1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,560 My name is Garrett, I'm an alcoholic. 2 00:00:01,560 --> 00:00:04,460 And my name is Garrett, I'm an alcoholic. 3 00:00:04,460 --> 00:00:07,080 And thank you for having me come out tonight 4 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:08,600 and share the meeting. 5 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:10,720 Thank you for opening it up for me. 6 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:14,080 I absolutely just love Alcoholics Anonymous. 7 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:15,680 I love being where there's a gavel, 8 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:16,940 like I'm in a courtroom. 9 00:00:16,940 --> 00:00:19,600 And I like it that there's lights on this podium. 10 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:20,980 I never had that before in the podium. 11 00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:22,740 So that's pretty new. 12 00:00:22,740 --> 00:00:25,400 But I'll share with you a couple of important names. 13 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,680 My home group is the Raptors out there in Santa Clarita. 14 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:28,680 That is my home group. 15 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:31,360 My sponsor's name is Lance Rodriguez. 16 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:35,560 And I should buy these 317, 2013. 17 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:37,100 I'm forever grateful for that day. 18 00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:38,280 And I'm gonna share in a general way 19 00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:40,420 what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. 20 00:00:40,420 --> 00:00:43,540 And I feel really tall 'cause I'm on a step. 21 00:00:43,540 --> 00:00:45,240 I'm already tall and like I'm on this. 22 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:46,520 And I'm like, "Damn, I feel good." 23 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:47,760 You know, like I'm up here today. 24 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:51,480 And I absolutely, I didn't come in here 25 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:53,480 with like no passion, no energy, 26 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,740 no love for a program that I didn't know. 27 00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:57,920 I didn't come in here thinking that I wanted to see God, 28 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,760 meet God, be with God, pray to God or anything like that. 29 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:03,840 And I simply landed in the treatment center 30 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:06,280 on March 17th of 2013. 31 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:11,000 And all I wanted to do is I wanted to stop using 32 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,520 and drinking the way I was. 33 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,120 I wanted to stop going to prison. 34 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:15,900 I wanted to stop, I wanted to stop. 35 00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:18,040 I wanted to be a dad to my daughter. 36 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,720 I wanted to be able to talk to my dad. 37 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:23,960 I wanted a driver's license, maybe some kind of a job. 38 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:28,760 I wanted something other than what I was getting at this point 39 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,280 was at this point on March 17th of 2013. 40 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,440 Man, I had absolutely nothing in my life. 41 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:35,200 Every time I take a drink, hit or fix, 42 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,320 and I put it inside my system, 43 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:37,920 I'm sure that I'll have a whole bunch more. 44 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:40,720 And I came from a broken home, raised by my mom, 45 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:42,800 parents divorced at five. 46 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,480 My sister at the age of eight went to live with my dad. 47 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:46,760 I stayed with my mom. 48 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:50,360 I went through all these, I went through the typical, 49 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,600 you know, my mom's an addict, my dad's an alcoholic. 50 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:53,600 I used with my mom. 51 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,840 I used with mostly all my family members. 52 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,800 And I went from house to house. 53 00:01:57,800 --> 00:01:59,680 I moved, you know, sometimes, you know, 54 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,820 like every other month or every two to three months, 55 00:02:01,820 --> 00:02:03,220 because my mom didn't know. 56 00:02:03,220 --> 00:02:05,080 My mom didn't know how to be responsible 57 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,080 and pay rent on time. 58 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,880 So we just stayed in until we get kicked out. 59 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,560 I was one of those kids I can turn your gas on. 60 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,080 I can get the power for you. 61 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:13,760 I can talk into the neighbors, you know, 62 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:16,040 inter-cable to hook up your TV. 63 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:17,680 I knew how to do all those type of things 64 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:18,840 at a very young age. 65 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,960 And, you know, so it was no big deal 66 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,280 when I go to people's houses 67 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,000 and like their electricity's off and I do, 68 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,160 I can turn this back on for you. 69 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,200 You know, not a problem, man. 70 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,600 They're like, man, we have no gas. 71 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:30,980 I'm like, well, let's go turn it back. 72 00:02:30,980 --> 00:02:32,420 All we gotta do is break this lock off. 73 00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:33,680 You know, don't even worry about it. 74 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:37,000 You know, and, you know, and by the time I was a ninth, 75 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,760 you know, by the time I was a freshman in high school, 76 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,480 I, you know, I started hanging out with some guys that, 77 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:44,880 you know, that, that, that loved going to jail 78 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:46,860 and loved selling drugs and loved running the streets. 79 00:02:46,860 --> 00:02:49,480 And by the time, you know, my freshman year in high school, 80 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:50,880 and that was the path I went, man. 81 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:55,400 I, I drank in smoking weed and, and, and methamphetamine. 82 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:56,920 I have a light bulb in a laundry room 83 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:59,760 on an apartment complex was just like my thing, man. 84 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,580 Like you thought I lived in these apartments, 85 00:03:01,580 --> 00:03:03,320 but I just stayed in the laundry room, you know, 86 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:06,360 and I just stayed in the laundry room. 87 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,200 It was like, it was a cool spot. 88 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:11,280 And I stole your light bulbs and I smoked meth, you know, 89 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:14,640 and like, and I'd ride my bicycle around, you know, 90 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,000 I hung out at Circle K. 91 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,840 I played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and, you know, 92 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,260 and, and man, I thought it was a really good life. 93 00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:24,280 And a couple of years later down the road, 94 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,960 like I'm losing my teeth and I'm losing like, you know, 95 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,560 I don't know nothing about hygiene 96 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,240 'cause I had no father figure in my life. 97 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:31,920 I didn't really care about what I wore, 98 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,760 what my shoes were and then like that. 99 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:36,560 What I cared about is putting something in the system 100 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,660 so I can be any place but right here and right now. 101 00:03:38,660 --> 00:03:40,000 And I continued to chase that 102 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,840 and I continued to put stuff inside me. 103 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,740 And I was like, you know what, man, I'll never, 104 00:03:43,740 --> 00:03:47,160 I'll never smoke crack, you know, and I smoked crack. 105 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,600 Then even worse, I smoked crack when I was in jail. 106 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,240 And if you guys want to know some stressful times, man, 107 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:55,700 nice, have you ever been in a jail cell and smoked crack 108 00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:57,600 and had to play possum with your, with your, 109 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,280 like, I was like, it was, it was driving me crazy 110 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,960 'cause he kept on holding the crack pipe on my hit, 111 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,080 you know, and that was the worst. 