1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,520 - How long do I go? 2 00:00:01,520 --> 00:00:03,360 Okay, well, my name is Damon. 3 00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:04,440 I am an alcoholic. 4 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:07,720 You know, I'm a liar, a cheat, and a thief, 5 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:11,120 and I love the effects of alcohol and drugs. 6 00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:13,320 I mean, the story's probably pretty much the same, 7 00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:16,440 you know, started probably around 12 or 13, 8 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,840 drinking, smoking weed. 9 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:22,840 But when I look back, I notice that these problems 10 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,880 that I've had all my life started at even a younger age, 11 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:26,760 a much younger age. 12 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,920 I was rebellious. 13 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,680 I didn't want help. 14 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,800 I just, when I look back at my behaviors, 15 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,440 I'm like, oof, I was a handful, you know? 16 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:39,600 And, you know, my mom was heavy-handed in our house, 17 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:42,640 and so it ended up with a lot of crazy things 18 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,160 when it came to picking the women, right? 19 00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:49,160 And, you know, my dad was always trying 20 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:51,080 to keep me from getting killed. 21 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:52,000 He was always in the room, 22 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:53,680 like trying to stop me and my brothers, 23 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,840 like she's gonna kill you, stop, stop. 24 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,920 And, you know, the first time that I got in trouble 25 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:02,440 with alcohol was at a church function. 26 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:03,320 We went to the beach, 27 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:05,280 and me and a buddy thought it'd be a great idea 28 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:08,400 to bring a six-pack of tall cans with us. 29 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,360 And, you know, we got caught, obviously. 30 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:13,040 I get home, and my mom's going nuts, 31 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,360 and my dad's like, "Well, at least it was Budweiser," 32 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,760 'cause he worked at Anheuser-Busch, you know? 33 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:21,800 And, you know, I just, I was always in trouble. 34 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,880 I went to like Christian schools when I was younger, 35 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,200 and did the whole youth group stuff, 36 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:30,240 and that didn't work. 37 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:32,040 Even, I remember even in third grade, 38 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,720 I was looking for the loopholes. 39 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,840 I was looking for the contradictions. 40 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,980 I was, I was like finding ways and reasons 41 00:01:39,980 --> 00:01:42,240 not to believe whatever they were believing. 42 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,920 And probably, you know, I got into, 43 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,180 then I, probably about eighth or ninth grade, 44 00:01:47,180 --> 00:01:48,720 I got to go to public school, 45 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:51,840 and I realized I was like, oh, you can leave here, 46 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:53,160 and they don't care if you're not here, 47 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:54,000 and you know what I mean? 48 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:55,920 So that just, that opened me wide open. 49 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:56,760 You know what I mean? 50 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,360 I ran into a bunch of other kids that were like me, 51 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,820 and naturally I just gravitated towards them, 52 00:02:01,820 --> 00:02:03,440 but like even in school, 53 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,960 I would leave for the classes that I didn't like, 54 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,060 and I would actually come back to school for the classes. 55 00:02:08,060 --> 00:02:09,440 I did. 56 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,380 So, you know, like my math computer, music classes, 57 00:02:12,380 --> 00:02:15,040 those types of classes would have great attendance. 58 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:16,580 You know, my mom told me one day, she's like, 59 00:02:16,580 --> 00:02:18,220 "Why do you go back?" 60 00:02:18,220 --> 00:02:19,060 You know what I mean? 61 00:02:19,060 --> 00:02:20,840 I'm like, 'cause I want to do things my way, 62 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:22,840 and that's why, you know? 63 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:24,320 My whole life has been like that. 64 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:25,960 I want to do things my way. 65 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,320 Probably about 14, you know, my mom's, you know, 66 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:30,620 if you're going to live under this roof, 67 00:02:30,620 --> 00:02:31,720 it's under these rules, 68 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:34,560 so I put two and two together, and I moved out, 69 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,120 and at that time I started selling drugs. 70 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:38,520 You know, that was the easiest way for me 71 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,680 to take care of myself at that time, 72 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,200 and, you know, I always drink. 73 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,540 I went straight to hard alcohol. 74 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:48,100 I realized that, oh, I can just drink this little pint 75 00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:49,860 and get the same effect as that 12-pack. 76 00:02:49,860 --> 00:02:50,700 You know what I mean? 77 00:02:50,700 --> 00:02:52,920 And my friends would be sick and throwing up, 78 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:54,640 and I would just be like, "What's wrong with you? 79 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,240 Like, you guys don't know how to drink. 80 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:57,320 What's going on with you guys?" 81 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:58,680 You know, I was just getting started, 82 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,140 and they were going out. 83 00:03:00,140 --> 00:03:02,500 And I always, I don't know, I guess, 84 00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:04,600 I don't know if it was a control freak in me or whatever, 85 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,000 but I always got into this zone, 86 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,840 and I stayed there, you know? 87 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,440 I didn't black out. 88 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:13,440 That's not me. 89 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:17,900 I didn't, I have to remain in some sort of control. 90 00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:19,840 And, you know, I did a lot of dry goods. 91 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,080 Dry goods are a part of my story, 92 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:25,240 but everything starts and ends with alcohol for me. 93 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,080 I don't do anything without alcohol. 94 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:29,880 And when I stopped alcohol, everything else stopped. 95 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,160 I didn't have to focus on stopping, you know, 96 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:34,180 Coke or meth or, you know, 97 00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:36,120 I didn't have to worry about that stuff. 98 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:38,480 I just stopped drinking and everything else fell into place. 