1
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 Hi, my name is Tammy, and I'm an alcoholic.

2
00:00:04,100 --> 00:00:05,980
 Thank you, Nate, for asking me.

3
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 He asked me back in December and I don't know, I don't know if I was rude or I was like,

4
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 I'm just so busy.

5
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 I'm too busy.

6
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 Maybe Jan.

7
00:00:14,420 --> 00:00:15,420
 No, not January.

8
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 I don't know, Nate.

9
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 And then I ran into him several times and he just would look at me and I felt horrible

10
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 and it was bugging me and it was rubbing me the wrong way.

11
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 So I reached out to him on Monday, I think it was, and I was like, okay, I have some

12
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 time now.

13
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 And then Saturday, I'm like, oh, oh, this Saturday?

14
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 The next one?

15
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 Yeah.

16
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 I'm super grateful to be here.

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 I have a sobriety date at 7-11-07 and I have a sponsor, I have a home group and I am grateful

18
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 for Alcoholics Anonymous and the life that it's given me today.

19
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 Everything good I have, I know is due to Alcoholics Anonymous and everything bad is by my own

20
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 making and by the actions that I take, you know, when I do things my way, I seem to get

21
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 into trouble or have some uncomfortable, you know, feelings that go along with that.

22
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 And I, you know, I, I'm not comfortable feeling that way anymore.

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 And I think that when I got here, well, actually, I'm pretty sure when I got here, you know,

24
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 being uncomfortable was comfortable for me and being miserable, that was my natural state,

25
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 being uncomfortable.

26
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 I, you know, I knew I was an alcoholic.

27
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 I think like, I can't remember not knowing I was an alcoholic, like even as a young child,

28
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 there's alcoholism in my family.

29
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 Generation after generation, I didn't grow up in an alcoholic household though.

30
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 My mom isn't an alcoholic and my dad is an alcoholic, but he didn't live with us.

31
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 And so my mom, you know, would drink one glass of wine and I've never seen my mom drunk in

32
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 my entire life.

33
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 You know, she was 19 when she had me, 17 when she had my brother.

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 So we kind of grew up together.

35
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 But I knew I was so uncomfortable at such a young age, like I was uncomfortable in my

36
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 own skin.

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 I felt like I just didn't want to be me.

38
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 I didn't want to wake up tomorrow and be me again.

39
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 And every day I'd be disappointed that I was me.

40
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 You know, I feel like I fit in everywhere, but I wasn't comfortable everywhere.

41
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 I was like, I would hop from friends, you know, I had so many friends and I was always

42
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 really busy, but I was so uncomfortable.

43
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 I hated who I was.

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 I felt like I was this Amazon.

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 My mom was 4'11, you know, I had big, huge knees.

46
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 I, you know, I, I towered over my mom at five years old.

47
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 I mean, seriously, I haven't been able to wear my mom's shoes since elementary school,

48
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 maybe even before that.

49
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 And my mom being so tiny and me being tall, considering how short she was, I felt like

50
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 I was an Amazon, you know, which as, as a girl, I think it causes even more mental issues,

51
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 you know, with weight and how big you are and, and just that constant, you know, feeling

52
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 less than, and not feeling good about who I was.

53
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 And, you know, my mom was just this cute petite little thing and, and, and now I'm shrinking

54
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 and I, I don't, you know, today I wish I was taller, you know, but at that time, you know,

55
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 I just, I just was so uncomfortable, but I think it was just, I think I needed a drink

56
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 in elementary school, you know, I think that I needed to check out and, and once I finally

57
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 did take that drink, it, it did everything I wanted it to do, you know, numb those feelings

58
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 that I didn't want to feel.

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 And it made me not so tall and not so fat or, or it, you know, just everything that

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 I was so uncomfortable, like everything about me made me uncomfortable.

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 I felt like I was not smart enough.

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 I, you know, I, I wasn't motivated.

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 I had zero goals.

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 Like I had no, I hated school.

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 I hated, I hated any activities.

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 I liked brownies, but I never finished.

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 I liked the girl Scouts.

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 I never finished.

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 Like, you know, I would try all these things, but it just wasn't for me, you know, cause

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 I couldn't be one place for very long and I'd have to go to the next thing.

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 And, um, you know, I, that was pretty much how I, how I lived like my entire childhood,

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 you know, with some, um, really uncomfortable and bad things happened.

