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 Hi everyone, Julie St. John, glad to be here. Thank you, Nathan, for asking me and I'm honored

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 to be here. I'm dialing in from Tennessee, so it's past my bedtime. I'll try and liven

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 it up. I want to thank Bruce for a great talk. I know your sponsor well, and I know that

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 woman Roz. In fact, I was at her 95th birthday party before I moved here. I know that. So

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 she must be 96 now because everything at the birthday party had 95 and still alive on it.

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 So anyway, I love Marty and coincidentally, I mean, how bizarre is this? Bruce and I have

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 the exact same sobriety date. I just turned 34 on January 31st, 1991. So that's pretty

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 trippy. You know, they say there are no coincidences, but I could relate to so much of what you

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 what you shared and I really enjoyed your talk. So you've got the statistics of how

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 much time I have. I'm unlike Bruce, have a few years on your Bruce. I'm 68 and I grew

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 up in Northeast LA and my parents were from, well, I was born in South Dakota as well,

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 but you know, before I was three or something, we moved to Los Angeles. They were a young

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 couple. My mom had been divorced. She had three kids were born like July, August, September.

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 And I think she was 20 years old when she got a divorce. So there you go. And so she

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 marries my stepdad and they moved to, you know, want to get out of Dodge and move to

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 California for a, um, is there going to be a timer? Okay. There's the timer. Is it the

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 32? I'm guessing anyway. Okay. Um, so they move, get out of Dodge. They move to Los Angeles

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 and end up in this little downstairs duplex in Northeast Los Angeles. And that was our

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 starter home or their starter place. And there was two bedrooms and I told you there was

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 three kids and then they had two more. So it was crowded. And back then, you know, it

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 wasn't, uh, it just wasn't uncommon to have five kids in a two bedroom house or, you know,

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 there was this little alcove that, um, my dad put some plywood up and put a bed in there

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 for me since I was the only girl of five kids. And childhood was, um, crazy. I told you it

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 was East LA, so a lot of gangs and, um, it was just different, you know, for a Midwestern

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 couple and their kids. But my dad, you know, we didn't have money and my dad worked in

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 a machine shop. My mom stayed home and they little money they could pull together. They

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 put us in Catholic school. My four brothers played sports. My mom kept score. My dad was,

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 you know, would help coach and, you know, pray before dinner at night and get our uniforms

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 off. You know, like it was just idyllic in some ways. But, um, you know, and I'm not,

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 I'm sure that they didn't want us to turn out the way we did, but my dad was kind of

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 a periodic and my mom was busy cleaning in the middle of the night all the time, which

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 was weird until, uh, she gave me a couple of these little white pills to help her clean

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 one day. So she was kind of wacky like that. And my brother that's a year older had joined

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 a gang and my younger brother was started dealing drugs and you know, we would have

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 the helicopters and my brother had a low rider and there was just a lot of drama and you

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 know, from the outside it looked like everything was okay. But I, you know, I always say everybody

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 has like their role in the family. My role was miss goody two shoes. I was the second

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 oldest. I was not going to be like my crazy brother who had gotten stabbed and you know,

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 had gone to jail and then he went into the military to get out of trouble. And my younger

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 brother was going in and out of jail and for dealing drugs and weapons. And I mean, my

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 mom was, you know, hers and she was very busy and I'm like, I got to get out of here. Are

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 these, you know, I felt like, you know, you young people wouldn't know this reference,

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 but there was this TV show called the Munsters and there was like one normal person. I was

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 like, I felt like, like I'm not going to be like the neighbor who went to prison, you

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 know, 18 years old cause he killed somebody. The other neighbor killed somebody. The Sammy

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 at the corner market huffing glue, not going to be around these. I'm not going to be like

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 this. Right. So that was, um, I got married when I was 21. I had my resolve, you know,

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 knowing what my family was like. My dad was periodic and um, you know, in the neighborhood

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 I just knew what caused everybody going away, you know, on vacation we called it. Um, so

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 I wasn't going to be like them. And I set out on my way, I went to junior college and

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 I took the secretarial courses and I met him when I was 20 and he was a college football

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 star. He had gone away to play college and came back to town. So, um, kind of a local

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 hero, I guess, I don't know, big guy. And uh, so we had this big wedding, we get married

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 and um, I, like I said, I was going to be different. I didn't want to like, I had all

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 these things in childhood, like my dad that would, I mean, my dad had this fascination

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 with camouflage and he would spray paint everything camouflage like this Baja Volkswagen and leave

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 his, cause he was a hunter and fishermen from South Dakota. Nobody else in the neighborhood

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 was rolling up the street in a spray painted vehicle with a dead deer attached to the top.