99 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:41,000 So, and you know, I had a lot of fun. 100 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,560 I mean, I had a lot of good times, 101 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,580 and probably around, you know, I got a couple, 102 00:03:46,580 --> 00:03:49,240 I caught a couple cases, did a little bit of jail time. 103 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:53,120 Nothing too serious, but I mean, by the time I was, 104 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:55,800 you know, we grew up in Van Nuys here, 105 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,560 and I lived near the train tracks. 106 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,260 And so we would go out onto the train tracks 107 00:04:01,260 --> 00:04:03,760 and open them up and take stuff off the trains, 108 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,280 and we'd slide it down into the wash 109 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:06,480 and go running through the wash, 110 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,000 'cause we knew it like the back of our hands, 111 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,720 'cause we'd play down there as children. 112 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,320 And I don't know, for some reason, 113 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:14,320 I like commercial breaking and entering. 114 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,200 I like to, you know, we used to break in, 115 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,000 we used to break into the dental offices 116 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,700 and get the nitrous oxide tanks, 117 00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:23,060 and, you know, other businesses along the wash. 118 00:04:23,060 --> 00:04:24,920 I mean, you know, they would have dogs and stuff, 119 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,880 and I remember we would go and hang out by the fence 120 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,900 and feed the dogs bologna, you know what I mean? 121 00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:30,680 So every time they'd see us, and the next thing, 122 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:31,680 they were a little friendly, 123 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:32,880 and then we'd just jump over the fence, 124 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,260 they wouldn't bother us. 125 00:04:34,260 --> 00:04:36,000 And I've always just had this mind 126 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,040 that is always trying to get over, 127 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,040 no matter what's happening. 128 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:41,320 Like, how do I not do it the right way? 129 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:42,540 I don't know why it's spelled like that, 130 00:04:42,540 --> 00:04:44,600 but it still does that, you know what I mean? 131 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:47,960 Surprisingly enough, I just don't follow its suggestions. 132 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:52,500 And so probably about 18 or 19, 133 00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:57,120 I'm at a point where I'm mailing large packages of marijuana 134 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,120 over to my friend in West Virginia, you know, 135 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:02,680 50 pounds at a time, I'm going into UPS and next day-ing it. 136 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:06,920 And that was like, I was doing very well at that age. 137 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,160 And, you know, I had a music studio, 138 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:12,480 and for the most part, things were good. 139 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,360 I had my daughter when I was about 21, 140 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,400 and at that time I was like, you know what, 141 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:17,440 I gotta stop doing this, 142 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,320 'cause I didn't wanna be in jail. 143 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:22,160 'Cause what I was doing would've gotten me a lot of time 144 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,080 if I would've gotten caught. 145 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,920 So I tried to do a regular life, 146 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,480 and that was really, that was difficult. 147 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:32,460 It was difficult to go from making 10, $15,000 a month 148 00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:36,240 as an 18-year-old to working on, you know what I mean, 149 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:39,200 a low wage job and dealing with people's crap. 150 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:43,280 It was just, it was really hard to live that life. 151 00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:46,160 And I dabbled, but I pretty much, 152 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:48,700 I stayed smart about what I did. 153 00:05:48,700 --> 00:05:51,680 And I also, I had a son too, 154 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,760 a couple of years after I had my daughter, different women. 155 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:58,320 And my son's mom, I'll get to that story down the line, 156 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,920 but we fought a lot, a lot. 157 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,800 And, you know, we drank a lot together too. 158 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,080 And it was just really, really toxic. 159 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,040 A lot of the relationships that I had had with women 160 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,560 were very toxic, naturally, 'cause they were like my mom. 161 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,000 So I naturally would pick women like my mom, you know. 162 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,880 I had a lot of trust issues with women. 163 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:19,240 And those are hard to deal with, you know, 164 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:22,480 'cause you see how other kids are treated by their moms. 165 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,040 And then you look at what your mom's doing and like, 166 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,540 what, I don't get it. 167 00:06:25,540 --> 00:06:26,380 What did I do? 168 00:06:26,380 --> 00:06:27,660 Why, you know, I mean, I kind of get it 169 00:06:27,660 --> 00:06:28,560 'cause I was an asshole. 170 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,480 So I would probably beat me up too. 171 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,480 But, you know, I got hit with everything. 172 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:35,720 Plates, fly swatters, whatever was in range, 173 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:36,560 I got hit with. 174 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,480 And, you know, naturally it progresses, right? 175 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,600 It progresses, it progresses. 176 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,280 I'm drinking more and more, I'm using more and more. 177 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,960 I get into my 30s and I start driving semi trucks. 178 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,360 And I have to stop smoking weed. 179 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:52,460 And when I do, my drinking really takes off. 180 00:06:52,460 --> 00:06:55,020 And, you know, so I drove semis for a while 181 00:06:55,020 --> 00:06:56,920 and that was a good job. 182 00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,140 And after that, I went into the IT field. 183 00:07:00,140 --> 00:07:02,000 I've kind of always been involved in computers 184 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,560 ever since I was a young kid. 185 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,400 So I went to the IT field. 186 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,160 I'm working at a video on demand place. 187 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:12,360 And, you know, I've always had a job. 188 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,280 I think I might be a workaholic first 189 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,720 because that was like the one question that I got right 190 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:17,820 on that little yellow thing. 191 00:07:17,820 --> 00:07:19,000 You know, have you ever missed work 192 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,040 because of drugs or alcohol? 193 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:20,880 I'm like, no. 194 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,160 And I remember the guy saying, come on, man. 195 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,960 I'm like, I haven't, I don't miss work. 196 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,680 And it's probably what kept me away from using meth 197 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,320 because I have to get up and go to work. 198 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:33,000 But by the end of my drinking, probably about, you know, 199 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,040 I'd get off work, hit the liquor store about 7 p.m., 200 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,480 walk in, the guy would put the bottle of Captain Morgan's 201 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,600 in my counter wides on the counter. 