My name is Garrett, I'm an alcoholic.
And my name is Garrett, I'm an alcoholic.
And thank you for having me come out tonight
and share the meeting.
Thank you for opening it up for me.
I absolutely just love Alcoholics Anonymous.
I love being where there's a gavel,
like I'm in a courtroom.
And I like it that there's lights on this podium.
I never had that before in the podium.
So that's pretty new.
But I'll share with you a couple of important names.
My home group is the Raptors out there in Santa Clarita.
That is my home group.
My sponsor's name is Lance Rodriguez.
And I should buy these 317, 2013.
I'm forever grateful for that day.
And I'm gonna share in a general way
what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now.
And I feel really tall 'cause I'm on a step.
I'm already tall and like I'm on this.
And I'm like, "Damn, I feel good."
You know, like I'm up here today.
And I absolutely, I didn't come in here
with like no passion, no energy,
no love for a program that I didn't know.
I didn't come in here thinking that I wanted to see God,
meet God, be with God, pray to God or anything like that.
And I simply landed in the treatment center
on March 17th of 2013.
And all I wanted to do is I wanted to stop using
and drinking the way I was.
I wanted to stop going to prison.
I wanted to stop, I wanted to stop.
I wanted to be a dad to my daughter.
I wanted to be able to talk to my dad.
I wanted a driver's license, maybe some kind of a job.
I wanted something other than what I was getting at this point
was at this point on March 17th of 2013.
Man, I had absolutely nothing in my life.
Every time I take a drink, hit or fix,
and I put it inside my system,
I'm sure that I'll have a whole bunch more.
And I came from a broken home, raised by my mom,
parents divorced at five.
My sister at the age of eight went to live with my dad.
I stayed with my mom.
I went through all these, I went through the typical,
you know, my mom's an addict, my dad's an alcoholic.
I used with my mom.
I used with mostly all my family members.
And I went from house to house.
I moved, you know, sometimes, you know,
like every other month or every two to three months,
because my mom didn't know.
My mom didn't know how to be responsible
and pay rent on time.
So we just stayed in until we get kicked out.
I was one of those kids I can turn your gas on.
I can get the power for you.
I can talk into the neighbors, you know,
inter-cable to hook up your TV.
I knew how to do all those type of things
at a very young age.
And, you know, so it was no big deal
when I go to people's houses
and like their electricity's off and I do,
I can turn this back on for you.
You know, not a problem, man.
They're like, man, we have no gas.
I'm like, well, let's go turn it back.
All we gotta do is break this lock off.
You know, don't even worry about it.
You know, and, you know, and by the time I was a ninth,
you know, by the time I was a freshman in high school,
I, you know, I started hanging out with some guys that,
you know, that, that, that loved going to jail
and loved selling drugs and loved running the streets.
And by the time, you know, my freshman year in high school,
and that was the path I went, man.
I, I drank in smoking weed and, and, and methamphetamine.
I have a light bulb in a laundry room
on an apartment complex was just like my thing, man.
Like you thought I lived in these apartments,
but I just stayed in the laundry room, you know,
and I just stayed in the laundry room.
It was like, it was a cool spot.
And I stole your light bulbs and I smoked meth, you know,
and like, and I'd ride my bicycle around, you know,
I hung out at Circle K.
I played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and, you know,
and, and man, I thought it was a really good life.
And a couple of years later down the road,
like I'm losing my teeth and I'm losing like, you know,
I don't know nothing about hygiene
'cause I had no father figure in my life.
I didn't really care about what I wore,
what my shoes were and then like that.
What I cared about is putting something in the system
so I can be any place but right here and right now.
And I continued to chase that
and I continued to put stuff inside me.
And I was like, you know what, man, I'll never,
I'll never smoke crack, you know, and I smoked crack.
Then even worse, I smoked crack when I was in jail.
And if you guys want to know some stressful times, man,
nice, have you ever been in a jail cell and smoked crack
and had to play possum with your, with your,
like, I was like, it was, it was driving me crazy
'cause he kept on holding the crack pipe on my hit,
you know, and that was the worst.
I was like, damn, didn't I hit it?
