1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,960 I'm Sonny, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:05,280 My sobriety date is July 6th, 2013. 3 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:06,580 Thank you so much for your talk. 4 00:00:06,580 --> 00:00:08,680 That was awesome. 5 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:09,520 I appreciate that. 6 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:10,480 That was a good talk. 7 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:12,500 And thank you, Ben, for asking me to come out. 8 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:14,560 This place is really cool. 9 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:17,800 I pulled up and I saw a couple people sitting outside 10 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,680 and I was like, yeah, this is a real haul. 11 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:21,940 I feel it. 12 00:00:21,940 --> 00:00:24,400 I was judging you guys from the beginning. 13 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,840 Yeah, so I have a home group. 14 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:26,800 It's called The Table. 15 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:30,400 It's about a two minute drive over there on Sadokoy 16 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,040 and White Oak. 17 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:33,880 It's been there since 2019. 18 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:37,400 And we got meetings there every day at 9 a.m. and 8 p.m. 19 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:38,680 And I love coming there. 20 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,880 I guess I'm supposed to tell you guys something 21 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:42,880 along the lines of what I was like, 22 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:44,980 what happened to me and what I'm like now. 23 00:00:44,980 --> 00:00:47,280 So let me get started on that. 24 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,080 I'm pretty sure I had alcohol. 25 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:50,800 I know this is like a controversial topic, 26 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,380 but I'm pretty sure I had alcoholism 27 00:00:53,380 --> 00:00:56,680 before I ever took a drink of alcohol. 28 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,200 And the reason I say that is like, 29 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,900 my first memory is just being terrified of, 30 00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:02,740 I mean, you name it. 31 00:01:02,740 --> 00:01:04,360 Like I would go over to a friend's house 32 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:05,900 and be scared that something was gonna happen 33 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:07,540 to my family while I was gone. 34 00:01:07,540 --> 00:01:09,560 Like that's like my first memory I've started back 35 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:12,440 is like, you know, talking to strangers. 36 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:13,760 My mom would talk to a stranger 37 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,760 and I would be like trying to like get away. 38 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:20,080 It's like, I've always been just intrinsically scared 39 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,000 under my skin. 40 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,180 And you know, I come from, you know, 41 00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:27,400 nothing ever like really traumatic happened to me 42 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:28,360 in my household. 43 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:29,880 I came from a, you know, a decent family. 44 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:32,600 I was never, you know, none of the stuff that we've heard, 45 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:35,480 we hear in alcoholics, none of that ever happened. 46 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,840 So I guess I could start my story. 47 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,560 I was a freshman in high school 48 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,040 and I got beat up really bad. 49 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,740 I was made fun of a lot for being Jewish. 50 00:01:45,740 --> 00:01:46,800 I lived in a place called, 51 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:48,480 in Northern California called Grass Valley 52 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:51,280 where I was like the only Jew with like a 400 mile radius. 53 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,840 And I got made fun of a lot. 54 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,800 And then one day I decided to stick up for myself. 55 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:58,560 And that day I got put in the hospital 56 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,160 in front of the whole school and everything. 57 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,600 Like it was, it was a very bad day for Sunny. 58 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,460 I like to think of it as like my first spiritual experience. 59 00:02:05,460 --> 00:02:06,440 It was, it was something. 60 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:09,680 But I was very, very conscious that day. 61 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:11,360 (indistinct) 62 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,720 And so, you know, I think about that 63 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,700 and, you know, it's not why I'm an alcoholic. 64 00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:17,540 I love what you said. 65 00:02:17,540 --> 00:02:19,800 You know, that circumstance is not probably 66 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,600 that's why I'm an alcoholic, 67 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,060 but I could have really used a drink that day. 68 00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:27,080 And shortly after that, I had a cast on, 69 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:30,200 and I went to my cousin's house. 70 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,640 Who he, they lived in Palmdale at the time. 71 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,360 And my cousin, his name, his name, his name was Matthew. 72 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:38,280 And he was the closest person to me in my life. 73 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:39,400 He was like my only friend. 74 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:40,800 And he was my, he was my guy. 75 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,000 I didn't really have a lot of friends. 76 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:42,840 I was one of those kids, 77 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:46,380 but he was like, we talked on the phone every single day. 78 00:02:46,380 --> 00:02:48,400 He would go to juvie and we would write together. 79 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:49,480 We would write back and forth. 80 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,920 Off and on we lived together cause our parents were so close. 81 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,080 Like he was like, he was like my brother closer. 82 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:55,800 So I came down to see him and he, 83 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,160 the drugs are a huge part of my story. 84 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:58,400 I'm an alcoholic through and through, 85 00:02:58,400 --> 00:02:59,680 but I'm a drug addict too. 86 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,080 And drugs are a big part of my story. 87 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,600 And he stole some weed from my uncle 88 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,720 and I got high for the first time. 89 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,380 I mean, in the very same way that I could talk about drugs 90 00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:11,920 or alcohol, I kind of use them interchangeably. 91 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:15,240 When I drink or do drugs in the very, very beginning, 92 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,920 I experience a bang that I don't, 93 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:21,320 that other people that I was around just did not get. 94 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:22,400 They just didn't get it. 95 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:23,520 They didn't understand it. 96 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,080 I was able, it was almost like I couldn't breathe 97 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,620 until I got loaded. 98 00:03:27,620 --> 00:03:28,880 That's the way I can explain it. 99 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,780 When I got loaded, I could, you know what I mean? 100 00:03:31,780 --> 00:03:34,720 For the first time I could not do that sober. 101 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:36,760 And I thought that was the only way to live. 102 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,600 You know, I didn't think there was another way. 103 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,200 And so when I got loaded the first time, 104 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:44,440 it was like, okay, how do we make this happen all the time? 105 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:48,560 You know, I was always a decent student. 106 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:49,400 You know what I mean? 107 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,040 I'm not a stupid man, I don't think. 108 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:53,980 And I'm the only one, I'm just kidding. 109 00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:56,080 You know, I always got decent grades. 110 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,760 You know, I played sports here and there. 111 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:01,840 And you know, I always had my family in a high regard. 112 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,840 But when I started getting loaded, 113 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:08,320 I immediately compromised and sacrificed everything 114 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,600 that I ever cared about to get loaded. 115 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:11,600 I didn't care about school. 116 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:12,680 I didn't care about my family. 