202 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,100 You know, we did that every day. 203 00:07:42,100 --> 00:07:44,680 And I would go home and I would drink that fifth 204 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,400 and I'd knock myself out 205 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,900 because I couldn't go to sleep at night. 206 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:50,120 That was the problem. 207 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,280 I would lay in bed and my mind would just go 208 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:53,600 and go and go and go. 209 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,840 So I'd have to drink myself out. 210 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:58,040 I wasn't really in the bars and all that stuff. 211 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:01,720 I would leave the bars around 9.30, 10 o'clock at night 212 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,800 so I can get home and avoid the DUIs. 213 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,000 I don't have any DUIs yet, but that's, I just, 214 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,400 I've always kind of tried to stay under the radar 215 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,000 as much as possible. 216 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,720 And you know, and I'd sit at home and drink myself to sleep. 217 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,600 And the last few years of my drinking, 218 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,320 I'm constantly just thinking about killing myself. 219 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:19,800 Like I couldn't stand myself. 220 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,880 I remember looking in the mirror and just, you know, 221 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:26,000 that dark soulless pupil that's just empty 222 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,040 and I couldn't stand myself. 223 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,080 And I just, I remember thinking about 224 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:31,240 how am I going to kill myself? 225 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:32,840 You know, who's going to find me, you know? 226 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:37,680 And for years I had this and finally one night my head says, 227 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:40,160 you know what, let's kill your son's mom. 228 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:41,360 This will put you in a position 229 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,040 where you're facing life in prison. 230 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:44,400 Then you'll be able to kill yourself. 231 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,680 This is what my head is telling me. 232 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:48,340 Now I'm a manager of the help desk. 233 00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:51,320 It's my job to solve problems and I do it very well. 234 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:52,600 But when it came to my life, 235 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,200 my only solution was kill her, kill me. 236 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,680 And it was very real. 237 00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,280 It wasn't just like, you know, one of those fits 238 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:00,320 where you're like, I'm going to choke him. 239 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,360 You know, it was very real. 240 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,640 And I ended up calling the psychiatric line on myself. 241 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,400 And I remember talking to them and they said, 242 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,520 oh, we can get you in in a couple months. 243 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:11,500 I'm like, oh no, no, no, I need to talk to somebody now. 244 00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:13,320 And they told me to go to the emergency room. 245 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,240 So I went to the emergency room down at Kaiser hospital. 246 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,620 And I talked to this doctor, Dr. Lee Grass, 247 00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:21,360 a little Jewish doctor, and I'll never forget this guy. 248 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,400 And he started going back to all my drinking and using it. 249 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:25,960 And he went all the way back down to when I was a kid. 250 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,120 And he looked me in the face and he said, 251 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:28,160 have you ever been sober? 252 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,220 And everything in the room slowed down. 253 00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:31,880 'Cause I was like, what? 254 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,520 Like I didn't realize sober wasn't, 255 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:36,180 I didn't know that was even an option. 256 00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:38,180 I never tried to drink like other people. 257 00:09:38,180 --> 00:09:41,240 I didn't do that because I just, 258 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,160 the way I drank just seemed like, I don't know, 259 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,520 I wasn't getting myself in a lot of trouble. 260 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,680 There's a lot of things that I haven't gotten 261 00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:50,080 to experience yet with my drinking. 262 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:53,900 And so I didn't, I'd never considered being sober. 263 00:09:53,900 --> 00:09:55,000 Never tried to get sober. 264 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,640 And after that, I started seeing a drug 265 00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:02,040 and alcohol counselor, Donna R, thank God for that woman. 266 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:06,200 She would hit me ever so softly with the things 267 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:07,460 that I needed to hear. 268 00:10:07,460 --> 00:10:09,000 You need some new friends. 269 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,840 You need to get rid of this and replace it with that. 270 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:13,880 You need to go to a meeting. 271 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,880 And after a couple of times seeing her, 272 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,440 I said, okay, doc, what's wrong with me? 273 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:20,840 And she said, nothing's wrong with you. 274 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:22,480 Drugs and alcohol are making you crazy. 275 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,520 So over those couple of months, 276 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,240 I've really kind of tried to curve my drinking back. 277 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:31,040 And I did pretty good on curving it back. 278 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,120 I wasn't completely sober, 279 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,600 but there were three or four times that I probably drank. 280 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:39,600 I was trying and November 5th, 2010, I was pissed off. 281 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:44,200 I was ready to tie it on. 282 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,600 I was hell bent on getting drunk that night. 283 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:50,260 And I walked up to a bar earlier than normal 284 00:10:50,260 --> 00:10:51,880 and I turned around and went home. 285 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,240 I just stopped before I walked in. 286 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,200 I turned around and went home. 287 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:55,460 And the next morning I woke up 288 00:10:55,460 --> 00:10:58,560 and I found a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, 289 00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:02,440 a 12 and 12 group, and they met in Kaiser hospital again. 290 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:04,040 And I walked into that room. 291 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:05,280 It was a very small room. 292 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:07,540 And I had to sit on the floor in that meeting 293 00:11:07,540 --> 00:11:09,280 because there were no chairs. 