1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,920
 Hi, my name is Ron. I'm an alcoholic, big buddy. Thank you, Nathan, for having me. I appreciate it.

2
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:11,600
 And thank you, Monty. I really enjoyed your share. That was really nice. Yeah, you seemed like a

3
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:20,800
 really nice guy. Were you that nice when you were using? Yeah, I forgot. Well, like I said,

4
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:27,760
 I'm an alcoholic, so I'm really great. I love Alcoholics Anonymous, first off. So I'm grateful,

5
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:34,560
 honored to participate in my sobriety, always. So it's a pleasure to be asked to come and

6
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:39,680
 participate in my sobriety. I'm going to try to start a little bit like what today was like,

7
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:45,440
 because I'm still not good at this, so I can get kind of jumbled in sharing. But I was thinking I

8
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:51,200
 wanted to start with today and that we share what we used to be like, what happened and what we are

9
00:00:51,200 --> 00:01:00,000
 like today. I'm going to start with today and who knows where I'll go. Oh, I'll say my sobriety date

10
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:11,680
 is September 21st, 1983. And today I got up about four in the morning, which I normally do. And I

11
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:19,680
 made a commitment at about 20 years of sobriety. I found I was having some anxiety and that I went

12
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:25,440
 through the steps looking at them to see if there was something I had missed that I wasn't doing,

13
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:30,240
 you know, that I could, a tool I could pick up, kind of look at where I was at. And I looked

14
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:38,080
 at step 10 and I thought, yeah, I continue to take personal inventory. You know, I watch my behavior

15
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:44,080
 and my motivations during the day and what I do and how I react to life or respond, whether I react

16
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:51,920
 or respond and I'm doing that. And step 12, I'll get back to 11. Step 12, I sponsor guys. I'm

17
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:58,640
 involved. I try to practice these principles in all my affairs. Step 11, sought through prayer.

18
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:05,280
 I pray. I talk to God all the time and meditation to improve my conscious contact. And I went, oh,

19
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:12,640
 I've meditated and practiced like mindfulness off and on over the years. And my sponsor meditated

20
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:18,880
 daily since I'd known him. My sponsor was a guy from Venice, Al S. And he was my sponsor my first

21
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:27,520
 35 years until he passed away. And now a guy from the Palisades, John Kimball is my sponsor. And I

22
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:33,920
 thought, you know, well, I could meditate any day like my sponsor Al. And I knew that was something

23
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:39,920
 that I could kick up and do. And so I made a commitment and then right shortly after that,

24
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:43,600
 that I made that commitment that that was something I was going to do. And it was going to

25
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:52,240
 be a daily part of my life. My friend Tony, who I love dearly, one of my dearest favorite friends

26
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:58,720
 and sponsors. I mean, to call him a sponsor is even kind of stupid because we have a, it's an

27
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:04,400
 equal relationship really. And he wanted to start a men's retreat. And I thought, ah, that's even

28
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:08,800
 perfect. Like I'm going to, I'm going to take the meditation and share that with the guys and

29
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:13,600
 meditate. It's going to be a part of it. He did the format and all, but I'm going to add meditation

30
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:18,400
 to it. We meditate before and so forth. And then I made a commitment to some friends that who asked

31
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:23,760
 me to teach them how to meditate was that I would text them in the morning, you know, after I shared

32
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:27,840
 with them how I meditate and, you know, there's many different ways. And I would share a little

33
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:33,360
 quote or in a reminder that I'm sitting here and I developed this little tagline sitting here now.

34
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:38,480
 And then something the way I, what I use in my meditation is not really a mantra, but it's called

35
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:43,520
 a sacred word and centering prayer where I say, hi, God, and how I start off my relationship. And

36
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:48,320
 then my connection and my meditation is to hang out with God for that period of my morning. And

37
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:54,960
 I send that out to when I get up at four, I send this out to my friends that live in the East coast

38
00:03:54,960 --> 00:04:00,720
 time zone that I know are up. I've got a couple sponsees that have moved to Atlanta, Charlotte,

39
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:05,840
 and stuff, and I'll send it to them. And then I'll set a timer and I sit and I meditate for

40
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:13,120
 20 minutes or more, usually a bit more. And then after that, I text another insane amount of people

41
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:19,360
 over on this coast. It's grown over 20 some years now of doing that daily. I had quite a

42
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:26,080
 few people ask me to add them and it's the whole thing takes an hour at least. So that's how I

43
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:32,400
 started my morning. And then I went to, I cleaned up, straightened up the kitchen, put away some

44
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:37,200
 dishes that were drying. I put my kid's pill out for her that she has to take every morning when

45
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:43,040
 she gets up. And I set the coffee for my wife. She likes to come out and hit the Keurig machine.

