1
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 Hey Bill, my name's Logan and I'm an alcoholic.

2
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 I'd like to thank Ben for asking me to come out and speak,

3
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 Nate on his eight years,

4
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,920
 and the chain of people that got me here tonight.

5
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 It started with Mikey Vee in Las Vegas,

6
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 went to Tom, Tom to Ben, Ben to Nate.

7
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 So I want there to be plenty to blame to go around saying,

8
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 I don't want to say, I don't want to take all the blame

9
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 tonight. Right after the meeting,

10
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 Bruce is going to escort me to the back and you know, for the,

11
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 for the line, I go, that's going to be a short line.

12
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 People would thank me. I, you know,

13
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 my sobriety date is September 24th, 2013,

14
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 and coming up on 11 years. And, and that is,

15
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 that's for an alcoholic like me, that that's ridiculous.

16
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 It's ridiculous that I'm standing before you guys sober

17
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 tonight. I didn't walk in these rooms and say, Oh,

18
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 what a nice place to stay. I think I'll just, you know,

19
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 put the plug in the jug and, you know, hang out with these people, uh,

20
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 just some of the stats, uh, I've been to detox over 20 times.

21
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 I'd been in three or four, uh, residential treat,

22
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 long-term residential treatment programs, countless sober livings. Uh, I,

23
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 I, you know, I just could not lock in. I was,

24
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 I was working with a wet one today,

25
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 he's been drinking and I get it, I get it. He goes to detox and he runs out.

26
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 I did that. Mike, Mike, uh, was on, on zoom. He, he, he took,

27
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 he, he drove me from Las Vegas to Riverside once and I stayed for a couple of

28
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 days and it was out of there. And I got on a bus and I came back.

29
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 I remember going to a friend of mine in Vegas, got me into a detox program.

30
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 He goes, just go to the emergency room, you know, just waiting, you know,

31
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 we'll get your detox free. Don't worry about it. No charge. We'll get,

32
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 we're going to get your detox. I got there and they didn't medicate me faster.

33
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 Rip the IV out of my arm. I ran out of the place, arm bleeding down to the,

34
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 that's, that's what my uncle always said. Well, that's a good day.

35
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 That's a good day for me.

36
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 I wound up at the end of my drinking almost 11 years ago.

37
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 Well, you know, I saw it in the really nice treatment centers and you know,

38
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 bushy places and there I was in the middle once and it was like,

39
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 you know, at the end it was the midnight mission.

40
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 Tim thanks for coming out and supporting me and saved my life cause he didn't

41
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 care how I felt. He did not care how I felt.

42
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 He took me off the midnight mission that day and he looked at me and he said,

43
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 he goes,

44
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 you got to walk in there and you're going to finally pick up the tab for all

45
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 your bullshit. I didn't like hearing at the time, you know, I said,

46
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 I said to him, I said, I'm going to stay sober, just to be around you.

47
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 But that didn't save my life cause he didn't care how I felt. He didn't care.

48
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 The night before I went to the mission, the day before I called him,

49
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 I was 5150. I was in Culver city and I call him,

50
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 I had no place to go.

51
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 I had a green bag with some dirty underwear, a torn up wallet,

52
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 broken cell phone. That was everything I had to my name. And he came and got me.

53
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 He came and got me. He goes, okay, you got one night my couch.

54
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 And he was in the mission tomorrow. I was like, well, let's not panic.

55
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 There's gotta be a way around this. Let's, let's talk about this. He goes,

56
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 well, do you have any better ideas? I had no ideas.

57
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 I was out of ideas. I had friends, no friendly place to turn to.

58
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 I didn't have a nickel to my name.

59
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 And I my wife fleet lead to everyone,

60
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 nothing going. So, uh, and I just remember Tim, you know,

61
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 he goes, get on the couch, sleep there. And he has his dog.

62
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 And he said he's got the door cradled in his arms. And I'm like,

63
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 and this was really my thought at the time. I said, look at these people.

64
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 They're treating a dog better than me. You know,

65
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 he's feeding the dog treats and they're taking me to a homeless shelter.

66
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 What's wrong with what kind of people are these?

67
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 That's, that's, that's me and my alcoholism right there.