He'd be like, shh, I want to hit it, you know,
I don't care if they're walking right now, you know,
and, and, you know, and I thought, you know what,
I thought, man, I also got, too, I thought, you know,
I thought when I get inside the jail system,
like, I don't want to carry on like how my life was outside.
Like, I don't want to drink pruno.
I don't want to, I don't want to get loaded
while I'm inside jails and institutions
and my life on the outside and my life on the inside
was full of drugs and alcohol and every which way.
And I sold it on the streets.
I sold it inside the systems.
Like, I have this like, no, I, you know, by that time,
I was like, you know, 18 years old.
I had 160 traffic tickets.
I had a car that looked like it was just dying
of the disease just like me and I bought this car
when I was like 15 years old over a drug deal
and somebody's backyard and like, I, and like,
I just drove the crap out of this car
and it is, it always started up, man.
This car, oh, it didn't matter how bad it would,
but this car always started up no matter what, man.
And like one time I wouldn't start
and it was just because I was out of gas, you know,
like once again, I don't pay attention to gauges, man.
You know, someone was like, did you put gas in here?
I was like, man, maybe it can't, it can't be that,
you know, it can't be that, you know,
and it was just out of gas, you know,
and I keep a picture in that car of that car
inside my big book, you know,
and 'cause I got a picture of that car after,
I've been up for too many days
and I had 160 traffic tickets in it
and that one day someone gave me some tools
and the only thing I had to take part with my own car.
And so in my backyard was full of tumbleweeds
and was full of me just taking apart this car
and then for somehow, some odd reason,
someone took a picture of me out there with that car
and to this day I got that picture and it's in my big book
and it reminds me 'cause I always say this, man,
like I come out of my house,
I'm usually never in my house but a trap house,
I never really had a house,
even my own home felt like a trap house
and people standing in trailers in the backyard
or tents on one side, trailers on the other,
you know, we didn't have like a lot of stuff going on.
I come to or wake up or whatever it is that day
and I come outside and I see this car,
it was a 1977 Toyota Celica and I look at it
and I'm like, this fucking piece of junk, dude.
I did not like it, man, I hated it.
I hated everything about it
'cause I know that every time I hop in this car,
I'm gonna get in trouble and something's gonna happen
and yet I hop inside of it, man,
and I pull out a screwdriver to start it.
I had to kick the door to open it.
Everything in the car just vibrated and shook
and sometimes if you take a corner,
the door would fly open and it was like,
people would be like, dude, this is a death trap.
You're like, it's not that bad.
Like, it's not a death trap, you know.
The tires did, the tires were not the same,
the wheels did not match, like the interior,
it smelled like either like, you know,
it just smelled weird, like gasoline on the inside,
like you weren't sure, you know,
but it always started and I go down,
I take this car and eating given morning
when I come to or anything like that, man,
and I go down to the liquor store and I give me a bottle
and I drive down to the connection's house
and I park a couple blocks down
'cause it was one of those cars that I drove
and had so many tickets,
like the cops would just follow that car around
and be like, this house we're gonna hit.
So I have to park way down the street
and it goes through the desert
and hop down this, you know, goalie
and I pop up in your backyard and I get loaded
and then I, you know, by sundown,
I make my way back over to the car
and it's like I turn a corner and I see that car.
Man, it's like, it's like, damn, this car's like classic.
And it seemed like the more I drank and it used,
the more I see this car in a whole different form.
It was like the sounds that I made, I did not hear.
And it seemed like, and it just seemed like all the tires,
even though they didn't match, like when I,
like the more I drank, the more he's like hopping this car
and it just seemed like it was go straight down the road,
man, and that's the way it is for my life, man.
It's like the more I drink and the more I use,
more all that stuff out there just seems the same.
It just, it just seemed normal to me, you know?
And that car, man, I took it apart and I was like,
I woke up and I was like, why did I do that?
Why did I do that?
You know, like, why did I, damn,
can I put it back together, you know?
And I'm 18 years old, 19 years old.
I started doing prison time, started doing jail time,
YA time, county time, prison time.