294 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:10,920 And I sat in that room. 295 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,000 I listened to you guys lie to me 296 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,480 about these amazing lives that you had. 297 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:15,880 I listened to you guys lie to me 298 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,120 that you don't have to drink anymore. 299 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:21,020 I was like, yeah, you guys are doing something. 300 00:11:21,020 --> 00:11:21,860 You know what I mean? 301 00:11:21,860 --> 00:11:23,260 You gotta be kidding me. 302 00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:24,920 I didn't believe what I was hearing, 303 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,420 but the lies that you guys were telling me 304 00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:27,440 were better than the truths 305 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:28,660 that my own head were telling me. 306 00:11:28,660 --> 00:11:30,340 And so I stayed in that meeting 307 00:11:30,340 --> 00:11:32,340 and I remember sitting there and they just said, 308 00:11:32,340 --> 00:11:34,240 hey, that guy's gonna be your sponsor. 309 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:35,780 All I know about sponsors, they put a sticker 310 00:11:35,780 --> 00:11:37,200 and you go around the track in the car. 311 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,040 And you know what I mean? 312 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:40,720 Like, what's a sponsor? 313 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:41,920 And the guy gave me his number 314 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,600 and he told me here, call me every day. 315 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,200 Okay, so I take his number and we go outside 316 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,360 and the guy said, hey, we're going to breakfast, 317 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,200 come with us. 318 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:50,920 And I said, you know, I don't have any money. 319 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,640 They said, we didn't ask you if you had any money. 320 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,240 And I said, oh, well, I got something to do. 321 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:55,520 They said, yeah, what do you got to do? 322 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,560 And so, you know, they got me, you know, 323 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,180 and I went to breakfast with these guys 324 00:11:59,180 --> 00:12:00,400 and, you know, we sat there 325 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,920 and they told me some of their stories 326 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:02,880 and I'm like, really? 327 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:04,840 And so after that, I was like, what do I do now? 328 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,840 And a friend of mine, Joe M, tells me, 329 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,480 hey, I'm going to another meeting, come with me. 330 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,700 And I went to another meeting with Joe M 331 00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:12,000 and I got out of that meeting. 332 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,040 I said, what do I do now? 333 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:14,720 He said, hey, go over to the Valley Club. 334 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,280 I said, okay, so I went to the Valley Club 335 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:18,880 and I sat there on it and I listened and I kept listening. 336 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:21,960 I'm like, still didn't believe you guys, but whatever. 337 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,000 For whatever reason, I stayed. 338 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,080 Maybe it was just that little glimpse of hope. 339 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:26,920 You know what I mean? 340 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,800 Like, okay, maybe there's something here. 341 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,420 And, you know, I started going to meetings 342 00:12:31,420 --> 00:12:33,320 and I started calling that guy every morning 343 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,680 and he would walk me through that day, you know, 344 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:36,940 and he taught me the little tricks. 345 00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:39,080 Hey, you know, send me gratitude lists. 346 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:41,560 And, you know, when your head gets crazy, do this 347 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,860 and like, you know, all the little tricks that we do 348 00:12:43,860 --> 00:12:46,160 to kind of help the new guy through this stuff. 349 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,720 And the things that he would tell him, he started to work. 350 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:52,760 I'm glad that I was really beat when I got here. 351 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,840 You know, my sobriety date is 11/22/10. 352 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,200 Now, my first meeting was November 6th, 353 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,660 but I went to a wine tasting party 354 00:13:00,660 --> 00:13:03,040 and I ended up smoking weed. 355 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:05,040 Now, at this time in my life, I didn't even like weed 356 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,440 because it was so strong, 'cause I had quit, you know, 357 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,120 whatever, 10 years earlier. 358 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,600 But, so, you know, and it was funny 359 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,640 'cause as soon as I did it, I immediately started thinking 360 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,420 about the lies that I needed to tell this guy 361 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,480 that I didn't even know. 362 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,040 And I'm like, what, why are you, 363 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,320 'cause that's my natural state, you know what I mean? 364 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:21,800 I lie, cheat, and steal naturally. 365 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,280 It's my first instinct. 366 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,320 And so, you know, I got straight with a guy and he said, 367 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:26,320 hey, you know, whatever, 368 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,640 just keep coming to meetings, keep on. 369 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,220 So, all right, so I'm going to meetings 370 00:13:29,220 --> 00:13:31,280 and I'm starting to hang out with guys 371 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,880 and I'm definitely a people watcher. 372 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,840 I like to watch, you know, I'm really quiet. 373 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,620 So, I like to watch people. 374 00:13:38,620 --> 00:13:41,680 And so, I just watched and I watched and I watched 375 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:44,600 and, you know, I stopped having those conversations 376 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:48,120 with myself on whether I'm an alcoholic or not. 377 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,800 I just started to find the things that made sense, 378 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:51,640 you know what I mean? 379 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:54,920 What I started to hear were there were like a lot of people 380 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,840 saying that their lives were screwed up 381 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:57,800 and now they're better. 382 00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,680 And that wasn't enough for me to hold on to. 383 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,160 I'm like, okay, okay. 384 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:03,680 And I started being around guys that were, 385 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,520 they're a standup guys, you know what I mean? 386 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,600 And I started to believe what they were telling me. 387 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:08,720 I'm like, okay. 388 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,960 And one of the most important things 389 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,380 that I found in Alcoholics Anonymous 390 00:14:12,380 --> 00:14:14,500 was that you guys told me I can have a higher power 391 00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:15,960 of my own understanding 392 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,880 because I kind of believed in a higher power. 