1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,360 - Good evening, my name's Brent. 2 00:00:01,360 --> 00:00:02,280 I'm an alcoholic. 3 00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:04,580 Thank you for inviting me out here, man. 4 00:00:04,580 --> 00:00:07,600 I always take it a huge honor and privilege 5 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:09,440 when anyone asks me to share my experience, 6 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:10,280 strength, and hope. 7 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:14,640 I have a sobriety date of August 27th, 1996. 8 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:15,720 I have a sponsor, 9 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:18,120 and I've been blessed to have him this entire road. 10 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:21,360 And to me, having a sponsor is extremely important 11 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:24,160 'cause for me, it doesn't matter whether I have six days, 12 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,660 six weeks, six months, six years. 13 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,360 I still got the committee that talks to me 14 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:29,240 up here in my head, 15 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:31,520 and I've gotta have somebody that I can bounce things off of 16 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,560 'cause if I start running the show myself again, 17 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:36,360 I'll run my life right off in the ditch. 18 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:38,680 I have a home group, which is extremely important, 19 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:41,400 a specific group in LA that holds me accountable 20 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,840 somewhere I have to be at least once a week and be there, 21 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,360 and people will hold me accountable. 22 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:47,480 I'll tell you a little bit about who I was, 23 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:50,200 what happened to me 'cause of the disease of alcoholism, 24 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,520 where I am today because of this program of AA 25 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,480 and the fellowship in these rooms. 26 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:58,560 I grew up in Southwest Missouri on an Angus beef farm 27 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,440 in the middle of nowhere. 28 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:04,280 And I'll tell you, I hated every minute of my childhood. 29 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,140 I had no brothers, no sisters. 30 00:01:06,140 --> 00:01:08,040 Now, a lot of people's automatically gonna say 31 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:09,840 you're just the only child, you were spoiled, 32 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:12,760 you had everything, you didn't have any hand-me-downs. 33 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:15,360 That's probably true, but on the flip side, 34 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:16,800 when the chores didn't get done, 35 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,040 I didn't have a brother or sister to blame it on. 36 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:20,140 When something got broke, 37 00:01:20,140 --> 00:01:21,880 I didn't have anybody else to blame it on, 38 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,160 so there's pros and cons to being the only child. 39 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:27,320 Growing up in my family, alcoholism ran pretty rampant. 40 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,360 Neither one of my grandfathers ever saw the age of 60, 41 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:32,480 and my uncle died at the age of 42. 42 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,360 Now, that's not the reason I'm an alcoholic, 43 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:36,120 but it was very rampant in my family. 44 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,520 I took my first drink when I was nine. 45 00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:40,360 The reason I did that was real simple. 46 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,960 Even the first couple years I was in school, 47 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,280 I just never fit in. 48 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,640 I was at school, I couldn't talk to other kids, 49 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,920 I couldn't socialize with other kids, 50 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:50,960 I just felt so uncomfortable. 51 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,520 And I'd be around on the weekends or on the holidays, 52 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,920 and I'd see my uncles and my grandparents 53 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:57,440 and everyone sitting there drinking, 54 00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,680 and I noticed after about two or three drinks, 55 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:02,840 they all started laughing, they all started carrying it on. 56 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,040 So that summer, I realized when I was told 57 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,080 to go get a beer or two and bring 'em back, 58 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,760 if there's anything left, I took a couple sips, 59 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:11,960 or I'd take a couple sips on the way back out there 60 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,400 to give it to 'em before that afternoon was over, 61 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,480 I realized that when I had that alcohol in me, 62 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:18,680 I felt different. 63 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,480 And that's what I wanted as a kid, 64 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:21,920 I wanted to feel different. 65 00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:26,120 I didn't like being me, I didn't like being in my own skin. 66 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,400 I wanted to be someone different. 67 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:31,840 And I realized that that happened when I drank. 68 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:33,840 I didn't start drinking on a regular basis then, 69 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,160 but I knew then the seed was planted 70 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,200 that if I could put enough of that in my body, 71 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,320 I was a different person. 72 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:41,840 Growing up in a small town, didn't have a lot of friends, 73 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:42,960 didn't have a lot of things, 74 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,040 I idolized my father on that farm. 75 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,400 Everything I did, I did for my dad. 76 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,280 I want him to give me that pat on the back, 77 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,000 I want him to tell me that he loved me, 78 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,440 I want him to tell me that he was proud of me, 79 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,960 and that just really wasn't the type of man my dad was. 80 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,640 It was just one way to do things and you did it his way. 81 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,440 I'd bring a B home from school, 82 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:01,880 he wanted to know why it wasn't an A. 83 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,560 Brought an A home from school, 84 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,240 he said that's the reason you go to school. 85 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,680 Well in that small town, everything revolved around sports. 86 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,640 I guess maybe I was better than average 87 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:13,560 because they always moved me up to play with the older guys. 88 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,240 Well I didn't fit in with kids my own age, 89 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:16,800 I sure didn't fit in with older guys, 90 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:20,240 so their drinking was escalating more than mine was, 91 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:23,200 so I had to ramp it up and I had to start drinking 92 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:25,320 so I could fit in with them and be accepted. 93 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,440 By the time I was 16 years old, 94 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,800 my drinking was getting a little bit out of control 95 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,120 and there was five carloads of us 96 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,480 that came back from a float trip 97 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,160 and the lead car had a wreck 98 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:36,600 and one of the girls was killed. 99 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,320 Her parents and mine had known each other 100 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,000 before Joe was even born 101 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,280 and they asked me to be one of the pallbearers. 102 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:43,640 The morning of the funeral, 103 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,680 I did like I was doing most things in my life. 104 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,400 That time I got drunk if I was gonna do something. 105 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,280 In the day of the funeral I was drunk, 106 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,280 I stumbled carrying the casket 107 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,720 and I made a real fool out of myself. 