1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,320 - Hi everyone, I'm Rae, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:06,920 And thanks to Bennett for asking me to come out to speak. 3 00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:09,840 Really glad to be here, I've had a warm welcome tonight. 4 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,040 And I'm really happy to be in a meeting 5 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:13,380 with Alcoholics Anonymous. 6 00:00:13,380 --> 00:00:17,000 And so I've been at this meeting before 7 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,120 when I was at the last location. 8 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:22,280 And if any of you saw me at the previous meetings 9 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,360 before I was in a really bad spot in my sobriety, 10 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:26,320 I was sitting in the rooms contemplating, 11 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:27,440 do I wanna stay sober? 12 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:29,720 And I was coming to these meetings and it was same thing. 13 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:32,320 I walked into the rooms, not a vision for you, 14 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:35,760 not approachable and everyone would still welcome me 15 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:37,720 to the meeting, ask me how I'm doing. 16 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:39,160 And I didn't wanna be here. 17 00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:40,800 So if you're new and you're sitting in the room 18 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:41,920 and you're like, I don't wanna be here. 19 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,280 If you have some time and you're sitting in the room 20 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:44,980 and you're thinking, I don't know 21 00:00:44,980 --> 00:00:46,820 if I wanna do this anymore. 22 00:00:46,820 --> 00:00:49,420 I understand, I've been there before, I've sat in the rooms 23 00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:51,840 and I just kept coming back to the rooms 24 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:55,200 despite how I felt and because I had the support system, 25 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:56,640 I had friends who were coming to this meeting 26 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,800 and were like, Rae, come to the meeting tonight, 27 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,720 come out with us, right? 28 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:01,700 And I'm really grateful for that. 29 00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:03,280 I'm really grateful for my sobriety. 30 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:07,640 I've been sober since December 6th of 2011. 31 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,740 I got a sponsor and my home group is this Pacific group. 32 00:01:10,740 --> 00:01:14,560 And I'll tell you my story. 33 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,240 So I grew up in Northern California. 34 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:20,360 I was born in San Francisco and my parents raised us 35 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:22,400 in the Napa Valley, so wine country. 36 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,120 And people are like, oh, it's such a beautiful place. 37 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:26,860 I'm like, it's boring as hell as a kid. 38 00:01:26,860 --> 00:01:29,120 There's nothing to do, there's tourists coming 39 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,400 to drink and enjoy the vineyards. 40 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:35,180 And I just did not, and already, right? 41 00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:38,200 Restless, irritable and discontent for my earliest memories. 42 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,560 I don't like anything, I don't wanna be where I'm at. 43 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,920 I don't like myself, you hate me, but I hate you more. 44 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:49,920 So I don't, and I just have a fear for people growing up. 45 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:52,420 I don't like being around people 46 00:01:52,420 --> 00:01:54,040 because I always have the thought like, 47 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,440 are you thinking something about me? 48 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,000 'Cause I'm thinking something about you 49 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:58,560 and like, is this okay? 50 00:01:58,560 --> 00:01:59,900 Am I okay? 51 00:01:59,900 --> 00:02:03,140 And just like the constant thought like through my head. 52 00:02:03,140 --> 00:02:05,360 And I remember as a kid, like people would be like, 53 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:06,200 what goes through your head? 54 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,360 I'm like, a lot of stuff. 55 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,960 And they're like racing, people tried to get it out of me, 56 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,600 but then that also like made me so introverted 57 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,740 'cause I just thought if I ever said 58 00:02:15,740 --> 00:02:17,920 what was going on in my head, I would like explode. 59 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,500 And my mom used to tell me about like spontaneous combustion 60 00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:22,160 so it would freak me out, right? 61 00:02:24,780 --> 00:02:26,160 Like she would be like, don't do that. 62 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:27,800 You're gonna spontaneously combust. 63 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:30,480 Like whenever we'd act bad, like she was just like... 64 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,360 - And like me and my brother, 65 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,080 so both my parents are still together. 66 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:37,920 I have one other sibling and we like, 67 00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:40,080 oh, we were just, we are those kids, 68 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,760 we would run around the neighborhood. 69 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:45,340 We would like, we would just aggravate our mom 70 00:02:45,340 --> 00:02:48,320 and they were like so bad 71 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:51,180 that sometimes she would just like fake passing out 72 00:02:51,180 --> 00:02:52,460 and like just lay there. 73 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,320 So we would leave her alone and like, 74 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,440 and then like we would just poke at her, right? 75 00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:59,960 For hours and hours, like mom, get up, get up. 76 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:00,800 We need you, we need you. 77 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:02,280 And like, we'd call her all the time 78 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:03,960 because we'd fought so much. 79 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,880 So we'd call her at work like 20 calls a day. 80 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:08,160 Like it would just, we knew her like extension. 81 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,420 Like, and the secretary would answer. 82 00:03:10,420 --> 00:03:12,620 They'd be like, Leah, you need to stop calling. 83 00:03:12,620 --> 00:03:13,600 Your mom is very busy. 84 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,800 And then we'd just call back five minutes later. 85 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,720 So me and my brother, like we were just those, 86 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:22,560 we just caused a lot of trouble growing up. 87 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:26,320 And you know, my brother came to AA before me. 88 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,960 Here's just a side story. 89 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,880 He came to AA before me. 90 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:34,520 He found God in a church group and her name, 91 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,940 like I forget her name, but he started doing that. 92 00:03:37,940 --> 00:03:40,660 And he said, he doesn't need AA. 93 00:03:40,660 --> 00:03:43,960 To this day, he is missing. 94 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,560 We don't know where he is. 95 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:46,400 The last time I talked to him, 96 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,800 he was in a full paranoia like episode. 97 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:53,320 And he like, he was like, they're coming for me. 98 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,000 Like someone like has told on me like, 99 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,760 and he was out of state the last time I know, 100 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,160 like I knew of, and you know, 101 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,260 and he's like one of the alcoholics that, you know, 102 00:04:03,260 --> 00:04:05,920 I pray for it when we pray at the end of the meeting. 103 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,520 And I'm so grateful for my surprise 104 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,560 that I still can take his call, 105 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,240 but I, and he knows where to go if he needs help. 106 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,440 So growing up in my household, you know, 107 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:18,000 my parents worked a lot, 108 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,640 even though they moved us to the Napa Valley, 109 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,760 they still worked in San Francisco. 