1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,360 Frankie, I'm an alcoholic. Thank you, Elizabeth. Thank you, Nate. It's good to be here. It's 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:11,000 good to be sober. I feel as if I'm among friends, and that's the way I felt the neighboring 3 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,120 alcoholics in an anonymous meeting I've ever been in. I've been to a few different places 4 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:22,600 around the world. Just got back from the international up in Vancouver where there was 35,000 alcoholics, 5 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:29,640 and I don't think anybody got arrested for misbehaving. Not that I know of. I have a 6 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:35,400 sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous. His name is Tom B. He's been my sponsor for very, very 7 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:40,780 close to 35 years, and that's not because I have done everything perfectly in Alcoholics 8 00:00:40,780 --> 00:00:44,800 Anonymous. That's because he choose not to fire me when I screwed up. Basically, that's 9 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:51,280 about it. He's a great influence in my life, and he doesn't walk on water, and he doesn't 10 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:58,760 pretend to walk on water. He talks about emotional sobriety, and for a lot of years, to be honest 11 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:04,040 with you, I didn't have, I couldn't conceptualize what emotional sobriety meant in terms of 12 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:10,160 an alcoholic of my type, and it took me a little while to actually formulate this program 13 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:16,560 and incorporate all the steps and the traditions into my life. So pretty much today, I'm pretty 14 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:22,640 comfortable wherever I go. I've got no angst. I've got no angst to grind, and I come from 15 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:27,560 a place of love, come from a place of recovery, come from a place of empathy for alcoholics 16 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:33,040 as opposed to apathy. When we were up in Vancouver, I tell you, you know, I knocked around Europe 17 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:39,400 for a good few years, London and places like that, and we were in some pretty gnarly bars, 18 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:44,840 but within three minutes of driving around that gas town in Vancouver, my heart almost 19 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:49,880 went grey. I saw more crap in that three minutes of driving around that town. My kid brother 20 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:54,280 Sean, we were up there together, I said, "That's enough of that." And 30 years prior to that 21 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:58,840 there, we'd been in gas town, and it was a little crusty old part of town, you know, 22 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:02,760 where, you know, people like you and me used to hang out, you know, the bars where you 23 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:06,080 could smell the bars, you know, a couple of doors down and, you know, if you needed to 24 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:09,760 go and cop something, you were able to go and cop something, and if you needed to go 25 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:13,320 and sell something, you were able to go and sell something, you needed to go and buy something, 26 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:17,060 you were able to go and buy something. That's not the deal that I saw up there, you know, 27 00:02:17,060 --> 00:02:22,400 so I have a huge amount of empathy for alcoholics of that type, and you know what, I don't know 28 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:26,560 where you can get from there, you know. I come from a long line of alcoholics. I'll 29 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:31,420 just go through the numbers for you briefly. My brother Jim has got 38 years, my brother 30 00:02:31,420 --> 00:02:37,380 Tim has got 36 and a half years, I've got 35 years, my brother Sean has got 30 years, 31 00:02:37,380 --> 00:02:42,920 my brother Alby has got 7 years, he relapsed after an act of sobriety. I've got three nieces 32 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:48,240 and two nephews in this program, they live in London, and I've got one out in Tennessee, 33 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:54,480 we're now into our second generation of Alcoholics Anonymous, and for the most part, in my immediate 34 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:59,360 family, you know, we all had drinking problems, you know, we're all, most of us are alcoholics, 35 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:04,000 I've got a couple in London that are, I call them functioning alcoholics, you know, they 36 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:09,420 stay away from the vodka during the week, they may have vodka or a little bit of whiskey 37 00:03:09,420 --> 00:03:13,400 on the weekends, but they know what hard liquor does for them, and for the most part, they 38 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:18,000 stay away. Having said that, you know, the list of gratitude that my immediate family 39 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:23,900 owes to Alcoholics Anonymous is, you know, it's a lot, and I don't forget it, and if 40 00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:27,720 someone asks me to come and do a little thing like this for 45 minutes, it's, you know, 41 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:31,800 it's in a heartbeat. Used to be a fella knock around here, we were talking about Larry, 42 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:36,620 Larry T, used to be another fella, you know, Johnny, Johnny H, Johnny Harris, and Johnny 43 00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:41,200 would get up on the podium, every time he'd get up, I just loved hearing the man talk. 44 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:46,240 True humility, you know, Johnny never thought of himself as, you know, other than an alcoholic 45 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:50,120 sitting in the room trying to get sober, even though he had a huge amount of sobriety, and 46 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:54,520 he would always say at some point during his talk, if alcoholics calls up and they ask, 47 