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 And, and, and that kind of put me on a path of, of wealth, F everybody and everything

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 else.

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 And, um, I just didn't care anymore about consequences.

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 I no longer cared if my mom was upset with me, I would run away and, you know, I wasn't

77
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 out of control child.

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 And, um, I ended up getting put into a Northridge psychiatric hospital where I graduated from

79
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 high school.

80
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 And, um, you know, that was, I never moved back home after that point, I left that, that

81
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 mental hospital and never lived at home again.

82
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 But I, what I did was I, you know, I picked up a couple of drunk drivings right after

83
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 that.

84
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 Um, alcoholism wasn't my problem.

85
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 It was just that the wrong place at the wrong time.

86
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 I got pregnant.

87
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 Um, I thought having a baby would, would help me cause I would have that unconditional love

88
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 that I, cause I thought my mom didn't love me.

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 I thought my, you know, I just like that all those things that come in, you know, that

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 we feel as a child, like nobody loves me, nobody likes me.

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 You know, I hate my life.

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 I hate who I am.

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 And I thought it, you know, Oh, a baby will love me cause I knew I loved my mom unconditionally.

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 Like I knew how I felt about her.

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 And so I thought I needed to have one of those and, um, I, you know, I didn't really realize

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 what went along with that.

97
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 Um, but so I had one of those and I had one of those with somebody that I didn't like,

98
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 you know, and I didn't want to be with them, but I thought, okay, he had a job.

99
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 And so for me, that was like a really good, um, point because I didn't have a job.

100
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 Um, I had never had a job except at Chuck E Cheese for a very short time, um, when I

101
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 was 16.

102
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 And so I married him and I was miserable, you know, I didn't love him.

103
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 I shouldn't have married him.

104
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 I had this son and then I thought, well, I want two kids and so I better, I don't want

105
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 two daddies.

106
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 I just want two kids.

107
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 So I had the second kid with him and, um, and what happened was is I, I just started

108
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 drinking myself like to death and, and started using other things.

109
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 You know, drugs are a huge, you know, huge part of my story because you know, alcohol

110
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 stopped working very young.

111
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 You know, I was in my early twenties after I had both my kids and that alcohol, it just

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 wasn't working or I was a fault, you know, as a blackout drunk and I couldn't, I'm trying

113
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 to be a PTA mom and being that drunk wasn't working out very well.

114
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 And, um, and so I just really, um, needed to do other things and, and, and I did, I

115
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 was a, um, you know, I think from the moment my second son was born, I wasn't sober a day

116
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 ever.

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 Like I, I can't tell you I had a sober day and it, you know, this is a progressive illness

118
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 and it progressed and it progressed and I, um, you know, I could not live without drugs

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 and alcohol.

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 I couldn't be a mom anymore.

121
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 I could not stand him anymore.

122
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 And um, and so I left and I left those boys because I just couldn't do it.

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 You know, I, I didn't have any tools to be a mom.

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 I, I could clean a house, you know, it was really good.

125
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 Good at cleaning.

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 And I remember one time we were going to therapy and my ex husband, you know, she, he, she

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 asked the therapist asked him, you know, what do you love about Tammy?

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 And he sat there and he sat there and I'm sitting there and she's looking at me and

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 I'm looking, he's like, she can keep a clean house.

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 And that was it.

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 That was the end of it.

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 And I was like, Oh my God, like this, I gotta go.

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 You know, this is, and I couldn't stand him, so I didn't love him at all, but that was

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 just like, it just, it wasn't good.

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 And um, so I ended up leaving the house, you know, and the job that he had because, um,

136
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 I was not self-supporting, I'd never been self-supporting, I didn't know how to get

137
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 a job.

138
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 I barely graduated from high school.

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 Like I said, it was my psych hospital, so, um, that wasn't too grand.

140
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 Um, but what happened was, is I, I left the kids and I, I started, um, picking up felonies.

141
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 You know, I got five felonies within one year and I started doing things that I never thought

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 I would do.

143
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 Um, and it became apparent that there was some serious issues because after one arrest

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 and then another arrest that I, the, you know, what drugs and alcohol did for me was it removed

145
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 any feelings I had.

146
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 And when that stopped working, I had no options.

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 You know, I didn't have, um, I just remember my mom called me and, um, was telling me how

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 horrible I was and, and like the guilt and, and all those things that was just like killing

149
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 me and killing me and killing me, but the drugs and the alcohol weren't taking that

150
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 away anymore.