112 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,400 I was like, damn, didn't I hit it? 113 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,120 He'd be like, shh, I want to hit it, you know, 114 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,000 I don't care if they're walking right now, you know, 115 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,720 and, and, you know, and I thought, you know what, 116 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:14,000 I thought, man, I also got, too, I thought, you know, 117 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,280 I thought when I get inside the jail system, 118 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,600 like, I don't want to carry on like how my life was outside. 119 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,000 Like, I don't want to drink pruno. 120 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,600 I don't want to, I don't want to get loaded 121 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,880 while I'm inside jails and institutions 122 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:28,080 and my life on the outside and my life on the inside 123 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:31,360 was full of drugs and alcohol and every which way. 124 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:32,540 And I sold it on the streets. 125 00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:33,880 I sold it inside the systems. 126 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:37,720 Like, I have this like, no, I, you know, by that time, 127 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:39,720 I was like, you know, 18 years old. 128 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,880 I had 160 traffic tickets. 129 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,420 I had a car that looked like it was just dying 130 00:04:44,420 --> 00:04:47,040 of the disease just like me and I bought this car 131 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,680 when I was like 15 years old over a drug deal 132 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,120 and somebody's backyard and like, I, and like, 133 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,600 I just drove the crap out of this car 134 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,360 and it is, it always started up, man. 135 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,580 This car, oh, it didn't matter how bad it would, 136 00:04:58,580 --> 00:05:01,760 but this car always started up no matter what, man. 137 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,560 And like one time I wouldn't start 138 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,440 and it was just because I was out of gas, you know, 139 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:09,440 like once again, I don't pay attention to gauges, man. 140 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,160 You know, someone was like, did you put gas in here? 141 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:14,280 I was like, man, maybe it can't, it can't be that, 142 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,200 you know, it can't be that, you know, 143 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,080 and it was just out of gas, you know, 144 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,100 and I keep a picture in that car of that car 145 00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:22,560 inside my big book, you know, 146 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:25,560 and 'cause I got a picture of that car after, 147 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:26,920 I've been up for too many days 148 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,200 and I had 160 traffic tickets in it 149 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,080 and that one day someone gave me some tools 150 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,480 and the only thing I had to take part with my own car. 151 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:37,640 And so in my backyard was full of tumbleweeds 152 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,400 and was full of me just taking apart this car 153 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,000 and then for somehow, some odd reason, 154 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,440 someone took a picture of me out there with that car 155 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:49,120 and to this day I got that picture and it's in my big book 156 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:51,600 and it reminds me 'cause I always say this, man, 157 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,480 like I come out of my house, 158 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:54,960 I'm usually never in my house but a trap house, 159 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,600 I never really had a house, 160 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,260 even my own home felt like a trap house 161 00:05:58,260 --> 00:06:00,800 and people standing in trailers in the backyard 162 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,000 or tents on one side, trailers on the other, 163 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,480 you know, we didn't have like a lot of stuff going on. 164 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:09,000 I come to or wake up or whatever it is that day 165 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,480 and I come outside and I see this car, 166 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,600 it was a 1977 Toyota Celica and I look at it 167 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,320 and I'm like, this fucking piece of junk, dude. 168 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,400 I did not like it, man, I hated it. 169 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:20,560 I hated everything about it 170 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,000 'cause I know that every time I hop in this car, 171 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,400 I'm gonna get in trouble and something's gonna happen 172 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,280 and yet I hop inside of it, man, 173 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,080 and I pull out a screwdriver to start it. 174 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,120 I had to kick the door to open it. 175 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,840 Everything in the car just vibrated and shook 176 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:36,640 and sometimes if you take a corner, 177 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,080 the door would fly open and it was like, 178 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,800 people would be like, dude, this is a death trap. 179 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,120 You're like, it's not that bad. 180 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,840 Like, it's not a death trap, you know. 181 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,960 The tires did, the tires were not the same, 182 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,440 the wheels did not match, like the interior, 183 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,440 it smelled like either like, you know, 184 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,560 it just smelled weird, like gasoline on the inside, 185 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:54,560 like you weren't sure, you know, 186 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,280 but it always started and I go down, 187 00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:59,080 I take this car and eating given morning 188 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:01,360 when I come to or anything like that, man, 189 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:04,360 and I go down to the liquor store and I give me a bottle 190 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:06,160 and I drive down to the connection's house 191 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:07,640 and I park a couple blocks down 192 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,840 'cause it was one of those cars that I drove 193 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:10,960 and had so many tickets, 194 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,040 like the cops would just follow that car around 195 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:14,400 and be like, this house we're gonna hit. 196 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,600 So I have to park way down the street 197 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:17,840 and it goes through the desert 198 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,160 and hop down this, you know, goalie 199 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:22,480 and I pop up in your backyard and I get loaded 200 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,360 and then I, you know, by sundown, 201 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,040 I make my way back over to the car 202 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,360 and it's like I turn a corner and I see that car. 203 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,440 Man, it's like, it's like, damn, this car's like classic. 204 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,880 And it seemed like the more I drank and it used, 205 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,400 the more I see this car in a whole different form. 206 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,840 It was like the sounds that I made, I did not hear. 207 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:41,040 And it seemed like, and it just seemed like all the tires, 208 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:42,520 even though they didn't match, like when I, 209 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:45,120 like the more I drank, the more he's like hopping this car 210 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,280 and it just seemed like it was go straight down the road, 211 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,880 man, and that's the way it is for my life, man. 212 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,120 It's like the more I drink and the more I use, 213 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,480 more all that stuff out there just seems the same. 214 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:56,280 It just, it just seemed normal to me, you know? 215 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:59,200 And that car, man, I took it apart and I was like, 216 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,720 I woke up and I was like, why did I do that? 217 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:02,560 Why did I do that? 218 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:03,880 You know, like, why did I, damn, 219 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:05,640 can I put it back together, you know? 220 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,120 And I'm 18 years old, 19 years old. 221 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,440 I started doing prison time, started doing jail time, 222 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,000 YA time, county time, prison time. 223 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,480 By the time I'm 23, I'm getting out of, you know, 224 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:16,320 I'm getting out of jail. 225 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:19,320 I'm having a little girl and like, I cannot stay sober. 