1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,640 - Hi everybody, my name is Robert, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:02,640 --> 00:00:04,300 Nice to be here. 3 00:00:04,300 --> 00:00:06,680 Thank you for asking me to share. 4 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,140 Glad that I could do it. 5 00:00:08,140 --> 00:00:09,920 Vincent, my favorite. 6 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:11,760 Thank you for coming out. 7 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:13,120 He took me out to dinner tonight, 8 00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:14,840 so he's my favorite for today. 9 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:17,840 Mike, thanks for coming out as well. 10 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:19,160 Anybody in their first year? 11 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:20,840 Anybody in their first two years? 12 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:22,760 First five years? 13 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:26,080 All right, we have one person in their first five years. 14 00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:27,320 Okay, wow. 15 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:28,160 What's that? 16 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:29,000 Anybody online? 17 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,200 Oh, John, how long you sober? 18 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:32,040 Four years? 19 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,220 All right, welcome, John, welcome. 20 00:00:34,220 --> 00:00:35,060 I'm glad to be here. 21 00:00:35,060 --> 00:00:37,540 It's nostalgic for me. 22 00:00:37,540 --> 00:00:40,360 I was thinking about Chuck tonight, 23 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:44,120 who started the group a long, long time ago. 24 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,240 And Chuck and his wife. 25 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:48,920 And just thinking about how things change. 26 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,840 Things change a lot in AA. 27 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:52,120 Things change in life. 28 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,800 And everyone's involved surprised me a lot. 29 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:57,540 I remember how big this group used to be, 30 00:00:57,540 --> 00:00:59,280 how enthusiastic this group is. 31 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,560 You guys are quite enthusiastic still. 32 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:05,980 But I just remember, in my mind, it was 300 people. 33 00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:07,760 But it wasn't that big, apparently. 34 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:08,760 It was maybe 100. 35 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:12,000 But I just remember the enthusiasm for Alcoholics Anonymous. 36 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:15,520 And I think about setting up the chairs in that hall 37 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,420 and tearing it down and the commitments that people had. 38 00:01:18,420 --> 00:01:23,040 Because it was an offshoot of the group that I grew up in. 39 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:26,400 I got sober in the Pacific group, 40 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:27,720 where Chuck got sober. 41 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,560 Chuck was in my class. 42 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:33,680 And I got sober September 7th of 1980. 43 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,200 And I haven't had a drink since then. 44 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:40,600 I'm a little, I had somebody I sponsored 45 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:45,000 tell me they've been smoking pot for several years. 46 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:49,160 And then a guy I sponsor with long-term sobriety, 47 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:50,720 double-duty sobriety, 48 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:54,760 told me he'd been doing crystal for the last six months. 49 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:58,440 And it doesn't surprise me, that's what we do. 50 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,720 It doesn't surprise me, but it still surprises me. 51 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:03,040 If you've been around for a while, 52 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,920 you know what I'm saying. 53 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:06,480 You just don't get used to it. 54 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,580 And you don't get used to Chuck going out. 55 00:02:09,580 --> 00:02:15,360 My sponsor, Art, had 39 years of sobriety. 56 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,340 And he went out on crystal meth. 57 00:02:17,340 --> 00:02:19,640 And he never did crystal. 58 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,960 But he did it at 39 years of sobriety. 59 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,960 And he died sober. 60 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:27,320 He got sober, and had two years of sobriety, 61 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,560 and then he died of liver cancer. 62 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:34,560 So it's a mixed emotion in AA that we stay sober. 63 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:39,120 Things are changing, and I'm not so sure I like change. 64 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:43,040 There's nobody who's new, but I'm an alcoholic. 65 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,820 And there's nobody who is new. 66 00:02:44,820 --> 00:02:46,040 I wouldn't give this talk 67 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:47,960 if there was anybody who was new in the room. 68 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,600 But I was at a meeting last night, 69 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,060 and I go to this meeting, and the woman gave a great talk. 70 00:02:52,060 --> 00:02:54,480 37 years sober, and she gave a great talk. 71 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:57,620 Really great experience, and just great stories. 72 00:02:57,620 --> 00:02:59,400 But there was something to miss with her talk. 73 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,800 Talked a lot about drugs. 74 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:04,260 And I am a firm believer in singleness of purpose. 75 00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:06,400 The name of our group is Alcoholics Anonymous. 76 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,520 And the problem with her talk 77 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,160 is I didn't identify with her story. 78 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,600 I identified with some of the interesting stories 79 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,840 about sobriety, but they were more entertaining 80 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:19,080 than growth inspiring. 81 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,320 And you know what I'm talking about. 82 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,520 But it's a question and answer I was telling Vincent 83 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:23,360 about this earlier. 84 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:24,480 It's a question and answer meeting. 85 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:27,320 So she speaks for 30 minutes, and they ask questions. 86 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:30,140 And if you weren't watching for it, 87 00:03:30,140 --> 00:03:33,100 you kind of missed the fact she never talked about drinking, 88 00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:34,640 although she talked about drinking. 89 00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:36,880 When she talked about drinking, she used the word alcohol. 90 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:38,960 She used the word Alcoholics Anonymous. 91 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,360 She talked about sobriety. 92 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:41,880 And then somebody asked her a question. 93 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,280 She said, "No, you mentioned that alcohol 94 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:46,640 "always led to you doing drugs. 95 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,300 "Can you talk a little bit about your drinking? 96 00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:50,640 "I kid you not." 97 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:51,720 I'm gonna paraphrase. 98 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:55,240 She said, "Well, alcohol really wasn't my drug of choice." 99 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:59,520 And I went, "What are you doing at 37 years, 100 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,740 "abstinent, speaking at an AA meeting? 101 00:04:01,740 --> 00:04:03,760 "You might as well get an overeater up here 102 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:07,400 "and talk about not eating flour or sugar for 37 years, 103 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,000 "if you're gonna say it's all the same." 104 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,180 For me, and then I'll get off my soapbox in just a second. 105 00:04:12,180 --> 00:04:14,280 It's this change that I see, right, 106 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:15,480 that's really driving me crazy. 107 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,720 I drank, and I'm an alcoholic, and I sucked down bourbon 108 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,400 and 7, 7-7 was my drink. 109 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,960 My first drink was beer and champagne. 