393 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:20,120 He just wasn't granting me my wishes, you know? 394 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,920 And I was tired of hearing churches 395 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:26,240 tell me what the higher power was, you know? 396 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,960 Because I always felt like I had to defend what I believed. 397 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,640 And I got here and you guys said, oh yeah, 398 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,060 you can have whatever God you want. 399 00:14:32,060 --> 00:14:33,920 Just understand it's not you, okay? 400 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:34,760 Get behind that. 401 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,280 And you know, my prayers were sometimes pretty simple. 402 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:38,440 I'm like, WTF? 403 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:40,400 And he's like, stop being a jerk, you know? 404 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,120 And that's sometimes how my prayers go. 405 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,180 It's just that simple. 406 00:14:43,180 --> 00:14:45,840 And I remember the first time I wanted to see, 407 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,160 you know, if God was listening, 408 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,000 I prayed to be put in the way of service. 409 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,560 And you know, an hour later after my meeting, 410 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,880 I'm out helping this guy change his flat tire 411 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,560 in front of my place, you know? 412 00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:00,720 And yeah, he listens when you ask to help him, you know? 413 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,580 But when I want to help myself, he's not too keen on that. 414 00:15:03,580 --> 00:15:06,000 And so, you know, I started, you know, 415 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:10,120 I go up to my sponsor probably at about three months. 416 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,960 My friend Jody, she's one of my best friends. 417 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:16,200 It's funny because the problems I had with women 418 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,520 and the lack of trust, 419 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,560 one of my closest people in my life 420 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,020 is now a woman that I trust fully, you know? 421 00:15:22,020 --> 00:15:23,880 And she gets to tell me, hey, you're being a jerk. 422 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,480 And I'm like, oh, dammit, if she's telling me, 423 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:26,640 then it is, you know? 424 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:29,560 And I remember calling her and I said, you know what? 425 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,240 I don't know what's wrong with me. 426 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:32,060 I'm not angry. 427 00:15:32,060 --> 00:15:34,240 I don't feel like drinking. 428 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,000 I don't know what's going on. 429 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,960 And she said, oh honey, nothing's wrong. 430 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,080 And I was like, what? 431 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:40,080 Nothing is wrong. 432 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:43,000 Like I, the first time I felt some sort of peace, 433 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,840 I thought something was wrong with me 434 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:48,880 because that's how foreign that peace was in my mind. 435 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,420 And thank God for this lady. 436 00:15:50,420 --> 00:15:52,440 She drugged me through the first year or two. 437 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,880 And I remember taking my 60 day chip 438 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,660 and my great-grand sponsor yells out, 439 00:15:56,660 --> 00:15:58,400 I bet you don't make 90 days. 440 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:01,340 And I was like, what kind of support group is this? 441 00:16:01,340 --> 00:16:04,200 And, but my first year was purely spiked. 442 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,940 That guy was gonna hold my cake, you know? 443 00:16:05,940 --> 00:16:08,100 And every year I show up and that guy holds my cake. 444 00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:09,680 I walk into the meeting, he just looks at me like, 445 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,060 every year he says, I bet you don't make another, you know? 446 00:16:12,060 --> 00:16:14,120 And the things that have happened to my program 447 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,140 are absolutely perfect. 448 00:16:16,140 --> 00:16:17,700 There's no way that I could have, 449 00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:19,480 it's not my making. 450 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,440 The things that I heard, the people that touched me, 451 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,520 the people that said things to me, 452 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,920 it was perfectly designed. 453 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,560 And all I had to do was be open to something. 454 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:31,520 Be open to hearing another man tell me what to do. 455 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,680 Be open to hearing another woman tell me what to do. 456 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:34,760 That was a hard one. 457 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,240 Being able to trust a woman, that was a real hard one. 458 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:42,520 And slowly but surely, things started to kind of change. 459 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:46,440 And I think about my four or five month, 460 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,640 I come running up to my sponsor and I'm like, 461 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,080 am I supposed to be writing something? 462 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,160 'Cause I'm hearing people talk about their four steps 463 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,560 and this and that and this. 464 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,360 He's like, yeah, yeah, just wait till you get six months. 465 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:56,640 I'm like, okay. 466 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,260 'Cause you know, the guys that raised me, 467 00:16:58,260 --> 00:17:01,060 they were like, slow variety, slow variety, slow variety. 468 00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:03,320 And you know, we get close to around to the six months 469 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,540 and I'm calling him and he's not answering. 470 00:17:05,540 --> 00:17:06,380 And I'm like, what is this? 471 00:17:06,380 --> 00:17:08,560 A couple of days go by and I call my grand sponsor. 472 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,040 I'm like, you know, where's my sponsor? 473 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:11,320 And he's like, oh, that guy went out. 474 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,680 And I was like, what? 475 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:15,340 Like he had four years and that's when I learned, 476 00:17:15,340 --> 00:17:16,180 I'm never safe. 477 00:17:16,180 --> 00:17:17,080 I am not safe. 478 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:18,060 I'm never safe. 479 00:17:18,060 --> 00:17:19,460 This thing is out there. 480 00:17:19,460 --> 00:17:22,560 I will drink 100% guaranteed, I will drink. 481 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:23,600 It's out there waiting for me. 482 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,860 If I don't keep doing what you guys taught me to do here, 483 00:17:26,860 --> 00:17:27,920 there's no doubt in my mind. 484 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,640 I will drink if I don't keep doing what I'm doing here. 485 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,440 And you know, thank God, I kind of already had, 486 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:34,720 I already had a team of sponsors. 487 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:35,560 You know what I mean? 488 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:37,000 'Cause I need extra help. 489 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,120 You know, these guys, you know, they were, they weren't, 490 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:40,800 it was unspoken so to speak. 491 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,480 But I would talk to guys that were in different circles 492 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,560 and they would all kind of tell me the same thing. 