1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,160
 If you talk, they really need to see the top of my head for you.

2
00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:05,160
 Hey, I'm David.

3
00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:06,160
 I'm an alcoholic.

4
00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:07,160
 Thank you, Susan.

5
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:08,320
 That was a wonderful talk.

6
00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:10,760
 I got sober in February of '95, so you're a newbie.

7
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:11,760
 No, it's weird.

8
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:14,040
 A friend of mine, I got sober in the Pacific group.

9
00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:15,040
 They had classes.

10
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,640
 In fact, my class of '95 is going to have a banquet this September.

11
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:23,840
 And a friend of mine, Dina Herrera, he passed away, and he had 40 days more than me.

12
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:26,720
 And 20 years later, he still had 40 days more than me.

13
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:27,720
 It's just the way that works.

14
00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:33,320
 But I've been sober for 30 years, and time is incredibly important, but it's not a tool.

15
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,600
 There's no transition table in the back of the book.

16
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:36,600
 You should be here by then.

17
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:38,280
 And I've gotten in trouble thinking that.

18
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:40,040
 But there's certain things that just heal.

19
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,040
 It takes time.

20
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:42,040
 There's no way around that.

21
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:47,160
 Like, you know, people ask, "When is my family going to stop bringing up my drinking stories?"

22
00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:48,160
 You got to give them time.

23
00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:49,800
 There's nothing else you can do about that.

24
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:55,080
 But the important part is I haven't had a serious depression in over 20 years.

25
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,020
 I went through some legal stuff.

26
00:00:57,020 --> 00:00:58,560
 My brother passed away.

27
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,440
 And I haven't had an anxiety attack in almost 10 years.

28
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:06,280
 And I haven't had a suicidal depression since the summer of 2001.

29
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:08,520
 I was thinking of killing myself, seriously.

30
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:09,960
 I was six years sober.

31
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:11,200
 That would scare me.

32
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,160
 So I haven't thought of killing myself in, what, 24 years?

33
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,800
 And most importantly, I haven't thought of killing any of you since Thursday.

34
00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:19,200
 Maybe I should still go to business.

35
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,040
 But I'll tell my story.

36
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,760
 I love talking about the steps and recovery.

37
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:28,520
 But the best I can tell you is get a sponsor and whatever your sponsor says, he's right.

38
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:31,880
 In '99, we read the same book, so 99% of it's going to be the same.

39
00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:35,560
 But if he tells you to do it four steps one way, and I tell you to do it a different way,

40
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,360
 you really can't go to your sponsor and say, "You know, some speaker I never heard about

41
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:42,800
 on Saturday night was tall and balding, and he said do it this way, because he's not single."

42
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,840
 So the way I drank, I drank so I could be with people.

43
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,320
 I knew that before I ever made it to an AA meeting.

44
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:49,320
 Can't be over yet.

45
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:51,760
 You know, I drank so I could be with people.

46
00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:55,240
 I knew that before I ever made it to a meeting or ever talked to a shrink.

47
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:58,000
 A room just gets friendlier when I have some booze in me.

48
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,880
 My dad was a doctor on the West Side, and he used to have huge jars of amphetamines.

49
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:05,080
 And if I ate a bunch of those, I could be with a whole lot of people.

50
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,200
 And then I found cocaine and realized I'm just wasting my time with people.

51
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,320
 And this is an AA meeting.

52
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:10,800
 I've got wonderful CA stories.

53
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:14,700
 You know, cocaine, my cocaine stories, my drinking stories are pretty much the same.

54
00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:17,160
 Just a different demographic of hooker, basically.

55
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:21,280
 But when I got here, I thought because I had a real relationship with cocaine, I heard

56
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,080
 people say that I did cocaine so they could drink more.

57
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:24,840
 I did cocaine so I could do more cocaine.

58
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,600
 I thought that meant maybe I couldn't sit here.

59
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:30,060
 And it was so fortunate that I found a bunch of guys and says, you know what?

60
00:02:30,060 --> 00:02:31,320
 This is your seat.

61
00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:32,320
 You're dying.

62
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,320
 You stay here.

63
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,320
 This is your seat.

64
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,320
 Nobody throws you up.

65
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,640
 But you can go somewhere else where you can talk about cocaine, whatever's killing you.

66
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:39,640
 Go there also.

67
00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:40,640
 You still come back here.

68
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:41,640
 And I needed that.

69
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,480
 I didn't even know that I didn't have to quit here and go somewhere else.

70
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:48,840
 And I needed to hear, and I say this, you need to hear if you have a relationship with

71
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,960
 a rig or a pipe, you need to hear somebody who loves doing that and they stop.

