1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,000
 Nate needs some tissues, if that's okay.

2
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:04,000
 Oh, they're right here.

3
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,000
 Yeah, I'm sorry.

4
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,000
 Oh, there's so many here too.

5
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:07,000
 I would assume.

6
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,000
 Yeah, give me the little box.

7
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,000
 Okay.

8
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,000
 Thank you.

9
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:13,400
 My name is Tina and I'm an alcoholic.

10
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:17,520
 It's an honor, as Scott said, it's an honor and a privilege to be in a room with Recovering

11
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:18,520
 Alcoholics.

12
00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:20,920
 You know, and I'm really pleased to be here tonight.

13
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:23,440
 Nate, thank you for asking me to share.

14
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:29,800
 I respect and appreciate your patience and tenacity very much and glad to be here tonight.

15
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,560
 What it was like, what happened and what it's like now.

16
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:36,560
 Oh, sorry, I'm not used to wearing a negative, my face is doing it.

17
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:37,760
 So there we go.

18
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:43,400
 I remember, first of all, my sobriety date is May 13th of 1991, been around for a while

19
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:49,080
 and very grateful for that, you know, but I realized that today, today is the day that

20
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,820
 I need to concentrate on and put my energies into.

21
00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:53,840
 So it's one day at a time.

22
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:55,340
 Alcoholism ran in my family.

23
00:00:55,340 --> 00:00:58,480
 My dad was the alcoholic, my mother was the untreated Al-Anon.

24
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:03,280
 Oh, Tom started to feel the drink and she'd push it away and there's more for me, you

25
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:04,280
 know.

26
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:07,040
 So I always thought that drinking was acceptable.

27
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:13,320
 I thought it was a part of the party, you know, and my parents were entertainers.

28
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:18,920
 And my dad called himself a vocal musician, professional singer, my mother retired from

29
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:24,560
 that she had kids to concentrate on having a family, raising a family, but I still learn

30
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:30,040
 some crazy behavior from her as well, untreated Al-Anon she was.

31
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:31,640
 My dad would come home from work.

32
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,320
 The first thing he would do, he'd kiss my mother.

33
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:34,320
 Hello.

34
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,500
 He'd go straight to the liquor cabinet for himself.

35
00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:37,680
 He had, what is it?

36
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:42,600
 Early times or something of that brown liquor that was gross, but not my, not my thing.

37
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:46,560
 And he would make a picture of martinis or margaritas, you know, my mother would have

38
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:50,440
 her sips and some of the neighbors would come over and the party would be on.

39
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:56,080
 So I associated drinking and alcohol and any other substance abuse that came up within

40
00:01:56,080 --> 00:02:00,840
 my career of using as a party, as a good time.

41
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:02,240
 It was always fun.

42
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:06,120
 And like you said, we got to the turning point when it stopped where it turned on me and

43
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:11,160
 it became a full time job that I had to pay to do, which was, that was crazy.

44
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,680
 But anyway, I remember, or I was told, well, I kind of remember this.

45
00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:18,300
 The first time I got drunk, I was four and we went to a company picnic.

46
00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:23,120
 The after SAG union gave them to, it was an apart, not far from here.

47
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:27,800
 And I went around with my sippy cup and I was like, Oh, let's give her a little taste

48
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:31,160
 of Schlitz or Pabst blue ribbon beer.

49
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:32,920
 That's how long ago that was.

50
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,520
 And of course I'm only about three feet tall.

51
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:39,200
 I don't know how much I weighed, but I was just a little four year old and it didn't

52
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,600
 take long for those sips of the sippy cup to get me hammered.

53
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:47,720
 And I came back to the, finally came staggered back to the blanket where my mother was and

54
00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:48,980
 I couldn't hold my head up.

55
00:02:48,980 --> 00:02:52,080
 And my mother's like, Oh, Tom, something's wrong with Tina's neck.

56
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:57,940
 Well, the professional alcoholic that he was, he came over and he goes, Oh, it's okay.

