1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,840 Hi, I'm Adam, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,840 --> 00:00:07,800 I want to thank Nate for asking me to share. 3 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,480 I appreciate it, and I want to thank Bill 4 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:11,880 for his excellent lead. 5 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:16,220 So my home group is Quality of Life. 6 00:00:16,220 --> 00:00:20,460 My sobriety date is June 18th, 2022, 7 00:00:20,460 --> 00:00:25,460 and it wasn't my first attempt at sobriety. 8 00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:28,480 When I was younger, you know, I thought, 9 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:32,160 I had a pretty normal childhood and stuff, 10 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:35,000 but at the time, like AA has allowed me 11 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,500 to have a perspective and to look back 12 00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:38,800 and to understand that, 13 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,600 because if you would have asked me when I was a kid, 14 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,520 if I had a normal childhood, I would have told you no. 15 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,280 You know, I would have always said, 16 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:50,160 no matter what I had, it could be better. 17 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:53,080 If only, you know, my parents were together, 18 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:56,220 or if we had more money or this or that, I would be happier. 19 00:00:56,220 --> 00:00:59,920 I always felt like anything that I got wasn't enough, 20 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:03,080 and that it seemed like everybody else had it easier 21 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:06,280 than I did, and that nobody could understand me. 22 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:08,440 And, but when I look back, I mean, 23 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,320 I had a fairly normal childhood, 24 00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:16,320 and as I would grow up, you know, I was happy, 25 00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:18,560 but again, I would always think I could be happier, 26 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:23,560 and I would, like, I had hobbies, and I was active, 27 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:26,920 and I had friends and stuff like that, 28 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,180 but for some reason, when I would look at other people, 29 00:01:30,180 --> 00:01:33,640 I felt like they had life kind of figured out 30 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:34,600 more than I did. 31 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,920 Like, it just seemed to come to them easy, 32 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:40,740 and I was always, I needed to be a class clown, 33 00:01:40,740 --> 00:01:44,640 or I needed to have, you know, I just, I don't know, 34 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:47,720 I just felt like I wasn't good enough no matter what, right? 35 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:51,800 And so I remember the first time that I drank, 36 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,320 it was at, like, a house party, 37 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:57,780 and I told the kids there that I was with, my friends, 38 00:01:57,780 --> 00:02:01,600 I was like, I want to feel like this every day, 39 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,820 all day for the rest of my life. 40 00:02:03,820 --> 00:02:07,000 And some of them were like, you're crazy. 41 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:08,280 Like, what are you talking about? 42 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:09,120 That's insane. 43 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,800 And I thought, you know, well, you guys just don't get it. 44 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:16,200 And so, so then I started to surround myself with people 45 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,760 that thought that similar thought that I thought that like, 46 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,400 let's do this all the time, like any way we can get it. 47 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:26,480 And so immediately, the crowd that I started 48 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,280 to hang around with got, you know, lower morals, 49 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:31,620 we were always trying to, you know, 50 00:02:31,620 --> 00:02:33,960 hustle or steal or this or that. 51 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,960 And then another thing that we all had in common was, 52 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,480 well, if drinking feels this good, I want to try everything. 53 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,780 I want to try everything at least once. 54 00:02:42,780 --> 00:02:44,920 And, you know, when I was in high school, 55 00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:47,620 it was the height of the opioid epidemic. 56 00:02:47,620 --> 00:02:50,320 And so I went down a really, you know, 57 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:53,120 long and hard path at that. 58 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,220 But I just remember telling people like, 59 00:02:55,220 --> 00:03:00,080 if I can stay drunk or loaded forever until I die, 60 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,380 I would consider my life a success. 61 00:03:02,380 --> 00:03:06,880 I don't care if I die when I'm 25 or 24 or 30, 62 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,600 whenever it is, if I can do whatever I want 63 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,080 and stay loaded the whole time, 64 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,120 then that's all I want in life. 65 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:15,980 And my friends that I had grew up with 66 00:03:15,980 --> 00:03:19,800 immediately cut me off and were like, you are insane. 67 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,760 Like, I don't want to be around you. 68 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:22,600 You're a thief. 69 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,840 I don't, I mean, you don't want to do anything. 70 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:27,400 So, and I was like, well, you're losers then. 71 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,320 I don't want to hang around you either. 72 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:34,320 So I continued doing that and I would go, 73 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,760 and I think the first time my family noticed I had a problem, 74 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:41,320 I was at my brother's high school graduation 75 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:45,120 and I was just like completely under the influence 76 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:50,120 and I was nodding out and I smelled and I just wasn't present 77 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,040 at all, it wasn't the person that they knew 78 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,040 and a lot of these family members that were there, 79 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,360 I didn't see all the time. 80 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,900 So they didn't see the slow progression into this. 81 00:03:57,900 --> 00:04:00,020 They just were like, what happened, you know? 82 00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:04,620 And then I was made to go to meetings. 