1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,800 Hi, my name is Josh, I'm a sensitive alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:04,440 Thanks for asking me to speak, Nate. 3 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:06,000 Thanks for your share. 4 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:06,840 Quality of life. 5 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:07,660 - Quaff life. 6 00:00:07,660 --> 00:00:08,500 - What is that name, quaff? 7 00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:10,080 I just want to say that because I like to hear that. 8 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:11,840 Quality of life, nice. 9 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:14,160 So let's see what it was like, what happened, 10 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,000 and what it's like next. 11 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:19,400 So I had my first drink when I was eight days old. 12 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:22,440 You know, I didn't drink, I didn't eat anything that day. 13 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:25,040 And my parents threw a party for me 14 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:28,160 and had a couple sips of wine and got tossed. 15 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:30,240 Next thing I know, I'm naked on the table 16 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:31,980 and everyone's staring at me 17 00:00:31,980 --> 00:00:33,800 and there's some guy standing over me 18 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:37,040 with some crazy dreadlocks doing something to my weenie. 19 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,760 Woke up a couple hours later with a terrible hangover 20 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:41,000 and my gig was killing. 21 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,580 For those goyim in the house, 22 00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:46,360 that is what's known as a bris. 23 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:49,720 Also for those goyim in the house, goyim means non-Jew. 24 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:53,520 A bris is something that the Jewish people do 25 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:57,480 to their male babies. 26 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,520 So anyway, they say there's no alcoholic Jews, 27 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,640 which is absolutely not true, obviously. 28 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,240 You know, we're taught at a very early age, 29 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:09,200 you mix alcohol with your genitalia and you get pain. 30 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,920 So my drinking just basically followed that pattern 31 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,200 for the next 27 years. 32 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,440 And you know, I got kicked out of fifth grade 33 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:17,680 for smoking weed. 34 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:20,940 I got kicked out of ninth grade for selling weed. 35 00:01:20,940 --> 00:01:23,080 I got kicked out of 10th grade for drinking. 36 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:27,360 And for some amazing miracle of the LAUSD system, 37 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:31,000 I graduated on time, it was amazing. 38 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:34,080 So yeah, you know, my story has a lot of drugs in it. 39 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,320 I hope that doesn't offend anybody. 40 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,880 It is my story, so there's nothing I can do about it. 41 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:40,160 That's just the way it is. 42 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:44,040 But anyway, when I finally did get sober, 43 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:48,320 I remember they had a panel come into the rehab I was in 44 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:50,920 of AA and there was these three old ladies. 45 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:53,320 They were at least 55. 46 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:57,480 And they said, you know, they used to say in that rehab, 47 00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,040 they used to say, listen for the similarities 48 00:01:59,040 --> 00:01:59,880 and not the differences. 49 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:01,300 They used to say that over and over again, 50 00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:03,080 listen for the similarities, not the differences. 51 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:05,200 Listen for the similarities and not the differences. 52 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,120 It was real easy for me to listen for the differences. 53 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,360 You know, like my mind would just latch on 54 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,200 to how this was not going to work for me. 55 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:18,200 And you know, I don't need to do all that stuff or, you know, 56 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,160 all that stuff isn't going to work, you know, 57 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:22,000 so on and so forth. 58 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,400 It was like easy for me to listen for the differences. 59 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,840 It was not easy for me to listen for the similarities. 60 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:29,720 So these old ladies came in and they spoke 61 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:33,640 and they talked about what it was like for them 62 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,520 before they even started drinking at all. 63 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:38,420 And what they said is something that I've heard 64 00:02:38,420 --> 00:02:40,740 over and over again in AA. 65 00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:43,060 They said that even before they started drinking, 66 00:02:43,060 --> 00:02:44,880 they didn't feel like they were a part of, 67 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,200 that they felt separate from, they felt different. 68 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,480 And I thought back on my life when I heard them say that, 69 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:52,800 and you know, when I was a kid, 70 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:55,520 I was really into this TV show called "Happy Days". 71 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,000 I was like really into that. 72 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,360 In particular, I was really into the Fonz. 73 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,520 And I loved the Fonz. 74 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,440 I don't know, I loved the Fonz so much 75 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,440 that I actually became the Fonz. 76 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,240 And actually, my parents buy me a leather jacket 77 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,740 and I walked around the school yard going, "Hey, ladies." 78 00:03:12,740 --> 00:03:14,400 And when I heard those ladies share that, 79 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,340 I thought back on that experience and I was like, 80 00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:17,180 "You know what? 81 00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:19,960 "Actually, it wasn't that I loved the Fonz so much. 82 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,940 "It was more so that I didn't love me. 83 00:03:22,940 --> 00:03:23,920 "I didn't want to be me. 84 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:25,340 "I wanted to be someone else. 85 00:03:25,340 --> 00:03:27,720 "I wanted to be someone that I thought 86 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,200 "everyone else thought was cool." 87 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,400 And I didn't even realize that at the time. 88 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,520 And as I look back on my life, 89 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:39,560 I realized that my perception of who I was 90 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,440 was not at all right. 91 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,680 Because I was the second non-handicapped kid 92 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,600 integrated into a handicapped school. 93 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,080 This was during desegregation. 94 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,680 And I felt weird. 