57
00:02:57,940 --> 00:02:58,940
 She's just drunk.

58
00:02:58,940 --> 00:03:00,200
 Let her lay down and sleep it off.

59
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,680
 My mother was mortified, but that was just, that was the beginning.

60
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:07,640
 And then fast forward, I come into AA and I read in the doctor's opinion that men and

61
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:12,760
 women and apparently four year olds drink because they like the effect produced by alcohol.

62
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,880
 I love the effect produced by alcohol, you know?

63
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:22,440
 And I remember continuing to, you know, hold my cup out my glass out when I was too young

64
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,680
 to get my own adult serving.

65
00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:29,080
 It was my grandmother's what was it she drew vodka gimlets.

66
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:34,080
 I liked the taste of those, my grandfather's beer, and then my dad would give me sips of

67
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:38,960
 little things here and there, you know, so I couldn't wait until I could get my own adult

68
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,800
 size serving of alcohol.

69
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:42,800
 And that happened.

70
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,440
 I was still living at home.

71
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:49,480
 I would, I'd go out to the bars with my older brothers, just my mother and my dad, my older

72
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,000
 brother and myself that composed of our family.

73
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:58,280
 And we would go out to the bars, we'd go out to the Black Angus and to Stuart Anderson's

74
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:03,280
 Black Angus and all these other bars, Jeremiah's over on Parthenia, all these places that were

75
00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:07,920
 within stumbling distance of where we parked our cars and get hammered.

76
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,080
 And my brother wasn't very careful.

77
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:14,200
 He would, we would drive, I would drive separately and he would drive separately and we'd meet

78
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:18,960
 there and he would be, I remember one time, let me back up, we were driving back down

79
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:24,680
 Parthenia, a stretch of Parthenia between like Lindley and Balboa where there's not

80
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:28,600
 a lot of, it's all houses, not a lot of businesses and not a lot of lights.

81
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:33,240
 And he was literally going from one curb to the other, to the other and I'm like, dude,

82
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:34,240
 you need to pull over.

83
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:39,240
 We finally made it home, you know, and I made him a hose, I made him a pillow with a garden

84
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:42,320
 hose on the front so he could sleep it off.

85
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:47,040
 And so consequently he got pulled over and I didn't get pulled over by the police.

86
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:51,600
 He got pulled over and got the, the get well card, the card, the court card that you have

87
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:52,600
 to have signed.

88
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:57,160
 And I remember going to a meeting with him early on and this was one of the meetings

89
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,680
 up by Balboa and Plummer.

90
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:05,240
 And we went in there and I remember looking around, all these poor people, they just wasting

91
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:10,360
 their Saturday, Friday night or Saturday night sitting in here, actually looked happy, but

92
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:13,000
 I wasn't seeing that part of it, you know?

93
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,000
 And I was so busy.

94
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:18,320
 I was thinking I got to go out to the bathroom and pack my nose, you know, or whatever we

95
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:19,320
 were doing.

96
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:23,360
 And of course we were ready to go as soon as the meeting was over and the secretary

97
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:28,020
 made it very clear, we will not sign your card until the meeting is over.

98
00:05:28,020 --> 00:05:29,960
 So we stayed there through the whole meeting.

99
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:35,400
 I sat so close to the door, it was practically sitting outside the room and I just, I didn't

100
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,400
 get it.

101
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:37,400
 I didn't hear any of the recovery.

102
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,300
 I didn't hear anything that was being said there.

103
00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:40,640
 I wasn't ready yet.

104
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:45,800
 I was too busy, still chasing the buzz and liking the effect produced by Alpha.

105
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:48,680
 And that was my first experience in an AA meeting.

106
00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:56,200
 And I was engaging in activities and that most normal, clear-headed thinking women would

107
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:59,120
 not even consider doing.

108
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,560
 I would put myself in situations that were so dangerous.

109
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:03,560
 I don't know.

