1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,180 - Hey everybody, Danny Alcoholic, everybody over there. 2 00:00:03,180 --> 00:00:06,760 I don't go to a lot of in-person meetings these days, 3 00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:09,500 so it's nice to be out in the world away from my kids. 4 00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:10,640 I was thinking while you were sharing, Bill, 5 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:12,800 like there's a lot of things that are very different, 6 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,780 but so many things are also the same about our stories. 7 00:00:15,780 --> 00:00:17,380 And that's kind of the beauty of AA 8 00:00:17,380 --> 00:00:19,360 and the 12 step rooms is we all kind of come 9 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:20,520 from these different backgrounds 10 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:21,860 and we have these different experiences, 11 00:00:21,860 --> 00:00:24,000 but there's all this other stuff that's in common 12 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:27,080 that we have in common and then the same solution, you know? 13 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:29,080 So kind of following suit with how you introduce yourself. 14 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:30,400 It's also weird. 15 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:33,120 I was dreaming about speaking to this meeting last night. 16 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:34,360 It's really fucking weird. 17 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:37,000 And I have very vivid, strange dreams 18 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:37,980 about lots of kind of stuff, 19 00:00:37,980 --> 00:00:39,360 but for some reason about this, 20 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:40,740 I wasn't thinking about it too much all week. 21 00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:41,920 And then last night I was thinking about, 22 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,160 I didn't know what the room looked like. 23 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:44,580 I don't know if there's going to be like a thousand people 24 00:00:44,580 --> 00:00:45,980 or two people or what they deal with, 25 00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:47,860 but I woke up this morning and I was like, 26 00:00:47,860 --> 00:00:48,700 "What the fuck is that?" 27 00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:50,400 Sorry, profanity. 28 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,480 But thank you for asking me to come out early. 29 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:53,800 Appreciate it. 30 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:57,080 I love AA and other 12 step programs I go to. 31 00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:58,800 A few of them, AA is one of the ones 32 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,480 where I feel the most comfortable. 33 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:03,200 My sobriety date is January 17th, 1994. 34 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,240 I was one of those teenagers. 35 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,640 I was in that meeting 'cause I got sober when I was 17 36 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:07,960 and I've stayed since. 37 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,480 And so I know there are a lot of people 38 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,760 that have like long, very long careers 39 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:13,320 of drinking and using and all that. 40 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:14,600 And mine was very short. 41 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:15,960 But what that gives me also was like, 42 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,280 I'm lucky enough to have grown up in these rooms 43 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:20,320 and learn about how to live life 44 00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:23,400 through how the 12 steps works in my life 45 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,340 and make a lot of mistakes and screw up 46 00:01:26,340 --> 00:01:27,840 and then have people put their arms around me 47 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:29,240 and say, "It's okay." 48 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,320 I feel really blessed to have that experience, 49 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:35,320 to be able to do life in a safe place. 50 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:36,520 Everybody has that chance. 51 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,360 I have family members, my sister in particular, 52 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,280 who I think is like borderline personality, 53 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:42,240 who's like always talked to me about how lucky I am 54 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:43,480 that I have a program. 55 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,480 You can go to Al-Anon, you can do stuff 56 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,600 just 'cause you're not in the alcoholic necessarily, 57 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:48,760 but you have people in your life. 58 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:50,120 There's been a few of us in your life. 59 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,340 You can take advantage of this. 60 00:01:52,340 --> 00:01:54,760 I do come from an alcoholic family, not in my home, 61 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,480 but through jeans. 62 00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:58,320 My mother's father was an alcoholic. 63 00:01:58,320 --> 00:01:59,320 He loved tequila. 64 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:02,160 He would show up at my parents' house after a breakup 65 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,580 with one of his many girlfriends with a case tequila, 66 00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:06,160 just ready to party or whatever, 67 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,300 and they'd be like, "What are you doing?" 68 00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:09,860 And so my first hangover was actually with him 69 00:02:09,860 --> 00:02:11,440 when I was, I think, 14. 70 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:12,280 I went to tennis camp. 71 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:13,100 He lived in Newport Beach. 72 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:15,200 I went to tennis camp for a week in Irvine, 73 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:16,160 and then I stayed at his house, 74 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:18,100 and we had margaritas, I guess. 75 00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:19,600 What they were, I thought they were lemonade. 76 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:22,000 They tasted good before dinner, at dinner, 77 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,080 and then I woke the next day on the couch. 78 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:25,160 I'm just like, ugh. 79 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:28,280 My mom came pick, and she was like, "What did you do?" 80 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,280 So I kind of started experimenting at 14, 81 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:33,280 lots of different things, alcohol and doing things 82 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:36,160 that dumb teenage boys do, like violence 83 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,180 and smoking things out of the cabinet 84 00:02:38,180 --> 00:02:41,540 to see if it'll do anything, and egging people, 85 00:02:41,540 --> 00:02:44,720 and just all kind of stupid, destructive teenage boy stuff. 86 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,400 And I also had an uncle that was an alcoholic, 87 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,600 and he would sneak away at family functions 88 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,080 and just be gone for a little while, 89 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,720 and I never knew why until he got sober 90 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:53,740 around the same time that I did, 91 00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,800 and we eventually started going to meetings together. 92 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,400 So I have it possibly that it manifests other ways 93 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:01,240 in my family as well, not substance-related. 94 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:06,140 I also come from some abuse in my actual home. 95 00:03:06,140 --> 00:03:10,100 My mom was very fearful, scared person, 96 00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:12,920 and she took her fear of the world out on me and my sister. 