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 Like he'd go after work into the local mountains and shoot a deer. And I would just be like

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 doing curtain patrol and you know, looking outside like I hate my life. Like who are

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 these people? And you know, our lights would get turned off and the phone would get turned

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 off and that was back then before cell phones and you know, so when there was no electricity

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 we'd plug into the neighbor's electricity. It's like, Oh anyway, so I digress. So I set

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 out on my way to make things different and have this better life. And I started acquiring

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 all these things I thought were supposed to fix me. My, I bought a Porsche and I had always

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 worked. I got a job at 15 as an executive assistant and worked for only the old people

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 will know this reference, Broadway department stores, their corporate office was in East

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 Los Angeles there. And I, that's where I was one of my first jobs. And you know, a couple

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 years into this marriage, I had my first child, my daughter, and I just thought, I'm going

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 to give this baby everything I never had. Right. And um, I tried to do that, you know,

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 we bought a house, I had new furniture. I thought those were the things that were supposed

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 to fix me. And I just remember thinking like, well, I must not have it right. I must have

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 the combo right or something, but I just have that restless, irritable alcoholic disposition

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 of this isn't it. I'm doing something wrong. A grass is greener somewhere else. And you

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 know, this is not to say that everything was horrible back then. Things were working back

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 then. And because my husband was this, you know, former football star, there were always

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 people at our house who I called him his groupies that kind of made for a party atmosphere and

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 they were always there. And because I just thought, Oh, you're so smart, Julie, because

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 you've watched your family struggle with all these and the neighborhood and you know what

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 caused it all. And you will know better, right? I have the type of alcoholism that I will

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 know when to say when, right? I am the only one in the family who's in AA though. So side

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 note, just so you know, I'm the only one that made it. So I obviously worked through that

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 and I but I had my resolve go going for a good while and I, I didn't become alcoholic

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 or drug addict and you know, they were bringing over, this was the eighties and I had my son

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 three years later, two big kids and you know, eight and nine pounds and everything's working

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 and I'm drinking wine after work every day and all these people at our house every weekend

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 and they were bringing cocaine over and I thought, Oh, I want to try that. I'll know

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 when to say when I, you know, and I tried it and I really liked it. Okay. Like I knew

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 intuitively that there wasn't enough and that I had to keep how much I liked it a secret.

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 Right. And so I started drinking every day and I started using cocaine and I find myself

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 a couple of years later with a pretty serious habit and drinking every day and I'm find

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 myself pregnant with my third child and I can't stop. And I crossed that line and talk

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 about like, you know, I told you I was a good little Catholic school girl. I was so ashamed

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 and I, you know, these secrets that we keep inside. I had, we were losing the house. I'm

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 losing, you know, unlike Bruce who didn't lose everything. I lost everything, you know,

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 and it was a spiral that was not pretty, you know, from almost losing one job and getting

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 another job and becoming angry and I couldn't stop. And I, you know, I give birth to this

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 little baby who weighs five pounds and I would look at him and I would flinch and I would

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 think you did that to him. You are a monster. You are worse than your entire family put

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 together. How could you do this? How you are going to be different. You know, the, the

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 voice that just wouldn't stop and, and I wish I could say, you know, he was born and I saw

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 the light, but no, I live like that for another five years of circling the drain and losing

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 everything. And so, you know, of course you lose the marriage. Of course you lose the

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 house. Of course you lose the job. And I hadn't filed taxes and, and it just wasn't pretty.

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 I moved my three kids and myself, you know, into my parents, back to my parents' house,

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 into one room where, you know, my brother's dealing drugs in the next room and mom is

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 cleaning all night, you know, scrubbing smoke off the walls because, you know, everybody

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 smoked and heaven forbid someone opened a window, but not that I judge. Anyway, here

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 I am sleeping on the floor with my three kids and I'm taking them to this little Christian

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 school and I have, my fillings have fallen out. I have water in my knees. I have, um,

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 I haven't paid taxes. So I hadn't filed taxes in like six years. I had warrants for my arrest

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 on tickets I hadn't paid. I had gotten fired from that job. My husband, like, I'm not living

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 with your crazy family. So he went to stay with his brother. And then, um, so that's

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 what it was like. And what happened to get me here was that no one's ever shocked when

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 I say this. However, I was very shocked when I got arrested. I remember thinking, I just

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 had my nails done. I'm a mother. Like you can't arrest me. And then they just didn't

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 care. So anyway, here I am. I get arrested and, um, uh, it's weird when I have to laugh

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 at my own jokes, but oh well that's okay. Um, I'll have fun with it. I've done this

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 a lot. I just have fun with it. You don't have to laugh even though it's funny. So,

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 um, so I get arrested, I come out, you know, my husband was staying with his brother who

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 had been going through a divorce because he had cheated on his wife with his secretary.