110 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,560 I was 12 years old. 111 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,420 I got drunk, and it did something for me 112 00:04:29,420 --> 00:04:31,600 that nothing has ever done. 113 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,160 Sex doesn't do it. 114 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,000 I smoked some pot along the way. 115 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,480 I took whites along the way. 116 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,760 That's about as much drugs as I did. 117 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:39,840 And it didn't do it. 118 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,720 Now, pot made me high, 119 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,300 which is very different than having a cocktail. 120 00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:45,840 And here's the difference for me. 121 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:48,220 At 12 years old, when I got drunk, 122 00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:51,800 that booze went down, and it hit inside of me, 123 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,540 and I said this to myself at 12 years old, 124 00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:59,540 "Oh my God, this is what it feels like to be normal." 125 00:04:59,540 --> 00:05:01,960 Pot never did that. 126 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,520 Pot made me hallucinate. 127 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,760 Pot entertained my brain. 128 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:09,600 Whites just, I don't know what whites did, we just took 'em. 129 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,880 But pot would just take me into la-la land, 130 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,280 and I could just kind of sometimes hallucinate 131 00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:21,080 and stuff like that, but alcohol made me feel normal. 132 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,800 And I said that to myself at 12 years old, 133 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:27,800 "Oh my God, this is what it feels like to be normal." 134 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:29,680 Now, what really had happened to me 135 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,020 is I was a very anxious kid. 136 00:05:33,020 --> 00:05:35,240 I had a lot of emotional problems. 137 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:38,660 I won't go into details, but I'll just tell you, 138 00:05:38,660 --> 00:05:42,380 I sucked my thumb, and I wet my bed 'til I was 15. 139 00:05:42,380 --> 00:05:43,960 And there was sexual abuse, 140 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,440 this is not being recorded, is it? 141 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:46,600 Huh? - Yes, we can. 142 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:47,800 - Yeah, it just nicks it. 143 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,800 Yeah, I appreciate that. 144 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,120 There was sexual abuse that happened to me as a boy, 145 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:55,000 and so there was a lot of stuff that I was filled 146 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,800 with a lot of turmoil and angst and anxiety 147 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:02,400 and sadness and depression and awkwardness 148 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:06,480 and just felt different, and my head was always talking to me 149 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,080 and, "Why did you say that? 150 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,800 "Nobody likes you," and all that stuff. 151 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,480 But when I drank, it all stopped. 152 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,500 And all that anxiety went away, 153 00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:17,240 and I felt happy for the very first time. 154 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,500 I remember laughing and going, "Oh my God, 155 00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,780 "I loved what alcohol did for me." 156 00:06:21,780 --> 00:06:25,040 So I'm not an alcoholic in the sense that 157 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,880 if I stop drinking, everything gets better. 158 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:28,800 That's not me. 159 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,940 I stopped drinking, and it goes back to the way it was 160 00:06:31,940 --> 00:06:33,320 when I was 12 years old. 161 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,880 The anxiety, the talking in the head. 162 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:40,140 I know if I drank today, I know exactly what I would do. 163 00:06:40,140 --> 00:06:41,160 I would get drunk. 164 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:42,520 I would get sloppy. 165 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,080 I would get emotional. 166 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,720 I would call you and tell you what I think of you, 167 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:49,680 and every resentment I've ever had at you, 168 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,360 I went, "And you and you and you," 169 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,520 and then I'd get the gun out of my nightstand, 170 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:56,360 put it in my head, and blow my brains out 171 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,640 'cause I know exactly what that drinking's gonna lead to. 172 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:03,240 That's gonna be day after day after day, 173 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,200 and day after day, I'm gonna say today 174 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:06,160 I'm not gonna drink. 175 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:07,760 I'm gonna get my shit together. 176 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:08,960 I'm not gonna drink. 177 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:10,440 I'm gonna go to a meeting, 178 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,000 and I know at five o'clock, I'll just have one. 179 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,560 I'll just have, I just need to take the edge off, 180 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,280 and then I would go back out to drinking, 181 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:22,600 and I know what it will look like 'cause my alcoholism, 182 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,560 and I heard this when I was new, and I thought it was BS. 183 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,920 They said your alcoholism continues to go on 184 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,640 even if you stop drinking, 185 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:34,040 and I said, "Somebody's making that crap up." 186 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,120 There's no such thing, and I gotta tell you, 187 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:40,160 I'm sober 44 years, and I feel like my alcoholism 188 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,120 is worse than it was when I came in. 189 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:44,440 I don't know how to explain it. 190 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,920 I can just tell you that if I went to drinking, 191 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,000 I would get on the phone, tell you how I feel, 192 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,880 and then walk in the bedroom, put a gun in my hand, 193 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:51,760 blow my brains out. 194 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:53,320 That's alcoholism, right? 195 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:56,360 But when I drink, it all just used to go away. 196 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,080 So what happened is I got sober, and I got sober, 197 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,660 and you've got, many of you have heard my story, 198 00:08:01,660 --> 00:08:03,360 so I'm not gonna bother with all the details, 199 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,740 but I asked this girl to marry me, 200 00:08:05,740 --> 00:08:09,000 who I dated on and off, and we weren't dating at the time. 201 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,660 She was dating somebody else, and you know how we are. 202 00:08:11,660 --> 00:08:13,200 I don't want you, but dammit, 203 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,300 I don't want anybody else wanting you either, 204 00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:17,680 so why don't you marry me just so somebody else 205 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,060 can't have you, even though we're having sex, 206 00:08:20,060 --> 00:08:23,540 but I'm also having sex with him, him, him, him, him, and him, 207 00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:25,120 but you won't mind, will you? 208 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,460 And she just said to me, she goes, 209 00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:29,080 "Robert, you're an alcoholic." 210 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:30,600 And I said, "Oh, come on, Eileen. 211 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:31,880 "You haven't seen me in months." 212 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:32,960 She goes, "Robert, you've been drinking 213 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,340 "since five this morning." 214 00:08:34,340 --> 00:08:36,500 And I said these words, and it really should be 215 00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:38,720 one of the questions on our 20 questions card. 216 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,840 I know you guys probably have it, and it's back there. 