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:58,440 and it's free on the calendar, it belongs to Alcoholics Anonymous. He says my life is 48 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:02,720 that simple, and I've always loved him for that to hurt. So if you're new here today, 49 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:07,840 or you're new on Zoom, by the way, I love Zoom, I heard some great, great talks on Zoom 50 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:12,420 during the pandemic, it was, I heard some massively flippin' fantastic talks of men 51 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:16,360 when they're three, four years sober, and you just go, oh my god, three, four years 52 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:20,560 sober. There was one girl and she got up and she was giving such a talk, and she said she's 53 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:24,760 three years sober, so automatically I off switch, goes off saying to myself, she can't 54 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:28,680 no crap at three years sober. Three quarters of me through that talk, my jaw had dropped 55 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:34,580 and what a depth of knowledge that girl had of the programme, true humility that she had, 56 00:04:34,580 --> 00:04:39,080 and that's why, you know, some people will bah hum bah Zoom, but you know, I heard more 57 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:45,360 good stuff about alcoholics on Zoom that I really needed to. Anyway, growing up in Belfast, 58 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:49,440 my father was a longshoreman, he worked down at the cold key, they were probably some of 59 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:54,920 the highest paid workers in the north of Ireland. Brutal work, they worked all hours, they worked 60 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:59,880 in all conditions, and you know as a child you always have your mind's eye. My mind's 61 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:04,520 eye at Belfast are always two different days, it's either a summer day when we're off school 62 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:09,000 and it stays light until almost eleven o'clock at night and the kids are all out in the street, 63 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:13,620 or it's November and it's like you got that misty cold November rain and you know what, 64 00:05:13,620 --> 00:05:18,080 I'm going down to the Walch's bar at the bottom of the Falls Road and I'm, you know, putting 65 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,880 my head around the corner and I'm trying to catch my father's eye because my mother sent 66 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:26,060 me down there and she says, go down, see if you can catch his eye, see what he says, there's 67 00:05:26,060 --> 00:05:31,120 no money in the house, there's probably six kids by that time, and I'd go one or two S. 68 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:35,000 One way would be he'd call me in and the men used to drink in what we used to call companies 69 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:39,480 back then, you know maybe two or one table together and all the men would sit in a circle, 70 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:43,080 they'd all buy their drink and he'd call me in and he'd say, here, take that up to her 71 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:46,680 and tell her I'd be up in a minute, and I absolutely loved that because all the men 72 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:50,840 at that table would give me a little bit of cash, they'd all say there you go, his name 73 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:53,720 is Frank and my name is Frank, he'd say there you go, Frank'd say there you go, there you 74 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:57,040 go, and I absolutely loved that, go up there, I'd say everything would be great. Or the 75 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:01,200 other way, where the cars weren't running, the horses weren't coming in, and he was in 76 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,640 the process of drinking everything he had before he came up to that house. Now my father 77 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:09,680 was a good, good man, a good, good human being, but I do believe he was one of us, and I do 78 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,320 believe that he didn't understand what we understand as you know, like he's phenomenal 79 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:16,640 with gravy, you know what I mean, that was first couple of drinks I knew when he sat 80 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:21,900 down and he had that money in his pocket, he used to get the pay packets, he didn't 81 00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:25,680 sit down there with the intention of coming up to that house at 11 o'clock at night after 82 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:29,840 having gambling, after having drank all the money and he having six kids, but he did it 83 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:33,120 all more times than enough, and then the next morning would come around or he would come 84 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:37,560 in, the dinner would be in the oven with the plate on it, we'd all be upstairs, my mother 85 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:42,200 was the violent one in the house, my father wasn't violent, he'd come in and she would 86 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:45,640 give him his dinner, and invariably before she would give him the dinner she would throw 87 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:49,960 it past him, it would end up against the wall, then the screaming would start, and she'd 88 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:54,160 probably hit him a few digs and he, you know, was able to handle himself, and then the next 89 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:58,560 morning when they got up there was absolute silence in that house, absolute silence, everybody 90 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:02,080 walking around on eggshells, you know, we knew what the deal was, and there would always 91 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:07,400 be either my father's wedding ring, my mother's wedding ring, or his dress suit, and that 92 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:11,220 was given to me, put it in the bag and they would say go down to the pond and get what 93 00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:14,640 