117 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:13,720 I didn't care about making money. 118 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:14,560 I didn't care about girls. 119 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:15,380 I didn't care about friends. 120 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:16,220 I didn't care about sports. 121 00:04:16,220 --> 00:04:17,680 It was like, yo, what are we doing today? 122 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:18,640 How are we gonna make that happen? 123 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:22,000 And I, off the rip, was like, I'm burglarizing cars. 124 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,160 I'm burglarizing houses. 125 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,120 I'm stealing from people who think I'm their friend 126 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,680 and helping them look for stuff like immediately. 127 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,440 You got weed, you got alcohol, you got ecstasy, 128 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,560 whatever you got, let's do it. 129 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:35,600 I'll pop three right now. 130 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,960 It's like, I would go to parties. 131 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,120 So I got a older sister, right? 132 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:40,980 And I got older cousins. 133 00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:43,000 And they would take me to parties when I was younger. 134 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,640 I would steal, I would drink, I would get loaded, 135 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,320 and I would steal alcohol back to my house. 136 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:51,800 I'm 14, 15 years old, stashing it in my closet 137 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,880 so that I could drink by myself, you know, 138 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,800 as much as I could kind of work that out, right? 139 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,560 'Cause you know, and man, it was never tight. 140 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:00,380 It was never good. 141 00:05:00,380 --> 00:05:01,220 It was never good. 142 00:05:01,220 --> 00:05:03,400 You know how in the book, Bill talks about 143 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,160 how like it ceased to be a luxury. 144 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,120 It became a necessity. 145 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,480 Mine was a necessity very quick, very quickly. 146 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:09,840 I could not not do it. 147 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,940 And by the time I'm 16 years old, 148 00:05:11,940 --> 00:05:14,940 I'm doing anything that came to the table. 149 00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:15,780 It was a wrap. 150 00:05:15,780 --> 00:05:19,760 And I was a full on drug addict, alcoholic. 151 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,000 I'm 16 years old. 152 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,840 Not a day went by when I was not doing something. 153 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,120 If I couldn't find anything, then I'm stealing something. 154 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:27,600 If I couldn't steal something, 155 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,600 I'm going through your mom's medicine kit. 156 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,280 Whatever has to happen is happening. 157 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,400 My dad, my dad, I gotta talk about my dad for a minute. 158 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,480 My dad's got 36 years of sobriety. 159 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,200 I have never seen my dad loaded. 160 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,400 He's, and he's been in it. 161 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,240 You know what I'm saying? 162 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:45,120 Like he's always been an everyday member 163 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:46,280 of Alcoholics Anonymous. 164 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:49,340 He's not the guy who, you know, gets a big beautiful life 165 00:05:49,340 --> 00:05:52,840 and visits AA once in a while to take a birthday cake 166 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:53,760 and then peaces out. 167 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,000 No, he's always had, you know, 168 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,940 sitting at my kitchen table with a big book 169 00:05:57,940 --> 00:05:59,960 and somebody who looks like they just got out of jail. 170 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,480 He's always been putting random people up on my couch, 171 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:03,440 doing a couch commitment. 172 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,520 He's always been picking me up from school 173 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:06,920 with somebody who I just met. 174 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:10,160 Like he's, I've always seen my dad going to meetings 175 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:11,480 and doing the thing. 176 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,920 And I say that to say, I hated him. 177 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:18,180 I absolutely hated my father 178 00:06:18,180 --> 00:06:20,960 and I absolutely hated my mother. 179 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,560 I didn't want to have anything to do with them 180 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,300 by the time I was 16 years old. 181 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:27,960 And, you know, I remember I hated AA too. 182 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,240 Hated Alcoholics Anonymous for a good time. 183 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:32,640 My dad asked me, he came up to me, 184 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,200 he said, "You're a jerk." 185 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,160 I said, "Absolutely." 186 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:36,240 He said, "Why do you get loaded?" 187 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,360 And I sat and I thought about it for the, for like seriously. 188 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:40,800 Like I wanted to get like an honest answer. 189 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,780 And I thought about it 'cause no one's ever asked me that. 190 00:06:42,780 --> 00:06:44,520 I answered him as honestly as I could. 191 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,300 And I said, "If I could not get loaded, 192 00:06:46,300 --> 00:06:48,880 "I would jump off a bridge or kill myself." 193 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,160 And he stopped and he said, "I get it." 194 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,600 He turned around and he walked away. 195 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:53,440 And that was it. 196 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:54,260 I didn't get in trouble. 197 00:06:54,260 --> 00:06:55,520 I didn't get the cops called on me. 198 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:56,840 I didn't get put in a therapist. 199 00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:58,200 I didn't get suicide watch. 200 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,200 I didn't get, you know, put on medication. 201 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,280 I didn't get thrown into rehab, none of that. 202 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,160 And I think about that often. 203 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:05,520 I think about that often. 204 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:08,320 And I think that is probably the single greatest gift 205 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:09,520 I've ever been given 206 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,360 because I was able to just go do my thing. 207 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,040 Anybody get in the way and hit my bottom. 208 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,920 And by the time I was 21 years old, 209 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,160 I was 140 pounds at six two. 210 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:23,200 I'm not the kind of drug addict alcoholic who has a job. 211 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:27,000 I have been, I've sold drugs and stole shit stuff 212 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:27,840 my entire life. 213 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:32,040 And I'm not the kind of alcoholic who goes to school. 214 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,600 I got kicked out of the same community college twice. 215 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,000 I am not the kind of alcoholic drug addict 216 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,880 who has a wife or children or a girlfriend. 217 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:40,880 No girls. 218 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:42,960 I'm not the kind of alcoholic drug addict 219 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:46,960 who goes to festivals and parties and balls out 220 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,720 and does like, like makes, like goes to nightclubs 221 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,800 and does all like the glamorous stuff. 222 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,280 Makes it look good like in the movies. 223 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:54,320 Nah, nah. 224 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:58,140 I had all those plans and, but I had no gas in my car. 225 00:07:58,140 --> 00:07:59,840 I had no money for the festival ticket. 226 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:00,760 There is no nightclub. 227 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,380 I live, I live, I'm homeless. 228 00:08:02,380 --> 00:08:03,600 (laughing) 229 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,880 It was never, it was never, it was never good. 230 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:06,720 It was never good. 231 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,920 And it's crazy 'cause I thought I had everything 232 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:09,760 figured out. 233 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,320 I know I'm talking way too much about the jungle log, 234 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,040 but I forget about this stuff. 