97 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:15,120 She was physically and emotionally abusive to us 98 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,800 from me being very small until I was a teenager, 99 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,860 and I've talked a lot about this in therapy lately, 100 00:03:19,860 --> 00:03:21,440 but doesn't tell you it's big enough 101 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:23,440 to get back in her face, you know? 102 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:24,760 And I have a lot of anger issues, 103 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,120 and I inherited that from her. 104 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:29,160 And now I'm dealing that again in a different way 105 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:30,840 because I have a son who's special needs, 106 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:32,240 and he's very angry and scared, 107 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:35,040 and he's very intense and abusive to the rest of us. 108 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,240 And so, you know, I see that. 109 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,000 I see sort of this stuff in him too. 110 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,920 And so for me, I also grew up in athletics. 111 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:42,800 We never really had alcohol or drugs in the home. 112 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,380 My parents did not do drugs at all. 113 00:03:44,380 --> 00:03:46,080 They had beer in the house like three times 114 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:46,920 when I was a kid. 115 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,080 We had a bottle of this like really crappy rum 116 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,960 in the cabinet for like 15 years, 117 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,420 and then eventually I just drank it. 118 00:03:53,420 --> 00:03:55,340 So, and I was, you know, not the stuttering thing, 119 00:03:55,340 --> 00:03:57,740 but I was cripplingly shy 120 00:03:57,740 --> 00:03:59,680 until I started getting drunk and loaded. 121 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,160 And I didn't know how to talk to strangers. 122 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,480 I got in trouble first. 123 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,560 I got arrested at 14 for shooting a pellet gun 124 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,720 off my roof at strangers and then lighting M80s. 125 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,360 So the realtor that was shown in the building 126 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:13,320 thought it was a rifle and called the cops. 127 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:16,360 When I was arrested and part of my sentencing 128 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:17,880 was I needed to go to counseling. 129 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,680 And so the guy was like, "You're fine. 130 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:20,680 You're just a kid. 131 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:21,680 Like, what do you want to work on?" 132 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:22,920 I was like, "I don't know how to talk to anybody." 133 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:24,720 So we started working on that and that really helped. 134 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,560 But what really helped was like smoking pot 135 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,480 and getting drunk really, really helped. 136 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,380 You know, I started drinking at 14. 137 00:04:30,380 --> 00:04:32,440 Like I said, I got a job at this little grocery store. 138 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:33,800 And I lived out here. 139 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,840 We moved here when I was 11 from Atlanta, Georgia 140 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:37,120 to like a studio city area. 141 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,480 There was a little small mom and pop store. 142 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,920 And I got a job there towards the end of ninth grade. 143 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,400 And I worked at the register 144 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,480 and I also restocked all the beer and all the stuff. 145 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,380 And so I would steal alcohol from there. 146 00:04:47,380 --> 00:04:49,760 Friends would steal alcohol from their jobs. 147 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,400 'Cause we all sort of had the same kind of jobs, 148 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,220 these local small stores. 149 00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:54,060 And so we started drinking 150 00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:56,160 and I started drinking on a regular basis at 15. 151 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,040 I started smoking pot around the same time 152 00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,480 and I fell in love with that. 153 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:00,840 So that happened every day. 154 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:02,280 And then shortly after that, 155 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,240 I started experimenting with LSD and I really liked that. 156 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:07,800 So that started happening on a very often basis too. 157 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:08,640 And that was kind of it. 158 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,200 Like back in the early 90s, like, you know, 159 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,800 I knew some kids that were getting into speed, 160 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,360 but teenagers weren't necessarily shooting heroin. 161 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,840 It wasn't like the stuff is today. 162 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:19,760 If I was a wake up sign, I really loved it. 163 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:22,100 And even getting sober, it took me a while 164 00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:24,400 to realize that I also was an alcoholic. 165 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:26,560 I definitely relate to the behavior 166 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:31,120 as it applies to psychedelics and pot and alcohol now. 167 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:32,560 But for a long time, I didn't. 168 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:33,640 'Cause I didn't drink every day. 169 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,160 I drank every weekend and sometimes I drank every day, 170 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:37,280 but sometimes I didn't. 171 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:39,200 And I also had that sort of idea of like, 172 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,660 well, the classic alcoholic is like some old guy 173 00:05:41,660 --> 00:05:44,120 that like can't stop like hitting cars with his car 174 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,280 and like all this kind of stuff. 175 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,320 And it was bad. 176 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:51,960 And what eventually happened was my anger, 177 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,360 like also that was kind of like my remedy. 178 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:55,200 Like, you know what I've learned? 179 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,620 I worked in treatment for a long time as well. 180 00:05:56,620 --> 00:05:58,400 So I kind of talk clinically about a lot of stuff. 181 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,280 What I realized by doing the work and around here 182 00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:05,320 is that I get drunk because I feel emotionally uncomfortable. 183 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,440 I'm angry, I'm depressed, I'm scared, all those things. 184 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:08,880 And so my solution is to do that. 185 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,160 And unfortunately I have that gene that once I start, 186 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,000 I can't, you know, I can't quit. 187 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,560 And I think that's what makes me an alcoholic 188 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,960 and makes me different from the person down the street 189 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:17,800 who doesn't do that. 190 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,320 Everyone has something to try to deal with their problems, 191 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,120 but you know, mine is that I get loaded 192 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,000 and it feels really good and then I can't stop. 193 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,160 But my anger had gotten really bad. 194 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,880 The fighting with my mom had escalated. 195 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:29,880 My parents became aware that I was getting loaded, 196 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:30,700 asked me to stop. 197 00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:32,240 I said, sure, and I didn't. 198 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:33,320 And I kept getting worse. 