1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,500 - Try. 2 00:00:01,500 --> 00:00:03,040 - I am Lynn, I'm an alcoholic. 3 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:06,840 My sobriety date is February 16th, 2008. 4 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:11,840 And I want to thank Kevin for asking me to fill in for him. 5 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:13,960 And, you know, I try not to say no, 6 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,480 especially if it's a friend. 7 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:20,720 And if I can help it, I try not to say no to an AA request. 8 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:23,660 But speaking's not one of my favorite things, you know. 9 00:00:23,660 --> 00:00:25,800 It's not one of my favorite things, 10 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,640 but I do it because I know it's important. 11 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:28,960 It's important for my recovery. 12 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,480 I know it's important for the new people 13 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:33,920 and we get to hear different, you know, stories. 14 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:37,460 And I think that's important for, you know, our recovery. 15 00:00:37,460 --> 00:00:39,680 So I want to welcome our new friends 16 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,720 and I don't think they did chips, 17 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,800 but I want to welcome anybody 18 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:47,440 that's new to Alcoholics Anonymous. 19 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,080 And I'll kind of just go into my story. 20 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:50,560 I'm going to go into some depth 21 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,160 'cause I know I have some time. 22 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:55,260 I don't always do that, but we'll see how it goes. 23 00:00:55,260 --> 00:00:56,720 And I see how long I can go. 24 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,440 I was born into an alcoholic family. 25 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:01,680 My mom was a real alcoholic. 26 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:04,240 My dad was into a lot of illegal stuff. 27 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:09,240 He sold drugs and he went to prison a couple of times. 28 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,640 I know at five years old, I walked home 29 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,880 and they had to pick us up and take us to my grandma's house 30 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:17,080 because they were raiding our house. 31 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:18,560 And he went to jail for that. 32 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:21,280 He was receiving stolen property. 33 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,080 And that was, he went to Wayside. 34 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,240 The next time I remember him going to prison 35 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:29,120 was in 1985, 1984. 36 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:33,000 He went to Nebraska, stole 100 pounds of marijuana, 37 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,240 thought he was going to make it rich. 38 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,260 And it's illegal to do that. 39 00:01:36,260 --> 00:01:39,800 And he did a year and a half in Nebraska State pen. 40 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:43,360 He got out in '86 and kind of just changed his life. 41 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:46,960 He was a normie after he stopped doing drugs 42 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,000 and up until his death a couple of years ago. 43 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:55,000 My mom, she was a real alcoholic, gone for days at a time. 44 00:01:55,800 --> 00:02:00,680 We stayed, we lived with my mom and she was, 45 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:01,980 she would leave for days at a time. 46 00:02:01,980 --> 00:02:04,400 She'd come back and she would either be really angry 47 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:05,800 or she would be really happy. 48 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,760 And you never knew what would tip, kick her off. 49 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:13,040 She was, can go on a rant and a rave and backhand you 50 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,880 and just do a lot of things that, 51 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,640 it's probably not appropriate. 52 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:21,000 And there was, yeah, it was pretty chaotic. 53 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,040 We'd wake up and there'd be people sleeping on her floor. 54 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:26,080 There was a lot of fighting, a lot of drinking, 55 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,160 a lot of drugs. 56 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:30,240 And honestly, when I started using at 15, 57 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:31,680 I thought that's just how you live. 58 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,320 I didn't think like, I didn't, 59 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,380 I don't think I had a lot of examples in my neighborhood 60 00:02:36,380 --> 00:02:40,940 of families that sat around the table and plan for college. 61 00:02:40,940 --> 00:02:42,560 Like that was all foreign to me. 62 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:44,640 I just thought that's how you live. 63 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,880 And 15, I remember having my first drink. 64 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:50,800 I know I started doing other things before that, 65 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,060 just like a kid does. 66 00:02:52,060 --> 00:02:55,000 But at 15, I remember taking that drink 67 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,420 and I remember how it felt. 68 00:02:56,420 --> 00:03:00,160 I remember feeling comfortable in my skin for once. 69 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:03,840 I remember not feeling socially awkward. 70 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,480 I remember just fitting in. 71 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:08,080 And I chased that for a long time. 72 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,880 I used and drank for 23 years. 73 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:11,960 I've done every drug every which way. 74 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:15,480 And I had my drugs of choice in the middle there, 75 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:16,820 alcohol speed and Xanax, 76 00:03:16,820 --> 00:03:19,440 but alcohol was there through the beginning, 77 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:22,160 the middle and the very end. 78 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,360 I only went to treatment one time and that was in 1996. 79 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:29,440 I got arrested and you know, 80 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,480 oh, and I wanna thank you for sharing your story. 81 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:32,920 I feel like you could have been this week, 82 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,400 but you were talking about, 83 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:38,000 so I went to, I got arrested for, 84 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,360 my parents had just done an intervention. 