235 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,080 I look back on that and it's like, dang. 236 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,240 I thought, I thought I had some stuff figured out. 237 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,200 And all I had was like this message to tell you 238 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,640 that there's these reptilian aliens on the moon 239 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,520 and they're controlling our minds and our sleep. 240 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:26,460 That's all I would do. 241 00:08:26,460 --> 00:08:28,560 I would run around and just carry this message 242 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,240 of these reptilians thinking I'm Jesus 243 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:31,880 and you guys got it messed up. 244 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,320 You guys are trapped in the matrix. 245 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:34,360 Let me save you. 246 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,120 It was, it was, it was, it was not good. 247 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,800 And over time, I wanted to die. 248 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:41,520 There was a year there where it's like I was homeless 249 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,160 and I knew when my mom would take my little brother 250 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,600 to school and I would break into her house 251 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,560 and I would steal water bottles and granola bars 252 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,720 and bananas and apples and I would scurry on back 253 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:52,200 to where I was staying at the time and I would eat 254 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,160 because when I get loaded, I live like a squirrel. 255 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,520 I live like a rodent and it's okay with, 256 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,360 that's what happens when I get, and I can't stop. 257 00:08:58,360 --> 00:08:59,720 I wanna stop, I wanna be better. 258 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:00,940 I thought I'd be better and I can't. 259 00:09:00,940 --> 00:09:03,500 And one day, it was my mom's birthday party 260 00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:06,220 and I had basically threatened to kill her 261 00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:09,520 and her best friend and her whole family and I freaked out. 262 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,560 And my dad found out about it, he wanted to talk to me. 263 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:14,000 So I'm thinking I have to go get into a fistfight 264 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,360 with my dad right now. 265 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:17,700 And my little, my older sister drives me over 266 00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:19,640 to the restaurant where we're meeting my father 267 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,400 and I sat down and I had been really trying to stop 268 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:23,220 for like a year. 269 00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:24,540 Every day, I would wake up and say, 270 00:09:24,540 --> 00:09:26,360 we're not doing this anymore. 271 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,880 I'm done for a year, every single day. 272 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,780 I could not go a day and I sat across the table from my dad 273 00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:34,120 and he looked at me and he said, what is going on with you? 274 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:35,720 You know, I've heard about what happened, 275 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:36,680 what is going on with you? 276 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,160 And I said the same thing I've been telling my dad 277 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,520 since I was 16, 17 years old. 278 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,080 Nothing, nothing, nothing's going on with me. 279 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:44,280 And he looked at my sister and he said, 280 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,480 what is going on with him? 281 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,000 And she just starts bawling, just sobbing. 282 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,720 And she tells him like, he's crazy. 283 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,040 He's carrying a gun, he's talking about these reptilians. 284 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,640 He can't, he's always getting loaded. 285 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:57,960 It's never, it's, and she was like, just sobbing. 286 00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,280 He looked at me and he says, is this true? 287 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:00,400 And I said, yes, it is. 288 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:04,600 I remember I started to cry for the first time 289 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,380 in like a decade because like I was lost. 290 00:10:07,380 --> 00:10:08,220 I was hopeless. 291 00:10:08,220 --> 00:10:09,040 I thought I was gonna die. 292 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,760 And I said, I don't know what's wrong with me. 293 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:11,600 I just want to die. 294 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,960 And he said, I think I know what's wrong with you. 295 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,400 Why don't you come stay with me for a while? 296 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:15,240 I said, okay. 297 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:18,260 So I came down to the valley and which is 400 miles away 298 00:10:18,260 --> 00:10:20,680 from my home where I was living at the time. 299 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,800 And now he brought me to meetings. 300 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:23,640 He said, okay, we're gonna do this. 301 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,480 I put his hand on my shoulder and he said, 302 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:26,320 we're gonna do this now. 303 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:27,160 You ready? 304 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,280 I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 305 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,880 So he starts taking me to the hole in the sky. 306 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,060 He takes me to the valley club and, you know, 307 00:10:33,060 --> 00:10:34,440 he's introducing me to people. 308 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,700 And I, for the first time in my entire life, 309 00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:38,920 since I was like 14 and a half, 15 years old, 310 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,040 stayed sober for a day and then another day 311 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:41,880 and then another day. 312 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:44,640 And I go into meetings all day, every day, no job, 313 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,120 no nothing, just go into meetings, right? 314 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,400 And I stayed sober for about two and a half weeks. 315 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,800 Two and a half weeks after I started drinking again. 316 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:52,960 Well, I shouldn't say that. 317 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,920 I drank again and this is good. 318 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,240 Two and a half weeks of sobriety for the first time 319 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,440 in my life and I drank again. 320 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,560 And I remember drinking and having this thought 321 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,680 like it was yesterday. 322 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:04,800 It's July 5th, 2013. 323 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,140 I'm drinking and I thought to myself, 324 00:11:07,140 --> 00:11:10,460 oh my God, I'm drinking again. 325 00:11:10,460 --> 00:11:14,000 I moved down here 400 miles away from my family 326 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,760 to not ever do this again and I'm doing it again. 327 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,960 I was going to the meetings, hey, hey, don't work. 328 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,960 I don't, I'm gonna die. 329 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,200 I'm gonna be the guy that dies in the gutter. 330 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,940 I was scared, I was terrified and I had this. 331 00:11:26,940 --> 00:11:30,320 So because my dad has been doing Alcoholics Anonymous 332 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:33,760 my whole life, I've always seen the people 333 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,320 who are 65 years old. 334 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,520 They've been coming in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous 335 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:40,480 for the last 40 years and here, 336 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:41,920 I just got my 60 day chip again. 337 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,080 Let me tell you how to do it. 338 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:44,600 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 339 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,600 And I thought, oh my God, I'm gonna be one of those people. 340 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,180 I'm gonna be one of those guys. 341 00:11:49,180 --> 00:11:50,440 If I'm lucky, I'll die. 342 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,000 God forbid I'd be one of those guys. 343 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,200 And I remember I cried myself to sleep that night 344 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,280 and I woke up the next day and it was like, 345 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:00,140 all right, we either go do what we always do 346 00:12:00,140 --> 00:12:02,960 and end up back here if we're lucky, 347 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,440 doing the stuff that got me here in the first place 348 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,040 that I moved down here to get away from 349 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,360 or we just axed that part, 350 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,280 just go straight to another meeting. 