226 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,840 I couldn't, I could not put a drink. 227 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,720 I cannot stop putting a drink, hit or fix inside my system. 228 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:25,480 And it didn't matter if I was having a baby, 229 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:27,480 if my grandma was dying or anything like that. 230 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,440 Like I did not show up for anything, 231 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,040 any of my responsibilities, anything I needed to be done, 232 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,600 I surely did not do. 233 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,640 And I'm sitting there and my mom's calling me, 234 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,160 telling me that I have a little girl in the hospital. 235 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:39,960 And I, and it just did not interest. 236 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,440 What interested me was me when I dropped her off 237 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,000 at the hospital and I told her, 238 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,800 I'm gonna go outside and smoke a cigarette. 239 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,400 I went outside, I smoked a cigarette. 240 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,840 I ended up over at Bobby's house down around the corner. 241 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:51,560 And I was in his garage for the next three days. 242 00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:53,680 And I was just, I was just getting loaded. 243 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:55,800 That little girl came out, beautiful little thing 244 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,760 and drove her home, couldn't stay home. 245 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,520 For the next nine years, that little girl's life, 246 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:01,720 man, I was in and out of prison. 247 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:05,360 And I, you know, this is what I do is I get out of jail, 248 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,920 get out of prison, I parole, my mom would have her. 249 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,680 The first time I get out, you know, I'd be like, 250 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:10,920 oh, I'm not gonna go back. 251 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,400 And I build all this trust up 252 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,240 and I build all this relationship up. 253 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,640 And she, you know, I have some time with her 254 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:17,640 and then while she sleeps, 255 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,600 I'll be out running the streets and I get busted. 256 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,840 I wanna come back to three to four or five more years. 257 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,560 Then I do that same cycle again. 258 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,000 And I do that same cycle again. 259 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,760 And she no longer called me, she no longer called me dad, 260 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:29,000 she called me Garrett. 261 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,680 She no longer even wanted me around to sit by her, 262 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,400 eat with her, be in the same house as her. 263 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,600 Like she, if I came in the house just to sit there 264 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:36,680 'cause I'm wanting to build this, 265 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,200 like it's like the only thing I wanted 266 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,720 until I got loaded and then I didn't want it no more. 267 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,080 One day I told her, man, I built it all back up. 268 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:44,880 She's over, she's like six, seven years old. 269 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,240 And I just told her, I was like, you know, 270 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,120 dad will be right back to watch this movie with you. 271 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,520 I'm just gonna run down the street real quick. 272 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,560 I didn't come back for a couple of years. 273 00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:54,920 My disease, man, is that I tried multiple institutions 274 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,680 and multiple rehabs and multiple places like that. 275 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,360 And I couldn't stay. 276 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,400 Like I really like, I wanted it. 277 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,920 Like I read these steps, I hear people's stories. 278 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,280 Like I, all this stuff, like it intrigued me. 279 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,880 Everything about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous 280 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,880 or our NA or CA, anything like that. 281 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,760 Like all that unity within all the programs, man. 282 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,600 Like it really, really, really, 283 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,720 really captured me on the outside. 284 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:18,820 I go to a treatment center. 285 00:10:18,820 --> 00:10:20,980 I wanna wear like, you know, we all share clothes. 286 00:10:20,980 --> 00:10:22,440 We all would share everything. 287 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,160 We all go to meetings and we all would just, you know, 288 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,080 come to a meeting and we all just, you know, 289 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:28,840 be in this sort of group and we, you know, 290 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,440 like in everything and it felt good. 291 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,320 And it's, and my guys are just, you know, just like, man, 292 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:37,640 and none of us would stay, no matter how bad we wanted it. 293 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,680 2012, I get out, man, by this time, 294 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,520 I stopped talking to my dad and my little sister. 295 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,840 My, everyone I talked to was my mom. 296 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:45,880 Everyone I talked to was my mom 297 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,080 'cause she gets loaded like me. 298 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,080 And I get out, I get loaded with my mom 299 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,280 and I get loaded with my mom. 300 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,880 I get drunk on the bus back to my hometown. 301 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,680 I get loaded as soon as I saw my mom. 302 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,400 And once I got loaded from seeing my mom, 303 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:57,600 I'd be running with the homeboys 304 00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,520 and it was just a matter of time before I'm busted again. 305 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,480 I go back into prison and I was like, man, 306 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,120 I'm never gonna put a needle in my arm, 307 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,720 but here I am selling drugs in prison. 308 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,560 I'm doing these drops, I'm doing all these things. 309 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:09,440 And all of a sudden, man, the one thing comes in, 310 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:10,600 I'm sitting there in my cell. 311 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,600 I just did a drop and this guy breaks the pipe 312 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,560 and I look up my buddy, man, and I get a syringe 313 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:17,040 and I stab myself in the needle. 314 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,840 And I thought, this is only gonna stay 315 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,320 inside the prison system. 316 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,800 I'm not gonna do this when I get out. 317 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,840 When I got out, man, I couldn't keep a syringe out. 318 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,520 That means that I had track marks all over my body. 319 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:31,080 And that means that the level of I don't care about anything 320 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,840 other than getting loaded was just like that. 321 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,360 The only thing I cared about was getting loaded. 322 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:38,600 I didn't care, I didn't wanna see my daughter. 323 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:39,720 I didn't wanna see my family. 324 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:40,560 I don't wanna work. 325 00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:41,760 I didn't want no responsibilities. 326 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:43,920 All I wanted to do was I just wanted to, 327 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:44,760 I had that disease the more. 328 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,040 In 2012, I ended up in a treatment center. 329 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,160 It wasn't because I wanted to go 330 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:53,080 or they issued me to go, it was that I went to jail 331 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,880 and they said, you know, all your old cases expire, 332 00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:56,720 whatever like that. 333 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,040 So we're gonna send you to this drug treatment program. 