you're going to get for that, and the man in the pond knew me, and sometimes he would 94 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:19,440 give me the look that was okay, and other times he would give me that look of you again, 95 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:24,000 you're coming here again, and that was the first time as a child that I experienced shame, 96 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:28,660 not shame for anything that I'd done, but shame for who I was, I was shame, and that 97 00:07:28,660 --> 00:07:33,160 stuck with me for a lot of years all the way through my drinking, my father ended up getting 98 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:39,000 black lung, he died at 39 years of age, and we watched him in the house go from a robust 99 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:45,720 man that could lift, you know, 100, 150 pound bags all day long, and literally he just shriveled 100 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:50,360 in front of us, and of course as an altar boy then I went to St. Gold's school in West 101 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:56,360 Belfast and, you know, I suppose I was taught to have a conscious contact with, you know, 102 00:07:56,360 --> 00:08:00,380 God or whatever you want to call it, and I would say those prayers, and I'd really mean 103 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:05,120 those prayers, you know, I knew my father was in trouble, and knew our family was in 104 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:10,080 trouble, and I would say those prayers, and I would really mean those prayers, and when 105 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:16,580 my father died, as a 10 year old, unrealistic, I walked away from anything spiritual, anything 106 00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:21,140 to do with religion, don't come near me with it, we ended up having to leave Belfast because 107 00:08:21,140 --> 00:08:27,760 my mother was 38 at that time, convention was in the community, in the culture that 108 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:33,600 we grew up in that, you know, okay, her life was effectively over, you know, and that's 109 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,360 not the way she wanted to be. 110 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:40,680 After about six months after my father died, my mother just didn't want to get up out of 111 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:45,520 bed one day, in fact what she had, she had a nervous breakdown, and understandably, she 112 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:50,920 had, you know, six kids, she had no husband, there was no real support, I mean all her 113 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:56,000 sisters, her grandmother, all the houses were incredibly small, there was, you know, there 114 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:59,920 was a welfare statement, but not a welfare statement as you understand it, you know, 115 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,640 there was never any money in arms, you know what I mean, and I just, I don't say that 116 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:07,600 for any petty fact, there was a lot of houses in West Belfast that were a lot worse than 117 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:11,560 we were, but there was never any money in arms, and one day she woke up and she wouldn't 118 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:16,720 get out of bed, they called the doctors, and you know, they called the ambulance, and mother 119 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:21,840 was taken off to the general hospital, the psych hospital in the north of Ireland which 120 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:26,960 was called Purdy's Burn, and we were put into a car by this nice kind lady, and she says 121 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,360 I'm going to take all you boys and I'm going to get you some ice creams, we all got into 122 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:34,240 the back of the car, we were all, you know, a little bit confused going on, what's going 123 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:38,720 on with the mother, what's happening here, you know, our father just died, so you know, 124 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:42,600 there was, you know, we were scared, I was frightened, we were frightened children, and 125 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,760 they took us to get ice cream, and after she took us to get ice cream, they dropped us 126 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:51,040 off at Nazareth House, which was a house run by nuns for orphans, now they did the best 127 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:55,900 that they could with us, but they were four boys, and we were just wild in that place, 128 00:09:55,900 --> 00:10:01,280 you know, we didn't want to be there, we didn't know which way was up, so you go from having 129 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:07,640 a father, having a mother, going to your school, to being in an orphanage, your father died, 130 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:11,720 and your mother about to get electric shocks to see if they could actually wake her up, 131 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:15,720 you know, so I didn't like the word, I didn't trust the word, and boy, I started to get 132 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:19,960 angry, and I think I stayed angry for about the next 25 years, you know, as a young man, 133 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:24,960 I was seriously pissed off at the word, so I haven't had a drink yet, me, Jordy McCarthy, 134 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:29,440 Mickey Oberlin, Sammy Murphy, we're 10 years of old of age, when we get a bottle, it's 135 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:33,720 a, we used to call it an eight glass bottle of, it's what the winos used to drink, and 136 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:38,560 we stood on the corner, and we chuggled up the three ounces of this liquor, as a note, 137 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:41,840 as a child weighing about a hundred pounds, you know, you can't drink anything, you're 138 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:46,440 going to cop a bus, you could cop a bus smelling liquor, never mind drinking liquor, you know, 139 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:51,280 it was the first time in a long while that I was able to take a breath, and I knew what 140 