493 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,240 I was like, what are these guys talking about me? 494 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:48,520 Is there like a bulletin board? 495 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:49,360 What's, you know what I mean? 496 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:50,840 I was like, you know, like, no, 497 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,640 that's how off my thinking is, you know? 498 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:57,760 And so, you know, I get a new sponsor 499 00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,400 and I start going through my steps. 500 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:03,520 And for whatever reason, I have crazy anxiety 501 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,800 when it comes to writing about me. 502 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,680 You know, I can write technical manuals, SOPs. 503 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:09,760 I can write stuff like that. 504 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,920 But credit card applications, employment applications, 505 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,980 you know, when they ask you to write out your work history, 506 00:18:14,980 --> 00:18:16,440 I'm like, see resume. 507 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:18,600 Like, why do you make me do this? 508 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,320 I just, I panic. 509 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:23,000 And I drove around for four years with no license 510 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,480 because I didn't want to go to the DMV 511 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:25,480 and fill out paperwork. 512 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,760 And fortunately someone was in the program 513 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:30,720 and they said, hey, come wait in the line with me at DMV. 514 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:32,800 So of course I'm going to go help my friend 515 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,360 and wait in the line and we get to the front 516 00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:35,480 and he says, go. 517 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:36,300 - You suck. 518 00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:37,280 - I fill out the paperwork. 519 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,120 I paid $400 to get my license, you know what I mean? 520 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:40,360 Like that was me. 521 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,720 That was, I was sober at that time, you know? 522 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,380 But I started watching guys 523 00:18:44,380 --> 00:18:47,320 and I saw that they had something 524 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:49,580 and all these little things that you were telling me, 525 00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:52,440 like one day at a time and all these stupid things 526 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,340 that I hear over and over and over again, 527 00:18:55,340 --> 00:18:56,400 they actually started working. 528 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,000 They literally mean one day at a time, you know? 529 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,760 'Cause I remember sitting there going, nah, you're lying. 530 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:02,560 This is supposed to be for the rest of my life, you know? 531 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:05,280 'Cause I didn't understand, just go to sleep sober tonight. 532 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,600 Just go to sleep sober tonight. 533 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,900 And I did that and I did that and I did that. 534 00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:10,960 And next thing you know, I turned around and oh, 535 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,520 I got a little bit of time, you know? 536 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,180 And so, you know, I went into the four step 537 00:19:14,180 --> 00:19:16,560 and I started doing my four step and I realized, 538 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,440 oh, I'm an asshole and everything's my fault. 539 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:19,800 That's what the four step told me. 540 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:23,760 And getting into that fifth, I remember like, 541 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,460 oh, no way am I talking about this, you know what I mean? 542 00:19:26,460 --> 00:19:28,200 Like, and it's funny 'cause, you know, 543 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,280 I told my sponsor the situation and he just looked at me 544 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:32,480 like, yeah, I would have done that four or five times, 545 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:33,320 you know? 546 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,440 And I'm sure there might be things 547 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,280 that other people might have viewed as worse. 548 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:38,720 But for me, the guilt and shame 549 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,800 that I carried about this thing, it was so big to me. 550 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,000 And I realized, oh, okay, you know what I mean? 551 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,720 It's not that big of a deal. 552 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,640 It was a weight that I was carrying 553 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,720 that didn't help at all, you know? 554 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,200 And I'm glad that by the time I got into my four step, 555 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:56,600 I had known enough to like, oh yeah, it's all your fault. 556 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,600 So when I had to do my amends to my son's mom, 557 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:00,840 I'm like, all right, it's my fault. 558 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:03,000 It was a little easier. 559 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,340 And, but I remember just going through that 560 00:20:06,340 --> 00:20:09,000 and looking at all my character defects. 561 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,880 I'm like, oh, why are there so many? 562 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,480 And why do I have all of them? 563 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,520 And, you know, but some of these things, you know, 564 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,320 I'm glad I'm stubborn in ways, you know what I mean? 565 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,880 Because like, I'm not so worried about taking a drink. 566 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:22,360 I'm worried about blowing my head off. 567 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:23,320 That's what I'm worried about. 568 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,480 I'm worried about going nuts and blowing my head off 569 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,320 because I think I'm really stubborn 570 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,240 and I'm worried that I'll never come back. 571 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:32,160 I am worried that I'll never make it back into these rooms. 572 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:33,640 You know, the doors are always open, 573 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,680 but that doesn't mean I get to walk through them. 574 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,840 You know, I came in here and I realized 575 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,280 that I had gotten a true blessing 576 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,240 and I'm not giving it back. 577 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,080 You know what I mean? 578 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:44,800 I'm holding onto her for dear life 579 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,400 because I saw some of the people that came in with me. 580 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,000 They went out and when they came back, 581 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:49,960 they didn't have that spark. 582 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,000 They didn't have that fire. 583 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,920 And I didn't wanna lose what I had. 584 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,520 And I started to understand, you know, 585 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,360 'cause I'm like, gratitude, Liz. 586 00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:58,600 Didn't you hear the problems? 587 00:20:58,600 --> 00:20:59,440 You know what I mean? 588 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,880 I'm $60,000 in debt to child support. 