1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,880 Hi everybody. My name is Mindy. I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:05,360 This setup is very impressive. 3 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:10,480 I am fascinated with the lights that my dear friend Scott has the control and 4 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:15,320 power over over here. Um, I want to thank Nate for asking me to speak. 5 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:19,360 It is really an honor to be here. Um, and thank, 6 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:24,400 thank you to every single person in this room who was so welcoming and that I 7 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:29,400 don't know where else in our culture that we have something like this where you 8 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,160 guys don't know who I am, 9 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:36,200 but this welcoming the hugs and the handshakes and the feeling what happens in 10 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:41,480 me is is I drank for that feeling to be a part of and um, 11 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:47,520 and yet I haven't gotten in any trouble coming into these rooms and I got into 12 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:51,760 so much trouble when I was getting that from a bottle. 13 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,720 So thank you all for being so kind and welcoming. 14 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:59,680 This really is the best deal in town and I want to say hi to everybody who's on 15 00:00:59,700 --> 00:01:00,080 line. 16 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:04,520 I'm so grateful that we are at a stage in our culture that we have this kind of 17 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,800 technology and we can share this like this. 18 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:11,480 And also thank you to anybody who is helping with this technology because it's 19 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:15,400 pretty extraordinary. Um, there's no newcomers, which is pretty, 20 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,800 is there anyone new on zoom? Anybody new? Okay, great. 21 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:23,600 Let's talk about tradition. Um, 22 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:28,200 I want to thank Greg for an incredibly moving, powerful, 23 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:32,560 share with us. Um, and I'm going to copy your work, sir. 24 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:37,640 I got over August 2nd, 1998 I have had two sponsors. 25 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,680 One sponsored me for my first year and then she said, 26 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,800 so you're a little bird and I'm pushing you out of the nest. And I was like, 27 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:47,640 why? And she said, cause I only have a year and you need someone with more time. 28 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:48,480 And I said, okay, great. 29 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:53,240 And I found a really extraordinary woman who had everything I wanted and she is 30 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,480 still my sponsor today and she's 94 years old. 31 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:01,160 I love her from the depths of my soul. She's an extraordinary, 32 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:05,680 extraordinary woman who's been sober for over 50 years. And, um, 33 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,760 and I aspire to be like her and, 34 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:12,800 and often I don't even have to call her because I think what would Roz do? 35 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:17,000 And I, and, and her, her wisdom and her guidance is always like, honey, 36 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,680 did you pray about it? So I pray about it. I do writing and then I'll, 37 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:22,480 and then I'll probably call her. But, um, 38 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:27,560 you said something that so resonated for me as far as having chess in your head 39 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:32,040 that you were playing the chess in your head. And one of the reasons I love, 40 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:37,080 love coming to Alcoholics Anonymous is I hear a line from my song that I've never 41 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:43,200 heard before because I so resonate with that and you put into words experience 42 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,760 that I've had that I've never articulated before. 43 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,960 So thank you for that because every meeting I go to, 44 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:54,320 I understand myself and that is pretty extraordinary. 45 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:58,840 How what a fortunate group of people we are that we may have stumbled to liquor 46 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,520 stores and drug dealers and everything, 47 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:05,280 but we can come together here and maybe feel a little more comfortable in our 48 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,080 skin because we're not alone. 49 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:11,800 And I never understood that when I was in active alcoholism. 50 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:16,760 I never understood that and I come here and I feel a part of, 51 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:22,000 and that's a pretty extraordinary feeling. Um, what else did you say of your, 52 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:26,800 you said all this great stuff. So I have 26 years of recovery, um, 53 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,600 two sponsors and like you, 54 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:34,320 when I came in there was a very consistent formula. 55 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:39,440 You go to 90 meetings in 90 days, you get a sponsor, you work the steps. 56 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:43,560 And I was like, okay, reasonable. That was absolutely reasonable. 57 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:48,240 And when I have made that suggestion to people who are really 58 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,760 suffering, they're like 90 meetings and 90 days. 59 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:55,040 And I always look at them and I, and I, and two things happen. 60 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:59,840 I'm so grateful that that was not my experience. I was like, that's okay. 61 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:04,160 Like what else am I doing? I'm not a busy gal at that point. I was, 62 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:08,320 it was a miserable, miserable time and I had nothing better to do. 63 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:13,840 And I was crawling out of my skin, but these meetings, I felt safe. 64 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:18,320 And I had these glimmers of, I'm not crazy. 