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:55,600 the magic was, I knew what those men were doing down in the bars, and by the way, there 141 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,080 was no women allowed in the bars, it used to be a little snug around the corner, it 142 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:03,920 used to be a little bit bigger than this here, maybe two women could sit in it, all the bars 143 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:08,400 were all men, the women never drank in the bars by themselves, but as soon as I got that 144 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:12,880 drink into me, that feeling of well-being that we get, we get that glow just around 145 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:18,200 the ears, and, you know, you just be able to take that one deep breath, and, you know, 146 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:23,200 I think subconsciously I knew, okay, this is it, this is the answer. We ended up having 147 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:28,200 to move out of Belfast and go to London, and the English treated us really well, the people 148 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:31,960 in London, you know, there was both, there was more Irish in London than there was anything 149 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,360 else at the time, so, you know, it's like immigrants coming here where you go and you 150 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:41,880 stay with your own. I went to school in south London, Henry Compton, I was a runner, I was 151 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:48,160 a jumper, I was a boxer, you know, you can see that by the ear, I used to get boxed a 152 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:55,080 lot, you know, I was just doing it at that age, and I'm not, I'm drinking probably 14 153 00:11:55,080 --> 00:12:00,480 or 15, on my last year at school I was 15 and a half, and it was, you know, we were 154 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:04,320 able to go into the bars, and the bar man would always say the same thing to us kids 155 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:09,000 going into the bar, we would always say, stay in the corner, no shorts, that meant no spirit 156 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:13,520 drinks, close your mouth and behave yourselves, and by the way, put some money in the jukebox, 157 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:19,840 so that was our way of getting by to go and come into those bars. So by the time I'm 15, 158 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:24,820 they tell me I can leave school, I leave school, we're living in a foreign country, we moved 159 00:12:24,820 --> 00:12:30,160 all around London, Kilburn, Shepherdsbridge, Goldwalk Road, Ballam, wherever it was we 160 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:35,360 moved, you know, because, not to say that anybody didn't want us, but, you know, my 161 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:41,040 mother had ended up getting with the man, Albie, who became our staff father, and he 162 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:46,640 knew a lot of people, a lot of friends in London, because all the men immigrated from 163 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:51,960 Belfast to London to find the work, so, you know, we were able to get somewhere to live. 164 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:56,840 At that school, no qualifications, no direction, you know, the house that I grew up in, you 165 00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:01,360 know, it wasn't, it wasn't a touchy feely house, I mean, you were allowed to have emotions 166 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:05,720 as long as it was anger, but you really couldn't talk of any other emotions, other than that, 167 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:09,060 you couldn't say I feel less than, you know, I'm shy, I don't think I'm going to measure 168 00:13:09,060 --> 00:13:13,920 up here, it was just, you know, you just, those conversations just never went on. My 169 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:19,600 sister worked for a studio down in South London, and she said, if you behave yourself, I might 170 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:24,560 be able to get you an interview for, to come and work at you at television, and probably 171 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:29,600 16 and a half, 17 at the time, no direction in my life. The only direction that I had 172 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:34,440 in my life was hardly accumulate enough money to be able to drink the way I want to drink, 173 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:40,620 and to be able to have enough money the next morning to start the next day off again. So 174 00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:46,680 I said, okay, I went and I got hired for, at you at television, and if there was ever 175 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:53,080 an environment that you could bring a young man into, 17, that was just 100% designed 176 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:58,160 for, you know, a budding alcoholic of my type. All the men and women that were in that company 177 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:02,400 were all what I call professional drinkers. They didn't see anything wrong and having 178 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:06,320 to drink at 12 o'clock in the day. They didn't see anything wrong and having to drink at 179 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:10,720 six o'clock in the evening. They didn't see anything wrong and having to get a cab home 180 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:15,800 because they're absolutely slush. So I'm a 17 year old and I'm getting brought into this 181 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:20,600 environment and I absolutely love it. I'm earning good money, I'm drinking every penny 182 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:27,200 that I have, but I'm still able to function at a certain level. I can work well. I'm sliding 183 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:33,700 by. I still have no direction. I still have no goals. I have no, this is what I'm going 184 00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:38,060 to do. I want to be married by the 21 and 22. Sometimes when I hear, you know, young 185 00:14:38,060 --> 00:14:43,120 men and women talk like that, I'm just absolutely baffled. That was not me at 18, 19 years of 186 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:48,720 