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 Good evening my name is Maggie and I'm an alcoholic. I want to thank Nate for asking me to come out and

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 participate in my sobriety. It's always an honor for this to come out and share my experience

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 strength and hope and I want to thank John for his lead. Thank you so much and welcome to the

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 newcomers. If there's anything that you can take away from here tonight is that I sat in those

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 very same seats and I was new at one time and I never thought or imagined I even ever wanted the

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 life I have today. You know as a newcomer like I didn't even picture the life I have today.

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 All I know is that I couldn't keep living the way I was living. A little bit about me is my sobriety

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 date is August 26, 2011. My sponsor's name is Sally M and my home group is the roommate teachable

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 meeting in Tarzana and I sponsor women and I work these steps on a daily basis. I want to thank my

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 sponsors also for being here tonight you know coming out and being supportive and you know when

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 I got here to AA I didn't know nothing about life. I didn't even know how to feel. I didn't even know

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 what feelings were because I've had enough of them at such a very young age with alcohol and drugs

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 that I didn't even know how to put names to my feelings. I started drinking at the age of 14

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 and you know my very first drink was a cisco and a night train and a thunderbird all mixed together

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 because we collected our change. All of us collected our change and we went outside of the

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 liquor store and we asked some paisas to buy us alcohol you know and we were in middle school we

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 had no business doing that. My parents had no idea that I would steal their change and be out there

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 begging for people to buy me alcohol but we did and I remember the very first time that I drank

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 we went and bought this stuff in the liquor store and we went to the liquor store and we bought we

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 got all those drinks and we went to this this house and we drank these drinks and I passed out

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 and I remember being a kid I was always so full of fear like I was always afraid like of going home

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 because my dad was always I never knew what kind of mood he was going to be in and he was very

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 abusive so I remember passing out and waking up and it was 8 pm and I was supposed to be home from

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 school at 2 30 pm and I was not home I was passed out and when I woke up I didn't care and I was

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 like oh my goodness I want to feel like this all the time I didn't care about getting in trouble

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 when I went home I got home my dad pulled up the belt he whipped me I didn't care I wanted to do

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 this every day I wanted to feel like this every day I did not want to be afraid of my dad anymore

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 and like this is the way I wanted to live so the very next day I did the same thing I just

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 proceeded to ditch school and do the same thing go get some you know go get some alcohol from

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 the place at the liquor store and it just became like a routine thing when I was 15 my mother passed

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 away um she she was suffering from cancer and um and I didn't even know how to grieve my mother

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 I just I just knew that I didn't want to feel the way that I was feeling and I loved my mother she

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 was like the most kindest loving person in the whole entire world and she did everything for me

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 and um and she did everything for everybody else like I always just saw my mom she was just so

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 compassionate and caring and loving and my dad was the complete opposite and I began to like

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 get resentful towards God because I couldn't understand why he took my mom and not my dad

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 I questioned God's motives for me and I kind of turned my back on God at that time and um

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 I continued to drink I ran away from home I never went back home so I basically was living uh doing

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 whatever I wanted to do since the age of 15 on the streets running a mug staying in friends garages

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 in their cars without their parents knowing um a friend of mine took me in I watched her kid I

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 babysat for you know for free while she let me stay at her house and you know I just kind of

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 basically at 15 um did whatever I wanted to do and drink however I wanted to drink and she was 21

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 and I was 15 so she can get me alcohol and as long as I can be up to watch her kids the next day she

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 didn't care what I did either so I partied like a rock star and uh and when I was 16 I got pregnant

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 and my first kid at 17 and um you know you would think like oh well maybe she'll stop drinking you

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 know she just had a baby or whatever no I was always trying to find a babysitter so I can drink

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 like I wanted to and um you know just like that's just how it was it was never like nothing was ever

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 a priority to me and I didn't know how to be responsible I didn't know how to live life on

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 life's terms you know um I just wanted to feel I just didn't want to feel fear I didn't want to

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 feel pain so I continued to drink and um that's what I did most of um my teenage years and then

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 when I was um when I was about 20 I did a geographic because I had picked up other substances

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 and I was like you know what everything will be okay if I just stop doing that substance so I

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 moved to San Diego to get away from the substance and um but I still was going to drink because

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 drinking was not my problem and I moved to San Diego and I found another substance and um and

