1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,620 Hi, I'm Diane. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you for asking me, Nate. He's, uh, you know, 2 00:00:04,620 --> 00:00:09,620 he's a good guy. He said, he said yes when I asked him to be a board member, 3 00:00:09,620 --> 00:00:15,460 uh, for the IGR, you know, for central office. And, uh, yeah. So, 4 00:00:15,460 --> 00:00:20,700 uh, so I said yes for this. Um, so thanks, Tom. 5 00:00:20,700 --> 00:00:24,020 Um, I really enjoyed hearing you. Um, uh, 6 00:00:24,020 --> 00:00:27,140 my Friday date is June 3rd, 1980. Um, 7 00:00:27,180 --> 00:00:31,420 and it's been an amazing journey and what it was like, it's a blank storm. 8 00:00:31,420 --> 00:00:35,140 I say that because, um, not just cause I was a blackout drinker, 9 00:00:35,140 --> 00:00:36,620 but because I read the little, 10 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:39,980 the little bit that Nate wrote about how I'm supposed to not swear. 11 00:00:39,980 --> 00:00:44,580 So I figured I was going to give myself one, one swear word and it's not, 12 00:00:44,580 --> 00:00:48,940 I'm not going to waste it. So I'll do my best. Okay. Cause you know, 13 00:00:48,940 --> 00:00:53,940 we claim progress, spiritual progress. So, um, 14 00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:57,780 yeah, I, I, uh, I discovered when I started drinking that I got thirsty. 15 00:00:57,780 --> 00:01:02,460 Same thing with, uh, with drugs. But, um, so I started young, 16 00:01:02,460 --> 00:01:07,460 I mean not like three or anything, but a young teenager. And, um, 17 00:01:07,460 --> 00:01:13,100 and it wasn't solution. It was perfect, perfect timing. Cause, um, 18 00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:16,300 I'd gone from being a scared kid to being angry, 19 00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:19,020 which is the normal human response. If you're scared long enough, 20 00:01:19,020 --> 00:01:23,500 you're going to get angry and, um, people will pay. Um, so I thought, 21 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:25,980 that's the way I thought it was going to work. Anyway. Um, 22 00:01:25,980 --> 00:01:28,780 I love that it gave me the power to push back. 23 00:01:28,780 --> 00:01:31,620 I love that it gave me a power, you know, because anger is a, 24 00:01:31,620 --> 00:01:36,300 it's an amazing shield. It just makes people back up. So, 25 00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:39,060 um, you know, I stopped, uh, I'll tell you what, 26 00:01:39,060 --> 00:01:43,780 I stopped being a girl scout and real quick and I stopped being in the church 27 00:01:43,780 --> 00:01:45,820 choir and I stopped going to, no, 28 00:01:45,820 --> 00:01:48,380 I didn't stop going to youth group because youth group is first place. 29 00:01:48,380 --> 00:01:51,500 I thought people smoking pot and doing other crazy stuff. 30 00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:55,380 I was a biscuit alien. So, um, yeah, so, 31 00:01:55,380 --> 00:02:00,260 so I look for opportunities and there weren't very many when I was that young, 32 00:02:00,260 --> 00:02:04,140 but, um, soon as I could get into a car with a boy, you know, 33 00:02:04,140 --> 00:02:08,420 the whole world opened up and, um, and I found out that I have a talent, 34 00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:13,460 I have a big capacity for alcohol and that was, so I feel, I just, you know, 35 00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:18,540 I'm not so good at math. I thought, but man, this is, this is good. So, 36 00:02:18,580 --> 00:02:23,460 um, so I could drink as much as the guy and, um, okay, 37 00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:26,700 so that's great. And then, um, then I, uh, 38 00:02:26,700 --> 00:02:29,700 I discovered that I'm a blackout drinker. I didn't know about blackout. 39 00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:31,420 I just knew that sometimes, you know, 40 00:02:31,420 --> 00:02:35,340 every month my pal Maureen would tell me what I did after like midnight and I 41 00:02:35,340 --> 00:02:40,180 thought I just went to bed, but no, apparently not. And, and actually I didn't, 42 00:02:40,180 --> 00:02:43,260 I didn't mind blackouts because there was a lot of stuff I didn't want to know 43 00:02:43,260 --> 00:02:46,260 about. You know, I was, I was a traveler. Um, 44 00:02:46,420 --> 00:02:51,180 so I started drinking in like 1967 inch and, um, 45 00:02:51,180 --> 00:02:56,180 there was a, there was alcohol and there was a lot of and around. So I, 46 00:02:56,180 --> 00:02:58,220 I did, I did all that. And, um, 47 00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,020 so the only thing that bothered me at that point, 48 00:03:01,020 --> 00:03:04,100 so I started blacking out when I was 16 was that, um, 49 00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:07,300 I realized that I was still drinking and you know, 50 00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:11,780 doing outside issues and I didn't, so I thought maybe that's not good. 51 00:03:11,780 --> 00:03:14,420 Maybe that's not good. My best friend, Danny and I, 52 00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:19,500 he was fresh out of San Quentin and so we just get so ripped and we walked down 53 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:24,260 that alley behind my little apartment, leaning on each other for support. 