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 So the two of them were there and we would get together on the weekends and we'd say,

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 Oh, we're going to get it all back when we get our next check. Right. Like who cares?

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 Look at, and I was shaking my fist at God. Like I thought I had a hard childhood and

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 now this, and um, you know, I'm praying with my kids. They don't care. They don't know.

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 They just wanted to be with me. You know, they would fight over who we slept on the

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 floor, who got my face last night, you know, and God, what a life when I think back, you

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 know, and how far I've come. And so I get arrested and I, you know, I was just in a

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 fetal position, white flag. I can't do this anymore. This is too hard. You know, I had

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 listened to those in the middle of the night, those commercials from out. If you know somebody

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 who has a problem, you should have them call AA and it would give the number. So I bravely

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 dialed AA and I said, my sister has a problem and this your sister should go to AA. I said,

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 Oh no, she can't. She has kids. I didn't know anything about AA, right? There was a weird

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 neighbor lady who knew our family was just all nuts. Had told my brothers that she was

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 in AA. We just all laughed at her like, whatever that is, go for it lady. And so, um, you know,

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 I couldn't find my husband. I had called the EAP that, you know, luckily still had insurance

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 and he said, there's this thing called rehab where you go. And so I knew it was the beginning

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 for me that I couldn't do this. I was done forking it. Like I knew that my life was going

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 to be different. And so my mom of course offered me a Valium, which I took and they, my kids

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 and my mom dropped me off at this rehab in Glendale. It's called Glendale Adventist Recovery

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 Center GARC, I called it. And, um, and that started my journey. Oh, and then like the

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 week before, I'm now driving a 20 year old Volkswagen and I forgot to put oil in the

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 engine and the engine blew. I was like, really? There was no friendly direction, you know?

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 Like I, and then my husband, oh yeah, this one, my husband, um, decided he and this blonde

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 biatch, I used to call it, I don't know, I didn't used to be blonde, but anyway, um,

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 they decided they liked each other and they were gonna start a life together. And so I

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 was like, listen here buddy, I didn't want you when I had you, but now you're, you're,

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 and you're going to leave me here with the kids in this drug house. I was sleeping on

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 the floor, you know? And so I was in the fetal position, like crying for two days until it

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 went into this rehab. And then I just remember, you know, Bruce talked about it when he heard

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 the words coming out of people's mouths that they were saying that was, I thought they

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 were going to quote my social security number in the book, you know, like I just couldn't

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 believe that you were talking my language and I was just like, oh my God, this is incredible,

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 you know? And I was pinching myself. Of course I walked in, I looked around and I just thought,

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 what kind of loser, what, is this my punishment? You know, I thought I just couldn't, I started

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 laughing, you know, like hysterically, I was like holding my stomach in the back row laughing,

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 like this is too much. Some guy was crying about something and I just thought, oh no,

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 save me. And of course it takes like 24 hours and you're holding hands, singing Kumbaya,

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 you know, this and this grand we're all sober. But you know, like my mom was home with my

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 kids. I had to get a job. I had to get my brothers and my dad put an engine in my Volkswagen.

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 I had to let my kids, he, my ex husband moved down to Orange County with this woman and

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 so I let the kids go stay with him. I think when I had about nine months, you know, I

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 was trying to do the right thing and focus on my sobriety and get a new job. And you

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 know, it was saving money so I could get a place. And of course he filed for divorce

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 and custody and was like garnishing my first check. I was crying all the time. I've come

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 here to, and I just like had this mountain of wreckage, you know, like we do. And that

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 started my journey and I'm grateful that it was that hard. You know, Bruce mentioned sharing

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 in a general way. I don't share in a general way because I don't want to be preached to

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 or I don't want to hear somebody's philosophy. I want to know that you were as bad as I was,

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 you know, that you struggled like I did. And so I share those details of how hard it was,

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 but I also share how I was laughing every day and how I got a job and my jobs got better.