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 I was had another baby when I was 21 and this is the first sign that I ever got that like there's

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 possibly something wrong with me because um at six months pregnant I started um using meth

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 um was working at a night I was working a night shift job and I used the meth to stay awake at

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 night and um you know all the nurses were doing it but you know and um so I was you know I went

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 to school I was doing good but then I picked this up and here I am you know using meth at six months

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 pregnant well I was still going to the doctor and doing everything that I was supposed to be doing

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 and I guess when you go to the doctor they test you for drugs and I didn't know so when I had my

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 baby the doctor told me that I was not taking my baby home because I was an addict and I said how

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 dare you like what is wrong with you why would you say that to me I was so angry at the doctors

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 are telling me that you know because I had no idea what my world was going to become you know and so

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 they went to my house they took my four-year-old daughter and they took my newborn baby and you

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 know they would put them into a foster care and you would think right so I went into a program

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 uh outpatient program and I I really wanted to get my kids back like I love my kids and I wanted

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 to get my kids back but I I couldn't let go of the I couldn't let go I couldn't let go of the

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 drinking I couldn't let go of the drugs and I was so far into what I was doing that like I didn't

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 even realize that I was still trying to blame everybody else it's the social workers it's this

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 it's that and I'm never looking at Maggie and what's wrong with Maggie so um eventually my kids

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 got adopted out um I never got custody of them again and I was like really depressed and just

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 like I couldn't understand like I love my kids so much like why couldn't I get them back like

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 what's wrong with me something's wrong with me and I remember just feeling so depressed and just like

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 you know not wanting to feel pain and just continuing to do what I do and the way I cope

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 was drinking and using so I you know I didn't know the geographic I moved from San Diego back to the

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 valley because I figured maybe dad will fix me um moved back to the valley started working got a job

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 started doing okay um met a man got married had kids um he partied just like I did eventually

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 you know it became very violent that relationship and um you know I used to be like I used to think

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 that he was the reason for a lot of things you know I was looking for people to blame

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 and uh eventually that relationship got so abusive that I had to leave and I took my kids and and you

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 know I didn't I didn't in the geographic and you know just never looking at Maggie always looking

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 at you know at what everybody else is doing never looking at what Maggie's doing and um I took my

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 kids and eventually eventually that caught up with me too and and and my house was raided by the SWAT

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 team and my my kids my three kids were about to get taken away from me again um and I called my ex-husband

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 I told my ex-husband you need to come pick up these kids because if you don't pick them up social

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 services is going to pick them up and it's going to be your fault and I remember him being so like

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 how is this going to be my fault and I'm like just come get them so he came and got the kids

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 and they ended up not going to foster care because he came and picked up the kids and then um but I

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 still was out there running the muck I I couldn't get sober and um and I I just I wanted to be with

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 my kids so bad I missed my kids I used to like I used to try to force him to let me see my kids

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 and he was like no I'm not letting you see your kids like this like girl how best like get your

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 stuff together and I'll let you see your kids and I remember you know being drunk jumping the

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 water with his house knocking on the door begging him to let me see my kids but never trying to see

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 what Maggie can do to get better so she can see her kids you know and eventually in 2011 I got

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 pregnant again and this is 10 years after I lost my first children um because they did my first kids

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 and um I got pregnant again and I'm using meth and I'm drinking alcohol my entire pregnancy

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 again and um I didn't have any of my kids living with me and I got to a point where I was just like

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 this is like not okay I I have to do something about it and I remember going into labor and my

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 sister I my sister wanted me to have the baby at the house because she knew if I went to the

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 hospital they were going to take my baby and um I said I give up I'm going to the hospital and I'm

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 going to tell the truth I went to the hospital I told them I've been getting high I've been getting

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 run by a child pregnancy you know um so they took my baby they had an emergency c-section the baby

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 was fine but the social services took custody of my baby and he ended up going my friend ended up

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 taking him like into her foster care so he wasn't far and he was with somebody that I knew and um

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 you know I remember her telling her dude can you can you take my baby but I just took him for me

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 and she said you're so stupid and I'm like I am but I remember that thought like that day when I

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 went into labor I just was like god help me I remember just saying that like god help me like

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 I didn't know what else to do and um after I got out of during the I was in the hospital I was