95 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,840 I felt like nobody liked me. 96 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,580 Which was absolutely not true. 97 00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:55,840 I was like the football star. 98 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:59,420 'Cause I was one of the only non-handicapped kids in there. 99 00:03:59,420 --> 00:04:04,880 And my dad is an actor and he was pretty famous at the time. 100 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:08,280 And so I'm sure everybody, looking back on it now, 101 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,520 I'm sure everybody was like, "This guy's cool." 102 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,480 But I just didn't feel that way. 103 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:17,440 I felt like separate from exactly what those ladies said. 104 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,340 I didn't feel like I was a part of. 105 00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:20,760 And I wanted to be. 106 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:21,820 I wanted to be down. 107 00:04:21,820 --> 00:04:26,180 And so that drove me to do all kinds of things 108 00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:27,340 that are not me. 109 00:04:27,340 --> 00:04:28,840 But I did it because I thought 110 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,280 that was what other people would like. 111 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,200 And so that's what I did when I was a kid. 112 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:36,140 I sort of just played this role 113 00:04:36,140 --> 00:04:38,300 that I thought other people would like. 114 00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:43,300 And we all got into drugs and drinking and all that. 115 00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:46,840 And I did all kinds of stuff 116 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:48,640 that I'm not proud of because of that. 117 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:52,520 And so eventually, whatever, I moved. 118 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:55,800 I graduated high school and I went to college. 119 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,080 And I went to college in Humboldt County 120 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,340 'cause they got some really killer schools up there. 121 00:05:00,340 --> 00:05:03,100 (laughing) 122 00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:06,560 And I was growing weird and I had a mail order business 123 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:07,700 and all that. 124 00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,420 But then I realized I wanted to be an actor. 125 00:05:09,420 --> 00:05:12,500 So I came back to LA and I went to school for that. 126 00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:14,600 And then I ended up joining a band. 127 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:18,280 And we had some popularity here in LA, 128 00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:21,380 but drugs were always a part of my life. 129 00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:23,280 Like always, they were like the main gig. 130 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:27,680 And like I said, I sold weed for most of my life. 131 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,040 It was like how I made a living 132 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:31,840 and I really didn't see it as a problem. 133 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,840 Actually, I saw it as a solution. 134 00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,620 But there were times that I didn't have it 135 00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:39,960 and I couldn't think of anything but getting it. 136 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,880 And I did all kinds of things to get the money to get it. 137 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,920 I ripped people off, I panhandled. 138 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:50,580 I did all kinds of things to get the money to get just weed. 139 00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:52,660 So people say weed isn't addictive. 140 00:05:52,660 --> 00:05:54,320 Well, to me, it was. 141 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:57,480 And I risked my whole life and everything for it. 142 00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:01,200 And then I met this girl and she was into heroin 143 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,440 and I was into her. 144 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:05,260 And so I figured if I had the heroin, she would be into me. 145 00:06:05,260 --> 00:06:08,600 And I was right and it worked for a while. 146 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,400 But eventually she ended up getting clean 147 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:15,400 and left me with this ever so slight heroin addiction. 148 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:19,380 And when I first attempted to get clean and sober, 149 00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:22,280 I didn't even really think I had a drug problem, right? 150 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:27,280 And so I went to, this one day I tried to kick heroin 151 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,760 and kicked it one time on my friend's couch. 152 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,880 Three days later, I was all right. 153 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,920 And I was like, I was sick for three days 154 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:35,760 and then I was all right. 155 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,060 And I was like, "Well, that wasn't so bad. 156 00:06:37,060 --> 00:06:38,480 "I can do that again." 157 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,600 Never able to do it again, I tried and tried and tried. 158 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,920 Never, never able to do it again. 159 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,760 So like every day I would wake up sick and broke 160 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:49,640 and have to do it all, sell some drugs 161 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:52,960 in order to get some money to get the heroin and get well. 162 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,800 I mean, it was horrible. 163 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,000 And it went on and on and on, right? 164 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,800 And so the one day I didn't sell any weed 165 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,880 and so I was broke. 166 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,760 I wasn't able to score and the whole day went by. 167 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:08,760 Now, granted, I lived in an apartment there in Hollywood 168 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,380 and I had spent all my money on drugs 169 00:07:12,380 --> 00:07:15,280 and then they turned off the lights, 170 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:16,480 there was no electricity. 171 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,660 And then I was like, "All right, well, I'll spend this money 172 00:07:18,660 --> 00:07:21,000 "on the electricity bill." 173 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,900 So I, you know, and then I was like, "Oh shit, 174 00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:23,940 "now I gotta pay the rent." 175 00:07:23,940 --> 00:07:27,560 So I paid the rent and then they turned off the gas. 176 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:31,880 And you know, I kept getting moving violations in my car 177 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,920 and I was like, "Screw it, it's the car." 178 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,560 It came from the car, sold the car. 179 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:39,240 And you know, so I'm living in this apartment 180 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,200 with no electricity and no heat. 181 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:44,640 And you know, I didn't clean up. 182 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,340 I didn't pick anything up off the ground, 183 00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:48,040 literally for about a year and a half. 184 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:52,120 So there were trails from the couch to the bedroom. 185 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,320 Like you could walk on the trail, 186 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,600 but you couldn't walk anywhere else. 187 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,440 And you know, I remember I threw a spaghetti party 188 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,320 and you know, at one time, 189 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:01,680 and then I put the dishes in the sink 190 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:02,680 and I didn't deal with them. 191 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,320 And you know, the, you know, 192 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:07,080 the maggots came off and they turned into flies 193 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:07,920 and flew away. 194 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,180 And literally by the time I threw those dishes, 195 00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:12,020 they were clean. 