1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,920 Hey, y'all, my name is Jay Westbrook. 2 00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:04,480 I'm an alcoholic in Tupelo, Mississippi. 3 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,080 It's over today by God's mercy 4 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:09,020 and the practice of the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. 5 00:00:09,020 --> 00:00:10,720 And this is Nancy Westbrook. 6 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:12,520 Let's see a picture of her. 7 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:15,400 That's so you, I mean, you're gonna be hearing about Nancy. 8 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:17,640 So now you have an image to go with that. 9 00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:19,520 And we are so pleased to be here. 10 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,480 We, I'm old as though you couldn't tell. 11 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:26,120 And we met Friday night, June 7th, 1968 12 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:28,760 at a party in Pacific Palace AIDS. 13 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,640 And up in the hills and we took that footbridge 14 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,240 about one in the morning, the footbridge over PCH 15 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,480 who came down in front of Gladstone's, 16 00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:38,240 walked the beach for five hours. 17 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:41,400 The sun came up and it was a mori prima noce, 18 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:42,560 love at first night. 19 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:47,200 And we were truly inseparable from that first morning. 20 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,360 And it was a match made in heaven 21 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,840 'cause we were both alcoholics and drug addicts. 22 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,440 And we did it till the wheels fell off. 23 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:57,560 Mine fell off first and I came into the rooms. 24 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:01,200 And on December 2nd, 1988, and have stayed 25 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:04,360 and Nancy had no interest in getting sober, 26 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,240 but she got lonely and she started going to meetings. 27 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,640 And on my 90th day, Nancy stood up and said, 28 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,000 "I'm Nancy Morgan Westbrook. 29 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,920 "I'm a cocaine addict and alcoholic." 30 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:16,760 And stayed sober from then on and never relapsed. 31 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:20,040 And that's absolutely amazing. 32 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:23,600 And I will tell you, it was like Michael in "The Godfather" 33 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,680 when he fled to Sicily and saw Apollonia 34 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,200 and it just thunderbolt love. 35 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,040 And that first morning was like that. 36 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,160 And I will tell you that 11 weeks to the day 37 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,800 after our 42nd wedding anniversary, 38 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:40,200 Nancy died in my arms in our home on hospice 39 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,480 with pancreatic cancer and the world went out from under me. 40 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,040 The ground went out from under me 41 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,320 and I didn't know if I could stay sober, you know, 42 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,400 but I got real clear that I wasn't willing 43 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,280 to disrespect the program that gave Jay so much, 44 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:56,000 that gave Nancy so much, that gave Jancy so much. 45 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,120 Jancy, we were that AA couple 46 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:02,280 in West Hollywood, California, and then in Lake Balboa. 47 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:06,280 And so I reframed my pain, a small price to pay 48 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:09,280 for a lifelong love affair, small price to pay. 49 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:10,720 I took my wedding ring off. 50 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,000 I took my ring and Nancy's to JR. 51 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,120 He's a custom jeweler in Beverly Hills. 52 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:17,000 And I said, "Melt the two rings together 53 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,560 "and make one that's thicker and wider." 54 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:20,880 And that's what I wear today. 55 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,920 And so you kind of have Jancy speaking to you tonight. 56 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,840 And I would love to tell you, I will tell you, 57 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:30,280 that that passion, that intense Thunderbolt love, 58 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,640 never dimmed, never lessened, never abated. 59 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,680 From that first morning right through 60 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:39,480 to Nancy's terminal exhalation, that passion was there. 61 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:40,960 And I would love to tell you 62 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:44,880 that it was matched by behavior, but that would be a lie 63 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:46,680 'cause we were alcoholics, you know, 64 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,880 and we were self-centered and self-righteous 65 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,920 and self-pitying and arrogant and immature 66 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:55,080 and grandiose and scorekeeping and manipulative 67 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,040 and fear-based and reactive. 68 00:02:57,040 --> 00:03:01,160 And I could go on and on and on, but I won't. 69 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:04,600 And we were baffled 'cause we loved each other so much 70 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:09,000 and we just couldn't make it work behaviorally, you know. 71 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,360 And then very early on in sobriety, 72 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:15,280 we stumbled upon the idea that the 12 traditions 73 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,800 are the instruction manual for relationships, 74 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:22,200 romantic friendships in the rooms at work, on the freeway, 75 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,800 with self and with God. 76 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,480 And we got sponsors and we worked steps, 77 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,040 but we lived and loved those traditions. 78 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,080 And we developed a workshop that we did. 79 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,160 And then now that Nancy has died, 80 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:37,280 I've been doing it all over the world on Zoom. 81 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:41,440 I'm doing it next Saturday, a two-hour version of it. 82 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,840 And it's just amazing stuff, you know. 83 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:48,840 And that first step that says I am powerless 84 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:54,360 over alcohol and drugs, no matter what I do or think 85 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:59,280 or pledge or promise or swear, I'm not gonna dot, dot, dot. 86 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,120 And I do. 87 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:04,440 And I swear to God, I don't intend to, and I just can't not. 88 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:07,400 And my life is unmanageable by me alone. 89 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:11,320 And that's real clarity on the problem, 90 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:12,640 but not the solution. 91 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,880 The solution is right there in the first tradition. 