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 Hi I'm Julie, I'm an alcoholic. Hi Julie. How's my camera? Oh wait, that's better.

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 Hi Julie, alcoholic. That is worth repeating. So I'm not a fan of doing this.

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 And just so you know, before I start, Nate did give me the memo about the swearing. I will tell

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 you I'm a lot more comfortable swearing than sharing. Don't blame Nate. He did his best.

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 So there's no place for this. Here we go. So I'm a drunk. I mean, I was born without directions.

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 I didn't know how to be at all in my skin. I just didn't. And I just, I was born uncomfortable.

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 That's all I can tell you. And I don't remember being comfortable until I took a drink. So,

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 and I just didn't know what to do with all of this, all of this, all of this, anything going on.

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 You know, I just, I had that feeling from the moment I was born that everybody else got the

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 directions but me. Everybody knew what was going on. They knew how to talk to each other. They knew

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 how to fit in. They knew how to belong. And I did not. And the only thing, there were two things

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 that made me okay in my skin. And ironically, both of them involved me not being me. So I started

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 doing theater really young. I wasn't an actor or anything, but I was working backstage. But

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 I'd love that you could walk into that space and you could be anywhere. You could go anywhere for

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 two hours. You could be anything. And I dove into that for as long as I could and did tech theater

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 for, I don't know, technically I'm still sort of doing it. But, and then I took a drink and it was,

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 it was so much easier. It was a lot of work to not be in my skin before that. It was, it was,

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 only alcoholics will get how much discomfort you're willing to go through to feel comfortable.

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 So I did school. I did booze. I did anything to not be me until it started killing me. Right. And,

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 and blackouts waking up with people I wouldn't have lunch with. I have no idea how I never got

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 arrested because I drove drunk all the time and I got pulled over all the time. And, you know,

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 LAPD is not fair, man. If you're young and somewhere on the cute spectrum, they will not

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 arrest you. So, so I have this thing that's going on with me right now and, and, and bear with me

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 because I promise I'm going to connect it, but, um, I've been in some pain lately and, uh, it's

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 bursitis and I've been treating it and I was reading up on it and it said, you have to be

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 really careful with bursitis because it's masking the real injury. That's what my alcoholism was. I

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 was masking the real injury. So, and my real injury is life. I don't want to live life on life's

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 terms. I don't want to have these feelings. I don't want to talk to you people. I don't want to

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 anything. And so that's really what alcohol has always been for me is this buffer between me and

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 you. Cigarette smoke works great. Still that literally makes a physical buffer between other

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 people and keeps people away. Um, so when I was done and I was done right, um, I was 24 years old.

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 I, um, was blackout drinker from the time I was, I don't know, 14, uh, did a bunch of stuff. I said

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 I was never going to do, it's all the things right. I'll know I'm an alcoholic if I've maxed out my credit

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 cards. And then I maxed out my credit cards and I'll know I'm an alcoholic if, uh, I, you know,

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 sleep with that guy I swore I was never going to sleep with. And then I wake up there and then I

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 got to move the bar again. Right. Because I have to keep drinking because I have to, it is the only

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 thing keeping me upright because I can't do anything without it. Um, you know, um, I, um,

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 alcohol when I came in here was my mother, my father, my best friend, my higher power. It was

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 absolutely all that I had and it was everything. So when I was dating a guy, I call him Mr. Right

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 Now. Um, he, uh, I was realizing I had a problem and not doing anything about it. I made him so

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 crazy. He went back to meetings and, um, he had told me about this meeting and I hadn't had a

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 drink for three days. And, uh, I was 15 years sober when I figured this out, but I was having DT. So

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 I was having auditory hallucinations. And, um, I heard a voice in my head said very clearly,

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 you know, you can go to that meeting. He told you about, you can drive to the end of your street or

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 if, or you can go to Hollywood and you can drink all weekend. Cause it was Memorial day weekend.

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 And, you know, and at night when the bar closes, you can sleep in the alley. And if you're not

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 lucky enough to get killed overnight, you can just try again the next day. And it was just like, um,

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 I think it's going to rain. Like it was just this, Hey, let's go die. And, um, and that's great.