110 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:23,880 So they were commuting a bunch. 111 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,460 We didn't see them a lot. 112 00:04:25,460 --> 00:04:27,360 We were always with babysitters 113 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:31,000 or making my mom fake pass out on the ground in the house. 114 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,400 And she, so I, 115 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:34,700 my first resentment growing up 116 00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:36,000 was that my parents didn't love me. 117 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,800 They didn't, I wasn't worth their time. 118 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,660 They didn't think I was worthy of their time. 119 00:04:40,660 --> 00:04:42,200 They wouldn't take the time off. 120 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:43,800 And that was it. 121 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,320 I just was unworthy of their love. 122 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:48,960 And, you know, my parents, 123 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,000 they never came to any of my, 124 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,840 any of my basketball games, my softball games, 125 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:53,960 any of my concerts. 126 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,020 And, and that was like the one thing, 127 00:04:56,020 --> 00:04:57,400 like I just thought that they hated me. 128 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,520 And if my own parents don't love me, no one else will. 129 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,640 And, oh, and Dan, thank you for your talk. 130 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,400 I related a lot. 131 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,720 And so growing up in a Filipino household, 132 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,360 I don't know if any of you have Filipino friends 133 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,140 or if you have been around Filipino families 134 00:05:10,140 --> 00:05:13,000 when they have parties, but there's a lot involved. 135 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,900 And that is a lot of food, 136 00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:19,800 a lot of booze and a lot of karaoke the entire day. 137 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:20,880 Or if you have Filipino neighbors 138 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,320 and you hear the karaoke machine. 139 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,640 Yeah, that's a regular weekend or a Thursday night. 140 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,900 So that was every Saturday at our house, 141 00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:30,200 everybody would come over. 142 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,360 They'd eat, drink and sing karaoke. 143 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,480 And my dad, he would sing and he would sing 144 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:35,360 and he would be drunk. 145 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:39,000 And everybody, I just adored him because every, 146 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,760 like all the attention would be focused on him. 147 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,640 He like spoke to people with like, like effortlessly. 148 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:46,000 It seemed, and for me, it was always really difficult. 149 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,300 Like if I speak, I'm gonna spontaneously combust. 150 00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:50,520 That was like the constant thought in my head as a child. 151 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:54,640 And my dad, he was just my hero. 152 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:58,200 So I would do anything to try to be like him. 153 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:02,600 And one weekend he was just drunk enough 154 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,660 that he goes, Ray, give me another Henny and Coke 155 00:06:05,660 --> 00:06:07,800 and you could have whatever you want out of the cooler. 156 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,200 And I was like, okay. 157 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,680 And I had already put it together. 158 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,720 I'm watching these people sing karaoke terribly. 159 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,120 Why would you do that to yourself? 160 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,280 Like, 'cause I'm not gonna do anything I'm not good at. 161 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,760 I'm not gonna do anything that is gonna embarrass me 162 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,520 and make you have opinions about me 163 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,760 or even tell other people that I did something terribly. 164 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,520 And so, that day I grabbed something out of the cooler. 165 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:33,500 It was like the Bartle James, like fuzzy navel wine cooler. 166 00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:34,340 I grabbed two of them. 167 00:06:34,340 --> 00:06:35,440 I went straight to the backyard. 168 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:36,560 Nobody else was out there. 169 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:38,000 And I drank that down. 170 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,200 It tasted like sparkling Kool-Aid. 171 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,480 And drank the second one down. 172 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:45,360 And I just remember sitting there like looking at the sun, 173 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,420 like, and my shoulders slumped down 174 00:06:47,420 --> 00:06:50,880 and like the lines across my forehead gone, right? 175 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:53,720 Like I just had that first like breath. 176 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:57,120 And so, and my head slowed down. 177 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,620 Like all those thoughts, right? 178 00:06:58,620 --> 00:07:00,880 That I had just slowed down for a moment. 179 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:01,720 Came back in the house. 180 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:02,880 My dad said, Ray, you wanna sing? 181 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,080 I'm like, absolutely. 182 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:05,200 It's time, right? 183 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:08,680 And I sang that day and my dad was like, good job. 184 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:09,800 Like he was so proud of me. 185 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,880 And I was like, this is part of the formula then. 186 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,300 Like this is what's gonna work. 187 00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,400 And that, you know, I didn't become a daily drinker 188 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,600 every day at the age of 12. 189 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,160 But every time we had a party, I went in those coolers 190 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:21,800 and I grabbed something and I put it in my closet. 191 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,480 I grabbed something for any other time 192 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:24,800 that like my head just got too loud. 193 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:25,880 Like I'd already put it together. 194 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:26,800 Like this is gonna help. 195 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,840 And you know, and the way that I, you know, 196 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:32,120 growing up in a Filipino Catholic household, 197 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,040 like I knew from a very young age, 198 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,200 like I was attracted to my babysitter's granddaughter 199 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:37,120 who was like my age. 200 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:39,640 And I was like, all right, like I think I'm gay. 201 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:43,600 But like my parents also being Catholic were like, 202 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:47,120 you can't like, don't be like your Auntie Daisy 203 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:48,060 who's gay, right? 204 00:07:48,060 --> 00:07:50,480 Or we're gonna kick you out of the house. 205 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,040 And I'm like eight years old, like, oh, I can't be gay. 206 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,640 And I used to go to church with them. 207 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,580 And I would pray that like whatever, 208 00:07:56,580 --> 00:07:58,300 like those feelings or whatever that was, 209 00:07:58,300 --> 00:07:59,460 I would just try to pray it away. 210 00:07:59,460 --> 00:08:00,520 Like, I don't wanna be this. 211 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:01,760 I don't wanna disappoint my parents. 212 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,800 I don't wanna give them another reason to not love me. 213 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,640 And go to church every Sunday. 214 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,920 And then I would do two a days and I'd go to like, 215 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,500 I'd go to church on Wednesdays with my friends. 