92 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:19,120 That I put the common welfare first, not Nancy's welfare, 93 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:22,000 not Jay's welfare, but the common welfare. 94 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:25,680 And that our recovery as alcoholics depends upon our unity, 95 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:30,040 but the recovery of my marriage depends upon Jancy's unity. 96 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:34,520 And it was early sobriety and in my arrogance, 97 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,960 maybe it was my hair, it was even bigger then. 98 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:41,040 And I thought I knew, I just knew. 99 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,000 And I knew the IRS was after me 100 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,960 and they hadn't written a letter, which is what they did do. 101 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,240 They hadn't called, 102 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:50,080 but I knew they were gonna seize my bank account. 103 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:53,840 And I rushed to the bank and I pulled all the money out, 104 00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:57,960 $9,800, not a lot of money today, but in 1989, 105 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,400 it was a chunk and we were saving for a house. 106 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:04,440 And I put that money, all that cash in my back pocket. 107 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,680 And the next day I got on my little Honda shadow motorcycle 108 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:09,400 and you know what happened. 109 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:10,880 I don't know how it happened, 110 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:13,840 but I ended up in front of Glendale Harley Davidson 111 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:16,440 and in the window was a used red soft tail 112 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:19,160 with a price tag of $9,800. 113 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,360 And I knew that meant the God in whom I didn't believe 114 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,760 wanted me to have a Harley, but Jancy wanted a house, 115 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:29,840 but Jay who wanted a Harley, but Jancy wanted a house. 116 00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,600 And for the first time I made a conscious decision 117 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,800 to put the common welfare first. 118 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,480 And I left the Harley in the window 119 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,200 and the money in my pocket 120 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,280 and got back on my little Honda shadow 121 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:41,240 and put it home. 122 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,120 And then I put the money back in the bank 123 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,920 and we added to it over the next couple of years 124 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:49,440 and got a house at Amisto and Strathern in Lake Balboa. 125 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:51,600 And that's where we lived. 126 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:52,960 It's where Nancy died. 127 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:56,120 Her ashes are under the ornamental pear tree. 128 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,720 And then 34 months ago, I moved, 129 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,400 sold that house and moved to Tupelo, Mississippi. 130 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,200 And you know, then I jumped over to step two 131 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,400 and step two, I got, I don't know how y'all got here, 132 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:11,240 but I got here insane, absolutely insane. 133 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,960 And you know, a short version, my mom went out the door 134 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,400 when I was five months old and never came back. 135 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,280 And when I was two, dad remarried. 136 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:21,800 When I was three, dad and stepmom wanted to focus 137 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,000 on their career, so they gave me away. 138 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,720 And I hope they gave me to what they thought 139 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,640 was a good family, but they weren't. 140 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,680 And I was three years old and terrified of the dark 141 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:35,280 and they locked me in a pitch black closet for three years. 142 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:39,520 And I slept, toileted, ate, lived, existed in that closet, 143 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:42,600 pulled out once a day to be washed, ritualistically 144 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,120 tortured and raped by three adults. 145 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:49,760 And I lost everything, my sanity, safety, security, 146 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,400 innocence, trust, any sense that I could say no 147 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,520 and have it be heard and respected. 148 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,640 And finally I got pulled out of there 149 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:02,640 and reunited with my parents and periodically re-victimized 150 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:07,240 'cause predators spot prey, and then we moved to LA 151 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:11,320 when I was 15 years old and about 16, something like that. 152 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:14,320 And a year later I found drugs and alcohol 153 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,800 and they saved my life, kept me from suiciding, 154 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:21,360 let me stay on the planet, but made me stupid over time. 155 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,280 And that stupidity led to bad decision-making 156 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,240 as the country song says, I got real good 157 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:28,800 at making bad decisions. 158 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,200 And one of those decisions put me in front of a power 159 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:35,480 greater than myself, his name was Judge William Ritze. 160 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,040 And on my first ever encounter 161 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,640 with the criminal justice system, 162 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:41,800 he sentenced me to double five to life's in the penitentiary. 163 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,440 And man, I didn't wanna go 'cause I had this beautiful wife 164 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:47,320 and, but I didn't have a choice. 165 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,680 I had no fear 'cause it was my first, 166 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,080 I didn't know there was a difference 167 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:52,680 between jail and prison. 168 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:55,960 I knew nothing and it took five hours to learn the difference 169 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,400 and that first night coming up from the chow hall, 170 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,280 I was grabbed by five guys, beaten almost to death. 171 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,040 And gang raped. 172 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,760 And once that happens in the pen, that's who you are. 173 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,320 And that's who I was until I got out. 174 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,960 And when I got out, I was filled with bitterness and rage 175 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:16,360 and blame and cowardice and irresponsibility and shame 176 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,120 and massive PTSD, you know? 177 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:22,480 And I went right back to the lifestyle and I went to school 178 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,800 and got a lot of letters after my name. 179 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:28,960 And that PTSD made me kind of crazy, you know, 180 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:33,800 hyper vigilant and jumpy and absolutely having to control 181 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:38,480 everything to feel safe and control everyone. 