65 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:22,880 I'm an alcoholic. And that was actually really good news. That was, I had, 66 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:27,200 there was a great sense of relief in that because I felt insane. 67 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,200 I felt really, really crazy. And, um, 68 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,760 I'm going to take you guys back to the beginning. 69 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,760 Let's walk it back a little bit. I was born and raised in San Francisco. 70 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:41,960 Four one five where, um, I was a teenager in the eighties. 71 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,000 And, and what I, 72 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:48,240 what I consider the irony is that in San Francisco in the sixties, 73 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:51,720 seventies and eighties, there, there was a very strong drug culture. 74 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:55,520 There was like a, you know, it was, it was part of our culture. Um, 75 00:04:55,520 --> 00:05:00,320 so I didn't have a lot of, this is a terrible thing. Don't do it. 76 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,560 I didn't, I was not in an environment like that, 77 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:07,800 but I will share with you that my, that I, that I grew up in a house that felt 78 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,760 pretty crazy. My parents were very lovely people. 79 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:15,120 They wanted the best for us and they, and they worked really hard. However, 80 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:19,360 they grew up in environments that were extremely scrappy. 81 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,840 They both were, were, were raised during the depression. 82 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:27,080 And then it had a profound effect on them and on their families. 83 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:31,920 And I really appreciate that. And I understand that their focus was their work. 84 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,800 And there was a lot of fighting in my house. 85 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:40,080 There was a lot of anger in my house and there was a lot of 86 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:44,800 unaddressed mental health issues that came out sideways. 87 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:45,920 And I have an older sister. 88 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:50,080 So there were two little girls who were really scared and not really protected 89 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:50,920 and not nurtured. 90 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:56,080 And I ended up self medicating with drugs and alcohol. 91 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:59,640 My sister used drugs and was actually able to put it down, 92 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:03,800 but she also struggled with some mental health issues that never really got 93 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:08,720 fully addressed. And because I was in the fishbowl of this happening, 94 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,560 I had no understanding of what was happening. 95 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,240 I thought everybody's parents did what my parents did. 96 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:17,720 Although when I did visit my friends, there was a sweetness and there was a, 97 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:21,080 there was a connection and a warmth. Sometimes my, 98 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:25,640 my friends moms would hug me and it was like mana from heaven. 99 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,440 It just, it had the biggest effect on me. And, um, 100 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,960 so I, I remember, 101 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:37,000 I remember first having, and I hope I remember drinking wine 102 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,360 coolers. I mean, it's impressive, right? Um, 103 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,440 about 14 and what, 104 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:46,760 what growing up in my house gave me was a lot of, of tension. 105 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:51,720 Like if people are fighting and there's no way to discharge that feeling in your 106 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:53,840 body, I kind of felt like I was walking around like this. 107 00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:55,920 And when I had this wine cooler, 108 00:06:55,960 --> 00:07:00,160 I felt like they were hearts and angels because my, my everything just kind of 109 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:05,000 relax. And something in my head said, this must be what people do. 110 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,800 This must be how to deal with the stress of, 111 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,440 of life and something in my head was like, okay, 112 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,120 so this is how we get the relief we need duly noted. 113 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:18,200 And because I was in San Francisco and it was a pretty 114 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,440 permissive, I also, I mean, 115 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,440 I had a fake ID and parents who weren't really paying attention. 116 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,760 So that worked out very, very well. 117 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,840 Um, I, there weren't a lot of consequences. 118 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,680 There was a lot of experimenting with a lot of different things. 119 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:36,520 We seem to kind of keep it together so that I never got in trouble 120 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,640 for my using. When I, I, uh, 121 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:43,760 when it slowed things down because I knew I need to really like to focus in 122 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:47,120 college. And so I, um, that had my attention. 123 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,840 I wanted to succeed because I wanted to move to Los Angeles. 124 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:54,240 And so I did that and I was working in the film industry. Uh, 125 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:58,120 I worked in casting and I had so much fun and I was very, 126 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:02,960 very focused and very driven. And what I noticed happening, 127 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,840 and I couldn't understand this while it was happening, 128 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:10,680 but only when I got sober, was I able to look back and say, Oh my goodness, 129 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:13,360 what? It was very clear to me. Once I got sober, 130 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,600 I would drink a lot over heartbreak and stress. 