83 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,360 That was the first time I'd gone to meetings 84 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,760 and I walked in and I immediately judged 85 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,880 every single person in the room. 86 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:15,440 If you were older than 20, then you couldn't relate to me. 87 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:16,580 You didn't know what it was like. 88 00:04:16,580 --> 00:04:19,000 It was different when you were out there than it is now. 89 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,200 I don't have anything to gain from you. 90 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,440 And, you know, and it was smoky too. 91 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,680 It was a small room, it was real smoky 92 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,540 and I didn't smoke cigarettes at the time. 93 00:04:28,540 --> 00:04:32,000 And I was like, I'm never gonna go to a place 94 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,540 where I have to talk about something 95 00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:36,280 that I can't do anymore every single day. 96 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,800 Like, I'm not doing that. 97 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,120 And I was like, it doesn't even make sense. 98 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:44,220 I'm just gonna get, if I do wanna stop, 99 00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:47,700 I'm gonna get physically clean from it 100 00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:50,740 and then I'll be fine, but I don't wanna stop. 101 00:04:50,740 --> 00:04:51,640 That's the thing. 102 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:52,840 I don't have a problem. 103 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,120 I just don't want to stop yet. 104 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,600 And so I would tell people, you know, 105 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,040 like, I don't have an issue right now, you know? 106 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,000 My issue is that I get caught or I'm unlucky. 107 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:06,080 Like, if anything, I don't have a problem. 108 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:11,080 And so I made it a habit of going to rehab 109 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:15,060 and to jail for the next like 10 years. 110 00:05:15,060 --> 00:05:17,240 I would go at least, you know, 111 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:19,840 I would go to rehab at least like once a year 112 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:21,680 and jail, I was going all the time. 113 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:22,940 And it would always be short. 114 00:05:22,940 --> 00:05:24,960 It would be for a little shoplifting stuff 115 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,380 or missing a court date or, you know, 116 00:05:27,380 --> 00:05:31,280 not showing up to court for speeding tickets, little stuff. 117 00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:32,840 It wasn't anything major. 118 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:36,040 I did get a major, you know, semi-major charge 119 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,820 and at that point I was like, oh, I'll go to rehab. 120 00:05:38,820 --> 00:05:39,660 I'll go to rehab. 121 00:05:39,660 --> 00:05:42,800 You know, the only reason I'm doing this is, you know, 122 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,640 because I have an issue of an addiction or, you know, 123 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,760 alcoholism and I'll go, you know? 124 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:48,600 And they were like, okay. 125 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,480 And so I went and as soon as I got out, 126 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,320 I was like, okay, well, that's done now. 127 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,860 I'm going back to doing whatever I wanna do, you know? 128 00:05:56,860 --> 00:05:59,880 I just still didn't believe that I had a problem. 129 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:04,780 And what I didn't realize is like all of that stuff, 130 00:06:04,780 --> 00:06:08,160 it wasn't like, it wasn't, I just, 131 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,200 I didn't really look at myself. 132 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,360 All I did was compare myself to other people. 133 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:17,260 And if I hadn't gone through what you had gone through yet, 134 00:06:17,260 --> 00:06:19,680 I felt like it, then I'm doing all right. 135 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:24,680 And so I would just go to treatment to get the heat off 136 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:28,920 or, you know, it's hot in Vegas 137 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,960 and I was homeless for a while and I would go there 138 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,520 sometimes just 'cause I was tired of sleeping outside 139 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,400 or I would go there if I robbed the wrong person 140 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:38,680 and I didn't wanna be out. 141 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:42,280 And, you know, I was always getting beat up and stuff. 142 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:44,340 Like I was just a dirt bag all around 143 00:06:44,340 --> 00:06:46,960 and I wasn't allowed to be at my mom's house. 144 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,400 I wasn't, my dad stopped talking to me 145 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,320 and all my family stopped talking to me. 146 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,600 And so when I would get really run it all the way 147 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,200 to the end, I would just go to rehab 148 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,480 and have like a 30 day vacation. 149 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,580 And I never really went in there 150 00:06:59,580 --> 00:07:01,840 with the intentions of getting sober. 151 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:03,240 I would just go in there. 152 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,380 Like I said, just to have a vacation. 153 00:07:05,380 --> 00:07:09,680 And the thing is, is it wasn't all for naught though 154 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,840 because I did see that the program worked 155 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:14,520 and it worked for people. 156 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:17,000 And I always remembered that like, you know, 157 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,640 when I do decide to stop, I'll go back to meetings 158 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,760 'cause obviously something works there. 159 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,520 I'm not sure if it'll work for me, but at least, you know, 160 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:28,120 I'll go there and I'll have somewhere to go, you know. 161 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:30,600 And when I would go to the meetings 162 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:34,360 that they would bring us to, I wasn't fully sold yet 163 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,720 that I, you know, I didn't do a step one or anything, 164 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:40,460 but what I would, I would listen to some people 165 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:44,000 and I was always looking for people 166 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,540 that had what I thought I wanted 167 00:07:46,540 --> 00:07:48,040 'cause I didn't really know what I wanted. 168 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:51,880 But if I saw somebody that looked like they drove a nice car 169 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,800 or had money or had, you know, 170 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,040 whatever I thought I wanted at the time, 171 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,080 okay, I'll listen to them. 172 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:02,360 But the other guy that looks like a bum or whatever, 173 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,180 you know, I was like, he has nothing to offer me. 174 00:08:04,180 --> 00:08:06,160 I'm not gonna listen to anything he has to say. 175 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,780 But meanwhile, that could be the most spiritual person 176 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,320 in the room, you know, and they could be 177 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:11,440 at the most at peace. 