334 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,240 And I went to this place and I absolutely loved it. 335 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:03,640 It was just like, it was a hotel. 336 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,280 It was co-ed, it was a whole lot better than jail. 337 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,400 And I was just able to go in there and co-medial 338 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:09,360 and do all this stuff. 339 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,080 And I really got, man, like I got me a sponsor. 340 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:12,920 I worked some steps. 341 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,520 I got involved in some fellowship. 342 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,000 I did some service commitments. 343 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:16,920 I did all this stuff. 344 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,560 I did everything they told me to do there. 345 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:19,840 Moment I left there, I got local. 346 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,840 And it was like, I was on this train ride 347 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,720 from Pomona to Antelope Valley. 348 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,160 And I felt like I wasn't sick. 349 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,000 I wasn't hungry. 350 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:26,840 I wasn't thirsty. 351 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,840 I just have this thing inside my stomach. 352 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:30,960 I couldn't recall it. 353 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,200 Like I knew it, even though I wanted to die. 354 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,000 Like something was inside of me and I felt it, man. 355 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,240 And as soon as somebody gave me the offer, man, 356 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:41,280 I had no defense against that first drink hit or fix, man. 357 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:42,880 The first thing I did is I grabbed it. 358 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,480 I drank it and I was like, damn, I just messed up. 359 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,480 I got out of jail on December 28th of 2012. 360 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:51,240 My life is in shreds. 361 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,720 I have nothing going on on the outside world. 362 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:58,720 And on Valentine's Day of 2013, 363 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,840 I got track marks from my ankles up to my neck 364 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:02,960 all the way down my arms. 365 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,440 I got bandanas wrapped around my arms. 366 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,920 I turned the bathrooms at chevrons and AM/PMs. 367 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,280 I turned them into my prison cell 368 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,080 and I go in there for one or two hours. 369 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:14,640 And it's just like a big old scene inside the bathroom 370 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:16,920 and fearing the disease and you know what I'm talking about. 371 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:21,080 And on that morning on Valentine's Day, 372 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:22,960 a person shooting at me on the streets, 373 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:26,120 a person shooting at me and I run after him. 374 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,040 I tried to catch him. 375 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,440 I tried to throw him this brick at him. 376 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:32,320 I threw my arm out and my clothes are too big. 377 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,280 It's just like everything's not making sense. 378 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,840 And I call that person on those gangsters call 379 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:37,680 when we get in trouble. 380 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:40,560 I call my mom and it's loaded with my mom. 381 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,440 My mom draws me off at this liquor store 382 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,600 on I and 15th Street West in Lancaster. 383 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:49,040 And I go inside, I get me a bottle and I go to my hideout. 384 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:52,120 And an off-duty officer saw me coming from that house 385 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:54,240 to the, from that liquor store to that house. 386 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,960 And they just knocked down every window, 387 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,160 every door that came in deep 388 00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,480 and they arrested me one more time. 389 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,480 I go in jail, I'm drinking hand sanitizer 390 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,200 with top ramen packs on it. 391 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:04,760 And I'm eating happy cards 392 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,760 and I'm running the circles around the jail system. 393 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:10,640 And from March 17th to 2013, I arrived at a treatment. 394 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,200 I don't know, like for people who were in and out 395 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,600 of treatments and in and like that, 396 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,700 like we can't, nobody could have told me 397 00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:17,760 that was gonna be the day. 398 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:19,680 It's something like that, that utterly, 399 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,840 that defeat that they talk about, man, 400 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,200 that that's something deep down inside yourself 401 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,720 that you really, really, really want something different, man. 402 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,240 And I got, I really, really deep down inside me 403 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:30,320 wanted something different. 404 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,680 And I'm sitting there beside this treatment center lobby 405 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:36,320 off this bus and I got my see-through blue jumpsuit, 406 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,960 bright green maxes on, and I'm in a position 407 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,040 I've been in too many times. 408 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,820 And that's with my hands on my head 409 00:14:41,820 --> 00:14:43,280 and my elbows on my knees. 410 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:44,920 I'm like, how'd I get here again? 411 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:45,840 I had no way out. 412 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,960 I had no, no left, no left turns, no right turns. 413 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,600 I'm just, I have to be, I'm just accepted. 414 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,080 And I'm in that position where I have to accept 415 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:52,920 right where I'm at. 416 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:55,520 And that person came through the lobby door that I knew 417 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:56,520 and his name was Levi. 418 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:57,960 And Levi said, "Hey, Garrett, man." 419 00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,040 He said, "Hey, big bro, man." 420 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,360 He's like, "Hey, so good to see you." 421 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:01,760 And he came up to me and gave me this big, 422 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:02,840 old, warm, welcoming hug. 423 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,800 And I'm not talking about one of those hugs that you get, 424 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:06,800 like, you know, from some person you have. 425 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,440 And like, he came up and he put his arms around me 426 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,880 and he hugged me and it's like, I felt his heartbeat. 427 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,180 And he hugged me for like 30 seconds to a minute, man. 428 00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:15,900 And then the next thing he says is this is, 429 00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:17,040 "I really hope you stay." 430 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,040 And there was something about that hug that I got 431 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,960 from this other guy, man, that had nine months, 432 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,840 that I knew from the streets that I didn't time with, 433 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,560 I got loaded with, like we did everything. 434 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,520 I mean, we did a lot of stuff together, man. 435 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,200 And there was something about that hug, man, 436 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:29,720 when I walked into that, 437 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,600 to that intake of this treatment facility 438 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:32,720 and they asked me that question 439 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:34,360 that so many times I just lied to. 440 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,240 They said, "Man," they said, "If you want to stay, 441 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:37,060 you can stay. 442 00:15:37,060 --> 00:15:37,900 If you want to go, you want to go, 443 00:15:37,900 --> 00:15:40,280 we'll give you 24 hours before you call your parole officer." 