151
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 You know, and what do you do when that happens when that's the only thing that I know takes

152
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 away those feelings is drugs and alcohol.

153
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 And when that stops working, you're in a really crappy place.

154
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 And um, and they did stop working.

155
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 Um, and you know, I didn't, uh, get sober by choice.

156
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 I, um, was on probation in violation of probation, two counties, and I got arrested again.

157
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 I, um, was, was at a motel on an el Cortez motel on Sepulveda and it got raided.

158
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 And I had just gotten out of jail 36 hours before and from Ventura County.

159
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 And so the guy that I was with, um, you know, I thought he was my boyfriend, I guess that's

160
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 what you call him, right?

161
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 Or your boyfriend.

162
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 Um, but, uh, I had been in jail for six months or more right before I got out for 36 hours.

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 And when they arrested us, they had all these videos of all these crimes and they were saying

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 that it was me because it was some blonde girl, it wasn't me, but it was him and some

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 blonde girl.

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 And, um, so it took them some time to realize that I was in custody somewhere else.

167
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 So I wasn't in trouble for these other things, you know, so it wasn't me.

168
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 So they released me and, um, they didn't, um, yeah, they released me.

169
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 And what happened was is I had heard about a rehab, they released me, but I was in violation

170
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 of probation.

171
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 So I knew that I was going to have to go back to jail.

172
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 And when I got released kind of in error, I, um, I didn't have anywhere to go.

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 I had a jumpsuit from Van Nuys jail, like there's like those paper jumpsuits.

174
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 I had no, I had nothing.

175
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 I lost everything because the time before I had gotten arrested and my car had gotten

176
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 seized at the border when I was trying to bring over Jose, which, um, didn't go well

177
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 either.

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 Um, and, um, you know, that just added to my, my record.

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 And, um, so I didn't have anything left, you know, I, I had nowhere to go.

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 I had no one to call all, I burned all my bridges, um, and I had heard about Acton.

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 And um, and so I just, actually I heard about, what I heard about Acton was that if you go

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 to treatment, the cops can't come and get you.

183
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 Cause I knew I would had a warrant out for me.

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 And so if I go to Acton, I could just get a break, you know, I just want to break.

185
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 And um, I went to Acton and I, um, my first day there I had, I had a abscess.

186
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:10,700
 It was like I was, I was, yeah, I was disgusting.

187
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 I was not well and I needed to have some medical treatment, but they had drained an abscess

188
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 from slamming dope, whatever it was disgusting.

189
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 And I kind of lied about my way to get in there cause you can't have any, you know,

190
00:10:22,140 --> 00:10:25,300
 anything wrong with you when you go and beyond any antibiotics.

191
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 And so I, um, I just needed to get there.

192
00:10:27,540 --> 00:10:29,660
 Like that's all I wanted was to get there.

193
00:10:29,660 --> 00:10:35,180
 And um, and when I got there, I, um, I had this little counselor, she was really short.

194
00:10:35,180 --> 00:10:39,060
 She kind of, she invited me and my mom, um, her name was Deborah and she was this Hispanic

195
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 lady.

196
00:10:40,060 --> 00:10:45,660
 And when she told her story, it was my story and she had at the time eight years, um, sober.

197
00:10:45,660 --> 00:10:49,620
 And I just was, first of all, I was amazed and I didn't really understand it.

198
00:10:49,620 --> 00:10:54,540
 But um, what she said to me was that you are only responsible for that first drink.

199
00:10:54,540 --> 00:10:59,140
 And for some reason that that resonated with me, it stayed with me cause I, I was so confused

200
00:10:59,140 --> 00:11:01,220
 about how that first drink gets you drunk.

201
00:11:01,220 --> 00:11:04,500
 You know, just don't take that first drink because I can not take that first drink.

202
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:05,500
 Like that seems easy.

203
00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:09,380
 Like I just don't, you know, it's those other ones that I can't not take.

204
00:11:09,380 --> 00:11:14,120
 Um, so just don't take that one in that I, um, I don't ever have to live the way I was

205
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:15,420
 living before.

206
00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:16,740
 And I don't know what that looks like.

207
00:11:16,740 --> 00:11:18,020
 I don't know what that means.