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 So I got dressed to go to the bar and I didn't know if I was going to go to the bar or the

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 meeting. And I drove to the end of my street and I didn't know if I was going to go to the

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 bar or the meeting. And instead of turning right to go to Hollywood, I turned left to go to the

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 meeting. And, um, and then I couldn't find the meeting and I got lost and I drove past this big

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 neon triangle in a circle, like a hundred times. I just didn't know what it meant. So then I finally

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 find the meeting. And then I opened my car door and I shut my car door and my car door and I get

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 one leg out and I get back in the car and I get halfway across the street and I get back in the

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 car. And I finally got into the meeting after about five tries. And thank God it was, um, it,

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 it felt just like the bar I was going to, it was dark. It was candle lit. There were a bunch of

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 bikers. It was loud. Nobody was honoring the traditions. I mean, it was just so, you know,

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 the, but I was incredibly comfortable because it was what I was used to. And I put my head

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 down and I stay. And I can tell you that in 33 years, it's the only thing I've done right

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 consistently is I have stayed here. I've not drunk. I've needed a drink. I have not behaved

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 well. I've not always done great things. I've needed a drink because I'm an alcoholic. We need

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 a drink. If it drizzles on the walk on the way here. I mean, I just, I didn't do it. So I put

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 my head down, I'm dressed for the bar, you know, no idea what's going on. Some guy's talking about

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 his fiance's readings, read his fourth step and they were breaking up and it was just all of this

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 crazy stuff. And then this big biker gets up. He's got like the cap, the t-shirt, the leather vest,

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 the whole deal. And he starts talking about the whole inside of him and that he's an alcoholic

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 and he's got a hole inside of him and it screams. It screams to be filled and it screams to be

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 filled and it screams to be filled. And if he puts alcohol in there, it's like a rainstorm in

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 the desert, washes through, it rips out a bunch more stuff and it leaves him with a bigger hole.

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 But if he doesn't drink, it's like a cave. And it starts to very, very slowly fill in

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 with these crystals and these beautiful things, just like caves do. And, um, and I heard it,

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 right? This guy that I had nothing in common with was talking about how it felt and what happened

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 to me and where it was. And, um, so, um, I stayed and, um, you're new welcome. Um, I thought I was

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 going to graduate. I thought if I, I'm a good student and I, if I did the steps perfect,

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 I would be done and I would graduate. I would get my little diploma and you would tell me I was

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 perfect and everything would be grand. And that is not what happened because alcohol was precise,

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 right? All I did was now I've got all this stuff. I don't know how to live in the world. I don't know

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 how to be a person among persons. I don't know how to be of service. I don't know how to ask,

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 how are you? Like that was in my family. If you didn't tell everyone how you were instantly,

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 no one was going to ask. So, um, I just didn't, I didn't know how to have conversations or show up.

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 So I just kept showing up, kept showing up. I kept showing up, life kept happening and I kept not

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 drinking over it because I had the steps and I knew I was powerless and I built this, uh,

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 group of some very fucking sick women, but we kept each other sober. It's the only thing we did

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 right. Right. We cared, we kept each other sober. So, um, we had, we had a feedback meeting where

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 you would share and then we would tell each other what all you should do now. And we were all like

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 under two. It was, um, we didn't drink, so I'm going to say so. Um, but I, you know, there's

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 all this stuff and life kept happening and I kept thinking I was going to do it perfect. And I'm,

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 and I'm going to backpedal a little bit to this sort of personality that I never allowed to

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 develop because I was busy getting drunk. I needed to be perfect because then you would like me or

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 then like someone would love me and it would, and everything would be all right if I could just

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 be right and be perfect. And that is some baggage that has taken some time to get rid of that I

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 might or might not still be working on. Um, but, um, it's a lot allowing myself to be human. My

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 joke when I was a kid, when they were like, everyone's human, everyone's human. And my

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 answer was always, they're setting the bar too low. Humans suck. And, um, you know, I, it's been

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 a long time, but I became human here. Um, I love that you were talking about forgiveness because

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 that was the reading the day before yesterday was like forgiveness of others. And then today I think

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 was forgiveness of self. And I don't know what any of that is, but I'm working on it. Um, I've

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 accepted all of it. Forgiveness is the next step. Um, so I'm powerless over alcohol in my life is