54 00:03:24,260 --> 00:03:26,820 It was a beautiful. So like I said, 55 00:03:26,820 --> 00:03:30,260 I was a hitchhiker and I traveled across the country. I, I, uh, 56 00:03:30,260 --> 00:03:34,460 kind of broke up with my family. The family went and, and uh, let's see, 57 00:03:34,460 --> 00:03:38,460 scorecard, one arrest, no convictions, one overdose, um, 58 00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:40,020 because I'm the lab rat. 59 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:44,460 So I got in a car and guy gave me a ball and they gave me reds and they gave me 60 00:03:44,460 --> 00:03:47,300 a, you know, and I just, I don't say, I don't, I just keep on, 61 00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:52,300 I just keep on. And um, so, and, and, and one time, well, 62 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:54,220 okay, a couple of times in an institution, 63 00:03:54,220 --> 00:03:57,660 but it was just a long weekend in juvenile hall. My mother had to be arrested for, 64 00:03:57,660 --> 00:04:01,820 you know, selling pot to my sister, which I thought was punk. But you know, 65 00:04:01,820 --> 00:04:06,060 I had a, I had a, let's, let's just put it this way. When I was a little kid, 66 00:04:06,060 --> 00:04:10,660 I had a, um, I had a, an important relationship with God and, and I, 67 00:04:10,660 --> 00:04:14,740 and I knew that I was safe and that, and that God was a bridge between me and, 68 00:04:14,740 --> 00:04:17,660 and other people. I knew that. And then I started drinking. 69 00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:21,780 I stopped having a role. I made a decision to no longer have, um, 70 00:04:21,780 --> 00:04:26,500 a relationship with God. Um, adventures ensued, lots of adventures. Um, 71 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:31,580 I, uh, couldn't, I couldn't stay in one place. I couldn't earn a living. Uh, 72 00:04:31,580 --> 00:04:33,420 I couldn't keep a friend, you know, 73 00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:37,900 cause I was always borrowing people's boyfriends and husbands and well they 74 00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:41,900 weren't, you know, like there I was because they were just laying around anyway. 75 00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:46,060 Well, you know, okay. So, uh, yeah. 76 00:04:46,060 --> 00:04:49,620 And I was also the kind of, I think because I couldn't keep a job, 77 00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:53,900 I also couldn't pay rent and I didn't have a car because that's what my thumb 78 00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:55,540 was for. And uh, 79 00:04:55,540 --> 00:04:59,260 so that meant that sometimes people would let me sleep in their cars and 80 00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:01,100 sometimes on their floor, 81 00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:05,020 but sometimes they wouldn't let me inside their house and they were right not to, 82 00:05:05,020 --> 00:05:07,060 because I go to the medicine cabinet, you know, 83 00:05:07,060 --> 00:05:10,580 they let me come in and take shower. And so I was, you know, 84 00:05:10,580 --> 00:05:15,180 a couple of kinds of ways scandalous. And uh, yeah. So I grew up high. 85 00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:18,340 I grew up, that was, that was just about at my level of skill. 86 00:05:18,340 --> 00:05:21,700 I was a high school graduate, but I, so I could grow up high. 87 00:05:21,700 --> 00:05:24,700 I loved it because I could carry firearms, 88 00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:29,460 always liked to play with dynamite guns and stuff like that. Um, so, 89 00:05:29,460 --> 00:05:33,500 so I grew up hot for three years. That was my, that was a pretty solid career. 90 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:38,020 I didn't make any money, but you know, I never made any money doing anything illegal. 91 00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:42,300 It's just, and then I did the other thing I did, um, you know, uh, uh, 92 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:46,420 marketing and uh, and uh, logistics that, so, um, 93 00:05:46,420 --> 00:05:50,740 it was a highly popular powder and, um, but, but, um, 94 00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:54,460 so I'm living in my head. I don't have any relationship with God. 95 00:05:54,460 --> 00:05:58,660 I don't have reliable relationships with anybody. I'm hanging around dope dealers. 96 00:05:58,660 --> 00:06:01,980 I'm living with a guy for years that I don't like and don't trust. 97 00:06:01,980 --> 00:06:04,580 I knew from outset that I didn't like him, didn't trust him. I didn't, 98 00:06:04,580 --> 00:06:08,060 I lived with him cause I didn't want to get involved emotionally. So, you know, 99 00:06:08,060 --> 00:06:12,500 I'm like, I'm like backwards about the way I think, but all, 100 00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:17,340 but I'm living in my own head. I'm my own God. That's why I broke up with God. 101 00:06:17,340 --> 00:06:20,820 So, so it's an echo chamber. It's not good. 102 00:06:20,820 --> 00:06:23,260 I just keep on getting crazier and crazier. 