108 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:55,880 And that was the first time 109 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:58,120 people really physically addressed me and said, 110 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,560 "You know Brent, you need to slow down on your drinking." 111 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,000 My attitude to them was just leave me alone, 112 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,000 I'm living life, I'm doing fine. 113 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,600 When I was a junior in high school, 114 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,160 that little town we probably had 115 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,000 one of the better ball teams we'd ever had. 116 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,200 We ended up going to the quarter finals of the state, 117 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:13,760 we ended up losing. 118 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,240 I played a really good game, 119 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:16,480 probably the best I'd ever played 120 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,560 in my entire high school career even to now. 121 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,880 And I knew that my dad was gonna be proud of me, 122 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,000 even though we lost. 123 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,160 I got home and the only thing my dad could do 124 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,480 was tell me what I did wrong in the second half 125 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,920 and if I'd have done this and if I'd have done that, 126 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:31,320 we would have ended up winning. 127 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,120 So by the time I was a senior, 128 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:34,600 my drinking was escalating, 129 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,080 I was drinking pretty much any time 130 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:37,360 I could get a hold of anything. 131 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,080 And I figured I'd graduate high school 132 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,640 and be like everybody else in that little hometown. 133 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,240 You end up probably marrying your high school sweetheart, 134 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,760 you get a home, you get an apartment, you get a job, 135 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,960 you raise a family, you live there, you die there, 136 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,880 it's pretty much what everyone does. 137 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,320 Well, my dad had other plans, 138 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:53,640 he wanted me to go to college. 139 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,200 So that entire summer after high school, 140 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,280 I was stuck on the farm while all my buddies 141 00:04:58,280 --> 00:04:59,840 were getting their own place, 142 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:02,960 living their lives, moving forward and I was stuck there. 143 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,320 I loaded up and I went to college that fall 144 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:09,920 and on day three, I realized I might have fell into paradise. 145 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,600 I joined a fraternity, alcohol flowing 24 hours a day, 146 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,720 seven days a week and I had found my people. 147 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,640 I mean, I was in heaven. 148 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,920 Everything I did revolved around drinking 149 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,120 and it just absolutely exploded. 150 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,000 I started drinking on a regular basis, 151 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,720 I drank every single day, I got drunk every single night, 152 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,280 but it was that same scenario with my dad. 153 00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:33,080 I would bring a B home from school, 154 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,880 he wanted to know why it wasn't an A. 155 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,040 If I brought an A home, he said, 156 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:37,800 "That's the reason I sent you to college." 157 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,080 My drinking got so bad when I was in college 158 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:41,800 that I started losing friends. 159 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,840 People didn't wanna get in the car with me. 160 00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,000 I drove too fast, I drove stupid, 161 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,800 no one wanted to hang around me. 162 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:50,520 My attitude with girls was real simple. 163 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,320 You like to drink, you like to party, we hung out. 164 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,000 You didn't, I found somebody else who did 165 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,040 and that's just how I cycled through college. 166 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,560 Don't know how I did it, somehow I made it through, 167 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,000 I graduated, I got my degree, I got a job, 168 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,800 I moved out my own place, I was living life, 169 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,480 I thought I was doing great, 170 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,960 but no one wanted to be around me. 171 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,680 I was losing friends, no one wanted to associate with me, 172 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,400 no one wanted to be there. 173 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,200 Couple years after I was out, my mom gave me a call 174 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:20,880 and said that dad's getting older, 175 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,720 having some issues on the farm, 176 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,680 is there any way you can come home and help out? 177 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,840 So I made arrangements at work, I took a week off, 178 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,320 came home on a Sunday afternoon, Monday morning, 179 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,960 one of the first things he wanted done 180 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,760 was he wanted part of the barn painted. 181 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,640 So I grabbed my six-pack of Budweiser, 182 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,320 I headed out Monday morning to paint that part of the barn. 183 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,440 He had all this paint lined up in the corner, 184 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,560 I said well that's absolutely ridiculous, 185 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:45,160 do not need all that paint to do the job, 186 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:47,800 I'll use part of the paint, get the job done, 187 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,960 save him some money and we'll get the week started off 188 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,760 on the right foot, so that's what I did. 189 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,560 He came out that afternoon, he said, 190 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,240 didn't tell me I did a good job, 191 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,720 he didn't say I did a bad job, 192 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,760 he just wanted to know why I didn't use all the paint 193 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:00,440 and there was some leftover in the corner. 194 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:01,920 I said I didn't need all the paint, 195 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,920 got the job done, saved you some money. 196 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:06,320 Said if I wanted to save the money, I wouldn't bought it. 197 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:09,840 You might save 25 years of me trying to get his approval, 198 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,600 trying to get that pat on the back, 199 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,280 all come to a head that day. 200 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:16,000 Now I'll be the first person to tell anyone, 201 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,560 for a long time in my life, alcohol worked. 202 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,520 It quieted the voices in there, 203 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,920 it filled up that hole I had in here, 204 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:26,320 it suppressed the fears, it suppressed everything 205 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,440 that I lived my whole life in fear, 206 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,240 worried about what everyone thought about me, 207 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,640 worried about what my dad was thinking about me, 208 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:34,440 that alcohol had quit working. 209 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,680 It was no longer quieting those voices 210 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,560 and it was no longer filling that hole up 211 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,920 and everything come to a head that day with my father. 212 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,360 We proceeded to get into a heated argument 213 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:44,960 and I murdered him that afternoon. 