1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,140 I'm kind of slow cuz I overdid it at the gym. So thinking I'm 20 years old, okay 2 00:00:04,140 --> 00:00:11,240 My name is Sean and I am an alcoholic definitely and my sobriety dates April 9th 2015. Hey Monty, what's up? Um, first I want to 3 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:14,240 I want to share about 4 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:16,920 First I'm going to tell you what I do today 5 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:21,800 To stay here and what I do today and how bad it got what I have to do today 6 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:26,960 So I don't have to go back to what got me here. You know what I mean? Um, I sponsor guys 7 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,960 I have a sponsor who has a sponsor 8 00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:30,760 I've 9 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:34,920 Did I say my sobriety date? Yeah, I've been through the steps quite a few times and 10 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:41,980 I'm kind of sensing I go to another program too. So I'll probably going through that program 11 00:00:41,980 --> 00:00:45,280 I've done the angles and all the all the 12 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:51,480 Different points of view with AA steps. I'm like, well, maybe it's time for me to do those steps over there 13 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:55,580 But that's that that's that that program. I sponsor guys Thursday 14 00:00:55,580 --> 00:01:01,480 I just took took a gentleman through the fifth step and it was amazing to see to see people when they come in and then 15 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:06,340 You see what they evolve into you just and you're just watching it from up just from here 16 00:01:06,340 --> 00:01:09,640 You're just like wow. Wow, and the feeling you get 17 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,200 like when he finished his 18 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:16,300 His fifth step and I told about the part of the big book where you when you go home 19 00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:19,760 Just you have to spend the rest of the night with with your higher power with your God 20 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:25,320 I believe that's page 74 talks about you know, knowing what you just did go home and be with yourself for Eagles 21 00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:30,080 all right, so it's beautiful and that feeling that you get to know that 22 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:35,520 You were instrumental in this no money could buy that feeling. Um, I sponsor guys, you know 23 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:42,900 I have I have seven sponsors three are in the work for I hear crickets. So the percentages are about right, right? 24 00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:52,080 They say I'm their sponsor, but that's about it. Um, I'm third generation a a my grandpa my dad and now me and I 25 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:55,480 I'm a service as much as I possibly can be 26 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:58,920 Service could be many things 27 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:02,600 Service can be for me not only in the rooms, but out there in the world 28 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:10,160 Step 12 having had past tense a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. We try to carry this message 29 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:17,720 Alcoholics and practices principles all our affairs all our affairs to me means out there to not just writing them on the steps on paper 30 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,160 but you learn to live them and when your feet meet the street, that's 31 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:26,880 You I can work the steps in the room and still be the biggest a-hole out there cussing people out and stuff 32 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,680 But when you stay when I've stayed I've learned staying around 33 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:37,360 And having ten years and then my first meeting was in 1992. Ah, I identified that I had a problem 34 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:40,880 But I didn't stay but I have a joke and this place has jokes 35 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:44,760 My first meeting in 1992 was at the improv and the joke was on me 36 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:49,840 for years until 2015 took that long I 37 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:53,680 Don't have any commitments right now 38 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:58,960 I need to get busy and get some because I've heard a couple meetings where you don't it's like wow 39 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:04,440 But we're working work will work get in the way and this like Sean you wouldn't have a job if you weren't sober 40 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:09,520 So, um about my sponsor says Sean you've been around a long enough. You'll get a commitment 41 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:15,780 You know what to do and he goes, how about this stay committed to your commitment to be committed to alcoholics anonymous? 42 00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:20,480 He says that's a commitment in itself. He was overthinking things. I'm like, he says you'll get one. I'm like, oh 43 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:27,720 Just stay committed to this program that saved your life. Oh, you know what? It's the old-timers. I love it 44 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:31,360 I'm standing here because old-timers prayed like hell for me 45 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:38,000 My dad my grandpa and and even even in the meetings the old-timers when when they share, um, I'm a sponge 46 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,520 I soak it up and in the beginning they 47 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:44,160 Were tell me what I needed to hear when I didn't want to hear it 48 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:47,700 My first go-to used to be custom out half Spanish half 49 