351 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:14,440 And I remember my first meeting in this sobriety date 352 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:17,280 was at the Marina Center, nude. 353 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:21,640 It was a 12 step workshop on the seventh step. 354 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,420 And I sat, if this is the podium, 355 00:12:23,420 --> 00:12:24,960 I sat right there in the corner. 356 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,980 That was July 6th, 2013. 357 00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,680 And then I went and I got lunch with my dad 358 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,680 and a couple other people and I told him I drank last night. 359 00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:32,840 And he said, okay, that's okay. 360 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:33,680 You didn't smoke any weed? 361 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:34,520 I was like, no. 362 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:35,500 He said, wow, that's impressive. 363 00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:36,340 What do we do now? 364 00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:37,400 I was like, I don't know. 365 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,220 He's like, all right, well, 366 00:12:38,220 --> 00:12:39,060 let's go to another meeting tonight. 367 00:12:39,060 --> 00:12:39,900 Do you wanna get sober? 368 00:12:39,900 --> 00:12:40,720 I was like, yeah. 369 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:41,560 He's like, you don't wanna get loaded. 370 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:42,400 I was like, no. 371 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:43,220 He's like, okay, that's what happened. 372 00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:44,480 And then I got really scared. 373 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,220 I got really scared that I was gonna get loaded again. 374 00:12:46,220 --> 00:12:47,680 So I went back to the meetings 375 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,440 and I heard everybody say all the time, 376 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:55,040 you gotta get a sponsor, you gotta do your steps. 377 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:55,880 And I would look at the steps and I never did them before. 378 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:58,240 After another two weeks, this is a true story. 379 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,820 After another two weeks of sobriety without a program, 380 00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:04,720 I was ready to rip out of my body. 381 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,920 Sunny, sober, without a program. 382 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,640 Give me two weeks, I'm ready to put my head through a wall. 383 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,720 That's just how I'm hardwired. 384 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:12,840 I don't know what it is. 385 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:13,680 Well, I guess I do. 386 00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:14,520 I'll get into that in a minute. 387 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,520 But that's how it felt. 388 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,800 And I was not doing well. 389 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,920 And I went to, I met a kid, his name was Ryan S. 390 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,200 Who is, I guess he spoke here a while ago. 391 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,960 That man was my first friend in Alcoholics Anonymous. 392 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,040 The first person that I could call a trudging buddy. 393 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,980 The first person that was able to just talk 394 00:13:31,980 --> 00:13:34,580 on the phone with me and we can relate to each other 395 00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:35,720 and we understood each other 396 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:36,880 and we could laugh with each other. 397 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:39,840 And he brought me to, we could go to other meetings together. 398 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:41,540 It was like, I was going to meetings with my dad, 399 00:13:41,540 --> 00:13:43,020 but now I have like a friend 400 00:13:43,020 --> 00:13:44,400 who's taking me to different meetings 401 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,200 and taking me to young people's meetings. 402 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,320 And I'm watching Alcoholics Anonymous 403 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,640 become so much bigger than the Valley Club 404 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:52,600 or the Marina Center. 405 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,060 And I'm watching, I'm going around, 406 00:13:54,060 --> 00:13:55,660 I'm seeing that there's people my age 407 00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:56,680 that are getting sober. 408 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,480 And then we're going to Crave and we're hanging out. 409 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:00,680 And then there's girls and there's guys. 410 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,560 And there's like, well, people are getting money. 411 00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:03,860 Like, and they relate to me. 412 00:14:03,860 --> 00:14:07,360 Like I found my people in Alcoholics Anonymous. 413 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,460 I found people that I can laugh with. 414 00:14:09,460 --> 00:14:11,680 People, 'cause I would tell a joke to my sister 415 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,920 and she'd be like, ha ha ha. 416 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:14,760 You know what I mean? 417 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,360 Like I would, I, even to this day, 418 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,200 I'll tell my older sister what I'm thinking 419 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:23,120 and she'll go, honey, oh, that's the face she gives me. 420 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,040 I'm like, you don't get it. 421 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:24,880 You don't get it. 422 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:25,700 You guys get it. 423 00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:27,280 Alcoholics Anonymous started to get it. 424 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:30,560 And I was like, I felt a little bit of relief 425 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:32,880 knowing that I was around people who I could talk to. 426 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:34,880 Ryan and I would go to Valley Club 427 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:37,200 and then we would go to some 8 p.m. meeting somewhere. 428 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,760 Then we'd go to Rapid Hall for the 10 p.m. 429 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,920 Then we'd all go to Crave until two o'clock in the morning. 430 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,800 And my dad just let me go. 431 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,040 Just let me go do that. 432 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:45,800 I didn't, you know, I didn't get any flack for that. 433 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:46,840 That was really cool. 434 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,400 I was able to just go do my thing. 435 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,260 And I'm sitting at Rapid Hall. 436 00:14:50,260 --> 00:14:51,640 I remember where I was too. 437 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,440 Not this Rapid Hall, the old Rapid Hall. 438 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,700 And from the podium, I'm in the corner underneath, 439 00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:57,980 but next to that white piano. 440 00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:00,280 If any of you guys remember with that big picture of Bill W. 441 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,080 And it's to my left. 442 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,660 I'm looking at the podium and I'm going out of my mind. 443 00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:09,560 I'm ready to just like, I was doing, I would do weird stuff. 444 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,460 I'd like hit myself in the face just to like feel something. 445 00:15:12,460 --> 00:15:14,000 I would put holes in walls. 446 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:14,960 I would get mad. 447 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,000 And I would like, I remember I got mad 448 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,400 and I kicked my driver's side door to my car. 449 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:21,760 And it's where you couldn't open it right. 450 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,360 Just kick, just getting it in. 451 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,000 I was like, I was like, I get off on rage. 452 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,160 It's all bad. 453 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,560 And I'm sitting there and I heard this guy say, 454 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,680 "If you want to feel better, do your steps." 455 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,520 He said it loud like that. 456 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,200 "If you want to feel better, do your steps." 457 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:37,760 And I was like, next day I got a sponsor. 458 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,080 His name was Alex W. 459 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,360 And that man, I made a decision right there. 