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 calling different treatment centers and like a little bit after I got out of the hospital um

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 I just started calling all the hospitals all the places that like I was trying to get into

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 and I had been to treatment before because I had depression and I needed to get rid of my depression

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 like I never really wanted to get sober I just you know I had other issues going on and this time I

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 was like I need to get sober I need to stop doing this to my kids I didn't think like I need to stop

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 doing this to Maggie I was like I need to stop doing this to my kids right and um so I went into

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 Tarzano treatment center they called me and they told me that they had a bed for I called them and

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 they're like we have a bed for you come in tomorrow and I remember telling them tomorrow's Friday can I

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 come in Monday because I wanted a party for the rest of the weekend but they're like if you don't

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 come tomorrow you'll come back so I went to treatment and um you know I started doing

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 everything I was you know I had I told myself this time when I go into rehab I'm gonna follow

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 the rules I'm not gonna take a phone with me I'm not gonna get in a relationship because all those

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 things I've done already before rehab so I I decided this time I'm gonna follow the rules

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 except for about 45 days into my um treatment I decided that I had a court date and they cancelled

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 it and so I was like you know what I'm just gonna go get one four local and I'm gonna drink it and

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 by the time I come back there's no they're not even gonna notice I'm gonna have this four local

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 and I'll be good and I took some girl with me because I knew her from the street so I told her

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 you're gonna be my support so here I am planning manipulating like an alcoholic does and um I

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 plotted and I manipulated and she was my support and she came with me and I told her let me go

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 collect some money because people owe me money so I took her to the dope spot to collect my money

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 and um and yeah it was all bad but I had a four local and then I had two four locals and then

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 I had three four locals and then you know and then yeah it was just all bad and she was getting high

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 and I was getting high and then um came the time to go home at 5 pm I told her you better not say

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 nothing you better you know she will talk to you down I was like like trying to calm her down and

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 I was telling her she I was threatening her that she better not snitch on me and we get to the

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 treatment center and when I get there they ask me if there's anything that I have to tell them

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 and I said I got hired I'm not drunk and so did she and I was like who said that let me tell you

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 that I would never tell the truth never I there was no truth that ever came out of me and that day

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 when that came out of my mouth I know I had to be glad because I I literally have been in treatment

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 before like I said and they would ask me to pee in a cup and I would drop my pee in the toilet and

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 be like oops I dropped it oops I can't pee and I would leave because I was not gonna give them a

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 dirty but that day I was like tell the truth Maggie so I told the truth she was sitting outside the

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 door I started crying they're like okay it's okay just go wait outside and then when when I open the

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 door I'm like tell them everything she was like everything I was like yeah everything so they

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 grounded me they didn't kick me out thank god um but the next day they asked me why they shouldn't

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 kick me out and I said because I don't want to die and another time that god spoke to me he said

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 those words that came out of my mouth I don't want to die because I always wanted to die

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 um that's how I always felt like I always like since I was 15 like I just didn't want to be here

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 and um so when I said that I know that was god talking talking for me and they're like okay go

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 to your room we're gonna figure out we're gonna do so they grounded me and then I was brought to

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 a meeting at quality of life and uh you know just began my journey in sobriety I met a woman here

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 I actually sponsored me she told me what I needed to do um I was at that treatment center they picked

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 up women um multiple days of the week and um I made sure that I was in the car every single time

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 they came to pick up women and one time I tried not to come but my sponsor told them like no go

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 get her like she's coming but like I remember just being so eager to stay sober I didn't have

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 any other way there was nothing else for me to do nowhere else for me to go nothing nothing left for

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 me to try just doing it your guys's way the way AA does it and um and little by little my life

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 started to change you know I remember thinking to myself when I was newly sober I'm gonna get my

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 kids I'm gonna go you know I'm gonna go here I gotta go do this and like no no you don't you

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 need to wait you need to do your steps you need to stay sober you need to finish treatment you

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 know a little by little um so I just followed whatever you whatever you guys told me to do I

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 did it I started to work the steps my life started to change and um you know by little like I went

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 to court for my kids got joint custody my other kids I hadn't seen them but um you know I had

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 started calling the adoption agencies to see if like there was any I could communicate with them

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 in any way and um at that time they had told me that they did not want communication with me

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 and I was okay with that and I still have the letter that they wrote to me where they said