196 00:08:12,020 --> 00:08:14,760 You'd be like, "Oh, I didn't even think about you." 197 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:15,600 You know? 198 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,340 Anyway, so it's Monday, I'm there and I'm like, 199 00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:19,360 you know, I didn't, I wasn't able to score. 200 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:21,200 And you know, it's midnight. 201 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,440 The one thing I did, this was before cell phones. 202 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:25,960 The one thing I did do was keep my phone on 203 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,640 because that's how I did my business, right? 204 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:31,700 And what I, it was in November, 205 00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:35,280 my sobriety date is December 23rd, 1993. 206 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,480 So I got 30 years working on 31. 207 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:41,320 But what I used to do is I would take all the candles 208 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,600 and I would melt them into a big bowl. 209 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,960 And then, you know, I would just take a piece of paper 210 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,360 and light it on fire and throw it on the bowl. 211 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:49,780 And the wax would just burn. 212 00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:52,160 It'd be like a big bowl of streaming wax 213 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,440 in the middle of my living room there, you know? 214 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:55,280 And I had, so it was great. 215 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:58,000 It was like warmth and light. 216 00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,800 But every now and then I'd get in the bowl and crack 217 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,080 and this flaming wax would come pouring out. 218 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,160 And like, you know, the real fire hazard 219 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:05,340 with all that trash everywhere. 220 00:09:05,340 --> 00:09:07,440 But anyway, so it was really, I wasn't able to score. 221 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,040 And so I called my, I was like, I can't kick here. 222 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:11,040 This is gonna be the worst. 223 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,500 So I called my parents and they, 224 00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,460 I told them that I was sick. 225 00:09:15,460 --> 00:09:16,300 I had the flu. 226 00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:18,400 I was like, I got a really bad flu. 227 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,480 Can I come recuperate ear huffs? 228 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:21,320 They're like, yeah. 229 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:22,140 And I was like, all right, cool. 230 00:09:22,140 --> 00:09:23,400 It's really bad. 231 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,220 It's so bad. 232 00:09:24,220 --> 00:09:26,760 No matter what I say, no matter what I do, 233 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,480 don't let me leave for three days. 234 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:29,480 They were like, okay. 235 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,240 So then my dad came and picked me up. 236 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,840 We went back to his house and then I'll just never forget 237 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,360 this, I was sitting on, sitting in my parents' bathroom 238 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,440 like this, rivering and sweating. 239 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,360 And my mom says to me, oh my God, what's wrong with you? 240 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:42,580 You look like a homeless person. 241 00:09:42,580 --> 00:09:44,360 And I was like, what are you talking about? 242 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:45,960 And I looked down at my hands 243 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,000 and caked around my hands was dirt. 244 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,520 And I thought to myself, well, wait, 245 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,280 when was the last time I took a shower? 246 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,840 I realized it had been two weeks since I took a shower. 247 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,500 And I thought, when was the last time I washed my clothes? 248 00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:56,340 I couldn't even remember 249 00:09:56,340 --> 00:09:57,920 when the last time I washed my clothes was. 250 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,400 And I had a moment of clarity 251 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,480 and I decided to tell him what was going on. 252 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,800 So I told him what was going on and my mom is a shrink. 253 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,560 And she was like, okay, he can kick on the couch. 254 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:10,240 And I was like, no way. 255 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,720 'Cause my dad had known a bunch of heroin and he was like, 256 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,880 no, he either goes to rehab or he hits the street, right. 257 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:22,240 And I was like, okay, well, homeless or go to rehab. 258 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,200 I'll go to rehab. 259 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:24,160 So I went to rehab. 260 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,160 And that's where I heard that whole thing 261 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:29,920 about what it felt like before they started drinking. 262 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:34,120 And so I started to go to, they would go to the meetings, 263 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,320 go to AA meetings every day. 264 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:37,620 And I started going to the meetings. 265 00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:40,600 And it was a hard time because listen, 266 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,440 I drank a lot of alcohol. 267 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,200 I never had a relationship with alcohol 268 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:47,360 like I did with heroin or even weed for that matter. 269 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,440 I mean, don't get me wrong. 270 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,020 I drank pretty much every day, 271 00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:53,680 but I didn't get sick like that if I didn't have it. 272 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:55,800 I love the effect. 273 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,640 I do not like the way alcohol tastes, okay. 274 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,920 I like the way alcohol feels. 275 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:05,280 In the big book it says, Dr. Silkwood says alcoholics drink 276 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:06,920 because they like the effect of alcohol. 277 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,800 That is exactly why I drank 278 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,520 'cause I liked the way it made me feel. 279 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,600 And I just, if I just drank a little, that wasn't enough. 280 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,320 I had to get wasted. 281 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,240 Oblivion, that's what I was going for. 282 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,540 But I never had that same relationship with alcohol 283 00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:20,960 like I did with heroin or weed. 284 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,200 So I had a hard time in AA at first. 285 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:27,200 And they told me, they were telling me 286 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,080 all kinds of things to do. 287 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,000 They said to go to sober living. 