1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,160 - Hello, my name's Jim and I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:03,780 - Hey there. 3 00:00:03,780 --> 00:00:05,720 - Thank you everybody for welcoming me. 4 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:08,320 Thank you, Enrique, for the 10 minute talk. 5 00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:10,400 Enjoyed it, leading the meeting. 6 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:13,920 First, I'd like to start off by saying 7 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:14,860 I've been sober a while. 8 00:00:14,860 --> 00:00:17,360 I got a sobriety date, 3/31/92. 9 00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:19,080 I got a sponsor, Paul C. 10 00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:22,040 And Pacific Group is my home group. 11 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:23,800 You know, before I get started on my talk 12 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,180 of what it was like and what happened, 13 00:00:25,180 --> 00:00:29,480 I'd like to say, you know, the friendships over the years. 14 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:32,880 I mean, drinking worked for me for a long time, you know? 15 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:35,440 I mean, I partied and I had a great time. 16 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:37,320 I started at the age of 13. 17 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,440 But you know, friends are far and few between. 18 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:40,640 You know, you think you got friends, 19 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:42,880 you're out there drinking and you know, what happened? 20 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:45,520 You know, I'd go out to a beer fest with my friends 21 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:48,880 and they left with a chick or whatever, you know? 22 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,720 Then, well, there's my ride home, you know? 23 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:53,560 But you know, it was feast or famine. 24 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:55,280 And you know, like I've been sober a while. 25 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:56,320 And you know, just recently, 26 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,760 I just wanted to kind of touch base on, 27 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,960 we went four wheeling, three of us alcoholics. 28 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,500 And one of the guys truck broke down. 29 00:01:04,500 --> 00:01:06,600 And this was like, no, this was a big deal 30 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:07,800 because we couldn't fix it. 31 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,140 I mean, we had everything under the sun 32 00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:12,240 and we got three good guys to glue anything together 33 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,080 and get it out of there. 34 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:15,060 I mean, I've pulled people off a mountain 35 00:01:15,060 --> 00:01:17,440 to get towed by AAA. 36 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:19,120 And when I looked under that thing, I said, 37 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,120 "Oh my God, we are effed." 38 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,680 And we just, it was perfect. 39 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:24,920 I guess it was God's will. 40 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,920 We were bumping and jumping for a whole day. 41 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:30,120 And we covered a whole, 42 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,700 not even two miles to get up this hill. 43 00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:35,720 And it broke down right at the perfect place 44 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:37,640 where it backed into a hole. 45 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:38,920 And that's where we left it. 46 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,360 And you know, if it had happened anywhere else, 47 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:42,920 you know, we would have been in trouble. 48 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:45,240 But the thing of it is, we all stuck together. 49 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:46,960 The three of us were friends. 50 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,320 You know, we went out there and we were like glue. 51 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:51,920 We packed it up, we left, 52 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,120 we still enjoyed the other two days. 53 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:57,080 And the three of us went back and got that thing running. 54 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,360 I can tell you, when I was out there drinking and using 55 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,640 with all my pals, my good friends, 56 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,520 none of them would have went back with me, you know. 57 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:05,680 Nobody would have stuck. 58 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,800 These guys, we're dedicated, you know. 59 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:10,800 These guys I've known for, you know, 32 years. 60 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,960 I've known Nolan and some of the people in this room know me, 61 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:14,900 call me by name. 62 00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:17,880 I don't even know who they are sometimes. 63 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:21,800 I recognize the lady who greeted me and all that. 64 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:26,280 And I'm still trying to put a point on where I've met her. 65 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,160 So anyway, what it was like. 66 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,360 What it was like, I was a kid growing up in Connecticut. 67 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:31,440 I had a pretty good home life. 68 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:32,960 You know, I had really strict parents. 69 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:36,320 My parents were the type that, you know. 70 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:39,360 You know, I still, at 32 years of sobriety, 71 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,760 I work on my self-esteem. 72 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,760 My self-esteem is super, super low. 73 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,200 I mean, you know, my dad, I remember, 74 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,840 I loved to get into mechanic stuff. 75 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,720 And they got me into a high school. 76 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:52,120 So all guys school and I learned about cars. 77 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,000 And, you know, I took automotive. 78 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,120 I remember I worked on his car and this is, you know, 79 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,120 it was a mistake. 80 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:57,960 Something was wrong. 81 00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,360 I did everything to the book, 82 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,760 specifications and it didn't work out. 83 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:03,520 And when I bought it home to him, 84 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:05,080 so I knew I shouldn't have trusted you. 85 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,280 He messed it all up. 86 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,960 And so luckily for me, you know, 87 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,640 and I'm a people pleaser because of the strict upbringing. 88 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,040 They never, nobody ever told me 89 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:13,640 about the good things that I did. 90 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,800 They only told me about where I went wrong. 91 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,680 You know, and that was the old school way, you know. 92 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,560 And Alcoholics Anonymous is teach, 93 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,560 teach and taught me a better way to raise children 94 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,320 because you know, I worked the 12 steps of AA. 95 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,520 So one of the things that I really felt, 96 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:29,360 felt kind of worried about, 97 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,040 first of all, I had two sisters, you know, 98 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:32,480 and that kind of pissed me off. 99 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:33,880 I always wanted a brother. 100 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,400 You know, I had lots of friends that had like five brothers. 101 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:38,680 They lived in a room, they fought, they did things, 102 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,200 you know, and that looked like something 103 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:41,840 that was very attractive to me. 104 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,320 And all I had was two sisters 105 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,040 and I was the baby of the family. 