46
00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:48,160
 So her coffee comes, you know, it's just waiting for her ready. And I do have this little routine.

47
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:53,840
 I learned that from Dr. Paul. I heard him speak when I was new and he shared about how his wife

48
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:59,040
 liked her coffee, a perfect certain temperature and how he had the right size ice cube to put

49
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:04,400
 into the hot coffee so that when she woke up and he placed it next to her bed that it was ready for

50
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:10,240
 her just the way she wanted it. And this act of love and thing that he did for her stuck with me

51
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:15,360
 and that's something I incorporated in my morning routine and what I do for my wife and my daughter.

52
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:20,480
 And then I went and I drove to Radford Hall, which is over on Van Nuys Boulevard in Sherman Oaks. And

53
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:26,560
 I open up Radford on Saturday and Sunday at 6 a.m. I clean up and I straighten up and I make coffee,

54
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:32,400
 make a bunch of coffee for the first meeting that shows up at 7 30. And I set up a zoom

55
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:39,280
 and stuff for them. And then at 7 a.m. I have a meditation. And being at 7 a.m. there was four

56
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:44,480
 of us this morning that meditated. We've gotten up to eight for a little while. It was me only.

57
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:52,960
 Yeah. So anyway, so I'm grateful because that's something I have a love for spirituality. I like

58
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:58,560
 to read a lot and I love meditation. I like some of the studying things about the neuroplasticity,

59
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:05,280
 the ability of the mind to change with prayer or exercise, meditation and things. So I do that

60
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:11,280
 and it's something I give. I also start to take care of supplies at Radford Hall. So I do that.

61
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:15,600
 I have a lot of comments. I spent a lot of time there. My wife occasionally says to me,

62
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:21,200
 "Are you going back to Radford again?" My wife is not in the program. Then I left there and I went

63
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:27,200
 to this is going to who knows where this is going. I went home and discussed with my I went home and

64
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:31,760
 on the way I prayed because life is still challenging. Okay. And there's some challenges

65
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:36,320
 financially. And I've got two kids. I've got a kid who returned home after college who's living

66
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:42,480
 there for now. Maybe just for a little while. She wants to move away. But we're juggling and a 16

67
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:48,240
 year old who just got her driver's license. So all of a sudden now we have two cars for four of us

68
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:56,400
 with a lot of activities and it's been a challenge. So I went to try to purchase a car downtown Toyota

69
00:06:56,400 --> 00:07:02,880
 that had a car that my two of my wife and daughter were interested in. So I went down there but I

70
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:09,280
 could only spend an hour and a half and got just part of it solid deal going and then I had to come

71
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:16,880
 back home. I had a Zoom meeting with a college in a program in Pasadena. I'm applying for a master's

72
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:26,640
 program in marriage family therapy. I have a career that's possibly ending and I asked my family and

73
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:31,440
 friends like what do you think I ought to do or what do you see me doing? Oh you should be a

74
00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:36,160
 therapist dad and the guys I sponsor and a few and I think my kids think it because I have so

75
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:41,120
 many people calling all the time. Tony does it calls only once in a while but because he's self

76
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:47,200
 sufficient he's like great you got to have him speak here. So anyway so I started researching

77
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:52,320
 that and I'm applying at this one place and then I raced back down when that was about an hour and

78
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:59,600
 20 minutes and that went well. Oh I was saying on the way from Radford back home I had to pray

79
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:04,960
 because like I'm nervous you know that's a lot of money. My kids the insurance and you know and

80
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:10,160
 things have been tough like I said I have a career that's sort of dying. I work for a family member

81
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:16,560
 and business that's dying and so there's you know financial insecurity can raise its you know

82
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:22,080
 thoughts and but I see them and I let them go. I pray I try to like center myself and know that

83
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:27,200
 God's got me and have my faith that things have been good man. I've seen it so bad like what am

84
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:32,720
 I worried about you know man and and discuss with my wife and come out and it just went really

85
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:37,120
 smoothly and it could be I could get a little edgy sometimes you know nervous and I didn't.