85 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:41,640 I had just, I got, 86 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,280 I went through a period where I got really sucked up 87 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,720 and I really looked death like I was dying 88 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,940 and they had an intervention and I was just thinking like, 89 00:03:50,940 --> 00:03:52,680 and I remember saying at the intervention, 90 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,580 like, how can you guys say that? 91 00:03:54,580 --> 00:03:57,320 Like you all do, you've all bought drugs from me. 92 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,080 You've all bought drugs and how are you sitting around 93 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:01,240 having an intervention? 94 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,580 But I couldn't see what they're saying is that I'm dying 95 00:04:03,580 --> 00:04:04,480 and they're functioning. 96 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,280 They're going to work and they're paying their bills 97 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,480 and I'm not. 98 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:12,280 I was never a functioning alcoholic or an addict. 99 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:15,800 I went all in and I stayed there for two decades. 100 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:20,160 But I remember coming, I was working for my dad off and on 101 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:22,280 most for about 10, 15 years. 102 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:26,020 But I remember going, I got arrested. 103 00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:29,640 I went to court for some drugs and I, 104 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,600 and the judge said, you could either go to jail 105 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,200 for nine months or you can go to treatment. 106 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:38,000 And I was so devastated and I, but I decided treatment. 107 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,820 And I remember going back to my dad's shop and saying, 108 00:04:40,820 --> 00:04:43,400 I'm crying, like, they're going to send me to treatment. 109 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,360 And I remember him like, oh really? 110 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:50,000 Like he was happy and I couldn't understand why he was happy 111 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,240 that I'm have to go to treatment. 112 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,560 But that was the one and only time that I went to treatment. 113 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:58,740 I had my son, my son was three years old at that time. 114 00:04:58,740 --> 00:05:01,560 And I went to treatment, my dad took care of my son. 115 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,800 And there was a lot of things that I heard 116 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,140 in that treatment center. 117 00:05:05,140 --> 00:05:08,560 And one of the mentors, a couple of the things they said, 118 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:09,800 they knew I wasn't ready. 119 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,000 I was court ordered. 120 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,500 I complied. 121 00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:14,400 I said that I believed in God. 122 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,800 I half-assed my steps, you know, 123 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,500 I just kind of went through the motions, 124 00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:22,360 but I remember the mentor or the guy, the owner, 125 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,560 he came up to me and he said, Lynn, when you're in trouble, 126 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:26,260 you get on your knees, you get below your ego 127 00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:27,280 and you ask God for help. 128 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,480 For some reason that stuck with me. 129 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:31,080 And I didn't even believe in God. 130 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:32,400 I was like, you're full of shit. 131 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,980 You know, I didn't, sorry. 132 00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:36,020 I didn't even believe what he was saying. 133 00:05:36,020 --> 00:05:37,160 I didn't believe anything. 134 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:40,320 I thought alcoholics anonymous are people like my mom, 135 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:41,760 not for people like me. 136 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,040 I always thought I was different. 137 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:44,160 My case is different. 138 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:46,920 But so I complied with that program. 139 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:50,220 I got out, I completed, I don't know how I did. 140 00:05:50,220 --> 00:05:52,840 I guess some things I learned, you know, 141 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:54,560 I was introduced to alcoholics anonymous. 142 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:58,520 I was taken to Pacoima group and San Fernando hall and, 143 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,600 you know, they gave me an introduction and that stuck 144 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,160 with me because I never went to treatment after that. 145 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:08,640 So three years later, you know, I was in, 146 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:11,960 I went to work and it was the 4th of July in 2000. 147 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,280 And I, it was the next day. 148 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:15,680 It was the 5th of July. 149 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:18,740 And I dropped my son off at my aunt's house. 150 00:06:18,740 --> 00:06:20,520 I went to work, I went in the bathroom. 151 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:24,120 I took a couple Xanax, I hit the speed pipe, you know, 152 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,240 and I'm thinking this is nothing's changed. 153 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:29,200 You know, I've been doing the same thing for however long. 154 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,200 And I went to my aunt's, 155 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,600 I sat there with her for probably 30, 40 minutes. 156 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,800 We were talking about him and his day and we got in the car 157 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,220 and you know, he always gave me a hard time 158 00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:39,360 about going in the back seat. 159 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:40,600 So I put him in the front seat. 160 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,820 I put our seat belts on and I drive down the street 161 00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:46,160 and I wake up in the hospital and I had hit a big rig 162 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:49,360 that was parked in like North Hollywood Burbank. 163 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,640 And I hit the back of it and I don't remember anything. 