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:53,160 Half in English, but my mom left. Oh, yeah and all that and stuff, but I I can't today 50 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:58,080 I I just keep my fingers in my pockets. In fact, I don't even have my fingers out anymore. I've learned Sean 51 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:02,920 They're telling you because they love you and they're showing you some tough love you baby. Um, you bury them 52 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:07,480 I learned that from that come from them. I'm like, oh that hit deep when I first heard that 53 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:13,800 I'm not here to coddle you this thing is saves our lives and we can't baby people here because they end up in a casket 54 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,400 Um, oh, um, so that's what I do and then you know 55 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:24,080 especially especially being out there and I've learned from old-timers and stuff and and being of service out there in the world and 56 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:31,220 It gets me emotional sometimes where you I call it. Sometimes I'm like pinch me like pinch me moments to 57 00:04:31,220 --> 00:04:38,400 To be standing here and then I often say, you know, I am today. I am proof 58 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:40,880 I am the proof and evidence that 59 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:49,680 Actually, no, I am the proof and evidence of the grace of God that saved me and I'm also living breathing proof that people can 60 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:57,120 Change a person can change people can change as a whole in these rooms and individually and we see it every day 61 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:03,720 That's in this room and it's it's on here we change and then I know we all have those moments where and I I get tears 62 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,040 They're tears of gratitude 63 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:09,760 I've just think of where I once was where I was there then and to see where I am here now 64 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:13,680 And I'm not really worried about over here cuz I know God's gonna be there with me 65 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:17,400 Anyway, he was there then my higher powers here now 66 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:21,440 It's gonna be there with me tomorrow because me and my higher power we have and I'll get into my story 67 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:25,800 But when I first got in here, I came in here with a lot of 68 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:32,680 Religion for God. Yeah, I know God. Yeah, Sean. I found out through these steps. Yeah, you knew God you knew of him 69 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:36,200 You didn't know him intimately and personally I had a relationship with him 70 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,840 I came in here with a lot of religion for God you introduced me 71 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:45,320 You can't you basically said come on inside do what we do do what you're told and taught and we're gonna introduce you to someone 72 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:50,720 And that someone's gonna introduce you to someone else you introduced me to my god and my own personal relationship 73 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:55,600 I found through the through the steps through the steps and God introduced me to me 74 00:05:55,600 --> 00:06:00,320 I never knew the me that I was always meant to be but I I'm the one that that 75 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:06,840 Accumulated garbage clutter and debris set there by me using my my seven-step prayer 76 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:15,320 My sponsor have the third step right it to where it caters to you my seven-step prayer write it to where it caters to you 77 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:23,120 individually between you and your God because it's between you and I tell my sponsors - it's between between you and your God and 78 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:28,460 As unique as you are as a person from me, that's the same unique relationship 79 00:06:28,460 --> 00:06:33,880 You're gonna have your higher power and no one can touch it and I can say that about my unique person that I am 80 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:41,160 Has a unique personal relationship with my higher power that no one can touch no one in my family my sponsor 81 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:46,240 But my best friend no one it's between me and God and it's like this and it's tight 82 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:52,740 I didn't have that coming in here and I learned that in these rooms and and things that had to happen. So let me backtrack 83 00:06:53,660 --> 00:07:00,200 My name is Sean Connell O'Neill about as Irish as you can get right Sean Connell O'Neill. My dad was the big 84 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,120 xboxer 85 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:08,200 He was used to fight at the Olympic Auditorium in downtown. He was the big ruler a brought bruiser heavyweight boxer 86 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:13,500 I used to I talked about my dad because that's why I believe that's one of the reasons I'm standing here because it pops 87 00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:17,920 Um and in the end before he passed away in 2015, I had four months 88 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:19,960 We were going to meetings together and it was beautiful 89 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:27,000 But my dad was a big surfer from he's like a big biker big old beard long hair tattoos surfer from Santa Monica 90 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:31,900 He moved to Anaheim and made a chola Chicana my mom and then had a bunch of crazy kids 91 00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:34,920 I'm one of them there was eight of us and check this out 92 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:42,280 There was eight of us two alcoholics addicts my sister Michelle and me and I say the the Irish and my mom's at Chicano 93 