214 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,680 I'll never know what I did to my mother. 215 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,960 That lady stood beside me from day one, 216 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,440 hour one, second one. 217 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:53,440 She bailed me out and I've had people ask me over the years, 218 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,600 they said man, that must have been your rock bottom. 219 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,680 Well, unfortunately for this alcoholic, it wasn't. 220 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,360 I have a ways to go and for those next 10 months, 221 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:01,680 my life got real dark. 222 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,160 I drank in the morning, I drank in the afternoon, 223 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:05,360 I drank in the evening. 224 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,960 If I had waked up at 2 a.m., I would drink some more 225 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,120 so I could pass out and not have to listen 226 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:12,440 to the voices in my head and not have to deal 227 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:14,480 with any feelings that I had inside me. 228 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,360 If any of you know anything about a small town, 229 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,520 they talked about my mother immersively 230 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,400 for standing beside me and sometimes, 231 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,720 words can be worse than any action can be done 232 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,520 and she never wavered her love for me. 233 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,280 10 months later, I went to court. 234 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,080 I was convicted of second degree murder, 235 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:29,200 armed criminal action. 236 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,120 I was given two life sentences. 237 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,760 On October 3rd, 1987, I went to prison. 238 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:37,360 Took me exactly 13 days to learn how to make homemade wine 239 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:40,480 and this alcoholic proceeded to make homemade wine 240 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,000 and I drank because I had to try and quiet the voices 241 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,920 in there and I could not fill up enough 242 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:47,880 to where I could calm the feelings. 243 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:50,000 At one point, it got so bad that when I would go 244 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,560 to the canteen, I bought the six ounce bottle 245 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:54,680 of Aftershave back in those days. 246 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,440 It still had the alcohol in it. 247 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,240 I would cook it down to where you get just 248 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,120 about a shot glass and I would drink it. 249 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,480 I would do anything to quiet those voices. 250 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,280 Now, my mother and my grandmother come 251 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:07,440 to visit me every Thursday, never missed. 252 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,160 In August when it was 106 or in January 253 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,200 and there was eight or nine inches of snow on the ground, 254 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,320 they drove two and a half hours to come visit me. 255 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,240 When I had that hooch and that homemade wine 256 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,600 or something inside me when they walked in the door, 257 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,560 I told them how much I loved them. 258 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,440 I hugged them, I thanked them for coming to visit me 259 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:25,360 and we spent five hours of this 260 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:28,400 and something happened on January the 1st, 1992. 261 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:31,400 I woke up in my cell floor in my own blood, my own puke. 262 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,520 That hooch and that Aftershave and everything 263 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:35,120 that I was trying to put inside my system 264 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,000 was literally eating my stomach lining up. 265 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,160 But once again, I still was not to the point 266 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,880 that I would admit that I was an alcoholic. 267 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,040 So once again, I did things like I always do. 268 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,760 I take things in my own hands, I'm just not gonna drink. 269 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,720 And for the next four years, I really believe 270 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,440 I might've been one of the most miserable 271 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:50,960 dry drunks there was. 272 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,320 And the reason I tell you that is when my mother 273 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,620 and my grandmother come into the visiting room, 274 00:09:55,620 --> 00:09:57,160 this was my attitude toward them 275 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,200 when I didn't have anything in my system. 276 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,280 I'd look at them, I'd be like visiting room open 277 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,240 nine minutes ago, where the hell have you been? 278 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,200 I've been waiting. 279 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,880 I'm sure there was times I didn't thank them 280 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,200 for driving two and a half hours to come visit me. 281 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:09,720 And I know every time I complained 282 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,840 because that bag didn't have more quarters in it 283 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,200 where I could get two sandwiches 284 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,800 out of the vending machine instead of one. 285 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,280 And there's probably a few times 286 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,800 I didn't even tell them that I loved them. 287 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,560 And that's who I was as an alcoholic. 288 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:22,060 And there was a couple guys I had a job with in there. 289 00:10:22,060 --> 00:10:24,300 We worked out, they'd been on me for a long time 290 00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:25,640 saying that I was an alcoholic. 291 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:29,660 And I said, I am so sick and tired of you two on my case. 292 00:10:29,660 --> 00:10:31,860 And at this point in time, I was done. 293 00:10:31,860 --> 00:10:33,880 I was miserable, I was broken. 294 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:35,980 I had no values left. 295 00:10:35,980 --> 00:10:38,000 I had nothing left inside me. 296 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,200 I said, what do I have to do 297 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,360 to get you two guys off my case? 298 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,720 They said, you go to an AA meeting, we'll leave you alone. 299 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,760 I said, seriously, I go to one meeting, 300 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:47,360 you two will never say another word to me. 301 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,200 They said, yeah. 302 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,620 So I signed up, takes a couple of weeks to get called out. 303 00:10:50,620 --> 00:10:52,200 That Sunday night, I got called out. 304 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,040 I went to the room, it was a little narrow room. 305 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:56,520 I sat in the very back corner over there 306 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:57,840 and I stared down at the floor. 307 00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:59,200 I didn't say a single word. 308 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,760 I wondered when the 60 minutes was gonna be up. 309 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,400 When they got done, I sure didn't admit who I was. 310 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:05,440 They didn't say my name 311 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,800 and I was not gonna agree to anything in there. 312 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,020 And I walked out of that room, 313 00:11:09,020 --> 00:11:10,660 probably pushed a couple chairs out of the way 314 00:11:10,660 --> 00:11:11,640 to get out the door. 315 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,760 And I will say this, those two guys honored their word. 316 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,600 They never asked me one thing about the meeting. 317 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,640 They didn't say anything Monday morning to me. 318 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,160 They didn't say anything Tuesday. 319 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:20,420 Wednesday, the rest of the week, 320 00:11:20,420 --> 00:11:21,680 they didn't say one word to me. 321 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,160 But the only thing I can tell anybody 322 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,080 who will listen to me for the rest of my life 323 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:26,880 is something happened to me that night. 