164 00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:55,960 But when I woke up, you know, my eyes were swollen shut 165 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,720 and I remember my mom standing over me and I had a catheter 166 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,600 and my face is all busted up. 167 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,880 And then I remember the preacher coming in 168 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,200 saying your son is gone. 169 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,800 And then let me just back up. 170 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,400 Five months before that I found my boyfriend 171 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,800 had committed suicide in my bathroom. 172 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:17,400 And so I was still grieving from that. 173 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,040 And I remember I went to, I was going to therapy. 174 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,460 I was going to therapy and she was like, 175 00:07:21,460 --> 00:07:24,320 you gotta watch out because you could get in accidents, 176 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:26,080 you know, or you could break a leg. 177 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:28,040 Like a lot of stuff happens 178 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,040 when you've had that kind of tragedy. 179 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,600 And I was like, oh, that's not gonna happen to me, you know. 180 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,520 And then five months later, you know, I get in my accident. 181 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:37,680 I get arrested, I go to USC. 182 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:39,640 I'm there for, I don't know, a month or so. 183 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,400 And then I go to court 184 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:45,400 and they give me six years with halftime. 185 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,640 I go to Chowchilla, I'm there for two years. 186 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:50,840 I'm out of my mind, you know, I'm lost the will to live. 187 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,720 I don't even see that purpose anymore 188 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,320 but I'm going through the motions. 189 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:58,000 I can't take my own life because of my parents 190 00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,220 and I couldn't do that to them. 191 00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:03,280 So I go to fire camp my last year, I get out in 2003. 192 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:06,480 And in my great ideas is that I could still drink 193 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:09,040 because my DUI was not alcohol. 194 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:12,240 So in my mind, I'm thinking I could still drink. 195 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:15,280 And my dad being somewhat of pretty much a normie, 196 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,880 my mom knows, you know, you can't let her do anything 197 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,360 but my dad's an enabler 198 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:21,880 and I went to go live in a guest house behind him. 199 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,960 And he was like, you know, what's the big deal? 200 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,480 She has a couple drinks and they had a party for me, 201 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,540 I drank and, you know, for six months, I was, you know, 202 00:08:29,540 --> 00:08:30,720 just tried to drink. 203 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:34,540 And that turned, just got worse and worse and worse. 204 00:08:34,540 --> 00:08:36,560 And then I went back to my drugs of choice. 205 00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:39,280 And then for the next five years, I'm off and running. 206 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:42,180 So I had two traumatic things happen, you know, 207 00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:45,840 and then that last five years, there was just, you know, 208 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:47,900 I think I was going through the motions, 209 00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:51,160 trying to find my place, find, you know, 210 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:54,040 I had no friends left, I, nobody really, 211 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:56,920 my family even kind of didn't want anything to do with me. 212 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,600 They just saw that I was still going down that road 213 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,800 after what happened, like, how can you do that? 214 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:04,260 And even though they're all addicts and alcoholics, 215 00:09:04,260 --> 00:09:06,600 I think they're very forgiving and they want to be there, 216 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,760 but it's like, they're at their wits end. 217 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,400 And I just remember just the looks, 218 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,200 I can remember the looks in my dad's face, you know, 219 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,840 and I remember the one time he's like, you're a junkie. 220 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,680 And I was like, that hurt my heart so much. 221 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:22,040 'Cause it was like, he knows, he knows, you know, 222 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,000 I always thought that I could hide it, you know. 223 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:29,000 And so right before I got sober, I met a guy and he's like, 224 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:32,920 if you want to be with me, you got to quit using drugs. 225 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,620 And he moved to Kansas, so I tried to quit the drugs 226 00:09:35,620 --> 00:09:37,720 and just drink and I moved to Kansas. 227 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,120 I put everything in storage and I went out there 228 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,760 and I tried to just drink, that didn't work. 229 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,280 Well, it worked because I just kept drinking more 230 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,120 and more and more. 231 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,100 You take away the drugs and I'm just a man, you know, 232 00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:52,000 crazy woman and I would do crazy things. 233 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,840 And my, I was angry and I was not a pretty drunk. 234 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,620 And by the time I left, the boyfriend was like, 235 00:09:58,620 --> 00:10:00,000 you got to go. 236 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,560 And that was, I can still see the look in his eyes 237 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:06,640 and I was begging him, please don't, I don't want to go back 238 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,400 and I'll go get my shit together, I'll come back. 239 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,080 And he's just like, you got to go, get. 240 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:14,280 So I ended up driving back here and, you know, 241 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,760 I tried to like manage for a couple months 242 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,440 of like couch surfing and doing these things. 