288 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,200 And I was like, "No, but you don't understand. 289 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,220 "I've got this great apartment to go back to." 290 00:11:33,220 --> 00:11:35,560 (laughing) 291 00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:37,760 So they were like, "Okay, fine. 292 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:38,880 "Go back, that's fine." 293 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:43,540 And so I went back and my dad had bought me a Coleman lantern 294 00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:44,980 as a coming home present. 295 00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:47,720 And this was one of the old Coleman lanterns 296 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,720 where you had to light it and it would make that sound so. 297 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:54,220 So I can light it up, walk me in my door. 298 00:11:54,220 --> 00:11:56,000 I'm standing there with the Coleman lantern 299 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,920 and I say to him, "Dad, don't worry about me. 300 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,680 "I know I'm a drug addict. 301 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,980 "I know I can never do drugs again. 302 00:12:02,980 --> 00:12:03,820 "Don't worry." 303 00:12:03,820 --> 00:12:05,160 And he says, "Okay, love you, son." 304 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:06,160 He turned around and walked away. 305 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,320 I watched him walk to the end of the driveway and turn 306 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,540 and I ran right to where I kept my scale 307 00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:13,000 and I scrounged up a little weed there was there 308 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:13,940 and I rolled a joint. 309 00:12:13,940 --> 00:12:16,160 Literally five minutes I was alone 310 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:17,840 and I'm sitting there with this joint 311 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,360 and I'm about to spark it up. 312 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:20,840 And I think to myself, "Wait a minute." 313 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:24,160 They said in AA, "Call someone before you use." 314 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,660 And then I thought, "Fuck that, if I do that, 315 00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:28,680 "they're gonna convince me not to use." 316 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,240 Yeah, and so I sparked it up and I took that hit 317 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,920 and I swear to God, the second I took that hit, 318 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,880 my mind just pounced. 319 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,720 Said, "Well, now you screwed it up. 320 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,620 "You might as well go all the way. 321 00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,320 "Get what you really want. 322 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:42,960 "You fucked everything up anyway." 323 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,280 And I was like, "Oh my God." 324 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,700 And I was like, "Believe me, when I got sober, 325 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,040 "I hated my life. 326 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,840 "I really, it was a nightmare. 327 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:55,000 "I could not stop, but I could not continue." 328 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,480 It was like I was at that point in my life 329 00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,720 where it was like either I just kill myself 330 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:04,720 or I get sober or I just continue on into oblivion, right? 331 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,880 And that was a nightmare to me. 332 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,520 And so I just got really scared 333 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:12,320 and I just sat on my hands all night freaking out 334 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,880 until the morning when my friend picked me up 335 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,880 and took me to the morning meeting that we went to. 336 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,960 And I told him I relapsed and everything 337 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:24,320 and we went into the meeting and I kept raising my hand 338 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,160 'cause I wanted to share and no one would call on me. 339 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,800 I was just getting one more fist off. 340 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:34,400 And finally, they're like, "Burning desire time." 341 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:35,640 I don't know if it's a burning desire, 342 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:37,560 but my friend was like, "He needs to share." 343 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,180 So they called on me and I said, 344 00:13:39,180 --> 00:13:42,840 "Listen, I've heard people say 345 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,900 "that when they came to AA, they felt at home. 346 00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:48,260 "I did not feel that way, but I can't go back. 347 00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:49,600 "I can't go back to my home. 348 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:52,600 "My home is, I can't stay sober in my home. 349 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,660 "So I need to make this my home. 350 00:13:54,660 --> 00:13:57,220 "So if anybody here knows how to stay sober, 351 00:13:57,220 --> 00:13:59,200 "please tell me," right? 352 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,200 And it was like, if every year you wanna know 353 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,720 how to stay sober, I dare you to raise your hand 354 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:09,120 in an AA meeting and ask because there's 20 control freaks 355 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,280 in here right now that totally wanna tell you 356 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,560 what you do, right? 357 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,720 And it's crazy 'cause I think back on it now 358 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:19,120 and it's like that night when I smoked that joint, 359 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:20,800 it's like I looked around my apartment 360 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:24,760 and I realized that first of all, I was powerless 361 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,160 because I couldn't go five minutes without it. 362 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,640 And second of all, my life was completely unmanageable 363 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:31,380 because drugs have been paying rent 364 00:14:31,380 --> 00:14:32,960 in that apartment for years. 365 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,400 And it had taken my electricity and my heat 366 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:39,400 and I couldn't function without it. 367 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:43,640 I just knew that I could not function without drugs. 368 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:47,140 And I remembered the people in AA 369 00:14:47,140 --> 00:14:49,480 that they somehow knew how to stay sober. 370 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:52,800 So I came to believe that a power greater than myself, 371 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:56,520 the people in AA could tell me how to stay sober. 372 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,040 And I made a decision that night that I was gonna do 373 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,840 what they told me to do. 374 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,080 And so that's what I did. 375 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,160 And so they told me the same things you hear 376 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:06,360 in a lot of meetings. 377 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,760 They said 90 meetings in 90 days, keep coming back. 378 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,280 I took that to me, keep coming back to the same meetings. 379 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:12,120 And I did. 380 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,880 And I ended up knowing a whole bunch of, by doing that, 381 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:17,920 I ended up getting to know a whole bunch of sober people. 