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 I told you I'm an ex, I was an executive assistant up until last year and I ended up getting

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 promoted and working for like the chairman of an oil company. You know that high rise

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 downtown that said Arco on it. I worked on the 51st floor as the assistant to the chairman.

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 Here I am in my first five years, like getting all these promotions all because I took this

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 thing that I'm sure they don't even teach anymore. It's called shorthand and a Susan

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 might know. And uh, you know, when we're sober and we're really doing this deal, we'd make

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 good employees and we get to advance in life and things get better. Here I am meeting presidency

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 United States. I met four presidents United States because of who I worked for. I got

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 invited to president Reagan's office. I've met president Carter and both the Bush presidents

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 and it's just amazing flying on private jets, you know, taking my little shorthand, like

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 thinking like if they only knew, like I had warrants for my arrest, you know, not that

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 long ago. I, you know, it was like incredible. What I remember in early sobriety, they said,

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 make a list if you're new of everything you want in sobriety because you're going to get

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 that and everything else. And in all my bitterness, I thought, Oh really, is that your little

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 newcomer activity? Okay. So I made a list and I put on the list. I wanted a new car.

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 I want someone else to pay for it. And the insurance. I wanted new furniture. I wanted

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 to maybe quit smoking, but probably not. And I wanted to maybe exercise. Of course, all

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 those things, you know, I, I, um, I switched jobs after several years. He took me with

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 him to work at another company and then ultimately out at his big mansion with his family, I

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 paid all their bills and did all their stuff. And then I, um, at five years of sobriety,

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 you know, we don't do anything easy. I met him in the rooms downtown at the noon meeting

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 and he was going through a divorce or he was, we were both already divorced, but he had

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 four kids and I had three kids. So we both was like to say we only had seven kids. We're

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 both paying child support up the wazoo for these kids. Right. I didn't have any money,

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 but we were having a good time in AA, you know, just laughing, going to meetings. And

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 um, so we got married at five years of sobriety and we moved down to orange County and you

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 know, the, I shared custody of my kids with my ex and I still had to pay him. Oh, figure.

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 But um, that's all over now. But that was, you know, hard back then. And, but we did

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 it because that's what we do in AA. We do the right thing. And of course we want a medal

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 for it, but that's just us in AA anyway. Um, uh, so my daughter wrote her high school essay

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 about her hero, her mom, and went on to college. And my son Jordan was a big football player

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 like his father, six foot four, 250 pounds lineman of the year, played varsity football

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 as a freshman. And he was lineman of the year, all four years. And that child that I could

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 have killed that barely weighed five pounds when he was born. You know, he has every bit

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 of what we have in our emotions. He's better than he's less than if you can't be the captain

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 of the team. Uh, he didn't want to play, you know? And so this program saturated our lives

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 and trickled down into my parenting, into their lives. And that young man, he's, today's

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 his birthday and he's 39 years old and he's never had a drink of alcohol because of you

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 guys, because of this program, because of how he has seen. Now, you know, if I got what

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 I deserved, I could have killed him. And you know, I didn't put that on my list that I

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 dear son, you know, that I flinched at and hated that I did that to him that he's sober

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 because of you. It's incredible, you know? Um, so at 10 years of sobriety, um, I worked

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 down, I got a job in, um, orange County working for the president of a car company, the chairman

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 president. And then I got a brand new car. I got two every year, one for my husband,

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 one for me. So if you're new, make a list of everything you want because you're going

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 to hit that stuff. It happens. I didn't ask for that. And um, so I retired from that job

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 after 23 years and um, I miss working actually. I'm still getting used to this whole retirement

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 thing, but at 10 years of sobriety, um, we had a tragedy. My son, Jordan, a big football

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 player was a senior in high school and he was like, he just adored the ground. I walked

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 on like this kid, um, was just the best. And he said, mom, all the, all the football players

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 who were at our house every day for lunch, cause we lived close to the school and they

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 were like a herd of locusts, like just ravaging my covers for food. But you know, when you

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 miss out on time, you just so grateful to anything to be with them. And he said, all

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 the football players were going to go to Lake Havasu for spring break, mom. So we went to

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 the store and we got all this stuff and in the morning, um, he just came and he would

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 stand behind me, bear hug me and pick me up. I just love you so much, mom. And he did that

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 like three times that morning and I was like, all right already. And his friends all came

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 and I walked him out and wearing his big letterman's jacket and I got a call that morning at work

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 that there was an accident. Jordan was a passenger and he was killed instantly. And um, talk

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 about rocking your world in sobriety. You know that I never thought of drinking. I wanted