324 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:29,080 Because that following Sunday when I was out on the yard 325 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,800 and they called over the PA system for AA meeting, 326 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:32,920 I went back to that room. 327 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:34,760 And I sat in that same chair in the corner 328 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,000 and I stared down at the floor 329 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,480 and I talked to myself for the entire 60 minutes 330 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,340 and I asked myself, why am I back here? 331 00:11:40,340 --> 00:11:41,180 What am I doing? 332 00:11:41,180 --> 00:11:42,420 And I did that for three months 333 00:11:42,420 --> 00:11:43,800 before I ever said a single word. 334 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,920 And finally, I raised my head up one night 335 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,520 and I said, these guys are talking about, 336 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,520 they're talking about this hole inside their chest, 337 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,280 their heart that they can't feel. 338 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:52,880 They're talking about that they are the most 339 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,560 uncomfortable human being inside their own skin. 340 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,120 They're talking about how they didn't fit in 341 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,280 and how they lived their life in fear 342 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:01,040 of what other people thought of them. 343 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:02,040 And that was me. 344 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:03,360 So I started paying attention. 345 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:04,640 I grabbed a big book that night 346 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:05,940 and I took it back to myself. 347 00:12:05,940 --> 00:12:07,480 And I'd read a couple paragraphs 348 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,240 and I'd be like, this ain't too bad. 349 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,520 Then I'd read a few more paragraphs and it hit home 350 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:12,620 and I didn't want to deal with it. 351 00:12:12,620 --> 00:12:14,160 And I'd throw that book over on the bunk 352 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,100 and I wouldn't pick it up for two or three days. 353 00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,760 And that's how I cycled through AA for my first year. 354 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,600 And then the three men who came in off the streets 355 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,040 for us to have that meeting put on 356 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,760 what they call the big book workshop. 357 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:26,340 And I figured what else have I got to lose? 358 00:12:26,340 --> 00:12:28,380 I signed up for it and I went through it. 359 00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:30,480 And those 15 weeks changed who I am. 360 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,200 For the first time in my life at the age of 34 years old, 361 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,680 I admitted I was an alcoholic. 362 00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:37,280 I quit blaming the sheriff for arresting me. 363 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,920 I quit blaming the prosecutor for bringing the charges 364 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:41,480 against me and I quit blaming the judge 365 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,000 in court to sentence me to prison. 366 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,120 And most importantly, I quit blaming my father 367 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:46,760 for everything that I thought I needed 368 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:48,040 when I was growing up as a kid. 369 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,160 Now I tried to, if you ever go to prison, 370 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,280 which I hope nobody ever does, but if you do, 371 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,920 you try to drag every human being in the world into it. 372 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,000 You got a dog, you're trying to bring the dog through there. 373 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,960 You got a cat, you want the cat in there with you. 374 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,720 You want everybody in there with you. 375 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:02,920 Tried to drag a woman and two girls in there. 376 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,480 She lasted 18 months where she said she had to go. 377 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,860 I'll give her credit, I probably wouldn't last 18 days 378 00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:10,800 'cause I was a selfish SOB and that was just the way it was. 379 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,680 I got a letter one night, mail call, 380 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,160 had her return address on it. 381 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:15,520 Not that all of the days come. 382 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,560 She gonna tell me everything that I did in her life 383 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:18,800 and how I ruined everything. 384 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,320 I couldn't open it for about three days 385 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:21,280 'cause I'm an alcoholic. 386 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,700 I have to come up with scenarios of what's in that letter. 387 00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:26,180 And I had about 3,247 of them 388 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,800 what she had written in there. 389 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,820 And after I drove myself crazy for three days, 390 00:13:29,820 --> 00:13:31,720 I finally read the letter and it was real simple. 391 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:34,000 She said, here's my phone number, will you give me a call? 392 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,480 Well, I knew I couldn't wait three more days 393 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,440 before I made a phone call 'cause I had to been crazy 394 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:38,280 and could be. 395 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,160 So I got down, got in line and gave her a call. 396 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:41,060 I said, hello? 397 00:13:41,060 --> 00:13:43,120 She says, am I still on your visiting list? 398 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:43,960 And I said, yeah. 399 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,760 And she goes, I'd like to come visit you. 400 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:46,680 Now let's get real. 401 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:48,860 Any human being who has two life sentences 402 00:13:48,860 --> 00:13:51,280 and anybody wants to come visit them, 403 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,480 you're gonna say, absolutely, here's the days, 404 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,240 here's the hours, when can you come? 405 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,840 Everything, not this guy. 406 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,160 I said, why? 407 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:00,880 She said, I've been talking to your mom. 408 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,840 She said, you've been making some changes in your life. 409 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:03,960 I wanna come visit you. 410 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:04,800 So she come to visit me. 411 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,920 And we visit for about 10 months. 412 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,800 Now during this period, my grandmother, 413 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,960 one day in the visitor room came when I was in there, 414 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,760 she told me, she says, so good to see my grandson again. 415 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,880 I'm like, grandma, you see me every Thursday. 416 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,160 I don't know what you mean. 417 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:19,120 She said, no. 418 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,800 She said, my grandson has light behind his eyes. 419 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,480 It talks about in the big book, 420 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,640 how others will see changes in ourself 421 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,440 before we see it in us. 422 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:28,900 And she was seeing a change in me 423 00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:30,760 that I didn't even know was taking place. 424 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:32,720 And I'm so grateful for that 425 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,640 because about six months later, she ended up passing away. 426 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,800 And I am so glad that I was able to make amends 427 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,400 and be a grandson to her again. 428 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,080 Well, this lady came back and visited me and we visited. 429 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,160 And for the first time in my mid thirties, 430 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,140 I'm carrying on a conversation with the woman. 431 00:14:46,140 --> 00:14:47,560 There's no ulterior motives. 