199 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,920 And eventually they said, hey, let's go to counseling. 200 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,740 At first they said, either you can stop or you can leave. 201 00:06:38,740 --> 00:06:40,160 I was like, well, let me get my backpack 202 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:41,440 and get the hell out of here. 203 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:43,180 And I went and stayed with some friends. 204 00:06:43,180 --> 00:06:44,560 And then they said, let's go to counseling. 205 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:45,620 I said, okay. 206 00:06:45,620 --> 00:06:48,360 And the counseling wound up being an intake 207 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,880 at a kids psych hospital in Rosemead. 208 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:52,720 And they left me there. 209 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:56,120 And I was there for three weeks in a lockdown facility 210 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,000 with a bunch of other kids from 11 to 17. 211 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,360 I was 17 and my hair was already falling out 212 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:02,000 and I had a lot of facial hair. 213 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,920 And the kids all thought I was someone's dad 214 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,500 who came to visit. 215 00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,720 That was my first exposure to 12 Step. 216 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:08,580 They brought in panels. 217 00:07:08,580 --> 00:07:09,860 And I really wanted things to be different. 218 00:07:09,860 --> 00:07:10,700 I wanted to feel better. 219 00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:12,020 I wanted my relationships to be better, 220 00:07:12,020 --> 00:07:13,960 but I wasn't sure how to do that. 221 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,120 The stuff that they brought in, the literature 222 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,760 and the stories, I just didn't, I didn't understand. 223 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,480 I think it doesn't sound like there's anybody new, 224 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:24,400 but if you're newish and this sounds really weird, it is. 225 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,800 This is like completely different language 226 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,000 than you might speak somewhere else. 227 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,880 And you have to learn how to sort of get into this culture. 228 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,720 So at the time it was like a kind of a kid basically. 229 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,560 And I was like, I don't, it doesn't make any sense to me. 230 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:36,600 And, but I wanted to be sober. 231 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,540 And I stayed sober for like a week after I left there. 232 00:07:38,540 --> 00:07:40,520 I had to sign this contract that if I got loaded again, 233 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:41,980 I would be out of the house again. 234 00:07:41,980 --> 00:07:44,200 And I stayed sober, then I was at a party 235 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:45,120 that I shouldn't have been at. 236 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,600 And they were passing a pipe around 237 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,200 and it went a couple laps around me and then I hit it, 238 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:50,200 but there was none left. 239 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,320 So I went in the kitchen and I had been drinking 240 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,600 like a raspberry Snapple. 241 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,680 There was a jug of gin and tonic in there 242 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:56,760 that no one was touching. 243 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:59,240 And so I poured my Snapple into it and then I drank it. 244 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:00,440 I drank the whole bowl. 245 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:02,280 And so when I look back at like my alcoholism, 246 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,440 like that's a big indicator. 247 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,840 I was stealing alcohol. 248 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,280 You know, I also didn't like the taste of beer, 249 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,520 but I drank a lot of it. 250 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,800 I realized at 20 years sober that I would use LSD 251 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:12,920 like some people use cocaine. 252 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,960 Like you can take coke and you can drink all night 253 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,600 and you feel like you don't have those adverse effects. 254 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,740 Well, I learned that if I drank and then took acid, 255 00:08:20,740 --> 00:08:23,320 I would feel sick and gross and had a bad trip. 256 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,320 But if I took acid first, I could drink all night, 257 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,400 tasted pretty good actually, 258 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,400 'cause I was thirsty as hell and I could, 259 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:29,840 so I did that unconsciously. 260 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,160 I didn't realize that well into my sobriety. 261 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,160 But I relapsed, then I started going to meetings 262 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,000 like I was supposed to, 263 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,080 but I was using before the meetings and after the meetings. 264 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,100 And then eventually I got a dirty drug test. 265 00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:44,040 I was confronted again, asked to leave and I left. 266 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,560 So I spent a couple of weeks kind of bumming around LA 267 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,440 and I lived in the Valley, 268 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:49,680 but a lot of my friends lived in Hollywood 269 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,080 'cause I went to high school there. 270 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:56,080 And my sort of moment of clarity was on January 15th, 1994, 271 00:08:56,080 --> 00:09:01,000 I took mushrooms for the last time. 272 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,240 And I was down at my friends at Park La Brea, 273 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,220 which is this big apartment complex, at least like high-rises 274 00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:07,320 and I wasn't welcome anywhere. 275 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:09,200 Like at that point, none of my friends wanted, 276 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,560 my parents felt comfortable with me in their house 277 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,620 and I didn't really have to go, it was cold, 278 00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:14,460 but they were like, 279 00:09:14,460 --> 00:09:15,640 "Look, you can stay up on the roof if you want." 280 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:16,980 So I went up on the roof of this building 281 00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:18,360 and I had all these plans 282 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:20,000 about what I was gonna do the next day. 283 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,160 I was gonna get my car. 284 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:22,840 I started playing music and get my guitar. 285 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,800 I'm gonna go touring and do this whole thing. 286 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,140 It's gonna be awesome. 287 00:09:26,140 --> 00:09:27,920 And then I came down at like four in the morning 288 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,040 and I was like, "None of that shit is gonna happen." 289 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,420 I'm a horrible guitar player at this point. 290 00:09:32,420 --> 00:09:33,520 I've been playing for a couple of years, 291 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:35,960 but I wasn't very good at it and it just wasn't realistic. 292 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,080 It was mushrooms. 293 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,360 And I stayed there with my friends 294 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:40,840 and we got loaded the whole next day. 295 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,040 And then I had been given a chance, 296 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,520 told that there was, if I wanted help, 297 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,560 I can call my parents 298 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,160 and they would get me into this treatment center. 