182 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:41,920 And I'm so arrogant and I know what's best for me 183 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,560 and for you and for Nancy and my boss and my wife 184 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:47,640 and my neighbor and my landlord and the guy in front of me 185 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:48,480 on the freeway. 186 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,120 And, you know, kind of like George Carlin when he said, 187 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,440 "Isn't it interesting when I drive down the freeway, 188 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:56,600 how anyone driving slower than me is a goddamn idiot 189 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,720 and anybody driving faster is a fucking maniac." 190 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,080 You know, I'm the only one who knows the right speed 191 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,680 to drive on any given day on any given road situation, 192 00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:08,240 you know, 'cause I am the ultimate authority, you know? 193 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,400 And so step two gave me hope that I could be restored 194 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,040 to sanity, but it didn't give me a single tool. 195 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:17,400 And then I step into tradition two and there's the tool. 196 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,360 Jake, there's one ultimate authority and it's not you. 197 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,840 It's a loving God. 198 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:25,120 And maybe if you moved over and made a little bit of room 199 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,240 for that God, that God could come in. 200 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,600 And with that God would come a little sanity 201 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,560 and that's exactly what happened to me. 202 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,200 And then I moved over a little more 203 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:34,960 and a little more God came in. 204 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,840 You know, and the tradition goes on to say, 205 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,200 there's one ultimate authority, it's not Jay, 206 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,800 it's a loving God as he may express himself 207 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,080 in our group conscience. 208 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,960 And so Nancy and I started having group consciences 209 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,920 based on the idea that you see what you look for. 210 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,760 You see what you look for and I would look for a loving God 211 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:54,320 in Nancy and when I looked for it, I saw it. 212 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:57,240 And when I saw it, it changed how I spoke to her 213 00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:00,640 and how I spoke about her and how I engaged her. 214 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:03,480 And now comes the hard part 'cause it's early sobriety 215 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,040 and I hate Jay, but we see what we look for. 216 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,640 And when I looked for a loving God in me, I saw it. 217 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,760 And when I saw it, it changed how I spoke to myself 218 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,720 and how I spoke about myself 219 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,520 and most importantly, how I offered myself. 220 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:19,000 You know, 'cause if I'm saying you stupid ass, 221 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,440 you piece of shit, you loser, 222 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,560 then what do I have to offer Nancy? 223 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:25,360 And what do I have to offer God? 224 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:28,520 And what am I saying about God's handiwork, me, 225 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:31,880 when I'm speaking about myself, let alone somebody else 226 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,080 in that kind of a, in that manner? 227 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:35,800 You know, and then I step over there 228 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,960 and step three is a lot of words. 229 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,680 We make a decision to turn our will and our life, 230 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:43,960 our thinking and our behavior over to the care of God 231 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,160 as we understand God, oh my God. 232 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,600 So I just shorten it for me and I just say, 233 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,760 I'm gonna do God's work, not God's job. 234 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,120 I'm gonna do God's work, not God's job. 235 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,440 And I was a hospice nurse for 35 years in LA 236 00:10:56,440 --> 00:11:00,160 and I've been a grief and loss counselor for 33 years 237 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,720 and I moved here to Mississippi 238 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,880 and I'm not seeing the dying anymore, 239 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,080 but I'm working with the grieving 240 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:10,400 and I'm clinical director of Grief Recovery of Tupelo. 241 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,040 And the third tradition, 242 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,800 I don't know if y'all know the history of AA, 243 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,280 but in the early days, they only wanted, 244 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:21,400 the meetings only wanted pure alcoholics 245 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,440 'cause they were worried that impure alcoholics 246 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,520 might give AA a bad name. 247 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,400 Like the alcoholics couldn't do that well enough. 248 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,960 So they didn't want queers or crackpots 249 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,200 or fallen women or beggars, tramps, thieves, 250 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,400 asylum inmates or prisoners. 251 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,680 The list is on page 140 in the 12 and 12. 252 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,760 And honey, my home group is log cabin 253 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,360 in West Hollywood, California. 254 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,280 And if we got rid of the queers, the crackpots 255 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,760 and the fallen women, the room would be empty. 256 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,880 And then AA kind of wised up and said, 257 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:57,000 "Oh, well, in the fifties, they made these 12 traditions 258 00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,560 "and they got inclusive instead of exclusive, 259 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,760 "they stopped being conditional." 260 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,000 And that third tradition 261 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,600 is about surrendering being conditional. 262 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,640 And that's what I wanna do as a husband. 263 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,840 I wanna be honoring and honorable, 264 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,040 passionate and compassionate, 265 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:16,280 courageous, consistent, curious, playful, 266 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,120 spontaneous, respectful, forgiving. 267 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,800 And a host of other qualities, 268 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:25,080 regardless of how Nancy's behaving on any given day. 269 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:28,240 It's not like I'll be nice as long as you do 270 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,160 what I want when I want in the bedroom. 