460 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,200 I'm going to do whatever he tells me to do. 461 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,160 And by God, this better work. 462 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,360 And he said, "Okay, man, yeah, get a big book, 463 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,240 "get it 12 and 12, get a spiral notebook, 464 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,280 "a pen, a highlighter, call me every day, 465 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:52,420 "go to a meeting every day 466 00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:54,400 "and meet me on this day at that time." 467 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:55,240 I said, "Okay." 468 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:56,800 He said, "Oh, one more thing, two more things. 469 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:57,780 "Don't lie to me. 470 00:15:57,780 --> 00:15:58,860 "And if you want to drink, 471 00:15:58,860 --> 00:16:01,060 "call me before you take the first one. 472 00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:02,980 "If you call me after, I'm going to hang up the phone." 473 00:16:02,980 --> 00:16:03,820 Okay, cool. 474 00:16:03,820 --> 00:16:05,280 And I proceeded to do exactly that. 475 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:06,120 He told me what to read. 476 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:06,960 He told me what to write. 477 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,880 And by the time I had four months of sobriety, 478 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:09,800 I was on my ninth step. 479 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:15,780 And I was trying to repair the damage I had done in my past and my experience with the third step is, 480 00:16:15,780 --> 00:16:19,200 I tried to pray and I tried to pray. 481 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,200 I tried to pray. 482 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,280 And I heard my dad actually at the Valley Club say, 483 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:26,080 sometimes, I couldn't get behind the God thing, 484 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,560 but I could make a decision to turn my will in my life 485 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,280 over the care of my sponsor in the beginning, 486 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,360 and then it can grow from there. 487 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:32,640 And that's what I was able to do 488 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:36,520 because I hated the idea of God when I got here, all bad. 489 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:38,720 I would take acid and worship Satan. 490 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:39,600 That's the guy I was. 491 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,200 In the middle of nowhere by myself. 492 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,040 I'll get into that another time. 493 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:43,360 That's not true. 494 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:46,400 Anyway, but I could get behind the idea of just falling in line 495 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,520 and following my sponsor 496 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:50,620 because this guy had four years of sobriety at the time. 497 00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:51,460 And just like you, 498 00:16:51,460 --> 00:16:53,080 he spoke like he knew what he was talking about. 499 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,120 He carried himself in a way where it was like, 500 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,160 and then he would describe his story and it's like, 501 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,680 "There's no way you guys are the same person." 502 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,560 And he would quote the book with confidence. 503 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:02,820 And I could tell, you know, 504 00:17:02,820 --> 00:17:04,120 with the way that he was telling me, 505 00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:05,640 he was, I could see it in his eyes. 506 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:06,600 He was genuine. 507 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:07,640 He was authentic. 508 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:08,480 And I appreciated that. 509 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:09,360 He was honest with me. 510 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:10,320 And he never judged me. 511 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,840 And that man took me through my steps. 512 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:15,000 And he taught me, you know, 513 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,680 I remember doing my fourth step. 514 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,220 He gave me a week to do my fourth step. 515 00:17:18,220 --> 00:17:19,440 And I waited until the last day. 516 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,280 I sat down and I cracked it out in three hours. 517 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:23,320 And it was thorough. 518 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,360 30 names, boom, everything. 519 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:26,180 There it is. 520 00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:27,020 And he met with me. 521 00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:27,880 He taught me how to surf. 522 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,600 I didn't know I liked to surf until I got sober. 523 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:31,440 He taught me how to surf and I fell in love with it. 524 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,880 And every Saturday, he and I, 525 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:33,760 he would take me surfing. 526 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,640 And after that, we would go over my fifth step for an hour. 527 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,560 And I remember I was doing my, 528 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,320 I remember I did my first, my second, my third, 529 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:43,260 my fourth resentment. 530 00:17:43,260 --> 00:17:45,760 My third resentment was like my five-year-old 531 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:46,880 little brother at the time. 532 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:48,800 Like, who gets resentful at a five, 533 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,440 what 21-year-old man is resentful 534 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:51,920 at a five-year-old little brother? 535 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:55,800 And it was like, I could be mad at everything, 536 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,400 at everyone and everything, easy. 537 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,040 It's how I've ran my entire life. 538 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,800 And I remember we were at the Panera Bread one day 539 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,360 after a new meeting at the Valley Club. 540 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,600 We're at the Panera Bread and I'm going over 541 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,560 my sister, my little sister, who, I mean, 542 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,480 my siblings did nothing but love me to death, love me. 543 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:12,600 They would follow me around. 544 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:13,600 I'd be like, "Go away!" 545 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,160 And they would just follow me around. 546 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,440 And I remember I went over whatever resentment I had 547 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,800 against like my 11-year-old sister at the time. 548 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,960 And I don't remember what it was, 549 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,800 but I remember I said something and he said something. 550 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,540 And whatever he said struck me in such a way 551 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,380 that whatever was right here, 552 00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:31,400 it felt like something cracked open 553 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,280 and lifted right out of me, right there in the Panera Bread. 554 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,400 I remember where we were sitting. 555 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:36,840 I remember what time it was. 556 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,720 I remember that I was brought to a state of presence 557 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,500 that I had never felt before, 558 00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,000 except when I was getting loaded. 559 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,080 But this time it was without having to get loaded. 560 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,240 I will never forget that day. 561 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:51,720 That day, the idea of Alcoholics Anonymous changed. 562 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:53,040 My life changed that day. 563 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,400 And my idea of God changed that day. 564 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,520 And I fell in love with Alcoholics Anonymous, man. 565 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:02,160 I proceeded to get straight A's in Alcoholics Anonymous. 566 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,000 No lie. 567 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:03,840 You want a commitment? 568 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:04,800 I got a commitment. 569 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,220 I'm mopping the floors and cleaning the bathroom 570 00:19:07,220 --> 00:19:10,640 and at the Valley Club, I'm behind the coffee bar. 571 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:15,580 I'm secretary of a Wednesday, 3 p.m., a noon meeting. 572 00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:18,000 And I'm starting to study the traditions. 573 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,520 And my sponsor told, you know, 574 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,080 and then I went and I started to make my amends 575 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,120 and I started to get an idea 576 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,400 of what my defects of character were. 577 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,940 And I started to go repair the damage 578 00:19:26,940 --> 00:19:28,360 that I've caused in my life, 579 00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:30,400 where I could look back at the person in the mirror 580 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:35,200 and be okay with him because he is trying. 