72
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,440
 And you need to honor that.

73
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:55,440
 You're still welcome here.

74
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:59,240
 I still want to hear your stories and get, you know, you get free coffee for life.

75
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:00,520
 All the benefits of it.

76
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,360
 But, uh, the way I drank was always different.

77
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:08,800
 And uh, I mean, my drag in high school, I mean, my first real drink was Halloween, 1970.

78
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,060
 I stopped throwing up around Christmas.

79
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,060
 I was at Halloween party.

80
00:03:12,060 --> 00:03:14,480
 My date left with some guy named Skippy.

81
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,100
 I got sick to death.

82
00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:17,100
 Somebody punched me in the mouth.

83
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:18,100
 Best day of my life.

84
00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:19,100
 What a change.

85
00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:23,280
 And this is what happens to me and doesn't happen to other people.

86
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:28,440
 My dad paid a lot of money for piano lessons and we lived on the corner of Bedford in Santa

87
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:33,480
 Monica and we used to have parties every Friday night for years, 15 years.

88
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,840
 And even if we were out of town, the house would be open and people would come by and

89
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,600
 we'd have like anywhere between 30 and 50 people.

90
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:44,080
 So the D-list celebrities would come by, they would entertain like a big celebrities, a

91
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,960
 guy named Mario Machado and you know who Mario Machado is?

92
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,000
 Nobody else knows who he lives against.

93
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,560
 And dad would ask me to play piano.

94
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,840
 And he spent a lot of money for me to take lessons, but I can't play in front of people.

95
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:57,140
 And sometimes I would throw a temper tantrum or I'd go to the bathroom and never come out

96
00:03:57,140 --> 00:03:58,140
 or I just leave.

97
00:03:58,140 --> 00:04:02,720
 I cannot play in front of people, but this time, and I want to say I'm not yet 20 years

98
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:03,720
 old.

99
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,520
 I was drinking vodka, vodka martinis, cause that's what James Bond drinks.

100
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:12,160
 I had a good buzz on and he asked me to play and I just took a huge, I had a big tumbler

101
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,160
 of vodka.

102
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:16,520
 I just took a huge gulp and what it does for me, you know what it does for me if it doesn't

103
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:17,520
 do it for you.

104
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,880
 It's like explaining the color brown to a blind person, but it just goes down the back

105
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:25,560
 of my neck, settles just at the base of my neck and just goes, and I went into the wonderful

106
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,400
 world of, I don't give a damn what you think about me.

107
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:33,160
 And I sat down at the piano for the first time in front of people, in front of an audience,

108
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,920
 you all went away and I didn't care about performing for you.

109
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,840
 I didn't care about how accurate I was.

110
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:39,440
 I didn't care what you thought of me.

111
00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:43,040
 And I was just willing to let my hands surprise me and just explore the things I was going

112
00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:44,040
 to play.

113
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:47,120
 Whether I was an artist or a musician, that was an amazing feeling.

114
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:51,280
 And then something clicked that day and I thought, if I drink, I can do this.

115
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:53,920
 That transferred to everything else and I wasn't wrong.

116
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:57,280
 I have never once asked to go to the dance and been turned down in my life because I

117
00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:01,080
 grew scared to death of the girls asking me to go on the dance music at the Chippendales

118
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:02,080
 on Overland.

119
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:03,080
 And I'm 6'1".

120
00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:06,120
 I used to have a lot of hair that was really frizzy and I used to wear a leisure suit.

121
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,740
 I was about 145 pounds, so I'm getting wet.

122
00:05:08,740 --> 00:05:10,000
 So it looked like a big Jewish dark.

123
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:15,080
 They would set me up with apricot brandies because I like sweet drinks and I get a buzz

124
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:16,080
 on.

125
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:19,240
 And I have never once asked the girls to dance and been turned down because I know who wants

126
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:20,360
 to go on the dance floor.

127
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,720
 I used to avoid them like the plague, but you give me some booze and I'm going to go

128
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:24,720
 dancing.

129
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:25,720
 I'm also going home alone.

130
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:26,720
 And those were some great times.

131
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:30,080
 I mean, sorry if I could go back to being 20 years old, I drink.

132
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,920
 There's no way I could stop.

133
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:36,840
 Because I heard people say, you know, I went in trade my worst day sober for my best day

134
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:40,120
 drinking and go, "Hey, go drinking with you."

135
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,720
 They just can't say anything to me.

136
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,740
 I don't get that because I had some wonderful times.

137
00:05:44,740 --> 00:05:47,600
 And then just slowly stuff started happening.