110
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,880
 I mean, I'm really lucky that I lived to talk about it, you know, and I remember finally

111
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:12,000
 I got arrested for doing one of these behaviors, one of these things to get the money, to get

112
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,360
 the drugs, to get the alcohol, whatever.

113
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:19,400
 If the guy that stopped me had the drugs and the alcohol, it was one less step I had to

114
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,040
 take, you know, but mainly it was just getting the money.

115
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:28,000
 And I got arrested for that, went to Van Nuys jail and spent five days at Van Nuys jail

116
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:33,760
 eating cardboard food and got out, went to court and he said, okay, your first offense,

117
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,100
 time served, you're on one year probation.

118
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:37,280
 That didn't slow me down.

119
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:38,280
 Excuse me.

120
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,440
 That didn't slow me down.

121
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:44,780
 I went right back out there and continued the same thing, you know, and they say that

122
00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:47,800
 this disease gets progressive, it's progressive.

123
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:52,000
 So I had ramped up the pace and I was out there ripping and running and, and just going

124
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,000
 crazy.

125
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,520
 And I was out in an area, really bad area.

126
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:59,120
 I got arrested one more time for the same thing.

127
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,080
 I just was, Oh, I was just careless.

128
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:02,080
 I was reckless.

129
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:07,600
 I wasn't the invention violated probation by one day took me to jail, second offense

130
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:12,480
 and went down to Sybil brand and served 36 days out of 60 day sentence sitting in nine

131
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:13,480
 upper bunk.

132
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:14,480
 And I'm sitting there going, wow.

133
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:15,480
 Is it come to this?

134
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:16,480
 I can't believe it.

135
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:21,320
 I had a quick moment of clarity or a quick moment of thinking, I think I need to do something

136
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:22,320
 different.

137
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:25,080
 But when I finally got out of jail, it didn't slow me down.

138
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,680
 I went right back out to rip it and run out again.

139
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,600
 You know, it just was so crazy.

140
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:30,600
 Finally I came home.

141
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:35,600
 I was living at my parents' house and I came home one night or one afternoon and my key

142
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,960
 didn't fit in the door and my dad came to the door and he said, you can't live here

143
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:39,960
 anymore.

144
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:40,960
 So I said, why, what's wrong?

145
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,720
 And he says, you took me outside to the curb, to the curb.

146
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:47,360
 And he said, your mother and I think you have a problem with alcohol and drugs.

147
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:50,520
 I said, yeah, I keep running out.

148
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:54,120
 And I knew, I knew deep down that there was a problem.

149
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:57,240
 Nate, can you hand me my bottle of water?

150
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,240
 Thank you.

151
00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,240
 And I knew that there was a problem.

152
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:00,240
 I knew deep down that there was a problem.

153
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:02,160
 I didn't know how to change it.

154
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:03,160
 I had no clue.

155
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:04,160
 Excuse me.

156
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:07,000
 And my dad said, if you want to come in here and sleep this off, the only way we'll let

157
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:12,680
 you in is if you agree to go to the employee assistance program and meet with the director

158
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:18,000
 of my union and talk to him about getting a bed and a recovery home.

159
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:19,880
 My life is going to be completely different.

160
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,500
 Well, it needed to be different.

161
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,160
 It needed to change.

162
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:24,740
 And I agreed to do that.

163
00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:29,240
 And the next morning we woke up and we drove down to the, the, the union hall and I met

164
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:32,720
 at the wound and he kept on asking me, he was so patient.

165
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:37,640
 He was so patient and kind being his assistant Lee and they, they kept on asking me, Tina,

166
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:38,640
 are you an alcoholic?

167
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:39,880
 I'm like, you're not paying attention.

168
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,600
 I'm addicted to crack and they need to learn how to drink, right?

169
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:43,600
 No, no, no.

170
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,120
 Let's just, just talk about it a little bit more.

171
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:49,760
 And they were so patient and kind and finally I said, the light bulb, I think my light bulb

172
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:55,520
 in my head that turns on ideas is an energy site saver both really dim.

