52,120 it won't go away, you know, and I pop on the computer, 420 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,480 I buy a sunglasses or a shoe that I don't need, 421 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,760 you know, and the tracking order is not fast enough, 422 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,960 you know, who do I email about, it's nonsense, 423 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,720 and on and on and on, it's just crazy, you know, 424 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:04,080 and I'm in pain and suffering, you know, 425 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,080 because I have this failure to form a true partnership 426 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:10,120 with another human being, and pain would be so much, 427 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:12,080 eventually I would talk to my sponsor 428 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,840 and tell him what's going on, even another alcoholic, 429 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,680 and this is what's going on with me, 430 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,400 and my sponsor would tell me, you've cycled in all, 431 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,760 this is my new sponsor, no more third sponsors, 432 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,440 you've cycled in all the behaviors already, 433 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:27,200 the next stop is you're gonna drink if you don't stop 434 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,120 and do something about it, and he's right, 435 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:32,920 and for me to drink is to die, 'cause I take it too far, 436 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:36,640 I don't, you know, people stop when they get sick 437 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,040 and they part, I stop when I'm captured, 438 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,440 you know, or facing the judge, you know, 439 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,760 that's when I stop, and he's right, 440 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:46,200 I mean, he would give me specific instructions, 441 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,440 do the readings, you know, and go to do this, 442 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,040 be of service, you know, and pick up a newcomer, 443 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:53,640 sign yourself up at Tarzana or Pride Health, 444 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,120 put your name on that list again, you know, 445 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,160 be active in AA, and he would, 446 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:00,400 I remember he made me read this one thing, 447 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,280 in the 12 and 12, he says, under the lash of alcoholism, 448 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,920 you are driven back to AA, and something like, you know, 449 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,840 I start listening as dying can be, 'cause I'm dying, 450 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,480 you know, I'm overeating, I'm overspending, 451 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,360 I'm watching porn, I'm gambling, you know, 452 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,640 I'm not getting loaded, but all those behaviors 453 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:20,000 is just as bad as it is, and you know, I get back to it, 454 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,720 you know, and he's right, things get better, 455 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,160 my life gets, the road gets wider, 456 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:27,480 you know, I'm not arguing with people, you know, 457 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,760 I don't find anything wrong with, you know, 458 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:33,160 don't complain about if a place smells like mothballs 459 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,880 or something, you know, like, you know, 460 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,200 if a place smells, you know, 461 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,400 if chairs are not comfortable, who runs this meeting? 462 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,280 This nonsense in my head, and you know, 463 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:47,920 I get relief from alcoholism, and it's because of this, 464 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,120 you know, places like this, and people like you 465 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:51,720 have helped me a lot, you know, 466 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,160 I'm really the least qualified person to do this, 467 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:55,840 you know, I'm not good at this, you know, 468 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,720 but I'm strange to, you know, I'm gonna close with this, 469 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,200 you know, probably won't go through as much 470 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,800 as the 30 minutes that you require of me, 471 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,640 but you know, to this day, I'm still captured 472 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,080 by my disease, my alcoholism, you know, 473 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,280 I will be at home in my bed, you know, 474 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,720 and out of nowhere, you know, just staring at the ceiling, 475 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:16,480 you know, like, oh, you know, I'm fantasizing, 476 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:20,240 you know, that's another form of alcoholism, 477 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,760 you know, I live in this dream land 478 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,400 that I manufacture in my head, 479 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,920 this is why the TV is going, you know, 480 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,600 I'm not even watching the show I said I was gonna watch, 481 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,160 you know, I'm looking at the ceiling 482 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:35,120 and I'm fantasizing that it'd be nice 483 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:38,560 to be living in Malibu, surrounded by porn stars, 484 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,880 drinking green smoothie all day, checking your crypto, 485 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,840 not going home, you know, all of that, you know, 486 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,440 that's in my head, you know, 'cause, you know, 487 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,760 and sober, you know, and then, you know, 488 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:52,480 I get a Tesla, thank you God, 489 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,360 and you are back to