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 that they couldn't they didn't want to communicate with me and I wrote on that letter I put on God's

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 time not mine and I put the letter away and I still have it it's in my blocks without my

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 birthday cards from people into writing um but I remember just feeling like so helpless like okay

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 I don't know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna just turn to these people who are helping me

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 and that's what I did I did whatever was asked of me I did it I didn't fight I didn't kick I didn't

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 like try to do things my way I did it whatever way you guys asked me to do it and um you know um

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 doing a four step with when I finally looked at Maggie and all the finger pointing pointed back

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 to me that was probably the best thing I could have done because you know um that's when I

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 realized that I wasn't doing it for my kids I was doing it for me um you know because I needed to

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 change me my kids were fine they needed to change them my ex-husband didn't need to change himself

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 the social worker didn't need to change the system didn't even change um I needed to change and um

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 and it was such a blessing and such a gift to be able to look at Maggie and see all the things

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 see how selfish I had been and so and how like self-centered I was um and what a manipulator I

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 was and what a liar I was it sounds weird that I'm saying that it was a good thing but it was the

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 best thing that could have happened to me because I started to be aware of my behaviors I started to

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 be vigilant like when I wanted to lie or when I wanted to manipulate or I wanted to like not go

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 somewhere when I knew I should be there you know I started to see those patterns or these behaviors

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 and I started to do the opposite you know um and that's what the steps helped me like realize that

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 um there was a lot of things I needed to change in Maggie and so I did the steps I'm working the

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 steps I'm working with the sponsor um you know and my life started to change immensely little by little

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 I got my kids back in my life I'm in a man in sobriety we had a beautiful relationship um he

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 taught me a lot of things about life he taught me about how to build my credit and you know how to

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 take care of my household and um how to be a good mother like he taught me a lot of things that I

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 did not you know like just the other day we had no power it's so weird we had no power in our house

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 because they shut off our power and I had a generator in the garage I would have never ever

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 thought myself a generator and but I did because he taught me those kind of things he taught me how

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 to like be sustainable and help myself like I couldn't have done those things and you know

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 and we had a baby and you know my other kids moved in with me and I had full custody of my kids

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 I poured my kids and you know what we had a beautiful life and in um and 2018 he passed away he had a

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 surgery and it was not successful and um you know I had to go to grief sober and um and I experienced

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 that not alone I literally had a room full of people there people here people who are in this

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 room right now um there with me you know I needed to move out of my house because I couldn't afford

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 that house I had to move into an apartment and all these people showed up at my house

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 and they picked up my house and they moved me in two hours and um put my bed together put my fridge

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 together like literally did for me what I could not do for myself at the time um you know I never

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 have to do anything alone and you know a little bit before he passed away in 2017 um I got a phone

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 call from my friend and she told me that she had my daughter calling her and I said what daughter

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 and she said so once I got adopted out I hadn't seen them in 14 years she said they want your

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 number is it okay like give it to them and I said yes give it to them and I like I couldn't wait and

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 then she called me accidentally then I called her back she was like I was like it's okay if you're

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 not ready to talk to me but then we video chatted and all of us like my whole entire family were just

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 so grateful and so blessed that these young girls were back in my life my that was my at that time

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 she was 18 no she was 20 and my younger one was she was 21 and my younger one was 17 and my 17

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 year old wasn't ready to talk to me but she was willing to say hello she was willing to meet me

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 so I went and I met them for the very first time I had a granddaughter that was eight months old

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 she's eight now but um those girls call me mom today I never imagined that those girls would

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 come back into my life and even if they did I wouldn't imagine I had a relationship I have

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 with them today you know but you guys taught me how to suit up and show up they taught me how to

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 look at Maggie so that Maggie's not making the same mistakes she was making back then and um I

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 started to be accountable and unselfish and giving and loving and like understanding and listening

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 instead of you know giving instead of taking you know and I gave my kids that space and I told them

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 like if there's anything that they needed to know I would be honest with them and I and I was honest

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 with them and um you know I have now I have four grandchildren they all call me Gigi and you know

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 what it has been like one of the biggest gifts in my life um you know I have four teenagers at home

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 when they got here were like four five and six and they are 19 they are 17 18 and 19 right now

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 my house smells like weed sometimes and they try to tell me that it might be a skunk outside