382 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:20,360 I didn't know any sober people when I first got clean sober. 383 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:21,960 It's like, I didn't wanna know sober people. 384 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,000 I didn't trust sober people. 385 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,000 I thought sober people were freaks. 386 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,600 I just wanted them to stay away from me. 387 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,500 I got to know a bunch of sober people that way. 388 00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:32,720 They told me to take commitments. 389 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:33,720 And I did that. 390 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,880 And again, I got to know a bunch of people that way. 391 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,440 And I got to start to feel like I had a purpose in life. 392 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,200 They told me to put sobriety first in my life 393 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,600 and let everything else follow. 394 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:44,720 And I did that. 395 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,840 They told me to pursue sobriety 396 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,100 like I pursued my addiction. 397 00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:50,400 And I pursued my addiction like a maniac. 398 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,220 And so I did that. 399 00:15:52,220 --> 00:15:54,680 And I pursued sobriety like a maniac. 400 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,400 I went to as many meetings, three meetings a day 401 00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:58,400 for a long time. 402 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,400 They told me to get a sponsor and work the steps. 403 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,320 And I did that. 404 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:03,840 And that means a lot of things to a lot of different people. 405 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,000 And I remember when I went back to that meeting, 406 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,360 I had an idea of who I want. 407 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:08,800 I was like, I gotta get a sponsor. 408 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,480 And I had gotten a sponsor when I was in rehab, 409 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,580 but it was just like, because she said, 410 00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:15,840 we're not gonna let you go to phase two 411 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,380 unless you get a sponsor, right? 412 00:16:17,380 --> 00:16:18,520 So I'd gotten a sponsor. 413 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:21,840 And I called the guy and he never called me back, never. 414 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:22,960 So then there was this other guy 415 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,120 who was going to a ton of meetings 416 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,300 and he was in the music business. 417 00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:27,320 And I was like, that's the guy I want as my sponsor. 418 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,400 But it was December 23rd, right, that I got clean. 419 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:34,520 And so when I went to the AA meeting, he was on vacation. 420 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:35,360 He wasn't there. 421 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:36,720 And there was this other guy there 422 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,040 who I had seen at a bunch of meetings that had commitments. 423 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,600 And he was 10 years older than me 424 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,280 and he had two years clean and sober. 425 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,040 And I was just like, all right, I'm gonna ask him to, 426 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,360 and I have no idea who this guy is. 427 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:46,880 But I'm gonna ask him to be my sponsor. 428 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:47,720 So I asked him. 429 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:51,760 And it turns out, actually, we had a lot in common. 430 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:52,600 It was weird. 431 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,520 You know, at first, I didn't think we did. 432 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,840 He was 10 years older than me. 433 00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,120 But then it turned out we actually had a lot in common. 434 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,280 And we would get together every week 435 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:05,880 and we would read the big book and the 12 and 12. 436 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:07,660 And we would talk about it, break it down, 437 00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:09,120 talk about it and stuff like that. 438 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,600 And it was really cool. 439 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:11,940 I got to know him really well. 440 00:17:11,940 --> 00:17:14,120 And he got to know me well. 441 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,240 He got to know me better than anybody. 442 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,360 And then we got to the fourth step. 443 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:22,460 And I was really scared about the fourth step. 444 00:17:22,460 --> 00:17:25,800 And he had me do the inventory out of the big book, 445 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,560 you know, the four column inventory. 446 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:30,360 But then he also had me make a list of secrets 447 00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:31,960 that I swore I would never tell anybody 448 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,400 and that I was gonna take to the grave. 449 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,840 And he was like, don't worry about telling it to anybody. 450 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:38,280 Just write it down. 451 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,800 So I did that and I was doing this fourth step. 452 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:45,600 And I realized every single person I could remember 453 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,780 to literally, I had a resentment against. 454 00:17:47,780 --> 00:17:49,000 (laughing) 455 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:52,280 So I pissed off at everybody, my best friends. 456 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,160 Like, you know, for things that are just stupid. 457 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,520 Like I remember in high school, one of my best friends, 458 00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:01,000 he just had the six pack and he didn't work out or anything, 459 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,280 but he just was born that way. 460 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:03,840 And I was like, that's not fair. 461 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,000 (laughing) 462 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,000 I didn't hang him for that, I didn't hang him. 463 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,240 He was like one of my best friends. 464 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:09,720 But I was pissed off at him for that. 465 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,720 You know, all of this happened against him. 466 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,600 And just like everybody, I mean, it was just crazy. 467 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,040 And you know, and they told me also to, you know, 468 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:22,200 we did the fear inventory and the sex inventory. 469 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:23,760 And I remember I was having a real hard time 470 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,760 sleeping back then and I'd stay up all night 471 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:28,320 writing this fourth step, you know. 472 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,920 And I mean, probably not writing, mostly thinking. 473 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:34,500 And I was doing this, the inventory on the sex. 474 00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,360 And I remember there was this time when I was in high school 475 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,520 that I had this scene partner, it was this woman 476 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:40,660 we were supposed to kiss in the scene, 477 00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:41,820 but she was like, beautiful. 