age. And at this time there was, you know, I ended up getting with a girl, Sally, and 187 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:53,420 I quietened down the drinking a little bit. You know, that's when I started to, by the 188 00:14:53,420 --> 00:14:57,680 time I was like 18 and a half, 19, I started drinking in the morning. And that started 189 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:03,120 in a funny way. I went in to work one Monday morning and we had what we call a tabletop 190 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:07,680 where we had, we were working for a German company and there was food on the tabletop 191 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:11,920 and they had cameras over the top of it and you had to move these bits of food really 192 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:15,600 and like kind of paint them and everything was really tight and I'm like that or I'm 193 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:19,560 just shaking, rocking and rolling. I like to drink Southern Comfort and Southern Comfort 194 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:23,520 leaves you very, very sick the next day. It really tears you up. And that was my drink 195 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:27,060 of joy, Southern Comfort and Heineken ladder. And I'm like that and Martin looks at me, 196 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:30,840 the director, he says, Frankie, he says, give me a key. He says, go up to the Gold Room, 197 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:33,940 get yourself a couple of drinks, sit down there for five minutes and come back down 198 00:15:33,940 --> 00:15:38,580 on the floor and start to work. I need you to be able to work today. So would I do that 199 00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:42,760 for an 18, 19 year old today? I don't think I probably would. You know, I don't think 200 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:46,760 it would be the best of ideas, but you know, it's certainly worked for me. And that was 201 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:50,520 when I knew what we called the cure and if you were sick in the morning and say, you 202 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,520 know, where are you going to go? I'm just going to go out here. I got to get the cure, 203 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:58,920 you know, and that, that was the, the morning drink. And of course I can't behave myself. 204 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:03,440 I ended up drinking the, I ended up doing the impossible. I ended up drinking my way 205 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:09,000 out of a company where absolutely everybody in that company loved me. You know, even when 206 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:13,600 I, even when Keith was, was, was letting me go, he turned around and says, Frankie, actually 207 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:17,040 what he did was, I was still living with Sally at the time and he took me over to Hammersmith 208 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:22,160 Hospital and he set me down, he didn't set me, but Sally set me down in front of a psychiatrist 209 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:26,360 and the psychiatrist starts asking me about feelings and about what I drink and why I 210 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:32,000 drink and what I feel like when I'm not drinking. And of course I lied to him. I'm not telling 211 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,540 them, you know, 80% of the stuff that I'm doing or 80% of the stuff that I'm drinking 212 00:16:35,540 --> 00:16:40,000 or taking. And at the end of that conversation, he says, oh, you've got a highly addictive 213 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,800 personality. If you don't watch yourself, you're going to have trouble way later in 214 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:47,480 life. He says the way that you drink and what it does for you, he says, you're always going 215 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:52,920 to have problems if you're drinking. So basically he told me I was an alcoholic. By that time 216 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:57,760 I get fired, I get fired from yours. And even then Keith says, you know, if you straighten 217 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:02,400 up Frank, he says, I'll always have you back. I'll always have you back. And funny enough, 218 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:07,040 even to this day, when I get stress dreams, I get stress dreams and I'm back at you. It's 219 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:11,120 and Keith, I'm in Keith's office and I'm asking him for that job back. And this is as you 220 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:17,380 can get out the head works even to this day. Sally kicks me out. She says, you know, you're 221 00:17:17,380 --> 00:17:21,160 frightening me. I didn't know when you're going to come home. I don't know if you're 222 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:25,920 going to come home. I don't know what state you're going to come home in. And I just, 223 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,520 it's, it's, it's not a way that I want to live my life. And we had a beautiful little 224 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:36,400 house in and full of the fallen palace road in Southwest London. And I said, okay. I didn't 225 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:42,480 ask her for anything out of the house. One suitcase. I left that house. I left that girl 226 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:48,360 and I went in and for a year I was able to pay rent. I was able to work as a freelance 227 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:54,080 and pay rent. I could probably scrape by. I was pretending to function, pretending to 228 00:17:54,080 --> 00:18:00,280 be a citizen, pretending to be working. But for the most part, my, my only, my only function 229 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:05,000 and my only purpose was, was to get what I needed to get where I wanted. And I'm standing 230 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:10,520 at that point, I'm standing in front of a judge and this judge does something for me 231 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:16,520 that I was never able to do for myself. And he sentenced me to three years and I no shape 232 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:22,400 or form that absolutely saved my life. He took me out of an environment that was