216 00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:11,300 I go to Bible study and I'm like, let's, you know, 217 00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:12,460 like I wanna make it go away. 218 00:08:12,460 --> 00:08:15,240 And like whatever else is going on between my ears 219 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,560 and what goes on in my head, like pray it away. 220 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,600 And, you know, and today I'm an alcoholic, 221 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,560 still gay, but I'm, and I'm married. 222 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,240 And my mom wasn't happy about that. 223 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,280 That's another, we'll get to that part. 224 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:30,040 But, you know, I tried so hard just to change who I was 225 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,640 because like I could not, I could not be like, 226 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:34,080 I couldn't live in my family. 227 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:35,360 I'm not allowed to be who I am. 228 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:38,520 And like the alcohol really helped just to like 229 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:41,520 give me moments of peace with that 230 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,280 because it would keep me up at night as a kid 231 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,680 to think about it. 232 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:47,740 And part of feeling that way meant like I was in over, 233 00:08:47,740 --> 00:08:50,920 for me, like coping with that, like meant overachieving. 234 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,280 So I did really well in school. 235 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:53,460 I did really well in sports. 236 00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:54,640 I did really well in my music. 237 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:57,320 And that was, those were also areas where like 238 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,960 I excelled that like I didn't feel less than. 239 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,280 And so I did well in school. 240 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,520 I went on, and I finished high school. 241 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,160 And like the only thing that happened was like 242 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:08,640 I got kicked off of a couple of teams 243 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:09,800 'cause I just couldn't show up to practice 244 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,520 because I discovered that I liked being more like 245 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:14,880 the musicians after school. 246 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,160 Like that is where I found, 247 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:18,720 that's where I tried weed for the first time. 248 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,080 That's when I started drinking with my friends. 249 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,280 That's one of the things that I would collect on the weekends 250 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,320 in my closet that we would go after school 251 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,140 and go drink together, you know, and like, 252 00:09:26,140 --> 00:09:27,680 and then my head would shut off, you know, 253 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:29,240 and I'd have those moments of peace. 254 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:30,580 And I didn't have to stress myself out 255 00:09:30,580 --> 00:09:32,540 getting to basketball practice to get yelled at 256 00:09:32,540 --> 00:09:35,080 because I was usually higher drunk 257 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:36,480 when I'd go to practice anyways. 258 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,860 And I liked that, right? 259 00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:40,160 Like it was, that was fine. 260 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,200 Like that took pressure off. 261 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:42,800 Like I don't have to keep like 262 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:45,360 playing on the basketball team or overachieving. 263 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,800 And then I just, I really just stopped going to school 264 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,880 for the most part in my senior year. 265 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,600 And then I had to, they like do this thing 266 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,180 where you have to just sit in a room 267 00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:56,440 just because the state of California requires 268 00:09:56,440 --> 00:10:00,360 a certain number of hours for you to actually like graduate. 269 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:01,660 Even my grades were fine, 270 00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:04,280 but like I just didn't show up to school. 271 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:08,160 And so I did finish high school by the skin of my teeth 272 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,360 just because of hours and I got into college. 273 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,240 And so like, everything's working for me. 274 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:14,200 Everything is working for me. 275 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,300 I'm not doing anything wrong. 276 00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:17,480 And my drinking is progressing. 277 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:18,840 My using is progressing. 278 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:22,940 My ability to not show up for anything else 279 00:10:22,940 --> 00:10:24,340 is also progressing. 280 00:10:24,340 --> 00:10:27,660 And I still, you know, I'm still doing everything 281 00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:29,520 that everyone has asked me to do, right? 282 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,820 Like go to school, like get a job, make some money. 283 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,780 Everything that I'm seeing the rest of my friends do, 284 00:10:36,780 --> 00:10:37,620 I'm doing. 285 00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:39,680 So I get to drink exactly how I want to drink, right? 286 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,240 Like you can't tell me what to do 287 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,180 because I'm doing everything you expect me to. 288 00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:48,480 And, you know, eventually, you know, I'm in college 289 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,680 and I, you know, my drinking progresses. 290 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:54,200 I start the days between, like I can no longer determine 291 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,080 the days that I'm going to drink and not going to drink. 292 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:57,800 I don't have the choice anymore. 293 00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,480 I'm going to school, I'm still doing all of that. 294 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,720 But like now I have a bottle in my car 295 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,900 on my in-between classes because I need to drink. 296 00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:09,580 I need to be drunk at school and I just need to show up. 297 00:11:09,580 --> 00:11:10,700 But like, that's the one thing too. 298 00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:12,720 My parents are like, if you just go and do all these things 299 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,360 and you, you know, like we really, 300 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:15,400 what are we going to tell you? 301 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:19,640 And so I'm earning, I'm protecting my right to drink. 302 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:22,040 You know, and I finished college. 303 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:26,240 I get an internship after college 304 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:29,080 in kind of in the field that I'm in now. 305 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:32,040 And, and that's, that's all good, but I continue to drink 306 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:34,840 and I continue to use and that progressively gets worse. 307 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:39,840 And I, my girlfriend at the time, she caught, 308 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,040 she caught me cheating on her and I, 309 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,320 and I was blaming her for it. 310 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,280 And then she broke up with me. 311 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:49,240 And then I said, and then I, to get her not to leave me, 312 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,880 I tried to commit suicide also because that was my way 313 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,240 of keeping you here, right? 314 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,100 Like I need you to live. 315 00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:58,800 And part of that too was just, I was so depressed. 316 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,640 Like the drinking, the using, like everything, 317 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:01,820 like if you can't stay with me, 318 00:12:01,820 --> 00:12:03,760 no one's going to stay with me, I'm unlovable. 