581 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,000 He understood that he's done enough. 582 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,680 He's done enough of all that stuff. 583 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,000 Let's be somebody different now 584 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,040 'cause none of that worked. 585 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,440 And I proceeded to be somebody different. 586 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:43,800 My sponsor taught me that, 587 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,360 he told me the only reason 588 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,440 I'm taking you through the steps, Sonny, 589 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,400 it's not for me, it's not for you, 590 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,120 it's for the guy that you're gonna go help after this. 591 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:55,420 You need to always be in the book with somebody, 592 00:19:55,420 --> 00:19:56,640 starting today. 593 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,400 You need to always be in the book with somebody. 594 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,920 And if you're not, you need to be actively going to meetings 595 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,880 trying to find somebody to be in the book with. 596 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:03,920 I was like, damn, really? 597 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:04,760 He's like, yeah. 598 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,640 And then he told me you gotta always have two commitments. 599 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,560 I always, I messed that one up. 600 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:11,320 And he said, and he said, yeah, 601 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:13,360 I need to go to at least four or five meetings a week 602 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:14,720 for the remainder of your sobriety. 603 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:15,540 And I said, okay. 604 00:20:15,540 --> 00:20:18,640 And I proceeded to evangelize people. 605 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,640 I would carry my big book everywhere I went 606 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,440 and I would go to all these different meetings 607 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,480 and I'm just trying, I'm like aggressive with it. 608 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,080 Like I'm trying to sponsor people like my life, 609 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,960 dependent on it because at that point I was, 610 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,560 I mean, and now, even now today, 611 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,720 from the moment I had four or five months of sobriety, 612 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,360 I was convinced that my life depends on me 613 00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,920 reading the big book with somebody else. 614 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:38,600 To this day, I'm absolutely convinced that that is true. 615 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:39,960 In fact, I'm gonna tell you something. 616 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,160 I'm just telling you, I got nine minutes. 617 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:42,000 Let me tell you this. 618 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,720 Life happens, I get time sober. 619 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,460 I'm gonna go look at you guys and talk. 620 00:20:45,460 --> 00:20:46,960 The scariest thing for me was like, 621 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:47,800 while I was getting loaded, 622 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,920 was like walking into a Starbucks and like placing an order 623 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,040 and standing there waiting for my coffee to be ready. 624 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:54,960 It was like, it was the scariest thing. 625 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:58,240 That was just, I'm dangerously antisocial for real. 626 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,640 And you know, I got, I get sober 627 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,400 and they told me, you know, you're young, man. 628 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,640 Why don't you go back to school? 629 00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:04,480 I said, okay. 630 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,720 So I started going to Pierce College. 631 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:06,700 They said, you're young, man. 632 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:07,540 You got any money? 633 00:21:07,540 --> 00:21:08,360 Why don't you get a job? 634 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:11,400 So I went onto my uncle's computer 635 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,120 and I typed in jobs in Woodland Hills 636 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:16,140 and it came up like one of this, 637 00:21:16,140 --> 00:21:18,640 one of those work development department things popped up 638 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,320 and they're like, you had an interview for Joanne Fabrics 639 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,480 at, you know, 9 a.m. at the work developments 640 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:24,320 at the employment center. 641 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:25,480 And I went in there and I got a job 642 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,060 at Joanne Fabrics and Crafts. 643 00:21:27,060 --> 00:21:29,240 It was the one on Fallbrook and Victory. 644 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:30,280 That was my first job. 645 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,000 My first like big boy job ever. 646 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,800 First like honest dollar, pretty much. 647 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,720 I had a sales job, but that wasn't really that honest either. 648 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,800 But this is like my first honest dollar made. 649 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,320 And I loved it. 650 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:41,240 I loved it. 651 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:43,840 And I was starting to, you know, talk to girls 652 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,040 and just like my life started to open up 653 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,800 in Alcoholics Anonymous for real. 654 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,000 And I worked that job for two and a half years 655 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,600 and I graduated Pierce College and I transferred to CSUN. 656 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,360 I ended up getting a job. 657 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:57,940 I had leveraged my experience working with Fabrics 658 00:21:57,940 --> 00:22:00,820 at Joanne Fabrics into a job selling suits 659 00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,320 because I know about fabric. 660 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:03,800 I started wearing a suit to work. 661 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,040 I started selling suits, making a little bit more money. 662 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,520 I ended up getting a room for rent. 663 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,200 I was with my dad for the first two years. 664 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,640 I ended up getting a room for rent over by CSUN. 665 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,540 And I started going to school at CSUN. 666 00:22:15,540 --> 00:22:16,520 I got a girlfriend. 667 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:18,760 She was beautiful. 668 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:21,040 And I should say this too, you know, 669 00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,960 when I had a year and a half of sobriety, 670 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,000 my cousin, Matthew, that I mentioned in the beginning, 671 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,160 who was like my dog, you know, I remember, you know, 672 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:31,040 he got sober or I got sober and I wanted him to get sober. 673 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,000 And, you know, he would call me drunk 674 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,920 and he would want to get sober, just couldn't do it. 675 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:38,940 And, you know, one day it was five o'clock in the morning 676 00:22:38,940 --> 00:22:41,280 and my dad came in and Matthew was drinking 677 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,760 and he passed out on his back and he threw up in his sleep 678 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,080 and he asphyxiated and he died at 21 years old. 679 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:48,220 I was 22 at the time. 680 00:22:48,220 --> 00:22:50,600 And I remember when, you know, I remember when it happened, 681 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,800 it like shook me and I started to realize that like, 682 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,540 that's what I deal with. 683 00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:56,960 I have alcoholism. 684 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,600 I have something inside of me, that thing, 685 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,560 it's uncomfortable by default. 686 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:05,200 That thing makes it okay in my brain 687 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,320 to take the first drink. 688 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,040 And I have an allergic reaction when I take the first drink. 689 00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:11,080 I'll probably drink myself today. 