432 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,120 I'm not worried about what restaurant 433 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,320 I gotta take her to to make her happy. 434 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,480 We're not having sex. 435 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,220 Missouri doesn't have conjugal visits. 436 00:14:54,220 --> 00:14:55,960 Don't have to worry about what restaurant, 437 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,300 what movie I gotta step through so she'll be happy 438 00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,960 so we can go home and everybody's on the same page. 439 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,120 But we just sit and talk. 440 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:05,040 And for whatever reason, this lady wanted to stick with me. 441 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,340 We got married in the visiting room at prison 442 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,880 and she stuck with me for over a decade till I got out. 443 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,780 I became a husband, I became a father. 444 00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:14,440 Even in the state of Missouri, two life sentences, 445 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,560 you still get to go up and see the parole board. 446 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,440 Well, at this point in time, 447 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,960 I'm going up for my first time. 448 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,880 I'm like, the minute I see an alcoholic 449 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,240 that everyone told me about, 450 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,280 I've got my family back, I'm making amends. 451 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:27,680 I was like, they're gonna see I'm a new person. 452 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,320 They're gonna give me a chance to live again. 453 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,040 I went in that parole hearing, lasted six minutes, 454 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,320 and they said, "Mr. Huff, we'll see you in five years." 455 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,400 And I walked out of that room and I cussed God. 456 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,280 I cussed AA, I got on the phone. 457 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,100 I told her to file for divorce. 458 00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:41,400 I am never coming home. 459 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,320 This is the stupidest thing in the world. 460 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,440 And after I whined and cried for a couple days, 461 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,960 she cut me off and she said, "Are you done?" 462 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,160 Heard that voice before, so I knew the next answer 463 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,160 had better be a right one. 464 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,660 I said, "Yes," and she said, "Good, I'm not going anywhere. 465 00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:58,360 We're gonna get through this and let's move on." 466 00:15:58,360 --> 00:15:59,240 If you haven't figured out, 467 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,040 she was in Al-Anon at this point in time 468 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,720 and she just called it the way it was. 469 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,580 So I got through the next five years 470 00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:06,320 and I started doing things a little bit different. 471 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,240 I woke up 15 minutes early in my cell 472 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,520 and I'd read out of the daily reflections. 473 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,140 I'd say a prayer for the first time, 474 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,280 not praying for myself, but for other people, 475 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:16,360 and I'd read a little bit. 476 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:17,840 And I did that every single day. 477 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,440 Got through those five years, went up for parole again. 478 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,760 This time lasted a little bit longer than six minutes, 479 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:23,860 maybe about 15. 480 00:16:23,860 --> 00:16:25,480 They said, "We'll see you in two years." 481 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,400 And my pity party only lasted one day 482 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:28,520 because I knew it was coming on 483 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:29,600 the other end of the phone call. 484 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,480 So then I changed my routine and I got up 30 minutes early. 485 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,780 And whatever month it was, and that was the step, 486 00:16:34,780 --> 00:16:36,240 I read that step each morning. 487 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,300 I read out of the daily reflections. 488 00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:40,800 I said a prayer and I started reading the big book 489 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:41,800 every single day. 490 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,880 And I'm so glad that I was able to make amends 491 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:45,840 because my mother passed away. 492 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,260 She never got to see me come home, but I'm so grateful 493 00:16:48,260 --> 00:16:49,840 that she knew that I was changing. 494 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:52,480 And I proceeded to go through this scenario a couple times. 495 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,320 I went up from parole that third time. 496 00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,640 Parole hearing lasted about 57 minutes. 497 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,580 They talked about everything I'd done in my life, 498 00:16:58,580 --> 00:17:00,400 things that I didn't even know they knew about 499 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:01,920 that was never brought up. 500 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,920 They threw pictures of what I'd done to my dad on the table. 501 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:05,760 And I walked out of there 502 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,480 and I didn't even feel like a human being. 503 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:10,680 But I can tell you this, I got that two-year setback. 504 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,440 And over those next two years, I was good with it 505 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,920 because I got to where I would wake up in the morning 506 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,820 and I looked in the mirror in that cell 507 00:17:17,820 --> 00:17:20,080 and I started liking that guy I saw again. 508 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,720 And for the first time in my life, 509 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,200 I was freer in a maximum security prison 510 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,880 than I'd ever been out on the streets 511 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,760 drinking and using and running my life. 512 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,800 Ended up going up for parole, I got out. 513 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:33,760 October 3rd, 2008, I spent 21 years to the day in prison. 514 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,960 Now when I walked into prison in '87 and you got out in '08, 515 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,160 let me tell you, the world had changed 516 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,840 and I did not fit in. 517 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,920 First off, these things didn't exist. 518 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:46,120 There wasn't the internet, there wasn't Google, Siri, 519 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,280 or none of that other stuff. 520 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:50,440 Cars still had two keys, one to start, one to lock it. 521 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:51,760 Now you're walking around in the lots 522 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,720 beeping and buzzing things. 523 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:54,640 I didn't fit in. 524 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,600 But I can tell you this, I came home on a Friday afternoon, 525 00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,400 Saturday morning, 10 a.m., there's a knock on the door. 526 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,860 First, it scared the living hell out of me 527 00:18:01,860 --> 00:18:04,120 because I wasn't sure who was already knocking on my door. 528 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,380 I just got out of prison. 529 00:18:05,380 --> 00:18:07,440 But there was two men and they said, "Are you Brent?" 530 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:08,280 I said, "Yes." 531 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,520 I said, "Herald L." said, "Take you to an a.m. meeting." 532 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,360 I went to my first a.m. meeting less than 24 hours 533 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,200 out of prison. 534 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:17,000 That Monday, 72 hours later, a man invited me to his home. 535 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,320 He cooked me a steak dinner and took me to an a.m. meeting. 536 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:22,160 Now what was so weird about that was 537 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,720 he had a six-month-old baby child in his home 538 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,520 and I knew right then that everyone out there 539 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:28,760 in the free world was crazier than I was. 540 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:31,200 Because who invites a convicted murderer 541 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,600 who's been out three days into their home with their family? 