68
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 I don't know what's good for me. And to this day,

69
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 I don't know what's good for me unless I'm around you people. Cause you know,

70
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 what the thing about this disease is it have a disease that tells me when things

71
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 are bad, they're really okay. Things aren't that bad. They're good.

72
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 And when things are good, it tells me how bad, you know, and that's, and that's,

73
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 and that's something, and that's why I need this program every day.

74
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 That's why I need this. Cause if I'm not, if I'm not doing what we do in here,

75
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 I go back to that thinking and I walk into that thinking.

76
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 I think I have good ideas. I, you know, and that,

77
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 and that's my ideas and my emotions led me down that path every

78
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 single time. Just for some of the background, I grew up in Brooklyn,

79
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 New York, you can tell I'm not a Southern gentleman.

80
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 I grew up in Brooklyn and my father was an alcoholic.

81
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 My mother was a hysterical ally and it was a crazy, crazy household. And you know,

82
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 I grew up with a lot of angst. I remember, you know, growing up,

83
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 I mean I always had this fear that my father, he'd come from Manhattan.

84
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 He'd take the subway and he was worried that he was going to fall on the track.

85
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 I remember the bottom of my bed. It was woody and I was always chewing on it.

86
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 There were little teeth marks across the top. So I always had this, this,

87
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 this angst in me, you know, you know, but I swore,

88
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 I swore I'd never be like, I swore I was never going to be like,

89
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 and I was kind of a late bloom. I drank a couple of times at my sister's wedding,

90
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 but I didn't really start drinking until I was 19. You know,

91
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 I was kind of an athletic kid. We played stickball,

92
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 played all the street games and I had good friends,

93
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 really good friends growing up. And, you know, and to this day, you know,

94
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 and touch with them and they, they were all successful, you know, good guys,

95
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 you know, good guys, you know, and I avoided,

96
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 I avoided a lot of the problems in the streets in New York. And, uh, you know,

97
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 I went to, uh, you know, I went, I went to school and worked and, and,

98
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 you know, I remember my first love was 70 to 19.

99
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 Mary, we, you know, we were all now, she, and she dumped me.

100
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 It was like despondent, you know, sitting on the end of my bed.

101
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 I was all like my face was hanging on the floor. Oh man. You know,

102
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 I just got really depressed. And my father was like, told my friends,

103
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 take him out of here, take him out, take him out.

104
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 He's just sitting in there, moping around.

105
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 So my friends took me to poverty's pub in Brooklyn. And like it was yesterday,

106
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 I remember it was two blood lysis and those two shots of blackberry brandy.

107
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 All of a sudden, all that anxiety, all that depression,

108
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 all that stuff. I was feeling,

109
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 all of a sudden the music sounded good. The girls looked good.

110
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 And now by the end of the night, me out with some girl by the shoebox,

111
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 I was dancing. And I was like, I knew like some level,

112
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 I knew that if I had this, I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.

113
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 So this is what it took. And for many years, it worked hard.

114
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 I played hard. I didn't, it's not my experience.

115
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 I wasn't one of these guys that picked up a drink and blacked out and got in

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 trouble. You know, I was working. I was successful. I was successful.

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 I was in sports radio in New York and I was with HBO sports and

118
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 my little boxing shows and ESPN. And, you know, I had a lot, a lot of success,

119
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 but you know, but all, but the whole time I was drinking, but I was drinking,

120
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 you know, I wasn't affecting my work and as long as it wasn't affecting my work,

121
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 okay. You know, it was a party, you know, fun, you know, going to,

122
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 going with the other sports writers to the bar and sort of game on a boxing

123
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 match and knocking down drinks and, you know, it was fun. It was great.

124
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 But slowly, and it happened,

125
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 it's like an incremental slowly regular

126
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 life became more painful. And, and,

127
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 and the anytime I felt comfortable was when I had a couple of drinks at me and I

128
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 remember I got married. I was about 27. My friends were getting married.

129
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 I said, I might as well get married.

130
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 And it was something that they weren't partying and that they were settling

131
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 down. I remember we're sending, I told them, they said, come on, I'm amazed.

132
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 Oh, do you want to get married? You know,

133
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 and I said, okay, I guess it's, I got married now. I was a horrible,

134
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 horrible person.

135
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 I was cheating. I was in the bar.