By the time I'm 23, I'm getting out of, you know,
I'm getting out of jail.
I'm having a little girl and like, I cannot stay sober.
I couldn't, I could not put a drink.
I cannot stop putting a drink, hit or fix inside my system.
And it didn't matter if I was having a baby,
if my grandma was dying or anything like that.
Like I did not show up for anything,
any of my responsibilities, anything I needed to be done,
I surely did not do.
And I'm sitting there and my mom's calling me,
telling me that I have a little girl in the hospital.
And I, and it just did not interest.
What interested me was me when I dropped her off
at the hospital and I told her,
I'm gonna go outside and smoke a cigarette.
I went outside, I smoked a cigarette.
I ended up over at Bobby's house down around the corner.
And I was in his garage for the next three days.
And I was just, I was just getting loaded.
That little girl came out, beautiful little thing
and drove her home, couldn't stay home.
For the next nine years, that little girl's life,
man, I was in and out of prison.
And I, you know, this is what I do is I get out of jail,
get out of prison, I parole, my mom would have her.
The first time I get out, you know, I'd be like,
oh, I'm not gonna go back.
And I build all this trust up
and I build all this relationship up.
And she, you know, I have some time with her
and then while she sleeps,
I'll be out running the streets and I get busted.
I wanna come back to three to four or five more years.
Then I do that same cycle again.
And I do that same cycle again.
And she no longer called me, she no longer called me dad,
she called me Garrett.
She no longer even wanted me around to sit by her,
eat with her, be in the same house as her.
Like she, if I came in the house just to sit there
'cause I'm wanting to build this,
like it's like the only thing I wanted
until I got loaded and then I didn't want it no more.
One day I told her, man, I built it all back up.
She's over, she's like six, seven years old.
And I just told her, I was like, you know,
dad will be right back to watch this movie with you.
I'm just gonna run down the street real quick.
I didn't come back for a couple of years.
My disease, man, is that I tried multiple institutions
and multiple rehabs and multiple places like that.
And I couldn't stay.
Like I really like, I wanted it.
Like I read these steps, I hear people's stories.
Like I, all this stuff, like it intrigued me.
Everything about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous
or our NA or CA, anything like that.
Like all that unity within all the programs, man.
Like it really, really, really,
really captured me on the outside.
I go to a treatment center.
I wanna wear like, you know, we all share clothes.
We all would share everything.
We all go to meetings and we all would just, you know,
come to a meeting and we all just, you know,
be in this sort of group and we, you know,
like in everything and it felt good.
And it's, and my guys are just, you know, just like, man,
and none of us would stay, no matter how bad we wanted it.
2012, I get out, man, by this time,
I stopped talking to my dad and my little sister.
My, everyone I talked to was my mom.
Everyone I talked to was my mom
'cause she gets loaded like me.
And I get out, I get loaded with my mom
and I get loaded with my mom.
I get drunk on the bus back to my hometown.
I get loaded as soon as I saw my mom.
And once I got loaded from seeing my mom,
I'd be running with the homeboys
and it was just a matter of time before I'm busted again.
I go back into prison and I was like, man,
I'm never gonna put a needle in my arm,
but here I am selling drugs in prison.
I'm doing these drops, I'm doing all these things.
And all of a sudden, man, the one thing comes in,
I'm sitting there in my cell.
I just did a drop and this guy breaks the pipe
and I look up my buddy, man, and I get a syringe
and I stab myself in the needle.
And I thought, this is only gonna stay
inside the prison system.
I'm not gonna do this when I get out.
When I got out, man, I couldn't keep a syringe out.
That means that I had track marks all over my body.
And that means that the level of I don't care about anything
other than getting loaded was just like that.
The only thing I cared about was getting loaded.
I didn't care, I didn't wanna see my daughter.
I didn't wanna see my family.
I don't wanna work.
I didn't want no responsibilities.
All I wanted to do was I just wanted to,
I had that disease the more.
In 2012, I ended up in a treatment center.
It wasn't because I wanted to go
or they issued me to go, it was that I went to jail
and they said, you know, all your old cases expire,
whatever like that.
So we're gonna send you to this drug treatment program.