217 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,020 This should really be a 20 question. 218 00:08:43,020 --> 00:08:45,720 Or really, it needs to be written by us, right? 219 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,560 That's written by John Hopkins Hospital. 220 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:51,560 I think we get in a room, and we write out real questions 221 00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:53,020 about whether you're an alcoholic, 222 00:08:53,020 --> 00:08:55,100 'cause if you say these four words 223 00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:56,840 when somebody asks you about, 224 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,280 or confronts you about your drinking, 225 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:00,800 you don't need to answer anymore. 226 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:01,640 One will do. 227 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:04,680 I got a one 20 question card that will cut it. 228 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:07,360 If you say to somebody these four words 229 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,240 when they say, "My God, you're drinking all the time. 230 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:11,320 "You're an alcoholic." 231 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:14,900 And you say, "But you don't understand." 232 00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:15,740 You're an alcoholic. 233 00:09:15,740 --> 00:09:18,680 The only people that say that are alcoholics. 234 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,200 That's the only people that start off, 235 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:21,280 but you don't understand. 236 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:22,420 And that's what I said. 237 00:09:22,420 --> 00:09:24,000 But Eileen, you don't understand. 238 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,720 We're water skiing, and everybody knows 239 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:31,560 that you water ski when the water is like glass. 240 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,940 You don't go out there when the wind is kicking it up 241 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:34,780 and you got waves. 242 00:09:34,780 --> 00:09:35,600 It's no fun. 243 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,000 You go when it's glass. 244 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,480 So at five o'clock in the morning, 245 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:39,880 if the water's like glass, 246 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,320 that's when we all get up early, 247 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,040 and we go early in the day. 248 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,760 But everybody also knows that drinking 249 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,800 and skiing go together. 250 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,880 Nobody skis without drinking. 251 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,680 You need to be relaxed when you ski. 252 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:54,620 And she's looking at me like you're crazy. 253 00:09:54,620 --> 00:09:58,040 And I had all kinds of those explanations. 254 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,920 Like if you're drinking on a Saturday morning at 10 o'clock. 255 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,560 Alcoholics drink before noon. 256 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:05,120 We say before noon. 257 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,380 Other people say before five, right? 258 00:10:07,380 --> 00:10:12,240 But I, if I'm outside and I'm mowing the lawn, 259 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,300 that's not alcoholism, that's yard work. 260 00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:17,040 And every guy knows if you're mowing the lawn, 261 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:18,380 you have a beer to go with it. 262 00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:20,800 And I got more and more of those rules. 263 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,400 If it's Christmas morning, 264 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,160 and you're opening Christmas gifts with the family, 265 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,840 totally okay to have a bourbon and seven 266 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,160 while you open up your Christmas gifts at seven o'clock. 267 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,240 Because you're celebrating. 268 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:34,840 And I would have all these rules to explain to people. 269 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,640 Because alcohol does something for me 270 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,240 that nothing has ever done. 271 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,040 It makes me feel normal. 272 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,060 And that's really all I ever wanted. 273 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,840 I just want to feel normal. 274 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,600 What I really want is all these emotions 275 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,800 that I don't know how to handle. 276 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,800 I'm not an, I don't like emotions. 277 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,400 When I, when Nate said, you know, 278 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,180 sponsors just tell me about your emotions, 279 00:10:56,180 --> 00:10:59,520 I thought, if my sponsor at 44 Years of Sobriety said, 280 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,880 just call me every day and tell me what you're feeling, 281 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:02,840 I'd have to kill him. 282 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:04,800 I'd say, oh no, we're not doing that. 283 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,640 I'm not telling you what I'm feeling. 284 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:09,040 Because at any given moment, it's like, 285 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,320 what's the point of living? 286 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,040 Might as well just end it now. 287 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:15,520 Shoelace broke, one more, nothing goes my way. 288 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,600 Can you, it was the other day, what did I do? 289 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,960 I laughed at myself because it came out of nowhere. 290 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,840 I, what was I doing? 291 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,680 I did something in the kitchen. 292 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:28,460 I did something in the kitchen and I knocked something over. 293 00:11:28,460 --> 00:11:30,280 And it was like a cup of coffee 294 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:31,520 and it knocked all over the counter. 295 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:36,000 And I said, you know, God, can't just one thing go my way. 296 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,880 44 Years, can one thing just go my way? 297 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:42,180 Because I was frustrated. 298 00:11:42,180 --> 00:11:44,040 And so what I do is I blame God. 299 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:46,960 And that has been my MO since I was a kid. 300 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,000 If it's not going right, you blame God. 301 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,280 It's his fault. 302 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:53,260 'Cause he's supposed to keep everything going so I could, 303 00:11:53,260 --> 00:11:56,240 it's bad enough living without the challenges 304 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,000 of spilling a cup of coffee, right? 305 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,400 So when I drink, I get to a point 306 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,120 where I don't feel all that stuff. 307 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:04,120 And that to me feels normal. 308 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,240 And then I have moments where I can experience happiness 309 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:10,640 or glee, but the problem is, is I don't stop drinking. 310 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,520 'Cause once I start it feels so good, I wanna keep going. 311 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,760 And I don't understand when I'm drinking 312 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:19,480 that as a mental obsession and a physical allergy to alcohol, 313 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:22,200 I get the mental obsession and I ended up in a bar 314 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,220 and that's where I drink. 315 00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:25,280 And I'm in that bar every night pointing out 316 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:28,800 all the alcoholics 'cause this guy's in here every night. 317 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,480 And I would do it all the time. 318 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,600 Alcoholic, alcoholic, alcoholic. 319 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:33,800 And it never dawned on me. 320 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,480 The only reason I knew these people were in there 321 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,780 every night is 'cause my ass was in there every night. 