478 00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:42,660 And I was totally in there. 479 00:18:42,660 --> 00:18:44,960 And like, so I decided I would, when we kissed, 480 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,160 I would try to French kiss her. 481 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,040 So I did, and she got pissed off and she smacked me. 482 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,440 And like, and we never talked again, right? 483 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:54,880 And I was like, oh God, I can't put that on my fourth step 484 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:56,800 at like three or four in the morning. 485 00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,100 Didn't sleep at all that night. 486 00:18:58,100 --> 00:19:00,040 And I went to the 7 a.m. meeting. 487 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,540 I swear to God, I hadn't thought about her since then, 488 00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:04,680 probably, well, maybe a little bit, but not much. 489 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,740 I sat down in the meeting and she sits right next to me 490 00:19:07,740 --> 00:19:08,580 in the meeting. 491 00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:11,360 - Yeah, I was like, well. 492 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,060 - It was like so weird. 493 00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:14,800 And people just started coming out of the woodwork 494 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:15,760 like that, you know? 495 00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:18,960 And so anyway, so, you know, we continued to do that. 496 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,880 And I really felt like I had been sort of beaten 497 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:26,760 into submission and gotten my ego crushed 498 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:29,560 to the point where I was willing to do whatever it took. 499 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:33,000 And this one thing happened to me that really hit home to me. 500 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,480 So when I was using, I hadn't been to the dentist 501 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,680 in like 15 years or more even. 502 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,200 And it was a long stretch of time 503 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,520 when I didn't brush my teeth. 504 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,920 And so my teeth were falling apart. 505 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:44,560 And I remember when I was using, 506 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,720 I remember one time I was hanging out 507 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,500 with a bunch of my friends and I was eating an apple 508 00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:50,600 and a piece of my tooth broke off. 509 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:51,780 This was a molar. 510 00:19:51,780 --> 00:19:53,900 And I spit it out and put it in my hand 511 00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:55,880 and looked at all my friends and I was like, 512 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,440 I'm not telling them this, you know? 513 00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,600 And I just put it in my pocket, right? 514 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,280 And so by the time I got sober, you know, 515 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,040 I was missing some teeth in the back. 516 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,200 There were black holes. 517 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,880 There were other teeth that were broken. 518 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,000 And yeah, I was just getting loaded all the time. 519 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:08,840 So I didn't feel it. 520 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:12,040 And I get pleaded sober and all of a sudden, 521 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,080 now I'm in a whole lot of pain, right? 522 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,720 And I called my sponsor and I was like, 523 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:16,560 what am I gonna do? 524 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:18,640 And he's like, go to the dentist and have sex. 525 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,680 I hadn't been to the dentist in 15 years or something. 526 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:21,520 You know, and he was like, 527 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,200 I'm gonna give you the phone number of the dentist. 528 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,800 Call him up, he's in the program. 529 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:25,800 He'll hook you up. 530 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:26,640 I was like, okay. 531 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,480 So he gives me the phone number. 532 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,640 He said, call him and then call me back. 533 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:31,920 Call him and then I called him back. 534 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:32,880 And I said, okay, I did it. 535 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,360 And I was like, but I'm probably not gonna show up. 536 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,600 I never go to the dentist. 537 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,480 He said, pray for the willingness to go to the dentist. 538 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,200 I was like, what is praying for the willingness 539 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:41,680 to go to the dentist gonna do for me? 540 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,480 At this point, I really didn't, I wasn't a God guy too much. 541 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,400 I was, it kind of turned me off actually. 542 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:47,440 I was like, what am I gonna do? 543 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,480 How's that gonna work for me? 544 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,960 And he said, look, just pray for the willingness 545 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,240 to have the willingness to go to the dentist. 546 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:54,080 I was like, fine. 547 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:55,320 So I hung up with them. 548 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:56,720 I started praying for, please God, 549 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,200 give me the willingness to have the willingness 550 00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,080 to go to the dentist. 551 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:00,840 Please give me the willingness to have the willingness 552 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:01,680 to go to the dentist. 553 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,960 Saying that over and over again until I realized like, 554 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,960 I think to myself, well, how's God gonna give me 555 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,360 the willingness to go to the dentist? 556 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,360 And then I realized, God is gonna keep me 557 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:13,040 in so much fucking pain that it looks like a good idea 558 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:14,720 to go to the dentist, right? 559 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,440 And I realized like that is the story of my life. 560 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,480 I just, I have to get my back against the wall 561 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:21,520 before I do anything. 562 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,160 I, you know, they used to say that this is 563 00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:25,600 a threefold disease. 564 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,880 It's well, kind of baffling and powerful, 565 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,520 but they also said it affects our body, 566 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:30,520 our mind and our spirit. 567 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:33,160 And it was obvious for me to see how it affected my body 568 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:34,000 'cause I'd get sick. 569 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,560 My mind and my spirit was harder. 