136
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 I can go out for a quarter milk and come back three days later. Uh,

137
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 I remember like sitting, sitting in the,

138
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 I'd love like two o'clock in the morning, I'd get up and I needed a drink.

139
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 And I would be sitting living with my poor big goblet of wine and I would drink

140
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 and I'd be like, I'm supposed to cry myself and have that buzz on so I'd be back to sleep.

141
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 And that was my favorite part of the day. It was like, and I left that marriage.

142
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 And I, you know, I moved to Las Vegas and, uh, you know,

143
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 my drinking really picked up when I moved to Las Vegas 24/7, you know,

144
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 and you know, I hit my first treatment center and it was longterm treatment center.

145
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 I've been to details a few times and then my first longterm treatment center at

146
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 90 and I stayed sober for seven and a half years of treatments. Uh,

147
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 but you know, there was one thing and I was really active in,

148
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 it was active in a lot of meetings and I, and I, you know,

149
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 I always loved Dave, you know,

150
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 even when I was being at the bar, 12 step and keep,

151
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 you know, I'd be bartending and I'd tell him, yeah, he's great.

152
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 It was awesome. You know, I loved it. You know,

153
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 I never had a good word to say about it.

154
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 It just wasn't for me cause I wasn't quite as bad as the rest of those.

155
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 You know, and, uh, you know, I, I, in that seven and a half,

156
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:03,520
 during that seven and a half years of sobriety, there was a lack of surrender.

157
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 I can see it now. I mean, I couldn't see it at the time I was active in AA,

158
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:11,720
 but I wasn't completely surrounded because I always had that in the back of my

159
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 head. If I, if I'm in pain or anxiety or whatever it is,

160
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:19,200
 depression long enough and I get out of it, I'm going to drink.

161
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:20,880
 I always had that reservation.

162
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 And I remember doing speed before I went into that treatment center.

163
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 And I remember sharing when I was speaking at an AA meeting in Vegas.

164
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 Well, if I ever go out again, I'll probably be a speed freak too.

165
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 And the first night I went out, if that seven and a half years,

166
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 I was doing speed drinking. It's like, I said it up. And that's,

167
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 that's the thing about this disease. It's, it is so sneak and insidious.

168
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 And so, and it centers in my mind. So it talks to me in my own voice.

169
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 So every decision I made in my life, I always felt right.

170
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 I was right. You know, this is, this is what I feel. This is my gut feeling.

171
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 This is I'm going with my gut feeling, you know,

172
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:05,000
 and it was never going to, I never wanted to be one of those AA people that,

173
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:09,880
 you know, fall in line, you know, and do everything, you know,

174
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:13,440
 do, do all the right things. I never, you know, I was like, nah, you know,

175
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:17,440
 it's good for them, not for me. Cause I think really deep thoughts.

176
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,840
 My thoughts are important thoughts. And my emotions,

177
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,680
 my emotions are a little more important than the rest of you folks. And I see,

178
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 I, you know, I got, you know, I'm a little hipper, somehow a little slicker,

179
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:32,960
 a little cooler. And I had this underlying type of alcoholic.

180
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 And you know, I looked apart and be at meetings and be active during those seven

181
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,920
 and a half years. But there was always, there was always that part of me.

182
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 I was whole, I held back cause I, cause I wasn't completely surrendered. And,

183
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,480
 you know, and the day, and the day came, you know, uh,

184
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,440
 after seven and a half years where I was depressed and I was,

185
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:58,360
 I was on antidepressants in my first, no,

186
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:02,800
 they weren't working anymore. I went to a psychiatrist, you know,

187
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:07,120
 this, I actually have a second opinion. Well, you've tried every medication.

188
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:11,800
 Let's let's try, uh, maybe we should try electroconvulsive therapy. Uh,

189
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:17,720
 well, I was like, okay. And right there, I made the decision, I got this,

190
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:21,840
 I'm going to handle this from now. And I, you know,

191
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:25,960
 I went fucking, you know, shortly thereafter, you know, I, I went, you know,

192
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:29,680
 the first night, first night out to this place we used to eat at.

193
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:35,040
 I said, no, give me, give me, uh, give me a shot of Jager ice tea.

194
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:40,640
 And I started seven and a half years of completely dismantling my life.