690 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:14,120 I'm that guy, I'll blow my brains out, totally that guy. 691 00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:14,960 And he died. 692 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:18,020 And two weeks later after he died, my uncle, 693 00:23:18,020 --> 00:23:22,240 who was also one of us, died as well, overdosed on heroin. 694 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,560 And I started to see that like what I'm dealing with, 695 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:25,760 like people are dying. 696 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,080 And, you know, I saw people, 697 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:28,400 'cause my dad's been all around it. 698 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,160 So I've always seen people dying, 699 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:31,840 but never nobody like actually like, 700 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,800 like I felt I was close to. 701 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,720 That changed, that changed me. 702 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:38,840 That was like, this became very, very serious business 703 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:40,440 after that, for real. 704 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,000 I started to, I was big in H&I, 705 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,800 doing the whole panel thing and so, yeah. 706 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,500 So I go to CSUN and I'm doing the whole CSUN thing. 707 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:49,220 And that girl and I ended up getting an apartment 708 00:23:49,220 --> 00:23:52,120 in Van Nuys and then I got a resentment at my dad. 709 00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:53,020 So I stopped going to meetings 710 00:23:53,020 --> 00:23:53,920 where he was going to meetings 711 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,440 and I started doing the Pacific group thing. 712 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,560 And I did PG for a year, solid. 713 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,120 I had a PG sponsor, I had a PG commitment at the big meeting. 714 00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:03,400 I was going to PG fellowship and I ended the PG play, 715 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:04,840 like I was a PG guy. 716 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,040 And then me and my dad ended our relationship 717 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:08,640 after like a year and I was like, all right, peace. 718 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:09,480 I'm going back. 719 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:15,040 They ended up opening up the table over there in 2019. 720 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:16,880 And me and that girl got a different apartment 721 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:20,000 and COVID happened, shut everything down. 722 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:24,080 I hid away in my room, doing Zoom meetings for like a month 723 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:25,880 and then realized that I'm going to drink 724 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,140 if I don't start going to meetings 725 00:24:27,140 --> 00:24:28,660 and I started going to the table. 726 00:24:28,660 --> 00:24:31,000 And the table never closed during COVID. 727 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,440 They kept it open and a lot of the people, 728 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:35,920 a lot of people's lives got saved through the table 729 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,160 during COVID because they had no place to go. 730 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:39,480 And that's my home group. 731 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,040 And then what happened? 732 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:44,200 And then me and that girl got another apartment, cool. 733 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,360 Me and that girl in another apartment. 734 00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:48,240 And then shortly after that, she dumped me. 735 00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:50,280 And I had to move out of that apartment. 736 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:51,880 She kept the apartment, she kept the dog, 737 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,680 she kept, you know, everything. 738 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,820 And I had to go back to my dad's house. 739 00:24:55,820 --> 00:24:57,320 I got nine years of sobriety. 740 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,320 I'm living out of a duffel bag as a 30 year old man. 741 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:02,640 And I'm just broken. 742 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,520 I'm just broken, I'm broken. 743 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:07,240 And yeah, she started showing up to my meeting hall 744 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,560 with a new dude, like a week after. 745 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:10,760 And I'm just hearing about it. 746 00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:13,680 It was like, we love when I have a visitor experience. 747 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:15,920 That's, we love when that, that was awesome. 748 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,160 That was a great experience. 749 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:22,760 And then I was dying, I was dying. 750 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,320 And I started to, you know, I always sponsored people. 751 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,000 I always did AA and I always, you know, 752 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,840 got straight A's in Alcoholics Anonymous. 753 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,840 But you know, my relationship with God diminished 754 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:33,620 as time went on, you know. 755 00:25:33,620 --> 00:25:36,960 I used Alcoholics Anonymous and the step work 756 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:40,160 to inflate my ego and it distanced me from God 757 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,160 as opposed to doing what we're supposed to do, 758 00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,160 which is, you know, close that gap. 759 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,800 And I was blocked from God and I was trying to do three, 760 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,640 I was trying to fill this spiritual sickness that I have 761 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,320 with three dimensional things, 762 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,920 everything other than drinking and doing drugs. 763 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:57,440 And by the end of it, I wanted to blow my brains out. 764 00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:00,560 And long story short, a miracle happened to me 765 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,880 where God made his presence felt in my life. 766 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,120 When I had 10 years of sobriety a year ago, 767 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:06,760 a year and a half ago, something happened to me. 768 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:08,400 I was traveling, I was in Egypt. 769 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:09,280 And that's another thing. 770 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:12,000 Like I ended up getting a bachelor's degree from CSUN. 771 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,200 I ended up getting a way better job. 772 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:15,880 I ended up getting massively depressed 773 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:18,320 when I was with that girl, racking up like 10s of thousands 774 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:19,360 of dollars in credit card debt, 775 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,720 getting a really good job, paying it all off. 776 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:25,720 I've been to like 10 countries since I've been sober. 777 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:27,200 I've traveled all over the world. 778 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:29,220 I've met all kinds of people. 779 00:26:29,220 --> 00:26:31,520 I got 400 people in my phone I can call right now 780 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:32,800 and they'd be happy to help me. 781 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,700 I got like, my life is brand new. 782 00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:37,360 It's the stuff that I used to dream about 783 00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:38,260 when I was getting loaded. 784 00:26:38,260 --> 00:26:42,280 I look back on that old person when I'm sharing like this. 785 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,960 And like that's, I heard this lady last night 786 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:45,800 share my meeting. 787 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:49,200 She's like, yo, if my current me could meet my old me, 788 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,080 my old me would probably beat me up. 789 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:52,800 Like I wouldn't want to bring that person 790 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:54,500 anywhere around my life today. 791 00:26:54,500 --> 00:26:56,080 And honestly, I wasn't really that violent. 792 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:59,600 I was just really, really scared and pathetic and sad. 793 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:01,560 And like, I was just wounded, man. 794 00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:03,640 And so what I want to say, I want to say that, 795 00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:05,760 something happened to me when I had 10 years of sobriety 796 00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:09,280 where my relationship with God changed completely. 797 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:12,160 I was on my knees crying in a mosque in Egypt. 798 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,640 I'm not gonna, I can't really describe what happened, 799 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,080 but God made his presence felt to Sonny that day. 800 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,560 And when I stood up, I left the old Sonny right there 801 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:22,240 on the floor of that mosque and every single day since 802 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,200 has been completely different. 