And I went to this place and I absolutely loved it.
It was just like, it was a hotel.
It was co-ed, it was a whole lot better than jail.
And I was just able to go in there and co-medial
and do all this stuff.
And I really got, man, like I got me a sponsor.
I worked some steps.
I got involved in some fellowship.
I did some service commitments.
I did all this stuff.
I did everything they told me to do there.
Moment I left there, I got local.
And it was like, I was on this train ride
from Pomona to Antelope Valley.
And I felt like I wasn't sick.
I wasn't hungry.
I wasn't thirsty.
I just have this thing inside my stomach.
I couldn't recall it.
Like I knew it, even though I wanted to die.
Like something was inside of me and I felt it, man.
And as soon as somebody gave me the offer, man,
I had no defense against that first drink hit or fix, man.
The first thing I did is I grabbed it.
I drank it and I was like, damn, I just messed up.
I got out of jail on December 28th of 2012.
My life is in shreds.
I have nothing going on on the outside world.
And on Valentine's Day of 2013,
I got track marks from my ankles up to my neck
all the way down my arms.
I got bandanas wrapped around my arms.
I turned the bathrooms at chevrons and AM/PMs.
I turned them into my prison cell
and I go in there for one or two hours.
And it's just like a big old scene inside the bathroom
and fearing the disease and you know what I'm talking about.
And on that morning on Valentine's Day,
a person shooting at me on the streets,
a person shooting at me and I run after him.
I tried to catch him.
I tried to throw him this brick at him.
I threw my arm out and my clothes are too big.
It's just like everything's not making sense.
And I call that person on those gangsters call
when we get in trouble.
I call my mom and it's loaded with my mom.
My mom draws me off at this liquor store
on I and 15th Street West in Lancaster.
And I go inside, I get me a bottle and I go to my hideout.
And an off-duty officer saw me coming from that house
to the, from that liquor store to that house.
And they just knocked down every window,
every door that came in deep
and they arrested me one more time.
I go in jail, I'm drinking hand sanitizer
with top ramen packs on it.
And I'm eating happy cards
and I'm running the circles around the jail system.
And from March 17th to 2013, I arrived at a treatment.
I don't know, like for people who were in and out
of treatments and in and like that,
like we can't, nobody could have told me
that was gonna be the day.
It's something like that, that utterly,
that defeat that they talk about, man,
that that's something deep down inside yourself
that you really, really, really want something different, man.
And I got, I really, really deep down inside me
wanted something different.
And I'm sitting there beside this treatment center lobby
off this bus and I got my see-through blue jumpsuit,
bright green maxes on, and I'm in a position
I've been in too many times.
And that's with my hands on my head
and my elbows on my knees.
I'm like, how'd I get here again?
I had no way out.
I had no, no left, no left turns, no right turns.
I'm just, I have to be, I'm just accepted.
And I'm in that position where I have to accept
right where I'm at.
And that person came through the lobby door that I knew
and his name was Levi.
And Levi said, "Hey, Garrett, man."
He said, "Hey, big bro, man."
He's like, "Hey, so good to see you."
And he came up to me and gave me this big,
old, warm, welcoming hug.
And I'm not talking about one of those hugs that you get,
like, you know, from some person you have.
And like, he came up and he put his arms around me
and he hugged me and it's like, I felt his heartbeat.
And he hugged me for like 30 seconds to a minute, man.
And then the next thing he says is this is,
"I really hope you stay."
And there was something about that hug that I got
from this other guy, man, that had nine months,
that I knew from the streets that I didn't time with,
I got loaded with, like we did everything.
I mean, we did a lot of stuff together, man.
And there was something about that hug, man,
when I walked into that,
to that intake of this treatment facility
and they asked me that question
that so many times I just lied to.
They said, "Man," they said, "If you want to stay,
you can stay.
If you want to go, you want to go,
we'll give you 24 hours before you call your parole officer."
Deep down inside of me,
I made a decision to do something different, believe it or not.
And I spent the next 16, 17 months
inside of a treatment center,
doing all your rules, doing all your work,
doing everything that was named to me, I did it, man.