103 00:06:23,260 --> 00:06:27,340 I can't let go of a resentment, real or imagined. 104 00:06:27,380 --> 00:06:31,740 I can never catch up. Um, and, and I'm, and I, and I never let, 105 00:06:31,740 --> 00:06:35,500 because I never let anything go. I'm dragging all these bones with me. 106 00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:36,580 And so I'm having a, 107 00:06:36,580 --> 00:06:41,540 I'm having a conversation with you that has nothing to do with you or now it's 108 00:06:41,540 --> 00:06:45,340 with somebody that's, you know, 30 years ago, ago and dead or something. It's, 109 00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:49,060 it's just crazy. So I'm always saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the 110 00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:52,580 wrong time. And I'm talking about some wrong people. Um, 111 00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:56,900 and by my early twenties I could no longer reliably get drunk and that was a 112 00:06:56,900 --> 00:07:01,300 problem. All the other stuff that had happened, getting shot at, gun to my head, 113 00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:04,620 that kind of stuff. That didn't bother me. That was just interesting. 114 00:07:04,620 --> 00:07:08,780 But I couldn't reliably get drunk. And, um, and I just kept getting crazier. 115 00:07:08,780 --> 00:07:12,340 Tom talked about it. I was hearing conversations and there was nobody there. 116 00:07:12,340 --> 00:07:15,660 Um, my hands shook. Um, I, um, I mean, 117 00:07:15,660 --> 00:07:19,060 I really the people that were around me were getting weirder and weirder and 118 00:07:19,060 --> 00:07:22,340 might, that might've had some, might've been a reflection to me. 119 00:07:22,380 --> 00:07:27,020 I'm just not sure, but I, I had never lived, I'm a native California, 120 00:07:27,020 --> 00:07:29,020 but I never lived in LA. But, um, 121 00:07:29,020 --> 00:07:34,140 I came here and I got a little waitress job and rented a room and made some 122 00:07:34,140 --> 00:07:38,260 friends at the job site at Santa Anita racetrack. And, um, you know, 123 00:07:38,260 --> 00:07:43,060 and I'm just attracting crazy ass people. Maybe that was the word, um, 124 00:07:43,060 --> 00:07:48,340 the swear word. Anyway. Um, so, uh, this, uh, this coworker, 125 00:07:48,340 --> 00:07:52,300 I told her I was lonely and she gave me her son's phone number and I called him 126 00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:55,300 up and we dated for about a minute and then we got married. 127 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:59,940 So that solved my, uh, that's all my problem with housing. Okay. 128 00:07:59,940 --> 00:08:04,540 I was good then. And, but, okay. So, so before I met this gentleman, Stuart, 129 00:08:04,540 --> 00:08:08,900 um, I would have my breakfast in my car. I will go to the car, 130 00:08:08,900 --> 00:08:12,780 I will go to the store, I go in and, um, you know, those, 131 00:08:12,780 --> 00:08:17,060 those cans of like cocktails that have some fruit juice. That was my breakfast. 132 00:08:17,060 --> 00:08:20,340 So, you know, and then, um, yeah, 133 00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:23,900 so I married this poor fellow and well, we got along real well. 134 00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:27,180 He was a terrible drug, terrible drug. So I moved in right away. 135 00:08:27,180 --> 00:08:30,100 We got married the right way. And, uh, but, um, 136 00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:35,260 so I would buy the bottles and I wasn't using any of the outside issues anymore. 137 00:08:35,260 --> 00:08:38,220 We were just drinking, but like I said, I couldn't get drunk reliably. 138 00:08:38,220 --> 00:08:39,140 So I just got mean. 139 00:08:39,140 --> 00:08:44,100 So I buy the bottles and I'd hide my bottles and we drink our bottles and then I 140 00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:47,780 think my bottle like that. And, um, his, uh, 141 00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:52,700 his boss called us in to the conference room and his boss, um, 142 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:55,620 was like a father figure to him, said to Stuart, 143 00:08:55,620 --> 00:08:59,380 you're going to rehab and so are you. So Stuart said, I mean, 144 00:08:59,380 --> 00:09:03,700 he was dying of pancreatitis. I, I had, um, uh, an organ, uh, 145 00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:07,420 system failure myself, but I, I thought, you know, he's worse. I'm always, 146 00:09:07,420 --> 00:09:09,900 I always want to be with a guy that's worse than me. Okay. 147 00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,420 And you know what I'm talking about, you know, 148 00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:13,020 just like have somebody looked down on. 149 00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:16,220 I used to hang out with heroin addicts when I was young. And you know, 150 00:09:16,220 --> 00:09:21,140 that's easy to look down on them because they're passed out and I'm on acid and 151 00:09:21,140 --> 00:09:25,700 drunk on rum. But, um, yeah, so, so Stuart went to rehab and, um, 152 00:09:25,700 --> 00:09:28,260 and I followed him a couple of days later and hit sobriety. 