803 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:25,140 That was a year and a half ago. 804 00:27:25,140 --> 00:27:27,520 My understanding of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, 805 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:28,800 completely different. 806 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:30,120 I started to realize that they say, 807 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:32,320 when we ask God to remove our fears, 808 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,720 we ask God to help us see them as a sick person. 809 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:36,960 When we ask God to remove our defensive character, 810 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:39,360 when we ask God to help us abandon ourselves 811 00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:41,840 utterly to him, that started to make sense. 812 00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:45,480 And I started to see the evidence of that prayer 813 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:49,160 to where my faith in it grew and grew and grew and grew. 814 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,320 So now when I carry that message and I read with people 815 00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:52,160 or people call me, it's like, 816 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,920 yo, what does the big book say to do? 817 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:54,760 Did you do that? 818 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:58,220 And I can, I can, I can be a better, I can, I can, 819 00:27:58,220 --> 00:28:00,920 I have grown in effectiveness and understanding 820 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,520 and carrying the message of Alcoholics Anonymous 821 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:04,520 in the last year and a half. 822 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:05,360 By far. 823 00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:06,800 Um, I have one minute left. 824 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:07,840 I don't know. 825 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:09,560 I can say, I'll tell you this. 826 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,720 I share a house with a few sober people. 827 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:12,720 I love where I live. 828 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:13,780 For the first time in my life, 829 00:28:13,780 --> 00:28:15,760 I don't feel like I have to have a female. 830 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:17,240 I used to like feel like, 831 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:19,240 like I need a female, like a life preserver. 832 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,300 Like if I don't have a female, I'm doing something wrong. 833 00:28:21,300 --> 00:28:22,140 I'm not good enough. 834 00:28:22,140 --> 00:28:22,980 I don't feel like that. 835 00:28:22,980 --> 00:28:23,820 Cool. 836 00:28:23,820 --> 00:28:24,640 I'm good on that. 837 00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:26,200 I'm 32 years old now. 838 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:29,560 I just got fired from a really good job like two months ago 839 00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:31,360 because my boss wanted to sleep with me. 840 00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:33,540 And when I turned down her advances, she fired me. 841 00:28:33,540 --> 00:28:35,080 We love when that happens. 842 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:40,080 And like you said, you know, like you said, 843 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:43,000 it's all good 'cause I have a God. 844 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,800 I have an all powerful, all knowing heavenly father, 845 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:50,320 the most high God, the creator of all things who loves me. 846 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:51,960 What can I possibly trip on? 847 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:52,800 I'm good. 848 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:53,620 How can I help you? 849 00:28:53,620 --> 00:28:54,640 That's how I live my life today. 850 00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:56,160 I got a roommate who's in the hospital right now. 851 00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:58,080 And I'm gonna say this, not to brag or boast, 852 00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:01,440 but I'm gonna say this to share about 853 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,480 what an example of Alcoholics Anonymous is. 854 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:05,480 That man called me at five o'clock in the morning, 855 00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:06,680 three days ago. 856 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:10,120 I was able to wake up and take him to the ER. 857 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:12,520 Alcoholics Anonymous taught me to show up. 858 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:14,640 Alcoholics Anonymous taught me to be of service. 859 00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:17,200 Alcoholics Anonymous taught me to stay there. 860 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:19,160 And people like my dad showed me 861 00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:21,080 how to shoot up and show up. 862 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,440 And I was able to stay there with him all day 863 00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:25,120 and argue with these doctors, man. 864 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:26,800 And make sure he's good. 865 00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:27,640 I was able to, you know, 866 00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:31,560 Alcoholics Anonymous taught me how to sleep at a hospital 867 00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,200 with people that need it, whose family's out of town. 868 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:35,120 They don't have anybody. 869 00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:36,540 Alcoholics Anonymous taught me to show up 870 00:29:36,540 --> 00:29:38,400 for my commitment on a Friday night. 871 00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:40,640 So I left the hospital to go to my commitment. 872 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:42,060 Somebody else called me needing help. 873 00:29:42,060 --> 00:29:44,440 I'm like really effective with people who have like four, 874 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:46,920 five, six, seven years who wanna kill themselves. 875 00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:47,760 I'm your guy. 876 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:50,080 Like I'm, let me talk to you. 877 00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:50,920 You know what I mean? 878 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:52,240 Give me six hours, I got you. 879 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:54,580 I just basically do like one long test step. 880 00:29:54,580 --> 00:29:56,240 That's pretty much all of the steps. 881 00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,160 And by the time they leave me, they got a nine step. 882 00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:00,620 Once you finish that, you're gonna be good, trust. 883 00:30:00,620 --> 00:30:04,140 But I remember, so last night I get that call 884 00:30:04,140 --> 00:30:07,060 and I'm taking somebody through the steps 885 00:30:07,060 --> 00:30:08,960 in the hospital parking lot, 886 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,880 while I'm about to go sleep in the hospital with my friend. 887 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:13,440 That is Alcoholics Anonymous. 888 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:14,440 That is not Sonny. 889 00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:15,400 That is not me. 890 00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:18,440 I'm in a hole somewhere drinking myself to death. 891 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:19,440 I'll say this and I'll shut up. 892 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:20,760 Matthew, when he died, 893 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:22,400 his little sister was starting to smoke weed. 894 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:23,240 And I showed her, yo, 895 00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:25,160 here's a big book about Alcoholics Anonymous, man. 896 00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:25,980 Take it. 897 00:30:25,980 --> 00:30:27,320 If you ever wanna stop, you ever need any help, 898 00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:28,480 hit me up, I'm yours. 899 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:30,120 Yeah, we buried her last year too. 900 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:31,240 22, single mama. 901 00:30:31,240 --> 00:30:32,600 No, not single mama, two kids. 902 00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,040 And that, I mean, we laugh, 903 00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:36,400 but my life is my stake in Alcoholics Anonymous. 904 00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:37,600 My dad says that all the time 905 00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:40,320 and I'm like really finally starting to understand 906 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:42,800 that like, could there be a higher calling? 907 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:43,860 Sometimes I get embarrassed. 908 00:30:43,860 --> 00:30:45,000 You're gonna tell me my time's up, right? 909 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:45,840 Is it up? 910 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:46,680 - Yeah, it's up. 911 00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:47,520 - You got my, I got, 912 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:48,560 you're not showing me on the light, dog. 913 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:49,920 You told me you'd show me with the light. 914 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:51,360 I had this one minute green light 915 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:52,920 over the last five minutes, I'm sorry. 916 00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:54,420 But I'll say this and I'll stop. 917 00:30:54,420 --> 00:30:55,260 I just, yeah. 918 00:30:55,260 --> 00:30:56,360 Could there be a higher calling? 919 00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:59,000 I love Alcoholics Anonymous, thanks for having me come out.