178 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:14,280 And I didn't care how much time anyone had or anything. 179 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:17,240 I didn't wanna talk to anybody, but I would listen 180 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,360 and try to get little bits here and there. 181 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:23,120 And usually I would just use it to manipulate my loved ones 182 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:24,700 and make them think that I went to a meeting 183 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:28,160 and I was getting better, but some of it stuck, you know. 184 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:33,160 And I eventually, I put down the hard drugs 185 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:38,500 and that was in 2019 around Christmas time. 186 00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:42,240 And I just went right back to drinking. 187 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,120 I knew I had a lot of health complications. 188 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:48,300 I was in the hospital for almost two months 189 00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:52,320 due to like infections and abscesses and things like that. 190 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:53,720 And they had told me, they were like, 191 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,360 if you continue to do what you're doing, 192 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,420 we're gonna have to amputate both your arms. 193 00:08:57,420 --> 00:08:59,760 And it still didn't scare me, you know, 194 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,240 like I was like, okay, you know, whatever. 195 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:06,560 And I'd continued to do it for a few weeks after that. 196 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:10,600 And then one of my buddies, I ran into him 197 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,280 and he just like, I don't know, 198 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:15,040 like he just talked straight to me like, you know, 199 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,760 I'm here and I'm gonna do everything I can to get you sober. 200 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:22,040 He said, let's go do whatever you gotta do one last time. 201 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:22,960 And then, and that's it. 202 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,040 And he's like, I'm gonna take you to your mom's 203 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,960 and I'm gonna tell her, you know, I will stay with you. 204 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,640 I'll sleep in the same room as you. 205 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,200 If you go to the restroom, I'm gonna be standing outside. 206 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,880 He's like, I'm gonna be with you 24 hours a day. 207 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,680 And this guy, he really did it. 208 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:39,580 It was amazing. 209 00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,080 It was, we were unemployed. 210 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,060 He had unemployment at the time 211 00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:46,660 and I was able to get off the hard drugs that way. 212 00:09:46,660 --> 00:09:48,960 But I knew I had a problem with that, 213 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:50,600 but I didn't think I had a problem in general. 214 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,680 I was like, okay, I'll stop that, but I'm gonna drink 215 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,080 and I'm gonna smoke weed and I'm gonna take pills. 216 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,920 As long as I don't use a needle or something, I'm good. 217 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:02,920 And I slowly started to get better physically. 218 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,420 And my family even thought like, 219 00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:07,720 oh, he's not stealing anymore. 220 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,640 You know, he does drink way too much, 221 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,600 but he doesn't have to work right now. 222 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,800 Like I had conditioned them 223 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:17,040 to really lower their expectations of me 224 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:21,040 because before, if it wasn't bolted down, I was taking it. 225 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,940 And even if it was, I would unbolt it and take it. 226 00:10:23,940 --> 00:10:26,200 Like it didn't matter, you know. 227 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:30,100 I had done so much harm to the ones that I loved 228 00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:32,980 that they were just happy that I was even around. 229 00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:36,060 And you know, I mean, a lot of them drank too. 230 00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:38,400 So it was kind of more socially acceptable. 231 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:43,400 So I got a job and then I started doing pretty well 232 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:46,560 at the job and I bought a little car. 233 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,920 But when I truly hit my bottom, 234 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:54,360 I feel like I remember I was, so let me back up a little. 235 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,680 So I got this job and I'm drinking every day before work. 236 00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,560 Like I was drinking like I didn't have to go to work still 237 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,060 because I can't stop. 238 00:11:02,060 --> 00:11:05,360 And I would drink and I would go to work 239 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,060 and I would sell furniture 240 00:11:07,060 --> 00:11:10,720 and I would have a bunch of Axe body spray and mouthwash. 241 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,600 And I was, you know, I was doing okay, 242 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:17,100 but some days I would drink a little bit too much 243 00:11:17,100 --> 00:11:19,420 and I would get a little bit mouthy 244 00:11:19,420 --> 00:11:23,280 and I blew up on my boss pretty bad 245 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:24,620 in front of a lot of people. 246 00:11:24,620 --> 00:11:27,560 And he was about to fire me and I said, 247 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:29,240 I have a drinking problem. 248 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:30,800 I already know where to go. 249 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:31,940 I already called him. 250 00:11:31,940 --> 00:11:35,240 I can go to rehab and you know, it's on insurance. 251 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,160 I'll be back in 30 days. 252 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,700 And I did that and so he gave me the chance to do that. 253 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:43,260 And I went to Vogue in Las Vegas. 254 00:11:43,260 --> 00:11:48,040 And it was, you know, there was like 60 guys. 255 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:51,920 A lot of them were vets and it was a good program. 256 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,780 And I just was there though to keep my job. 257 00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:58,440 I was like, I know I can't drink like I was, 258 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,320 but I still think I can drink. 