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 with my son Jose alcoholic. My sobriety date is June 25th 2017. I want to welcome anybody who's

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 new in Alcoholics Anonymous just starting now. Happy birthday you know. Thank you for being so

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 welcoming and thank you Nate for having me come down. It's seven years we're coming up on eight

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 years and I have to admit that doing this has has kept me sober part of it and some amongst other

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 things. Doing my best to live a principled life you know because I come from a very unprincipled

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 life. I'll share a little bit about that and you know I'm grateful I'm grateful you know it was a

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 it was a it was a long journey first just to get here and I think it's important to talk about

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 that. I think the reason why Alcoholics Anonymous calls for us to talk about what it was like what

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 happened and what it's like now is because it's all purposeful and I don't want to spend a lot

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 of time on what it was like of course but I think it's important because I never read a story in

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 Alcoholics Anonymous that never told the whole story in the big book and uh and I think it's

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 important to talk about these mental twists that you know that that happened with an alcoholic and

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 the hopelessness and the baffling features of alcoholism as I now know it I didn't know it

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 before that is simply the utter or the complete inability to leave it alone no matter how great

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 the necessity or the wish. I'm gonna talk about some big book things please don't take me for a

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 big book thumper I just really love the literature it was very helpful for me to understand what it

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 was to be an alcoholic and to be suffering at one point from alcoholism. I remember such a part of

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 the book where I've read where it says um the fact is that most alcoholics for reasons yet obscure

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 have lost the power of choice and drink and their so-called willpower becomes practically

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 non-existent they're enabled at certain times to bring into consciousness with sufficient force

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 the memory of suffering and humiliation they are without defense against the first drink and to me

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 that was vital to understand and some of the basics in terms of like you know uh being bodily

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 and mentally uh ill um I didn't know that I was maladjusted to life and um that I was you know

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 living a life to me growing up I even though I grow up in low-income housing I want to talk a

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 little bit about that I got some time is it like 8 20 8 25 that's a fair time I touched a little

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 bit about a little bit on my childhood and growing up in my my paradigm what I believe or perceptions

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 that I developed growing up in low-income housing project area city of San Bernardino back in the

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 1980s and uh and uh how I perceived these I was Ray well my mom my dad they got loaded they drank

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 you know people partied at our house it was a project uh low-income housing house um um that

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 wasn't normal nobody really you know talked about it as being anything abnormal um thank you uh so

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 it wasn't strange at all and I wasn't necessarily a depressed kid uh I didn't necessarily feel

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 different um my body my biological father uh wasn't around he um you know separated from us

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 probably around maybe the age of five and uh and then down and then by the age of nine there there

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 was a lot of you know uh neighborhood influence I'll say that and and here's what's interesting

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 to what I'm about to share with you because I don't want to get off the leading path about

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 this long drawn drawn out story about you know my life from growing up I really want to touch on

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 alcoholism and uh and what it reminds me of when I'm getting into this part of my story reminds me

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 of when Bill Wilson no matter where we come from Bill Wilson doesn't talk about his depression

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 when he discovered alcohol he talks about his heroism and you know being in service and so

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 forth and so on and and I paid attention to what he said he said in the midst of excitement he says

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 I discovered alcohol you know even though I grew up in low-income housing and the ghetto and I

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 joined a gang at nine years old and I was you know because of that and my father wasn't around and I

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 went in and out of juvenile hall and I spent many times many times in prison in my in my

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 growing my grown-up years you know I'm saying those those things for me were very much exciting

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 and I just don't know why they just were it was kind of a paradigm and what I saw in the

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 neighborhood and and I just caught kind of followed suit I wasn't depressed at all at the time and in

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 the midst of that lifestyle I too just like Bill Wilson I just covered alcohol you know and and I

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 love that it's so simple like that and I love that what I discovered is that that craving they talk

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 about in the big book of alcohol synonymous and and experiencing also that that physical part