319 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:07,600 That whole, that whole thing in my head is still playing. 320 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,280 Like you're unworthy, you're unlovable, 321 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:10,420 no one's going to stay for you. 322 00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:14,600 And, and I try to commit suicide and, you know, 323 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,400 and she tricked me into going to the psych ward. 324 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,280 She was like, all right, let's, let's have a chat. 325 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,400 Like, let's go get breakfast. 326 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:23,960 And she, she got me Carl's Jr breakfast sandwich 327 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,280 and then took me to the psych ward. 328 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,200 So that didn't work out well for us. 329 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:31,560 But in the psych ward, they, they like did a full assessment 330 00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:33,820 and they were like, yeah, we're going to keep you. 331 00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:36,840 And one of the people working there was like, hey, do you, 332 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,240 you know, like, do you drink or use? 333 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,680 And they, at that point they had already done 334 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:40,500 a urinalysis. 335 00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:43,080 They were just asking to see if I would tell them what, 336 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,600 and I was like, oh no, no, I'm like, I mean, yeah, 337 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:46,560 like I earned it, right? 338 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,200 Like I'm a college graduate. 339 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:51,680 Like I have a job, I have a car, I'm not, you know, 340 00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:53,920 and she kind of like looked at me weird and I was like, 341 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:56,760 yeah, like I'm, I can't, I don't have a problem with it. 342 00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,080 Like I just drink and use. 343 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,100 And she's like, oh, okay, yeah, no problem. 344 00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:05,720 And like the tests come back, she talks to me about that. 345 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,340 And she's like, great, we're just, you know, 346 00:13:07,340 --> 00:13:08,840 with the things that you've been talking about, 347 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,360 it sounds like you have some, like, 348 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:11,680 some other traumas that happen. 349 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,880 Like we have some medications so that you, 350 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:17,320 that will help you to like not feel suicidal, 351 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,580 but whatever you do, like don't drink on it. 352 00:13:19,580 --> 00:13:21,680 So she gave me some antidepressants, like sent me home 353 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,140 and said like, I'll see you in a couple of weeks, 354 00:13:23,140 --> 00:13:25,120 like after the psych ward fold. 355 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,720 So I come back after two weeks and she asked me 356 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:30,320 about how the medication was going and I, you know, 357 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,240 she said, whatever you do, don't drink on the medication. 358 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:34,720 She asked me how it was going and I said, 359 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:35,840 I haven't taken it. 360 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:36,960 Why haven't you taken the medication? 361 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,240 I'm like, well, 'cause you're telling me 362 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:39,640 it's gonna take two weeks to work, 363 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:43,340 but like when I drink or when I use, it works like that. 364 00:13:43,340 --> 00:13:46,080 And she looked, she gave me that look and I was like, 365 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:47,880 I said the wrong thing right there, you know? 366 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:51,280 And she was like, do you have a problem with like alcohol? 367 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:52,920 Do you have a problem with drugs? 368 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,320 And I said, no, no, I don't have a problem. 369 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,380 Like I have a college degree, I have a job, 370 00:13:58,380 --> 00:13:59,680 I have a place to stay. 371 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:03,160 Like I'm not an episode of intervention, 372 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,660 like I don't know what you're talking about. 373 00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:08,360 She was like, okay, well, you have a couple of options, 374 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:09,520 you know, we're gonna, 375 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,480 you either start taking the medication 376 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,440 or we're gonna put you back into the psych ward 377 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,240 or you can try our treatment program. 378 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,200 I was like, absolutely. 379 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,680 Like I was just like that, those are weird options 380 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,840 because I, again, I'm not an alcoholic, you know, 381 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,800 and I don't, I'm not suicidal right now. 382 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,960 And so she was like, listen, 383 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,440 you can stay on disability leave 384 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:28,640 and you don't have to go back to work. 385 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:29,920 And that sounded like a good idea 386 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,400 'cause work was the problem then. 387 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,680 And so I stayed on disability leave 388 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:35,280 and she put me into this treatment program. 389 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,040 So not even, I wasn't even like willing to give it up. 390 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,320 I was just willing to like be off of work for two more weeks 391 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,280 'cause I do like the grippy sock vacation, right? 392 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,400 Like they medicate me heavily. 393 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,880 I don't have to think about anything. 394 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:46,880 I get to see people, 395 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,000 like there are people who are willing to help me, 396 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,360 like talk with me. 397 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:56,480 And like I went to this treatment program 398 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,240 and they, you know, they like tell you about triggers. 399 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:02,480 They tell you about, you know, like people to avoid, 400 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,000 like things to avoid doing. 401 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,080 And I was like, okay, I got it after two weeks. 402 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:07,200 Like I'm ready to go back to work. 403 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:08,880 Like I'm done with this, right? 404 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,920 And you know, they let me out on a Friday, 405 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,240 like five o'clock and like six o'clock, 406 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,520 like sitting at home. 407 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,880 I know nothing about alcoholics anonymous at this point. 408 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,640 Sitting at home, like what am I supposed to do 409 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:19,520 for the rest of the night? 410 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:21,680 'Cause I know like I'm not supposed to leave the house 411 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,040 'cause then I'm gonna drink. 412 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:24,880 'Cause I can't go out and function out in the world. 413 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,120 Like I don't know how to live my life 414 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:29,320 without using drugs or alcohol. 415 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,640 And now 605 rolls around like, 416 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:33,920 no really, what am I supposed to do? 417 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,240 And like I, at that point, like I couldn't afford cable. 418 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:37,400 It's like I have a job, 419 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,080 but like I don't manage my money well, right? 420 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:39,920 I don't have cable. 