444 00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:41,240 Deep down inside of me, 445 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,600 I made a decision to do something different, believe it or not. 446 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:47,320 And I spent the next 16, 17 months 447 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,360 inside of a treatment center, 448 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,080 doing all your rules, doing all your work, 449 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,120 doing everything that was named to me, I did it, man. 450 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,080 And as long as I got a job, 451 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,040 I had to work on all those traffic tickets. 452 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,360 I started working on the relationships with my family. 453 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,080 I started making amends. 454 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,680 What happened is I went to a meeting of NA 455 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,200 and I met this guy and he became my sponsor 456 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,660 and he gave me an introduction into the program. 457 00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:11,780 And he didn't do it by telling me what to do. 458 00:16:11,780 --> 00:16:13,640 He did it by example of what to do. 459 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,960 And he kept on, and he just kept on showing up 460 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,440 and being an example and showing up and he'd be an example. 461 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,600 And he'd show up, I'd get in his car 462 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:22,120 and I'd be like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 463 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,040 And he'd be like, "Yes, yep, yep, yep, yep." 464 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:25,360 And he'd take me to a meeting 465 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,000 and he'd plug me into a commitment 466 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,480 and he'd plug me into people. 467 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,120 These other people would pick me up 468 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:31,120 and they'd do the same thing. 469 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:32,640 They'd take me over to a panel 470 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,520 and then they'd take me back, they'd pick me up, 471 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:36,840 they'd take me to a convention, they'd take me over, 472 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,080 they'd take me to some dumb stuff, they'd take me to bingo, 473 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:41,560 they'd take me to karaoke, 474 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:42,960 they'd take me to all this stuff. 475 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,920 And I'd be like, "I don't, it's a whole lot better 476 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:45,960 "than sitting in treatment." 477 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,720 So I just went, you know, and I did all this stuff, man, 478 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,600 and I'm meeting people and meeting people and doing that. 479 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,520 And we had this big old group of guys 480 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:56,040 and we sat in the back and they always called on him 481 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:57,740 and every single meeting they call on him 482 00:16:57,740 --> 00:17:00,320 and every time after he got done, he'd call me. 483 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,540 And you know, it'd be popcorn, he'd be like, 484 00:17:01,540 --> 00:17:03,140 "All right, Garrett, go ahead." 485 00:17:03,140 --> 00:17:03,980 And I'd be like, "All right." 486 00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:06,300 And I'd start sharing and then I'd start sharing 487 00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:07,960 and I'd be like, "Oh, and that guy." 488 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,200 I just fell in love, like I just kept on showing up. 489 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,160 I just kept on doing it, I did not complain. 490 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,680 I didn't, see, I didn't come in here 491 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,280 to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous 492 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,440 to tell you people how I'm gonna do my program. 493 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,400 I came in here so you guys can show me 494 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,120 or teach me a way to live life 495 00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:22,600 'cause I don't know how to live life. 496 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,760 I still to this day, man, like I don't know how to live life. 497 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,880 I have to be taught, I still have to be sponsored 498 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,440 because the life that I live 499 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,480 is a life that I never lived before in my life. 500 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,680 Everything to this point in my life is new, man, 501 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,080 and I still gotta have a sponsor. 502 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:37,400 I still gotta run my ideas to somebody else. 503 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:40,240 I still gotta, I still gotta check the ego, the pride. 504 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,040 I gotta, I still gotta, like it's scary, man, 505 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,120 and I go through this program, man, 506 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,400 and I need all this stuff, and the big day comes, 507 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,440 and that big day comes when I have to leave that place. 508 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,640 And now I have to go out from underneath this umbrella, man, 509 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:52,920 and I've been watching, I've been sitting there 510 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,160 in this treatment center for so long. 511 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,680 I've been watching people go like in a, 512 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,440 utterly like a, just in a rotation, 513 00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:59,200 in a rotation, in a rotation, 514 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:00,520 and I'm talking about one of those places 515 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:03,800 the cops be coming, they be raiding the treatment facility, 516 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,560 there's drugs inside, there's drugs outside, 517 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:08,240 it's just like, it's all this crazy stuff is happening, man, 518 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:11,600 and I was just one of those ones, man. 519 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,480 Like I just wanted to make it, man. 520 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:15,040 I just, I go to these groups, 521 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:16,720 and they talk about these percentages, man, man, 522 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,600 like nine out of 10 people, you know, 523 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,880 nine out of, like 1% of people in treatment make it, man, 524 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:23,200 and I just wanted to be that 1%. 525 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,240 They're talking about it's one out of five people making 526 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:27,080 when they get out of prison. 527 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,440 Like I just wanted to be that one. 528 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,880 I said, what can separate me from that? 529 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,400 How can I be that stuff one, man? 530 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,020 Like I went on this journey, man, 531 00:18:34,020 --> 00:18:37,280 and I'm gonna tell you, man, like I envy Levi, man. 532 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,280 Levi had more time than me. 533 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:40,120 I met him in there. 534 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,300 I know him, and I'm watching his life just grow, man. 535 00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:43,280 Like I'm watching him. 536 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,880 I'm watching him like his family's giving him visits, 537 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:46,920 and they're bringing gifts, 538 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,840 and like he has all the coolest clothes on, 539 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:50,920 and he smells the best. 540 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,520 He has like all this good stuff, man, 541 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,280 and like me and Levi, man, 542 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:55,920 like we did that buddy system around here. 543 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,560 Like we started getting up, man. 544 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,980 Like we started going to meetings together. 545 00:19:00,980 --> 00:19:02,820 We started getting commitments together. 546 00:19:02,820 --> 00:19:06,320 We started like tag teaming the program, man. 547 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,960 Like if I go on this panel, I want you to go with me, 548 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,920 and then he'd drive us to this panel, 549 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:12,760 and we'd do this panels, 550 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,680 and like on Wednesdays at Shepherd's at the Hill, 551 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:15,880 we had this commitment, man, 552 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,680 and like, you know, the next thing I know, 553 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:18,920 like Levi has a year, 554 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:20,880 and like he's graduating this program, 555 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,800 and like our first like steak and lobster dinner. 