208
00:11:18,020 --> 00:11:22,500
 You know, I, um, I've lived that way for so many years that I don't know what a life of

209
00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:23,500
 sobriety looks like.

210
00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:26,460
 I don't know what, I don't even know what to do, you know?

211
00:11:26,460 --> 00:11:32,220
 And um, so I stayed in Acton and um, some, you know, some panels would come in and I

212
00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:33,220
 would do NA.

213
00:11:33,220 --> 00:11:36,820
 So I thought I belonged in NA and then I would go to AA.

214
00:11:36,820 --> 00:11:42,060
 Um, and then when I got out of Acton, I had to turn myself into jail and um, I was in

215
00:11:42,060 --> 00:11:43,060
 jail for a bit.

216
00:11:43,060 --> 00:11:47,660
 And then when I got out of jail, I was on probation for five years and had this drug

217
00:11:47,660 --> 00:11:49,180
 program I had to do.

218
00:11:49,180 --> 00:11:54,220
 And um, I was going to this drug thing every day for five, you know, five days a week,

219
00:11:54,220 --> 00:11:55,220
 all day long.

220
00:11:55,220 --> 00:11:58,940
 I guess it's kind of like outpatient in a sense, but it was not at a treatment that

221
00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:01,220
 was called Matrix at the time.

222
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:04,580
 And I would go there every day and you're supposed to be going to AA meetings and get

223
00:12:04,580 --> 00:12:05,640
 your court card signed.

224
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:09,500
 And I was signing my court card because I tried to, I did try to several times I'd go

225
00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:14,500
 to a meeting and all you guys were outside or laughing and talking and just look normal.

226
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,220
 And I was like, I can't do that.

227
00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:17,540
 Like I can't do this.

228
00:12:17,540 --> 00:12:18,540
 Yeah.

229
00:12:18,540 --> 00:12:22,220
 I was so petrified of just you guys and how are you happy and how are you laughing and

230
00:12:22,220 --> 00:12:24,300
 how are you just, you look normal.

231
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:29,260
 Um, and so I would sign my court card and um, and then I finished that drug program

232
00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:34,420
 and you know, I wanted, I had this one lady that was going to Life's In Session at the

233
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:39,340
 time who, um, was obnoxiously calling me to go to a meeting and she was like, you know,

234
00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:40,720
 AA people are amazing.

235
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:44,700
 They keep calling you and they keep calling and I would decline her call and decline the

236
00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:48,980
 call and I wasn't in a very good place and I don't think I wanted to stay sober any longer.

237
00:12:48,980 --> 00:12:53,580
 And I think that that was my first time that God was like more obvious in my life or power

238
00:12:53,580 --> 00:12:57,540
 greater than myself because I accidentally answered that phone call and I didn't hang

239
00:12:57,540 --> 00:12:59,220
 up on her, which was shocking.

240
00:12:59,220 --> 00:13:03,640
 And um, I kind of told her the truth about what was going on and she said, go to a meeting

241
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:04,640
 right now.

242
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:05,640
 Where are you?

243
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:10,020
 I was on White Oak and um, Sherman Wake cause that's where my, my drug dealer was living.

244
00:13:10,020 --> 00:13:12,820
 Um, and uh, and I listened to her for some reason.

245
00:13:12,820 --> 00:13:15,220
 I, I, I, I'm like, okay.

246
00:13:15,220 --> 00:13:17,980
 And she's like, well, I'm not there though, but my husband is, I'm like, well, I don't

247
00:13:17,980 --> 00:13:20,780
 know who your husband is, but I walked into that meeting.

248
00:13:20,780 --> 00:13:24,900
 I was a little bit late and um, it was the Friday night meeting at Life's In Session

249
00:13:24,900 --> 00:13:32,580
 and I just, I remember Von Ciel was a secretary and, and, and yeah, and the speaker was Reverend

250
00:13:32,580 --> 00:13:36,460
 somebody and it was like, I think you, you know who I'm talking about?

251
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:37,460
 Do you remember Reverend?

252
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:41,980
 And he was loud and animated and walking up and down the aisle and I was like, like starstruck

253
00:13:41,980 --> 00:13:42,980
 kind of.