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 unmanageable. Um, I am not a God person. So when it comes to the second step, if anybody struggled

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 with that, I'm 33 years sober. I do not, I am not a God person. The thing that has kept me sober is

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 that I acknowledge that I am not the one driving the bus. I'm a passenger on the bus. There's a

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 driver. We're going where it goes. And I do the next indicated step. I don't do anything. I need

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 to drink over. I do something wrong. I clean it up. And the rule for that is if I'm uncomfortable,

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 safe bet. I said something wrong. I did something wrong or feeling insecure, which means I'm

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 probably not treating my alcoholism in another way. Right? So, so, but I've stayed willing. You

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 were talking about that too. That is the thing that I have done consistently, right? Sometimes

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 I'm willing with, and sometimes I'm just willing, I'm willing, I'm willing. And I'd say,

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 fuck you. I'm willing and I'm willing. I'm just willing. And I surrender, but I've stayed willing

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 to see what is the next thing. What is the next thing? What is the next thing? Um, my dad died

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 when I had a five months sober and I was back home for Christmas. Um, he died between Christmas and

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 new years. And, um, uh, the rest of my family, nobody was on board. Nobody was on board with me

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 being sober. Certainly nobody was on board with being healthy in any way, shape or form. Um,

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 I was told my dad died by my, uh, step, whatever she was kicking the door in to, and like three

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 o'clock in the morning, just pounded my door open and said, your dad's dead. And then just walked

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 away. Um, and you know, again, I was five months sober. I had no idea what to do with any of this.

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 I came back, Mr. Right now was sleeping with someone else's right now. Um, when I, by the

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 time I got home and it was just, I thought I was, I wanted to get drunk. And, and I believed you

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 guys when you said, call your sponsor before you take a drink. And I was like, all right,

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 I'm going to get a drink. Screw all you guys. I'm going to get a drink, but I'll call her. And I

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 called her and I was like, I said, I'd call you. I did click. And, um, she came over, she kept

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 following me around everywhere. You can get drunk if you want to. I'm just here. And I'm like,

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 not drinking in front of you. That's like having sex in front of my mother.

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 So she just kept following me around and you know, um, what happened was it settled and I

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 started to pray to want to be sober. And for a while it was praying to want, to want, to want

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 to be sober and then to want, to want to be sober. And I just, and I just kept asking because I knew

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 enough. I know what's out there for me. I don't have any doubt. Right. Pretty fresh. Right. I

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 know exactly what's out there and it is not getting better. I'm not going to go, um, have

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 cocktails with my pinky out for an evening. And like, no, I am not interested in that. I'm if I'm

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 out, it's, it's on and, and for me on is dead. And, um, so they talk, I say this every time I'd

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 like speak because it's, it's, it speaks to my flavor of alcoholism. Every five years or so,

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 they come up with some pill that they say is going to help people drink, like it's going to control

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 your alcoholism, or it's going to help you drink like a normal people person, or, you know, they

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 say, you know, there's this pill or this, whatever. And if you do this, you can go like, have two

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 drinks and you'll be fine. And I'm like, I'll take 10 because I don't want two drinks. I need 20 and

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 I need more, you know, the alcohol department at the grocery store is not enough. It's not enough.

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 And there are a lot of people who don't get that. Um, so, um, I came in sponsors did the steps and,

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 you know, I'm glad that I thought I was going to graduate because it meant I was, I did, I

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 did everything with my whole heart. And by the time I figured out I wasn't graduating and you

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 guys weren't going to give me the little tassels and, um, for being best in class. Um, I never even

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 got a gold star in AA, some shit right there. Um, because I think we worked hard. We work hard.

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 So I'm going, my next AA meeting I'm going to, I'm having the kindergarten gold stars at the door.

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 Everybody walks in the doors, get the gold star. And, um, but I have just learned how to, um,

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 survive. Right. So it used to take all the alcohol to make me feel all right in here. And it used to

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 take, um, attention from you to make me feel all right in here and have value. And, um, it's taken

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 some years, but I'm all right in here and have value. And that's AA. That is like the gift of AA.