556 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:24,800 We're having it, man. 557 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,800 Like I never had a steak and lobster dinner. 558 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,240 First of all, because I can't eat steak, 559 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:29,620 'cause I got no teeth, you know what I'm saying? 560 00:19:29,620 --> 00:19:31,920 So like I'm not eating steak and lobster. 561 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,760 I'm not eating stuff like that, you know? 562 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,900 I mean, mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese, 563 00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:37,000 and like top ramen soup, 564 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:37,840 and like, you know, 565 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:41,000 and we do this nice beautiful lobster steak dinner, 566 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,000 you know, I get my teeth fixed, you know? 567 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,780 All this stuff, man, and I'm watching as Levi, 568 00:19:45,780 --> 00:19:48,320 man, I'm like living in his shadows. 569 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,720 He gets all these achievements here in the recovery, man, 570 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,120 and I envied him, and I envied him, 571 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:52,940 'cause you know what? 572 00:19:52,940 --> 00:19:54,760 He gets his car, and he gets this nice job. 573 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,080 He gets this beautiful girl. 574 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,200 He gets, man, he moves out. 575 00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,960 He gets a small little apartment, man, 576 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:03,120 and I'm on this V cruiser, at least like Deebo's bike, 577 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,080 and I'm riding with a backpack. 578 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:09,120 I'm riding with a backpack full of a coffee commitment, man, 579 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,960 and I'm riding like a three miles, you know? 580 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,400 It doesn't matter, rain, wind. 581 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,400 So I don't care the weather. 582 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,080 I'm riding to my commitment to get there early 583 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:18,680 to make this coffee, 584 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,680 and I want this coffee to be the best coffee, 585 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,440 so I make sure that I do my homework, 586 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:23,720 and I'm stewing up, 587 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,680 and I finally got my first cell phone, 588 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,900 and I'm calling Levi, and I'm like Levi, man. 589 00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:30,240 It's Wednesday night. 590 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:31,320 Are you gonna be there tonight? 591 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,520 And he'd be like, Garret, man, he's like, I love, 592 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:37,000 he's like, you know, I love AA, and I love recovery, 593 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,880 but tonight, man, is, you know, like I worked a double. 594 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:41,400 I'd be like, damn, you worked a double, man. 595 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:42,400 How much money did you make? 596 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,200 He'd be like, oh, man, I got that double pay, you know, 597 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,400 and I'm a little tired of that, so I can't make it, man. 598 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,360 Yeah, you know, tell everybody how much I love him 599 00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,160 and miss him, and I'd be like, all right, not a problem. 600 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,320 And I'd go in there, and I'd be like, 601 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,200 yeah, Levi's doing so good, man. 602 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,200 Got this job, he's making the big bust. 603 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:59,840 We got this truck, man, that's like, and it's so good. 604 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,400 I hope I got a truck like that. 605 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,320 I really hope I get a job like him, you know, 606 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,720 and I'd call him, you know, the next week, 607 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:06,560 and I'd be like, hey, Levi, you coming this week? 608 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,160 And he'd be like, man, you know, I told a lady, man, 609 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,920 that I'd take her out tonight, man, 610 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:12,640 'cause I've been working all these doubles, man, 611 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,040 and, you know, and so we're gonna go on a date. 612 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,920 I'd be like, man, Levi's girl's so gorgeous, man. 613 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,200 How'd he get this, you know? 614 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,400 Then I stopped calling Levi 'cause he never shows up, 615 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:22,800 and a couple guys asked me, and they're like, 616 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,960 man, whatever happened to that guy you used to hang out with? 617 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,880 And I was like, damn, man, it's like I'm so busy 618 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,840 in the program that I forget, 'cause I really don't 619 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:31,980 pay attention to the people who are not around here. 620 00:21:31,980 --> 00:21:33,880 I pay attention to the people who are around here, 621 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,240 and I called Levi up, man, I get no answers, 622 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:39,240 and I'll get no answers, man, and he calls me up one day, 623 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:40,960 and he's like, man, it's like, Garrett, man, 624 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:42,480 I'm sorry I haven't got back to you, man, 625 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,200 but like I got a promotion at work, 626 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,560 and I, you know, I'm buying this house now, you know? 627 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,360 Got this truck, and I'm playing baseball on the weekends, 628 00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,300 going to the gym, everything's fine, man. 629 00:21:51,300 --> 00:21:52,920 Tell the guys I'll be at the meeting next week, 630 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,360 and I don't see 'em, you know? 631 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:56,160 And I'm doing my classes out there, 632 00:21:56,160 --> 00:22:01,160 and I had four DWIs, and they thought 633 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,280 I was mentally retarded at DMV, so. 634 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:07,440 They said that, they said like, they said like, 635 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,800 how are you, why are you even here trying to get a license? 636 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,080 I said like, I really thought I could get my license. 637 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,720 It said that you, that you, there's not, you can't, 638 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:18,920 instead of red flags in the DMV, and I thought like, 639 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,640 what, that's weird, because how did that happen, you know? 640 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,680 And they said, well, first thing you have to do 641 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,640 is you have to go down and get a physical done, 642 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:26,800 and you have to do all this stuff 643 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,360 to get your driver's license, and by the time you do that, 644 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,740 you're gonna have to do all this community service, 645 00:22:31,740 --> 00:22:33,240 and then you gotta do some Caltrans, 646 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,760 and then you gotta do these DWI classes. 647 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:37,680 I'm like, a DUI, how do I get that, you know? 648 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:39,760 Like, you know, and they're like, and then, 649 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:41,420 and then you have to, you know, go to this doctor, 650 00:22:41,420 --> 00:22:43,520 and it was a list, man, it was a full plate of stuff, 651 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,680 and I thought for sure, I was like, you know what? 652 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:48,320 There is no way that I'm gonna be able to do all this stuff, 653 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,860 'cause for once, 'cause every time I look at something, 654 00:22:50,860 --> 00:22:53,000 I look at everything, instead of looking at one thing, 655 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:54,560 and then I went through, man, 656 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,560 and I started doing all this stuff, man, 657 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,480 and I'm sitting there at the Starbucks 658 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:00,680 that I rode my bike to, and I was so embarrassed 659 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,480 and ashamed of how I was living my life 660 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:05,240 that I rode the bike a couple blocks up, 661 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,480 and I locked it up to this bike rack 662 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,480 and inside their building, and I go to Starbucks, 663 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,340 and I started trying to learn how to order coffee 664 00:23:12,340 --> 00:23:14,840 like normal people, 'cause normal people go to Starbucks, 665 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,240 and I don't know nothing about that. 666 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:18,680 I go in there, and I'm like, uh, coffee, you know? 667 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:21,460 And the menu's overwhelming, you know? 668 00:23:21,460 --> 00:23:23,320 They're like vanilla chocolate, I'm just like, 669 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,680 just, uh, they're like venti or grande? 