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 to the point where now I'm obsessing over drink when I want to stop I can't stay from picking up

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 the drink and putting my hand to the hot stove and then after I take a drink I can't control

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 the amounts to which I'm going to drink and so I've lost total control which I believe is so

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 important to mention loss of control I want to talk a little bit about the physical part that I

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 had no idea you know in the book of alcohol synonymous if you pay attention to the doctor's

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 opinion it goes from we have alcohol synonymous and then back to the doc transitions back to we

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 have alcohol synonymous and then back to the doc if you pay attention and you have any idea of

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 reading comprehension at all and I never did I it's funny I got pretty good at that having never

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 gone to school really and and the big book talks about well here's what it says it says um uh two

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 things about alcoholics that are quite interesting they're they're they're never satisfied and they

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 never like to be told anything it's exactly how it starts actually in this part of the book it says

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 it did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking this is alcoholics not

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 the doc pay attention to literature when you're reading it to be told that we could not control

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 our drinking just because we were maladjusted to light that we were outright mental affectives

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 and full flight from reality these things were true to some extent as a matter of fact to a

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 considerable extent with some of us but we were sure that our bodies were sick and also in our

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 belief any picture of the alcoholic that leaves out the physical factor is incomplete that is so

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 vital for me because when I picked up that first drink and the way that felt and obviously it

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 coincides you know with my thinking but what it first pushes home in the literature of alcoholics

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 anonymous is that and it makes us aware just prior to that that this is a bodily and mental disease

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 or illness if you will the verbiage is illness right and and I remembered I could go back and

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 just remember those drinks and I could remember how great they felt I could remember how when

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 they went down I could remember the numbness in my face and and I always knew where they

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 were going to take me after that first drink or first few drinks throughout and I gotta say it

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 was it was progressive um I didn't start off uncontrollable drinking um so for me it was a

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 progressiveness and um and then things started happening you know um I managed to get married

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 and uh have two kids uh which are now in their 20s um and uh you know I felt I'm gonna get real

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 honest here I felt real proud about my my first daughter when she was born and so you know I I

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 worked really hard and this is after some time uh leaving the gang uh quite interesting uh when I

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 look back that this program of alcoholics anonymous can actually take someone like me and many others

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 of course that I've witnessed in alcoholics anonymous and just transform a life entirely

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 and so that's why I want to talk about I want to talk about the transformation

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 and what the 12 steps actually did for me so I'm coming from this gangster life if you will at a

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 young age joined at the age of seven and uh as a matter of fact my little brother's in the room

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 today he's he wasn't even born yet we have this family where uh my eldest sister has a different

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 father and then me and my second third to the eldest brother have a different father and we

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 have a twin brother and sister who have a different father and then we were all born and then my mother

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 was with all those men and then she went back to my biological father and then my brother Juan was

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 born I spent most of his teenage life not all his life probably most of his teenage life into high

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 school in prison because of my alcoholism and my maladjustment to life and um and so he saw me

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 coming in and out of his life you know in his young days periodically and I would be doing good

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 and then I would be doing bad and it was it was it was like that um and uh you know so I worked

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 hard when I when I uh and I fell in love with a woman and what I thought at the time now that I

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 think about it was what I thought was love I I just I just think I just didn't know how I really

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 didn't you know and um but I wanted to be a good dad I wanted to be a father to my children you

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 know I wanted to be a good husband and uh drinking and alcohol just caught up with me and uh um and

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 it was starting to become more important than all those things if I'm just you know just you know

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 honest and man sometimes I I just I wanted to believe that that uh that I loved my children

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 and I did I did um I feel killed um I felt like I abandoned them because that's actually what I did

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 I didn't lose much um Alcoholics Anonymous just so you know helped me face those things and the fact

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 face finding fact process if if you're new you're and you want to recover from this hopeless state

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 of life of mental and bodily state of life um you want to do this you want to do this you don't know

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 it yet because just like me I didn't know it yet but uh it is it has definitely transformed my life