173
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,920
 Then all of a sudden I'm like, I need to tell these people that I'm an alcoholic in order

174
00:08:58,920 --> 00:08:59,920
 to get this bed.

175
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:02,960
 And I hesitantly said, yeah, Tina, I'm an alcoholic.

176
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:07,080
 Something deep inside me knew that that was something I was going to say repeatedly for

177
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:10,560
 a long time and that it was going to be healing and helpful.

178
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,280
 But at that moment it was just really humiliating.

179
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:17,600
 And he said, okay, well he got me a bed at friendly house down at fourth and Normandy,

180
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:18,600
 which is crazy.

181
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,760
 It was right around the corner from the dealers, you know, and I thought, what can I do down

182
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:22,760
 here?

183
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,760
 Tie me to the bed for God's sakes.

184
00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:28,960
 You know, I stayed in that recovery home for the full 60 day term, they had a mandatory

185
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:33,640
 meeting for the residents on a Friday night and we went out to the Plymouth Wilshire meeting.

186
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,960
 I don't even know if that meeting is still, it's down in LA.

187
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:42,240
 We went there on a Saturday night, but the Friday night meeting mandatory for the residents.

188
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:43,240
 I sat in that meeting.

189
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:48,200
 So the first meeting where I really heard the message and there were all the residents

190
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:53,040
 of the house and a couple of women that came in who were previous residents and they told

191
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,040
 my story.

192
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:58,720
 And when we finally stood, and my mouth was hanging open, you know, and we finally stood

193
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,800
 up and said the Lord's prayer, keep coming back.

194
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:03,600
 It works if you work it.

195
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,280
 And I started to cry.

196
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:11,300
 And at that moment, I knew that I had conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic

197
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:12,440
 and there was no turning back.

198
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:13,440
 There was no change.

199
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,480
 Like I said, I stayed in that recovery home for the full 60 days.

200
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:22,640
 I got out, started going to meetings all over the San Fernando Valley.

201
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:23,640
 Wasn't willing.

202
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,040
 I was working with a sponsor of wasn't willing to do steps.

203
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:30,880
 I just thought I would get this through osmosis, showing up and suiting up and showing up and

204
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:31,880
 being in meetings.

205
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:38,240
 And at nine months sober, I had this novel idea to go down to the hood where I used to

206
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:43,200
 use a drink and show them what a nine month shift looks like nine months sober.

207
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,060
 You know, that's like trying to cut down a tree with two broken arms.

208
00:10:46,060 --> 00:10:47,560
 That's not going to work.

209
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:50,840
 And so I drove all the way down there and my sponsor at the time said you had made a

210
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:54,400
 decision that you were going to drink and use before you even got in your car.

211
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:59,760
 And I thought, OK, then I went down there and the guy that I used to use and drink with

212
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:00,760
 saw me.

213
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:01,760
 Hey, Tina, come over here.

214
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:02,760
 Where you been?

215
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,000
 It's the white girl that has all the money.

216
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:10,320
 And he got in the car and he had a crack pipe and a big 64 ounce of old English 800 handed

217
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:11,320
 him to me.

218
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,160
 And I took them like I had never stopped.

219
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:17,360
 There's a story in the big book or a line in the big book where the guy says, I beat

220
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:20,600
 my head on hand on the bar going, what happened?

221
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,800
 I hadn't even thought of the consequences.

222
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:28,480
 We drove back to my apartment all the way from South Central L.A. to get the rest of

223
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,960
 my rent money to continue using.

224
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,400
 That's how I spent Mother's Day in 1991 out with a crack pipe.