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,280 So that makes me a leprechaun Oh, okay 94 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:51,800 So, um, but what happened with me personally was is my dad was in his disease 95 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:59,320 He had 35 years sober and he was clean as well when he passed away and especially in 2015. I had four months and 96 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,760 and 97 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:05,080 When he was in his disease, he almost he almost killed my mom 98 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:11,280 um, and this is what what affected me into my using and stuff and drinking and stuff was is 99 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:16,400 and he went to he went to jail for it and she left basically to save her life and 100 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:22,960 Basically took four kids one was adopted out and three kids went with her and then for me my twin brother 101 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:27,280 Who's who's a normie and my my two sisters were put in foster homes 102 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:33,320 but before that when my dad went to jail my mom left to basically to save her life because she had a metal plate in her 103 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,480 head from him beating her in his drunken rages and 104 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:39,880 We were given the impression that she abandoned us and wanted nothing to do with us 105 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:44,900 I found out later on from my mom's side of the family because they both were like my dad's side and my mom's side they 106 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:49,280 Talked she's made what crap on each other, but we found out I found out later 107 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:50,280 It was the opposite 108 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:56,040 My mom was the most loving caring kind beautiful woman that you could ever meet and and when she used to call me Miho 109 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,560 I would like this before she passed away two years ago 110 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:01,080 She'd say I love you Miho and I'm like that little kid again 111 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:03,800 Just that word just melts me and I'm getting goosebumps now 112 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,840 That's basically her probably telling me I can hear you Miho. I can hear you talking 113 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:10,320 Um, and so she left to save her life and my dad went to jail 114 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:14,080 We were put in first and this was in the city of Orange. It's called Albert sitting home 115 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:19,400 It was kind of like a little little orphanage for kids and it was like I felt like a like dog 116 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:25,200 Like I later on I felt that we felt like dogs dogs in a kennel in a dog pound here 117 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:29,360 We are in these little cubicles playing toys and these adults are going by. Oh, look at that one 118 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:35,160 Oh, what about that little kid over there? Oh, he's so cute. He's adorable and you're just that little kid 119 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:41,960 just looking at who's who are these people staring at us and pointing us feeling like a little dog in a pound because 120 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:46,440 That's when I started to have no trust in adults my dad 121 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:52,360 I thought my mom abandoned us and here we are these weird adults staring at us. So we go to foster homes 122 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:57,560 I was in my own. My brother was down the street. My two sisters were in Fountain Valley in the same home 123 00:09:57,560 --> 00:10:01,960 I don't know what happened in there is all I know is what happened in mine and it was from age five to seven 124 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,960 I have a mark on my my 125 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:07,040 Eyebrow and I'll fast forward over here, but I have a mark on my eyebrow 126 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:11,720 I got need to share on this part mark on my eyebrow where one of the foster fathers 127 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:15,560 I was it we were in the foster homes from age five. I was age five to seven 128 00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:20,160 My foster father would say hey Sean go to go peepee before you go to bed and then call me in here so I can see 129 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:21,800 You went cuz I don't want you going in the bed 130 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:22,400 Okay 131 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:26,120 One time I flushed it and he had been drinking and he comes in and he goes did you go peepee? 132 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:26,560 I said yes 133 00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:32,080 he goes don't lie to me you and he cussed me out picked me up by my ankles and slammed my head into the toilet bowl and 134 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,880 There was just bloody and I passed out they take me out of that home 135 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:38,360 but me in another home where an older male but trapped me in a tool shed and 136 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:43,980 Sexually molest me and not let me leave until he finished and I kept that for years and years later 137 00:10:43,980 --> 00:10:48,160 When I was in a rehab, I told my dad and he didn't know and he got really quiet 138 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:53,520 In fact, I kind of know what he was probably thinking had I not put those kids through that Sean never would have went 139 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,400 I don't know why other brothers and sisters went through it could be good 140 00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:00,280 I