absolutely 233 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:27,000 impossible for me to walk away from. But that time I, you know, obviously I'd been drinking 234 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,840 every day for as long as I could drink for every day, as long as I had the money for 235 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:35,360 drinking every day. And now I've picked up a 10 year Herrmann habit. And along with the 236 00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:40,960 Herrmann habit, I picked up 155 milligrams of methadone daily and try kicking that. So 237 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:45,720 when he put me into jail, I detoxed in a little place called Brixton. It's a large Victorian 238 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:50,320 person in the South of London. And it was the only place that I could have actually 239 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:55,740 gotten some clarity. It was the only place that where I, you know, there's no way that 240 00:18:55,740 --> 00:19:00,080 I would have been able to say, okay, I'm going to do this of my own volition. It was just 241 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:05,600 impossible. I couldn't have done it. I ended up going to a prison up in the north, up in 242 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:10,880 the middle of England, a high point prison. And same as everywhere else that has its, 243 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:15,220 has its rules. It's just a different society. They have different sanctions for you break 244 00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:20,400 those rules. Not only about the screws, but the people that are in the prison. So, you 245 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:25,560 work with those set of rules. So when I was 18 years of age, I was working with people 246 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:31,160 like Paul McCartney, Rod Stewart, Elton John, all those kinds of guys. And there I am at, 247 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:35,840 you know, 31 years of age, you know, doing the three year prison sentence and actually 248 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:40,280 almost being, at the time I wasn't getting that, but it definitely saved me. My brother 249 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:48,120 Jim came out to California and he had gotten sober in the Pacific. He sent me a letter 250 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:54,040 and he says, I'm going to come to see you. Sent me off a visit and I was hugely excited. 251 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:59,800 You know, my kid brother was in Southern California and he was going to come to visit and I knew 252 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:04,080 I was going to be able to get some money off and something often, you know, prior to him 253 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:08,500 going out to California, you know, I was the kind of big brother where it was anything 254 00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:12,080 that I could, you know, that I was selling that I didn't want to sell to anybody that 255 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:15,160 would come back to me. I could sell it to my family. You know, I sold him a load of 256 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:19,680 stuff that, you know, it was just not, I wouldn't have sold it to anybody else, but I was able 257 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:25,580 to sell it to him. And I says, yeah, sure, Jim, come on over. As they say, he walked 258 00:20:25,580 --> 00:20:29,640 into the, to the visiting room and he looked, he looked great. And my kid brother looks 259 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:34,280 like an Italian. He always dressed well. He had the loafer shoes on, he had the linen 260 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:39,280 slacks on. He had, he just looked, he just looked like a million dollars. And you know, 261 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:43,320 I just, I just lit up, you know, here he comes, you know what I mean? This, this is going 262 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:47,600 to be great. You know, I'd already prepped my trousers, my attire, so I would be able 263 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:52,680 to secrete whatever I'd gotten off him on my person when he got off and he sat down 264 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:56,880 and he looked at me and as soon as he sat down and he looked at me, I knew there was 265 00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:01,440 something different about it. He had a clear look in his eye. He didn't smell of alcohol. 266 00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:05,600 He didn't stutter and he had, he had this blue book with him and he just put it, yeah, 267 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:09,500 he just put it on the side of the table. So he asked me the question, how are you doing? 268 00:21:09,500 --> 00:21:13,360 When are you getting up? Are you staying out of trouble in here? I was almost staying out 269 00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:18,320 of trouble. I came close to catching another case, but I did stay out of trouble. That 270 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:23,120 close. I says, okay kid, this is what you do. Fold up two 50 pound notes, keep them 271 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:26,320 in the palm of your hand. Just leave them on the table. Just leave it there and I'll 272 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,720 take it off you and everything will be great. And he says, I'm not going to be able to do 273 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:33,660 that, Frank. He says, but what I will do, and then he started tapped on the book of 274 00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:38,360 alcoholics. He says, if you read this book, he says, I think you're an alcoholic. I think 275 00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:42,320 you're an addict and I think you've been an alcoholic since you were 17 years of age. 276 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:47,080 You're going to die if you don't stop. He says, I've been sober for two and a half years. 