195
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:44,520
 I sold that business, uh, in sports television.

196
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:47,640
 I sold that business before that.

197
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 And I can look back now and see how I set that up. It was perfect.

198
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:56,680
 I read all my responsibilities and money coming in from the sale of that

199
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:59,600
 business. And here I am in Vegas, you know,

200
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:03,120
 24 seven and you go for 24 seven,

201
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:07,840
 basically for the next eight years, all I did was hang out in the bar,

202
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:12,520
 work in the bar, uh, snort speed, drink, chase women, gamble.

203
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:16,840
 You know, that's all I did. And you know, and you know what, when you,

204
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,720
 when you go out after having some surprises, well, things get bad.

205
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,480
 I'll just go back again. You know, I'll just go back.

206
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:27,080
 When things are getting bad, wrong, wrong, wrong. I did not get back.

207
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,520
 It was not easy. It was, I didn't just, you know,

208
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:33,320
 it can get a little rough. Here I am. When they came and got the house,

209
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,480
 I knocked on the door one day and he goes,

210
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,760
 I just bought your house at an auction. I just looked at him and said, okay,

211
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,880
 how long do I have to get up? I hadn't paid the mortgage in a year. Okay.

212
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:45,560
 And I'm drinking the snort speed. And I left that place.

213
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:50,720
 Cause I wasn't going to go. Cause people at the time were wrecking houses,

214
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:54,320
 you know, with their foreclothes on. I was going to leave it.

215
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:59,920
 And when they came and got the cars, I just didn't, oh,

216
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:03,320
 you need to jump at the jumper cables for them. They took the cars, you know,

217
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:07,840
 and I just, it was like, and I wound up living with my local girlfriend, uh,

218
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:12,680
 in a weekly, uh, motel, uh, CD part of the strip,

219
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:15,600
 but I was going to come back if things got bad and things, you know,

220
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:21,760
 things are fine here. There's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong here. And,

221
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:24,280
 uh, you know, and, and, and the best,

222
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:29,320
 the best job I could get was the end of my drinking was a bouncer in a drag queen

223
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,040
 ball. That's the best job. If the,

224
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:34,840
 if the being at major boxing events worldwide,

225
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:39,680
 I'm breaking up fights in a drinking and you have not lived until you see two

226
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:41,840
 drag queens and said, breaking up ladies,

227
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:47,360
 but nothing's wrong here. Everything's okay. Everything's all right. Uh,

228
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:50,120
 so I, you know, and then, you know, I had this, you know,

229
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:53,080
 I was in this relationship with this girl and she, you know, she was,

230
00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:56,760
 she was just like me. She liked the speed. She liked the drink.

231
00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:01,120
 She had a psychiatrist sugar daddy and she would, she, she was old.

232
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:04,200
 She was a while. And you know, you know,

233
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:08,080
 we were both lower companions and we loved it. We were both low. And, and,

234
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,520
 you know, we've been in the bars all the time, but it was,

235
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:14,400
 it was total insanity. Uh, he would bring, he,

236
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:15,440
 he would bring out,

237
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:19,960
 he'd bring over her money every day and she'd go quick get in the closet.

238
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,240
 Tummy's bringing home the bacon.

239
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:28,640
 She, she really, she just didn't care. And, and, and,

240
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,560
 and I didn't care either. I didn't care.

241
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,640
 There was no dignity, no pride left.

242
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,160
 There was just doing what we had to do to survive and get to the bar every day.

243
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:40,920
 And, uh, you know, I remember I got a call from Mike, uh, Mikey. And, uh,

244
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:45,240
 one day he goes, Hey, you're a sponsor of the sponsor who I had, uh,

245
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:50,400
 he lived out in California. He goes, he's sick. And I want to talk to him.

246
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,680
 It's a couple of guys from AA met them at a restaurant.

247
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:55,040
 And we're seeing these guys for the first time.

248
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:58,440
 Didn't see them in a long time and not sitting there talking with them.

249
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:03,440
 And I was just like, it was like just a little opening,

250
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,800
 but first time it was just a little crack of light.

251
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:12,000
 Just being with those guys again. I remember driving back to our apartment,

252
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:16,800
 driving back. I felt like I was really thought I was driving into that moment.