271 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:33,160 I'll be kind as long as we see the movie I wanna see 272 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,720 or eat at the restaurant I want. 273 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,840 No, the idea is I do that. 274 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,440 I love, I practice loving kindness with Nancy, 275 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:45,080 regardless of how she's feeling or acting on any given day. 276 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:46,760 I'm not conditional. 277 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:49,120 It means I also give up scorekeeping, 278 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,400 remembering every good thing I've ever done 279 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,880 and every bad thing Nancy ever did. 280 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:57,160 And I allow what she gives to be enough, 281 00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:00,960 sexually, emotionally, financially, spiritually. 282 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,920 I allow what she gives to be enough 283 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,440 and it makes it safe for her to risk giving more. 284 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:06,800 And then I jump over there 285 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:10,760 and I walked in the room saying, 286 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,920 I'm the victim here and if you had the childhood I had, 287 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:17,200 you would drink and use the way I do. 288 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:20,720 And it's not my fault and victim, victim, victim. 289 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,240 And there's no point in doing a fourth step 290 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,040 'cause I don't have a part in any of this. 291 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:26,880 It's that. 292 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:30,600 But I finally got willing to do the fourth step 293 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:35,480 to take a courageous action of looking at, 294 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,680 doing a searching and fearless moral inventory 295 00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:40,760 as fact finding. 296 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,840 Searching is fact finding. 297 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,640 Fearless, fact facing. 298 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,280 Inventory of myself and I got in touch with, 299 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:51,720 became aware of, learned that my behavior affects others. 300 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:55,080 And that prepared me to step into the fourth tradition. 301 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,080 The couple's version says that each partner, 302 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,160 each spouse should be autonomous, self-governing, 303 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,400 except in matters affecting the other partner 304 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:05,840 or the couple as a whole. 305 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,760 So we used to live by Plummer Park in WeHo 306 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:12,080 and we went to the Monday night meeting at La Cienega Park. 307 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,720 And when I drove our big white, wide Chevy Blazer, 308 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:19,160 I drove the right way, south on Martel and west on 6th. 309 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,600 Then Nancy would complain the whole way. 310 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,920 Why are we going down these little side streets? 311 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,240 We're gonna get side scraped. 312 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,840 And when Nancy drove, she drove the wrong way. 313 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,920 West on Santa Monica, south on La Cienega 314 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:31,960 and all this traffic. 315 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,800 And I would complain the whole way. 316 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,400 And we'd get to the meeting and we were not in a good state 317 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,240 'cause we'd been arguing the whole way. 318 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,120 And then we said fourth tradition. 319 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:44,880 How about driver decides, passenger doesn't advise, 320 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:49,680 complain, pout, sulk, eye roll or anything else. 321 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,400 And the truth is whether we go the right way, 322 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,400 south and west or the wrong way, west and south, 323 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,080 we're gonna get to the meeting 324 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,120 so it doesn't affect the other person 325 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,440 or the couple as a whole. 326 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:03,680 And we started getting to that meeting so happy. 327 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:06,440 And that was applying the fourth tradition 328 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,200 to a driving situation. 329 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:09,480 And in the fifth tradition, 330 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,720 we're told that we have a primary purpose 331 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,160 and it's to carry the message. 332 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,680 Well, what is the message? 333 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,600 Message is love and tolerance. 334 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,280 And to whom do we carry it? 335 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,840 The alcoholic who suffers. 336 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,000 That's what it says. 337 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,720 It doesn't say the homeless drunk alcoholic 338 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,480 living in the bushes outside log cabin. 339 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,480 It just says the alcoholic who suffers. 340 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,920 So Nancy was an interior plantscaper. 341 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:37,360 She did plants in offices and wealthy people's homes 342 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:38,480 and shopping centers. 343 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,160 And it's nice work. 344 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,240 She's working with living plants, but it's hard physically. 345 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:47,000 And she's on the freeway going from account to account. 346 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,840 And she gets home at the end of the day 347 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,720 and her back is sore and she's bought traffic 348 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,320 and her arms are full and she can't close the door. 349 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,080 So she kicks it shut and I'm like, 350 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:59,320 "Hey, what are you bringing that anger into my house for?" 351 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:01,040 But it's not mine, it's ours. 352 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,960 And it's not a house, it's a home. 353 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,520 And what if it's not anger? 354 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:09,320 What if I can look at it as a manifestation of Nancy's suffering? 355 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,960 Then instantly this tradition tells me 356 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,160 I need to bring love and tolerance, 357 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:16,640 not judgment and criticism. 358 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,160 That I replace the judgment with mercy. 359 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:20,840 And now comes the hard part 360 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:23,840 'cause it's still early sobriety and I hate Jay. 361 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:28,840 And I have a usually dormant incest-related PTSD, 362 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,720 but once in a while it gets awakened. 363 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,840 And when it does, it can come out in some wonky behavior. 