106 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:48,640 So I was pampered and catered to. 107 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,960 And the women in my life always took care of me. 108 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:54,240 So, you know, I remember they used to tickle me 109 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,680 because they love to see my dimples 110 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,600 and all this kind of stuff. 111 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:00,760 They made fun of me and all that kind of stuff. 112 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,340 So I always felt less than, you know. 113 00:04:02,340 --> 00:04:05,240 And you know, now after I've been sober a while, 114 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,280 I realize, you know, those smiles and those dimples, 115 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,640 they're not too bad when you go in 116 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,000 and try to get a date, you know. 117 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,520 So I always felt kind of like, you know, 118 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,520 there was something wrong with, you know. 119 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,040 You know, it was a given, you know. 120 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,120 I never felt like I fit in, it's the same old story, you know. 121 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:22,240 People talk about it. 122 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,680 And then, you know, the one day they took a drink 123 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:26,760 and everything changed. 124 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:31,440 So for me, I remember, you know, just having trouble. 125 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:32,880 I was one of those kids that, you know, 126 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,360 in fact, my oldest one, he's 33 now, he's working. 127 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,800 And you know, he still likes to drink, 128 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:41,360 but Alcoholics Anonymous has taken my 33 year old 129 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,720 and made a productive citizen out of him 130 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,340 because while he was going to school 131 00:04:46,340 --> 00:04:47,920 and all the trouble he got into, 132 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,680 he worked enough AA to stay sober long enough 133 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:55,520 to get a high school diploma and get enough education 134 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:56,840 to go out there and get a job. 135 00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:59,240 And you know, he doesn't do all the other stuff, 136 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:00,160 but he still likes to drink. 137 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:01,480 So it's up to him, you know. 138 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:04,760 But he reminds me of me, you know. 139 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,240 When I went to school, it was the principal. 140 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,520 It was this, and the teacher's like, 141 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:09,760 "What's wrong with you?" 142 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,240 You know, it's like, and you know, 143 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,760 so I grew up and there really was something wrong with me. 144 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,120 I don't know, I just didn't really particularly care 145 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:18,120 about what was going on at the front of the class 146 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:20,680 or on the blackboard or in the projector. 147 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,080 I was always spaced out somewhere else 148 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,080 thinking about something else, you know. 149 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,640 That was just the way I was as a kid. 150 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,000 I got in trouble a lot 'cause I needed the attention. 151 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,160 And you know, they sent me to the principal's office 152 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,380 and back in my day, you'd never go home and say, 153 00:05:35,380 --> 00:05:37,160 "Hey mom, I got in trouble at school today." 154 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:38,000 They're like, "What'd you do?" 155 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,880 You know, it's like, and I think I got that 156 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,040 inferiority complex from my parents 157 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,440 because they never believed anything I said. 158 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:46,720 I can remember the rich kids up the street 159 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,760 said I broke their bike and my dad paid for it, 160 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,400 so I didn't touch the kid's bike, you know, 161 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:51,720 but they never believed me, you know. 162 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,560 So I had that thing where even today, 163 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,920 if somebody asks me a question and I answer it, 164 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:58,240 I think, "Well, they're not gonna believe me." 165 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,960 You know, it just kind of stays in there. 166 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,600 So one day, a friend of mine and I were like, 167 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:03,520 "Yeah, we wanna get high." 168 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,680 You know, I've always, you know, I didn't start out like, 169 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,160 you know, I took a drink, threw up, 170 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,500 and that's not my story where, you know, 171 00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:12,280 it just took me off on a tangent 172 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:14,400 where I just went crazy with drinking it. 173 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:15,620 It started slowly. 174 00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:17,840 I had a grandfather that was an alcoholic. 175 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,240 My mom and dad were not alcoholics, 176 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,880 and I can remember my dad having a session with gambling, 177 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,240 and he almost lost everything, you know, 178 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,520 'cause he was, you know, he was obsessed with it. 179 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:30,240 And my grandfather, on the other hand, was a pure alcoholic, 180 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:32,440 and so was my father's mother. 181 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:34,560 It was my father's side of the family 182 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,320 where the alcohol comes from as far as I'm concerned, 183 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,920 and he used to take me out to this place 184 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,260 called J.D. Von Brill, the north end of Hartford, 185 00:06:42,260 --> 00:06:45,080 with his friend, and then they'd give me two bucks 186 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,000 to go to McDonald's, and by the time I got back, 187 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,020 they'd be sauced in the bar, you know, 188 00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:51,560 and then I'd start sipping their beers here and there, 189 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,840 and there'd be funerals, and I'd grab the black labels 190 00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:57,120 and drink the homemade Italian wine 191 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,720 from the kid across the street. 192 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:01,320 And what happened was is that, you know, one day, 193 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,520 you know, I'd bomb it all over the place 194 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:05,640 with a bottle of Southern Comfort and some weed, 195 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:07,560 but where it all hit for me was 196 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,840 I was with a friend at a Boy Scout campground, 197 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:14,520 and we were smoking a joint on a tree this fall over, 198 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:17,320 and we just walked away from all the other Scouts, 199 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,000 and there was two of us sitting on a tree, 200 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,880 and at the very same time, we both stood up 201 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,000 and said it was a smile, and we went back 202 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,240 to the knot-tying class with the Scoutmaster, 203 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,600 and it was perfect, we were laughing, 204 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,440 and you know, that just took away everything. 205 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:33,720 It took away the fear, it made me feel like I belonged, 206 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,640 and it made me feel like I finally arrived, you know? 207 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:40,120 And at that point, you know, life was good, you know? 208 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,720 I had picked up a bunch of friends. 