138
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:53,440
 And I've got the drama stories, I have my kind of, I've lost a car, there's a 76 Buick

139
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:57,480
 Riviera that I don't know what it's called, but it still hasn't turned on and I'm slowly

140
00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:58,800
 giving up hope.

141
00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:04,360
 I have this amazing knack of bringing my sarcastic sense of humor to already tense situations.

142
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:07,800
 So I have a 0 and 20 barside record, but that's not the problem.

143
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:11,960
 The problem was that my life just slowly, slowly turned into my bedroom.

144
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:12,960
 I like meeting this size.

145
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,840
 I got served in the Pacific.

146
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:19,000
 And the Pacific is a wonderful place to get served, it truly is, but it's a big place.

147
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:23,240
 And you put me in a room with a thousand people and I can hide, I'm meeting this size I can't

148
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:24,240
 hide in.

149
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:27,760
 The problem is when I'm sober, I'm in a room full of people.

150
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:28,760
 That's when I feel lonely.

151
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:32,880
 Now when I'm home by myself, now when I'm in my bedroom, I might feel thinking my life

152
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:36,680
 sucks and bitch about everything, but I'm lonely when I'm among the whole of you.

153
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,560
 And you always have this wonderful way of communicating with each other that I never

154
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:41,560
 experienced.

155
00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,840
 And when I drink, my head stops telling me you're different, that's all.

156
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,440
 And slowly, like I said, my life just basically just turned into my bedroom.

157
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:53,440
 I have some jackpots, you know, I got stabbed once chasing after I got through MacArthur

158
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:54,440
 Park.

159
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:56,920
 And the stabbing wasn't there, I'm pretty still at the hospital afterwards.

160
00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,260
 None of those got me, so I've been robbed a few times, but none of those got me.

161
00:07:00,260 --> 00:07:04,120
 What happened was my dad, he was a doctor, he would have backed me into anything I wanted.

162
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:09,800
 You know, I'd be going to any school I wanted to go to, I could open the business I wanted

163
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:10,800
 to.

164
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,860
 I chose to hang out in the bowling alley and work in casinos.

165
00:07:13,860 --> 00:07:16,760
 And bowling alleys, by the way, are great because the way I drink, see, I can't drink

166
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:19,600
 in a Fufu bar because I get kicked out in the bowling alley, they kick you out, but

167
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,040
 they always let you back in the next day.

168
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:24,200
 To this day, I still like girls who went on for longer than the other one, that still

169
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:25,200
 gets me hot.

170
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:33,360
 I was working at the bicycle club, and one of the cast years was, we had a two-year relationship,

171
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:37,160
 and she knew I drank too much, we had many conversations, she didn't know I was smoking

172
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:38,640
 free-basing all the time.

173
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:39,640
 You can hide it.

174
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,480
 I know this is me, but that's a big, bad discovery.

175
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:46,680
 And she broke up with me, not because I was ever abusive to her, ever screamed at me,

176
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:47,680
 you know.

177
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:48,680
 She just got tired of me not showing up.

178
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,800
 Because what happened is, like, I'm the one who brought the camels back, we wanted to

179
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,240
 go to the Pomona State Fair.

180
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,080
 She lived out in Ratchikookamongo, we lived out in Ratchikookamongo.

181
00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,820
 And she wanted to take the kids to Pomona State Fair, and Friday night, I started drinking

182
00:08:00,820 --> 00:08:01,820
 in the bar.

183
00:08:01,820 --> 00:08:03,280
 Then I go buy my stuff and I start smoking.

184
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:06,640
 And Saturday morning, I haven't slept, you know what, I promise you, we'll do it next

185
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:07,640
 weekend.

186
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,600
 I swear to God, I will do it next weekend.

187
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:13,200
 And she just got tired of the two years of me promising we're going to do it next weekend.

188
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:18,080
 And so, she breaks up with me, and like a good drug addict, I go, "Well, you love breaks

189
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,080
 up with you."

190
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:20,080
 You go, "Great.

191
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,080
 I can party without hiding it."

192
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,080
 I did that for a couple weeks.

193
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:25,400
 And this is why drugs are an important part of why I have to tell my story, because I've

194
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:29,480
 never once opened up a bottle of Seagram's and gotten Pepsi, never opened up a bottle

195
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:30,480
 of vodka and gotten 7-Up.

196
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:34,960
 I go down to MacArthur Park and I buy a $20 bottle, and I rush back to my apartment in

197
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:35,960
 Downey.

198
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,760
 I remember taking the steps because the elevator was too slow, and my hand is breaking on the

199
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:42,360
 sweat, and my heart is pounding because I know how I'm going to feel.

200
00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:45,880
 I go up into my bedroom and I pull the pipe out of the drawer, I throw the rack on the

201
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:49,800
 pipe, I take off my cigarette lighter, and I put the cigarette lighter up to the pipe,

202
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:50,800
 and it doesn't burn.