570 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,200 And I remember one time I was in rehab with these guys, 571 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:39,680 you know, distended livers. 572 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,440 They were jaundiced, they were homeless. 573 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,800 And I was like, I don't think I've hit bottom yet really. 574 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:44,640 You know? 575 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,320 So I called my mom and I was like, mom, 576 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:47,560 I don't think I've hit bottom yet. 577 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,320 She was like, fine, we'll plan a funeral 578 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:50,880 if you haven't had bottom yet. 579 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,400 But at that point, you know, death didn't, 580 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:56,800 death actually looked like a good idea at times, you know? 581 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,840 So that wasn't rewarding me, but I realized like, 582 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:01,520 what I was saying, what am I saying there? 583 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,160 I'm saying that I want to lose everything 584 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,080 before I stopped doing drugs. 585 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:08,760 I want to lose, I want to be like those people 586 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:09,800 before I stop. 587 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:11,640 And I thought, that's just crazy. 588 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,760 That's how it affects my mind, you know? 589 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:17,600 And so anyway, you know, I ended up going to the dentist 590 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:21,200 and I was really ashamed and embarrassed. 591 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:24,120 And I, this was like an analogy for my disease. 592 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:27,440 I thought that this dentist was gonna look inside. 593 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,200 I was gonna open up my mouth and let someone see inside. 594 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,000 And they were gonna see all the rot 595 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:36,280 that is on the inside of me and smell the disgustingness 596 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:39,640 of who it is that's inside there and say, you know, 597 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,640 you're disgusting, you're horrible, 598 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,520 and I never want to see you again, right? 599 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:44,840 This is just too much. 600 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:45,960 That's what I was afraid of. 601 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,280 And you know, when I went to the dentist, you know, 602 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,040 it was, that wasn't the case at all. 603 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:51,800 When I opened my mouth and let him look inside, 604 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:54,520 he saw a gold mine and he was like, right on, 605 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,320 let's get it to his head. 606 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:58,280 So whatever, they rebuilt my mouth, you know? 607 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,080 And that was just like, that's how it was. 608 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:03,720 That's how I felt about myself, you know, really. 609 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:07,160 It's like, you know, that feeling of not being a part of 610 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:11,080 that feeling of like, I'm a freak, you know, I'm disgusting. 611 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:14,240 You know, this, I've heard it described as shame, you know, 612 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:15,960 that that's what, that's how I felt. 613 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,760 And that, you know, here's the deal. 614 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,600 Recovery really has been for me this journey 615 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:23,960 into self-acceptance, figuring out who I am 616 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,040 and then also figuring out who I'm not 617 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,480 because I had a lot of misperceptions about who I thought 618 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:29,320 I was. 619 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,760 When I got sober, my first name is Benjamin. 620 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:34,680 My middle name is Joshua. 621 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,520 My parents named me Joshua and then never called me that. 622 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:40,600 I mean, they named me Benjamin and never called me that. 623 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,320 They always called me Josh, all right? 624 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:45,480 Well, as I got older, all my friends started calling me, 625 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:46,600 I had a nickname, Shribe. 626 00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:47,640 My last name is Shriber. 627 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:48,960 So they all called me Shribe. 628 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,880 So when I first got clean and sober, it's like, 629 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,000 I didn't know who I was. 630 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,800 It's like, you know, I had to, they would say at the meeting, 631 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,800 raise your hand, say your name and the name of your disease. 632 00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,640 And I was like, so I had to pick a name basically, you know? 633 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:04,120 Am I Shribe, am I Ben, am I Josh? 634 00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:06,680 You know, and so I decided I'd go with Josh 635 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,840 and call myself an alcoholic, you know? 636 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:13,280 And that was like the first time that I looked at myself 637 00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:15,600 through this different lens about, you know, 638 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,680 instead of just, I used to think I was just this guy 639 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,200 that liked to party, you know? 640 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,800 And I thought of myself as like, you know, 641 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:24,960 a jokester and a womanizer and, you know, 642 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,040 these are all these things that I thought I was. 643 00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:29,320 And, but, you know, so then I started looking at myself 644 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:31,000 from a different, through a different lens 645 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,520 of being an alcoholic and what does that mean, you know? 646 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,000 And, you know, and so, so I started doing that 647 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,640 and it was like the beginning of my journey 648 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,000 into self-acceptance, figuring out who I am. 649 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,520 And, you know, I had people say to me when I was new, 650 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,480 you know, 'cause I was 27 when I got sober, 651 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,960 I had a moha when I got sober too. 652 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:51,840 And, you know, people used to say to me I spilled more 653 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:52,680 than you drank. 654 00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:54,080 And there was this one guy that would come up to me 655 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:55,600 and say, are you a real alcoholic? 656 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:57,640 And I was like, I don't know if I'm a real alcoholic. 657 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,760 You know, I don't even think you like alcohol, right? 