86
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:42,640
 Interview went well I went back down I finished the deal bought the car credit everything was

87
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:48,480
 okay and I came home I'm gonna take my daughter down to pick it up tomorrow and oh then I went

88
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:53,920
 to pick up my daughter who was at a rehearsal for school she's in a play and went and picked her up

89
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:58,960
 and some friends and took her to a birthday party and then I went home got a snack got my coat and

90
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:03,680
 stuff and and then I went to Radford to check on a couple things make sure I had everything

91
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:08,080
 I needed there and to sit in on a six o'clock meeting for a little while because daughter is

92
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:14,160
 working daughter's at a party with friends wife's visiting mom I love AA when there's nothing to do

93
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:19,360
 I don't sit at home and isolate anymore which I did the first couple years I was afraid of people

94
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:25,040
 really afraid of people completely introverted terrified would sit at home sometimes and wait

95
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:30,480
 to the last minute to go to a meeting maybe you know I have to talk myself into it now I just

96
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:36,560
 like I'm like you know my wife says I'm going to my see my mom I'm boom I'm out you know

97
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:43,920
 which is great because you know and so that was and then I came here and then I came here

98
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:49,200
 because you know I got asked to and I do that so that was my day that's what it's like now and

99
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:54,000
 most of the day I was really pretty dang comfortable I got a little nervous sitting

100
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:58,000
 there at the table I don't like that most people don't like buying cars you know I'm not a

101
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:03,600
 grinder or anything and you know but I told him what I wanted and he pretty much said okay and

102
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:09,760
 it worked out really well as I had prayed before I thought about it going smoothly I had pre-thought

103
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:15,520
 that I'm not going to get too nervous you know I'm going to allow it to be okay I'm not going to make

104
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:20,640
 the car salesman a bad guy I had just read something a guy shared that in a spiritual

105
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:26,640
 book I was reading by this guy Ernest Holmes and and it helped me prepare and set my consciousness

106
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:31,200
 at a you know at a place where it made it much simpler than it could have been or had been in

107
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:35,120
 the past where I just would I really I would have got like oh you got to give me a better

108
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:40,080
 rail you got to do it went and it went really nicely and then I got to come here and so what

109
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:46,240
 happened to me was that okay I drank and used from the age of 13 to 24 and I grew up just down the

110
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:52,080
 street I rode up and down this street on my Schwinn bike as a kid until about the age of 13 and my

111
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:57,520
 parents got divorced and before that it was a normal valley kid I looked like is anybody old

112
00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:01,760
 enough to remember father knows best leave it to beaver that's what my house looked like that's

113
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:06,800
 what my mom and dad and my brother that's what I look like two kids you know and then it didn't

114
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:14,880
 then my mom will fling with the guy down the guy at the YMCA he looked like Jesus with long hair

115
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:20,000
 and my dad looked like father the guy in father's nose best with a suit and tie and very strict and

116
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:25,040
 then my mom's hanging out with this long-haired Jesus looking dude who teaches aerobics at the YMCA

117
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:30,960
 and I thought life was supposed to be like it went like that and I grow up I go to college

118
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:36,000
 and I wear a suit and tie like my dad but you know the truth is none of that I always always like the

119
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,800
 guys that look cool you know too and I really never liked authority I never really understood

120
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:45,040
 why my parents wanted to tell me what to do because I thought I knew best you know so I

121
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:49,920
 was never very teachable and I thought I but that was so that was like a reason to go off when they

122
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:56,880
 separated and then all of a sudden were with my mom and you know and Jesus looking dude he two

123
00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:01,840
 years into them being married he gave her an ultimatum the kids are me because we started

124
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:06,080
 getting loaded and we were a handful me and my brother I mean we were both my little brother