243 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:23,080 And I finally ended up at a sober living in the guest house 244 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,280 and they weren't really managing the guest house. 245 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,360 So I was still drinking in there for like the first 30 days. 246 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:32,800 I was drinking in there and then, you know, 247 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,960 I had remembered about hitting your knees 248 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,880 and I was walking by the front house 249 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:40,180 and the front house had women and children sober living. 250 00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:42,220 And I was living in the guest house by myself 251 00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:44,600 and my mom, my dad owned the property, 252 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:45,840 kind of long story with that. 253 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,060 But I remember my mom telling the manager, 254 00:10:48,060 --> 00:10:50,640 just let her be, let her, you know, let her be. 255 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:52,080 And that's what I wanted, I just wanted them 256 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,400 to leave me alone, you know, whatever, let me do this. 257 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,640 You know, I thought I was righteously, that's my dad's house 258 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:02,120 you know, and so they left me alone, but I was walking by 259 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,120 and when the lady said, do you wanna go to a meeting? 260 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:04,960 And I was like, no. 261 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,560 And I'm like dying inside, like, and she's like, 262 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:10,160 I go to meetings even when I don't wanna go to meetings. 263 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,940 And for some reason that made me change my mind that day. 264 00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:16,400 And I went to the Valley Club and I remember hitting 265 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,760 my knees and crying and ask God for help. 266 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,000 I didn't know what kind of help. 267 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,460 I didn't want Alcoholics Anonymous. 268 00:11:21,460 --> 00:11:24,320 I didn't wanna stop drinking or use it or stop using. 269 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,280 I wanted to still be able to do that. 270 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,240 I just didn't wanna wanna die every day. 271 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,520 And, but I was asking for help and I didn't know 272 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,680 what the help and I remember asking my mom like, 273 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:33,760 how do you live? 274 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,280 I don't know how to live sober. 275 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,720 She's like, you follow the women of Alcoholics Anonymous. 276 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,380 And she was too close to me to try to help me 277 00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:42,760 'cause oh, I kind of left that part out. 278 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:47,280 My mom got sober in 1993. 279 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:48,480 She'd been sober ever since. 280 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:53,000 So she's got 31 years, 94, she's got 31 years sober 281 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,400 and she was an excellent example of this program. 282 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,600 And the last 13 years of me out there, 283 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:01,580 she was always trying to whisper Alcoholics Anonymous 284 00:12:01,580 --> 00:12:02,420 in my ear. 285 00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:04,760 And she would say, you have a daily reprieve, 286 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:07,040 contingent base of your spiritual condition. 287 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:08,640 And I was like, what does that mean? 288 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:09,880 Like, I don't know. 289 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,720 And she was trying to give me some direction 290 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,960 without trying to be too overbearing. 291 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,360 And, but she said, you follow the women. 292 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:18,200 And that's what I did. 293 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,400 I went to the Valley Club and I got that three o'clock 294 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,480 meeting and I think I was secretary 295 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,240 for the first two years. 296 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:30,880 I was begging God every day to take away this obsession. 297 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,740 I was hitting my knees and I was acting 298 00:12:32,740 --> 00:12:34,240 as if I believed in God. 299 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:37,480 I did not believe in God, but I was acting like I did. 300 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,540 And eventually, it just came. 301 00:12:39,540 --> 00:12:44,200 And so that first couple of years was just meetings, 302 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:47,960 two and three, sometimes four a day on the weekends. 303 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,080 I got a crappy little telemarketing job. 304 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:53,240 And I just had a routine and I just went to work. 305 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,540 I got home at 1230, I went to the meeting, 306 00:12:55,540 --> 00:12:58,640 sometimes at six o'clock and I did the same thing every day. 307 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,580 And then every day, just begging God, 308 00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:01,720 take away this obsession. 309 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,340 And I was crazy and I was crying 310 00:13:04,340 --> 00:13:06,160 and I couldn't hold my emotions. 311 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:10,080 I couldn't, I was not, I couldn't get level. 312 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,520 Sitting outside the Valley Club, I just remember crying 313 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,560 and I'm not a crier, I'm not. 314 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,520 But I needed to like let all of this out. 315 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,080 I've been holding it for so long. 316 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:22,260 And I remember looking for a sponsor, I finally found a lady 317 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:26,120 and I was so desperate to not feel that way anymore. 