153 00:09:28,260 --> 00:09:32,620 It's two days more than me because I drank even though I couldn't get drunk, 154 00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:36,500 even though like Tom also said, if I'd known those were my last drinks, 155 00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:38,500 I wouldn't, I wouldn't come up with something better, 156 00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:41,740 but so far they have been for over 44 years, 157 00:09:41,740 --> 00:09:45,220 but they had the same results. I didn't get anything. 158 00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:48,980 I didn't get anything that was dry inside. I was dry inside. 159 00:09:48,980 --> 00:09:52,540 So I drove to that place and I didn't want to go inside because I didn't want to 160 00:09:52,540 --> 00:09:56,380 give up drinking, even though it didn't work for me. And, um, by God's grace, 161 00:09:56,380 --> 00:10:00,420 I heard how important alcohol was to me because I had conceded that it was an 162 00:10:00,420 --> 00:10:02,820 addict, but I didn't want to, I didn't want to give up. I mean, 163 00:10:02,820 --> 00:10:06,100 it was all I knew. It was the, it was, you know, for all those years, 164 00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:09,580 that was the one reliable thing, even when it didn't work. So by God's grace, 165 00:10:09,580 --> 00:10:13,420 I heard that and I went in and I, you know, turned myself in and I got, 166 00:10:13,460 --> 00:10:17,380 and again, it was, it was eight years earlier. So, 167 00:10:17,380 --> 00:10:20,660 so it was a cheaper, a cheaper deal than it was for Tom. 168 00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:25,300 It was seven grand for the two of us. What a deal. And what we both got, 169 00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:29,780 what I got was a book, Alcoholics Anonymous, the book, the 12 traditions, 170 00:10:29,780 --> 00:10:34,420 12 steps in 12 traditions. And, um, uh, it was a care unit. So they, 171 00:10:34,420 --> 00:10:39,140 they, uh, threw in a day at a time. And, um, that was my pack. 172 00:10:39,140 --> 00:10:43,060 And I got a bed and I got a roommate and I was directed to the group that I was 173 00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:46,860 going to sit in with. And so circle of chairs. And these people are talking. 174 00:10:46,860 --> 00:10:50,500 And, um, and I remember those people. I remember those people who stay, 175 00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:54,780 I remember, you know, how the one, the one, he, uh, it was not his first time. 176 00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:59,220 And, um, he was young, not as young as me, but he was young. And, um, he, uh, 177 00:10:59,220 --> 00:11:02,980 was through a very wealthy family and all he wanted to do was to die sober. 178 00:11:02,980 --> 00:11:06,940 And I heard, I heard dose and I heard Steven who had been, um, 179 00:11:06,940 --> 00:11:10,540 work in Santa Monica Boulevard because he was a teenager and he was about my 180 00:11:10,540 --> 00:11:14,700 age. And he, um, he wasn't gay, but he did what he needed to do to get, 181 00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:18,380 what he needed. And I understood that down to the ground. I understood that. 182 00:11:18,380 --> 00:11:23,620 My roommate Patsy and, and, uh, identified with those people in that circle. 183 00:11:23,620 --> 00:11:25,100 I thought, I thought I belong here. 184 00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:28,900 There was a movie years ago about, you know, 185 00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:33,940 first encounter with a alien life warmth. I thought, you know, I belong, 186 00:11:33,940 --> 00:11:37,980 I belong to another planet. I know that that sounds arrogant and foolish, 187 00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:40,940 but that's how I felt. I belonged there in that group. 188 00:11:40,940 --> 00:11:45,060 Then I belonged at that care unit and I knew that that was a safe place. 189 00:11:45,060 --> 00:11:49,940 And I believed I just, I didn't have any game left period. And, 190 00:11:49,940 --> 00:11:54,340 um, so, you know, when a woman came in on an HNI panel, 191 00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:56,500 hospitals and institutions panel, 192 00:11:56,500 --> 00:12:01,420 and she said that she was sober for 13 years. And she said that she'd been told, 193 00:12:01,420 --> 00:12:04,300 that you can ask God to remove the obsession to drink. 194 00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:06,980 I believed her and he went back and I kneeled by my bed. 195 00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:11,100 Then I had a conversation with God. I asked just those words. 