542 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,720 And I asked him, I said, "Why would you do that?" 543 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:40,000 He said, "Because the people in your life are in my life." 544 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:40,840 And they told me, 545 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:42,280 "You're doing what you're supposed to be doing 546 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,360 and I'm just giving back what was given to me." 547 00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,680 And you all started teaching me 548 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:49,160 and showing me what friendship was, what fellowship was, 549 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,200 which I had never known in my entire life. 550 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:52,400 I couldn't get a job. 551 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,480 I couldn't get hired. 552 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,160 Nobody would give me a chance. 553 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,800 About six months later, I shared my story one night 554 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:58,960 and a man came up to me, he said, 555 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,160 "Do you really need a job?" 556 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,160 And I said, "Yes, I do." 557 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,240 He handed me his card and he said, 558 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:03,360 "Give me a call in the morning." 559 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:04,720 Gave him a call, went out to the meeting, 560 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:05,840 he hired me on the spot. 561 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,080 AA doing for me what I can't do for myself. 562 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,680 Worked for the man for a little over a year, 563 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,640 about a year and a half, ended up getting hurt. 564 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,520 They ended up having to put a plate in my neck. 565 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,360 Couldn't really do the lifting, everything. 566 00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:16,560 So we ended up parting ways, 567 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:19,080 but I'm forever grateful that man gave me a job. 568 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:20,240 Let me tell you a couple of other things 569 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:21,080 that happened when I got out. 570 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:22,920 That first weekend when I got home, 571 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,480 my wife told me to go downstairs, 572 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,600 said there was a couple boxes that I need to go through. 573 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,960 I thought there was stuff on my mom's, my grandma's. 574 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,320 And I was like, "I'm not ready for that." 575 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,800 I said, "No, I can't do that." 576 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:32,640 Said, "No." 577 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,360 Said, "You need to go down there and go through them." 578 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:35,840 So I go downstairs in the basement 579 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:38,280 and there's these two literally huge shipping boxes 580 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:39,840 down there and they have gifts in them. 581 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,220 And I started looking at them and said, 582 00:19:41,220 --> 00:19:43,240 "Happy birthday, Dad, 2004. 583 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,540 "Merry Christmas, Dad, 1999. 584 00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:47,640 "Happy Father's Day, 2001." 585 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,480 The reason I share this with you is 586 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,320 there was not one gift in there listed with the date 587 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:55,320 for 1996 when I went to my first AA meeting. 588 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,360 And that told me volumes of how powerful this program is. 589 00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,840 Like, after I lost that job, I couldn't get a job. 590 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:02,480 After I recovered from surgery, 591 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,000 it was right around Thanksgiving 592 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:07,040 and I ended up going out to dinner with about 20 other AAs. 593 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,680 And one of the guys who had brought the beating into prison 594 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,560 had moved away, was living in Wisconsin. 595 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:14,380 He was back home for Thanksgiving to visit with his family. 596 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:15,760 Asked me how things are going, 597 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:17,680 how's life doing, this and that. 598 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,200 And I said, "Well, it's doing good, but I don't have a job." 599 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:21,500 He said, "I thought you had one." 600 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,000 So I explained to him what happened. 601 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:23,840 He said, "Don't worry." 602 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,560 He wrote down the gentleman's name, phone number. 603 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:27,860 He said, "When the holidays are over, 604 00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:28,960 "give this man a call." 605 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,960 So I waited till Thanksgiving weekend was over. 606 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,400 I called him on Monday. 607 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:33,480 I set up an interview. 608 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:34,640 I went out to visit him. 609 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,400 I walked into his office and before I even sat down, 610 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,420 I said, "Mr. Shanks." 611 00:20:38,420 --> 00:20:39,760 I said, "My name's Brent Huff." 612 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,120 I said, "I'm a convicted felon. 613 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,840 "I've never sold a car before in my life, 614 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,520 "so if this is gonna waste your time by, 615 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,120 "I don't wanna do that." 616 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,720 He looked at me dead in the eyes and he said, 617 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,880 "George told me you was gonna be honest." 618 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:50,920 He goes, "Let's talk." 619 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,600 He ended up sitting in his office for an hour and 20 minutes 620 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:54,440 and he said, "You know what? 621 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:55,880 "I gotta run this past the owner." 622 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,200 He said, "I've never dealt with anything like this before." 623 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,520 About four days later, he gave me a call and he said, 624 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:01,760 "When can you start work? 625 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,660 "I can be there in 15 minutes." 626 00:21:03,660 --> 00:21:05,280 He said, "Well, that's right 'til next week." 627 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,120 So I started working at the dealership. 628 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,280 I started out as a porter. 629 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:09,880 I worked my way up to a salesman. 630 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,000 I worked my way up to finance manager. 631 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,120 I worked my way up to sales manager 632 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:16,160 and I ended up being the general sales manager 633 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,720 of car dealership and that's what I did for 15 years. 634 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,320 Now, I'm not telling anybody 635 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,400 and I don't want anyone to think 636 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,280 that I'm gonna tell you if you get sober, 637 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,040 life is gonna be perfect because it's not. 638 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,520 There's gonna be some phenomenal times in life 639 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:30,860 and then you have to deal with life 640 00:21:30,860 --> 00:21:33,000 because life throws you some curve balls. 641 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,760 That lady I told you about that came back to my life, 642 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:36,840 married me and stuck with me 643 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:38,440 until over a decade 'til I got out. 644 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:40,120 She ended up being in an accident 645 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,480 and she ended up spending nine months in the hospital 646 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,000 and it was right at the very end when COVID came out 647 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,080 and I couldn't get to the hospital to visit her 648 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:48,440 and she was freaking out 649 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,320 and I finally raised so much heck one night 650 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,920 that administrator told me to gown up, suit up, 651 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:53,760 all this kind of stuff. 