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 Um, uh, when I was five years sober, I started dating someone, um, when I was, uh, right before

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 my birthday. And when I turned 10 years sober, I was holding my one month child from my, from

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 marrying that man. Um, on my 15th sober birthday, that kid got diagnosed with autism. Um, around the

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 time I turned 20, um, I had this very rude discovery in AA. I had somehow believed that if I

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 did and said the right things, right. In an interaction with anyone, I just believed that

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 if I showed up and, um, did the right thing and said the right thing, that things would go right.

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 And life didn't work out that way. And, um, and I showed up with, I met crazy, um, had a neighbor

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 down the street from here who I showed up and said, and did all the right things and crazy,

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 stayed crazy. And, um, I didn't, I couldn't wrap my head around it. And I started having it 20

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 years over. I started having panic and anxiety and I had to go through that. And, um, you know,

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 since then, my daughter's also being diagnosed on the spectrum. Um, and AA has enabled me to show up

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 to all of these things gracefully and, um, be of service here, be of service to my friends,

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 be of service to my crazy family, be of service to my children, um, without getting so uncomfortable

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 that I don't have to drink over it. So, um, I, um, this, I also have very have much ADD.

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 So the blink in the corner of my eye keeps like, who's on the screen? What are we watching? Um,

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 so sorry, shiny. Um, but the, the thing about, um, AA is that it, you know, the cave has started,

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 it started filling up and it's filled up with, um, service and it's filled up with unity and it's

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 filled up with recovery and it's filled up with, um, friendships. And, um, and, um, you know,

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 my husband brought me an Instagram post from his niece the other day and that he thought was in

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 Cleveland and it said, and it was a picture of Bradford hall that she was at like, and he was

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 just, and so now, you know, she's fairly new and we're going to be able to be of service to her and

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 we'll be able to show her around to LA AA and, um, introduce her to, um, incredible women because,

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 you know, there are so many incredible, I'm sorry guys, I don't go to men's tech. So

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 there are incredible women of service in A it's unbelievable. And, um, and we will give you our

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 right arm if we have to, if that means you're going to stay. So, and, you know, um, because

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 we've been there and we know that pain and no one gets it like we do. So, um, so, um, I think it was

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 at my 15th birthday, it was taking a cake, 15th sobriety birthday. I was taking a cake and, um,

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 I was listening to the readings and I realized, um, the step 11 says prayer and meditation,

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 thought it was and or meditation was prayer or meditation. So, um, um, I don't know how I

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 missed it for that long, but I did. And I had tried to meditate here and there, but I was praying in

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 the morning. I was good. Um, and just so you know, because I'm not a God person, whenever I, I still

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 say the prayers, I'm talking to the bus driver for lack of a better word. I do all the readings every

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 morning. I've got them bookmarked. When I see the word God, I use the word good. Um, and it works

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 for me. Um, something else works for you. That's the best part of AA man. It's what works for you.

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 Um, as long as I'm not the one in charge, uh, it's much better for all of us. Um, so, um, I started

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 meditating, um, here and there, I've tried a bunch of different stuff on moving meditation, guided

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 meditations apps, my, my sponsors and meditation teacher. So I just thought I was magically getting

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 it by not doing it or just, you know, so that didn't work. But, um, the thing that, um, that

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 I get from meditation is that, um, I don't know if you've noticed, but this is a busy place

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 and, um, I'm always in tomorrow or the next thing. It's very hard for me to be where my feet are. Um,

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 and if you're not where your feet are, it's very difficult to see what the next indicated step is.

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 Right. So I need to like get back in my body and not think about what I'm doing tomorrow,

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 where we're going to be tomorrow. By noon tomorrow, I'll be meditating. But like,

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 I'm not going to think about that now. Like, so meditation puts a hold on that for me. It really,

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 it stops everything for me. Um, so when I step 11 is been the cornerstone of my sobriety for the last

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 several years, because I release all my control in the morning and then I practice listening all day.