299 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:48,000 And so that's what I did. 300 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,840 The evening of January 16th of that year, 301 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,880 about 10 o'clock, I called my dad and my parents 302 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,720 and just said, "I'll try it. 303 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:54,560 "Can you come get me?" 304 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:55,560 So he picked me up. 305 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,360 He took me down to Braben Hospital in Culver City. 306 00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,200 And I moved into the sober living. 307 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:00,200 I was telling Nate earlier, 308 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,120 Braben Hospital at the time 309 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,800 had this chemical dependency unit. 310 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,240 It's rehab, but one floor. 311 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:05,160 And then you didn't live there. 312 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,480 We lived on this street next door 313 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:10,200 that had seven houses, sober living houses. 314 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:11,320 And that's where we lived. 315 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:12,400 And then you'd go eat in the cafeteria. 316 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:13,760 It was kind of a crazy setup, 317 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,920 but I wound up staying there for a year. 318 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:16,760 But I moved in there. 319 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,400 I woke up to the Northridge earthquake the next day. 320 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,560 Even though it was in Santa Monica, 321 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:23,440 our Culver City store got hit fairly bad. 322 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,160 But I just kind of, I woke up and went back to sleep. 323 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,120 So they teased me the next day 324 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,200 about being the kid that slept through the earthquake. 325 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:29,400 But that was my first day sober. 326 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:30,440 And I've been sober ever since. 327 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,440 And initially my plan was I can make it to the next few months 328 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,520 until my 18th birthday and then I can do whatever I want. 329 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:36,680 I just want a shower. 330 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:38,360 I want some food. 331 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,640 Maybe I could put on some clean clothes. 332 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,480 I had a bag with me, 333 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,000 but it was like a couple of changes of clothes 334 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,680 and a bunch of like cassette tapes at my Walkman. 335 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,880 And they got me up. 336 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:48,700 They let me sleep. 337 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:49,540 They got me up. 338 00:10:49,540 --> 00:10:50,380 They fed me. 339 00:10:50,380 --> 00:10:51,200 They walked me around. 340 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,040 They introduced me to everybody 341 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:52,880 and kind of got me settled. 342 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,160 And then I started going to groups 343 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,440 and it was my last semester of high school. 344 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:57,800 Schools were closed for like a week 345 00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:58,640 because of the earthquake. 346 00:10:58,640 --> 00:10:59,760 And so I went to treatment 347 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,320 and it was super awkward and uncomfortable. 348 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,800 And I was much younger than most of the people there. 349 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,640 But what started to happen is going to these groups 350 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,040 and these meetings and being really open 351 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:09,480 and vulnerable about what was happening. 352 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,200 And then starting like really intensive family therapy 353 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,680 with my parents was that I really sort of, 354 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:15,520 I really fell in love with the people 355 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:16,720 that I was in treatment with. 356 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,340 Like you were talking about all the support 357 00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:19,180 and all those people. 358 00:11:19,180 --> 00:11:21,200 And we were telling the most deepest, darkest secrets 359 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,360 and we were crying with each other, doing all this stuff. 360 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,960 And then I started, as we started going to meetings, 361 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,160 they took us to meetings every day. 362 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,160 I started to find meetings where I felt more comfortable. 363 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,560 'Cause I initially didn't really feel comfortable 364 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,640 at any meetings, but there's meeting for those potheads. 365 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,400 I started to go there and that felt really comfortable. 366 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:36,520 And that was kind of my gateway 367 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:37,960 into feeling more comfortable here. 368 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,000 And eventually, you know, a few months in I realized, 369 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,300 oh, I do drink like an alcoholic, you know. 370 00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,000 And also that it's not really about the substance, 371 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:44,840 it's about the behavior. 372 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,280 And alcoholic thinking are not a lot of different things. 373 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,160 That's continued well into sobriety. 374 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,480 I still have to keep an eye on certain things. 375 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:52,960 The obsession to drink and get loaded 376 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,200 was taken away pretty quickly for me. 377 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,000 I think what I had been wanting for a long time 378 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,160 was acceptance and support and love. 379 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:03,040 And I found that immediately, like I said, in the race. 380 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,600 And so it really took a lot of that need 381 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,640 to be high all the time away. 382 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,000 And I also realized like I couldn't out drink 383 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:10,880 my circumstances. 384 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:12,880 I thought that if I could just continue to do what I want 385 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,440 and people would just leave me alone, I'd be okay. 386 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:15,280 And I could just do whatever I want. 387 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,880 And that just wasn't working, you know. 388 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,080 And I have a low tolerance for emotional pain. 389 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:21,840 And so, you know, it was a short career. 390 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,440 It was intense, but apparently it was enough for me. 391 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:27,520 And so I've stayed and, you know, I did it. 392 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,400 I kind of also like, I see a lot of people that, 393 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,120 they come in and they second guess everything 394 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:33,280 and they argue about the program. 