652 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:55,000 I got in to visit her. 653 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,060 She says, "I cannot stay in here by myself." 654 00:21:57,060 --> 00:21:58,300 She goes, "Take me home." 655 00:21:58,300 --> 00:22:01,480 So I called the girls and I told them what I was gonna do. 656 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,420 We ended up signing more paperwork than you do 657 00:22:03,420 --> 00:22:06,160 when you buy a home 'cause they told me I was taking her out 658 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,640 against all medical advice and everything. 659 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:09,480 I brought her home. 660 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:10,840 We set up hospice. 661 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:13,080 The girls moved back home and we were all together 662 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,320 for the last 19 days 'til she passed away. 663 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:16,880 Now, that was a tough time for me 664 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,480 but AA showed up to me more than they ever had 665 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:20,480 in my entire life. 666 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,320 That afternoon that she passed away on a Monday 667 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:24,560 around 10 o'clock in the morning, 668 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,120 that afternoon my phone went off 669 00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:29,060 and I hadn't noticed I was gonna be speaking on Zoom 670 00:22:29,060 --> 00:22:31,320 in two hours in Baltimore, Maryland 671 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,960 and I said, "There is no way I'm doing that." 672 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:36,200 The girls said, "Oh no, you definitely will do it." 673 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,200 Says, "You're back in our life because of AA. 674 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,520 Mom took you back because of AA. 675 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:43,000 And if you're supposed to do something 676 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,040 then you're gonna do it." 677 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:46,160 So I ended up sharing my story that night. 678 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:49,400 I have no clue what I said but I know that. 679 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,880 There are two gentleman's names that are in my phone 680 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,520 from that night and they call me every day 681 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:56,480 on the night that I spoke that Debbie passed away. 682 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,960 They check in with me another time throughout the year. 683 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,000 And once again, you all started showing me 684 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,480 what real friendship was. 685 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:06,920 During her visitation, you all showed up like you all do. 686 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,960 There was just people wall to wall. 687 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,960 You brought drinks, you brought sodas, 688 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:14,040 you brought sandwiches, you brought food. 689 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:17,480 You gave me space and you was around me when I needed it. 690 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:21,640 And my two brother-in-law said, "Who are these people?" 691 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,280 Her sister did not have this many friends. 692 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,100 I said, "It's my other family, it's my AA family." 693 00:23:27,100 --> 00:23:29,560 And they was totally blown away and they did not understand. 694 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:31,120 And I'll be honest with you, I really thought 695 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:33,760 that I would probably spend the rest of my life 696 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,360 in St. Louis, Missouri. 697 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:37,560 I figured that I would work in that dealership 698 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:40,200 till I was 70 years old, live there, die there, 699 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,200 go to my meetings around St. Louis, 700 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:43,960 go to a few conferences here and there, 701 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:45,160 and that was gonna be my life. 702 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,040 Well, God has different plans. 703 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:50,040 So let me explain to you when I stay out of the way 704 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:51,740 what God's plan was for me. 705 00:23:51,740 --> 00:23:54,000 I was supposed to speak in Dallas, Texas. 706 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,480 I was asked about a year prior and I was supposed to speak 707 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,040 in the summer of when COVID hit. 708 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,320 Well, when COVID hit, shut everything down, 709 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,100 couldn't get to the conference. 710 00:24:02,100 --> 00:24:04,620 So first off, I was supposed to be there two years 711 00:24:04,620 --> 00:24:05,460 before I went. 712 00:24:05,460 --> 00:24:07,760 Shut the conference down, COVID came back, 713 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,080 released everything, people started having meetings 714 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:11,520 and conferences again. 715 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:13,640 Stu called me back and he said, "Brent, 716 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:14,800 "let's try this again." 717 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,160 He goes, "Can you come this summer?" 718 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:18,000 I said, "Absolutely, I'll be down there." 719 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,040 He said, "Matter of fact, won't you take off 720 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,100 "a couple of days, come in on a Wednesday, 721 00:24:22,100 --> 00:24:24,620 "we'll play golf Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, 722 00:24:24,620 --> 00:24:26,720 "and then we'll get to the conference for the weekend." 723 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,080 I said, "That even sounds better." 724 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:29,560 Well, then there's another twist. 725 00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,440 The hotel down there at double booked, 726 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,120 so they had to move the AA conference two weeks later. 727 00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:37,400 Well, Stu had other plans and he couldn't be there then, 728 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,080 but he said, "I'll have one of my sponsees 729 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:40,400 "pick you up at the airport." 730 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,680 So he had a sponsee pick me up at the airport. 731 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:43,960 Now all of you have sponsees, 732 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,940 you know how they work sometimes. 733 00:24:45,940 --> 00:24:47,600 Did what they were supposed to do, pick me up, 734 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:50,520 just took me to the hotel, dropped me off and boom, gone. 735 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,140 Well, what am I supposed to do? 736 00:24:52,140 --> 00:24:54,520 So I'm wandering around the lobby that evening 737 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,880 and the lady, I think she was the chair of the conference 738 00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,360 and she came up to me and she said, "What are you doing?" 739 00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:00,400 She goes, "Where's your host?" 740 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:01,980 And I said, "Well, Stu's gone." 741 00:25:01,980 --> 00:25:02,820 She goes, "Well, yeah, I know, 742 00:25:02,820 --> 00:25:04,160 "but he's having somebody work with you." 743 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,960 And I said, "Well, they're gone too." 744 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:07,280 She goes, "We'll come with." 745 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:09,180 Says, "I'm taking a couple of other people out to dinner, 746 00:25:09,180 --> 00:25:10,280 "so I went to dinner." 747 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:13,560 Well, there was a lady there who had dinner with us. 748 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:15,060 She was one of the other speakers. 749 00:25:15,060 --> 00:25:16,640 Now she wasn't supposed to be there either 750 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:18,440 because the lady who was supposed to have been there 751 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:20,640 ended up getting sick and couldn't make it 752 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,360 and she was a last minute fill-in. 753 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,640 Well, we ended up meeting, having dinner that night 754 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:27,560 and throughout the weekend, some people call it flirting, 755 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,800 some people call it sparking. 