421 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:40,760 I don't have anything to watch. 422 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,400 I don't have any way to like, 423 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,920 and I'm calling all my friends after having been gone 424 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,720 during this treatment program. 425 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:49,480 And none of them are answering their phones. 426 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:50,960 None of them want to talk to me. 427 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,200 And I don't think I've caused any harm to anybody. 428 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,600 I just, I drank. 429 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:55,720 Like that doesn't hurt. 430 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,800 Like what I do hasn't like is none of your business. 431 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,200 And I'm not hurting you like by my drinking. 432 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,280 I don't think that I have any fault in that. 433 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:07,440 Meanwhile, like I have like left friends at the bar 434 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,200 because I was supposed to be designated driver. 435 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,040 And I just like, I just leave 436 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,600 if I don't want to be somewhere when I'm drinking. 437 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,800 Like you will lose me when we go out. 438 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,600 And you know, and I dip out on friends 439 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,200 when I promise that I'm going to move in with them 440 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,440 and pay them rent and like not pay them anything, right? 441 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,280 Or I just like stop talking to people 442 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,280 or I don't like, I don't call you anymore 443 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,680 if you don't have anything to contribute to my life. 444 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,640 And, and I don't think I'm hurting anybody. 445 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:32,040 I'm just protecting my right to drink 446 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,520 and I'm just doing what I have to do. 447 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,000 And that's really none of your business. 448 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,640 So like 610 rolls around, no one's called me back. 449 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:43,040 615 rolls around and like the liquor store down the street, 450 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,080 I remember that it's like, it's open. 451 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,520 Like I can get a couple of tall cans, like no problem. 452 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:50,160 And I'm like, well, yeah, it wasn't like six, you know, 453 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,080 635, like it wasn't that bad, was it? 454 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,880 You know, and like just each five minute increment, 455 00:16:55,880 --> 00:17:00,080 like the, like I have no choice 456 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,320 over whether or not I'm going to drink. 457 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,880 I'm going to drink, I have no higher power. 458 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,320 I have no knowledge of alcohol, it's anonymous. 459 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,400 And that night I walked down, you know, 460 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:08,520 I walked down to the liquor store, 461 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:09,600 I grabbed two tall cans 462 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:13,040 and a fifth of UV blue raspberry vodka. 463 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:16,120 I drink it all and I drink that all. 464 00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:18,160 And I decided it was a good idea to like drive over 465 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,600 to my ex-girlfriend's house and throw rocks at her window. 466 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,560 'Cause like if we worked it out, 467 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,120 if that would have solved everything. 468 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:29,120 And yeah, that did not. 469 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:33,040 I did have one buddy, he would call me 470 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,320 like while I was in treatment. 471 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,920 And I didn't know this until after I came out of treatment. 472 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,400 He was like, "Bae, where have you been? 473 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,440 Like, I haven't heard from you." 474 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:43,120 And I was like, "Look, I'm just trying to stop drinking. 475 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:44,040 I don't know what I'm supposed to do." 476 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,000 And he's like, "Listen, I've been clean and sober 477 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,840 and Alcoholics Anonymous for eight years. 478 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,840 Like, I'm willing to help you." 479 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:51,880 And I'd be like, he'd be like, 480 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:52,880 "Let me take you to a meeting." 481 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,040 I'm like, "I can't leave my house or I'm gonna drink." 482 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,760 You know, and I'm telling him these things. 483 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,680 I have no idea what Alcoholics Anonymous is. 484 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,880 And he, you know, he keeps calling me. 485 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:01,960 And at that point I'm like, 486 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,400 "I don't know what he has to offer. 487 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,760 I don't know what I'm supposed to get like from him." 488 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:07,480 But he keeps calling me. 489 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:08,960 And then one night he just says, 490 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:11,360 "Rhea, listen, look, I have a girl for you to meet tonight. 491 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,640 Like, I'm gonna pick you up at six o'clock. 492 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:17,320 Just be ready." And so I think he has a girl for me to meet. 493 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,280 I'm like, "That's a plan." 494 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,680 So he picks me up at six o'clock. 495 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,240 He takes me over, it's a Wednesday night. 496 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:24,320 He takes me over the hill 497 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:25,720 and he takes me to Pacific group. 498 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,240 And I walk into that meeting 499 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:29,800 and there's a bunch of people there. 500 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,480 I'm overwhelmed, but I'm like, he's like, 501 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,000 "No, no, no, I have somebody for you to meet." 502 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,560 Like, so I don't have to pick her out. 503 00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:36,920 He's picking her for me. 504 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:41,840 And he introduces me to my sponsor who, 505 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,000 but I think it's a date because I don't know 506 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,000 about Alcoholics Anonymous. 507 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,040 And so he's introducing me to his friend 508 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,920 who is still my sponsor today. 509 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,840 And she's like, "Hi, my name is Sarah." 510 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,440 And I'm like, "Hi, I'm Rhea." 511 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,480 And she was like, "Are you, you're friends with Doug? 512 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:57,320 Okay, great." 513 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:59,000 And she would, she walked me around the meeting 514 00:18:59,000 --> 00:18:59,840 and she was like, 515 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,680 "Has anyone given you a meeting directory yet?" 516 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:02,800 And I'm like, "No." 517 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,360 And so she gets a meeting directory. 518 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,280 She writes her number at the very top 519 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:07,120 of the meeting directory. 520 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:08,120 And she's like, "Call me every day." 521 00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,520 And I'm like, "Yeah, I will." 522 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,320 And she's like, "Oh, do you smoke? 523 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:13,280 You can go outside. 524 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:14,360 And like, when you go smoke, 525 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,480 like go get some numbers from other women." 