395 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,120 They don't want to do it. 396 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,720 And they stay sick for a long time. 397 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:37,800 Sometimes they get better and sometimes they don't. 398 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,720 And kind of was just like, okay, they would say, do this. 399 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,440 I had like, okay, and I would just do it, you know, 400 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:43,280 go to me anyway. 401 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,400 Okay, you know, start to look for a sponsor. 402 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,360 Okay, and then I got a sponsor. 403 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,960 And at the time I had long hair and I went to this meeting 404 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,240 and this guy had long hair and a goatee 405 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,920 and he seemed really with it. 406 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,160 And I asked him and he was my sponsor 407 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:56,480 for like the next eight and a half years. 408 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:57,920 And we would like go to the beach, 409 00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:59,880 play with his dog and read the big book. 410 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,360 We'd go get pizza and read the big book 411 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:02,480 and do all this stuff. 412 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,000 And, you know, through the process of working 413 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,640 through the stuff, started sort of rebuilding, you know, 414 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:07,480 the relationships in my life, 415 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:10,320 but also figuring out who I am and how I operate 416 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,920 and why I do the things that I do. 417 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:15,600 And I come from a fairly religious Jewish upbringing 418 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,480 and I was bar mitzvahed against my will 419 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,360 and which I think everybody is. 420 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:24,360 And, you know, I just, it never felt, 421 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,320 it just, you know, it never felt like anything to me. 422 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:30,120 And there isn't really much in that realm 423 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,400 of religion that does. 424 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,600 And so, you know, I have cultivated 425 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,640 this more sort of like Buddhist Star Wars 426 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:37,160 kind of deal for myself where like, 427 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:38,560 there's obviously something going on 428 00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:41,840 because there are planets and stars and trees and water 429 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,280 and I'm not doing that. 430 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,720 And I don't really need to understand what it is. 431 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:48,240 And the steps and the program and things we do together 432 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,280 are more powerful than me. 433 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,800 So when I wake up in the morning and I do my stuff, 434 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:55,480 I'm turning my will of my life over to the care of Alcoholics Anonymous 435 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:58,320 and the people in the rooms that I trust, you know. 436 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,160 And if that's something that you're into, great. 437 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:02,040 And if you have a different spin on it, that's awesome too. 438 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:03,160 Like, whatever works for you, 439 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,040 that just happens to be what works for me. 440 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,440 You know, I don't really use the word God 441 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:09,680 unless I absolutely have to, I kind of avoid it. 442 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:12,480 For me, that's someone like a specific entity's name 443 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,720 that I'm not a fan of and so I don't say that. 444 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,000 Even here, like when we do prayers, I skip that word, 445 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,640 you know, just 'cause it makes me feel 446 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,960 the most comfortable and most connected, you know. 447 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,280 So there's that and, you know, then I did my four step 448 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,040 and I've done many of them over the years 449 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:27,920 and I always find them valuable. 450 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:29,480 You know, the way that I was taught was, 451 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:30,360 okay, so you make this list 452 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:31,880 and my sponsor had these worksheets. 453 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,520 'Cause it wasn't like, hey, you write a book 454 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:34,720 and a story about all these things. 455 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:35,680 Like you make a list, you know, 456 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:37,720 just like an inventory at the store, you know. 457 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:38,960 This is kind of what I was dreaming about 458 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,640 or thinking about earlier was the four step. 459 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,760 Like, you know, if I write mom, 460 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,320 there's gonna be like 20 different resentments. 461 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:45,280 It's not all the same. 462 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:48,000 I don't have one line, you know, I have each specific thing. 463 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,040 Just like when you go to the store and there's ketchup, 464 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,520 there's like different varieties, you know. 465 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,040 So it's like, you know, but I started this list 466 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,160 and what I learned through doing this work was 467 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,800 the way that I was taught with my sponsor was 468 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,360 you write the names and you write the thing. 469 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,160 So, oh, it's not really about the thing. 470 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:03,000 I mean, about the person. 471 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,480 It's more about like the situation that happened, right? 472 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:06,320 Than what it affects. 473 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,040 Okay, so it's not really about the thing that happened. 474 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,360 It's about what affects. 475 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:11,480 And then the fourth column, you know, my part. 476 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,600 And the way that he taught me was it's not my part 477 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,880 in the situation that happened, it's my part to resentment. 478 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,360 So because I have a resentment against this person, 479 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:19,280 what do I do about it? 480 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,600 You know, I talk shit about them. 481 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,640 I avoid them. 482 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:22,800 I rage at them. 483 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,040 I withdraw from them, whatever, you know. 484 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:26,800 And it could be resentment against myself 485 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:27,640 or other people. 