670 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,440 I'm like, uh, the lard, which one's the lard? 671 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:31,400 You know, and I'm sitting out there on the Starbucks, 672 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,140 enjoying my night, going to my classes, 673 00:23:33,140 --> 00:23:34,400 doing what I need to be doing, 674 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:35,840 'cause that's what I have to do, 675 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,880 and out of the air, man, what do I hear? 676 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:40,280 I hear Levi's voice, and he's like, 677 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,400 hey, Derek, big bro, so good to see you. 678 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,600 And I turn around to see my buddy, man, 679 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:46,760 and the guy I see is not the guy that I saw last. 680 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,040 What I do is I see Levi full fledged in his disease, 681 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:49,960 and he has these pants on, 682 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,880 just like he has for a while, and they just don't fit him. 683 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,360 He has a jacket that don't fit, shirt that doesn't fit. 684 00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:56,920 He has some beat-up old shoes, 685 00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:58,640 and he's out there on the streets, man. 686 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,480 He's like, man, these guys took my truck, 687 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:01,640 and this and that. 688 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:03,020 He starts telling me about all this stuff 689 00:24:03,020 --> 00:24:05,320 that's happening out there, and I'm overwhelming, 690 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,160 and I want to stay and talk when I can. 691 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,160 The next question I have is mouth. 692 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,080 He says, Derek, man, can I get five bucks 693 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:11,440 so I can get me a drink right now? 694 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,240 And I give him five bucks so he can get a drink, 695 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:14,400 and I said, man, please, Levi, 696 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:15,640 meet me at the Wieners neutral, man. 697 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:17,440 I got a two-hour DUI class. 698 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:18,880 I'll be over there at nine o'clock, man, 699 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,320 just right after class, man, and I get out, 700 00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:23,440 and I go over to that Wieners neutral, 701 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,000 and Levi's not there, man, and it was at that point 702 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,920 I never really envied Levi's life anymore. 703 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,160 It was that thing that they talk about here in recovery, 704 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:34,960 man, and talk about, I mean, I sat there in treatment. 705 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:36,280 I sat there in meetings with Levi, 706 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,520 and he would just, like, he'd be able to recite 707 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,360 this big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. 708 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:43,720 Like, he knew all the prayers, all the chapters, 709 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,320 all of our readings and stuff like that, 710 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:46,440 and I used to think I was dumb, 711 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,280 because I was like, I can't remember to say 712 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,120 what to say when the meeting closes, 713 00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:53,020 and they call on me to say, what's the prayer, 714 00:24:53,020 --> 00:24:55,080 and I stutter to this day, you know? 715 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,920 And Levi, man, he was one of those ones, man, 716 00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,240 that just says, really, I haven't seen a person fail 717 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,320 who has thoroughly followed his path. 718 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:03,640 Levi left to get to recovery, 719 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:05,080 get in the way, gets to recovery, 720 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,760 and I say that no matter how big my life gets here 721 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:09,400 in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous 722 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,880 or outside Alcoholics Anonymous, 723 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,920 I remember my primary purpose is to be here, 724 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:16,360 to reach my hand out to newcomers, 725 00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:18,040 to be of service the best way I can, 726 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,800 and I'll tell you what my life happened in my life, 727 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,600 is that everything that I thought 728 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:25,280 could not happen in my life has happened to me in my life, 729 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,140 because I stayed here just one more day, 730 00:25:27,140 --> 00:25:30,680 because I decided to work this program before, you know, 731 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:34,200 and to put all this stuff forth, and what it talks about, 732 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,360 I just, I did it the way that it talks about here 733 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,360 in the first 164 pages of the big book 734 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:39,600 of Alcoholics Anonymous. 735 00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,240 It's a spiritual program, you know, 736 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,120 and I found the God of my understanding, 737 00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:47,680 and it talked about like, you know, do you want experience, 738 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:50,160 or, you know, do you want that experience, 739 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:51,840 or do you want self-knowledge, you know, 740 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:53,400 and I used to be like, man, 741 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,400 'cause Levi had all this self-knowledge, you know, 742 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,100 and but he didn't have that much experience, 743 00:25:57,100 --> 00:25:58,960 and I said, well, what's the difference? 744 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,400 So I was like, imagine there's two guys, 745 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:05,320 and they're brothers, man, and they're talking about sex, 746 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:07,560 you know, we all like sex, you know, 747 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:09,680 and they're talking about like, you know, 748 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,280 they're both virgins, and they're young, 749 00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:14,520 and they're like, you know, is it experience, 750 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:16,520 or is it practical knowledge? 751 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:18,440 And the one guy says, you know what, man, 752 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:20,160 I wanna know about orgasms, 753 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,080 and he's like, you know what, I'ma go, 754 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,520 and I'ma get self-knowledge. 755 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:26,220 I'ma go to the libraries, I'ma go ask everybody, 756 00:26:26,220 --> 00:26:27,320 I'ma do all these surveys, 757 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,360 and I'ma get some self-knowledge about this. 758 00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:30,720 You know, and the other brother, he's like, 759 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:32,200 you go and get the experience, 760 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,220 and we'll meet back here, and we'll tell you what happens. 761 00:26:34,220 --> 00:26:36,820 You know, and they go back, and they meet, man, 762 00:26:36,820 --> 00:26:39,080 and the guy with self-knowledge, man, 763 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,320 he goes into a whole physical theory 764 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:43,560 about all the stuff, about what he thinks, 765 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:46,480 and what he knows, and what should happen 766 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:47,840 if you do it like this, 767 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,940 and then his brother talks about the experience 768 00:26:49,940 --> 00:26:51,360 of what you just went through, 769 00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:54,760 and I sure do like the people 770 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,160 that do have the experience around here 771 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:57,480 in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, 772 00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:58,780 and not the self-knowledge. 773 00:26:58,780 --> 00:27:01,080 Like they say that the people who are left here 774 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:03,000 are the people who are, like my friends 775 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,240 in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous 776 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:05,520 are the people who just stay, 777 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:06,800 'cause a lot of us come in here, 778 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:09,240 being our desperate need, but not too many of us stay. 779 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:10,640 And I'll tell you what my life today 780 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:11,760 is beyond my wildest dreams. 