259 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,000 And I definitely still think I can smoke weed, you know. 260 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,360 And I was in a relationship at the time 261 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:06,720 and we lived together. 262 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:11,240 And so I remember doing everything, making these promises. 263 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,220 I wrote a letter to her and everything. 264 00:12:14,220 --> 00:12:16,980 And I was gonna do so good when I got out. 265 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:21,680 But I wasn't fully sold that I was an alcoholic yet. 266 00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:23,960 And I wasn't willing to do anything 267 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,600 because I didn't think I needed to. 268 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:30,600 And so I got out and on my way home from the rehab, 269 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:34,600 I stopped and I bought weed and I smoked it. 270 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:38,200 And then I got home and I was so happy to be there. 271 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,920 I was happy to see her and I was happy to see the girls. 272 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,220 And then after that, I was like, 273 00:12:44,220 --> 00:12:45,720 well, I'm not gonna go to meetings 274 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:46,980 'cause I'm gonna smoke weed. 275 00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:48,960 So I'm not gonna go to meetings and say, 276 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,300 you know, I'm not sober or whatever. 277 00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:53,840 And I don't think I really need to go to meetings. 278 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,680 'Cause the idea in my head of meetings 279 00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,760 was the ones that from a long time ago 280 00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,260 that I just didn't relate to anyone. 281 00:12:59,260 --> 00:13:00,940 There was nothing there for me. 282 00:13:00,940 --> 00:13:03,240 And I thought I could do it on my own, honestly. 283 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:06,560 So that was, I think I got out in October of 2021. 284 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:09,820 And so then I go back to work 285 00:13:09,820 --> 00:13:12,400 and I'm trying to white knuckle it. 286 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,000 Even though I'm still smoking weed, 287 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,120 I just still wanna drink, you know. 288 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,560 And I'm sitting there 289 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:20,280 and I'm afraid pretty much to go anywhere. 290 00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:21,680 I don't wanna do anything. 291 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:24,420 And my girlfriend said, you know, like, 292 00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:27,340 you're just irritable. 293 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,880 You just wanna sit at home all the time. 294 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:31,960 You know, you don't wanna do anything. 295 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,760 I wanna go do stuff, you know. 296 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,320 And I'm like, I don't wanna do anything, you know. 297 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,280 I just don't, I'm not happy. 298 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:39,180 I don't wanna do anything. 299 00:13:39,180 --> 00:13:41,480 So she wanted to go out for New Year's. 300 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,320 I said I didn't want to. 301 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:45,220 So instead we had a party at our house 302 00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:48,320 and she said, you know, you can drink tonight. 303 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,600 And I was like, oh yes, all right, I'll drink tonight. 304 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,760 You know, I'll just drink the one night. 305 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,400 And I did, and I drank a lot. 306 00:13:56,400 --> 00:14:00,040 And everything in me had no intentions 307 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,740 of drinking the next day. 308 00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:04,200 But when I woke up, I was dry heaving 309 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,700 just like I was before. 310 00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:07,860 It was exactly how everything was before. 311 00:14:07,860 --> 00:14:08,880 And I couldn't help it. 312 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,640 I just went to the liquor store and I got a bottle 313 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,640 and I was back and I started drinking again. 314 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:18,280 And then from there it was just a lot of, 315 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,280 you know, it was just a wild, 316 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,840 I'm a hard person to be with when I'm drinking. 317 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,260 And I was argumentative. 318 00:14:25,260 --> 00:14:29,280 I was very just cruel and mean and judgmental. 319 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,360 And I was like that to everybody. 320 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:34,960 And so I ended up going back to my mom's house 321 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:38,400 and I remember that my bottom, I was sitting in my car 322 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:41,040 and it was the middle of summer. 323 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:44,560 My mom wouldn't let me smoke or drink or anything 324 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:45,640 in the garage anymore. 325 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,360 So I'm just sitting in my car parked out front of her house. 326 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,240 None of my friends wanna hang out with me. 327 00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:53,760 Nobody answers my call and I'm just crying in the car 328 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,400 and I'm thinking like, this is what my life's gonna be. 329 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,920 Like, I can't imagine living like this anymore. 330 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:03,680 I can't imagine not drinking. 331 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,000 I don't know what to do. 332 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:10,000 And I blew up on my boss again, the same boss, same job. 333 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:13,760 And I said, you know, and then he calls me into work. 334 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,720 He's like, I don't know what to do, man. 335 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:16,720 I don't wanna fire you. 336 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:17,540 You're great. 337 00:15:17,540 --> 00:15:18,380 You're a great guy. 338 00:15:18,380 --> 00:15:19,760 I could tell you're a great guy, but I don't know what to do. 339 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,800 And I said, let me go back to treatment one more time. 340 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,220 Just give me a final chance, you know? 341 00:15:25,220 --> 00:15:26,940 And he said, okay. 342 00:15:26,940 --> 00:15:30,280 And so I called the Vogue to go back 343 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,200 and they're like, you were just here. 344 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,800 We can't take you back, 345 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:37,920 but you can go to our sister facility in California. 