486 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,240 And so, you know, that's one of the most important lessons 487 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:30,880 that I've learned is like taking a look 488 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,520 at when I encounter a situation 489 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,560 and I'm feeling crappy about something, 490 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,600 there's something difficult going on, backing up and okay, 491 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:37,720 so what's my part in this? 492 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,480 Why am I feeling a certain way? 493 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,360 What's my next best option, you know? 494 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:42,800 And then reaching out for support. 495 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,520 I really try to live my life through the steps 496 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:45,440 and the traditions as well. 497 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:46,840 Like I grew conscience. 498 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,520 If I'm facing some sort of heavy decision, 499 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,040 I usually know what the right answer is, 500 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:51,840 but I'll run it by the people that I care about 501 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:52,800 the most in my life. 502 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,880 My good friends, my wife, my sponsor. 503 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,800 And if I ask 10 people and eight of them say this, 504 00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,680 but I want to do what the other two people say, 505 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:00,840 I go with eight, you know, 506 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,560 because I've learned that like, 507 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:03,800 if more people are saying something 508 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,040 and that's probably the right answer. 509 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,080 So, you know, my mom had been sick with cancer 510 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:10,240 my whole life. 511 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,200 We really worked through therapy 512 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,720 and repaired our relationship. 513 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,760 My parents were a huge part of my life 514 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:16,840 throughout my recovery. 515 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,960 Right before my fourth sober birthday, 516 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,080 she passed away from cancer 517 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,920 after a long, intense last six months of it. 518 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:25,160 And I was able to be present and be there for her. 519 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,040 And it was brutal, but it was also amazing 520 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:29,880 that I was able to get through that. 521 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,840 I had just been secretary of the meeting 522 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,480 and I was supposed to speak the night that she died. 523 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:34,320 It was Thursday. 524 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,040 And I stayed with my dad for a little while. 525 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:37,400 And I was like, I got to go to this meeting. 526 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,720 And I went because I really wanted to be around the people 527 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:40,960 that I had loved. 528 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,400 And I shared this meeting 529 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,240 and my girlfriend at the time sat on one side 530 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:45,720 and my good friend sat on the other side 531 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:47,040 and they both were holding my hands 532 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,440 and I cried and wept the whole meeting. 533 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,320 And I talked about my mom and I talked about sobriety. 534 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,600 And I don't say that 'cause that makes me tough or anything, 535 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,000 but I needed that. 536 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:55,840 It was just a shitty day. 537 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,440 And so that was the safest place that I knew. 538 00:16:58,440 --> 00:16:59,560 Being home with dad was okay, 539 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,120 but I needed to be around those people. 540 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:03,160 And to me, that's an example 541 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,040 of putting my trust in the program 542 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,760 and being able to just show up and let people in. 543 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,640 For me, that's the most important thing in my life 544 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:10,800 is the fact that I'm sober 545 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,680 and my connection with other people. 546 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,960 I graduated high school somehow sober, 547 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:15,800 took some time off, 548 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,240 and then I realized that I wanted to go back to school 549 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:18,240 and I wanted to study music. 550 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,280 I had been playing bass for a couple of years 551 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:21,600 and that's what I wanted to study. 552 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,760 And so I went to Santa Monica College on a part-time basis 553 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,400 and I studied and I took classes 554 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,560 and then I eventually transferred 555 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,000 to a music school in Boston. 556 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,960 And when I had four years, I moved there 557 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,240 and I was there for a few years 558 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,240 and I took what I had learned here and there. 559 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:35,440 I went to a lot of meetings, you know. 560 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:36,280 I was a service. 561 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,160 I became an RA in my dorm. 562 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,760 You know, I was 22 when I got to Berkeley 563 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,920 and a little bit older than most of the people there. 564 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,000 Most people come here freshman 565 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,600 and I had some life experience. 566 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,800 And so I brought that there and, you know, 567 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,520 I had a great time and I learned a lot. 568 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:51,800 I play a lot of really fun music. 569 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,000 And then I came home and tried to make a career of it. 570 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,480 I did okay for a little while. 571 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,720 And, you know, I hit another sort of bottom. 572 00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,720 You know, I think my story is also 573 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,960 that I hit different kinds of bottoms along the way. 574 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,760 You know, initially it was like the getting loaded thing. 575 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,320 You know, the next one was at nine. 576 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,240 On my ninth summer birthday, 577 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,200 the woman I had been living with for a few years 578 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:10,040 gave me a cake. 579 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,320 We went out to dinner and we got home. 580 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:12,640 She, we started to talk. 581 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,040 She said, "I'm leaving." 582 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,840 She broke up with me and she took off. 583 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:16,680 And that was brutal. 584 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:17,560 And so I called up some friends. 585 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,120 We hung out and I was devastated. 