209 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,480 It started in the eighth grade, 210 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,560 because that's when that thing happened for me. 211 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,680 I got loaded and went to tech school. 212 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:53,480 It was an all-guys school, an all-girls school up the hill. 213 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:57,240 What a combination, being a teenager, looking at that. 214 00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:00,960 So we ended up, you know, I lost my train of thought. 215 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,120 We ended up, I ended up going to that school, 216 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,960 and we had kegs, and it worked, alcohol worked. 217 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:10,760 And I stuck with, you know, cocaine. 218 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,040 I know this is alcoholics and others. 219 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,240 Cocaine, pot, and beans. 220 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:18,600 And because one day, this kid gave me this MicroDot, 221 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,680 it was acid or something, and we were having lunch, 222 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,640 and it just freaked me out. 223 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:23,920 I couldn't feel the brake pedal. 224 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,080 I thought I was moving, and I stopped. 225 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:28,280 And I remember I couldn't wait to come down off 226 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,320 as I went back to class, and it just, it is just never again. 227 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,840 And at that point, I made a pact with myself 228 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:37,240 that if I couldn't start it, smoke it, or drink it, 229 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:38,120 what's gonna do it? 230 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:39,840 Because putting a pill in your mouth 231 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:42,160 or a needle in your arm, it's like, you're done. 232 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:43,880 It's like, you're gonna get, 233 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,240 you're gonna get what you're gonna get, 234 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,160 whether you like it or not. 235 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,280 So I made that pact with myself, 236 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,200 and I'll tell you later on in my story 237 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,360 that when I was about ready to put a needle in my arm, 238 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,040 or something like that, so. 239 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:56,160 So anyway, it worked. 240 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,760 You know, I went to beer fast, this and that, 241 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,320 and I had problems with my parents, 242 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:00,400 because, you know, things weren't, 243 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,600 I wasn't doing it right, they weren't real strict. 244 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,200 And one day, one night, I went out to a bar, 245 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,920 and I was a street racer, you know, 246 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:11,600 like, in a nice car. 247 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,120 The fastest thing that I've ever owned back then 248 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,760 was a Kawasaki 900, when it was all souped up. 249 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:21,120 And, you know, I went out, we were found in, 250 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,320 and I decided I was gonna show off 251 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:24,640 and do one of those burnouts, 252 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,800 and I forgot to put my feet down. 253 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,520 And, you know, the bike went off 254 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:30,200 from underneath me in the parking lot, 255 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,360 and I was all drunk and messed up, 256 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,200 and my buddy picked me up, and he says, 257 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,880 "Here, let me take you from right on your bike, 258 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,280 in my motorcycle." 259 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,440 And I didn't put my feet down, I was on the back, 260 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,280 I mean, I didn't lock them under the pegs, 261 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,720 and then he took off, and my, 262 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,320 all that was there was a little bar, 263 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,840 and as soon as he took off, I wasn't that drunk. 264 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,120 I knew I had to hold on, 265 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,840 and my feet were up, and like this, hitting his ears. 266 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,840 And when I got my legs, finally, back under the foot pegs, 267 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,240 he was doing 90 on a street that was smaller 268 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:58,720 than a certain way out there. 269 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,360 And so they took me back to the bar, 270 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,080 went in, 'cause, you know, we all drove separate. 271 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:03,000 He said, "How do you feel now?" 272 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,000 He said, "Can you drive home?" 273 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,400 I said, "Sure, yeah, before I can drive." 274 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:06,840 Well, what am I gonna say, no? 275 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,520 I mean, back when I came from the drinking age, 276 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,080 I was 18, and if you got pulled over, 277 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:11,800 and you had a car full of beer bottles, 278 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,600 they'd say, "Well, why are you keeping those beer bottles?" 279 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,640 Well, they're worth 15 cents a piece. 280 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:16,760 You know, how many beers do you drink? 281 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,000 A few, and they'd usually just let you go, you know. 282 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,040 They didn't ask that you were drinking. 283 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,800 And so I drove home, and the motorcycle, 284 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,080 you know, the next day, all I could remember 285 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:28,800 was waking up to my dad with an ounce of pot, 286 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:29,640 waving it in my face, saying, "What's this?" 287 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,840 And then, you know, my boots were all scratched. 288 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,520 My face was, had road rash on it. 289 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,760 My jeans were ripped while I was fully clothed, 290 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:37,600 laying in the bed. 291 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,480 The motorcycle was on the front lawn, laying down. 292 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,240 It wasn't in the kickstand. 293 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:43,720 And they just looked at me and said, 294 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,920 "You know, you know how that goes, you know how that goes." 295 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:49,000 They weren't crying to me at all, you know. 296 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,320 They were just fed up. 297 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:53,160 You know, we're afraid you're gonna kill yourself, 298 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,160 and we don't want to watch, so we think it's time, 299 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:57,880 you know, maybe you find yourself a place. 300 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,200 I was living at home, you know, I was 20 years old. 301 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,680 And so, for me, of course, I did a geographic. 302 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:04,920 You know, a friend of mine came out right after that, 303 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:05,760 you know, and they were saying, 304 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,840 "Well, you know, I was working, I was a shop for work, 305 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,920 "so I was a functioning alcoholic." 306 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,880 A friend of mine came out that I knew from high school 307 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,000 who had some experience with L.A., and he said, 308 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,400 "Jim, you know," he goes, "L.A.'s the place to go." 309 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:18,240 I said, "Why is that?" 310 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,600 He goes, "You'll double your salary." 