318 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:29,280 And I was so miserable and my head wouldn't shut up. 319 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,080 And I would listen to Eckhart Tolle CDs at night 320 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,240 to try to quiet my mind and meditate 321 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,660 and just trying to do all this stuff 322 00:13:35,660 --> 00:13:36,760 and trying to go to sleep 323 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,400 'cause I couldn't sleep for a long time. 324 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,000 And then, so I found this lady, 325 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,440 she took me through the steps 326 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,800 and each step was giving me relief. 327 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,960 I had been around my mom long enough to know 328 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,560 that the 12 steps were important, that God was important, 329 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:53,560 that these things were important for me to work my program. 330 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,220 I, and I just, like I said, 331 00:13:55,220 --> 00:13:56,960 I pretended like I knew what I was doing. 332 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,260 I followed other women. 333 00:13:58,260 --> 00:14:00,400 I pretended like if they were laughing, 334 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:01,920 I was laughing that whole thing. 335 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,600 That was true for me too, you know? 336 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:07,080 And so every day I was calling her. 337 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,600 I, okay, I did my step one, what's next? 338 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:10,680 Every day, what's next? 339 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:11,520 What's next? 340 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,160 And you know, she was the kind of sponsor 341 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:14,780 that didn't sit down with me and read. 342 00:14:14,780 --> 00:14:17,280 And I definitely needed more than that, 343 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,680 but I did my steps to the best of my ability. 344 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,600 She gave me the books, I'd do the steps. 345 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,240 And I was like, well, I don't even know what I'm doing. 346 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,520 It's like Spanish to me, but she got me through 347 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:28,080 and we did all 12 steps 348 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,860 and I was still just as crazy as I was before. 349 00:14:30,860 --> 00:14:33,040 And you know, take away the drugs and alcohol, 350 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,960 I'm still just a mess, you know? 351 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:38,080 So the first two years I was in a paralyzing fear, 352 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:41,800 I felt like I was debilitatingly scared, you know? 353 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,520 And, but I would go to that meeting 354 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:46,480 and I stayed in my little safe bubble 355 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,600 and to the meeting to work back, 356 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:49,960 to the meeting to work back. 357 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,920 I started managing that sober living, 358 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,320 which I don't even know how people stayed sober. 359 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:58,920 I was so crazy, but I'm still there today. 360 00:14:58,920 --> 00:14:59,880 You know, go figure. 361 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:03,980 But, so every day I'm like just one day at a time, 362 00:15:03,980 --> 00:15:06,040 one minute at a time, one second at a time. 363 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,800 And that turned into six months. 364 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,120 And I remember coming home from my sponsor's house. 365 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,680 We had just finished the fifth step 366 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,440 'cause every day I'm calling her, what's next? 367 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:15,280 What's next? 368 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:16,800 And I did it to the best of my ability. 369 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,600 And coming home from her house, 370 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:22,080 and I remember like, wow, I'm really doing this. 371 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,220 Like I could never stay sober unless I was in prison. 372 00:15:25,220 --> 00:15:27,680 I could never, I never get one day, 373 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,120 three minutes or anything. 374 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,880 And I remember like, oh wow, it's like coming, you know? 375 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,200 And I feel good. 376 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,460 And at some point I wanted to be sober 377 00:15:35,460 --> 00:15:36,840 more than I wanted to be loaded. 378 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,340 And that was a miracle. 379 00:15:38,340 --> 00:15:40,880 That when they say don't leave before the miracle, 380 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:42,760 the miracle's when your obsession is lifted. 381 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:46,160 I got invited to Joe Gomez's book study. 382 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,320 If anybody knows, he was an old timer with a lot of years. 383 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:50,680 And if you know him, you know him. 384 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:54,360 And I got to go to his book study for like a year 385 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:56,440 of just solid reading that book. 386 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,920 I met my second sponsor when I was year and a half, 387 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:00,880 almost two years. 388 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:04,000 And I was crying once again at a meeting and you know, 389 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,100 and she was like, why don't you let me sponsor you? 390 00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:08,080 And her name was Jackie McIntyre. 391 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:11,000 She died with 35 years sober. 392 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,960 She just passed away maybe two years ago now. 393 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,200 But I stayed with her. 394 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,720 She was my sponsor for 13 years. 395 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,320 She taught me the big book. 396 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,040 She gave me a working knowledge 397 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,680 to be able to take other women through the steps. 398 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:28,480 And that first year I got enough to get to a year and a half 399 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,500 but at two years I needed more. 400 00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:33,720 And I also remember going to, 401 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:37,080 I went to Gloria Montgomery's house for, 402 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,840 we used to go to a meeting over there once a week 403 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:39,880 and I was crying over there. 