196 00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:14,900 I asked God to remove the obsession to drink. And I felt God's, 197 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:19,020 what I felt was infinite love and peace. That's what I felt. 198 00:12:19,020 --> 00:12:22,380 The biggest thing I felt in my life to this day. 199 00:12:22,380 --> 00:12:27,460 And I was very intense words are not adequate. And I thought after it passed, 200 00:12:27,460 --> 00:12:31,580 I thought maybe it's going to be okay. And I hopped up and looked for Patsy. 201 00:12:31,580 --> 00:12:34,580 And I looked for Stuart. I looked for something to tell about this. 202 00:12:34,660 --> 00:12:37,100 And here's the deal. I haven't read the big book. 203 00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:41,060 I didn't know anything about Bill Wilson's white light experience, 204 00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:44,860 but I had the same kind of experience. Everybody does it. 205 00:12:44,860 --> 00:12:46,460 I guess I just need it. 206 00:12:46,460 --> 00:12:50,820 What I feel is that each of us have a heart, 207 00:12:50,820 --> 00:12:54,420 a different language that we communicate with our higher power. 208 00:12:54,420 --> 00:12:57,020 And that's just the way it should be. How does, 209 00:12:57,020 --> 00:13:00,340 how does this higher power keep us all straight? I don't know, 210 00:13:00,340 --> 00:13:03,580 but I am so grateful because that's what I needed. 211 00:13:03,620 --> 00:13:07,300 And it took me a couple of years to figure out that the reason that I was given 212 00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:09,940 that gift is that that's what I'm supposed to bring. 213 00:13:09,940 --> 00:13:14,500 I'm supposed to bring love and peace. That's my job. I just needed to know. 214 00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:17,980 I know what my job is now. I don't have to be afraid. 215 00:13:17,980 --> 00:13:21,300 I didn't want to leave that place. Do I walk around the neighborhood? 216 00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:25,300 Neither one of us wanted to leave because that was, that was the same place. 217 00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:30,300 They had a drill. They said, you know, it was like a bootcamp. So, 218 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:34,820 you know, you get a sponsor and you do your fourth step before you leave. 219 00:13:34,820 --> 00:13:37,900 And you do a fifth step, you know, right after that's what I remember. 220 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:41,660 And, um, I got a, I knew one woman that was not there. 221 00:13:41,660 --> 00:13:45,780 It was an AA and she was that kind of crazy. And, uh, so I asked Kathy, 222 00:13:45,780 --> 00:13:49,580 she sponsored me. She said, yes, I did a fourth step. I, 223 00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:51,820 I started with the big one. Everybody's got a big one. 224 00:13:51,820 --> 00:13:55,940 I started with the big one. That's the first thing I know about. And, and then, 225 00:13:55,940 --> 00:13:59,660 you know, just, and the other resentments, I, I hit them all. I had resentments. 226 00:13:59,660 --> 00:14:04,220 I have fears I had, you know, on people. That was a big one. And I got, 227 00:14:04,220 --> 00:14:08,780 I call institutions and, and, and a principal too, that, that, okay, 228 00:14:08,780 --> 00:14:10,300 it's fine that you've got to work for a living, 229 00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:14,540 but I shouldn't have to work for a living. Okay. Um, so, 230 00:14:14,540 --> 00:14:19,380 and then, you know, a little bit of that, please. Um, and, um, we just, 231 00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:24,060 we met the day that I got out of the rehab at a meeting. 232 00:14:24,060 --> 00:14:27,900 And so now I have another, and they put us on the van and asked us, you know, 233 00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:31,260 where, if we wanted to go, they said, you're going to be in the van. So, you know, 234 00:14:31,260 --> 00:14:34,220 so I, I met members of Alcoholics Anonymous in the first, 235 00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:36,860 the first meeting I went to that was, um, you know, 236 00:14:36,860 --> 00:14:39,660 off property was at Hoka hospital in, uh, 237 00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:44,060 Newport beach orange County and this, so I walk in this woman, 238 00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:47,380 setting up the cookies in the, in the, you know, business, whatever coffee. 239 00:14:47,380 --> 00:14:51,580 And she turns around and she puts her hand out and she introduces herself to me. 240 00:14:51,580 --> 00:14:56,300 And I was so touched because human being need to be seen. 241 00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:59,580 She saw me, she introduced yourself to me. 242 00:14:59,580 --> 00:15:02,620 The things that I learned when I was busy unlearning, 243 00:15:02,620 --> 00:15:07,460 the things that I knew were so that were so it's ongoing. 