know my two sisters had a good home and I don't know about my brothers 141 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:05,900 But I know what mine were I was bounced from home to home in those two years. It was for two years and and 142 00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:11,360 I do believe this was hindsight. I do believe later on because my dad was old-school 143 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:14,080 Xboxer he believed in violence 144 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:19,160 He believed in effing people up he would come and hunt you down and he was gonna destroy you 145 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:25,200 Physically with his hands or with a bat or whatever. That's how he rolled and I believe later on I believe 146 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:30,200 God saved my dad cuz had my dad found out that his because he would do anything for his kids 147 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:34,220 He was very protective had my dad found out that those two guys did that to his son 148 00:11:34,220 --> 00:11:39,840 He probably would have been serving two life terms for killing killing someone that did something to his kid because that's how he rolled 149 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:44,840 You don't come near my kids. I'm gonna hunt you down. That's how he was. He changed when he came into a 150 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:50,580 He a told my dad to man up handle your business and take care of what what you did 151 00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:53,960 You did this and a him showed him get yourself together 152 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,080 So my dad got himself together was in the rooms 153 00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:03,240 And this was in that this was in the 70s that he got he got custody of four of us and raised us 154 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:07,840 It was a crazy house because we would it was this big buffed out white dude with four little 155 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:12,720 Little Latino kids following him around all the time in the store and always driving him crazy 156 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:16,720 You guys are driving me crazy. We're running around causing trouble, but he was a good dad 157 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:21,040 He was a good Danny and he did what he knew because his house was was a mess up was a mess, too 158 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:26,160 And he did the best he could um, he was always working. So granted we grew up in the barrio 159 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:33,120 So down by Santana and orange and and and you you we learned to do what people do in the barrio 160 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,580 Survival his dad's not there 161 00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:41,200 We ever cook for ourselves. We had to do all that stuff and and my grandma helped a little but 162 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:46,360 It was survival. So and and so my older brother, I mean my twin brother 163 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:51,040 He was gang banging he became that he was a cholo and my two sisters were cholas 164 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:55,560 They were out on the street doing all the crazy stuff and I was a timid little kid that just stayed home and I was scared 165 00:12:55,560 --> 00:13:01,680 Scared of everybody and just stayed home and and but I knew something was different about me 166 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:06,280 So my brother went to prison for years. He was a normie, but he his addiction was stealing 167 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:10,960 Violence like my dad. Um, mine was violence like we don't get into that, too 168 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:16,480 And my sister got married and the other one she took off and went to the state of Washington 169 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:20,640 And I was the last kid in the house. Um, then I started, you know, I played sports 170 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:27,880 I also box I still do that's probably why I'm all rickety cuz I I go and hit the boxing gym and started 171 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:32,520 The equipment and stuff and I think I'm I can still I'm gonna be 60 years old in September 172 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:37,960 No, Sean, my head says go but my body says heck no. I mean right now. I'm like, oh my gosh 173 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,320 but anyway 174 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,320 they all left and my dad was 175 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:49,580 Was at home and I played sports and stuff and I remember backtrack real quick and I'll fast forward real fast 176 00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:53,520 I remember I was about 13 and the kids were all still in the house 177 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:58,280 my dad was taking us to alatine and he was taking us to alatine and one time after a meeting he went to a 178 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:02,340 His meeting and he came and picked us up and he said Sean Sean. Come here young man 179 00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:06,960 I thought I was in trouble because when he talked like that, I'm like, he was serious. He goes I've been watching you Sean 180 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:12,440 I watch how you roll. I saw I watch what you do your mannerisms your demeanor and stuff 181 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:17,640 He goes this is what he said. You're gonna end up in a a one day and I wasn't even drinking or none of that stuff 182 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:18,800 I'm getting goosebumps again 183 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:23,840 That's part of my dad and he's in the big meeting in the sky and here I am pops was right 184 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,480 I was 13 years old out of all the kids 185 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:32,220 One he said you're gonna end up in the rooms and here I am and so they all