364 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,680 And without excusing myself from accountability 365 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:42,000 or responsibility, I have to realize that I'm suffering 366 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,280 and bring that same mercy to me. 367 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,920 Replace the judgment with mercy, it's perfect opposite. 368 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,640 'Cause judgment comes from my head 369 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:50,960 and mercy from the heart. 370 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,400 And judgment wounds and mercy heals 371 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:56,680 and judgment separates and mercy unites. 372 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:59,040 Judgment is touching pain with fear 373 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,160 and mercy is touching that same pain with love. 374 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,400 And then I jumped down to tradition six 375 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,720 that talks about not allowing money, property and prestige 376 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,680 to get in the way of our sobriety, 377 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,440 of our recovery, of our service. 378 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,880 And I'm not about money or property. 379 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,320 I'm a hospice nurse and a grief and loss counselor. 380 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:20,320 But boy, I gotta watch out for that prestige thing, 381 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:23,480 the prestige of being the one in the know when I gossip. 382 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:26,680 Oh my God, did you hear Billy and Sally broke up 383 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,840 and nobody knows, but I know. 384 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:32,320 I'm special and I'm gonna tell you, ew. 385 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:35,320 You know, the prestige of being the martyr 386 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,920 when I work harder on a sponsees recovery than they do. 387 00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:42,920 The prestige of being the biggest victim 388 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,760 'cause I had the worst childhood. 389 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,680 I didn't, I had a horrendous childhood 390 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:50,560 and so did lots of people in these rooms. 391 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:54,080 But when it came, yeah, I got PTSD from that childhood 392 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:57,120 but I also got PTG, post-traumatic growth. 393 00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:59,920 And that's an amazing thing to have happen. 394 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,600 And I suffered profoundly and that suffering 395 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,760 became my vehicle for awakening compassion 396 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,200 in me and for me and for others. 397 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:12,000 And it's what's allowed me to be such a good hospice nurse 398 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,840 that I can be with suffering to simply bear witness 399 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:19,560 with a compassionate presence and not impose my tools 400 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,640 unless and until they're requested. 401 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,840 I know how to be with suffering. 402 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,960 So I wouldn't wish that incest on anyone 403 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:30,760 but man, it gave me some qualities 404 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:33,840 that have been so helpful to me and others. 405 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,080 You know, and then there's the seventh tradition 406 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,560 and it saved my life. 407 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,000 We always think of it as being about the money 408 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,080 and it's not that it's not about the money 409 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,160 but it's about so much more. 410 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:46,560 This is the one that says that we're self-supporting 411 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,440 and I don't know how y'all got here 412 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,640 but I got here shooting myself in the foot 413 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:53,600 again and again and again, bucking up my money 414 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,400 and my marriage and my happiness and my joy 415 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,960 and my spirit and my health. 416 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:02,440 And so we created this filter for the seventh tradition. 417 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,600 And it's so simple is what I'm about to say 418 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,520 or what I'm about to do gonna, 419 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,080 is it self-sabotaging or self-supporting? 420 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,600 And if it's self-sabotaging, I don't do it 421 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:14,280 or I don't say only if it's self-supporting. 422 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:17,880 And I think I forgot to give you the first tradition filter 423 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:19,960 which was simply is what I'm about to say 424 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,000 or what I'm about to do gonna create greater separation 425 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:24,120 or greater unity. 426 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:27,240 And I can practice that with God, with Nancy, 427 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:30,040 on the freeway, at work, in the rooms. 428 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,680 You know, and then the eighth step, 429 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,920 we do that little three column inventory. 430 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:35,760 Who did I harm? 431 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,040 How did I harm them? 432 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,320 What were the defects of character at play? 433 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:43,400 And I become sensitized to the fact that I harm others. 434 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,480 And then we step into the eighth tradition 435 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:51,480 with that knowledge, that sensitization to my harming others 436 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,560 and the eighth tradition's my second favorite. 437 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,800 And it says alcoholics anonymous 438 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,920 should remain forever non-professional, dot, dot, dot. 439 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,440 So what does non-professional have to do 440 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,400 with a marriage, everything. 441 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,280 So we're at that Monday night La Cienega Park meeting 442 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,200 and the meeting ends and Nancy's talking 443 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,760 with this really nice couple. 444 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,240 And she's just chatting with them 445 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,520 and I'm not even part of it. 446 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:15,720 I'm just helping break the meeting down 447 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:18,300 and I overhear Nancy say, 448 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,580 "Oh my God, our favorite Italian restaurant's Benvenuto's 449 00:20:21,580 --> 00:20:23,540 "at La Cienega in Santa Monica." 450 00:20:23,540 --> 00:20:24,400 No, it isn't. 451 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:27,360 It's on the south side of Santa Monica, 452 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,320 just west of La Cienega. 453 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,640 Oh my God. 454 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,800 You know, if they'd been, 455 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,860 if we were gonna meet them there in 10 minutes, 456 00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:37,200 that could have been valuable information. 457 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,820 Shitty delivery, but good information. 