322 00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:40,840 So what happened is I got sober and I was pretty miserable. 323 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:44,280 And nobody's new, but if you're a couple years sober 324 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,080 and there's actually nobody two years sober either, 325 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,480 I think our youngest guy is John 326 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:49,900 with four years of sobriety. 327 00:12:49,900 --> 00:12:53,200 If you're miserable, John, I'm just talking to you now, 328 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,860 I wanna welcome you to AA. 329 00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:57,280 I was really, really miserable 330 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:58,720 around two years of sobriety. 331 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:00,680 I was in the Pacific group, I had a sponsor, 332 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,920 I was sponsoring people, I'd done an inventory, 333 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,840 I'd worked the steps, I'd been making amends. 334 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,680 I've been doing what we do here. 335 00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:09,440 I still do the same stuff. 336 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:10,440 Nate, thank you. 337 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,760 Yeah, I hate it when I go to a meeting 338 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,240 and I'm the oldest guy in the room. 339 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,640 I go to a meeting a lot of times, 340 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:16,800 I'm the oldest guy in the room 341 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,080 and I think, where is everybody? 342 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:19,960 They're not dead, they're not all dead. 343 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:24,960 There were 52 people in my class. 344 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,080 We had a class banquet at our one year anniversary 345 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,300 and I have a picture, there were so many people, 346 00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:33,040 we have two pictures, we had to split the group up. 347 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:38,000 There were 52 people in 1980, we had a dinner, a banquet, 348 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,280 to celebrate that we'd all gotten sober in the Pacific group 349 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,000 and we'd all turned one year sober. 350 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,920 So just from the Pacific group, 1980, 52 of us. 351 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:51,560 I can count on one hand how many of us still go 352 00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,200 to the Wednesday night Pacific group meeting 353 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,040 and that number is one. 354 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,120 I'm the only one out of 52 people 355 00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,600 that continue to go to that meeting. 356 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,680 Many of them are dead. 357 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:03,440 Some of them gone out, Chuck, and others. 358 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,320 And it's, sometimes I get this feeling 359 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:09,040 every once in a while that comes over me. 360 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,700 Have I overstayed my welcome? 361 00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:13,100 Had they, were they gone? 362 00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:14,600 Did I not get the invite? 363 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,040 Did bus take me to the next location? 364 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:18,240 But that's just my thinking. 365 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:23,240 I remember I was, oh geez, 27, 27, 28 years sober 366 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,420 and I was sitting in my chair, I come home from work, 367 00:14:26,420 --> 00:14:29,640 it was a Monday night and I was going to, 368 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,040 at that time my home group was Monday night 369 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,200 adventures in sobriety. 370 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,920 I left the Pacific group when I was around 18 years sober. 371 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:38,240 I got a resentment. 372 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,520 People think I got a resentment 373 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,960 because I didn't get elected secretary, which is not true. 374 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,880 I had left the Pacific group 375 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,840 'cause I felt lonely in the group. 376 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,800 I did not feel a part of the group. 377 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,360 I'm actually having that same feeling again lately. 378 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,000 And it's not them, it's me. 379 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,000 It's always me. 380 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,320 The feeling's always me. 381 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,720 It's my willingness to tell the truth about who I am. 382 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,280 But I was at home, I was meditating. 383 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:03,520 I had just done 86, 87, 88. 384 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,420 I was sitting in the chair meditating 385 00:15:05,420 --> 00:15:08,120 and the thought came to my mind, you know what, Robert? 386 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,720 You're not really an alcoholic. 387 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:10,560 Not really. 388 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:12,120 You got sober when you were 24. 389 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,040 You had a lot of emotional problems, a lot. 390 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,080 And you've dealt with that stuff. 391 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,120 You've come out of the closet crying out loud. 392 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,200 You stopped dating men and women. 393 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,240 You stopped drinking. 394 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,120 So you solved the problem with the lawsuits you were in. 395 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,920 You're not stealing anymore. 396 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:29,680 You're not embezzling money. 397 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,140 You go to work every day. 398 00:15:31,140 --> 00:15:34,160 You've solved all these basic living problems 399 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:35,960 and you've emotionally grown up. 400 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,800 So it wasn't really alcoholism. 401 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:39,880 You were just immature. 402 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:41,200 You're not really an alcoholic. 403 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,280 And I said, oh my God, I'm not really an alcoholic. 404 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:45,280 So it's Monday night. 405 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:46,840 I always go to the Monday night meeting. 406 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:47,680 That's my home group. 407 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:48,600 That's where my sponsor is. 408 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:49,680 So I go to the Monday night meeting 409 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,080 'cause that's what you do, right? 410 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,640 Your feet carry you. 411 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,360 And I go to the meeting and I said, Armando, 412 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:55,560 I said I was sitting at home today. 413 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:56,480 I was meditating. 414 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,000 I got done meditating in the middle of meditation. 415 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,600 Actually, I realized I'm not an alcoholic. 416 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:05,760 And I'm really here in AA, really kind of by mistake. 417 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:08,760 He looked at me and said, what are you talking about? 418 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,600 He said, Robert, I've never seen you drink, 419 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,640 but I've sponsored you for 15 years 420 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,800 or whatever the case may be. 421 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,800 You're the worst alcoholic I have ever sponsored. 422 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:18,680 I didn't like that answer. 423 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,280 So I went to my best friend at the time. 424 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,480 I said, you know what, I just, I do. 425 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:23,320 He goes, what's up? 426 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,160 And I said, I just, I'm not an alcoholic. 