311 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:22,120 He says, "When you go to D&B, you don't need car insurance 312 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,280 "to register a vehicle, you just show up, 313 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,040 "and, you know, you can get away with all this stuff." 314 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,680 And so, I came out here, and with nothing on my back, 315 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:31,320 and 300 bucks in my pocket, 316 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,640 a bunch of tools that got ripped off on the way, 317 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,320 'cause I was too young, and I asked the guy for insurance, 318 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,400 he didn't give it to me, and I bet you those tools, 319 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:41,000 you know, I had like $10,000 worth of tools. 320 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,360 I was a diesel truck mechanic, and all that stuff, 321 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,840 probably never got on a plane in New Jersey, who knows? 322 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:47,160 But I made it. 323 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:50,040 My pride and my ego would not let me down, man. 324 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,160 There was no way I was gonna go home, and, you know, 325 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,120 and of course, I made a vow to stay sober, you know, 326 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,560 when I came out here, but that didn't work 327 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,240 for like two weeks. 328 00:11:58,240 --> 00:11:59,840 You know, I was with this guy that, you know, 329 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,080 let me stay with him for a while, 330 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:02,720 and then I met this Blackfoot Indian 331 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:06,640 who had dung and skunk and mushrooms, and, you know, 332 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,120 he says, "You can move in with me," 333 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:09,400 and that's what we did in the morning. 334 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:12,080 We got high in the morning, and we got high at the break. 335 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,960 It was just crazy insane. 336 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:18,520 So, you know, eventually, I'll fast forward to where 337 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:22,400 I ended up moving out of my home many, many years later, 338 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,080 and Whittier, I had this shack, 339 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:28,360 and I worked for a plastics company in Pasadena, 340 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,400 and I hooked up with an old friend that I met, 341 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,480 and I said, "Hey, I wanna pay my car. 342 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,040 "I need some meth and ketamines," 343 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,720 and I had no idea that the guy that was, 344 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,520 one guy that I was working with, you know, 345 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,200 I had to sit down with him, 'cause, you know, 346 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,720 we just know, you know, they knew that I was a pot smoker 347 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,760 and a beer drinker, but when I started doing that flow, 348 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,320 this one goes, "Hey, you look, yeah, you want some low?" 349 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,560 And I remember him, he's like, "Oh, I got a whole pocket," 350 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:55,320 and this guy was cooking it out, Temecula, man, 351 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,360 and so I did this for like three years, 352 00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:01,200 and what happened was is I noticed that this friend 353 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,280 that I knew that I'd met like eight years earlier, 354 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:07,160 and I cooked back up with him, his teeth were all black. 355 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:10,680 He stuttered, and all those guys that I worked with, 356 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:12,120 their teeth were falling out. 357 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:13,040 They were black. 358 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,160 They were stuttering, and so one day, I said, 359 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,480 "I gotta get sober," and my boss gave me a week off, 360 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:18,480 and I couldn't get sober. 361 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:19,320 I couldn't stop. 362 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:20,440 It's that thing where you just say, 363 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:21,600 "I'm gonna stay up 'til midnight. 364 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,320 "I'm gonna go home," and then I'd start on a Thursday 365 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,760 or a Friday, say, "I'm gonna work on my car 'til midnight, 366 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,840 "and I'm gonna go home," and the next thing I knew, 367 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:31,160 it was Monday morning, and the girls were coming back 368 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:34,360 in the office, and I was laying down all stinked up 369 00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:37,240 on the couch in the front, and then I'd get up, 370 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:41,100 and I'd do more blow, drink a little beer to level it out. 371 00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:41,940 That's what it was about for me. 372 00:13:41,940 --> 00:13:45,760 It was about weed, booze, and the speed 373 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:49,120 to keep me what I call the plateau so that I could function, 374 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,280 but at the end, I wasn't functioning anymore. 375 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:55,420 I was out of my mind, and I couldn't get sober in a week, 376 00:13:55,420 --> 00:13:56,260 so here it is. 377 00:13:56,260 --> 00:13:57,600 I'm gonna go back out. 378 00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:58,440 It's Sunday. 379 00:13:58,440 --> 00:13:59,840 I gotta get back to work on Monday, 380 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:03,120 and my mind's telling me you can't do it without the stuff, 381 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,520 so I called the guy up, and I started heading out 382 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:09,720 to get some more stuff, and I drove my car over the median 383 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:13,160 on Cleveland Road going up over to get to the 60 384 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,740 to go out to the desert, and I drove my car over the median, 385 00:14:15,740 --> 00:14:20,740 and I remember going into an alpha-beta parking lot, 386 00:14:20,740 --> 00:14:22,600 and it was just one of those things. 387 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,320 I guess it was God looking over me 388 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,500 because Calima Road was a pretty heavily traveled road, 389 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,080 and I said, "Oh, my God. 390 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,240 "I just could've killed somebody. 391 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,840 "I could've got killed." 392 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,600 I just drove across the whole frickin' road 393 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,120 in the oncoming traffic and ended up 394 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,880 in an alpha-beta parking lot, 395 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:40,300 and I drove home with this fender clicking on the tire, 396 00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:44,740 and then from then on, I had some previous experience 397 00:14:44,740 --> 00:14:47,120 with a gal that was working a program 398 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,680 through Cocaine Anonymous at that facility 399 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,400 that I worked for and stayed up, 400 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,640 and so I found her and called her, 401 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,240 and she took me to a meeting. 402 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,480 She took me to my first meeting. 403 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,120 It was at Los Encinas Hospital in Pasadena, 404 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:03,040 and I remember thinking, "You know, the girls are pretty," 405 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:06,400 and then they said, "All other mind-authoring substances," 406 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:07,480 and I'm like, "Wait a minute. 407 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,340 "I thought you guys were gonna teach me how to drink 408 00:15:09,340 --> 00:15:10,320 "without doing blow." 409 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,600 Really, what I thought. 410 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,900 It's like, I didn't think that they were gonna say, 411 00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:16,600 "Hey, you gotta stop drinking, too," 412 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,360 and so I went out on a tangent 413 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:19,680 for about another month or so. 414 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,700 I ended up partying really, really hard, 415 00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,720 drinking and smoking my weed, 416 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,040 'cause I know it's alpha. 