458 00:20:39,820 --> 00:20:42,120 But we weren't, we weren't meeting them. 459 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:45,960 Nancy was just chatting and I saw the hurt in her eyes 460 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,740 that I had spoken to her so harshly 461 00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:50,940 and done it in front of other people 462 00:20:50,940 --> 00:20:54,080 and been so desperate to be right 463 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:56,440 that I was willing to make her wrong. 464 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,280 And I don't know if you understand this, 465 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:01,480 but right is the loneliest place I know. 466 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,480 Right is the loneliest place I know. 467 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:08,060 And what was going on was I was acting like the professional 468 00:21:08,060 --> 00:21:09,560 'cause what is a professional? 469 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:13,560 A know-it-all, an expert who's absolutely certain, 470 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:17,560 who's rigid and intolerant and impatient and competitive 471 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,720 and focused on the goal or the win. 472 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,920 And that's not who I wanna be as a husband. 473 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:25,000 I wanna be the amateur who does it for fun and for free. 474 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,120 Who's cooperative, not competitive. 475 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,960 Who's flexible, not rigid. 476 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,720 Who's patient and tolerant and curious. 477 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,480 Honey, tell me more, help me understand dot, dot, dot, 478 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:39,320 as opposed to certain, man, what a difference it made 479 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:41,920 when I let go of being the professional. 480 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,080 And nine is very similar. 481 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:47,200 It talks about, hey, I ought never be organized. 482 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,100 And to me, this is the one that caused me to stop 483 00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:53,320 being manipulative 'cause that's what manipulation is, 484 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,020 is organization. 485 00:21:55,020 --> 00:21:57,840 I'm trying to organize your thoughts, your words, 486 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:01,580 your behavior to further my agenda or endorse my position. 487 00:22:01,580 --> 00:22:04,800 I'm trying to organize your thoughts, your words, 488 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:09,420 your behavior to further my agenda or endorse my position. 489 00:22:09,420 --> 00:22:11,080 And here's the problem with that. 490 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,520 Anything I get through manipulation, 491 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:16,040 whether it's in the bedroom or the boardroom, 492 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:20,000 is gonna be less satisfying than had I earned it 493 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,080 or had it been gifted to me. 494 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:26,260 When I get it by being sneaky and slimy and ew, 495 00:22:26,260 --> 00:22:31,260 and there's absolutely no room for humility or curiosity 496 00:22:31,260 --> 00:22:36,840 or trust or faith when I'm being manipulative. 497 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:41,040 And that's not how I want my marriage to be lived, you know? 498 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,560 I want there to be trust and faith 499 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:46,080 and humility and curiosity. 500 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,440 So I stopped being manipulative. 501 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:52,520 And then I do step 10 is doing the daily inventory, 502 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,320 nightly inventory, you know? 503 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,240 And Dennis F talks about the fact 504 00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:58,660 that we either gonna write inventory 505 00:22:58,660 --> 00:23:00,360 or we're gonna create it. 506 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:03,000 And that either I'm gonna take my inventory 507 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,440 and if I don't, I'm gonna end up taking yours. 508 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,960 And so when I do that daily inventory, 509 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:12,080 it prepares me to step into tradition 10. 510 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:13,840 And tradition 10 is the one that says 511 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,560 we have no opinion on outside issues. 512 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:19,520 Well, it's a little bit funny when you apply it 513 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,760 to a marriage, to a couple, to a relationship, 514 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,640 because it isn't that I don't have. 515 00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,120 It's not that I have no opinion, 516 00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:31,600 but I get real clear that I've got three inside issues. 517 00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:34,080 You may have a different number of inside issues. 518 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,560 I've got three, my relationship with Nancy, 519 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,840 my relationship with recovery, my relationship with God. 520 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:43,160 And those are my only three inside issues. 521 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:45,240 Everything else is an outside issue 522 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:46,840 and I may have an opinion on it, 523 00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:49,400 but it's not a hill I'm gonna die on, you know? 524 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,840 And so Nancy and I can disagree on this issue or that issue 525 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:56,000 and it might be financial, it might be political, 526 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:59,440 it might be intellectual, it might be a movie, 527 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,080 it might be a restaurant, 528 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,500 but it's not a hill I'm gonna die on, you know? 529 00:24:03,500 --> 00:24:06,160 And so the question I ask here is, 530 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:10,080 am I being the peacemaker or am I being the antagonist? 531 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,720 And we just came out of this election season 532 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:16,560 and, you know, we've got the 24-hour news cycle 533 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:18,880 and these talking heads that, you know, 534 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:20,340 and there's this married couple 535 00:24:20,340 --> 00:24:22,040 that are political commentators 536 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:24,640 and they usually appear on television together. 537 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,160 It's Mary Matlin and James Carville 538 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:28,840 and one is a staunch liberal 539 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:30,840 and the other is a staunch conservative 540 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:34,000 and they disagree on every candidate and every issue. 541 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,560 But here's the deal, never once have I seen the two of them 542 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:42,560 be disrespectful to or disagreeable with one another. 543 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:45,360 They focus on the issue or the candidate 544 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:47,520 and that's what this tradition is about. 545 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:51,360 I'm learning how to disagree without being disagreeable. 546 00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:54,560 I don't have to throw down or go fuck you 547 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:57,960 or go out and grab my gun or, you know, 548 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:01,440 it's like, do I wanna be the antagonist or the peacemaker? 