277 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,920 And then he mentioned my brother Tim. He says, Tim has been sober for a year and a half. 278 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:55,040 And Tim was a monster. Tim, I had never seen my brother Tim getting, getting drunk. Tim, 279 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,480 he would be in the bar at 10 o'clock at night. And if I walked into the bar and I saw him, 280 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,640 I turned around and I walked out of that bar. I didn't want to be in on credit and none 281 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:06,760 of his names. And I just looked at him and I went, what? You've come 7,000 minutes. You've 282 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,760 got this stupid book that you're going to give me. You're talking about me being an 283 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:13,760 alcoholic. He says, that's not what I need. Give me the money and everything will be okay. 284 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:18,480 He says, I'm not giving you the money. What I will do is if you want to come out to California, 285 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:23,240 I'll send you a ticket. And at that point in time, I totally switched off. F you, screw 286 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:27,520 you. Away you go. I went back on that landing and he says, don't forget the big book. And 287 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:32,840 I walked off a visit with the blue book of alcoholics anonymous under my arm. And I kicked 288 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:37,080 it up and down that land. And as soon as I got back on that landing, but he had planted 289 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:41,200 a seed. Remember I told you there was something different about it. I sat down and I went, 290 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:45,680 what is it? What's different about it? I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized 291 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:49,880 that he wasn't drinking. He wasn't using. I got out of that. I got out of that institution. 292 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:55,400 It was up in the Midlands train station was in Newmarket. Went to the liquor store before 293 00:22:55,400 --> 00:23:00,320 we got on the train. Got myself a little 10 ounce bottle of smart off red label. The good 294 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:04,680 stuff. Yeah. Got myself a little 16 ounce bottle of Coke. Poured out half the bottle 295 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:09,080 of Coke. Tapped it up with the smart off. Do not remember getting off that train at 296 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:13,840 King's Cross. Do not remember going to cop. Do not remember sticking another needle in 297 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:18,800 my arm. Do remember waking up two days later with two cracked ribs with a girl that I was 298 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:22,120 staying with at the time. Just every time that I would stop breathing, she would hit 299 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:27,640 it. You can talk about God, blessed, grace. I'll take all three. It certainly wasn't karma 300 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:32,080 because I had done nothing to get any good karma for. Somebody, something was looking 301 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:37,080 out for me and I woke up out of that and I was absolutely terrified. You know, proud 302 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:41,280 of that. There are a lot of guys, a lot of gals, you know, that you know, were, it was 303 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:45,680 in just in the, in the eighties doing it all and age was just coming out and you'd see 304 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:49,440 one guy one time. He had looked great and you see him six months later and he just looked 305 00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:54,560 all sucked up and you knew he was going to die. It was just, I ended up, Jim sent me 306 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:58,600 that, that, that ticket. And to be honest with you, I don't know why I didn't cash in 307 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:03,760 that ticket. 99% of the times having that money in my pocket, I would have, I would 308 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:08,080 have cashed that ticket. But for some reason I didn't. And I said that prayer, you know, 309 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:12,680 I want to live. I want to have a life. For many years before that, the drink and the 310 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:16,760 drugs weren't working. There was just something that I did on the, on the daily basis. I did 311 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:22,560 because I didn't know any better. I came out here at June 1st, 1990. I stood in an immigration 312 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:28,080 line at LAX. I had $60 in my pocket, but I had a bucket full of desperation. I wanted 313 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:32,400 to live. I wanted to have a life. I didn't want to go the way all that my friends have 314 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:37,000 gone and there was just a glimmer of hope and there was just a thimble full of willingness 315 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:43,520 on my part. I was what they called an illegal alien at that time. I didn't like being around 316 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:50,160 anybody with any kind of uniform, uniform on them. I ended up going to work for a catering 317 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:54,340 company and I ended up at the same time going to work for a lot, a lot of guys that was 318 00:24:54,340 --> 00:24:58,960 in the group and these were not self-help dudes. You know, I worked for one guy Kenzo 319 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:04,480 when he was a plumber and I watched Kenzo wrench open the two inch pipe that must have 320 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:09,280 been in the ground for about 80 years. We were in a house in Venice one day and we walked 321 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,680 out of the house in Venice and he just stopped and he put his arm around him and he says, 322 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:17,480 Nancy, just so you know, if I ever get a phone call from one of my clients after we've been 323 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:22,360 in a house of anything that's gone missing from that house, you're going to have a problem 324 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:26,920 whether you took it or not. I thought that was a bit harsh at the time, but it was absolutely 