225
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:41,200
 And when I came back and I was so mortified, I had enough exposure to AA into this program

226
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:46,880
 to know that I told and I got on the phone the first thing on Monday the 13th and I called

227
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:51,480
 no Sunday was that that day on Mother's Day and I called the central office and this woman

228
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:55,400
 said, she says, my name is so-and-so when I'm an alcoholic and I said, I can't believe

229
00:11:55,400 --> 00:12:00,120
 what I've done, you know, and I knew from newcomers that came into meeting that came

230
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:04,160
 in and they were so mortified by having gone out that of course we welcome you back in

231
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:05,160
 the rooms.

232
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:06,160
 I said, can I come back?

233
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 Will it be able to come back?

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 She said, of course.

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 Meet me at a meeting Monday the 13th of May, 1991 and went to Studio 12.

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 And there's a long drive, if you remember that when it was in the in the garage of the

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 recovery home, long driveway to go down there, that was the longest road.

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 It was like the green mile for me.

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 And I got there and and I stood up as a newcomer and a lot of people that I've been going to

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 that meeting with that saw me take that my lunch.

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 What happened, Tina?

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 And I had to say I had to get up and talk about it and say what happened and get humble

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 and get willing to surrender and be restored to sanity, you know, so just my goodness,

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 I got a sponsor from that meeting, not from that meeting, I got a sponsor at that time,

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 my home group is sober cells, Wednesday night women's day now on zoom, some of my ladies

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 are here from sober cells.

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 And the sponsor that I had been told me she said you need to start working steps and I

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 got into that.

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 I got started starting the steps.

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 She said you need to take commitments, you need to be involved.

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 That is what's going to be the glue between you and your fellowship and the group.

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 You know, and I remember I was going to a Tuesday night meeting, and they were doing

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 the commitment rotations at me, and they got a new sponsor, they got the new take person,

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 and they got the new greeter and all of that, you know, and Mike goes, Oh, Tina, and I just

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 take him a 60 day chip.

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 And he goes, Tina, I nominate Tina to be the treasurer and I'm like, Oh, no, no, I don't

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 give you any money.

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 I'm an alcoholic.

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 For God sakes, how much is in there?

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 Let's see what that is.

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 And I took that commitment and I kept that commitment that what they told me what you've

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 been telling me was let us love you until you can love yourself.

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 And they said, let us trust you until you can trust us.

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 And something I don't know what happened.

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 It turned into a vapor, it went into my head down to my heart.

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 And that kept me keeping that commitment for the full six months.

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 I actually kept it a little bit longer, never once messed with that money went on to do

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 other service commitments.

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 It was it was remarkable how much service and commitments really, really anchored me

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 into this fellowship.

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 You know, I became the intergroup rep for for sober sales.

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 I got involved in on the board of directors, you know, went in and we were updating and

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 rewriting the bylaws.

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 And I'm like, Oh, my God, I've been in here longer than they're supposed to be in here.

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 Worked with a couple of girls right now, I've got a couple of spouses.

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 And I'm telling you, this program saved my ass.

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 You know, sorry, I'm not supposed to say that, right?

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 That's right.

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 I'm trying to think of other words that start with F in case I slip.

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 In case I slip with the language, not anything else.

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 But today, I I am so I host three meetings on zoom.

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 We don't go to live meetings, it's really a pleasure to be here in the energy of actual

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 live people looking, looking at you and feel your the warmth of your presence, you know,

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 and all of you on zoom as well, for God's sakes, you guys are terrific.

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 So I host the host three meetings a week, I am of service, I answered the phones remotely

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 from the central office.

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 And sometimes there's nobody that calls with the one person that calls that needs some

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 needs something like I called when I came in, and when I came back.

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 Can I come back?

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 I want to be there for that person that does that that calls it's just so feel so dejected.

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 My God, what did I do?

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 You know, am I supposed to talk for another 15 minutes?

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 13 minutes?

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 Okay.

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 Anyway, just so important for me to to stay connected, to stay connected to this group

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 to stay connected to the fellowship to be involved in service.

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 And when they asked me to leave the meeting, I was really nervous by coming to a live meeting.

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 You know, I had to wear a dress, like I own one, you know, so I look presentable and nice.