244 00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:12,060 The journey is ongoing. I keep learning. I keep changing. 245 00:15:12,060 --> 00:15:16,180 I am an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I go to a lot of meetings. 246 00:15:16,180 --> 00:15:18,300 I have a sponsor who's on hospice. 247 00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:22,100 This is the fourth sponsor that I've had that will die 44 years. 248 00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:23,820 So after this one, I'll get another one. 249 00:15:23,860 --> 00:15:27,180 I sponsor a group of women and I so lucky to, 250 00:15:27,180 --> 00:15:32,100 I am active in other parts of AA too. And I, and I go to hospitals, 251 00:15:32,100 --> 00:15:35,460 I hospitals and institutions from the very beginning. Um, 252 00:15:35,460 --> 00:15:39,900 I've been going to to hatchery prison since about 1998. It's immense prison. 253 00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:42,420 I was there last Wednesday. Nope, that's a lie. 254 00:15:42,420 --> 00:15:46,820 I was there last week on Wednesday. Not this last, never. Anyway, 255 00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,780 I was, yeah, last week. Um, great meetings. 256 00:15:49,780 --> 00:15:53,500 If you want to get clear for tattoo prison, I'm your girl. Let me know. Um, 257 00:15:53,660 --> 00:15:58,060 my husband is also active in Alcoholics Anonymous. How much time do I got? Okay. 258 00:15:58,060 --> 00:16:00,700 So, um, when I was a new, 259 00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:05,740 I had the gift of having a husband on the way to know that first year we were 260 00:16:05,740 --> 00:16:11,420 throwing a crystal at each other, not, you know, the drug that people give you. 261 00:16:11,420 --> 00:16:16,500 When you get married, it didn't last long. Um, but, um, so I was seeing him, 262 00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:21,300 I was seeing a man, you know, when you prompt, you know, look this, 263 00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:25,820 when you don't look the same, you look like maybe your sisters or brothers, 264 00:16:25,820 --> 00:16:30,260 you know, look the same. So I was seeing, I was seeing him change. 265 00:16:30,260 --> 00:16:33,900 And so I knew what was happening with me. It wasn't a mirror. 266 00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:38,100 It was better than that. It was, you know, it was okay. 267 00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:42,100 Excellent. 10th step. Yes. 268 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:46,780 But there is so much that's packed away in here and I don't even 269 00:16:46,780 --> 00:16:49,660 know what it is because, you know, 270 00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:52,780 I listen when I come to meetings, I listen, 271 00:16:52,780 --> 00:16:56,620 I do everything I can to stay in the meeting. I look at people's mouths. 272 00:16:56,620 --> 00:16:57,660 If I have any, you know, 273 00:16:57,660 --> 00:17:01,460 problem listening because I need to hear stuff because you know, 274 00:17:01,460 --> 00:17:04,980 when I was relatively new, I thought, well, maybe I just had a light case. 275 00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:08,180 I was around the clock drinker, but you know, I can lie to myself. 276 00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:12,860 I have proven that I've proven that. But then I hear somebody say that, you know, 277 00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:16,860 that he said he'd come to and he drank and he put his hand over his mouth and I 278 00:17:16,860 --> 00:17:21,020 thought I did that. I did that. You know, if it's, if I had a little money, 279 00:17:21,020 --> 00:17:25,820 it's between food and alcohol. Yeah, it's alcohol. And you know, 280 00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:30,540 so I have to keep listening because it's not just about, as it says in the book, 281 00:17:30,540 --> 00:17:33,420 it's not just about the alcohol. It's this whole, 282 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:37,740 this whole living on delusions and very little else. You know, this whole, 283 00:17:37,740 --> 00:17:41,740 this whole painting, the picture, I mean, I don't, I was maybe, 284 00:17:41,740 --> 00:17:45,180 maybe nine or 10 years sober when I thought, oh yeah, 285 00:17:45,420 --> 00:17:49,460 those clothes in the closet, those are my clothes. And I, you know, 286 00:17:49,460 --> 00:17:53,580 I kind of get over the idea that I'm waiting for my life to start again. 287 00:17:53,580 --> 00:17:57,740 I had to get over the idea in early sobriety that I could raise the debt. 288 00:17:57,740 --> 00:18:00,020 I'm talking some crazy stuff. I mean, 289 00:18:00,020 --> 00:18:05,060 I realized at a certain point that I have obviously a very strong imagination 290 00:18:05,060 --> 00:18:09,900 because back then I was drinking every day, et cetera. But if I knew I was gonna, 291 00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:14,140 it was like I had a job and it was Thursday, I'd get excited. 292 00:18:14,140 --> 00:18:16,780 Stop feeling better. Cause I knew I was going to get this stuff. 