125
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:11,600
 started using in elementary school and like turned on the elementary school so we were a handful

126
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:19,200
 and he said that my mom told him thank god to my mom she said sorry bye yeah even we were a problem

127
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:25,120
 we were still so young you know she was not going to choose you know him over us and anyway so

128
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:30,640
 basically is that you know I saw the kids that were looking cool and when we moved out and we

129
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:35,040
 moved into apartment we were right across the street from Birmingham high school in an apartment

130
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:40,000
 on the corner of Balboa and Victory and I saw these guys drive up and I was hanging out with

131
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:44,240
 the kid who lived in that in the apartment next to me didn't know he had gotten high or anything

132
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:49,760
 but these guys drove up in a lowrider car they were older they were in high school or out they

133
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:54,720
 rolled up and I was smoking cigarettes then because I want to be cool like I said I like that cool

134
00:12:54,720 --> 00:13:00,960
 look good and they had a joint and they sang and they passed they asked hey have you guys ever

135
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:05,440
 smoked porn and this or whatever and I said of course I said yes you know because I wanted to be

136
00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:10,320
 cool I didn't want to look like a nerd or something you know and I watched what they did and I did

137
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:15,920
 what they did and you know and then shortly after that he and this kid um god I think his name was

138
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:22,320
 Ron too my next door neighbor I forgot um we had the opportunity to uh he slept over and so we

139
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:30,720
 raided my uh moms and stepdads at that time they got married their liquor and we drank and drank

140
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:38,640
 a ton like we mixed krobari wine with triple sec and everything like a bunch and like got crazy

141
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:44,320
 we were out in the pool and making havoc in the apartment and then we both got sick I threw up in

142
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:51,040
 my sleep uh and uh and I remember afterwards I went over to his house he went home went over to

143
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:55,440
 his house and he was in bed moaning and groaning and I was like when are we doing this again

144
00:13:55,440 --> 00:14:02,160
 you know and I loved it you know um you know that uh I don't know I just you know I had that we

145
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:07,360
 talk about that hole you know in our gut you know I had that something that pain that hole

146
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:12,080
 that's something that needed soothing that needed to be filled and alcohol did it for me so what

147
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:17,840
 makes an alcoholic is that alcohol does something for me that it doesn't do for the normal person

148
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:24,560
 it does it is not the best it is not my wife's best friend it is not like some incredible thing

149
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:30,320
 alcohol to me is like you know it comes first when I'm when I drink it because it does for me

150
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:36,320
 it's just magical what it did for me you know and um and so it starts that phenomenon of craving

151
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:42,000
 that the normal person doesn't have and I I just I can't live without it and to the point I get to

152
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:49,200
 where for me where it got to the point from for from 13 to 24 that I just all I did was was a

153
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:55,200
 heat-seeking missile to get alcohol before I was the age to where I could buy it to beg people to

154
00:14:55,200 --> 00:15:00,480
 steal money from my family to get alcohol get people to buy alcohol for me to drink and other

155
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:06,640
 substances you know I mentioned am I not allowed to um my first pacific group meeting I went to the

156
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:11,840
 speaker the first speaker spoke about my he mentioned marijuana and I was sort of grateful

157
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:20,800
 because it's my first I really love that heat-seeking missile you know just and you know

158
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:26,720
 I got thrown out of high school I got married and divorced at 21. I'm just trying to find anything

159
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:35,440
 I work 16 jobs walk off jobs leave at lunch and go have some drinks and a little something and

160
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:40,640
 don't want to go back go back the next day and make up a story oh I got sick I went to that

161
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:46,560
 broach coach and then I was coming back and all of a sudden I felt like tell stories make up things

162
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:52,400
 you know until the point that they're usually I quit before they I think I only got fired once

163
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:57,440
 usually I think I just quit before they fire me I'd stretch it until that point and then leave

164
00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:02,720
 and then go find something else luckily I will be somewhat bright and I was able to get jobs

165
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:08,720
 I can add and subtract like real I'm like really a whiz with numbers and I get jobs in offices

166
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:15,760
 even clerical I could do stuff like really easily and so I could get jobs and um but then I just you