253
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,440
 A clarity lasted, you know,

254
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:24,800
 I don't know if you said you know, things got,

255
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:28,400
 you know, they, you know, I could no longer work. And you know,

256
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,560
 we were just hanging out and it was, it was getting bad and I was getting,

257
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:33,520
 you know, I was really getting, you know,

258
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:38,760
 crazy and starting to do some stupid stuff. And, uh, you know,

259
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:43,480
 I called Steven, you know, he was on the sponsors. I said, Steven,

260
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:47,160
 how are you? He goes, no, Logan, the question is, how are you? He goes,

261
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:52,080
 how is your alcohol and drug induced fantasy of the life and how's your

262
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,440
 girlfriend miss three mile Island? You know,

263
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:02,680
 I just started laughing because I, you know, when we get the truth and you know,

264
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,720
 and it's, and he puts it in a funny, I was like, yeah, I want to get over.

265
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:09,520
 And then, uh, and uh, you know, I, uh,

266
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:13,400
 I hooked up with David and you know, I said, okay, he said,

267
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:18,040
 this guy's going to call you. He called me. I said, yeah,

268
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,680
 a couple of days. I'd like to come out. He goes, oh, I'm right around the corner.

269
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:28,160
 I had a few laundry, I mean, and uh,

270
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:33,080
 David, David came and got me and I, and I went with him and I came out and,

271
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:37,040
 you know, I checked into Brokman detox and you know,

272
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:41,000
 that started like two or three years of going and forth. You know,

273
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:46,480
 when it was in brockman, I was so, I think I checked in with point four,

274
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,600
 slugging.

275
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:57,840
 And I remember I, my audience shutting down detox and you know,

276
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:02,120
 they almost put me in ICU. All this was shutting down, you know, you know,

277
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,920
 if that, you know, you're in your fifties, I'm 70 now,

278
00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:10,120
 but you're in your fifties and you don't 24 seven speed and alcohol,

279
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:13,360
 you know, things, some things are going to go wrong and it's amazing.

280
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:17,400
 And it's a miracle that I don't have any health, you know,

281
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:22,120
 health problems as a result of being eight year old in the fifties, you know,

282
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:23,560
 it's, you know,

283
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:27,680
 it wants me around for something, but, uh, you know, I,

284
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:32,480
 but I still could not let go. I could not let go Las Vegas. I was, you know,

285
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:35,760
 I get sober and, and, you know, I mean, I just didn't,

286
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,840
 I couldn't look at my wife every couple of months. I'd go nuts in it,

287
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:45,240
 you know, see what I had done to my life and every old wreckage, you know,

288
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,480
 I had turned into a,

289
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:50,320
 I had turned into a complete leech to my mother for eighties.

290
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:55,520
 I remember like going to go and go to Western union to this

291
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:59,840
 day, make some single thinking that yellow form and my mother, my,

292
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,280
 my 80 year old mother walked, you know,

293
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:05,400
 four or five blocks in the cold in New York to send,

294
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:10,040
 to send sunny boy some money. I need two, $300,

295
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:14,800
 you know, places that, you know, and I become a leech, you know,

296
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:18,680
 to my, to my mother and my sister hated my death for what I had become.

297
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:23,160
 And I hadn't been in touch with my son in the years, you know, my life was,

298
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:27,720
 you know, a complete, a complete disaster. And, you know, so,

299
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:32,720
 you know, going back and forth and back and forth and, you know, I, uh,

300
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:36,440
 I'm in the Pacific group to this day. I've been in the Pacific group the whole time.

301
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:43,480
 So I'm going back and forth and I just can't stay sober. And, you know,

302
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:49,560
 you know, go back to Vegas and that was all blows up again and come

303
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:54,440
 back out of here, get sober, you know, so going to meetings and, you know,

304
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:58,160
 if they stick until the last time I went to Vegas, you know,

305
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:03,880
 drinking those beers and it's not, it's just me drinking the beer.

306
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:08,360
 I can not shut my head. I can not shut my head off. And then that,

307
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:11,480
 that is a rotten place to be for now. All when you're drinking,

308
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,400
 your brain is screaming for more, but your body can't take it. You know,

309
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:19,400
 I couldn't drink it. I couldn't put the fire on. You know, I called Tim.