427 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:27,040 It just came to me today when I was meditating. 428 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:28,520 I'm not an alcoholic. 429 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,880 I came here for emotional growth. 430 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,800 And I said, and I'm in the wrong. 431 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,440 He goes, what is wrong with you? 432 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,680 He goes, do you understand your alcoholism is alive 433 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,760 in trying to talk you out of leaving AA? 434 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,680 That you're in the middle of an alcoholic episode. 435 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,080 You don't even know it. 436 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,480 And I said, you're wrong. 437 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:49,720 You're wrong. 438 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:51,920 I can never trust my thinking. 439 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:52,760 I really can't. 440 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,920 I'm 69 years old, 44 years sober. 441 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,280 And I still can't trust my thinking. 442 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:02,000 My thinking at times, if it's about your life, 443 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:06,840 I have a perspective about you that I can have about me. 444 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,920 By trade, I'm a psychotherapist 445 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:13,600 and I can talk to clients and I can listen to them. 446 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:17,640 And I have an uncanny ability to diagnose people. 447 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,760 I had it since the day I first got trained. 448 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,840 I remember I had a supervisor 449 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:25,520 and he'd been practicing psychotherapy for 30 years 450 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,040 and he would give me his client. 451 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,520 He said, I need you to see this client. 452 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:31,240 I, for the life of me, can't figure this out. 453 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,840 And they would come in for a 30 minute session with me. 454 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:36,040 And I'd come back and I said, this is the problem. 455 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,920 It stems from X, Y, Z. 456 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,880 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. 457 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:40,800 This is what the issue is. 458 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,360 He goes, oh my God, I've been seeing this guy for a year 459 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:44,200 and never saw it. 460 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,480 How do you do that? 461 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,080 And I just have, that's a skill I have. 462 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,680 I have this diagnostic skill. 463 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,200 I can talk to somebody, figure out what their problem is 464 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,160 and do boom, boom. 465 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,960 I cannot do that with myself. 466 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,240 Not for the life of me. 467 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,160 I can do it for you. 468 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,800 Listen to you for 45 minutes and put it all together, 469 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,040 but I can't do it for me. 470 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,840 And I heard something when I was new. 471 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,240 You get a commitment, you call your sponsor, 472 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:06,640 you go to a meeting, you do the steps, 473 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,760 you get on your knees, you say your prayers, 474 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:12,440 you put into your life this thing called a program 475 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,320 so that on the bad day when you wake up 476 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:19,760 and you are absolutely 100% convinced 477 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,400 you're not an alcoholic or your home group 478 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,520 is treating you poorly, poorly. 479 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,600 And they are so wrong. 480 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:31,080 You put your shoes on, you put your collared shirt on. 481 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,480 I believe in wearing a collared shirt to an AA meeting. 482 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,600 I wear a collared shirt when I go to a meeting on Zoom. 483 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:37,880 I was taught to do that. 484 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:39,880 You do whatever you want, but that's what I was taught. 485 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,400 Wear a collared shirt when you go to an AA. 486 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,560 I put a collared shirt on, you go to the meeting, 487 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:44,680 you put on good clothes. 488 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:49,160 You let your feet walk you into the solution 489 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,680 'cause your head ain't going to. 490 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,080 And if you've got a habit long enough 491 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:57,120 of calling your sponsor or calling an AA member 492 00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:01,320 or checking with a friend, I tried to see it last week. 493 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,840 I happened to be in my doctor's office getting an allergy 494 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,720 shot and I had just come from having my oil changed 495 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,440 in my car that drive all the way from Burbank 496 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:10,960 all the way to Beverly Hills. 497 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,160 By the time I had to pee so bad, it was crazy. 498 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:14,760 So I said to the nurse who knows me, 499 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:15,800 I've been going there for years. 500 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,080 Hey, can I absolutely go use the restroom? 501 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:19,480 So I went there to use the restroom 502 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,400 and I peed just straight blood. 503 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:23,960 And I went, uh-oh. 504 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,640 And I freaked out 'cause you walked up to her 505 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,720 and I said, this just happened. 506 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:31,320 Can you tell me who I need to go see? 507 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,580 And she said, yeah, we'll take care of this. 508 00:19:33,580 --> 00:19:35,600 And so then they sent me to the emergency room 509 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,440 and I drove myself to the emergency room 510 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,000 and I'm sitting in the emergency room 511 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,120 and I've told no one, I told no one what's going on. 512 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:45,600 And then my head said, this is not a good idea. 513 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,440 You need to call someone. 514 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,360 So I called my best friend 'cause I'm in the habit 515 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:52,360 of telling people what's going on. 516 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:56,080 And I said, do not come over here, do not come over here. 517 00:19:56,080 --> 00:20:00,080 He goes, oh, I know how inappropriately independent you are. 518 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:03,560 He goes, I remember when you got a cactus stuck in your eye 519 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,900 and you drove yourself to the emergency room. 520 00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:06,840 He goes, I won't come. 521 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:07,680 I said, okay, good. 522 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:08,520 He goes, well, what's going on? 523 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:09,640 I told him. 524 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:14,120 So because I've been doing it for so many years 525 00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:17,080 in AA of picking up the phone and calling someone, 526 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,240 even when I try not to, 527 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,880 I'm being overridden by past behavior. 