left and then 186 00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:35,640 You know, I started partying on doing everything. I mean drinking everything 187 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:41,240 I mean I was oh it was I just wanted to numb out because I didn't want to feel um 188 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:45,360 I didn't want to feel how I was feeling different. I didn't want to feel 189 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:53,600 What is a therapist is subconsciously in me all that trauma that my dad put my mom through that I still don't remember 190 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:59,440 But a therapist said she's gonna work on getting that out for the childhood trauma because I blocked it out 191 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,280 I don't remember it but Sean it's there with my brothers and sisters 192 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:09,480 They remember and they refused to tell me because they know they know my my alcoholism and addiction. They're protecting me 193 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:15,000 They said if Sean found out he may go off beeping at home. We're not gonna tell them but little glimpses of it 194 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:20,120 They would grab my older brother would grab us and put us under the bed those old-fashioned beds in the room when my dad's 195 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:26,040 F'ing up my mom in the kitchen just beating her senselessly and they would hear that I said I said I don't remember any of that 196 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:31,600 But my twin brother my sister they go we remember my therapist says Sean you do but it's in there you blocked it 197 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:37,160 You blocked it. So, um, so I was drinking a lot of just everything and then hey, I was hanging out with 198 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:45,240 You know the stoner kids long hair just going through the phase and just just trying to numb out cuz I just didn't want to 199 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:48,220 Feel cuz I didn't like me. I hated me 200 00:15:48,220 --> 00:15:52,840 I just it's and I would I was an introvert and it was very quiet and 201 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:57,320 Then I then I started hanging out with and I'll get into it 202 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:05,600 This was what probably my teens early 20s. I played sports and I hung out with a lot of my straight friends 203 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:12,320 Then I started cruising Garden Grove. There used to be a strip where it was all gay bars gay bookstores gay clubs 204 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:16,400 It was just and one time I walked by it was called the frat house 205 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:21,040 I was walked by it like four or five times and like let me just go in there. So I went in there and 206 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,360 in a way, I 207 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:29,300 Felt comfortable with the people that were in there, but I started drinking. No, I can't no. No, this is faggot 208 00:16:29,300 --> 00:16:31,600 This is faggot stuff. No, I'm not going in there 209 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:37,920 but then I went in anyway and I started drinking more and then the drinking and then all the other substances came in even more and 210 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,700 More and more till one time my dad I was after work 211 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:47,700 My dad says what's with all those Mickey's big mouth 40s empty 40 bottles you got under your bed and there was tons of them 212 00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:52,480 I would I would drink them before work. I'm home for lunch and drink them and at night come home and drink them 213 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:58,160 Um, cuz I was dealing with me and then do you guys remember? Does anybody remember the party lights? 214 00:16:58,160 --> 00:16:59,280 We said the party lines 215 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:04,800 I was on those with guys and my dad worked long hours and I'm gonna fast forward real quick 216 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:11,200 And the reason why I share this is because the love that my dad showed me that he learned and Alcoholics Anonymous 217 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:14,280 It's the same love that he gave me and it's the same love 218 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,880 I've learned to extend to other people and I never thought it would be 219 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:22,560 but I bet all that was going on and I was on the party lines one night and I came down to our town how 220 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:27,240 they came I was in a good mood on a Saturday my dad jumps off jumps off the couch and he cussed me out and he 221 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:32,820 Goes who the F in hell is these faggoty little friends? You got dudes you got calling in the middle and I hey Sean 222 00:17:32,820 --> 00:17:36,520 What's up, girl? Hey, I'm like, oh, oh my gosh 223 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:41,000 So my dad used to tell me boy when you're man enough who can go in the front yard 224 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,700 We're gonna have rounds. Let's see how tough you are 225 00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:48,080 Thought this was today cuz when he said that who are these faggoty little guys you have calling in the middle of night waking me 226 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:50,600 Up, he's cussing me out and I just lost it 227 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:54,300 I pick a flower vase off the coffee table and he was in this dining room and I threw it at him 228 00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:56,680 I said don't call my friends faggots, by the way 229 00:17:56,680 --> 00:18:02,200 I'm a faggot and he stopped and he looked at me and he had these blue eyes that would pierce you and he said what? 230 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:06,000 Did you just say I'm like