310
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,280
 Then he said, get on a bus and come out, you know,

311
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:25,800
 I'm a busser. That was such a rough life, you know. I didn't bring any money.

312
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:29,880
 I didn't lose it. I was trying to get out of here. You know, I, uh,

313
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:35,480
 I think I started, I went to the foundation and I 5150'd out of there.

314
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:38,840
 It was detox. It was going nuts. And they said,

315
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,880
 I remember the guy saying to me, well, I said, I need medication.

316
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:45,080
 I need something. And he goes, well, we don't have any here. And he goes,

317
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:49,800
 you can, you can go to get 5150. Okay. 51. He goes, I can't. He goes,

318
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,440
 you gotta be suicidal. I ain't suicidal. And I remember he goes,

319
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,280
 the cops are going to come. I don't care. Just need to get to work.

320
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,480
 You know, I need medication and I remember someone's coming in and,

321
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:02,360
 and I hand called me. I said, no problem. Let's go. And you know,

322
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,840
 I got in the car and they walked the window open. Yeah, thank you.

323
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,080
 They were really nice. I got to say,

324
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,680
 these cops are the nicest stuffs I've met in my life. And the cop goes, oh,

325
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:13,080
 how are you going to kill yourself? And I couldn't think of that. I'm thinking,

326
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:15,600
 uh, I was going to jump off a bridge.

327
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:20,440
 I'm trying to think of, I'm trying to think of how I was going to kill myself.

328
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:24,160
 So, you know, and then, you know, when I got out at 5150,

329
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:28,400
 that's when Tim picked me up and, uh, you know, and you know, thank God for 10,

330
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:33,080
 you know, he came and got me and, uh, you know, it was done. I had no answers,

331
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:37,960
 nothing, nothing was serious. And you know, when I walked into that mission,

332
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,600
 I remember walking into my bag, looking to the people laying in the courtyard,

333
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:45,960
 looking to take them off, you know, here I am, my tattered clothes, filthy,

334
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:50,600
 you know, he's shaving my garbage bag. And I'm looking at these people and go,

335
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,240
 I don't want to look at these.

336
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:58,240
 Meanwhile, you can between them, if she thinks any cigarette cuts,

337
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:00,640
 every cigarette, you know,

338
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:05,360
 I walked in the mission and remember sitting on that pre admit in the midnight

339
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:08,800
 mission and thinking, uh, it's over, you know, my life's up.

340
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:14,480
 It was the first time though that I lost faith in my thinking,

341
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:19,560
 how did this, you know, how did this happen?

342
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:23,680
 Cause my best, my best decisions, my best thoughts, my best judgments.

343
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:28,360
 And I'm sitting on skid row in LA, busted out my life complete.

344
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:32,960
 And, uh, Tim, uh, you know, Tim told me, well, go in and see Clancy,

345
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:36,080
 you wouldn't see Clancy. Yeah. And say, hello, you know,

346
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:40,640
 tell me you hear an appointment. I went to see Clancy, looked at Clancy,

347
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:45,200
 still he was still, and he, he, he, he like got right to it.

348
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,960
 He looked at me and I said, well, I'm only here cause I have to be Clancy.

349
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,840
 I have no place to go and even be sold.

350
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,320
 And he looked over his glasses at me. He goes, well,

351
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:59,240
 we're really honored to have a no good God damn bum like you with us.

352
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:04,560
 That's harsh. But then he smiled.

353
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:08,360
 He smiled. He smiled at me. And then one alcohol or two,

354
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:12,080
 and he smiled at me. He goes, that's okay, kid. He goes, I know how you feel.

355
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,480
 He goes, just stick around and come back and see me next week. And you know,

356
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:19,800
 as I walk him back to my mom, you know, I believed him. I believe he,

357
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:24,640
 he was just like me at one point. I believe that. And you know, I, uh,

358
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:29,640
 I went back to my bunk and it was okay. It was okay. It was okay. Great.

359
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:34,040
 You know, it gave me just a glimmer of hope that people like me,

360
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:39,080
 can't get soap, you know, people like me when exacting. And I, you know,

361
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:42,880
 I see him in the rooms all the time now, but I did, but before it's funny,

362
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:46,360
 I didn't see them. I saw them, but I didn't see them. If that makes any sense.