203
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:52,780
 I just spent $20 for a piece of soap.

204
00:08:52,780 --> 00:08:57,120
 And I traded a family that really loved me a $20 piece of soap.

205
00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,520
 And Anna Adelphi was raising three girls that had grown up.

206
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:05,880
 I made my amens, they made all they had, just like they knew when they were five.

207
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:10,000
 But Linda was seven, but Linda was nine, Amy was seven, and Anna Daisy was five.

208
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:14,640
 And I still remember when Anna Daisy would run to me when she was scared, and one time

209
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:19,380
 there was a movie called Chucky, but there was an evil doll on TV.

210
00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:23,560
 She saw it and she started screaming and crying, and I remember picking her up, and I held

211
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:27,120
 her till she stopped crying, and I held her till she fell asleep, and that was the first

212
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,600
 time in my entire life I ever felt like I was worth anything.

213
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:33,640
 All of a sudden it occurred to me that I traded the love of that good ol' for a $20 piece

214
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:34,640
 of soap.

215
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:35,640
 And I was struck sober.

216
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:36,640
 This is in 1991.

217
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:40,680
 I did go down to the bar at the bicycle club, and they were going to set me up, and I said,

218
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:41,680
 "I can't.

219
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:42,680
 I've got to get my life together."

220
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:44,360
 You ever tried to go out and get your life together?

221
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:51,560
 Sixty days later, I am playing Russian roulette with a Model 15 Dan with less than 357 mag.

222
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:55,120
 And the interesting part of that, Model Dan with less than 357 mag, and the cylinder doesn't

223
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:59,160
 spin which takes all the sport out of Russian roulette, but I reached a level of depression

224
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,880
 I didn't even know was available to me.

225
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:01,880
 I'm 60 days sober.

226
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,320
 Your life's supposed to get better?

227
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,560
 I'm scared to go to sleep because at three o'clock in the morning, I'm waking up wanting

228
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,180
 to kill myself, and I'm scared.

229
00:10:08,180 --> 00:10:13,520
 I spoke to a girl who worked at another club, and the reason I spoke to her is because she

230
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:17,240
 was a cutter, and I don't understand cutting, that's not my deal, but she shared her pain

231
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,240
 with me.

232
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,120
 I was able to share my pain with her, and the worst part about the depression and the

233
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,080
 loneliness and all the hate in my life, I thought I was the only person that felt like

234
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:25,080
 that.

235
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,080
 I had no excuse.

236
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:29,400
 I knew she wouldn't laugh at me because I felt like less of a man for being the best.

237
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,720
 I'm supposed to John Wayne my way out of everything.

238
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:32,720
 So I spoke to Debbie.

239
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:38,080
 I said, "Debbie, I haven't free-based and I haven't drank in 60 days now, and I want

240
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:39,080
 to kill myself.

241
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:40,080
 This is, I think, weird."

242
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:41,080
 And she goes, "Oh, yeah.

243
00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:44,400
 When you stop drinking, you have to replace it with something spiritual."

244
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:45,400
 Now I'm totally screwed.

245
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:46,400
 I'm Jewish.

246
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:47,400
 It takes years to become a rabbi.

247
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:48,400
 I'm in trouble today.

248
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,640
 So I go talk to Jeannie, and so now we've got to back up.

249
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:56,120
 Jeannie met her like four years before, and she flirted with me, then she goes into the

250
00:10:56,120 --> 00:11:00,160
 bar, and I see her again for two years, and I remember because when I met her, she was

251
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:04,520
 maybe 60 pounds overweight, and now she's lost all the weight, and she looks amazing.

252
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:09,120
 Jeannie just, oh, she was in this brown t-shirt, and I can still see her today, and she's walking

253
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:12,280
 down the concourse of the bicycle club, and I go up to her, and I say, "Hey, Jeannie,

254
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,280
 let's go get a drink."

255
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:14,280
 She goes, "Oh, no.

256
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:15,280
 I mean, you're sober."

257
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,120
 And I had no idea what sober meant, except it meant I wasn't getting lucky then.

258
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,840
 But Jeannie thought I was her lucky dealer.

259
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:24,800
 Now the reason I don't deal cards anymore is because the way I dealt cards, if I liked

260
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,680
 you and you were a good tip, you'd win.

261
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,120
 If I don't like you, you're going to pay him off.

262
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:30,960
 You don't tip, so you don't even get a hand to play.

263
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,400
 They had videotape of that.

264
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,800
 No sense of humor about that shit.