417 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:27,880 I just love weed. 418 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:28,840 I just loved it. 419 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,280 It was my drug of choice, 420 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:33,400 and so I got all messed up, and I woke up. 421 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,600 I'm gonna go to that meeting at Los Encinas Hospital, 422 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:37,560 9 o'clock, so I show up at the meeting, 423 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:39,780 and I raised my hand as a newcomer again, 424 00:15:39,780 --> 00:15:42,780 and the guy that did the chips that day says, 425 00:15:42,780 --> 00:15:45,240 "Oh, I'm leaving town, I'm gonna go. 426 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:46,860 "Somebody has to take my commitment," 427 00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:48,100 so then, of course, the guy next to me goes, 428 00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:49,800 "All right, now I'm gonna make this guy right here," 429 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,080 and so, "All right, second film," 430 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,920 and the guy gives me, "Hey, you're the chip guy." 431 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:54,640 Okay, and now I'm the chip guy, 432 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,180 and the secretary gets up, and he goes, 433 00:15:56,180 --> 00:15:58,200 "This guy's name's Gary, Gary Castillo." 434 00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,160 He goes, "Gary C." 435 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,620 So Gary's gonna be your temporary sponsor, 436 00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:02,460 and he's all smiling. 437 00:16:02,460 --> 00:16:03,280 I'm like, "Okay, cool." 438 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,840 So that's the first day I went home 439 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:06,400 with a big book for alcoholic snobs. 440 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:07,920 Now, a little Gary, Gary was cool. 441 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,440 I didn't really have a lot of respect for Gary. 442 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,000 He's all, "Oh, I'm an ex-hybrid patrol, and I was addicted 443 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,640 "to prescription drugs coding." 444 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,560 Like, "What, coding?" 445 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,920 He says, "Here, this is a big book." 446 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:20,140 He goes, "Take this big book." 447 00:16:20,140 --> 00:16:22,200 He goes, "I know you got five bucks in your pocket," 448 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,960 and I did, I was pretty much broke, but I still had a job. 449 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,620 I had a car with no insurance, 450 00:16:26,620 --> 00:16:28,720 and I wasn't doing anything else with my life, 451 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,840 but I still had the ability to earn money, 452 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,680 and he says, "I have five bucks." 453 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:37,040 He goes, "You can have this $35,000 program for $5." 454 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,960 He goes, "People like you rarely ever get it." 455 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,800 He says, "Two percent of people 456 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,720 "that come to Alcoholics Anonymous 457 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,760 "or Cocaine Anonymous actually stay." 458 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,400 He said, "But you can have what I have, 459 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,960 "paid $35,000 through my insurance twice." 460 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,240 He said, "You can have it for five bucks." 461 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,480 So I gave him the five bucks and took the big book. 462 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,580 He's now, "Go home and read one page a night 463 00:16:58,580 --> 00:17:00,120 "and get on your knees every morning. 464 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,480 "Call me every day." 465 00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:04,160 Now, I call the guy every day, but if I was lucky, 466 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:05,700 he picked up the phone once a week, 467 00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:07,540 and so he took me up to step three, 468 00:17:07,540 --> 00:17:09,720 and I did what I, you know, I did my meeting. 469 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,700 He goes, "Do 90 meetings in 90 days 470 00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:13,680 "and read a page of this book every night." 471 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,760 So I ended up, this guy being my sponsor, 472 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,120 you know, I went to meetings, I went to step studies 473 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,640 all around Pasadena, and life got good for me real quick 474 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:25,840 because I wasn't spending my paycheck on drugs and alcohol. 475 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,320 So this one lady, this one guy, and the machinist goes, 476 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,760 you know, "My landlord's got a place over there 477 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:31,880 "in Temple City." 478 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,920 So I started to get well, physically well, pretty quick. 479 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,480 You know, I started riding a bike to work three days a week. 480 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,160 I started going to meetings, of course, in cocaine 481 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,520 in August at the time, if you had double digits Friday, 482 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,160 you were really old. 483 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:48,040 You had nine, 10 years, and most of the people there 484 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,000 had like two years, three years, but they were dedicated. 485 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,920 They, you know, they made me a secretary. 486 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,560 I, you know, I was like, I got really frustrated 487 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:58,480 because nobody really wanted to stay, you know. 488 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,220 It's like I'd get, my secretary or my treasurer 489 00:18:01,220 --> 00:18:02,560 would take off with the money, you know, 490 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,600 then I'd be at the meeting, and I'd be the only, 491 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,140 I'd run the whole meeting, and I'd be like, 492 00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:08,740 here, I came here, they greeted me, and you guys, 493 00:18:08,740 --> 00:18:11,200 this is a functioning meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous 494 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:12,880 because there was people here, 495 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:15,240 why do they have this speaker going and stuff, 496 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,200 and everything was, you guys are committed, 497 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,160 is what I'm trying to say. 498 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,460 And so this lady comes up to me and goes, 499 00:18:19,460 --> 00:18:21,720 "Hey, you know, I think you should go to the Pacific." 500 00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:22,560 Really? 501 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,520 And so she says, "I know this guy, John, 502 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,420 "and he'll help you out." 503 00:18:25,420 --> 00:18:28,320 And so I met John, and then I went and listened 504 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,280 to this guy, John, John M., cast away now. 505 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,040 I don't know if anybody knows him, John Middleton. 506 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:34,920 I went to this place called the Ronnie Theater 507 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:38,280 because this girl lost and seemed to sit here. 508 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,680 There's a meeting, I forget when that was, 509 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,160 Tuesday night or Thursday night, 510 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,600 and it starts at 730 or eight, show up. 511 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,840 So this guy was so spiritual, and he reminded me of me 512 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,840 'cause he said, "I'm gonna stick a needle in my arm 513 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,760 "and swear and I'll jump." 514 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,560 I bend my head over, throw in the dumpster. 515 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:54,920 He said, "The next day, I'd wake up, 516 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,400 "and I'd dive in that dumpster." 