363
00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:51,080
 Uh, so I, you know, I started, you know, uh, I started,

364
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:55,800
 my first job at the mission was shoveling stuff off the sidewalk in the morning,

365
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:59,960
 closing down the street and cleaning the bathroom and the courtyard. And then I,

366
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:01,880
 moving into the lobby, you know,

367
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:06,360
 and then I got the into the floors were doing a lot nicer gig, you know,

368
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:09,600
 uh, somebody reached out to me to be Clancy's assistant.

369
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:15,000
 So I wound up becoming Clancy's assistant 15 months. And what about,

370
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,600
 what a gift from God, that is, I mean, to wine.

371
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:21,960
 It's like having a heart condition and winding up in like the finest searches

372
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:27,040
 office, you know, but it was, you know, wind up as his assistant.

373
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:31,520
 And that's where the magic happens for me because my whole, my whole life,

374
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:35,160
 my feelings dictated my, how I felt at a given moment,

375
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:38,920
 dictated what I was going to do. If I felt bad, you know,

376
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:43,720
 and if I had to drink, I'm sorry if I, you know, I'm sorry. If, if,

377
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,320
 if you're home with the baby, you know, I'm going, you know,

378
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:50,280
 I need to be at the bar drinking in every way, the selfishness,

379
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:52,160
 selfishness, you know,

380
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:57,120
 I would just follow my emotions and work and play for some somehow during

381
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:01,360
 that time, it became really important to me that this emails ready,

382
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:06,080
 this coffee ready to have everything ready for him every day to be at that desk

383
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:10,120
 at 9.00 AM with a tie on. And you know, it was the first looking back,

384
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:13,760
 it was the first time in my life that my feelings didn't matter,

385
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:18,200
 but my actions did. And that's, you know, that's, you know, that's a, you know,

386
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,880
 that's, that's, that's where the magic happens initially. And, uh, you know,

387
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:26,200
 I started driving the van in the mission to the Pacific route meetings.

388
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:31,680
 I went through the steps with Tim and Clancy became my, my sponsor. And, uh,

389
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,760
 you know, he passed away like four years ago and I missed him,

390
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:38,560
 missed the hell out of me. Uh, you know, it was like a grandfather to me,

391
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:41,480
 you know, I got in the middle of the Pacific route.

392
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:45,560
 I got in the middle and I'm still in the middle of the room. I still, you know,

393
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:49,600
 it's, you know, I'm dancing. I'm not, I'm not changing, I'm not changing.

394
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:52,960
 I'm not changing anything. I look back and we're like,

395
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:57,560
 why would I change? I have 11 years, I don't have a decent life today.

396
00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:02,040
 Why would I, why would I change anything I'm doing? You know, but you know what,

397
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,160
 sometimes I'll get, I'll get bright ideas. Like, you know,

398
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:05,960
 it's not a good foundation now. You know,

399
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,520
 I think I need to be like going to this mini meeting.

400
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,120
 I don't need to be in the middle of this, you know,

401
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:15,120
 and then, and then I was like, no, no, no.

402
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,360
 It's just another bright idea. Just, you know, my,

403
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:21,720
 my disease trying to sell me again. It's always trying to sell me on,

404
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:26,280
 on a good idea. So I went through the steps and you know,

405
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,000
 I got to make amends to my son, you know,

406
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:33,280
 and everybody is so classy saying, okay,

407
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:37,440
 he's coming out today. Do I write a letter and read it to him?

408
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:40,280
 When he gets off the plane, do I do this? Do I do that? He looks at me,

409
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,120
 he goes, if you do kid, he goes, put on a college shirt,

410
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:46,720
 shave and just be a good AA. Now get the hell out of my office. And you know,

411
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:50,080
 it's the simple AA advice that has,

412
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:53,760
 that has really held me in good sense. Just good old,

413
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:57,040
 simple AA advice. And, uh, you know, I got,

414
00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:00,520
 my mom passed away in 2017, but I got to, you know,

415
00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:03,760
 I got to make the amends to her and, you know,

416
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:08,760
 when she was in a facility and they wanted to move her to a lesser facility for

417
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:12,760
 money, I got to contribute and keep her in the nicer facility. So I got to,

418
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,400
 and you know, I gotta tell you, I wouldn't want,

419
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:19,840
 I don't even want to know what that would feel like if I didn't have a chance to

420
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,440
 make it right. And I got you guys to thank for that.