293 00:18:16,780 --> 00:18:20,100 I really wanted to get the next day. So I realized that, you know, 294 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:24,780 I can turn that imagination on my husband. I can see him, you know, 295 00:18:24,780 --> 00:18:28,300 with love more. I can, I can work on it. I can change. 296 00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:32,660 I can literally change my mind. I can point my mind, my heart, my, 297 00:18:32,660 --> 00:18:36,420 my ambition in a direction. It doesn't have to be, I don't have to like, you know, 298 00:18:36,420 --> 00:18:39,020 do an orchard or anything. I don't, but, but I can, 299 00:18:39,220 --> 00:18:44,220 I can point my heart in the direction of love that alone means that way. 300 00:18:44,220 --> 00:18:49,340 So, um, we had kids when we were in that rehab, one of those counselors, uh, 301 00:18:49,340 --> 00:18:54,300 we were in a room, maybe a couple less people than are in the room right now. Um, 302 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:57,700 and a counselor said, of all the people in this room, 303 00:18:57,700 --> 00:19:01,060 two of you will stay sober for life. And I had a thought, 304 00:19:01,060 --> 00:19:04,740 I hope Stuart's the other one. I never, I didn't, that wasn't for me. 305 00:19:04,740 --> 00:19:07,660 I never thought that way. I always, you know, 306 00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:10,860 so all I got to do is cooperate. All I got to do is, 307 00:19:10,860 --> 00:19:15,300 all I got to do to save my life is cooperate with God as I understand God, 308 00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:17,620 that I'll have to have the words. I don't have to have, 309 00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:19,100 I don't have to have the path laid out. 310 00:19:19,100 --> 00:19:23,900 All I got to do is pay attention much as I can on a daily basis to the great 311 00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:28,020 that God brings me. Before this meeting started, I, I told, 312 00:19:28,020 --> 00:19:31,940 I told Nate that I did something yesterday that I've never done before this. Um, 313 00:19:31,940 --> 00:19:35,980 you know, I'm 71 now and you know, I love that I keep breaking the tape. 314 00:19:36,020 --> 00:19:40,460 Let me point something out to you that might be true for you like it is for me. 315 00:19:40,460 --> 00:19:43,860 The first one I know is true. I've never been this old before. Okay. 316 00:19:43,860 --> 00:19:47,780 That means today I break the tape. I've never been sober this long before. 317 00:19:47,780 --> 00:19:51,340 How about you? How about you? Okay. Okay. Isn't that exciting? Okay. 318 00:19:51,340 --> 00:19:55,580 That means a lot every day we break the tape and it means something else too. 319 00:19:55,580 --> 00:19:56,420 It means, you know, 320 00:19:56,420 --> 00:20:01,260 when I was a kid and since I had a prolonged childhood, you know, 321 00:20:01,260 --> 00:20:06,260 until I was 27 I thought that other people knew how to do things. 322 00:20:06,260 --> 00:20:10,340 They knew the rules, they knew how to dress, they knew how to talk, 323 00:20:10,340 --> 00:20:13,460 they knew how to not put their thumb in their own eye. You know, 324 00:20:13,460 --> 00:20:17,180 they knew how to not pick the fight with the wrong person. Um, 325 00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:18,700 turns out that's not the case. 326 00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:23,100 It turns out that I know how to do something when I've done it. That's just, 327 00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:27,500 that's just human. So I don't have to be scared anymore because God got me for me. 328 00:20:27,540 --> 00:20:32,260 So, um, so I have a couple of jobs and one is, oh, 329 00:20:32,260 --> 00:20:35,460 by the way, those books that I got when I got sober, 330 00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:39,300 I had to replace a day at a time cause it fell apart cause it's been every place 331 00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:41,660 with me. I read it in the morning like I did then. 332 00:20:41,660 --> 00:20:45,380 I don't read it with a group of people usually anymore, but, but I read it. 333 00:20:45,380 --> 00:20:49,220 And I read another book to another meditation book. I get up in the morning, 334 00:20:49,220 --> 00:20:53,860 I roll out, I pray, you know, I got a usual drill. I, um, 335 00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:57,900 I do prayer and meditation in the morning. Um, I go through my day, 336 00:20:57,900 --> 00:21:00,700 I pray for people at the end of the day. 337 00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:04,980 I do some more reading and um, 10 step, not every night, 338 00:21:04,980 --> 00:21:10,460 sometimes every night recently, not every night, you know, written 10 step. 339 00:21:10,460 --> 00:21:14,820 There's an app for that. And, uh, and I know, pray on me knees and um, 340 00:21:14,820 --> 00:21:18,740 conk out. Um, so, so one of my jobs is, um, 341 00:21:18,740 --> 00:21:22,940 working, um, at a PHP IOP place, uh, 342 00:21:22,980 --> 00:21:27,980 rehab and I never just, I started doing this like couple, like not just, 343 00:21:27,980 --> 00:21:32,460 just about three years ago. And my boss is a felon, state and federal, 344 00:21:32,460 --> 00:21:34,900 and I love her. And, um, you know, 345 00:21:34,900 --> 00:21:38,300 and I get to do the things that I've been doing all these years. 