526 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:17,520 And I was like, "Like that? 527 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:18,360 Okay, cool." 528 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,680 Like, so I think like it's an open relationship. 529 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,840 And so I'm out there getting numbers from women. 530 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:25,720 And then at the end of the night after the meeting, 531 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,600 I don't really remember much about my first meeting, 532 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,240 but at the end of the night, 533 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,240 she was like, "If no one's told you today, 534 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:32,680 I love you and I'll see you tomorrow." 535 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:33,840 And I was like, "Sounds good. 536 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:34,760 Like, love you too. 537 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:35,920 This is gonna work, right?" 538 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,040 And I'm like, "I love Alcoholics Anonymous." 539 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,720 So my motives are terrible, you know, like for two weeks, 540 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,080 I'm trying to like Mack on my sponsor. 541 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,240 And then like, we met up for a step work 542 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:47,960 and she was like, "I don't know what anybody's told you, 543 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,160 but like, I'm only..." 544 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,920 She goes, "I'm only here to give freely 545 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:52,760 what was given to me. 546 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:54,840 And that is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. 547 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:55,880 I'm here to walk you through the steps 548 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,760 and help you find the connection with the higher power 549 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,080 so that you can go and help another alcoholic. 550 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:01,880 And that's all it is." 551 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:04,280 You know, and other people were like, "She's dating somebody." 552 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,840 You know, I just, I was really confused in the moment. 553 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,800 And once we cleared that up, you know, 554 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,680 and I really reflect, like reflecting on it, right? 555 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,240 Like I'm thinking, growing up, 556 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,560 I'm thinking that my parents, they don't love me. 557 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,200 They're unable to show up for me. 558 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:20,600 That I'm unlovable and worthy. 559 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,120 And here's this woman who, you know, 560 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,080 every time I call her to check in, she's like, 561 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,000 "Ray, how can I help you stay sober today?" 562 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,640 And every Sunday before the Ohio street meeting, 563 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:30,640 she would bring her big book. 564 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,640 She'd tell me to bring my big book and a notebook 565 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,400 and sit with me to do step work 566 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,560 because she just wanted me to stay sober. 567 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,960 And I, and like today I know as a sponsor, right? 568 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,880 Like it's good for my sobriety to be working with others, 569 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,880 but like as a new person walking in the room, 570 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,960 like I'm like, "I don't know how to pay you back." 571 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,880 And she's like, "You just do the steps 572 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,400 and then you help another person." 573 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:51,240 That's it. 574 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,880 And you know, like I think I'm absolutely unlovable, 575 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:57,080 absolutely unworthy of it, but man, you know, 576 00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:58,920 that it was the first act of kindness 577 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,520 I had felt in a really long time. 578 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,440 And like, as somebody, as a sober member 579 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,560 of Alcoholics Anonymous who gets to sponsor people, 580 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,880 like it is a beautiful thing to like sit across the table 581 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:10,400 from another person and walk them through the steps 582 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,440 and then watch the light come on in their eyes. 583 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,440 You know, and my first year of sobriety, 584 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,960 my sponsor said, "You're gonna go to seven meetings a week. 585 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,960 You're gonna do all of the activities 586 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:21,920 your home group has to offer. 587 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,800 We go to Clancy's house on Saturdays. 588 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,880 You know, we do the yard, we do the moves, the watches, 589 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,280 everything, you're gonna do everything." 590 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:29,640 And I thought it was so severe 591 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,560 because I still had a college degree. 592 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,320 I had a job, I didn't lose everything. 593 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:35,720 And she's like, "But did you drink every day?" 594 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,360 And I was like, "Yeah, I absolutely did." 595 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,960 And she's like, "So we do something every day about it." 596 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,080 And that was it. 597 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:42,920 Like there was just no negotiating that. 598 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:44,400 And I was like, you know, 599 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:45,960 so I did everything in my first year 600 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,160 and I told you my parents had never been to one of my games 601 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,400 and first softball tournament that was local. 602 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,000 My sponsor shows up and she, 603 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,080 during my first year I got the name Little Bear 604 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,880 from my softball team because like from the outside 605 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,480 it just was like scary, not approachable. 606 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,640 And, but on the inside I was like really wanted 607 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:06,640 to be close to you and like have relationships with people. 608 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,080 So I got Little Bear like Care Bear. 609 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,360 I was like, "Let's drop the care part. 610 00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:13,280 Let's just keep the bear part." 611 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:17,040 And my sponsor shows up to the first tournament that's local 612 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,080 and she's wearing a shirt that says Mama Bear. 613 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,560 She's sitting in the stands, it's like so hot outside. 614 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:23,320 The whole day she just stays out there. 615 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,880 She watches me play and she's cheering me on, 616 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,280 cheering on the rest of the team. 617 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:31,000 And like that's alcoholic phenomenon. 618 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,480 It was like, we have the ability to show up 619 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:35,520 in somebody's life just like they just need some love. 620 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,520 They just need, they just need people to show up for them. 621 00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:40,880 And so my sponsor has taught me to do the same things, 622 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,200 show up for my sponsors, 623 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,360 show up for all of the AA things that we do 624 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,720 because the miracles that I see in alcohol 625 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,760 and synonymous is just an absolute beautiful thing. 