And as long as I got a job,
I had to work on all those traffic tickets.
I started working on the relationships with my family.
I started making amends.
What happened is I went to a meeting of NA
and I met this guy and he became my sponsor
and he gave me an introduction into the program.
And he didn't do it by telling me what to do.
He did it by example of what to do.
And he kept on, and he just kept on showing up
and being an example and showing up and he'd be an example.
And he'd show up, I'd get in his car
and I'd be like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And he'd be like, "Yes, yep, yep, yep, yep."
And he'd take me to a meeting
and he'd plug me into a commitment
and he'd plug me into people.
These other people would pick me up
and they'd do the same thing.
They'd take me over to a panel
and then they'd take me back, they'd pick me up,
they'd take me to a convention, they'd take me over,
they'd take me to some dumb stuff, they'd take me to bingo,
they'd take me to karaoke,
they'd take me to all this stuff.
And I'd be like, "I don't, it's a whole lot better
"than sitting in treatment."
So I just went, you know, and I did all this stuff, man,
and I'm meeting people and meeting people and doing that.
And we had this big old group of guys
and we sat in the back and they always called on him
and every single meeting they call on him
and every time after he got done, he'd call me.
And you know, it'd be popcorn, he'd be like,
"All right, Garrett, go ahead."
And I'd be like, "All right."
And I'd start sharing and then I'd start sharing
and I'd be like, "Oh, and that guy."
I just fell in love, like I just kept on showing up.
I just kept on doing it, I did not complain.
I didn't, see, I didn't come in here
to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous
to tell you people how I'm gonna do my program.
I came in here so you guys can show me
or teach me a way to live life
'cause I don't know how to live life.
I still to this day, man, like I don't know how to live life.
I have to be taught, I still have to be sponsored
because the life that I live
is a life that I never lived before in my life.
Everything to this point in my life is new, man,
and I still gotta have a sponsor.
I still gotta run my ideas to somebody else.
I still gotta, I still gotta check the ego, the pride.
I gotta, I still gotta, like it's scary, man,
and I go through this program, man,
and I need all this stuff, and the big day comes,
and that big day comes when I have to leave that place.
And now I have to go out from underneath this umbrella, man,
and I've been watching, I've been sitting there
in this treatment center for so long.
I've been watching people go like in a,
utterly like a, just in a rotation,
in a rotation, in a rotation,
and I'm talking about one of those places
the cops be coming, they be raiding the treatment facility,
there's drugs inside, there's drugs outside,
it's just like, it's all this crazy stuff is happening, man,
and I was just one of those ones, man.
Like I just wanted to make it, man.
I just, I go to these groups,
and they talk about these percentages, man, man,
like nine out of 10 people, you know,
nine out of, like 1% of people in treatment make it, man,
and I just wanted to be that 1%.
They're talking about it's one out of five people making
when they get out of prison.
Like I just wanted to be that one.
I said, what can separate me from that?
How can I be that stuff one, man?
Like I went on this journey, man,
and I'm gonna tell you, man, like I envy Levi, man.
Levi had more time than me.
I met him in there.
I know him, and I'm watching his life just grow, man.
Like I'm watching him.
I'm watching him like his family's giving him visits,
and they're bringing gifts,
and like he has all the coolest clothes on,
and he smells the best.
He has like all this good stuff, man,
and like me and Levi, man,
like we did that buddy system around here.
Like we started getting up, man.
Like we started going to meetings together.
We started getting commitments together.
We started like tag teaming the program, man.
Like if I go on this panel, I want you to go with me,
and then he'd drive us to this panel,
and we'd do this panels,
and like on Wednesdays at Shepherd's at the Hill,
we had this commitment, man,
and like, you know, the next thing I know,
like Levi has a year,
and like he's graduating this program,
and like our first like steak and lobster dinner.
We're having it, man.
Like I never had a steak and lobster dinner.
First of all, because I can't eat steak,
'cause I got no teeth, you know what I'm saying?
So like I'm not eating steak and lobster.
I'm not eating stuff like that, you know?