167
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:22,400
 know I just the obsession the obsession I have you know the it's an allergy of the body coupled with

168
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:28,000
 an obsession of the mind you see I have a physical allergy that makes my body I physically crave but

169
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:33,680
 I have the manifest in the mind is obsession the mental obsession is craving so you know it's

170
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:38,480
 craving here in the body and craving of the mind is the mental obsession and that's just what drove

171
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:44,000
 me and to the point where I hit that place called pitiful and then pitiful where does it go again

172
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:51,520
 god I just blinked incomprehensible pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization I'm living at

173
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:56,640
 grandma's house for the second time I'm 24 I've been married and divorced already did you say you

174
00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:03,840
 were from st martin oh my first wife was from Trinidad and I got arrested for smuggling in that

175
00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:09,440
 country I almost didn't make it back that was terrifying that was bad I was on the way from

176
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:15,040
 Trinidad to Barbados and yeah that was not good um but I'll tell you a little something afterwards

177
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:22,080
 that was really cool I met somebody very famous and um and I knew so I was in the middle of a deal

178
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:29,520
 substances and had been drinking and turn up for a few days maybe and it was over in woodland hills

179
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:37,920
 I was working at a plush company toy company that sold smurfs and I sold stuff to guys there and I

180
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:44,000
 was there at a guy's house it was the shipping manager and I had procured some stuff for him and

181
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:50,400
 bought it to him and and uh and while I was there I had my spiritual awakening in the middle of this

182
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:56,080
 happenstance um it became apparent to me that if I didn't grow up I was going to die and that there

183
00:17:56,080 --> 00:18:01,840
 was something wrong with me something different from me than these even these guys who I was

184
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:08,000
 partying with that I drank and used differently than they did and um and it's something I'd been

185
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:13,600
 in for a little bit I started to hear stuff on tv I think Betty Ford might have started a year

186
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:19,440
 or two before that not long before that and I heard a little something there was a dodger player

187
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:24,560
 I love the Dodgers there was a dodger player who got in trouble with cocaine I believe or something

188
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:29,200
 but something started to creep in that there was this out there I didn't really know alcoholics

189
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:33,600
 and on a drip you know and I sat and I told these guys you know there's something wrong I just I

190
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:38,960
 can't do this anymore and they they said you know Ron you just gotta stop you know if you just did

191
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:44,960
 this a little of that you got rid of that maybe you'd be okay I said no you don't understand I

192
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:50,000
 and I I knew that if I did anything there was you know there was no little for me and I knew that

193
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:56,320
 without being introduced to any of this the disease or anything and I left and the next day I made I

194
00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:02,560
 got up and I made some phone calls and someone directed me to a psychiatrist that they their

195
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:07,920
 father had sent them to and I went to him he was in Westwood and I told him my story you know and

196
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:12,960
 I told him how I felt and I told him what had happened that night before and um and he said uh

197
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:18,400
 you're an alcoholic I believe and there's a program over at St John's hospital a chemical

198
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:26,080
 dependency unit it's a 21-day lockdown program and I think you'd best be served to go to that program

199
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:33,840
 the main thing I am grateful to this man for also is he told me that alcoholism was a lifelong

200
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:39,680
 disease and it would require of me a lifelong solution and I heard that I'd never heard really

201
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:46,880
 anything anybody tried to teach me before you know because all I heard was my disease my need to fill

202
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:53,120
 and how I the solution I had had to to get through life and my fears and everything was to put

203
00:19:53,120 --> 00:20:00,160
 alcohol and chemicals into my body and so I was unteachable and unwilling unable and not open

204
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:04,800
 minded at all to hear but I heard this man and I left there and I made some phone calls

205
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:11,440
 insurance and a family member and asked for help and I checked myself in later that evening into

206
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:17,760
 that hospital program and um and I've been sober ever since I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous

207
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:23,760
 there and introduced to the big book and what I did is I started reading that book and like I

208
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:29,520
 said I was really introverted really afraid of people but I was bright I like to read I love to

209
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:35,040
 read so you know all of us can like we can do this program with the things that work for us you know

210
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:40,480
 the way you might the strengths you have as a person and we all have strengths and weaknesses