421
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:25,440
 I got you guys to thank for that. I got, and you know, my sister,

422
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:29,360
 my sister had me deliver the eulogy at a funeral, you know, and you know,

423
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:32,520
 you know, I got to make things right. And you know,

424
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:36,360
 I used to sit at the mission on the smoke deck and look at the skyline,

425
00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:40,680
 you know, downtown and then coming up 58 years old, look at,

426
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,320
 I'm never going to be a part of that again. I forget,

427
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:47,360
 I'm washed up who's going to hire me, you know, you know, so it's always there,

428
00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:49,720
 you know, the negativity and, you know,

429
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:53,960
 I looked at these people on a Wednesday night in the, you know,

430
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:57,560
 at the time it was at the synagogue, the big meeting. And I looked and,

431
00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:01,040
 you know, I believe these people, that was the only thing I had to hold up.

432
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:04,560
 I believe they were like me and they got better and they looked like they were

433
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:08,640
 having good lives. Made me believe I could do it. And, you know,

434
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:12,280
 working in that property manager, now I do a lot of different personalities.

435
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:15,760
 It's, it's, you know, I have nine buildings, I do projects,

436
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:19,600
 and it's a lot of stress, but you know, the, uh, I take this,

437
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:22,960
 I take this program, I take it with me to work, you know,

438
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:26,240
 I just showing up at meetings and being a secretary.

439
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:30,440
 It's not going to do with me. You know, work the steps,

440
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:34,480
 I live the steps every day. They try to live them, you know, my, you know,

441
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:39,320
 I got a difficult tenant and you know, it's always in the back of my mind,

442
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:42,920
 with glance, he told me, kindness kid, you can't go wrong with kindness.

443
00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:44,720
 You can never go wrong with kindness.

444
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:48,240
 That's like the full position for the rest of your life, kindness. And then,

445
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,880
 you know, he told me, you go to work. When you go to work, say yes,

446
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:55,360
 and keep your mouth shut. That's it. Just say yes and keep your mouth shut.

447
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:59,440
 And you know, I have a great relationship with my boss. Uh,

448
00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:03,880
 I'm valued at work. You know, it's, it's stressful sometimes. I'm thinking,

449
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:07,720
 I'm thinking, I'll think sometime. This is, this is alcoholism.

450
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:09,880
 You didn't get sober to be asleep. You know,

451
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:17,480
 they actually, what is this? You know, and you know,

452
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:20,600
 and then I tell myself you were sitting at the mission.

453
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:23,040
 You're at the mission sitting there looking at the skyline.

454
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:26,320
 Now look at you today. You know, you got a nice place. You live in Venice.

455
00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:28,720
 You go to the beach, your bodyboard, your body serve,

456
00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:31,440
 but I didn't get sober to be asleep. You know,

457
00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:36,200
 and I didn't, you know, when I went through the steps, I didn't, you know,

458
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:39,040
 I had the spiritual way, but not, I have a disease.

459
00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:42,360
 And it's always going to be with me. It's always going to talk to me.

460
00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:46,160
 And I'm okay with that. As long as I know that. And I don't panic when,

461
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:48,880
 you know, when I'm feeling out of sorts, you know, and you know,

462
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:51,360
 as long as I'm around new people, I'll be okay.

463
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:55,040
 As long as I do what we do in here, I'll be okay. You know, and I, you know,

464
00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:58,400
 I have a God in my life. I hit my knees every morning. You know, uh,

465
00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:01,520
 I go to five meetings a week still. I secretary a meeting,

466
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:05,280
 I sponsor guys and I do what we do in here because, you know,

467
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:09,120
 I don't want to be sitting in that pre-admit bunk. Yeah. And then,

468
00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:12,680
 and I'd be lucky if I even made it to the pre-admit bunk, the way I drink,

469
00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:16,960
 you know, I'm an alcoholic, uh, the, you know, a hardcore,

470
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:20,480
 I'm a hardcore alcoholic and you guys saved me.

471
00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:23,400
 I'd like to thank you for listening and God bless.