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 to die, but um, I just knew that I would never do that to my other kids. And um, honestly

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 now it's been over 20 years since he died. But so in hindsight, I can say that his death

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 gave me as many gifts as his life. You know, I became a chapter leader of a bereaved parents

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 group meeting and helped others and he lets us know he's around. His dad's football number

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 was 74 year I graduated high school. Jordan's football number was 74 we, we are customer

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 number 74 74 is our in our lives all the time. You know, like everywhere we go, I get asked

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 to speak in the Valley. They send me the address and it's 7,400 Jordan Avenue. You know, like

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 he just lets me know he's around. My daughter named her first born Jordan, Julianne after

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 Jordan and me and she has four kids now. So she named her youngest, um, Juliet after me,

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 my brother who was a year older, he died at 45 waiting for a liver transplant and I'm

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 the godmother to his oldest son and he just couldn't get this thing. You know, he was

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 45 he just, he drank in the hospital waiting for the liver for the transplant in the hospital

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 parking lot. You know, that's what we do. And you know, his son is struggling with sobriety.

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 Well, he has three sons. I'm the godmother to his oldest and he's struggling to stay

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 sober. But Josh, the middle one is sober seven years now and I give him a cake every year.

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 And Jeffrey, who's the oldest one, he just, he just named his little girl after me. Like

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 I never thought to put something as meaningful as that on that stupid list. But that's what

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 Alcoholics Anonymous does for us. You know, the gifts just keep coming. And like Bruce,

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 you know, I've grown old in this program and the gifts don't stop. They just don't stop

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 coming. You know, like to have my daughter build a home for me. Like I didn't have retirement

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 plans and it's expensive in California. And she said, Mom, we want you to live here. So,

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 you know, I've been blessed by sobriety in a thousand different ways that just keep happening.

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 I'm sponsoring a few women here. I sponsor a number of people all over the place, different

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 places I've spoken and I just continue to be blessed. You know, I'm trying to figure

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 this thing out if I want to get another job or not, but I'm also kind of enjoying Monday

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 morning not having to go to work, wait on people. Kind of sweet, to tell you the truth.

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 I went back, I started horseback riding, you know, exercise. Of course, I quit smoking

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 at two years of sobriety. I've traveled a lot. My husband is an attorney. We always

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 joke that I married an attorney because my family needed one, but he doesn't practice

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 criminal law. So of course both my parents are passed and you know, that brother that

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 was dealing drugs has been in and out of prison. And unfortunately we don't speak because he's

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 not really sober. And my one brother who we used to like say was worse than all of us,

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 he was born again Christian. So we'd be like, get back. But he's a, he and I are very close

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 and let's see, how am I doing on time? Oh, I got five more minutes. I can tell some stories.

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 No, maybe we'll get out of here early. I, I, like I mentioned, you know, if you're new,

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 I hope you stay as you're in for the ride of your lives. You know, it's like we come

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 here and we gather and we figure out each other's problems and solutions. And there's,

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 there's rarely anybody who hasn't experienced what you have experienced. And we do this

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 together. I like what Carl Morris says, like, I think it's Carl, it's like, we're like a

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 football huddle, you know, you get your tattoo removed, you get a job, you get your, you

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 know, record expunged. And those are the kinds of things that we get to do here and then

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 live these meaningful, purposeful lives where we become, you know, good citizens. And you

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 know, my sponsors in her eighties and wants me to be the trustee on her estate. Like I,

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 you know, I didn't ask for any of this stuff and I, I just do everything that I do, you

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 know, like my granddaughter, Jordan, she, she's 17 now and she was, is like dealing

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 with this seasonal depression. And I get to share with her that there's a solution to

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 depression and it's being of service to the world around you, to people in school. So

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 we're going to set up, you know, a service commitment at this food bank. But I, I want

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 to be able, nobody shared this stuff with me, the solutions to life, the organic heartfelt

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 solutions to life on how to deal with issues and problems. And it, you know, I need to

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 remember these things myself. So I'm going to end with that and just say how much I love

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 this program and all of you guys. And thank you for having me and letting me share. Remember

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 that funny. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Grendel Adventist rehab. That's funny. How funny is it that

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 Bruce and I had this same sobriety date? That's a trip. That's yeah, that's weird. How often

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 does that ever happen? You know, like I know one other person out of all the people. Really?

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 Wow. I think it's that birthday. Well, thank you for sharing so much. I appreciate it very

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 much. Thanks.