549 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:04,080 And then I step into step 11 550 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:06,040 and I do the prayer and meditation 551 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,120 and I do it on a consistent basis 552 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:12,160 and that prepares me to step into tradition 11, 553 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:13,560 which is my favorite. 554 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,320 And it's the one that says our public relations policy 555 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,000 is based on attraction rather than promotion 556 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,000 and you're going, wait a minute, 557 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,520 that has absolutely nothing to do with a marriage 558 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,480 but oh my God, yes, it does. 559 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:30,860 And it's very interesting, I was raised atheist. 560 00:25:30,860 --> 00:25:33,360 My parents drilled into my head, there is no God, 561 00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:35,280 there is no God, don't ever believe in God. 562 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,080 God is the opiate of the masses. 563 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:40,100 It's only used to control people, don't believe in God. 564 00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:42,960 And so I never believed in God, you know, 565 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:45,660 and I've ran around and I said, there is no God, 566 00:25:45,660 --> 00:25:47,120 there is no God, there is no God. 567 00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:50,120 And what's interesting is in spite of saying that 568 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:53,020 I blamed God, the God I did not believe in 569 00:25:53,020 --> 00:25:55,520 for everything bad that ever happened to me. 570 00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:59,440 The incest, the gang rapes in prison, the beatings, 571 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:02,640 the, it was all God's fault but I don't believe in God. 572 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:07,500 And I prayed to that God and the prayers with punctuation 573 00:26:07,500 --> 00:26:11,180 sounded like this, please, comma, God, comma, 574 00:26:11,180 --> 00:26:14,360 don't let that liquor store close before I get there. 575 00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:17,480 Please, comma, God, comma, let the dealer be there 576 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:18,920 and the dope be good. 577 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:22,160 Please, comma, God, comma, don't let those police 578 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,960 be pulling me over but I don't believe in God 579 00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:27,840 but I'm blaming God and I'm praying to God. 580 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,480 And if you ask me, why don't you believe in God, Jay? 581 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,400 And I'd say, I'm a scientist 582 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,380 because I wanted to be a veterinarian. 583 00:26:34,380 --> 00:26:38,160 So I got a bachelor's degree in biochemistry and biology. 584 00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:40,560 Holy crap, I've had a lot of science. 585 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,560 I've had eight semesters of chemistry 586 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:46,440 and all the math that you take to go with that 587 00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:48,400 and four semesters of physics. 588 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,940 And I've had anatomy and physiology and embryology 589 00:26:51,940 --> 00:26:55,420 and histology and immunology and microbiology, 590 00:26:55,420 --> 00:26:59,200 all of the ologies, I've had a lot of science classes 591 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:03,740 but I'm not a scientist, a scientist is curious, 592 00:27:03,740 --> 00:27:07,240 open-minded, explorative, inquisitive 593 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:08,760 and I was none of those things. 594 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,000 I was just rigid, closed-minded 595 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,600 and parroting what my parents told me. 596 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:16,640 And here's what happened, Nancy and I never had children 597 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,320 'cause we didn't like them, so we didn't have them. 598 00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:22,040 You know, there are people who don't like them 599 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:25,120 and they go ahead and have them, I don't understand. 600 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:27,440 We didn't like them, we didn't have them. 601 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:31,000 And when I got sober, right as I was getting sober, 602 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:32,360 you know what I was doing? 603 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:35,400 I was associate director of medical research 604 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:38,200 at a children's hospital in Los Angeles. 605 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:41,640 That's alcoholism, I don't like children 606 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:44,480 and I'm working at a children's hospital and I'm armed. 607 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:47,320 I've got two guns on cock and lock, I'm thinking like, 608 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:49,920 you turn you back on a five-year-old with leukemia, 609 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:52,880 you don't know what that kid might do, I need a gun. 610 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,440 I mean, I was out of my mind, I don't know 611 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:59,400 how they didn't know, fire me, have me arrested. 612 00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,880 And I hated my job and I disliked the population 613 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,740 I was serving, but I kept the job because I had 614 00:28:05,740 --> 00:28:08,640 a business card that said associate director 615 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,220 of medical research at this children's hospital. 616 00:28:11,220 --> 00:28:13,200 And I thought that would impress you, you know. 617 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:16,480 So December 2nd, 1988, I got sober 618 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,560 and it was at a CA meeting, Cocaine Anonymous. 619 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,500 And at the end of that meeting, they said, 620 00:28:21,500 --> 00:28:23,800 "Honey, you are really sick." 621 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,240 And I said, "Thank you." 622 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:26,960 They said, "No, it wasn't a compliment. 623 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:29,020 "It was an observation, you're really sick. 624 00:28:29,020 --> 00:28:31,360 "You'd probably benefit from morning meetings. 625 00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:35,820 "Go to log cabin, it's Melrose and Robertson, it's AA, 626 00:28:35,820 --> 00:28:37,280 "but you can talk about drugs, 627 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:39,440 "7.30 a.m., Monday through Friday." 628 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:42,880 And on my third day sober, December 5th, 1988, 629 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:45,380 I walked into log cabin for the first time 630 00:28:45,380 --> 00:28:47,840 and I never left, it's still my home group. 631 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:51,280 I do log cabin Zoom every morning, Monday through Friday. 632 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:54,080 7.30 a.m., they're about 105 of us, 633 00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:55,920 110 of us every morning. 634 00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:59,540 And here's what happened, you know, we can spot a newcomer. 635 00:28:59,540 --> 00:29:01,920 And I came to that meeting and there was a gay boy 636 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:04,480 in a pink shirt standing at the top of the steps 637 00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:06,260 and he took one look at me and he said, 638 00:29:06,260 --> 00:29:08,940 "Hi, honey, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. 639 00:29:08,940 --> 00:29:11,800 "You know, if you leave your fantasies at the door, 640 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:15,180 "all of your dreams can come true in AA 641 00:29:15,180 --> 00:29:16,960 "if you're willing to work for them." 642 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:19,360 I about fell over 'cause I didn't know 643 00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:22,000 there was a difference between fantasies and dreams 644 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,940 and I was living the fantasy that this business card 645 00:29:24,940 --> 00:29:26,960 might impress you and I was wrong. 