346 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:41,240 So that's how I ended up at the Vogue in California. 347 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:45,180 And I'm there, still no intentions of quitting weed, 348 00:15:45,180 --> 00:15:48,480 but I wanted to, I was desperate. 349 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,480 I had the gift of desperation. 350 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:55,200 And so I said, you know, let me do everything I can. 351 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,920 I had a bunch of weed in the glove box of my car. 352 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,080 And I remember it was like two weeks in, 353 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,680 I called my mom and I told her, I said, 354 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:04,540 hey mom, there's a bunch of weed in my car. 355 00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:06,740 I'm gonna try to stay sober a hundred percent. 356 00:16:06,740 --> 00:16:09,720 And I want you to call my friend 357 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,480 and have him just come pick it up 358 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,240 and tell him he can give me whatever 359 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:15,720 he thinks is fair for it. 360 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:19,200 And then I owed the guy a bunch of money too. 361 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,040 And so he reminded me of that and said, 362 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:22,840 I'm just taking the weed, man. 363 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:26,020 And so anyways, so I did that though, 364 00:16:26,020 --> 00:16:28,800 but it was like a big step for me to actually do that. 365 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,480 'Cause I could have easily just gone home 366 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,600 and had it there as a backup. 367 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,320 It was my original plan, you know? 368 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,600 And so I started to take it seriously. 369 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,700 And I started to notice the people in the rooms 370 00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:41,560 and the stuff that they were saying 371 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,560 and anything that they had been going through 372 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:44,680 and stuff like that. 373 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,920 And the way that they operated, 374 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:51,840 I didn't want money anymore or a house or a car. 375 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,560 None of that stuff was important to me anymore. 376 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,400 What I wanted was peace. 377 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:59,000 Because I felt like for the last 15 years, 378 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,520 I had been just constantly running and running 379 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,880 and running and going and I had to lie 380 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,100 and cover up the lies and remember the lies 381 00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:09,240 and do this and lose money and try to make money 382 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:10,920 and all that, it was just constant. 383 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,000 It was constant. 384 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,140 Then I was running in circles, never getting anywhere. 385 00:17:15,140 --> 00:17:17,860 And I didn't wanna do that anymore. 386 00:17:17,860 --> 00:17:20,520 I wanted a relationship with my family again. 387 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:25,240 And so I asked, you know, I asked Scott, 388 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,720 he was a tech at the house at Vogue. 389 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:30,400 I asked him, you know, like, what do I do, you know? 390 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,680 And he said, you know, if you want what we have, 391 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,320 you gotta do what we do. 392 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:39,320 And then I was at a Monday night quality of life book study 393 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:44,360 and I raised my hand after one of the readings 394 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:47,520 and I said, like, I'm going home. 395 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:51,140 I don't wanna talk about being sober at work 396 00:17:51,140 --> 00:17:52,960 because I had lied to them before 397 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,400 about how many days I had and all this stuff. 398 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:56,360 I don't know what to do. 399 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:59,260 I don't want them to throw a party when I get back 400 00:17:59,260 --> 00:18:01,080 and all this other stuff. 401 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,900 And Greg said, we don't share personal stories 402 00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:05,740 at this meeting. 403 00:18:05,740 --> 00:18:07,760 We'll talk to you after the meeting. 404 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:11,280 And then I talked to Greg after the meeting 405 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:12,640 and he said, do you have a sponsor yet? 406 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,120 And I said, no, I don't have a sponsor. 407 00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:15,080 I live in Las Vegas. 408 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,720 And he's like, there's a guy that lives in Las Vegas. 409 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,240 He works a good program. 410 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:20,440 I'll, you'll get his number. 411 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:21,280 I'll get you his number 412 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,880 and you'll ask him to be your sponsor. 413 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:27,880 And then, so they gave me some dude named Sean's number 414 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,120 and I'm texting him and it wasn't this Sean. 415 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,520 And the dude goes, I don't go to those meetings anymore 416 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:34,520 but good luck, bro. 417 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:37,600 And then I got the right number. 418 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:40,980 And so I met with Sean. 419 00:18:40,980 --> 00:18:43,480 Like, so I was on fire for the program right there 420 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,940 because I was so desperate and I was feeling so good. 421 00:18:45,940 --> 00:18:48,520 Like I, a lot of feelings had come back for me. 422 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,260 I had been numbing myself for so long. 423 00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:53,440 Like just so I didn't have to feel guilt 424 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:54,960 or shame or anything anymore. 425 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,160 But I also wasn't feeling happy. 426 00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,220 I wasn't feeling like grateful. 427 00:18:59,220 --> 00:19:00,500 I wasn't feeling anything else. 428 00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:02,560 And all of those feelings were coming back for me 429 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,840 while I was in Vogue and I was having a great time 430 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,240 and I didn't want it to end. 431 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:10,140 So I immediately, I had a roommate that was in Vegas 432 00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:10,980 when I was in Vogue. 