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 But being able to respect the group and respect the fellowship, respect alcoholics anonymous

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 by doing what is asked of me and suiting up and showing up being a part of, you know,

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 no matter what it is, I mean, there's a part of something I've also learned self care,

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 you know, I mean, when I was a kid, my mother's big thing was impression management.

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 I think that was one of her her thing.

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 She was addicted to impression management.

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 So I grew up thinking that if I didn't do things, even if I did what she asked me to

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 do, if I didn't do it the way she wanted to do that it was wrong, you know, and that took

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 a lot to get past, you know, I recognize a lot of the triggers that I had that sent me

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 out to drink and use.

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 And still, they sometimes come up, you know, sometimes some meetings will go, that's an

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 outside issue.

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00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:02,840
 No, if it's something that could be a trigger for me to drink or use, it's not an outside

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00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:03,840
 issue.

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 But I can make sure that I talk about it in the right context and to the right people,

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 you know, my sponsor is makes it really clear to me how important it is to prayer and meditation

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 and to do that daily and try to do that on a daily basis.

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 And the two most important prayers I will replace in the morning.

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 Thank you.

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 Just short and sweet and simple.

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 That's it.

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00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,160
 You know, gosh, I don't know what else I can say.

321
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,040
 I'm running out of things to say.

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00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:37,640
 Do you have sharing here after the if no, you don't Okay, it's definitely done.

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00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,760
 It's just done when I'm done.

324
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,480
 You know, I'm so grateful to be sober.

325
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,040
 I'm so grateful.

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00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:46,960
 All of the things that I went through in my life, no matter how I look at them, no matter

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00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:51,420
 how much they might make me cry or shudder, like, Oh, my God, I'm glad I'm alive to talk

328
00:17:51,420 --> 00:17:52,420
 about it.

329
00:17:52,420 --> 00:17:56,640
 They talk about three things that can happen to jails, institution and death.

330
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,540
 Well, I'm still conscious and vertical.

331
00:17:58,540 --> 00:18:00,420
 So their death hasn't happened yet.

332
00:18:00,420 --> 00:18:04,280
 Not sure when my checkout time is, but whatever, it's coming sometime.

333
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:09,920
 But jails and hospitals, you know, and all those things.

334
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:14,580
 I mean, my story should be in the back of the book where they nearly lost it all that

335
00:18:14,580 --> 00:18:15,580
 part that section.

336
00:18:15,580 --> 00:18:21,500
 I'm just gonna say something else, I just went out of my head anyway, I'm just so grateful

337
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:22,500
 to be sober.

338
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:26,960
 I'm so grateful that I found this fellowship, I'm so grateful that I'm willing to be of

339
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:33,440
 service and be involved and sit here in a room and look at all of your faces and see

340
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,360
 all of you wonderful people on zoom.

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00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:41,560
 And and just when I think that I've got it is when something will happen and all sudden

342
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:47,160
 like you said that trigger will come up, answer, let me do this, you know, no, that's that's

343
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:52,360
 like think the drink through the paper, think through, you know, and make sure I don't go

344
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 in that direction.

345
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:59,140
 And that's what I'm so grateful for the phone risks, being able to reach out to the fellows

346
00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:03,160
 that I that I've really bonded with that I can call and talk, talk with.

347
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:08,520
 There's a story in the back of the book that talks about the man was talking about how

348
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:13,160
 life has its ups and downs, there's good days, there's bad days, that's just a matter.

349
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,780
 That's just part of being on this planet.

350
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:20,820
 But my sobriety has to have a life of its own, it has to have a separate life of its

351
00:19:20,820 --> 00:19:21,820
 own.

352
00:19:21,820 --> 00:19:24,520
 So I'm in the no matter what club, I don't drink or use no matter what.

353
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:25,680
 And I think I'm done.

354
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,400
 I thank you all for letting me share.

355
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:33,840
 Thank you for your tenacity, as I said, and appreciate you all being here.

356
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:34,440
 Thank you.