211
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:45,680
 but you can use yours whatever way to attach to the program maybe you like and are able to be of

212
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:51,040
 service right away maybe you like to be a secretary you know you like to speak different things I like

213
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:56,720
 to read and so I read that book like three times over well in that 21 days that I was there and I

214
00:20:56,720 --> 00:21:01,200
 started doing the things that it said in there I started I worked the first step and myself I knew

215
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:05,920
 that I had already worked that first step when it said one we admitted that we were powerless over

216
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:10,400
 alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable one that's what I did when I was sitting in a room

217
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:14,560
 with those guys I had admitted there was something wrong with me I was different from you I was

218
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:19,520
 different from my fellows and then I was introduced to what that fully meant when I got by the

219
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:24,240
 counselors and the book and they had the understanding the disease of alcoholism and I

220
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:30,560
 admitted that and and then they introduced to the part of the unmanageability that was new but that

221
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:35,920
 was I'm living at grandma's house I'm married and divorced at 24. I've worked so many jobs all the

222
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:40,720
 things I thought maybe and the parents thought I could be as a kid none of that came to fruition

223
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:46,000
 because of alcohol and drugs so unmanageability okay yeah and then two came to believe that a

224
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:50,480
 power greater than myself could restore me to sanity the other thing that happened on that

225
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:56,320
 night of my awakening was that I came that I had this feeling that when I stole from my grandmother

226
00:21:56,320 --> 00:22:02,240
 when I lived with her from my dad my mom and mostly I stole I stole well I did I used to sell

227
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:06,960
 I used to sell pot to my friend who's sober now I brought him in the program and then when he went

228
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:11,840
 to school I'd call him in his window and steal it back but and I didn't make amends I just said

229
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:18,240
 sorry I just laughed about it so anyway but I mostly stole from my family and I felt bad I

230
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:23,600
 always had a conscience I was brought up with good morals and values but my alcoholism just made me

231
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:28,720
 trample right over them and go against everything I thought or knew because of this need and

232
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:33,280
 something told me if I could ever listen to my heart and if I could ever listen to my conscience

233
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:37,440
 and I could ever listen to this thing that told me there was something wrong with me that I'm

234
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:42,320
 starting to believe is how a higher power speaks to me that pulls on my heartstrings if I could

235
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:47,920
 ever listen to that instead of this obsession and this craving that I could be okay that I would be

236
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:52,800
 okay the way I was looking to be okay with drugs and alcohol to this I'm so that's how I'm restored

237
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:59,440
 to sanity I turn the direction which I'm looking for my happiness it's an inside job you know it's

238
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:04,560
 not in the drugs and alcohol it's not in the car it's not in her it's not in people places and

239
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:10,640
 things happiness is an insight it's something I have and something that I can give and it grows

240
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:15,360
 when the more I give it actually that I have within me and so step three was that I made a

241
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:20,320
 decision to turn my will and my life over to care of this that got me sober that whatever it was

242
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:24,880
 this power that reached out to me and made me feel like you could be okay you know and there's

243
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:29,840
 something wrong with you and like ask for help and made me teachable so I made my decision to do that

244
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:34,480
 and I started that through doing the third step prayer and I did that I got started getting down

245
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:39,920
 on my knees hands and uh and the knees morning and night while I was in the hospital and saying that

246
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:44,160
 prayer and I would say the prayer and then I and I think about what does that mean to turn my will

247
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:49,440
 and my life over I try to when I pray I try not to just say it I try to envision what does that

248
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:55,440
 actually mean what would it look like if I'm freed of my self-will of the bondage of self what would

249
00:23:55,440 --> 00:24:01,280
 that feel like to be free of self-concern for you know self-centeredness what would that look like

250
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:06,560
 what it would feel like how might I act differently you know how would it look like and my difficulties

251
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:12,160
 are removed to others you know so it's for a help of that I'm an example you know I could do that

252
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:17,200
 and I did that and then I started working I didn't want to take a fourth step when I got out you know

253
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:24,960
 I'm a procrastinator but I did you know luckily my sponsor said you know nobody takes a cake unless

254
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:30,080
 they've done their four step so at nine months I called him I said we got to do it next to let's