517 00:18:56,400 --> 00:19:00,040 And I could remember throwing my speed and my pot, 518 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,600 my cigarettes and all this crap in my dumpster 519 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:03,960 in my apartment, and the next morning, 520 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,480 I'd wake up and say, "I need that," 521 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:08,360 and I'd dive back in the dumpster to get it. 522 00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:10,600 So I went up to him, and he was so spiritual. 523 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,280 I think he had three or four years to write. 524 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:16,640 And I said, "Yeah, my sponsor's got me doing the third step." 525 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:19,760 And he said, "Can you help me with that?" 526 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,320 I'm having a real hard time. 527 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:24,000 I was raised as a Catholic, 528 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,560 and I'd go to confession to admit my sins. 529 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:31,120 I just didn't like my God, it was a punishing God. 530 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,940 And I used to remember thinking that if there is a hell, 531 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:35,480 I'm sure they're gonna gain there. 532 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,680 That's just gonna be, that's gonna be it. 533 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:41,360 I'm going to hell for some of the things that, 534 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:44,000 and my mother's mother was gonna be a nun, 535 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,800 and then she decided to have children. 536 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,920 So you can imagine how strict the upbringing 537 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:52,000 that we had was, and it is what it is. 538 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,100 So he says, "Hey, come down tomorrow night. 539 00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:55,240 "There's a step study." 540 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:56,400 And I couldn't believe it. 541 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,040 I walked in, and I was the only guy there, 542 00:19:58,040 --> 00:19:59,760 and then all of a sudden, people started showing up. 543 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,440 I think there was probably about, maybe about five or six, 544 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,920 eight of us, I don't remember, there was quite a few of us. 545 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,080 I'd say like maybe six. 546 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,080 And there was me and one other guy in a room, 547 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,840 and there was other rooms there where they set up tables, 548 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:14,640 and they told you to put your feet on the ground. 549 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,680 They gave us paper, and they gave us columns. 550 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,600 And we wrote, we did an inventory. 551 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,520 It wasn't a step study, it was an inventory. 552 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:25,860 It was a four-step way, they called it the Foul Table Method. 553 00:20:25,860 --> 00:20:28,280 And they talked, and they talked all night, 554 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:29,120 and they fooled us. 555 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,760 They said they gave us coffee, but it was decaf, you know? 556 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:35,560 It was like, you know, I wrote all night, 557 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:38,280 and the speakers that were coming in were rotating. 558 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:41,760 And he said, "Every time you get a resentment, 559 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:44,900 "or you identify with something, put it down on the paper, 560 00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:47,560 "and then page numbers and all this stuff." 561 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:51,280 And I remember writing down all my resentments 562 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,720 and all this stuff, and then we did the four-step, 563 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:56,520 the fourth and the fifth step. 564 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:57,800 It was like eight o'clock in the morning. 565 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,600 I got there at eight o'clock at eight p.m. 566 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,360 on a Friday night and left at like eight a.m. 567 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:03,640 on Saturday morning. 568 00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:05,160 And there was a bunch of us. 569 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:08,200 I kind of heard a few fifth steps. 570 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,640 And what I've realized is that, you know, as an alcoholic, 571 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,600 I believe that you could take an alcoholic 572 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:17,320 and kind of turn us upside down and shake us. 573 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,780 And very similar stuff would come out of our ears, you know, 574 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:24,840 because of the feelings and the resentments that I get. 575 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,520 You know, they're very similar. 576 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:29,760 And I ended up asking that guy to sponsor me. 577 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,200 And I remember, you know, he was part of the Pacific group, 578 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:33,700 so he brought me to the Pacific group. 579 00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:36,400 And Clancy, I don't know if anyone else is Clancy I, 580 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,240 but Clancy had just become his sponsor. 581 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,120 And Frank Jones was the secretary 582 00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:42,460 of the Wednesday night meeting. 583 00:21:42,460 --> 00:21:46,840 And so I identified, I think it's important if you're new 584 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,120 that you identify with alcoholics anonymous 585 00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,640 and identify that you are an alcoholic. 586 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:53,800 And that night after I had done and learned about 587 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,960 Abby Thacker and the Big Book and, you know, 588 00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:01,120 the fast track to the steps is really in Bill's story. 589 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,400 And it's like, oh, it's about humility, 590 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,440 about identification, about making restitution. 591 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,800 That's really the best I could explain it. 592 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:12,200 And that guy, you know, he looked at that paper, man, 593 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,600 and he was good. 594 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:16,360 He says, you know, we're gonna start doing some amends. 595 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:17,320 You know, we're gonna make a list 596 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,520 and then I'm gonna walk you through the amends. 597 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,520 And, you know, and one of the things that I thought 598 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:23,560 was kind of unique, he says, one of the persons 599 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:25,560 or people that you need to make amends to, 600 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:26,800 this is the most important, he goes, 601 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,400 you need to make amends to yourself 602 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,800 and where you've been living all your life. 603 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:34,000 And he set me up on a payment program with my parents 604 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,560 to pay back all that back rent I never paid 605 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:38,400 and some other stuff that I had screwed over, 606 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,000 some bosses and some employment. 607 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,480 You know, there was a lot of stuff on the paper 608 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:46,640 that I can't get into, but he walked me through 609 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,240 and also told me where I shouldn't make amends 610 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:53,360 would be, would injure them or others or myself, you know. 611 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:56,000 And it was great, you know, I started doing it. 612 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,600 I started sending cash to my mom. 613 00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:58,840 He goes, don't, you don't send her a check. 614 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:01,080 He goes, 'cause, you know, she's not gonna cash it. 615 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:02,280 He goes, you send her cash. 616 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,360 You send her the letter, you know, you tell her sorry. 