586 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,320 And that kind of got me back in gear, 587 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,440 like getting better physical shape 588 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,280 'cause I was pretty out of shape at that point 589 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:26,920 and take better care of myself emotionally 590 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:28,520 and jumped harder into service. 591 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,040 And that's another thing that I've encountered 592 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,280 is like when I'm really struggling with something, 593 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:33,920 if I jump into service, 594 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,800 whether it's at the meeting level or district or whatever, 595 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,160 that helps keep me on course. 596 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:42,600 You know, it really adds some meaning to my life as well. 597 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:43,640 So I did that then. 598 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,480 And then, you know, I've hit the, all these bottoms, 599 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,400 you know, a couple years after that, financial stuff. 600 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,560 All right, there's a program for that. 601 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:49,520 All right, let's do this. 602 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,280 You know, and so where things are now 603 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,920 is it's over for 31 years. 604 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,760 I've been married for coming up on 15 years. 605 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,120 My wife, who I went to junior high school with, 606 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:01,320 is also in the program. 607 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,040 She's also in recovery, which is awesome. 608 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,280 So we have this like common foundation together 609 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,360 and this common language in our house. 610 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:11,000 We go to, I go to a lot of Zoom meetings 'cause it's easy. 611 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:16,240 My oldest, who's gonna be 14 next month, is special needs. 612 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,840 He has a genetic disorder that is autism 613 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:20,400 and a bunch of other stuff. 614 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,880 It's like a cluster of things and he is really challenging. 615 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,840 And so since the pandemic, 616 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,840 we haven't really had any services in for him 617 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,640 'cause we were getting all these strangers in the house 618 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:29,840 and we didn't feel comfortable having people 619 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,440 with this raging disease going. 620 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,880 And so I've kind of settled into more of this lifestyle 621 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:34,880 of like, oh, it's Saturday. 622 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,680 I can go to a meeting in New Zealand on my couch. 623 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,160 It's awesome, you know. 624 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,800 I can do those things. 625 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,760 But I also try to make an effort to really stay in touch 626 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,040 with the people and do face-to-face time 627 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,920 with friends and be able to roll. 628 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,480 But you know, my life is pretty simple these days 629 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,360 as far as like the stuff that I do. 630 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:52,440 It's really hard right now. 631 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,320 My son is really, really struggling. 632 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,360 Then I go to work, I come home, I do chores. 633 00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:58,600 We have a lot of animals, some have. 634 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,800 Two dogs, two cats, a lizard. 635 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,160 We have to get some birds apparently. 636 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,880 My wife just like shows up in the animals. 637 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:06,720 She texted me a few weeks ago and just said, 638 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,000 "Hey, how, on the scale of zero to 10, 639 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,600 how much would you murder me if the kids got birds?" 640 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,440 I was like, "11." 641 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:15,600 But I said, "Thank you for asking." 642 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:16,440 We were texting 'cause I was at work. 643 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:17,280 I was like, "Thanks for asking, 644 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:18,400 but I know you're gonna do it anyway." 645 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:21,880 And you know, like I need more responsibility in my life 646 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,280 and more living things to take care of. 647 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,600 And like I said earlier, like in the last few years, 648 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,480 I really had to take a hard look at my anger 649 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,520 because I worked through a lot of stuff as a youngster 650 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:32,760 and early in my recovery. 651 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,440 And then through being a parent, 652 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,400 a lot of that stuff has come back up 653 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,160 and I have not always been a resourceful, calm dad. 654 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:42,120 And I'm much bigger than my wife and my kids. 655 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:45,080 I can't see now, but I'm pretty heavily tattooed 656 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:47,240 and I look like this and my face, 657 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,920 when I just am still looks like I'm upset. 658 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,960 And so my experience with things 659 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:52,960 is very different than theirs. 660 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,280 And so I've had to learn to take a hard look at like, 661 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:57,800 okay, what's someone else's experience of you? 662 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:58,720 How is it different? 663 00:20:58,720 --> 00:20:59,560 Why is it different? 664 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,400 And even though if I don't agree, 665 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:02,720 I need to see someone else's point of view 666 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,200 and make some changes. 667 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:05,520 So I've been doing a lot of work on that, 668 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,480 but that's the biggest challenge in my life right now. 669 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,640 And luckily I don't wanna get loaded over it. 670 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:11,840 I want it to change. 671 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,680 I'm still practicing a lot of acceptance 672 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,440 around the fact that my son may never be able to function 673 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:18,760 outside of living with us. 674 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:20,600 He may have to live with us the rest of his life. 675 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:24,120 He may never have a job and I love him and we'll do that. 676 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,800 But there's a part of me that's like looking forward 677 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,000 to like being home alone with no kids, 678 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,280 but wrestling with that. 679 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:33,440 And so I haven't always been the most patient, like I said, 680 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,600 and really having to practice a lot of tools 681 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,480 and gain more tools through different avenues. 