131 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:21,200 And I had a particularly terrible breakup with somebody who I was very, 132 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:25,880 very much in love with. And I drank to make those feelings go away. 133 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,760 And it worked for a few hours. 134 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:32,760 And I would wake up in the morning with terrible hangovers and I would just, 135 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,040 you know, pop some Advil. I'm like, you know, I'm Irish. 136 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:39,040 This is what we do to soldier on. And my drinking, I, 137 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,640 my tolerance went up and I thought I'm Irish boy, howdy. And I, 138 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:46,880 I took this as a, as a badge of honor and it really wasn't, it was, 139 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:51,800 my alcoholism was progressing rapidly and going up to the time 140 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:56,720 when, when it necessitated coming to, to see you lovely people, I, 141 00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:00,080 we had something happen in my family that was really terrible. 142 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,320 As far as certain people had information, 143 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:03,960 certain people did not have information. 144 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,040 And I was absolutely blindsided and, 145 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:11,480 and I drank because the feeling in my body was intolerable. 146 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:16,400 And I was on hiatus from, from a show that I was working on. And I, 147 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:21,440 I had rules for myself as I had been told non-alcoholics don't make rules. 148 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:22,520 Isn't that crazy? 149 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:26,560 They apparently don't need to make rules about limits of when you can start 150 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:30,080 drinking and the days you can drink. I thought I was very organized. 151 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:35,280 Apparently that's an alcoholic thing. And, um, 152 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:39,720 and I was drinking every day at that point because of the pain. And, and, 153 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:43,160 you know, one day I was just like, so this can't go on. 154 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:47,080 I desperately need the help and support and I can't think my way out of this 155 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:50,600 because this is just going to keep getting worse. And, uh, 156 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:55,240 I came to these lovely rooms and people were so kind and welcoming to me in the 157 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:56,680 same way that all of you guys were. 158 00:09:56,680 --> 00:10:00,920 And I wasn't used to that because what was going on inside of me and inside of 159 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,800 here was brutal, that I couldn't get it together. 160 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:09,120 I was so angry at myself and I was so hurt and there were guard rails here. 161 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:14,200 To me, the guard rail was 90 90 every single day. Come and listen and see what we do. 162 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:18,800 Every day, come and listen to what happened, what it's like, what happened, 163 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:23,280 what it's like now. And every single story I was like, that's me, that's me. 164 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:27,720 I have books, I have tons of books of writing what down, 165 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,800 what people said. It was just like me writing down the wisdom I heard in these 166 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:35,600 rooms, bloom you. And my first year of sobriety, 167 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,040 without question is one of the greatest years of my life. 168 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,200 I look back on that year and it blows my mind, 169 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:46,280 the trajectory of how horrible my life was and how beautiful it became by me 170 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:51,480 kind of taking my hands off the wheel because I was driving us into a, 171 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:55,640 into a big ditch and I wasn't going to be able to get out of it. And, and I, 172 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:59,600 and I believe the grace of God was there. Like allow yourself to get, 173 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,800 it told me to allow myself to get the help. 174 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:05,600 And it was the kind of help that had never been available to me in large part 175 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:08,120 because of the insanity that was in my house. 176 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:11,920 I didn't have a lot of messages that people were there to help. And I eventually, 177 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:12,360 I got, 178 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:17,360 I got married to a really lovely man in our in the rooms and we had two very 179 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:20,640 cool kids and moved to the suburbs, 180 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:24,400 which surprised me and the suburbs had really lovely, 181 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:28,280 lovely recovery. And I started working in recovery, um, 182 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:32,880 which I had always been very resistant to and discovered that I loved it, 183 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:37,440 that I absolutely loved it. And I have been very fortunate to work with Scott and 184 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:41,520 Nathan to be in service to people who don't have a lot of resources who 185 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:45,480 desperately want help with mental health and addiction. And what's my time, 186 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:49,920 Scotty? Really? Oh boy, buckle up. 187 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:55,400 When I was working at one of these treatment centers there were, 188 00:11:55,400 --> 00:12:00,400 and I want to be very