626 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:53,200 And it reminds me that there's like, there is a God. 627 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:58,360 I wanna talk a little bit about the last year 628 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,640 and kind of how some of the things that have happened, 629 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:03,880 you know, I got engaged to my wife 630 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:07,000 and I called my parents when that happened. 631 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:08,680 And my dad, you know, my dad had, 632 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:09,920 ever since I've gotten sober, 633 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,480 my dad had this huge like turnaround of like, 634 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:14,560 look, I love you, I just want you to be alive. 635 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:15,880 I just want you to be happy. 636 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,080 And my mom was like, is this my fault? 637 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:20,000 Like, I don't know how to talk to you. 638 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,200 Like, I don't know how to be close to you. 639 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,760 And we just, you know, 640 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,240 my sponsor told me to just continue sending the cards, 641 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:27,760 continue calling them regularly 642 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,120 and like let that relationship play out, you know, 643 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:31,960 but I could still show up to it. 644 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:33,640 And I'm sure I got engaged. 645 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,240 I called my parents and my dad was like, 646 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:36,760 congrats, like, I love you guys. 647 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,520 Like, you know, so happy for you. 648 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:40,280 Like, let me know if there's anything I can do. 649 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:41,880 I called my mom and she's like, okay, 650 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,400 I'll pray for you guys and hung up the phone. 651 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:46,080 Man, that was a tough year, right? 652 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:47,160 Because I'm like, how am I? 653 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,800 And I was like, I don't know how I'm supposed to ask her 654 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:49,640 to show up for me. 655 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:50,520 And my sponsor was like, 656 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,480 you just get to continue sending the cards. 657 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:54,080 You get to continue calling her, 658 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,640 like just keep showing up. 659 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:58,040 And like one thing that my sponsor taught me was like, 660 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,280 we just get to keep doing the footwork, right? 661 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:01,760 And so I continue to do that. 662 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:05,280 And you know, and then my wife's mom called my mom 663 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:08,360 and then her sis, my aunties called my mom 664 00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:10,080 and they were like, Ray, I just want you to show up. 665 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,000 You don't have to, you don't have to accept it. 666 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,040 Like, or you don't have to show up. 667 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:16,080 She just needs to know whether or not you're gonna be there 668 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,640 because it's expensive per plate 669 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,880 and somebody else wants to go at this point, right? 670 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,400 Like another one of my aunties wanna go 671 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:23,800 is during the pandemic. 672 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,640 She's like, well, if Gloria is not gonna go, 673 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:27,120 I'm gonna go, I'm gonna take that seat. 674 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:30,240 And, but with the help, like, you know, 675 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,760 my friends through this engagement party 676 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,600 and like they all talked about how much they love, 677 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,120 you know, me and like me and my wife 678 00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:40,720 and like how Alcoholics Anonymous is like, 679 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:43,400 just like made us who we are today. 680 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,440 And my mom's sitting on, it's a Zoom call 681 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,120 'cause it's COVID, she's sitting on the call 682 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:49,640 and she's crying and she's crying. 683 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,880 She goes, you know, she decides that she wants to talk 684 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:54,720 and I'm like, this is gonna be wild, right? 685 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,680 Like, I don't know if she's gonna have a moment 686 00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,800 where she's like, this is wrong and just like log off. 687 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:00,920 But she gets on the call and she's like, you know, Ray, 688 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,920 it's always just, it's always been so hard to like raise you 689 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,440 you've been so independent and so closed off 690 00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:07,800 and so introverted. 691 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,240 I haven't known how to be your mom. 692 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,120 And like in that moment, 693 00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:14,560 like it was just like complete forgiveness, right? 694 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:17,160 Like she doesn't, she's doing the best she can 695 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,680 with what she has and like, and my sponsor was like, 696 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,640 she showed up and then because of that 697 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:24,320 and she showed up to the wedding and she had a great time. 698 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,400 There's great pictures of my mom dancing 699 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:27,440 at the wedding. 700 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,400 But the last year, which I haven't told my mom 701 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,800 is that we've been trying to have a baby. 702 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,080 And so we've been going through this fertility process 703 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,600 and in my sobriety, I've had this thing where like, 704 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:40,000 I do the footwork, I take the next indicated action, 705 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:41,480 I get results, I do the footwork, 706 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,880 I take the next indicated action and get results. 707 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:45,600 And I've been, we've been doing the footwork, 708 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:46,920 we've been showing up to the appointments, 709 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,640 we've been taking the actions and we're not pregnant, right? 710 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,560 And it's the next cycle, we do the footwork, 711 00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:54,160 we go to the appointments and not pregnant. 712 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:57,000 And we've done that four times this year. 713 00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,200 And, you know, we took a break this summer. 714 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,960 It is really hard, it's really challenging. 715 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:05,240 And like, I'm so grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous. 716 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:06,680 You know, I've been talking to my friends about it 717 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,680 and I had one of my buddies call me on Thursday 718 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,680 and he's like, look, I know you guys are going through it, 719 00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:13,880 but if there's anything that I can do to help, 720 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:14,920 like let me help you. 721 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:16,360 And I was like, I don't wanna be weird, 722 00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:18,000 but I don't know how you're gonna help us. 723 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:19,880 And he was like, no, no, no, not like me, 724 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,920 not like me helping you guys like that. 725 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,520 'Cause I'm thinking he wants to be baby daddy. 