433 00:19:10,980 --> 00:19:13,900 And we met at a meeting right when I landed. 434 00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:17,120 An hour after I got back, I was in a meeting with him. 435 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,360 Then right after that meeting, I went to another meeting 436 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:21,000 and that's where I met Sean. 437 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,320 I still didn't want him to ask him to be my sponsor. 438 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,440 I don't know, you know, I don't know. 439 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,320 I just, it's hard for me to do that. 440 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,360 So Sean was like, "I'll sponsor you if you want me to." 441 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:30,980 And I was like, "All right, that'd be cool." 442 00:19:30,980 --> 00:19:31,820 You know? 443 00:19:31,820 --> 00:19:34,280 And so he said, "Are you willing to go to any length 444 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:35,160 "to stay sober?" 445 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:36,500 And I said, "Yeah, yeah, I am." 446 00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:37,720 You know, I didn't know what that meant. 447 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,260 And then he's like, "All right, call me tomorrow." 448 00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:43,320 And then he texts me this big old list and I'm at work 449 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:46,200 and I'm like, "Look at this list of what I have to do." 450 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,140 I'm showing my coworkers and they're like, 451 00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:49,920 "What, no relationships for a year? 452 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,880 "What if you find the person you love?" 453 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,600 And like, they're like saying all this stuff 454 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:55,760 and they're like, "That's a lot of stuff." 455 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:56,600 And I was like, "I know." 456 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,880 I was like, "But you know, I'm gonna do it." 457 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:03,000 And I remember like, I didn't wanna ever get a sponsor 458 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:08,000 before because I had let myself down so many times 459 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,280 that I didn't wanna let someone else down. 460 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,780 And especially I didn't wanna let someone else down 461 00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:15,660 that was trying to get sober. 462 00:20:15,660 --> 00:20:19,320 So like, I didn't want them to waste their time 463 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:23,600 or me possibly throw them off by them trying to help me 464 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,840 if I fully didn't have confidence in myself. 465 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:28,340 So it was a big, like I never did that before. 466 00:20:28,340 --> 00:20:30,000 I never asked for a sponsor. 467 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,320 And so I'm grateful that Sean asked me 468 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,600 because it's like the key to my sobriety 469 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,580 because I grew up under the influence. 470 00:20:38,580 --> 00:20:42,120 I have no, I had no idea how to be a good son 471 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,840 or be a good partner or be a good employee. 472 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:48,120 Like I was always looking for the easy way out. 473 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:52,120 I was always looking for the loophole or anything 474 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,440 and that's how I operated. 475 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,480 And I operated like that 476 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,520 because I thought everybody operated like that. 477 00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:00,280 I was not gonna let any advantage go 478 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,000 without me taking advantage of it. 479 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:08,240 But Sean, he taught me all the traditions 480 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:09,480 that quality of life does, 481 00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:12,640 all the stuff that the group does. 482 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:13,920 I'm super grateful for it 483 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:17,320 because that's what made me who I am today. 484 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,640 And a lot of it, when I'm doing this stuff, 485 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:23,800 I remember thinking like, I don't see the point in this. 486 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,840 I don't understand why I'm doing this, 487 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,400 all this extra stuff, all the groups I'm going to, 488 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,400 these people aren't doing it. 489 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,860 But I remember when I was in treatment, 490 00:21:33,860 --> 00:21:35,820 somebody, I think it was Scott again. 491 00:21:35,820 --> 00:21:40,560 He said, you don't ask why if you're on fire 492 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,520 and someone hands you a bucket of water 493 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,240 and tells you to pour it over your head. 494 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,040 You don't ask why, you just do it, right? 495 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,740 And so I was like, okay, I'm just gonna do it. 496 00:21:49,740 --> 00:21:51,240 What's the worst that can happen anyway? 497 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,360 So I'm doing all this stuff 498 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:56,180 and I could see the positive results. 499 00:21:56,180 --> 00:21:59,960 And there's even times I'd call Sean and I'd say, 500 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,760 like, dude, I'm getting screwed over in this deal. 501 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:05,440 Like I'm at work, like I'm being honest 502 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,120 and these other people aren't being honest 503 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:08,320 and it's at my detriment 504 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,720 and I'm like really upset about it. 505 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,420 And Sean's like, well, what meeting have you gone to today? 506 00:22:13,420 --> 00:22:15,180 Maybe you should go to a meeting today, you know? 507 00:22:15,180 --> 00:22:17,640 And I'm like, what are you talking? 508 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:21,160 Can you not hear me, you know, like a meeting dude, you know? 509 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:24,440 And then it helped though because, I mean, 510 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:26,140 and then it helped, it helped, you know? 511 00:22:26,140 --> 00:22:28,700 But then perspective, AA has given me perspective 512 00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:31,560 because then like I remember thinking, 513 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:33,480 okay, I'm doing way better. 514 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,200 I have a bunch of money saved. 515 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:39,560 Like I wanna move out and I feel like my relatives 516 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,880 are making fun of me for still living at my mom's 517 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,520 even though they probably weren't, you know, 518 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:44,840 they were just asking. 