646 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:28,840 And I was ignoring my dream, 647 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:31,080 which was that I wanted to work with the dying. 648 00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:33,440 And when that meeting ended at 8.30 a.m. 649 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,040 with three days sober, I drove into the hospital 650 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:39,040 and quit my job and drove downtown to County General 651 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:41,760 and got a job as an oncologic cancer nurse. 652 00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:44,600 And I did that for a year and then I got recruited 653 00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:47,360 to the pain management service at County Hospital 654 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:49,680 and did that for one year and then I made the leap 655 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:51,720 to hospice and here's what happened. 656 00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:54,640 The place where life and death meet 657 00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,760 is filled with God, period. 658 00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:59,920 It wasn't a thought, a hypothesis, a question, 659 00:29:59,920 --> 00:30:01,800 a theory, a possibility. 660 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,400 For me, it was an experiential certainty. 661 00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:08,600 On death call after death call after death call, 662 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:10,960 there was God and I just had to figure out 663 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:13,720 how that God could work given my history, 664 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:17,440 my story and lots of iterations but where I got to 665 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,880 was that there's a loving God that designed it, 666 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:23,280 created it, put it in motion and gave us free will. 667 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:25,640 And that God co-journeys with me, 668 00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:30,040 always never leaves my side and co-suffers with me 669 00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:34,440 but does not intervene my God as a non-intervening God. 670 00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:37,040 He watched me being raped at three and four 671 00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:40,080 and five and six years old and wept at my suffering 672 00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:43,720 and then looked at my rapists and wept at their suffering 673 00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:46,560 that they'd moved so far from his grace 674 00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:48,840 but didn't intervene 'cause he made them 675 00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:51,080 with everything they needed for redemption 676 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:54,040 and me with everything I needed for resilience. 677 00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:55,840 And I don't know if they reached for it 678 00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:57,080 but I know that I did. 679 00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:59,840 First through drugs and alcohol and when that didn't work, 680 00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:02,320 then through the powerful fellowship 681 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:05,880 and the transformative 12 steps and 12 traditions 682 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,240 of my beloved AA repair shop. 683 00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:11,080 And it gave me resilience, you know. 684 00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:14,480 Today I'm whole, W-H-O-L-E, nothing missing, 685 00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:18,000 nothing broken, sexually, emotionally, spiritually, 686 00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:21,200 physically I am whole and my AA repair shop, 687 00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:23,840 I used to think that was a cute thing to say, you know, 688 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:27,000 but AA obviously alcoholics and honest 689 00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:30,800 but repair, RE means again and pair, 690 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:33,520 E-A-I-R means to bond or connect 691 00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:37,120 and AA reconnected me to a loving God, 692 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:39,080 to a purpose for living, 693 00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:41,920 to live fully, love deeply, serve others 694 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:44,000 and with a set of tools and principles 695 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:46,240 by which I can live that purpose. 696 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:49,520 And today my prayer is exactly the same, 697 00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:52,160 the punctuation changed where it used to be, 698 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,840 please come, I see the time's just almost up, 699 00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:56,720 please, comma, God, comma, 700 00:31:56,720 --> 00:31:58,640 don't let that liquor store close, 701 00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:00,920 today my prayer is please God. 702 00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:03,480 And that's the 11th tradition filter. 703 00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:05,920 As my loving God stands at my side, 704 00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:08,600 would that God find what I'm about to say 705 00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:11,320 or what I'm about to do to be attractive? 706 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:15,120 If I don't believe a loving God would find my behavior 707 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:16,920 or my words attractive, 708 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:18,960 then I don't say them or I don't do them. 709 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:19,960 And I'm out of time, 710 00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:23,520 so I'm not gonna do the 12th tradition, 711 00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:27,600 but I'm gonna put a flyer in the chat for you, 712 00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:29,880 oh, I can't, it doesn't let me access 713 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:31,440 my computer from the chat, 714 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:33,480 but I'll put my phone number in there, 715 00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:35,240 if anybody's interested, text me, 716 00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:38,520 I'm doing a two hour workshop next Saturday, 717 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:40,840 10 a.m. Los Angeles time 718 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,640 on applying the traditions to relationships. 719 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:45,720 And I'd love for you to come, 720 00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:47,880 it's free, it's open, it's on Zoom, 721 00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:50,560 you can bring non-alcoholic partners. 722 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:52,920 And thank you so much for having me, 723 00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:54,960 it's so nice to be in LA tonight, 724 00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:58,120 and I'm Jay Westbrook, I'm an alcoholic, thanks. 725 00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:01,600 Okay, the alcoholic life is a lonely life, 726 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:05,400 the life of a deaf person is one of isolation, 727 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:09,040 deaf alcoholics have a real, real hard time. 728 00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:11,680 Log cabin Zoom meeting Monday through Friday, 729 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:15,800 7.30 a.m. now has an ASL interpreter 730 00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:17,320 for all five of those meetings. 731 00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:19,440 So if you know any deaf people, 732 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:22,680 send them to log cabin 7.30 a.m. Zoom, 733 00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:24,240 Monday through Friday, 734 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:29,040 and they'll be able to be a part of the deaf community 735 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:31,120 that attends that meeting, thanks.