265
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:37,360
 So I just retired as a computer programmer in healthcare, and Jeannie thought I was her

266
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:38,360
 lucky dealer.

267
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:39,360
 And I had nothing to do with it.

268
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,120
 She was a great tip, and she had a rack of one-stop.

269
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:44,680
 And so Debbie says, "Go talk to Jeannie," and Jeannie's like, she got sober, and she

270
00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,400
 was like five years sober at that point.

271
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,640
 And I go up to Jeannie at the table, and I said, "Jeannie, I need to talk to you.

272
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:53,640
 I haven't smoked any crack, and I haven't any drink in 60 days.

273
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:54,640
 I killed myself."

274
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:55,640
 And she goes, "That's great."

275
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:56,640
 I go, "No, no.

276
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,640
 I don't think you're hearing me, really.

277
00:11:58,640 --> 00:11:59,640
 I'm not kidding.

278
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:02,800
 I am scared to go to sleep because I wake up at 2 o'clock in the morning thinking I need

279
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:03,800
 to blow my brains out."

280
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:04,800
 She goes, "That's fantastic.

281
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:05,800
 What are you doing?"

282
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,680
 She goes, "No, you're doing—you're going to be all right."

283
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:09,680
 "Yeah?"

284
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,440
 She goes, "Why don't we meet tomorrow?"

285
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,280
 So she couldn't talk to me then because she was winning at the table, and you don't get

286
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:15,280
 up winning for anything.

287
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:19,400
 She goes, "We'll meet tomorrow for lunch," and we met in the Wilshire area at this Chinese

288
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:24,080
 restaurant because I'm Jewish, Jeannie's Jewish, and when two Jews 12-step each other, we go

289
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,080
 for Chinese food.

290
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:30,120
 I don't know what a 12-step call is, but then she starts describing my feelings, and I didn't

291
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:33,480
 have the vocabulary, but she knew my insides better than I did.

292
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:37,900
 And she described that loneliness that you can hear coming out of the walls.

293
00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:42,760
 Everybody else on the planet learns how to put together a life, and you just got me with

294
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:43,760
 basic.

295
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:44,760
 You never got the basic instructions.

296
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:48,680
 Then she asked me, "Have you been walking on this planet your entire life waiting for

297
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,360
 the mothership to come take you home?"

298
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,600
 And I've always felt like that.

299
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:52,600
 That's my earliest memory.

300
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,160
 So she could have taken me anywhere.

301
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:57,640
 Where she took me was a place called Chandler Lodge, and Chandler Lodge was just loving

302
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,640
 and accepting, and I had no idea what was going on.

303
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:05,040
 They were calling people to share, and I had no idea what they were talking about or that

304
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,720
 they knew what to say.

305
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,200
 The steps looked ridiculous.

306
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:12,080
 I mean, one was like, "Your life's on the map, I only have a life."

307
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:13,600
 Two was, "I'm not in the store."

308
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:18,000
 Three was the God thing, and the God thing was, "Not that I didn't believe in God, it's

309
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,000
 just that I wasn't worth it.

310
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,000
 There were so many other people.

311
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,720
 They should be in front of me in mind, in my cell."

312
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:26,360
 Fourth step was homework, fifth step was giving yourself up.

313
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:27,360
 We don't do that.

314
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,800
 Third and seventh was complete poetry, and eight and nine was no effing way, and that's

315
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,120
 exactly how you work the steps without a sponsor.

316
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,120
 Perfect.

317
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:38,080
 Here's the thing about me that makes me do my drinking different than other people's.

318
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,520
 Alcohol fixed my life.

319
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:40,520
 It did something for me.

320
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,280
 We don't let it do what it does to us if it didn't do something for us.

321
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:48,040
 And so, I honestly, I've never been mad at alcohol because I honestly believe that alcohol

322
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:49,960
 just kept me alive long enough to get here.

323
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:53,080
 The second thing is, when I stop drinking, life gets worse.

324
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,240
 When I get sober, that's when life gets painful.

325
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,720
 And the third thing about the, I don't know about you guys, but I can't have a bottom

326
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,320
 bad enough that'll keep me sober for the rest of my life.

327
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:03,440
 It just gets my attention for a little while.

328
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,640
 And losing Delphi and those kids was a real bottom.

329
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:06,840
 I had other bottoms too.

330
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:10,840
 But a few months later, I'm just forgetting how bad it was, and I'm thinking maybe I can

331
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:12,780
 just have one drink and I'll be fine.

332
00:14:12,780 --> 00:14:16,200
 And then, you know, maybe I'll, I only have like seven, eight months, and I'm scared to

333
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,400
 death because I don't know how to share anyone I'm going to share if I take a birthday talk.