726 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,440 And he goes, no, no, no, like if you want, 727 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:29,720 if you want me to rally the troops, 728 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,160 like we can do a GoFundMe. 729 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,040 If you, if like, 'cause the process is also really expensive. 730 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,280 If he's like, if you just need people to send meals 731 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:37,760 on the days that you have those, 732 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,120 those like really intense appointments, I'll do that. 733 00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:41,220 Like, no problem. 734 00:26:41,220 --> 00:26:42,840 Other people are happy to take commitments 735 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:44,120 to support you guys. 736 00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:46,480 And, you know, and I'm not thinking about that. 737 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:49,480 I'm like, I gotta do it all on my own. 738 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,600 There's no God, right, that all of that happened. 739 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:53,000 All of that has gone through my mind. 740 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,300 And one thing I like, like God is in everything. 741 00:26:56,300 --> 00:26:59,200 And I will say that my relationship with God has changed. 742 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,120 I had the Catholic God coming in, 743 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:02,320 like trying to make that right. 744 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:06,040 And, you know, over the years, with my sobriety, 745 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:09,280 like my God is a combination of like the Fab Five 746 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:12,640 and RuPaul, like we work every day, right? 747 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,600 I don't hit my knees unless, you know, like I don't, 748 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,080 I don't hit my knees to pray anymore. 749 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,440 You know, the only time like my God would have me hit my 750 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:23,320 knees is when I'm twerking at, you know, at a dance club. 751 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:25,400 And that's pretty much it. 752 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:28,700 And like, I was told, like, I was told, 753 00:27:28,700 --> 00:27:29,880 you gotta hit your knees to pray. 754 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:31,720 And that was the only way to pray. 755 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,840 And what I've learned is like, I get to have my own God. 756 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:37,560 Like, it's not that like other people find it serious. 757 00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:39,920 Like my God is not that serious with me 758 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:43,380 because I cannot hear a message that is like stuffy. 759 00:27:43,380 --> 00:27:46,080 And so, and having that kind of God 760 00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:48,640 where I can approach my higher power 761 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,520 and say like struggling, what are we supposed to do today? 762 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:53,960 And I get the girl go to work, you know, 763 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,000 like lip sync for your life. 764 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,240 Like today we're going to lip sync for our lives. 765 00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:01,320 And, and that helps me stay sober like one day at a time. 766 00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:04,320 And like the, the relationship that I've gotten to develop 767 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,920 with my higher power also allows me to like sponsor people 768 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,520 really well, like it can be anything, any, 769 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:12,880 anything my higher power can be is mine, right? 770 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:15,960 And I will say, you know, I've had, 771 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:18,280 I've had the honor and privilege of sponsoring women 772 00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:19,120 in this program. 773 00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:22,160 And I've also had, you know, 774 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,760 I've also had to be part of like burying sponsees. 775 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,600 I got to participate in young peoples 776 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:30,420 and I've gotten sponsees out of there. 777 00:28:30,420 --> 00:28:33,160 And, and it gets sometimes, you know, 778 00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:35,620 like being young feels invincible. 779 00:28:35,620 --> 00:28:38,300 And I've watched a lot of people leave and come back 780 00:28:38,300 --> 00:28:40,320 and leave and not come back. 781 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:42,920 And I've had, like, I had to get right with God on that. 782 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:45,960 I've had friends die not from alcoholism and die from cancer. 783 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,520 And I tell you the thing about my higher powers 784 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:50,740 because like that is the higher power that I have today. 785 00:28:50,740 --> 00:28:52,900 And when that was happening in my life, 786 00:28:52,900 --> 00:28:54,760 like I blamed God for everything. 787 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:58,060 And those were the times that I was coming in this meeting. 788 00:28:58,060 --> 00:28:59,920 Like, I don't want to be here anymore. 789 00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:02,240 I could not find a higher power that I could connect to 790 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,120 because I thought God was punishing me. 791 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:06,040 Like you make me gay in a Catholic family 792 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:07,240 and you take away my friends. 793 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:09,560 Like when I, like when we're doing all of the stuff 794 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:11,280 that worked, like we're trying to stay sober. 795 00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:13,240 Like, why are you taking people away? 796 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:17,360 And an old timer reminded, you know, she told me, 797 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:20,160 she's like, God isn't like the reason 798 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:21,780 that bad things happen. 799 00:29:21,780 --> 00:29:23,240 God is what gets us through. 800 00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:25,200 And that like changed my perspective 801 00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,280 just long enough for me to sit here 802 00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,800 and like rethink like my third step practice 803 00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:32,320 and like my relationship with my higher power 804 00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:35,920 so that I could continue to stay sober, you know? 805 00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:39,720 And I had, I just, between four and five was really tough. 806 00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:41,720 I just did not want to, I didn't want to do it. 807 00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:43,040 I didn't know how I was going to have a life 808 00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:46,240 in Alcoholics Anonymous because I got sober young 809 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:48,440 and I didn't really think it was fair, 810 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:50,800 but I'm really grateful for my sobriety today. 811 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:53,760 You know, the things that have happened in my life, 812 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:56,000 like I have traveled all over the world. 813 00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:58,200 I never thought I would be able to do that. 814 00:29:58,200 --> 00:29:59,680 And I, and that was one of the things 815 00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:01,160 I told my sponsor very early on. 816 00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:02,000 She was like, well, what do you want to do? 817 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:03,680 And I was like, I just want to travel. 818 00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:05,880 Like I don't see that I would ever get the opportunity 819 00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:06,720 to have money. 820 00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:09,460 And you know, in the last 12 years, 821 00:30:09,460 --> 00:30:12,480 I've gotten to hit nearly every continent 822 00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:15,240 and I'm so grateful for that. 823 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:16,520 But my time is up. 824 00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:18,160 If you are new, welcome. 825 00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:19,000 I hope you stay. 826 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:21,440 I hope you find what I've found here. 827 00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:23,680 And that's my time. 828 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:24,520 Thank you.