404 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,080 And she's like, you know, 405 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,040 there's no growth in guilt and shame. 406 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:47,160 And for some reason that made me start changing the way I, 407 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,800 I started to share my son's story 408 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,140 and it started to feel, you know, take a relief. 409 00:16:52,140 --> 00:16:53,600 I could say it without crying. 410 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:56,220 I could say it without it breaking me down. 411 00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:59,540 And so, so yeah, all of those. 412 00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,660 And then Jackie McIntyre and she stayed, 413 00:17:01,660 --> 00:17:03,200 I stayed with her for 13 years. 414 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:07,400 She, we did workshops on Drop the Rock and Back to Basics 415 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,080 and the big book, the 12 and 12, all kinds of 416 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:11,800 Joe and Charlie CDs. 417 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,500 We did a workshop for years and years 418 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:16,840 and I would go to women's, the women to women retreats 419 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:20,440 and the spirit retreat and, you know, two retreats a year. 420 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,720 And I got to go with my mom to the women to women retreat. 421 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:26,960 And, you know, I got to make amends to my family. 422 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,680 And I have one cousin that didn't go so well. 423 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,240 He still blamed me. 424 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:35,060 We used to get loaded together and I got sober and he didn't. 425 00:17:35,060 --> 00:17:37,260 I think he got mad about that. 426 00:17:37,260 --> 00:17:40,360 He would definitely, you know, take me back to that place 427 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,400 at any moment, but all my other amends went well 428 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,220 and I got to make every amends every which way 429 00:17:46,220 --> 00:17:48,140 over this last 17 years. 430 00:17:48,140 --> 00:17:52,320 And, you know, my mom, there was a lot of childhood trauma 431 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:56,360 and I blamed her and I blamed her for a long time. 432 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:59,960 But through the process of especially us having 433 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,520 this connection, 'cause we have family, 434 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:05,880 but some of them just stopped, but we're in the 12 steps. 435 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,020 And so we have that connection. 436 00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:10,100 We have a way better relationship than we ever had 437 00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:14,460 in my life since she lives almost directly behind me 438 00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:15,600 on the street behind me. 439 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,840 And so we live close and we have a really good relationship. 440 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:22,880 But I remember blaming her and my sponsor telling me like, 441 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,480 you know, you have to look at her life. 442 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,800 And I started to examine her life 443 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,040 and she had a really, really hard life. 444 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:33,400 Her mom abandoned her for, I don't know, 10 years 445 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,640 with her grandparents and they abused her. 446 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,400 And her uncles abused her. 447 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:40,200 And, you know, like who, she didn't have the tools. 448 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,560 She did the best she could with what she had. 449 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:46,020 And it started to make me be able to forgive 450 00:18:46,020 --> 00:18:47,520 and not hold that grudge. 451 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,560 And then my dad, so I said he owned the property 452 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,040 at that sober living. 453 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:56,560 And, you know, I got to make every amends to him possible. 454 00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:00,560 And I try to the last 17 years not ask my parents 455 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,560 for a thing because they did so much for me out there. 456 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,040 And, you know, I put them through a lot. 457 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,440 So I always try to ask them, what can I do for you? 458 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,000 I try to be of service whenever I was with them. 459 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:15,480 And so my dad shared this that my dad died 460 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:19,720 two and a half years ago and I got to stop my life 461 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:24,280 and I got to go there and stay with him by his bedside 462 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,360 for the last three weeks of his life. 463 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:28,160 And, you know, just comfort him. 464 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:31,760 And in that three weeks, there was times that he was 465 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:33,340 on oxygen that he couldn't speak. 466 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,800 And I just sat there with him, me and my sister. 467 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,200 But there was times that he could and he got to, 468 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,340 we got to say everything that wasn't said. 469 00:19:41,340 --> 00:19:44,720 There was nothing left unsaid with my father. 470 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,760 And there was some things that happened to me as a child 471 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,080 that he, that was his friend's son. 472 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:53,680 And when I told him back when I was in that treatment center, 473 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,560 I told him and he kind of dismissed it. 474 00:19:56,560 --> 00:20:00,600 And he, I don't know if he dismissed it, he was a good dad. 475 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,640 He, I don't, I think he just didn't know how to acknowledge 476 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:07,440 it and he was probably couldn't protect his daughter. 