589 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,120 I don't have a car. 590 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,700 You know, I'm going nuts. 591 00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:08,960 Like, and you guys tell me to set up chairs and make coffee. 592 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,160 You guys kidding me? 593 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,040 But I was lucky that I was beat enough 594 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:14,960 that I just said, okay. 595 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:15,800 You know what I mean? 596 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:16,620 I didn't do a lot of fighting. 597 00:21:16,620 --> 00:21:18,280 I was like, okay, okay, okay. 598 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:22,320 And slowly but surely, slowly but surely, 599 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:23,440 probably around nine months, 600 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:26,080 things started to kind of level out a little for me. 601 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,960 You know, it wasn't, there weren't these gigantic swings. 602 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,200 I remember watching like a Captain Crunch commercial 603 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,560 and just starting to cry. 604 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:33,400 You know what I mean? 605 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,720 I'm like, why am I crying over a Captain Crunch commercial? 606 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,440 You know, like there was the emotional swings 607 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:41,040 that started happening were just insane. 608 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:46,040 And I was going to this meeting and this guy, Bobby C, 609 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,680 he asked me how I was doing 610 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,280 and I started bitching about something. 611 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,000 And he just looked at me, he said, nobody cares. 612 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,600 And he walked away from me. 613 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,780 I was like, ouch, you know, but that's when I realized, 614 00:21:54,780 --> 00:21:55,960 I'm like, dude, get to work. 615 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,540 Like, this is about action. 616 00:21:57,540 --> 00:22:00,040 This is about doing something about all these things. 617 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:00,880 You know what I mean? 618 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:01,840 Great, some stuff happened to me 619 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,560 that was kind of out of my control, but I'm an adult. 620 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:05,960 There's things that I can do. 621 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,960 I can go get therapy. 622 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:08,800 I can, you know what I mean? 623 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,640 There's things that I can do to help things 624 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,440 that happened to me as a child, you know? 625 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,840 And that's when I realized, like, you know what, 626 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:15,960 the bitching and crying, 627 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,560 that's good for the first three or four months. 628 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,840 But after that, it's like, you got to get to action. 629 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,680 You got to show up to meetings. 630 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,880 You got to take commitments. 631 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:25,200 You got to read the book. 632 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:27,200 You got to do the steps. 633 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,080 You got to do all this stuff that you don't want to do 634 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,560 to get this life that you can't even dream of having, 635 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:32,400 you know? 636 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,400 And that's what I have today for sure. 637 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,400 I have a life, 'cause I remember hearing you guys say that. 638 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,360 I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. 639 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:39,480 I'm like, why? 640 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,320 I have a life beyond my wildest dreams, 641 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:42,160 you know what I mean? 642 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,120 I just do. 643 00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:46,040 You know, today I own a small company 644 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,880 and I install safes for armored car companies 645 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:50,920 inside of commercial properties, you know? 646 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:52,640 You know, little do they know, you know? 647 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,560 But that's, you know, and sometimes I think, 648 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:57,160 and still even today, I'm like, gosh, 649 00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,760 if I ever get something that's going to kill me, 650 00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:00,600 I'm coming through and robbing all of these. 651 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,160 Like, my head won't stop. 652 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:03,720 It just, it doesn't stop. 653 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,320 And, you know, I heard something that was like, 654 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:06,320 oh, what happens up there? 655 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:07,960 It's only for entertainment purposes. 656 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:08,880 And that's what I do. 657 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,960 I really just laugh at myself sometimes. 658 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:13,040 So I'm like, God, what is wrong with you? 659 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:13,880 You know? 660 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,720 And, you know, I mean, sure, I've made some mistakes 661 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,080 and that's, it's okay. 662 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:19,920 You know what I mean? 663 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,360 I didn't do anything horrid, you know what I mean? 664 00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:25,200 But naturally, you know, my insecurities step up 665 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,400 and I'm gonna, my pride's gonna jump out. 666 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:30,600 You know, all these crazy things happen still. 667 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:33,600 But, you know, I have someone that I can call today 668 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,360 and I can run them by something. 669 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:37,520 And the conversations are very short. 670 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:39,280 He's usually like, yeah, you're being an asshole. 671 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,520 You know, and that's what I have to go with, you know? 672 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:42,720 And that's all I need. 673 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,260 I like to keep things very simple. 674 00:23:44,260 --> 00:23:45,640 My program is very simple. 675 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,240 Don't drink or use, don't be a dick. 676 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:48,920 Because when it's time for me to work this thing, 677 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:49,920 I needed to be simple. 678 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,000 I needed to be able to come to me quick, you know? 679 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,560 And I love that I have people that just, you know, 680 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,160 like my, like once again, my friend Jody, 681 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,240 she moved up to Oregon. 682 00:23:58,240 --> 00:23:59,880 But when we talk on the phone, 683 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:01,280 she's able to be like, are you okay, honey? 684 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:02,120 You know what I mean? 685 00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:03,240 Like, she could just hear in my voice 686 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:04,120 when something is wrong. 687 00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:07,440 And that's a crazy connection to have with somebody. 