254
00:13:42,980 --> 00:13:49,260
 Um, and I was like, I just listened and um, and then I sat behind a row of bald guys that

255
00:13:49,260 --> 00:13:54,820
 had bald heads and converse and flannels and I couldn't see their faces, but I thought,

256
00:13:54,820 --> 00:14:00,580
 I think I'm going to come back to this meeting cause I don't, you know, um, and um, and I

257
00:14:00,580 --> 00:14:01,580
 went back the next night.

258
00:14:01,580 --> 00:14:03,300
 I found out there's a meeting there every single night.

259
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:05,820
 So I went back, you know, I thought, Oh my God, okay, I will do this.

260
00:14:05,820 --> 00:14:07,200
 I will come back the next night.

261
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:11,540
 And I went back the next night and um, and I ended up getting a sponsor at Life's In

262
00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:16,140
 Session and I am so incredibly grateful for Life's In Session and for the foundation that

263
00:14:16,140 --> 00:14:20,620
 you guys have here that we had at Life's In Session because if it wasn't for that, I don't

264
00:14:20,620 --> 00:14:22,100
 believe I'd be sober today.

265
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:28,820
 Um, Tom was there when I went there and for Tom and DF and like I am forever grateful

266
00:14:28,820 --> 00:14:34,460
 because they have been, you guys have been examples of Alcoholics Anonymous that saved

267
00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:35,460
 my life.

268
00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:39,180
 You know, the structure that the commitments at every single meeting and I got a sponsor,

269
00:14:39,180 --> 00:14:42,880
 you know, you got to do the watches, you got to do the picnics, like that stuff kept me

270
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:47,220
 so busy in my early sobriety that I didn't have time to think, you know, I didn't have

271
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:51,300
 time to figure out what am I, how am I going to solve all my problems today because I had

272
00:14:51,300 --> 00:14:55,260
 a sponsor that I called every single day no matter what and she would tell me what to

273
00:14:55,260 --> 00:14:56,260
 do.

274
00:14:56,260 --> 00:14:58,060
 You know, I, I didn't know how to get a job.

275
00:14:58,060 --> 00:14:59,220
 I didn't know how to be a mom.

276
00:14:59,220 --> 00:15:03,340
 I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to do anything and because of Life's In Session

277
00:15:03,340 --> 00:15:07,780
 and because of the foundation, every, I learned how to do those things because of the women

278
00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:12,560
 in Alcoholics Anonymous and the men, you know, I, I got here with five felonies, never having

279
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:17,060
 a job and lost, you know, having to get my kids back, trying to get a place to live,

280
00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:22,100
 you know, all these things in that stack looked so huge and I was so afraid of like nothing's

281
00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:23,100
 ever going to happen.

282
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:27,100
 How's it ever going to happen and how am I supposed to just give it to God and you know,

283
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:30,340
 I had a God, I got a God box, you know, as somebody gave me one, I was like, what am

284
00:15:30,340 --> 00:15:32,020
 I, what's going to, how's that going to work?

285
00:15:32,020 --> 00:15:34,380
 You know, if it goes in the God box, who's going to fix it?

286
00:15:34,380 --> 00:15:38,900
 You know, like I didn't understand any of the things and I think that that is also a

287
00:15:38,900 --> 00:15:43,240
 gift when you get to Alcoholics Anonymous to have no knowledge of Alcoholics Anonymous.

288
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,840
 I don't know anything, you know everything and I'm ready to listen to what other people

289
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:47,840
 have to tell me.

290
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:53,060
 Um, I had no opinions on Alcoholics Anonymous and I had no idea how any of it worked, how

291
00:15:53,060 --> 00:15:57,380
 any of these steps worked, how the stupid saying, keep coming back or, you know, I just

292
00:15:57,380 --> 00:16:00,220
 all, like I never, it was like mind blowing to me.

293
00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:04,380
 Like I, Nancy and I were talking before the meeting and, and just like when she realized

294
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:08,420
 like between the tradition, you know, the steps and the traditions, like it was mind

295
00:16:08,420 --> 00:16:09,420
 blowing.

296
00:16:09,420 --> 00:16:12,580
 Like when you kind of like crack the case and you kind of get what they mean, it's like,

297
00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:13,580
 Oh my God.

298
00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:16,140
 And years later, and I'm not a quick learner too.

299
00:16:16,140 --> 00:16:20,500
 So it took me a long time to figure out how these things apply in my life today.

300
00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:27,020
 And um, you know, I, I love Alcoholics Anonymous and the life that I have is everything because

301
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:28,020
 of it.