I mean, mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese,
and like top ramen soup,
and like, you know,
and we do this nice beautiful lobster steak dinner,
you know, I get my teeth fixed, you know?
All this stuff, man, and I'm watching as Levi,
man, I'm like living in his shadows.
He gets all these achievements here in the recovery, man,
and I envied him, and I envied him,
'cause you know what?
He gets his car, and he gets this nice job.
He gets this beautiful girl.
He gets, man, he moves out.
He gets a small little apartment, man,
and I'm on this V cruiser, at least like Deebo's bike,
and I'm riding with a backpack.
I'm riding with a backpack full of a coffee commitment, man,
and I'm riding like a three miles, you know?
It doesn't matter, rain, wind.
So I don't care the weather.
I'm riding to my commitment to get there early
to make this coffee,
and I want this coffee to be the best coffee,
so I make sure that I do my homework,
and I'm stewing up,
and I finally got my first cell phone,
and I'm calling Levi, and I'm like Levi, man.
It's Wednesday night.
Are you gonna be there tonight?
And he'd be like, Garret, man, he's like, I love,
he's like, you know, I love AA, and I love recovery,
but tonight, man, is, you know, like I worked a double.
I'd be like, damn, you worked a double, man.
How much money did you make?
He'd be like, oh, man, I got that double pay, you know,
and I'm a little tired of that, so I can't make it, man.
Yeah, you know, tell everybody how much I love him
and miss him, and I'd be like, all right, not a problem.
And I'd go in there, and I'd be like,
yeah, Levi's doing so good, man.
Got this job, he's making the big bust.
We got this truck, man, that's like, and it's so good.
I hope I got a truck like that.
I really hope I get a job like him, you know,
and I'd call him, you know, the next week,
and I'd be like, hey, Levi, you coming this week?
And he'd be like, man, you know, I told a lady, man,
that I'd take her out tonight, man,
'cause I've been working all these doubles, man,
and, you know, and so we're gonna go on a date.
I'd be like, man, Levi's girl's so gorgeous, man.
How'd he get this, you know?
Then I stopped calling Levi 'cause he never shows up,
and a couple guys asked me, and they're like,
man, whatever happened to that guy you used to hang out with?
And I was like, damn, man, it's like I'm so busy
in the program that I forget, 'cause I really don't
pay attention to the people who are not around here.
I pay attention to the people who are around here,
and I called Levi up, man, I get no answers,
and I'll get no answers, man, and he calls me up one day,
and he's like, man, it's like, Garrett, man,
I'm sorry I haven't got back to you, man,
but like I got a promotion at work,
and I, you know, I'm buying this house now, you know?
Got this truck, and I'm playing baseball on the weekends,
going to the gym, everything's fine, man.
Tell the guys I'll be at the meeting next week,
and I don't see 'em, you know?
And I'm doing my classes out there,
and I had four DWIs, and they thought
I was mentally retarded at DMV, so.
They said that, they said like, they said like,
how are you, why are you even here trying to get a license?
I said like, I really thought I could get my license.
It said that you, that you, there's not, you can't,
instead of red flags in the DMV, and I thought like,
what, that's weird, because how did that happen, you know?
And they said, well, first thing you have to do
is you have to go down and get a physical done,
and you have to do all this stuff
to get your driver's license, and by the time you do that,
you're gonna have to do all this community service,
and then you gotta do some Caltrans,
and then you gotta do these DWI classes.
I'm like, a DUI, how do I get that, you know?
Like, you know, and they're like, and then,
and then you have to, you know, go to this doctor,
and it was a list, man, it was a full plate of stuff,
and I thought for sure, I was like, you know what?
There is no way that I'm gonna be able to do all this stuff,
'cause for once, 'cause every time I look at something,
I look at everything, instead of looking at one thing,
and then I went through, man,
and I started doing all this stuff, man,
and I'm sitting there at the Starbucks
that I rode my bike to, and I was so embarrassed
and ashamed of how I was living my life
that I rode the bike a couple blocks up,
and I locked it up to this bike rack
and inside their building, and I go to Starbucks,
and I started trying to learn how to order coffee
like normal people, 'cause normal people go to Starbucks,
and I don't know nothing about that.