528 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,520 And it's this habit I've gotten into. 529 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:25,800 So when I was two years sober, 530 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,520 I was sitting in the Pacific group 531 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,320 and I was feeling really bad 532 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:33,000 because I just was feeling miserable in AA, miserable. 533 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,060 I've been doing all this stuff, but I was miserable. 534 00:20:35,060 --> 00:20:38,340 And if you think about it, especially for the new people, 535 00:20:38,340 --> 00:20:40,920 they come in here, we really don't have a lot to offer them. 536 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,280 We just say, don't drink. 537 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:43,920 We don't even tell them how not to. 538 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:47,320 And we say, just don't drink and everything will be all right. 539 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,200 And that's not really true, really not true. 540 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,760 I wouldn't give this talk if they were in here, 541 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,260 but this is not really true. 542 00:20:52,260 --> 00:20:53,660 It's not gonna be okay. 543 00:20:53,660 --> 00:20:55,520 We've asked them to give up the only thing 544 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,360 that at least for me, makes it tolerable to live. 545 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:03,320 And now they're gonna be like just out of their minds. 546 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,200 And so we tell them, come to a meeting. 547 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,080 We're gonna go have fellowship afterwards. 548 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,360 Call us, meet us early, stay late. 549 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,680 We try to roll them to come in so we can comfort them. 550 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:16,120 And then they're gonna talk and talk and talk and talk. 551 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:17,600 And now we're gonna listen. 552 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:19,540 Yeah, yeah, get a sponsor. 553 00:21:19,540 --> 00:21:22,120 We guide them along the way and we do that. 554 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:25,320 But I'm in this meeting Wednesday night feeling just, 555 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,880 all these people in AA are happy, happy, happy, 556 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,040 happy, happy, and I am not getting it. 557 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:31,860 And the guy gets up to the podium and he said, 558 00:21:31,860 --> 00:21:32,700 you know what? 559 00:21:32,700 --> 00:21:34,560 He goes, I'm the kind of an alcoholic. 560 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,940 You tell me, just stop drinking, everything will be okay. 561 00:21:37,940 --> 00:21:39,020 That don't work for me. 562 00:21:39,020 --> 00:21:40,800 That has never worked for me. 563 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,920 Because I stopped drinking and after a while 564 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:47,420 that tension starts to come and all that 12 year old stuff, 565 00:21:47,420 --> 00:21:50,280 is what he was saying, starts coming again. 566 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:53,240 The anxiety and the crazy thoughts and the tension 567 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:56,600 and the pressures and I just can't take it 568 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,280 and I need to take a drink. 569 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:01,820 And people don't understand, well meaning people say, 570 00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:04,480 just don't drink and everything's gonna be okay. 571 00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:08,160 He said, and it's not, and they don't get it. 572 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,760 They don't get it that alcohol does something for me 573 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,700 that makes living tolerable. 574 00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:15,920 And if you're like me and you're sitting around AA 575 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,560 for a couple of years and you're miserable, 576 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:21,640 I wanna welcome you to AA, you're my kind of an alcoholic. 577 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,680 And that guy was cleansing and I went, 578 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:26,540 oh my God, I've been in the group for two years 579 00:22:26,540 --> 00:22:30,840 and I finally heard somebody who understands my alcoholism. 580 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:34,840 And I remember and I think my sobriety started that day. 581 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,580 My shoulders relaxed and I said, I belong here. 582 00:22:38,580 --> 00:22:41,380 I thought I had to be happy 'cause I was sober 583 00:22:41,380 --> 00:22:44,140 and I was miserable being sober. 584 00:22:44,140 --> 00:22:46,840 And I thought somebody understands me 585 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,880 and it made the huge difference in my sobriety. 586 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:53,800 All of that is why I am a huge component 587 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,260 that in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, 588 00:22:56,260 --> 00:23:00,120 we talk about alcoholism and the recovery from alcoholism. 589 00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:04,240 We talk about alcohol because that identification 590 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:06,400 is what allows me to stay here. 591 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:10,060 If I didn't hear that, I'm not sure I would have ever stayed. 592 00:23:10,060 --> 00:23:12,700 I kept thinking I was doing something wrong 593 00:23:12,700 --> 00:23:15,480 and he made it and he made it understandable terms 594 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,760 that AA is a very slow, we've heard it. 595 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:22,520 It's a million dollar program and nickel at a time, right? 596 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,760 And it takes a long time to get better, right? 597 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,440 And it's because it's just not that you walk in the doors 598 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:29,840 and everything's okay. 599 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:32,380 I drink because alcohol does something for me 600 00:23:32,380 --> 00:23:34,340 that doesn't do it for anybody else. 601 00:23:34,340 --> 00:23:37,200 And my sobriety has been slow sobriety. 602 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,680 I remember I went down to talk to Clancy about something 603 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,200 that came up my sobriety and it was actually about, 604 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,000 my girlfriend said to me that you're gay 605 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,160 and I said, no, I'm not. 606 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,980 And I got really, that was a bad day. 607 00:23:47,980 --> 00:23:50,600 And I made an appointment to go see Clancy. 608 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,560 My sponsor said, why don't you go see my sponsor? 609 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,200 So I went and saw him and I told Clancy and he said, 610 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,840 you know, Robert, I don't know of anybody. 611 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,600 I said, well, I'm sleeping with men 612 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:01,200 and I'm sleeping with girls, I have girlfriends. 613 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:02,920 I've had three or four in AA already. 614 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:04,980 And he said, I don't know of anybody, Robert, 615 00:24:04,980 --> 00:24:07,120 can live in that kind of conflict 616 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:09,160 where you live in that kind of anxiety 617 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,120 and conflict all the time. 618 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,080 And he picked up a phone and he called the therapist. 619 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:14,760 And he said, I want you to go see a therapist. 620 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:16,480 I got a great therapist for you. 621 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:18,640 And, will you go? And I said, sure. 622 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,280 And I said, I thought you were against therapy. 623 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:21,420 He goes, not at all. 624 00:24:21,420 --> 00:24:23,000 I said, well, I've heard you in the podiums. 625 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,920 He goes, what you've heard me say to the new person 626 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:27,720 is come here and do AA. 627 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:30,800 Don't go to therapy 'cause a new guy will do anything 628 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,760 but the 12 steps of AA to solve his alcoholism. 629 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,480 And he said, but you've done an inventory, 630 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:37,220 you're sponsoring people, you got commitments. 631 00:24:37,220 --> 00:24:39,280 I see you in the group, I sponsor your sponsor. 632 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,620 He tells me about you, you're very involved. 633 00:24:41,620 --> 00:24:42,460 You've done the deal, 634 00:24:42,460 --> 00:24:45,000 but this is something that's not gonna get resolved. 