346 00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:42,500 I get to drive people to meetings. I get to talk with them about step work. 347 00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:45,100 I get to talk to them about longterm sobriety. 348 00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:49,620 I know something about longterm sobriety and um, I know something about grace. 349 00:21:49,620 --> 00:21:52,700 I know that I stand in great. I know that if we're sober right now, 350 00:21:52,700 --> 00:21:57,540 I stand in great. I know that it's not, um, I'm so wonderful. It's not that, 351 00:21:57,540 --> 00:21:58,460 it's not that. 352 00:21:58,460 --> 00:22:02,380 I know something else from reading the big book and the 12 and 12 and from 353 00:22:02,380 --> 00:22:07,060 personal experience from eyewitness, because I believe my lion eyes now, 354 00:22:07,060 --> 00:22:09,820 I believe that this is a progressive disease. I've seen that. 355 00:22:09,820 --> 00:22:14,140 I actually had the progression of the disease in my drinking, 356 00:22:14,140 --> 00:22:17,260 but I've seen it. I've seen it with thousands of people. 357 00:22:17,260 --> 00:22:19,900 You figure 16,200 and some odd days. 358 00:22:19,900 --> 00:22:24,260 I've seen a lot of people at a lot of meetings. So I am more susceptible. 359 00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:28,540 It is more incumbent on me to have to have a lively, 360 00:22:28,540 --> 00:22:31,620 I mean like blood pumping through my, um, 361 00:22:31,620 --> 00:22:36,180 my AA experience on a daily basis. So yesterday, 362 00:22:36,180 --> 00:22:40,460 a staff member who I used to drive in the van when he was new, 363 00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:43,980 and then he became a staff member and he didn't do the stuff. 364 00:22:43,980 --> 00:22:47,540 He didn't do the deal. And yesterday he died of an overdose. And, um, 365 00:22:47,620 --> 00:22:52,580 my boss and another person and I went and cleaned up his room. 366 00:22:52,580 --> 00:22:57,500 And so I got to mop up bodily fluids from a person who didn't have to, 367 00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,860 didn't have to die. That could be me when I was young. 368 00:23:00,860 --> 00:23:03,620 I don't know whether I was stupid or just death wish or whatever, 369 00:23:03,620 --> 00:23:07,060 but I did a lot of dangerous things and I should have died a bunch of times and 370 00:23:07,060 --> 00:23:11,740 I didn't, but I don't want to go back to hell. I don't want to go back to hell. 371 00:23:11,740 --> 00:23:15,020 This life is so rich and it keeps getting more interesting. 372 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:19,660 We have two adult children. They were born when we were like, 373 00:23:19,660 --> 00:23:23,660 five years and eight years. So, so they're middle aged now. 374 00:23:23,660 --> 00:23:28,660 One of them is married to a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and is a sober 375 00:23:28,660 --> 00:23:32,540 member of Alcoholics Anonymous and looks like we're going to be grandparents, 376 00:23:32,540 --> 00:23:37,100 which I'm really happy about. Okay. The other one, before I left the house, 377 00:23:37,100 --> 00:23:40,540 I just went into his room. I do every couple of days and I threw away, 378 00:23:40,580 --> 00:23:45,180 I grabbed a couple of empty gallon bottles of wine and a fifth of whatever, 379 00:23:45,180 --> 00:23:45,700 whatever. 380 00:23:45,700 --> 00:23:49,420 So I put it in the blue bin because usually what I do is take the bottles and 381 00:23:49,420 --> 00:23:50,100 recycle them, 382 00:23:50,100 --> 00:23:53,220 take them to the hole in the sky so the hole in the sky can get some money for 383 00:23:53,220 --> 00:23:54,660 the booze bottles. 384 00:23:54,660 --> 00:23:59,940 I belong to the largest organized religion on the planet and I love that. 385 00:23:59,940 --> 00:24:04,340 I was at church earlier after I did my shift today, I went to church and then I 386 00:24:04,340 --> 00:24:08,420 came here. I am a bit of a business woman most of my life. 387 00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:11,980 I got flax. I got a flag from the Capitol, US Capitol. 388 00:24:11,980 --> 00:24:13,740 I got all kinds of stuff. That's nice. 389 00:24:13,740 --> 00:24:17,420 That means not as much as being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 390 00:24:17,420 --> 00:24:19,900 I'm so proud to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 391 00:24:19,900 --> 00:24:24,500 We get every day pump some love and some healing into this, 392 00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:28,340 into this world. We don't care where you came from, what you smell like, 393 00:24:28,340 --> 00:24:30,900 what you did. This is a place that doesn't judge me. 394 00:24:30,900 --> 00:24:34,460 I'm the worst thing I've ever done. Thank you. Thank you so much.