781 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:12,960 I've walked through the biggest, 782 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:14,260 I've walked through some of the biggest things 783 00:27:14,260 --> 00:27:15,920 that I've ever walked through in my life 784 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:17,440 in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, 785 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,720 and I did not walk through, and I did not walk alone. 786 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,140 I did not walk scared. 787 00:27:21,140 --> 00:27:24,960 I mean, whether I was scared, afraid, alone, hired, 788 00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:26,120 or didn't think I can get through, 789 00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:28,960 I'm gonna let you guys know now that I 100%, man, 790 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,000 walked here openly and freely, 791 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,200 and just opened with the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. 792 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:35,560 Like I came in here, and I was just like, 793 00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:38,640 I didn't matter if I was, it talks about it in her book, 794 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:40,820 on page 450 and 451, it says, 795 00:27:40,820 --> 00:27:42,860 "The tides of life flow instantly up and down. 796 00:27:42,860 --> 00:27:45,440 "Life is life, but my recovery must stay the same." 797 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,480 What I got here is the same thing I learned in treatment 798 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:49,080 is I got me a program of recovery 799 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:51,000 that works for the ups and downs of life. 800 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,120 It does not matter how good my life is 801 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,940 or how bad my life is, this program 100%, 802 00:27:55,940 --> 00:27:57,760 every single time, works for me, 803 00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,160 as long as I allow it to work. 804 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:00,940 And I come in here, and I'll tell you 805 00:28:00,940 --> 00:28:03,600 a quick little story, man, and that relationship 806 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,840 with my daughter is 100%, everything with my family, 807 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,840 I have amended all those relationships with my dad, 808 00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:11,100 I've walked through my dad's death, 809 00:28:11,100 --> 00:28:13,680 the relationships with my mom, and everything, 810 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:15,280 I've amended all that stuff, 811 00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:16,880 and I've walked through that death, 812 00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:19,480 and I had a couple of the children, 813 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:23,200 and they never have seen me drink or use anything like that, 814 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:25,400 and that little girl is one of my best friends, man, 815 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:28,840 she is just like, she is 21 years old to this day, 816 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:31,340 and she loves her dad, she calls me on a regular basis, 817 00:28:31,340 --> 00:28:32,960 and I'm gonna tell you this, man, 818 00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:34,920 is like I, this is, and this I'm gonna sum up 819 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:37,320 the program of Alcoholics Anonymous Cheat, man, right now, 820 00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:41,120 is that I, to this day, am involved in this way of life, 821 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,760 and I was at this retreat with my sponsor, 822 00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,920 and my sponsor was, you know, watching me shave my head, 823 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:49,240 and he was like, he was like, what are you doing, you know, 824 00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:52,620 'cause I learned how to shave my head inside a jail 825 00:28:52,620 --> 00:28:54,680 with orange grenade razor blades, man, 826 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:58,080 and PIA soap, you know, and I'd lather it all up, 827 00:28:58,080 --> 00:28:59,800 and I'd shave it, and shave it, and cut it, 828 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:02,520 and bleed everywhere, I'd just start bleeding out everywhere, 829 00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:03,600 and I used to think it was funny, 830 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:05,520 I'd go up to the window and scare the guards, you know, 831 00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:08,960 and be like, oh, maybe, you know, and I'm just kidding, man, 832 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:12,400 I just need to tell him, you know, and I was sitting there, 833 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:15,520 I'm in this bathroom at this retreat with my sponsor, 834 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,800 and a whole bunch of those guys are in this house, 835 00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:20,560 and I was shaving, and blood's running down my face, 836 00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:23,320 and he sees me, and he's like, man, what are you doing, 837 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:26,200 and I was like, I'm shaving, and it doesn't look 838 00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:28,640 like you're shaving, you know, and what he did 839 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,140 is this man showed me a new way to do something 840 00:29:31,140 --> 00:29:34,020 that I already knew, and the main thing is 841 00:29:34,020 --> 00:29:37,120 that I was willing to learn something that I already knew, 842 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,360 and here in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, 843 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,360 what it is is a constant reminder of I have 844 00:29:41,360 --> 00:29:43,960 to keep on learning stuff that I already have, 845 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:45,840 that I already think I know, and that's when it talks 846 00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:48,560 about the ego, and the pride, and stepping to the side, 847 00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:51,740 and letting it be, to where like, man, I come here 848 00:29:51,740 --> 00:29:54,240 to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and like, 849 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,880 and you know, and I get a little bit of time, 850 00:29:56,880 --> 00:30:00,520 and I work with lots of guys, and I do all these commitments, 851 00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:03,000 and I start living this AA way of life, 852 00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:06,840 like my number one primary purpose is Alcoholics Anonymous, 853 00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:09,180 because without it, I wouldn't have nothing else below it, 854 00:30:09,180 --> 00:30:11,840 man, and that's 'cause my family, my relationships, 855 00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:16,720 like the kids that, my whole life is because of, 856 00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:19,540 I just started putting this way of life 857 00:30:19,540 --> 00:30:22,600 into a way of living, man, and like my, 858 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:25,440 this way of life is sometimes the hardest thing to do 859 00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:28,400 because I fight it, and I go from step three, man, 860 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:30,840 and I, like, people always ask me, like, 861 00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:32,440 how can you always be having the guy? 862 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:34,440 I'm just so grateful today, man, 863 00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:36,640 that my head is where my feet are at. 864 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:38,720 When people ask me, like, why you always have a good day? 865 00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:40,280 Why are you always smiling? 866 00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:41,520 Why are you always so happy? 867 00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:43,620 And I'm like, man, 'cause in the 12 steps, 868 00:30:43,620 --> 00:30:45,960 there's this chapter, and it's chapter three, 869 00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:47,840 and it says I turn my will and my life over 870 00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:50,160 to the care of God on a daily basis, 871 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:54,720 and I find that if I, on a daily basis, or at a moment, 872 00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:57,320 turn my will and my life over to the care of God, 873 00:30:57,320 --> 00:30:58,800 and then, well, what is the problem? 874 00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:01,920 The only problem is that me, I keep on going back in there, 875 00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:03,440 and I keep on taking my will back, 876 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:05,080 and I keep on grabbing hold of stuff 877 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:07,120 that I shouldn't be holding on in the first place, 878 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:09,040 and once I try to get my control back, 879 00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:11,840 instead of flowing with the ebb and flow of life, man, 880 00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:13,080 like, it's just the ebb and flow. 881 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:16,000 Like, I gotta go and do this flow of life, man, 882 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,400 and I just gotta let what's gonna happen, 883 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:20,140 what's gonna happen, and I gotta say that, man, 884 00:31:20,140 --> 00:31:23,280 today, I'm just so grateful to be able to be 885 00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:25,440 just a member of Alcoholics Anonymous today 886 00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:26,440 for the image here.