617 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,280 And so I did that for a really long time 618 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,920 and it was quite a long time. 619 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,920 And one day she says, okay, you know, I like the letters, 620 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:16,640 you know, you know, really happy for you that you got sober, 621 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,640 but how long are you gonna work that damn program? 622 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:20,520 Excuse my language, forever, you know. 623 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:21,960 It's like, you know, 'cause I could go home 624 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:24,560 and I'd be going to meetings and it's been 32 years now. 625 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:26,360 And, you know, my moms and I can, 626 00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:29,200 they don't understand why I have to keep going to meetings. 627 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:30,640 You know, I just keep going to meetings 628 00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:31,760 and keep working my program. 629 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,080 So that's kind of funny. 630 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:35,800 But it just kept going, you know. 631 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,040 I mean, I got a life beyond my wildest dreams 632 00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:39,440 with alcoholics and autonomous, you know, 633 00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:42,280 getting sober was the best thing that ever happened to me. 634 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,120 And I didn't know it. 635 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:45,760 And I think that night was just the tip of the iceberg 636 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:50,400 because I realized after like going through like therapy 637 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:54,160 and going to doctors, like, you know, and getting therapy, 638 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,680 you know, therapy kind of works 'til you walk out the door. 639 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,480 You know, it's like, and I identified with Clancy. 640 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,800 Well, Clancy would say, you know what, you know, 641 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,760 if alcohol was my problem, when I put the plug in the jug, 642 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:05,720 everything would be fine. 643 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,720 But that's when all the chaos started. 644 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:10,640 So I identified with that. 645 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,800 And then the one of the things that I really identified 646 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,400 with there really made me stay with alcoholics and autonomous 647 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:18,760 is when I went to the Pacific group and heard Frank Jones. 648 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,520 (indistinct) 649 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:24,640 Oh my God, I was the only idiot that ever fought people 650 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:25,480 in the front of me. 651 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:27,960 Like, you know, throwing their items going in, 652 00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:28,800 you're holding me up. 653 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,080 Don't you know how important I am? 654 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:31,280 I gotta get out of here. 655 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,240 So I stayed. 656 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:36,040 And then I remember getting kind of like a little resentment. 657 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:38,800 And you know, one thing for me is if you make me mad, 658 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:40,480 I'm gonna show you. 659 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,320 And that's how I stayed sober 660 00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:44,880 because one day I was in that meeting at Las Encinas 661 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:48,040 and some girl told me, "You can't get this program." 662 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:49,960 She said, "I bet you can't even get a year." 663 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,600 And I went, "Oh yeah, you watched." 664 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:53,000 Watch me get a year, lady. 665 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,800 I mean, I might've been dry and really angry, 666 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,120 but I'm gonna get that year. 667 00:24:58,120 --> 00:24:59,760 I'm gonna take that cake, you know? 668 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,360 And I did. 669 00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:02,480 But when I went into the Pacific group, 670 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,840 I remember Clancy's like, "Put the ball down, kid." 671 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:06,520 I went to the yard, I went to the yard. 672 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,480 And there was Clancy, like, "I'm picking up the team." 673 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,280 And I looked at him, I'm like, "Okay, yeah." 674 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:12,880 And I'm like, "Yeah, I will, all right, fine." 675 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:14,440 So I went to the back of the line. 676 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:15,800 And then everybody's coming up to me 677 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,280 'cause I had a mustache, you know? 678 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:18,120 Who knew? 679 00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:19,200 They all knew I was new, right? 680 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:20,520 They knew I was new to the group. 681 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:21,360 They say, "Oh." 682 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,240 And then I remember Frank saying to me, 683 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:24,480 "You're welcome back, kid, 684 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:26,840 "but get rid of the facial hair." 685 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:28,560 So yeah, I went shaved and, you know, 686 00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:31,320 I went for a long time into the Pacific group. 687 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:32,560 I went to the yard. 688 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:34,640 So for the first 10 years of my sobriety, 689 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,520 I worked a solid Pacific group program. 690 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:38,800 I did, like, you know, in the beginning, 691 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,480 I did my 90 meetings in 90 days. 692 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:43,200 I did what the sponsor asked me to in the beginning. 693 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:46,080 And then I went and I had, at the end, 694 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:47,840 I did for 10, 11 years, 695 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,440 I had three Pacific group committed meetings. 696 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:53,520 And then I met a lady and we, you know, we had kids. 697 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:55,280 You know, she had a kid already. 698 00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:58,760 And I have two kids, biological kids with her. 699 00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,800 And, you know, life's in session, man. 700 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:05,120 It was like, I never thought that I would have a family. 701 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:09,040 And, you know, for me, the way I reacted to children 702 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:12,720 and the discipline that I had when I was growing up, 703 00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:14,880 I tried to bring that into my marriage. 704 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:16,040 And it didn't work, right? 705 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:17,000 Off the bat. 706 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,360 And, you know, you can control me with fear. 707 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,960 I had just done an inventory versus steps. 708 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:23,560 I'm gonna be working. 709 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,080 You would think that I've already done 12, but I haven't. 710 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:29,520 I'm 32 years sober and I've done all the way up to 10 twice 711 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:30,520 and I'm gonna work 10. 712 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,960 But this time I worked the steps with a friend, 713 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:36,080 one at a time, very slow, one at a time. 714 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:39,040 And, you know, I've got like three, four pages. 715 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:41,040 And when I got to the fear part, I'm like, oh my God, 716 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:42,720 you know, here I am standing in front of you 717 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:44,480 at 32 years of sobriety 718 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:48,680 and realizing how much I've lost out in life 719 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:53,520 because fear is controlling everything that's around me. 720 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:55,480 I mean, I've got a good life, don't get me wrong, 721 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,200 but now I'm gonna go through a different phase, 722 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:02,680 I think, where it's gonna be very, very beneficial to me 723 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:06,800 to keep sharing and maybe if a guy wants to sponsor him 724 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:08,800 or something, you know, help somebody else 725 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:11,200 with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. 