635 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,180 You need some outside help. 636 00:24:46,180 --> 00:24:48,600 And he goes, and the book talks about seeking outside help. 637 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,440 And I went and it was very helpful, 638 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,340 but not really, it didn't solve the problem. 639 00:24:52,340 --> 00:24:54,600 What solved the problem was me taking the third step 640 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:56,080 for five years of sobriety. 641 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,240 I was in therapy for three years. 642 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:00,120 It's actually why I'm a therapist today 643 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:04,880 because I found it profoundly life-changing for me, 644 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,980 but it didn't solve the problem of me dating women 645 00:25:07,980 --> 00:25:09,280 and sleeping with men. 646 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,880 But I took a third step for when I was five years sober 647 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,080 and I gave God my life. 648 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,360 And I said, I will stop dating women. 649 00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:16,480 You direct my life. 650 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,860 I surrender myself to you 100%. 651 00:25:18,860 --> 00:25:21,680 You go, you take me where you want me to go. 652 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:23,960 I'm willing to do anything you want me to do. 653 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:25,860 And my life has never been the same. 654 00:25:25,860 --> 00:25:27,320 It's been absolutely different. 655 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:28,600 Not an easy life. 656 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,200 Not an easy life in any sense of the imagination. 657 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,280 And if I had a choice, 658 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:35,680 this is probably really controversial, not in here, 659 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,200 but it'll be out in the real world, 660 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,160 about being gay or being straight, 661 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:40,500 I take straight every time. 662 00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:41,880 It's an easier life. 663 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,520 It's an easier, easier life. 664 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:44,800 I always wanted a wife. 665 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,280 I wanted kids and it's just not in the cards. 666 00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,640 And, you know, when I was a boy, 667 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:52,480 men marrying men was not a possibility, right? 668 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:53,800 That came later on. 669 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:55,720 Well, I'm too old now to have kids 670 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:58,040 and I'm 70 years old, I'm not gonna have a kid. 671 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:01,040 But it's, for all a lot of other reasons, 672 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,840 it's a very difficult, lonely life and I wouldn't choose it. 673 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:05,840 But this is the cards that I had been dealt. 674 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:08,360 And I tried to make the best deal with God I could, 675 00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:09,720 and to have the best life I could 676 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,040 with the cards that I was dealt. 677 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,280 And sobriety has been amazing, right? 678 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,060 It's very slow. 679 00:26:15,060 --> 00:26:18,760 A lot of my character defects took a long time to go. 680 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:20,560 I have a couple minutes, so I'm gonna wrap up. 681 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,080 The light's not on just in case. 682 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:24,220 I am watching, but it's not on. 683 00:26:24,220 --> 00:26:25,600 I'm gonna stop early. 684 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:28,160 But I wanna talk a little bit about sobriety, 685 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:29,200 I think I have already, 686 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,480 about the challenges that come along your way. 687 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,720 And it's not always easy. 688 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,600 I had a lot of difficulty in the work area. 689 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,580 Very, very difficult. 690 00:26:39,580 --> 00:26:43,000 I had a boss who seemed to work against me. 691 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:44,520 They eventually fired him, 692 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,680 and they were putting me on the chopping block. 693 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:48,440 They were gonna fire me next. 694 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,520 And luckily I developed a piece of software 695 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:54,480 for the company or university that I worked for. 696 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,260 And so when they said, "We're gonna fire him, 697 00:26:57,260 --> 00:27:00,720 "and you're gonna transfer this application to your unit." 698 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,820 That unit said, "We're not taking it 699 00:27:02,820 --> 00:27:04,340 "unless you bring him with it." 700 00:27:04,340 --> 00:27:05,520 They said, "Well, we're firing him." 701 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:06,580 They said, "Then don't give us up. 702 00:27:06,580 --> 00:27:08,540 "We don't want it, 'cause we know nothing about it. 703 00:27:08,540 --> 00:27:10,860 "You're firing the only guy that has knowledge about it? 704 00:27:10,860 --> 00:27:12,120 "Does it make sense to us?" 705 00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:12,960 And they said, "We don't want him." 706 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:13,800 "We don't want him anymore." 707 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,000 So I remember my boss, they transferred me, 708 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:17,800 and my new boss said, "You know what? 709 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,320 "Apparently you're a failure." 710 00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:21,940 And he goes, "You got 12 months 711 00:27:21,940 --> 00:27:23,660 "to bring this up into production, 712 00:27:23,660 --> 00:27:25,600 "or I'm firing your ass." 713 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:27,100 And I said, "I got news for you. 714 00:27:27,100 --> 00:27:29,200 "It's not me, but I'll prove my point." 715 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:32,320 And then seven months later, I said, "I'm ready to go. 716 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,240 "I'm ready to take the university live." 717 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:35,960 And he goes, "What college?" 718 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:37,340 And I said, "All seven." 719 00:27:37,340 --> 00:27:38,920 "What? No, no, no!" 720 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:39,880 And he got all freaked out. 721 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:43,360 I said, "Ah, now who's got a little squirmish?" 722 00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:46,180 And I developed the software application, 723 00:27:46,180 --> 00:27:47,800 brought it up for the whole university, 724 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:51,060 and I had a really incredibly successful career 725 00:27:51,060 --> 00:27:52,780 in an area that I'm not trained in. 726 00:27:52,780 --> 00:27:55,500 But along the way, my boss just kept saying, 727 00:27:55,500 --> 00:27:59,160 "You're the right guy for this job." 728 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:01,120 And I remember at one point when they moved me over 729 00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:02,900 to this new department, they had said to, 730 00:28:02,900 --> 00:28:04,260 everybody in the new department said, 731 00:28:04,260 --> 00:28:06,640 "He's not gonna be our supervisor, is he?" 732 00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:08,520 And my boss said, "No, no, he's not. 733 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,720 "He's just gonna be a colleague among colleagues." 734 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:12,880 And about a year after, he said, 735 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:14,840 "Okay, you're now gonna be their supervisor." 736 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,380 And I went, "Oh." 737 00:28:16,380 --> 00:28:17,880 It was such a hard job, 738 00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:19,700 and he would give me all the hard people. 739 00:28:19,700 --> 00:28:21,960 People had gone out on stress leave. 740 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,160 He goes, "Wow, I'm making you supervise them now." 741 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:25,280 I said, "Why me?" 742 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:26,820 He goes, "You're the only one that can handle." 743 00:28:26,820 --> 00:28:29,360 And I had a really successful career. 