756 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:31,120 Anyway, we hit it off 757 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:34,040 and we dated long distance for about a year. 758 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,280 And then it came to the point, 759 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:36,640 what are we gonna do with life? 760 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:37,520 What are we gonna do? 761 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:39,880 Couldn't really ask her to give up her job. 762 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,080 She had made partner in a law firm. 763 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,520 I couldn't ask her to come out to the Midwest. 764 00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:47,080 And I mean, seriously, I'm in the car business, 765 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:48,920 so I mean, you could really do whatever you wanna do. 766 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:52,240 So I figured that I'll end up figuring out what to do 767 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:53,760 and flew out, met her daughter. 768 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:57,680 She flew into Kansas City, met my daughter and grandson, 769 00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,740 flew into Denver, met my other daughter. 770 00:25:59,740 --> 00:26:01,600 Of course, we had to run everything past sponsors. 771 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:02,960 You know how them sponsors are. 772 00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:05,000 AA has another little twist. 773 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,400 Her sponsor in California and my sponsor in Missouri 774 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,120 had known each other for over a decade. 775 00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:11,360 They already had talked to each other. 776 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,700 They'd been at conferences together, workshops together, 777 00:26:13,700 --> 00:26:15,280 so they already knew what was going on. 778 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:17,140 So we got everybody on board. 779 00:26:17,140 --> 00:26:19,720 So it came to the time that I just had to decide 780 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:21,000 whether I wanted to get up and move. 781 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,440 So I put my house up for sale 782 00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:23,760 and I figured I'd see what would happen. 783 00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:25,760 I had four offers in less than nine hours. 784 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:28,320 Sold my house, walked into the dealership, 785 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,060 gave my 30-day notice. 786 00:26:30,060 --> 00:26:32,480 Everybody in the state of Missouri, well, not everybody, 787 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,320 majority of the people in the state of Missouri 788 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,200 thought that I'd lost my mind moving out to California. 789 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,880 I had no job prospect. 790 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:41,200 I had no idea what I was gonna do. 791 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,880 But for the first time in my life, I had no fear. 792 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:48,800 My heart was full and I had lived my entire life 793 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,000 in fear of what other people thought about me 794 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,600 and what I was gonna do and whether I would fail 795 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,800 and whether anyone else would make fun of me. 796 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:57,360 And I had no fear. 797 00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:59,600 And I ended up leaving and I came out here 798 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:01,440 and this lovely lady sitting right there 799 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:03,280 has decided that she will marry me. 800 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:08,040 I came out here with no job, no opportunity, nothing. 801 00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:10,560 And I figured whatever was meant to be will happen. 802 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,080 Ended up having lunch with the president and CEO 803 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:14,220 of the Midnight Mission. 804 00:27:14,220 --> 00:27:15,520 He hired me on the spot. 805 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:16,720 I worked down at the mission. 806 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,840 I've been there for about 10 months now. 807 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:20,640 Absolutely loved my life. 808 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,120 I love my job. 809 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:25,120 My sponsor told me you need to always do two things, 810 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:27,920 work with newcomers and go somewhere once a week 811 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:29,320 that you do not wanna end up. 812 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:31,120 He brings the message into prison. 813 00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:33,840 For me, I go down to the heart of Skid Row 814 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:36,080 five days a week and try to help people out 815 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:38,200 because I sure don't wanna end up there. 816 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:40,580 I still have some sponsees in Missouri 817 00:27:40,580 --> 00:27:42,260 and I've actually got a couple sponsees 818 00:27:42,260 --> 00:27:43,560 now that I've moved out here. 819 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:47,000 Everything I have in my life is because of AA. 820 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,880 The life I have is blessed 821 00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,000 because of AA and the fellowships. 822 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,360 The steps are not hard, but you have to work 'em. 823 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:55,960 And I had to work them. 824 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:57,280 When I was in that prison cell, 825 00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:58,680 I would get up in the mornings 826 00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:02,040 and I would work steps one, two, three, six, seven, 11 827 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:03,560 before I walked out of my cell. 828 00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:05,240 I still get up early in the morning. 829 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,880 You can ask her and I will go away and I'll get my coffee 830 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,040 and I do my readings every morning. 831 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,640 I still keep the same routine 832 00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:15,880 because it starts my day off right. 833 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:18,000 It gets me level with God 834 00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,720 and thank Him for what He has blessed me with. 835 00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:22,080 That way I can have my day 836 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,840 and hopefully I can help someone else out. 837 00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:27,640 If I can sum it up and just a little bit of how it happens, 838 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:29,440 the best way I can tell it is this. 839 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,200 If I'm in a car and I let my higher power drive 840 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:33,860 and I stay in the passenger seat, 841 00:28:33,860 --> 00:28:36,600 we get down the road in between the lines 842 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,640 at 55 miles an hour now, I'm an alcoholic. 843 00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:40,920 I still want things now. 844 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:42,040 I don't want to wait for them. 845 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:43,840 I want instant gratification. 846 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,240 So sometimes in my life, I grab that steering wheel 847 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:48,440 and I'll put my foot on the gas lead 848 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:49,640 and we're going down the road 849 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:51,060 and we're hitting 80 miles an hour 850 00:28:51,060 --> 00:28:52,520 'cause I want to get down there. 851 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:53,340 And the next thing you know, 852 00:28:53,340 --> 00:28:55,200 that car starts veering off in the ditch 853 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:56,720 'cause I'm running my life in a wreck. 854 00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:58,480 As soon as I let go of that steering wheel 855 00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:01,720 and I take my foot off that gas, car slows down, 856 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:03,600 gets back in the middle of the road 857 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:06,380 'cause I'm surrendering and letting my higher power drive. 858 00:29:06,380 --> 00:29:07,880 We don't get there when I want to. 859 00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:09,860 We get there when I'm supposed to. 860 00:29:09,860 --> 00:29:12,440 If I went to Dallas, Texas two years earlier 861 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:13,640 and I never met this lady, 862 00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:15,460 but God had me go to Dallas, Texas 863 00:29:15,460 --> 00:29:17,360 when I was supposed to go to Dallas, Texas. 864 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:19,560 He had me come out here and I'm living a life 865 00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:20,720 that he wants me to live. 866 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:22,080 I have a glorious life. 867 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:23,560 I have a blessed life. 868 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:25,720 I want to thank you all for listening to me.