519 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:46,720 And, you know, he's like, be grateful. 520 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,920 Be grateful that you're even allowed to be at your mom's. 521 00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:50,480 You were trespassed from your mom's. 522 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,000 Like now you're allowed to be there. 523 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,040 She's letting you live in your house, right? 524 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,940 And then it was like I was really relearning 525 00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:59,920 how to be a good person and how to be, you know, 526 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,220 like I was learning about myself. 527 00:23:02,220 --> 00:23:05,120 I was learning like how to identify my weaknesses 528 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:07,220 and I was able to turn them into strengths 529 00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:10,440 and I was able to help other people 530 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,440 and you never know when you're gonna need it 531 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:18,440 because for me, like I gotta live at my mom's for a year 532 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,740 and make a living amends to her 533 00:23:20,740 --> 00:23:23,140 because she was the one that I hurt the most. 534 00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:25,680 Everybody else stopped talking to me. 535 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,120 I used to have a huge resentment against my dad 536 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:30,920 because he stopped answering my phone calls. 537 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,980 But the last time I talked to my dad, he had said to me, 538 00:23:33,980 --> 00:23:35,960 you only call me when you need money 539 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,200 and you never call me as a son. 540 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:40,240 You always call me as a problem. 541 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:43,080 So if I come meet you and I give you this money, 542 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:46,320 I do not wanna talk to you ever again. 543 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,000 And I said, that's fine, just give me the money. 544 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:53,040 And I took the money and I held a resentment against him 545 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:57,500 and it took AA for me to learn that my spot in that, 546 00:23:57,500 --> 00:24:00,480 you know, like I thought he let me down. 547 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,480 I can only imagine when I put myself in his shoes 548 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,120 how he must've felt, you know? 549 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:08,560 And so I was able to make this living amends to my mom 550 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,440 and show up for her and show up for my brother 551 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,800 and then in March of this year, 552 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,080 my older brother passed away. 553 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:19,160 And it was like everything that I had been doing 554 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:22,160 in the program, it just kicked in right away, 555 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:24,460 second nature without me even thinking about it. 556 00:24:24,460 --> 00:24:28,160 The first thing I did was I called my mom 557 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,680 and then the second thing I did was I called Sean 558 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,720 and he told me to be of service to my mom. 559 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,240 I drove right over there. 560 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,320 I was able to be of service to my mom 561 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:40,960 and to my younger brother and to my older brother's dad. 562 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:41,960 We had different dads. 563 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,920 I was able to be of service to him 564 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:48,200 and I am so grateful that I was able to make amends 565 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:51,360 to my brother and my mom because if I had moved out, 566 00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:54,500 I wouldn't have gone up there and visited a lot 567 00:24:54,500 --> 00:24:55,900 or done, you know, whatever. 568 00:24:55,900 --> 00:24:58,440 I was able to be there and me and him built 569 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,620 a really good relationship in that year that I was there. 570 00:25:01,620 --> 00:25:05,440 And he used to know me as the thief. 571 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:07,600 I would steal his change jar. 572 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:09,700 I would steal his old video games. 573 00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:12,480 I would pawn all his shit and he would hate it 574 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:14,240 when I would come to the house. 575 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:15,080 He hated it. 576 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:16,360 He would lock his stuff up. 577 00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:19,560 And I was able to rebuild that relationship with him 578 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,240 and I didn't see at the time why I needed to be there 579 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:24,120 but I'm so grateful that I did. 580 00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:27,680 And a lot of AA has been like that for me, you know. 581 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,920 Showing up early, doing the right thing, you know. 582 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:35,920 And then even in my work, like I had a boss 583 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:39,840 that was an alcoholic who had tried to get sober and couldn't 584 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:40,960 and he was an alcoholic. 585 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,100 And I almost, I wanted to quit. 586 00:25:43,100 --> 00:25:45,200 Like I was so tired of this guy. 587 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,720 He was just doing all kinds of stuff that I felt. 588 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:51,840 I took it very personal and I despised working for this guy. 589 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:55,160 And Sean would tell me, just pray for him, you know. 590 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:56,000 Just pray for him. 591 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:59,080 Just remember he is sick and so when I thought of that, 592 00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:01,560 you know, I did pray for him and I had patience 593 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:05,140 and I had tolerance and I was able to continue 594 00:26:05,140 --> 00:26:09,680 to do my job and you know, he actually pulled me aside 595 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:12,760 one day and told me, you know, all his whole history 596 00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:14,900 of drinking and his family's history of drinking. 597 00:26:14,900 --> 00:26:17,680 And I was able to tell him like, hey, if you ever need 598 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:20,720 to go or you ever want to go to a meeting or anything, 599 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:24,000 I'm always open, you can always call me for that. 600 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:25,720 And I'm glad I was able to do that. 601 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:27,560 He didn't call me but you know, I still pray 602 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:31,680 for him sometimes but I'm just glad that I stayed sober 603 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:34,080 over it and I didn't do anything irrational 604 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:35,480 and quit my job, you know. 605 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:41,380 But all of that is a result of AA and today my life is, 606 00:26:41,380 --> 00:26:44,420 you know, beyond what I ever thought it could be. 607 00:26:44,420 --> 00:26:46,460 I have all these things that I didn't think I wanted. 