255
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:34,720
 make an appointment you know and we made an appointment for me to read my four step so two

256
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:39,440
 nights before I sat down and I wrote it and I did that and I shared it with my sponsor and what I

257
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:44,560
 got from that is after I read it to him on a beat on the beach in Venice we burned it in the trash

258
00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:49,680
 can on the beach there and he said now you're free of that stuff now you know and now you get to

259
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:54,080
 build a new life you get rid of the old stuff and now you can there's more room for your new to

260
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:58,480
 start coming in and I remember walking to a meeting called two plus two on Westwood Boulevard

261
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:03,680
 afterwards remember that one and feeling like I was a part of Alcoholics Anonymous I think because

262
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:08,880
 I took some tangible physical outward steps I've been taking inward action a lot and stuff I've

263
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:13,760
 been going to a lot of meetings I took commitments I've always had commitments and all my sobriety I

264
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:19,200
 don't think I've ever been without a commitment or two a week and I felt a part of you know and

265
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:24,240
 then I you know step six and seven I started looking full of defects you know I had a lot

266
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:29,440
 of old beliefs and you know stuff that came up in my inventory you know the insecurity around

267
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:34,400
 relationships my parents getting divorced you know but I've been able to work through those

268
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:41,360
 with the help of six and seven I went back went to some therapy for a little while one woman who

269
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:46,960
 specialized in relationships to help me with that I've been married I just shared that I have two

270
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:52,880
 kids and the thing with the wife I've been married it'll be 32 years in June which is amazing you

271
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:57,920
 know because my mom used to joke after my first divorce at 24 you're going to be married five

272
00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:03,440
 times but at the time you're 30 because any girl that will kiss me I fall in love with you know

273
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:12,080
 and I you know I cleaned up the wreckage of my past like someone you shared about it coming in

274
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:18,000
 with a lot of uh uh I had warrants out for my arrest and unpaid bills and I cleaned those up

275
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:23,520
 right away even pretty much even before I got through six and seven I did things jumped around

276
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:28,240
 I don't believe in that you have to do the steps when they kind of they go in a way but you can

277
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:34,800
 also jump around but you can start meditating uh at any time it's met newcomers have come in and

278
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:40,960
 I do the meditation saturday sunday morning seven rapture uh brand new woman sat down with me for

279
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:45,680
 20 minutes and meditate I'm gonna tell them you can't work the 11 steps no of course you can

280
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:51,760
 so I continue to take personal inventory like I shared that today I watched myself I watched for

281
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:57,200
 when I get disturbed and frustrated anxious little I get a little anxious I watch that mostly that's

282
00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:03,360
 my thing I I don't get too disturbed anymore I don't get angry really I get a little anxious

283
00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:09,200
 you know with the practice of the stuff so I watch I watch for that and I look what's causing it you

284
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:14,800
 know I question my thinking you know I question it and usually when I question it one of my favorite

285
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:19,680
 spiritual teacher says I don't let go of my thoughts I question my thoughts and they let go

286
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:24,240
 of me you see they let go of me because I show them the truth you know that the things I think

287
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:29,360
 that make me anxious aren't true I just thought they were you know so I question them like I did

288
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:35,520
 this morning the belief that like oh I'm not going to be able to do this deal well uh my wife my I

289
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:40,480
 might look bad to my wife because I didn't handle the car guy really great you know I didn't grind

290
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:47,040
 them and get like the best you know and uh and I said I those are little things that I have somehow

291
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:52,160
 one of the core beliefs was that like I can't do it or if I don't do something really well or if I

292
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:57,040
 disappoint you I'm going to lose your love if I'm not perfect you know somewhere I got that idea and

293
00:27:57,040 --> 00:28:01,520
 so I watch for those things and like I said I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my

294
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:07,440
 consciousness I look to empty myself of my self-centeredness and my self-concern and open

295
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:13,760
 myself up to my higher power each and every day and then I go out and I try to share the that with

296
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:20,240
 those in Alcoholics Anonymous and to practice those principles and all my fairs on a daily basis

297
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:26,400
 and for that and for Alcoholics Anonymous I am truly so grateful and so blessed and

298
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:30,560
 love you all thank you very much