302
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:32,140
 And I have been, um, in the middle of AA and I've been on the outside of AA and when you're

303
00:16:32,140 --> 00:16:35,940
 on the outside of AA, it's not very comfortable and it can be scary.

304
00:16:35,940 --> 00:16:40,780
 And I, um, you know, was going to Life's in Session for many years in my early sobriety

305
00:16:40,780 --> 00:16:43,660
 and, um, and then it, it was no longer existing.

306
00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:48,180
 And so I was, I felt like an orphan when Life's in Session left and where do you go?

307
00:16:48,180 --> 00:16:53,340
 And um, I ended up here because of Tom Lugo, um, he kept coming to the Saturday night meeting

308
00:16:53,340 --> 00:16:56,420
 and I thought I would never feel the way I did.

309
00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:57,420
 You know what?

310
00:16:57,420 --> 00:17:02,820
 I've never had friends again and, and I just, Alcoholics Anonymous is, is everywhere, you

311
00:17:02,820 --> 00:17:06,620
 know, and if you keep going and you keep going back and you keep going to different meetings

312
00:17:06,620 --> 00:17:09,620
 or whatever, you find your fit, you find your people too.

313
00:17:09,620 --> 00:17:13,880
 You know, I am so grateful that I have the people that I have in my life.

314
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:18,860
 You know, the friends and the meetings and, um, doing the convention with my friends.

315
00:17:18,860 --> 00:17:23,100
 And, um, you know, I have been the treasury for the convention.

316
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:29,940
 Well, I'm not anymore after, after four years, you know, um, at doing that, it was, um, it's,

317
00:17:29,940 --> 00:17:34,040
 it's, it also opened my eyes to other people because when you go to the same meetings over

318
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:37,620
 and over again, you know, you see the same people over and over again, which I did for

319
00:17:37,620 --> 00:17:38,620
 so many years.

320
00:17:38,620 --> 00:17:39,980
 So that was what I was comfortable doing.

321
00:17:39,980 --> 00:17:44,700
 But me, you know, me going outside of my comfort zone and meeting people in a different situation

322
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:48,420
 still with AA though, it was, um, I liked it a lot.

323
00:17:48,420 --> 00:17:52,780
 I think that it is, um, I'm still, you know, I still am uncomfortable and afraid when you

324
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:57,180
 meet new people, you know, I'm not the, um, I don't know, I hide behind my friends and

325
00:17:57,180 --> 00:17:58,180
 they're out there.

326
00:17:58,180 --> 00:18:03,040
 But, um, you know, when I, um, finished my steps and I, and I started like applying the

327
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:07,460
 steps in my life, I was able to, you know, I, I knew my life was like manageable and

328
00:18:07,460 --> 00:18:11,240
 I just didn't understand how you fix those things, you know, and having a sponsor to

329
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:12,720
 walk you through all those things.

330
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:17,500
 I was able to, you know, get a job, get off probation, go to college, get married, get

331
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:21,660
 my kids back and have a relationship with those kids and make those amends that everything

332
00:18:21,660 --> 00:18:23,500
 was like such a tall order.

333
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:24,500
 I was petrified.

334
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,160
 Like, how do you do these things?

335
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,060
 And I always also had issues with God.

336
00:18:29,060 --> 00:18:34,020
 Like I didn't, I, you know, I'm, I'm very factual and I wanted proof and I wanted, like,

337
00:18:34,020 --> 00:18:37,700
 you know, evidence like show me and that's just not how it works.

338
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:40,380
 You know, I know today that there is a power greater than myself.

339
00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:44,660
 I'm not sure exactly what that looks like, but I know that I'm not in charge and I know

340
00:18:44,660 --> 00:18:49,540
 that when I, um, do the work, um, I don't know what the results will always be and they

341
00:18:49,540 --> 00:18:54,180
 might not be what I think that they should be, but time again and time and time and time

342
00:18:54,180 --> 00:18:58,120
 again it happens and it's better than I ever would have imagined it could have been.

343
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:02,820
 It's not what I planned it to be, but it always is so much better or it ends up being better.

344
00:19:02,820 --> 00:19:06,980
 It's like one of those things about God's will is, um, the way I like to think about

345
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:11,740
 God's will is like when I am doing Tammy's will, it feels yucky inside.

346
00:19:11,740 --> 00:19:14,260
 Like something doesn't feel right inside.