334
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,440
 And by the way, I've given 30 birthday talks, I don't remember any of them, so if you're

335
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,480
 sweating it out, don't worry about it, you're not going to remember either.

336
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:30,280
 But I said, I can't remember how bad it was, I've been sober 30 years, you hear someone

337
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,560
 talk about, you know, I don't want to forget how bad it was, you forget, we're human, we're

338
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:34,560
 just good.

339
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:35,560
 I can still remember this.

340
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:39,560
 I can remember going down, getting, you know, getting my medicine, going back to my apartment,

341
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:45,040
 going up to my lips, having to go down, and thinking, oh my god, this feels so amazing,

342
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:49,080
 how could I ever give this up, immediately followed by, you just fucked up.

343
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:55,320
 And I'm sorry, yeah, Nathan, he sent me a text saying, you know, no profanity, no biggie

344
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,520
 if you look at it.

345
00:14:56,520 --> 00:15:00,560
 I tried telling the story without that, but it just, can't do it without the ministry,

346
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:01,560
 sorry.

347
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:02,600
 I still remember that.

348
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:06,300
 And my sobriety though, it didn't mean much to me, I just went down to zero, and you can't

349
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:09,480
 buy it back, you can't get a letter from the governor, so what I did is I went back to

350
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,420
 my meetings and people asked me, how are you doing, and I said, fine, how long are you

351
00:15:12,420 --> 00:15:13,420
 sober now?

352
00:15:13,420 --> 00:15:17,280
 And I tried to remember sobriety, I went to meetings for two and a half years telling

353
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:21,320
 people I was sober when I was getting loaded or drunk every single night, and that's loneliness

354
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:25,320
 on top of loneliness, 'cause now I'm like, I'm covered with this plastic bubble.

355
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:30,560
 And I just got tired of lying, and I get fired from every casino, i.e. all I've been doing

356
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:34,120
 is working casinos, hanging out in bowling alleys, so I have no marketable skills and

357
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:35,360
 very high salary bonus.

358
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:41,560
 So I'm scared, and this one girl calls me February 14th, 1985, and her name was Peggy,

359
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:42,560
 and Peggy was a slipper.

360
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:45,560
 Is that when everybody stayed sober from their first AA meeting?

361
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,480
 Peggy, first time I met Peggy, they were pulling the vomit out of her ear.

362
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:54,880
 Her last week was in February of 1992, and now it's 1995, she's got three years, and

363
00:15:54,880 --> 00:16:00,020
 I said, hey, if you don't have a job, you may have to go up north, this is Wofford Frasier

364
00:16:00,020 --> 00:16:02,880
 Park, and I'm scared to go up there, and she goes, oh, you're three years sober, aren't

365
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:03,880
 you?

366
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,640
 They go, no, I got loaded last night, I think I was able to talk to her.

367
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:10,560
 And so she said, well, get to a meeting, and the reason I'm here today is because it was

368
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:13,800
 a Tuesday, and the only meeting I knew about was on a Tuesday, and I went to a meeting

369
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:18,480
 on the Tongan River side, and the first person I run into was Jeannie, Jeannie Ardeo, she's

370
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:22,000
 gone, and Jeannie's glad to see me, and she goes, what are you doing, Dave, why aren't

371
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,000
 you sober?

372
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,640
 I got loaded last night, please don't tell anybody, and she was still glad to see me,

373
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:31,640
 so I thought you had to be sober to go to alcoholics, and she was still happy to see

374
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:32,640
 me.

375
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,760
 And then the secretary comes out and asks me if I'd leave the meeting, and says I can't

376
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,200
 because I don't have 24 hours, please don't tell anybody, and the person she did ask to

377
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,400
 leave would ask me if I would be one of the people who would share at the meeting, because

378
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,920
 I can't, I don't have 24 hours, please don't tell anybody.

379
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,640
 I told every single person I met that they stayed up with me till it was four in the

380
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:51,720
 morning to give me my first day, and the next day this guy named Mike, who I liked because

381
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:55,280
 he was balder than I am now, picks me up and takes me to this huge meeting in Brentwood.

382
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:59,040
 There's over a thousand people there, I don't remember a damn thing about the meeting, except

383
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,080
 when they sang Happy Birthday, they just go keep coming back.

384
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,320
 The channel, they go keep coming back sober, which I meant that's the only way you're welcome

385
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:06,960
 back, but here they just go keep coming back.

386
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,640
 That's all I remember about the meeting, and he takes me home, and I'm feeling good, and

387
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,560
 he goes, "Well, go to a meeting tomorrow, I'll pick you up," and I go, "I didn't think

388
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:14,560
 so.