608 00:26:46,460 --> 00:26:50,600 I was able to make amends, you know, with the girl 609 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,520 that I was with and now we're engaged. 610 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:57,220 It's Marissa, she's on the thing and she has a, 611 00:26:57,220 --> 00:27:01,160 she's sober and she has a program and it's a beautiful, 612 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,220 we have a beautiful house together that's sober 613 00:27:03,220 --> 00:27:05,540 and you know, the only reason I made amends to her 614 00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:07,920 is because I was being of service to the roundup, 615 00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:11,900 our convention committee and I even said to Shawn like, 616 00:27:11,900 --> 00:27:14,360 I don't know why I have to be down here the whole weekend, 617 00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:17,220 it's Thanksgiving weekend, you know, and like, 618 00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:20,680 and then when I'm up there in the front welcoming people in, 619 00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:23,120 there she is, she walks right in, it was a perfect time. 620 00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:27,380 I made amends to her, it was great and I'm super grateful 621 00:27:27,380 --> 00:27:31,880 for the life that I have and you know, I go to meetings 622 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:34,520 and I never know what I'm gonna hear 623 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:37,380 but I do keep an open mind because I always seem 624 00:27:37,380 --> 00:27:40,720 to get something from it and a lot of the meetings 625 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:44,000 I've gone to lately have been guys talking about 626 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,840 having 12 years and going out, 14 years and going out 627 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:51,560 or a year and going out and it's always similar 628 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:55,740 like they think they got it, life got really good, 629 00:27:55,740 --> 00:27:58,080 they stopped going to meetings, 630 00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:02,560 they stopped being of service and so that to me 631 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,800 is stuff I need to hear because sometimes I feel like 632 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,440 I start to think that I'm the one doing this, 633 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,120 I'm the one keeping me sober, 634 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:12,880 I'm the one putting in the work when really it's God, 635 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:17,240 it's quality of life, it's AA, it's everybody around me 636 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:19,960 that is helping me, they're the ones doing it, 637 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:24,840 I'm just here, you know, I'm so grateful for all that 638 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:29,840 and now I go to, you know, all my meetings here, 639 00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:33,960 I have a sponsee which is new, which I, you know, 640 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,680 another thing I wasn't sure I was ready to do 641 00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:41,040 but I've been going to the Salvation Army Treatment Center 642 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:45,520 out here every week for the past few months now 643 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:49,760 and those guys, we work, you know, we work with those guys 644 00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,680 that are, it's like the end of the road for them, 645 00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:55,200 it's a free rehab, a lot of them have, 646 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:58,320 it's like the last house on the block 647 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:02,200 and it's a beautiful thing and they are there 648 00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:05,160 for six months so I see them every week 649 00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:09,640 and I'm just doing what you guys taught me. 650 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:11,640 I told him too, I was like none of this 651 00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:14,440 is my own original idea, just so you know. 652 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:17,440 All I'm doing is telling you what I did 653 00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:20,880 and whether or not you do it is completely up to you 654 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:25,120 but that's exactly what I do now to stay sober 655 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:26,440 and that's what my sponsor did 656 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:27,600 and that's what his sponsor did 657 00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:31,040 and so I'm here and I'm here to help any way I can 658 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:33,720 and I do feel good and it does keep me sober 659 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:37,200 so no matter what becomes of my sponsee, 660 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:39,400 I just am grateful that I'm able to be of service 661 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:41,160 and I'm able to stay sober, you know, 662 00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:44,240 and I got, I don't know, I just, 663 00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:49,240 I'm really happy that I am able to reflect on the past 664 00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:53,520 'cause for the longest time I didn't wanna think about it 665 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:56,720 and I was super guilty because of it, you know, 666 00:29:56,720 --> 00:30:00,160 I just felt terrible but I feel like the things 667 00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:04,320 that happened to me and the things that I did 668 00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:08,040 made me who I am today and it brought me to this point 669 00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:10,800 in my life that I never would have been without 670 00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:14,560 and before I thought being an alcoholic was a curse 671 00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:16,240 and now I look at it as a blessing. 672 00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:18,120 I never understood when people said 673 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:20,240 they were grateful alcoholics 674 00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:24,000 but I would never have looked at myself 675 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:27,600 and worked on myself and made an effort 676 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:30,360 to be a better person if it wasn't for the fact 677 00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:34,160 that I was an alcoholic and went to Alcoholics Anonymous 678 00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:35,960 and all of that is because of you guys 679 00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:38,400 and so I don't know, I think that's it. 680 00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:41,260 I'm grateful, you know, for you letting me share. 681 00:30:41,260 --> 00:30:46,280 I wanna thank my sponsor, my higher power, 682 00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:48,280 quality of life and AA as a whole.