477 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,760 And that was his baby, you know, at five years old. 478 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:13,560 Like, and so I don't know what his thinking was, 479 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:16,560 but he brought that up and we got to talk about that. 480 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:18,720 And that was a lot of healing there. 481 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,100 And that was really the only thing I could ever say 482 00:20:21,100 --> 00:20:24,840 about my dad and our relationship that hurt me the most 483 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:29,100 because we were always so close and that always bothered me, 484 00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:31,520 you know, but I never said anything. 485 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,760 But we got to talk about that and I got to make, 486 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:35,880 like I said, every man's possible. 487 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:40,520 So, you know, over the last 17 years, 488 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,420 so much has happened, you know, it's not always easy. 489 00:20:43,420 --> 00:20:46,920 And if you have any significant amount of time, you know, 490 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:50,720 that life happens, you know, we get jobs, we lose jobs, 491 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:54,320 we lose family, we lose our parents, 492 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,260 we lose people to addiction. 493 00:20:56,260 --> 00:20:59,360 We, you know, I've been working in treatment 494 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:01,980 for some time now and in the sober living, 495 00:21:01,980 --> 00:21:03,700 and I've seen a lot of people die. 496 00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:06,340 And I think I'm a lot harder. 497 00:21:06,340 --> 00:21:08,680 I'm not as sensitive to it anymore. 498 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,040 It's almost like I remember an old timer telling me 499 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:14,400 a long time ago, like, don't be surprised when they relapse, 500 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,400 like be surprised when they stay sober. 501 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,240 And so that's kind of my mindset is like, yeah, 502 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:21,640 when they stay sober and they're doing the work 503 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:25,120 because we see, you know, I'm sure you all see, 504 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:27,660 like people around us that are just on the sidelines. 505 00:21:27,660 --> 00:21:30,120 They're just here to get their court card. 506 00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,480 They're here because their parents, 507 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,400 they're here because their kids won't talk to them, 508 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,960 whatever the reason, you know, 509 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,840 but it's the ones that take the action. 510 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,360 It's not for people who need it, it's for people who do it. 511 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,200 You know, it's obviously for people who want it, 512 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,320 but if you want it and you don't do it, 513 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,680 that's, we're not gonna stay, you know. 514 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,920 So I remember sitting at my sister's shop, 515 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:50,320 I got to make amends to her. 516 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,800 She had an appliance store and I, for seven years, 517 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:57,120 I went to her shop and I worked for her for two hours, 518 00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:58,320 two or three hours a day, 519 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,640 once a week for seven years for free. 520 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,880 And I did that as one of my amends to her 521 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:04,360 because I put her through a lot. 522 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:06,760 And then I gave her a dog and I said, 523 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,160 this is our final amends. 524 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,200 The dog she fell in love with, it was my dog, 525 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,160 but she fell in love with him, a little puppy. 526 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:16,560 So, and you know, I just try to even the playing field 527 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,560 or try to do my best, not that it'll ever be even, 528 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,540 but I try to do my best to even the playing field 529 00:22:22,540 --> 00:22:25,480 with my family, try not to cause damage. 530 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,200 Although I still do, you know, every once in a while 531 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:31,360 I have character defects and you know, they never go away, 532 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:35,140 but you know, we just, we tame them, I guess. 533 00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:38,440 We ask God to remove them and sometimes he does. 534 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:41,400 And sometimes those defects turn into assets. 535 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,660 And sometimes we hold on to them for a little while 536 00:22:43,660 --> 00:22:46,920 until they cause us enough pain until we ask God 537 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,920 and he sees fit that it's time to remove them. 538 00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:52,520 And you know, and some I've just sat on, you know, 539 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:55,560 for all this time, I get to sponsor women today. 540 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,600 The gift that Jackie McIntyre gave me was the gift 541 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:02,160 to take other women through these steps and this process. 542 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:06,080 And, you know, that sober living, 543 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,040 I have a manager that works there 544 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:10,420 and I kind of just oversee it. 545 00:23:10,420 --> 00:23:13,160 And I guess you call it a director, owner, operator, 546 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:15,120 you know, who would have thought, you know, 547 00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:17,520 that I would have been able to stay sober this long 548 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:18,820 to be able to do that. 549 00:23:18,820 --> 00:23:20,000 What else, you know, 550 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,920 I had a crappy little telemarketing job, 551 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,840 that crappy little telemarketing job 552 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,960 when I was six years sober. 553 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,200 He gave me an office, he gave me a salary, 554 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,760 he gave me medical and then go figure, 555 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:36,300 you know, at a telemarketing. 556 00:23:36,300 --> 00:23:38,120 But I was obviously a good employee. 