reality again, you know, 490 00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:58,920 and the reality is, I live in a really small apartment, 491 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,720 350 square feet, you know, God is giving me that, 492 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,120 you know, I'm really grateful for that, you know, 493 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:07,760 and it's paid food in the fridge, it's full, you know, 494 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:10,680 I mean, I go to Costco and my friends are like, 495 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,000 you've been by yourself, why do you go to so much? 496 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,080 You go like, I don't know, they got good deals, you know, 497 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:19,440 I can't, you can't pass up on 20 rolls of paper towels, 498 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,120 you know, like, you know, I got high speed internet, 499 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,560 I got food, you know, I, you know, 500 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,440 you see that I'm obsessed with, you know, 501 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,640 H and I meetings, AA meetings, you know, the newcomers, 502 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,320 you know, I work in Canoga Park, 503 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:34,800 and I've been in the same job for 19 years, you know, 504 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,040 I don't know what they see in me, 505 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:37,640 but I have self coverage, you know, 506 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,120 I make a lot of money, you know, when the car's paid, 507 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,160 there's insurance that's registered on my name, 508 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:43,640 you know, I got medical, dental, 509 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:46,600 you know, I go watch concerts, buy pizza, you know, 510 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,880 go to a movie, you know, and, you know, gym membership. 511 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:53,120 I never dreamed about this, you know, I have all of that, 512 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,400 you know, thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, 513 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,880 because I listen, listen to the same formula 514 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,080 that all my three sponsors have told me, 515 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,680 trust God, clean house and help others, you know, 516 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,560 trust God morning, noon and night, in between that, 517 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:09,200 and the hot water in the shower works, thank God, 518 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:13,520 you know, when your car starts, thank God and clean house, 519 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:17,280 you know, and I did, you know, the steps, you know, 520 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:21,000 thoroughly on each one of them and some of them I did twice, 521 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,640 you know, read the book over and over, you know, 522 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,840 multiple times and two of my sponsors 523 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:29,320 and I begrudgingly go to Canyon Country once a month, 524 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,640 you know, sit down and talk to my, I mean, 525 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,840 why did I pick this guy, you know, I was, you know, 526 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,640 I could have picked somebody here in North Ridge, 527 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:39,080 you know, Canyon Country, you know, the five, the 14th year, 528 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,800 I mean, but that's where God wants me to be 529 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:45,280 and this guy is helping me, you know, 530 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:48,840 help others, that's the most important, you know, 531 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,880 learn how to help others without letting anybody know, 532 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,840 God knows, you know, and I've been taught to help others 533 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,040 outside the sober community, you know, help other people 534 00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:00,720 and I am the last person, you know, 535 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,840 like I'm a selfish minister, you know, 536 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,840 I'm always thinking about what do I get out of this, 537 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,240 but, you know, that's not the case now, you know, 538 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:11,000 I've learned that here and through you guys, you know, 539 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,760 I don't know how to describe the field, you know, 540 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:17,240 I co-secretary a meeting at Call in the Sky every Friday 541 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,840 and I got roped into it, it's a meeting where guys 542 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,040 from the Cabrito House, Salvation Army and other, 543 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,160 you know, non-profit or, you know, not so lucky 544 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:28,840 alcoholics in recovery go and they walk there, you know, 545 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,360 it's not as organized as you guys, you know, 546 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:32,640 this is amazing here, you know, 547 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,760 our format has scribblings on it, 548 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,320 post-its on the podium, it's just nuts, you know, like, 549 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:38,640 but we make it work, you know, 550 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,680 and we try to follow the traditions and you know, 551 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:43,360 there are Fridays, I don't wanna be there, 552 00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,680 the speaker would not show up, you know, 553 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,600 or would cancel like two hours before the meeting 554 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,640 and I'm like, you know, but it works, you know, 555 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:56,440 it always works because God and AA is already planned it, 556 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,760 you know, I'm just there to show up and be a part of it, 557 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:00,880 so thanks for listening.