744 00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:32,960 And it's just because, the reason I'm talking about this, 745 00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,040 I went to Armando one time, and PeopleSoft, 746 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:37,520 it was a huge software company, and they came up to me, 747 00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:38,920 and they said, "We wanna hire you, 748 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:41,400 "and we're going to offer you three times 749 00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:42,760 "what UCLA is paying you." 750 00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:45,940 I shouldn't say who I work for, but they're paying you. 751 00:28:45,940 --> 00:28:47,840 "And you're gonna travel the world. 752 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:51,020 "You will become a household name in education, 753 00:28:51,020 --> 00:28:52,040 "what we're gonna do." 754 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:54,100 And I said, I like the idea of that, right? 755 00:28:54,100 --> 00:28:54,940 Household name. 756 00:28:54,940 --> 00:28:56,460 So I went to my sponsor, and I said, 757 00:28:56,460 --> 00:28:58,200 "I think I'm going to work for PeopleSoft. 758 00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:00,040 "They're gonna pay me three times what I'm making. 759 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,960 "I'm gonna travel 50 weeks out of the year." 760 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:05,240 I said, "I'm gonna make more money than I've ever made." 761 00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:07,760 And he said, "I don't think that's a good idea. 762 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:10,340 "I'm gonna tell you not to take the job." 763 00:29:10,340 --> 00:29:14,540 "You're trying to hold me back from success!" 764 00:29:14,540 --> 00:29:18,060 And my sponsor said, and I believe in this, 765 00:29:18,060 --> 00:29:19,820 my sponsor tells me something to do it, I do it. 766 00:29:19,820 --> 00:29:21,200 I don't argue, right? 767 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:23,960 This is the closest I got to arguing with Armando. 768 00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:25,600 He said, "Robert, stay at this job." 769 00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:27,560 And I said, "Why are you trying to hold me back?" 770 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:29,200 He goes, "I'm not trying to hold you back, 771 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:31,100 "but your life is here in LA. 772 00:29:31,100 --> 00:29:33,720 "Your life is in Alcoholics Anonymous. 773 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:35,860 "You sponsor 30 guys. 774 00:29:35,860 --> 00:29:37,640 "You can't just leave them." 775 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:40,140 He said, "God will take care of you, Robert. 776 00:29:40,140 --> 00:29:41,400 "You do God's work. 777 00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:43,640 "I promise you the money will be there." 778 00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:45,600 "Armando," he said. 779 00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:47,180 So I had to tell PeopleSoft no, 780 00:29:47,180 --> 00:29:48,960 and then I just, and then I, you know, 781 00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:51,040 then I just, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 782 00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:52,720 And then my boss kept promoting me. 783 00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:54,080 Well, you know, what happened is, you know, 784 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:57,480 I had a reputation at UCLA of being a real hard-ass, 785 00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:01,460 a mean guy, and they had a going away party for me, 786 00:30:01,460 --> 00:30:04,280 and 175 people from the campus came 787 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:05,960 that have sit down lunching for me, 788 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:07,600 and they don't do this for anybody, 789 00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:09,280 and then they roasted me, right? 790 00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,800 And they had seven people get up and roast me, 791 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:14,020 and oh my God, the first person gets up and goes, 792 00:30:14,020 --> 00:30:17,320 "Well, well, well, you all don't know this, 793 00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:19,800 "but this guy's name is Mr. No. 794 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:23,180 "You call him and the first words out of his mouth were no. 795 00:30:23,180 --> 00:30:24,020 "No." 796 00:30:24,020 --> 00:30:25,640 And the whole, you know, we had a great time. 797 00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:27,800 And I had to tell 'em myself, 798 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:29,200 I had a great time in that retirement. 799 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,820 I said, "You know what, I loved working here in the end. 800 00:30:31,820 --> 00:30:33,720 "It all worked out, it was great." 801 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:38,100 And I said, "I only crossed the line one time with my boss." 802 00:30:38,100 --> 00:30:40,360 And I said, "He gave me one more thing to do." 803 00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:41,560 And my boss started laughing 804 00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:43,120 'cause he knew what I was gonna say. 805 00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:44,660 "He gave me one more thing to do." 806 00:30:44,660 --> 00:30:46,320 And I said, "I had just had it." 807 00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:47,980 It was one of those days, and I said, 808 00:30:47,980 --> 00:30:50,080 "Why don't you just stick a broom up my ass 809 00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:52,600 "and I can sweep the floor as I go around the office?" 810 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,040 And the whole room died laughing, right? 811 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:58,000 And my boss was just laughing, and he got up last. 812 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:00,200 And he goes, "Oh yeah, he said that." 813 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:01,800 That one goes, "I'll never forget it." 814 00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:04,040 He goes, "It's a great line, I'll never forget it." 815 00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:06,080 But it was very successful in my job. 816 00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:09,420 And then I also was a psychotherapist. 817 00:31:09,420 --> 00:31:11,380 And so that whole area worked out. 818 00:31:11,380 --> 00:31:14,160 My family relationships have been restored. 819 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:16,480 I played golf with my sister's husband. 820 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:19,960 A lot of good things have happened in sobriety, 821 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:22,400 but it's been very piecemeal. 822 00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:24,260 I have struggled, as we all struggle, 823 00:31:24,260 --> 00:31:26,160 with being miserly with money, 824 00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:29,020 being a pinch penny, with overspending, 825 00:31:29,020 --> 00:31:30,800 with debting, getting out of debt. 826 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:32,040 And I don't do it anymore. 827 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:33,360 I just pay the credit card off 828 00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:34,700 when it comes to the end of the month. 829 00:31:34,700 --> 00:31:36,600 I don't play that game anymore. 830 00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:37,660 I pay my taxes. 831 00:31:37,660 --> 00:31:39,680 I was just working on my taxes today, 832 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:41,480 which I didn't wanna do. 833 00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:43,560 But a beautiful Saturday, but I did them. 834 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:46,320 I go to meetings, I show up, and I say I'm gonna show up. 835 00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:48,040 I put a coat and tie on. 836 00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:51,200 I have a commitment in every meeting I go to except for one. 837 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:52,840 One night a week, I don't have a commitment. 838 00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:54,100 That's Friday night. 839 00:31:54,100 --> 00:31:56,760 My commitment, though, is to go to fellowship afterwards. 840 00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:58,960 A lot of nights, I don't wanna go to that meeting, 841 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:00,760 but I go because everyone's expecting me 842 00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:02,960 to go for fellowship, and I go to fellowship. 843 00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:04,400 So I guess I have a commitment. 844 00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:05,560 AA works for me. 845 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:08,000 AA has been the guiding force of my life. 846 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:09,400 It's given its structure. 847 00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:10,720 It's given it discipline. 848 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:13,860 It's given me a purpose for living, something I never had. 849 00:32:13,860 --> 00:32:15,800 I wanna thank you for asking me to share. 850 00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:18,420 I wanna say hello again to the group. 851 00:32:18,420 --> 00:32:19,520 I love this group. 852 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,120 It has a very, very special place in my heart, 853 00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:23,780 and I hope to see you again soon. 854 00:32:23,780 --> 00:32:24,620 Thank you.