my head I was going I'm going to the front yard right now. Today's the day 231 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,960 I'm gonna die. He's gonna go beat me silly in the front yard. He says what did you just say? 232 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:14,120 I said dad, I think I'm gay and this is the love he learned enough. He he had good 233 00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,080 What was it? 234 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:20,840 10 or 15 years. He became a softy. I'm a hardcore a softy 235 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:23,200 he says commercial and I was crying and I was 236 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:29,120 Weeping and I could still remember and he gets me emotional today to think what my dad he looked at me 237 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:34,020 He says come here and he held me and I was weeping in his arms and he says Sean and looked at me the face 238 00:18:34,020 --> 00:18:38,060 He was Sean. I don't care that you're gay says you're my boy. I just want to know you're gonna be okay 239 00:18:38,060 --> 00:18:42,360 He says you're good in my book and till the day he died. My dad was my number one 240 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:46,520 Support of who I am what I am and how I am in my corner 241 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:51,160 He's supported but he used to talk to my ex-boyfriends and he used to tell hey keep Sean in line because you know 242 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:55,840 He parties a lot and all my relationships. I was and I destroyed him because of my addiction 243 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:59,840 I was able with the nine steps to mend some of them some want nothing to do with me 244 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:04,540 I have a there's some of them that are 100% in my corner and they're and they're just fully 245 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:10,260 Supportive of me cuz I too would like she shared or he shared I to him do a diagnosed 246 00:19:10,260 --> 00:19:16,760 So for years, I also self-medicated and when my ex-boyfriends found out like there's the puzzle piece to the puzzle my god Sean 247 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:21,400 We didn't know you were dealing with that. Oh my gosh, and they had some compassion and a love for that 248 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:29,280 like a wow and but I love my dad showed me that day is the love that I saw man of them all violence show the 249 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:34,360 Love that I never felt before never knew and he gave it to me and for years 250 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:39,840 I didn't accept me for who I was how I was and what because I left the house and moved out after that and then I 251 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:43,880 Moved to Hollywood and I used to fast. I wasn't all big but I was a lot thinner 252 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:50,280 I used to fashion model in late 80s early 90s and I was really good at it and was making really good money. Um 253 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,240 and 254 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:58,280 Then I had this well-known gay porn producer come up to me. Hey, you want to make some money you had this look 255 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:03,040 They're gonna love you. That's what I wanted to hear. They're gonna love you. Everyone's gonna like you everyone's gonna 256 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:08,080 I'm like, oh this false sense of attention all this and how was I gonna have them? 257 00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:13,360 Love me when I didn't love me. Oh, I hated me but anything would would anything would would work for me 258 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:17,280 So I got into that industry and it blasted off 259 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:21,720 but so did the alcohol use and the other stuff and then I started to 260 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:27,980 Go to levels where ice I settled for a gutter standard of living. I wasn't raised that way true 261 00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:30,040 We grew up in the body when we did what we had to do 262 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:36,480 But my dad was ex-military came from an Irish home where they're disciplinarians and we knew and we were polite little kids 263 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:41,280 In fact, they used to compliment my dad your kids are so polite. Yes, sir. No, man. May I leave the table? 264 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:46,560 Can I leave the table to go to the restroom close everything? Um, but I sunk so low 265 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:51,000 I thought so low of myself to a gutter standard of living and I was okay with it 266 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:55,360 But the fact that I was okay with it when I knew the morals my dad gave us 267 00:20:55,720 --> 00:21:02,880 Depleted me even more to the point where I was on Santa Monica Boulevard hustling to get a bottle of booze and other things, too 268 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,600 and I was let you do anything to me and I'll do anything to you as long as you can 269 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:12,920 support my habit and I would woo you and screw you in more ways than one and I'd let you do the same thing as 270 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:15,740 Long as you would support my habit and I would do it with a smile 271 00:21:15,740 --> 00:21:21,840 You know that saying betrayal with a kiss that was me. I was gonna I was gonna demoralize you I was gonna deplete you 272 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:25,280 I was gonna rob you of your dignity or self-respect. I was gonna steal from you 273 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:31,160 I was gonna lie to you demoralize you and smile about it. It's your fault cuz I hated me. I hated me 274 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:36,800 So then I'm gonna fast forward then I then I'm like, well, I can make more money. I started there's a label escorting 275 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:41,080 