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 now I didn't get everything back either and I'll get to the end of the story everything that I thought

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 to get back not everything was given back to me I stayed sober anyways and uh um and it was rough

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 because one of the most painful things was was um you know not being able to be there for my children

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 because I'm I'm I'm defeated by alcohol liquor and drugs have become my master you know and uh some

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 some disheartening stories like being incarcerated and trying to send my children you know toys from

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 what is called the angel tree from the state penitentiary and and being sent a letter back

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 we turned to send her like sorry mr reals we weren't able to encounter your children we weren't

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 able to get them their gifts and they would they would pay for stuff like that and uh and realizing

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 the severity of my problem that really I am the problem this is why this is happening you know um

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 and it's my fault and not wanting to look at that and so now I gotta you know drink more alcohol so

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 that I could feel better so that I could you know just disappear if you will then after drinking I

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 come back and then reality sets in again it never goes away um so a lot of hard times I uh I ended

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 up on skid row um I uh I'll talk a little bit about an outside issue not too much I ended up

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 you know uh uh being addicted to uh methamphetamine that cocaine uh went from smoking to snorting to

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 injecting a little bit got that um there I was on skid row um out of prison my last term in 2012

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 if I'm not mistaken I try to forget the dates and try to forget the numbers I'm not a guy that wants

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 to remember my prison numbers plural there's a lot of them um and it's kind of embarrassing but I've

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 used it today to help because there might be somebody sitting in the room that's had that

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 experience and I want them to know that you can recover from such a hopeless state um so yeah

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 there I am on skid row and um and I'm uh powerless I'm hopeless I feel empty um and I need some

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 serious help and I want to give up I wish I could die uh sometimes um it's kind of funny because

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 every time I think about getting loaded or drinking and where that's gonna take me then I

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 don't want to die so quick that's interesting right um and uh so there I was and um I'm watching

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 everything just go on around me I mean on skid row uh to certain degrees there's no regard for

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 life you can see dead people on the ground who are just walking right over them and that's really how

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 it is day and night when it gets dark it's uh quite chaotic I'll say that much um then uh one

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 day just just a little bit of willingness I think that's important to mention right so to myself you

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 know what I need to get up and I need to get out of here and um so I tried to get into the salvation

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 army in Santa Monica and somehow I managed to get five days sober and uh and I kept trying to get

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 into that door and uh they're like mr reals we're sorry but we still don't have a bed for you to get

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 in here and and they're like how many days have you been sober now and I'm like five days but

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 I'm itching if you send me back out that door man I'm gonna get I'm gonna drink I'm gonna get loaded

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 and he's like well I don't have a bed for you and I just turn around and I walk away and I don't even

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 just just before I remember this clearly just before I hit the door he's like wait and I turn

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 around and he's like I got an address for you this is how I end up in in Canoga park and he goes I

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 want you to take this card and call this person in Canoga park at the Salvation Army and uh and uh

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 as long as you stay clean they'll let you in so this is how I get to San Fernando I get there

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 I go and it was my first introductions to alcoholics anonymous and some of the groups

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 that were going through there were pretty serious they were serious about taking people to the steps

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 they were you know talking a lot of program recovery and um I gotta admit I was I was quite

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 fascinated at what was going on and what they were talking about wondered if it was real I

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 wondered if it was real and uh um and then I wondered it was people like really like me

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 because the craving being so so uh extremely uh strong in my life such a such a grit uh

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 there's no way there's no way that you guys are staying slow and uh um so I made a few attempts

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 and uh I wouldn't even call it a relapse really I just I never had a chance really to recover

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 um I kind of saw the I call it the height of AA if you will and kind of just you know was you know

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 I don't know maybe you know putting one foot in and putting foot out put a foot in put out

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 kind of deal and uh and never really getting completely honest and and I didn't know how so

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 I obviously needed a sponsor you know because I think that's what we do around here we we sponsor

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 people so that they can understand hell because some of us like myself are just completely lost