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 That's what I'm doing when I meditate. Like I just stopped and listen. And you know, um, I know a lot

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 of people here know this, but meditation isn't sitting with a blank mind. It's when the, it's

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 like at a busy street when the car goes by, you don't grab it. You just let thoughts keep going

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 and, um, letting the thoughts keep going is what lets me go. Okay. And, and will allow me just to

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 be where I'm at and feeling and having and doing what I've got right now. Um, so somebody was

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 talking about one of my meetings and this is what meditation is like for me was that there was a guy

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 and that he was, he got caught in a rip tide in California and it was pulling him out and he was

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 trying to do the thing where you swim parallel to the shore. The people at the shore kept screaming

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 at him and screaming at him and he couldn't hear them because he was so like panicked and freaking

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 out. And what they were saying was stand up. It was only three feet deep. Like he could have drowned

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 if he didn't get that moment of pause. And that's what the meditation does for me. It enables me to

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 stop and finally hear, right. Pause. Um, so, um, I have no idea where I'm at. So I, um, um, about

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 a year ago I decided that I was going to make a work move. And the one thing that's been really

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 hard for me to shake is my identity is my job, right? Because as the type of alcoholic I am,

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 my identity is what you think of me. It's I'm nothing. I'm insecure. I'm nobody. It's really

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 hard to fight all that stuff. And the one that lasted the longest was on my work and being great

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 at my work, showing up and being the, you know, same thing. I'm going to graduate from AA, but

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 maybe at work I can get my gold star. And, um, and I changed jobs and, uh, it was not what they

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 said it was. And it was, and it was really bad for like a year. Um, where I doubted everything I said,

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 I doubted everything I did. I, um, it really broke me down in a way that hadn't happened in 33 years.

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 And, um, I wrote it out. I just, I wrote it out. I kept showing up. I knew there was, there was

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 something was going to happen. There was going to be, this is the thing that I've learned in AA,

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 stay, stay, and you will eventually know why. And, um, it sort of culminated in me having to

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 be in Florida for five weeks, uh, 24/7 in a really bad situation where I was treated horribly. I got

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 injured on the job site. Um, and, uh, and my daughter was falling apart in Oregon. I just,

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 everything was a mess and I stayed, just stayed and I breathed and I waited and I did what was

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 in front of me. And, um, once I came, I came home, I was able to decompress enough to stand up for

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 myself. Something else I've never been good at, something else a lot of us are hard to write.

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 It's really hard to stand up for the person. You don't know who you are. How are you going

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 to stand up and take care of that person? So even in sobriety and with the work and thinking,

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 I knew who I was, I'm still growing. I'm still changing. I'm still learning. I'm still fighting.

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 Life is still life and I still sometimes hate it. So, um, um, I ended up, uh, following a complaint

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 with HR and standing up for myself and they changed the situation and they moved me to a

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 different department. They moved me and now suddenly I made a place that I recognize doing

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 what I recognize and a much more, um, comfortable situation. But if I wasn't sober enough to say,

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 Hey, ow, that hurts. That's wrong. Um, it wouldn't have gotten better. I probably would have gotten

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 fired for the things that were happening to, to me. I still would have gotten fired. And

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 what happened was that in that time I read this passage in a book and it said, um, the story that

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 you tell yourself about your life is the one that's going to be true. So I can tell myself

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 all these terrible things and believe in that, live in that, or I can make this my new meditation

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 focus and tell myself a different story. And that's the one I'll be living in. And I started doing

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 that and I started healing and I started growing and, um, um, and, uh, treating myself with kindness

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 and, uh, trying to be compassionate for other people. Um, right. I mean, maybe they're an

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 asshole because they're, I don't know, something happened to them that made them that way. Um, um,

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 I feel like I'm rambling, but the thing I want to say is I'm not done. If my sponsor just got

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 a tattoo, it says I'm not dead. So I'm not done and, uh, I'm not done yet. I'm not done growing.

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 I'm not done being, I'm not done learning, um, how to be comfortable in my skin and with all of you.

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 Um, so starting tomorrow, there's this year long meditation practice that I'm going to take on as

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 part of my program. Um, and the big component is forgiveness. It is learning to let go of the things

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 that still hound you from your youth in your life that may still make you uncomfortable in your

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 skin. And I'm looking forward to it. I'm saying yes. When I want to say, no, I, I went out,

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 I, or it's been 14 years. Why do you think I'm still sober? Um, when they reached out. So I'm

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 just, I'm really glad to be here. I'm really glad to be anywhere sober, to be honest. Um,

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 I've, that's it welcomed. That's all I got. I know that we're really back.