Oh, that's a fancy name making three to four to five hundred an hour 276 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:47,200 And the guys will travel you to where they're at and still letting them do anything to me and I'll do anything to them 277 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:52,720 As long as they supported me and kept me numb from me. Um, so the guy then 278 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:59,280 Skye's says okay. I'm paying for your apartment in Hollywood. You're coming to live with me in Malibu an old Malibu Road 279 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:00,800 He bought me a Jeep 280 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:07,340 Mercedes all this stuff and he was an alcoholic too and and he gave me everything the world says 281 00:22:07,340 --> 00:22:11,200 Makes you happy all the trinkets and toys all this just dying inside 282 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:16,960 I was worse and worse and worse and then I remember twice he laid hands on me and 283 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:22,280 It's I may have been flashbacks from what my dad did to my mom or I don't know 284 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:27,160 But he went flying through the bedrooms of the house in Malibu and he went flying through the wall and his head stuck in the dry 285 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:31,300 Wall, um, I thought I said I custom out don't ever put your hands on me 286 00:22:31,300 --> 00:22:34,640 The last person who hit me was my dad. So then we move up to San Francisco 287 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:37,340 We were living Pacific Heights really nice area 288 00:22:37,340 --> 00:22:42,320 And I was managing somebody had these contractor schools up that I was managing those 289 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,520 He trained me in this management course and then he proceeds to 290 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:50,120 Hit me again, so I threw him down the stairs on top of the grand piano 291 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:53,560 His face was all cut up. And then the reason why I say that 292 00:22:53,560 --> 00:23:00,840 about him putting his hands on me backtrack a little is growing up in the body with my brothers cholo friends because when I was 293 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:02,400 Younger, I kind of had like a little girl's voice 294 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:06,040 It took a while for my voice to get deep and they used to say I need a shot 295 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,480 Then a little little hoto little you know 296 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:14,160 The little faggot in Spanish and they would make fun of me and stuff and they bullied me and tell one time 297 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:16,760 My dad was all about handling a business 298 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:22,520 So I stood up and I started fighting and I'm not a tough guy, but I've learned it's still to this day 299 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:26,280 I don't take crap from people. No, I'm not gonna take that and and 300 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:34,080 And I'm still that way today because the bullying when I see people are bullied it hits me here because it's still cuz I believe 301 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,120 We have soul sores that haven't been healed 302 00:23:36,120 --> 00:23:40,560 We have soul scabs that are healing and then we have we have soul scars that are healed 303 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:45,280 But they're still they still show right the bullying is still a scab and when the bullying happens to me 304 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:48,720 They rip it off and I just go from from white to red 305 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:50,120 It's happened in the rooms 306 00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:55,960 People talking about me being gay at the Valley Club one time and I was gonna go full flight on a guy and old timers 307 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,800 Knew me. That's why I love our unity. They heard it 308 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:03,680 They knew it and they said go get Sean if I was headed to the door and I was gonna beat this dude and sky said 309 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,640 No, no, no come over here. We're going in the clubhouse. He talked me through it and another old timer 310 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:10,960 So I'm like, okay, I went through it. That's why I love why I'm sharing this 311 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:17,480 That's why I love what we do for each other in these rooms is there was an old timer named Scotty along by old biker 312 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:21,460 Vietnam vet so I went home and I'm like playing him 313 00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:25,440 He had I'm a punk ass, you know what I mean for letting him say that I said no 314 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:28,160 No, no, I know what meetings it goes to I'm gonna find him 315 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:34,000 No, I'm an endless and all of a sudden something's told me Scotty's little Vietnam vet and he's 316 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:40,060 Operated in violence too. So we've had long talks and he's an old-timer. I come feel Scotty used to be a parole officer 317 00:24:40,060 --> 00:24:46,180 so he likes me to call him that and I said Scotty I left a long message on his voice about what happened and I 318 00:24:46,180 --> 00:24:51,920 Love the old timers. He calls me up. He's laughing at me. Okay, Sean. What the hell he starts cracking it up at me 319 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:55,400 So I I told him what happened and he goes, okay, let me explain something to you 320 00:24:55,400 --> 00:25:00,920 Okay, five minutes and then I'll wind it down. He says let me this was a couple few months ago 321 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:02,740 He says let me explain this to you 322 00:25:02,740 --> 00:25:05,980 He says I know who the guy is Scotty was in that meeting 323 00:25:05,980 --> 00:25:09,920 He says