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 and uh so interestingly a guy that I was with in the program of uh uh at the Salvation Army he took

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 off I took off and went on a run we seen each other in the valley and we kind of went in our

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 little circle running into each other and he had run into a sponsor from Moncaholics Anonymous and

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 had been taken to the steps and it was probably about a year that he had been silver and maybe

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 some change and uh that quick I seen that man's life just turn around completely for some of us

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 it's like that some quickly some slow and uh I was like wow you know and uh I ended up at a sober

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 living home called last house on the block and because he was doing good and he was sober the

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 owners of that house he was once one of the people in that house let him borrow their garage to start

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 a cabinet business so that's where he started uh his name is Steve Hughes he was the sponsor of

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 Kurt Sacks which is a grand sponsor of mine and uh and uh he saw me at the house when I got there

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 and he's like hey what are you doing it's been a while I said yeah I just been out there drinking

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 and I need a lot of help but I wasn't willing to go to the links at the time but he did offer and

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 he says to me and I and I really love this because he was actually looking for somebody to sponsor I

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 know oftentimes I sit in the rooms to get a sponsor etc etc but he was looking for me to

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 sponsor and I was quite impressed about that and he's like listen if you need help he's like uh

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 I can take you to the book of Alcoholics Anonymous and we can get you some help this is how I got

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 sober and I was like you know for now I'm gonna hold off and I thought I could do it my way once

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 again right and uh and it didn't work it didn't work all right we got 10 minutes so finally I

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 decided one day you know what and now and I got sober on a whim because I didn't really want to

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 get sober but I think the glimpse of willingness looked like this when I really when I really lived

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 back and I get honest this is what I said to myself I wonder and I'm not gonna cuss because

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 I did cuss you guys don't cuss here so respect for me yeah I almost felt forced to wear the

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 tie the suits of it I'm like oh man this is not good this is not me you know what I mean

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 and uh um and I was like um where was I help me draw I got a brain farm yeah so yeah that's what

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 I said I said to myself thank you um I wonder just what I said I wonder if what these guys

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 are saying are true if if I if I do everything and be thoroughly honest I want to see if this

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 is gonna that's what I said so I said and you're talking about a life of like just all this chaos I

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 couldn't even imagine and still can't because if I was to tell you the stories and details

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 it would sound like a lie anyone reminds me of it reminds me of the time when when Bill had an

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 encounter with Ebby he said I can't even put together who this dude is who is he used to get

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 drunk together he pushes the beard his way he doesn't drink and it was evident okay he saw that

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 it worked and uh and so he started taking me through the process and I began to learn things

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 learn about things like resentment in my part um some of the best things I've learned in alcoholics

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 anonymous are how of course you'll hear this over and over and over again if you're new that

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 resentment is the number one offender though it'd be not the only offender it's the number one

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 and from it stems all forms of spiritual disease we have not only been mentally and physically sick

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 we have been spiritually sick and from the spirituality is overcome we strain that mentally

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 and physically page 66 middle paragraph says something like this I love this it says it is

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 plain that a life that includes deep resentment only leads to fertility which means a waste of

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 time and unhappiness to the precise extent that you permit these do you squander the hours that

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 might be worthwhile but for the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual

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 experience that's to the twelfth test this business of resentment is infinitely grave we found that it

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 is fatal but when harboring such feelings we shut off the sunlight of the spirit the insanity here's

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 the danger of alcohol returns and we drink and for us to drink is to die and when I read that I

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 thought to myself wow and so I started learning about these resentments I started learning about

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 these defects of character about wanting to have control if the world would just be utopia you know

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 and that's not a reality I've started learning how to let people how to live and let people live

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 live and let live I love that slogan it's very useful to me today you know if one acts up I say

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 to myself just a sick person you wouldn't treat a sick person this way this is the angle that step

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 four if you're new that you're going to hear about it says we were prepared to look at things