347
00:19:14,260 --> 00:19:18,820
 And when I'm doing God's will, it's not instant gratification, but the longterm effects is

348
00:19:18,820 --> 00:19:22,260
 always going to be positive rather than my yucky feeling.

349
00:19:22,260 --> 00:19:23,380
 And it's always negative.

350
00:19:23,380 --> 00:19:27,900
 You know, I, um, I had one thing, it's a funny story because I remember when I first moved

351
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:32,900
 into my, uh, a studio apartment and I was paying rent for the very first time in my

352
00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:38,300
 life ever because I never paid a bill and it was like $875 and I had it and I stood

353
00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:41,780
 in front of the office, like literally for like a half an hour because I could take this

354
00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:43,340
 money and go spend it.

355
00:19:43,340 --> 00:19:47,180
 You know, I could just buy shop and whatever it was, you know, 800 something dollars or

356
00:19:47,180 --> 00:19:51,420
 I could put it in this box for my rent and I stood there for the longest time and I was

357
00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:52,420
 really torn.

358
00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:56,180
 I was early in sobriety and I was so torn about it and that was like, Oh God, do I put

359
00:19:56,180 --> 00:20:01,200
 it in, you know, and I dropped it in the box and like that I realized what that meant is

360
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:05,780
 that that's God's will me put it in the box and now I have a place to live for 30 days.

361
00:20:05,780 --> 00:20:08,420
 If I would have kept it, I wouldn't have had a place to live and look at all the damage

362
00:20:08,420 --> 00:20:09,840
 that would have been caused by it.

363
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,220
 And I was like, Oh, okay.

364
00:20:12,220 --> 00:20:16,580
 Like I think I know what that's, what's God's God's will is for us, right?

365
00:20:16,580 --> 00:20:21,540
 You know, I, um, I struggled with all those things so many times and it's like, I know

366
00:20:21,540 --> 00:20:26,780
 that when I make decisions based on what I think it should be or how I feel I need to

367
00:20:26,780 --> 00:20:30,920
 pass, I need to share it with somebody or tell my sponsor before I make that decision

368
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:36,020
 because I'm really quick to, um, take action and then call my sponsor, especially when

369
00:20:36,020 --> 00:20:39,760
 I know if my sponsor is going to say no or if I know ahead of time of what my sponsor

370
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:44,320
 is going to say to me and I still want to do it, I do it and then I'll call her because

371
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:48,700
 I know I'll be, you know, and it's not that I, I sometimes, you know, it's still Tammy's

372
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:52,780
 will, it's like, I still want to do things my way, but I've gotten much better through

373
00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:57,300
 the years, at least calling my sponsor and sharing it with my sponsor.

374
00:20:57,300 --> 00:20:59,820
 And um, you know, those things are really hard for me to do.

375
00:20:59,820 --> 00:21:04,160
 I didn't understand like why, you know, I thought when you get sober, you should, it's

376
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:07,700
 like your powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable, but aren't you supposed

377
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:08,700
 to be independent?

378
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:11,100
 Aren't you supposed to, you know, like know how to do all these things?

379
00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:14,020
 Cause I didn't know how to do any of the things when I got here, I didn't know how to apply

380
00:21:14,020 --> 00:21:16,820
 for a job and go to school or do any of these things.

381
00:21:16,820 --> 00:21:20,460
 And it's because I would call my sponsor and if she didn't know how to do something, she

382
00:21:20,460 --> 00:21:24,040
 would call her sponsor or, you know, there's like this group of people that can help you

383
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,340
 with whatever the situation is.

384
00:21:26,340 --> 00:21:31,580
 And as long as I don't make a decision based on what I just think I am, I'm okay.

385
00:21:31,580 --> 00:21:32,580
 Most of the time.

386
00:21:32,580 --> 00:21:33,580
 95% of the time.

387
00:21:33,580 --> 00:21:36,260
 Um, I don't know how long do I go for.

388
00:21:36,260 --> 00:21:38,380
 Oh, I thought you said it was 20 minutes.

389
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:39,380
 Did you say 40?

390
00:21:39,380 --> 00:21:40,380
 Yeah.

391
00:21:40,380 --> 00:21:41,380
 Oh, I thought you said 25.

392
00:21:41,380 --> 00:21:42,940
 No, that's all right.