I go in there, and I'm like, uh, coffee, you know?
And the menu's overwhelming, you know?
They're like vanilla chocolate, I'm just like,
just, uh, they're like venti or grande?
I'm like, uh, the lard, which one's the lard?
You know, and I'm sitting out there on the Starbucks,
enjoying my night, going to my classes,
doing what I need to be doing,
'cause that's what I have to do,
and out of the air, man, what do I hear?
I hear Levi's voice, and he's like,
hey, Derek, big bro, so good to see you.
And I turn around to see my buddy, man,
and the guy I see is not the guy that I saw last.
What I do is I see Levi full fledged in his disease,
and he has these pants on,
just like he has for a while, and they just don't fit him.
He has a jacket that don't fit, shirt that doesn't fit.
He has some beat-up old shoes,
and he's out there on the streets, man.
He's like, man, these guys took my truck,
and this and that.
He starts telling me about all this stuff
that's happening out there, and I'm overwhelming,
and I want to stay and talk when I can.
The next question I have is mouth.
He says, Derek, man, can I get five bucks
so I can get me a drink right now?
And I give him five bucks so he can get a drink,
and I said, man, please, Levi,
meet me at the Wieners neutral, man.
I got a two-hour DUI class.
I'll be over there at nine o'clock, man,
just right after class, man, and I get out,
and I go over to that Wieners neutral,
and Levi's not there, man, and it was at that point
I never really envied Levi's life anymore.
It was that thing that they talk about here in recovery,
man, and talk about, I mean, I sat there in treatment.
I sat there in meetings with Levi,
and he would just, like, he'd be able to recite
this big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Like, he knew all the prayers, all the chapters,
all of our readings and stuff like that,
and I used to think I was dumb,
because I was like, I can't remember to say
what to say when the meeting closes,
and they call on me to say, what's the prayer,
and I stutter to this day, you know?
And Levi, man, he was one of those ones, man,
that just says, really, I haven't seen a person fail
who has thoroughly followed his path.
Levi left to get to recovery,
get in the way, gets to recovery,
and I say that no matter how big my life gets here
in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous
or outside Alcoholics Anonymous,
I remember my primary purpose is to be here,
to reach my hand out to newcomers,
to be of service the best way I can,
and I'll tell you what my life happened in my life,
is that everything that I thought
could not happen in my life has happened to me in my life,
because I stayed here just one more day,
because I decided to work this program before, you know,
and to put all this stuff forth, and what it talks about,
I just, I did it the way that it talks about here
in the first 164 pages of the big book
of Alcoholics Anonymous.
It's a spiritual program, you know,
and I found the God of my understanding,
and it talked about like, you know, do you want experience,
or, you know, do you want that experience,
or do you want self-knowledge, you know,
and I used to be like, man,
'cause Levi had all this self-knowledge, you know,
and but he didn't have that much experience,
and I said, well, what's the difference?
So I was like, imagine there's two guys,
and they're brothers, man, and they're talking about sex,
you know, we all like sex, you know,
and they're talking about like, you know,
they're both virgins, and they're young,
and they're like, you know, is it experience,
or is it practical knowledge?
And the one guy says, you know what, man,
I wanna know about orgasms,
and he's like, you know what, I'ma go,
and I'ma get self-knowledge.
I'ma go to the libraries, I'ma go ask everybody,
I'ma do all these surveys,
and I'ma get some self-knowledge about this.
You know, and the other brother, he's like,
you go and get the experience,
and we'll meet back here, and we'll tell you what happens.
You know, and they go back, and they meet, man,
and the guy with self-knowledge, man,
he goes into a whole physical theory
about all the stuff, about what he thinks,
and what he knows, and what should happen
if you do it like this,
and then his brother talks about the experience
of what you just went through,
and I sure do like the people
that do have the experience around here
in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous,
and not the self-knowledge.
Like they say that the people who are left here
are the people who are, like my friends
in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous
are the people who just stay,
'cause a lot of us come in here,
being our desperate need, but not too many of us stay.
And I'll tell you what my life today
is beyond my wildest dreams.