that he goes and I was there and it was very important of inappropriate 324 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:15,080 That's what he does to demean people and he gets a thrill out of it. And I said, well, he needs his ass beat 325 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:20,700 Excuse my language, but he's he was yeah, he does someone needs to pop on them and then light him up and Scotty goes 326 00:25:20,700 --> 00:25:22,460 Okay, Sean. All right, you can do that 327 00:25:22,460 --> 00:25:27,800 you'll get some some some righteous anger taking care of it and you you will and 328 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:34,120 You'll get some joy out of it is some temporary relief because he he hit a wound that hasn't been healed and Scotty 329 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,320 He didn't even know that I was bullied when I was younger 330 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:40,660 But he knew he says he he tore scab off a wound that you haven't healed from yet 331 00:25:40,660 --> 00:25:45,460 He knew he goes and and and he ripped it off and it got you and he says and you want to beat him silly 332 00:25:45,460 --> 00:25:46,300 He goes, you know what? 333 00:25:46,300 --> 00:25:51,420 Maybe he does need that because he shouldn't be doing that to people because he goes you could do that. You'll get a little a little 334 00:25:51,420 --> 00:25:55,300 Relief out of that but let me give you another list 335 00:25:55,300 --> 00:26:01,680 First of all, you'll lose respect and the love and and and how people like you at the Valley Club because they love you there 336 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:04,820 You'll be you'll be 86 from here. He won't be able to go there anymore 337 00:26:04,820 --> 00:26:07,460 You will be arrested because I know this guy 338 00:26:07,460 --> 00:26:12,040 He's the type of guy that won't say what he said and he'll just press charges. You'll go to jail 339 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:17,040 You'll lose your job court costs legal costs all that stuff and he goes now what list do you want to choose? 340 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:23,340 He gave me enough enough room to hang myself on like I'm getting goosebumps about him like oh I said Scotty and he goes 341 00:26:23,340 --> 00:26:23,840 Okay 342 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:29,300 Why because someone did the same thing for him because he went to because I still have I have a lot of the rage and anger 343 00:26:29,300 --> 00:26:35,080 And stuff like my dad had cuz remember that old song my boy was just like me cats in the cradle 344 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:40,980 That was me me and my dad, but that's what we do in these rooms. And I love it is is is is 345 00:26:40,980 --> 00:26:46,540 we talk people through things and stuff and I have one sponsors call up and and 346 00:26:46,540 --> 00:26:52,180 what this program their their pinch me moments and and the pinch me moments are 347 00:26:52,180 --> 00:26:57,020 Like when I was in my disease the things I prayed for once you get him in 348 00:26:58,020 --> 00:27:03,720 Sobriety not not even knowing and then you realize why I want to trade for this and then a lot of things once I get 349 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:06,300 It I'm complaining about it. God's like Sean. Where's your gratitude? 350 00:27:06,300 --> 00:27:09,680 I'm like, so I do a gratitude list every morning and sometimes I keep it so simple 351 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:14,720 Your your lungs are breathing your heart is beating your blood's flowing. Your mind is thinking it may be crazy 352 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:18,680 But it's still thinking you didn't blow your brains out because I almost went that that way too 353 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,820 I ended up in all of you sober 354 00:27:20,820 --> 00:27:25,920 I was losing it and and it was it was the program that took me up there and made me a guy in the sober 355 00:27:26,180 --> 00:27:34,160 Guys in the program and and the blessings that this program has given me is is and what you guys have told and taught me 356 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:37,060 I told you about my dad after his funeral. Where did I go? 357 00:27:37,060 --> 00:27:42,040 I went to a meeting and shared about it because you told me to two years ago when my mom died up in Aberdeen 358 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:47,260 Washington because she was up there. Um, I was able to do her eulogy my brothers and sisters 359 00:27:47,260 --> 00:27:51,420 They didn't want used to want me. I was the crazy black sheep. I say black sheep with pink stripes 360 00:27:51,420 --> 00:27:55,020 I'm gay. I used to tell them next time you're crazy. I'm the one they didn't want around 361 00:27:55,020 --> 00:28:00,080 he's the crazy cycle running around the country doing crazy cuz I went from Orange County to Hollywood to 362 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:05,800 San Francisco to New York to South Florida to Atlanta and then in Montgomery, Alabama on a nine-month blackout 363 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:07,100 So and here I'm back home 364 00:28:07,100 --> 00:28:13,340 but my brothers and sisters and my mom's funeral got together and said we want Sean to do the eulogy that's the program and and 365 00:28:13,340 --> 00:28:15,940 We're gonna go after her funeral 366 00:28:15,940 --> 00:28:19,140 I went to an AA meeting at the Aberdeen Alana Club and shared about it 367 00:28:19,140 --> 00:28:24,260 Why because you told me to what we've been told and taught in here a little bit a little bit after 368 00:28:25,300 --> 00:28:26,500 COVID 369 00:28:26,500 --> 00:28:29,780 It still pinches me. I have a little ministry on social media 370 00:28:29,780 --> 00:28:35,500 I got ordained as it as a as a minister and pastor a gay ministry pastor. I tell people yes 371 00:28:35,500 --> 00:28:42,420 There are gay pastors. Okay, I tell people and they're like, wow a shine and people come up to me. Sometimes that means hey reverend 372 00:28:42,420 --> 00:28:46,480 They call me reverend. I'm like, I'm uncomfortable with it. I said, no. No, this is none of my doing 373 00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:53,440 That's who did it all and that's why I'm standing here is is my god hundred percent gets the credit and that's it 374 00:28:53,620 --> 00:28:55,620 My name is Sean. Thanks