389
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,320
 I've been to a meeting two days in a row, don't you think I've done enough?"

390
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:20,840
 And he goes, "No, no, no, no, we'll go to a meeting tomorrow," and says, "No, no, really,

391
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:24,680
 I've turned myself over to God, I've gotten out of this meeting two days in a row."

392
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,920
 And he goes, "I'll be honest with you, you're probably not going to stay sober."

393
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:28,920
 And I go, "What?"

394
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:32,000
 "I'll be honest with you, most people don't stay sober, I don't think you're going to

395
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,000
 be one of them.

396
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,200
 I only went out of 10 to stay sober, you're probably going to get loaded," and he was

397
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,200
 right.

398
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,760
 I was planning on my connections open 24 hours.

399
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,280
 And I said, "Well, why the hell are you taking me to meetings if you know I'm not going to

400
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:42,280
 stay sober?"

401
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:46,360
 He goes, "I don't know what it does for you, but it keeps me sober, and I do shit for you."

402
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:51,080
 This is why I have 30 years, not because I've worked a fantastic program, I have not found

403
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,080
 God.

404
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:53,080
 I don't know what God means.

405
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,800
 That's the wonderful thing about that whole accident, was you ask somebody what they believe

406
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,680
 in God, you've learned nothing about them.

407
00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:01,200
 You ask 300 people what their idea of God is, you get 300 completely different answers.

408
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:05,120
 But I stayed sober that night just so I could call this complete stranger until I didn't

409
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:08,000
 get loaded the night before, and I don't know where that comes from.

410
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,680
 I couldn't stay sober for Delphi, the kids, my own parents, for decent jobs.

411
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,120
 I stayed sober just so I could call up this guy and tell him I didn't get loaded the night

412
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,120
 before.

413
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:18,120
 And that's how I stayed sober my first 30 days.

414
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:22,200
 I call up Mike every single day, and of course I called him to ask him to be my sponsor,

415
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:23,760
 and then I would call him and name him.

416
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:28,200
 Well, there were times it was so hard, and I would call him and say, "The sobriety is

417
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:29,200
 too tough.

418
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,280
 I feel like I'm going to die if I don't have a drink."

419
00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:34,280
 He talked to me, he says, "Look, you want to have a drink tomorrow, maybe I'll go drinking

420
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,280
 with you."

421
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,240
 I know he's playing a 24-hour-a-day game with me.

422
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:40,920
 He would get me to promise not to drink today, not to drink tonight.

423
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:44,840
 I would go to sleep, hang up the phone, looking forward to taking a drink tomorrow.

424
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:48,800
 And the reason to help me God that I've got 30 years is simply because I've never once

425
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,320
 woken up, and I've been grateful I didn't get loaded the night before.

426
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:53,960
 And I still haven't spent much time on that.

427
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:54,960
 Oh, cool.

428
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:55,960
 I'll tell you, well, thank you.

429
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:56,960
 How Mike took me through the steps.

430
00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:00,680
 I had a problem with the God thing in the third step, and I didn't think he was available,

431
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:01,720
 so that's all.

432
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,680
 And Mike was really sweet and gentle, and he always asked me, he says, "Do you believe

433
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:08,280
 that your attitude towards God today will be different a year from now?"

434
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:09,280
 I said, "Yeah."

435
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:10,280
 He says, "That's all we've got to talk about."

436
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,520
 And I go, "Well, then you turn your will over," he says, "Turn your will over to the life

437
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:14,520
 of this program.

438
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:19,680
 Turn your life and the care of your will over to this program, and you'll experience the

439
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:20,680
 evil."

440
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:21,680
 I was able to do that.

441
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:22,680
 It's always made sense to me.

442
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,480
 It still makes sense to me today.

443
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,040
 And I've always felt I've always been the third step once.

444
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:31,200
 Every time I waver, instead of doing the third step again, I go back and I go, "Did I really

445
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,720
 meet up when I said it back then 30 years ago?" because I haven't kept many words in

446
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:35,720
 me.

447
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,720
 I'm not the most unreliable person coming here.

448
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,200
 And he was gentle and easy with me.

449
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:42,680
 And this is the story that, I'll tell the story again.

450
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:49,080
 My mom passed away in 2019, and I was a conservative from her state, and my brother died previously.

451
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:55,060
 And so, my dad died in 2009, so all my mom's money was spent on my mom, every single penny

452
00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:56,060
 other than mine.

453
00:19:56,060 --> 00:19:58,960
 This is pretty good, because what I used to do for a living is basically wait for my parents

454
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,960
 to go to sleep so I can go through their works.

455
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:01,960
 And we were clean.

456
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:06,400
 My brother, that litigation we had, I wish I could make an immense dream today that I

457
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,400
 didn't back then.