682 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:39,840 And I'm a big fan of like, 683 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,520 I think that the 12 steps can do a lot for us, 684 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,040 but I also know that there are other things biologically 685 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,800 and chemically and other things 686 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,640 that the 12 steps just can't do. 687 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,760 And so, it talks about in the book, 688 00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,360 like this is our gateway to getting you 689 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:54,640 whatever resources you need. 690 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:55,840 It talks about that. 691 00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,440 So I think therapy and psychiatry, 692 00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,200 whatever you need in order to be your best self 693 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,280 is when you should take advantage of it. 694 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:03,600 If you're confused about it or you're not sure, 695 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,040 talk to your sponsor, talk to other people. 696 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,960 I try to talk to people that have more experience 697 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,680 in those realms than I do. 698 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,160 You know, pretty knowledgeable about a lot of those things. 699 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:14,320 I love this light system, that's pretty awesome. 700 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,160 Yeah, sure, sorry. 701 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,520 So I think whatever is gonna get you to where you need, 702 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,160 you should do that. 703 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,960 But also like, you know, talk to people that you trust. 704 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,360 You know, like I'm not a doctor. 705 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:27,960 You know, I was certified counselor for a long time 706 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:28,880 and I would talk to clients, 707 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,320 but I would also let them know I am not a doctor. 708 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:34,160 So my job is to point you to the doctor, you know, 709 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,400 to talk to you about your options 710 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,200 and figure out like, what's the best thing for you, 711 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:38,960 but I can't do those things for you. 712 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,200 You know, it's the same thing here. 713 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,040 Yeah, I have a certain amount of experience with things 714 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:43,800 and I'll talk to you about what I've gone through 715 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,520 and maybe what I know some options are, 716 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:48,000 but I can't help you with your divorce paperwork. 717 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:48,840 I can't help you. 718 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:49,680 You know, there's lots of stuff that we do. 719 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:50,520 Like, I can't do that stuff for you. 720 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,000 I'll hold your hand and we can walk through it together. 721 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,120 But you know, but like kind of opened with this, 722 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:55,840 like the beauty is that there's all these different people 723 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:57,600 that have different skills and experiences 724 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,040 and we can all be there for each other. 725 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,280 And you know, regardless of where we come from, you know, 726 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:05,240 we can do these things and we can talk to each other 727 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,960 about it and you know, even if I've never been 728 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,240 to a meeting before, like this one, 729 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,560 I'm getting something out of it by listening to Bill. 730 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,880 You know, and so, you know, I've been lucky enough 731 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:18,320 to like be a touring musician and go to meetings 732 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,760 like in bump up Kansas where there was like three people 733 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,600 and it was awesome, you know, or like other places 734 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,440 where there's like these little hole in the wall 735 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,240 meeting places and we're like, oh, we're in Ohio. 736 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,160 What time is it? 737 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:30,240 What night is it? 738 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:32,360 Let's look at, okay, let's go, you know, 739 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:34,200 'cause I know it's a safe place, you know. 740 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:37,720 And so I'd also like to say, I think meetings are important 741 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,720 but they're not the program, the steps are the program. 742 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,800 And I think meeting, like I said, meetings are important 743 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,400 but it's really important to go to meetings 744 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:44,920 where you feel safe and you feel 745 00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:46,840 like you're getting something. 746 00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,880 I know like I'll go to meetings and I'll be like, 747 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:50,240 I don't like this meeting. 748 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,000 I don't like the vibe in here or whatever. 749 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,640 I don't go back and it's not malicious. 750 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:56,120 It's just, that's not the place for me, you know. 751 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:56,960 It's like a restaurant. 752 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:58,680 If I like don't like the food, I don't force myself 753 00:23:58,680 --> 00:23:59,960 to go back to eat there all the time. 754 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:00,920 I just go somewhere else. 755 00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:02,920 And so I really do that with meetings. 756 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:04,360 You know, I have a bunch of places 757 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:06,640 that I know I'm comfortable at and I go there. 758 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,520 And if I wanna branch out, talk to friends, say, 759 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:09,720 hey, where do you go to meetings? 760 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,680 You know, it's what day of the week is it? 761 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:12,800 Are you going tonight? 762 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:13,640 And I do that. 763 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,200 And so far it's worked, you know, 764 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:17,760 like my recovery has been sort of this recipe 765 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,160 of like throwing all this stuff in the pot 766 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:22,040 and for whatever reason, it's making brownies. 767 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,720 And if I take one thing out, 768 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,040 I'm not sure what that thing is gonna be 769 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:26,000 to make it not work. 770 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,080 And so I'm not willing to mess with that. 771 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:29,640 I keep doing all the stuff that I was taught 772 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:30,680 and hopefully I'll stick around. 773 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:31,960 Thanks again for having me. 774 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:32,800 I really appreciate it. 775 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,060 and that's nice to meet everybody, thanks. 776 00:24:34,060 --> 00:24:35,400 - Thank you. 777 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:36,240 - Thanks, Bill. 778 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:37,280 Thanks, Danny.