325 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:32,560 the one thing that I needed to know. Slowly but surely over a number of years I've walked 326 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:38,160 the steps. I've got a spiritual awakening of my own understanding within the confluence 327 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:43,080 of alcoholics anonymous. You know, my understanding of a higher power is not organized in any 328 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:49,000 way, shape or form. I was always taught what to think, working the steps, doing the amends, 329 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:54,600 looking at my defects of character have taught me how to think for myself and how to be authentic 330 00:25:54,600 --> 00:26:00,160 to myself. I don't get my validation anymore from what anybody thinks of me. I don't get 331 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:04,960 my validation anymore about how much money I've got in my pocket. You know, I've been 332 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:08,800 able to say to Elizabeth yesterday, no, I'm not going to do that. I wouldn't be able to 333 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:13,160 what I call look at myself, you know, every day that I can get up when I go out and I 334 00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:18,560 can look at myself in the mirror, not because I'm a great AA, but because slowly over the 335 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:24,560 years working with a sponsor, working these steps, looking at my glaring defects of character, 336 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:30,000 suave, judgmental. I'm a thief by nature. Doing the amends, I went and I did the amends 337 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,120 with Sally and the first time that I did the amends with Sally, I wanted to be able to 338 00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:36,880 go and do that. And I went to her and everything was great and it would all sound great at 339 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:41,560 the podium. And I called her up and the first 10 seconds of that conversation, she turned 340 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:45,680 around and she said, ask you, how could you do that to me? Obviously she thought I was 341 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:51,000 dead and I just called her up out of the blue after 25 years with not a single thought for 342 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:55,820 that what that woman would go through. I went back to my sponsor. I told him what I'd done. 343 00:26:55,820 --> 00:27:00,680 And you know, a few times in my spot, he's given me that look and he gave me that look. 344 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:04,440 And he's one of the few people that actually whose opinion of me actually matters, you 345 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:10,240 know. And I said, I'm sorry, Tom, I f'd up. He says, boy have you f'd up. He gave me instructions. 346 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:15,280 I followed the instructions to the letter. I ended up getting a letter from Sally saying, 347 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:19,520 here's my address. This is where I'll be. Tell me when you get into London. I was able 348 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:24,120 to go and put myself in front of that girl and say, you know what, Sally, I'm sorry. 349 00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:29,320 I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I'm sorry for making you fearful. I'm sorry for making 350 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:32,800 you that you couldn't sleep at night. See, I never thought I was a thief from anybody 351 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:36,800 in my family. I was a terrible thief. And what I stole from them was their peace of 352 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:42,320 mind, whether she was not able to go and sleep at night. And when we were always about seven 353 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:47,080 years sober and my mother always loved alcoholics and none of them since she would always say 354 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:51,040 the same thing. She says, I can sleep at night, you know, and that was the same mother after 355 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:56,400 her getting out of Purdy Spring were given six different sessions of electric shock. 356 00:27:56,400 --> 00:28:00,640 She didn't ask for a mirror. She didn't ask to see if she needed a perm. She didn't ask 357 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:05,400 to see if she needed her nails done. The first thing that woman says was, where's my sons? 358 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:10,560 Where's my kids? You know, if you're new here today, this is for me, it's a relatively simple 359 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:15,080 program and it may sound funny, but it really is monkey see monkey do. It really is that 360 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:19,120 simple. It's not any more complicated than that. You know, I've cleaned house, you know, 361 00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:25,360 I try on a daily basis to give back whatever I can give back. I am vastly overpaid. You 362 00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:29,440 know, when, when I hear my nieces and nephews with two or three years of a sobriety hearing 363 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:33,240 the kids today are just, they're still with it. They just, you know, they can, they take 364 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:38,320 on the mantle of sobriety so much easier than, than what I thought I did back in the day. 365 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:44,720 You know, as I say, you know, working these steps, working with a sponsor, good neighbors, 366 00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:49,640 alcoholics anonymous has turned a man who had absolutely, there's absolutely no purpose 367 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:54,620 to my life other than me killing myself on a daily basis. And today I think this turned 368 00:28:54,620 --> 00:28:58,680 me into a decent human being. I can look at myself in the mirror. Most time I can walk 369 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:04,160 down my streets. My neighbors know me. I don't hide from anybody. And you know what? It wasn't 370 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:07,160 for AA. I could have missed it. Thank you very much.