458
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,200
 So, if you're holding back on your immense, I get it.

459
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,200
 I really do.

460
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:12,200
 I don't.

461
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:13,200
 Because I didn't get it.

462
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:14,200
 Satisfaction.

463
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,880
 I've been sending a letter to a grave site, and I wish I could talk to him now.

464
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:17,880
 I can't.

465
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:18,880
 It's the way it is.

466
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:19,880
 My dad and I were pretty clean.

467
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:20,880
 He had a dementia.

468
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:24,040
 You can lose people, you know, mentally, before you lose them physically.

469
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,560
 But when I talk about what A has done for me, it's really hard for me to say because

470
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:31,600
 I don't live in a parallel universe, and when I was 20 months sober, it was the first time

471
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:35,480
 I was ever asked to speak at a meeting, and I was nervous, and now I love doing this.

472
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:38,120
 In fact, I'm the reason most of my meetings have a title.

473
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:44,160
 I was asked to speak at a meeting called Barney Street, and my uncle Jerry in Chicago had

474
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:48,080
 cancer and my parents went back to Chicago to be with me in his final days.

475
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:52,120
 My mom calls me on Friday night at about five, and she goes, "Jerry just died.

476
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:55,400
 He wanted you to come back and be a Paul man, so you're going to make an entrance to come

477
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,400
 back.

478
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,400
 The funeral is going to be Monday."

479
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:58,400
 I call up my sponsor, Mike.

480
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,040
 I say, "Can you speak for me?"

481
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,040
 He says, "You can't do that."

482
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,440
 I call up my eight brothers, "Can you speak for me?"

483
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,000
 None of them can speak for me.

484
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,000
 I go through with this.

485
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,360
 I show up there at Barney Street, a guy named Ted Bracey was the secretary, he takes me

486
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:10,360
 out for dinner.

487
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:11,920
 I go, "How many people are going to be at this meeting?"

488
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:12,920
 He goes, "About 500."

489
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:15,080
 And now I can't keep it too talented.

490
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,080
 "What are you going to have for dinner?"

491
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:18,080
 "Water.

492
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:19,080
 Water would be fine."

493
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:20,080
 I get to Barney Street.

494
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,080
 There's about the same amount of people there, is there?

495
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,080
 That was all.

496
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,080
 Twelve people there.

497
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,680
 Four of them were people that I asked to speak for me, and they showed up just to watch me

498
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:27,680
 make a fool of myself.

499
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,720
 And then they stayed with me all Friday night.

500
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:34,200
 Saturday, I went to a GSR function, I was an assistant GSR.

501
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,840
 And Saturday is a Pacific Day meeting, and they stayed with me all night.

502
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:41,120
 Sunday, they took me to the beach, took me to LAX to get me on a plane to Chicago.

503
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:45,000
 They gave me phone numbers to call, and I called people, and I was able to go back and

504
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,000
 be with my family.

505
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:50,360
 I didn't have to find a hooker so I could score some drugs, and I didn't make a fool

506
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,360
 of myself.

507
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:53,680
 I didn't have to share my opinions because I joined too much.

508
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,800
 I was able just to be there and be a service to my dad who just lost his kid brother.

509
00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:00,840
 And for years, I shared how wonderful A's been to me because I would always carry you

510
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,480
 through the rough times, and I was six years sober.

511
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:06,520
 Again, Richard Levy, if I told this story, came up to me.

512
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:10,120
 Richard's gone too, and he says, "That's a wonderful story, but you missed the whole

513
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,120
 point of it."

514
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:12,120
 I go, "What do you mean?"

515
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:16,100
 I'm grateful for A.M., grateful for the fellowship, and he goes, "When your mom called at five

516
00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:18,480
 o'clock in the morning, you were able to answer the phone."

517
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:19,480
 And that hit me.

518
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:24,400
 In sober 30 years, I can't tell you how many amends I have not had to make simply because

519
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:25,800
 I'm hanging out with you guys.

520
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:30,700
 If I'm stuck on gratitude, and I'm one of those people I resent November, I'm not grateful.

521
00:22:30,700 --> 00:22:34,160
 My sponsor asked me to do a gratitude list, and now I'm still just as pissed off, and

522
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,040
 now I'm pissed off I'm not doing the gratitude list.

523
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,880
 But I can always be grateful for the amends that I don't have to make just because I've

524
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:40,880
 been here sitting with you guys.

525
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:41,880
 And for that, I'm eternally grateful.

526
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:42,880
 I'm done.

527
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:43,880
 No, I'm done.

528
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:44,880
 Thank you.

529
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:44,880
 See you tonight.