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 from an entirely different angle to look at people like they're sick people and that was helpful and

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 vital for me um of course I'm not always good at it sometimes I want to rip their heads off

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 sometimes I want to beat them up you know um but gradually those those only were left at thoughts

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 um and I've gotten better at it over the years everything with me was a fight I developed what

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 the big book calls a psychic change and I knew it was very important for me to change from the

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 inside I still know that I know that I could come here or go anywhere and start you know sharing and

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 take do all there is to do in alcoholics anonymous and take commitments and sponsor and do and make

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 the outside look good but I watched over time and in seven years some you know fellows do that

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 everything there is to do in alcoholics anonymous and they either want to blow their heads off or

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 they do or they drink or still their minds are very chaotic and I thought to myself what is that

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 why is that and to me it was simply something that came to my spirit and said Jose if you

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 are like that or stay like that for any length lengthy or long period of time it's because

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 there's either something that you're doing that you're not supposed to be doing but there you're

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 not doing that you're supposed to be doing five minutes and I really start to pay attention to

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 literature it says something like this in page 27 middle paragraph it says uh alcoholics have had

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 what they call vital spiritual experiences life-giving experiences to me these occurrences

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 are phenomenal they seem to be of the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements

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 ideas emotions and attitudes which were once the driving forces of the lives of these men

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 suddenly get cast to one side a new set of motives a new set of concepts and motives

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 begin to dominate them and I know the kind of life and the kind of ideas I've had about life

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 and the way I used to live if that didn't if that didn't take effect and a guy like me it was over

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 it was over had to be a miracle and somehow that you know had something to do with me staying sober

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 and you know I can't even put my finger on it and I don't want it to me it's as simple as knowing

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 that the obsession has been lifted but it was obviously a power greater than myself that did it

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 and I don't need nobody to credit me for it I didn't know that this was going to be the lifeline

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 of my life but my first sponsey was actually someone that my sponsor pushed me towards and he

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 says you're going to sponsor that guy and I'm like I don't even like that dude but you're going to

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 sponsor him anyways so after he comes down he's copping a play behind the podium he's going through

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 he says I'm going through something and this or that and the other night saw every defect of

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 character because I'm a judge right and I'm like and then I knew that's why I didn't like I think

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 I saw everything I had in me too I think I saw and that's what my sponsor said to me you don't

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 like him because you see everything you had and now you can see it well he needs a chance too

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 Jose so you go over there and ask him after he gets down after the meeting if if you can sponsor

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 him so I go over there and and I got my my hopes there I hope this guy says no and so I'm like hey

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 do you need a sponsor he's like bang and there we go on this journey and I want to share this is

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 after I took that man to the 12 steps here's the beauty of alcoholics anonymous man this is the

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 lifeline right here is he took his first year he had his mother there his father-in-law and his son

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 who wanted to kill himself because his dad hadn't been around for years and that horse paint made

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 heart pacemaker and he was about to die and his son's pouring tears and he's he's looking at me

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 and I'm like what's wrong you know what's wrong with you why are you crying he's crying with happy

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 tears and he's like thank you for saving my dad and I didn't know that that's what it was going

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 to take me you know and I felt so ashamed really because I'm not the one that really wanted to

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 sponsor his dad you know and um I looked over to my sponsor and I'm grateful for this today what

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 what my sponsor has instilled in me and I give him the credit for this part of my sobriety my

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 recovery I says you see that man over there you know you go over there and you thank that man

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 because that's the man that got me to sponsor your father from that day on I began to understand just

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 eat a little bit more just a little bit more just a little bit more what we were doing wrong my

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 sponsor would say it just like this Jose we save lives around here don't play around with this thing

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 you remember where you were at you remember and I do and I'm just so grateful so grateful that I get

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 to be here in a meeting of Alcox Anonymous on a Saturday night when normally I'd be out there

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 partying you got one minute I see it you know and I get to be sober and be with you here with

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 you tonight I really am so thank you for letting me ship