mindful to honor the guard rails of Alcoholics Anonymous 189 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:05,200 that, that I'm not going off the reservation. Um, 190 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:09,640 so I just want to say that I'm so grateful to Bill and Bob for coming together 191 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:14,800 and creating something that is so extraordinary that I believe has to be 192 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:19,800 divinely inspired because there was not at that time the information available 193 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:24,680 to create what they created. And I will always be blown away by that. 194 00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:29,200 So when I was working in treatment, either 2015 or 2016, 195 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:34,200 a book came out that was about neuroscience and trauma and specifically about 196 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:39,000 how trauma affects the brain and body and how that can lead to, to addiction. 197 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,320 One of the things, 198 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:43,600 I think one of the reasons I've always loved Alcoholics Anonymous is that my 199 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:48,560 curiosity is satisfied because people like Greg will say something. 200 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:52,480 I'm like, Oh yes, that's so exciting. And I relate to it. 201 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:57,560 And part of my sobriety has been how, how does this work? 202 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:01,680 How do we all show up when we have, 203 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:06,120 when there are people with similar backgrounds who don't show up here? 204 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:10,840 I'm really curious. How does the brain work that, that we're the, 205 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,360 I mean, I don't know, I believe we're the lucky ones, but I'm just, 206 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,920 I've always been curious about that. 207 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:21,280 So a book came out by a psychiatrist who specializes in neuroscience and he, 208 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:27,080 he addressed a great deal of research and did research studies himself, 209 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,920 about trauma using MRIs to look at people's brains. 210 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:36,960 And his opinion is everything changed when we could look at the brain and see 211 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:40,280 what's actually lighting up because he says, I'm not telling you my opinion. 212 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:43,400 I'm telling you what the brain is telling us with MRIs. 213 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:48,200 This book had a profound impact on me because it, when I read it, 214 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:49,400 I said, now I get it. 215 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:54,800 Now I understand how the conditions in my childhood home led to me being 13 216 00:13:57,160 --> 00:14:02,120 getting an anesthesia and feeling better in my body. And why? 217 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:05,960 Because there's a neural pathway that I would want it again, 218 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:09,320 feeling a similar level of anxiety or distress. 219 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:14,360 This book helped me understand myself and it helped me understand addiction 220 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,000 better. I, um, 221 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:21,080 a colleague and I at that treatment center wrote a curriculum to be able to work 222 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:25,160 with people in our treatment center based on this man's work. 223 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,080 I tried to get into a workshop. He lives in Boston, 224 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,400 and I tried to get into a workshop with him for years and years and years. 225 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:35,560 I finally got in, uh, in 2019 for, 226 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:39,800 for a workshop happening in 2020 and I was able to meet him, 227 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:43,960 which was like meeting the greatest rock star to me ever. 228 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:48,520 And I brought the curriculum up to him, uh, in big Sur where this workshop was. 229 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:52,160 And he, uh, he read it and he said, 230 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:55,080 so I'm writing another book right now and I'd like to include your work. 231 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,720 In my book. And I, and I remember, 232 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,600 I remember actually thinking in that 60 seconds, 233 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:06,040 how grateful I was to Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob, because I didn't see this coming. 234 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,880 I just wanted to meet this guy and spent five days training with him and he's 235 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:13,360 telling me he wants to put my work in his next book. And I just, 236 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,520 I thought Bill and Bob, 237 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:20,960 because I couldn't dream of asking for something like this and my hero is kind 238 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,840 of bringing me into the fold and I somehow kept us together and said it would 239 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,960 be my great honor. Yes, yes, yes. 240 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:33,480 So I have now been training with this man for the last four years and I spent, 241 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:38,720 I spent four days with him this past weekend at a big conference in Anaheim and 242 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,440 he, uh, 243 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:44,800 the fact that I can continue doing this is a testament to Alcoholics Anonymous. 244 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:48,960 One drink and all this is gone. And if I play my cards right, 245 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:54,040 I can help more people struggling with what we struggle with and to help 246 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:59,560 demystify this and to bring relief to more people who are suffering. 247 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:04,600 And for that I am metaphorically on my knees in deep gratitude with a profound 248 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:09,960 appreciation for what this program has allowed me to do. 249 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:14,240 And now how much time do I have left? 15? Good Lord. 250 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,240 You're so sweet. 