393
00:21:42,940 --> 00:21:48,460
 Um, anyways though, but I, um, you know, when I was on probation and having to do all the

394
00:21:48,460 --> 00:21:52,660
 things that, that I had to do, I thought that I was never going to be off of probation because

395
00:21:52,660 --> 00:21:57,020
 I had to drug test on a daily basis or call in to see if I had to drug test.

396
00:21:57,020 --> 00:22:01,440
 And every time I would do that, I thought like every time I would have to go and through

397
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,800
 the act, you know, the act of like testing or doing all these things, I was always in

398
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,500
 constant fear that something like it was just going to be bad.

399
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:11,900
 And every time I had obviously a clean test, but I thought that that was why I was staying

400
00:22:11,900 --> 00:22:16,220
 sober for the first five years is because of being in fear of my five year joint suspension.

401
00:22:16,220 --> 00:22:21,020
 And, um, and I don't know if that was the reason at the beginning, but I thought that

402
00:22:21,020 --> 00:22:26,780
 I was so afraid for so long that that was why that once I turned five years, I think

403
00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:32,000
 I became more active in alcoholics anonymous even more than I was like even before because

404
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,180
 I was so busy with school at that time too.

405
00:22:34,180 --> 00:22:39,240
 I um, I think that what keeps us here in the very beginning, it doesn't matter what the

406
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:42,220
 motives are or why we're here as long as you start doing the work.

407
00:22:42,220 --> 00:22:46,860
 When we get here, I feel that my motives have changed drastically through the years.

408
00:22:46,860 --> 00:22:50,180
 You know, it's like when I first got here, I first came to that meeting at life's in

409
00:22:50,180 --> 00:22:51,180
 session.

410
00:22:51,180 --> 00:22:53,860
 I went back the next night because of the bald guy in the, you know, in front of me

411
00:22:53,860 --> 00:22:58,160
 and um, and I kept coming back whether, you know, and maybe my motives weren't good cause

412
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,180
 I didn't have good motives in the beginning.

413
00:23:00,180 --> 00:23:02,480
 Um, but today I come here for my sobriety.

414
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:06,100
 I come here for the right reasons and I come here because it saves my life every single

415
00:23:06,100 --> 00:23:11,340
 time that I show up to a meeting of alcoholics anonymous and I participate in my sobriety.

416
00:23:11,340 --> 00:23:15,760
 I know that I have a good chance at being sober tomorrow tonight.

417
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:17,200
 Pretty sure I'm not going to drink tonight.

418
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:22,820
 So that gives me another, you know, day in my book, but I, um, I wouldn't trade any thing

419
00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:23,820
 in my life.

420
00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:27,380
 My kids are both in my life today, which was, it was a lot of work.

421
00:23:27,380 --> 00:23:31,980
 You know, I had a lot of making up time and, and you know, amends to make and I made those

422
00:23:31,980 --> 00:23:33,620
 amends and those are living amends.

423
00:23:33,620 --> 00:23:37,740
 And today I get to be an example for my kids and, um, and we have a sober house.

424
00:23:37,740 --> 00:23:42,380
 I married the gala, you know, the bald headed guy in front of me that first meeting.

425
00:23:42,380 --> 00:23:46,900
 And I, I've helped, I've had, I've had him captive for 16, 17 years since.

426
00:23:46,900 --> 00:23:51,620
 And um, and you know, living with another alcoholic, it's, it's, it's, we get to have

427
00:23:51,620 --> 00:23:56,300
 that sober house and we get to look at the life that we have today and know that it is

428
00:23:56,300 --> 00:23:59,700
 all because of alcoholics anonymous because he was living in a bush.

429
00:23:59,700 --> 00:24:05,340
 I was living on Sepulveda and, um, and what we have today, we, we wouldn't have ever had,

430
00:24:05,340 --> 00:24:11,380
 you know, if someone didn't pull them out of that Bush or, um, yeah, I get to, um, participate

431
00:24:11,380 --> 00:24:13,440
 in my life every single day sober.

432
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:17,580
 And that's, that's what I want tomorrow and one day at a time for the rest of my life.

433
00:24:17,580 --> 00:24:19,420
 But, um, I'm going to end early guys.

434
00:24:19,420 --> 00:24:21,020
 So, um, thank you.

435
00:24:21,020 --> 00:24:25,940
 And I want to thank my guide, my sponsor and all of you.