658 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,680 The only reason I drink alcohol is to get wasted, you know? 659 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:06,960 And I certainly didn't have that relationship with it 660 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,000 that I did with other drugs. 661 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:10,400 And so there was this other guy in the meeting 662 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,320 that would raise that, my name's Don 663 00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:13,520 and I'm a real alcoholic. 664 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:14,800 And so I went up to Don, I said, 665 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,280 how do you know you're a real alcoholic? 666 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:17,480 And Don said, listen, Josh, 667 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,400 I don't say I'm a real alcoholic to convince you 668 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:20,600 I'm a real alcoholic. 669 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,800 And I don't say I'm a real alcoholic to convince anyone 670 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:24,400 in here that I'm a real alcoholic. 671 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,720 I say I'm a real alcoholic to convince myself 672 00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:29,280 that I'm a real alcoholic because my head says 673 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:31,120 I'm not a real alcoholic. 674 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:33,600 I'm a crack head and I can drink one beer. 675 00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:35,920 And I thought about it and I realized, you know what? 676 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:37,720 That's what my head was doing too. 677 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,480 It was, I saw my friends drinking beer 678 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,600 and I thought, why can't I just drink one beer? 679 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:43,480 What's the big deal? 680 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:45,600 I don't even have a problem with alcohol. 681 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,680 But the reality is I don't like beer. 682 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,400 It's every one reason I don't drink beer 683 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,320 and that's to get wasted. 684 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,960 And one beer is not gonna come. 685 00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:59,120 So this is just a lie that my head is telling me 686 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:00,400 to start drinking. 687 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:03,640 And I know once I start, my head jumps on me and says, 688 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:06,360 you blew it anyway, you might as well go all the way. 689 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:09,160 And so listen, they say this is a self-diagnosed disease. 690 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,320 You're the only one that can call yourself an alcoholic. 691 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:12,800 But you know, the reality is also, 692 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,240 you're the only one that can say you're not an alcoholic. 693 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,640 And the only requirement for membership in AA 694 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,400 is a desire to stop drinking. 695 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,360 So that means if I had one drink in my whole life 696 00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:24,920 and I never wanted to drink again, guess what? 697 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:26,680 I can be in AA, right? 698 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,280 As long as I never wanna drink again. 699 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,280 And so, you know, I'm an alcoholic. 700 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:33,200 So I can be a part of AA, right? 701 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,480 And you know, look, so I've thought about this a lot, 702 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,160 you know, and even in the big book, Bill's story, 703 00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:41,680 he's talking about alcohol and I can totally relate 704 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:42,880 to everything he's talking about 705 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,440 when he's talking about his drinking. 706 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,960 But he also talks about that he couldn't sleep 707 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,720 and he got a prescription for sedatives 708 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:50,720 and he got addicted to sedatives too. 709 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:53,000 So I mean, anybody says that you're, you know, 710 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,400 but nobody can tell you you are an alcoholic. 711 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:56,520 Nobody can tell you you're not. 712 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:58,920 If you, you know, you have a desire to stop drinking, 713 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:00,560 you're gonna be a member of AA, period. 714 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:02,520 So anyway, I get all those things. 715 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:04,120 You know, I got those commitments. 716 00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:05,480 I went to tons of meetings. 717 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:06,440 I still go to meetings. 718 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:07,720 I've been clean this over 30 years. 719 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,200 My life completely changed, all right? 720 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:14,600 And you know, I didn't necessarily get what I wanted out of life 721 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:18,240 but I definitely got it, got what I needed, all right? 722 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:21,120 And you know, I heard early on when you ask God 723 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,120 for something, he has three answers for you. 724 00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:25,560 One is, one is yes. 725 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,040 The other is not now. 726 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:31,160 And the other is, I got something better for you. 727 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:36,160 And you know, I have gotten way more than what I wanted. 728 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,520 It doesn't look the way I wanted it to, 729 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:43,520 but I got, you know, I got way more than I wanted. 730 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:49,200 And some of it had to do with giving up ideas 731 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:51,280 and hopes and dreams 732 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:54,200 and starting to get grounded in reality, all right? 733 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,600 And you know, this idea that I am not, 734 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,240 I was talking to Nate before we came, 735 00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:00,400 I'm not the things that I do. 736 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,240 I'm not the things that I wear. 737 00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:04,600 I'm, you know, say I'm wearing the shirt, 738 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,480 this tie and this jacket. 739 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:10,840 I don't wear this in everyday life, you know? 740 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:14,120 And when I work, I have a work outfit that I have to wear. 741 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:18,000 And you know, so listen, you know, I met my wife in AA. 742 00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:19,920 We have a kid now, 743 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,520 and my life is way beyond my wildest dreams. 744 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:25,560 So, you know, I just needed to put aside 745 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:27,240 what I was thinking is the best thing to do. 746 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:28,760 Listen to what other people are telling me to do 747 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:29,800 and then do that. 748 00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:33,360 And that has changed my life in my opinion for the better. 749 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:35,360 And that's the only opinion that matters to me. 750 00:28:35,360 --> 00:28:36,200 So, yeah.