251 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,640 One of the greatest things that I learned is to go to 26th and Broadway in Santa 252 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:21,920 Monica. There's a really lovely women's meeting there. 253 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:25,360 And a woman got up to the podium and she said, here's, 254 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:29,520 here's what I need everybody to understand. When we're in active addiction, 255 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:33,000 we get overwhelmed and we get flooded with everything that's happening. 256 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,160 But the truth is that feelings have a beginning and middle and an end. 257 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,760 If I'm angry, it has a beginning, middle and an end. If I'm sad, 258 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:44,520 if I'm happy and as alcoholics or addicts, when I get angry, 259 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,800 something in my brain says, okay, we need relief. Let's go get some relief. 260 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,160 I mean they're going to beat somebody up or I'm going to go to the drug dealers 261 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,040 house or I'm going to go to the liquor store, pick one. 262 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:56,880 And when I get triggered, activated in my first year of recovery, 263 00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,080 what's generally happening is I'm in the middle of the feeling because the 264 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:04,200 middle is so foreign to me because I've always been anesthetized at the 265 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:08,600 beginning. I know what anger feels like with vodka sprinkled on top, 266 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:10,080 which would bring me down. 267 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:13,960 And then I'd really think I'm absolutely going to go to that person's house. 268 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,840 We're going to take care of this right now, or let me have a couple more. 269 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:20,600 And I won't care, but at least I'll be taking care of myself. 270 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:21,960 And the strange thing is, 271 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:26,560 is that then the brain and body never experiences the middle and the end of 272 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,960 anger because we did not let it organically express itself. 273 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:33,760 But in the first year of sobriety, I experienced the beginning, middle, 274 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,960 and end of anger, of sadness and excitement. 275 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:41,480 That information was a goldmine for me because it let 276 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:46,040 me kind of own our, our let go and let God, 277 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,120 like I can do that. 278 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:51,600 If I can breathe and address my nervous system and know that I'm going to feel 279 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:55,960 different in five minutes, I can call a sober sister. I can call my sponsor. 280 00:17:55,960 --> 00:18:00,880 I can take a walk. I can drink a glass of water. I can open my grapevine. 281 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:05,760 There's all these beautiful safety net in Alcoholics Anonymous that save us a 282 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,160 minute at a time. There's so many, 283 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:12,560 there's so many things that we can do that doesn't include going to a dealer's 284 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:16,440 house or a liquor store, even though there's, there's neural pathways. 285 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,720 I've got, I've got decades of neural pathways that go to the liquor store, 286 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,080 go to the liquor store, go to the store. 287 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:24,160 And I'm really grateful I got sober before this two buck Chuck thing was 288 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,360 happening. You guys, I don't know if I would have made, 289 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:32,240 cause I'm cheap and I drank a lot of red wine. So I'm glad, 290 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,480 I'm really glad I was sober when the two buck Chuck came out. Like my friend, 291 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,480 Greg, I have nothing without Alcoholics Anonymous. 292 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,560 I do not have my children. I don't have my work. 293 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,800 I don't have my life without Alcoholics Anonymous. I've never, 294 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:47,360 I've never taken it for granted in large part because I get so much joy here. 295 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,640 It feels so good to be in these rooms. 296 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:53,760 I love going to see my sponsor and holding her hand and talking to her. 297 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,960 It's the bell. I feel so it's, 298 00:18:55,960 --> 00:19:01,040 this is the tribe that I always longed for and I'm so grateful that we get to 299 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:04,760 hang out with each other and talk and share stories and do all that stuff. 300 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:09,040 This is such, it's so brutal before we get here. 301 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:12,600 I wouldn't wish I would not wish active alcoholism upon anyone. 302 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:18,040 It is so brutal and yet getting here is such a tsunami of grace that still takes 303 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:19,920 my breath away. 304 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:24,480 I just feel so fortunate and I feel so lucky and my active alcoholism doesn't 305 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:28,680 compare with the grace that I get to experience here and I think I'm going to 306 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:32,320 wrap up without you using your, these really cool lights. 307 00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,640 I really love these lights. Time's up. 308 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:38,040 Again, 309 00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:43,040 I want to thank you guys for being so welcoming and so kind and and I'm happy to 310 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,480 be here. Thank you so much for asking me to share.