726 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:13,240 But it's really changed my life. 727 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,320 And my wife, you know, like I remember the first time 728 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:16,800 we had a kid and she's autistic 729 00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:20,080 and he's like running up and down in the tub. 730 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,000 And so I just went like that 'cause I got to pow pow 731 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:23,920 all the time and that's the key. 732 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,440 My mom used to stay in those plywood little paddles 733 00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:27,760 with the thing when the ball would break off, 734 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,640 she'd flick them on your butt, you know, there you go. 735 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:32,360 I'll wash your mouth out with an onion, 736 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:33,640 you say that F word again. 737 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:36,080 And she did, she would, she put soap in your mouth. 738 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:37,280 She didn't pull the rest. 739 00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:40,240 When I did that to my kid, my wife's a social worker. 740 00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:43,200 She said, you do that again and you'll never see 741 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:44,240 that kid again. 742 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,520 So I went, oh, and there's the fear kicked in. 743 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,600 So then, you know, years later when he came home 744 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:52,180 with nail polish on his fingers and I thought, 745 00:27:52,180 --> 00:27:53,800 oh my God, what's going on? 746 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,200 I was able to handle it because now we're looking 747 00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,720 at a guy that's gone through some more steps 748 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,640 and, you know, I've gone through my daughter, 749 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,800 through my stepson and then my daughter and yeah. 750 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,080 So who knows what's happening. 751 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,160 Have a relationship with those children today 752 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,920 because I don't, I love that my condition, 753 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,920 you know, I pretty much do for them what they can't do 754 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:14,600 for themselves as they were growing up 755 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:17,000 and now it's about acceptance, you know. 756 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:20,680 Because if I don't accept them, I'm gonna do the same thing 757 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,280 that my parents did to me. 758 00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:25,280 I'm gonna be like, I left and I drank and used 759 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:27,920 over those feelings and then I left the nest 760 00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:30,300 because I couldn't tell them anything, you know. 761 00:28:30,300 --> 00:28:32,480 So when my kid, I asked my kid questions 762 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:34,800 and he answers them but I don't, you know, 763 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:37,280 I'm sure he can tell sometimes like when he gives me 764 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:39,280 an answer or she gives me an answer 765 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:41,920 that I don't wanna hear which is probably, you know, 766 00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:44,460 often, for me it's often but, you know, whatever. 767 00:28:44,460 --> 00:28:46,480 It's like I love them unconditionally 768 00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:49,080 and we have a relationship because of that. 769 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:50,800 I go camping with my daughter. 770 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:52,860 We, you know, we just went out in an excursion 771 00:28:52,860 --> 00:28:56,440 and my daughter made me chili and I do things for her 772 00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:58,520 and, you know, like tonight before the meeting, 773 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:00,360 she goes, oh, I thought you weren't gonna be home. 774 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:02,760 You want me, you want a plate of food before you go speak? 775 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:05,040 And, you know, she's, you know, my wife and I 776 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:07,080 are going through like a separation right now 777 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:10,760 and, you know, she goes to ALDA which has blew me away 778 00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:15,000 and so, you know, I thought my wife was gonna turn around 779 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,240 like she did that thing with the DCFS thing 780 00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:19,680 and her social worker stuff and she was just gonna 781 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:23,240 manipulate those children to absolutely hate me 782 00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:25,020 but didn't work out that way yet. 783 00:29:25,020 --> 00:29:27,160 So, and I don't think it ever will 784 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:28,960 because of ALQALYX Anonymous, you know, 785 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:31,120 because, you know, the kids are all grown now 786 00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:35,120 and I'm back in the AA in full swing of doing my meetings 787 00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:37,060 and I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. 788 00:29:37,060 --> 00:29:40,720 In Austin, when I get stuck on something 789 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:42,760 and what I've learned to do in ALQALYX Anonymous 790 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:45,400 is just do the next indicated step, you know, 791 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,360 you just do that step, you know, whatever. 792 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:50,080 Sometimes it's just like, oh, I need to get up 793 00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:52,800 and get in the car and start to go to work 794 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:55,080 because my head, the committee in my head 795 00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:57,640 starts talking to me about my day 796 00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:02,000 and it's chaos in there, you know? 797 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:03,520 But if I just remembered, yeah, I need to do 798 00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:05,400 the next indicated step. 799 00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:08,080 You know, I do the prayer a lot and, you know, 800 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:12,160 I do, I learn to pray, I learn to do the third step prayer 801 00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:13,000 and the serenity prayer. 802 00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:15,700 I'm working on my character defects right now 803 00:30:15,700 --> 00:30:18,700 'cause I have a few of them still left 804 00:30:18,700 --> 00:30:21,720 and, you know, I actually, we kind of have a lot of time 805 00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:23,800 but there was a time where I wrote in the big book 806 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:26,720 that some of us like to keep those character defects 807 00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,600 and you know what, I'm ready to let go of some of those 808 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:31,880 that years ago that I kept. 809 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:33,920 So before I ended up, I have to tell you this, 810 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:36,100 I have a great life because of Alcoholics Anonymous 811 00:30:36,100 --> 00:30:40,240 and in my 32th sobriety, I've only done the steps, 812 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,240 like three times I've done the steps. 813 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:45,080 The fast way, I've done the seven questions 814 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:48,840 and I've also done it with a friend one at a time. 815 00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:50,960 So, you know, I appreciate, thank you for asking me 816 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:52,680 to come out and share my experience, 817 00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:54,240 trying to help you. 818 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:56,920 I hope I said something that benefits somebody, 819 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,420 either online or in the room or a new guy. 820 00:30:59,420 --> 00:31:00,520 Thank you very much.