I've walked through the biggest,
I've walked through some of the biggest things
that I've ever walked through in my life
in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous,
and I did not walk through, and I did not walk alone.
I did not walk scared.
I mean, whether I was scared, afraid, alone, hired,
or didn't think I can get through,
I'm gonna let you guys know now that I 100%, man,
walked here openly and freely,
and just opened with the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Like I came in here, and I was just like,
I didn't matter if I was, it talks about it in her book,
on page 450 and 451, it says,
"The tides of life flow instantly up and down.
"Life is life, but my recovery must stay the same."
What I got here is the same thing I learned in treatment
is I got me a program of recovery
that works for the ups and downs of life.
It does not matter how good my life is
or how bad my life is, this program 100%,
every single time, works for me,
as long as I allow it to work.
And I come in here, and I'll tell you
a quick little story, man, and that relationship
with my daughter is 100%, everything with my family,
I have amended all those relationships with my dad,
I've walked through my dad's death,
the relationships with my mom, and everything,
I've amended all that stuff,
and I've walked through that death,
and I had a couple of the children,
and they never have seen me drink or use anything like that,
and that little girl is one of my best friends, man,
she is just like, she is 21 years old to this day,
and she loves her dad, she calls me on a regular basis,
and I'm gonna tell you this, man,
is like I, this is, and this I'm gonna sum up
the program of Alcoholics Anonymous Cheat, man, right now,
is that I, to this day, am involved in this way of life,
and I was at this retreat with my sponsor,
and my sponsor was, you know, watching me shave my head,
and he was like, he was like, what are you doing, you know,
'cause I learned how to shave my head inside a jail
with orange grenade razor blades, man,
and PIA soap, you know, and I'd lather it all up,
and I'd shave it, and shave it, and cut it,
and bleed everywhere, I'd just start bleeding out everywhere,
and I used to think it was funny,
I'd go up to the window and scare the guards, you know,
and be like, oh, maybe, you know, and I'm just kidding, man,
I just need to tell him, you know, and I was sitting there,
I'm in this bathroom at this retreat with my sponsor,
and a whole bunch of those guys are in this house,
and I was shaving, and blood's running down my face,
and he sees me, and he's like, man, what are you doing,
and I was like, I'm shaving, and it doesn't look
like you're shaving, you know, and what he did
is this man showed me a new way to do something
that I already knew, and the main thing is
that I was willing to learn something that I already knew,
and here in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous,
what it is is a constant reminder of I have
to keep on learning stuff that I already have,
that I already think I know, and that's when it talks
about the ego, and the pride, and stepping to the side,
and letting it be, to where like, man, I come here
to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and like,
and you know, and I get a little bit of time,
and I work with lots of guys, and I do all these commitments,
and I start living this AA way of life,
like my number one primary purpose is Alcoholics Anonymous,
because without it, I wouldn't have nothing else below it,
man, and that's 'cause my family, my relationships,
like the kids that, my whole life is because of,
I just started putting this way of life
into a way of living, man, and like my,
this way of life is sometimes the hardest thing to do
because I fight it, and I go from step three, man,
and I, like, people always ask me, like,
how can you always be having the guy?
I'm just so grateful today, man,
that my head is where my feet are at.
When people ask me, like, why you always have a good day?
Why are you always smiling?
Why are you always so happy?
And I'm like, man, 'cause in the 12 steps,
there's this chapter, and it's chapter three,
and it says I turn my will and my life over
to the care of God on a daily basis,
and I find that if I, on a daily basis, or at a moment,
turn my will and my life over to the care of God,
and then, well, what is the problem?
The only problem is that me, I keep on going back in there,
and I keep on taking my will back,
and I keep on grabbing hold of stuff
that I shouldn't be holding on in the first place,
and once I try to get my control back,
instead of flowing with the ebb and flow of life, man,
like, it's just the ebb and flow.
Like, I gotta go and do this flow of life, man,
and I just gotta let what's gonna happen,
what's gonna happen, and I gotta say that, man,
today, I'm just so grateful to be able to be
just a member of Alcoholics Anonymous today
for the image here.