688 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:08,720 Especially a woman. 689 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:10,920 For me, you know, having that connection with a woman is, 690 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,960 it's not something that I could ever imagine having. 691 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,520 And it's just such a good place. 692 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:17,920 I know that I do just about anything for that woman 693 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,160 and she did just about anything for me, you know? 694 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,540 And it's a pure friendship. 695 00:24:22,540 --> 00:24:24,520 You know, there's no other, you know, 696 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:26,600 side interest or manipulation involved in it. 697 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,500 It's just a good friend. 698 00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:31,160 And you know, I have other guy friends that, you know, 699 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:32,600 I do just about anything for. 700 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,920 And it's nice to be able to be accountable. 701 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:37,140 It's nice to be able to show up. 702 00:24:37,140 --> 00:24:40,280 It's nice to be trusted in someone's house. 703 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,160 You know, it's nice to show up for my commitments. 704 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,640 You know, it's nice that when I say I'm gonna be somewhere, 705 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:46,680 that I'm gonna be there. 706 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,880 Before, I just, I wouldn't make plans. 707 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:50,120 You'd be like, oh, what are you doing this weekend? 708 00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:51,040 Oh, I don't know. 709 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:52,120 You know, I'm not gonna make plans 710 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,080 because then I have to keep that, you know? 711 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:55,980 And today, I just put it on my calendar. 712 00:24:55,980 --> 00:24:57,840 Like, hey, be here at this time, you know? 713 00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,100 And making these simple changes in my life, 714 00:25:01,100 --> 00:25:03,640 gratitude and understanding that I'm wrong most of the time 715 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:04,960 helps a lot. 716 00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,240 You know, people, they stopped cutting me off 717 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:08,760 when I started letting them in, you know? 718 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:12,160 And every time something bad happened, you know, 719 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,140 it's not something bad happened to me, 720 00:25:14,140 --> 00:25:16,480 just something happened around me, you know? 721 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:17,620 I was involved in it. 722 00:25:17,620 --> 00:25:19,360 And you know, things are good, 723 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:21,880 but then you have those real tests, you know? 724 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:23,560 When everything's going great, you know what I mean? 725 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,800 It's easy to have faith in God, you know what I mean? 726 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:26,840 It's easy to do that. 727 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:28,720 But then we run into our real test. 728 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:30,840 And my real test is when my dad died. 729 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,720 And that was my favorite parent. 730 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:36,560 So it was, you know, it was a hard one for me. 731 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:38,380 I remember, you know, he used to tell me, 732 00:25:38,380 --> 00:25:40,240 he used to tell me, "I'm so proud of you." 733 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,480 And that's not something that I heard a lot of, 734 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,200 you know, because of my own behaviors, 735 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:47,300 but he was actually genuinely proud that I was sober. 736 00:25:47,300 --> 00:25:50,080 And it was nice that, you know, in his last years 737 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,560 that I got to help him, and I got to be there for him, 738 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:55,520 and I got to do things that I wouldn't have gotten to do 739 00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:56,880 if I wouldn't have gotten sober. 740 00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:59,000 And that's because of you guys, you know? 741 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:00,880 And I talked to him the night before, 742 00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:02,440 and I remember telling him, "I'll see you soon." 743 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:03,800 And he lived in New Mexico. 744 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:05,000 I was in Venice in there, so. 745 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:05,960 But he knew where I'd been. 746 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:07,840 And so the next morning, he passed. 747 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:10,640 And I remember waking up, hearing the message from my mom. 748 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,800 And the first thing that I did was I got on a Zoom meeting. 749 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,680 And then I called a friend, and I let her know what happened. 750 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,600 She came in picking me up and took me to a meeting. 751 00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:18,280 Then I went to that meeting, and when I walked in, 752 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:19,560 they said, "Here, lead our meeting." 753 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:22,160 And I'm, you know, whatever, I do my pitch, 754 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:23,560 I do my thing, what I'm supposed to do. 755 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,960 And at the end, I said, "You know what? 756 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:27,260 "My dad died this morning." 757 00:26:27,260 --> 00:26:28,740 And everybody's like, "What the," you know? 758 00:26:28,740 --> 00:26:30,160 And I told him, I said, "You know what? 759 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,640 "There's one thing I heard in AA, it said 760 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,640 "that we have good days and great days, right? 761 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,220 "And a good day is when everything goes your way 762 00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:38,060 "and you don't drink. 763 00:26:38,060 --> 00:26:39,900 "And a great day is when nothing goes your way 764 00:26:39,900 --> 00:26:40,800 "and you don't drink." 765 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,160 I said, "Today, I'm having a great day." 766 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,740 And this is what I could say the day my father died, 767 00:26:44,740 --> 00:26:47,280 because I knew that, like, you guys had me. 768 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:48,120 You know what I mean? 769 00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:50,160 You guys had me, and you taught me. 770 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:52,880 I was on autopilot, and it was so amazing. 771 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:56,160 Grief is a hard one for me, so it doesn't come out often, 772 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:58,600 but in the most unoppetend times, it will. 773 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:01,080 And the other great thing that I also had was 774 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:05,040 my daughter had a coworker die recently from cirrhosis. 775 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:07,740 And she called me, she said, "Dad, thank you 776 00:27:07,740 --> 00:27:08,580 "for getting help." 777 00:27:08,580 --> 00:27:10,520 And, like, I knew what I was doing was good, 778 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,040 but I didn't know that it was this good. 779 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,480 I'm gonna leave it at that, but the most important thing 780 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,600 that I have to say tonight is that my life was fucked up. 781 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:18,920 I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. 782 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,160 I did what you guys told me to do, and now it's great. 783 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,000 Thanks, guys.