557 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:41,680 So for that last six years, so I was there 12 years, 558 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:43,520 I had my own office, I had it pretty good. 559 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,320 And I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere 560 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:47,600 and I kind of put off going to school and you know, 561 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:51,200 and then COVID hit and then we got laid off. 562 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,680 I went back to school, I got my GED 563 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:56,720 and then I started Pierce and I'm almost done with Pierce. 564 00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,760 I've been in school part-time, 565 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:02,200 the last almost five years, four, five years. 566 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:05,520 And, you know, like this girl is not recognizable 567 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,160 from the person who came in. 568 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:09,720 I remember being scared as hell going back to school. 569 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,340 I always thought that I couldn't learn. 570 00:24:11,340 --> 00:24:15,280 I thought that I had maybe had a learning disability 571 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:16,440 because I never tried. 572 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,440 I never tried, I always had Ds in school 573 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,600 and I stopped going really in 10th grade 574 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:23,740 and never went back 'cause I found, you know, 575 00:24:23,740 --> 00:24:27,000 drugs and alcohol and just, you know, full force into that 576 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,720 and never had a need to go back to school. 577 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,800 And, you know, my dad got to see all that too, you know. 578 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:37,800 He had 15 years of a sober daughter, you know, 579 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,840 and that's the same with my mom. 580 00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:42,200 She got 15 years of a sober daughter. 581 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:43,720 That's a lifetime. 582 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:47,040 I think my next goal is like having 23 years 583 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:48,680 'cause that's how long I used to drink. 584 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,720 It's like, if I can get to 23 years, 585 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:54,080 I feel like that's, at least we're, you know, 586 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,580 making some improvements, you know, for my life. 587 00:24:56,580 --> 00:24:59,520 And I don't ever, I don't wanna die drunk and loaded. 588 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:03,320 I have so many family members that have never seen me high 589 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:05,840 and, you know, nieces and nephews 590 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,200 that don't know that person. 591 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:09,880 And then I have some nieces and nephews 592 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,300 that are a lot older and they've seen that person. 593 00:25:12,300 --> 00:25:15,320 And, you know, that's my gift to my families, you know, 594 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:17,520 having that living amends. 595 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:20,700 You know, the 12 steps changed my life. 596 00:25:20,700 --> 00:25:23,800 My, I got to clean my side of the street. 597 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,760 I got to build a relationship with God 598 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:28,640 that's definitely changed over the years. 599 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,540 And, you know, I wouldn't say it's a religious God, 600 00:25:30,540 --> 00:25:32,400 it's definitely spiritual. 601 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:36,520 But, and I get to carry the message to other alcoholics 602 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:37,920 and be of service. 603 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,540 You know, I've done a lot of community events 604 00:25:40,540 --> 00:25:43,960 and a lot of things to be of service in the community. 605 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:48,000 And I got to go to the high school 606 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:51,300 and I can't remember Burroughs High School. 607 00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:56,000 And I told my son's story in front of 1900 kids, you know, 608 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:58,320 at a every 15 minute event. 609 00:25:58,320 --> 00:25:59,640 And if you don't know what that is, 610 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:04,200 it's somebody is dies or is in an accident 611 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:07,400 or gets hurt in an accident every 15 minutes 612 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:08,620 under the influence. 613 00:26:08,620 --> 00:26:13,560 And, you know, just try to do my best to be a good citizen. 614 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:17,360 And, you know, I pay my bills and I got good credit 615 00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:21,960 and I pay my insurance and I'm gonna wrap it up. 616 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:26,360 But, you know, this program has definitely given me a life 617 00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:28,520 beyond what, what did they say? 618 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:30,360 If you, you'll shortchange yourself. 619 00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:32,720 If you, if I would have thought, if I would have, 620 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,160 if I would have got what I wanted, 621 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:36,400 what I thought I wanted when I got here, 622 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:38,280 I would have definitely shortchanged myself 623 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:41,720 because I've gotten way more than I could ever, you know, 624 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:43,480 what did they say to, you know, 625 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:46,520 I thank God I didn't get what I deserved, you know? 626 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:50,520 And so God has, through his grace and his mercy 627 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:54,040 has given me a life that I don't deserve, you know? 628 00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:55,560 So I don't wanna let him down. 629 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:59,180 But anyway, I hope I didn't go on too long 630 00:26:59,180 --> 00:27:02,400 or I didn't, I hope you guys got something out of that. 631 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:03,520 And I wanna appreciate, 632 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,480 I wanna say thank you again for having me. 633 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:08,520 And yeah, thanks a lot. 634 00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:10,240 - Good night, (indistinct) 635 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:12,760 - Good night. - Thank you so much. 636 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:14,600 Great meeting, bye-bye.