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 you know we have spent consuming and I said to my son baby I caught him slipping because I said

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 you know if you want to go to the military um are you going to be able to stop smoking weed because

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 that's going to be an issue if you need help just let me know because I can call my you know

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 I can call somebody for you and he's like no I think I can stop him like oh okay but like you

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 know I mean I'm not dumb um but they're actually not bad kids they're not bad kids um I was so

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 diverse right I was living on my own when I was 15 so the fact that my daughter didn't get pregnant

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 before 18 I'm like she's a good kid the fact that they're not jumping out the window anymore

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 they're a good kid um but you know they're they're actually just my son he works for a security

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 company it's just I have the gift of watching them grow up that I wouldn't have had that if I

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 continue to drink in news you know I get to be their mom I get to tell them like I get to teach

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 them and show them and be compassionate and loving it I have a sponsor that she always teaches me I

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 want to like ring their necks but she tells me to talk to them about love and compassion and it's

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 been kind of hard to be honest because my kids told me oh that I they have an issue with me

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 because they said I'm always young but uh so I've been trying to be loving and compassionate

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 I don't know man I think you know weed is probably helping me but I'm sorry I'm trying um you know I

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 have I have a good life today you know I have a career I didn't before I get into AA I didn't

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 even have a job for seven years I was looking at my social security statement I have seven years

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 missing no job I don't know how I was surviving or living with no job on my own in the streets

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 well I kind of know how but you know um exactly it's crazy it's crazy to me you know um and I have

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 a career today and you know that's because somebody in these rooms gave me a job you know they gave me

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 a job and they taught me how to do what I'm doing today and like I would never even imagine that I

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 would have you know that type of that type of career or that type of job and that people will

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 rely on me or count on me you know I was telling my sponsor here that uh when I was using it

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 drinking then when I was using and drinking um I didn't even get invited to my family's house for

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 Thanksgiving nobody wanted my idea at their house I was kubu you know um I wasn't invited to

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 Thanksgiving I wasn't invited to Christmas I um I would have this Thanksgiving dinner

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 but whatever house I had wherever I was staying and we would call it the reject Thanksgiving and

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 we would invite everybody over who didn't whose family didn't care enough to invite them um and

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 we would just have Thanksgiving ourselves and um and you know what this year is like where am I

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 gonna go for Thanksgiving like I I have to like choose you know I have to choose where I'm gonna

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 where I'm gonna go or even for the holidays like I have to pick and choose like oh my god well I

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 have to go here and I have to go and it's just like I have so many choices today so many blessings

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 two Christmases ago um I was able to spend Christmas with all seven of my children for

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 the very first time in my life um they're all in my life now but we never ever got together and had

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 a Christmas together and I was telling my daughters that the years that they were away from me I used

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 to think about them on their birthdays and on Christmas and I and I used to think like I hope

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 they're having a good Christmas as even when I was high and drinking I would think about my daughters

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 and I would be like I hope they're having a good Christmas and what's weird is that my daughter

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 told me that she used to think the same thing like wherever my mom's at I hope she's having

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 a good Christmas so it's like it's weird how things happen in life but I know that I would

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 have not had any of this if I wouldn't have stayed sober I know that my life would not be where it's

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 at today if I wouldn't have stayed sober I still go to three meetings a week I have commitments at

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 those meetings I still pick up women from treatment centers I I still give back you know I know that

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 there was a time where I was very uncomfortable with myself because I wasn't doing those things

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 it was a brief moment a little bit after COVID right I was so uncomfortable in my own skin I

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 didn't know what to do because I wasn't doing the things I was supposed to be doing and um and it

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 does it gets up very if it gets very tight and very uncomfortable very fast and character defects

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 start to come up and you start thinking well I should have this or I should have that and like

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 not being grateful for what you have you know and um you know I had I had to look at myself again

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 and I had to like what do I need to do different I started picking up women again and I started

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 going to more meetings and you know what and I started participating in the convention with Lacey

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 and and you know just it's been a lot of service um and just giving back and just keep doing what

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 I'm doing and just working these steps uh to the best of my ability every day um so um just want

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 to say how grateful I am to all of you I miss all your faces um you know I I just I kind of

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 miss hearing plop and uh yeah I'm just grateful to be here I'm grateful for my life today thank

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 you to AA and thank you to you